#not anxiety this time either tho
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thinking about it; the megaten games are almost always in Tokyo or Japan itself.
One was in or in a place similar to India with demons of Hindu myth and legend (tho I forgot what game that was......... Soul Hackers 2?? I could be very incorrect here I'll admit... I could always be incorrect.)
edited to add: I'm dumb i think, it was Digital Devil Saga i think..... Not Soul Hackers 2..... now i feel stupid......
another set of games took place in the arctic....
Makes me wonder what about other countries if that apocalypse was going on? Like if it was worldwide instead of local. Or how would the world population get together demon summoners to save everything?
If that's happened already, please forgive my ignorance.
Just thinking of whether each region would have their own spread of demons from their own local myths and legends; or would they just be everywhere regardless of regional myth?
Like in America; having a bunch of demons from the many Native American folklore.... Or the middle east being home to demons and mythical beings from Islamic tales, I'm sure you get my point.
and this may very well be the case.
would the summoners from different regions get along or see each other as enemies?
would the law/neutral/chaos alignments work the same way? surely they would honestly.
Are there different ministers in the cathedral of shadows for each region? Or is it solely The Minister?
Just musings about MegaTen over coffee~~~
#thoughts#thinking#i think too much#not anxiety#not anxiety this time either tho#just musings#about megaten#shin megami tensei#smt#megami tensei#megaten#why do I love a franchise so much even tho I have nary played a single game#i'm like that with shooter games too get in through music and stay hooked while not playing a single game#though unrelated touhou is an exception as I proudly like to tell people I beat PoDD#idk what else to tag#passing thoughts
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according to the patreon update, R7 is gonna release at the end of this month so..... non-ALNST ppl, if i suddenly vanish from the face of earth its prolly bc my favorite died 🎉
#i love u luka but if till dies its all capitanover#saw tills armpits in the sneak peek tho so my anxiety is already gone and im healed and ascending AHAHA until its time 😭#dont look dont judge i dont judge you either 🌼#babbles#tbd
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physically restraining myself from redrawing a bg n making it unnecessarily complicated n detailed
#I AM NOT DRAWING A BUNCH OF DETAILED BUILDINGS FOR A SMALL BG PIC IM NOT IM NOT#one of my nr 1 rules making the ask blog was that i was gonna half ass shit more#so that id actually get shit done#i can either go complicated or detailed#if i do both ill never finish anything u_u#i should actually be going 2 bed tbh............#But! im at least working on shit for the blog again which feels great!#still have some other projects i gotta finish also.... But i have abit more wiggle room 2 also do my own shit inbtween#for now..........#until deadlines catch up with me again B)#tho hopeully i can plan out my time better n not spend like 2 or 3 months filled with anxiety B)#rambles#also semi related i am also restraining myself from making an aradia ask blog................. u dont know how tempted i am#but i also know i dont have the time for it.................................................................#but.................................................................................#i wanna
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need 2 find myself again in 2025 . tbhwu
#depression has hollowed me out in2 a shell of my former self#and i thmk i need 2 grit my teeth and just get over It whatever It is#recognizing its no easy task but also knowing i cant keep on like this#and allowing myself to spiral into misery thereby preventing any possible change or growth#sigh …. sogh .. i want 2 be a person again . picture friends circa 2008 outlining me in chalk. i want 2 know theres something there#how u ask (me asking myself)#idk but one way or anotjer . and not in that new yrs resolution fallacy way#anyways . anyways z . crazy how a week off from work will leave u feeling real again#i gotta get out of there . step 1😭🙏🙏#its especially hard when everyone arnd you is objectively doing better. partners finances purpose . >staring in2 the camera 1000 yd stare#u get thru the beast of being a teenager like thank god thats over and then b4 you even catch ur breath#your mid 20s are casting a shadow over u like some menacing thing and u have to gulp and say hes right behind me isnt he#i think people often like to give the advice that youll figure it out but it leaves me feeling so disquieted#bc its like sure im sure i will ive made it this far i can do what i need to get by when the moment matters#but it does nothing to assauge the immediate anxiety and feelings of worthlessness and lack of direction yk#goddmanit assuage i spelled it wrong everyone point and laugh#bc its like what if i dont and i mean that in a very like . existential & not material way . idk what im saying but i think thats the advice#i hate most . not sure if u have felt or do feel the same . -__- like yes oersonal experience sure whatever happens will happen and you will#simply adjust but will i ever feel like its something i want to experience/endure .#whatever anyways x2. im journalling i think that helps me the best rn . and its the one thing thats allowed me hope and i think#having that time to examine and mull over and deconstruct is rly helpful tbh. and i would like to think#over the long term i can repair my creativity and cultivate a new outlet that doesnt leave me feeling empty if i cant draw as i used to#yaar#i feel like i dont write for very long tho thats the one thing that kinda blows#two pages maybe and ive only addressed two maybe three points if im being generous lol i get so bored with the actual motion#when my mind moves 10x as fast . and idc for audio logs either ykwim.#ohh tumblr how i love u . tag system like no other
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i'm begging my uni to stop making every fucking student social activity something where you have to walk around a bunch if you are a slow walker who cannot help it they literally want you dead
#i try to walk as fast as i humanly can. which i shouldn't bc it hurts and makes me dizzy. and i'm still slower than everyone else#last week we divided into groups and had to walk to checkpoints around the city to do tasks#i had a friend in my group who knows abt my issues and they walked slower with me which was nice. everyone else walked like 10 20 meters#ahead and it was fucking embarrassing bc for every checkpoint they had to wait for me#and i felt bad my friend couldn't talk to anyone else in the group bc they were zooming way ahead of us and i'm the one who couldn't keep up#and like. they didn't know my body's fucked. but these are people i do not know well at all and maybe i don't wanna disclose my medical#history to everyone i interact with#and like this event wasn't mandatory. i could've skipped it#but it's every fucking time#most nights we end up going to a bar and to these people “walking distance” is like a half an hour. and they walk fast#i can never keep up#i don't reallu enjoy bars either and i don't drink but you just kinda have to endure to socialize. some days i can't handle it tho#this week there's another checkpoint type activity. i know i shouldn't. i know i'm gonna slow everyone down#but i got specifically asked and invited to be a part of a team. i can't remember the last time that happened#also we're doing a group costume and mine includes platform heels on the streets of a very old city i am so cooked#my friend is nice tho. they know the basic lore and check up on me a bunch which always catches me off guard 😭#i'm used to pushing through and also used to people not really taking my shit into consideration so i don't know how to respond sometimes#2 people in the group know the issues and i just sent the gc a “sorry in advance i can't walk very fast” so like what else is there to do#only accessibility info we're ever given is if it's wheelchair accessible. and that's good. like you should do that. but it kinda ends there#like how much walking is there. where are the stops. are there places to sit.#i love having to either push through or be excluded disabilities are awesome#been in soooo much pain lately and have to take breaks walking uphill. functional body#i live in an area where everything. literally everything. is uphill one way or another. so as you can imagine it's going great#also “you have to endure to socialize” as if i don't end up hovering around my friend like a lost puppy with separation anxiety anyway#the group costume is winx club. btw
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ok so now i know what a butte is and i also know how it's pronounced but that still doesn't make the constant butte mentions any less funny
#am i becoming more of an ilw blog than a general choices blog?#dw i won't change my theme again i still love michelle#but dear god i just finished 3rd play and#i think i DO have a fave li after all...#or maybe it's just the dynamic he has with the specific mc i played as?#but either way i literally have so many screenshots of all the sweet things he says to them and#god im in love#he's so my type#still love abel and joss with my life tho#but why the fuck does abel have the possibility of dying every time i don't romance him#everyone else always has enough nerve to not get the possible death options#but abel never does???#he got separation anxiety or what
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Sometimes I wonder if certain fandoms are familiar with my work due to me self shipping with certain characters and how much that actually terrifies me.
#ANXIETY ACTING UP AGAIN SORRY#but fr tho I always feel like I’m embarrassing myself in front of other fans#like I’m that person who they all ‘😒 it’s her again’ type of thing#like I don’t mind fandom blogs following me but at the same time I wish I was more active with interacting with other fans#like I don’t want to bother folks either or have them think I don’t want to interact#I just get so nervous and scared#so I end up just keeping to myself but I want to interact so badly#ventish#maybe???#💬 chy chatter 💬
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Well hi!
I'm either remaking or revamping, not sure which yet. But I'm in general doing an overhaul of the blogs I want to keep and deleting those I'm done with for now - or the characters I only am writing specifically on discord.
I hope everyone has been well and staying safe. <3
#ooc#a lot has been going on whether it has been mental stuff or irl stuff that led me to just disappear for a while#and just lurk from time to time. some reasons valid and some were stupid. i've been writing on discord and other oc's elsewhere#cause my muse for my bbys has been dead and it has been frustrating#among other things zzz#but nestor came back gradually and naturally lenny i've been eyeing.#i've been just kind of hiding away and not happy about it. and also idk. i just have a weird anxiety sharing where i am at in terms of blog#or sites or what have you. it's silly and i've been working on it.#or maybe not silly because it has been an issue i've had to deal with for a long time now to figure out#either way tho. idk if this makes sense but hi. idk how reliable i am but i'm trying to be more than i've been
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going out of town so won't be here for the rest of the week but I've queued stuff as always so this is the periodic reminder that I basically queue everything and have not been able to successfully autotag my queue in years, so I'm not just ignoring you if you respond to something right after I post it, I'm just not there!
#anyway this announcement is for no one#but I dO feel bad whenever someone messages or sends me an ask about a particular thing and it's clearly in response to something#I jUST posted#and I don't respond for three days#I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them :(#can you tell I have an anxiety disorder lol#also I KNOW you'd think after 14 years on this website I would be able to autotag my queue#I think it's bc I run xkit on my personal/secret/fandom tumblr#and it has a hard time running on two different accounts on the same browser#tho tbf I have not been able to autotag my queue over on that blog either#who knows!#anyway#personal
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i really want a face mask (for masking in public) that says "Muzzled for your safety" or some shit like that
#might be too much to fit on a facemask but ive thought about this for weeks/months#or maybe the mask just says ''i 💙 my muzzle'' or something idk#1 cause iykyk & also a kinda fuck you to people who get offended at masks calling them ''muzzles''. maybe YOURE scared to be muzzled#me on the other hand#asjflkdsjadjs#i really do love wearing masks in public tho. you dont get to see my face lol#also tbh it actually really hepls my public anxiety and also makes me feel calmer in a way idk how to describe it#its like i put on my facemask to go into walmart n my brains like ''ok cool calm/quiet time!''#you know how thundervests help your dog feel more secure when its storming? my n95 is like that for me 💙#its not a germ thing either im not scared of getting sick tbh i just love them alot. cozy#emma rambles
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I caught myself looking like 😑 again at the grocery store today and I feel so awkward. I don’t want to come off as an asshole to anyone working there (it must suck as a job, especially during summer tourist season) but my face is just like this! I think it would be really funny if I got a custom t-shirt one day that just said “sorry, it’s (probably) not you. My face is just like this” with the 😑 emoji under it
#emma posts#when it doesn’t look like 😑 it looks like 😳#i just remembered today that part of the reason it’s like this was that in highschool if i looked like that my bullies got bored#was always switching between 😑 and 😳 and now those are just my defaults#the 😳 would probably be around regardless tho#it’s kinda funny how my teacher mom has strangers approach her regularly but my dad and I and maybe my brothers don’t get that#but my dad is 6ft with a 😑 expression most of the time in public#my brothers have different vibes but are also huge#youngest has got an awkward gentle giant energy#and middle kid has what I can only call a ‘more subtle bakugo rizz’ if that makes any sense#dude needs to take his meds like the rest of us#I really went from 😳 elementary to 😑 highschool expression wise#and one is anxiety and autism while the other is autism and defense against bullies#but now my face is just like that by default and it’s super awkward#I’m also self conscious about how i look while laughing#but that’s a mostly separate thing#mostly#non-human animals get the ☺️ expression though so they like my vibes better#I also try to be like that with kids. and I am a little internally. but I also panic about how the respond to them#I’d blame one specific younger cousin experience but I’m not totally sure#either way I look a little less 😑 to them but probably still a little 😳#kids with anxiety seem to like me though. we get each other’s vibes I guess 🤷♀️#but gods. I don’t want to look at cashiers like 😑 in the checkout but i keep doing it#and when i consciously try to stop i often look more like 😳#girl has no rizz if you’re not a cat#I react the same way to energetic dogs as I do most kids which is a bit weird tbh#I end up looking like a combination of 😳😐😬😦😅 when I try to talk to neighbors#my only advantage is that people think my jokes are funny. at least in person#and I can at least tell when someone is faking their smile response#if there are two things I can usually pick up on it’s nervousness and amusement
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mental health bad time to make it worse (reinstalling OW2)
I do not give a shid about playing well anymore im just trying to fall asleep.
im sure at some point I will delete it again
#let me explain. I need a mindless game to play that is more action than my regular chill games but doesn’t require a ton of precision#and OW has characters that don’t need perfect aim lol#it was either this or apex and apex is quiet literally a waste of time because you will be deleted by cheaters/smurfs/preds#and BRs have a lotta downtime#only to get killed in 2 seconds#at least in OW you’ll die like 3 times before it becomes obvious that there is no hope for this match#you get to play a little#i can’t play the game I actually want to play rn because im fuckin crazy and can’t do it because brain is stupid#getting anxiety over a single player game im normall immmnormallllll#I should be working on art rn I can’t tho (brain stupid)
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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im just gonna say HERE what i wanted to say in afternoon tea because i was thinking about it all week
i picked the topic for today (LGBTQ+ books) and my pick was This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel, which i only read fairly recently, and i loved. Its about a family - this woman called Rosie has a sister Poppy who dies when she's young, and when she grows up she wants to have a daughter so she can name her after her sister. She and her husband try all the old wives tales methods of conceiving girls but of course they end up with 5 boys. But at around five their youngest son Claude starts to see himself as the princess from the stories their dad tells them at night, and he starts wanting to be a princess when he grows up, and wearing dresses. Soon he says he wants to start going by Poppy. And the whole book is about this family navigating how best to make sure Poppy feels loved but is also safe once they've accepted that Poppy must be trusted with how she feels. I loved how it was a constant journey of having to understand Poppy and then make decisions that would do the least harm to her in the long term. Like at first she continues to go to school as Claude, but when one of Poppy's friends finds out and tells their parent, the parent threatens Poppy, so the family relocates. At the new school they're given the choice of enrolling Poppy either as Claude or Poppy, and this time its Claude that becomes the secret. But its a never ending road of decisions that both Poppy and her parents have to participate in, and i loved it because its a situation that i have no experience with, and i imagine must be very difficult as a parent! To love your child but not know what the right thing to do is. Rosie and her husband often disagreed about which decisions would be best for Poppy, but in the end would usually hand the decision over to Poppy and try to just manage it as best they could. It was really sweet and emotional and thoughtful, and always came back to the family home where Poppy was fully safe and there was no tension around what impact outside forces may have on Poppy's sense of self and security. Wish i could have said that to everybody!!
#i want my lungs to behave like the fully functioning organs they are when i'm speaking to a room full of people#it happened last time i picked a podcast topic too and i didn't express myself with any cohesion then either#it doesn't happen every single time i'm in that situation but it happens most of them#is it anxiety?#even tho i really wanted to do it#i need to look up if there are like breathing techniques i can do to bring my heart rate back to normal right before stuff like this#tp
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#aaaaaah I can't wait for tomorrow#actually i can#but like miserably#i still have to finish my term paper tho so 🥲#current plan is to be at the venue at 3 pm but tbh it's up to the db gods#the next time i will have more than 5 hours of sleep will be next thursday#alright wait let me start over again#so tomorrow i'm going to berlin for bc#on sunday i'm going to Leipzig and on Wednesday I have VIP for Munich but I have anxiety so I'll be 4 hrs early anyway#and because we're trying to save money (and failing) i only have a hostel for munich :)))#three cheers for sleeping in train stations at 3 in the morning i guess#what doesn't help is that the trams are currently on strike so i'll either have to walk or get a taxi to my apartment#which sucks#anyway and to top it all off i got a bout of the big sad recently so i haven't been able to work on my term paper#which i have to hand in next thursday at the latest#but i only have until today to work on it bc i'll be travelling around until... next thursday when i have to hand it in#this is bad#anyway but enough of that I'M SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING EVERYBODY AGAIN!!!!#and praying that they play red taillights live#that song has been living in my head rent free#as well as not your bro for some reason????
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This song feels like a big warm hug 🥺
#this is the 3rd time i've watched it im sobbing#I lost my dad two years ago.#throughout my life he was the one showing me songs. He loved playing music on his computer#he encouraged me to sing#he recorded videos of me singing (i still have one of those recordings)#He had a guitar but never had the time to teach me#He was always so proud of me when i sang even tho looking back i kinda was just off key but i didnt care because I enjoyed it#It's like he was my biggest fan#my best friend even#Unfortunately I had to watch his cancer worsen#And eventually watch his body slowly give up.. from the moment i got to his room and he was having a seizure of some sort#Til' he couldn't wake up anymore#I could still picture his feet turning purple in my head#I used to be so outgoing but since then everything just changed#i became introverted#i learned to distract myself but i never learned how to heal#i became aloof.. distant and somewhat closeted#i didn't want anyone else's company but my own#i've gone through anxiety and had a few attacks#but although i was different.. i didn't change either#people kept telling me i was so caring.. i could fit the whole world in my heart#i understand what people go through although i cannot relate sometimes#The pain is alike#i try my best to atleast help those people in pain#i stopped singing at parties and anywhere with karaoke in it#Because even though there are still people who support me.. it's not the same.#I didn't have my first best friend. My first biggest fan.#it's not like hes a perfect father either.. he has his issues.. but i've never smiled or laughed that hard with anyone else#i've grown so distant with people.. especially my mother#the way suzu declines her dad's offers.. i find some resemblance with myself
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