#no but like I’m nearly 20
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God hates me so I love to write and I can’t fucking do math thank you for making me completely unemployable I hate school so fucking much but imagine if I could just be a data analyst and make like 80k after a 4 year degree! Unfortunately that’s IMPOSSIBLE
#ramblings#according to astrocartography I should move to Chicago#I fear I’ll never be able to afford a nice apartment in a city#ill probably live with my parents forever#and maybe one day afford a shitty basement apartment in my hometown with gross carpeting and stupid linoleum in the kitchen#I am so scared of my own life!#hahahahaha#I’m so bad at everything meaningful#guys what if I never fall in love#hahahaha#wouldn’t that be crazy#no but like I’m nearly 20#i know that’s young but the walls are closing in#ahahahahahaha#no big d#no biggie#I’m chilling
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if we only get like one episode of ayda being back i’ll actually be so upset u don’t understand
#i know it will probably be a while before we see ayda in any way but i just wanted to say that ahead of time#how can u make a autistic lesbian phoenix librarian and then put her in plot jail nearly the entire season?#it’s not fair to me specifically#also like i know they’re busy but c’mon fig where’s the //yearning// where’s the SPICE#(and i do not mean spice in the booktok way i mean spice as in fig missing ayda)#and i’m not saying she doesn’t miss ayda i just want them to talk about her i miss her#ayda aguefort#fig faeth#figayda#fhjy#fantasy high junior year#dimension 20#d20 fhjy#original overanalyzing
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It’s hot how effortlessly I gain now. Years of slowing my metabolism and conditioning myself with the right habits has paid off.
I couldn’t stop getting fatter if I tried…
#and this has been through my 20’s#I’m nearly 30 now and the weight’s just going to pile on easier as I age#and I started at 135lbs that feels like a lifetime ago#chubote yaps
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Now whose going to tell 11 year old me who was a massive Narnia fanatic that I’d eventually end up years later spending like half an hour just now watching edits of the guy who once played Mr. Tumnus and who knows how many hours in total I have in the last week
#raineyrambles#times when I wish time travel was possible#to be fair tho I’ve only seen the first movie like 3 or 4 times in nearly 20 years#I was more of a prince Caspian movie Stan#also I’m talking about Charles Xavier here for context lol#narnia#charles xavier#james mcavoy
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Thinking back to when I was first diagnosed with scoliosis and how the pediatric orthopedist, when I mentioned that I was having near-constant back pain, looked at me and said something about how according to the textbooks the condition isn’t painful
#fuck that guy#in my lived experience it IS painful#my muscles are fighting a losing battle against my skeletal system#also like how fucked up is it for a grown man to tell a 14 year old girl what she is and isn’t feeling in her own body#nearly 20 years later and I’m still angry about that#scoliosis#chronic pain
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misc thoughts on the retcons
I can’t tell if the pacing is bad or if that’s just me getting disoriented by the past several months telling and retelling the same story.
While the fight between Flash and Sonic ended up more like the webcomic story wise, I didn’t enjoy it the same. The webcomic had a tension to it. It felt distinctly lonely and melancholy. But reading the manga redraws now, I feel kind of similar to how I did with the psychic sisters arc where it seemed like a “fixed” version of the webcomic?
Like, the story is still the same but the character dynamics are altered in a way that doesn’t make sense. They all get along a bit too well. Which would be fine if the story or enough dialogue was adjusted that it made sense, but that’s a step they skipped over.
For the retconned chapters, the emotion ONE and Murata were trying to communicate was different from the webcomic, but ultimately more successful for its place in the context of the manga. Between Flash and Sonic there was still pain and words left unspoken, just in a way that felt fitting. VS now it’s like they’re trying to communicate the webcomic tension but without any of the hard hitting moments where it felt like time slowed down that made the webcomic successful.
Anyways i know the arc isn’t done yet. There’s still time for it to pick up. I’m just feeing irritated and really don’t want to end up feeling more disappointed than I would otherwise because I have to compare whats now canon now vs what was retconned. (considering I liked the retconned version and felt it was successful to begin with 😭)
#opm#rambles#does this count as meta#fuck it we ball#opm meta#sorry for disgracing the meta tag with my poorly proofridden rambles as per usual but here r my thoughts#i’m not gonna complain about the art style i know muratas working on like 20 morbillion projects rn#but damn sonic is getting the tatsu treatment (though not nearly as bad)#*shudders*#kind of random but i kind of wonder if murata used to have more assistants for backgrounds before. it’s been feeling vacant lately.#reading my printed books and starting at the beginning hurts because i have to tell myself#don’t be spoiled don’t be spoiled don’t be spoiled don’t be spoiled don’t be#even more random but i like joking that murata needs to start reading yaoi again. you can tell when he does based on his art it’s funny
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will say the abbott sunny crossover has made me angrier at the us custom of 20 min tv episodes than ever
#i’m british i’m used to 3 guys doing 1 thing for 30 minutes#12 guys doing 4 things in 20??? what are you gonna achieve#i needed 10 minutes alone of mac and ava queening out <////3#but alas#still enjoyed#highlight of the episode mac’s lollipop or mac’s camera smile at the end or actually most important gay melissa moment#i nearly turned the episode off like fuck those criminals This is important#very Very excited for sunny side#iasip#abbott#+
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do you guys ever have days where you’re just absolutely losing
#cause me today#tmi below if you’re a pussy#but here’s my day so far#woke up with a uti#AWWWW 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 killing myself#went to urgent care to get antibiotics#97 minute wait and my only airpod that i brought dies abt 20 minutes in#the book i kept in the car for exact situations like this wasn’t there so i had to read my second backup#bc my phone was dying obviously why wouldn’t it#went back peed in the cup got my rx#got to the pharmacy the minute after they close for lunch#so i said fuck it im getting comfort food#as im driving to this local chain that has my comfort food jm waiting at a light#at this light there’s a turn lane that’s a little cramped and i’m in an suv right now#this elderly man nearly hits my car and then WAGS HIS FUCJING FINGER AT ME#LIKE IM THE ONE DOING SOMETHING WRONG#WHAT ARE YOU LATE FOR YOUR DYING APPOINTMENT???#then the restaurant has a line out the door so i say fuck that not getting food i guess#as i’m driving back to the pharmacy my low tire pressure light turns on#i inflate my tires (the last one i checked was the one with low pressure btw i know you were curious)#pick up my prescription#and then almost hit a squirrel as i pull out#HOW#HOW DOES THIS HAPPEB#i’m going to lie down in the dark and just try again tmrw#off my rocker
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If you're too young to pay for a dropout subscription yourself you probably shouldn't get one. It's a more adult centered platform.
i’m a grown man with a bank account
#ask#anon#come on folks. i’m nearly 20. i just don’t want to purchase a subscription bc i don’t like subscriptions#this isn’t about my age this is about penny pinching#also like . i don’t think a teenager will die if they watch dropout#i think they can handle it#i’ve always disliked the thought that kids can’t handle certain themes in media#kids can handle a fair bit. teens even more#my parents never gave a fuck what i watched. if i wanted to watch it i could try it#and guess what! i was fine. never traumatized myself beyond the normal kid amount#but overall. i am and have been an adult. this is not information i keep hidden????
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I’ve been going through and reading sermons from Spurgeon. I found a website that has hundreds of them and I just stuck them all in a Google doc and highlighted the titles I felt interested me.
But I finally read his wiki biography tonight.
Was anyone going to tell me that I was reading the sermons of a 20-21 year old or was I supposed to figure that out myself 😂
#Y’all he started preaching at like age 16#I love this man#he frequently says stuff in his writings that I imagine God had him say just so I’d read them 150+ years later#(I know that’s probably not true but the dude speaks to my soul and I’ll often be reading a sermon and it takes a turn and starts#Addressing EXACTLY what I’m going through that week)#And like#his devotionals#God has spoken to me so many times through those down to nearly exact wording of questions and anxieties I have#Like?????#I wish he could have known that in 1856 he wasn’t just preaching to his church#He was preaching to a scared and anxious girl in her 20s 168 years later#If I got a time machine my first trip would be to see Jesus but the second? Spurgeon. Easy.#I need him to actually privately mentor me#Anyways#read Spurgeon y’all#Charles Spurgeon
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Your “my god how out of touch am I” moment of the day is: I keep getting comments on this fic I’m writing that are like “worth waiting for the update”, “this was worth the wait” and I’m so confused because I have been posting chapters… every ten days at most? what wait, that’s a fast schedule, I thought! And the chapters are between 5k and 7k words each! Each! The fifth chapter is currently sitting pretty at 10 fucking k so I’ll probably have to split it in half…
But I’m dying over this I think it is wild lol. Do people not remember what it was like to have fics that updated every six months, if that, for nearly a decade? Is this something no one else remembers? Have we gotten so into instant gratification culture that waiting a week for 5 thousand words of fanfic is a long time?
This is all so wild to me so I guess I’ll go write another 5k about it lmfao
#am I that old like?? goddamn lmfao#meanwhile Ellis#I did this to myself obv the first chapter is 7k. I should have split it up because now I have locked myself into longer formats for each#chalter which means I am busting my balls writing everyday which is w I l d this was NOT on my 2024 bingo card at all#oh well I’m just along for the ride at this point and I refuse to slow my roll#this fic will top 35k by chapter 6 and it looks like my estimated 14 chapters is gonna end up being closer#to 17 - 20 if I’m gauging my outline correctly#who am I you guys what is happening this fucking cartoon has straight up bodied me#me: I never complete nanowrimo writing 30k in a month is hard#also me: I will write nearly 40k in fanfic in a month though out of nowhere for no reason
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I would bet actual money that not a single teacher at Aguefort has an education degree. Hopclap probably has a psychology degree and that’s as close as he’s gotten
#like they have good traits but they’re all just such shit educators#I am literally getting a bachelors in education right now!#in fact I’m nearly done with it!#I’ve been teaching and interacting with children since I was one!#they’re all so bad at this!#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year
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they look half dead ☹️
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#matt sharp#i rlly like rivers’ hair in this one! it’s epicness#i liked his hair in the 90s with his bowl cut.#bowl cuts are cool#and he looked great w it !#anyways yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday party; and i got him some chaos emeralds from sonic that he’s been wanting like ; forever!#it was fun for the most part; but nobody told me we would be swimming plus i was the only girl there sooo i was just sitting around while#everybody swam and stuff. and my friend hayden i guess felt bad so he stayed out of the pool despite having swimwear and just played mobile#games with me; which was fun and i really appreciated but this guy ; who will remain nameless was being rlly mean to me at the party#like he was saying stuff abt how my boyfriend didn’t really like me THAT much (we have been together for nearly a year…)#and other things like that; which made me rlly sad and i kept asking my mom to pick me up but she wasn’t answering so i couldn’t do anything#besides trying not to cry and stuff. but it’s okay#and after everybody went inside besides me and my boyfriend ; we were cleaning up the table since the guys left all their trash and i had#like a whole pile of trash; like tons of plates and a whole stack of trash still; the guy from earlier who was mean just like#put his trash on top of the trash i was already carrying inside#since the guys were all crowded around the trash cans (he was closest; but he couldn’t throw it away; rather he wanted to deliberately just#put it on the pile i was carrying ) and it wouldn’t be a big deal if he wasn’t mean earlier; i wouldn’t have cared so much#but he was being real mean and just did that. and i’m a passive person ; but i rolled my eyes a ton at it and idk it felt like the#other guys were laughing; which made me feel even more awful about the fact but yeah so i rolled my eyes tons and he told my bf that he was#sorry about it; but didn’t say it to me and stuff and idk it just made me feel bad#when i was younger i got bullied a lot and people would throw their trash on my lunch tray n it just reminded me of that and made me sad;#but it’s okay now! other than that i had a good time and it was fun! my boyfriend said he loved my gift to him so ya! :D it was fun other#than the stuff with the guy! but yeah. not rlly weezer related tags today; just really wanted to get that off my chest#my boyfriends mom asked if i felt left out; which i definetly did and really wanted to go home but ik i couldn’t so i was just sitting at a#table alone for abt 20 mins while everybody was changingninitially#but it’s okay! ty for listening to my rant i love u all
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#alia talks#turning 25 this month and I was having some semi existential crises this month#but I was thinking#when I was 18 I dropped out of [prestigious uni] half way thru first sem bc I couldn’t hack it#stayed T home and did community college for 3 years before transferring to [comparatively mid tier ranked] uni#I used to feel so much shame over it#And fear over whether or not I’d get a job move out etc#But now that I’m halfway thru my 20s I’ve been looking back#and as of right now I’m the only person in my family with health insurance#One of the things my parents used to warn me about was that by age 26 you cannot be in your parents insurance in the USA#So by that point I needed to have a full time job#And I used to be scared ghat I’d never make it#And now I’m a year away from 26#And I’m employed full time w health insurance coverage#Meanwhile both my parents are currently unemployed/self-employed#And most likely cannot ever get a full time job for [reasons]#And my younger sibs don’t have health insurance due to being uni students#(I mean they do through their college maybe)#Just that currently in my family I’m the only one with health insurance through my job#Something I was afraid I wouldn’t have at this age or something that I’d lose#And after nearly 7 years of having ShameTM over it
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My ADHD riddled ass who hasn’t finished a real book since 5th grade somehow managed to sit down and read The Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life In Tapes in its entirety yesterday and in my completion of it I’d like to share excerpts of the Sleep Experiment Cooper did on himself in College:
#twin peaks#Dale Cooper#The Autobiography of Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life In Tapes#I somehow read an ENTIRE book yesterday#I spent the whole day sat down just READING#it was fucking insane#I read from ~2:20 to 10:14#I paused twice for short food breaks#but for the majority of that nearly 8 hour period I was READING A BOOK#y’all don’t realize how little I’ve actually read full books#I figured out I can finish a book if I just listen to it but even that doesn’t always work#actually the last time I finished a book was when I read upside down magic in 4th grade#this was like a 195 page book and I FINISHED IT#I’m so bad at finishing things I’m proud of myself
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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