#no guys because who was i 3 years ago
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i'm quite literally MANIC reading my stuff. who cooked here . because it wasn't me
#no guys because who was i 3 years ago#how did i manage to write HELLA fics when i can barely manage my hw rn#nat's tangents
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if witcher 4 is set in the past, but in the recent past… in other words, the heyday of witchers… that would actually be way more interesting than setting it in the distant past, because we have so much more developed, canon context already for that period. there’s already a skeleton to hang a story on.
in addition to being able to bring back some already known characters. imagine meeting like, hen gedymdeith. what if we can know of tissaia training philippa as her pupil. meet eithné… uh… just the same as she ever was i guess, but with her daughter alive this time. encounter future scoia’tael agents as kids. i want to see falka on the stake
#that all is from various centuries and would have to span multiple centuries but im just saying examples#if that happens i will feel like marty mcfly#and… cdpr… 👉👈…#witcher contract quest where you meet regis but all you do is hold his hair while he vomits#and you know i��ve always wanted something like the oxenfurt drunk but set 200 years ago and with mah guy regis#and instead of killing him you sit down in the gutter with him and are like man you gotta change your life around#and he’s like i know 😭😭😭🩸🩸🩸#(the blood emojis are him covered in blood)#just consider: you could depict him with a younger hairline#the elbow-high diaries#omg i just cackled imagining regis doing the pose orianna did in the night to remember trailer#‘things like… me 😇?’#higher vampires in the witcher = good because when they commit crimes against humanity they tuck a hair behind their ear and giggle#[timed dialogue option UI] ‘and what do you think i am’ 1. a higher vampire… 2. to put it mildly a monster. a blood sucking fiend#3. a man who looks like he needs some help 😐#sorry. interesting thought about the witcher devolved into writing regis fanfiction in the tags. well many such cases on my blog
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in every fic about sokka jet shows up as competition trying to steal his man/woman and at the end of the day this all comes down to zukkas impact
#like yes sokka has always hated jet since day one but jet never even interacted with any of his canon love interests#you know who DID interact with jet tho#ZUKO#freaking zuko did#istg i’ve read at least four fics with this premise of jet swooping in and messing things up#in fact#make that five#because the fic i wrote back in the day#also had jet come in and fuck everything up for sokka#but that was years and years ago before i was a zukka stan#sokka just hates this guy so much#maybe they’re exes <3#atla#sokka#avatar#avatar the last airbender#zukka
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one daaay i will put my stb era toxic yaoi thoughts into a coherent form and by that i mean an incoherent mess of a comic but know i do genuinely think about them constantly . they were always worse .
#guy who keeps sneaking off in the middle of the night to hunt the 7'8 guy he can not fucking beat for sport#and ending up getting his ribs kicked in and his arms broken every single night .#and he keeps going back cus well sometimes the 7'8 guy is fun to talk to.#over all the rib breaking and femur shattering and broken noses and stabs.#and well i do sometimes think he sneaks away for things other than bone breakings. like sitting silently#in the same room with a strange sense of like tension and satisfaction and thrill. and i do think it drives him insane#to feel weirdly calm and safe around another human being#especially one that is constantly kicking his ribs in with his sabatons.#txt#the mutual fascination w the other in terms of “oh this guy Will Not Die" in their ways. cute. to me.#liek i feel like endwalker on is a sort of quiet acceptance of . yeah. i mean i guess you kind of are the only person who could#get it at this point . and i can not let you die. because if you die and can not prove yourself happy#it proves i can never be happy.#but stb? canis is barely a person in stb. thats just a sharp sword now bouncing dully off a sharper one.#ahh. equally made funny w the fact zenos giving canis his lip scar was always the plan.#even uh. 3 years ago when i didnt gaf about that guy and thought he was boring. LOL#anyways all this to say i think the mental image of any scion seeing canis like. calm. around anyone.#especailly zenos of all people.#is really fucking funny. like what do you mean you fell asleep in front of another human. and it was that guy.#he tried to kill you.#and canis is like yeah he still tries that.#tldr: yeah ican jack you off the blood on my hands cant stain you any further.
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I knew about the post concert depression but no one told me about the post concert constant feeling of AAAAAAAAAHHH that lasts days and makes everything much more bearable and beautiful and some sort of ethereal type of hope is restored into the world, or maybe it's just the "seeing your favourite band after first thinking that it would never happen and later spending many months waiting for it all the while fearing that it wouldn't happen after all because of circumstances outside my control or feeling like it was too beautiful and wonderful to be true so ofc it wouldn't come true" part of it all
#guys i love they might be giants. did you know about this#me days before the show: crying because i will see they might be giants#me days after the show: crying because i saw they might be giants#truth is that i didn't actually full on cry until yesterday evening though so once i was back home so it was all officially over#and it was time to just slow down and realize that oh well wow. so all that just happened. like for realsies#i also finally looked through my videos and my recording of the whole show (yes as an archivist freak who records audio from most concerts#i obviously had to record this one also. now i can listen to it again and again and be remided that i didn't dream it all up after all)#but yeah all this and now i'm supposed to move on and go back to my stupid daily life#like i didn't just have one of those real actual life experiences and moments of pure fun that other people generally get from time to time#and that i haven't had since idk even when a year and a half ago#thats the last time i consider truly amazing on a level somewhat comparable to this. but back to the show and the whole thing.#like this wouldn't have been quite as perfect if i didn't share that time with fellow fans / friends that i ended up attending the show wit#you don't realize how badly you've been wanting to be included in things and for people to be genuinely fond of you and like your company#until you get included and shown that fondness. like wow i'm allowed to have fun too after all. can it happen again someday please. anyway#i'm just glad that in midst of my big bad awful times i could have this truly amazing 10/10 time#and i guess it doesn't have to be the last such time right. even if it's easy to give into the feeling that it is#but ok anyway i'll get to that proper show recap later when i can think clearly again#and maybe more on that more personal side of it all too because well i have many more thoughts obviously#but whether i get to that in 3 days or 3 months is a mystery for now. just kind of a lot to think about once again#and my stupid baka life continues on also whether i like it or not so that has to be taken into consideration as well#time to think again about school that i'm so totally fully failing now with my two weeks long absence yayyy. its fine i'll figure it all out#goosepost
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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have requested the cruel prince audiobook at my library and its available tomorrow! i know basically nothing about the books but im optimistic about it
if nothing else i like listening to audiobooks while i play viddy games so at least ill have company
#bookblr#bookish#bookworm#the cruel prince#holly black#the folk of the air#ive never read a faerie based fantasy book before so i have nothing to base my expectations on#no spoliers please#but you can tell me vibes#i bought a paperback ages ago that i never read#so at some point previously i wanted to read it#ive never read or will ever read acotar or anything else by sjm so please dont talk to me about it#im an sjm hater okay#i dont hate people who read her#you guys are welcome#but she gives me the worst vibes#tried reading tog years ago but i gave up like 3 chapters in#because no#so yeah rant over anyway im cautiously optimistic
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I can't help but wonder if jüri vips is punching a wall right about now
#sometimes i have to think about the dominos that had to fall for liam to end up in this situation#id hope that this FAFO was effective enough at making an example of the guy to permanently discourage junior drivers from saying racist shit#and i don't want to paint liam as some angel#i just find it interesting how liam's career trajectory has benefited from people around him being racist#like red bull management dumps vips for saying the n-word (as they should) but that's obviously for PR because everyone knows#that horner and marko don't give a fuck. this focuses the attention in f2 on liam.#and now almost 3 years later horner is unable to see yuki as anything but a honda driver because of his nationality#and that more subtle racism again ends up benefitting liam because he is the guy who happens to be there at the right moment#about a year ago (after i read yellowface by rf kuang) i started brainstorming a satirical story loosely based on all this#about how in the end even the mainstream liberal side of '''cancel culture'''' can end up primarily helping white people#it wasn't f1 related just vaguely inspired but the stuff i was thinking about at the time keeps coming true in some way#in the end my feelings about liam are pretty neutral. i'm excited that a kiwi is at a top team#but i don't really care about his personality outside of his friendship with yuki. also i am NOT ruling out a mid season swap. mark my words#would like to see a win tho
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hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity
#I'm kind of struggling rn guys#being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time#is killing my nerves#because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism#I wanna put it to death SO badly#but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time????#or else be considered a 'bad example'????#there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still.#I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching#at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here.#sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point.#hhhhh.#gurt says stuff#delete later#I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!!#just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now.#and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills)#and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people
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God. I am about to plead the fucking 2nd. Bitches grab a rape victim at a bar for walking out with a cup 9f WATER. I yelled at him and he wouldn't letm3 go. You don't know who the fuck your messing with.
Imagine waiting your entire life for your Gerard Way I was Born for This Joan of Arc Twin Towers moment. You achieve it. Then a fucking rapist destroys your life and you'd rather kill yourself than degrad yourself by living on the same planet as a rapist. Not just a random rapist, but a very specific type of rapist that sits in a Hell more evil than fucking Hitler. Hitler is a safer space for me and there is no hope. Imagine dedicating your entire life to a Twin Towers moment. Then imagine fighting for your life just to get justice. Then, imagine climbing a battle against rape all the way to the top of the mountain, sacrificing your life, bloody and soul, just to loose 10 feet away from the top.
I swear and vow on my life. If I don't get justice, suicide is the only hope.
The horrific acts that have been given to me made sure that my life is worthless. I wouldn't be caught dead living on the same Earth as a rapist.
#ive lost 6+ jobs because im begging for help and no one will listen to me. i just want a fucking hug#you never know who cries themselves to sleep everynigjt and every morning#if i go to the hospital i loose my dream job and i will shoot up the fucking pentagon if i loose this job#yes i am physically safe happened a while ago#i have been running for 3+ years without rest healing or justice#i have a torn meniscus that healed improperly#i just want a hug. i just want someone to care about me and ask how im doing#i literally have an Honorary N Word Card and an Honorary Kill Card by Jesus Christ#nobody cares about me and im a fucking pity and evil for crying about rape#i cry 24/7 at work when i wake up and when i go to bed#im a grown ass adult and im acting like a “toddler” because i dont want to get raped#why is that so cruel of me to ask? how am i the bad evil guy?#im asking for it because im obsessed with horror movies and frerard#im asking for it by being naked in the streeta#im a VILLIFIED EVIL WICKED CRUEL INSANE AND WRONG BECAUSE I SAID NO TO RAPE AND EXCERCISED MY RIGHTS TO SAY NO#IM A HORRIBLE PERSON FOR HOPING THAT I COULD FIND A PERSON ROBIN WILLIAMS TO SAY ITS NOT YOUR FAULT#i just want to be alone. i want a hug. i want justice
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everytime i've fully considered the possibility that i might be a system and i just have some guys running around driving this thang i go "no i just have memory problems" and toss it away. well gentlemen. guess what possibility i'm considering again
#this possibility was presented to me.. what.. 2 or 3 years ago?? i was like 14 and posted on here ''haha yeah i imagine guys in my brain''#and someone sent an ask like ''you might be a system!!'' and thats haunted me ever since. so#i might genuinely have DID because last i checked i matched literally every single symptom on the google search. but i unno!!!#i consider the possibility of a lot of things!! secretly an alien in a human boy's body?? maybe!!!!! bunny rabbit in another life??#who knows man!!!!!! bpd ocd autism did lactose intolerance.#there's a ball ricocheting around my skull and it's certainly not the slimey wrinkly pink piece of shit called the brain#man. i just dont know.#i know i certainly act different at times with my personality but thats like. the relatable ''personality a and b with group a and b'' shit#and everytime i have a christine canigula pfp my whole personality changes. unrelated#anyways. lol. britney spears is so fucking good#if any systems following me have any like. advice for me or recognize this please let me know. please#actualyl im putting it in the tags help me please#system stuff#sysblr#?#system help#someone please. please.
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curled up by the fire, tail waggin
#long day puppies in my phone long day#so so tired i dont have class tmr cos lecture not there so i get to sleep in yay but i wake up early anyways woah just dont Have to be up#going to try meet a friend because i feel like i havent seen anyon outside of college in months even tho its been 2 weeks#this old friend if mine kinda lowkey ditched me when he got a bucnh of new friends like 2 yesrs ago and hes been reaching out a lot to try#hangout and like hm im hurt abiut how he dropped me and he like genrally wasnt a great friend anyways:/ but i feel bad being kike i cant#hang but i also amnt even lyin genuinely cant hang i havent seen my best friend in so long i only see college and my home and therapist once#but also like ugh i dont like this guy i need him to not be beggin me to hang he could be reslly mean like too often but he was nice ..ugh#i wish there was a chill bot harsh way to cut domeone out like i dont hate u i just dont love u soz#and i love my friends so so deeply like i only have time for my besties who i would est whole if i could pike the way people talk about#their blorbo from my shows is how i feel talking about my friends like i want to squish them and poke em n kiss em their my little loves#so if i dont even like someone idk like i dont have time for people j dont love or who dont give a shit about me#hashtag being autistic and my 3 close friends are all also auttistic genuinly the 3 of them got diagnosed in the past 4 yesrs..dominos#i miss my friends wailing college too busy i miss my babies#n i feel really bad for not wanting to hang with this guy who litersllybdidnt care if i lived or died like a year ago#but now is all about me strangely#anyways hm will possible rant more ive had such a long day and nowmim currles on pillows in a bjg hoodie and its so good
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igaryna is suchhhh a fascinating rivalry. here is this woman who is at the top of the world and she is the one person standing in your way from ultimate glory. you have been in her position but you will probably never be there again. you were only there for a total of eight weeks before she took it from you.
#with my apologies to coco and elena because i guess those two are also in arynas way but i would say much less so#like re stefaniil okay theyre insane but theyre much more run of the mill than igaryna#like. those guys fucking hate each other. but these women dont really? or like its in a much less obvious way#but its still there#aryna has one the ao twice! consecutively! she will continue to win so many masters and majors as well#*won not one lol#but somehow iga is always going to pull ahead. like what the fuck. she (iga) is insane !#tennis#also im really impressed that aryna beat iga in madrid23#like ooooh girl on clay 👀⁉️ good for youuuuuuu#have i mentioned recently that i love them. (yes i was praising aryna like a half hour ago)#i love aryna so much but iga is just a powerhouse. you just cant beat her#sometimes i think aryna deserves a gun. like oh my god i would be so pissed if i was her#all that separates them is two inches three years and a couple hundred kilometres. thats it. and yet#atp is more spread out because u know its carlos and jannik fighting for the top spot#and while novak is still around hes still always pushing for it#but wta. whew. what a league they have#i <3 the wta. iga voice who can say that womens tennis is boring
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years ago I wrote a buddie hockey au fic and I deleted it from ao3 yesterday (after saving it to my drive because I'm not a mad man) and anyway now I'm thinking of a bucktommy hockey au and I'm like... 👀🤔
#I'm honestly thinking I might use the basic premise of the old fic and rewrite it#I have a bunch of changes I want to make to it#and I think as a bucktommy fic it'd work especially with Eddie as the best friend wingman who has to like help his IDIOT#of a friend land the guy. and also I think I want Lucy to be on the team#noah.txt#lots of thoughts circling my head#also I have Zero intention to truly reread this hockey fic because my writing esp from 3 years ago... scary
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“Damian isn’t ooc what are you talking aboutttt he’s only 14 and wants to trust his dad so badlyyyy guyssss don’t get upsettt” have you never read a comic with Damian in it in your life
#I FUCKING HATE TJISHDJDHF#WHAT IS GOING ON AM I INSANE???? AM I LOSING IT???#Damian trusting his dad despite BRUCE acting so out of character EVEN IF ITS TO PRAISE DAMIAN AND MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL#HAS HAPPENED BEFORE#AND HE HAS SPOTTED THAT SHIT AS STRANGE A MILE AWAY#AND HE WAS LIKE. 12. AT FOURTEEN WE’VE ESTABLISHED DAMIAN AS MORE OBSERVANT AND PREPARED FOR THIS#it can either be taken as retrofitting him into ‘normal’ developmental periods which again. we’ve established Damian has as the antithesis#or as a way to put down his character in the robin mantle in order to make Tim’s run look smart and perfect in comparison. which is gross.#Tim has been Robin and even moved past it and became even better and now we’re what? missing the good ol days?#Tim became Robin in 1989. NINETEEN EIGHTY NINE GUYS#THATS 35 YEARS AGO#I KNOW ITS NOSTALGIC FOR YOU BUT YOU HAD A LOT OF STUFF WITH HIM IN IT AND HES JUST A SMART LITTLE WHITE BOY#Damian became Robin in 2009 and we’ve barely tapped into his psychology because comics is so hot buttoned right now#that they don’t know which aspect to deal with first and foremost and always choose Bruce’s relationship as an easy out#Damian was Robin for barely 15 years and yet the guy that got DOUBLE his time is back for round 3. ok.#and here we are again.#Damian has proven himself to be so capable and smart his only downfall is his own hubris and inexperience#he has been trained SINCE BIRTH to use his head guys. a few years in America didnt take that out of him.#anyway. plz pick up a comic. damian would know better cause he’s not an average 14 y/o and he’s not just a traumatized little boy.#‘ohhhh he craves his dads attention and praise so much he’d believe anything he saiiiddd’ WHO TOLD YOU THAT??? ZDARSKY??#WHAT WAS ALL OF HIS YEAR OF PENANCE ON THAT ISLAND FOR#WHAT WAS HIS ARC WITH DISTANCING HIMSELF FROM HIS FATHER A BIT IN THE WAKE OF NEEDING SOME TIME TO HIS OWN REVELATIONS#WHAT ABOUT IT. DID IT JUST NOT HAPPEN SUDDENLY#whatever.
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my favorite thing anybody’s ever said about me is still when i was involuntarily committed for a failed You Know What attempt early in the pandemic and there was group therapy like 3 times a day that “wasn’t mandatory” but if you didn’t go they’d put it on your record that you “didn’t seem motivated” and you’d have to stay there longer and anyway each time they did it they’d go around the room and have you say a goal and mine was always some variation of “to get out of this place and go home” and one time when i said it some guy was like, “wow, she REALLY doesn’t want to be here!” like real as hell king i really don’t
#realistically i know this happened in august 2020 and thus was not even 3 years ago. but it feels like at least 6 lifetimes have gone by#my other distinct memory from that group therapy is this sheet they made us fill out#that was like each letter of the alphabet and we had to come up with something we liked about ourselves for it. so 26 things#like fucking. idk. P for ‘pretty.’ S for ‘smart.’ shit like that#and i only came up with 5 for mine and i spent most of the time looking at the guy who was sitting next to me#(who i fucking hated because he was white and kept using the n-word repeatedly)#and he was just writing down random words for each letter. like for T he wrote ‘truck’#and i remember sitting there and thinking that if i was a character on a tv show#that would be one of those moments that the viewers love to analyze the shit out of#like i was literally sitting there in the mental hospital thinking that.#which i think is honestly a better reason to be in the mental hospital than the fact that i had just tried to kill myself
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