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levisolace · 6 months ago

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[3] Expendable Hearts (Levi x F!Reader)

Chapter 3: Ten Things I Hate About You

WC: 7,455 Chapter Warnings: flashback, drinking, college sassy levi, fluff? Summary: Everyone in Levi's life knows he only ever dated one girl and that she left him wrecked, bitter, and heartbroken. Many years later, she's back in his life and he doesn't know what to do. Note: Let's all pretend the update didn't take a year. I think this chapter can be read as a stand alone if you want to read college Levi. ^^

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You had a plan.

College means endless possibilities. College means that you’re free from your family. College means that you can finally focus on yourself. College means that you could finally make friends. To set this plan of making lifelong friendships in motion, you figured that the first step was to attend an actual party. A messy party with booze, beer pong, and unsupervised new adults like the ones you see in movies. The thought of it was enough to make you feel uneasy and dizzy enough to actually vomit before even stepping a foot inside the horrible place. But hey, it wouldn’t be so bad, right?

You’re in the middle of drinking (or at least pretending to) with a few fellow freshmen girls you met. They looked pretty. Really pretty. With luscious hair, long lashes, and glossy lips that were in contrast to the extent of how much you could fix yourself with a brush, a lip and cheek tint, and an eyebrow pencil.

You weren’t really following the conversation very much, just chiming in with a few words and chuckle here and there. They were talking about boys, a topic you were not excited for. You’re only here to make friends, you can’t fathom jumping to getting acquainted to testosterone-filled human beings so soon. That hasn't even crossed your mind.

A call to your name snapped you out of your worries. Your heart beats faster. Oh shit. They were gonna ask you something. Your relationship history, maybe? It’s fine. You can just say you haven’t dated anyone. It won’t be weird. A lot of people actually stay single throughout high school. So what if you’re a virgin? That’s a social construct. It’s fine. Yeah. Just act chill.

“What about you? What’s your type?”

Oh.

You chuckled awkwardly, eyes frantic and you held your canned beer tighter. You didn’t expect that question. This entire situation is beginning to feel like a job interview. Fuck. What is your type? Even you yourself don’t know that. Fuck. They’d find me weird if I say I don’t know or I haven’t thought about it, right?

You look around, looking at the men to decide right then and there what attracts you the most.

For fuck’s sake, just pick anything or anyone, you tell yourself.

And then you spot someone familiar. He’s standing against the wall, holding a cup to his chest, chatting with a guy much taller than him. From the looks of it, he isn’t enjoying the party that much. He was probably dragged along into it.

For reasons you don’t even know yourself, you panic and point to the steel-eyed man with the undercut.

��Him,” you raise your voice a little to make them hear you beyond the booming top hits music.

Levi Ackerman.

He was from your highschool. A famous slacker with high grades. Well, not as high as yours but given his misdemeanor and laziness, it’s actually commendable how he got into this university. You don’t actually like him like that. You barely even spoke to him. Just call it a moment of weakness—you panicked and pointed to the first familiar person you saw and that was him.

“Hm. He’s hot. A little on the shorter side but very hot.” One of the girls nodded and winked at you. You chuckled as a response and chugged down your beer in frustration. The alcoholic drink is bitter on your tongue. You don’t like it very much and you don’t understand the hype around the bitter drink but due to the lie you just spat out, you couldn’t help but feel thirsty.

Feeling someone’s eyes burning holes behind your head, you turned your head back in Levi’s direction. He was looking at you and your companions. From the looks of it, he had heard what your conversation was about. He pushed himself off the wall and you wondered what he’d do. Maybe he’d walk over to you and confront you about it?

Well, he didn’t do that. Instead, he did the most ridiculous thing.

Levi, that motherfucker, flipped you off and intentionally walked out of your sight with a pointed glare.

Fortunately, your potential friends didn’t see, having been too caught up in their next topic that you weren’t able to follow. Your mouth gaped open, shocked and offended at Levi’s reaction. A wave of embarrassment runs through you. Did you just get harshly rejected by that asshole? Was he like this to everyone who he hears has a crush on him? No wonder you didn’t hear anything about him dating back in high school. What an arrogant prick.

The rest of the first semester of University was easily spent out of the sight of the steel-eyed man. The university was big enough for the two of you not to cross paths. It wasn’t until you found a job in the middle of the semester as a server in a restaurant in Paradis that fate decided that Levi was to be thrusted into your life again.

Kuchel’s used to be a small restaurant famous in Paradis City.

Kuchel, the kind woman who owns it, was kind enough to hire you and treat you like her daughter. The work was tasking but it paid you enough to live well. Your grandmother’s savings could only take you so far and you had food, school supplies, and commute fees to worry about. Yes, you still lived with your grandmother. That was a choice. Your stupid father up and went when you started high school, disappearing to god knows where, leaving you in your grandmother’s care. Your grandmother was living well enough, not quite rich but had enough to be living in a small house in Paradis. She’s lived here all her life, generations of your family owning that lot and home. Even if she insisted that you try out the dorms, you still wanted to check up on her and just commute every day.

You loved your grandmother’s food but holy shit… Kuchel is amazing. Her food is to die for. A lot of big people in Paradis would come by and give pretty good tips.

The first time you saw Levi there, he greeted you with an insult to your cleaning.

“So, you’re the new hire. Ma should be thinking twice before hiring incompetent college students.” He said. He glanced under the counter of the cashier where you just finished cleaning, swiping his two fingers there. He then frowned at the thin layer of dust that coated the pad of his fingers, showing them to you after.

You froze by the doorway of the supply room but not because of his disappointment or his unprovoked insult. He had always been rude to you for some reason. You don’t know why and it bothered you to the core for some reason.

“Levi Ackerman,” you nod at him, intentionally ignoring his words. You got back to working, doing inventory of the supplies like you’re supposed to.

He states your name back and you were a bit surprised he knew it. You guessed it was because you were always top of the class. Still, he has a good memory, doesn’t he?

“You should know how to clean better.” He retracted back to his opening statement. You huffed, eyes only on your checklist.

“Duly noted, Ackerman,” you replied impassively, not sparing him another glance.

He didn’t reply after that, leaving to greet his mother inside the small staff room. His mother had warned you about this happening. She said Levi is unbelievably strict about cleanliness and if he ever comes by, he will definitely have something to say about your cleaning. You can get past him calling out your cleaning skills but to call you an incompetent college student? That’s just below the belt.

To make it short, the first few interactions you had with Levi Ackerman didn’t set you two up for friendship, much less a relationship.

It was only when you met Hange Zoe, the star-eyed girl from the Science department who often stopped by Kuchel’s to eat dinner. She’s one of your classmates in Philosophy class that would ask the most ridiculous (but valid) questions to the professor that never fails to make the class either curious or laugh.

Hange Zoe was a curious delight and you were only thankful that being friends with her only mainly requires listening to whatever she was working on at the moment. And you did… most of the time. What can you say? You were a good listener. In a short amount of time, you found yourself gravitating next to her more than the other people you were hanging out with. Hange just made you feel safe and content. The others were nice but with others, you felt like you were always on your toes, just constantly adjusting your personality to relate with them.

Hange began to have dinner with you during your break at Kuchel’s and if you two had time after, you’d study together too. Unlike you, Hange comes from a province with dreams of being a biologist. You never would’ve guessed as she seemed to be more adapted to city life than you who lived there all your life. When you told her that, she told you that she would often travel to see some few friends here way before college started.

Imagine your shock when the said friends dropped by one night at the restaurant.

Levi Ackerman and Erwin Smith sat in front of you at a booth one night, the former scowling at the confirmation that the girl Hange was meeting every night in his mother’s restaurant was indeed the annoying new hire. When Hange sensed the tension, she immediately nudged you and motioned to the two of you.

“Do you two know each other?” Hange asked, raising a brow excitedly.

Levi scoffs, as if offended. “No.”

“Yes,” you reply at the same time as him.

The tension only grew, the two of you glaring at each other like there were no other people sitting in your booth. There was no other person that ticked you off like the boy who had a perpetual scowl on his face. You still didn’t know why he’s so pissed at you since that incident at the party. Was it because your companions called him short? That wasn’t your fault. And it was kind of true, anyway. Not that you would say that to his face. His height, or anyone’s height, is the least of your concerns.

Smirking, you continued to piss him off. “He’s my crush.”

Hange gasped and Erwin, the tall blonde stranger, stared at Levi in amusement.

“Shut up.” Levi almost raised his voice in a rush to shush you. His face became red at his friends’ stare as he sent a dagger to your face while leaning a little bit, making you softly get out a short laugh.

“I’m kidding. Not anymore. He rejected me.” You tease him further, spewing some half-truths to keep them intrigued.

“What? Levi!” Hange reached over to smack his arm lightly. Erwin was laughing now, shaking his head. Even in amusement, you realize poise is instilled in him.

“I said shut up,” Levi repeated, an embarrassed blush tinting his cheeks as he crossed his arms. “Tsk,” he adds, looking away from you.

You shrug. “Well, it’s fine. Really,” you tell the other two at the table. Levi grunted and turned his head to the side, muttering something inaudible to anyone. You paid it no mind, wanting to chat up the other guy at the table.

“So, Erwin,” you change the topic to learn more about the blonde who had an incredibly straight posture. Seriously, the moment he sat down, towering over you even when seated, your body felt the urge to snap your spine into a straight line and correct your irreparable slouching.

With one question, you had Erwin talking about his academics and achievements. You were instantly captured by how he presents himself. He’s everything you wanted to be. Confident, smart, and approachable. You couldn’t help but be like a moth drawn to a flame. You wanted to know more about him. You wanted to be just like him.

Before you knew it, the dinners with Hange and her best friends included lunches too. Then, it extended to hang outs in and outside campus. Eventually, the four of you were inseparable. The newest member of the university-wide student council, the crazy biology student, the short handsome grumpy campus crush, and you.

“Levi!” Hange hollered, skipping while hand in hand with you.

“Babe!” You waved at Levi who was already scowling at the sight of you two. The crush thing eventually became an inside joke in your friend group with you constantly flirting with Levi in hopes of seeing his flushed but annoyed face.

The university Christmas celebration is an end-of-the-semester celebration. It’s a tradition that the school is famous for. The hottest artists in the country are invited, booths of food and stores are invited in, and the best thing? It’s exclusive to the students and alumni of Paradis University only.

The first Christmas festival at Paradis University, you spent it with your new friend group.

When the two of you reached the pair, Erwin wrapped his arms around you in a friendly manner when he greeted you while Hange forced Levi into a hug. You don’t do the same. Only Hange can do that to Levi because literally no one can stop the girl. You give Levi a nod when you pull away from Erwin’s hug.

“Hey, babe. Looking good.” You greeted Levi while your eyes went over his outfit. He wore a long sleeved turtle neck, a gray flannel, and slacks.

“Tch.” He looks away uncomfortably, pink tinting his cheeks and the tip of his nose caused by the cold and your teasing.

The festival was as fun as the upperclassmen said it would be. You tried the fake tattoos, the snacks, and even got glow sticks as bracelets. (Hange had to force the bracelet on Levi’s wrists.)

As the night fell, the four of you were cramped with the other students in front of the stage because Hange insisted that she just had to see her favorite band nearby, much to Levi’s protests.

You could easily be relaxing on a picnic mat still on the field but a little further away from the stage. Instead, you and Levi are squished together, no space between the two of you as the most awaited local pop band starts their set. Erwin and Hange were somewhere in front of the two of you, the taller two of your friend group probably had worked their way to the front of the crowd much easier. They unintentionally left you and Levi together amidst Hange’s effort to push herself through the crowd while using Erwin as a blocking sled.

Somewhere at the start of the set, you notice Levi’s irritation. He isn’t really enjoying the lack of space. A little bit concerned, you leaned over to his ear.

“Hey! You alright?” You asked, raising your voice so he could hear you over the booming music of the speakers. He turns his head, flinching to find your face so close to his but he calms immediately.

“I’m fine,” he responds though his nostrils are flaring and his eyes are frantic, looking around the crowd. The rock band was starting to play their best streamed song and before they did, they asked the people to jump to the music when they asked to.

You looked around, there was more crowd coming and you were near the stage already. Leaving now would be impossible.

“Loosen up! It’s gonna be fine,” you tell him so he could relax. It was simple advice from a friend to a friend, if that’s what you two even are.

Without thinking too much about it, you grabbed Levi’s hand. “Hey! Jump with me so we won’t lose each other.” You tell him, closing your fingers around his palm. He stares at you with wide eyes but the crowd screamed, distracting you to look at the stage before you can say anything else.

He didn’t protest and clasped his hand around yours too. As the chorus part of the song came on, you found yourself jumping with the crowd while holding Levi’s hand. It was a fun mess. You haven’t had fun like that ever. You moved with the crowd, not even minding that Levi wasn’t jumping with you.

In the back of your mind, you feared that you’ve gone too far by holding his hand. But you were having too much fun and if he didn’t want to, he could easily let your hand go. Besides that worry, there’s also this warmth creeping from your stomach to your cheeks as you raved with the crowd, singing along to the song. You couldn’t look at Levi. You don’t know why. You spared him a few glances but he was only staring ahead, a small smile on his face. He doesn’t seem to be as uncomfortable as earlier.

When the band finished the song, the adrenaline dwindled down and you were heaving. You laughed and finally worked up the courage to look at your companion to check on him, your hands still clasped together. Just as you turned your head, ironically, the band started playing their famous slow love song and as the first line of the lyrics dropped, your eyes landed on him.

He was already looking at you.

His stare held yours in place, making you freeze in time.

Side by side, you stand next to each other. The first thing you noticed is how his silver eyes sparkled under the moonlight and the glowing lights. The next thing is how his face uncharacteristically softened and relaxed, the creases on his forehead were absent and his mouth was no longer pressed into a thin line. Instead, his pink lips were slightly parted.

Everyone around you seemed to blur. The loud music from the speakers was drowned out in your brain. You could only stare at him. It’s as if you two are actually seeing each other for the first time. And you are.

Your cheeks heaten up as the weird feeling in your stomach is something you finally identify as butterflies.

“Y-you okay?” You leaned to his ear as you were finally able to gather yourself.

When you look back into his eyes, he doesn’t say anything. He only nodded, clearing his throat and looked back at the stage.

As the band continued their set, he never let go of your hand. You didn’t either. Even when the band moved on to their livelier songs, you moved with the crowd with Levi still holding your hand. Even when the crowd loosened up, the two of you never moved away from each other, keeping the small distance between the two of you.

When the set of the band came to an end, Hange and Erwin quickly found you two. And as if there was a gravitational pull, it was like the two of you never shared an odd moment of intimacy.

Glancing at Levi as Hange spoke about how the lead vocalist shook her hand, you take a glance at Levi who was doing anything to avoid your eyes. He’s looking around again. Probably to see if he can squeeze his way out of the crowd now.

“Oh—oh! There you two are! We should take a picture!” Hange jumps in excitement, not even noticing the tension between the two of you. She had already put up her camera, waiting for the three of you to pose.

You looked up and threw up a peace sign, smiling sweetly. Hange was in front, holding up the camera. Erwin was behind her a little. To compress, you shift closer next to Levi who was next to Erwin. When Hange was one second away from clicking, Erwin took it upon himself to wrap his humongous arm around the two of you, his hand landing on your shoulder and pulling you even closer to Levi, making your face squish to Levi’s.

As the picture clicked, Levi wasn’t subtle with his protests, his palm pushing up Erwin’s chin to push him away and letting the two of you go.

“Nobody cares about fucking personal space out here,” he muttered. You only chuckled, looking over Hange’s shoulder to see the picture.

The picture that came out was funny. Levi was clearly uncomfortable with how your cheeks are squished together. He was in the middle of cringing, face scrunched up in disgust. On the other hand, your eyes are wide in surprise and about to gasp. Hange and Erwin were grinning wide and unbothered. You liked it but you wouldn’t admit that.

“What the hell. Let’s take another one! I look like shit,” you complained.

You took another one with the four of you. This time, it was simple. Erwin held up the camera, making the angle much further than the last. There was no need to squeeze together. (Not like there was a need earlier. Erwin’s just a dick.)

“That’s better,” you say. You can’t wait to show it to your grandmother.

“Yeah, only if someone would wipe that frown from his face.” Hange side-eyed Levi.

And then an idea popped into your head. You can take pictures with them individually. That would be fun to show to your grandma. She’s been dying to get to know your friends.

“Hange, we should take a picture!” You ask her and Hange squealed a yes, pushing Erwin to take the picture for you who happily obliged, even holding up Hange’s camera like a father with both hands on the horizontally angled device, leaning forward with his ass in the air.

Hange put her arms around you and you did the same. You pressed the side of your foreheads together. With your free hands, you both put up a thumbs up. Then a heart. Then a peace sign.

After multiple pictures with Hange, you asked for one with Erwin too. The taller man put his arm around your shoulder and you slid your arm around his waist. As you successfully dragged the two to a picture with you, your eyes shifted to Levi who was watching by the side. You give him a look.

“Fuck no.” Levi told you, moving away when you got closer to him.

You frowned, grabbing his arm to pull him back. “Come on! Consider it my Christmas gift from you.”

“I wasn’t planning on giving you anything,” he grumbled.

Hange was already ready to take the picture. Realizing it’s better to be over with it before Levi runs away again, you posed. You don’t put your arms around him or pull him closer, afraid that he might not appreciate the lack of personal space. Instead, you decided to stick with smiling and forming half a heart with your hand. Levi doesn’t complete it, of course. He crossed his arms, glaring at the camera when it clicked.

That photo was the first photo you had with Levi Ackerman. And that same photo was framed and is now somewhere in a box that’s hidden deep in your closet.

As you get ready for work the next morning, you stare at the stack of boxes in your closet. Right at the bottom of it lies a memory lane you haven’t traveled in forever. You couldn’t. Not anymore.

With a heaving sigh, you close your closet door and head over to work.

Work was okay enough. You can definitely see yourself working with ODM for a long time. If you can patch things up with Levi, maybe you can accept the regularization offer without any guilt. If that doesn’t happen, you can just ignore each other or go back to Trost. You’re sure you can work something out to have Vanessa accept you again.

You do not like Levi Ackerman.

How could you? He’s grumpy. He’s rude. He’s lazy unless he’s cleaning. He doesn’t have any dreams. How could you like someone like him?

However, ever since you got home after the christmas university event, you couldn’t stop thinking about him. You couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked under the moonlight. The way it hit his gray eyes and how his cheeks looked so soft. You couldn’t stop thinking about him and how the two of you never spoke about that moment you shared back there. There was definitely something different in the air that night. Yeah. That must be it. It was probably the lack of space and oxygen that made you believe the funny feeling in your stomach are butterflies.

So, no, you do not like Levi Ackerman. Not like that anyway. Maybe you’re finally seeing him as a friend? Besides, if you’d have a crush on a friend, it’d be Erwin.

“Whatcha thinking of, Greenie?” Hange asked as she plopped herself on the couch next to you, handing you a cup of a drink they mixed. You’re at some party hosted in a club a little bit away from campus. You should probably be doing better things than attending a christmas frat party but somehow, Hange dragged the three of you along “for the experience,” as she said.

“Nothing,” you reply, sipping from the red cup. You immediately winced, contemplating whether to spit the drink out or swallow it. You went with the latter but not without making a disgusted face. “Fuck. What’s in this?”

“I mixed it,” Hange laughed maniacally.

Your mouth parts as you look at her and you nod. That makes sense, you think. You look down at the color of the drink, unable to identify just what color it is under the lighting of the party. “This shit’s fucking poisonous, Hange. Were you planning to kill me?”

“Yeah, drop that. Here.”

Levi suddenly appears with Erwin, standing next to you and handing you a can of a fruit flavored beer.

Like a dumbass, your mouth gaped and your cheeks heated up, realizing that he’s finally here. You accept the cold beverage, not missing how your fingers lightly grazed his.

“Thank god,” you grumbled, setting down the cup on the side table of the couch.

“Hey, there was a free table of alcohol! Sorry, I got too excited.” Hange says and drinks from her cup, somehow finding it bearable, knowing her, maybe even delicious. You cringed at the sight until Levi pushed her forehead up with a finger, pulling her mouth away from the drink.

“This is a frat party, Hange. God knows what they put in there. Only get your own sealed drinks. Preferably bought by our group.” Levi scolded and snatched the cup away from Hange. He picked up yours too and walked away.

Hange pouted beside you and stayed silent. No one said anything because it wasn’t too long until Levi came back, no longer holding the cups. He must’ve thrown them away properly.

You feel that odd feeling in your stomach again. He might’ve looked annoyed—maybe even belittling but the worry in his face is evident. There’s this… safety that you feel the more you hang out with him. A feeling of being cared for that made you feel comfortable, a state that you find both refreshing and uneasy.

Suddenly, Levi pushed you sideways, forcing you to scoot and let him sit. You glared at him but gave him space, anyway. He sits down, the space only enough for your thighs to touch. His denim pants are rough against your bare legs that were exposed by the skirt you were wearing.

“Hello to you too,” you told him off and he ignored you, looking around the club. Erwin perched his ass down at the edge of the couch right on the hand rest, loosely wrapping an arm around Levi’s shoulders.

“Should we do shots?” Erwin asked suddenly, looking at the three of you. You shake your head.

“I saw the menu. One bottle of vodka is my salary at Kuchel’s for a damn week.” You’re not gonna waste your money on alcohol. Though you have to admit that it’s one thing you want to try at least once in your life.

“It'll be my treat,” Erwin suggested and Hange immediately hollered and shouted a yes to Erwin. You couldn’t reject it anymore.

Erwin ordered for the four of you. A little later, he comes back with the bottle of tequila along with four shot glasses, some lemon and salt. Honestly, why did the four of you go here if you’re just going to drink with one another? You could’ve easily done this somewhere quieter where you don’t have to watch the girls eyeing Erwin and Levi like a hawk.

You couldn’t blame them. They looked dashing. When Hange told you that she got an invite to the club, she pressed that all of you should dress up.

Erwin wore a simple long sleeve white shirt with a few buttons opened at the top paired with washed blue jeans. His hair is subtly gelled, only messed up in a way that looks good but still evidently styled. Levi wore something similar with a darker shade, a long sleeved black shirt and black jeans. Only two of his buttons are opened, showing off his collarbones and the soft pale skin underneath the material of his shirt. His hair is fixed the same way he always does. But his undercut never failed in any look.

You heard a few girls giggling when they passed by your table. Some even winking at your male companions. Some even at Hange (who winked back delightly). She looked both beautiful and handsome at the same time.

Three shots after, you were definitely feeling the alcohol in your system. The lights in the club do nothing to help the state of your head. You decide to slow down, refusing any shot offered to you.

A few people Hange, Erwin, and Levi knows approach the table. You’ve already known them to be Miche and Nanaba but you never really hung out with them before. They were there to ask if the four of you wanted to join them on the dance floor and rave along with them.

“I’m fine here,” Levi rejected the invitation. You look at him. Hange and Erwin already agreed and went. That leaves you and Levi together, still being persuaded by the new pair.

“Oh, come on, grumpycakes. It’s almost your birthday! Let loose!” Nanaba whined and your eyes widened, staring at her.

“Birthday?” you asked then looked at Levi. “It’s your birthday?”

Levi groaned and threw his head back. “Look what you’ve fucking done, Nanaba.” He then looks at you and deadpanned. “No. It’s not today.”

“It’s on Christmas!” Miche chimed in, laughing and patting Levi on the back.

Your mouth dropped at the information. “Your birthday is on the 25th?”

“No.”

“Yes.” Miche answered for him.

“Levi here hates celebrating his birthday. He thinks it’s awkward and unnecessary.” Nanaba adds.

“Wow.” You couldn’t help yourself but say it, grinning. “You literally have the same birthday as the lord and savior himself and yet you don’t have a single kindness in your body.”

The entire table laughs. Miche pats you on the head. “I knew I liked you, Greenie. You sure you don’t want to hit the dance floor with us?” He invites you.

Before you could reply you hear Nanaba try and persuade Levi again to get off his ass.

“Come on, Levi. Petra’s there.”

You froze, your head turning to your left where Levi sat. His eyes are wide and his lips are parted, redness tinting his cheeks. Then, he sees you staring and his face drops, his expression clearly showing he’s uncomfortable. Whoever this Petra is, he’s not fond of you knowing about her. But why? And who is she?

“Oh! Yes! I saw Petra too. You have a crush on her, don’t you?” Miche adds in.

“F-Fuck you.” Levi could only stammer out, looking away from your gaze as you look at him with a bewildered expression. If you were in an unfazed state, you would’ve already said something to annoy Levi. But for now, all you could do was try to get the words you heard past the alcohol and into your system.

Crush. He has a crush.

A sinking feeling rambled in your chest and you got the urge to grasp at your chest. Oh. Fuck. Why do you feel like crying? Why is there literal and physical pain in your heart right now?

You tuned out anything they say, only seeing Nanaba point at someone in the middle of the club. She’s pretty. Short haired and ginger. She’s with her girl friends, singing and dancing along to the music with them.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Jealousy.

Shit.

You like Levi?

Oh, fuck.

You like Levi.

It was getting suffocating. You didn’t know what to do. So you stood up.

You don’t say anything. You just downed another shot of tequila, got on your feet, and headed over to where Hange is. Hange cheered when she saw you and spun you around. The crowd wasn’t as suffocating as the realization of your feelings for Levi—your unrequited feelings for Levi.

You went along with whatever Hange was doing, screaming along the lyrics of whatever was playing. Closing your eyes and letting the alcohol and flashing lights lose your senses, moving your hips to the rhythm.

As you were dancing, your mind drifts back to the concert and how intimate it felt to you. To you. How stupid were you to give meaning to something so… nothing?

As you try your best to distract yourself, you bump into someone. He’s tall and you laugh and say sorry. He looks down at you and smirks, lightening up when he sees your face.

“No. It’s my fault. Sorry!” He replied, shouting and leaning to your ear so you could hear him over the music.

“It’s fine!” you shout back at him and flashed him a smile.

“You from Paradis U?” He shouts again and you nod.

“Yeah. You?” He nods.

You exchanged names. His name is Gian and he’s a second-year engineering student. He’s good looking and tall, definitely more than 6 feet. Fair skinned with long dark hair tied up in a manbun, revealing the multiple piercings on his ears. He’s wearing a simple and fitted black shirt and jeans, showing off the muscles of his biceps. Everything is telling you that he’s bad news but you don’t seem to care at the moment. Besides, he might not be interested in you anyway.

You introduce him to Hange and he happily gets to know her. Somehow, Nanaba and Miche but without Levi. You badly want to look at the table you left, eyes always seeming to look for him everywhere. However, you know better than to see he’s not there and already spending time with the redhead he has a crush on.

“Hey,” Gian leans into your ear again. “You have a boyfriend or something?”

A little shocked and curious why he would ask that, you leaned in to ask. “What?” you shout over the music.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Gian repeated, louder this time with his face over yours after he said the words so he could see your reaction. It seemed to please him when your face flushed red.

“Oh! Yeah. I mean, no. No. I’m single.” You curse yourself at your stammering response.

Great, I must have looked like a total loser when I opened my mouth.

A little panicked because this is the first time someone showed their interest to you this way, your eyes looked for Hange for help. When you do, you see her throwing you a thumbs up while Nanaba silently cheers you on with her fists. You even see her mouth what seems to be like a ‘Go get it, girl!’.

He pulls himself closer to you and leans into your ear, this time he doesn’t shout because his lips were close enough to kiss your ear but not quite touch.

“That’s good because I think you look really hot in your skirt,” he whispered, lips almost kissing your ear. His voice, rough and deep, sent chills down your spine and parted your lips in anticipation for the attention he’s giving you.

The back of your mind is screaming a name, hoping you would see him—hoping he would see you. But you know that now, it’s impossible. He doesn’t want you like that.

So you pull yourself closer to the named stranger, your bodies flush against each other. A stray hand presses down on your back, sliding down to your behind where it squeezes, making you gasp.

“Oh!” You didn’t really expect that he would touch you like that.

Gian’s hand inches away from you in less than a second like it was scorched by fire, face laced with embarrassment and apology. “Sorry, too far?”

You were unfamiliar with being touched like that but everyone around you seemed to be getting it on. Looking around, the people on the dance floor were doing worse. It’s a place where people go to do things like this, you should let loose.

“No, no,” you answer quickly. “It’s fine. Just surprised me s’all.”

The man in front of you let out a breath of relief and continued roaming his hands around your body, his face buried in your neck. You were relaxing into it, trying to appease yourself in this type of closure.

“Greenie.”

Your head whipped around to the deep voice calling you. Levi stands there, not too close but even your company could feel the threat looming in his impassive cold stance. It was enough to make you keep a distance with Gian as if you were doing something wrong.

“Levi,” it came out more of a whisper. You weren’t even sure if Gian even heard it.

The silver-eyed man steps closer this time, maybe so you can hear him. “Erwin is not feeling well. I think we should go. Where’s Hange?” He looks around the crowd, looking for Hange. Or avoiding your eyes because of the lie.

You found that hard to believe because it’s Erwin. That man never gets sick. His daily vitamins and supplements are scheduled and he holds his alcohol really well. Maybe the best drinker out of the four of you.

“Oh,” you choose to believe anyway. “I guess we should. Uhm…” You face Gian. “I’m sorry. This is my friend, Levi.”

Gian doesn’t hide the disappointment in his face but smiles anyway. “Don’t even worry about it. Sup, bro? I’m Gian.”

Levi only nods in acknowledgement, nothing ill-mannered when it comes to him. He always acts this way with every new person he meets.

“I guess I’ll see you around, Gian.” You smile up at him. Before he can respond, the crowd fills up more as the DJ puts on a popular club song, pushing Levi to you. Discomfort creeps into Levi’s face and unconsciously, he reaches for your wrist for some familiarity.

“Let’s go,” he says with an irritated look on his face.

“Wait.” Gian places a hand on your shoulder. “You’re on Facebook, right?”

You nod and before you can say anything else, Levi was already dragging you out of the crowd. You hear Gian shout out a follow that he’ll find you there before looking at the man ahead of you, holding your wrist tightly but not so much that it hurts.

As you follow Levi, you pass by your table where you see a very much sober-looking Erwin who stared into your eyes knowingly with a smirk and his arm around a girl’s shoulder you don’t know. Hange can’t be found anywhere. Miche and Nanaba as well. It didn’t look like the group was getting ready to leave at all.

You try and tug your hand out of his grip, protesting as you walk through the night club. When you finally reach the outside of the club, the cold air hits your skin, setting goosebumps all over. Levi finally lets go, his back still turned to you.

“What the hell is going on, Levi?” There’s a slight shiver to your question, your arms coming up to protect yourself from the cold.

He doesn’t turn around, standing still in front of you.

“Hey—”

“Let’s go home.” He turns without looking at you, attempting to walk off without even uttering an explanation as to why he insists that the two of you go home.

Unwilling to accept his orders, you huff and grab him by the shoulder, halting his steps. “I am not going home! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Then go back inside. Fuck!” He shrugs your hand off his shoulder, glaring at you for a second before looking away again. This is a mood from Levi you can’t read. You’ve seen him annoyed. You’ve seen him irritated. You’ve even seen him happy. But this one, you can’t understand. And you have a feeling that it’s because of you. And that sets an uneasy feeling in your chest. Levi and you always fight but he was still a friend.

“What’s gotten into you, Levi?” Your voice softens, as if cowering. It must be the alcohol (or that poison drink Hange gave you) in your system that had your walls down for a moment. Levi has also never seen you like this. It’s without doubt that his sudden attitude scared you.

“It’s…” He paused. The thought of scaring you made him clear his thoughts a little. He doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. “Nothing.”

You weren’t satisfied with his answer, you made sure he gets that with your answer. “It’s not nothing.”

“Why do you hate me so much?” The softness of your voice surprised him, it’s far from your usual behavior with him. It’s like you were baring yourself, the alcohol you guess is doing the work.

There is deafening silence for a few seconds, the cold doing nothing to help the situation. He takes a step closer, brows furrowed and a frown painted on his face.

“I don’t hate you.” He hissed, as if you said something offensive to him.

Your jaw clenched, biting your words in frustration. “You do!” You keep the distance closer. “You hate me because I’m not well off. Like I’m not fucking worthy of your time because I don’t come from money like you.”

“That’s not at all true,” he argues, equally frustrated now. “Is that what you think of me? A pompous elitist?”

No, I don’t think that. Maybe at first… but not anymore.

“Yes.”

“Well, you’re fucking wrong,” he blanks. “You know what? I do hate you.”

“I fucking hate you,” he repeats. “I’ve hated you since high school. It was awful. Seeing you try so hard, not making friends, and ignoring everyone who tries to get close. It was fine, really. I didn’t care. That’s your shitty life. And then you get here. And suddenly you’re in my life trying to be someone else. You get to my mom, my friends, my home. It’s so fucking annoying.”

You’re stunned. Somewhere, somehow, you hear your heart breaking from a distance. For the second time that night, your chest tightens, but for a different type of pain. A pain that didn’t feel good as realized earlier.

“I fucking hate you.” As if it wasn’t enough, he repeats it.

“I…” He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. “I fucking hate that you’re in my head. All the fucking time.”

“You’re making me so insane that I just wish that you would stay away from me,” he ranted, eyes still closed so tight that his brows furrowed and forehead wrinkled. You can see how his cheeks and ears are red, blazing from intense cold or emotion. You weren’t sure.

“But I… don’t really want you anywhere else.”

The sound of your phone buzzing pulls you back to reality. Why now of all times were you reminiscing about how you and Levi came to be? At corporate lunch time at that.

You reached for your phone, seeing a text from Hange. She was trying to schedule you with a tailor to have the bridesmaid dress of the girl who canceled refitted to your body. You send her your schedule, not having a lot of time left on both the wedding and your time availability.

After a few minutes, you received a text back from Hange.

Great! I scheduled you on Sunday, 10AM! Levi will pick you up and come with you. Love ya!

Oh, Hange. I’m gonna fucking kill you.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi ackerman angst #levi ackerman x reader #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan fanfic #levi imagine #levi ackerman x you #levi ackerman fluff #levi fluff #i recently ghosted a guy in a similar context #i wrote again to cope #also i miss levi

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genderkoolaid · 1 year ago

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can you stay on t and get pregnant / carry a child safely? i thought you could but then i read a thing saying you can’t and now i’m not sure whether it is fearmongering or not

Honestly, we know very little about pregnancy and testosterone levels (in no small part because of transphobia and intersexism). As of right now it's generally not encouraged to carry a child while on T although you can get pregnant while on it. That being said, there IS a lot of fearmongering about pregnant trans men "poisoning their children!!!!!!" even if those trans men aren't even on T during their pregnancy. If you see someone making it out to be literally poisoning the fetus & generally being extremely dramatic about pregnant trans people, they are likely not a trustworthy source of info on this topic.

#m.#ask box

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sl-newsie · 3 months ago

Text

American Woman (Thomas Shelby x American OC) Ch. 39: Reminiscing Heartbreak

Masterlist: https://www.tumblr.com/sl-newsie/739551758747090944/american-woman-thomas-shelby-x-american-oc?source=share

By the time I drive into Birmingham it’s nightfall. It’s no secret that there are Peaky Blinders following me because they’re as discrete as peacocks. I park the car and walk up the path to Ada’s house, spotting Karl in the window waiting for me. The door opens and Ada welcomes me with open arms.

“It’s so good to see you! You definitely need a break from all that testosterone.”

I let out a cross between a laugh and a groan. “Now I understand what you Shelby women go through when men get injured in battle. Every time I checked on Thomas I feared the worst.”

She pulls me into the warm house and leads me to the parlor. “Enough talk of that. Tonight is about us girls, eh? Oh, and Karl too, of course. I sent him to play upstairs.”

“Where’s Polly?”

Ada smirks and lounges on the couch. “Out to see her new portrait. I practically had to kick her out to go have a date for once.”

It’s good to hear she’s finally having a life outside of work! But if I know Polly her son isn’t far away. She clings to him like a mother bear.

“Michael?”

Ada jerks her head. “Asleep across the hall. I think. So...” Her face changes to one itching to talk gossip. “What are my brothers up to now?”

I sigh deeply and sink into my own seat, my head leaning back to stare at the ceiling. “Lord if I know. Might all be off fucking somewhere.” My voice shifts to a quieter tone. “Do you- Do you miss that, Ada?”

The question surprises her. “Sex?”

I swallow my nerves. “Yes.”

She thinks for a minute. “Actually… no. Karl is all I need. I’m a mother, and now an official employee of Shelby Company Limited.” She pauses to look at me. “You’re still a virgin, eh?”

I scrunch my eyes together bashfully. “Yes. And sometimes I feel completely out of place here. I am no holy woman but sometimes I feel as if I’m a nun compared to those brutes. Oh, here.” Before my nerves can wipe my mind clean I hold up the basket I’m holding. “I didn’t know if you’d eaten yet so I brought food.”

Ada claps in delight and jumps up to grab some plates. “Would you like a drink? Wine, rum?”

A drink right now sounds heavenly. “I’m beginning to test wine. Do you have any whiskey?”

Ada rolls her eyes and points across the room. “In the cupboard. God, between you and Michael it’s like Tommy’s trying to get you both hooked on it.”

Eureka! A fresh bottle. I pour a small glass and take a sampling sip. A twitch of homesickness tugs at my heart. Still not as good as vader’s whiskey. It’s been so long since I last saw the streets of Brooklyn. I swear if I stay longer moeder’s going to sail straight over and reprimand me herself.

“Since Tommy’s better now, are you going back to the office?” Ada asks.

I huff a sarcastic laugh. “If I do, Esme's hormones will kill me. Were you like that when you were pregnant?”

The Shelby sister chuckles. “You saw me. I’d eat complete garbage and then throw it up. But I never felt trapped like Esme does.” She takes a sip of wine. “Do you plan on traveling, then? After all, if you're going to work with foreign relations then you need to be elsewhere besides Arrow House.”

“That is true.”

“Now back to sex,” Ada states bluntly and looks right at me. “Do you want it?”

My throat tightens and I almost forget how to breathe. Never in a million years would this be a normal topic to discuss at home. Being a girl with five brothers in a religious household, not mentioning sex is like an unspoken rule. We just don’t. But being placed in an environment where mentioning sex is like talking about the weather has certainly changed my perspective on things. Not mindless lustful thoughts, no. But more curiosity.

“I- I… It’s complicated. The idea of sex seems scandalous if one is not married. You of all people know how hard things are if you have a child out of wedlock.” Ada nods and expects me to continue. “I’ll go on a date first, Ada.”

She smiles and shakes her head. “So proper. Why don’t you try for Tommy again? I’ve never seen him keep a girl around this long and not fuck her. He must have some feelings for you.”

Deep down I know she’s right. I’ve been dancing around the chance to ask Thomas if he cares for me and I should not any longer, especially after the last attempt on his life.

“I could try… But when would be the best time? He’s too busy with whatever plan he’s got.”

Ada snaps her fingers. “In two days we’re doing a publicity event at the Grace Shelby Institute for Orphaned Children. After that his schedule shouldn’t be busy. You can ask him then.”

Possibly. But I still have doubts. This event is taking place at an institute named after Thomas’ late wife. How can that not stir up recent sorrows? It will be foolish to ask such a thing in that environment.

“Something will fall into place,” I answer gently. “The right time will come.”

Ada gives a deep sigh. “You’ve always backed off about your love for Tommy, Verena. My question is, after all he’s done, how can you still harbor feelings for him?”

My gaze catches onto a bird in flight outside the window. In the glimpse of a few seconds I ponder her question and deduct a response to soothe both our minds.

“Because people never see Thomas as I do. They only see the Birmingham devil who won’t hesitate to kill. I see a tortured soul who’s persevered through war, loss, and hardship. Even when he may do the most stubborn, arrogant thing he does it all for the ones he loves. That, Ada, is what I love most about Thomas Shelby.”

Although I can’t have him or force him to feel the same, his mark on my heart will never fade. As hard as I try to see past it and stretch my romance to someone new the thought does not take hold. When I picture the future all I want to see is being in a life with Thomas, whether it be as an employee or a good friend. A new realization dawns and I understand my given sentence. I have been cursed to love Thomas Shelby.

All night I drift in and out of visions. Through quick glances I am scolded by my family, cheered on by Ada, and taunted by seeing Thomas’ lips mere inches from mine. Each time I wake up gasping for breath and reaching for nothing in the inky darkness. Lord, what can change so that I don’t feel so confused?

Eventually morning does come and I slowly trudge down the stairs. In the dining room I see Ada and Karl eating oatmeal. One skinny man sits a few seats over reading the paper. Must be the writer. Another face I recognize is Finn, who’s scarfing down his own oatmeal.

“Good morning,” I greet quietly and take a seat next to him. ��Did Ada spill that I was here?”

“Actually he just popped in,” Ada says. “When I mentioned you were upstairs Finn was ecstatic. Hence why he’s waiting for you and devouring half of our breakfast.”

Finn swallows and looks down with a sheepish frown. “I can’t help it! No one made breakfast this morning. Polly’s still gone and the others haven’t come back from the whore house yet.”

I nearly choke on the juice I’m drinking. “Whore house? Finn, what are you talking about?”

“Last night,” he says as if I should already know. “The Russian house they went to is supposed to have all sorts of whores.”

My jaw drops. Two of the three of those men are married, and the other is grieving his wife!

“What the fuck is going through their heads?” I blurt.

Now Finn’s jaw drops and Ada rushes to cover Karl’s ears. The writer looks at me as if I just barked like a dog.

“Whoa. You swore.”

I offer Ada a look of apology and regain my composure. “I have full confidence in my character compared to some. One swear is not going to cast out my soul.”

“If you're upset at that then you really won’t like it when you hear about the robbery Tommy has planned,” Finn says in a low voice.

Robbery? So that’s what Thomas has been hiding.

“When are they supposed to be back?” I ask evenly with spite hidden underneath, staring straight ahead.

“I donno. Sometime this afternoon?”

“Good. We can kill some time until then. Today’s lesson is poetry.”

I stiffly get up and march to Ada’s library, fetching a familiar book I saw last night. When I return to the dining room Ada’s taken Karl off to play and the writer’s set down his newspaper to take part in our lesson. Finn, however, doesn’t look as intrigued. I set the book down in front of him and he frowns as soon as he looks at the first page.

“Um, no offense, but that’s boring stuff only writers study. Like Shakespeare and stuff.”

I put my hands on my hips. “Says the man who used to hate reading. I’m not teaching anything of the heartfelt romantic sort.” I’m way too stressed about that already. “Today’s lesson has to do with Edgar Allan Poe.”

“An American?”

“Correct. Quite an odd one, at that. Some say he was mad.” I point to the back cover. “This is his picture.”

Finn nods slowly. “He does look bonkers.”

“A hundred years ago it was considered a sign of insanity if you smiled in a photograph.” I point a finger at him. “Remember, no one can define normal. A hundred years from now we might have completely different standards. Hell, it might be normal for women to wear trousers. So don’t judge Poe so harshly.”

I turn to the page describing Poe’s history and I can tell Finn’s already forgetting his thoughts against this lesson. The writer, on the other hand, doesn’t seem interested and walks off towards the parlor.

“He was born in Boston, the same place Thomas is expanding to, and raised in Virginia. That’s in the South,” I explain. “By the time he was thirteen, Poe loved writing poetry but his foster father didn’t approve. After returning from being in debt to college and gambling, Poe found out that his fiancée was engaged to someone else.”

Finn looks up at me and we’re each thinking the same thing. Much like me, Poe’s story does not have a happy ending.

“Heartbroken, Poe moved back to Boston. He published his first book and joined the U.S. army around 1827. By the time he returned to Virginia, his foster mother had died of tuberculosis. Poe temporarily made peace with his foster father while he attended West Point but fought with him again after hearing that his foster father had remarried.”

Finn huffs. “Sounds like when we’d argue with our dad. This Poe bloke didn’t have the best dad either.”

I nod and continue. “Poe began writing full time and traveled around America’s East Coast looking for inspiration. He struggled through poverty until his writing became more popular and he began a job as a critic in the Southern Literary Messengers. His new aggressive style and issues with drinking conflicted with his job. He drifted through different publication positions but it was The Raven poem that made Poe's writing so popular.” I flip the page to one with an illustration of a black raven. “It's one one of the most famous poems in American literature.”

Finn nods. “All this fuss over a creepy bird?”

A smile deviously. “Just wait and we’ll read it. Anyways. In 1836, Poe married his cousin Virginia at age 27- I know. Gross, right? Eleven years later she too passed away from tuberculosis. Poe was overcome by grief and suffered from poor health until his death in 1849. His final words were: ‘Lord, help my poor soul.’”

Finn’s eyes widen and I lean in to whisper for dramatic effect.

“It’s said that Poe died of congestion of the brain, but the actual cause of his death remains a mystery. Although he never gained financial success, Poe became one of America’s most enduring writers. His work explored death and loss, and what we call reality. Some quotes you might hear are ‘All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream’ and ‘I have no faith in human perfectibility.’”

The young Shelby drops his gaze to the poem and immediately starts skimming the words. It takes a bit longer to understand the language but I’m impressed at how quickly he picks up. Mouthing the words under his breath, Finn takes almost twenty minutes to read the whole poem. When he gets to the last sentence Finn’s squirming body stills and he looks up.

“Tommy might want to read this. It’s-”

“I don’t think Thomas would like it,” I cut him off. Oh no, Finn. Thomas does not need to read depressing poems from a heartbroken writer.

“Why not?”

I bite my lip. “You read it. It’s about a man reminiscing about his dead lover. It wouldn’t be wise to expose Thomas to a poem with a plot that reflects his own.”

So goes another reminder of why I can’t yet fully open my thoughts to him.

@meadows5

#peaky blinders #peaky blinder fanfic #peaky blinder imagine #peaky fucking blinders #peaky fookin blinders #thomas shelby x reader #thomas shelby #tommy shelby #polly gray #arthur shelby #john shelby #finn shelby #grace burgess #cillian murphy #alfie solomons #tom hardy #michael gray #may charelton

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3terna15unshin3 · 2 years ago

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hi!! would you consider writing a blurb where matty has the rahab conversation with este? like he sits down and really explains what it was like and how be struggles (maybe there’s some tears and este is super supportive and comforting)

love your work sm <3

Hi!!! thank u!!

I must say tho, I have very little knowledge on or personal experience with drug addiction and rehab, so i didn’t really feel comfortable writing anything more in depth just in caution of accidentally portraying it inaccurately or using insensitive language or romanticizing it in any way. since i do think it’s a bit odd and some ppl do cross a line when using his addiction as really intense and triggering angst😬😬😬

only sometimes tho! it can be tastefully done :) and i’m glad u requested it! anyway thank u again here it is hehe

(tbsg series masterlist) ((also please send me more requests i’m desperate))

warnings: mentions of addiction and drug use, angst

To stand it upright, Matty lifted the heavy metal to him and Este’s newest piece of furniture for their bathroom. He had spent the past half hour building the majority of the shelf, with Este passing him any tool or screw he was needing. Now that the contraption was standing, they only had a couple of stray pieces to get attached.

But before he could, his ringtone sounded. Este glanced at his screen and watched it flash ‘Frankie’ across the top. She racked her brain to think of if she’d known such a person, but it didn’t ring a bell.

“Just decline it for me, love.” Matty instructed after reading who was ringing.

She obliged and pressed on the power button to hang it up. “Who’s Frankie? Don’t want to speak to him?” She said jokingly.

He chuckled a bit. “Not that I don’t want to speak with her, maybe just not at the minute. I’ll just call her back later,” His wrist twisted a screwdriver to secure another slat.

“Oh, okay.”

Frankie’s a girl, Este digested. She thought it was a bit bizarre that Matty didn’t answer her first question, but rarely let her contextless thoughts develop into jealousy. Este’s nosy self was more eager to know what the call was about—regardless of who it was from. But she decided to leave it.

He threw her a smile and leaned all the way over to plant a kiss on the skin right in front of her ear. “Mind passing me that last screw?”

Este doesn’t mind, smiling back as blood rushes to the spot where his lips once were, while he silently continued building. When Matty glanced back at her, the shelf now complete, he could read the curiosity on Este’s face. So, he elaborated. And Matty didn’t mind elaborating when he was with her. Since he knew she’d listen.

“And Frankie’s a woman I met in rehab. We’ve kept in touch since so she calls time and again,” Matty explained, “She usually wants to talk something out, since she’s had a bit of a rough journey since treatment. Not a lot of family left. Whether it’s for advice or just for someone alike to listen. But I’m in manly-builder-testosterone mode. Didn’t feel like a good time to answer. Even though she does enjoy sharing what she’s been through and would probably love to meet you. I don’t want to unload all of her shit onto you. For your sake,”

“If her shit’s on you then it can be on me. I don’t mind. Your shit is sort of my shit too,” she said.

They burst into laughter as both of their eyes diverted to the toilet they sat next to, the ironic and gross sounding language making them giggle.

He stood back to admire the shelf that stood beside the sink, raising his hand to chew on the skin around his nails. Once his explanation was finished, his mouth stayed shut and slightly pressed. Eyes darting around the space to make sure everything was in place. Este could see that the topic was making his muscles a bit tense.

“Yeah, it is.” Matty agreed, still laughing at the poo jokes. The two of them started to transfer the various body and skin care products from the draws below the sink onto the freshly built shelf; in comfortable silence.

“I guess I haven’t really told you much about my recovery, have I? Rehab, and everything,”

“No, not really.” She shrugged, not wanting to pry.

Eventually the sink didn’t look crowded anymore, and the supplies that usually sat messily were organised. Having only recently moved in together, it was an obstacle to have to balance their belongings in the same space. So, Este sunk down to sit on the floor and lean against the wall to rest in satisfaction. They’d made good progress.

He copied her and they sat hip to hip.

“I spent most of the treatment I did in Barbados alone, believe it or not. There were plenty of nurses and doctors, but I was pretty isolated. That was until I met Frankie.” Matty tucked his knees under his chin. “I think meeting her was the first time I met anyone just as a human—no self expression, no signs of culture, no pre-conceived expectations, no representation of status. There was this insane level of purity within our connection. We were just two broken people,”

Este’s eyes didn’t leave his as he continued on. She listened intently and thoughtfully.

“But we were from the same road,” he revealed. “Not even just the same city, or town. The same road. Minutes of walking between where we grew up. And finding that out felt super emotional,”

His fingers fidgeted nervously, opening himself up more and more as he spoke. Matty found comfort in Este’s presence, though, and sought the feeling of her hand on the back of his neck or the in and out of her breath against his skin.

“Wow,” she whispered briefly, wanting him to continue. Este was fairly close, so the breath he craved grazed him ever so slightly as she spoke. It calmed him down.

“Since we’d been on the road for so long, and I obviously was having trouble coping with it, things had been so loud. Constantly. But I think the equine therapy, and meeting Frankie—it was the first time in ages things were quiet. And I really drank it in,”

She ran her hand up and down the front of his leg lovingly. “I’m so happy that you’re on the other side of that now. And that you had access to treatment that worked for you. That’s the hardest part sometimes,”

Matty nodded.

“The horses did do something, that’s for sure,” They chuckled together, “When we retire in like 40 years and move out to the countryside maybe we should get a couple. I’m a whisperer or sorts now, I think.” he suggested.

Este leaned her head down onto his shoulder, internally cooing at the mental image of the two of them growing old together. Maybe somewhere rural up north—near Manchester, to be close to family. She’d have a greenhouse and maybe grow fruits and veggies during the summer for them to eat. A couple of horses, like Matty suggested. Este had never met a horse in person, but she was sure she’d like them if he did.

“That sounds like a plan.”

He pressed his lips delicately to her forehead, dreaming of the same things that floated round in her mind. They lounged in silence—still sitting on the floor across from the sink and toilet.

“You know,” Matty started again, “I still have this dude’s number in my phone. He was my dealer here in London for a bit. I ran to him when I scored for the last time,”

There was a pained expression on his face, like he had to work through his own disdain for that time in his life before admitting it aloud. It shocked Este, realising that speaking about his addiction could be so heavy; since he was usually so open and honest about it to anyone who was curious. But this was different, as Matty dug to the parts of himself that he had learned to keep personal. He didn’t have to think twice about letting Este see them, though.

“It was early 2019. I’d been clean since rehab—and at this point I’ve honestly forgotten what brought me to the point of relapsing. But what I do remember is the morning after. I saw my mum and Louis. And it just broke me,” His sentences had long pauses between them and his voice broke over and over. The sound of it sent a pang through Este’s heart, the two of them immediately nuzzling closer into each other’s comfort. “The guilt was all-consuming. I was so ashamed knowing that I was hugging my little brother still strung out from the night before. Smiling at him while lying about being clean,”

Matty dropped his head into her lap, slow salty tears trickling onto her bare thighs. She wiped them away, hands lingering on his face since she knew he liked them there.

“Oh, Matty,” A lump formed in her throat but she swallowed it down. She spoke gently. “Can I ask why you still have his number?”

He thought about it for a second. “It’s sort of a reminder, I guess. That I have the power now. That if I wanted to call, I could. But I don’t want to anymore.”

Matty’s eyes looked up towards Este and they shared a bittersweet smile. He laid his hand on top of hers that still sat cupping his cheek, lifting it to plant a kiss on her palm and quickly setting it back.

“And I know that if I ever wanted to—even a little bit—that I’d have you there. To tell in a heartbeat. And the boys, and my family. We’d do anything we’d need to do. Together.”

And with their bottoms against the cold concrete, Matty picked up his phone to call Frankie back, fearlessly pressing the speakerphone button. Este interlaced her fingers with his, waiting for her to pick up, and their chests rose and fell in sync.

#tbsg #blurb #meste blurb #the 1975 #matty healy #matty healy fanfiction #matty healy x oc #the 1975 fanfiction #matty healy fic #ask

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the-ace-with-spades · 2 years ago

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Unhinged fic idea incoming...

An AU where Buck is the one looking for a sperm donor.

Buck is trans in this AU fyi and there's trans pregnancy and related stuff involved

He's obviously in love with Eddie, had been for a long time, and for a little bit after he and Taylor broke up, he hoped.

But then nothing happens. Because nothing ever happens between them, no matter how many nights he stays over, how many dinners he cooks, how many times they go out, how many times they spend the evening like a family -- they're not. Chris is not his son, Eddie is not his partner, and there's nothing happening.

And Buck, at that point, is tired of hoping for and waiting to have his own family.

This is when Connor shows up -- Buck was stealth back when they lived together so he explains, that sorry, dude, no dick or anything like that here, so can't give you sperm.

But Connor gives him an idea.

At first he thinks it's crazy and pushes the thought back because it seems to be more of a fantasy than anything - Buck having his own child without another person involved.

But then, well, why not? There are single mothers that decide to keep a baby from accidental pregnancies all over the world and Eddie is a single dad himself -- if he can do it, why couldn't Buck? He's got a stable job, financially he's okay, he hasn't had any health issues in a while, he wants to be a dad more than anything, and he wants a family more than anything, even if just a small one.

So he sets a plan in motion, talks to his doctor, goes off both HRT and birth control and starts looking for someone willing to donate sperm to him or sleep with him.

He's got a few candidates lined up - past friends, mostly, because he wants someone he knows and can trust with such a delicate process, someone who won't take advantage of the situation - and when his period finally comes back after two months off testosterone, he starts calling up.

He's got one guy he used to date in the fire academy who has agreed to try and get him pregnant. They meet up, they talk about what they're more comfortable with - Buck was going to go with the good old cup and syringe method insemination, but Gabe says they could have some fun while at it.

It's going alright - they meet up for sex two-three times a week, there's absolutely zero feeling to it, and after two months of trying, nothing happens.

And then the crew finds out.

There's lots of opinions and questions why ('I'm tired of waiting to have my own family') and why couldn't he just wait until he finds someone ('I want a baby, not a partner, and I'm not getting younger and the timing is right'). Eventually, he explains everything and tells them the plan and all the preparations he's done -- medical, financial, housing, etc. and everyone realizes this isn't something he's doing on a whim and agrees to support him.

Everyone except Eddie.

Who seems to be incredibly offended that Buck 1) didn't tell him about the plan, 2) didn't ask him to be the baby daddy donor and instead asked some other random guy.

Buck, because he's oblivious, thinks Eddie's weird behaviour is only due to the first reason and gets defensive that he doesn't have to tell Eddie about all his life choices any time Eddie brings up the topic.

Cue month three of trying to get pregnant and Buck tells Gabe hey, I actually would prefer to switch to the cup and syringe method. And the dude blows up about how he's only doing it for the sex and he's infertile anyway so whatever Buckley.

Obviously, that's upsetting because he's just wasted three months but also because he trusted Gabe and it turned out like this - so how is he supposed to trust any other guys on the candidate list?

Everyone on the team is sympathetic - Athena offers to get that guy for extraction of sex under false pretense - but Buck just kinda feels like giving up. Hen mentions he can just use a clinic's donor, doesn't have to be doing IVF for that, just get a donor catalog and go for the specimen to the clinic or have it delivered to his house and do the syringe method anyway. It's going to cost some money but still cheaper than IVF.

Eddie still hates the idea.

And Buck gets one catalog and brings it to the station so he can talk to Hen about it (since she and Karen had gone through the process before) and Eddie is really snarky the whole day about it, with little comments here or there.

At some point, Buck just can't take it and tells him, 'If you think I'll make such a bad parent why don't you just tell me to my face, loud and clear.'

Obviously, Eddie tones down immediately. Explains that hey, this isn't what I meant, I just don't like the idea of you having a kid with a stranger you know nothing about.

They have a whole discussion when Buck confesses he doesn't like it either but he's desperate and please don't make me question it even more, I just want a baby at whatever cost.

So Eddie takes the opportunity and says, 'I'll be your sperm donor.'

Buck knows it's a bad idea but it's also the best he can get from Eddie - maybe he won't love him and maybe they won't be a family in a little unit of four, but he'll have a baby that's a little bit like him.

Because he has the rest of his self-preservation and doesn't want his heart to break any more, he insists on doing it with the cup and syringe method.

Which backfires spectacularly since he's literally sitting outside Eddie's bedroom while he comes into a cup and when it's his turn to lie down on the same bed and do the insemination, Eddie is like, I could help you with that, probably easier if someone else does it for you. What was supposed to be a simple procedure of draw the sperm into a syringe, inject the syringe's contents up your vagina has just changed into something very intimate.

They try for three months like that and once again, Buck is starting to think there's something wrong with him because he's not getting pregnant. And like, he cries about that a little bit even though he knows it takes six months on average to get pregnant and Eddie offers, you guessed it, let's try it the standard way because maybe that will help (knowing fully well it only busts the chances of getting pregnant by like five percent tops). Buck is desperate, so things happen.

They start having sex.

And Eddie gets, like, really obsessed with it too, just so Buck finally gets pregnant and stops feeling like it's his fault it's not happening faster. He is also tracking Buck's cycles, too, now, and plans for them to have sex on all his predicted fertile days. When one of those days falls when they're on duty, they have sex in the back of the (parked inside the station) truck.

The universe apparently thinks it's funny because that's the lucky time...

Buck is pregnant and so happy he doesn't realize Eddie is mentally freaking out because 1) that means they'll stop having sex and more importantly 2) Buck is having his baby and he's expected to let him parent them alone and never say a thing, just observe from the sidelines as a friend (which ironically is how Buck's felt about Eddie and Chris...)

It quickly proves to be impossible - Buck's got his first ultrasound scheduled and Eddie is like, 'I'm going with you' because he can't imagine not being there for Buck in such an important moment and not seeing the baby for the first time with him.

Which sets off an argument because Eddie was supposed to be a donor not dad and Eddie finally loses his cool and yells, 'I can't.'

Buck is definitely not getting it and is upset because Eddie still doesn't love him but he's already gotten attached to the baby that was meant to be his only in DNA. It's irrational but he feels like Eddie's going to take even this from him, the baby that was supposed to be the small part of Eddie and his dream family he could have.

And Eddie feels guilty because he promised he'll just be a donor but it turns out he can't, he feels like he tricked Buck into this situation. He can't quite literally make this worse so why not just come clean, right? Tell Buck he's sorry and he's in love with him and he really did offer to be a donor thinking he could be just a donor but he can't let go.

Obviously they get together before the first ultrasound.

The only problem now is no one at the station knows that Eddie is the baby daddy, and not some anonymous donor from a catalog.

Chaos ensures

#this is what happens when you explain to your bf how he's going to get you pregnant when you're sex repulsed #and are sleep deprived and in buddie era #buddie #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #trans evan buckley #im ashamed a little bit #tw pregnancy #tw trans pregnancy #fic ideas #op #charlie writes

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osamucide · 2 months ago

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generally asking, does testosterone affect periods? (in my society these topics are really taboo and im very curious)

yeah mine's gone. most people's will stop or get very light on t, but you can still bleed/spot

in essence, t kind of sends u into a mini menopause

edit (thanks cait for reminding me of this) - you still can get pregnant on t even if your period stops. stay safe out there yall

#hot flashes and all.#reid speaks.ᐟ #tw periods

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imstillhere-butallislost · 1 year ago

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Testosterone gel vs shots, and why I switched

Testosterone gel is gel that is applied topically to your body, and I was on this for over a year.

In September, I switched to intramuscular injections done once weekly.

I'm going to explain my dosage and why I switched methods! This may not apply to you, this is my specific experience.

I was very happy with testosterone gel when I started. I was on 1% gel, starting at one pump and moving to 2 pumps. Each pump was 12.5 mg of testosterone I believe.

Gel was really easy to begin with. You have to keep it and the area you apply it on your body away from animals and children and others who might not want extra testosterone on them, but this was not a problem with me. The gel is daily. This helps if you need to do something daily to get it into your routine.

The gel also takes very little time to put on, it is the same consistency of hand sanitizer. It's honestly really foolproof to use, it's very easy and consistent. I noticed some changes within the first couple of weeks! (I have a timeline posted on this blog)

The gel also gives you a very consistent dose of hormones each day, which was definitely good for my mental health.

The cons of gel for me started around summer when It was warmer and putting on gel and then wearing long sleeves over it just was not fun. Going hand in hand with this i also got a boyfriend and did not want to get gel on him accidentally.

The daily nature of the gel also wasn't helpful if I was going to stay the night somewhere because I would need to bring a bottle of gel if I wanted to put it on first thing in the morning, or I could do it when I got home but risk forgetting to do it. Daily gel became a slight hassle with my new routines.

Gel was also so so so very expensive. I'm in Canada and have no insurance. The gel was around 200 dollars monthly.

My levels were also not where I wanted them to be on the gel. This may have been solved if I went on a higher dose, but the higher dose would cost more money that I do not have. This may not apply to you if you have insurance. Male testosterone levels are between 10-35 nmol/l. I was at 3 nmol/l after over a year on testosterone.

For the shots, I've been on intramuscular shots since September. I take .25ml every week. There is 50mg of testosterone in each injection.

My levels have already went up into the male range although I haven't experienced many further changes yet. I'm at 23 nmol/L.

I only have to worry about doing my shot one day a week, and I could have chosen to have those farther apart but I feel like my mental health would suffer if I did them too far apart.

I don't have to worry about gel rubbing off onto anyone or anything like that.

I pay nothing for my testosterone as my local insurance covers it.

The WORST part about doing the injections is... actually doing the injections. It hurts sometimes, and the times it doesn't I'm anxious about it hurting. It's stabbing a needle into your own body, it's difficult.

This makes the shots unpredictable. Unlike the gel, the shots can hurt sometimes and not other times. If predictability is important to you, maybe don't go for shots.

I do understand that the more you do it the better you will get at choosing the correct spot to inject, but for me it's been really hard not knowing if I'm going to be in a lot of pain or if it will not hurt at all. I'm not even a person who is afraid of needles or pain, it's just hard to do it to your self. That being said, it has never been so bad that I've missed an injection before.

That's all I got for now, ask me any questions you need too!!

#t gel #testosterone gel #testosterone #hrt #ftm #ftm hrt #testosterone shots #t shot #hope this helps anybody #Dan talks

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howlingday · 2 years ago

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Neutral Stalemate

Jacques: (Yelling over the cacophony) Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Gentleman, show some control! Gentle-

Emerald: Ugh! Will you shut up with that?! Not all of us have as much testosterone as you. Of course, you're not exactly meeting the bar, either.

Jacques: One, hurtful. Two, you knew what I mea- I mean, let's keep this meeting civil.

Ironwood: You're pissing on my leg and telling me it's raining! Do you really think it's fair to only send ONE Hunter to a Level 5 combat?!

Watts: One Hunter is plenty.

Salem: We're talking about a Level 5. That's like a Grimm that blows smoke to hide itself! If you're afraid of a Level 5- One Hunter is too many to be honest!

Ironwood: You're kiccking me in the balls and telling me my undies are too tight! Every Hunter knows that ANY Kingdom intervention is equivalent to a bullhead load of fecal matter is about to make contact with the oscillating rotor!

Jaune: Thirty years ago, Maria Calavera VS Angela Hertz. One village destroyed, dozens killed, almost a hundred injured, and more than twenty pictures sent to the tabloids. That, ladies and gentlemen, was a Level 5 combat.

Emerald: Maria Calavera used unauthorized experimental dust, AND is a Huntress, which means she was under YOUR custody. Meanwhile, the Salem Agent, Angela Hertz, had her ribcage shattered trying to stop the Huntress and died the next day!

Qrow: (Sighs) You're missing the point. That bloodbath was a Level 5 combat-

Emerald: WITH A LEVEL 8 DUST WEAPON! Used by YOUR Huntress that the Kingdoms REFUSE to oversee!

Jacques: Settle down, gentle- person! We'll get to supervision and custody soon. Let's stay on topic!

Watts: One Hunter to Level 5 combat. It's our gift to you. Take it.

Ironwood: You're throwing up in my hair and telling me it's shampoo! No deal!

Watts: Going once...

Nora: You're chopping off my ass and telling me I lost weight! We want two Huntresses!

Jacques: Hunters!

Emerald: Oh, NOW you care!

#rwby #the venture bros #the venture brothers #venture bros #venture brothers #jacques schnee #emerald sustrai #james ironwood #arthur watts #salem #jaune arc #qrow branwen #nora valkyrie

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actvpeople · 28 days ago

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Why Does Erection Disappear?

Men's health and sexual activity remain some of the most discussed topics, raising numerous questions and myths. It is believed that a man's ability to maintain an erection can persist throughout his lifetime. If there are issues, it’s important to explore the causes. The author reviewed a one-hour interview with a renowned urology specialist and prepared a summary of the most relevant points for you. Key Insights into Men’s Health:

1. Testosterone: The Key Role in the Male Body

Testosterone is a hormone that defines men’s health in many areas. It impacts sexual desire, muscle mass, bone density, energy levels, and emotional stability. Its active form, dihydrotestosterone, is essential for maintaining erections and libido.

Belly fat is testosterone's enemy. Fat tissue produces an enzyme called aromatase, which converts testosterone into estrogen. This creates a vicious cycle: more fat – less testosterone – poorer metabolism.

Age-related changes. After age 35, testosterone levels naturally decline by 1-2% annually. Some men experience this process gradually, while others notice significant changes that may require medical attention.

2. How to Check Testosterone Levels

Accurate testing methods are essential for understanding testosterone levels:

The most accurate method – gas chromatography or mass spectrometry, though these options can be expensive.

Accessible option – saliva steroid profiling provides reliable insights into hormonal balance without complicated procedures.

Timing matters. Testosterone levels peak in the morning, making morning tests more accurate. For a comprehensive view, follow-up tests in the afternoon may be recommended.

3. Erection as a Health Marker

An erection is more than just a sexual function; it’s a window into vascular health. Disruptions may indicate blood flow problems or underlying health concerns.

Morning erection as a key indicator. The presence of regular morning erections is a strong marker of hormonal and vascular health. Its absence could signal issues with testosterone levels or blood circulation.

A warning for heart health. Impairment in the dorsal artery of the penis (approximately 1-2 mm in diameter) might signal issues with larger blood vessels.

Act promptly. If erections suddenly disappear without an apparent reason, consult a specialist immediately.

A warning for heart health. Impairment in the dorsal artery of the penis (approximately 1-2 mm in diameter) might signal issues with larger blood vessels.

Act promptly. If erections suddenly disappear without an apparent reason, consult a specialist immediately.

4. Insulin Resistance – The Silent Enemy

Insulin resistance occurs when cells lose sensitivity to insulin, leading to elevated blood sugar levels. This condition is linked to fatigue, weight gain, and reduced libido.

Recognizing early signs: fatigue, "brain fog," drowsiness, and declining productivity.

Preventive measures: cutting back on sugar and fast carbs, staying physically active, and monitoring blood sugar levels regularly.

5. Hormone Therapy: Myths and Realities

Modern hormone replacement therapies offer safe ways to manage testosterone levels:

Depot injections. These ensure steady testosterone levels for three months with a single dose.

Tadalafil-based medications (Viagra analogs) enhance blood flow and support vascular health, offering benefits beyond improving erections.

For holistic support of prostate health and hormonal balance, consider natural remedies like ProstaVive 👉 Learn more here.

6. Depression and Libido

Mental health has a significant impact on sexual function. Depression, low dopamine levels, and chronic fatigue can suppress sexual desire and performance.

Effective solutions: a combination of psychotherapy and medication can help restore libido and overall well-being.

7. Preventive Measures: Enhancing Men’s Health

Physical activity. Regular exercise promotes better blood circulation and hormonal balance.

Monitor your weight. Men with a waist circumference over 94 cm are more prone to hormonal imbalances.

Prioritize sleep. Testosterone production primarily occurs during sleep, making restful nights essential for maintaining hormonal levels.

Conclusion

Men’s health isn’t just about testosterone. A holistic approach that includes proper nutrition, regular physical activity, mental well-being, and routine health check-ups is crucial. Monitoring hormone levels and making lifestyle adjustments can help preserve not only sexual function but also overall quality of life.

Balancing hormones, managing weight, adopting healthy eating habits, and staying active are the cornerstones of long-lasting health and vitality. Embrace these steps to live a fulfilling and energetic life.

#natural erection #health and wellness #testosterone #prostatehealth

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stagelightandspectacle · 1 year ago

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Any ideas for good masculine compliments?

Mh... we do not concern ourselves with these categories, Goldmouth may have more to say on this - well, Goldmouth always has more to say on any topic.

Could we suggest the classic "Bro", mayhaps? Although - that is not really a compliment by itself, is it? Let's see if we can scrounge up something...

"Stay masculine!" "You strike us as a muscular type!" "Got your testosterone cranked up to neolithic, right?" "Facial hair like that? You must the chock full of plasm." "Hard Core, dude"

#ooc - scrounged up from a quick fayde search that is #drama doesnt fuckin know #skillsposting

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genderqueerdykes · 2 years ago

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I made a post about wanting to be feminine as a transmasc, but not wanting to be seen as a woman, and also not wanting testosterone. a bunch of truscums started telling me I must just be a confused cis girl and if I was really trans I'd want to take testosterone. do you have any words of wisdom/comfort?

hello there!

medical transition is not required in order for an individual to identify as transgender- there was no mention of changing one's sex in the initial coining of the term! it's up to the individual to decide if they want to undergo medical transition. it's not accessible or safe for everyone, and it's a big change that a lot of people may not feel comfortable undergoing. also it's not necessary for someone to have body dysphoria in order for them to identify a different way. if cis men can be feminine, trans men can be, too- that's a double standard

my advice is only listen to other trans people when it comes to these topics, outsiders have a speculative, skewed perspective on what the experience is like. these people are just bullies and don't deserve the energy or time. they're not trying to help you or convince you of any type of truth, you're just trying to prey on people they interpret as insecure. strangers on the internet have the shield of relative anonymity to hide behind, but just because they made their problems your business. disregard comments that make you uncomfortable, block and delete as needed

take care! good luck, stay safe, you are the expert of your lived situation. strangers on the internet only see a fragment of who you really are. you know yourself better than they do. you got this!

#asks #answers #bullying #transphobia

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thorne1435 · 1 year ago

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I have been on feminizing HRT for one year.

I mean, as I write this, the anniversary is about 5 days away, but I'm queuing it for the exact day, so you will be reading this on my anniversary at the earliest.

I feel the need to say something either to inspire other trans women to go get HRT (seriously go to Planned Parenthood they'll just give you hormones, no referrals. it's great. the informed consent model really saved my life), or to document my changes for pseudo-scientific purposes (this isn't a valid scientific source or anything, I just like to be open about it for information's sake). Either way, uh, let's talk about it!

This post isn't going to be strictly not-safe-for-work or anything, but because anatomical topics are often seen as NSFW, I would read this as if it's a smutfic, if I were you.

Obviously the first big change that everyone thinks of is breast development. I'm not gonna lie to you here, it's not like I got D cups, but I started at the age of 19 so it's not going to be phenomenal for me either way. With that knowledge in mind, I'd say I made out pretty well. I don't know exact sizing or anything, but it's noticeable to the point where I actually have to go out of my way to hide them when I am trying to present as a man around people I can't be out to. I can tell you that I was wearing a padded bra to pass better at work when they hadn't grown yet, and I'm at the point now where they are naturally the size that the (relatively dismal) padding had made them. So that's gotta mean something. I still don't have a lot of the vocabulary that a cis woman would have to describe these things yet, so uh...that's all I can do for you, as a description.

The first change that I noticed, though, was actually within the first week or so, which almost makes me think I hallucinated it, but I remember distinctly being shocked that my skin was already way softer and clearer, which is bizarre! I don't actually remember what it felt like before, but obviously I did at the time, and it was rougher, I remember that much. Not the case anymore! It's such a small detail that it can very quickly fade from your memory entirely, and that's kind of inspiring to me, even though I know it won't work that way for everything else, it's just nice that some parts of my boyhood are just gone forever (as long as i stay on the hormones).

The big change that might discourage some women from getting hormones is genital shrinking. And as I understand it there aren't many ways to avoid that, because suppressing testosterone just has that effect on the male body, but based on my early experiences with the reduced sex drive that is also present when you suppress testosterone, ask for Progesterone when you get started, because it helps a lot, especially with some of the more socially-inconvenient aspects of your hormonal change. There are also some T-blockers that supposedly don't have this issue, like for example Bicalutamide, but if you're going to get Bicalutamide, you're going to be on the standard, "years of referral and bureaucracy" tract, so...y'know, don't hold your breath on that one, it'll take you a long time. I'm fine now though. About a month after I added progesterone to my treatment plan I was back to normal sex drive and everything was fine. Of course, what I mean to say is that the shrinkage has stopped because of the return of my sex drive. It doesn't work that way for everybody, and I thought for sure it wouldn't work that way for me, but if you end up being like me, you could probably minimize the collateral by just asking for prog outright instead of waiting like I did.

Smaller change that makes me infinitely less suicidal and demoralized: my body hair has changed colors! That should be enough of a reason for every transfem to go out and get HRT right now, I mean it! It's so relieving. I remember when I was, like, "Officially Trans" (at least at work) but not on HRT, I used to get distracted by how my arms looked, especially when I was sitting in the sunlight and it was obvious, because the darkness of the hair felt so disgustingly masculine to me that it made me think I had no hope of ever passing as feminine to anyone. And obviously that was wrong: I was able to pass as feminine without hiding my arms at least once or twice before HRT (though to be fair I did not try often). But regardless of that, the fact that I don't spiral into anxiety and self-loathing every time I'm in the sunlight without a coat on anymore is probably the best change so far, all things considered. And I grew tits! So that's saying something, I think.

This body-hair change doesn't apply to my beard in quite the same way. I always had a really good beard as a man and a lot of people liked it and thought it looked great (I did not shave often enough I looked terrible, but I did kinda make it work I guess), it was a deep orange-red color which has now brightened out to that vague off-white blonde, pseudo-translucent color that your smaller peach fuzz hairs have. There are a lot of upsides to that, but there are some limitations to the effects. For example, even though I don't have to worry about stubble as much, when I don't shave it's still fairly noticeable if you're looking. The texture also hasn't changed, it's still very coarse. And this is a source of some dysphoria for me personally, because I don't like that I have a beard at all. Nothing to be done about that, of course, and I sort of think that's a "for good" thing? Even if I had the money for hair removal procedures a lot of them only work if you are pale-skinned and dark-haired, just for physical reasons. At least, last I checked. And while I am very pale-skinned I am not dark-haired. And, well...that's fine, it's whatever. It's fine...I'll just shave forever i guess its cool...its...its whatever... no its fine really im fine. its okay. im fine.

its fine.

Another good contender for "best change so far" is the mental and emotional change. I feel feelings now. I haven't done that in a long time. And it's kind of a rough transition to make, actually, because now I'm reacting very emotionally to things and I really haven't figured out how to cope yet. It's like I'm doing everything that I was doing before but now it's not a performance, it's just an actual innate response and honestly, it's really hard to control. I guess I'll have to work that one out over time. But I would take "Emotional" over "Dead inside" any day. I wish I'd done this sooner, for that reason alone.

Fat redistribution is a bit hard to measure because I've never really had much fat in the first place, but my coworkers told me that I was developing a more feminine silhouette, and that was about a month ago, maybe two? So, I guess what I'm saying here is that you should probably get a friend to look you over every month or so if you're really worried about this change, so they can tell you that you've developed child-bearing hips or whatever else you're looking for. This fat redistribution is supposed to apply to your face as well, and that's something that makes you look more feminine when you've been on HRT for a long time, supposedly. I find it really hard to notice, personally, because I always had a really thin face. And since I wore a thick full beard throughout all of my adolescence, I don't actually know what my old facial structure was, that well. I do think it's gotten thinner. But for me personally, I think that's made me look a little worse. Ya win some, ya lose some. Bitches be ugly sometimes, that's fine. beauty is subjective. It probably won't work that way for most anyone else, it's just I always had femboy-face. Too bad about my beard really, I could've tapped into a market there if I weren't so fucking hairy...anyway what were we talking about?

On the subject of hair, something has been happening to me that is not supposed to be happening according to a lot of the research I did before I sought HRT out. I'm noticing that small patches of my beard aren't growing at all, especially on the sides. I've also noticed similar effects on my leg-hair. That is, 100%, not supposed to happen. As I understand it, based on all the information I could find, HRT cannot undo changes. It can cause changes that haven't happened yet, but once something grows in, no matter what it is, it usually can't go away naturally. I'm not complaining. And, transgender HRT is a very sparsely-researched field as of yet, so maybe this is just something we don't know about, or something about my body chemistry in particular, IDK. I'm not a doctor.

Anyway, that's it. That's my little HRT anniversary journal. If I'm still on tumblr on 7/22/24, I guess I'll do this again. But I have no idea where I'll be in a year.

I hope this is insightful for someone. And I hope that when I look back on this, I either cringe or I cry. Because that means I'm growing up still. (see, that line? that's the one i'll cringe at.)

#transfem #trans #transgender #trans pride #hrt #hrt journal

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