#none of you know me irl and only i can prove to myself whether or not I've “grown” and I dont have to prove diddly squat

[ticklepinions]

I promise you that you will not get arrested for changing your mind y'all. You can GROW and and rethink some of your past actions! Its normal, it happens. Easier said than done but you really don't need to publicly shame yourself for thinking a certain way. I get how internet culture has us overexplaining literally anything we do but you owe no one but yourself justification. It's okay to breathe and say yeah that probably wasn't a great way to think, change and move on 😭

Its so easy to go down the rabbit hole and turn a growing moment to a "I'm a horrible no good human being that deserves the worst things imaginable". Not saying that you're exempt from taking responsibility for your actions if they harmed other people but there are other ways of going about it that don't involve beating yourself up.

There's a post going around and I'm not gonna speak on it, but some people who really aren't the target audience are taking the brunt of it all and rethinking themselves as a human and I'm there like oh! That post really wasn't calling you out but okay! That's okay. We realized we need to change some things but it doesn't mean you're a terrible human. And these are literal sweethearts who keep to themselves panicking cause they thought they did something wrong. TRUST me the people that particular post is calling out is not about you. The fact that you're self reflecting is a huge sign you're not like that i promise you. Be kinder to yourselves y'all

[alphabetboyluvr]

hiii holly! i hope november's treating you kindly so far!

i wanted to ask whether you have any advice for writers that are just starting to publish. literally any modicum would be greatly appreciated.

it's really hard to assess whether one's writing is any good when literally no one ever reads it :( at the same time, I know I should write for myself first and foremost. can't help but want to be held accountable by the possibility of an audience, tho (maybe that's just my brain chemistry??) I fall into the pit of thinking "if no one's reading it, why am I even writing? I can daydream indefinitely and be satisfied. Why write?" Yet I always come back to writing; it's something magnetic.

it's not the same to ask close friends to read ur stuff bc they are ur friends, and may not give you the sincerity ur looking for so as to not discomfort u. conversely, they might not be interested enough so as to pick up on the fine details.

f/u question: how do you deal with publishing your work on the internet for free? does it ever scare you that strangers could copy and republish ur work without your knowing?

I guess that's one of my main apprehensions about posting loyally on writing platforms. I'm scared I'll write something I'm very proud of and have it plagiarized and not be able to track it back as my original property??

anyways, enough of my self-exposing on your q and a's feeling v vulnerable sharing my doubts so openly lol

thank youuuu :) ly <3

hiyaaa!! it's getting chilly, i won't lie, but other than that November has been pretty typical. likewise, i hope it's treating you well too!

honestly the fact you casually drop words like modicum probably suggests you're a paygrade above me in terms of writing hahaha

my answer is a long (srsly i just kept on going lmao) ramble, so I'll put a read more here haha

i've many lovely friends who i absolutely adore that I've met through writing that are now irls, but none of my friends that i know independently outside of writing have ever read my stuff - I've even got irl friends who are deep in the ao3 trenches, who are paying for other tannie writers' patreons, but we have an unspoken rule that my work is not to be read by them. i just don't let my friends read my work, full stop, so i get that sentiment.

the thing is, humans are naturally inclined to be storytellers - it's been that way for thousands of years. our tales are meant to be told. sharing is just a very human thing for us to do.

I've been publishing on wattpad (within the tannie space) for 4 years, now. readers didn't appear overnight - i actually recently found a screenshot of you up? from march 2021. it had 28 parts, 2.03k reads and 313 votes.

it now sits at 62 parts, 1.45million reads and 55k votes.

that's a little bit perspective for you, i guess - i'd written half of an entire novel that was averaging around 70 reads per chapter, but i loved that world, and i had story to tell, so i told it. some people viscerally hated it, some loved it. i was writing for me, and the numbers prove that. if you worry about the numbers, you'll never satisfied.

similarly, comparison is the thief of joy, or so they say.

comparing yourself to other writers is never healthy. there are far more 'successful' authors on wp in terms of reads, but i genuinely mean it when i say i think i have the most fulfilling and rewarding space on tannie wp because my readers are so unbelievably lovely. i wouldn't trade my current readership for bigger numbers, not a chance.

in terms of plagarism, there are 170,000 words in current use within the english language, and 36 plot types. we've exhausted a lot of them, already. overlap and similarities are bound to occur, so i try not get fixated on it.

take cv for example - i was so gassed up with myself when coining the terms mono and multi, only to find out after i'd finished writing the story that there was a drama with a similar concept that also used the term mono for a similar condition that aired after i'd already started writing cv. overlap happens.

similarly, we're a product of the media we consume. endeavour is my favourite word, because it was in a song i liked when i was a teenager and it stuck with me. i use it all the time, and we can trace it back to the pen of alex gaskarth lmao.

I've seen readers of mine publish work that's been heavily inspired by my work - with and without 'permission' - and i just sort of shrug my shoulders whenever i notice it.

the way i see it, we'll never tell the exact same story. likewise, no two readers will ever read identical texts the same way. i encourage creativity, and know how important it is for me to empty my brain, so I'll never go for someone's throat for doing the same. that's how myths were born, right? people telling and retelling the same stories over and over again? how am i gonna write a romeo & juliet x greek mythology inspired fic and then get annoyed for someone taking inspo from me?

just like the way hair will always grow back after a terrible cut, new words can always be written after a disappointing discovery. idk, i just don't take it very seriously, i guess.

as for whether or not your writing is any good - it's totally subjective. there are people who have explicitly, publicly stated their disdain for my writing. I've had cruel opinions about my writing projected and amplified to large followings. and it sucks.

but there are people who have been exceptionally kind about my writing, too. i get some of the loveliest messages in the world. there are tiktoks with hundreds of comments of just unadulterated loveliness directed towards my work. I'm afforded so much grace and love that it can be overwhelming at times.

not everything is for everyone, and that's okay. you can't let yourself get hung up on pleasing everyone.

the one thing i will say, is that if you're seriously concerned about your IP, write original characters, and use wattpad as your platform. i know they have a reputation, but they give a shit about copyright infringement and the second someone gets reported for plagiarism, they'll investigate it, and take down the story.

no reward without risk - you gotta decide if the risk of plagiarism is worth the reward of sharing your work.

and plus, ai is taking over anyways. may aswell write while we still can lol.

so i guess tl;dr - don't let outside influence impact your internal need to create. the right readers will find your work eventually, but it's not an overnight miracle kinda thing. if i stopped writing just because i didn't see results in my stats, then i would have stopped after kumiho, and we'd have never gotten throttle, or bd, or anything else of mine you might have read.

do it because you love it, and it fulfils you. i love the communities built around my stories, and that's why i share them. writing without sharing doesn't fulfil me in the same way.

okay i've really rambled too much so i'll leave it here, but i hope that helps a little!!! or at least has given you insight into my brain!!!!!!

luv u byeeeeeee

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

Lmaooo, I read your reply and thought, 'So like a game warden? ...Oh.' Because that's probably exactly what they are lol. They're wardens in a game with roles akin to irl game wardens. Actually assigning them jobs duties that lots of game wardens have like protection of people, wildlife, and the environment, search and rescue, patrolling certain areas for trouble, maybe even public education to teach people in their clans about the different types of pokemon in each area and how to avoid or fight against them, stuff like that, makes them make a lot more sense in general. Add that to duties probably related to taking care of their specific noble, and that's something that actually fits as being a Really Important Job.

I like to think that, in that case, because pokemon are so intelligent, they know to come to the wardens for help. Like how some real wild animals will come up to humans for help. So when an alpha starts rampaging or when the bubbles first started showing up and none of the pokemon knew to avoid them, even pokemon that are usually skittish or very aggressive would seek out the wardens. Actually wait, is that what Ingo is doing in your Reception au? Camping out in the bubbles not just to observe/report on them, but also to help out any poor soul who ends up hurt in there on accident? I'd go check what he says to remind myself, but ao3 is down atm, so I can't.

I mean, I agree, there's no way that their teams aren't actually Really Good, because they're gym leaders who have to prove they're certifiably good just to get the job, and there's no way that everyone is following the same gym choices that you do starting in your podunk little town so they have to theoretically be able to face someone with any number of badges, plus what you said about their end game teams. But what always trips me up is how on earth they scale the hp and defenses back. Moderating how hard they hit in one thing, but how do they make them take so much more damage? Although I guess if it's for show like you said, then they're not actually being hurt that much, they just know how many hits like that they could take were they also at that level so they know when to give up and "faint".

Well then that begs the question of whether Ingo's team is actually even higher than level 75 and that's just the highest he's willing to fight you with, even if your pokemon are much higher than that. That might just depend on how long he's actually been there though. Anything over than 3 years I can't see his team as being only 75, but I have no idea how long you actually hc he's been in Hisui.

yeahhh yeah exactly!! to get more into hcs i haven't necessarily finalized, i think that in particular, there's one warden of a region (the frenzy noble's warden) whose role is more focused on the environment and pokemon, and the other (the ride noble's warden) is more focused on helping and protecting travelers. they're not hard-and-fast roles, obviously, but more like general guidelines. and your description even suggests to me that in modern day sinnoh, the roles of the wardens haven't even disappeared so much as they've been adapted. instead of "these are people and pokemon Blessed by Almighty Sinnoh to protect the land and guide travelers" it's now "these are people and pokemon Employed by The Government to protect the land and guide travelers" but you can trace their history back to hisui still.

yeah i think they would! or even if they don't necessarily all recognize a warden, they definitely recognize a noble and know to go to it for help. and to save you the trip, in my own copy of it his phrasing is that he's there to "confirm that the Pokémon appearing in the rifts do no undue harm to the environment or any native species," so yeah that's more or less exactly what he's doing. the rift pokemon aren't necessarily blindly aggressive the way alphas are, but what they are is panicky and defensive bc of how suddenly their environment turned into something unfamiliar and hostile, so they tend to be quick to lash out anyway. not to speak of the times alphas show up in rifts, which is the worst of both worlds and definitely requires quick response time.

and i mean. protag can powerlevel their team to 100 in, what, a few months? less? i feel like pla's canon assumes you're not taking very long with it, but months sounds more realistic. and they have the benefit of exp candies and fighting gods, but ingo has the benefit of being one of the designated Guys Who Have To Fight Alphas, so i think he could manage. especially if they were already decently strong when he caught/befriended them

actually the more we talk about this the more i'm leaning towards his gliscor being a former alpha that he befriended by freeing it from frenzy. and possibly that he showed up so soon after alphas started happening that this was the first real proof that alphas could be broken. and he just showed up at his first or second ever warden meeting with what was visibly almost definitely a non-hostile alpha and apparently just did not plan to like. address it. this is gliscor it's my partner it was frenzied now it's not. why is everyone staring

[aspenflower17]

Finding You (Part 17 of ??)

Hello everyone! Thank you all for being so patient! I had pretty bad writers block and couldn’t figure out where I wanted the story to go from the last chapter. I was also dealing with some irl problems as well. It seems like a lot of creators were having the same problems though January and February though. Hopefully March will make everything smooth out! I think I figured out where to go from here (I have the end all planned out, but getting there without ruining the pacing is what’s been giving me problems). I appreciate everyone’s patience while I figured things out, and hopefully I can get back on a normalized schedule!

Anywho, if you’re new to this story and would like to start at the beginning, here’s the link to part 1. Every chapter should have a link to the next part at the end, so hopefully you decide to read it all :D

Tags <3 : @simpingforsatan @naimena @hachimochi @wrathandgreed @magi-minminxiii @rensphilia @a-dream-at-night @chloelikesobeyme @getbehindme-satan @theuglypugling @oofthelazyweeb @mammonismyfirstman (I’m not great about putting this on every chapter, but if you want to be added to the tags list, just comment below asking to be added (I don’t want to assume everyone commenting wants a tag so just make sure to mention tag in the comment) or you can send me a DM :) Also, I just went through all the chapters so far and I think I have everyone. If I missed you just remind me and I’ll put you in!)

Word Count: 2566

TW: some angst relating to last chapter but that’s about it

Satan sat in his room, contemplating whether telling Mc about Michael was a good idea or not. It’d been a couple days since she’d come over and he hadn’t heard anything from her. It was worrying him more than he wanted to admit, but he knew from spending a lot of time with her as a human, it would be a better idea for him to leave her alone until she was ready to talk to him. From the way she speaks about him, it’s pretty clear their relationship is a bit strained. Actually, it reminds me a bit of me and Lucifer, though with obvious differences. 

While the Avatar of Wrath would never admit it aloud, he did have a kind of respect for Lucifer. It took a different form than anyone else’s mostly because he knew him. All of him. Flaws, strengths, weaknesses, secrets. Well, at least up until his birth. He’d had no idea about Lilith and what Lucifer had done. Lucifer had definitely changed a lot since the Fall, but Satan could generally figure out what he was thinking or how he was going to respond to a situation. So, what was going on with Mc and Michael?

Obviously he didn’t want her talking with him at least. There was probably some fear she’d fall, taking the path of her ancestor but for a being in the Devildom. He couldn’t see any war resulting from her Falling. It would be from her own choice, with no forbidden fruit or humans involved. He was pretty sure Michael didn’t feel anything romantic for her, so it probably wasn’t anything involved in wanting her to stay for him. So why?

He was pulled from his thoughts by his DDD ringing. Hoping it was Mc, he answered by the second ring, “Hello?”

“Congratulations! You’ve won an-” Satan growled and hung up. Stupid solicitor.

There was a knock at his door, “Yo Satan. I got somethin’ for ya’,” Satan sighed, but got up to answer the door. Pulling it open, he saw Mammon and Mc on the other side, “Said she wanted ta talk ta ya. It sounded urgent so…” Mammon smiled a bit apologetically.

“That’s quite alright. Mc, hello. How lovely to see you. Do you want to come in?”

“I’d appreciate that. Thank you,” Mc entered his room as Satan shot daggers through his eyes at Mammon.

“A little warning next time would be nice.”

“Oi! If ya hadn’t been so… gloomy lately maybe I wouldn’t have been so worried- No, ya should just be grateful to the Great Mammon. I’m not an errand boy ya know,” and with that, Mammon stalked off down the hallway.

Satan rolled his eyes, but didn’t say anything back. He understood Mammon was just trying to help him, “Well, it’s nice to see you Mc. How… Are you okay?” Mc was turning slowly, looking at his room in awe. He would’ve just figured she was simply impressed by his room like she had been the other first time she’d seen it, but she looked rattled.

“Oh! I was just… Umm… Your collection is really impressive,” she deflected his question, smiling. The unease remained in her eyes though.

“Yes. This is my personal collection,” Satan answered, leaving his question unanswered.

“It’s quite… impressive,” as she turned, Satan caught her frown again. Does she not like how messy it is?

“Though they’re not all on shelves, I make sure they’re all kept in good shape. I honestly just don’t have enough wall space or bookshelves for them all.”

“Oh… I understand. I tend to get book piles too,” Mc answered, a bit caught off guard. 

So it’s not the mess. What could it be?

“So, what are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you. I just haven’t heard from you for a couple days.”

“I’m sorry about that and just showing up out of the blue like this. I had a lot to think about after… last time, and some things to research. Then inspiration randomly struck for my next art show. Not to mention, Michael’s been keeping a close eye on me ever since he blew up. I wanted to see you, and I didn’t even think to message you first. I’m sorry about that.”

Satan was at a loss for words. She wanted to come see me. She wanted to see me so much, she just showed up. I should really say something to her right now, but I’m not sure what to say.

“You’re not angry with me, are you?” Mc turned back to him, looking worried.

“Of course not. I was afraid you were possibly upset with me, and Lucifer I suppose, for what we told you. I know hearing something like that must be hard.”

Mc smiled, “Well, that’s good to know. As to what you told me… I do trust you guys. More so than I trust most of the other angels in fact… But you are demons and what you told me was… Anyway, I was researching what you told me to see if I could corroborate your story and I did find a couple different mentions of Lilith, one of which told of a connection between her and the fruit. I couldn’t prove or disprove the claims that he… That he was the one that shot her, but with how defensive he immediately got after I mentioned seven angels falling instead of six… I… I can’t bring myself to believe he’d do something that terrible yet, but I do believe you guys on everything else, and… it’s not beyond the realm of possibility. In any case, the Celestial Realm definitely covered up much of the war, including its causes. I had a suspicion when I originally learned about it, but figured it was all just in my head,” Mc looked Satan straight in the eyes, “I want to thank you for being honest with me.”

“How are you so sure we didn’t lie to you? Like you said, we are demons.”

“Call it a hunch,” Mc smiled, “Anyway, I really appreciate it, and I wanted you to have this,” she handed him a very lifelike drawing, “I thought you might like cats, so I frew my favorite one from the Celestial Realm.”

Satan couldn’t believe his eyes, “Leo?”

“Huh?”

“That’s Leo. I… half adopted him a while ago.”

“How can you tell?”

“Well, he’s got hearts all over him right? The one on his forehead and chest are the most prominent, but there’s a couple more on his back and stomach right? Hold on. I have a couple photos here,” and Satan went rustling through a drawer. It was hard to find a photo of him without Mc, but he knew there were some. Leo was a cat that he and Mc had adopted together. She’d used all her charm and reasoning skills to get Lucifer to agree to allowing a cat in the house. She had promised him it would only be the one cat, though they secretly were planning on getting another once Leo passed. They unfortunately didn’t get the chance to see that happen, as Mc passed away before Leo did. Lucifer had allowed Satan to keep the cat as a way to cope with Mc’s death. He listened to me! I told him to go find his Mom once he left me, and he did! I’m so happy!

He finally found a good picture to show Mc, “See? Same cat.”

“Oh my! You’re right! That’s incredible!”

“So, you said he was your favorite?”

“Yeah. Because of how transient most cats are, they don’t spend long in the Celestial Realm. He may not spend a lot of time with me, but I do see him around a lot, and he has comforted me before. A lot of the other angels think he was a pet of mine from my human life, and that's why he sticks around.”

“Well, who wouldn’t want to stay with you?”

Mc looked up at Satan, “You really think that?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

“You didn’t even know me then. What if I was boring or really dumb in the human realm?”

Satan slapped himself internally for not being more careful, “I highly doubt you were either of those two things. I know when people come down here, they don’t lose any of their personality.”

“Really?”

“Yup. It makes the whole process of breaking them so much more entertaining,” seeing Mc’s worried expression, he cleared his throat and moved on, “With that line of thinking, angels would be the same way. Your placement was just decided by how good you were in life.”

“What if I was a Wanderer though?”

Satan sucked in a breath at that. She had been a Wanderer? There was a chance she could have ended up here with him?

“There’s a lot of theories on why someone might Wander. None of them are conclusive though. I wouldn’t worry too much about it if I were you.”

“Satan?”

“Yes?”

“When the time comes, will you answer my questions?” Mc didn’t look at Satan, but he had the feeling this was an extremely important question.

“Of course I will.”

Satan watched some tension leave Mc’s body, as she turned to him and smiled sincerely, “Thank you.”

“Well, of course. That’s assuming I can answer them.”

“I have a feeling you’ll be able to,” she answered cryptically.

“Very well then. Since you’re here, would you like to stay and read? Or we can go somewhere if you’d like,” she turned to him, and he couldn’t help the words that fell from his lips, “I just want to spend some time with you.”

Mc looked a bit shocked, but then she smiled softly, “I’d really like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They decided on reading, but not before they went downstairs to grab some snacks. As predicted, Beel was there as well.

“Hey Mc,” Beel grinned, his feast not yet begun.

“Hi Beelze… Actually, is it alright if I call you Beel?”

“Huh? Why wouldn’t it be okay?” Beel cocked his head to the side in confusion.

“It’s just… I don’t know you very well, so I didn’t know if it was alright. Plus, they always refer to you as Beelzebub in the Celestial Realm.”

“Wait… Do they talk about us up in the Celestial Realm?”

“Not a lot, but when speaking about our history they do talk about you all, especially Lucifer.”

“What do they say about me?” Beel had grabbed his wrist.

“Yeah, what do they say about us? I wanna know,” Belphie’s head popped out from underneath the table, making Mc yelp a little and grabbed onto Satan’s arm. His hand automatically covered hers, a reflex from when she had been a human.

“Oh yeah. Belphie’s here too,” Beel added happily, watching the angel and his brother.

Belphie smirked, eyes on their arms, “So, what do they say about us?”

“You give me a near heart attack and then carry on like nothing happened?” Mc asked, a bit embarrassed.

“Your fault for not looking,” Belphie grunted, looking at Satan who was nearly frozen in place, his eyes focused on the point of contact, “You woke me up so maybe you should be apologizing to me.”

“Belphie, don’t be mean. You were hiding weren’t you?” Beel asked.

“Well, yeah, but that’s not the point. And how long are you going to keep clinging to my brother like that? I know he’s stronger than me, but I’m not going to hurt you.”

Mc looked to see she was still grabbing Satan’s arm, “Eep! S-Sorry! I didn’t realize,” she removed herself and took a step away, face burning.

“That’s quite alright Mc,” Satan managed to get out.

“So, what’d you guys come down here for?” Beel asked, frowning a bit at Belphie.

“Ah, right. Snacks. We came down for snacks,” Mc said quickly, face still flushed.

“I can help with that,” Beel said, “Come over here Mc and I’ll help you pick food out.” By the time their snacks were decided, both Mc and Satan had to carry them up to his room.

“We have way too many snacks,” Satan observed, “I’ll still have some in my room a month from now.”

“Awww, come on you guys! I went down to resupply early to avoid Beel taking everything, but it was really you two I needed to watch out for?”

“He was already there when we went down. He sent us back with all this,” Satan answered, not really wanting to deal with Levi at the moment. The twins had already taken up enough valuable reading time as it was.

“Of course he would. He never thinks about me when he cleans out the fridge. It’s not like it’s easy for me to just leave the house to go get something, but no one ever thinks about me. It’s probably because I’m a-”

“Oh, do you want these then?” Mc cut him off, extending her full arms.

“Wha…? You’re giving these to me?”

“Sure. Why not?” Mc smiled at him.

Levi’s eyes went wide and his lower lip quivered a bit, “You’re so kind. You’re truly an angel now.”

“Because I wasn’t before?” Mc chuckled.

Levi’s eyes got even wider and he looked down, “W-Well, I-I… Just… Thank you for the food. I think I need to go back to my room now!”

“Oh, sure. Here you go,” the snacks were handed off, Levi only dropping 3 in his haste, and then he was walking as quickly as he could down the hallway towards his room.

“That was weird,” Mc commented, watching him hurry down the hallway.

“He’s weird,” Satan sighed, extremely grumpy that Levi not only interrupted them but then said something so thoughtless, “Don’t worry about him.”

“Sure,” Mc replied, though he was sure she was still wondering about it.

“Let’s just get to my room before we’re interrupted by anyone else.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Satan closed his book and stretched, enjoying the increase in blood flow throughout his body, “How are you enjoying- Oh,” Mc, who he had given the bed to, the place she had read before they would read cuddled together, was asleep. She was breathing deeply, book still clutched in her hand.

Chuckling, Satan padded over to the bed, and pulled a blanket over her. Coincidentally, it was one she had given him. She had been convinced it was the best blanket for reading ever. He had put a perseverance spell on it so it never got worn past where it was comfortable. Now that he had it for a long time, he found himself agreeing with her.

He allowed himself a moment to admire her sleeping form, the muntins in his window throwing a line across her face. She adjusted in her sleep, pulling the blanket closer. She smiled sleepily, murmuring something that almost sounded like his name. She truly is just as beautiful as before she left that last time. The last time I ever saw her alive…

His hand caressed her jaw line before he knew what he was doing, “I’ll never lose you again. For as long as you’ll allow me in your life, I’ll be here. I promise you that,” he whispered, leaning down and lightly pressing his lips to her forehead.

She stirred at the contact, eyes opening sleepily and focusing on him, “Mnh, Satan?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As always, likes, comments and reblogs are always welcome! Until next time!

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity, Hope you’re doing great! Sorry for coming here again but I wanted to ask something, I realized I might actually be an INFJ in a Ti loop and Se grip, doing nothing but constantly overthinking about life and desperately needing to find that one answer to solve all my problems. I desperately need help from a loved one since I have not made any progress for a long time but I have a very hard time speaking up. Whenever I try to motivate myself to I back out last minute, even as I try to convince myself that it’s better for everyone if I do and that the people around me wouldn’t like me to suffer alone. I’m also a 9, so I have a very hard time truly feeling and expressing my negative emotions. I can usually only vent via text since I can guard my emotions way better from it, fully express all my thoughts and I don’t have to deal with the aftermath immediately with people constantly asking about my problems irl and treating me differently, making me constantly face my problems and feelings. I know I shouldn’t run away but I get so overwhelmed if people force me to open up and be honest with my feelings irl, I just have the heavy urge to go back to being fine after I open up because I can’t handle too many negative feelings for a long time. Do you have any advice on how I can slowly build up the courage to speak up and not be overwhelmed by my own feelings? Thank you so much for your help!

Practice doing it, and in so doing, prove to yourself that self-expression doesn’t always rip your life apart and send people away from you in floods -- since that’s what’s driving this. Fear of engulfment and abandonment and conflict. 9s tend to blow up things way bigger than they actually are in their minds, out of a paralyzing fear of conflict. So they translate a minor shift in someone’s tone into “yelling.” You have to realize it is not the case, it is just your anxiety about the potential for conflict that is making you overreact.

Find a safe space or a non-judgmental person to express your negative emotions to, in practice for doing it with and around other people. You don’t want to bottle yourself up so much that you are inert in your life and incapable of handling conflict. Dealing with fear of opening up is a conscious process, where you talk yourself through it and weigh whether your reaction is matching the situation’s facts -- is this person REALLY angry at me right now, or am I anticipating their anger before it even exists? Will it even exist? 9s tend to take on more than their burden and misread people, accusing them of anger where none exists, through their mechanism to avoid it. They ASSUME the other person is going to be upset, so they hide something from them -- and they may have read the other person completely wrong, and this thing they are hiding, the other person won’t even care about. It’s a blip on their radar. So you need to practice being honest with people and allowing them to react. Otherwise, you will spend all your time hiding.

Your question contradicts itself and puzzles me. How can you be in a loop, yet overwhelmed with your feelings? Why are you overwhelmed by people asking you to be honest with your feelings if you are a Fe user? Fe’s are quite good at putting together their thoughts and sharing them; it is a Fi user who becomes shell-shocked and doesn’t know what to say, and so might hide to avoid being forced to ‘open up’ before they are ready. Are you constantly overwhelmed by your own feelings? If so, that indicates they are foremost in your personality (your dominant function). IFJs can ignore their feelings. Can you?

[crackinglamb]

001 for dragon age?

Did you really want an essay?  Cuz you’re gonna get one.  I’ll stick with DA:I, since that’s the only one I’ve actually played.  I have passing familiarity with the other two games, but not enough for details.  And as always, it got really long while I was writing it out, so under a cut it goes.

Favorite character: Probably obvious.  But it’s Solas.  Love him or hate him, no one can deny that he’s a complex, intricately written character with lots of facets we have yet to see all of.  Plus, he has a delicious voice and I’ll own that kink, no one can shame me.

Least Favorite character: *sigh*  Vivienne.  I wanted to like her, I really did.  She’s a powerful, ambitious woman in her own right, a successful mage, an adept at the Game.  She has strong motivations of her own, even if they’re written with a bit of a cliche.  But that’s also part of her problem.  She’s willfully blind to the suffering of her peers.  She’s bought into the propaganda of the Circle and the Chantry.  She’s like a political centrist and I find that distasteful.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Solas/Lavellan; Dorian/Iron Bull; Varric/Hawke; Krem/Maryden; and finally a headcannon one: Solas/Ghilan’nain.  There are a wealth of layers to a relationship between them, and a bucketful of explanatory suppositions for why he is the way he is now.

Character I find most attractive: Do we really need to revisit the voice kink?  Are you gonna make me spell it out?  *snort*  Of course it’s that damned Egg.  No, I don’t sound too happy about it, do I?

Character I would marry: None of them.  They are, every single one of them, a hot mess disaster that I would never tie my life to, even if marriage wasn’t a convenient religious construct.

Character I would be best friends with: Varric Tethras.  That dwarf is bloody loyal to a fault and he deserves nice things and people who care about him just as much as he cares about everyone else.

 A random thought: How did I get here?  I wasn’t supposed to be here.  I just wanted to write the aforementioned happy ever after for Varric.  How did this happen?

An unpopular opinion: *nervous laugh*  My bestie is gonna kill me, but...Cullen isn’t as changed as people tend to think he is.  The overall arc of his ‘redemption’ falls flat imo.  I mean, all we really get from him is recognition that he has an addiction, has seen some shit and his attempts to deal with those.  He falls under ‘forgiveness doesn’t equal another chance’.  For a man who has been through as much as he has, his worldview is still pretty narrow.  Having been on the receiving end of someone like that irl, it simply doesn’t appeal in my fiction.

My Canon OTP: Hah!  Solas/Lavellan.  And not just because I’m writing about it to the exclusion of everything else right now.  I think it’s also the most in-depth view of Solas as a character.  His romance gets the most information about him by sheer numbers.

My Non-canon OTP: Varric/Hawke.  Hands down.  You cannot tell me that a man like Varric, over protective and loyal, would not lay down his life for Hawke and tap that ass while he was at it.

Most Badass Character: Leliana.  That woman is terrifying and yet all I want to do is give her a hug and a mug of hot cocoa.  She has the strengths of her convictions, the agility of her mind, she will fuck you up before you know what hit you and yet...she’s vulnerable under the surface.  But she doesn’t allow that vulnerability to break her.  Aside from a single instance, she never even lets anyone see it.  She’s remade herself over and over.  She probably could use a nap and a snuggle from her nugs.

Most Epic Villain: IMHO, DA:I doesn’t have a strong villain.  It has a series of boss fights.  The story isn’t finished, and the game is basically a placeholder in a franchise.  It’s too soon to know whether or not Solas counts (I don’t think he does, though, and if he does, I will be extremely disappointed in the writing team).

Pairing I am not a fan of: Cassandra/Varric.  I’ve yet to see it portrayed with proper application of enemies to lovers.  The start of their relationship is frankly abusive.  She holds him prisoner and repeatedly threatens his life in close quarters and she never makes amends for it in canon.  Bad tempers that lead to interpersonal violence are not cute or romantic.  I love Cass, I sincerely do.  But I do not ever see that ship as doing anything more than sinking to the bottom of the Waking Sea.

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Bianca Davri.  There was so much hype.  So much.  And she was astoundingly underwhelming when we met her.  Love is truly blind, because given the portrayal we got, I have no idea what the ever loving fuck Varric sees in her.

Favourite Friendship: Solas and Iron Bull.  Now, this is assuming one saves the Chargers and Bull becomes Tal-Vashoth.  They go from butting heads on every single blessed thing to playing mental chess to pass the time and prove several points to themselves and to us, the players.  They learn so much from each other.  I get the warm fuzzies.  Runner up to this is Solas and Dorian.  Two men who are frighteningly similar but can’t see it.  Or won’t admit it, anyway.  And again, they learn so much from each other.

Character I most identify with: Okay, it might be a cheap cop out, but the Inquisitor.  I too am not getting paid enough to deal with the shit life throws at me while simultaneously being responsible for the well being of both myself and a person dependent on me.  Granted, my little person isn’t all of Thedas, but I wouldn’t say that makes it any less important.  And I too am canonically disabled by the end.  It’s rough being a spoonie.

Character I wish I could be: Ack, I don’t think I’d want to be any of them.  They all need therapy.  Possible exception is Cole.  I like to help, just as much as I like to be left to my own devices if no one needs me.  Speaking in riddles?  Unleashing a torrent of compassionate wrath and disappearing before anyone makes me bleed?  Having a deeper connection to the world around me?  Sure, I can get behind those.  I’m a Gemini.

Thanks for the ask.  You know I love it when you make me think.

[roleplcyheaux]

what did kelly do to you that was so terrible that person witnessed?

i’m assuming you mean the person who messaged amanda about me when you said “that person”? truth be told i’m not sure what that person witnessed because i’m not sure who sent that in. i spent almost 4+ years being friends with kelly and in that time span a lot of people came into the fold and left it and i don’t know all their stories. or what they saw in that time. i only know my own story and it’s long and convoluted but i’m gonna share it. before i do though, i want to say this isn’t a call out post. or well, it’s not meant to be one. i’m not a fan of cancel culture and i don’t believe anyone is beyond the point of redemption. 

i’ve forgiven kelly for a lot of the stuff that’s happened between us and i also acknowledge a lot of our problems were because i never was honest with her when she asked if things were alright. for the sake of keeping the peace and not starting drama i never said a lot of things. if anything i enabled her. that’s why i’m compelled to answer this question. it’s not my place to judge whether kelly is a bad person or not. it is my hope that she’ll read this and realize she’s capable of hurting people more than she realizes. it’s my hope that seeing these words come from someone who knew her for years and thought the world of her will make her realize that the stuff that’s being said about her isn’t just coming from bitter, fake woke, negative people who are making things up to make her look bad or evil.

it’s important to note that kelly was one of my best friends in the whole world. both online and off. i was 18/19 when i met her. basically just graduating high school and still impressionable and kelly was there for me a lot through those formative years. she made me feel accepted and loved in a time where i felt anything but due to another group of friends who exiled me for being who i was (a woc who practiced islam). literally for the first year or so of knowing her (and ace, kaisi, whoever else was in our friend group at the time) i was lying about my identity. essentially catfishing them to the point where i’d have a friend i knew irl send snapchats for me. the closer i got to them the more the lie i was living weighed on me. i tried to distance myself from them out of guilt because of it but kelly always reached out and when i finally revealed i was lying and showed them who i really was they accepted me.

they understood! it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was closer to her than ever cause i knew that since she had been so cool with it, that everyone else would take her lead and be cool with it too. that’s the thing about kelly, she has that effect on people. she’s so sure of herself, confident, full of life and people just follow her lead cause she’s charismatic. i knew that since she accepted me everyone else would and i could live my truth finally. after that i essentially felt indebted to her. i loved her. she was honestly like a sister to me. an older sister i wanted to prove myself to and impress. there were a lot of things throughout the time i was friends with her that could have been considered red flags that i ignored. a lot of things she did and said that didn’t sit right with me that i did nothing about. i always gave kelly the benefit of the doubt because that’s what she had given me. but that changed. there was really one defining moment in our friendship where i had my breaking point but even before then there were things:

she asked me to join a group with her as a twin to her nina dobrev and then got mad at me for plotting with people and began accusing me of trying to compete with her even though she’s the one that asked me to join the group. i immediately apologized for trying to steal her thunder and offered to leave the group. i remember messaging lana about it separately and being upset that kelly compared me to an rper we mutually didnt like at the time and who i thought was trying to compete with me on the dash and copy me.

there was an instance where i told a mutual friend that she ended up wanting to do a plot similar to one kelly and i were planning to do for our ship so we decided not to do it. no big deal right? apparently not cause kelly was furious at me for telling this friend this information for some reason? she made a big deal about it and told me she didn’t like people talking behind her back so then i became terrified of saying anything about her even in passing to someone for fear that she’d be mad at me about it.

i learned recently that she used her closeness to me and our bond to make that friend (the same friend from the bullet above) feel excluded. [SCREENSHOT ONE], [SCREENSHOT TWO]. this is someone who she introduced me to mind you. someone she encouraged me to get along with. she would initiate skype calls and then go silent on us so we would continue chatting, not thinking much of it. then later she would accuse us (only to me) of ignoring her and intentionally leaving her out. i remember apologizing for this even though, once again i had zero idea what i did wrong. i also remember that me & this person started to just call/talk to each other directly instead of in the chat cause we didnt want kelly to be mad at us for getting along. 

after that, kelly made a gc excluding this friend without their knowledge. Kelly asked this friend if everything was okay between them and they responded saying they felt a little shitty because they were being intentionally left out. after that, kelly blew up in the gc. she was so angry she left the gc. at this point, she didn’t know who in the fc had told this person about it and i was so scared that i literally prayed before i could message her to tell her that it was me. That night was so scary to me that i honestly don’t remember how the conversation ended, but we managed to patch things up by the end of it.

I recently found out from said friend that kelly knew it was me all along, which can only mean kelly pretended not to know to test if i’d really tell her or not?

this person eventually just cut me out of their life all together simply to avoid kelly. which meant i ended up losing someone who was becoming a really good friend. [SCREENSHOT THREE]. 

one time there was a plot involving my character’s family member. a plot, which was kelly’s idea, where ace’s muse would die. he was my muse’s twin brother. this plot was huge and i started trying to plan the aftermath cause my character would obviously be affected. only the closer it got to the plot happening they kept changing what would happen. one day he would for sure die. the next he wasn’t going to. etc. when it was set in stone he was gonna die i began plotting with other people based on this huge event that was going to happen

but then last minute they changed their minds and he wasn’t going to die but be in a coma. i don’t remember what my reaction was really but kelly didn’t like it and she messaged me angrily accusing me of trying to make everything about my muse and make ace feel bad about not wanting to kill her character. she said something about how i already had all these other plots and i was being selfish. i apologized and explained i was more than okay with micah living and that i just was upset cause i already planned things in advance but i could easily alter stuff to fit the new plot. at the end of that conversation i think i was more upset about how she approached me about the situation than the situation itself.

that’s something that can be said about all of the situations above. it was never what kelly was upset about that made me feel shitty. it was how she chose to talk to me about it. constantly it felt like when she came to me with an issue she was having that she’d either use ace against me to make me feel like not one, but two of my closest friends were mad at me or she’d come in with an energy where it felt like i was guilty until proven innocent. it wasn’t a conversation between friends trying to solve a problem. it was like defending yourself to a judge until the judge decided that you weren’t at fault or at the very least gave them the answers they wanted from you.

none of this stuff is really in order and i can’t be sure when this incident occurred but kelly apparently said horrible things about me and our friend to a person she invited to join a group we were all admining together. i didn’t find out about this until literally today after i already started answering this ask. [SCREENSHOT FOUR], [SCREENSHOT FIVE], [SCREENSHOT SIX]

i also witnessed kelly be unfairly judgmental over someone who joined one of our groups as her wanted connection. the closer i got to this person the more critical kelly grew of her and how she played the character. to the point where the girl could feel her hostility and constantly sent me messages inquiring what she had done wrong to make kelly hate her. [SCREENSHOT SEVEN]

eventually i decided to open a group with this person, lana, and another girl i’d gotten close to toward the end of the group i was admining with kelly & ace. 

this is what led to my breaking point. friends have disagreements. they have fights. and everything up until that point i easily got over because we always managed to resolve the issue and see where the other was coming from. but this fight wasn’t like the others. i had never ever in my life ever felt so hopeless and like nothing i could say would calm her down or make her see things from my side. she came in guns blazing in a way i’d never witnessed before. to the point where i literally got sick and threw up. all while being on a call with my fellow admins who were lost at what to do to help me. i’ve lived with anxiety my whole life but that night was when i had my first full blown panic attack. [SCREENSHOT EIGHT],[SCREENSHOT NINE].

after that i confided in ace. our mutual close friend. i said something about how i couldn’t understand how she handled when kelly got mad at her like this so well because i was falling part. i apologized for seeing the way kelly treated her and never saying anything about it cause i understood how it felt now. i want to say at this point ace was genuinely trying to comfort me and calm me down. she gave me advice. she said give kelly some time. even though kelly told me that ace was upset/mad at me too ace was being so kind and understanding and hearing me out. then, the scripted flipped. i dont know what was said between her and kelly but suddenly ace was against me as well. i was accused of trying to come inbetween them. and i distinctly remember being called childish for being upset about the fight in the first place which hurt me even more (i would provide ss for this too but i cant find them]. ace unfriended me on skype. i never responded to kelly’s last message. and we didn’t really talk for a year or so. 

we ended up letting bygones be bygones and accepted kelly into the revamp of the exact group she had been mad at me for opening. it was my honest intention to rekindle our friendship and leave everything in the past but i couldn’t go back to seeing kelly the way i used to. i couldn’t help, but feel like everything she said or did was suspicious due to our history. evidently, i wasn’t over what had happened between us and i still let her into my life again because i genuinely wanted to fix things. for stuff to go back to the way it used to be! and for a while we were all really good at pretending like it was but kelly would consistently do stuff that would drain me. mostly it just felt like once again i wasn’t allowed to have friends outside of her. she and ace always found something bad to say about the people lana and i were close to. 

kelly would constantly message me being “worried” about “stepping on toes” even after i would tell her over and over again that these girls had nothing against her. she accused one of sending her anon hate but provided no proof. after opening a group they accused the same girl and our close friend tee (who were both admining with us) of being competitive and bubble rping on the dash even though it had been ONE DAY. 

ace blindsided me one night asking if i was available for a call only to go on a tangent about these new friends. attempting to gaslight me by saying i was being “bulldozed” and how they knew i was so sweet and trying to make everyone happy and that these people were “taking advantage of me” it got so overwhelming that i literally sent lana sos messages cause i didnt know what to say or how to react until she joined the call to give me some sort of back up. ultimately that was what made me distance myself. it genuinely felt like even though kelly claimed to have changed we were still having the same problems. her approach was different but underneath the issues were the same. 

i spent a year finding my own path in the rpc instead of following her down hers and when we were reunited it felt like i was expected to fall back into place. to be the same girl who took her at her word and had blind loyalty. when i wasn’t that girl i felt like i was being manipulated into trying to become that girl again. i couldn’t do it anymore so i stopped responding to her messages. i have so many good memories with kelly. so many late night laughs. inside jokes. beautiful muses and plots and characters we created that i still look fondly back on, but i also know that she made me feel helpless, dumb. it messed with my head, made me question my own judgement, and brought out a side of me that i didn’t like. one that was paranoid, anxious, and desperate for her approval. she wasn’t a terrible person to me but sometimes she made me feel terrible and ultimately that’s why we’re not friends

[bitchimlugoobrious]

I just finished reading Walden for the first time and people seem to have ~opinions~ on Thoreau, but personally, I enjoyed his imagery and even think he might’ve been pretty cool irl. Here’s some quotes I highlighted:

“[Thoreau] came early to recognize that some of his awkwardness in his social life was bound up with his own dissatisfactions, with looking for something, while all around him his fellow citizens seem to take their lives as they found them...”

“[Thoreau] was convinced that every singular existence, if it could be clearly perceived, could reveal, within itself, the whole, all that there is.”

“I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well.”

“What old people say you cannot do, you try and find that you can.”

“This is the only way, we say; but there are as many ways as there can be drawn radii from one center. All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant.”

“We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine andTexas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.”

“... to maintain one’s self on this earth is not a hardship but a pastime, if we will live simply and wisely...”

“The youth may build or plant or sail, only let him not be hindered from doing that which he tells me he would like to do.”

“But I would not stand between any man and his genius; and to him who does this work, which I decline, with his whole heart and soul and life, I would say, Perservere, even if the world call it doing evil, as it is most likely they will.”

“Be sure that you give the poor the aid they most need, though it be your example which leaves them far behind.”

“His goodness must not be a partial and transitory act, but a constant superfluity, which costs him nothing and of which he is unconscious.”

“I found myself suddenly neighbor to the bird; not by having imprisoned one, but having caged myself near them.”

“Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn in me. Moral reform is the effort to throw off sleep.”

“We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep.”

“It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts.”

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as a put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion.”

“But if we stay at home in mind our business, who will want railroads?”

“God himself culminates in the present moment, and will never be more divine in the lapse of all the ages.”

“We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are.”

“In our most trivial walks, we are constantly, though unconsciously, steering like pilots by certain well-known beacons and headlands, and if we go beyond our usual course we still carry in our minds the bearing of some neighboring cape…”

“Not till we are lost, in other words not to we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are in the infinite extent of our relations.”

“Give me the poverty that enjoys true wealth.”

“If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal, - that is your success. All nature is your congratulation, and you have caused momentarily to bless yourself. The greatest gains and values are farthest from being appreciated. We easily come to doubt if they exist. We soon forget them. They are the highest reality. Perhaps the fax most astounding and most real are never communicated by man-to-man. The true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. It is a little star-dust caught, a segment of the rainbow which I have clutched.”

“There is never an instant’s truce between virtue and vice. Goodness is the only investment that never fails.”

“Every man is the builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own...”

“... but what beside safety they got by sailing in the middle of Walden I do not know, unless they love its water for the same reason that I do.”

“A house whose inside is as open and manifest as a bird’s nest...”

“Nature puts no questions and answers none which we mortals ask. She has long ago taken her resolution.”

“Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.”

“In spring the sun not only exerts an influence through the increase temperature of the air and earth, but its heat passes through ice a foot or more thick, and is reflected from the bottom in shallow water, and so also warms the water and melts the underside of the ice, at the same time that it is melting it more directly above, making it uneven, and causing the air bubbles which contains to extend themselves upward and downward until it is completely honeycombed, and at last disappears suddenly in a single spring rain.”

“The day is an epitome of the year. The night is the winter, the morning and evening are the spring and fall, and the noon is this summer.”

“I am affected as if in a particular sense I stood in the laboratory of the Artist who made the world and me, - had come to where he was still at work, sporting on this bank, and with excess of energy strewing his fresh designs about.”

“The very globe continually transcends and translates itself, and becomes winged in its orbit.”

“A single gentle rain makes the grass many shades greener. So our prospects brighten on the influx of better thoughts. We should be blessed if we lived in the present always, and took advantage of every accident that befell us, like the grass which confesses the influence of the slightest dew that falls on it; and did not spend our time in atoning for the neglect of past opportunities, which we call doing our duty.”

“We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic features, the seacoast with its wrecks, the wilderness with its living and its decaying trees, the thunder-cloud, and the rain which lasts three weeks and produces freshets. We need to witness our own limits transgressed, and some life pasturing freely where we never wander.”

“Compassion is a very untenable ground. It must be expeditious. Its pleadings will not bear to be stereotyped.”

The last are only from the Conclusion:

“ The universe is wider than our views of it.”

“Patriotism is a maggot in their heads.”

“ I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws will be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness. If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”

“Let everyone mind his own business, and endeavor to be what he was made.”

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

“Sat what you have to say, not what you ought. Any truth is better than make-believe.”

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names.”

“Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Turn the old; return to them. Things do not change; we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

“Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly lights.”

“Money is not required to buy one necessary of the soul.”

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.”

[replicarters]

i was at northeast trek con this weekend, if you couldn’t deduce it from my posts that must have sounded like they were coming from some sort of hallucinatory trip. to say i had fun would be a wild understatement. if you slot this con on an alignment chart, it would be wall-to-wall chaotic good. the theme advertised was celebrating the 25th anniversary of ds9... and boy did we celebrate.

what follows is everything i feverishly tweeted about the wildest 72 hours of my life.

the only reason i went to this con at all was @thylekshran, who wanted to see one mr. jeffwey combs very badly. @jadziadax happened to say to me one night, “hey you should go to this con happening where you live to see nicole,” and i said, “wait a minute, isn’t this the con dylan wants to go to? what if i actually Did go to this?”

friday: i grabbed dylan, somehow, from the bus stop that i think didn’t quite exist on this plane. we get to the con and we walk into the exhibit hall. nicole is right by the door and i cannot look at her, so we beeline for vendor tables, and suddenly before me is an extremely familiar spread of colorful images. it takes me a minute to process it, and then i’m pointing to this table and rushing toward it going, “OH MY GOD. IT’S HER! FROM TUMBLR! OH MY GOD WHAT.” it was none other than @abravenoise selling prints!!!! i had no idea she would be there since i didn’t look at anything before i left the house. just fyi she is irl just about the nicest person i’ve ever met!!!!!! and i’m so glad we got to hang out as much as we did!

we spent the day mostly going to panels and being big baby chickens regarding jeff’s and nicole’s tables, respectively. we did end up at jg hertzler’s table A Lot, because dylan, like, is recognized?? by him and his wife??? idk dylan’s just out here charming the pants off everybody, so i was like, okay cool, this is the first thing that is Totally Fine, just chilling with martok. we also met two cool dudes through jg who really enjoyed hanging out with us, and that was great! making friends all over the place! not the first and not the last!

one thing dylan and i were bummed about was that the klingon meet & greet party that night (where jg and robert o’reilly would get in costume as martok and gowron and duel to the death) was sold out. we really really really wanted to go... so dylan just... straight up asks jg if he can get us in dhfklshdfd. and you know what? he fucking does. just... put our names right on that list! O K A Y!

the friday panels were a sign of what would be to come, every one we went to was crazy. this was my first real trek con, so of course i have never seen hertzler and o’reilly in a room together, but now i have and my third eye is open and all that. not to mention: learning that garrett wang plays pokemon go, nicole cracking up at poop jokes like i said, hertzler doodling a little shran with glasses on jeff’s sign, the con’s power point file just being named DRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. everything that was happening was so good.

chase masterson had a panel about her pop culture hero coalition, and currently working for a non-profit myself, i was really curious about what kinds of programming they do, so i went to her table to talk to her about it. chase ended up talking some about the why’s of starting the coalition, what it meant to her, her own struggles with depression, and i’m thinking to myself, “uhhhhhh well if chase is gonna share about her mental health struggles, then... i... will also do this.” the nanosecond i said something about experiencing difficulty with self-love, she was zeroed in on me like a cruise missile. i spilled everything to her about my job and how my old boss was basically the meanest, most miserable person alive, and how much she got into my head and how now that i was out of that department, i had to pick up the pieces and it was proving to be much harder than it has been in the past. well, god almighty, chase just had the nicest things to say in return, and we commiserated over being your own worst critic, and how ridiculously hard it is to have this fight against yourself over and over again, but that we deserve so much and going forward is worth it. jesus christ! i got a big hug and said to myself, “holy shit i can’t wait to tell my therapist that a star trek actor talked to me about mindfulness and now i want to learn the hell out of it.”

oh but then it was time for the klingon party that we were now going to thanks to jg hertzler. this thing was off the chain immediately, martok and gowron had their duel, first with sparkling bat’leths that fell apart, and then with whole baguettes, and i can’t believe i got to watch this with my eye parts. and that was the beginning; the party would go for another 3 hours, almost all of which i spent dancing with the most generous people i’ve ever met, who went out of their way to welcome everyone they could onto the dance floor, regardless of physical ability or skill level. there was one woman in particular who, if she saw even the slightest twinkle in your eye and you weren’t already dancing with her, she’d be like, “you, get over here!” i don’t know how my body did that for all that time without falling apart.

our esteemed guests began showing up, and garrett wang leapt into the middle of our jump around circle and gave each one of us a vulcan high five. jeffrey combs showed up which of course sent dylan over the moon, and he said, “you go, girl!” to her dancing. max grodenchik gave dylan one of his drink tickets and then asked us whether or not we thought the existence of god could be proven. chase found us and reached out her hand over a couple people’s heads to give me a supportive hand squeeze (!!!???). aron eisenberg, i don’t know what the hell he was doing, but i feel like maybe somebody asked him about terry, because all of a sudden i hear something like, “terry left because she was in love with nog and couldn’t take it anymore.” garrett has three pokemon go accounts, which he showed off at my urging, and let me tell you, don’t encounter him at a gym because he has three dragonites, two tyranitars, a monster blissey, and god knows what else. dancing, dancing, more dancing. then it was time for it to be done, and time to go home. we watched reanimator. i was wired as hell and barely slept.

and THAT. was only friday.

saturday: i had kept my eyes open for a copy of the lives of dax the day before, but didn’t see anybody selling one. this morning, i walk by a booth we went to the previous day and all of sudden, on top of a bunch of other books in a big tub, there it was!!! couldn’t have forked my money over faster if i tried.

then i had this bright idea. hey... here’s a copy of lives of dax... and nicole is here... and she should sign it... and then in the future i can get terry to sign it... boom, bang, let’s do it, right? i had dylan drag me to nicole’s table because i was like, “i am never going to make even eye contact with her if you do not physically take me there,” and one of us brought up that we missed her at the klingon party. it’s cool, we all gotta sleep, right? well, it turns out nicole had gone out with the gaaays in spaaace people to the bar where they were going to have their party later. so she says garrett texts her, “uhhh hey you know you’re kinda supposed to be making an appearance at this thing, right?” nope! no clue. so she texts him back, “hmmm uhhh well,” takes another sip of her drink, “i think i’m doing good work here.”

the thing about nicole that i somehow missed in my drinking in of all ds9 actor content is that she embodies pure shitposter energy, but if the shitposts were coming from a wine mom. she’s hysterical, 50% intentionally and 50% unintentionally. an extremely excellent human. she signed lives of dax, i had my tribble photo op with her later (that i almost missed due to getting into a conversation with larry nemecek!) and she said she was going to the gays in space party later. helllll yes. i hope somebody puts up her q&a because she told a RIDICULOUS story about auditioning for ezri and creeping on jeri ryan on a plane. i can’t do it justice, there are movements that have to be seen.

we went to combsland finally, and i grilled him about whether or not herbert killed the cat, and we learned jeff has two cats! show them off, man! where are the vids! then, and i had never planned to do this, i bought an autograph from him, and the shran i bought it on ended up selling out! crazy.

hertzler had doodled a martok above his table, and so this combined with the little shran from yesterday led me to these words coming out of my mouth: “can i pay you for a drawing? can i pay you for a drawing of jadzia and martok brofisting?” he gave it very serious thought, said he was gonna have to look at a lot of pictures of terry (relatable), and told me to give him my e-mail. between him and his wife, i hope to god one of them remembers my e-mail is in his wallet. let me give you money!!!

my next tweets jump right to gays in space - again, dylan knows a lot of the gis folks, so i didn’t feel like i was going into this totally unawares. we’re chilling at the bar, i’m drinking my cranberry juice, and then o’reilly, aron, and nicole arrive, telling everybody that jg’s probably going to be late because a bouncer pushed his wife and he might go to jail. like, kidding, but also... it’s jg hertzler and he could legitimately fuck you up. so he was gonna be late, regardless.

nicole sees dylan and me and comes to say hello (????!!!!!) and somebody ends up saying, “get this lady a drink!” yeah, dylan and i were on that. in fact, i pulled my credit card out like i cared not one bit about identity theft, fico scores, my own personal finances; i would purchase this alcohol in an alley from a guy using a card skimmer. few minutes tick by and then i’ve officially bought a drink for nicole de boer (?????????!!!!!!!!) and i’m giving it to her (????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and we’re clinking our glasses together (?????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) i’m clinking glasses with nicole fucking de boer and somehow managing to be normal about it. i’m not altogether convinced i didn’t exit the universe entirely by this point and end up in another one.

the gays in space party was AMAZING, it was just as fun as the klingon party! if you have a chance to go to one, please do, there’s like no way you could ever regret it. you get treated to star trek-themed drag shows, get to mingle, there was a raffle, the people were just as friendly as the previous day, it was so great. we were out very late for my old lady body clock but it was worth every bit of exhaustion we felt the next morning, after the saga of actually getting home past a blocked off road and dylan slicing herself open on the bottom of my passenger seat.

sunday: nicole sees me, mid-yawn, and gives me one of those, “eyyy you and me went through some shit last night huh?” looks and tells me good morning. ( ? ? ? ? ? ! !  ! you know this drill.) combs ended up on the escalator behind us after his panel and i turned around and i said to him, “hey jeff, you got any pictures of your cats with you?” (no, but he has a black cat and a very vocal calico.) i went to chase’s table again and got another hug right out of the gate, we took a pic together, and she told me i was powerful! yo! or rather yooooooooooooooooooo!

the con was winding down at this point, but there was one more thing left: jeopardy. the jeopardy game was done at the first northeast trek con and was so popular they did it again, and i really, really hope someone uploads it to youtube because it is beyond description. first of all, the whole draw were the contestants: you could enter a raffle to end up on either hertzler’s, aron’s, or garrett’s team. the champion from the last game ended up buying half the tickets, so he was on it again, and not on aron’s team, much to aron’s annoyance because god almighty did he want to win. he was about to commit murder in there. someone said nicole was upset that she wasn’t in the game because she really wanted to play, lmfao. so the guys running it were like, “well, go get her, she can be on garrett’s team!” which sent aron into a fucking tailspin. now we got a team with two people on it?! they got nicole and drew the other winners, and the game began. 

one of the rules was “this isn’t going to be fair. at all.” actually, it was two of the rules. despite this, you’d have thought aron was bitten by a rabid raccoon. every lost question almost got him flipping the table over. nicole belatedly, i’m talking like 5 minutes into it, realizes she doesn’t understand the rules of jeopardy and can’t figure out why “their” question was answered by someone else. she can’t believe someone knew what voyager’s registry number was. one of the questions was, “a young kid called ensign kim this name instead of ‘ensign’,” and with no hesitation, she answers, “asshole,” and wasn’t even joking, that was her actual guess.    R E A L    W I N E    M O M    H O U R S

the winner was hertzler and the previous champ. aron wants to ban the guy from buying tickets ever again. we head to the closing ceremony but it doesn’t happen? lmfao. well, guess the con’s over!

@abravenoise, one of our other con pals, and dylan were all taking the same bus that night, so we all went to grab dinner with two other guys, one who was a con pal and one i hadn’t encountered at all, and halfway through our dinner larry nemecek strolls in and sits down with us. things just keep happening, huh? the guy i hadn’t encountered at all was really impressed with me unhinging my jaw to consume my burger, and halfway through doing this i have to stop because he says, “hey, why the HECK did jadzia die?!” ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh here go hell come. my time to shine.

larry like looooves asking people what brought them to star trek, and this time he was asking us the -whys- of what brings us to star trek. i said the characters, for sure. he asked us about our favorites. i told him mine had changed throughout my life, but that when i was a kid, dr. crusher was my first favorite. he said, “in high school?” i said, “no, i mean, when i was REALLY little. like 4 or 5.” he asked me, “wow, have you ever met gates at a con and told her that?” pfft well, no, but first of all, now you got me wanting that, second of all i said what i really wanted was to swap cat pictures with her.

that was the end. i took everybody to their bus, went home, snuggled up in bed, and just asked myself, “what the fuck happened?” i still don’t know! but it was fun as hell, and amazingly impactful, if i’m being honest with you. i was surrounded by so many people brimming with enthusiasm, so many people who were happy. then there’s me, a curmudgeon who’s done everything in her power to stamp down her happiness all in the name of being ~cool or whatever. and it hasn’t made me very happy. i mean, i am also clinically depressed, there is that. but i’ve stopped sharing the things i enjoy with others, especially in recent years. i’ve closed myself off, mostly out of fear and attempting to survive my old job, but even here, i tend to keep myself at a distance, and i thought it was just because i’ve run the whole gamut of loving something before and just want to hang out with my friends. i think it’s more than that, though. i think it’s more of a defensive posture, and it’s that same posture which is running my life right now. it’s exhausting. this weekend wasn’t exhausting. it was in the sense that the human body needs rest and sleep and food and i wasn’t getting nearly enough of any of it, but emotionally, i was unburdened.

it would be nice to be that way all the time. i don’t know if it’ll be possible to be happy again like the people i met this weekend, but i do know that i want to experience this over and over and over again.

now, next time, maybe @rootmacklin and @jadziadax will be with me and we’ll be showing off our friendship necklaces to a very tall lady. that would be a good step toward unlocking my happiness...

[catboywhimsy]

Compilation of information on a few people

I’m going to start this off with a bit of a disclaimer: I’m bad at talking and trying to say things. If anyone’s confused on anything I’m sorry bc I have trouble with words. [additionally, my phone don’t is comic sans, so I apologize lmao]

Alright, this is a callout on user ‘aphdenmark’. Harassment, stalking, and more. Possible trigger warning¿ This should be under a “read more”.

Let’s begin with stalking. This part isn’t exactly something I can prove (if I said to check my iFunny or etc people would just say I deleted posts so I won’t bother) but I’ll try my best to explain.

In about 2013, I had a fun cyberbullying experience. I feel pathetic saying that but it’s whatever. An old friend of mine was going through a tough time and decided suddenly that she’d start bullying me and being an asshole. She harassed me so much that I legitimately wanted to kill myself and that she ran me out of the fandom for /years/. I came back earlier this year. I made absolutely sure that she couldn’t find me no matter what. I kept my main iFunny (jallox) completely separate from my aph one (Norge). I was scared to death of her finding it.

The callout blog is ran by user 'aphdenmark’. According to a friend of theirs, they didn’t have an iFunny account. (I think there was more than one ask but I couldn’t find it.)

The only way to find my aph iFunny account was through iFunny. The only way to find my aph instagram account was also through my iFunny. (Along with my Pinterest. I used 'JamesJallox’ as a username and never said on Pinterest what my aph iFunny was. I’m not saying this as evidence but rather the fact that it’s a highly highly likely chance this was also found through iFunny). If they really didn’t have iFunny it’s evidence of stalking.

Moreover, the only 'enemies’ I made on my iFunny were people who shipped incest or pedophilia. I posted a bunch of anti memes (mainly anti-NorIce) to my aph account there. My theory is either user 'aphdenmark’ A) had an iFunny and was mad about their precious incest™ being attacked, or B), they stalked me. Either way is bad in my opinion.

Further stalking came when I blocked them. I blocked all of their accounts I knew of and they continued to watch my blog like a creepy Little Hawk for anything they could potentially twist up and use against me. I blocked them and they watched my account enough to know when I changed my username before the girl who was kind of obsessed with me did (she had to ask my irl friend to figure it out. weird how user 'aphdenmark’ found out when they were blocked. odd.)

Now for the “it’s your fault and you deserved it”. As I said with my old friend who started harassing me, they found my iFunny. Why? Because of the callout. They likely knew my main iFunny account, and I didn’t go on it much at that point. I used the jallox username on tumblr while I knew her. I never linked my iFunny, though. I believed I was safe. Nevertheless, the callout was posted and not even days later she found me and I was being harassed again. Since the callout was made, I received a lot of hate. (I blocked only one person before the whole 'you’re transphobic :^\’ drama, and the asks suddenly stopped. Weird, right?). With the hate/harassment on tumblr and the harassment on iFunny, I felt like absolute shit. I was frustrated and decided to tell the person who made the callout that they were hurting me and weren’t actually doing anything good. Nothing of the conversation is blocked out (you can find my reply post to see. they claimed I was 'strawmanning’ and cropped out all of the conversation except one thing they said. you’ll find it there, but it’ll be blurry. these are cut up to preserve quality).

I attempted to make it clear the jokes I made weren’t the reason, but they didn’t care. They deleted my reply from showing up in the notes so none of their friends could see.

More “you deserved it”. Like I said, I believe that the user found me through iFunny. That would make sense; My only 'enemies’ there were pedophiles and incest shippers. I received a bunch of hate like this and I’ve only blocked three people in my asks.

1. The person who sent these (I blocked two people, one which I believe was their friend 'lupinlu’, who has also posted about me and was being an asshole to me, so it would make so much sense. (if they want to try and clear their name by sending an ask, I’ll unblock them to see whether or not they can send an ask.))

2. Old friend who was harassing me, went into my inbox and spammed my birth name. She’s the only person who knows it besides my irl friends.

3. Someone after the drama with as/kan/kofa/mily. It was about a month or two after the callout asks and harassment.

So, I blocked the person who sent those asks at the time and they suddenly stopped. Here’s another thing, in which my response kind of just explained what I did beforehand.

More, possibly irrelevant things I’d like to point out:

'lupinlu’ made a post about everyone involved in norice drama. I asked why I was blocked just because I was curious about the answer. They replied with something along the lines of 'I blocked porn bots who were following me and must have accidentally blocked a few people’. I can find the date if necessary, but it was sometime this summer.

'aphdenmark’ has a norice fanfiction called 'celestial’ (which I found through 'lupinlu’s blog. I dig deep through tumblr to find decent content, and this was well before they blocked me) and they continue to post things tagged 'celestial’ and it seems quite obvious to me what that means.

Thanks for reading. If you need me to clarify anything or provide anything else, please let me know. I’m tired at this point, though, so I may take a while to get back to you.

[milkihyoo]

2018 bucket list

2017 has been quite an unexplained year I could describe. I had goals and all but it has never been that specific to a list because I know I’ll never achieve all them somehow plus as an unproductive person like me, I’m very limited to do such things like meeting Seventeen because it was 2017 pffft  but it came true.

There’s nothing impossible. You just have to believe! Maybe not now, but one day, at the perfect time and moment, it will come to you. I PROMISE YOU.

This year, I’ve learnt. A lot. And I’m hoping for 2018, not exactly to be ‘my’ year or ‘new me’. I know there’s going to be a turned down for me waiting next year. I’m just gonna be me, but still learning and improving to be the best of myself. I’ve learnt that I’m not alone. Finding purpose, in this reality who i want to be or what I want to do for the next coming years. I usually heard ‘existential crisis’ and laugh when people make a joke out of it. Ironic, because as soon as high school is over and you’re going to do real shit, it all hits you back. IT’S REAL.

And you know what? It’s okay! I know I’m not the only one who’s still wandering what am I going for. You can follow the flow, see what’s coming and if you don’t like it, then there is no reason for you to continue. Change you path and follow another one. Life is uncertain. Good thing, it’s better to not know what’s ahead of us. I’m sure if we know exactly what’s gonna happen to our own future and destiny, we’re probably going to end up in fear.

So I made a list, (kind of) for 2018 me based on my own reflections this year and the past. it might be not the usual ones you’d read but don’t worry, I’ll explain a few. 

1. Speak less, act more

It’s all mindset ‘introverts’ are the shy ones and the least outgoing. WRONG. I hope the stereotypes labelling on introverts are changed. I don’t want people to see it’s a weakness of a person. In fact, it’s more of an advantage too. I don’t need captions to explain every photo I post. A photo could already describe everything, a mood, a situation or feeling on how you want to interpret it.  I’ve used to rant almost everything on social media whether it’s about world justice or my mom nagging at me I forgot to defrost the chicken but what gives? what I should be doing is find solutions and find the least thing I could do to change that matter. I need to stop saying to myself ‘I should’ and taking the action instead.

2. Find my ‘place of peace’

The most important thing I’ve learnt this year especially someone who faced depression and a severe anxiety before, is to find a place where my mind finds its peace the most. I think I have, but it’s all just assumptions that I should try to practice. It’s not a specific location, but more like vibe. People. Yes, I like to be alone, I enjoy it very much but I also need my peers around me to keep me uplifted. I’ve said this before but if you ever feel like opening up, sharing what has kept you back or sleepless nights, find someone who really empathises you. If you end up with someone who doesn’t understands your situation at all, they’re just going to make you feel more uncomfortable and you’re just going to be dragged into a forced positivity, which is NOT GOOD for your mind and health. Sad truth, they could be your family, closest friends or whoever you’ve kept in touch with so please, do find someone to talk to who truly has been there or knows your condition very well. 

3. Express more love, in each personal ways 

Another value I have came up to this year is to express and show my love more when they still exist. I’m not that kind of ‘affectionate’ person but i realised it’s not just about saying I love you and hugs and whatever the sweetest things you could think of. I could say ‘you guys suck’ in a sarcastic way to my brothers which I always do and I noticed it’s another form of me showing my love to my siblings who are annoying asf lmaoo. And to my parents, I always wonder it is sooo uncomfortable showing those soft gestures between us like in some other families do. But hey, it’s just who we are. Our love is expressed by teasing each other while being sardonic. Of course, there are times i get pissed but in the end, it’s nothing serious and just an inside slightly hurtful joke which is true. And I’m not going to change a bit about that. For my friends whether a mutual irl or online who supports me, I’m not going to stop myself replying thank you and hearts! Everything that involves a relation, IS REAL. Those people who keeps me uplifted, those idols who keeps me inspired and smile, I will always appreciate and repay you with more love as to making me reason to not give up one more time.

4. Live more with less

I feel very fortunate to read this book called L’art de la simplicité. I’m not going to explain much but I have never been inspired. I read a lot of non-fictional books about motivation and whatsoever but none really moved me to be a better person of myself like this one. The lifestyle really suits me and I am learning to live that way to the fullest. This includes of changing my greedy mindset, saving money, a natural way of healthcare and of course, my sense of style.

5. Learning to accept before it even happens

Failures, especially the ones you’ve been putting your whole effort for is one of the most hardest things to accept. I have sleepless nights just thinking whether I’ll be accepted for an interview or not. The thought of all my time and money would be wasted if i didn’t get it, killed me slowly. What’s important here, is mindset and putting faith. It’s okay to feel nervous but it’s also okay to fail. Mylife isn’t over. Waiting is a suffering. Yes. But at that moment of waiting, it’s a period of time to control my mind to learn to accept the worst thing that could happen and my faith to God that he has, AND ALWAYS has better plans from mine. It might be heartbreaking when things don’t go in my way, but I’ll move on as I already worked it out how to react before it was even coming. Failures are starting points to prove our strength and making it as a motivation to do better.

So I guess for now that’s all. For 2018, I wish all of you nothing but the best, happiness and success! x

[dredshirtroberts]

Been a while since I went on and on about my family.

Probably because shit’s been kinda crazy in my life and frankly there’ve been other things to consider.

I have very, very complex feelings about my family.

I love them, dearly, with all my heart. They claim to do the same to me, and sometimes they do things that prove it. Sometimes they say things that make me think if I ever were to open up completely to them I would no longer be loved. They have helped me and protected me during rough times in my life and I will be forever grateful to them. They have also caused me harm and trauma and seeded deep seated anxieties and complexes that will cause me distress for some time yet as I work my way through all of it. They are also, undeniably human, and for that I cannot find it in me to dislike them for their faults. Much.

Because of the trauma and hurt I’ve been through - whether sourced from them or not - it is incredibly easy for manipulative people to latch onto my insecurities and my anger and turn that into something they can use to isolate me from the people I am closest to both genetically and emotionally, thus making it easier to hurt me differently, more.

This has happened at least twice that I’m aware of. Once with a former best friend who I don’t know intended to be as manipulative and abusive as she is/was but intent doesn’t really matter I suppose. The second time was with my ex-partner I left this past April. 

To my eyes it always appeared that my younger sister was the favorite of my parents, and to my sister I appeared the favorite, so we were essentially pitted against one another in a competition we never signed up for - and I believe this was done completely unintentionally. The constant struggle to be “good enough” for our parents’ approval placed us in the unfortunate position of being 2 hormonal teenagers within 3 years of age difference stuck in the same house 24/7. We were constantly fighting - screaming matches designed to hurt. Wild swings meant to intimidate but not connect because if I connected there’d be hell to pay. (I connected a punch at least once, and that’s just the one I remember because it was relatively traumatizing not only to her but to myself because I never actually wanted to hit her). She and I have mostly gotten through the misunderstanding of our motivations from that time period. She struggled because I was the “good kid” who never did anything wrong - even though she knew better. And she was talented and beautiful and got compliments on everything - even though I saw her handheld through some of the things I was forced to do on my own. It was very fraught, and honestly there were things that should have been done better but none of us knew what we were doing.

My parents meant well with everything. They tried not to play favorites but they were both older children determined not to let their oldest child feel like they had - and in doing so had caused their youngest to feel ostracized and like she would never be enough because I had the benefit of the doubt on my side. Confirmation bias - the oldest kid wasn’t in the wrong all the time, which meant I was never in the wrong because they hadn’t been in the wrong all the time (they thought). This was the wrong way to handle it but I don’t think I would have done any better.

They took us out of Public Schooling to homeschool when I was 12 and my sister was 9. They meant to make sure that we were getting the attention we needed in order to succeed. I’d been in the gifted program and was still bored, and my sister was being sidelined because she was placed in That classroom of her peers - the one filled with all the kids who were constantly in trouble, and with the teacher who probably didn’t need to be a teacher anymore. So they thought they would do a better job. My dad worked full time initially so he was gone a lot. My mom tried to teach but she is not a teacher. She is an excellent scholar and does very well with knowing things. If you know things on the same level she does? Great to talk to and debate with. If you’re not there yet? Forget it, you’re going to have to find someone else to teach you. My sister required a lot more attention as she was the squeaky wheel - she wouldn’t read because she finds it incredibly difficult (I’m pretty sure we’ve got some level of dyslexia, and hers is worse than mine). She was very good at math though, which my mother loved because my mother loves math. She picked my mom’s favorite foreign language to learn because it was relevant to her own interests and my mom latched on. 

I could read 5 books in a week, write pages and pages of stories, and would research like no one’s business. But I could not figure out math, I wouldn’t put the research into a paper, my stories were not for parental consumption, and I didn’t want to read the books I was supposed to be reading (they were incredibly boring, I stand by my decisions). But none of this interested my mother except in telling me how I was failing, so I was left to my own devices, sitting alone in my bedroom surrounded by my schoolbooks and doing nothing I was supposed to. It was a very artistically productive time in my life. When I got a laptop later in my teens, forget school work at all, nothing got done. I technically did not graduate high school and I only “passed” the assessment tests because I test incredibly well.

So I was alone for a very long time during the day until “my” parent got home from work. Cause I was Dad’s kid and my sister was my mom’s kid, as described above. But I couldn’t get into computers and programming the way my dad wanted me to - my sister was actually into more of the same interests as him, but they Do Not get along. Yes present tense. They do well in short periods of time but they are not ever going to be close-close. My mom and I are cut from the same nerd cloth and I thought at one point I’d maybe found a way into her heart by starting her going to a local comic convention with me. We did an annual day out just the two of us for a good couple years. I think I learned something the one time she tried to bring my dad and sister with us (neither of whom was in any way shape or form excited about the endeavor, and in fact both hated it immensely). We stopped going as regularly after that and haven’t been back since. That...that one still hurts so I’m going to try not to pick open that scab right now.

I spent a lot of time alone. I was trying to figure myself out. I was about 16 when I realized I was not a Girl. I’m actually still fairly certain my initial assessment is correct and actually I am a guy. I just...can’t do anything about it right now and honestly I’ve gotten used to existing as I am so I’m just going to keep on keeping on. It might change again, it’s been known to do that. I don’t know if it’s a natural thing for me or if it’s something that is induced by outside stressors but I’ll just continue existing and we’ll see how it goes.

My mental illnesses were ignored for the most part. Teenage Angst was what my depression was, I’d grow out of it. Normal was what my anxiety was determined to be (hmm, my Super Anxious mother saying my anxiety is just normal life? sounds fake but okay). ADHD? That’s something that kids with less attentive parents have, and since mine were super attentive - I was being homeschooled after all - I clearly could not have that. Plus it was fake, and if I wasn’t so lazy and unmotivated I wouldn’t have a problem. Also I didn’t know anything about ADHD so that was definitely not something I had. The fact that I definitely wanted to kill myself and frequently wanted to die and didn’t think I’d live past 18? I didn’t talk about that. No one knew because depression wasn’t real and if I said anything I was just “crying out for help” and clearly that was only what whiny brats did when they felt the world wasn’t being handed to them on a silver platter. 

I self-harmed intentionally for the first time at 14. I have done so infrequently since then. When I reached drinking age, I developed a mild problem - but I didn’t think anything of it because it was encouraged and supported by my family who didn’t know I was using it to cope with the fact that I still felt like dying but now was older than I ever thought I’d be and didn’t know where my life was going. I used pot as a way to escape with my first IRL friend in 7 years. She used it against me as a way to make me easier to manipulate and keep complacent. I let her.

I spent 4 years in a weird haze of things I don’t really remember very well or remember extremely clearly. I was constantly anxious and upset, and I still felt like dying but at least I wasn’t alone anymore. She constantly berated my sister (which I hated and promised never to let anyone else do ever again - which I then broke later but, well, I’m going to be better now). My family didn’t like her, which she used to pit me against them saying they only wanted to isolate me from others again. This is the same time I came to Tumblr and started learning about abuse cycles and signs. It took me a while to stop only attributing them to the way my family worked (not always abusive) and start comparing the lists to her behavior towards me (usually abusive). 

I finally realized something was wrong with all of it when I was introduced to a group of people in whom I found several new family members. If you’re reading this, you’re statistically one of those people so you already know what I’m talking about. This ex-friend of mine introduced me to the group and I was shocked at how people could positively support one another and be genuinely interested in my health and wellbeing and also the things I enjoyed all at the same time.

I met a guy through them and with his support and everyone else’s I left the manipulation and abusive behavior of this ex-friend behind. The relationship with the guy lasted 6 months and honestly I’m impressed we got that far now that I think back on it (note to self, if he’s named himself after war machinery it probably won’t work very long). It was the longest I’d ever been out with anyone, my previous record being 2 weeks. 2 months after the end of that relationship and I met my now ex-partner.

I won’t rehash that disaster. It was 4.5 years of slow build up to the shitshow that actually started in December of last year and culminated in April of this year. He used the same tactics against me as my ex-friend did. Slowly pull me away from my support system (who I was already farther away from than I’d been with Her). Remind me that they’d hurt me and that their attempts to hold on to me were to keep me away from others. Hide that he was trying to do the same himself, isolate me from my support system and give me a support system that already backed him up and would side with him no matter what. Use physical intimidation (whether intentional or not he did it, and it was new so I wasn’t prepared) to remind me that I was not in any position of power. Berate my sister, avoid my family, use their attempts to show me that he was in the wrong to prove they were in the wrong.

I swear to god the very next time someone else calls my sister a bitch I am throwing hands and getting the fuck out immediately because I Will Not.

It’s happened twice now and I’ve let it happen both times. It’s not fair to her and honestly it’s not even true. She’s...difficult to deal with, and sometimes she does things in a manner that doesn’t...make much sense to me but she’s not a bitch. She’s a woman who is extremely opinionated and has very strong views on How Things Should Be. She’s not bigoted or hateful which frankly is a surprise considering our upbringing. But she’s not a bitch.

Speaking of our upbringing, I guess I should mention I was raised in a politically conservative, right-wing household. There are certain radio talk-show hosts whose introduction jingles make me think of summertime and relaxation because that’s when I’d be listening to them the most thanks to my mom always having them on the radio during their broadcast times. The Liberals (tm) were Bad and the Republicans were the only hope our country had. The Gays were an evil to be endured but god forbid they get any rights or freedoms, and also women are completely equal to men and racism was abolished before my dad was born so it’s fine now. 

We weren’t super Christian - not until later anyway. We went to church on Sundays, and even then Dad took several years off where he just never went to a service. We listened to Punk music and pretended we were on the right side of things, and sometimes we listened to heavier stuff because Satan was bad but not that bad and also probably not real because Christianity isn’t a big deal it’s just important because Reasons (tm). We only prayed before big holiday meals and even then it was more lip service than anything. A tradition of Things You Do. I had friends who were way more performatively Christian than my family and I didn’t really think anything of it.

Of course now my dad’s part of one of those neo-baptists mini-megachurch cults (my bad, I did introduce him to it after I spent a summer in Louisiana) and he’s become weirdly open to things like Neurodivergence and Mental Illness but has regressed on the trans* and gay issues to, like, all the way back: “He’s just confused why does any guy want to wear a dress” and “she’s got a wife and I guess that’s fine because she’s an alright person but gay people shouldn’t get married or exist”. I vaguely know their stance on reproductive rights because we never actually discussed sex despite my dad and I communicating frequently in bawdy jokes and quotes from movies I shouldn’t have seen as young as I was when I saw them, but I told them at one point I was on birth control and I think my mom had a mini aneurism because she just kind of froze for a minute. It’s definitely not a favorable view but I mean...I can’t convince them to care about people who aren’t them and who experience the world differently from them so I mean

Mm and they’ve recently become gun owners which was a surprise. We never owned a gun, we never really talked about guns or gun ownership except as a political thing. Dad kinda mentioned it a little bit sometimes? that he’d one day like a gun but it was always a distant future sort of thing. And now they both have concealed carry licenses, my mom has a purse with a hidden compartment and a lock, they go out to the shooting range for dates together, and my dad went on his first deer hunt this year for a work retreat thing (?????? don’t ask me, I honestly don’t know or understand why that was a thing). 

I held a gun one time and it was horrible and I hated it. It wasn’t loaded or anything but it was heavy as fuck and I was so uncomfortable I immediately handed it back as soon as its owner was done with whatever he was trying to prove to me (it was first boyfriend war machinery name guy...again, every time i look back at that relationship I still don’t know how we managed to keep our shit together for 6 whole months. it was not my best decision but considering the other decisions i’ve made regarding relationships, I suppose it could have been worse). 

Anyway, I forget where I was supposed to be going with all of this. I think I was just explaining that my feelings about my family are complicated and uncomfortable? And I think the main thing I got out of this (which is a good thing, don’t worry) is that I am not going to let anyone else in my life determine my relationship with my parents and my sister ever again and anyone who tries to manipulate that (even with good intentions, it’s still none of their business) is a bad fit for me and needs to go.

Oh yeah, I guess this is also me coming out to y’all who are reading this: I think I’m a guy. I’ll let you know if my pronouns or anything change but right now I’m pretty much still coming to terms with the gender bit. It’s been a while since I properly explored my gender shit so we’ll see how it goes.

[pllsetskyonice]

plisetsky answered:

Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky

2.3K

In which Yuri finds out that Otabek has a tumblr. 

AO3 link

We recently found out that Otabek is “well versed in all kinds of social media” and I am SHOOK. Somewhat inspired by the ask that altisetsky replied to, here’s the fic that no one asked for, but you’re all getting anyway.

cc: @otayuriwriterscollective

He doesn’t mean to pry.

Really, he doesn’t. But Otabek’s left his laptop open on the kitchen counter and it’s unlocked. Otabek is in the shower, so Yuri won’t be disturbed. It’s not like he’s going to go through his personal files or anything, but that’s unmistakably a tumblr dashboard, and Yuri is intrigued. The thought of Otabek having a tumblr is almost of ludicrous as Otabek DJing in his spare time, and – well. Now everyone and their mother has Otabek’s tracks downloaded on their Spotify or iTunes.

So he crosses the room and investigates.

-

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plisetsky

Ice Tiger of Russia

Posts                                     20,421

Followers                            26,342

Activity                                 _/¯¯¯

Drafts                                    3

Edit appearance

-

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Yuri mutters as he opens the blog in a new webpage and begins to scroll through the posts. It’s all him, all of it. There’s posts from his Instagram, official photos from competitions and aesthetic edits interspaced between countless answered asks. How hasn’t he come across it before, this blog that that seems to be the one stop shop for anything Yuri Plisetsky related? Admittedly it’s not like he frequents the fandom side of tumblr often, his own blog is mostly bands and aesthetic and cats, but still – how hasn’t he come across the blog that has his last name for its URL?

He can’t risk following it. However, Otabek has anonymous enabled on his ask box, so Yuri can still ask him stuff. This is going to be fun.

-

Anonymous asked:

Holy shit I’ve only just come across your blog and I AM IN LOVE

plisetsky answered:

Haha thank you! I hope you enjoy your stay :)

3 notes                #ask #anon

Anonymous asked:

How long have you been a fan of Yuri/been on tumblr? I’m curious!

plisetsky answered:

I’ve been a fan of Yuri ever since I was around 12 years old, and I started the blog when I was 13. I’ve been here a while – seen a lot of changes in that time and I even made the mistake of being online when the Mishapocalypse happened.

5 notes                 #ask #anon #i’ve seen some shit in my time let me tell you

Anonymous asked:

You were on tumblr when the mishapocalypse happened? You have been here a long time!

plisetsky answered:

Haha yes, those were dark times

3 notes                 #ask #anon

Anonymous asked:

Who did you kill for your URL like seriously HOW DID YOU GET IT??

plisetsky answered:

Taken from Q4 of my FAQ: How did you get this URL? I was simply lucky. I set this tumblr up in 2011, and was fortunate enough to find ‘plisetsky’ available at the time.  

4 notes                 #ask #anon #check the faq please

Anonymous asked:

I’m on mobile can you link me to your FAQ please?

plisetsky answered:

plisetsky.tumblr.com/faq

2 notes                 #ask #anon

-

plisetsky’s FAQ

Q1: What name/pronouns should we use to address you?

You can call me B. He/him.

Q2: Where are you from? What languages do you speak?

I’m from Kazakhstan, and can fluently speak Kazakh, Russian and English.

Q3: How old are you?

21

Q4: How did you get this URL?

I was simply lucky. I set this tumblr up in 2011, and was fortunate enough to find ‘plisetsky’ available at the time.  

Q5: How many followers do you have?

26.3k                                                                                        

Q6: Do you skate yourself, or are you just a fan?

I do skate myself, but I’m also a huge fan of the sport. And Yuri.

Q7: Does Yuri follow you?

Sadly not.

Q8: Do you have any other social media?

Not that I’m willing to share with you all, sorry.

Q9: Post a selfie?

No.

Q10: Are you single?

No, I have a boyfriend.

-

Anonymous asked:

So you’re 21, from Kazakhstan, you have a boyfriend and you skate, are you sure you’re not secretly Otabek Altin?

plisetsky answered:

OH NO MY TRUE IDENTITY HAS BEEN REVEALED WHAT DO I DO

8 notes                 #ask #anon #lmao I joke

-

icetiger + phichit-chu ··· ↘ X

icetiger

PHICHIT

PHICHIT

PHICHIT

I HAVE NEWS

phichit-chu

OOOOH WHAT IS IT?????

icetiger

Have you heard of the tumblr plisetsky?

phichit-chu

Yeah, I’m following it! Why?

icetiger

Well you’re not going to believe this

But

It’s OTABEK’S

phichit-chu

…WHAT

YOU’RE JOKING RIGHT?

YOU’VE GOT TO BE

icetiger

No

He left his laptop open on the kitchen counter and it was open onto tumblr and I don’t know what to do with this information

phichit-chu

I’M SHOOK

icetiger

ME TOO

phichit-chu

Wait.

I have an idea…

icetiger

Phichit no

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

Phichit

PHICHIT

FFS CHULANONT ANSWER YOUR FUCKING MESSAGES

-

phichit-chu

On How an FAQ Hides an Identity (OR: plisetsky is Otabek Altin and I’m going to prove it to you)

So I’m sure that anyone who’s spent a certain degree of time in the Figure Skating corner of tumblr has come across the blog plisetsky at some point. For those unfamiliar, it’s a Yuri Plisetsky appreciation blog run by some mysterious guy in Kazakhstan that never reveals much about his identity. However, I’m going to delve into the blog’s archives and dissect their FAQ to prove to you that this Mysterious Kazakh Guy that we all know and love is, in fact, none other than the world-renowned skater Otabek Altin.

After months of hiding their relationship behind closed doors, Otabek and Yuri finally told the truth about their relationship when Yuri posted this photo to Instagram last May. This was also the same time plisetsky posted a post titled Life Update: I have a boyfriend. His FAQ was also updated at the same time. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Question 1 of his FAQ says that we can call him “B”. Those close to Otabek call him Beka (Yuri is especially fond of the nickname) so it’s not unreasonable to suggest that “B” is a nickname of a nickname, so to speak.

He also states that he’s 21 in his FAQ. That’s the same age as Otabek.

He’s FROM KAZAKHSTAN and can fluently speak Kazakh, Russian and English (just like Otabek). I rest my case.

He skates, and once stated in an ask that he’s not overly fond of ballet. Sound familiar?

He’s a massive fan of Yuri.

He’s never posted a selfie, and refuses to whenever asked.

Likewise, he won’t share any of his other social media accounts. Otabek has an active presence on Instagram and Twitter and so on, and although it’s not unusual to keep your tumblr separate from the rest of the rest of your online presence (looking at you, fandom blogs), he’s always flat out refused to share any of his other social media accounts. For someone with over 26k followers, you’d think that creating another Snapchat or Twitter for online tumblr friends to follow you on wouldn’t be too much to ask: you’d be wrong. Whenever asked, he’s always said that he’s “too busy” or “can’t deal with the hassle” of creating other accounts. Or he’s too busy with training and even if he did create other social media accounts, his true identity would soon be revealed. Either or.

In response to ask, he said that he’s got two siblings. I’m not sure if this is common knowledge or not, but IRL, Otabek has two sisters. #otabekfactoftheday

Once, way back in 2014, he posted a photoset of some DJ decks with the caption “today’s work”. It mostly went unnoticed as the World Juniors happened later that day and the post was buried underneath photos of Yuri’s skating. That might have been deliberate, I don’t know, but either way, we all know that Otabek likes to DJ in his spare time.

Our online presences are strange in a way the world hasn’t seen before. You can make a Twitter account, call yourself Charlie and say you’re from LA when in reality you’re Alex from Luxembourg. Our online personas take years to perfect as we craft them into the best versions of ourselves, showcased through Facebook status updates, Snapchat stories and photos posted to Instagram. You can be whoever you want to be online, and whether it’s good or bad, the vast majority of your audience won’t be any the wiser. I could be reading into this far too much, but the possibility of plisetsky actually being run by Otabek is there and is a reality.

4,521 notes        #otabek altin #figure skating #conspiracy theory #please don’t take this too seriously lmao

otabekaltinn reblogged phichit-chu and added:

HOLY SHIT THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING WHY DID I NEVER THINK OF THIS BEFORE

4,527 notes        #FUCK ME #IF THIS IS REAL

katsukki reblogged otabekaltinn and added:

I CAN SEE IT I CAN SEE IT I WANT TO BELIEVE

4,538 notes        #this actually kinda makes sense tho ngl

plstsky reblogged katsukki and added:

@plisetsky you seen this?

4,547 notes        #b tell me this ain’t true #it can’t be #i can’t have been talking to otabek altin for months life is not that good

nikiforovik reblogged plstsky and added:

…no

what

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE

4,556 notes        #phichit I love you #but no #just no

-

icetiger + phichit-chu ··· ↘ X

icetiger

what have you done?

phichit-chu

a service :)

-

“So,” Yuri says as casually as he can as they have lunch, “I hear tumblr’s going a bit crazy at the moment. Something about some Yuri Plisetsky appreciation blog secretly being run by you?”

Otabek pauses with a piece of bread halfway to his mouth, his usual calm expression replaced by a mildly panicked one. “I left my laptop on the kitchen counter this morning, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” Yuri says, a grin spreading across his face, “you did.”

“You saw?”

“I saw.”

Otabek puts his bread down on the plate. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I understand if you find it weird. I’ll delete the blog if you want.”

“What?” Yuri asks. “I don’t want you to do that!”

“You don’t?” Otabek looks relieved, and Yuri can’t say he blames him. After all, it’s not every day that you’re told that your boyfriend has discovered the secret tumblr you’re running about how wonderful everything about him is. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. But I do think that you need to tell your followers the truth about who’s actually running the blog everyone seems to be following.”

-

You’re now following plisetsky. Want to get notifications when they post?

Post notifications are turned on for plisetsky.

-

plisetsky

I just updated my FAQ, I recommend that you go and check it out!

1,302 notes        #housekeeping #update

phichit-chu reblogged plisetsky and added:

@ all the people saying there was no way it was otabek how does it feel to be wrong let me know

1,398 notes        #i knew it was him lmao #yuri found out and told me

katsukki reblogged phichit-chu and added:

(via @phichit-chu) #i knew it was him lmao #yuri found out and told me

FUCKING WHAT

WHAT

1,413 notes        #BURY ME FOR I AM DEAD #DEAD #D E A D #RIP TO JEN

otabekaltinn reblogged katsukki and added:

HERE’S THE NEW VERSION OF HIS FAQ FOR EVERYONE WHO’S ON MOBILE OR WHATEVER:

Q1: What name/pronouns should we use to address you?

My name’s Otabek Altin. He/him.

Q2: Where are you from? What languages do you speak?

I’m from Kazakhstan, and can fluently speak Kazakh, Russian and English.

Q3: How old are you?

21

Q4: How did you get this URL?

I was simply lucky. I set this tumblr up in 2011, and was fortunate enough to find ‘plisetsky’ available at the time.  

Q5: How many followers do you have?

26.3k                                                                        

Q6: Do you skate yourself, or are you just a fan?

I do skate myself. I have medals from the Grand Prix Finals, 4CC, World Championships and the Olympics.

Q7: Does Yuri follow you?

Yes, he does.

Q8: Do you have any other social media?

Facebook: facebook.com/otabekaltin

Twitter: otabek-altin

Instagram: otabek-altin

Snapchat: otabekaltin

Q9: Post a selfie?

[Selfie of Otabek which shows his tumblr open on his laptop in the background]

Q10: Are you single?

No, I have a boyfriend, Yuri Plisetsky. (icetiger on tumblr, yuri-plisetsky everywhere else)

1,426 notes        #there you go folks #go wild

plstsky reblogged otabekaltinn and added:

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME I’VE BEEN MESSAGING OTABEK FUCKING ALTIN FOR MONTHS WHAT IS AIR

1,572 notes        #W HAT THE FU CK #I THINK I’M DEAD #DEAD #MY FUNERAL IS NEXT WEEK YOU’RE ALL INVITED SEE YOU THERE #CAUSE OF DEATH: OTABEK ALTIN

phichit-chu reblogged plstsky and added:

I’m still in shock ngl

1,654 notes        #it doesn’t feel real lmao

icetiger reblogged phichit-chu and added:

If you’re not following @plisetsky what r u doing with your life

1,723 notes       #in case you missed the memo it’s Otabek #GO FOLLOW HIM U WON’T REGRET IT

-

icetiger asked:

BEKA WHAT’S FOR DINNER I’M HUNGRY

plisetsky answered:

…you’re literally sitting a metre away from me why are you asking me over tumblr

12 notes              #ask #icetiger #WHY

icetiger asked:

THE INTERNET NEEDS TO SEE THE DOMESTICITY (I’m still hungry btw)

plisetsky answered:

Pretty sure the internet doesn’t need to see it but whatever we’re having pizza, I’ve already ordered and it’s on the way

14 notes              #ask #icetiger #are you happy now

icetiger asked:

SO HAPPY (but I’m still hungry have we got anything else I can have in the meantime *raises eyebrows in a suggestive manner*)

plisetsky answered:

YURA STOP I HAVE MINORS FOLLOWING ME ON HERE

54 notes              #ask #icetiger

icetiger reblogged plisetsky and added:

why u gotta spoil my fun like this

56 notes              #i’m joking btw #...mostly

otabekaltinn reblogged icetiger and added:

…is this real life am I actually witnessing this with my own two eyes

61 notes              #i cannot believe

plstsky reblogged otabekaltinn and added:

I do believe so but who knows I’m struggling to process this

65 notes              #what a time to be alive #i mean this is killing me but still

-

phichit-chu

[photo of Otabek and Yuri dancing together at a skating banquet]

@icetiger @plisetsky cuties!

6,514 notes        #yuri plisetsky #otabek altin #figure skating

plisetsky reblogged phichit-chu and added:

♥♥♥

6,523 notes        #yuri #beka #both

-

icetiger asked:

I love you. ♥

plisetsky answered:

I love you too ♥

73 notes              #ask #icetiger #♥♥♥

[uberchain]

Rewind 2017: Post-Thoughts

I flew back in from California a few days ago after the last stage of filming for Ready Up, and the first TF2 LAN of 2017. In the past live Team Fortress 2 events I have been privileged to have been flown out to - i55, Tip of the Hats 2015, DHW 2015, DHS 2016, i58, and Tip of the Hats 2016 - I’ve never felt post-LAN blues like the seventh event I’ve attended thus far. 

LAN, aside from a competition to see who is the best team out of all the teams competing in an equal playing ground, is a social gathering. A coming together of a community that has followed each other for a combined purpose. A forging of relationships with each other over a common passion, to know not simply players as players but players as people - as friends, as comrades, as partners, and as Redeye said: as family. This is something I would like to convey through Ready Up as we wrap up the filming stage and move forward into the editing stage from here on out. This is why me, Dashner, and Sideshow were flown out to Rewind.

Once it’s released, Ready Up may be my last major competitive TF2-related contribution. I’m in no rush to finish it, though. We’re going to take our time with it, most likely extending the date from early 2017 to late 2017 - we just want to make sure we do our best for our sponsor, the competitive community, and everyone who will watch. I am thankful for Dashner’s passion and knowledge for co-direction. I am thankful for Sideshow’s eloquence and confidence for co-interviewing. Both have taken time out of their jobs with OW for this.

I personally always want to show this community that they’re appreciated and loved, despite our differences and frustrations in how we view the same game we play. I work hard, because I feel like the community counts on me to deliver. I know I’m not obliged to do so, but I like to do so. I’ve been told numerous times that this in particular, this is not worth my energy. This is not worth my time for a community that in love is equal in hatred when you make a misstep. Some people have gone as far to tell me I’m clinically insane. These people could be right for all I care.

So what of my family then? The family one of the strongest figureheads in the esports community notices and praises fondly? When Dashner and I caught Redeye literally in the middle of ESL NY’s hallways amidst the tough and scary security, right outside the arena where the sound of matches bled out - standing in this hallway interviewing him then and there, we felt touched by his words. We were thankful for him remembering us past his stardom and status. Redeye has always tended to check in every now and again to smaller esports scenes, to see how they’re doing. It’s sweet and sincere, and knowing this was his nature made those words he gave us feel genuine to me.

ESA Rewind this last week was when I realized that I had said Ready Up would be my last major contribution to comp TF2. Like many others, bills are piling up. I owe debt. I’m rebuilding my design portfolio and figuring out the plan for 2017. There’s a lot of money I’ve invested into other future TF2-related projects I won’t ever see a return on from Valve or the TF2 community. I want to stay, but only if I can afford it (as do most sane people). As expected, the idea of never seeing my friends and family from here again is something I’m not readied up for.

Filming was wrapped on Friday after we arrived early for the European and Australian bootcamping and interviews, and B-roll was left to shoot on Saturday and Sunday, the actual game days. Dashner was manning the big guns for Ready Up (aka our expensive rentals), so I chose to focus on photo coverage for Teamfortress.tv. (There was a lack of photo coverage from i58 due to focus on Ready Up. I recruited Jasbutts and we went ham.) What I also chose to focus on was my international friends from Europe, and that’s when I got to learn more about Se7en.

Kaidus had approached me a while back to talk about his new organization and team he wanted to bring to America for Rewind, as well as future events and LANs. I recognized the Crowns champions, as well as my Full Tilt’s boys and the launching legend. He had named them Team Seven, a tongue-in-cheek response to the criticism Crowns Esports Club had faced back when Kaidus was more heavily involved in coaching it. 

I like the storyline FROYOTECH presented for this LAN’s victory: they came back from their 3rd Place slump at i58 and proved that they were still one of the strongest teams to be reckoned with. Habib’s mother was there, who kept asking Jasbutts about how the game worked as she spectated it, and finally watched her son win. Nursey has successfully shut up a good narrow-minded portion of the community and became the first female TF2 player to win an international LAN in the highest bracket. Paddie and Freestate finally became part of the FROYOTECH victory roster. 

As it usually goes, though, I root for the teams I’m asked to be involved with. This was on another level. I screamed my lungs out for Se7en. I knew their flaws and their criticisms. I didn’t care. It was like i55′s Ascent and i58′s Full Tilt. And some of these were Full Tilt. I liked Crowns way back then too. These were my boys. This was my team. I wanted them to win. This time, I knew their history and their players the most out of any team I had rooted for. European Prem TF2 was the scene I was watching the most at one point in my time here. FROYO got it in the end, and of course I didn’t want Se7en to lose, but I had a worse fear - I didn’t want them to leave. 

Again, coincidentally - Rewind was the seventh TF2 live event I flew out to. It might be the last TF2 live event I see them at too. I didn’t realize how much I actually gave a shit about this until it hit me, that this could be the last time I’d see them play TF2. It could be the last time I’d see them attend a LAN, or go pro in another game. CS:GO or OW, maybe? I don’t know, I want them all to keep going and not...disappear? Jasmine Tea is disbanding, one of them is going off to focus on school. That also hurt, it’s always amazing having the Australians at a TF2 LAN. Yet this one for Se7en, why? My colleagues & friends feel similarly, but it’s like why do we feel like that? People come and go all the time. And underneath it all, I’m just a fan who does more shit than I should out of my love for this game and this community. What worth is my opinion? 

Every time I run into Sideshow IRL, it’s uplifting to know he’s still around somewhere else. When we say our goodbyes, I usually make it a point to tell the dribbler, “let this not be the last time; we will see each other again”. It might be because we also cross paths in OW things, but it’s something I make a point to tell everybody in TF2 for my farewells, as an incentive. A promise. 

I went to Blizzcon. Aside from the interviews we got there, I’ve talked to the ex-TF2 pros who have fire re-lit in their eyes, who are being appreciated, rewarded, and shine on in OW. I can’t be upset. I too was treated very well by Blizzard while I was there, to the point of tears. I don’t want to be another one of those TF2 fans who wants to hold back somebody from moving on to other opportunities, or telling them not to quit. If it’s outside of their priorities, then I’m not important, and TF2 is not important. 

I understand more than ever after Blizzcon and Tip of the Hats when people need to go. There are other priorities in life. There are other things to pursue. This is why I remember telling him, “wherever your journeys may take you”. So why is it that - almost selfishly, as though I have rejected any concept of what I just learned about not holding people back, especially if I tell myself I have no significance to this player, this person I realized I ended up looking up to more than I thought - I wish I’d said, “please don’t leave yet”? 

And it went similarly for many other people that I realized that, how much I looked up to them as players and colleagues, then as friends and family - and it’s like...the idea I might never see these people represent again. That I might never see these people again. That sense of absolute finale, knowing that all things eventually come to an end; knowing that people that you are proud to say are part of your life, your passion, your hope, could be temporary due to the distances you might not be able to bridge...

That every farewell hug I shared, every departing Uber I waved at, even my own Uber I was escorted to by the last friend I’d see before my flight as he turned around and walked away while my car drove off - 

Fuck me, no. Not yet. It seems ridiculously melodramatic for real life. It’s almost laughable, the fact I haven’t learned. None of us have learned, to be honest. The idea of leaving for good, even on my end, never seeing those people again - I haven’t readied up for that at all. 

Rewind it all for me. Take me back, remind me of why we fight so hard to attend these things. Whether you’re a player, a former pro, a production crewmember, LAN organizer holy shit the LAN organizers, or a spectator. The post-LAN blues and the LAN high that just overwhelm any sense of practical reasoning you had. And then we end up going back when we thought we were out, and we don’t learn - because we love this game too much. We love each other too much. 

You desire the friendships and the relationships you’ve forged stronger together in the real world. Your heart aches to hear the laughter and see the smiles of the people you’ve befriended beyond the internet. You say shit like, “let this not be the last time, we’ll see each other again” so you can fight not just for the game, but for them. For your community. 

LAN, aside from a competition to see who is the best team out of all the teams competing in an equal playing ground, is a social gathering. A coming together of a community that has followed each other for a combined purpose. A forging of relationships with each other over a common passion, to know not simply players as players but players as people - as friends, as comrades, as partners, and as Redeye said: as family.