#a lot has been going on whether it has been mental stuff or irl stuff that led me to just disappear for a while

[blakhol]

Well hi!

I'm either remaking or revamping, not sure which yet. But I'm in general doing an overhaul of the blogs I want to keep and deleting those I'm done with for now - or the characters I only am writing specifically on discord.

I hope everyone has been well and staying safe. <3

[magpod-confessions]

I feel like the way some of the fandom treats Jon is unfair and tbh borderline ableist. It's not his fault that he got hooked on statements by Elias/Jonah, it's very clear that he was being manipulated into it from the beginning. And even once he starts having to take live statements, he doesn't want to have to! He canonically hates that he has to do that to people for sustenance, but that compulsion isn't within his control.

Like c'mon. It's very heavily implied that he becomes genuinely suicidal because of his self-loathing around this, and how the other people around him are treating him like a monster and demanding he "just control" something that he isn't actually able to. Which isn't to say that Basira/Melanie/Georgie/s5!Martin etc. don't have the right to feel that way/that their responses aren't understandable, but they still aren't fair to Jon.

Jon's existence such as it is might not be fair, because his presence does harm others unintentionally. But sometimes that's how things are, and it's equally if not more unfair for the others to act like he's just a monster who should be put down and is selfish for continuing to want to live and be healthy.

Honestly, it sort of feels like some of the fandom has ignored/forgotten that the situation Jon is in isn't unique to a horror story, and in fact has many parallels in real life (whether that be addiction, mental disorder/disability, trauma, etc.) and that to take the view of "well he should've just Not Done That Stuff, skill issue, anyways you can't blame the others for how they treated him" is not exactly going to make actual people who are/have been in situations like that feel welcome in fandom spaces.

🗣️ (but no pressure)

I yea. Agree! I feel you can definitely have a discussion abt how much control Jon has over his actions, but at the end of the day, Jon has been manipulated to hell and back. But I also feel that a lot of it comes from a place of 'If I was in his situation I wouldnt do that' which has some victim blaming undertones, but also hes a fictional character in a fictional setting, which definitely influences how ppl talk abt him. If someone irl talked abt being abused and manipulated, along with having their addiction/disability taken advantage of, even if that same person would go on and on abt how 'The persons actually fine and its my fault' ppl likely would be very kind and take the situation very srsly, which isnt the same kind of reaction ppl have towards Jon, due to him being a fictional character - rosette

yeah i. heavily agree with this too anon. im way too tired to put any true thought into this like rosette did but yeah. people really dont take jons situation serious, and this extends to other characters in the series as well. the fandom doesn't often think further about avatars past 'haha they have to serve a dread power and they cant do anything about it' . - deceit

[drdemonprince]

It wasn't the main topic of your most recent post on substack, so I'm sending this here. In passing you talk about left-leaning neurodivergent people on social media, and the guilt and fatigue that comes from the constant avalanche of causes and events being shared.

One thing that stands out to me is how much of what I see is people borrowing grief from the future. This is probably partially due to people wanting to show that they care about it. However I feel it's more than that, because underneath that there's something else. It feels very similar to the catastrophizing autistic people in particular can be prone to. You know, where you get so lost obsessing over a hypothetical possible outcome that you complete lose sight of all the things that have to happen for it to come to pass. Things that are often unlikely to begin with on their own, but combined even more so. And then this gets shared and fractally further catastrophized upon. All pulling grief from the future for things that may not even happen.

Seeing all that is so exhausting, as there's often little to no distinction between what's actually urgent in the here and now, and what's an emotional resonance cascade about what *might* happen (and any actual information to be able to judge it has been lost due to the game of Internet telephone, or was never there (ie. a twitter screengrab.) Sometimes disentangling that mess is possible, but it takes a lot of stress and energy, on top of the stress and energy seeing people upset about it in the first place.

My question is two-fold:

How do you (gently) tell people that what they're doing is counterproductive when just sharing anything without checking whether it's actually urgent, not misleading, not just spreading panic and needlessly borrowing grief from the future? Because with the exception of people you know *well* and even then, that feels like a fool's errand, even if you can avoid the toxic positivity vibes that people might get from you if you try.

Decide if social media is at all worth it. I personally don't follow "big" accounts, but even outside that it's all just so... the enjoyable and interesting parts where people talk about their stuff or share what they do or made feel like they're being snowed over by all the rest. I could quit it all, but that doesn't feel right. It's a tricky question because I feel the specter of the toxic positivity crowd sweeping anything difficult under the rug or disengaging to ~protect their mental~ looming over me. (Not to mention that all the IRL social events around me go through a dizzying array of social media sites, so complete disengagement isn't possible anyway.)

(Yes, I appreciate the irony of asking this on social media.) I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have on this.

Thanks for this all-too-relatable question, Anon! My thoughts:

How do you (gently) tell people that what they're doing is counterproductive when just sharing anything without checking whether it's actually urgent, not misleading, not just spreading panic and needlessly borrowing grief from the future? Because with the exception of people you know *well* and even then, that feels like a fool's errand, even if you can avoid the toxic positivity vibes that people might get from you if you try.

My answer is that you really don't. You can't convince someone to see the world your way or alter their behavior with your words. What you can do is take care of yourself and set an example with your behavior. By spending less time online digesting this bullshit, not involving yourself in petty,dissolve-on-your-tongue internet fights, not reacting when people send some dumb fuckshit to you, and surrounding yourself with more enriching sources of information and ways to connect, other people's online bullshit will bother you less, you'll see it less, and by virtue of contributing to it all less, you may slowly serve as a model for others who are looking to detach from it, too.

You can tell your close friends that you are spending less time online and trying to avoid alarmist bullshit, but not much good usually comes from engaging about it with anyone else. In fact, even posting a bad infographic in order to argue with it/disprove it only gives it more exposure, and some research on attitude change and persuasion finds that setting out to disprove a myth only leads to more people believing in it anyway. I did some laboratory studies on that back in the day. So I'd say it's usually better to just ignore/block/not read the BS.

2. (How do you) Decide if social media is at all worth it. I personally don't follow "big" accounts, but even outside that it's all just so… the enjoyable and interesting parts where people talk about their stuff or share what they do or made feel like they're being snowed over by all the rest. I could quit it all, but that doesn't feel right. It's a tricky question because I feel the specter of the toxic positivity crowd sweeping anything difficult under the rug or disengaging to ~protect their mental~ looming over me. (Not to mention that all the IRL social events around me go through a dizzying array of social media sites, so complete disengagement isn't possible anyway.)

I think my previous answer kind of alludes to the answer to this one. I find that I use social media less and less these days, because it does not help me professionally, socially, or emotionally very much at all. On the professional level, more social media usage does not translate to more readers or more interesting creative/collaborative opportunities. What does seem to pay off is speaking from true sincerity and passion, however often I am so moved, and then not engaging with bullshit in the aftermath of sharing it. So I post and ghost whenever I feel that I have something to say, never checking notifications/reactions/comments/etc for the most part.

Socially, social media use lately has been dismal for me. Seeing everyone's hot takes, bids for attention, trauma spirals, and petty fights makes me actively like humanity far less. And that's something I have already struggled with generally. I do not need to absorb every random person I've ever met's every random fleeting thought. It makes me socially anxious, far too worried about how people perceive me, and viciously judgement and hopeless myself. What social media IS useful for, socially, is finding events, as you've alluded to. So I do hop onto Instagram to check out my favorite party organizers, drag performers, mutual aid groups, trans beach day organizers, bars, etc to see what is going on. I don't do much beyond that these days.

Emotionally/psychologically, social media is stressful, alarmist, distracting, and occasionally informative and fun for me. Again your mileage may vary. My way of coping right now is to spend as little time on Instagram/Twitter/Facebook etc as possible, because very little of intellectual consequence happens there, and to selectively visit the specific tumblrs who put out posts that I like. I don't even scroll the feed. I have also replaced scrolling social media with reading Substacks and Medium articles and that has helped me a TON. I still get exposure to a wide array of humanity, including a lot of takes that I disagree with or find silly, but everything's a bit more measured and intentional and there's less fighting.

I do not know what will work for you, Anon, and I think for many of us this is an ongoing negotiation between competing needs. I consider saying fuck it and deleting everything pretty often. well, everything other than tumblr. I'm here to stay.

[themochiverse]

The Monster in the Dark | JJK

Banner credits go to the talented @gfxstdio

➳Pairing: yandere!sleep paralysisdemon!jjk X fem!Reader

➳Genre: Yandere, Angst, Horror

➳Warnings: Yandere themes, horror cuz its scary, sorta supernatural stuff happening? Sleep paralysis [like a ton of episodes], scary shit- Jungkook is a horrific menace, swearing, lots of whispering, unknown deep voices, creepy shadows, mental manipulation, NON-CON kissing, NON-CON touching (Nothing sexual happens), choking, suffocation, assumption of death, mentions of death, attempted murder, threats, medication (Sleeping pills), bruises, emotional breakdown, hallucinations & just monster stuff that monsters do during sleep paralysis 😶‍🌫️

**Note: Sleep Paralysis does not cause death, it's only temporary for a while and not permanent. I have researched beforehand so do not come at me if you think I have stated something wrong also bcz this shit has happened to me, so yeah.

➳Synopsis: Sleep paralysis is a common concern for everyone, but once your episodes start to become more frequent, you meet a horrid monster. A horrid monster who has only come for you to join him in his world. You can't run, you can't hide, but you can only watch whatever the hell is going to happen to you right now.

➳Word Count: 9.6k+

➳Disclaimer: This fanfic is purely from my imagination, I do not intend to harm any Idol or person in any way. Nor sexualising them. Please do not steal any ideas from here, this is all of my work and original work. I DO NOT CONDONE THIS BEHAVIOUR IRL.

The Monster in The Dark ©Copyright -2023- themochiverse

-All Rights Reserved

No part of the story can be copied, reproduced, redistributed or transformed into any other form. Meaning no photocopying, recording whether written or electrically. No methods are allowed that uses anything from this fic. This follows in the permitted Copyright Law. All images and videos go to their rightful owners.

A/N: This was sitting in my drafts for a while so here it is, finally. Also I met my demon 😬

A/N 2: Holy shit, this was so hard to write.

Permanent Tag-list: @minshookie29 @6tslovr @proflyndo @pinkcherrybombs @xanslii @papijiminfeed @justanotherstarlightmonger @kittykatfey @princess-sunshyn @jinniesjoon94

If you would like to be added, ask/join here!

“Shh, you know you can’t scream…”

You breathe laboriously, your muscles start to ache and the nippy air enveloping you makes you want to writhe in your bed. But you can't. Your limbs are frozen, and you are unable to move as if you're stuck in place. You can see your whole room, but you're skeptical about whether or not your eyes were open. Oh god, this was another episode. What was it now? The third time this week? 

You try to move a finger or two, but it felt like you were trapped. Your breathing is mute, even if you opened your mouth to utter a single word, it wouldn't come out. You needed to move, it felt so unnatural and dangerously ominous to feel this way. A true feeling of helplessness. 

Wake up

Wake up

You close your eyes, endlessly telling your mind to wake up. Lord no, you needed your body to be attentive, yet your mind was already aware of everything occurring. You had to try harder. You do everything in your ability to move one muscle, just to move one inch so you can be awake properly. 

Come on...

You're urging yourself to move any part of your body, whether it be your head, legs, or arms. You just needed to move something to get out of this horrid episode. 

Just before you’re able to move the tip of your fingers, you catch the sound of your bedroom door, it deliberately creaks open and a lanky, jet-black shadow stands there. It whispers things you can’t discern, and a ring fills your ear like a bomb that has been blasted, the silence crawls in your skin tenaciously, and your breathing gets abrupt. You can see the silhouette appearing closer, you can feel it. Then, with one last impulse, you’re able to move your fingers that soon form into a fist as you wake up.

You come around alive, and not paralysed. You unhurriedly, start to shift your hands and legs, and you feel relieved. You sit up, body angling to the bedroom door as your perpetual breath could be heeded. This was your first encounter of witnessing a shadow, not any ordinary shadow, a sleep paralysis shadow.

Though luckily it hadn’t come excessively close to you, it intimidated you. Its imminent figure just gawking you suffer in cessation was so unforgiving and memorable about how these merciless things were just here to give their victims a slight push to the edge. To let them know, that in the real world no one could stop them. No one.

You could hear the faded chirps of birds, your room was slightly dingy but some light eluded through the curtains, suggesting it was early morning.

As much as you would love to sleep more on a weekend, you decide to get ready for the day since you also had to attend a breakfast party, personally invited by your ex-best friend Seulgi. She had been nagging you all week to stay free just so you both could have some breakfast together. It wasn’t at her house though, it was at some café. It also wasn’t just so you guys ‘could have breakfast together’ it was to catch up after not seeing each other for a while.

When you go to the bathroom to get fresh and wear your clothes, Seulgi starts texting you to come over soon.

Seulgi 👑 8:37am

Hey Y/N, come soon, I’m already here.

You 8:38am

Yeah, I’m just getting ready, send me the address again? [seen]

Seulgi 👑 8:38 am

12 Burrow Street (Café Triton)

You 8:39 am

Thx, coming soon bae [seen]

You drop your phone onto your bed, your hands finding their way into your brushed hair. You can’t stop thinking about it, you can’t stop thinking about the shadow that was just there, gawking at you. It’s not real though, it’s just part of human imagination. Well, that’s what the experts say. Ignoring your repetitive thoughts, you grab your things and leave to meet Seulgi at the café.

The warm breeze unravels on your shoulders, the day nice and bright for any event. You drove by peaceful streets as the sun gushed its tenderness everywhere. You soon stop by the café Seulgi was at, eyes prowling for a parking spot. Damn, it was hella busy today, you reckoned.

As you were glimpsing for a spot, your thoughts lingered on Seulgi. You were best friends since freshmen year, having the heaviest bond any best friend would have. You both used to take it easy all the time, conversing past midnight, and sneaking out to parties. Gosh, those times were gorgeous, but as time flew your friendship promises were long gone, and the division of moving away to another whole country shattered your bond.

The impression of meeting her after so long carves you doubt the relationship you two have now. Your hands squeeze the steering wheel, knuckles turning white when you hesitate to turn around and go back home. Yet, it would be so insensitive and overwhelming to just leave like this.

“Fuck it,” you mumble as you turn the key to turn off the engine. Clutching your purse you slam the car door, making your way over to the café. When you strut towards the quiet shop, you instantly recognise the long, silky black hair.

Resting on top of her hair was a red beret, at first it looked like a cherry but a squashed one with its stem just sprouting out again. The accessory matched with her red coat, all buttons unbuttoned revealing her black checkered top. A black skirt hugged her legs, flimsy edges falling onto her knees.

Seulgi

There she was, reclining outside, absorbing the breeze that was dancing away. You stood there as still as a statue, interesting thoughts consumed that no non-living thing would have. You breathe in and out like you've run a marathon and just came last place. Honestly, you weren't much the athletic type.

Your heels clack against the wonky road when you cross, and once Seulgi obtains your attention, you wave at her like you waving at a small child who came running to you.

This was so stupid.

You come up to her foreseeing a hug, after all, it's been more than 4 years. But, the girl just sits there, expecting you to not be that friendly. You sit on your seat, hands clasped on your lap. Seulgi gapes at you, and you stare back. It's been 4 years since you've met face-to-face, and talking to her now? It felt awkwardly problematic.

She analyzed you up and down, and the insides of your stomach churned in a growling matter. You squint a bit out of irritation, but you weren't sure if it was for the pang or if you were ravenous.

The breeze whirled past your ear, whispers humming away in the wind. You sit upright, ready to strike it all to start the conversation.

"I-"

"I've missed you!" Seulgi exclaims, scooting closer to the coffee table. "You have no idea how right you were Y/N, I was such an idiot for leaving you!" The words slowly start to cure the hole in your heart, her words were medicine to you as they filled you up with infinite happiness.

She suddenly clasps your hands, squeezing them when she mutters the next words.

"Please forgive me, I should have never left a friend like you." Your eyes glistened with tears, the way she said it, with passion and honesty, you finally felt that your best friend was here. Even after all the unpromising events, Seulgi finally realised her mistakes, and she accepted her wrongdoing.

You went in to pull in a hug but that all shattered when a hand waved at your face.

"Y/N? Hello, are you even here?" The tone was what made you snap out of everything. Fuck, what the fuck were you doing?

The hand continues to wave at you when you stop it from moving any further. Seulgi snatches her hand away, exasperating a loud purposeful sigh.

“I was asking how you were?” Seulgi raises an eyebrow as she fixes her beret.

“Good, I’ve been good, you?”

“Better, actually,” she suppresses a smile before nodding her head gently.

“So how are things going at-”

“Shall we order first? I’ve been waiting for a while and I’m hungry.” Her cutting you off startled you a bit, but you complied.

“O-oh, yeah sure.” Her manicured nails grip the menu on the wooden table, her eyes skimming past numerous types of breakfast options. You do the same, looking for something light and enjoyable. Aha, two buttered croissants, a side of fresh strawberries and a cappuccino coffee sounded nice.

“Have you picked?” Seulgi questions, neatly putting the menu away.

“Yeah I have, how about you?”

“I decided the minute I touched the menu,” she sighs again, almost sounding annoyed. You nearly frown, but you hide it when she glances at you and calls for the waiter.

“I’ll pay by the way, I don’t want to hear it from you.”

“What do you mean? It’s been years Seulgi, at least let me do something.” Seulgi rolls her eyes in response, before turning to you again.

“Y/N, please don’t pay, let me do it.” She emphasised the ‘me’, her tone was like a volcano erupting. You scoff, moving closer to the table.

“Why? Is it because you think I can’t pay for the both of us?”

“Y/N, I thought we talked about this.”

“Seulgi, what is up with you? You decide to invite me for some breakfast after not seeing each other for more than four fucking years and you’re not willing to let me pay?”

“It’s not that, I just thought it would be better if I did it, and stop overreacting for god sake.”

“I’m not overreacting, you left me Seulgi, you practically left me to save your huge ass ego.” You nearly jump at her, people walking by side eye you both.

"Y/N, not here." She growls, avoiding the looks people were passing by.

“Y/N, you need to understand that I had to do it-“

“Here you go with the same excuse again, why did we even meet up in the first place?” And there goes the deafening silence, and you knew you hit the bell this time.

“Yes, you're right, why did we even meet when we both knew there wasn't going to be a happy ending?” The words rattle your heart and it felt like a mini earthquake was going on in there.

How could she just say that? How could she just expect everything to go normal after she left you during your most difficult time? When she knew everything beforehand, she just decided to leave you and move on with her own life. You didn’t even know back then that she had gone until her parents told you where she had went. It nearly broke your heart, like a nail being hammered repeatedly.

“You’re still taking those pills, aren’t you? That’s why you’re acting like this.” You momentarily freeze, eyes widening in shock and disbelief.

“What the fuck Seulgi? I stopped taking them fucking months ago.”

“Then why are you acting like this? Why-“

“Why are YOU acting as if everything was going to be normal when we met up?” Seulgi opens her mouth again but you don’t let her talk.

“You’re doing this to show your other friends, isn’t it? To show that you miss your dearest best friend and that you’re such a kind soul to be with.”

“Fuck, Seulgi I've seen your posts, you’re just doing this to show them, I'm not that stupid.” Your voice cracks when your own words hit you like a truck. This was really stupid. You get up to leave, not wanting Seulgi to see your warm tears trickle down your cheeks. The chair screeches when you prepare to walk away, a hand grasps your arm.

"Y/N, listen I am so so so sorry, but you have to believe me please. I swear it's not for them, I am sorry for leaving you, I am sorry for being so rude to you, I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be." The words shake your heart even further, it was too late, you can't accept the apology when she might just do the same thing again.

Should you? Or, should you not?

It was a risky decision, but was it going to be worth it? Was she just apologising because people were staring at the commotion? Or was it truly coming from her? The real Seulgi?

"I'm sorry." And with that said, you leave, her hand slipping away. You've taken so many decisions in life, but you never had thought of making this one.

You reach the parking lot, hands fumbling to find the keys. The door snaps and silence hits the air again, the replay of her apologising was giving you a headache. You were not prepared for god's sake, why did you come? The emotions start to pour out of nowhere, and your eyes start to become red, brimmed with water. Out of nowhere, you bite your fist, teeth digging into your skin leaving prints of faint, red marks.

You should have just gone back to bed.

"Shit, why did she even want to meet up if she was gonna behave like some stuck-up bitch?" The disgusted tone rolled off your sister's tongue, venom spitting out as she scrunched her eyebrows in anger. You were sitting on a stool, legs crossed in comfort as you murmured, "I don't know."

The abrupt argument with Seulgi lingered in your mind, and you had decided to drive to your sister's place. To knock it off and forget it ever even happened.

"What else did she say?" Your sister takes a seat across from you, sitting down to hear you out, to listen. Your brain processes the devastating event, finally ticking at the comment that made you fire up.

"The pills- she was talking about the pills." The gasp was almost silent but audible enough to hear it come from your sister's mouth. The shocked expression could relate though.

Months ago, after sleepless nights of doing work, late shifts, and too many 'outgoings' you were fed up with the tiredness your body was composing every day. No matter how hard you tried to shut your eyes, listening to music that did not help you sleep made you confused and frustrated. That was when you started taking sleeping pills. You heard a lot about them, how great they were when you were having restless nights.

When you bought it one night, it kicked in within thirty minutes and you were snoozing into a deep slumber you hadn't had for ages. You took a couple more for the following days and you've never felt better before.

Wrong. You were just simply wrong.

You've had sleep paralysis before, it was on rare occasions, however. It would happen to you at least once a month before you experienced another after more months passed by. But then, one night you did not take the pills, worrying it would affect your health if you over-dosed yourself.

You were concerned about this since a week ago, you were extremely tired at work all of a sudden, accidentally falling asleep during your working hours. Your boss had made an unnecessary commotion in front of everyone, and you were humiliated, and embarrassed. During that day, before the drama had risen, you were acting irrational and grumpy. Your mood jumped from side to side, like a character not being aware of themselves. That was why you had stopped taking them.

Though, during the starry night as grey clouds consumed the moon, the paralysis itself decided to try you out. In other words, to make you a paralysed human, to see during the frightening experience and see the after-effects.

You were prepared to sleep, shuffling on your bed to get a perfectly comfortable position. Surprisingly, after forty minutes or so, you fell asleep. You actually fell asleep. Two hours later, you suddenly wake up, eyes groggily getting used to your surroundings in the dark, only to be lit up by a night lamp. You had this sudden sick feeling, and then you really felt it.

At first, you thought it was a nightmare, and that you would simply wake up, but the twisted feeling in your gut proved it real. It was as if the shock had run through you and you were frozen out of fear. Out of exhaustion. Out of lack of sleep.

Of course, your friend sleep paralysis had come over to visit.

Normally, you would try anything to get you to possibly move, yet sometimes you would just close your eyes and wait for it to go away, knowing it would last for a couple of minutes. But for some reason, you were scared, it felt different to you somehow.

It was not numbness as people who hadn't experienced it before thought, it was like being stuck to cement and no one could help you. No one would hear your screams or cries, only your heavy breathing was the source of your being alive.

The feeling had disappeared within three minutes or so, and you were able to move in pleasure. But, that one episode, definitely felt much different than before.

"You should get some rest." Your sister said, grabbing the car keys that were on the kitchen counter.

"Gonna get some food, and I'll talk to you about it later." She accidentally gives a look of concern, waving the keys around in her hands before heading out. Once she left, you sat on the couch, propping yourself comfortably. You grabbed the tv-remote, flicking through the channels.

Nothing really interesting.

You let out an exasperated sigh, staying on a cartoon channel, displayed for younger kids. You lie down primarily, just watching and thinking, watching and.. thinking. Was there even anything better to do?

"I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be."

You squeeze yourself momentarily when you recall the words. It was a rollercoaster just meeting her. The girl who broke your heart, and now you did not know how to seal the crack and let it heal. Was it the right choice you made? Not accepting the apology, and waiting for the foreseeable future? There was a growing ache that travelled everywhere in your body, and it hurt so much that you closed your eyes and breathed.

Gosh, you weren't able to breathe freely today.

Your loud breaths were soon tranquil snores, and the atmosphere around you vanished.

You were at a café, sipping on some hot cocoa with pink and white marshmallows on top, whipped cream melting into the hot beverage. There were muffled sounds but it was quiet. Peaceful enough for you to fall asleep on the spot.

Cars were roving around but there was no sound except for the light breeze that sang melodiously your way. It was relaxing and soothing, and it was getting the best of you. A music note flew your way and a tune was playing not too far from you. A white glowing figure stood there, dancing slowly to the music as well.

You think of joining them, leaving the hot cocoa on the table, the soft marshmallows fading away in the drink. As you sauntered towards them, the tune was more rackety now, more audibly visible. You take small steps, registering them carefully as you approach the person. The glow on them, however, dwindles away. When they pivot, the words screech into your ears.

"I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be."

Your eyes shot open from the terrible dream you had. You realised the tv was still on, but there was no audio. Only the clock ticking every second was heard.

Oh fuck, it’s happening again.

Your mouth shapes an ‘o’ form as you try to speak out something. Anything. But frivolity comes out, your voice had been held up like from the Disney Movie, Little Mermaid. You were entirely attached in one position, head facing the awning as one of your arms droops off the settee. The curtains were drawn, no light escaping this time.

You hear footsteps shuffling, and what was that? A hum?

The footsteps approach closer, and closer, and closer...

Then it halts, and your breathing quickens. God knows what the hell was there, you couldn't even move to see what it was. Something tugs your hair and your heart skips a beat.

And when they show themselves above you try to let out a cry.

A deep giggle fills up the room, its fingers still weaved into your hair.

You’re shushed up quickly when the figure floats around you, analysing you up and down in awe. You gaze at the shadowy, blurry figure, making out its appearance. Black hair and deep black eyes, and its black silhouette. Your eyes widen in realization, the shadow. The figure crouches down to your eye level, its cold fingers tilting your head to the side to face him. Those doe black eyes just peering into your soul like black jewels glistening in the dark and charcoal hair sleek in one position. Smooth skin, and sharp eyebrows. It looked almost, entirely human.

“I'm not an object dear, I can hear your thoughts.” He whispers, head resting on one of his hands. “But I like how you're admiring my physical appearance in a way.” He grimaces, eyes gazing into yours. Holy fuck, this thing can listen to your thoughts?

He traces your face delicately, fingers grazing against your soft skin, your wish to flinch doesn't occur but it makes your heart beat faster within seconds.

The figure notices it, simply drifting away as he hums, “Don’t worry, I won't hurt you.” He won't hurt you, just yet.

"You know, it's a shame that you humans can't speak once we get a hold of you, but you can speak with your mind you know? It saddens me that I can't hear your pretty voice coming from your pretty mouth, but I'll at least be able to listen to your personal thoughts." He laughs again, almost sounding innocent but buried in deep evil.

You don't speak with your mind at all, instead, you close your eyes and tell yourself to wake up. It's just another episode, and now you've probably met your sleep demon. The demon realises what you were doing, his hand hovering above your head as he whispers words you can't comprehend.

You muster up all your strength to move but your eyes snap open when those same words echo in the room.

"I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be."

It repeats again.

"I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be."

But this time, it approaches even more piercingly.

"I am so sorry that I was not being the best friend I was meant to be."

It rings in your ear as a high pitch shrill vibrates, making you lose your mind. As much as you would love to squirm, shutting your eyes and telling yourself to wake up was almost impossible.

Please, stop! Stop it, please! You beg entirely through your mind, eyes looking at the hand that was on your head. He takes his hand away, the sharp shrill disappears and it was all silent again.

"Well, that wasn't so hard was it?" He walks towards the end of the couch, right where your feet were touching. His hands rest by your feet as he admires your feared figure.

Jungkook was loving this so much. He loved how your heart would quiver at his touch, the shaky breaths you took as he circled around you. He would love it even more once you were his.

Poor thing, you still didn't know his name, well, he'll tell you soon. Jungkook watches you trying to close your eyes again, doing those stupid things that were apparently supposed to help you out of an episode.

Honestly, humans were so funny to him.

But you were more of a delight.

"You know, nothing will get you out of this episode, as long as nothing interrupts us." His giggle comes out soft, as if it were bouncing on clouds in the sky, except it was light rainfall just pattering down.

This was entirely fucked up.

"You know, I'm kinda getting bored just staring at you like this." Jungkook drifts away, merely vanishing within a second, "I wanna hear your thoughts, so let's have some fun shall we?"

Wake up or panic?

You chose panic.

The room magically turns foggy, thick and misty. Your eyes scatter around the room, literally just to find the weird almost human looking demon. You hear the clock ticking again, dead silent.

"Boo." You don't know whether if your heart exploded into a million pieces or it jumped out of your chest because the next movements created a real frightening mood.

Your head is turned to face the pillows resting in front of you, and warm fingers graze against the skin of your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, and then soon to your neck. They rest there for a couple of seconds before giving a light squeeze, and Jungkook hums out of satisfaction.

A hot whisper thrums in your ear, "I want you to listen what I'm going to say to you Y/N, focus carefully."

You could hear his next words, this time your heart thumping out of your chest, "Feel my hands touching your collarbone, just gliding my fingers across your gorgeous skin."

"Feel how they move down to your chest, to your arms, to your stomach."

"I want you to feel how my hands smooth across your legs, up and down in motion, slowly."

"And watch how my hands grab at your neck, tightly." Jungook's hands practically fly towards your neck, as he uses this opportunity to turn you to him, his eyes trail your pale face, happy that you were on the verge of tears.

Satisfaction.

"Do they feel nice around your neck? Tight enough to get no breath out of you?" His fingers dig into your neck, red imprints arising from the pain. Blood rushes, and your head starts to pound. You can feel your heart beating faster and faster, your lungs trying to give out as much as oxygen it can. You can't move, you can't fight him at all.

"You see human, you're very weak in this state, so alone and afraid, pathetic."

None of this is real, it can't be.

"Tell me now, is it your desire to wish that the 'little disturbance' you're experiencing right now not real?" His laugh ruptures through the room, his eyes turning dark when his grasp on you gets immense.

"I'll prove to you what's real or not."

A large crash bounces off the corner of your ear, followed by a loud slam. You awake, muscles and fingers, your entire body finally able to move. You roll off the couch, breathing.

That fucker is gone.

"Y/N?" You look to find your sister at the door, a confused expression all over her face. She held up a bag that smelt of fresh food and you get up, pretending that you just fell by accident.

"Aren't we gonna eat?" You question her as you stroll to the dining table.

"Holy fuck, Y/N, what the fuck happened to you?"

Your sister practically drops the food on the table and rushes towards you, her hands carefully touching your neck.

You hiss in pain. Pain?

Your eyes widen in realisation as you run to the bathroom, the mirror reflecting and revealing the bright red marks left on your neck. Those hands that had been wrapped around your neck left light bruises, and tiny, not too deep cuts were everywhere.

Every time, a light feathery touch to your neck was felt, all you could do was wince in agony.

"I'll prove to you what's real or not."

This truly cannot be real, if you cannot comprehend it in your mind then surely, it is not true. You know what? You're probably having those dream loops right now. You're just dreaming, in another dream in which you had faced another terrible dream.

"Y/N, what the hell?!" Your sister yells from afar, and you almost jump at her voice.

"What?" You question, leaving the bathroom, you find her staggered as she pointed at something to the ground.

"Did you do this to yourself, Y/N?"

"Do what?"

"Did you seriously shatter my vase, and fucking cut yourself?"

Your eyes squint, and your eyebrows scrunch in incredulity, how could she blame you like that?

"Listen, I did not do it. I don't fucking know how the vase br-"

The crash. No way...

"Yeah, as if it totally just fell by itself." Your sister shoves past you, snatching a broom to clean up the mess. While the glass clinks against each other, your sister sighs.

"Look...Y/N, I know things haven't been going great for you lately, but you shouldn't use these situations as an excuse to hurt yourself." She says the last words softly, grunting as she stood up.

"I didn't cut myself, I swear, it was just-" You hesitate momentarily, she would not believe you now, would she?

"Just what?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Hit me up."

"It's just that, I- you know how I get those sleep paralysis episodes? I had one early today morning, and I saw a shadow standing at my bedroom door, that fucking creeped me out and now, I encountered my demon, Y/S/N, it was choking me."

The sigh that comes from her mouth explains it all.

“Y/N, we know they're not real, it’s just a hallucination.”

“It’s real! The fucking thing broke your vase, and it was strangling me so fucking hard that its fucking nails did this.” You point at your neck frustratingly, but honestly who would believe you?

“We should eat.” That is what your sister replies, disappearing into the kitchen. Your shoulders droop as you slump on the couch, pain inching further and further when you move your neck a little. You had no energy to argue with her, everyone knows that the scenarios you witness in sleep paralysis are not real.

But you knew this one was.

After a little convincing to stay over the night, you quickly drove back to your home, grabbing some clothes and your toothbrush. There was no message left from Seulgi, after the chaotic public arguing. Looks like you did make the right decision.

You re-counter the horrifying nightmare you had faced, the human-looking creature who was nearly about to kill you triggered your brain of the thought. You felt so weak, so desperate for help that all your focus to somehow manage to get out of the episode fell onto being alive… and not supposedly dead.

The marks that were scathed on your neck were now small bruises, pampered all over. Your sister had treated it, but every time you tried to mention the episode, she would ignore you and change the topic for both of your sakes. It made you feel stupid and delusional. Even if you had gone to see a doctor they would repeat the usual things.

Fix your sleep schedule

Try to regularly get 6 to 8 hours of sleep a day

Get regular exercise

And so on.

Dusk hits, and the night starts to settle in. Grey clouds block the crescent moon which hung at the sky, as you enter your sister's home. You stroll around the kitchen only to find a sticky note stuck to the fridge.

Dinner is in the fridge, gone to get some work stuff.

Time starts to pass as you do things that wouldn't make you bored.

You were scrolling through your phone, reading articles of mysteries and wonder but your eyes fall upon the big, bold, capitalised letters presenting: 'HOW I RECOVERED FROM SLEEP PARALYSIS'

Instantly interested you click on the article and start reading it. You were looking for some tips and ideas, just in case it happened to you again.

'First tip as usual: Don't sleep on your back in a straight position'

'...I had sleep paralysis before but it started to become frequent over the past few weeks.'

'...I knew there was sleep paralysis demons but I never interfered with one.'

'...And then it was there, a creepy lookin' shadow that just peeked through the doors of my wardrobe.'

'...I wasn't havin' sleep paralysis that night but I thought I was dreamin' but my cat was with me, and he started hissin' at the wardrobe.'

'...This thing had red eyes, and long scaly fingers that were at least 10 centimeters.'

'...It used to whisper stuff I couldn't understand, but it always said its name: Cybil.'

'...I didn't do the hippy stuff at the beginning but then I thought of following them, you know? So I started to exercise, fixin' my sleep schedule and basically made it a routine.'

'... And it was a miracle because it stopped comin'. I had no demons snickerin' and scarin' the sh** out of me now. I tell you to follow this hippy stuff because it actually worked.'

You shudder at the feeling knowing such a unreal creature could torture a human so much in their sleep. But it was the same thing over and over again. You start to remember the cold fingers that landed on your neck, the charming devil that was smiling all the way while you were on the verge of death.

You shook yourself vigorously and drew out a heavy breath. Anxiety started to creep in and you were suddenly aware of your surroundings. A vile feeling in your stomach was created and you couldn't help but wonder if that thing was watching you right now.

Would it stare at you if you were sleeping?

Planning to do something to you again?

Or was it just here to make your life a living hell?

Most importantly, could it kill you?

You hugged your knees, the caps hitting your chest as you rocked gently and started humming to yourself. You prayed that the paralysis wouldn't happen tonight, especially after having such a horrific encounter with him.

Jungkook sat in his own little space, black shadows whispering all around him, ghastly words that could send a shiver down your spine. The invisible force that held the others back made them shriek with each hit they took to break it down.

"What is he doing?!" They hissed, anger fumed in their corrupted souls, evil leaking with each word they spoke. Their misdeeds were the only thing that kept them alive.

"He's hogging the room." One said, their faint long nails stained the invisible force, all of them slowly calming down.

"Why?"

"What else do you think? He's doing it for a mere h-human." The shadow's voice drew out deep, sounding disgusted with the term. The rest gagged at the intention Jungkook displayed.

"Our energy is getting wasted, we're hungry, let us in you fucking dog!"

The force vanished, and all of the dark demons whirled at Jungkook, but something had stopped them. Jungkook stood as his hand glowed a black aura, it sparkled with sin. Their eyes grew wide, hunger devouring their wicked souls.

Oh god, Jungkook loved toying with them. He loved it.

"Look at you miserable demons, hungry hustlers ready to enjoy fear?" The aura grew even bigger in his hands as the demons' eyes turned pure black, their whispers chanting for food.

"Go get it."

The aura flew into the air and, all of the shadows cried for it as they ran. They bit, scram, swore, and yelled (even causing fixable injuries), desperate for the fear they were wishing to taste.

Jungkook chuckled as his eyes followed the drawn circle in front of him. It was as clear as night, (well in his saying), you slept so peacefully. He could hear your tranquil snores and your tired mind. The fear that was stuck to you was strong, incredibly strong for him to not hold back.

He thought he would feel bad after your first meeting with him went wrong. No, actually right. Because Jungkook didn't feel bad at all, but more excited. He chose the perfect person to coquet around with, to suck in some distress here and there. He found you.

When his hands touched your skin, it ignited a fire within him. Something he hadn't felt in a while. It was a sign that you were the one, the one for him. The reminder of his shadow watching you from your bedroom doorway, and your little panicked breaths made him smile.

You looked so adorable while being scared.

Every time your heartbeat raced, his did too. He would inhale your intoxicating scent, which drove him mad as he was anguished to devour some of your fear.

Exhilaration got to the best of him, and he swore he could never get tired of the fear that you released. He was blessed to frighten you, oh what luck he had in his hands. Jungkook never meant to go overboard last night, but how could he control it?

"Jungkook..."

His eyes snapped to him, black irises filled once again.

"What?"

The demon in front of him licked his black sinned lips clean, some of the aurae still dripping down his chin. He smiled wickedly before proceeding to speak.

"You don't mind sharing do you?" He looks over Jungkook, glee spread across his face.

"Fuck off."

"Yes? The last time I checked, you were the one who made the rule to share amongst our.. friends."

"Cybil, you're getting on my nerves lately, I suggest you to attend your duties."

"Or what? Are you afraid I'm going to scare the shit out of that thing?"

Jungkook growled, his shadow growing with the aura he brought upon.

"I can fucking banish you to the low-level demons, the ones with broken souls and mourning's everyday. Is that what you want Cybil? If it isn't enough for you I can make sure everyone can enjoy their next course meal."

This time Cybil's shadow fattened, as Jungkook's aura started to intimidate him. He spins around, muttering words he would soon regret.

"He should be banished, unwanted, filthy hellhound."

With the snap of his fingers, all of the demons' attention was directed to Cybil. Silence creeps up as all of them peer at him with greedy stares.

"Eat him."

If people who sang high notes could break glass, then the shriek coming from Cybil was a note that would never exist in the real world. The demons sank their teeth into Cybil, biting off his existence. His cries of pain and fear, mixed, drove into the air, while others were shamelessly sucking away.

Jungkook drawled back his attention to you. Tonight, he was going to let you go. But of course, he would come again soon.

Jungkook shook his head as a fear bubble sprouted in front of him. He could hear Cybil's protests, his useless begging. Happily, he quaffs the last bit away. He scoffs at the bitter taste and a deranged smile popped onto his face.

"Filthy hellhound."

It was as if you had faced a miracle.

A restful night and the alarm clock ringing indicated the long hours you had slept so quiescently. You heard how the occurrence of 'sleep demons' usually only comes once or twice, nothing of them too frequent.

The bruises on your neck were now less visible and looked completely normal whenever you moved your neck at a certain angle. Your prayer had been answered and you smiled so wide that your cheeks hurt. You get up to freshen up and meet your sister along the way.

"Hey, got a good sleep?" She asks.

"Yeah, probably the best one yet." You exaggerate as you go to the bathroom.

Goodness, you really were absurd thinking about how these hallucinations could be so real. Now that you hadn't had any demon coming over it made things better for you.

You were waiting for your sister to arrive while you sat on the dining chair, munching on some cereal. She strolls past you and sits on the opposite seat. A sudden hesitant question pops into her mind as she shuffles in her seat uncomfortably.

"Um, Y/N?"

"Yeah?"

"Uh, how long are you going to stay here?"

You look at her and grin, "I was just hoping today will be the last, if that’s okay?"

"It’s just that I have a business trip to go on tomorrow morning and I won't be here.”

You drop your spoon and the action spilled some milk on the table.

“Oh, when are you going to leave?”

“Early, like eight am?”

“That shouldn't be a problem then, I'll just leave at the same time then."

Your sister nods her head and starts eating her breakfast as well.

You hold your spoon, thinking that maybe you've actually stayed for quite a while, so you ask her.

"Listen, I-I hope I'm not burdening you or anything, you know? Especially after what happened with Seulgi, you're like the only person I have left to be with."

Your sister smiles and she gently puts her hand on top of yours.

"You're not a burden to me Y/N, you're my sister and.. sisters always stick together."

You smile back and continue the morning with laughter and joy.

With a groan, you unkink your back whilst plopping down the suitcase you brought next to your bed. The clock ticks and you just unexpectedly sit in silence. Thoughts consume your mind, like how you were going to go back to your normal life now. Doing your 9-5 shifts, coming home tardily, eating microwaved food- it was just the day-to-day routine.

Your eyes snap to the alarm clock posing on the bedside table, red numbers flickering 00:00. With tired hands you put an alarm on to wake you up in the morning. You sigh in response as you lift yourself onto the bed, pulling the blankets up to your neck as you curl into sleep like a small kitten.

It's dark and quiet, and the lights are out. No late movie nights, no pestering animals, and especially no awake humans.

A soulless noise vibrates from Jungkook’s throat as cold, icy breaths sail into the spacious room. He gapes at the room and does a bit of exploring like looking at the drawers, the windows and of course, under your bed.

He stares at your still, peaceful figure. He can't help but gawk at you in awe, his hands anticipating touching you and feeling your warm skin. He couldn't wait any longer. He had to take you home. He hurriedly backs away from you as he slowly crouches at the foot of your bed, his irises turning pitch black as his hands waver a heavy black haze. His feet float a couple of inches from the floor as he hovers above you and speaks in a deep, startling voice.

But you can't hear it.

You're not in his world, yet.

The mist spreads from his hands, leaving a trail over your sleeping body. It clings to your legs and feet, and your arms but Jungkook stops at your neck.

He reminisces about the moment when he first tried to kill you, how his inhumane fingers attached themselves to your pretty neck and he just wanted to feel your blood pulse through all that pressure. How your fear was nurturing him, providing him with a longer chance of living. You are his. And he's thought everything through, just to get to you, to have you and cherish you forever. You’re his favourite human.

However, today he wanted to hear your voice. It was an unforeseen idea, a rule that mustn’t be broken.

But Jungkook didn't care, he wouldn't get banished or eaten alive. Maybe get a warning at first but by then things will already be smooth when you're there. Just as he was about to snap his fingers, you yank your head roughly in your sleep. Jungkook quickly hides in a corner, stunned by the action at first. He then realises what you were doing.

You kept moving your head back and forth because you felt it. You felt the invisible strings that were consuming your body and you wanted to let go of them. You get up without a word and happen to roll to the other side of the bed. And soon again you're in peace.

Jungkook comes out of his spot, ready to snap his fingers again as he watches the dull mist sink into your gorgeous skin. Jungkook then disappears and watches you from afar, just waiting for you to jolt in your sleep and realise the nightmare that was reliving again.

Time went by and Jungkook was starting to become impatient. He had a choice to go rough and just physically shake you but that would be no fun. He has to take his time with you. He wants it to be a night that will be glued to your memories, something that he would also be fond of.

And then he senses it.

He sees it.

Your eyes snap wide open and the distressed feeling in your gut turns sour and gives your heart a good punch.

You feel that sick feeling again. Your body felt like it was just glued and stuck in cement, or like a dozen chains that were wrapped around you giving you no space to breathe. A feeling of helplessness. You closed your eyes and mentally pushed your body to move. But for some reason tonight, it was impossibly hard. You hated this sensation, a spectacle of fear and anxiety mixed drove you mad.

Is he here? You abruptly pondered.

“He’s here.”

Your eyes visibly shake when you see his tall figure, alluring doe eyes that aren't callow and his face as a mask of an angel but a devil in disguise.

“There’s no need for you to be scared of me, after all, I do apologise for what happened last time.” Jungkook roams around your room as you watch him through your eyes.

Is he truly sorry?

Never, what he did wasn't wrong. It was just part of his nature, surely you would understand that soon.

“I won't play to scare you this time, I promise.” His face is extremely close to yours, and you could feel his chilly breath on your neck. He caresses your face and gives you a small smile.

“You can talk you know? I just really wanted to hear your vocals, I wondered how it would sound like.”

You pry your mouth open and the first word is so croaked that you almost cough.

You had no idea what to say to this strange thing, all you wanted was to get out of another horrible episode and just go home.

The atmosphere screams awkwardness to you, but to Jungkook it was all fear. Just bits and pieces that go straight to him.

You finally manage to say a couple of words,

“What do you want from me?” You whisper, eyes trailing over the demon.

“To take you with me, to my home where we can be happy together. A place where you won't be alone.”

You're shocked, too shocked to even process whatever the hell you were hearing right now.

“And today I'm going to take you and you won't have to stay in your horrible world anymore with your horrible sister and friends.”

You suddenly snap, anger just surging through you. You're just tired, tired of everything that has been happening to you all you wanted was a good night's sleep, nothing more than that.

“Shut up! You’re not real. You're just a sick fucking nightmare and I'm stuck with a thing like you, you fucking son of a bitch just leave me alone!”

You expected to wake up and slap yourself for having such episodes but you didn't. You were still here with him.

The atmosphere becomes too quiet, so quiet that you bet you could hear a pin drop from the other side of the house.

Jungkook continues to stare at you as his eyes narrow a bit. You just added fuel to fire.

“First of all, I'm not a thing, my name is Jungkook. Maybe letting you speak was a mistake but I must say your voice is exhilarating to listen to.”

His mood shifts in a millisecond and then something just so sinister crawls out of his mouth.

“Do you know how I'm going to take you Y/N? Do you still remember how we did our first unjust encounter?”

Him choking you...

“I'm going to ruin the surprise but I'm going to do the same thing to you today. And then you'll be with me forever.”

“No...” You choke out, “stop, just stop and leave me alone...this isn't real, none of it is and you aren't that's for sure.”

“Oh really, Y/N? Do I have to prove to you again that I'm real?” His voice drops octaves lower and it frightens you.

You needed to get out desperately, this was completely deranged. But how? Your sister is asleep and this time Jungkook probably won't break another vase on purpose. Then what could help you?

You suddenly remember Jungkook’s words: “...nothing will get you out of this episode, as long as nothing interrupts us.”

An interruption.

Something that could possibly wake you up as an advantage for this demon to leave you alone. Maybe something loud and a bit heavy or-

The alarm clock. You had set up the alarm clock to wake you at 6 so you would have a heads-up on the time.

Your eyes shoot to the clock and the screen flickers from 5:58 to 5:59 now. Just one more minute and you would be able to get out of another sick interlude.

You don't notice but Jungkook follows your eyes and realises the way they enlarge as if you had a bit of hope left. Because you did have hope.

It doesn't take long for him to grasp your thoughts and all the planning that was whirring the cogs in your sleep- deprived brain. Jungkook titters at you when he calls out to you.

"Oh Y/N, my love, I hope you know whatever you're planning in that little head of yours is not going to work." Your eyes keep scanning between the clock and him.

"Because I know that your final minute is precious to you, but it is precious to me as well."

Jungkook emits a long, audible breath when all your focus is buried on the clock.

"I really wanted to take my time with you Y/N, I really did. But I guess with just a minute to spare-" Jungkook's hands creep toward under your head and you could feel the frigid skin against yours, "I need to kill you."

His hands grip the pillow next to you and a hard smack lands on your face. You can't move your head, your neck, your arms or your legs. You can't move. How can one be any more helpless than this?

You softly shriek and begin to bear the softness of the pillow suffocating you. The breaths you gasp out and swallow become harder to manage, and your body begins to feel hot. The pillow becomes heavier and the demon who's doing this just smiles in glee, black irises and black shadow overpowering your condemned soul.

“Shh…you know you can’t scream.” Your mouth shuts instantly and all you could do was muffle.

You start to detect spots in your vision, your breathing slowing down whilst all the blood that's rushing to you gives Jungkook more of a thrill.

You were soon going to be his.

You were going to belong to him forever.

You're counting on the last seconds of the clock, just hoping it would ring any second now. Every breath you take takes a second away, and you're just praying that something will wake you up right now.

...3

...2

...1

The spots invade your vision, your breathing stops and your eyes lay open with no life left in them.

You heave out aggressively, immediately scrambling away from the bed. You slowly touch your face, fingertips shaking from the experience you just interfered with.

Oh god, it was over. It wasn't real, it was just another episode. You're alive, and you're not with him. You jump out of excitement and relief ready to go to your sister and tell her you were feeling much better.

But she beats you to it.

You weren't aware when your sister walked into your bedroom. She was already dressed in her black suit and white shirt, with her hair up in a neat bun.

"Hey." You hear her voice and turn around to find her sitting on your bed just staring at your pillows.

Silly her, she probably didn't notice you standing in the corner of the bedroom.

"Listen Y/N, first of all I know you're awake," she smiles "but I wanted to apologise to you."

You frown at the comment, and you frown when she still doesn't pay attention to you standing right next to her.

"Hello, I'm right here. Who are you talking to?" You question her, hands waving right at her face. But your sister doesn't move her head to see you, she just continues looking at your empty bed.

"I'm sorry for not talking about what happened with Seulgi, I know so much has happened to you and I feel so guilty for not reassuring you or anything. I was completely wrapped up in my own work that I forgot about you, your situation and the life you were leading."

You instantly smile when she said that, and your heart is finally filled with contentment. Her hands touch something that you don't see, so you rub your eyes and you suddenly feel sick. Your heartbeat races like a runner that you almost drop to the floor.

There on your bed was you.

You were lying down on your bed with a pillow on your face, the blanket all crumpled white your sister rested her hand on your shoulder.

"Um, Y/N, you okay?" Your sister queries as her hands start to push off the pillow.

"Y/N? Hello? Oh my goodness are you-"

She touches your skin, checks your pulse and she felt the unseen frostbites that were stuck on your skin.

You stood frozen when a bloodcurdling scream erupted from your sister's throat, her eyes already stung with tears and her yells were becoming more desperate and louder.

Her voice started to become hoarse and dry, she needed water, but she whimpered and wept next to you, her hands shaking and fiddling with her suit pocket to bring out a phone but it drops to the floor and she does too.

You've never seen your sister like this, never.

You start to feel the wet tears glistening on your cheek and your surroundings turn dull and grey. It becomes incredibly dark but you could still make out your poor sister trembling as she stared at your dead body.

"No..." you whispered to yourself, "n-no, this can't be happening."

This had to be another nightmare, something unforgivable to make you see a distraught scene. You spin around and your eyes jump out of your sockets.

There he was. Standing tall and proud with a stupid smirk on his face as he watched you cry so beautifully. You shook and started to back away from this monster who had tormented you so much.

He crept up to you and your back hit the wall, and your sister and your dead body were no longer here. Instead, you saw a dark room with a silver glow on top of you. Hundreds, no, more like thousands of sleep paralysis demons were whispering and growling as they looked down at you.

You weren't home.

You were dead.

You were with him in his world.

Jungkook stood impossibly close to you and you just wanted to shrink into a little ball and get out of this place.

His hands grasped your chin and his eyes turned yet black again, simply purring as he spoke.

"I told you I would bring you home love."

You stared at the clear ceiling again, peeking at the disgusting creatures. You wondered how many people were disturbed because of them, because of the torments they brought upon their toys.

You trembled under Jungkook’s touch and your will to push him or even fight him withered away. And so you shut your eyes when you felt Jungkook's cold lips on yours.

He finally got you just like how he said and wanted. He hears your thoughts and Jungkook wasn’t going to lie but he does agree with you. He's a monster and so are the others above the both of you, after all, in the end, no matter how cruel or kind, they are monsters in the dark.

[mymistakewriting]

Just some more SalTommy thoughts

So the boys have been in my head pretty consistently, I've just been having a shit go of things irl so I haven't been able to pause to share any thoughts until now. Please enjoy.

Sal and Tommy are listed as each other's emergency contacts both through the department and on medical release forms. While Sal does have other people on his ICE list, Tommy doesn't. If Tommy's in the hospital, Sal's the only one getting a call. He never fails to show up.

These boys traded clothes a lot. It was always sweatshirts of Tommy's that went missing because Tommy was smaller than Sal back then, but Tommy ended up with t-shirts and Sal's famous beige jacket that he still has years later.

I fully believe that Tommy is the designated driver friend between the two of them. That said, Sal has come to pick Tommy up from a bar at last call when he was near-black out drunk. They never talked about what made Tommy drink so much and drink alone.

Sal's got a key to Tommy's place and vice versa. Sal doesn't call before he drops by, Tommy does. It irritates Sal to no end that Tommy won't listen when he tells him that he's always welcome no matter what's happening.

You square up to one of these boys, you'll end up fighting them both. They're protective over one another for damn sure - think Casey and Severide from Chicago Fire: you insult one, you've insulted them both and you better hope someone steps in because the first punch WILL put you on the ground. Tommy gives a verbal warning before he punches. Sal does not.

They're the "final test" for each other where partners are concerned. For Sal, it's family, team, Tommy. For Tommy, it's team, then Sal.

Sal is one of the few people Tommy still cooks for whenever he asks. He's on a very short list since Gerrard's time as Captain saw cooking used as a punishment.

I am entirely convinced Tommy had a crush on Sal. Whether or not he acted on it? I ping pong a bit on it.

Sal was the first person Tommy came out to. Similarly, Tommy is the only one who's ever seen Sal check out a man's ass while they're out in the city. Sal might not label himself but by God, no one is convinced that man is totally straight.

Sal keeps a list pinned in his phone's notes of things for bad mental health days for Tommy. He also keeps the stuff for a care package on hand just in case it's needed. Said care package includes a few tea bags of a tea he knows Tommy likes, some snacks, a pack of cheap cigarettes and one of the cheap-ass maypop lighters, and a DVD of whatever stupid romcom he could find that he thought Tommy would like but hasn't seen a million times.

Speaking of: Tommy definitely smokes as a stress relief. Man's a firefighter AND a former army pilot, there's no way that habit hasn't snuck in. Sal found out because he stumbled on Tommy with a cigarette in his mouth. It's a well-kept secret, but one that Sal relies on for bad days.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

just an update?

Hello my maggots, Asmi here. I'm really sorry that I haven't replied to a lot of the stuff I've been tagged in/reblogs/DMs, it has been a... chaotic two days. I promise I'll get to them soon, as soon as my mind calms down a bit (to its ordinary level of chaos, I mean).

In an update on the 10khaos, for those who haven't heard, my hair is indeed now Crowley red, the Discord server is made (and currently broiling in utter madness, the Youtube channel has also been made and I have an idea for the first video, and I will soon set forth and adopt the Crowley, Aziraphale and Adam plants.

So as for the irl mind stuff, it's basically that the red hair brought up the question of whether or not I'd be able to go through with college, design school starts in May-ish.

(um mild tw for bullying and a mention of transphobia, skip the next two paragraphs if that is a trigger for you)

I've been in college before, that was design too, for three months. And I had to drop out because I was being isolated and bullied by everyone there including the dean, as well as a lot of transphobia and discrimination on the basis of mental health issues.

Soooo... yeah. There's also the fact that the new college will be far more conservative and I live in India and it's all really a shit of a mess. So my mum asked me to think about whether I wanted to do distance learning instead, since I already am a designer and have done projects.

It's a lot to think about. And my head is being all messy, ya know how it is. If any of you have advice or experience with distance learning, that would be amazing, actually.

(Also my family were kind of really mean about my Crowley hair)

(Oh well)

(I love it and I have you amazing maggots so)

Anyway yes I just wanted to say what was going on so that you know why if I don't respond immediately to things going on :") And if you want to interact with the other maggots, the Discord server is always there, links get messed up on posts but I'm sure @arkytiorlecter or @howmanyholesinswisscheese will send you the invite link if you need it. It's in one of my posts, but things do tend to get lost on my blog, don't they?

No matter what I want you all to know that you are so, so loved, you are more than enough just by existing and being your beautiful selves, and you have made my life immeasurably better. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I love you I love you I love you maggots. I promise I'll go through the notes soon and cause chaos :") So beware. It just might take a day or two for me to get back to my usual frequency of chronical onlineness (which is my happy place muehuehue).

Have a wonderful day, and remember to eat and sleep and hydrate and take meds if you need to.

All my maggoty princely love for you, Asmi

[strawberryraviegutz]

I feel like this needs to be said but..Am I the only one getting annoyed with the “Ame Chan is a bad person/problematic” discourse?? I’m not just talking about the ppl who’ve been complaining about her character saying they “didn’t realize how awful she was”. I’m also talking about ppl being like “lmao yall clearly didn’t play the game of course she’s a horrible person you’re just now realizing that??”

You don’t necessarily have to play a game to be a fan of it. It’s pretty common for ppl to watch gameplay videos or videos covering the story of/analyzing games and characters if they can’t or don’t wanna play it. Second I dont think we should just look at Ame through a black and white lense. Ame’s not a horrible person but she’s not necessarily good either. She’s a very VERY flawed person who struggles with mental health issues and addiction and makes rlly bad decisions and says rlly mean/bad things.

But that’s like…literally everyone on earth. Everyone has flaws especially mentally ill ppl, nobody’s perfect. It’s implied that Ame was literally abandoned/disowned by her parents so of course she’s not going to make the best decision with a “stable” mind especially if you’re desperate.

Ame Chan does terrible things/decisions like taking drugs on stream and self harming on stream and I think she even killed herself on stream too in one ending(tho feel free to correct me if I’m wrong) which is obviously irresponsible and dangerous. And she says things that aren’t necessarily nice or the best(some of it is warranted since some of the ppl in her chat were saying rlly awful, gross and even misogynistic things and calling her “old”).

And while she only wanted to be kangel for attention online, it’s kinda possible that she’s been able to have positive impacts on her fans/audience. We’ve seen how she is with the younger side of her fanbase as Kangel. She’s very kind and compassionate and overall very sweet towards them. Kangel’s entire persona is revolved around reaching out to lonley ppl online who’re struggling and to make them happy.

She may be doing it only for money snd attention, but like most ppl who struggle with mental health issues, they sometimes don’t realize the positive impacts they’ve had on the ppl around them. Hell maybe deep down Ame made Kangel to also help reach out to ppl like her online and make them happy too.

And as for the whole shotacon accusations, Ame Chan is NOT a shotacon. It was a very bad translation error and we all know that most translators aren’t always reliable(especially Google Translate) so please stop spreading that around. It’s been debunked already.

Maybe I’m biased because while I don’t have BPD(at least I don’t think so), have never taken drugs, nor have I ever cut myself in like a very VERY long time(tho I never left any scars cuz i didn’t like pain)and have an anxiety disorder and am autistic, I still sorta relate to/kin Ame Chan.

I’ve had my moments where I’ve had emotional and or violent outbursts(not where I’ve beat someone up or broke anything)due to a rush of emotion and or getting real worked up/frustrated online and irl.

And it’s always rubbed me the wrong way when I’ve been seeing ppl trying to put Ame into the box of “bad/problematic person” whether you’re trying to defend her character or not. It’s a lot more complex and morally grey than that and I think characters like her being in media are important to lessen the stigma of mental health whether it be in Japan or worldwide.

Feel free to correct me and fill me in on stuff if I missed anything or left anything out but in conclusion, Ame Chan is a not a good person, but she’s not necessarily a monster and or all bad either and I think ppl on both sides should realize that.

[roundearthsociety]

This is going to be a tad personal but how do you manage to be trans and catholic? Some of the biggest anti trans voices like Matt Walsh, Michael Knowles and Desantis base their views off that religion. Many trans people on here, Reddit and IRL have nothing but disdain for Catholicism because of the Vatican’s statements and how they’ve been treated. Likewise, a lot of Catholics I’ve seen on tumblr, Reddit and various forums view it as a sin, mental illness or pedophilia and oppose affirming care as well as IVF.

I’m an American exvangelical, who does have some conservative Catholic family members, and I’m trying to broaden my perspective a bit rather than writing Catholicism off as an irredeemable, hateful colonizer ideology and viewing paganism and Reform Judaism as the only valid religions like most Tumblr users do. How do you put up with it when many refuse to affirm it, including the pope who’s still very conservative? I’m not asking to attack your beliefs but are simply curious whether there’s more nuance than people will claim.

This is something that's a bit hard to answer, as someone who's not that good a theologian nor that good at theory. Plus, I'm not side A, so I wouldn't be all that good at discussing Catholicism While Queer with you I suspect. Anyway I will be assuming you, the reader, have got some level of legitimate Christian faith. Because otherwise I'm not sure how to like. Give you that.

So let me preface all of this by recommending you look into queer Catholic organizations such as New Ways Ministry, or especially DignityUSA which I've heard good things about. There are also some Tumblr bloggers on the more affirming side of things, most of them aren't really doing all that much advocacy work either but you might find it interesting to scroll through, idk, and-her-saints or shoutsofmybones's blogs for example, and take a look.

Also: you don't have to give up on Christianity entirely if you can't / would rather not be Catholic! Even if the specific ritual and community aspect is especially important to you, the Episcopal Church is probably decently well implanted where you live and is worth looking into, especially since it doesn't have the embedded political elements that the US Catholic Church tends to have.

As for my own personal answer below - please don't bother to get mad at me for this, it's like 4AM and I'm not too interested in writing a thesis here.

Gender-wise it's honestly pretty straightforward. I know I function better being generally recognized as another sex than I was assigned at birth, with characteristics to match; everything else in terms of gender roles names etc is really just getting a lil silly with it ngl. This is neither especially uncommon nor especially new, and the generally recognized way to deal with this has long been to just let people do their thing. While there are issues with the way that's being done (hey! you should freeze your gametes if that's available to you! don't count on never wanting kids, especially if you're a teenager! trust me on this one.), a lot of the modern discourse around it boils down to "this is disgusting to me so it must be morally wrong". And like, I'm a biologist, I can't really find it in myself to be grossed out by this stuff anymore.

Anyway the Church is far from a monolith. Even at the institutional level there's plenty of tolerance; my home diocese is based in a large and ancient Mediterranean city so God knows it's had ages to get used to the weird shit, not counting the handful of trad strongholds. My understanding of the situation in the US is that it's Kind Of Really Not That though, so I'd strongly recommend heavily looking into your local Catholic diocese and parishes before making any moves, because Catholic faith and practice are a very community-bound thing and it's not really something you can do at a distance. Thankfully though, once you start avoiding the political activists trying to use faith as a means to an end (as is the case for most of the people you cite in your ask), you'll find that it's relatively more chill than you'd think. Let me elaborate.

My own case is complicated enough that I can't reasonably apply any of the details to this, but ultimately what's important to note here is that Christianity is functionally about how everyone is flawed, and everyone fucks up, and sure you'll be forgiven but you've got to own up to it first. The members of the Church, even the Pope, even (most of) the Saints in their earthly lives, are no exception. They can be misguided, fearful, or just plain hateful; in such circumstances, it's on them to do better, not on you to adapt to their flaws, and they know this if they're honest to themselves. This, in turn, must apply just as much to you and me; as a Christian, you (generic) have everything you need to do better, and to know anything that prevents you from loving other people is probably not the way to go.

But anyway yeah. I'm trans and Catholic because both of those are just kinda who I am, and I don't intend to stop being either because I'm not interested in replacing myself with the cop in my head. So the Church can have fun with that.

[swirlygigg]

hi swirly!! i was planning on making files and also engaging in irl hypnokink both as a dom and a sub-- i was wondering if you have any guides for it?

hi anon! i will tell you, i don't have quite so much experience with irl stuff as i do online, but i will try to talk about it a little!

first, as far as hypnosis safety, i highly recommend you reading @misscammiedawn's thoughts about hypnosis. she always makes really comprehensive posts about hypnosis and i think many of her points and emphasis on safeties in hypnosis are excellent--she is particularly well-versed in talking about safety in regards to mental health too which i think is important.

i also really love @h-sleepingirl, whose guides on hypnosis also emphasize safety in a way that is practical and useful! honestly, their work and especially their site is super useful for anyone trying to get into hypnokink!

lastly, as far as files, my gold standard has always been @secret-subject! not only are secret's files very engaging, they're always very thorough in their content descriptions and have a real focus on safety too.

as far as my own work... i mean, i love making files, and typically when you're making a file, you're usually in a dom mindset! i think the main guiding thoughts i have had are to focus on a few things.

what is the roadmap of your file? unlike with irl hypnosis, the file sort of needs to know exactly where it's going, so it's good to have an idea and to sketch out what kind of trance, effect(s), and wakener you make for your listener! that also lets you make a comprehensive description so people know whether they want to engage or not.

what kind of hypnosis techniques are you employing? mixing techniques is fun, but can make for confusing trances, so i like to choose maybe 3 techniques maximum for a short file. usually it's easiest to do nice long inductions followed by fractionation, then whatever creative technique you like best! i like mantras so that's usually what i do as my third thing. then i like to choose a standard wakener for the end... or sometimes i don't put one at all, but you should put that in your description so people can choose to set an alarm or other wakener of their choice after!

how do you want your listener to feel before, during, and after? obviously some people like to install obedience triggers, but i find those like playing with fire--and i am a little bit of a pyrophobe. i love pleasure and obedience, but some people want to play with fear or pain, which is cool as long as you're practicing Risk Aware Consensual Kink! on a personal note, since you are coming from a dom mindset generally, i believe you should also think about whether someone listening might need reassurance or special attention after, and if you can provide that with your words, it's better to put it rather than omit it. after all, if your listener wants to sit in those feelings, they can always stop the file before the aftercare portion--this is why i think having a comprehensive description matters!

gosh this is a long post already, but to talk about irl stuff...

obviously i started off talking about safety because hypnosis can be quite a lot! there is a lot of trust that you are putting with another person, whether you dom or sub. like with any kink, vet people! talk among a community or with other people who play in the space to get a feel for who you are around. know what you want when you are looking for an experience (even if what you want is to experiment!) and always make sure that no matter what side of hypnosis you're on, that you negotiate! i believe it's important to ensure that people involved can stop the scene, even if they are in trance.

as you play with people in real life, don't be discouraged if you don't easily drop or if you struggle to drop someone! like many kinks, it takes practice to look as effortless as the hottest fantasies you have. if you find people who are willing to play, you will probably develop a closer bond and trust that will make it easier to drop/be dropped over time.

i have more to say, but it's late--anon (and others who read this), feel free to drop another ask if there are specifics! i will answer to the best of my ability o7

[ilikepjo24]

I just like- sure sure proshippers are people but proshipping and the ships it perpetuates still affects the real world. I don’t count ships that are toxic with proshippers but I do count incest ships and that affects people. Either degenerates who get off to it or people who have been affected by incest and the category of people who have those desires and are using this as a way to justify their disgusting actions

But like- obviously harrassing someone isn’t good but explaining that this isn’t good and yeah it might be fiction but it still affects the world

I mean, just ask why Stephen King’s ‘Rage’ was pulled from publication. Because y’know mentally ill kids read it, already had intentions to shoot up their school, and took this as what convinced them to do it

Of course there’s a lot of controversy and stuff with the book rage and dubious if it did do that

But still

Your media that you put out and consume has real world consequences

That’s just what I’m trying to say lol

Oh. It's you again. Yay. 🙂

I'd like to start by saying I've interacted with tones of proshippers and exactly 0% of them ever decided to use the fiction they consume as justification for doing it irl bc none of them actually do it irl. Non-proshippers have created this idea that proshippers are crazy, horny weirdos and degenerates when really most of them are pretty chill. Until you accuse them of being crazy, horny weirdos and degenerates, that is. Then they get pretty upset. And they have every right to.

I've never met a proshipper that thought what they liked in fiction was okay in reality as well. I have, however, had the displeasure of meeting tones of anti-proship people that seem as if they have a rape and abuse kink more than actual proshippers do, because they go around spreading rumours that "proshipper-x was abused as a child and that's why they like incest ships" and "proshipper-y was raped by their male friend as a teenager and that's why they like non-con". Honestly, how are you gonna come at someone for being a proshipper of fictional characters when you have more rape/abuse fantasies about real people than they do about their fictional ships?

And another thing, notice how you felt the need to mention that the people that were affected in such ways by the book "Rage" where mentally ill people? And notice how school shootings still happen even now that this book is no longer being published? The patern I see here has nothing to do with the book itself, since it's not a necessary factor for a shooting to occur, but the untreated mental illness. And if that's the case, which it is, then the form of media people consume won't solve or worsen their issues.

Fact is, if somebody has the mindset of "shooting up a school is okay", they'll shoot up a school, regardless of whether or not they read "Rage". The fact that a bunch of other people that didn't have some type of untreated mental illness read the same book without initiating a school shooting after only proves that point.

So instead of using types of fictional media as a scapegoat, let's put our big boy pants on and accept that the real problem is the way mental health is being perceived by society to this day. Of course people are going to have untreated mental illness because of course they're not going to reach out for help if they think something wrong with them because of course society will treat them like an outcast and a monster instead of helping treat their mental illness. And the result of this is that no matter how much we police what goes on online, people are still going to do disturbing things. So the awareness you think you're spreading and the proper explanations you think you are giving in my askbox will not lower the count of ppl that practice incest irl.

Instead of turning the web into a space where we have to walk on eggshells, we should focus on solving the true problem, which is the demonization of mental illness. And if that problem is solved, then our world will be filled by sane people that can seperate fiction from reality and therefore won't apply fictional standards to real situations. Because of you don't solve a problem under the rug and use a scapegoat to distract from the root of the issue, then the problem will eventually demand enough attention to be solved.

With all that being said, I'm flattered by how influential you think I am, but my humble 300 follower blog on a dying website won't normalize incest irl any time soon. Or ever, to be exact.

Finally, if you're somebody I know, and I'm holding your hands as I say this with as much affection as I can master up for you, grow a pair and DM me so we can talk properly instead of taking up space in my very public, very influential, very famous Tumblr blog. I promise, if we talk one on one without the anon feature, I won't be as rude as I am now, that I think of you to be nothing but an annoying anon.

Or, preferably, actually pay attention to the things I said earlier, because I made done pretty valid points over there, which leads me to believe there's no reason for this conversation to drag on any longer.

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

it's been over a month since you watched your last monkie kid episode and that episode was before halfway through the season have you dropped the show and completely moved on to ninjago?

Bruh a month already that's wild I hadn't even realizedhglkdjf

Short answer for conveniences sake: I don't know!

I'm Just kinda going with the flow and following the serotonin right now so hard to say if I've dropped it or not or if i'm just very distracted XD

Longer more dramatic answer I'ma slap under the cut:

I have been dealing with IRL stuff and in all honesty this new season is just really hard to watch!

I really love the first seasons of monkie kid. They've done a lot for me and for my mental health so the fact I'm not liking season 5 is kinda doing a number on me because I really really want to like it.

I want to get that same joy and excitement that I got from first seasons but it is just! Not coming at all! And that's rough cause monkie kid was a big source of my happiness for a long while.

So many people seem to be totally fine with it and even say its the best monkie kid has ever been and I just feel! Kinda awful that I'm not seeing what they're seeing! Really wish I could! But!

I find myself being really negative when I watch any of the eps in this new season or even think about them at all because of how much I dislike them. Heck, I could like make a list of all the things I'm disliking about this new season but honestly I don't enjoy being negative! I just don't really like the person I am when I watch season 5.

I feel bad for not enjoying it and letting negativity into my reaction posts regardless of whether or not that is how i truly feel or even is just my gut reaction in the moment that i process and feel differently about later. It honestly doesn't help that I'll regularly get asks after posting the reactions telling me I'm being too harsh or that they didn't see what I saw and I just! I know it's honestly lighthearted and the askers don't mean anything bad by it but. Y'know what? I'd rather do without all that. Even if most of the asks are understanding and kind and in no way attacking me (so no trashing on my anons pls i love them <3) I really hate the feeling of bringing negativity when all I felt and brought was joy before. I don't want people who followed me for good vibes to be brought down because I complained about how they write monkey king for the 1245th time.

The hard part is I still want to finish it, people have said many many times it gets better, and maybe if I managed to watch the whole thing I'd come out on the other side really liking it! In fact I REALLY hope that's the case. but all of this combined is making it REALLY hard to work up the motivation or even the desire to watch. So...

Yeah! I don't know!

I find I'm getting a lot more good vibes from Dragons Rising right now. I'm loving the animation and the handle on the characters. Ninjago's writer transfer has been a glow-up and so much fun and I can feel that positivity and love i got from monkie kid coming from ninjago right now so ofc i'ma be focusing more on that. All in all I'm having a better time thinking about funky fruit ninja rather than brick monkeys. I do miss monkie kid a lot, but I only miss it more when i watch the new eps instead of less so... yeah. I guess we'll see!

Who knows maybe I'll wake up one morning and be good to go but I have no idea when that'll be. Haven't had the best experience with the first four eps or the fandom after watching them, so :T

Sorry this got really long-winded I am simply a jumble of emotions at all times :pensive_emoji:

Thanks for the ask! I hope the answer wasn't too disappointing and I hope you have a really awesome day dude <3

[mistralxsoul]

//I know I keep doing this and I apologize but replies are going to be a bit spaced out for a while (like they weren't already) so I'm probably going to officially say that I'm going to be on a Semi-Hiatus until further notice.

What this means is I'll work on replies when motivation strikes me so there may be days at a time where I don't reply. Thank you for your patience.

For reasons why, I'll put under a read more.

//Vent warning and all that.

I'm on Mobile at the moment so I probably won't go for too long but I'm taking this semi-hiatus for a couple of reasons.

The big one right now is that real life has dealt me a really bad hand and will not slow down in the slightest. Between family expectations, a car accident (I'm fine), car repairs, being forced to buy a new laptop bc my cat demolished my old one and a bunch of other things that keep happening, I'm not really doing too great at the moment. I'm stressed beyond belief.

Which leads into reason #2 and #3: depression has been beating me down into the ground lately. I can't bring myself to focus on replies a lot of the time just due to me being extremely tired all the time, whether I sleep or not. And it's being doing numbers on my confidence as a writer. I wanna reach out and interact with new ppl but

hoo boy I am terrified beyond words bc the brain is convinced that I am a pretty mid writer.

So tldr, I'm struggling with a lot physically and mentally and anything that I DO work on is self indulgent stuff.

Im sorry again if I take a while to reply to anyone. I try my hardest but I'm running out of steam irl and I'm running out of energy to give.

Hoping the anti-depressants calm me down and that I can get my irl issues out of the way soon bc I adore Flynn with all of my being and soul and I love writing him and exploring his character like this.

Thank you again for your patience.

[yuurivoice]

Just wanted to say that even though I do avoid exploring any tags related to me, I do absolutely recognize and appreciate a ton of you who regularly post awesome art, headcanons, and memes.

A lot of that is thanks to people sharing those fun, awesome things! Reblogs where I end up seeing them on mutuals blogs and stuff helps, so share and gas each other up!

There are people in this community that have been here for years, who have seen this entire corner of the internet shift and grow for better or worse. The OGs who have been around before I ever made this blog know how far the community has come, how much it's stayed the same, and how much it has changed. And I've grown along with it. My aspirations and hopes and creativity has evolved so much from just doing silly little posts as an anime twink to having a full blown web series.

Despite that growth, I am still just a guy trying to tell his stories and make some voices while doing it. I have a small team around me, and without them this would be even more difficult than it already is. We're not corporate, we're independent artists and freelancers and creatives just trying to do cool stuff, and are lucky enough that something worked.

I've failed so much over the course of my life. You see the results of things, and for the most part are incredibly kind and supportive. Thousands upon thousands have appreciated my work in one way or another, and that's a dream come true for me. I never bothered wanting anything more in my life than to share stories with people. I didn't have a bucket list, or many aspirations. I was at a dead end and ready to just give up. That mentality and the time spent going in circles did a lot of damage over time.

But you found me, whether it was 6 years ago or a week ago, and whatever support and vibes you've sent my way have mattered. I won't ever lose sight of that.

I wanted to say that because I know I am not as ingrained into my own community as an active participant and that may make me seem distant, or stuck up, or something. It's not for any sort of disdain or lack of appreciation though, it's just me, and trying to keep my head clear.

You don't get an instruction manual when you're suddenly a niche internet micro celebrity. They don't tell you about scrolling through fan art at 3am and then seeing the nastiest, most mean spirited, bad faith takes about your work you've ever seen. Shit is weird, man. And it's not for me, because I give way too much of a shit about my art, and that's a flaw. My skin has gotten thicker over the years, but what happens on days when your mental health is in the shitter? Weeks where I've been fighting my demons and losing can't afford me the grace to step on a weird internet landmine brought on by the symptoms of being a creative trying and failing and succeeding all at once in a world where everyone on the internet has an opinion they want to shout into the void.

And people can do that! It's my responsibility to look after myself and set those boundaries for my own comfort, not anyone's fault for just doing their thing on the internet, ya know? Once you put yourself out there, you have to accept that people are gonna people. Same irl, shit, I've been a fat kid my whole life, I'm certainly no stranger to people being obscenely rude for no reason other than they like the sound of their own voice.

I just wanted y'all to know that even though we're well beyond the "little internet family" vibes that some creators foster, I'm not up in some ivory tower (ha, said the thing) looking down like a curmudgeon. I am rooting especially hard for all the fellow creatives out there on their own journeys, wanting to share their passion and dreams with the world as well. I want you to win, and succeed, and find fulfillment with whatever drives you to make things.

Guess I was in my feelings a little bit and just wanted to say that I do see many of you and am thankful you've allowed me to play some kind of role in entertaining, comforting, or inspiring you. That means the world to me.

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[chipped-chimera]

Just wanna say sorry to people over the past month ... months? That tagged me in WIP Wednesdays, I'm sorry I haven't really been doing much of anything creatively, feeling kinda rough 💀 But thank you so much of thinking of me, I love seeing everything that you do!

Partial? Explaination/Life Update under the cut I guess.

Hi! Hello. First off, thanks for being interested. It warms my heart people care about me so much, that I've made an impact and people are happy to see my stuff. I wish so badly I could be making stuff like this all the time! Doing those things (whether art, or modding or just my dumb screenshots) and seeing people enjoy what I was making really got me through the hardest parts of this year.

This year has been a massive turning point in many ways. It just hit me I MADE this blog this year like, holy shit guys! I've felt so welcome in the Cyberpunk 2077 space and consider a lot of people my friends, whether we talk outside Tumblr or not. I'm just so happy to see your posts and your thoughts! 💖 For someone who just through how life shook out to end up really socially isolated irl, you guys have helped form the bedrock of a place I can come back to that always makes me feel better.

It's why I wish I did more. That I could contribute to that more and in turn, maybe help someone else as much as it helped me. But it's hard. Really hard.

I have realised a lot of things about my life in recent months, and I think it's a good sign - that I'm in a more solid place mentally to unpack things that have been sitting boxed up for years because I was just too exhausted to deal with them. They've both been great to unpack ... but painful at the same time. It's kind of in moments like these my passion to create things starts to suffer. It's hard to muster up enough motivation sometimes to just do what I want to do because I'm constantly struggling with a brain and body that just doesn't do what I want it to do - and that fact often makes me feel even worse and want to do even less.

I'm kind of stuck in one of these spirals at the moment. I have some idea of the way out but ... I don't know. This might be a period of grief for myself or something. It took me a long time to realise I'd been lying to myself about a lot of things - stuff I'd did out of necessity for survival at the time, basically becoming water and pouring myself into whatever mold I thought would be safe, that people would like me in. Online spaces, that I carefully curate, detached from any real-life connection have been my home in the absence of feeling myself for so long - especially as the world around me shrank.

I'm hoping in the new year, as me and my psychologist start working on the C-PTSD that apparently had roots way, way deeper than I could even imagine - things might get easier. I'm hoping like hell that maybe my fatigue is connected, that it'll ease - because to finally, finally be in a place with a supportive parent who is attentive and I have the words to explain what I need, and for that to be respected - to finally be myself - only to be held back by my brain and body because the damage went so deep I just can't is agonizing.

I'm gonna keep believing that this is just the bottom of this mountain, this turn around point. It's gotta be, I feel like my entire life has been leveled. And I know it's not going to be easy to climb back up there, repair the damage, get where I want to be. I don't even know if I'll get to where I want to be but ... at least I'll be myself. For the first time in my life.

So um. Thank you. For being around. For being my foundation through this. Wish you guys all the best for 2024, and I hope I'll be able to share more cool things with you soon 💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Kery

[astral-mariner]

Wip ask game!

🔒 [Lock] Would you let your family, friends, or other people you know in real life read your WIP?

❌ [Cross] What would your WIP get cancelled on Twitter for?

Ask game here!

🔒 [Lock] Would you let your family, friends, or other people you know in real life read your WIP?

My partner of 9 years has in fact written DB stories with me at various points in our relationship! They helped me refine how I write Bulma, even. We actually met through DB fandom. Same goes for my best friend---we started talking after I commented on her Vegeta darkfic after coming back to reread it after having it live rent free in my mind for almost 10 years. She has been reading my long Saiyans under Freeza darkfic as I've been writing it, too. She counts as IRL because we've met in person, haha. As for other friends and family? Probably not. My stuff is very horny and can be extremely dark, so it's definitely not the kind of thing I can go around sharing casually. Besides being fandom stuff. If I got close to someone, though, who liked fanworks and whom I didn't work with or anything like that, I'd definitely consider letting them read it if my stuff was to their tastes.

❌ [Cross] What would your WIP get cancelled on Twitter for?

Haha---so, so, so much. As a horror/darkfic writer, I handle a ton of sensitive and disturbing topics. Graphic scenes of mental/physical torture, abusive relationships, sexual violence, general blood and gore, etc. Sometimes I intentionally blend horror and erotica. It's definitely not for everyone even if I treat all the subject matter seriously and don't do it just for shock value. And while I think there is a lot of meaning and perhaps even comfort to be found in processing dark topics through art (as we all face hardship and can relate to characters going through difficult things and trying to survive), some don't agree. I can understand certain horror topics being triggering for some folks and their needing to avoid them, but I don't think it means that there should be no dark media at all for those for whom that media can be meaningful/cathartic/helpful. As a general rule, I try to warn people ahead of time what sort of content they can expect so they can make an informed decision on whether to proceed.