#no one can fix me so i have to fix myself

[elleaitch22]

Terms of Endearment

Chapter 9: In the Name of Love

Pairing: Paige Bueckers x Azzi Fudd

A/N: Welcome back to the show! This was a little rushed, ngl. Half of it was written when I was dozing off at 5 am and the other half is from when I was dozing off after my pool day. Please live react or leave comments if you can! As always, I hope you love it!! xx Elle

Warnings: Detailed emotional abuse, psychological manipulation, disordered eating, food control, referenced date r*pe, gaslighting, flashbacks, dissociation, panic attacks, referenced murder

Word Count: 3.7k

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Paige didn’t make her talk. She didn’t make her move. She didn’t even make her eat.

Azzi had just stopped crying when Soleil padded into the living room. “I’m hungwy.” She rubbed her eyes, still sleepy. She walked to the couch and nestled herself between the two women. “I want noodles with Azzi.”

Azzi smiled softly, “Wants pho.”

Paige pulled out her phone, tapping her screen, and putting an order in quickly. “It’ll be here in 20 minutes Lei.”

“Azzi still sad?” Soleil’s big blue eyes, full of pity and sadness. When no one gave an answer, she looked to her mother expectantly. “Azzi is sad. We watching Fwozen. S’her favowite.”

Paige followed Soleil’s instructions without question. When “Love is an Open Door” played, Paige was happy to ride down to the lobby to pick up the food. When she returned, Elsa was lecturing Anna about marriage.

The three of them ate their food huddled together. When Soleil finished, she made Azzi lie back before climbing onto her stomach and laying her head on her chest. Azzi’s arms wrapped around her, hands running up and down her back slowly.

Soleil’s breath deepened, warm and soft against Azzi’s chest. She stared at the tv, not really seeing the movie playing.

The room was still. Peaceful. Safe.

“I met Grant when I was 18.” She started quietly. “My best friends, Caroline, Colleen, and I all went to this frat party. I only had a few drinks, but I blacked out.” Azzi is almost reliving it, not even hearing Paige’s sharp gasp. “I woke up at his apartment naked. He came back with waffles, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I stayed. I was so mad at myself. He was my first, and I couldn’t believe it was something I couldn’t even remember.”

Paige’s hand covered Azzi’s, breaking her out of her flashback. “That wasn’t your fault, Azzi. He drugged you, and even if he didn’t, drunk people can’t consent. This is all on him.”

Azzi nodded, not really listening to the blonde. “He was so good at first. He treated me like I hung the moon. But it was little things. He chipped away at me until I was exactly what he wanted.” She felt tears welling up in her eyes. “I didn’t even notice the manipulation until it was too late. I wasn’t allowed to eat carbs because it made my face puffy. I had to try on my outfits before I could leave the house, and if he felt like it was too tight, I had to weigh in. If I was too heavy, it was going to be a week of kid’s meals or even meal replacement shakes if it was bad enough.” She shook her head. “He wanted me to be healthy, he just didn’t know how to help me in a healthy way.”

Paige got on the floor and kneeled in front of Azzi. “He wanted to control you Azzi, that’s all. You were already healthy.”

“No, he just wanted me to be healthy. I’m not good at making choices, so he helped me. Sometimes I have trouble remembering things right. I’m probably just twisting his words and making him look bad. He said I used to do that all the time.” Paige brushed a few loose strands out of Azzi’s face, almost wanting her to snap out of it and come back to her.

Azzi’s eyes were glassy, locked on some fixed point beyond Paige. Her voice didn’t match her face — it was too calm, too quiet, like she was reading from a script she’d memorized to survive. Paige froze. She’d seen this kind of dissociation before – she’d seen it in herself. She hated that Azzi was experiencing it too.

Then she started again. “I miss Carol and Colleen. I couldn’t talk to them because they were trouble. They wanted me to wear bad outfits and drink, but Grant didn’t like going out anymore.” Tears slowly fell down her face. “I miss my mom and dad. I miss my brothers. I haven’t seen them in five years.”

She went silent again. Paige was left helpless, just watching the brunette cycle through her thoughts. She was looking at Paige, but her eyes didn’t register the blonde. She wasn’t here – not really.

“I never should’ve left him.” Azzi whispered. “He took such good care of me. He loved me so much, and now I’m all alone.”

Paige got closer, cupping Azzi’s cheeks in her hands. She brought her forehead to Azzi’s, letting it rest there and saying affirmations until she was back. Azzi, you’re safe. You’re okay. You are not alone. You don’t ever have to be alone again. You are good. You are perfect. It’s me, Paige. And Soleil. You have us. You have a family. We want you. We will always want you.

She didn’t know how long she knelt, repeating the same words. But she could tell when Azzi was out of her trance. A gasp, and then more tears. Falling faster, uncontrolled. She tried to keep her cries small and silent with Soleil laying on her.

When Paige tried to move her again, Azzi’s grip tightened once more. “I’m so sorry Paige. I should’ve kept her safe.”

“No, don’t do that, Azzi. You kept her safe. Even when I got there, you were still keeping her safe.” Paige paused, trying to think of what to say next. “You were good, Azzi. You did such a good job protecting Lei.” Azzi let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. “Thank you, Azzi.”

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Paige didn’t move, content to stay on the floor and stroke Azzi’s hair gently. Eventually, Azzi joined Soleil in dreamland.

The blonde bolted to her bedroom. She needed to get out of this suit, and she needed to hit something. She needed to be quick though; she didn’t want Azzi to wake up by herself. After pulling on a pair of basketball shorts and a hoodie, she decided she should probably get something for Azzi to wear too.

She thought back to the pictures Azzi had sent her earlier. She looked so pretty in her yellow dress. She looked happy with Soleil. Paige had been looking forward to getting home and seeing Azzi and Soleil in their matching outfits watching a movie, or working on an artistic masterpiece, or just talking.

But he ruined that.

She didn’t know how to fix it yet, but she knew one thing: he would never control Azzi again. She’d make sure of it.

Paige was hot with anger again.

She yanked open a drawer and pulled out her favorite lilac sweatpants and a plain t-shirt. She grabbed a pair of fuzzy socks and the matching sweatshirt, wanting Azzi to be as comfortable as she wanted.

Paige’s phone flashed with a notification.

Ash 🤠: Found him. Grant Hayes.

Attachment: 1 file

P. Buckets 🏀: Thanks Ash.

When Paige clicked the PDF, she realized she made the right choice in firing Q and promoting Ashlyn. She’d pulled emails, phone records, text messages, social media history, bill information. Everything.

Ash 🤠: Morgan filled me in. Don’t crash out over this. It’s…bad.

P. Buckets 🏀: How did you find him?

Ash 🤠: He’s messy and too cocky. He’s been posting about Azzi since she left him.

Before she let herself start reading the file, Paige pulled the blanket off her bed and walked back out to the living room. She covered Azzi and Soleil and sat next to their heads.

She propped her feet up on the coffee table and got to reading.

After an hour of reading, Paige’s emotions had gone from anger to wrath to fury to rage. Her body was wound tightly with anger. Paige thought the things Azzi had said earlier were bad. But it was nothing compared to the six years of abuse she’d suffered.

He had messages with his father asking ways to make her stay. His dad told him to wake her up to talk the nights before she had class and to start a big fight right before a big exam. She found messages telling his friends what he’d done to trap her. Found messages about the drugs he used the night he met her. Paige found messages where he’d been stalking her, waiting to get a chance with her. He tricked her into getting on his phone plan, then turned her service off. He would change the WIFI password so she couldn’t use any of her apps. There was a lock on the refrigerator and pantry that he only opened when she was cooking for him. She wasn’t even allowed to eat the meals she’d prepared unless he said she could. She had to send him pictures of everything she ate; the portions looked like something a second grader would need. She found hundreds of messages sent to Caroline and Colleen, even a few sent to Azzi’s family.

Then Paige saw his messages to Azzi. Saw every name he ever called her. Said she was dumb and worthless for wanting to be a teacher. He told her she was lucky he was with her because no one else could love someone like her. She forgot to cook one night because she was studying, and he told her she’d be the shittiest wife. She got a bad grade on a child development exam after a night of fighting, and he told her she’d be a terrible mother. It would be child abuse to have a baby with her. He blamed her for all their issues. Blamed it on hormones, her indecisiveness, even her kindness. He would clean it up though. He would buy flowers and chocolate, telling her she couldn’t eat it because she’d gain too much weight. Then he’d say he only did it because he loved her and cared about her.

Paige locked her phone and stared at the blank tv screen. She was angry before. She was angry just by hearing the things Azzi had said.

But now, now she wanted to kill him. She would make what she did to Manny look like child’s play. She needed to hit something; she didn’t want to be this angry in front of Azzi.

She unlocked her phone again, going to the group chat.

God’s Favorites + Kamorea 🍫🍒

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Anybody home?

Muhl Rat 👯‍♀️🤞🏻🇭🇷: almost, but me and N have a date at 7. what’s up?

Baby GOAT 🐐🤣💃🏾: Me. Omw up now.

Jane from the Pyramids 🪡👸🏻🇪🇬: Meeeeeee! Me and Ice are working on Azzi’s spot.

Ice Princess ❄️👑🧚🏽‍♀️: we’re coming up now

Muhl Rat 👯‍♀️🤞🏻🇭🇷: WAIT FOR ME!!!!!

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Actively trying to avoid catching another body.

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Come in quietly. They’re sleeping.

She went to another group chat.

Beauties and the Bucket 👸🏻👸🏽🪣

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Just need y’all to stay with A and Lei til I get back.

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Maybe just turn on Bluey if they wake up. Don’t make her talk

Jana and Ice liked both messages, and Paige went to the last group chat.

Unholy Trinity 😇😈

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: Need to smash some shit before I get locked up

P Boogies 🌈🤰🏼🤪: stg no bull

Muhl Rat 👯‍♀️🤞🏻🇭🇷: parking now. can use staging room??

Paige heard the elevator ding, and she stood up quietly, not wanting to risk waking the two. She looked at them and got stuck.

Since she got back home, she hadn’t really taken the chance to look at them. Soleil and Azzi. Together. They looked like everything Paige wanted; something she thought she could never have. She wanted to crawl in next to them and never move again.

That’s how the girls found her. Bent over looking at the nappers with a look of awe on her face.

Nika let out a quiet cough, making Paige straighten up quickly. “You don’t look like you’re about to kill someone.”

Her face darkened again, and she stalked towards the quartet. “Nika, KK, let’s go.”

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The women rode the elevator down to the thirtieth floor. The apartment she chose was perfectly staged. The perfect canvas to ruin.

Paige’s body was wound tight, like a spring ready to explode. She held the door open for Nika and KK. Paige walked past them. She paced the length of the living room, fisting and releasing her hands, rubbing her face and hair with rough movements. Trying to release some of the anger without being too destructive.

Her breath got louder and quicker. She picked up one of the magazines off the coffee table. There was a dull thud when it hit the wall. She knocked a glass off the coffee table, a little tension releasing when it shattered.

Then she exploded.

Couch cushions were ripped. The fruit bowl on the counter was launched at another wall. A dining room chair was used to destroy the glass coffee table before she smashed the chair until it was broken. One of the chair legs was smashed into the oven door and induction cooktop. She used a different one to swing at the refrigerator until it was dented. Lamps were thrown and broken. The common areas destroyed.

Paige paused to look around the room. She felt a little better, but when she looked back at the kitchen, she remembered.

He told her she needed to lose weight. She was fucking perfect. She cooked for that bitch, and he didn’t even let her eat. And she thought he loved her, that she was lucky to be with him.

Her temper flared again.

She yanked the broken oven handle off the door and headed for the bathroom. The glass shower doors were her next victim. The sound of the glass showering down was cathartic. The toilet took a little longer to break, but Paige was persistent. She went to the sink, gripping the sides tightly. Her breath was ragged. She couldn’t calm down; she was so angry. She wanted to punch the mirror, but she knew it would cut her hand up, and she didn’t want to scare Azzi with her violence.

She tugged off her hoodie and wrapped her hand and struck. Her destruction started again. Mirrors, walls, doors. All of them fell victim to her fists and kicks.

Paige ended up back in the living room. Azzi didn’t deserve any of that. I have to fix it.

She fell to her knees next to the glass from the coffee table.

Nika moved first. She squatted beside Paige, making sure to miss the debris. “Come on, let’s sit.”

Somehow, Paige had missed one of the armchairs and two dining room seats.

The blonde glared at her little sister, “Did you know what he did to her?”

KK’s eyes widened, “She didn’t tell us anything outside of him being too controlling. Not letting her make decisions, stuff like that. What happened?” She asked warily.

Paige didn’t know what she could have told them without it crossing boundaries. “Her ex was outside the building today. Sent her into a spiral.”

The other two women tensed. “Did he do something to her?” Nika questioned.

“Not today, but I had Ash look into him. He was awful to her.” She sighed. “No one fought for her. She was all alone. Even when she got to Chicago, she was by herself.”

KK was hesitant, but she wrapped her arm around Paige’s shoulders and pulled her close. “Yeah, but she has us now. She’s going to be okay.”

“Paige, she’s seemed okay, and I think a big part of that is you and Soleil.” Nika added. “What do you want to do? I know you wanna help her, and we can help you.”

Paige ran her hands over her face. “I want to murder him.” She breathes out harshly. “I don’t know. I know she doesn’t feel safe. She feels like she fucked up. I don’t know how to help her.”

“Maybe you can just feel her out, see what she needs and do that.” KK suggested.

Paige nodded, “Yeah. Maybe that’ll be good enough. I want her to be happy.”

Nika put a hand on Paige’s leg. “You’re showing up, P. That’s more than anyone’s done for her in a while.”

“I don’t want her to feel like she’s broken.” Paige whispered, jaw clenched.

“Well make sure she isn’t.”

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Azzi wakes up to a knee in her stomach and a hand in her face. Soleil.

For a second, she doesn’t remember what happened earlier. She remembered the amazing day she’d been having with Soleil, then Grant’s face popped into her head, and she stiffened.

Soleil’s head popped up from Azzi’s neck, smile already stretched across her cute little face. “Mownin’ Azzi!”

“Good morning, Princess.” Azzi smiled, voice raspy with sleep.

Jana’s face entered Azzi’s field of view. “Hey girl! Paige left some clothes out for you to wear so you don’t have to stay in that dress.” She rubbed Soleil’s head, “Come on Lei, let’s go change.”

Azzi wandered back to Paige’s bedroom. Her bedroom wasn’t dark and sleek like Azzi had expected it to be. It was neutral and calm; Ice had done a good job in here.

On the top of her dresser was a lavender sweatsuit. The fabric was soft, like it’d been worn a million times. She pulled the dress over her head, pulling the clothes on quickly.

She was enveloped in the smell of Paige Bueckers. The smell was crisp and a little citrusy with a hint of sandalwood, vanilla, and spice. It was intoxicating.

Azzi smiled at the fuzzy socks Paige had left her. The whole outfit felt like a hug.

She strolled out to the living room, pulling the blanket from before around her. It smelled like pear and white pepper; sweet and warm all at once.

She was waiting for Soleil to come back out when the elevator dings.

Azzi’s whole body froze. He was here.

She didn’t move until a blonde head peeked around the corner. Then, she was able to breathe again.

“Oh. You’re up!” Paige started, surprised. “Did you have a good nap?”

Azzi’s head tilted a bit. Was Paige mad that she slept over here? She remembered Paige saying something to her before she went to sleep. Maybe Paige really was mad about Azzi risking Soleil’s safety.

She looked at the floor, tracing the patterns in the wood with her eyes. She nodded, too afraid to see the look of disappointment or irritation on Paige’s face.

“Good. I’m happy you were able to rest.”

Azzi’s head shot up. Brows furrowed, “You wanted me to sleep?”

“Yeah,” Paige started, walking towards the couch. “You had a rough afternoon.”

The soft look in Paige’s eyes was disarming. Azzi nodded again, still a little confused. “I was gonna chill for the rest of the day. Was thinking we could talk about the school tour, then just hang out over here. Everybody else came over an hour ago, so we’d just be vibing with the family.”

Azzi was thankful for the clear direction and path the rest of the day would take. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to make more decisions.

Soleil walked into the living room halfway through the conversation about Four Oaks. Her blue eyes moved between both women before she decided to sprawl out across them both: head in Azzi’s lap and legs on Paige’s.

She told her mom how much she liked the school, but how she still wanted Azzi to be her teacher.

“Would you like it if you went to school for the morning, then finished school with Azzi in the afternoon?” Paige suggested, looking to Azzi with her brows raised.

Soleil’s head popped up at the idea. “That’s pewfect! I get new fwiends, and I get to keep Azzi!”

“Is that okay with you, Azzi?” Paige questions. “It’ll give you more time to figure out what you want to do for work.”

Azzi nodded quickly. “Yes! That sounds perfect. No more money though.”

Soleil, satisfied with the outcome of the conversation, decided now would be the perfect time for a dance party. She rounded up the other ladies and made them all stand in the living room.

Paige pulled up Just Dance 2 on YouTube and smiled while Soleil and KK stole the show.

The rest of the day is light. Full of laughter and love. It was the most relaxed Azzi had been in a while.

Everyone sat in the dining nook to have pizza. Soleil claimed Azzi’s lap as her throne since they are “gluten fwee besties” and Azzi wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Azzi was back on the couch wrapped in the same blanket once everyone has left and Soleil has been put to sleep.

Paige sat next to her quietly, eyes glued to the muted television.

“He makes me feel broken.” Azzi whispers. “I thought I was over it, but I’m just as weak and broken as I was the day I left him.”

Paige moves a little closer, “Why do you feel like you’re broken or weak?”

“I feel like I should be over it by now. I’ve been away from him for two years, and all he had to do was look at me and I fell apart.”

“But you got away from him, Azzi. That makes you strong. A lot of people never get out.” Paige ducked her head to make sure Azzi was listening.

Azzi pulled her knees to her chest, laying her head on them to look at Paige. “I know a lot of the stuff he said isn’t true, but I don’t know the difference anymore.”

“Well stay, don’t run. I can show you. Soleil can show you. We will all show you what love looks like. Let me help you, please.” Paige’s heart cracked a little at the tears in Azzi’s eyes.

“I’m scared. I don’t know how.” Azzi whimpered.

Paige’s heart broke a little more. And she started to plan. She would do whatever she needed to make Azzi feel like the most loved woman she knew.

Paige draped on arm around Azzi’s shoulders and let the other come up to hold her face. “I’ll teach you, Az. I’ll show you. You just have to let me.” She wiped a tear as Azzi gave a single nod. “You don’t ever have to be alone again, Azzi. You’re not alone. I got you.”

[bloomzone]

Okay, so I just recognized some mistakes I’ve been doing lately literally just saved myself from repeating them again. And honestly, I noticed a lot of other students are making these same mistakes too. So here’s Part 2 of my “Study Mistakes I Did But Saved Myself Before It Was Too Late.” If you relate to any of these, take it as your sign to stop before it’s too late.

part 1

lesson 1 : the “failure” mindset.

Right now, I’m literally in this crazy state. Like the failure mode. It's insane , I do a million past papers, then I tell myself, “Yes, you did well today.” But I wake up the next day with the same mindset: No, girl, you need to do more. Like, what if all those questions don’t show up on the exam?Yes, stress can help it drives you sometimes. For me, it worked most of the time. That fear of failure push me to study harder. But don’t let failure control you. I really wish I could change my mindset, especially before big exams or finals.We always think, what if I fail instead of what if I succeed? So please, try not to stress too much. Even small efforts count. Stay motivated. I know discipline is important, but we’re human. Especially high school students there’s pressure from everywhere. Everyone expects something from you.So try to motivate yourself. Make your breakfast in the morning. Watch something motivational when you wake up. It will remind you why you're doing this.You’re a student. You need to succeed. But sometimes we lose that passion . So keep some backup motivation ready. Think: What if I succeed? Always and Study hard. Do everything you can so you can feel good and proud about urself later.

lesson 2 : using AI for essays.

Please, please, please stop using AI if you’re still doing it especially for essays idk about u use ai or not it's ur life idc but if u are a STUDENT hear me out If your exams are still a bit far and you’re using AI to do your homework, especially your essays, stop now.I swear, some classmates of mine used AI the whole year. Especially for French essays. I know not everyone is great at French even if it’s our mother tongue , some people treat it like a second language tooThere’s this one girl in my class she used ChatGPT for every single argumentative essay. And our teacher praised her: “Oh my god, I love your writing!” and gave her plus points. I got mad. Like… I wrote my essay 100% by hand, all real. And then the teacher accused ME of using AI? I was like Girl wtf 💀💀💀 this is 100% mine.And in the actual exam, that girl got 13/20 and i I got 19/20 and then the teacher believes me after •́⁠ ⁠ ⁠‿⁠ ⁠,⁠•̀.f you use AI all year, you’ll look so stupid in the exam. So please, even if you need help, don’t rely on AI. Just read articles, watch videos on YouTube, act like AI doesn’t exist.Read more, watch teachers online, documentary anything that helps you build real knowledge and vocabulary. You’ll get better and your essays will show it.

lesson 3 : Not organizing your notes.

This one is real. Please don’t do what I did: I lost every single note from first semester. I still don’t know where I put them.So if you’re someone who writes by hand, please always keep a folder next to you. As soon as you finish a paper, put it in the folder. Keep your folders in a place where no one touches them.The only thing that saved me I take pictures of my notes. So please, every time you write something important and feel like you might lose it take a photo. Just in case.

lesson 4 : Not sleeping early.

I’ve been doing this mistake recently, during prep week when we’re home from school. The stress is too much. Not because I can’t sleep I actually fall asleep in minutes. The problem is I don’t sleep early. I have no fixed schedule.If you study in the morning, you need to sleep early. I wake up around 5 or 6 a.m., but I sleep at midnight. That’s just 4–5 hours of sleep. And it’s not enough. I get headaches. I burn out.Today, for example, I woke up at 6 after sleeping at midnight. I had the worst headache. I made coffee but didn’t even drink it.Also, if you get headaches easily, be careful with coffee. Drink water first. Move around a bit before having it.So then I tried studying but couldn’t. I opened a YouTube video to study, but I couldn’t focus. I ended up lying down, playing the video on my phone, and falling asleep again with the teacher’s voice still playing I felt like a loser fr it made me so sad. So please, if you work best in the morning, be in bed at LEAAAST by 10 p.m.And if you’re a night owl and study until 2–3 a.m., please sleep long enough after that. Your brain needs it.Just be organize your sleep schedule. Everyone has their best time to focus just build your routine around it. The time will pass anyway, so spend it right.

stay healthy everyone 💭

@bloomzone

[kelzebub]

It's funny to me because I grew up very poor, and clawed my way to middle class. I didn't hurt anyone to do it, except myself, and now I hear people celebrating the idea of, like, me losing my 401k (so that I can never retire, by the way social security is going). I'm a nurse. I have been one for over 20 years and I did military and then co tinued living like I was still in poverty, in order to pay off my college debt. I was lucky enough to have saved up a down payment on a house when the market was good, and my credit rating got me a great interest rate on my mortgage. The siding needs replacing and the driveway is a mess we can't afford to fix and people on tumblr sometimes lump me in with, like, people who own private jets. It's hilarious because like whatever, I'm past the point of caring, but I can see how this would push other middle class people towards the side of the billionaires. I mean if you're gonna hate us all together, instead of understanding that the majority of us are workers too, why would I believe you and I are on the same side?

But yah billionaires go to hell.

the rich =/= someone who has something I can't afford :(

the rich = the fucking rich

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

i really hate how the impacts of anti self diagnosis and therapy glorification heavily influences my chances of being supported by people. people are supportive up to the point where they see that i'm not willing to seek therapy (because in my case they will do more harm than good and will not fix anything anyway). i can only gain reprieve if i vent once, without making the other person know i'm not planning to seek help, and then i cannot be open to this person anymore because i've met my quota of the amount of vents possible before people start feeling negative and think i'm just refusing to get better. i wish this was just me catastrophizing but it's not. it has happened multiple times and i end up having to distance myself from people. but now i'm left with no one. and the fear follows me up to this day that i can only vent anonymously to different people. but i can't gain meaningful friendships or long term support this way. like while i do generally only vent to blogs who probably will understand my view, i doubt people will appreciate me wanting to befriend them as it might come across as parasocial

No I hate how to so many people "taking meds and going to therapy" is the ONLY way to be a safe/acceptable mentally ill person. Like to me it matters so much more whether you're like. A person who is capable of communicating their needs and boundaries. A person who respects other people's boundaries. A person who reflects and learns from their mistakes. And it's not like going to therapy is the only way to become such a person or that going to therapy guarantees that you are one. "Don't vent to me about x" might be a valid personal boundary, but "you shouldn't ever talk about x outside therapy" isn't

[niuniente]

Thank you for your kind comments on my photo! I don't like to show my face simply because I still don't recognize myself from photos or mirror.

Logically I know that it is me. That is my reflection. That is my photo. But it's as familiar as, let's say, my neighbor's face. I have no emotional connection to it. It's not like there's one thing wrong but the whole thing is foreign.

At the same time I have zero idea how I should look like to go "Oh yeah, that's me! That's my reflection!" Like, many people are thinking something along the lines "If I was more this or that, if my nose was smaller, if my hair was fuller, if I had sharper eye shape". Which means that they can fix these issues and go after how they want to look.

I've had a buzz cut hair and a hair down to my waist. All hair colors except neon and black. I've been underweight and very overweight. I've gone to tomboy and to dresses with stockings and heels. Make up and no make up. Short skirts only and jewelries and cargo pants with no jewelry. Cute sporty and metal head. Piercings and no piercings. No tattoos and tattoos.

And none feels like "Yeah! I've found it! I found myself."

So that's why I don't really want to show my face or be photographed because it feels like I'm lying to all of those who see the photo while at the same time I have no idea how to replace it so that it is an accurate description of my true self.

Since this has been a mystery since I was a toddler, I'm not really expecting to discover my authentic look this lifetime. This is a mystery I have not been able to solve, not even with a help of my cards.

(and no, I don't identify or feel any connection to a trans or genderfluid options, I'm definitely a female).

[salty-autistic-writer]

Tommy has something to say. (Sequel to: Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You)

Tommy watches Evan sleep, and something painful curls around his heart. Something that wants him to slip underneath the blanket, wrap his arm around Evan, and pull him close until he can feel his heartbeat.

But he can’t do that. 

He can’t hold Evan while he sleeps. But he could hold Evan while they were having sex weeks ago, when their lips were so close they were almost touching, the shared air between them hot and filled with unuttered questions.

They haven’t even talked about … what they are now.

Friends?

Friends with one-time benefits?

Friends for whom you steal a helicopter and get chased by the army and the FBI?

Tommy isn’t sure. He isn’t sure about anything right now, but the - probably pathetic - fact that he’s happy when he can be around Evan. Even with how fragile the ground they are walking on feels right now.

He gently closes the door to allow Evan to get some more rest and sighs, running a hand through his hair.

What a mess.

When Evan texted him, Tommy thought it was because of his grief. Because he needed someone to talk to about Bobby. He didn’t expect Evan to start talking about Eddie first.

“I think I fucked up, Tommy. I … I told Eddie to leave. Because I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take him acting like I’m making Bobby’s death about myself. It made me so angry. I think I destroyed our friendship. I just couldn’t look at him anymore. He said he doesn’t know if I did enough to save Bobby, because he wasn’t there. It’s not fair. How can he say that, Tommy? He knows what Bobby meant to me. He does!

God. Everything is already so broken, and now I broke this too. I feel horrible. And I hoped Eddie would want to talk. That he would want to … to fix this. But he just left. I hate when people do that! Why do they always have to leave.”

Tommy winced at that.

But he was more focused on the way Evan was blaming himself.

“You did the right thing,” he said, pushing his anger away, running his hand over Evan’s back. “Your emotions are valid. And if you needed to be angry at Eddie in that moment. It was valid too."

Evan nodded, but he still looked so sad. So small. So haunted. "It still hurts so much," he said quietly. "And I can't see a future in which it will hurt less."

He cried, and then he fell asleep, exhausted without a doubt.

Tommy pours himself a glass of water in the kitchen and quietly wonders about what he’s supposed to do with himself now. Should he stay and wait for Evan to wake up? Should he leave? Maybe he should take care of dinner … It’s almost painful, though, to look at the fridge. To think back to the day he was making breakfast here. Not for the first time, Tommy curses himself. He shouldn’t have walked out so fast that day … 

Old habits die hard. Old fears, too.

His thought process is interrupted when he hears the front door opening. Surprised, Tommy perks up. His first suspicion turns out to be true.

“Buck?” Eddie walks in and falters when he discovers Tommy, confusion and surprise on his face. “Oh.”

The last time they saw each other, it was at the funeral. They didn’t exchange more than a look and a nod, though. Tommy didn’t have the energy to think about this friendship that ended so abruptly. Not that it was a surprise. He’s used to short-term friendships. But now, looking at Eddie, he feels anger bubbling up inside of him.

After a few heartbeats, Eddie forces a smile on his face, rubbing the back of his head. “Uh. Hey, Tommy. Didn’t expect to see you here. I forgot a bag. Just wanted to pick it up. Is Buck here?”

Tommy doesn’t even try to smile. “He’s sleeping right now.”

Eddie keeps that awkward smile on his face, putting his hands on his hips. “Oh. Alright. I was hoping I could tell him I’m not angry at him or something.”

Tommy grits his teeth. “I don’t think that’s what you should tell him,” he says coldly.

Eddie frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I think you should apologise,” Tommy says, crossing his arms over his chest. “For accusing him of making Bobby’s death about himself. You say that a lot, you know? That he’s making things about himself.”

Eddie looks a bit taken aback for a moment, but then he asks, “What, you keep a list?”, clearly trying to joke his way out of the conversation. 

Tommy looks at him deadpan. “Yes. I do, actually. The bachelor's party. The wedding. That one time when he was trying to communicate his feelings about Chris being in Texas, and you shut that down fast. Now. I keep counting.”

Eddie stares at him, lips slightly parted, brows furrowed. Finally, he scoffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “And? What am I supposed to say? I know Buck. I’ve known Buck much longer than you. It’s something he does. He’s very emotional. He always gets so worked up, and then he spirals. You have to tell him so he notices and pulls himself out of that. Bobby’s death hit us all hard, but I don’t feel like Buck can see that. He’s too deep in his own head for that …”

“His feelings are valid,” Tommy grits out, the rage pulsing in synch with his heartbeat now, his blood rushing in his ears. He can’t believe the things he just heard. “He’s grieving his father figure. He’s allowed to feel as much as he wants. How dare you talk about him like this? Like, he’s not constantly thinking about everyone else? About you and the 118? His friends, his family? He thinks about how he can help everyone, fix everything, hold things together, and you have the audacity to tell him he’s making things about himself?! And don’t get me started on Bobby’s death. You told him that maybe he didn’t do enough? What would you have done, Eddie, huh? What difference would it have made if you had been there? We did everything we could.”

“I never said Buck’s feelings aren’t valid,” Eddie says under his breath, his smile completely gone now, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. “And you don’t know what would have been different if I had been there, because I wasn’t. You were there, though. And isn’t that interesting? Wasn’t it you who broke up with him? Wasn’t it you who left him alone in the loft? You walked out. You abandoned him. You didn’t text or call him. And you know who he came to? He came to me. He sat on my couch, and he drank my beer, and he told me what you did to him. So what are you doing here, Tommy, acting like you have the moral high ground?”

Tommy swallows. Eddie’s words do sting. He remembers Evan’s pain-filled eyes all too well. “Yeah, I broke up with him. I never stopped caring about him, though. So when he called, I came. I know what he lost. I know what he needs. Someone who listens. Someone who comforts him. You clearly couldn’t do that, even though you’re supposed to be his best friend. You couldn’t take a moment to listen to him and hug him? Really?”

Eddie chews on his lip, shaking his head. “You know, I’m tired of having this conversation with you. Maybe you should leave, Tommy. Didn’t you think of me as “competition” anyway? That’s how well you know Buck, huh? You think he was in love with his straight best friend all this time? That’s kind of sad, bro, I’m not going to lie.”

“Don’t call me that. Don’t call me bro,” Tommy bursts. “Not when you immediately stopped talking to me after I broke up with Evan, Diaz!”

“Oh, we are at Diaz now?” Eddie sneers. “Well, what did you expect, Kinard ? Did you really think I would continue being friends with you after you walked out on Buck? Really. How pathetic are you? Anyway. If Buck needs someone to talk to and someone to hug him, he will tell me. He’s a big boy.”

The pulses of rage change into a storm. Tommy takes a step towards Eddie, forcing himself to keep his voice low. “I’m not going anywhere. Evan asked me to come, so I did. He told you to leave, though, so you should do that. Plenty of hotels around here. And I’m warning you, Diaz, Evan comes first. He will always come first for me. His well-being is what concerns me, no matter if we are together right now or not. I care for him deeply. So I swear, if you ever act that aggressive towards him again, if you ever shove a finger in his face or invade his space or blame him for his emotions again, I will be there to put you in your place, do you understand me?”

“Oh, so now he needs protecting?” Eddie asks, raising a brow. “Is that what you are here for? Maybe you do see Buck as a child, needing you, big strong man, to fight his battles?”

“Shut up, Diaz, or I swear I will -” Tommy starts, but then stops because he sees Evan entering the living room, looking between them.

“Buck,” Eddie starts.

“I told you to leave,” Evan says, crossing his arms over his chest. “Why are you still here?”

“He forgot something,” Tommy says coldly, glaring down at Eddie. “But he was just about to leave. Isn’t that right?”

Eddie’s working his jaw. He looks like he wants to say something else. But finally, he just nods. “Yeah. I’m on my way. This place doesn’t feel like home anymore anyway. Goodbye, Buck. Take care.”

He grabs his bag and then he leaves without another word or a look back, slamming the door.

Evan looks at Tommy, and Tommy wonders how much of the argument he has heard.

“I think we should talk,” Evan says quietly.

(AO3 Link)

[acid-ixx]

You said that every character has a chapter, but does that include more side characters like Steph, duke, Cass, and Babs? I see more of the batboys (-duke) in your content so I was wonderi mr what type of characterization you were hang for them, what comics you’re basing them off of. Plus its said that Steph once rejected readers offer to watch a movie together, would she remember that? Would she trh to overcorrect herself like dick? You also said that reader fears duke with his powers (I'm not too sure when but I think it was somewhere) how would he react to that? Honestly if I was scared of duke I would be terrified of Cass because she's a fucking killing machine

— masterlist !

when i say that every character included in the batfam will have their own chapter, i genuinely mean it. even bruce's cousin, kate, will make an appearance! duke and steph specifically will be focal characters for chapter 6, since that's when i'll finally unravel very pivotal parts of the past you shared with them; especially with that one scene where i vaguely mentioned how duke remembered you doing something for him which potentially saved his life, alongside how some heavy afflicted gried that stephanie felt during her own mourning is spent right beside you.

the only reason why i laid off of writing them for a while is also because i had to read a lot of comics just to fully grasp their concepts. i'll admit that i made plenty of mischaracterizations (especially with coffee addict tim, or overly joyous steph, when she's always been a crash out lmao, which i'll fix sooner or later). so far, i read cass' batgirl runs, i also like babs more as the oracle as someone disabled myself so the comics i read for her are only those where she is oracle, i also read pre-52 stephanie brown runs, and for duke, his was the easiest to read with the we are robin run alongside a lot of tie-ins.

and yes, you are absolutely terrified of the stronger characters like duke and cassandra. yes, the main four brothers are units, too, but you're way more familiar with their antics whilst cass and duke were introduced later on into the batfamily, so imagine the utter terror of having to learn that another killing machine is introduced (cass) into the family and the fear of going through the same, or even worse, treatment you went through with damian, or someone with metahuman powers who could potentially blind you or know your every movement due to his ability to pinpoint someone's location?

though i'd say that fear is more-so always overlayed with jealousy at just how easily they can integrate into the family and how, as always, you never really fit into the puzzle piece unlike them, who's so easily been accepted for who they are, unlike you, who couldn't even get bruce to look you straight into the eye. best believe, when they get their hands on your own journals and discovering how left out you are because of them, their own guilt would just cause them to always need you to be in the picture and open up opportunities for stephanie to 'bond' with you like you once did all those years ago when you accompanied her when she was all alone in the kitchen, close to giving up— and trust me, with duke's light powers, he's more than capable of finding all your hiding spots. couple that with cass' greatness at reading body language, she'll immediately know it when your body prepares you to escape which makes you run out of a lot of opportunities to even fight back.

[lilithlounge]

Sun and Uranus Conjunction

Hey 🐥, as a Taurus myself, I need you to understand how personally attacked I feel by this transit 😤. So yes, I’m feeling things. Yes, I’m processing and no, I did not ask for my comfort zone to be thrown into a blender. But here we are, so let’s talk about it.

Hold onto your bullhorn, because the Sun is kissing wild Uranus in Taurus today and this is huge. Astrologers are calling this mix electrifying, since the ego-Sun is fusing with Uranus’s rebel spark. Basically the universe is dropping a lightning bolt on our grounding vibes: Taurus, the stable bull never asked for this kind of shake-up. And get this, it’s the last time this tango happens in Taurus for 84 years. Uranus bolts into Gemini this summer, so it’s a one in a generation cocktail. If you thought your comfort zone was cozy, prepare for a jolt! I’m a fixed Taurus myself and I don’t like it one bit but we have to go with the flow.

So what’s that mean for us? Picture your identity and values (the Sun in Taurus) getting a sudden upgrade from Mr. Anything-Goes (Uranus). Sun–Uranus is literally one of the most electrifying aspects because it fuses who we think we are with who we want to be when we break the rules. In practice, that can look like wild inspiration or unexpected freedom. When this play happens in Taurus (the bull that loves routine), it shakes up everything solid: money, habits, security. Uranus in Taurus is the rebel that challenges traditional values, disrupts established norms and pushes for revolutionary changes in the material world. In other words, baby kiss me. That’s another song, sorry. For real, it’s nudging us to tear up the old playbook about what makes us feel safe and grounded. Maybe it’s time to rethink that side hustle, budget plan or even your wardrobe, the universe loves drama, after all. This transit literally calls us to revolutionize our values and the way we interact with the physical world. So if you feel like your inner bull is being prodded to run wild, that’s normal . Taurus is being woken up by cosmic puppy energy, as I like to say and change is on the menu.

Meanwhile, in the background, Pluto is retrograding in Aquarius (this kicked off May 4 and goes into October). Imagine the god of transformation (Pluto) doing shadow work in the sign of the Water-Bearer. It’s like the collective is on a collective therapy couch: secrets and deep truths are bubbling to the surface of our digital and social networks. In rebel, freedom loving Aquarius this retrograde is filtered through innovation, individuality and collective consciousness, and it urges us to break free from outdated systems and question what really serves the group. Think of it as a tech detox or a society audit: we’re rethinking the power we give to social media, our jobs, our friendships, our governments. Hidden patterns or buried truths may resurface (remember that weird text from an old friend? Or that glitch in the news you ignored?), potentially delivering shocks that jolt you awake. In short, Pluto in Aquarius retrograde is pushing collective evolution, it’s the collective wake up call to rebuild stronger foundations.

And don’t forget the emotional beat dropped last week The Full Moon in Scorpio 🌕🦂! That was our cue to feel it all and let go. Full moons are classic release points and Scorpio’s intensity meant we were detoxing on a deeeeeep level. Under that Moon we were reminded that fear and vulnerability aren’t enemies; they’re teachers. Scorpio energy is all about emotional depth and transformation, so last week we probably confronted something shadowy (jealousy, secret desires, grief) and were asked to flush it out. Honor what scares you, because embracing our fears would make us wiser. In other words, we were given permission to be human, shaky and all and it only builds our strength.

So what do we expect? transformation through disruption with a side of embodiment and collective evolution. Taurus brings the body and the bootstraps (we’re in this life, physically), Scorpio brings the soul-shaking release and Aquarius-Pluto brings the big picture overhaul. It’s like the universe is cleaning out the attic, basement and high rise at once. Feel those Uranian jolts in your body (maybe literally, you might twitch or get goosebumps when that new idea hits). Think about what emotions the Scorpio Moon unlocked and what seeds those planted. And notice how the Pluto retrograde in Aquarius energy might be poking at your social or work circles, what old narrative needs an update?

This is one of those rare times when the stars practically hand you a pen: write it out, scream into a pillow or dance with your journal (no judgment here 😂). Encourage yourself to reflect on where you’re resisting change or clinging to safe habits. The bull can charge forward into the unknown, after all, Taurus energy is about grounded persistence and the scorpion has shown us how to shed old skin. Pluto is testing us so we can rebuild better together.

So yeah….*sighs* these sky events are serving up a wild, soul baring punch. Lean into it: keep those channels open, trust that intuitive lightning bolt and let yourself be reborn a little. Write down your feelings, meditate in nature or even vent about it online with your astrology crew (that’s basically cosmic therapy). This won’t come around for another 84 years, so you might as well dance in the rain it brings and see what grows afterward. Good luck, we’ve got this 😉🖤.

Book a reading on Buy Me A Coffee or Ko-Fi 🖤.

[factual-fantasy]

29 Asks! Thank you! :)) ✏️

My dearest compadre I am left handed

@ardent-38

WOAH hold your horses there friend! Octo and Seafoam aren't a couple- they're more akin to brothers than anything. So there will be no kissing in any scenario I conjure up for them <XDD

But other than that-- WAHGGGG THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! 😭😭😭🥰🥰 YOUR MESSAGE MEANT SO MUCH TO MEEEE!!! 😭😭🥰💞💞 --and honestly have encouraged me to reconsider drawing that idea!! :00 So thank you for that too! :DDDD

A force shutdown isn't the word I'd use to describe cybertronian fainting.. "force" sounds more like someone on the outside doing something to Ratchet to make him shut down when he is otherwise healthy/ok. Rather than something going wrong internally.

Like if he was going under for surgery, maybe when he goes under it could be called "force shutdown" as well as "inducing stasis".

Now a "system failure" or "system crash" might be more appropriate for fainting or suddenly collapsing. When Ratchet injected the Synth-en maybe his systems were overwhelmed by the foreign substance and he suffered a complete system crash and collapsed.💔

Something tells me that wouldn't work somehow, but I don't have all the technical knowhow to really explain why that would be a bad idea <XD I'm sure Ratchet could explain why that would be bad.

Hmmm, good question...

The only thing that comes to mind is for Raf I headcanon that he is fluent in sign language and that's how he communicates with/understands Bee. (My version of Bee communicates with sign language, not random beeps and boops that Raf somehow magically understands)

@rainbowwatermelon7

A drawing of mine doesn't feel complete or "safe to post" unless its been watermarked. But it could be different for you and that's ok :0

I mostly draw the scribbly head when I'm feeling well, and the drippy head when I am unwell in someway. I have been dealing with some health problems for well over a year now so drawing myself drippy became my new norm. <XD But its starting to get old so I might return to the scribble head just for the fun of it tbh-

I just like to draw it a bright and fun red instead of a dull and realistic dark red :00

Probably mentally break down and die somehow. 🫠 I couldn't handle living in a world where our planet and everyone on it could be destroyed by Megatron at any moment. Let alone being on the front lines along side the Autobots.

I do have other social medias, but they are all private/just for viewing other peoples art. This is the only one I post artwork to :00

Bibi you mean? I guess I was inspired by cats <XD But I cant remember anything specific that inspired me other than that.

@zecromgen5

Nothing specific I can share online, 😅 but yeah things have been alright!

I only know of YouTube <:( That's where I watched it back then.

@candyglumboy

Aww! The boys!! :DD

(Referencing this post)

Same ✋😔

@milk-powrit

My favorite of the beasts is Mystic Flour, for personality, powers and design. The others are alright I suppose <XD

I would probably be poisoned and die within the day 💀

If you mean if I was a transformer tho, I'd probably become really emotionally unstable like Ratchet was and just sob uncontrollably until I burned through it all 😅

I've seen it floating around Tumblr, but I never really looked into it <:0

He's recruiting more Autobots it seems XDDD

They might not want to fish, but they'd like to watch the koi swim around! :)

AAAA Thank you so much!!! :DDD

@florafandoms

Ough... so old.. 💔💔

Also thank you so much!! :DD

@misscherrypie (Pics from this post)

XDD I was hoping people would notice that. I think a hug from Bibi would fix me 🥺🥺

Pick up a pencil and my friend you have the power to bring a flood 🌊

@briandraws

My spirit animal ngl

@wolfie-777

Hey that cat is pretty cute! We should make a beloved internet meme about it! :D

@kaiserdarken

I have no idea <:0 Since MatPat took a step back from his channels I haven't been keeping up with any new FNAF lore 😔

@beryl-shade

I would obliterate the fleas with my Mary sue mind powers. No fleas shall cause my babies discomfort ☝️☝️

I have now. <XD How bizarre-

[stu-dyingstudent]

Sakura Haruno fic recs: one-shots

Well, the time has come for me to make a list for all of the one-shot warriors!

I'm more of a long fic lover myself, but I certainly do appreciate a good one-shot every so often. There's always the bonus that you're guaranteed an ending too.

Started: 2025.04.26

Last Updated: 2025.05.18

note: feel free to check out my master list which has a bunch of Sakura Haruno fic recs (all organized)!

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That Awkward Conversation - Lady Silvamord || ffn || T || itasaku || post-war AU || one-shot complete

Sakura and Itachi have a rather embarrassing problem. Post-Fourth War AU. Humor.

As it turns out, Itachi may be handsome, but he certainly cannot kiss... Super cute and funny one-shot where Sakura finds the courage to tell Itachi about their "problem" and he makes sure to fix it!

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xenograft - Mixelation || ao3 || T || gen || Orochimaru in Konoha AU || one-shot complete

Orochimaru-sama comes to the Academy and asks for the student with the best calligraphy.

Morally grey Sakura?? Yes please! Orochimaru basically recruits academy Sakura to help out in his labs. I've always thought that Sakura would probably thrive under Orochimaru's teachings (if they were ethical), so Xenograft was quite enjoyable!

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it's history - aobears || ao3 || T || madasaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Haruno Sakura grows up with her own name in her textbooks. Granted it’s not actually her name--she shares it with another, but the woman she shares it with is Uchiha Sakura, and that’s exactly the name she’s been doodling in her notebooks.

Cute time travel where Sakura unknowingly grows up dreaming of being like herself. Everything starts to click together once she's actually had her jutsu mishap and realizes just what happened lol. Consists of her and Madara being dorks.

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once more unto the breach - Jorque || ao3 || T || gen || time loop AU || one-shot complete

Sakura isn't exactly thrilled when she learns that her partner for her first major mission since making chunin would be her old sensei. When that mission turns into an ambush, she's pretty sure that the mission couldn't possibly get any worse. When time starts looping, she decides to stop temping fate.

Super fun time loop fic! As much as I love time travel AU, I actually haven't read many that are loops, but Once More Unto the Breach was great. If you enjoy platonic moments between Kakashi and Sakura (like myself), then you'll certainly want to read this one.

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a deep breath - spideywhiteys || ao3 || T || shisaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Haruno Sakura hasn't always known what or who she would be. She built a life out of broken bones and scorched what-ifs, lingering daydreams and sharp antiseptic. At the most pivotal moment of their battle against Kaguya she stood shoulder to shoulder with two boys she always fell just short of, and she flew. Then she fell. Three inches to the right and ten years back.

I love I love!!! What can I say? If you're no stranger to my lists then you know I'm a sucker for anything with Shisui. Sakura gets sent back in time, but there also seems to be some genetic modification that happened in the process. Her, Shisui, and Itachi spend their days together and the banter is so fun! Very domestic and/or slice of life at times.

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shaking up and breaking down - SafelyCapricious || ao3 || T || itasaku || time travel || one-shot series

Sakura has died, and ended up in...here. She's still not sure where here is, but she's definitely here and she's going to make sure nothing happens to her precious people even if she has to die (again) to keep them safe.

This is actually a series of one-shots, but you could just read the first and stop if you want. Freshly time travelled Sakura ends up stumbling upon Sasuke and Naruto being kidnapped and steps in. However, things aren't exactly smooth sailing once they get back to the village... It's fun though, trust. Super enjoyable and very minor romance.

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the pretty one - theformerone || ao3 || G || gen || canon divergence || one-shot complete

Kakashi is maybe ten seconds too late to redirect the assassination techniques. Sakura leaps in between them because those who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.

Well, Sakura gets stabbed by Naruto and Sasuke on the hospital rooftop... There's some nice team bonding here as they work past that traumatic incident. Kakashi was great with the kids as well!

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Summer Ending to a Winter Night - Lolibat || ao3 || T || tobisaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

It starts with an injured Inuzuka. As always, the Inuzuka show up completely unannounced, metaphorically knocking on her door by collapsing in a bloody pile right in front of her porch. The dog included. She opens her door, blinks, and looks down. Well, what's a girl gotta do? Leave them for dead?

Very rarely do I stumble across a tobisaku fanfic! Summer Ending to a Winter Night is pretty sweet. Sakura has travel back to the warring states period and just wants to live a simple life in her cottage. However, she just can't turn a blind eye to any injured soul.

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back and then forward - fencesit || ao3 || T || madasaku || time travel AU || one-shot complete

Her client either doesn't actually know the ninja's name or (equally likely) knows that ninja of this era despise introductions, but Sakura knows the name of her new coworker: Uchiha Madara is standing in front of her, wild-haired and distinctively relaxed, looking no older than her — not quite a teenager anymore, coming into his full adult height and broad shoulders, but much younger than he had looked during the Fourth War.

You guys, this was beyond cute! Like, seriously. Sakura is sent back in time to the warring states period and decides to do some work as a travelling medic. It's there she finds herself, although somewhat briefly, working alongside Madara. Afterwards, they keep in touch and just trust me that the ending is great!

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Let Her Go by jokergirl2001 || ffn || T || sasusaku || post-war AU || one-shot/incomplete

"Sorry Sasuke-kun, I'm busy. Maybe another time?" Sasuke's eyebrows twitched while everyone laughed at the irony.

Note: Based on the author's note, this was intended to be a multi-chapter fic; however, only one chapter was released. I think that it can be read as a one-shot and thus have put it on this list, but it is technically incomplete.

I seriously love this author! The dialogue is so natural and flows easily. This storyline is pretty fun as it's just Sasuke getting teased about him being annoyed that Sakura hasn't spoken to him in a while.

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Early Mornings and Half-Cooked Eggs - OfPaintAndOil || ffn || T || gen || post-war AU || one-shot complete

A post-war torn Sakura Haruno is periodically woken up by Kakashi Hatake, who seems determined to make sure she eats breakfast and not sleep in. He's not the best cook, but his half-cooked eggs are all she can stomach when she can manage to get out of bed. At least he'll read to her in bed, though his choice in literature is questionable. Rated T for depression and PTSD. COMPLETE.

Sakura falls into a post-war depression. I'm fairly certain that this is technically kakasaku, but I read it more in a platonic sense and so that's why I tagged it as gen. You could read it as either imo. Regardless, it's a very genuine story about Kakashi just trying to help Sakura while she's in this state. He isn't overbearing, but he is present and that's what matters.

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I Found You Missing - Wolfy Tales || ffn || T || kakasaku || pen-pal AU || one-shot complete

'They're asking us because these soldiers have absolutely no one left to write home to,' Sakura thought with a frown. So she signs up for the Shinobi Letter Exchange, not realizing how large the consequences would be. - AUish one-shot [KakaSaku]

Sakura ends up becoming Kakashi's pen-pal while he's out fighting in the war. They don't actually meet and/or know each other's identities until near the end I believe. Anyways, this is very well written and such an interesting concept!

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Inconvenience - DeepPoeticGirl || ffn || K+ || sasusaku || genin days || one-shot complete

/Team 7. Very slight SasuSaku./ Sakura unexpectedly gets her period during a mission. One of her teammates is naturally a complete idiot about it, but the other two are surprisingly... not. ONESHOT. Genin!Team 7.

Sasuke is pretty sweet about the fact that Sakura got her period. I wish that more fics explored the idea that genin are also awkward tweens and so they'd be going through the horror of puberty lol.

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The Planets Will Keep Spinning - Shonashee || ffn || K+ || sasusaku || genin days || one-shot complete

The week that Sakura had a crush on Kakashi and was nearly killed for her hair. Otherwise known as just another week with Team 7. / / A slice of life from when they were genin. Sakura-centric.

Honestly, I feel like most people had a crush on their teacher at one point... Sakura ends up seeing Kakashi without his mask and forms a bit of a crush. Kakashi obviously thinks it's pretty funny, but Sasuke and Naruto aren't that thrilled. Pretty cute.

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Bunk Mates - ice bitten || ffn || T || gen || canon divergence || one-shot complete

In which Sasuke and Naruto find out Sakura has been sleeping over at Sai's. Short stories surrounding Sakura, Sai, and the invasive people of Konoha.

Really funny fic where Sakura and Sai become roommates. However, their odd sleeping situation leads to some misunderstandings. I adore Sai, so of course this was such a treat for me! Highly recommend for something fun.

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I forget where we were - snis (a_sassin) || ao3 || M || sasusaku || hunger games AU || one-shot complete

“Sakura, it's me - Kakashi." For a moment she lets herself think. These people have mistaken her for someone else – that, or they’ve kidnapped her and they’re liars. “Who are you, and what do you want with me?”

This is for all of my Hunger Games fans! Set during Catching Fire and basically Sakura is in Peeta's place. There's mentions of torture, etc., but her relationship with Sasuke is very interesting here. I also thought that it was so fitting for Kakashi to be their mentor!

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one step forward (one punch back) - a_sassin || ao3 || T || sasusaku || modern AU || one-shot complete

The one where Sakura partakes in cage fighting to pay her tuition and rent. She has just enough left to feed herself - sparingly - at the end of the day, but it's not so bad.

Thoroughly enjoyed One Step Forward! Something about this fic just has me obsessed. I've always loved boxing and straight up hand-to-hand combat, so Sakura doing cage fighting had me hooked. The entire cast has great characterizations and the post-fic headcanons left by the author were a pleasant surprise!

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I know, I know!! I said that I would be updating my sasusaku list a few weeks ago, but I got lazy and then I wanted to make this one lol. Forgive me TT-TT

[some1s-sista]

Competitive Shopping on a Saturday

It was a beautiful day for an auction!

I was going for three things specifically (I went to the preview yesterday) a new dryer, a four poster bed, and a dresser.

Our dryer started making the most obnoxious noise almost 2 years ago and the husband couldn’t fix it, so we just shut the door and ignored it. BUT the last couple weeks it’s taken 2 cycles to dry anything and the last couple days it has literally been tearing up our clothes - my bra, a couple shirts, my husbands brand new shirts. So it was time. Y’all, they had a dryer there that I swear has never been used. It was so clean! No lint in the hose, no lint in the screen. A pristine GE. I got it for $100 !!! Whaaaaat?

The bed and dresser are for the boy. The kid is still using the dresser that was his changing table/dresser when he was born!!!! And his sister before him. So it barely holds his clothes. And yes, he’s sleeping in a bed that was his crib! It was one of those convertibles that turn into a day bed and then just a head board. But the man is 6’3” and it sits so low to the ground. He’s also 21 and even though he’s developmentally delayed, he was ready for an “adult” room. He’s been picking things out with me. He still wants a blue room, but the maps and toys are going except for the plushies. No one touch his plushies! And that’s fine with me. We’re going to put up shelving around the perimeter of his room so he can get all the plushies up out of the laundry baskets and put them on display and the cats can’t mess with them. He’s got plants vs zombies, Pokémon, angry bird, and Peanuts plushies. He collects them.

So I still need to find him a night stand and a desk, oh and he wants a mirror. But that should be pretty easy to find.

And then for fun, the hubs got a barrel for the secret neighborhood bar, and I got an old Yarn Winder to go with my spinning wheel.

What I didn’t win…a giant tobacco basket, and an old victrola. I’ve always wanted one and it killed me to not even bid on it, but there was no room in the Yukon. MFer went for $35!!! And it worked, and it came with the old records too! I’ll be kicking myself for that one for a long time!

Fun day with the husband. But now I have to gear up for switching around the boy’s room with his new furniture. It’s heavy and he’s on the 2nd floor 😬

[cressidagrey]

not gonna lie I scream when I saw there was a new chapter

verstappen just being iconic like always, not surprised there, I'm just so happy Belle has a really amazing support group, it's what she deserves, I'm gonna start to ramble so I apologize for how long this is gonna be

first, I can't believe they also missed her graduation, like Belle baby, I'm so sorry I wasn't your mother, she just deserves the world I'm actually crying

I actually appreciate Arthur not making this about him (no like someone who's names starts with a C) he still has a long way to go with a lot of apologies and actually being there for Belle, but this was a good start for them reconnecting

I'm like a little hesitant with Lorenzo but curious about how he is gonna handle all of this, like I feel him being the oldest is like more hard to forgive because he is the person she was supposed to have when no one noticed she was not okay, as a little sister I can't imagine how hard that was for Belle

now, Pascale, I'm just not satisfied about her pain right now, like it feels not completely honest, and making it about herself more than about Belle, it's the same with charles, like THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, it's about the pain you caused on this angel, they have a really long journey to go if they don't realize what is the problem

charles is so annoying I just want to get myself in this universe and give him a putazo (like a punch just in Spanish😭) I'm still speechless his first thought was that she married Jos, like how stupid can you be, I'm so glad Arthur and Fred traid to put some sense in his dumb mind, but bless him (not really) he needs to start using his brain cells, not everything is gonna solve being pretty

anyway that was so long and I apologize but I needed to vent, can't wait to the next chapter of this beautiful story (I genuinely was seeing if there was a new chapter every hour, that's how obsessed I'm with this)

Your message is honestly everything! 😭💖 I’m so glad you loved the new chapter! I can feel all the emotions you’re going through, and trust me, I feel the pain with you. Belle deserves the world, and it’s honestly heartbreaking that they missed her graduation. She’s so strong, and I’m so glad she has an incredible support system now.

Arthur’s growth is definitely a step in the right direction, and I’m glad you appreciate him not making it about him this time. But you’re right—he’s still got a lot of work to do. As for Lorenzo, I get your hesitation. Being the oldest sibling and the one who should’ve been there for Belle is a lot, and I think we’re going to see his character evolve as he realizes how much he failed her. Belle’s position as the overlooked middle sister is tough, and it makes her journey that much harder to watch.

Pascale? Ugh, I hear you. Her pain is definitely more about her own guilt and ego than Belle’s suffering. It’s frustrating to watch her try to make it about herself when she has done so much damage. And Charles? Don’t even get me started. I wish you could step into the universe and give him that “putazo”! 😂 He really needs to stop thinking everything can be fixed with his looks, and I’m glad Arthur and Fred are trying to knock some sense into him.

Your venting is totally valid, and I’m so glad you feel comfortable sharing all your thoughts! You’re amazing, and I love that you’re so obsessed with the story. I promise there’s more to come, and I’m so excited to continue this journey with you. 💖✨ Thank you for your incredible feedback!

[bigwampwamp]

I’m starting to get Fuentes fatigue.

Like, he can be so funny and smart and entertaining, but subjecting myself to the constant bitterness and negativity he and has fans funnel is taking its toll on me spiritually and emotionally more so than I initially realized I know that my issue is.

I’m captivated and drawn to him because I saw so much of myself in him and in his story, and I felt an immense sense of compassion for him. I felt like if I could show him love and compassion that I could finally make him happy, but it was another classic episode of “I can fix him: the delusion.”

Idk what to do now. I want to build my own platform and my own following through total and complete transparency and honesty about all of my thoughts and feelings, but I don’t have the freedom to speak openly about my newly developing and conflicting feelings surrounding Nick.

He actually hates women and I don’t just think it’s a bit. He knows what’s right and what’s wrong. He knows that hate is wrong, he knows he needs to reform the movements image to one of love, he says all these great things, but he hasn’t actually let that permeate his heart. He’s still holding onto bitterness for dear life.

He says the most amazing and beautiful things in one breath then lashes out in the next. It’s emotional whiplash. I think a lot of it probably stems from the fact that he doesn’t want to alienate his loyal audience of bitter and negative people because that’s the majority of who he has listening to him and has already been ostracized by everyone else.

I also think he himself holds a lot of bitterness and negativity in his heart due to his circumstances. I totally understand how someone could end up that way, and I do genuinely feel bad for him and what he’s endured, but at the end of the day the disposition of your heart is entirely your choice.

Being cold and harsh and angry feels safer than being meek and compassionate and empathetic and vulnerable. Most people would rather be like Fuentes than like me in order to feel powerful and resistant against pain and against people looking to inflict it. I can totally understand that. Being a soft hearted person is painful and it does suck.

At one point I was so exhausted of feeling pain so deeply in my soul that I prayed for God to harden my heart so that I wouldn’t care or suffer any longer. That was a horrible mistake that I’ve long since repented of and be healed from. It was horrible. It’s an awful and poisonous feeling. It’s not at all worth it. I’d rather suffer with the light than triumph in darkness.

I don’t hate Nick and I still do see good in him, and I pray for him daily, but it’s starting to really weigh me down idk. I’m not even sure where I’m going with this.

[roombagreyjoy]

I am now Healed (finally uninstalled TikTok)

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

[a-thousand-pots]

Good review! I agree with almost everything here, with a few small additions and caveats.

1. The devs fix stuff! Whenever an issue that’s unambiguously describable as a ‘bug’ pops up, it’s usually less than a few weeks before it’s fixed.

They’re also on the lookout for ways to rework systems to be more intuitive, more performant or more interesting to use.

A recent example of this is the fluids change in 2.0, which made large scale fluid systems much easier to implement (trading off computational simplicity against real-world physics). Another is the beacons rework - which traded off mathematical simplicity against interesting building constraints, and has done so really well - optimised builds now have much more variety.

On the whole Factorio has a well earned reputation for being one of the best maintained games out there, along with being perhaps one of the best made software products full stop. A decent proportion of the player-base (myself included) are software engineers, and I *wish* the code I wrote for a living was as well-maintained and performant as factorio. Maybe one day…

2. Unfortunately the game isn’t perfect about avoiding wiki usage and ‘not lying to the player’. These are minuscule nitpicks from a >1000hr player - factorio is still the best game I’ve ever played in this regard - but they are worth mentioning, in part to illustrate how rare these are and how finicky I’m being. Most of these nitpicks are also from the new expansion, so there’s a good chance they’ll change in the future (as described in point 1)

- the recycler says (something like) ‘organic materials recycle to spoilage’ in its description, which is flat out wrong and misled me for a long time. They usually recycle to themselves

- the equations for speed and thrust for space platforms are both unintuitive and not findable in the game itself. Either one of these would be fine - if you could use real-world physics to calculate acceleration from thrust and mass, that would be fine. If you could use their supplied equations that would be fine. But as it is you have to either discover your own rough heuristics (width matters massively due to the apparent ‘air resistance’ of rocky particulates in space, is what I’ve deduced) or go look up a massive table of values on (sigh) the wiki.

3. The quality system is one of the coolest game mechanics I think I’ve ever experienced. You can engage with it in a simple, grindy way where you dump resources in to get quality products out, a medium thought approach where you upcycle cleverly, or you can go the whole way and try to understand the underlying maths which can be really fun (eg here https://dfamonteiro.com/posts/factorio-pure-recycler-loop/ - not my blog but a very fun read)

On the whole, this game is super fun. Fun enough that if you think you might enjoy it, I strongly recommend waiting until you have a holiday or break to start, because otherwise it can really destroy your routine. There’s a reason the devs include this clause in the Factorio EULA:

Sam Reviews: Factorio

Factorio is a good game.

Factorio is well advertised. When I look at Factorio in the Steam Store with example screenshots, I think: Mm, yeah, it's pretty much like that. There's several screenshots of varying organization and complexity and scale.

Factorio is a logistics, automation and construction simulator game for people who like those things, it delivers what it promises. It's Factorio. If you are even vaguely in the Factorio demographic, you have probably heard about it already, it's hard for me to say anything new about its features.

So I'm going to talk about what I call "unfeatures" instead, the absence of specific failure modes that I've seen many times elsewhere.

1: Factorio does not routinely lie to the player.

There's a lot of video games where the game shows e.g. [80% chance to hit] but the actual chance is closer to 90%. Sometimes because it rolls twice and takes the better result, sometimes because it secretly adds a flat 10% player favoritism bonus against the AI. In the short run, I suppose this keeps players happy by feeling lucky and not frustrated by miss streaks. In the long run, I find it offensive because not only did the game lie to me, the game polluted a playerbase by spreading a false understanding of how much "80%" is, and this will make a lot of people unhappy later when they run into real 80% and it feels too low.

There's a few games which can pull off a clever Interface Screw, where the game temporarily lies a little or hides information for diegetic reasons (visor damage, invisibility spells) where someone is lying to the character, but games that lie to the player are almost always bad. This should be a very low bar to clear, and yet, game devs keep thinking they're clever and transgressive for deliberately crashing into it.

Moving from lying to merely non-informing:

2: Factorio does not expect me to keep my own database.

Again, this is not an absolute rule. There's a few games which can pull off out-of-game note-taking well, such as detective games where working out contradictions and inferences is part of the fun. But even those are usually friendly enough to keep an in-game list of clues found for the player to re-examine at leisure.

For most games, once you've discovered e.g. a potion recipe, then the potion recipe should stay discovered and be listed in-game, in a character knowledge section. Quest Logs should be a standard feature of RPGs, so the player can step away from a week and the character has the information freshly available, avoiding "WTF was I doing" problems.

Factorio is very forthcoming about providing information to the player, both general function and specific numbers. Some games might say Assembler 2 is "slightly faster" or "much faster" than Assembler 1, but Factorio tells me that the the Assembler 2 has a speed of 0.75 while Assembler 1 runs at speed 0.5 (the baseline of 1 is the player character's own production speed).

With quality of life improvements, Factorio will even auto-calculate and display how relative speed interacts with processes having different base times, so a smelting furnace might say something like [Takes input of 1.2 copper ore per second, outputs 1.2 copper plate per second] in the mouseover tooltip. Except with icons rather than text, so it's shorter.

Plus, there's good "Ctrl-F" functionality to help me find where something is.

Some enemies in Factorio are immune to fire. These enemies will immediately be listed as having 100% fire resistance when you mouse over them. You don't need to catalogue enemy resistances by exhaustively shooting each enemy with each weapon. You don't need to remember the resistances, the game will track and display those for you.

3: Factorio lets me play the game, not play the wiki.

When I say "play the wiki", I don't simply mean looking things up, I look things up in Factorio too. I am gesturing at a game design failure pattern where the game expects a player to know/learn something and is very bad at providing ways for the player to learn it.

e.g. if I loot [Silver Key] from some house, I can reasonably expect it'll be useful, and I'll discover it in the natural course of play when I find a door with a silver lock. Maybe I even found it earlier and can backtrack now that I've found the key.

but, if I loot [Silver Crystal] [Red Crystal] [Pale Crystal] [Purple Crystal] from some house, but only one of them opens a door, and the other three are worthless filler, this is the "playing the wiki" failure mode. There's no good way of learning that 3 of 4 crystals do nothing, so I end up going to the wiki if I don't want to be carrying around worthless trash in my inventory - especially if I have a limited inventory and/or there's more red herring objects elsewhere.

Many games are self-sabotaging this way! Players checking the wiki are players browsing the internet, not playing the game!

As mentioned above, Factorio provides a lot of information up front, in game, so I never need to look up on the wiki how fast the new assembler is, or what the plastic crafting recipe is, or how much health an enemy has.

"Where do I go to get more iron ore?" Wiki can't tell me that, Factorio has random map generation, I have to explore. Strong randomization is another method of avoiding the wiki problem.

"How do I fight this enemy?" Wiki can't tell me that either, Factorio gives me a toolbox of guns and grenades and mines and poison and tanks and artillery, but there's never any kind of necessary special secret that's troublesome to discover. Big enemies can be killed with tactical nuclear strikes, or with weight of fire from lots of small guns. Wiki might have advice, but not a walkthrough to the 'correct' way of doing it.

4: Factorio does not steal control with frequent, repeated, unskippable animations.

Some games insist on making you watch the Movement Animation every time you give a unit order, some games insist on making you watch the Transition Cinematic each time you move to a different area, some games have text that gradually loads into a dialog box and won't even present your dialog options until the Text Scroll has finished unrolling. Et cetera.

Factorio respects that I'm here for a game, not a movie, and definitely not a movie that I've seen a dozen times before. This is partly about respect for the player's time, and it's also about flow and interruption. Even a sub-second animation can be very jarring when it blocks interaction. A sub-second animation can be especially annoying if it's in a frequently-accessed part of the interface that could itself be sub-second to use, and the animation makes it take 2-3x longer to use every time.

By contrast, a dishonorable mention goes to Citizen Sleeper, which a friend recommended to me recently. You can watch a speedrun of the game here. It's ten minutes and a lot of that is spent on enforced waiting for animations to play: zoom into location, zoom out of location, fade to black, unfade from black, and even a loading bar animation for buying an item. Very artistic, I'm sure. Infuriating when I am accustomed to Factorio's responsiveness.