#not as much as i used to but it took til highschool to be able to do it somewhat reliably

[kuromochimi]

“please babysit our baby for me” w/ jjk husbands

Nanami Kento, Suguru Geto

Content warnings: none, fluff!!, not proof read btw

Nanami Kento

Nanami was nothing short of being the perfect husband and the perfect father. The man literally lacked absolutely nothing at all. Having him as your partner was a billion times better than winning any lottery. He also loved your daughter very much. Loved braiding her hair and picking out cute little outfits for her and unexpectedly, you were the bad cop in this family because nanami could never help but spoil your precious princess that you sometimes have to scold him for buying too much toys or feeding your daughter sweets right before bed. Your schedules also worked perfectly together so that your daughter always had a parent with her most of the time and today just so happened to be nanami’s free day. A few moments before leaving, you gave nanami a kiss and a hug as you said

“Babe, can you babysit our princess today? Sorry to drop the responsibility on you but I’m going to be busy til tomorrow”

you said apologetically, with a small teasing giggle that you were able to suppress enough for nanami to not notice. Well, he wouldn’t have noticed it anyway because the man was baffled. Almost appalled even. “Sorry love, say that again?” Nanami said, clearly confused. “I said… can you babysit her for now?” Your sweet sweet husband’s mind was a mess. Did he do something wrong? Say something wrong? Acted out of line? “I- babysit? Love, love why would I have to babysit OUR daughter?” It was getting harder to not react to your husband’s response. “Oh did you not want to? I can take her to my mom’s place.” Nanami stood up to gently hug you “no no, that’s not what I meant, I’m just- baby why would I have to babysit a child that’s MINE as much as she’s yours? It’s the least I could do. You carried her for 9 months, went through birthing her and provided her with everything. Caring for her is the least I can do. Bare minimum. My responsibility as much as it’s yours”

It was meant to be a joke but you soften at that because nanami just never fails to sweeten your world and you couldn’t be more grateful.

Suguru Geto

Though it had to happen at a very young age for both you and suguru, adopting mimiko and nanako was something you would never regret. Honestly, you were a tad hesitant to agree when suguru first suggested the idea. In fact, he lowkey gave you an out by adopting the girls by only him at first since you two weren’t married yet. You were still in highschool at the time after all. But a couple years down the line, you eventually got married and legally adopted the girls as well. Having an addition to the family happened later on and now you were a family of five with a precious little baby girl as the newest addition. Having had mimiko and nanako, caring for your new baby girl wasn’t as difficult anymore. However, nowadays, your schedule and as well as your husband’s schedule made it so that it was hard to have days off together. It still is kind of in your favor as you can both take turns caring for your baby.

On some random day, the idea just popped out of nowhere. You approached suguru while he was getting ready for work. “Suguru?” He looked your way while he was buttoning his shirt. “Do you mind babysitting our little princess tomorrow? I know it’s not your day but i have plans in the evening” if a question mark could have a face, it would be how suguru looked at the moment. “What do you mean babysit?” He asked, bewildered. “Oh but no worries, if you don’t feel like it, I can always ask the twins to take care of her” you replied nonchalantly. Suguru took note of the difference in the terminologies you used. With him it’s babysitting but for the twins it’s taking care of the baby? Why did you even have to ask in the first place, it’s not like you had a strict schedule for watching the baby anyway. He was rambling in his head. “Baby, my love” he calmly called out. “Hm?” He sighed before speaking. “Did something happen? Did I say something to upset you?” and then you burst out laughing. “Baby I think something is wrong for real” he gave you a worried look which pushed you to stop laughing. “Sorry love, I was just pranking you. Love you” you spoke in between little giggles before giving your husband a back hug. “Jesus baby you scared me” he sighed with a gentle laugh.

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Its kinda hard to say personally....

Ive heard very mixed responses depending on who is talking

I started talking to my mom pretty much right on time but no one else in my family ever heard me speak until I was close to 3. I think some of my relatives have still never heard me speak. So I would say on time for speech. I'm just quiet around most people.

I think I learned to read early? I remember being able read pretty well by age 3. I just got bored of it easily cuz most of the books I had were for kids my age and the only other thing was my grandmas harlequin romance novels and I definitely didn't wanna read those.

I didnt roll over, sit up, crawl, or walk unless absolutely no one was watching me. My moms talked about that a lot. If I knew someone was watching me I wouldn't do any of those things. Especially if they were trying to get me to do them. But if they left the living room (my grandparents house has an open floorplan for the kitchen, dining room, and living room) and went to go stand in the kitchen and act like they were doing something else I would do whatever I needed to do to get a thing I wanted. I was SUPER cautious about walking tho. Apparently I held onto furniture to walk much longer than most kids do. And I still preferred to be carried most places.

I didnt learn to tie my shoes til I was 7

Didn't learn to ride a bike til I was 10

I still only kind of know how to swim

since autism & neurodiversity is mostly about developmental disability but is also a really broad spectrum of conditions I'm curious about something

things to note:

the word "milestones" includes typical language (speech with mouth or sign language both count), walking, using food utensils, using the toilet, bathing, and dressing yourself. you may also consider "advanced" stuff like swimming or riding a bike too

you don't have to have a perfect knowledge of child development; you can also guess based on stuff your friends or family mentioned about you

you don't have to be autistic to answer this poll but I was particularly curious about the autism community

if you have a related neurological thing like ADHD, I/DD, sensory processing disorder etc, feel free to answer as well

if you feel comfortable please tell me about your experience in the reblogs, I think it helps people understand how different we all can be

[prettiestgirlintherapy]

List of things I'm grateful for because I never had any security or things that I wanted as a kid (I grew up vv poor and neglected)

💕 A clean room with a theme I've cultivated. As a little girl I always wanted a pink room with a vanity and a canopy over the bed, with plenty of plushies and oddities scattered about. I've made my room my own personal happy place.

💫 I have art supplies and plenty of outlets for my creativity. I never had money growing up, but I had so many crafts that I wanted to pursue that cost a lot for supplies. Now I can practice embroidering, crocheting, painting, digital art, and sculpting. I even recently got into candle making. I greatly appreciate the ability to try out new endeavors just to have fun and create new things. It helps nourish my inner child.

💐 I have a boyfriend that appreciates and loves me in a way that fosters my growth. I feel supported and he always brings out the best in me. Hes my best friend. I was hurt by a lot of men growing up, and I never thought I would meet someone so kind and gentle. Now I know true unconditional love is possible.

🌱 I planted a garden with my boyfriend and made a cozy outdoor area to relax in. I always dreamed of having my own garden and learning about plants, but living in an apartment made this impossible. Now I have dozens of beautiful plants that I love to watch develop, and I become a better gardener every day. I sit in the sun with my cat, and we listen to the wind chimes.

🍅 I have the money to buy ingredients to cook my own meals and experiment with food. I love to cook, but couldn't explore it when I was younger because of poverty and food drought. I used to eat 69¢ McDonalds hamburgers daily when my family couldnt afford anything else. Now I make nourishing meals and feel secure planning my groceries for the week.

🧸 I have close friends that really care for me and want to see me. I was bullied as a kid for many reasons, and had chronic social anxiety because of my familial abuse as well. So I didn't make many real friends til I was in 8th grade. Many of my friends from this time and high school are still with me, and we have life long connections. I'm so lucky to have found the people that understand and love me the most.

✈️ The trips I've been on in recent years. I never went anywhere as a kid because, you guessed it, we were poor. So now, as an adult that can afford to travel occasionally I am astounded by my reality. I never would have imagined seeing the places I've been. I love nature, and my boyfriend and I often go to rural places in Virginia, Georgia, or North Carolina. Seeing the beauty of the world was such a big ambition of mine as a kid so I feel fulfilled whenever I can indulge my inner child. I never saw snow and visited Alaska, and making my first snowman brought back a sense of wonder I'd almost forgotten.

🏡 A house without my abusers. Self explanatory.

🐥 Pets that are well taken care of with all the supplies they need. When I was young my family hoarded and kept a ridiculous number of cats. We had sixteen by the time I was nine, and my house was in shambles. I would go to school smelling of cat litter and get bullied. Now, I have three birds that have a big cage, lots of toys, good food, and all the love they need. After the pain of seeing family pets neglected, its healing to give my own pets the love and care they deserve.

🚗 My own car and a license. My parents weren't around to teach me to drive, or take me to the DMV, so it took a long time to get my license. I finally got it at 22, but I'm still learning. I now drive manual, and I have the car of my dreams 💫. I never thought I'd be able to learn to drive on my own, much less afford a car.

📒 I have good grades at school. When I was in highschool, I often skipped school and did poorly due to low attendance. I was very troubled and depressed because of my home life, and I never thought that U was capable of academic success. Now, in college I have straight A's and am almost done with my first degree. I'm proud of myself for finding motivation and holding myself accountable for my progress.

🧦 I have clothes that I actually enjoy and feel suit me. I only had hand me downs and goodwill clothing as a child, and I rarely had any real say in what I wore or presented myself as. I never felt as if I knew how to outwardly express myself, and clothes were just something chosen for me by circumstance and availability. Now I can actually express my own style and aesthetic interests and I feel more like myself.

🩰 I started going to the gym regularly and doing progressive weight lifting. I also experiment with other exercises, like pole fitness and yoga. I was an overweight and often unhealthy child in a lot of ways. I'm grateful that I've worked on my previous standards of self care and enjoy seeing what my body is capable of.

[spicycowboyhole]

taking a shower tomorrow

i didnt get much for christmas this year tbh

im kinda jealouse cuz my siblings got really expensive shit and i got like pretty much just stocking stuffers lol. i guess if i really want something i need to get it myself huh

anyway,, he texts me constantly but also calls me everyday. hes so nice to me it makes me cry. H is nice to me too. when i think about how nice these internet strangers are to me it makes me sad because i feel like im not allowed to be myself and im not accepted at home. im so afraid to be myself here and i dont feel like i fit in but when i talk to the little people in my phone?? they make me feel things? like im not crazy or weird OH MY GOD istg i cry almost everytime i talk to him cuz hes soso nice to me

idk what it is or what i wanna say exactly i kinda just wanna figure out how to word this so ik how to tell my couonselor.

what happened recently was i went to walmart with my dad and like i didnt take a shower or anything cuz we were just going to applebees and walmart and i dont even like applebees so who cares if my hair is fucked up right but when we went to walmart my dad was like you need a makeover cuz ur hair is bad and i kinda took offense honestly cuz i dont like my dad making comments about my appearence like this one time he told me i "need to work on my glamour" like wtf so i told my mom what he said to me at walmart and she AGREED WITH HIM AND SCHEDULED A DAY TO TAKE ME TO THE MALL TO BUY CLOTHES. and then so we went like on firday before christmas and it just kinda made me feel like a child and also like i was neglected when i was an actual child cuz idk i have like a lot of self image issues and i just wear whatever makes me not hate how i look and rn thats big skirt and little shirt but my mom wants me to wear jeans and regular shirt and i just think i look so bad in it. like she wanted me to get 5 outfits at the mall and i was like "so we're just gonna buy 5 pairs of the ssame pants? what if i dont even wear them?" and she said "YOU HAVE TO" so after that i felt kinda belittled? basically like i had no power or say in what im allowed to wear like A KID. BUT when i was an actual kid i would litterally go to school and my shoes would fall apart and i used the same ugly backpack from like 6th til highschool. like i dont understand why my parents suddenly care about how i look? now that im an adult? theyr ebasically saying they dont like how i dress and that upsets me because i feel like im finally able to learn how to express myself with how i dress now that im not inschool and scared of how people might percieve me and theyre judging not just how i look but also me yk

i NEVER got compliments when i was younger. i mean definatelelty not as much as i do now that im not as afraid of being myself. i mean people compliment me on my hair, my outfits, my glasses, my voice.

IM SMART, IM FUNNY, IM SILLY, IM WITTY, IM CUTE, IM PRETTY

IM GOOD

my hwole life everyone would describe me as quiet, shy. i thought i was weird, abnormal, i thought everything i liked was stupid.

i think i just need to get out of here.

its so hard to not hate myself when everyone around me sucks.

again, self image issues, insecurity, shame. when i was younger i used to hide pictures of myself cuz i just thought i looked so ugly and i still do. i'll look at those old pictures and think why would my parents let me go out in public like that? like ive always thought i was only cute as a toddler and then went downhill after that lol. but anyway im working on that by saving pics of myself when i was younger cuz thats me!! and if i were my parent i wouldve been a way better parent than my actual ones. she deserves everything she wants.

[mulberrysilk]

iwa-chan discovering his crush is a cam girl gets chosen randomly to control her for a session, he chooses a machine and controls her as he watch and stroke himself on her squirming form from his monitor

Dirty Litte Secret

Iwaizumi Hajime x f!reader

tw:.camgirl +.soloplay + masturbation + use of adult toys

Characters are aged up.

words: 1.5k

a/n :Oof , I just 🥺😭 yes. This was hot omggg and I sorta got carried away and even made those fake texts thingies for extra spice

Everyone had a little dirty secret.

And this one was his.

One bored night with the need of release, he found himself on one of those websites, specifically the one were pretty girls communicated with their audience and touched themselves in front of them. It took him awhile to find one he liked, quite a while he thought his hard on was going to disappear but when he came across a specific one, where the voice was one that was so familiar, his breath hitched.

There was no way, he told himself. There was no way that same sweet soft spoken voice that he loved to hear on the daily could belong to the girl on the screen. The girl whose back was facing the camera, naked with only the cutest pair of thigh high stockings  with ribbons on the hem and hips sensually rolling on a dildo.

“Fuck...” Iwaizumi muttered, sitting up on his chair and leaning forward to have a better look at the cam girl that finally caught his eye. His eyes were wide and his pupils were blown with lust, his eyes drinking in the very much naked body of his crush.

He scoffed a little. Was this how you could afford to treat your friends to cafes? Was this how you could afford that pretty little satchel bag from Dior or pay for you tuition fees? Or were they gifts from the one thousand viewers or more who were also watching you ride a girthy pink dildo?

And when his trial minutes had expired, he immediately bought a subscription to your channel.

“Mhm...” you hummed with delight, your eyes glancing at your phone screen that lit up with the notification of a new subscriber. And when you threw your hair over one shoulder to give the camera up it side profile, Iwaizumi squeezed his cock, gliding up and down slowly to the same space your hips bounced on the dildo. “Thank you for the subscription.”

You leaned forward a little more, arching your back to give the audience a better view of your pussy split around the girth of the the lucky toy that disappeared in and out of your pussy, your slick coating the silicone.

And that was the beginning of his addiction to you whenever he sought for release. His go to pornogrpahic visuals to cum to.

Iwaizumi tipped you the most, even sent you gifts under his pen name. And when he saw you wearing the new lingerie set he bought for you in one of your streams and thanking him for the pretty fit that he knew you would like, he would already be palming himself in his sweats.

He wondered if his friends knew you did this on the side.

Their precious highschool friend now in college doing something so obscene and very much out of character from the sweet, spunky girl they knew, but to Iwaizumi this was a gem, a service that he never knew he needed.  

And today was one of his luckiest days, he had won the little competition to be able to choose the next toy you’d play with.

“So, he sent over the toy yesterday and I have to say, he surprised me,” you giggled, wearing the outfit he requested. An outfit that was similar to your highschool’s old uniform, but skimpier.

Your eyes looked directly at the camera as you smiled. It was as if you were really looking at him and only him, even when he was all the way in California.

“You’re real sneaky and smart to choose a toy that you can control from where you are. I’m excited and I promise to be a good girl,” you winked before giving a little strip tease, the comments going wild as you removed each piece of fabric til you were left in nothing but the short skirt and white thighs highs.

Iwaizumi groaned when you settled yourself on all fours, your little beige plaid skirt rising up to reveal your bare  ass, your cunt dripping with your slick having prepared and relaxed your body enough for him to play with. He knew this wasn’t the right way to fulfil the fantasies he had of you. You were just supposed to be a high school crush. Not an obsession or a thought when he daydreamed of having a relationship. Maybe he should’ve said something back then. Would he’d have a chance then?

Slowly, you pushed your hips back, biting your lip as the dildo connected to the machine split your lower lips  apart and slipped inside your walls, filling you up just as good as a real cock would...expect it lacked that human warmth. Nonetheless, it was good.

Iwaizumi gripped his cock in one hand and the other held the remote that would control the machine on his end, he imagined it was him that you were sinking your pretty pink cunt on.

A little surprised yelp slipped past your lips when he pressed the button to start it up, the machine coming to life and beginning to slowly thrust in and out of you. You whined at the feeling, thanking your follower silently at his gift and idea. It almost felt like the real deal. It made you try to remember the last time you have had hooked up with anyone, and with the cam girl persona you took up when you started college to pay for the bills, you really didn’t look for a hook up.

Iwaizumi on the other end, eyes on your glistening core, dialled the machine a little higher, the speed increasing causing a beautiful moan to vibrate through your vocal cords.

It was slightly embarrassing to be dripping this wet but you knew your viewers found your arousal enticing, and with  the specific follower who has been spoiling you lately who somehow knew all the things you like but was very respectful, you didn’t want to disappoint. And you couldn’t shake the feeling of familiarity with their letters and gifts. 

Was it Makki? Mattsun? Oikawa? They were bound to catch on cause if one found out, they’d tell the other.Before the name of the next friend could cross your mind, the cock inside you sped up. Your plush walls were squeezing around its girth and the bulbous tip easily rammed into your sweet spot, your cunt creaming all over the toy.

“Fuck,” you moaned, your head pressed into the pillow, your rear up for your paying audience to see.

Iwaizumi groaned. The sight of the white creamy ring at the base of the toy made him all sort of jealous. That should be his cock instead. It should be him pounding into you til your nothing but a babbling mess. He had half the mind to book a ticket this very weekend to just see you and spill. Confess that he’s been in love with you, tell you it’s been him sending you gifts and in a way, supporting you financially.

But the reality was he was here in California and you were over there.

Little did Iwaizumi know, whenever you’d touch yourself or stuff your cunt with either your fingers or a toy, you would think it was him. That it was him filling you up, thrusting in and out of your sloppy pussy. That it was him making you feel good.

“G-gonna cum,” you repeated in hushed,broken moans and Iwaizumi grunted, speeding up his strokes on his painfully hard cock, pressure building up in the base of his spine.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he groaned. He really wished it was him instead of the machine. Hell, he would fuck you on cam if you asked him too. He’d show the fucking world how you should be fucked right and how needy you’d be for his cock. 

And when you finally came, legs trembling and moans turning into whiny, he made sure to slow down the machine, the cock sliding in and out of you slowly to ride out your orgasm as his own release spilled over his own hand fingers. He wished it was on you instead, wished your skin was painted white with his cum and even better if it was inside of you. What he’d give to have his load leak out your abused cunny.

Coming down from your high, your eyes glazed over the screen, tips and more tips being donated by the second as you caught your breath, lying down on the bed legs folded over each other in your skimpy little rendition of your old school uniform.

Iwaizumi wished he was there to care for you, help you feel better after the toll of your activities and hold you in his arms.

“Thank you for all your sweet tips everyone,” you smiled gently at the camera, Iwaizumi knowing how that smile would tug at the hearts of men and hook them you, like you do him. You answered a few questions before thanking the audience again and shooting them a wink before logging off.

Iwaizumi glanced at his phone, a message in yours and his friends groupchat.

*this is my first time doing these chat thingies AFSGAHS I hope it works lmao*

[soupbabe]

Monster Event Day 18: Dullahan! Takashi Morinozuka x Reader

On a late night Reader is accompanied by a headless Takashi

Monster Masterlist

Why did night have to be so scary.

All you wanted to do was some late night cramming for a test tomorrow and you just had to go get an energy drink at the convenience store. Well, you didn't have to do that at all. You guess it was just an excuse to procrastinate. Everything went well, you had your drink and even grabbed your favorite candy as some extra motivation for when you finish studying. You were on your way back to your house when you heard extra footsteps behind you.

Out of your peripheral vision, you could make out the figure of a man. All you could tell about him was that he was tall and had a blue suit on. It was weird for someone as well dressed as him to be out by himself, especially when there wasn't many people around. This kind of scenerio would make anyone's fight or flight kick off and unfortunately: you weren't much of a fighter. You tried your best to weave through the streets you've grown to get used to and after 10 minutes you were finally able to lose the stranger. Until you bumped into someone, causing you both to gasp in shock and both of you to drop your items. While it was just your snack bag, the man dropped his,,,

Head.

It took you a moment to realize what happened. "Oh my god.." you mumbled to yourself, glancing back and forth at the headless body and the piece to complete the human puzzle. The body picked up the head and reattached itself like nothing happened. You've swear you've heard of something from your classes that made you read something featuring a man who had no head..if you could recall he was called a dullahan. And you have to say, the modern iteration is less frightening than the horseback riding, human spine whip wielding, character from mythos.

Takashi waited til you had that look of realization to speak up for once. "...are you alright?" Oh my god you knew that voice from anywhere. It was something that was cherished around the school, talked about for days whenever it happened. It was Mori, a boy in your class. In all honesty you thought he was human, only being surrounded by his farie cousin Honey and his other supernatural friends. While having it be someone you vaguely knew calmed your nerves, your guard was still up when you remembered that he was following you.

"Were you following me earlier?" To that your classmate nodded. "..I saw some men that were suspicious. Let me walk you home." You knew he had a reputation for being a man of few words, but maybe a 'hello can I walk you home' off from the start wouldn't hurt. "I didn't see them. Where were they?" Takashi took off his head once again, going back to his silent treatment.

Oh.

He scared them off.

That's comforting to know.

Reluctantly you agreed to let him walk you home and surprisingly he wasn't that bad of company. The silence was awkward at first, but he gave off a protective atmosphere that made you understand why Honey clings to him all the time. He was a good listener too, giving one off noises to remind you that he was listening and once you got him to voice his opinion on something. You guess outside of school he's more sociable.

"We're here, thank you for walking me home Mori." He simply nodded and gave you a pat on the head that made you flush. He quickly pulled out a business card and gave it to you. "...I want to see you again. I'd like for us to talk more." And with that he left. You went inside your home and turned on the light to get a better look at the card that was given to you.

'Ouran Highschool Host Club: Spend your spare time with us in Music Room 3! 🌹'

Huh.

Guess you'll have to drop by some time.

[dazai-fics]

Stargazing – Dazai Osamu

Pairing: Dazai x Reader (high school au)

Word Count: 2.6k*

Warnings: slight cursing, smut/nsfw- oral, fingering

Summary: Having Osamu Dazai as your boyfriend has never been boring.

A/n: This has been stuck in my head for a while and I finally was able to sit down and write it out so I hope you guys enjoy and don’t judge me too much because this is my first time writing out smut !

Inspired by: Stargazing*- The NBHD

You could feel the cool of the evening seep into your bones as you groggily sat up in your plush bed. Once, then twice, did you blink to remove any bit of remaining sleep as you looked over to the source of your annoyance.

Your phone lit up with a string of messages from only one contact; a contact that as of late had made your heart pound in a way that was indescribable in every sense of the word. Sighing, you picked up the phone and began to read over the messages your extremely clingy boyfriend woke you up with.

‘Samu ♡:

1:04 AM

hey baby i can’t sleep u up?

1:04

Belladonna ? :(

1:05

I’m coming over, have a surprise for us :)

He’s what?

You were now fully awake at this point and groaned at the spontaneity and impulsiveness of your brunette lover. Knowing you had no choice but to go along with his antics, you got out of your bed and quickly ran to your closet hoping the faster you went, the quicker the chills would go away as they flared your arms and legs up with goosebumps.

You were already wearing sweatpants, so you decided to just throw on a black hoodie that was suspiciously too big on your figure.

You inhaled deeply as the smell of vanilla and mint overcame your senses causing a serene smile to overcome your features. Yes, this was indeed the sweatshirt of the Osamu Dazai; a man that in the last couple of months has invaded your every waking thought and had claim over any flush in your cheeks, dimple in your smile, and crinkle in your eyes as they closed shut-tight over the unbearable laughter released at one of his cheesy jokes.

Of course that didn’t mean everything was all raised heart beats and shared smiles with the boy as dating Dazai also meant caring for him and all his dark thoughts and emotions. As well as vise versa since your life by no means was easy and perfect. However, no matter how bad things got; or who left or entered your life, you could always count on Dazai, and him you, to be there whenever life caught you both in it’s gloomy and seemingly inescapable hold.

Another smile escaped your lips and you once again inhaled the calming scent; now thinking back to how you met the lanky, mysterious, goofball.

You had moved to your new town back in your freshman year of high school which of course meant having to make new friends and basically start a whole new life in a time that was so important and vital.

You remember your first day at ADA highschool so vividly; the sweat that built in your palms, and the barely visible motion of your toes curling into your shoes from anxiety. You had thought making friends would be impossible no matter how many times your parents assured you that your “charming” personality would help you make friends so very easily.

It was the end of the day and you were sure that your still very much lack of friends would mean that would be the truth for the rest of your four years in this high school you were very much forced to attend. You felt a tear quickly escape your eye as the anxiety started to take physical form; quickly you ran to a quiet corner and began to wipe furiously and harshly at your eyes as you reprimanded your sensitivity.

“What am I five? Why am I crying so hard?”

You jumped suddenly as you heard quiet giggles next to your ear.

You felt embarrassment flood your body as you wiped even harder to stop the tears. He was a bit blurry, but you could faintly make out the long, curly, brunette hair; dark chocolate eyes, and white bandages that wrapped around his long, lanky, figure. He also wore casual clothes which consisted of jeans, a hoodie, and sneakers.

Your first thought, of course besides the initial embarrassment and anger, was why he was wrapped in those seemingly endless rolls of bandages.

“Who is this weird banaged guy?” You scoffed to yourself as your sniffles came to an end.

“Done crying?” He asked teasingly, that stupid smug smile still on his face.

“I don’t remember asking for your help or comfort,” you said defensively, the venom not really reaching your still red and glossy face.

The boy laughed again good-naturedly; not intentionally trying to rile you up but he couldn’t help but think your anxiety was misplaced.

“Well then, why don’t you come walk home with my friend Atsushi and I, could be fun~,” he offered, his hand held out to you in an act of trying to make you feel comforted.

Your eyes widened as you hesitantly accepted his offer; the boy rushing you along as soon as your hands made contact, going into a rant over another boy named Kunikida mothering the absolute shit out of him.

Four years had gone by and you were both in your senior year;  nothing really changing between you except the now official titles of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘partner’ which you had longed for since as long as you could remember.

Since that fateful day, you had become a part of the best group of friends you could ask for consisting of Atsushi, Kunikida, Yosano, Kenji, Ranpo, kyouka, and of course Dazai.

However, you knew you wanted something more with Dazai since freshman year and although you two were… close, he never seemed interested in more. He seemingly always had a new girl on his arm bragging about the various amounts of… sexual interactions he would have with them and each time it broke your heart a little more.

Despite all that, he would hold you whenever you were down, wiped your tears whenever they fell, and held you close when you couldn’t sleep; pressing gentle kisses when he thought you were knocked out by exhaustion finally hitting you.

Dazai had intimacy issues and fears you knew were holding him back from officially committing to you which is why you never pressed anything and kept your feelings locked up nice and tight… until a couple of months ago when it all came to a head.

Harsh words; honest words were shared by you both in an argument you thought would rip the person you had come to love and rely on most from you forever. Luckily it did the exact opposite as Dazai decided he was done with denying himself from your pure and warm love that made his dark world just a bit brighter everyday.

And now you two were inseparable; lips never too far from each other, limbs entangled whenever chance allowed. Your other friends were definitely sick of it but you both didn’t care as you denied each other from this comfort for too long to let any time go to waste.

You were snapped out of your reverie by gentle tapping at your window. You quickly turned your head to see the man of your thoughts sitting patiently on the ledge, a goofy smile etched into his pretty, pink lips.

You scoffed playfully as you made your way across the room to open the window for him. Immediately, he placed his lips on yours in a passionate kiss as his hands came up to cup your face lovingly.

“Mmm missed you so much,” he mumbled against your lips causing you to giggle.

“We saw each other, like, six hours ago!” You exclaimed slapping him playfully, causing him to release a laugh himself.

“Exactly! Now c’mon I’m taking you somewhere,” Dazai commanded you gently, grabbing your hand as he guided you out the window.

“‘Samu it’s one in the morning, where are we going?” You groaned in annoyance wanting your boyfriend to join you in bed and cuddle you back to sleep.

“Nuh uh uh~ It’s a surprise!” He exclaimed playfully booping you on the nose as you both made your way to his black range rover.

“Alright, whatever, can I at least get a hint?”

“Hmm, okay, okay, fine,” Dazai relented as he began to type away on his phone playing a song from his spotify that came out on his connected bluetooth, touch screen.

Take it from the top, if I start I just can’t stop…

You giggled silently as you shook your head, your boyfriend rolling down both of your windows and turning up the music for what he likes to call ‘the full midnight drive experience.’

“So are we going stargazing?!” You yelled over the wind and music.

“Yep!” He yelled back cheerily taking one hand off of the wheel to rub at your thigh comfortingly.

“Pull it out of park put in drive, I can feel your heart beating with mine, underneath the stars, lookin' for a sign glowin' in the dark 'til the sun shines, made it pretty far on the first try, might've set the bar a little too high, started with a spark, now we're on fire-”

You both yelled together which winded up with you both laughing uncontrollably. Dazai continued to sing along with the neighborhood as you took this as a chance to examine how gorgeous this man truly was.

His silky, curly brunette hair went everywhere as the wind entangled with it, his dark chocolate eyes shined with the headlights from the cars going on the opposite side of the freeway, his bandaged hands gripped at the wheel allowing you to see every vein and bone from his knuckles, and his face was flushed pink from the yelling and wind.

You laughed freely as you once again joined in with his singing; utter and complete joy filling you both which was rare.

Eventually, you both reached a secluded park with a hill; perfect for sitting and stargazing. Once you both got out, Dazai layed out a towel for you both to cuddle on without getting soaked from the freshly sprayed grass.

You both giggled loudly like the teenagers in love you were as you made yourself comfortable on your boyfriend’s chest; his lanky arms coming to wrap themselves around you, one occasionally letting go to point out the constellations or meteors blinking past in the inky sky.

You had to hold in your snickers whenever he would wrongly name a constellation but nonetheless; you would place a soft kiss on his cheek and thank him for teaching them to you.

Soon, the soft kisses on the cheek would turn to passionate kisses on the lips as Dazai changed his position to where he was on top of you. He began to leave a trail of kisses down your jaw to your neck; the juxtaposition of his warm kisses to the cold air surrounding you both caused small whimpers of pleasure to leave your lips.

“‘Samu…” you called breathily causing your boyfriend to look up from the dark hickeys he was ever-so-carefully placing on your collarbone.

“What is it, my belladonna?” He asked teasingly, returning to his methodically placed kisses.

“More…” you whined as arousal began to pool in your gut.

“As you wish.”

Dazai kissed lower down your belly to the elastic band of your panties. After leaving a couple small kisses on your hip bone, he looked up into your eyes for confirmation it was okay to go further. You nodded urgently and placed your hand in his soft locks as if to urge him on.  He let out a chuckle at your eagerness but complied nonetheless; you were his princess and whatever you asked of him he would do, even at the cost of his own wellbeing.

After pulling down your sweatpants and panties, he immediately attached his tongue to your clit; moving it in small circles he knew would make you fall apart. Your whines and whimpers fuled him on as your fingers harshly pulled on his locks.

“‘Samu… want your fingers” You ordered in between moans.

“Where baby, tell me,” he whispered, placing a soft kiss on your clit.

“inside…please!”

“As you wish.”

Dazai slowly placed his ring and middle fingers into your tight cunt, “Fuck belladonna, so wet for me,” he all but moaned as he gently moved his fingers around trying to find the spot that would have you fall apart all over him.

“‘Samu there! Please!” You gasped as he found your G-spot; not letting up until your back arched and you cummed all over his fingers.

“Good girl; my good, pretty girl that’s it,” he whispered gently as he coaxed you down from your high.

He licked away all the wetness from his fingers as he came back up to meet your lips in a passionate kiss filled with lust and love.

“‘Samu, want more..” you begged softly against his lips.

“Mmm what could you possibly mean~” your boyfriend teased causing you to groan.

“Oh like you don’t want the same thing I can see your hard-on from here,” you teased back looking down to see he was indeed impossibly hard in well fitted grey sweatpants.

“Ha-ha touché, belladonna.”

You both shared a loving laugh as you once again met in a kiss, your hand cupping the back of his head to bring him even closer. Dazai separated for a second to take off his pants and underwear letting his painfully hard cock hit against his abdomen, Dazai letting out a hiss from the cold hair hitting it.

“Need you baby, please,” you whined as your boyfriend soothed you with a kiss to the neck as he began to line his dick up with your wet pussy.

“Almost in, tell me if it ‘urts,” he mumbled as he began to fill you up.

You gasped, never truly used to his size but feeling complete nevertheless.

“Okay?” He asked gently and you nodded kissing his cheek giving him the silent permission to keep going.

“Feels so good ‘Samu!” You moaned as he picked up speed.

“Fuck you’re so tight baby, always so good and tight for me,” your boyfriend praised as he kept up a gentle pace trying to bring you both to your respective highs.

“Gonna cum ‘Samu,'' you whimpered as you felt the coil in your abdomen beginning to snap.

“Go on belladonna, cum for me,” he praised as you did just that; the fast tightening of your warm cunt milking Dazai’s cock as he began to cum with you.

Dazai collapsed on top of you, burying his head in your warm neck and you wrapped your smaller arms around his waist.

“Love you so much ‘Samu,'' you whispered as you felt soft kisses being placed on the dark hickeys your boyfriend left prior.

“Love you more, belladonna; thank you for always being by my side,” he whispered back.

After indulging in each other’s warmth and comfort for a while longer, Dazai cleaned you both up with the towel and dressed you both as he then gently picked you up and placed you in the back seat to lay down as you had fallen asleep.

He took a warm blanket he always kept for you in the trunk and tucked and buckled you in as he took his place in the driver’s seat and drove you both back to your house.

Once you both arrived he took you in arms and walked you both up to the front door where he used the key you gave him to let you in.  As quietly as possible, he then took you both upstairs to your room where he tucked you in again and then got comfortable in the bed next to you; gathering you in his arms and then pressing a kiss to your head.

“Good night, my love sleep well.”

[pastelchris]

just like oranges.

“wonwoo stiffened beside him, holding his breath for a couple of seconds, he wished there was a button to disappear from there, become invisible or something.”

☀︎︎PAIRING: jeon wonwoo x kim mingyu

☀︎︎GENRES: angst, fluff, oneshot, childhood friends!au, highschool!au

☀︎︎WARNINGS: mention of domestic violence, mention of bruises, mention of violence.

author’s note: hello <3 i’m back with another fluffy angst. i was eating an orange while my dad was screaming to my mum and brother and i got the inspiration. the rest is purely fictional tho. for a better context, the place that i imagined was similar / taken from steven universe. i just love the light effects so much and the coloring is amazing, i love it so much. i want you to read it while thinking about oranges smell and a warm agust sunset. i made this thinking about a platonic relationship but it’s up to you to decide! i hope you’ll like it as much as i did <3

“usually my dad's screams last an orange. i’d watch him walk around the house angrily while screaming and gesturing at my brother, my mom, and anyone who would get in his way at the moment. i’d just swing my legs, sitting comfortably on the kitchen table, peeling my orange, and eating over the sound of his screams. sometimes we’d look at each other, then i’d do my best not to betray any expression, hoping that he wouldn’t have anything to say to me. most of the time it would work, and i’d just stare at the view of his shoulders as he walks away, then i’d go back to my orange. but sometimes I’d stare back a second too long, maybe I wouldn’t hold my emotions enough, so instead of his shoulders, I’d see the shadow of a hand or a foot, and suddenly the orange would be nothing but a crushed pulp on the ground.”

this was one of those days, he said to himself, swinging his legs into the void while he looks at the sea from above a wall: it's almost sunset, and the pink and violet of the sunset match the shades on his skin, making it look like a colorful yet bitter painting of despair.

he slowly closes his eyes, enjoying the quietness of the place, healing after all of the noise he had to stand at home.

or so he tries, until a too well-known noise comes to his ears.

« WONWOO !!!! » he screams, running towards him, waving his arms around.

mingyu has always been pretty, to him at least, since the first time he saw him, playing basketball in the school’s gym, and it’s not news, they’re still in high school, but everyone reminds him of his looks as soon as they get the chance, telling hem that one day he’ll make it big.

but to wonwoo, he’s always been pretty outside And inside, and now, messy hair and skin glowing under the sun, he’s even prettier than usual.

he hears his voice again, calling for him with such an excitement that only puppies have, wonwoo greets him back, hiding the bruises under his sleeves.

« good afternoon to you too mingyu. where are you running to?»

« to you of course » he rolled his eyes, jumping up and sitting next to him, enjoying the warm breeze.

« i tried to call you the whole day but you straight up ignored me, am i that annoying?» mingyu pouts at him, jokingly putting up a scene.

« i promise you i wasn’t ignoring you, gyu. i just had lots of homework to do, some of us actually need to study you know? »

« yeah, and i feel sorry for you...must be hard to have such a small brain »

« oh shut up you idiot » wonwoo sighed, turning back to face the beach, bringing up his legs to hug them and slightly flinching as he hits one of the bruises.

« hey woo, wanna swim? the weather is perfect today» gyu asks him, the same expression of a labrador who wants to go out.

« i think i’ll pass today, but you can go! i’ll watch you from here » wonwoo slightly smiled, chin resting on his knees.

« but i want you to come with meeee pleaseeeeeee » mingyu clung to his arm like a little kid, making the other flinch in pain unintentionally.

gyu looked up at him confused, clinging again on his arm and watching him thin his eyes in pain, looking away.

« what’s wrong woo? did you get you hurt?» he sounded concerned, hand still around his bicep

« d-don’t worry about it, i just stumbled on the door earlier...it’s fine, i’m fine»

« then why won’t you look at me?»

wonwoo stiffed, an unpleasant feeling filling the pit of his stomach: guilt.

he always told mingyu everything, the good and the bad, he never kept anything from him before, well, obviously, everything but episodes like those.

« you always avoid my gaze when you’re lying, has anyone ever told you you’re a really really shitty liar?» gyu pouted like a kid, slightly frowning as a thought took shape in his mind.

« could it be tha-»

« i really am okay mingyu, stop asking please » wonwoo tried to persuade him, brushing off the nervousness with a little laugh.

« but i don’t think i believe you » gyu answered, still looking at him in the hope to find his eyes.

« well i think that’s a You problem, i’m saying the truth-»

« then why won’t you look at me?»

« because i don’t want to.»

« but you never avoid my gaz-»

« JESUS CHRIST WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?» wonwoo finally snapped, looking back at him with piercing black eyes and grinned teeth.

« i just want you to look at me while you tell me the truth...i don’t like it when you lie...» mingyu bit the inside of his cheek, he never intended to make the other angry, but he also didn’t like it when people lied to him, especially since he was the last to judge another over the truth.

« well fine then, i don’t feel like swimming today because all of my body- and i mean Every Single Inch of my body Hurts like hell and you’re making it very hard for me to enjoy some fresh air before coming back inside. » wonwoo breathed in, frowning even more and staring at the sea.

« was it your dad?»

wonwoo stiffened beside him, holding his breath for a couple of seconds, he wished there was a button to disappear from there, become invisible or something.

instead, he just kept silent, staring at the beautiful view in front of him, while mingyu tried to understand his expression.

« i actually had a hunch but you didn’t let me finish, i guess i’ll take your silence as a yes...can you look at me?»

no answer.

gyu waited for a couple of minutes, thinking of a way to get the other to acknowledge his presence beside him.

« is it the first time he does it?»

still no answer, but he could sense the stiffness in wonwoo’s posture, the way his shoulder closed up as if to protect him, he somewhat curled up a bit, making it even harder for mingyu to see him in the face.

« does he do it often?»

this time he got an answer, a slight shaking of the other’s head, telling him that, luckily, it wasn’t a frequent thing, which made it bearable.

« mhnm....i see....i’m sorry if i forced you to open up woo...i just...i want to be as close as possible to you, i want you to trust me with every little secret you keep inside, and most of all, i want you to come to me when you need help or confort, i want to be a still point in your life but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to achieve such goal if you keep acting like a stray cat to me...» mingyu’s words came out rushed, they left him out of breath and he finished the sentence in a whisper, and still, wonwoo noticed the slight flinch of his hand, the way he closed it as a fist; he noticed his posture got stiffer, his eyes lost the playful light they usually had, and became two sharp daggers, staring at him.

« i’m sorry if i made you feel pressured to tell me, i won’t ask anything again but instead wait for you to tell me, but please, keep it in mind okay? come to me first if anything happens, alright? i promise you i’ll be by your side from dust ‘til dawn if you let me.” mingyu was a pretty loud person, he had a deep pouty voice but always talked as if he was selling fresh fishes in the morning, so he didn’t hear wonwoo’s muffled sobs at first, just when he looked at his eyes, and saw them puffy and teary, he realized something was off.

« woo?-»

he couldn’t even finish the sentence that a pair of marked arms flew around his neck, hugging him close to the other’s chest.

wonwoo’s voice was tore from the sobs and the pain

«thank you so much gyu, you really are my safe place»

wonwoo kept him closer to himself, burying his face on the other’s hair, closing his eyes.

the sunset light turned them both into golden statues, just like a painting they perfectly fitted into each other, mingyu’s skin glowing like caramel and wonwoo’s as light and shiny as porcelain, marked by violet and red-ish doodles.

« do you wanna swim now?»

« are you fucking dumb i literally look / and feel / like a war survivor right now »

« right m sorry»

«....»

«.....»

«.....»

«pizza?»

« yup, definitely up for that.»

the end.

[paper-chain-queen]

String of Fate 2

Kyo Sohma X Freader

The part 2 that I don’t think anyone on tumblr wanted XD but here it is

Soulmate Au / Red string that connects you to your soulmate

Words: 3,000+

Rating: Teen, Some swearing

Summary: Kyo thinks the universe is against him and the reader finds herself in a terrible nightmare that she hopes will end soon. And... someone should really just ban me from my keyboard already :p

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"NO! Stay the hell away from me!"

You replayed the clip in your mind of the orange-haired boy who was your soul mate had jumped out a second-story window to get away from you. Kyo Sohma had ripped your heart out of your chest and smashed it on the ground. And then stepped on it.

Or at least, that's what it felt like.

"I'm home..." You called out to the house as you slipped off your flats. The house smelled good, like freshly baked goods, and a tangy citrus smell wafted out of the kitchen.

"Welcome home honey, how was your first day of school?" Your grandmother asked as she stepped out of the kitchen and smiled at you, wiping her hands on her apron. Your grandfather and Mother were nowhere to b found.

"It was fine, thank you. Where Jiji and Okaa-San? " you asked as you slipped into the kitchen and peeked into the fridge.

" They had to go to the market."

"I'm going to lay down for a bit." You told her, giving her a small fake smile as you passed.

"Not feeling well?"

Well, I met my soulmate, and he jumped out a window to get away from me, so yeah, 'I'm not feeling well.'

"Just tired, big day and all" It wasn't exactly a lie, more like... withholding details.

"Here, baked fresh. You can even eat it in your room. But don't tell you're Jiji." She handed you a muffin, and it was still warm from the oven, it looked delicious.

I wonder if Kyo liked lemon poppy seed muffins?

You felt your mood worsen as you realized that he would probably smack it out or your hand or something even if you got within speaking distance.

"Thanks, Baba." You took the muffin and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

You escaped into your new room and dropped your bag on your floor and placed the muffin on your desk. You didn't have much of an appetite at the moment.

Letting out a large sigh, you flopped down on the bed, grabbing a fluffy pillow and curling yourself around it. Hoping to find some small sliver of comfort.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

You lifted your hand and looked at the red string. You had someone finally found him.

Kyo Sohma was your soul mate.

And he had screamed at you to get away before even trying to get to know you. You felt your eyes burn and you clenched them shut and curled your body in tighter as if that could keep you safe.

I'm an idiot... to believe in the soulmate thing...

A true fucking idiot

Your phone vibrated, and you ignored it for a bit.

Til it buzzed again. And again. And again.

Letting out a huff you reached over and grabbed your phone, the screen lit up, and you had 4 messages. All from (BF/N).

-Miss you already!-

-Hope your making friends!-

-Went for ice cream today, wish you were here!-

The fourth message was a selfie of her and her soul mate, Katie. Both had over the top sad faces, and if you were in a better mood, you might have giggled, but all you felt was a slight bitterness. She had found her soulmate. And she's pretty sure Katie didn't scream at her to getaway.

-Katie wants to know how the cafeteria food at your school was like?-

-Also.. are you wearing a school uniform? If yes, we need pictures ;) -

You decided to answer all these questions later, and as for the uniform selfie... maybe never.

Right now, you just wanted to sleep.

Maybe this is all a bad dream

.-.-.-.-.-.-.

"Is anyone gonna tell me why Kyo came home early today?" Shigure asked the two teens as they sat down for dinner. There was a place made for Kyo, but he had yet to come down from the roof.

Tohru had tried to get him, but he was in a fouler mood than usual, snapping at her and telling her to 'go away.'.

" We had a new student today, and the stupid cat threw a fit and ran away." Yuki scoffed before taking a bite.

"Oh, a new student, that's exciting. What's he do to make Kyo snap?" Shigure enjoyed a bit of gossip.

"SHE didn't do anything. The Idiot just screamed at her and jumped out the window." The student council president had spent a good ten minutes apologizing on Kyo's behalf, but there was something about the crestfallen look on the girl's face that made him want to slap the Cat for being so rude.

" Poor (L/N)-San, she looked completely devasted." Tohru had been at the other end of one of Kyo's angry moments, and it could be disheartening and a little scary. She hoped that the girl wasn't taking it too hard.

"I think anybody would be upset had someone acted that way towards them...I wonder what made our Kyo snap on her? Was she trying to hug him or something" Shigure asked, but the teens shook their heads to say 'no.' Tohru couldn't erase the look on the new student's face and the way she stared sadly down at their hand and to the desk that Kyo had occupied all day.

Tohru had wanted to try to make friends with her during the lunch break, but she had disappeared, and when (y/n) had returned, her eyes were red and slightly swollen.

" You should try to befriend her Tohru-Kun, it must be scary being a new student. It sounds like she could use a friend like you." Shigure put forward, a bright smile on his face. Yuki didn't trust it, but then again, he rarely trusted the Dog.

"Oh! That's a great idea, I'd love to be her friend!" Tohru felt empowered with Shigure's words.

"And maybe invite her over sometime. I'd love to meet a cute foreign highschooler." This earned Shigure to have chopsticks thrown at him by Yuki, who called him deplorable as he did so.

The brunette didn't really notice the two cousins clashing as she thought of how she could introduce herself, maybe make extra food for lunch so she could share it with (y/n).

Tohru was going to make friends with the new student and make her feel welcomed. And also try and tell her that Kyo wasn't all that bad.

She thought of the orange-haired boy on the roof and hoped he would feel better soon and hopefully make things right tomorrow.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It wasn't a dream, you had 'met' your soulmate, and he had no intention of seeing you.

Kyo didn't return..... it had been two days, and he had yet to return to school.

His cousin, the 'prince' of the school, Yuki Sohma had apologized for Kyo's actions. Two people couldn't be any more different in terms of looks and personality.

Well... not like you really knew anything about Kyo's personality other then he might have a temper.

Yuki was another very handsome boy, and you could see why he was so popular, but he just didn't light a fire in your heart the same way Kyo had with one simple glance.

You had asked Yuki if his cousin was okay, but the grey-haired boy simply told you that Kyo was just...like that? And that you shouldn't worry about him. He had said so while smiling, contrasting his harsh words, and you'd be lying if you said that it didn't creep you out a little bit.

They must not get along...

Tohru, a friendly girl with large kind eyes from your class, had been quick to befriend you, offering you a place with her friends during lunch hours. She even tried to defend Kyo's actions, stating that he really was a wonderful person.

Him being a 'wonderful' person somehow made you feel worse. You told Tohru that it was nothing for her to worry about, but she didn't seem convinced.

Her two friends Uotani and Hanajima were... interesting but very lovely people. Your ebony-haired classmate could even sense 'waves' and had outed you to her friends about the red string wrapped around your finger. You wondered what else her mysterious powers were capable of. Tohru was enthusiastic about you having a soul mate. Apparently, her parents had been soul mates and had been absolutely crazy for each other.

Your own enthusiasm was non-existent. Now you were just worried about Hanajima being able to connect the strings through her 'superpowers' when Kyo did return.

If she had been able to sense yours, then it was possible she was able to detect Kyo's and knew what he was to you. Not only were you heartbroken, but you were also now aware that someone else knew about your humiliating rejection.

Things at home were... fine. You didn't tell anyone what had happened and tried to put on a brave face. But your Mother, who was usually aloof to how you were feeling, had noticed that something was wrong. Her idea of a fixer-upper?

A shopping trip. At least your Mother tried.

Plus, your grandmother kept trying to feed you baked goods, but you just weren't hungry. Their hearts were in the right place, and they wanted to make you feel at home.

But how were you supposed to tell them why you were sad?

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

As you walked through the school hallways, you wondered if Kyo would show up. He was missing so much class.

Even if you were hurt by him, and you should be angry at the boy. You couldn't do it. All you wanted was answers.

Why did he run away? Why was he so mad at you? How was he doing? Was he okay? What were his interests? What kind of food did he like? Was his hair as soft as it looked?

Perfect. I'm thinking about the guy who screamed at me to 'get away'. Maybe I should ask if I can take his homework to him, perhaps we can talk and - Oh?

You slid open the classroom door, and there he was. His beautiful orange-hair seemed to be glowing in the morning light.

Day four and the boy who successfully ripped your heart of your chest had finally returned to school. The boy at the other end of your red string sat in his desk with his arms crossed and staring out the window. You held your hand over your heart to try and calm it down and took a deep breath.

It's now or never...maybe this time... will be better

"Um... hello" You tried to greet him as you approached his desk, hopeful that this time he wouldn't try to leap out the window.

"Don't." He snapped, not even turning to look at you.

" But I-" You tried again, but this time he turned and gave you a hard glare, but you stood your ground, waiting to hear his side. You could hear a few other students in the room whispering as they looked over at the two of you.

"Come with me." He said, and he got up from his desk and left the classroom, you quickly hurried after him, a little spark of hope in you as you fell in step behind him. He would look back at you every so often, and every time you looked into his eyes, you felt your heart jump, a fluttering feeling in your stomach. You even smiled at him when you caught him looking back.

His orange eyes widened at your smile, and he let out a huff and turned around, continuing to lead you up a staircase. You couldn't help but notice that the tip of his ears were slightly red.

Maybe he's had to time to cool off, maybe he was overwhelmed with meeting me, maybe..... just maybe

He opened a door, just leaving it open long enough for you to follow. He had led you to the roof, you felt a small breeze and closed your eyes, the fresh air helping to put you a bit at ease. You were feeling lighter already.

Maybe everything's going to be alright...

You turned to Kyo, waiting for him to say something and you were met with his back. His shoulders were tense, and you could sense his agitation but assumed it was just nervous.

"Here's how this is going to work, You're gonna stay the hell away from me. Don't talk to me, and I'm gonna pretend that you don't exist." He declared, and you felt your blood go cold. The light hope in your heart had grown and been struck down all within a moment. Kyo took a deep breath and then turned to face you, his eyes glaring daggers into you. The fluttering feeling of butterflies had turned to spiders crawling.

Kyo Sohma didn't want to even try or be friends or anything. Was it so easy to squash my feelings as if I were an ant beneath his shoes. Did the universe really think that this was the man I was meant to be with?

" I don't understand.." you whispered... it wasn't even towards him, but he just sneered at your comment. As if you were supposed to be understanding.

" I never wanted this. To me, this soulmate thing is bullshit. It's a curse. I don't want you." He spat, his words felt like sharp knives, and you had no shield to protect you.

" Ya should've stayed wherever the hell you came from but because I have the worst luck in the world... you're here. Do me a favour. Stay. Away. From. Me." He sounded it out, slowly, word by word, as if he was speaking to a child.

Am I truly that disgraceful in his eyes? Does he even see me as a person? Did he ever care about the person at the other end of the string?

You were cursing Tohru in your mind for getting your hopes up because she was wrong. Kyo Sohma was NOT a wonderful person.

The universe was also wrong. Life was too short to be treated this way. Your Mother wasn't going to take any more shit from your father, and you weren't going to take it from Kyo Sohma.

"..fine... asshole." You muttered under your breath as you were about to walk away.

"What did you say?" He grabbed you by the wrist, and you tried to ignore the jolt of electricity that went through you. His touch was warm, and you were able to take in his gorgeous tangerine eyes up close. It was a shame that they were glaring into yours.

Why did he have to be good looking?

"I said, FINE! I won't bother you. I'll leave you the hell alone. Now, do me a favour.... Let. Go." Your words felt bitter coming across your tongue, tears were burning in your eyes, but you stood your ground.

"Tch." He didn't say anything, he released you and stormed off the roof through the door you had come through. Leaving you alone.

You never prepared yourself for this. This pain. It was worse than anything. Worse than the time you tripped down the concrete stairs and broke your arm. Worse than the time you went swimming in the ocean and was stung by a jellyfish. Worse than having to leave your childhood home behind.

"It's a curse."

Those were his words.

You wanted to run away. But there was a proud part of you that felt like if you did that, then Kyo would win whatever battle you two were having.

How did it come to this?

Hot, salty tears flowed from your eyes and down your cheeks, wails left your throat, and you cried like a child. Any hope you had was gone. Kyo Sohma wanted nothing to do with you.

And if that's what he wanted... then fine. You would not speak with him or even look at him. And once high school was over, you would never look back.

You grabbed your handkerchief and tried to calm yourself down, hoping you had enough time to pull your self together before the first bell rang.

Kyo's words just kept ringing in your ears.

" I don't want you "

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Kyo marched into the boys' bathroom, narrowly colliding with another student it was coming out. The stranger was about to yell at him to watch where he was going, but after seeing the wild look in the orange-haired boy's eyes decided it was better to stay quiet and pretend it didn't happen.

The frustrated boy went the sink and gripped the edge, trying to breathe and calm himself down. He ran the tap and splashed his face with water, hoping it could help wash away the terrible feeling that was running through his body.

He was sweating, but his body felt cold like he had a fever or something. The boy thought maybe he caught a cold or something by spending the last two nights under the stars, trying to get his head straight and come up with the best way to solve his 'problem.'

Rehearsing, going over his words. He wanted to make (Y/N) want nothing to do with him. Push her away. Make her wish that she had never met him.

And by the broken look in her eyes and the hollow sound in her voice, he succeeded. (Y/N), his soul mate, was going to hate him and stay away from him.

A wave of nausea flew over through him and leaned over the sink, retching what little was in his stomach, dry heaving.

He couldn't get her face out of his head. Kyo wanted to run his hands through her hair, wondering if it was as soft as it looked. Her small smile that was directed at him when he looked over his shoulder. God, it was beautiful, and it made his heart race and made him feel like he could take on anything.

But then...

The look on her face when he told her to stay away, when he lied. Telling her that he didn't want her. Kyo felt his heart drop to the floor, and his skin felt ice cold. Her large eyes filled with sorrow, a profound sadness that dropped him into this bottomless pit of hopelessness. The string around his pinky no longer felt tight, but there now seemed to be a heaviness to it. Weighing him down.

Everything hurt now

But this was all for the best... right?

It was always hopeless, to begin with, so better to hurt her now rather than give her any sense of hope that they could be together.

Because he was cursed, and she was free to live her life without him.

She was beautiful and glowed like the sunshine. She could have anyone she wanted. Kyo knew it couldn't be him. That it shouldn't be him.

The cursed teenager looked down at the beads encircling his wrist and to the red string wrapped around his pinkie. Taunting him.

      .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. To Be Continued? .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

[starbuckie]

Some Quarantine Lovin’  Prologue: It’s Corona Time

Marvel Highschool!AU

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Obscene amounts of fluff, kissing, swearing, kinda a lot of angst

Description: Bucky Barnes is absolutely, no doubt about it, in love with Y/N L/N. He’s loved her since the day he laid eyes on her in the third grade. He loved her when he had his own girlfriend, and when he was barely friends with her for a whole summer. And of course, in his freshman year, they are now stuck together. In a house. During a worldwide quarantine. This should be fun.

Words: 2,110 words

A/N: Hey guys! This is my first fanfic, and I’m honest to God absolutely terrified. I hope you like it, because I’ve been wanting to write since the beginning of quarantine. If you like it, like or repost, and I’m so, so, grateful. Stay home and stay safe y’all!

“Buck, can you pass me the vitamin water?” The boy was stuck in his reverie, looking at the girl next to him with unfocused eyes. Bucky had a tendency to daydream during class about different things, however most of them came back to one person. “Bucky!” The girl, frustrated with him, quickly whacked him in the arm.

“Ow, what the hell Y/N?” Bucky rubbed his bicep where she had so rudely whacked him. The girl chuckled briefly and gave him a warm smile. “What are we doing right now,” he asked, “I wasn’t paying attention.”

Y/N’s smile grew wider. “Yeah, I could tell. Can you pass me the vitamin water? I’m thirsty and hungry, and we still have forty minutes of class.” Bucky rolled his eyes at his close friend and slid her the orange bottle across their shared desk. She screwed off the cap and chugged down half the bottle, while Bucky grimaced then snatched the bottle out of her hands. 

“Jesus Y/N, share with me too, I’m the one who bought it.” The girl just shot another heart-warming smile at him again, making his heart flutter. 

“But I’m the one who snuck you into my room when you couldn’t get back into your own house. I told you that going to creek with Steve at midnight was a fucking dumb idea.” She lightly snorted, and looked back up to the board, where physics problems were scrawled out in blue marker. Bucky thought back to that night two weeks ago. 

He had sat with you, Steve Nat, Wanda, and Sam at lunch, talking about the rumors of the COVID-19 breakout. They had overheard from some of the juniors that the school would be shut down, for only one day, but possibly more. Though it had only been barely a rumor, Bucky and Steve had to take extreme measures in case they wouldn’t be able to see each other for the next few weeks. They were going to go down to the creek behind the townhouses at night, and hang out. Y/N and Sam had immediately laughed at their two dumbass friends, and Nat and Wanda had barely cared. 

     Upset with their friends for being unsupportive, the Barnes and Nobles duo, as the gang liked to call them, decided to go through with their creek plan. They had snuck out at eleven thirty, well after Steve’s ma and Bucky’s parents thought they were in bed, and met outside Steve’s house. They had brought bags of chips, and Bucky had even managed to sneak two cans of beer from his dad’s stash. They stayed there until three in the morning, just talking about high school, and how they were so excited to be sophomores the next year and haze the new freshman. Then the topic of discussion had come to Bucky’s large crush on Y/N, that wasn’t too subtle. 

     “Buck, are you really going to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t like Y/N?” Steve asked his friend exasperatedly. Bucky rose his gaze from the gurgling water to Steve’s eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out and he blushed. “That’s what I thought, you idiot.” 

     So Bucky may have had a crush on one of his oldest friends. He had been enamored with her the moment he met her in the third grade with Natasha, until he met a pretty girl named Dot in the seventh grade and dated her until the end of eighth grade. Throughout that period of time, Y/N and Bucky’s friendship was distant and strained, but thankfully they reconnected with the crew over the summer going into highschool. He hadn’t seen her much during June, but when she came back from her acting camp up north, she had grown taller and tanner, with curves that he hadn’t noticed before. All his elementary feelings had hit him like a truck again, and he followed Y/N around like a lost puppy again, which Steve took note of and enjoyed teasing him about. By the end of the night with Steve, he had emptied out his soul to his best friend, making him promise to not tell a single soul. Steve agreed, but not before saying, “You’re screwed, punk.” 

     The boys had started walking back to their street, and when they looked at the time, they saw that it was 3:30, and they needed to get back. They sprinted to their houses, and scrambled back up the pipes on their houses. Steve got in safely, and poked his head out the window to make sure Bucky got in his own house as well. However, the sight he was met with made him laugh instead. Bucky had a panicked look on his face, and a look of realization came over him as he realized that the window was locked from the inside when he closed it earlier when leaving. 

     “Steve,” he whisper-yelled to his best friend, “can I come over for the night?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, hurry up!” Bucky scrambled back down to pipes and ran over to the side of Steve’s house, but as soon as he started climbing, Steve exclaimed, “Crap, crap, crap, my ma’s coming up the stairs, I gotta go Buck. I’m sorry!” His window shut quietly, and Bucky groaned. He pulled out his phone, and checked with the one person he both wanted and didn't want to see. 

     His finger hovered over her contact, her and Bucky’s faces grinning with peace signs held towards the camera. He pressed her number, and her gentle voice picked up. “Hey Buck, what’s up? I thought you were out with Steve.”

     “Yeah, about that…” He told Y/N the whole story of how his window was locked and Steve’s ma coming to his room. Her giggle through the phone was melodic, and he smiled just hearing it. “You are the only person I know who stays up at these unholy hours, reading Sebastian Stan fanfictio-”

     “Hey, you promised we wouldn’t talk about it!” She hurriedly cut him off. He chuckled quietly, and resumed talking.

     “Chill out, doll, no one can hear me. So, can I come over? Just for the night? I can provide cuddles and other services as well.” He jokingly said, wiggling his eyebrows though he knew she couldn’t see him. 

     “Yes, you can spend the night, you dumbass. But you gotta be quiet as shit, because if my parents find you with me in my bed, they’re gonna get the wrong idea.” His face heated up at the mention of that, but nonetheless, he still ran over to her house, a few blocks away. 

The rest of the night had been filled with quiet laughter, cuddling, and finally passing out at around 4:30 am in each other’s arms. 

Finally snapping out of his reverie, he just nodded dumbly until their physics teacher stood up. “As you all have probably heard at this point, the rumors about our school shutting down due to the coronavirus breakout are true.” Murmurs and laughs were audible around the classroom, and Y/N turned towards Bucky with a huge smile. Mr. Fury, clearly frustrated with the class, gets their attention again. “Hey, hey! I’m not done yet. Next week we will be testing online classes on the app Zoom. We are going to see how it goes, and though we hope that we will be able to return to school, the likelihood is that we will not be returning for the rest of the school year.”

Mr. Fury continued telling the class about Zoom, and instructed the students on how to use the app. Y/N was absolutely elated. For the rest of the year, she didn’t have to sit in hardass chairs at desks, but rather stay in the comfort of her home. It was part of her introverted nature she assumed, but as she saw the frown on Bucky’s face, she began to sport one as well. 

“Hey Buckaroo, what’s the pouting about,” Y/N inquiried. He sighed heavily and looked at her. “James, is everything okay?” To be honest, he was absolutely infuriated and scared of the virus, because it had now taken away his only safe place outside his house. Y/N knew about his family problems, the whole gang did, and they all did their best to support him in any way he needed, whether it was staying over or a homemade meal, but they were always there to help their friend. 

Bucky’s breathing got harsher, so Y/N grabbed his hand under the table and squeezed it. He glanced up, his eyes full of gratefulness and adoration. They both turned back to face Mr. Fury. “Tonight, there’ll be emails sent out to you, and your parents. Okay, pack up and leave, I don’t wanna see your faces for longer than I get paid for.” Y/N and Bucky gathered their things, and hustled out of the classroom.

“Hey Buck, hey Y/N,” Steve yelled from across the yard, “Where are you going next?” Y/N saw her blond friend and pulled him into a hug. Where she couldn’t see, Steve shrugged and Bucky glared at him. She released her friend from the hug. 

“Buck and I just have a free period next, we’re heading down to the library now though. Wanna come?” She asked. Steve nodded, and the trio walked to the library on the other side of campus. “It’s gonna be so weird when we have classes from home. I actually have to clean up my room, and see people from class. It’s a travesty.” She dramatically draped her forearm over her face, feigning sadness. What a fucking theatre kid, Bucky thinks. He just rolls his eyes and chuckles.

“C’mon, there are tons of things worse than just cleaning up your room. I’m gonna be stuck with my fucking family for a week, and maybe til the end of the year.” Bucky dropped his head at his words, and the three students stopped walking. Y/N pulled him in for a hug, running her hands up and down his back in a soothing manner. She knew he was on the verge of having a panic attack, and she hated it. She hated his father for making him feel worthless, she hated the psychopath who killed his mother, and she hated the fact that he has to take care of his baby sister all by himself, because only God knows where was father is at night. Bucky felt tears prick at his eyes, but he strongly inhaled and let it go. He secretly breathed in the scent of Y/N’s hair, the faint scent of her pineapple perfume calming him. She slowly released him from the hug, and he whispered, “Thank you.” With a small smile and nod of her head, they continued walking down to the library. 

Steve and Bucky made small talk about the online workouts for their baseball team, but Y/N was deep in her own thoughts. She hated the thought of Bucky staying with his dad for the duration of quarantine. Hell, she hated the thought of his dad in general. Y/N had known Bucky since the third grade, but he had only opened up to her about their family issues in seventh grade. However, she wanted to be there for him, because, well, she loved him. So, so, much. 

Before they entered the library, she stopped walking and said, “You guys go on in, I’ll catch up with you.” Both the boys looked at each other, confused.

“Where are you going, doll?” Bucky asked. She tried her best to hide the blush rising at her cheeks, but Bucky saw it and smirked. She rolled her eyes and started walking away.

“I gotta make a quick phone call,” she yelled, “I’ll be back faster than you can say cartesian diver!”

“What?” Steve yelled, confused by everything. He hadn’t had the project yet, but he would learn soon enough.

“I don’t know, it was the first thing that came to mind!” And with that, the excited girl made her way to the office to call her parents. Bucky chuckled at Y/N, though his heart was nearly bursting out of his chest with how adorably strange she was. His eyes stared at her retreating form for a while, until he turned around to meet Steve’s smirk. 

“Shut it punk, I don’t wanna hear it.” His cheeks were burning red and his oldest friend just laughed.

“Jesus, you’re absolutely smitten,” Steve said, slinging his arm around Bucky as they walked into the library.

[thebluejaysworld]

My thoughts and goodbye to Unus Annus. This is gonna be a LONG post and probably really rambly and personal. I’m sorry.

TWs: death, hospitals, mention of suicide/suicidal ideation

let me know if you need something else tagged.

First part is my thoughts on the premise, Second half is about my thoughts on the actual videos/channel/community.

As Unus Annus comes to a close I first want to say thank you. To Mark and Ethan for this. The channel and it’s premise are something very important to me.

From a very young age, I have understood and seen death and loss. One of my first memories is of my great grandmother’s funeral. I think I was almost two, as my mother had just found out that my brother would be my brother. But I also have seen and know the importance of holding onto memories as tightly as you can. Because I can also remember seeing my mother in the hospital and meeting Daniel for the first time in his little yellow blanket. Those are things you hold onto. Good and bad.

I remember the next major death that hit was my great uncle. Back in 2011. I saw him the night he died, as we had gone over to visit. And as leaving, I went back and gave him a hug, saying goodbye. As I always had. The next day I remember staying home sick and my mother getting the phone call.

I remember at the very beginning of my freshman year of highschool. A student killed himself. I did not no him, but the air was so thick with grief that even I couldn’t help crying. That’s who I am.

I remember only a few months later, the last time I saw my french teacher. An amazing woman with a heart of gold. I bought her a dollar store scarf for Christmas. I did not know that when I gave it to her and she hugged me, it would be the last time I ever saw her. I was sent home the day I was informed of her death.

I remember a fellow ego artist on Tumblr. Someone I had talked to and enjoyed their content. I remember scrolling through a different friend’s page while at lunch, and finding out they had passed away in a car crash.

I remember my uncle. Who was so intimating with his big frizzy hair and cowboy hat. Covered in tattoos. Who’s eyes always spelled mischief. I remembered finding out he had had a heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away.

And I remember almost exactly a year ago this November... When my Pop (grandfather) died. When he had been in the hospital for a few weeks. And my dad and his siblings, along with my grandma all took turns with him. He was never alone. And they were all with him as he went.

I remember, just a few weeks ago (the week before Halloween) when a good friend of my mother and myself passed away. A stunningly amazing woman who accepted everyone. Who’s singing could astound. Who had been battling cancer these past few months, but made it a point to still text my mother a good morning message as often as she could.

And these are just those I know about. Like everyone, there are those who come and go. Close friends, and even family who move away... Or simply fall out of touch. People whom I haven’t heard from in years. Where I have no idea if they’re even still alive.

But I hold onto those memories of them. Hold onto pictures and letters and texts. Because that’s how I keep them alive.

With Unus Annus, the premise of death and the unknown. Not knowing when... Is something I struggle with because of my anxiety. With people I love, people I see, People I know. It’s always in the back of my mind knowing... They won’t be there forever. That anything can happen at any moment. That people can die. And it terrifies me.

With myself, when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts... It was something that both pushed me towards and pulled me from. Yes, theoretically... I would be stopping my clock.... Taking that control. Why miss out on all the time left, since you never know how much time there is left. As painful and loud as the ticking may be. As life may be. I hold onto the thought of “what if”. And I started to just live life for me. Living life to enjoy and do what I want. Which is why Unus Annus means so much to me, aside from the videos and the memories I was able to create because of them. (Which I will get to in a moment). I have been living my “one year”. For the past two years. As shitty as 2020 has been... I know that I just gotta march on. Because I refuse to let my clock stop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Unus Annus has done so much for me this year. The least of which has been the daily uploads. Even though it seems so small, it means so much. I may say I hate/ can’t follow routines and structure... In as crazy a year as 2020... It was an incredible relief that if all else falls through, that was one thing that wouldn’t change.

It also helped me create so many memories. Mostly by watching them with my mom, who also enjoys their stuff. Where we could just sit and watch, laughing ‘til neither of us could breathe. Often making us both laugh when we thought we couldn’t anymore.... I remember with the camp stuff I went and talked with a friend I hadn’t in quite some time, and we both drew ourselves together as our “campsonas”.

Which brings me to the next point...

I have met so many amazing and talented people who have given me such incredible opportunities because of Unus Annus. For the first time ever, I was accepted in to do the collab project. Which was so huge for me. Not only as a member of the community, but as an artist as well. And even from there, I applied to join another thing as a “what the heck, why not? They probably won’t pick me, but I might as well...” And I was fully taken aback when I was in fact chosen to join the group.

So basically... This has been one heck of a year. And as crazy as it’s been, I am so thankful for the memories created. Ones that I will cherish forever.

Momento Mori, Unus Annus

[ragewerthers]

Take My Hand

Summary:  Kuroo has a song stuck in his head. Or to be more precise, Daichi seems to have a song stuck in his head and Kuroo finds himself absolutely addicted to it.  What does it mean?  And what could it lead to?

A/n: This is for Kurodai Mid-Birthday Week 2019! I went with the song inspired prompt and it took me almost til the end of the fic to figure out which song I wanted, haha!

It is ‘Can’t Help Falling In Love With You- by Elvis Presley’. It’s an oldie but a goodie! :D

You can also read on AO3 at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21741760

Enjoy! :D

Word Count: 2227

————————-

“Hmm… hmmmm… hmmmmmmmm…,”

“Daichi?”

“Hmmhmm… hmmmhmmmm… hmmmmm…,”

“Sa’amura?”

Kuroo peeked his head around the corner of their shared apartment, glancing at his roommate who seemed to be lost in his own little world.  He had to bite back a smile as he saw the way the former Karasuno captain continued to hum from his spot in front of the kitchen counter.  Swaying back and forth as he mixed together something for dinner he seemed to have lost himself completely to a song in his head.

They had been living off campus for awhile now.   It had seemed like a good idea.  Both were still getting their feet under them and renting an apartment together and sharing expenses would definitely make things easier.  Not to mention they knew one another from high school and a friendship had definitely grown from their rivalry all those years ago.  Daichi was a bit more serious than Kuroo and helped to ground him a bit.  Kuroo was  bit more outgoing and helped to pull Sawamura from his shell.  Their cohabitation was definitely beneficial to both parties, but Kuroo did wish that he’d had an inkling of what was going to happen so he could’ve prepared himself a bit more.

In their time living together they had grown used to each others little idiosyncrasies.  This one in particular was one of Kuroo’s favorites not that he would ever say anything to Daichi.  If he did, the man might stop altogether.  There was just something so… endearing about catching the other man in these moments.  He never sang… always just a little hummed song and only when he thought he was alone or he got caught up in a task.

However, it was always the same song.

It had started just a few weeks into them living together.  Kuroo had been hidden away in his room attempting to get in some extra studying and before he’d known it the clock had read somewhere near one.  Groaning he’d leaned back from his small desk, feeling his spine pop pleasantly and had decided to head into the kitchen to find a snack.

That was the first time he’d heard it.

Making his way quietly down the hallway he’d heard a quiet mumbling.  No… not a mumble.  A rumble?  No.  They hadn’t quite fit the sound either.  As he drew closer to the little kitchen he’d noticed that a light had been left on and his brow furrowed.  Quietly he’d glanced around the corner and seen Sawamura standing over by their small stove.  He was stirring something in a saucepan that smelled suspiciously of chocolate, but what caught Kuroo’s attention more was that he finally registered the noise.

The man was humming.

It was quiet and soft, but a song nonetheless.

Kuroo felt something in his heart flutter as he heard it and he’d had to take a moment to find the breath he’d lost.  Why had it effecting him so?  He’d actually had to compose himself against the hallway wall before working up the nerve to make his entrance.  Not wanting to startle the other he’d taken a deep breath and made his footsteps a little louder as he entered into the kitchen.  As expected, the humming had instantly stopped, but Daichi didn’t look startled or embarrassed.  Actually he’d turned his head and given Kuroo a little smile, making Kuroo wonder if he’d even known he’d been doing it in the first place.

“So… couldn’t sleep either?” Daichi had asked, opening one of their cupboards and pulling out another mug.

“No… studying got away from me… a bit… by three hours,” Kuroo had answered honestly, scratching the back of his neck with a sheepish grin, still feeling the way his heart beat a little faster in his chest.

“Well… lucky for you that I made a bit too much cocoa to help with my own sleeplessness.  Here… I’ll pour you a cup as well.”

The warm feeling that infiltrated Kuroo’s chest upon hearing the soft humming only grew at the gesture.  He’d happily accepted the drink and they’d spent another half hour chatting in the kitchen before they’d finally called it an evening when Daichi had almost nodded off at their kitchen table.

After that one evening, there had been a few more instances of Kuroo being caught off guard by that humming and each time his heart felt like it was going to flutter out of his chest.

It was around the fifth time that he realized that perhaps… possibly… he may be harboring a bit of a flame for the other man.  There was no denying that when they were younger he’d had a crush on the guy.  Who didn’t?!  Or to be more specific… who couldn’t?  He was strong, smart, charming… you’d have to be an idiot to not have had a crush on one Sawamura Daichi.  However, Kuroo had simply pushed back his feelings.  It was supposed to have been a highschool crush, nothing more.  They were all getting ready to start their university careers and who would have time for something trivial like that?  He’d been completely content to just continue a friendship nothing more.

But…

But….

Then he’d had to hear that soft, gentle humming that made his heart flutter, his stomach feel like there were butterflies inside and his knees feel like jelly… and now all those old feelings came rushing back like a tsunami.

And that had only been the start of his troubles.  Ever since the realization had struck he’d found himself falling harder and harder for the man with each passing day.  Did Daichi even realize what he was doing to him?!

Probably not.  But every teasing comment, every home cooked meal, every time they shared a moment together only seemed to make the fondness in his heart grow for the former captain.

So… here he was, standing in the hallway, listening to Daichi humming that same song like always, his heart beating a mile a minute and savoring every second.  He would happily stand there and listen to this song over and over again and to be fair… hadn’t he already been doing that?  The only thing that ever bothered him… was that he had yet to be able to figure out what the song was.

How many times had he secretly heard it now?  Fifteen?  Fifty?  Maybe somewhere in the middle, but each time he would go through the list of songs he knew and not once was he ever able to come up with the right tune or melody to match.

He’d even gone so far as to ask Bokuto and Kenma for help, but he himself had never really been able to carry a tune.  When he’d tried to hum the song or sing it a bit, he’d gotten two different reactions.

Kenma had asked if he was being serious or if he was trying to purposefully sing off key.

Bokuto had laughed so hard he had literally cried, claiming that Kuroo sounded exactly like a cat yowling in an alleyway.

Needless to say he’d given up asking others for help after that.

Still, there was something kind of thrilling about it.  A little mystery that Kuroo hoped to one day figure out or… that maybe one day Daichi would be willing to confide in him?  But honestly, what were the chances of that?  He didn’t know that Kuroo was harboring these feelings.  Daichi probably had no idea that he hoped to one day have more than this friendship, but

“Wise men say… only fools rush in… But I can’t help… falling in love… with… you,”

Kuroo’s smile faltered as he heard the humming shift into Daichi’s smooth voice, though the other still kept his words soft.  In an instant, the former Nekoma captains entire world focused completely onto that melody.  

“Shall I stay?  Would it be a sin?  If I can’t help… falling in love… with… you.”

The words were so gentle that it made Kuroo’s heart ache as he listened to it.  This was far more… personal than when he’d simply heard the melody hummed along in Daichi’s timbre.  This… this was a song the man honestly felt.

But for who? 

“Like a river flows, surely to the sea… darling so it goes… some things are meant to be.”

With every word, Kuroo found himself drawn more and more to Daichi.  He needed to know just who was it that was making this… amazing man sing so openly from the heart?  There was no way a song like this just gets stuck in a person’s head for weeks without there being a catalyst for it.

“Take my hand… take my whole life too.  For I… can’t… help… falling in love… with… K-KUROO?!”

The spell was immediately broken as Kuroo realized that he hadn’t just been drawn to Daichi’s words on an emotional level.  Apparently, much like a bed-headed moth to a flame, he’d made his way from his spot in the hallway to stand directly behind Daichi… managing to scare the hell out of the man and almost getting a wooden spoon to the face.

“Do I have to get a bell for you?!  Oh my heart….,” Daichi panted, clutching his chest and trying to get his breath back.  “Wh-what… are you doing sneaking up on me like that?”

Kuroo felt his ears heating up as he realized that he really, really didn’t have a good enough reason to be there.  His original reason for even being in the hallway to begin with was completely lost to him so his mouth decided to try and help as his brain slowly short circuited.

“Who are you singing about?” he asked quietly, his brain finally kicking in to remind him that his mouth said stupid, stupid things when left to its own devices.

Daichi’s entire face turned a slightly unhealthy shade of crimson and he cleared his throat.  “Oh… I… it was… I heard it on the radio today,” he said with a shrug, turning back to the food he’d been working on.

However, Kuroo found he really couldn’t let this go.  Not now.

“If you just heard it today, Sa’amura… then why have you been humming it for weeks?” he asked, stepping a little closer to the man, enough to see that the crimson color was now moving to his ears.

“No I haven’t.”

“Yes you have.”

“Prove it.”

“What are you, five?”

“What are you, five?”

Kuroo actually snorted as his own question was mimicked back at him in a very non-Daichi way.  Apparently he’d already had an effect on the man from them living together… and he was starting to wonder if perhaps in more ways than he’d dared to hope if the blush was anything to go by.

“Actually.  I can prove it,” he said with a wider smile, watching as Daichi turned to him with a narrowed expression.

“Is that right?” he asked, folding his arms over his broad chest and all but daring Kuroo to continue.

This only made Kuroo  grin and he nodded.  “I can prove it because I’ve been trying to figure out what this song is for just as long.  Since I first heard you humming it when making cocoa.  I’ve asked Kenma… hell I’ve even asked Bo!  I can name each and every time I’ve heard it because… each time it has always made me stop… and made my heart feel like it was going to flutter out of my chest,” he admitted, watching the way Daichi’s eyes widened before he quickly ducked his head to look at the floor.

Kuroo’s own expression softened and he stepped closer, carefully reaching forward and taking Daichi’s hand in his.

“Y-You don’t have to… you don’t… if you don’t feel the same I understand… I…,” Daichi seemed to be floundering for words now, as if his darkest secret was finally being exposed and Kuroo would take it and crush it in his hands before him.

Kuroo couldn’t take that.  Couldn’t take seeing and hearing that worry and fear and knew he had to make sure Daichi understood… really understood.

“T-Take… my hand.  Take my whole life too…,” he began, his words slow and careful and the notes a little offkey.  “For I… can’t… help.  Falling in love… with… you.”

Daichi’s eyes instantly glanced up as he sang, his eyes wide as if trying to decide if this was real or not.  But just as Kuroo was beginning to wonder if he’d misstepped he watched as a smile began to spread over Daichi’s face and the shorter man brought his free hand up to stifle a laugh.

It was Kuroo’s turn to feel his cheeks going red and he cleared his throat.  “S-Sorry.  I… I’m not very good at singing.  Ask Bo!  He almost passed out he laughed so hard when I tried to get his help figuring it ou-,”  His words were cut off as soft lips pressed against his own.

He remained frozen in that moment as Daichi leaned back, a warm smile on his face that Kuroo vowed he’d always work to keep there.

“I don’t know what Bo’s talking about,” Daichi murmured softly, giving Kuroo’s fingers a soft squeeze in his own as the former Nekoma captain realized that this man held his heart utterly and completely.  “You sounded perfect to me.”

[satanfm]

𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐌𝐄, 𝑹𝑶𝑶𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑰𝑵 𝒀𝑶𝑼. @jordanpls

𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒎𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆. 𝒂𝒔 𝒊𝒇 𝒎𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒊𝒍𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖. 

bolded songs are present them, italtics is highschool them, and bolded + italtics is both

take it like a man --- “here you'll become what you're supposed to be you think you can't but you can. think of the guy you want most to be. here's your chance to make it so take it like a man. what does she want? not really sure why can't we leave things the way that they were? why can i never say no to her? here you'll become what you're suppose to be you think you can't but you can. think of the guy you want most to be. not quite the guy i'd of chose to be but when she's standing so close to me i think i like her plan.”

i’ll cover you --- “live in my house, i'll be your shelter just pay me back with one thousand kisses be my lover and i'll cover you open your door, i'll be your tenant don't got much baggage, to lay at your feet but sweet kisses, i've got to spare i'll be there and i'll cover you i think they meant it when they said you can't buy love now i know you can rent it a new lease you are my love on life, be my life just slip me on, i'll be your blanket wherever, whatever i'll be your coat you'll be my king, and i'll be your castle no, you be my queen, and i'll be your moat.”

falling slowly --- “i don't know you but i want you all the more for that words fall through me and always fool me and i can't react and games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out take this sinking boat and point it home we've still got time raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice you'll make it now falling slowly, eyes that know me and i can't go back and moods that take me and erase me and i'm painted black well, you have suffered enough and warred with yourself it's time that you won.”

i can hear the bells --- “i can hear the bells well, don't cha hear 'em chime? can't 'cha feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time? and all because he touched me he looked at me and stared, yes he bumped me my heart was unprepared when he tapped me and knocked me off my feet one little touch now my life's complete 'cause when he nudged me love put me in a fix, yes it hit me just like a ton of bricks, yes my heart burst now i know what life's about one little touch and love's knocked me out and i can hear the bells my head is spinning i can hear the bells something's beginning.”

it takes two --- “you've changed you're daring you're different in the woods more sure more sharing you're getting us through the woods if you could see you're not the man who started and much more openhearted than i knew you to be it takes two i thought one was enough it's not true it takes two of us you came through when the journey was rough it took you it took two of us it takes care it takes patience and fear and despair to change though you swear to change who can tell if you do it takes two.”

the last night of the world --- “in a place that won't let us feel in a life where nothing seems real i have found you i have found you in a world that's moving too fast in a world where nothing can last i will hold you i will hold you our lives will change when tomorrow comes tonight our hearts drown the distant drums and we have music all right tearing the night a song played on a solo saxophone a crazy sound a lonely sound a cry that tells us love goes on and on played on a solo saxophone it's telling me to hold you tight and dance like it's the last night of the world.”

lay all your love on me --- “a little small talk, a smile and baby i was stuck i still don't know what you've done with me a grown-up woman should never fall so easily i feel a kind of fear when i don't have you near unsatisfied, i skip my pride i beg you dear don't go wasting your emotion lay all your love on me don't go sharing your devotion lay all your love on me.”

next ten minutes --- “cathy...will you share your life with me for the next ten minutes? for the next ten minutes we can handle that we could watch the waves we could watch the sky or just sit and wait as the time ticks by and if we make it till then can i ask you again for another ten? and if you in turn agree to the next ten minutes and the next ten minutes till the morning comes then just holding you might compel me to ask you for more there are so many lives i want to share with you i will never be complete until i do.”

love you like a table --- “your white dress sparks words spontaneous i'll sing from mountaintops i am in love (love, love) and i don't care who knows it lucky me i was ordinary but with your love, you see i am a po-o-o-o-o-oem writer i will express this if i'm able i love you like a table my legs were carved for you i love you like a table oh, oh, oh, oh i'm wood and you're glue cover me with stuff oh, oh, oh, oh and i will hold it up strong and stable oh, oh, oh, oh i love you like a table.”

i’ve never been in love --- “i've never been in love before now all at once it's you it's you forever more i've never been in love before i thought my heart was safe i thought i knew the score but this is wine it's all too strange and strong i'm full of foolish song and out my song must pour so please forgive this helpless haze i'm in i've really never been in love before.”

only us --- “what if it's you and what if it's me and what if that's all that we need it to be and the rest of the world falls away? what do you say? i never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me well so i give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go but if you really see me if you like me for me and nothing else well, that's all that i've wanted for longer that you could possibly know so it can be us it can be us and only us and what came before won't count anymore or matter we can try that it's not so impossible nobody else but the two of us here 'cause you're saying it's possible we can just watch the whole world disappear 'til you're the only one i still know how to see it's just you and me it'll be us, it'll be us and only us.”

happiness --- “but hearing you laugh seeing you there everything's shining new to mee there have to be words for telling you so but looking at you i don't know it's something like something like happiness something like warm something like true something like i have never knewn something like safe something like home all of this time having no clue there could be someone that i matter to into my heart out of the blue happiness so here's what it is here's how it feels having a life with you in it happiness.”

you matter to me --- “i could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes they've seen things that you never quite say, but i hear come out of hiding, i'm right here beside you and i'll stay there as long as you let me because you matter to me simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody you matter to me i promise you do, you, you matter too i promise you do, you see? you matter to me it's addictive the minute you let yourself think the things that i say just might matter to someone all of this time i've been keeping my mind on the running away and for the first time i think i'd consider the stay because you matter to me simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody you matter to me i promise you do, you, you matter too i promise you do, you see?”

almost paradise --- “oh almost paradise we're knockin' on heaven's door almost paradise how could we ask for more? i swear that i can see forever in your eyes paradise it seems like perfect love's so hard to find i'd almost given up you must have read my mind and all these dreams i saved for a rainy day they're finally coming true i'll share them all with you 'cause now we hold the future in our hand oh almost paradise.”

seven wonders --- “i've seen the seven wonders if you give or take a few but all them seven wonders well they can't compare to you i've been a lot of places yes, i've traveled near and far but now i know that home is where you are.”

perfect for you --- “this planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair but one thing is working if you're standing there. perfect for you i could be perfect for you i might be lazy, a loner, a bit of a stoner, it's true but i might be perfect, i'll make myself perfect, perfect for you. you square all the corners, i straighten the curves. you've got some nerve henry, and i'm just all nerves. but even if everything else turns to dirt we'll be the one thing in this world that wont hurt.”

somewhere --- “there's a place for us, somewhere a place for us. peace and quiet and open air wait for us somewhere. there's a time for us, some day a time for us, time together with time spare, time to learn, time to care, some day!”

no one else --- “the moon first time i heard your voice moon light burst into the room and i saw your eyes and i saw your smile and the world opened wide and the world was inside of me and i catch my breath and i laugh and blush and i hear guitars you are so good for me i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you i love you oooh, the moon oooh, the snow in the moonlight and your childlike eyes and your distant smile i'll never be this happy again you and i and no one else.”

i could write a book --- “if they ask me, i could write a book about the way you walk and whisper and look i could write a preface on how we met so the world would never forget and the simple secret of the plot is just to tell them that i love you, a lot then the world discovers as my book ends how to make two lovers of friends.”

i chose right --- “as i leave my single life behind thoughts are kind of spinning in my mind first i think about you and i think about me loving you and i think about you and me deciding we could be one it's crazy i know, i wrestle with my pillow all last night and i look at you and i know i chose right life's a very long road and the crossroads come up right away and it's so hard to know which way to go when you've barely begun and oh, the road you leave behind can shine so bright and i look at you and i know i chose right.”

unusual way -- “in a very unusual way one time i needed you in a very unusual way you were my friend maybe it lasted a day maybe it lasted an hour but somehow it will never end in a very unusual way i think i'm in love with you in a very unusual way i want to cry something inside me goes weak something inside me surrenders and you're the reason why, you're the reason why you don't know what you do to me you don't have a clue you can't tell what it's like to be me looking at you it scares me so that i can hardly speak in a very unusual way i owe what i am to you though at times it appears i won't stay, i'll never go. special to me in my life since the first day that i met you how could i ever forget you once you had touched my soul in a very unusual way you made me whole.”

suddenly seymour --- “lift up your head wash off your mascara here, take my cleanex wipe that lipstick away. show me your face as clean as the mornin i know things were bad but now they're okay. suddenly seymour is standing beside you you don't need no makeup you don't have to pretend suddenly seymour is here to provide you sweet understanding. seymour's your friend nobody ever treated me kindly father left early, mama was poor i'd meet a man and i'd follow him blindly. he's snap his fingers. me, i'd say, sure suddenly seymour is standing beside me he don't give me orders, he don't condescend suddenly seymour is here to provide me. sweet understanding, seymour's my friend. tell me this feelin' last for forever tell me the bad times are clean washed away.”

[alfi-ry]

Social Environment

I might as well continue while I’m at it.

“Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell who you are.”

Despite having a barbie doll as one of my first toys, I really wanted a nerf gun. “It’s for boys.” They say.

I don’t remember any problems from a social environment. I was told that I got into kinder a year earlier than most of my peers. I was a sleepy kid then because I stayed up ‘til late night even before I could even turn off the tv on the shelf. It was most likely when I was 3 or younger because the tv was my company. Math was fucking hard, man.

I was awarded as one of the most obedient child and my yearbook says that I wanted to be a nun. They just put that in because I haven’t decided what I wanted.

“Fashion design? There’s no money in that.” “Military! Do you want to die?” “Artist? No money.” “Model? You’re too small.”

My preschool and early elementary was almost none existent. What the fuck.

The only thing I could remember was there was two? three? boys. Four. Two of them were such fucking bullies. 

One of them took my toy ranchu goldfish. I fucking cried over it. He always gets my things suddenly. Then he tells me that he likes me. The fuck.

The other one I was kinder to but he would threaten to always hit me. He never did because our class president defended me. (Who was also rumored to like me. What the fuck.) This guy got sick and puked. I got worried and asked if he was okay but he told me to stfu. He left to go to the nurse’s then everyone near me started comforting me and telling me that he was like that because he liked me. I did not bother confronting him because I know what he would say.

There was also one time where a guy just said that he liked me. I don’t remember my answer but it came to a point where they celebrated because I was peer pressured to hold his hand. [Excuse me while I roll my eyes into oblivion]

Lastly, there was a boy that I carpooled with when going to school. He was a neighbor and he invited me over to his house to play with his sister but then they hid me in the closet because their strict grandmother hates visitors. I was snuck out and I never interacted with them since.

Hmm. Grade 3, I think I could say I was rowdy. I mostly hangout with guys because I could relate to them more. But that gave me a reputation with the girls that either I was a flirt or a lesbian. [Women are fucking terrifying.] Can you blame them? I was able to flirt - joke, talk - with one of the most popular guy in school. Kids, we were kids. What the fuck was that supposed to mean.

A good friend of mine confessed his crush but I only saw him as a friend. I confessed to my other friends but they turned me down because they like someone else but eh. I never cried over it.

My cousin and I went to the same school but they had to migrate. Since we were like twins, [not really, she was more femenine] she told me to look after her best friend so when she did we stuck together and got along better than the other girls.

We’re all still friends. I’m fucking proud of those mother fuckers.

Highschool. Fuck it. I hated my peers. I was still rowdy but that made the boys respect me less so I digressed to silence. I was interested more in writing, arts, horror, politics, and things “a typical teenager doesn’t like” so I was ostracized. Also, I was bullied for acting like a man and smelling like one too.

Sorry, I wasn’t the type to fantasize about getting pregnant by an EXO member.

Most of my insecurities formed from this point of my life. I wasn’t the smartest. I wasn’t the prettiest. I wasn’t the talented. I hated myself. And this was during my grandparents we’re dying. I almost had no one. I kept my emotions to myself no matter how extreme. I couldn’t afford to break the picture I made for myself.

I had friends during these time but I still felt left out. An outcast within the outcasts. We were fucking too weird in some ways and it was cringe in retrospect. I grew out of them.

But thanks to them I was able to form my own opinions.

College. Some of my chains broke off. I brushed off the opinions of other people to get in a college that I wanted. I had the liberty to be more me because this was a place where almost no one knew me. I met a few people from elementary and saw others from my highschool. Not gonna forget that time I got told I was “yummy.” Thanks.

It was a pretty difficult start but I got into a good social circle because of an asshole I trusted. It was the only thing he did nicely. Energy vampire was a good description for him. Pathological liar. He got chased away by the same people he tried to manipulate.

It was a so-so ride. None outweighed the other. My need to move and work got me into an official position in the organization I was in.

One of my greatest achievement in this part of life would be making three guys feel the need to gang up on me.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one who wanted to sit on the high seats of the organization. Though I wouldn’t mind not being there, but these fuckers don’t deserve it. My greed for morality wouldn’t let this slide.

Dick#1: Ugh. He was smart I’ll give him that. Cocky with something to show but he was the type that has the need to be superior? No. I don’t think so. He likes whipping his friends to submission though.

Pussy-- I mean Dick#2: I’ll be kinder to this one because we suspect that he is intellectually disabled [but it was only on social aspects so I doubt it a bit. Wouldn’t be surprised if he is tho] which plays great for #1. He was being bullied for being a lolicon but he denies it. He’s not afraid to say that he would jack off to an anime idol.

Dick#3: The bitch of the two. He’s socially awkward but there was something in me that doesn’t like him and he kind of proved it. He likes for his opinions to be accepted always and hates hearing others’. He’s easily manipulated. Naive, more than me I suppose.

They wanted #3 to get the spot I was getting so they created a spot just for him but it wasn’t enough. I needed to be out of the picture for them to move freely. Too bad, so sad, bitches.

My “friends” were worried for me because I was too emotional, I was too busy. First of all, thank you. But I’m the type that pushes myself a little further. Concerns are welcome but put me down and you’re not my friend. That’s why I had to let go of some of you.

I heard news that #3 was stalking a member so we had to deal with it. It got hairy but we were victorious and I was told I got more balls than my colleagues. Thank you but I’m just really impatient and wanted the fuckers out. My kindness is sometimes fueled by my selfishness.

But that aside, it’s heartwarming to hear that my colleagues saw me as a capable person especially since their mostly men, good ones at that. [Including my ex]

The biggest event here for myself is setting a boundary. I know people with actual psychoses but still, I needed to protect my peace and mental health. I don’t know her diagnosis but she guilt tripped me knowing what I was going through at the moment so I had to shut it down.

Current. I don’t go out much nor do I have a reason to. I made use of quarantine and connected to other people anonymously. Tiktok helped me map my morals. I discovered and rediscovered my interests and I am proud of myself if given the peace.

I used to watch people go by and see their stories as they move and talk but since quarantine is a thing. Social media helped me to sonder still.

Conclusion: My social and partially my public environment mostly helped me shaped my mindset. There are traces of my family’s mindsets and I accepted that but anything that differed from them was a work of mine.

[totallyboss-a]

KY.

let’s just talk about this for a moment.

i typically headcanon that jake’s parents left mid-sophomore year. hes relatively young, fresh out, fifteen. i imagine he was slowly learning about what his parents were doing at the time- he was around the house more, though his parents encouraged him to go out. ( by encourage, i mean they’d tell him not to come back to the house ‘til a certain time, so he often distracted himself with extracurriculars and clubs, primarily focusing on football, but often turning his attention to other ones, archery, soccer, speech and debate, academic decathlon, yearbook club, chess club, student council/government, internships, part time, community service, volunteering, etc. )

when jake began highschool, his parents were ecstatic to see that he was growing- not really from an affection point of view, but because their son was getting to the age where he could be introduced to the business, groomed, if you will, to be a heir to the family business.

it was roughly about this time jake was starting to notice the KINDS of people that were in his house, his parents were up late discussing ways to launder, and had a gang of people who were employed to do such a thing, along with aliases, different ID’s, numbers, it was dizzying. but it was dangerous too, and jake could tell that. with his smarts, i don’t have a doubt in my mind that if they hadn’t gotten caught with something, they would have gotten jake to begin taking part in the system they had organised, and officially made their child guilty of money laundering too.

but they got caught before they could do anything, and left jake completely alone. luckily enough, jake was already working at this point and had built up a respectable amount of payment. he just had to conserve it. jake took care of his home to the best of his ability, limited use of electronics, literally only used two plugs in the house at any given time ( usually to charge his phone, and a portable charger. ) and buys non-perishables. much of his food for the few months was non-perishables, canned food that wouldn’t rot, that he could buy in bulk so he didn’t starve.

whatever hours jake wasn’t working, he was spending time in school, doing extracurricular activities and clubs, pretending that he had a fine life. the passion within him isn’t quite there, but he tries so hard to keep doing, to just keep trucking through his life, because things are bound to get better eventually. he has a best friend now- someone he actually feels close with, not just someone for yelling at in the hallway and tossing casual insults. rich knows sides of jake that jake does not want anyone to see, because jake trusts him. but not enough, jake doesn’t let him know of the expanse that is money laundering. doesn’t let rich know he fears for his life on the daily, paranoia has trained him to be so observant, to associate cars with people and know everything going on with his life.

in reality, he is just afraid that one day, he will open the door to his home and be greeted with a gun, with a sudden overwhelming blackness, tortured for information he does not know, afraid because they think his parents still care about him, and he must convince himself that they don’t. he is so scared, so terrified, anything out of the norm is terrifying to him and it’s painful.

jake begins to question his relationships, struggles to keep a bridle ‘pon his emotions, they buck and throw him off course. he breaks up with chloe, someone he had opened up with, not entirely ( she was under the impression his parents were on business for a few months, trusted him alone with the house- good for her, she got more sex and jake got to fuck his emotions away for a while, settled his mind into a routine of red fog and kisses. )

it hurts. it genuinely hurts that jake spirals into this pit of depression, paranoia, constant fear for his ‘friends’ and for his life, all because his parents left him. it’s a domino effect.

he works himself to the point of exhaustion, struggling to balance work and school, every day he’s got a reason to be scared, because if he’s not perfect, the school will call his parents in- if he doesn’t get straight A’s, they’ll call his parents in, if he doesn’t perform the best, they’ll call his parents in, and then everyone will know.

the ‘pretty boy cliché’ is nothing more than a mask, a cliché he fits into, jake gets everything because if he doesn’t, he becomes terrified. he becomes the scared little fifteen year old again, no longer able to face the world with his iron smile, with a ribcage torn wide open, vulnerable, weak.

he can’t let it happen.

[kaiba-fangirl]

...there’s so much I could try to say, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain, that YES, hating someone while still wanting, and working so hard to get their approval - acceptance - love - acknowledgement is... very... normal? well maybe not “normal,” but, that is what happens in those situations... 

For me, “the old lady” I refer to, who you can read all about on my main blog, is not Gothel, but a way for me to refer to my dad’s mom without continually saying “dad’s mom,” to STILL give him the chance to separate himself from her, and because I have not sincerely referred to her as a “grandmother” since I was about 16. She was a third parent in the house since before I was born, til she finally died in 2010 when I was 22, but she ALWAYS- always, always, always, said that we were not her family. Probably the least of her transgressions. She messed us all up. When my dad was 17, he started a small, roadside, seasonal business. Wreaths and grave blankets. Now, as the area has grown and been built up, but other stands have closed down, our business is growing faster than we can keep up with. I started really working days out there when I was 12. But I hated it with a passion. Every year I wanted to hear that we were going to close for good. My feet were always numb from the cold, my shoes soaked through, my hands cut up and frozen, nails broken, just bitterly, freezing, fucking cold. In highschool, the weight room helped a little bit, but I’m still a girl and didn’t get any natural boost in muscles from puberty, unlike my brother. My back and shoulders have always been perpetually stiff and tight, muscles so sore and exhausted. Our work days have grown to 18 hours, and that’s with summer prep. With sinus infections because my sister is too ‘cool’ for a coat and then spreads her germs. And that’s just the manual labor. The constant screaming and yelling, and crying on our parts, let up a little in 2010 when she died. The next year it was right back, and actually worse. With my dad and her going at it, we knew what to expect. Now, there’s no scapegoat, no reliable malicious instigator. It’s just him versus us. For any reason. And, I’ve noticed myself turning into horrible middle management, snapping and screaming at my mom and siblings that *I* need things done, because if my impossible task list is not done, then *I* will be the one to hear it from *him*. And I hate seeing that come out of me. Good old “Blood, Sweat, and Tears.” So many tears, so much sweat, surprising amount of pain... At least we’re only open at Christmastime, right? But around, maybe 2006? I think I had already started college. My dad FINALLY, since I had given up on trying to convince him, decided to start using more different materials, nicer materials like velvet ribbon and silk flowers, instead of just plastic everything. Those new “fancy” designs (as per the materials’ Chinese names) have been growing steadily by 33% each year since then. I finally liked the designs I had to make, and felt like I had been listened to, even if I didn’t get credit. It was stuff I had pointed out a couple years earlier at our suppliers’ stores, but was always shot down. This also became my department. For the longest time, *only* I could make these designs, and made them with more precision and finesse than he could. I genuinely wanted to see these WOW people, and took pride in how each year, we did better than the last. I actually wanted to succeed. My brother and I began our off-the-cuff commenting dreams of having a permanent store someday, and how we would expand the place bit by bit. I also discovered Under Armour, Hot Hands, and made my mom invest in good boots for us all. Dec 22, 2011, I thought my dad was literally going to kill me. It had been an all-day screaming match, the likes of which I had never participated in nor seen. He found out, as we were opening, that I had plans to fix a friend’s laptop for $50, since it promised to be a slow day and we had more people working than we really needed. Still, I would do it out in the trailer and just supervise, or stop and make something if I was needed. He also thought I was late getting out to open, which was actually not true but he kept accusing me of lying all day. He flipped out, forbade me and my fiance from working, and forced me to sit with him at my desk, beside his desk, all day, while I fixed that laptop, and he screamed at me and called me names. And I screamed back, but refused to truly retaliate; I just wanted him to stop. The day ended with me in the trailer, in a ball on the dirty wood floor, trying to disappear, crawling into a pile of wreaths with my head brushing cobwebs from under a table, while he leaned over me, closer and closer, screaming at the top of his lungs and spraying spit in my face. I finally gave up, tried to bargain that if I said I was lying, would he stop? He refused. My fiance ran up, and froze, realizing that he was about to throw him down the steps, but that that would only make things worse for me. Luckily, my dad saw the look in his eye and left.  His excuse, when I found him asleep in his desk chair at 9:15am the next day? (We open at 9am.) He was sleepy, overtired. That’s why he lost it the day before. ...I haven’t fixed a computer for money since... ...things haven’t been the same for me since... I’m more scared of him than ever. I hate him more than ever. I wish I could get him out of my life, but he’s so enmeshed in everything. -- I also try harder than ever. I’ve been more focused on the business, taking on more responsibility, staking my pride in it and growing my confidence when I’m out there, talking to customers like I’m in charge, because I am-- out there. Just not overall. It’s... because I have tried so hard to make this business succeed, with my own ideas, and my whole body -- I see the numbers go up, I see customers rave and be so appreciative and thankful, I see family friends stop by and be amazed. But... it’s never enough for him. He hasn’t lost it so bad since then, but I still feel everything still cutting right through me. Loser, Liar, Pathetic, Stupid, Lazy... One slip, and everything can be perfect and you could have done everything right, but if he takes your “tone” the wrong way, heaven help us all... I can’t even ask him a single question because it might set him off. He’s worse than a boss or a father, cuz he’s both combined, wrapped inside a giant workaholic manchild who never got his mother’s approval; without that, I KNOW that he has none to give.  For a while now, certainly since 2011, he’s been saying how they would get along just fine without me. Not, “Focus on your degree, don’t worry about this,” but guilttripping me back there on the weekends and every spare second of my time. With other college problems, I was there for most of all of those seasons. ...this past Christmas was the first I skipped, to prove this point. And he said they really could have used me, and it wasn’t the same. I was also finally officially diagnosed with Major Chronic Depression in August, and he met -and talked for over an hour with- a woman in November buying a gravecover for her son, who had just committed suicide that year. (My parents have no concept of depression not necessarily being linked to suicide. I am not and have not been suicidal.) It hurt my heart to not be out in the brisk cold, working my arms out, physically accomplishing concrete things, dazzling customers with our shiny new ribbon and flower combinations, having them watch me deftly cut and nimbly flip ribbon around, while also roughly wrestling the same piece. He also tried pitting my brother against me, saying how he basically did everything and must care so much more. I said great, glad he’s doing so well and learning so much. My brother held nothing against me for not being there. (His mother would try to turn us 3 against each other all the time; old hat. Not gonna happen.) I missed it. I still hate him. Why do I want HIS business to succeed? To prove myself to one of my worst enemies... I guess? I just happen to also have to share oplatki with him after we close.