#no amount of personal responsibility or whatever is realistic
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i think blaming one person who was reckless but probably the median in terms of current day cautiousness for the spread of covid at a convention is a bit odd, but I kinda am in the huge gatherings like that are still massively risky in the first place camp. like there was no way that there wouldn’t be covid transmission at any convention and yet they’re still being held because the revenue line needs to march on. i dont fault people for wanting to go and going especially considering I wanted to myself but directing none of the aggression to how hostile these events and city resources are nowadays to covid patients, and instead blaming one kinda careless guy who made a tonedeaf comic about it feels fucking odd dude. most of us are not so saintly as to be out of thousands of dollars (nor can many even financially afford to) on a short notice impromptu quarantining away from home and it’s odd that the community is acting like they would be
#like what i mean is that by holding this event the venue and SE were fully aware they’d spread covid.#no amount of personal responsibility or whatever is realistic#and yet one guy is getting ‘i hope he dies’ while none of that is directed at the companies. ?
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What if breeding and overstimulating Ei? Fucking her through her orgasm and continuing to fuck your dick into her abused hole, fucking your cum deeper into her pussy to make sure she takes all of it....
☆ — DEMO TRACK: sub!Ei x dom!amab!Reader
☆ — TYPE: NSFW
☆ — CONTENT WARNINGS: Reader with a dick, dumbification
☆ — NOTES: Blame Miko 🤷♀️ but also I've been wanting to write Ei and/or Miko for so long THANK YOU ANON
Put me and her in a room and I'm not gonna be the one coming out pregnant just saying 🫶
Realistically this is probably (definitely) Miko's fault for getting into her head, but she had lent her a book that she didn't realise was.....less than innocent
It was a novel that described some rather salacious scenes that had Ei go from confused to surprised to flustered.. and then to that feeling of neediness welling inside her. It's got her thinking of you and what you can do to her, which then eventually led to her personally seeking you out for a bit of a 'reading session' 🥰
Mini thought dump so if you don't wanna read then skip this point. Ok as someone who loves getting into logistics and how things would work hypothetically, I find this situation funny bc like. If Ei can model her body to whatever she wants it to be bc it's synthetic, which means taking out whatever she deems unnecessary, then would she have a reproductive system? Would she deem it important?? Would you even have anything to insert yourself into or is she just. Cursedly smooth
Anyway thought dump over, sorry for the crisis even though you were expecting 🌽. MOVING ON
It's hard to believe that the woman you're dicking down is Inazuma's very own revered Archon when the one you've got underneath you at this moment looks so unbelievably fucked out and far off: eyes clouded and rolling to the back of her head, fingers digging into the sheets, mouth glistening with a mix of your saliva and the drool on the corner of her mouth, hair out of its normal braid and surrounding her like some kind of purple aura
And that's not even accounting the occasional spark of electro here and there to which she had initially apologised for. Though that was before she became all dumb and lost all sense of thought and responsibility, her mind practically turned to mush as you keep on pistoning her relentlessly. Now she's just REALLY unaware of anything and everything else but you and how good you make her feel. Everything else is just SO overwhelming for her little brain 😞😞😞😞
"I-- I'm c-cumming again, I-- feel the--"
"'s okay, baby," you groaned out, putting her legs above your shoulders as you moved within her, "you can cum."
It will never cease to amaze you, how your words had such an effect on the strongest figure in all of Inazuma, especially when your words get her to react so very intensely—her insides squeeze you like a vice as her hips lift off the bed in an attempt to get you as close to the base as possible.. or at least, she tries to.
Despite all that strength she has, all it takes you is a press down onto her abdomen as a way to both keep her hips down and to add more pressure on her and suddenly she's all pliant. The poor girl can't even scream—she was never really the type to—so when she opens her mouth, she doesn't make a sound as you push your hips into her in a particular way before stilling your movements as you came inside for.. who knows how many times it's been?
The amount of cum that spills out from her pussy despite your cock practically plugging it shut is enough of a giveaway that you've been at it for a while though.
..But you find that you don't really care when you start up all over again, not giving her enough time to come down from her high and overwhelming her completely.
You act out whatever she saw on that book of hers: the poses, the positions, the angles, whatever she thought was interesting to her. She used her lack of present knowledge to her advantage too—she had asked you for a proper demonstration, seeing as how she had been trapped in the PoE for the longest time so she fears she's not all that familiar with these.. new words or phrases!!
Half of it was true but other half of it was her just trying to lure you. And it worked so 🤷♀️ fair game
You make sure to stuff her silly with all of you, scooping up what drips out and stuffing it back in to make sure that nothing goes wasted. That proves to be a hard task as you proceed though because throughout your many rounds and the actual breaks in between, there IS a limit to how much she can have inside her so it's inevitable that it'd spill
Not like the sight isn't great, it's actually the opposite—just seeing YOUR own cum practically overflow in her pussy like that? FUCK just the thought of her insides being painted white because of you??? It's the way that if you pressed down on her abdomen without your cock clogging her entrance, it'd gush out in streams.......ohhhhgoodness
Your lover stares down absentmindedly at her pussy, hole agape and very much abused and so so so filled up and stained and whatever it is she could think of to describe it. Such warmth was inside her, the feeling of being full never quite leaving her—not as if it ever could for a good while, when you've filled her with so much cum that it's spilling without anything to prevent its escape from within her.
She had designed this body with the thought of only keeping necessary systems on the design for optimal use in upkeeping eternity and avoiding erosion. Why she had designed it with erogenous areas in mind? The reason eludes her, but now not only does Ei thank herself from going through with it, she is lamenting the lack of a complete reproductive system.
While becoming pregnant would.. pose for mixed results during her planned time to make amends to the nation for running away and keeping a narrow mind on what eternity could mean, she had wondered how the session would have felt with such capabilities. Would it have felt better? The same? Worse?
..Perhaps she will take a note to reassess the Shogun's model later.
Zooweemama by GOD I need her, end of story good night all
#hazy demos!#hazy explicits!#i love the word “salacious” it's so funny#raiden ei#genshin raiden ei#raiden ei x reader#ei x reader#raiden ei smut#ei smut#sub raiden ei#sub ei#genshin impact#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact imagines#sub genshin impact#genshin impact smut#genshin#genshin x reader#genshin imagines#genshin smut#sub genshin#genshin women#genshin impact women x reader#genshin impact women#genshin women x reader#amab reader#dom reader#sub genshin women#genshin women smut
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Hi! I was wondering if you’d be open to writing a Ghost x Reader fic where the reader is relatively new to the 141. The team has seen her work but still doesn’t trust her fully. Ghost and her seem to have a magnetic pull to one another with both trying to avoid their attraction. One day while sparring the reader ends up straddling him with a training knife pressed to his throat. Both stare at one another, realizing. (NSFW or SFW whichever!) Feel free to change whatever or not write it if it’s not your vibe!
A/N: Ghost has a knife kink, confirmed ;) Not explicitly NSFW, but it's hinted. Part two w smut??
Summary: During a sparring session with Ghost, you end up on top of him, and he struggles to hide his amusement.
Warning(s): knives, canon-typical violence, suggestive content, sexual tension | Word Count: 1k
꒦꒷ MAIN MASTERLIST ꒷꒦ GHOST MASTERLIST ⋆ ⚘ 🕊 ˚✧ ₊˚ʚ PART TWO | ao3 ver. // have a request?
Sparring
From the minute you set foot on the base, you felt like you didn’t belong there. Based on your records, training, and skills? You were a perfect fit. Personally? Not so much.
Of course, some welcomed you, putting on their fake smiles and at least attempting to include you in things.
Captain Price, who was under obligation to be civil because he was your boss. Gaz, who was closer in age, usually followed behind the Captain’s decisions. The Scot or “Soap”, as they called him? Indifferent to you. His usual humorous demeanor would diminish the second you entered a space.
Then, there was Ghost, who perhaps had the most intimidation about him. Though he didn’t trust you, or anyone either, his distaste wasn’t as potent as the other soldiers. Sure, he could be harsh and cold when he wanted to be, but that was the way he approached conflicts.
You learned to expect it, to work around it. You didn’t have a choice. Go AWOL over some social rejection? Not in the cards for you.
—
You’re set to deploy with them, take down some figure named “Hassan”, or so the folder you read stated. To prepare, you need to get yourself physically prepared. These new operations were no joke, undoubtedly worse than months of boot camp.
You’re panting, and feel like your legs are going to crumble from their overuse. He won’t let up on you, not that quickly.
“Are you even trying, Sergeant?” Ghost heckles you, dripping in self-confidence, as he dodges your slices with ease. He always seems double the speed you are, even before you were winded and dissatisfied with your performance.
You grit your teeth in response, remaining determined that you’ll get one good jab at him. In your wild imagination, the foam knife you’re holding would somehow turn real when it slices him — cut the arrogance right out of him.
Realistically, however? Not a chance, unless you can find a way to slow him down.
“You’d be dead ten times, ‘you keep stabbing like that.” He puts his defensive arms down, allowing you to rest for a few seconds.
Or so you thought.
Suddenly, he grappled you to the foam mat beneath you, knocking the small amount of air you had left straight out. You struggled against his pin, but he was much too strong.
He squints down at you, as he maintains his solid grip. “You only have about ten seconds to win a knife fight, before you’re dead, or pinned just like this, with nowhere to go.” He motions to the predicament you’re in currently.
Your thighs were pinned against the floor with his knee, and wrists contained on each side of your head. You’re tempted to give him his victory, so he’ll leave it at your metaphorical death.
“Maybe what you need,” his eyes drill into you, as he begins his theory, “is a raise of the stakes.” He reaches into his holster and pulls out his very real knife. He holds it up, examining the way it glimmers against the fluorescents.
If he was anyone else, you probably would’ve tapped out or insisted on using the fake one. But based on the way he was caging you, he wasn’t asking. It was an order.
As if to prove the danger, he holds the blade to your cheek—not letting it cut you, but applying just enough pressure for you to understand the lesson of it.
Never let the enemy pin you, chances are you’re dead in seconds. He’d lectured you with that statement before when you sparred with him.
With his right arm occupied, there was a rapidly closing window for you to find a way out of this. You swung your arm, smacking the blade out of his fist.
You ended up straddling him and clambered for the knife. If this were his full potential, he would’ve already retrieved his knife and cut your throat. But he was allowing you to overtake him this time as if he was amused by it.
You pressed the blade to his throat, which was protected by the fabric of his balaclava. Thighs to thighs, stomach to stomach. His stare didn’t change once, remaining stoic even when held at knifepoint, with his own weapon nonetheless.
“That’ll suffice.” His voice weathered a bit, like it was hard for him to choke out something professional, given the fact that you could feel every bit of him at the moment.
You couldn’t lie, the position was questionable. But you’d proved your point.
Even though he knew there were dozens of countermoves he could use, and basically decimate you in the process, he doesn’t. He’d never admit how much he liked being under you, letting you threaten him with his own Army knife.
You felt a heat rise to your cheeks as you loosened up a bit, flipping the knife around so you could pass it back to him, handle first.
No matter how hard he tried to hide it, you had noticed the way his eyes softened when you flipped the power.
Though your maneuvers needed work, he hadn’t expected the sudden burst of aggression—something you definitely needed when in the thick of battle. At least that’s what he’d tell himself to rationalize the feelings he was experiencing.
He returns his knife to the holster but doesn’t shove you off him like he thought he would. He instead places his hands on each hip, moving you to the side like your weight was nothing.
He moves to kneel beside you, meeting your eye level again. “Tomorrow, after hours. We’ll work at that aggression, yeah?”
You could hear the smirk on his face as he spoke, returning to his feet. He’s now standing above you briefly, looking down at you.
He straightens his balaclava, admiring the powerful stance he had over you as you knelt below him.
“Don’t be late.” He spits it out, then leaves the training room without another word. He smirks to himself as he strolls down the halls, thinking about the picture of you on your knees for the rest of his night.
Inside his head, he knew another sparring session was guaranteed to end up with you on top of him again. He was looking forward to it, no doubt.
#simon riley x reader#mw2 fanfic#mw2#task force 141#simon riley#ghost mw2#call of duty#task force 141 x reader
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Hello! May I please have a Ruby for Commander Blackout or Neyo (whomever's the grumpiest lol) x female reader scenario set in Winter where he keeps hearing about her from a lot of the the shinnies and his vod gushing about how lovely and wonderful she is and it pisses him off for some reason/or he just gets sick of hearing it; until he meets her himself and then he realizes immediately what they mean and finds himself swiftly falling deeply and passionately in love with her because there's just something so bright, warm and alluring about her and he just wants her for himself. Feel free to either make it steamy/smutty or not. I'm just happy with him being super passionate with his attraction and pursuit of her and she reciprocates? And maybe they kiss? But just go with whatever inspires you the most; I know it's gonna be great whatever it is! Please and thank either way! \>v</
Brighter Than The Sun
Summary: The new IT girl at the base Neyo is Marshal Commander of is a thorn in his side, and he hasn’t met her yet. If he has to listen to one more person sing her praises, he’s not going to be responsible for what happens.
Pairing: Commander Neyo x F!Reader
Word Count: 1200
Warnings: None
Tagging: @trixie2023 @n0vqni @imabeautifulbutterfly
A/N: Hihi! I decided to go with Neyo because I love him! I also, for the first time, went over my word limit. Only by 200 words, but still. Anyway! I hope you like it!
Neyo is not in a spectacular mood.
He woke up in a foul mood, largely due to the sheer amount of snow falling from the sky. And it only became worse when he went to check what was on the schedule for the day only to see that his datapad wasn’t working.
And then he went to the mess hall for some caf, and had to listen to a group of shinies sing the praises of the newest civvie who came to the base. They weren’t saying anything he hasn’t heard before: she’s stunning, with a body to die for, and a smile that feels like the summer sun-
Honestly, if it wasn’t for the sheer amount of paperwork it would take, he’d seriously consider stunning them and throwing them in the brig for being sheer annoyances.
Needless to say, Neyo was not in the finest of moods when his General came over to find out why he was glaring at his datapad.
And her suggestion of taking it to IT to have them take a look at it was not appreciated.
Still, Neyo is realistic. He can’t fix it, and none of his vod can fix it, which is why the base has an IT department in the first place. So he finishes his caf, and the breakfast that he’s forcing himself to eat, and he makes the long walk through the base to the IT department.
There’s only one person in the room when he arrives.
The new girl.
She’s clad in long pants and a vibrant yellow shirt that reminds him of Bly’s tattoos, and she’s standing on a desk while her arm is buried in the room’s heater.
Now that he’s paying attention to it, it is freezing in here.
He clears his throat, and the woman pauses, before she twists slightly on the table to see who’s there. She blinks at him, and then flashes a bright smile, “Marshal Commander Neyo, yes?”
He arches a single brow, “In the flesh.”
“Oh, wonderful! I’ve been hoping to-oh, hold on-” There’s the sound of something hitting something and then she rips her arm out of the heater and shakes her hand out, “Ah, well. I’ll have to try and fix it later.” She mumbles, and then she hops down from the table, and hurries over to him, a blinding smile on her face, “I’ve been hoping to meet you, but you’re a hard man to catch!”
Neyo blinks at her, stunned.
Now that he’s met her, he can understand what his brothers meant. She is stunning. And now he can’t help but think that the way his brothers talk about her is grossly inappropriate.
“Well, I’m here now.” Neyo finally says, “My datapad isn’t working.”
She holds her hand out, even her nails are painted yellow with little white flowers on them. She’s karking adorable. “May I?”
“That's why I’m here.” He presses the datapad into her hand and he watches as she moves to sit at a table overflowing with flimsy. “Are you working alone today?”
“Oh. I’m the only one who works in IT.” She replies, “The previous guy who had my position quit.”
“I…see.” Neyo pokes around the room, there are parts of the room that are very neat, but the majority of the room looks like there was an explosion. “And the heater?”
“Broken.”
“...it’s freezing outside.”
“Well. Yes.” She admits, “But I have a jacket,” She gestures to a winter jacket lying on a table nearby, “I took it off to work on the heater.”
“That’s not your job-?”
She looks up, “Um…well, apparently this base has a manning issue? Maintenance quit too.” She tilts her head, and her hair shifts enough to see that her earrings are little white flowers too. “Did you not know?”
“I don’t generally handle civilian employees.” Neyo replies.
“Oh, that makes sense.” She messes with his datapad for a moment, “Um…you need a new datapad.” She smiles at him, “If you give me a couple of hours, I’ll get the new one for you by the end of the day.”
“Thanks.” Neyo pauses, “I’ll get one of my brothers to come and fix your heater. Can’t have our IT girl turning into an icicle.”
She flashes a blinding smile in his direction, and Neyo averts his gaze. She has no business being so pretty.
It’s the beginning of a slightly odd friendship.
Neyo finds himself in her office more and more often, it’s quiet, and his presence keeps even the most pushy of his brothers from trying to pressure her into a date. And she is good company, warm and welcoming.
It doesn’t take long before Neyo finds himself yearning for her.
It’s almost two months later, in the middle of the worst snowstorm that he’s ever seen, when Neyo gets the chance to make a change to their relationship. He’s sitting at a free desk in her office, his feet kicked up on “his” desk, while she’s working on formatting a datapad at her desk when the lights flicker, and then cut out.
Neyo pauses and glances at the lights, and then sighs when he hears the generator kick on. The heat comes back, but the only lights that come on are the emergency lights.
“I guess the storm won,” She jokes with a quiet laugh as she sets the datapad down.
“Guess so.” Neyo tosses his datapad on the desk and leans back to look at her, “No point in even bothering to work now-” He grumbles.
“Well, you deserve a break.” She replies, and Neyo glances at her.
“You work just as hard as I do.” He drops his feet to the ground and pushes to his feet.
“Well…yes. That’s true.” She brushes some of her hair out of her face, “But, well, let’s be honest. It’s not like I can hang out with anyone other than you. Your brothers tend to be kind of…weird, when I’m around.”
“And I’m not?”
“You’ve never made me feel like a walking steak next to a starving man-” She replies, “Not that they’ve ever done anything inappropriate, before you fly off the handle. I can manage a few uncomfortable looks.”
Neyo sighs, “I hoped that they would stop.”
“It’s fine, really. I’ve been dealing with looks like that since I was nine.”
“...that’s sickening.”
“That’s being a woman.” She smiles at him, “Anyway, I guess I’ll just return to my quarters until the power comes back.” She pauses when Neyo’s hand comes out to cup her cheek, “...Commander?”
“Can I kiss you?”
He can feel her cheek heat under his hand, and he can’t stop himself from lightly stroking her cheek.
“You…want to kiss me?” She squeaks.
“I want a lot more than that, but, for now, I’ll stick with kissing. With your permission?”
“I…yes…please-”
His lips land against hers in a kiss that starts out soft and sweet and slowly grows more heated.
And when he sits her on the edge of her desk, and moves to stand between her legs, with his lips moving to her neck to leave an obvious mark on her sensitive skin…well, he has to stake his claim somehow, right?
#star wars#tcw#vodika-vibes 500 followers celebration#commander neyo x reader#neyo x reader#star wars fanfiction#x reader fanfiction#f!reader fic#answered asks
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Hey everyone, dunno how long this might be, kind of doing a stream of consciousness style ramble about TNTF and me and stuff :)
alright so, tntf is getting a huge rework, this is my first if game ever, the coding is a little overwhelming, i know it’s fairly simple but it’s A LOT.
the reason i’ve been pretty quiet is mostly due to burnout, as some of you know i have health issues, i have crohns disease, i’m also autistic with adhd—something i love about this community is the understanding and acceptance for people/authors like me who may want to write but are just too stuck to be able to do it.
i know everyone is so jazzed for the next update, and i am too, there’s a few changes i’m making in regards to the technical aspects of the story, i’m removing stats, for the MC and for relationships. part of it is… i’m not a numbers person, trying to balance out the stats going up and down is a pain when this is planned to be a pretty damn long story. i also just don’t like it for my story personally, i don’t want you, as the player to feel like you have to game-ify personality or relationships.
this also opens the option for me to write more player responses to situations without having all of that annoying code in my brain~ MORE FLAVOR!
My writing has also vastly improved when it comes to fiction, a lot because i have been practicing so much while i’ve been sick (i’ve been playing with and writing AI chatbots on Janitor.AI, learning how to create a complex and realistic personality, an engaging character and world.) It’s been useful as a stress reliever and as a tool to help me write better, more descriptive etc.
on that note, smut in my game is also a very yes, i feel much more comfortable writing it now… heh.
i’ve also decided that all of my books are going to remain free, tntf was a planned three book series, it may just be one or two HUGE books, we’re going to have to see what i, and twine are capable of. but the story is going to span four countries and two continents of the world, so yeah.
the new rewrite is also going to slow things down considerably, because now we’ll have MC on a ship for four months as the intro, then meeting maddock and spending <insert amount of time here> with him while traveling to that little inn. it also gives me more room to introduce the characters a lot earlier but in their own POVs and not just while they’re with MC. i want the world to feel alive.
my decision to make and keep tntf free is because i want to.
i would not appreciate minors interacting with my content, but i also grew up with the internet, i know that no matter how much prevention we put in, minors are going to access our content regardless if it’s free or not. i just ask that if you are a minor and reading adult fiction, please don’t comment, dm or whatever, this is for your safety in the community as well as, i don’t want to deal with other people’s children on the internet, it’s nothing against any of ya’ll, you’re awesome, children are great but i’m almost 26, i really don’t want to deal with kids in what’s pretty much an adult space (i haven’t really seen books catered to the younger than 18 crowd, but like i’m saying, i’m more interested in forging connections with the adult community here, considering i am one, lmao *bats children away with pool noodles*)
i think that’s it
i might post more stuff but that’s my general direction
also to the asks in my inbox from last year on my birthday and forward… I READ THEM ALL AND APPRECIATE EVERY WELL WISH AND FEEDBACK, GENUINELY. i’m just bad at social media.
#the night that feeds#tntf#interactive fiction#tntf if#personal not if related#personal if related#dark fantasy#maddock#the hunger#captain ward#fellis
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Outlining Alternate CaitVi Endings (Revolution Version)
It's pretty obvious that I'm a lesbian who was deeply disappointed in CaitVi and writers' treatment of Zaun's oppression. In a combination of pettiness and creative & critical thought, I let myself explore some options for CaitVi endings that I would enjoy more. Scenario 1 is tragedy. Scenario 2 aims for happy-ish realistic endings.
What my goals were
My preference would have still been no bury your gays or doomed lesbians. We get enough of that. But given the way the writers set up their lived experiences, decisions, and trauma, it doesn't seem likely that CaitVi's extensive list of issues would be resolved in such a small amount of time for a super happy ending. So I outlined CaitVi endings I would have enjoyed dissecting or would make more sense than whatever tf the writers settled for.
I mostly felt the issues with CaitVi were the massive unaddressed power imbalance, lack of time and scenes showing their growth, use of trauma for plot rather than realistic trauma informed writing, lack of awareness of lesbian history/ issues, and downgrading Vi to be more of a side character.
This does not dive into the nitty gritty details of Black Rose, Viktor Glorious Evolution, Timebomb, Singed, AU Arcane adventures plotlines they jammed in to the end. These mostly focus on the CaitVi dynamic as it relates to the Ambessa power grab / Zaun v Piltover plotline. Trying to think about how every single plotline intersects probably would have quadrupled this post length. Then again if I were in the writers' shoes, I wouldn't have jammed so many plotlines into a single 9 episode season.
Proposed change for roughly mid act 2 / early act 3 area:
Instead of a weird Avengers Endgame type of final battle, I would have loved to see a Zaun vs Piltover revolution ending. I want to see the impending class war they seemed to set up in season 1 and part of season 2 actually play out.
These endings below pick up after Cait with Maddie scene & pitfighter Vi and before Cait and Vi meet again and team up like they did in the valley. Instead, plot proceeds in a way that the Cait with Piltover and Vi with Zaun arcs get their time to actually develop. My proposed endings also assume a revolution is the ending. Zaun works their way up to fight for their freedom. I assume the escalation goes something like Paint the Town Blue rebellion > jailed > jail break > make specific demands for their freedom as a people > they are ignored so they escalate to a coordinated attack or two > the response is Piltover violence > final battle.
To me, in a Zaun v Piltover revolution ending, Vi and Jinx meet each other again and some factor (ideally not Warwick) pushes them together to try to make their bickery, broken sisterly relationship work. In the process, Vi reconnects with fellow Zaunites, maybe using her skills as a fighter to help build their revolutionary cause's offense and defense, teaching people to fight like she taught Ekko. Maybe this could happen alongside Sevika and we get to see the Vander traitor and Zaun class traitor dynamic play out.
There could also be potential moments where Vi is shown trying to recover from her alcoholism, nearly relapsing or relapsing. I didn't like how they just used addiction to show Vi struggling and then abandoned a characteristic that never stops when people are addicts in real life. I would prefer a more realistic depiction.
My main proposals surround 2 paths for Cait (with subsections):
Cait could go full Macbeth. Misguided and manipulated by Ambessa, she continues further down the path of letting her privileged opinions of Zaunites become full blown hatred and violence. Ambitious and strategic person that she is, Ambessa pushes propaganda that would strengthen Piltover's and especially Cait's prejudiced view that Zaun is a bunch of ruthless animals. I also envision Cait receiving a lot of planned (from Ambessa's minions) and unplanned (maybe from her dad who is not in a healthy state) validation about the "leadership and strength" she's showing in Piltover's time of need. That keeps Cait where she is.
Cait would still be Ambessa's lap dog, but clearly there's something simmering underneath that Cait is not 100% in it. As time goes by, she grows increasingly disillusioned with and guilt ridden about what Piltover is doing, but hides that, not trusting anyone, not even Maddie, with that information given the brewing war with Zaun. She starts thinking more and more about Vi and how she wish she could talk and work with her again, but regrets that she fucked things up. Maybe she has flashbacks of how she hit and abandoned vi. Closeups of the hit, a flash of Vi's crying face, or sounds of Vi's crying as Cait left the sewer.
Cait and Vi Reunite
Scenario 1
I would want the time that Cait and Vi to reunite to be during a battle, attempted Piltover attack from Zaun, or even the prison breakout mission with Jinx and Sevika, but with Vi participating somehow.
Cait would be present there and this could go a couple of directions
A.
Cait continues the Macbeth road, attacking Vi and in the process Vi gets to punch back and express everything she felt during her alcoholic self punishment phase. Cait fights and argues back. The "conversation" isn't necessarily productive, but they're both finally honest with each other during the brief moments they can get a few words in. Towards the end of the fight, there's a moment where Cait could kill Vi. Vi's attitude in that moment is "I dare you, go for it." But something holds Cait back and she can't do it.
Either Cait pushes Vi away and threatens Vi not to let her see her again OR Vi pushes her off noticing her hesitance and deep down sentimental person that she is, incapacitates her long enough to run away and join the battle elsewhere.
B.
Cait sees Vi from afar through her scope. She has the chance to take the shot but can't do it- too much commotion in the way. She runs closer to get a better shot, knowing to keep her distance. A flash happens that reminds her of a CaitVi moment of the past. Vi spots her and approaches to attack. They begin fighting, but Vi senses Cait is pulling her punches. Vi demands she fight full out. Cait, to her own surprise/ confusion, blurts out that she can't. Vi pushes her away and they sit there for a very brief moment in confusion and anger. Cait warns Vi not to let her see her again and yells at her to leave, Cait on the floor now and Vi walking away.
Cait stands and walks away after Vi has left but in future scenes, keeps thinking about why she wouldn't kill Vi. Tries to stay focused for Piltover, but fails over time. All this thinking about Vi transitions into privately thinking about the Zaunites and starting to resist Ambessa's propaganda. Then this 1B arc transitions to become 2 (jump to number 2 below).
2.
Conflicted about the crimes she committed under Ambessa and conflicted about the way she treated Vi, Cait searches Vi out in Zaun in disguise. She finds Vi privately and what ensues is a dual confession/ apology scene.
Maybe she finds Vi in that apartment she used during her pitfighter phase. While it's a bit cleaner, Cait still clocks the many hidden empty bottles Vi still hasn't thrown out yet. It's a clear picture for how Cait affected Vi.
Vi argues at Cait, detailing all the ways Cait betrayed the "Zaunites". At some point it becomes clear this speech has a dual meaning for what Cait actually did to the Zaunites AND how she treated Vi. Vi's walls are up with Cait again because of how Cait abandoned her near immediately after asking her not to change. Having her fear of abandonment retriggered, Vi resists because she wonders "what's keeping her from leaving again?"
Vi looks at her with disapproval as Cait begs for forgiveness, says she fucked up following Ambessa the way she did, wants to be a team like she and Vi used to be, etc. Vi resists all of Cait's attempts to hold her hands, look in her eyes, or otherwise get through to her. After all, Cait mostly initiates physical touch when she wants something from Vi. At one point Cait begs on her knees! (Mirroring the Cait abuse & abandoning in sewer moment). That's when Vi says she can't forgive her, but they can work together for Zaun and it has to be on her terms. Maybe Vi could lay out the boundaries OR she could have Ekko, a lifetime pillar in the Zaun community who always thought Cait was sus but originally gave her a pass bc she was with Vi, decide what conditions the revolution accepts Cait. Jinx somehow hears about this situation and does not want Cait in their community or near Vi- Jinx doesn't trust Cait at all. Jinx maintains an air of distrust and dislike for Cait.
Whoever lays the conditions out, Cait is not in a leadership position in Zaun. She is a pawn for their revolution who must remain deprived of the level of power she had before in Piltover as she helps them in their pursuit of freedom. Cait respects that decision. Cait's arc is either A. general pawn/ soldier or B. a spy for Zaun.
Situation 2 CaitVi development:
2A
Cait as Zaun pawn/ soldier arc
As a convert to the Zaun community, Cait joins in their preparations and community gatherings. The people are extremely hesitant at first because many remember her from the gassing / Jinx hunt. Cait has to work hard to earn their trust. It's a rough learning curve for Cait at first because rich, privileged Piltie that she is, putting others' needs before your own and working to earn people's trust isn't something she has much experience with and it's not a quick process.
Now that she is actually living with Zaunites, she sees firsthand the complexities of life in Zaun and the ways they create hope even during preparations for a revolution.
Cait grows to care for Zaun, finding ways to give back by teaching skills she learned in her rich upbringing that Zaun might not have had the chance to learn due to Piltover oppression. She also gives back with the insider knowledge she has of enforcer and other fighting techniques and city, building, and jail layouts.
In this process, Vi sees how Cait is changing and how she's starting to understand a core part of Vi's identity- Zaun- and begins to feel for and trust Cait again.
Without going too in depth about envisioning a Jinx arc, she would still be rockily navigating her mental illness and PTSD, her identity/ place in the world, her relationship with her sister, and her trinkets. But let's not forget season 1 Jinx hated Cait, especially for stealing Vi from her. Jinx would still have lingering resentment for her. In a 2A scenario maybe she gets to a point of accepting the reality that Cait will be around and isn't actively harming Zaunites, but doesn't force herself to like, trust, or pretend to like her. I wouldn't want Cait to grow to like Jinx either given the events of season 1 and early season 2. "You stay over there, I'll stay over here" vibes. In a 2A situation, they would put up with each other because they care for Vi and the bigger concern is preparing to fight Piltover; an "enemies to forced allies" dynamic. I think maintaining at least one Zaun character that never comes around and is always suspicious of Cait would be necessary. It makes sense that it's Jinx.
I could see Jinx having a moment where she confronts Cait as the final battle approaches, telling her that she doesn't trust her and she better not mess anything up (with the battle or with Vi) or else Jinx will rain fire down on her.
In 2A, CaitVi likely share lingering glances every once in a while. Cait very clearly wants Vi but knows better than to initiate without knowing if Vi wants that. As Vi's trust has grown and Cait's understanding has, maybe they share a tender moment (a kiss, or an intentional, slow make out sesh at most) around a fire at some point. If they were to kiss, Vi should initiate it.
Realistically sex isn't something I see them having in a second season given how much trust from Vi and understanding from Cait they need to build. But if sex were to happen at all, 2A is the most likely scenario and it should happen on Vi's turf. In my opinion, Cait should be the one learning how to make Vi happy. Vi deserves rest and reciprocal care for once. If they were to have a sex scene, maybe it would be "let's live tonight like it's our last" before a big battle. Or maybe it would be "I don't know if I trust you fully but part of me wants to try" and Cait being patient as Vi talks/ guides her through what she's comfortable with.
Ultimately, in this 2A scenario I would want CaitVi to mutually understand that they are drawn to one another but aren't fully committing to exploring that because the revolution takes precedence and they need to learn to trust and understand one another. They inevitably fall for each other along the way, so they let themselves indulge just a bit.
2B
Cait Spy arc
Cait returns to continue her life in Piltover, but as a mole. During rare calculated times when Ambessa is busy or even on lookout, Cait meets Vi or someone from Piltover to keep them updated with any new information. She gives them city or building layouts, updates on Ambessa's plans, fighting strategy and weapon intel, etc. The Zaunites, with the help of Cait, craft a plan for betrayal against Ambessa for the long term, not wanting to mess up what they know will be one opportunity to get it right. Maybe in true lesbian fashion, Cait and Vi exchange (likely coded) letters with one another. I bet Vi's writing is near illegible lol. Potential ode to the LoL Valentine's letters?
In this 2B situation, because Cait is a spy, she is mostly still spending her time in Piltover. She doesn't get as much time to understand the Zaun community firsthand because she can't arise suspicion in Ambessa. Like 2A, she becomes more firm in her resolution to fight for Zaun, but in 2B its more like "I'm done pushing the propaganda and crimes of Piltover, they must be stopped" instead of "Zaun is a unique, complex people who deserve freedom, we must end their oppression." In this 2B scenario, Cait is defined by what she fights against versus what she fights for.
I would also assume if Cait were a spy long term, there's a possibility Ambessa's suspicions would arise at some point and she would try to have Cait prove her loyalty somehow.
Vi still visits Cait every once in a while when it is safe to do so, whether for revolution or personal interest reasons. Her sneaking and parkour skills come in handy here. She's snuck into Cait's room before so she knows how to do it again. Her trust does build slightly for Cait seeing how determined Cait is to resist Piltover. But with so little time spent together on Vi's turf seeing Cait interact with the Zaun community, Vi doesn't learn to trust Cait to the extent of the 2A situation.
I could see a CaitVi yearning scene play out where Vi is leaving Cait's room to head back to Zaun and just before she's out and Vi's back is to Cait, Cait says "Vi... I miss you". The camera angle shifts to show a look in Vi's eyes that she feels similarly. But Vi collects herself before turning her head back to say "Don't let Ambessa see that" with a kind of bittersweet smile and leaving. I envision her expression to be similar to the "don't sugarcoat it cupcake" scene.
In a similar situation to 2A, I see Jinx in 2B as trying to navigate her mental illness and PTSD, rocky relationship with Vi, how she exists in the world, and her trinkets. In 2B she would would get very few scenes interacting with Cait. She'd probably mostly hear about her through Vi and the whole time still hate and distrust Cait and dislike that Vi is talking with her. I truly do not envision Jinx ever "blessing" CaitVi like she did in season 2 yeesh...
In 2B, CaitVi have lingering glances or touches, but the most they'd do in this scenario is kiss before breaking away to focus on reality again. In this scenario CaitVi would mutually understand that they used to have a longing and a spark between them. The spark might still be there, but there's too much distance between them to fully explore it.
Final Battle
1A:
The final battle leads to a very tragic ending.
Ambessa is leading the army with tech, machinery, and other Piltover resources. Zaun previously attacked with guerilla tactics and some of that transferred to this final battle. But they have most of Zaun on their side as well as Jinx with her tech, Ekko and hopefully his rewind ability, sharpshooter Cait, Sevika with her arm, and fighter Vi. (I haven't thought about how Jayce/ Viktor fit into this).
Cait and Vi are on opposite sides of the battle. After all the war crimes Cait committed, she's going to war ultimately fighting for Piltover, but she's grown tired being so rageful all the time. She steps onto the battlefield in a sniper line alongside other shooters. As she watches the brutal casualties unfold in the field, Cait has a few devastated or even guilty looks as she watches Zaunites die at Piltover's hands. She's not reacting to this situation how she expected, but this is the side she chose. At Ambessa's command she hesitantly moves into the battlefield to use the close combat fighting skills Ambessa taught her.
At one point, Cait comes face to face with Vi, Ambessa encouraging her to end the fight for good. As the fight continues, it's clear that both Vi and Cait don't want to be fighting each other, at least not like this. Maybe Cait has flashes of guilt for the crimes she committed and how she treated Vi. After some shared glances or maybe whispers, the two of them pretend to keep fighting because Cait obviously has a plan. Cait then whips around and lands a shot or sneak attack to make Ambessa fold to the ground. I have mixed feelings about how rushed Black Rose felt, but Mel could somehow be the final blow for Ambessa dying or maybe it could be Cait. Regardless, Cait incapacitates Ambessa in some way.
In my opinion, if full Macbeth tragedy is the direction Cait goes, I would want her to tragically be shot just as she hit Ambessa. Her last redeeming move as a full blown fascist dictator puppet was to take out the mastermind before she dies on the battlefield. In this tragic arc, I see inspirations of Ambessa as Macbeth and Cait as Lady Macbeth, both dying in the end. But Ambessa's death is due to a combination of ego and ambition and Cait's is in a final guilt ridden self sacrificing redeeming act.
Vi is devastated as she can only watch Cait, the first woman who cared for her but the most recent person to abandon her, die. She has to be torn away from Cait in the battlefield's danger. Maybe Jinx is the one to tear her away.
2A and B battle
Similar thing as 1A, Ambessa is leading the army with tech, machinery, and other Piltover resources. Zaun previously attacked with guerilla tactics and some of that transferred to this final battle. But they have most of Zaun on their side as well as Jinx with her tech, Ekko and hopefully his rewind ability, sharpshooter Cait, Sevika with her arm, and fighter Vi. (I haven't thought about how Jayce/ Viktor fit into this).
For 2A, Cait and Vi are fighting for Zaun together in a style that compliment each other. Vi gets up close while Cait attacks from a distance, likely in disguise and hidden so Ambessa doesn't realize immediately that it's her.
For 2B, Cait is fighting "with" Piltover, but intentionally landing non-fatal minimal damage shots to Zaunites or "missing" and hitting Piltover soldiers, ensuring that Ambessa doesn't notice. She's waiting for the right moment to execute the Ambessa attack plan.
The battle ultimately suffers many losses. I'd love it to be a war where it's clear that neither side necessarily "won" but Zaun still gets some demands met OR Zaun wins just barely with a Piltover agreement for some level of freedom they haven't had in years. I'm not talking that "Sevika is on the council, it's hopeful that they have a voice now" type of ending. I mean Piltover agrees to at least most conditions for Zaun's quality of life and freedom to exist undisturbed.
For both the Zaun pawn (2A) and Zaun spy (2B) arcs, Cait could deal an unexpected near fatal or fatal blown to Ambessa. For the spy scenario, it could be a little more convoluted or more of a backstabbing/ twist feeling for Ambessa.
I know the writers said that they knew Vi and Jinx's final scene since the beginning. I personally believe they neglected Jinx's mental struggles and characteristics from season 1 in season 2. I don't see Vi and Jinx reuniting over the power of sisterhood to fight in the end like they did in act 3 finale. To me, their arc would still be a strained sisterly relationship, but one that by the end they have a clearer understanding of how they need to coexist. In my mind, Vi realizes Jinx doesn't need protecting or saving. She's a completely different person now, but she's still her sister. And Jinx recognizes that her sister is loyal to a fault and self punishes. She realizes sometimes Vi needs to be encouraged or forced to explore the world as her own person. In my eyes, if they're both alive after the battle, then they don't decide to continue down a shared path, but respect going separate-ish ways.
If the battle ends with Jinx "dying" somehow, I would want Cait to immediately be there to support Vi. Vi is always there to support the people around her, especially with Cait when she needed it or Jinx when she didn't want it, sometimes at Vi's own detriment. Cait needs to finally show up for her in a time of need.
Scenario 1A Ending
Zaun just barely makes it out as a victor in this revolutionary battle. With Ambessa defeated, Mel alive, Cait gone, and many Piltover soldiers dead, Piltover submits to Zaun's demands.
Zaun returns to their community hopeful but in despair at the massive losses of their people and the trauma they endured. People come together to help each other post-battle. It's a bloody but bittersweet scene.
While Jinx survived, she recognizes she needs to go elsewhere soon after Zaun has recovered from the battle. Vi and Jinx have a conversation about Jinx leaving and Vi doesn't want to let her go. Their final line is that "I'm always with you even when we're worlds apart" line. Jinx says it's ok because she knows they'll see each other again someday. While it's sad to see them go their separate ways, they're both still alive and still love each other, just from a necessary distance.
Vi is devastated at the loss of Cait, the first woman to care for her but the most recent person to abandon her (in the sewer & her Macbeth-like arc). She wonders what could have been if she survived. But ultimately, even with Jinx leaving soon she isn't alone anymore. 8 years after being thrown in prison, she now has a community of people that know and care for her. She understands who she is and who she needs to be for her community: a protector.
Scenario 2 Happy Endings
2A
After many casualties and after the trauma of the battle, Cait and Vi return to Zaun to start the process of rebuilding. Zaun's community lost a lot of people and ultimately, Piltover begrudgingly allowed Zaun at least most of their demands. Zaun's on their own for the rebuilding process. We end on a bittersweet note seeing Zaunites care for one another as they recover from a long battle.
Both Cait and Vi have taken up a role together for Zaun. They're not enforcers, but following the inevitable strong feelings after a won revolution, Zaun needs a new protective force to ensure Zaunites are safe from any potential rogue/ surprise Piltover attacks. I didn't dive into other characters' arcs, but I could see Sevika being in charge of this force. From Silco's servant to a guardian for the people. As someone incarcerated for the formative years of her life, Vi's main life skill is she knows how to fight. She mostly went without a certain cause but this ending would allow her to fight for a cause; her people.
Vi knows how she exists in her community now and they embrace her. Cait has abandoned her Piltover upbringing to make amends for her harmful past, working with Vi to protect the peace of Zaun and giving a life with Vi a chance.
Cait and Vi share a tender moment (embrace, hand hold, cheek caress, etc) as they look over the scene of Zaunites taking care of one another and reuniting with families. The last line between them involves their pet names for each other "cupcake" and "violet".
2B
Zaun lost a lot of people and ultimately, Piltover begrudgingly allowed Zaun at least a portion of their demands. Zaun's on their own for the rebuilding process.
After many casualties and after the trauma of the battle, Vi invites Cait to return to Zaun for a chance at living with Zaun. Cait is hesitant to accept, knowing that the Zaunites might not welcome her and doubting she deserves the courtesy. But she certainly wouldn't be welcome back in Piltover.
Vi suggests Cait let (either the people or imo a Zaun leader figure) decide. Cait follows Vi back to Zaun and the Zaunites, seeing Cait's Piltover outfit, cast dirty looks, whisper as she passes, ignore her presence, or spit at her. Most would know her from gassing Zaun.
Vi advocates on Cait's behalf, explaining that she helped the revolution in huge ways as a spy and now has nowhere else to turn. Cait then speaks briefly and states she understands if they don't accept her in, but that she will accept any conditions. The people/ Zaun leader figure very hesitantly allow her into the community with conditions.
Cait and Vi's final scene together is Vi helping Cait settle in somewhere. It's clear that things are still not fixed between them. Cait has a little more work to do to earn people's trust and to earn VI's trust. But the final exchange before Vi leaves involves a loving look, lingering touch, or maybe Vi kissing Cait's hand and Vi using the nickname "cupcake" for the first time in a while- implying that things are looking up for them.
We end on a bittersweet note seeing Zaunites, including Vi, care for one another as they recover from a long battle. Maybe Cait watches them with an intrigued look at her new community. Maybe she makes her way over to help with first aid.
The End
Probably still isn't perfect but it's likely an improvement for CaitVi arcs. It was a fun writing exercise, thanks to anyone who read my creative exploration lol.
This process really illuminated how much the writers backed themselves into a corner with CaitVi and how much they fell short with political commentary/ Zaun's oppression by crappily trying to "both sides" Zaun v Piltover. The way they set CaitVi up, if they wanted them to have an arc that at least made sense AND that people like me rooted for, they ultimately needed time that season two 1. Didn't have and 2. They made even smaller due to darting focuses on new plotlines, other characters, and the Vi main to side character downgrade.
To any fellow arcane critical members, what ending would you have liked (for plot or a specific character/ dynamic?)
#arcane critical#arcane season 2#lesbian#arcane criticism#lesbians deserve better#caitvi#creative writing#arcane vi#arcane#arcane cait
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Top 5 Couple Fights
Oooooooh this is fun! Thank you for a relatively easy category because so often the fights in these shows are unearned and it is very frustrating. I'm still limiting myself to 2023!
Wen and Alan, Moonlight Chicken
This fight felt real, it felt lived in, and it felt heartbreaking even though we only saw some of it. These two men love each other, but love isn't enough to keep them together, and that realization is as heartbreaking as the fight itself.
My Personal Weatherman
I am obsessed with the fights in My Personal Weatherman because the characters often don't know they're in one, or are in two different fights at the same time. This is all tied to how much I love how well the miscommunication is done in this show. These fights are legible based on what we know about these characters and what they've seen, even when they're completely unnecessary, and I adore that. Of course the best one is the ending fight and not just because Segasaki ties up Yo's wrists in his shirt.
Jack O'Frost
[Not enough gifs of this actual fight and I need to finish this list so this is what you get]. The fight at the very start of this show escalated so quickly, at first I wasn't sure about it even while I appreciated the performances and the intimate way it was shot. But when we get the backstory and we finally understand how much has been withheld and said vs. not said between them, and where their anxieties were rooted and the source of these big feelings, this fight makes so much more sense. This is a show that really benefits from being watched more than once.
La Pluie
[for some reason tumblr is giving me this link to Shan's blog rather than @liyazaki so tagging you, friend!]
Patts was pushed and pushed and pushed, and he lashed out in his insecurity, and when he asked for reassurance (this lineeee) Saengtai refused to give it to him and instead lashed out out of his own insecurity. This was a painful fight that was fully earned; all of the characters and their choices were legible even as they were infuriating. And it led to a critical awakening of Saengtai who was so caught up in his own sad boy narrative he hadn't realized how much he was hurting everyone around him.
My Beautiful Man S2
Kiyoi and Hira's communication issues continuing past S1 is very believable. I said elsewhere that Hira's work on his self-worth is more like a spiral than a straight line and that's very relatable and realistic. Kiyoi being hurt by Hira not valuing Kiyoi's feelings was such an important lesson for Hira to get more than once. Again, so earned, and resulted in the characters self-reflecting and moving a little closer to whatever a healthy relationship means for these two lol
Laws of Attraction
How much do I Love Tinn seeing right through Charn and Charn being big mad at him for Perceiving him so well? All of their fights are so good because they're about boundaries and mutual respect at their core, and they actually listen to one another and are based on how well they know one another (rather than what so often happens, when the characters seem to forget who the person they're in love with actually is). This barely counts as fight but I love it and it's my list so it stays.
Bonus entry that's only for me (shh stop counting the above):
Mr. Cinderella S2
Nobody but me and like 2 other people watched this show, but I'm actually obsessed with the couple fight in Mr. Cinderella s2 so thank you for the chance to rant about it on main some more. I need to start by saying: this plot is ridiculous and the ending sucks. But within this show, Dung and Khoa have an established relationship that has been tested in S1 and is being tested harder in S2, and to a point, they actually stand together and weather the storm, and it was rewarding to watch. And then slowly everything happening ("everything" here being an ABSURD amount of melodrama) starts to wear on Khoa, who sees himself as the one solely responsible for everything, and he unlearns some of what he learned in s1, he stops relying on Dung as his support, stops telling Dung what's going on because he doesn't want to burden him, and stops trusting Dung's word about what is happening. And so, when the jealousy plot hits, it's actually believable that Dung would be mad at Khoa, not for cheating, but for not respecting Dung as a partner in their relationship. It's well done, I wish so much that it were in a better show so that I could actually recommend anyone watching (I don't). I've seen this trope (assumed cheating) done so badly and so unearned in so many shows, this was so refreshing.
Extra bonus: Best couple fight scene of all time?
Gameboys S2
[I give up on gifs of this scene; have them upset for other reasons instead!]
What I love about the way they fight in this show is that, beyond it being earned etc. etc., the dialogue is so raw. They repeat themselves, they just yell over one another, they get rude, they try saying something to de-escalate and it gets worse instead. This is not a carefully crafted speech, or a single perfectly delivered devastating line; this is raw emotion. I recognize this fight, I've been in this fight, this is what I sound like when I fight lol And we see them really fight at least twice, and the way they fight in ep8 has changed as a result of the earlier fight is also SO good.
#2023 round-ups#bl meta#multi bl#thank you for the ask!#this one was very fun#i got close to actually being good about following the rules on this one...sort of#moonlight chicken#my personal weatherman#taikan yoho#jack o'frost#la pluie#my beautiful man s2#utsukushii kare#laws of attraction#mr cinderella s2#twig talks#gameboys s2#i feel very strongly that a fight needs to be about the characters as they are and where they need to be in order to work as a couple#and so many shows regress their characters in a fight in order to be able to have a fight and resolution#rather than letting the characters actually grow and mature#anyway I have strong opinions about fights and they're rarely done well lol
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Table of Contents
Due to the startling amount of reposts on my end, I have decided to make this Menu.
Essential, I've managed to figure out how to pin posts. So this will serve as a hub for my account. This way you all don't need to dig through my account just to find my projects or my continuation.
The links below should take you to whatever post you select. These will be categorized in order from top to bottom, top being the beginning of a series and the bottom being the most recent.*
Side stories will be placed in their own personal section with a bracket stating the series they're assigned to. EX: [Nowhere]
(Recent is subject to change)
AO3
Crownless Monarchy (MHA's Continuation)
Kota: The Idealist
Hime and Ikkaku (Side Story
Fimbulwinter
?
Incident Report
Deku: The Doll Part 1
Deku: The Doll Part 2
Nowhere (Timeline Derailment)
First Draft ( Contains drafts for chapters 1-2, things are subject to change)
How Corrupt is Hero Society? (Critical Analysis and Theories)
Part 1: Hawks
Part 2: Endeavor and Nomu a cause for Concern
Part 3: The Jaku Raid
Other Stuffs
No Words
Chapter 429 is my personal Dabi's Dance
A Thought, A Theory (predecessor to the below post, some information is dated.)
Midoriya's Delusion (an extended and improved version of the above post. Can also work for the Crownless Monarchy continuation)
Response to @mikeellee's ask
Midoriya's reason for not being able to see his classmates doesn't add up
AU Concepts and Idea's (Feel free to use, just heed the requests)
Achilles Heel
Midoriya's hero name sucks, also tonight: more info on MHA's future problems. This time? Medical
The Jaku Disaster if it actually mattered
Nothing Rei went through was consensual
Further Elaboration on the Aftermath of a realistic Jaku
Hori and Character Bloat
Was AFO ever a proper villain?
Ask: Was Midoriya's popularity suppressed by the Commission?
Who knew of Enji's atrocities?
Rei-Demoption: Writing a proper arc
Side Stories
For CM:
Hime and Ikkaku
Where Are They At: A look into MHA's future
Explaining Mic's absence
Character Profile: Deku
For Nowhere:
X
Side Projects:
Gilded Cage (warning: format is not mobile friendly)
MHA Rework: Redeeming The Licensing Exam [Why Inasa sucks]
X
#bnha critical#mha critical#mha rewrite#mha ewe#anti horikoshi#anti aizawa#anti bakugo katsuki#anti enji todoroki#hero society critical#More tags will be added
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Long rambling about personal health stuff under the cut:
So, my physical health has been slowly declining over the past couple of months--think extreme fatigue, headaches, lightheadedness, and energy levels that are basically on the ground--and it's left me unable to do a full day of adult life, ie. work a full time job, be a parent, take care of a house, and participate in my hobbies. Most days I can now only choose a few of these essential activities and know that I absolutely have to budget in significant time to rest if I want to reach the end of the day without becoming comatose on the couch.
As someone who is used to having almost an unlimited well of energy (thanks, ADHD!), the reverse is almost unbearable. It makes me feel lazy, unproductive, and a burden on my loved ones, and it SUCKS. I'm used to being able to run long distances as WELL as participate in all of my responsibilities and hobbies, and now I can barely get through the day without a nap. I literally ran a half marathon in May, and now it's a miracle if I'm able to do a single mile.
Blood tests revealed that I have low B12, and everything other measurable metric is perfectly fine. So, I've started taking B12 supplements every day for a little under a week now, but so far I've not really felt any better. I still can't go for a walk without feeling all shaky and unsteady. I know I'm probably going to have to give my body more than a week to adjust, but honestly my biggest worry is that there's something ELSE wrong at the same time and that, whatever it is, it's not going to be easily identified and I'm going to have to spend disgusting amounts of time and money attempting to navigate the healthcare system and find an answer.
Meanwhile, I continue to be exhausted and anxious because not being completely 100% self-sufficient is one of my biggest triggers in life.
Anyways, things have kinda sucked lately, I've been trying to navigate chronic fatigue and I'm still learning how to function on less. My biggest struggle right now is figuring out how to have ready-to-eat food on hand at all times without spending an arm and a leg. Having a fridge and pantry full of ingredients that I have to cook has been my biggest obstacle, and realistically I need to get over myself and keep myself stocked with frozen dinners and other already-assembled food for times when I'm not able to cook.
I know lots of other folks out there are struggling with chronic fatigue... anyone have any other tips for me?
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Sorry for the length of this, but here I go…I just found your blog and your insight has been a delight to read, and it’s definitely helping me digest the emotional rollercoaster that is Chapter 426. But you’ve mentioned how Shouto could possibly experience setbacks, like being regulated to sidekick status or having to pay all his money towards reparations.
For the sake of my soul because I love Shoto, do you think it could be possible for him to not have to experience setbacks to such an extreme - like still getting to be a hero (maybe him being the one to save everyone from Dabi’s flames could alleviate some of the potential social stigma), and not having to pay as much for reparations if Enji handles the bulk of it (even if he isn’t a hero anymore, I can imagine he still has money now, and could make more based of royalties from sales of his hero merchandise or whatever)?
And also, what do you imagine is in store for Fuyumi and Rei’s future, could they at least change their last names like Natsuo and have a fresh start? Thank you! :)
Those comments came from the JPN fandom Twitter and I was quite shocked to see them too. I’ve been trying to read up on the Japanese criminal system and how a perpetrator’s family is treated and from what I gather “taking responsibility” is more a social pressure than a legally enforceable one.
The perpetrator’s family can still help obtain less severe sentence for the perpetrator by apologising, settling victim compensation with the victims’ families.
Public shaming is also really a thing - so I think the controversy will realistically follow Shouto.
As for him being able to be a pro hero - with Hawks (despite his villain father) becoming HPSC president, I’m actually not too worried about that. I can’t imagine Hawks signing off on anything that would amount to Shouto being punished for Dabi’s crimes considering he personally stopped him twice (and not to mention also fought him at Jakku to keep him from hurting anyone else).
If the ranking system stays, I think it would affect Shouto’s ranking (and with that his income) because public approval is part of the points and for sure there will be people questioning if he should be allowed to wield his quirk with the family history they have.
As for the compensation, yes, I think Endeavor could do this for sure and in any case it is his responsibility as head of the family. He needs to track down all of Dabi’s victims families and agree on compensation packages so they won’t go after Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shouto (especially Shouto who will be in the public eye).
With 30 victims and their entire families being compensated, plus the injuries Dabi caused, I imagine it will seriously reduce Enji’s wealth (which also means less to support Rei or Fuyumi with).
But once Shouto debuts as pro hero, I’m sure there will be still people going after him and trying to take advantage like it happens all the time with famous people. And even if it’s not a legal obligation, we’ve seen that Shouto never refused to take responsibility for the family’s crimes and immoral behaviour even though he was a literal child, blameless and a victim in this all.
Changing names in Japan is not so easy. It’s a question of belonging to family registries. So Natsuo, who is getting married can be put on the registry of his wife’s family (if they consent) and take their name.
Fuyumi - if she married - would also go on the family registry of her future husband. But unlike Natsuo, she was not in a relationship and now with the scars on her face and being from a disgraced family, I don’t know what her prospects are.
Rei has no option - her birth family sold her and never lifted a finger for her during the worst years of the abuse. Unfortunately, I don’t see this changing. So she’s stuck on Enji’s registry.
For Shouto it doesn’t matter. The entire country knows who he was born to and why. If he tries to change his name, it may be its own controversy.
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You have some pretty great takes on Edwin so I was wondering if you had any thoughts on what a season 2 arc could realistically look like for him. Edwin's s1 character arc is fleshed out and concludes nicely with Edwin having a growing understanding of himself, so I'm guessing we will get to see him navigate these newly realized parts of himself in season 2, but I have no idea how that could actually play out. I'm also wondering about the Charles of it all, since one of Edwins newest revelations is his feelings for Charles. I'm wondering how he'll deal with that. Edwins a very "on mission" type person who always needs a problem to solve, but since his feelings for Charles are already figured out (and Charles supposedly lack of romantic feelings isn't a problem with a solution) I can imagine Edwin pushing those feelings to the back of his mind so he can focus on problems he deems fixable.
good question– I feel like it’s pretty easy to think of what kinds of conflicts and feelings charles might deal with in a s2 but edwin’s situation is certainly a lot more open-ended as it stands– but, that being said, him and his feelings are very very intertwined with charles and whatever charles is dealing with (especially in regards to edwin himself), so whether or not something external or overarching s2 plot-related ends up influencing edwin’s arc(s), I think we can pretty solidly say that part of his s2 situation is gonna have to do with charles’, not passively, but directly.
soooooo what i mean is that whatever might ALSO be going on at the same time with him, edwin’s probably gonna be heavily impacted by charles’ impending sexuality/romantic crisis and however that manifests. I think the most prominent idea in my head of how this might go (though of course i have others) based on charles’ response to the confession and his flirtatiousness in the finale is– if charles maintains, or god forbid ramps up, his flirting and teasing, all while edwin believes he was rejected, charles is straight (and based on crystal kissing him in the butcher shop, also possibly believing charles is still set on dating her), and all-in-all he doesn’t actually have a chance– it’s going to drive him fucking insane.
like, obviously he’d love the affection and attention, and he’d continue to be relieved that his confession definitely didn’t repel charles in any way, but with the belief that it can’t and won’t amount to what edwin pines for, that the implications of attraction aren’t genuine, etc– at a certain point that relief and flattery is going to give way to an ever-growing, pained frustration that’s bound to reach a breaking point eventually. and with edwin simultaneously becoming more and more confident in his sexuality and his romantic feelings and such, the pre-existing insecurity won’t be strong enough to prevent his willful, not-afraid-to-speak-his-mind personality from breaking through and making him snap once something pushes him over the edge. and yeah, he’d be a bit worried about damaging their friendship by bringing it up initially and all that, but I think he’d be equally, if not more worried over the feeling that he won’t be able to take being strung along like this forever, especially if/when charles ends up with someone else. it’d just be unnecessarily painful.
of course, all the while, charles isn’t registering his behavior as cruel or anything, because in his mind, his response to the confession wasn’t a rejection at all. it was open-ended, with the implication that they’d figure it out over time once they could. nor is he really that focused on edwin’s perception of his flirtatiousness, because he knows how edwin feels about him, and he’s dealing with his own internal conflicts trying to figure out
A) if his feelings truly amount to being “in love”,
B) what that implies for his identity, and
C) how to know what being “in love” even means and how to identify it in himself (this one being especially heavy, because it involves dealing with the fact that he really wasn’t deeply loved by anyone during his time alive, and he didn’t get to see any good examples of what being in love should be either).
shifting the focus back towards edwin– let’s say, as charles is dealing with all that, he ends up in a situation where crystal kisses him, perhaps misreading him confiding in her and asking about what it means to be in love (which, I have to note, would be a satisfying little parallel to edwin’s conversation with monty). and though he’d shy away and she’d be able to tell something was wrong and/or that he wasn’t talking about her before he even says it, the damage is done, either directly (by being witnessed) or with a delay (someone mentioning that they kissed later on). that, and/or the two appearing to be off in private together and in intimate conversations a lot as of late (when in reality charles is mostly working out his feelings for edwin and his identity issues with her, definitely deeply bonding with her but not like that)– the cues would build up and make edwin’s snapping all the more inevitable.
and i mean, there’s several ways that confrontation could play out, but the natural, drama-esque scenario to me would be edwin having an outburst of all that pent up anger and pain and jealousy and confusion, during which charles realizes that this whole time edwin’s thought that he’d been rejected. edwin, being stubborn and intense as he can be, clearly needs to be fully, completely convinced, and charles, always the type to act on impulse and heart, kisses him into clarification. and also to shut him up. cliché? maybe. but tell me you can’t see it.
anywayyyyyy obviously there’s a plethora of other ways all this can go, plenty of other conflicts that can pop up in between, and as for storylines/themes/etc outside of this particular relationship it’s nearly impossible to tell what might come up because obviously edwin (and everyone else) will be intertwined with whatever the plot turns out to be and whoever it may introduce– but this is probably what I’ve thought about the most. second most dwelled upon plot point in all this being charles having to address his Own jealousy over the guys who hit on edwin– like. considering that’s not exactly a super platonic feeling, at least at the level he feels it. but yeah, i could go on forever so I should probably stop.
#rambling#asks#thank you so much for asking. both because it’s flattering to hear that I have interesting takes and because i wrote most of this at work#and it saved me from like two hours of boredom because it was sooooooooo slow#payneland#edwin#charles#edwin payne#charles rowland#dead boy detectives
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/olderthannetfic/768940866455896064/i-dont-like-it-when-heavily-traumatized?
I feel like there's an ounce of truth to saying something like that is cowardice, though? Just as an observation, to be fair. Neutral, not judgemental. It is cowardly—or it can be—and that is also fine, I think. It's pretty realistic to be cowardly, especially after facing trauma. I don't understand what's wrong with that, I guess? Saying so, I mean.
I mean, I can imagine people are needlessly rude about it, but like... generally speaking, what's wrong with being a bit of a coward?
There are two characters I love very deeply who I would say are cowardly, to the extent that they both sort of meltdown, panic and run away—one so much that he has a bout of disorganized speech—and though the circumstances are different, it's just one way to deal with the situation. They can't face it upfront, so they go around, and honestly, in these cases, they're better off for that. It's an extremely overblown and emotional response, but it is also very real. It's fine, I think, if someone is cowardly, because honestly, who isn't? And many things can exacerbate that. It's like being "selfish" or whatever, too, like of course you want things for yourself. Who doesn't? And in that same vein, who isn't afraid? Who faces everything all the time? Who doesn't back down sometimes? It's, you know, normal. Necessary, sometimes. Ideally, you'd improve, but hey, maybe running away initially would be better for facing it later.
Like, you can't deal with everything all the time. Lots of statements like that, "coward", etc., ought to be more neutral. I think every person alive wants to avoid difficulty. I don't think many people are truly that brave or as good as they'd like to think. It's just a way of protecting yourself, albeit, it can be wrong and harmful in and of itself, especially pushed too far—say, avoiding difficulty and pain to the extent that you can say you "don't want to hurt anyone" while somehow managing to hurt everyone. That's not very good, but I mean. It happens. It's more about what you can do to make up for that, or if you even realize it to start, but a lot of that stuff is just totally normal for people to do.
I don't think it'd be bad unless they avoid difficulty to the extreme and never take responsibility. In that case, I'd say no amount of trauma makes up for the damage they'd do. Worse, they likely won't even be able to see the harm because doing that would mean holding themselves accountable, although that can be a lovely trainwreck, at least—made better by the fact it isn't real.
I got off track a little, I don't know. Cowardice is just not being brave. Maybe people will be rude about that, but there's nothing wrong with lacking bravery, and there are plenty reasons one would, especially after facing some particular hardship. Closing yourself off is cowardly on some level, but objectively it is also a way to protect yourself, and that may be insensible or ridiculous to some, but it's also a perfectly reasonable response. Makes sense, psychologically. When you face a lot of hardship and then get on the other side of that, sometimes it just makes it harder to face anything else. And I just don't think cowardice is wrong, inherently. Withdrawing can protect us. Sometimes, that made us safe before. Maybe it doesn't now, but people will keep doing the thing that made them safe before, long past its expiration date. And that can hurt a lot more than if we hadn't. So it's a neat thing to explore, but I dunno. To me, "coward" is a net neutral. It isn't a statement of value. It just is. The value lies in the handling of the cowardice, I think, not in the word itself.
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Hey, I'm gonna make a bit of a long post here. It's going to be ramble-y, it's going to be kind of a stream of thought deal, and I don't really know where it's going to end up as I'm writing this. It's personal, and it's something I feel strongly about, and it has to do with my last textpost.
So. The topic of today is:
I Don't Like Talking About Myself Anymore.
And no, this isn't going to be some post where I'm just venting, but moreso analyzing why. I need to get my thoughts out there on this, and I need to...talk about it, really. Just throw it off my chest, into a wild where maybe six people will read it. So let's get into it.
Last night, in a small bit of frustration, I made a post talking about people trying to over-analyze media, and give it an objective rating of it being good or bad, and indirectly using that as some high ground, telling people that they shouldn't like something because it's "objectively bad". If you want to read that, I'll put a link to it below.
Link to post: Fair warning, I use a bit of harsh language. I stand by it, though.
And ever since I posted this, I've been in a lot of thoughts about it. What brought this surge of emotion up? Why do I feel so particularly strongly about it? Why is this a belief I hold close to my heart? And - the answer isn't really simple. Like most emotions people go through, it ends up being a complex weave. So let's start with the absolute basics.
First thing's first. Part of the reason I feel so strongly about this is, that, there's a natural element of attachment to the media that people enjoy, and that includes myself. *I* have some form of attachment to the media I enjoy. FPSes, the dnd campaign I play in every week, the small bits of music and other games that I enjoy, the people I like watching on youtube or even the small amount of shows I enjoy watching. All of it takes up at least somewhat of a portion of my life, and as such, it becomes part of...who I am, in a way. Media sticks with people, it can influence them in various ways.
And now, we live in a world where people end up trying to analyze everything to a point where nobody can just admit that they *dislike* something these days. There always has to be some kind of justification for their dislike, there always has to be some logical, realistic reason for it that makes sense in their head. So, they come up with reasons why. And those reasons can range from a wide variety of things. For example, if I told someone I liked the genre of metal in music, I could get a response along the lines of, "Oh, metal (the genre of music) is too formulaic. Everything's the same, so it's bad. And, the lyrics end up sounding like a kid wrote them", instead of that person just saying "you know, I really do respect your tastes in music, however, I am not a fan of metal, because it simply isn't for me." The latter of these two responses would legitimately tell me, the person speaking, that, hey. I can respect that this isn't for them, and that I can disengage the topic on friendly terms. Not everyone's going to mutually like the exact same things, and that's part of being human. However.
The first response is where things get bad. Because now, suddenly, I feel confronted. I now have to sit there and justify my like for something, in a heated debate that I didn't want to have in the first place, because here I was, pouring my heart out about something I love. And now, that love is being attacked by someone who had no real purpose in it. And it doesn't even come out of a place of malice, most of the time. People are nowadays super trained into thinking that they have to fit into these very specific camps or else like...they'll be laughed at, or whatever.
So, this all leads me back to the topic at the top of this post. I don't like talking about myself anymore. I don't like going off about the hobbies I have. The OCs whose stories I think about every day, my favorite video games or movies or songs or...any of it. Because the default response these days seems to be that, if I'm not talking with someone who likes the things I like, that I'm going to be met with some form of backlash on it. And it hurts. It genuinely really hurts. I hold up something I genuinely love, and I want to talk about it with people. (At least, when people want to hear about it. Don't force things on people, that also isn't right. Something I'm working on myself, too.) I want to share it, and now I'm afraid to, because at the end of it all, I think I'm going to be...harassed, or chastised, or ridiculed, or some other thing, because that happens to be the default now. And now I feel backed into a corner, where I've put myself in some kind of shame box that I'm only now after maybe 15 years starting to slowly work my way out of.
Just respect other people's hobbies, as long as they aren't harmful. That's all I ask.
#sorcerer rambles#long post#final extra thoughts:#I once had someone who I am very good friends with say something along the lines of like#"oh#And in the moment I really didn't know how to respond#I like the gunplay and the world and the gameplay of it all#and if the person who said that reads this#I do not harbor any ill will towards you for that. You apologized and owned up#I'm just using it as an example because it was the first thing that came to mind#but like I was legitimately hurt in the moment#something about it felt like I was being insulted for this thing I like#and I know that this experience isn't going to be universal#but it's important enough to me. To who I am.#I want to love other people's hobbies. I want to take part in other people's joy.#I want to love my own hobbies too. But now I'm just afraid#I'm afraid to talk about it. I'm afraid to even *like* my hobbies at this point#and I need to grow out of it. So talking about it like this is a step.#And it's a step I need to continue taking. Be cringe and be free.#Cringe culture is dead anyways. Fuck that
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you as a sydcarmy writer manifesting lesbian syd is so funny to me but also real af to be honest lmao
😭. Listen—
Spoilers for season 3 below the cut
Season three honestly killed something in me lol. I hated it so much. And I hated Carmy’s behavior toward Syd so much. Just my personal opinion. But the sydcarmy lover in me is taking a little break because I’m so angry at this new version of Carmy who apparently doesn’t respect Syd for shit… not *my* Carmen Berzatto, that’s for sure. I would never have shipped that version of Carmy with Syd honestly. I think a key aspect of Carmy’s personality is that he gets overloaded, lashes out, & then feels overwhelming shame & guilt afterward. Which is a classic trauma response. But this season it’s just all explosions, no shame/guilt. I don’t personally think it’s a realistic depiction of his trauma/character type thus far, as someone who grew up in a similar environment. I also just think he respects Syd enough not to treat her like he did this season, and I think she has enough self respect not to tolerate it! Season one Syd would’ve been out the door. She quit after much less from Carmy in season one!
I could go on and on. Essentially I think they ruined their own show bc they were so mad about people interpreting it differently than they wanted. I think Chris Storer threw a little bitch fit & was like ‘fuck you guys :( you want my complex characters to have sex, I hate you :(‘ & purposefully sidelined Syd & Carmy’s partnership/friendship/whatever it was intended to be to try to squash the shipping which is so bizarre to me. I don’t even really care if Syd/Carmy canonically happens, I grew up in the golden age of Superwholock, no amount of anti-sydcarmy quotes will sway me. But it’s sad bc with this season, part of my enthusiasm for them as a couple faded; I want Syd to be with somebody who respects her on a professional & personal level. It honestly just makes me a bit uncomfortable to think about her being with Carmy atm in the context of season three because I feel his verbal abuse of her & his total dismissal of her as a partner were way out of line.
So, as a lesbian who loves Ayo, I’m currently rooting for lesbian lmao.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just my thoughts.
I still love Syd & Carmy in seasons 1 & 2 so I’ll finish my fic soon, just taking a little break atm.
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i think eventually we’re going to have to find a way to appropriately and realistically engage with young people who are publicly learning new information, because everyone is on board with the concept of “after a certain point you can’t blame ignorance on education you have to take responsibility and seek information out” but then when kids lack the foundation or framework to then analyze and synthesize that information it’s too easy to sit back and say stupid gen z the youth are doomed!!!!!!! especially when those same kids are - for better or for worse - working through their ignorance in a public forum.
like we either have to swallow our knee-jerk reaction to their lack of understanding and offer guidance when we’re able, or we have to have a bigger conversation about what it means to become radicalized or introduced to leftist spaces when you don’t have a strong background in how to interact with new information/facts and when information is spread through Trends like a new pair of shoes. i know that wailing about how we think the youth are wandering into bigotry traps or don’t know how to verify information or whatever is like. standard but. i do remember what it felt like when every new thing i learned required that i readjust my entire worldview and how i accepted things and thought critically about things, and there is a way to extend that grace to people who have the unfortunate impulse to document their journey out of stupidity online without catastrophizing.
and again i guess the context changes for each person as everyone is being fed different videos/articles about The Youth(tm) and their habits but personally i have been so uplifted by the massive amount of young people who are trying to learn (and unlearn) an enormous amount of information in a very small amount of time, especially considering that many of these people (again, that i have personally seen) are doing so without the support of the adults in their lives or often their peers. and trying to do that within a hive mind echochamber in public is HARD and i guess i just think there are more beneficial ways to react to sensationalized accounts of what they’re doing and how they’re reacting than just like. assuming worst case scenarios for entire generations of people…. especially when we know the people who are used as examples in articles etc are always going to be the dumbest and most controversial
#sorry to let my People Are Good and we Owe People Space To Learn pollyanna attitude is coming out but#knowing how to engage with new information is a learned skill and a lot#of these kids don’t have it!!! but they can develop it if they’re not met at every turn with either derision or doomsday#also please don’t purposefully misread this i’m not saying young people cannot be bigots#or aren’t bigots#i’m saying when you’re trying with the best intentions to educate yourself you deserve to be met with assistance and resources so that you#can make the best use out of the things you’re seeking to understand
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Have you ever confessed your love to someone? I did. I begged them to love me, but there is no forcing love. I never received a response. My letter went like this.
Hey You,
It’s hard knowing that someone like you exists. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you exist. Yet you’re out there in the world, and I can’t seem to forget about you. But like Dr. Suess said, don’t be sad it’s over, be happy it happened, right?
I’m writing this letter because I’m not sure when we will meet again, and I don’t think I’m capable of holding onto my truth in silence any longer. I love you, and I miss you. I love you like fire loves water. I miss you like I miss home. It is a feeling I can’t put words to, but I know I am still in love with you.
There’s no expectation for you to reply, but I need you to know that I feel this way. I don’t love you rationally, meaning I’m not about to argue that the problems we used to have would magically go away. And I’m not hurting from the breakup. This isn’t coming from a place of lust. What continues to hurt is my own denial of these feelings.
When I begged you to stay all those months ago, I didn’t know what learning to be alone would be like. I was so scared of the unknown. I was scared to lose you, and therefore to lose myself. In learning how to be alone, I had to come to terms with the depth of my love for you. I lost myself, and I found myself again. And who I am now is still someone who loves you.
I wonder how my feelings persist, considering the amount of time it’s been, but I do not wonder why the feelings persist. I love you because I can see the future in you. I don’t mean a future together, necessarily -- I mean the future of the world. Your kindness, your grace, your laugh, your nature, are one-of-a-kind. Your existence is proof that the world can be a good place.
Truthfully, I am probably insane for still loving you. But this year, I learned that being authentic and honest is worth any price, even that of rejection. I learned how to hold onto love and optimism despite fear and pain.
When I think about you, it is in two senses. First, in the ‘someday, maybe’ sense. I hold onto a hope that if we were ever to cross paths again, and it was truly right, we could have a healthy love. Mainly, I don’t worry about it ‘working out’, though. Realistic or unrealistic, I want to be more than friends. That’s the second sense; I do want to be with you.
You’re still in my head and my heart. From what I can tell, you don’t feel the same. However you truly feel, I hope you can be authentic and honest with me.
You know I think the world of you. I love you unconditionally, and unconditional love is scary, but it is also really special. I may not express a traditional kind of love, but I’m not a normal person. Independent, yet emotional. Strong, yet sensitive. Intelligent, yet aloof. I’m a screwed-up kid, but my heart could stretch the lengths of the Earth.
I am a lover, not a fighter. Some nights, the memories of arguments past cross my mind. I have to apologise for the pain I caused you. I am sorry. I never wanted to fight with you. I wanted to love you and feel loved in return.
Everyone deserves to feel emotionally understood in a relationship. In the past, I felt misunderstood by you, and I misunderstood you, too. But I’m no longer looking for ‘happiness’ as feelings of elation in a hopeless romance. I’m searching for happiness as contentment, peace, fulfilment, understanding in a soft, stable, and supportive romance.
Human connection is one of the only certain meanings of life. I feel a real connection with you. If I didn’t tell you, I wouldn't forgive myself.
You might be interested in somebody else. You might be interested in nobody, just taking care of yourself. You might tell me it’s one-sided, or be completely caught off-guard. You often say that you don't feel much emotion, but clearly, I feel emotions for you. Whatever the reality, don’t let this be cause to worry. I only want you to know the truth.
No matter how you receive this, I hope you think of me as someone who loves you, depth over distance. Life is short, and the days are long. I can't waste time waiting anymore. If you love someone, tell them, right?
Yours,
t
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