#nikolai clearly has more sense

[ssaraexposs]

Remembering that Sigma really dislikes Nikolai, while Nikolai clearly doesn't. This duo really is something

[syoounn]

~ Their Reactions not giving them physical affection.

~ Characters: Dazai, Chuuya, Fyodor, Nikolai, Sigma

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"Belllaaaa~"

He said, begging and pleading at you he was looking at you with those puppy eyes of his as you continue to ignore him.

Dazai whimpers as you’re starting to ignore him. At this point, he has no other choice than to pout and plead. He buries his head against the pillow and speaks with a pouty voice.

“Come onnnn…. You’re not gonna break and feel bad for me? Maybe even forgive me? I mean, I’m love of your life, right?"

You sigh.. "If you haven't touched that cake, you wouldn't be in this situation." you said.

“Please, please, please…. Just come cuddle with me… I can handle any punishment you give me, anything… but not denial of physical affection…”

"No means no." You said and got back the attention to the book.

Dazai’s frown deepens further when you continue to deny him. The words ‘no means no’ are the absolute worst thing you could’ve said to him right now.

His arms slowly let go of yours, and he folds his, folding his arms and turning in the opposite direction of you. His voice now has a more cold but also pouty tone to it as he mumbles.

“Fine… but you’ll come to regret denying me….”

As you felt your eyelids getting heavy.. you closed your eyes and slowly fell asleep, still holding the book. Dazai looks over towards you and notices that you look like you’re fast asleep, still trying to uphold the pouty behaviour. He lets out a soft sigh before he reaches to wrap his arms around you and pulls you closer. After this, he buries his face into your neck, enjoying the warmth of your skin.

A light chuckle then escapes his lips as he decides to be mischievous and kisses your neck softly.

Dazai decides to continue this behaviour, continuing to kiss and nibble your neck and hold you close as the silence fills the room. The only other sounds that accompany the moment are the light snores from you as well as the soft breathing coming from himself. He’s now content and no longer pouting.

You ended up having hickeys this morning.

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You were busy handling papers... as Chuuya looks at you as he's saying it's time for you two to cuddle.

"Can't cuddle right now, Chuu.. need to finish this... you can sleep first." You said as returning your attention back to the papers.

Chuuya looks slightly disappointed but accepts it. He sighs a little.

“Fine. I’ll just... lie here.”

He puts his arms over you anyway, not expecting much more than being allowed to hold you in his grasp.

He remains quiet, staring up at the ceiling. He glances at you for a moment before turning his gaze back towards the ceiling. You notice that his muscles are noticeably tensing, his jaw clenched. As if he’s trying to hold himself back from something.

“You know what, screw it. If you’re gonna stay up all goddamn night, I’ll stay up with you. There’s no way that I can sleep while you’re still up.”

He shifts toward your direction and pulls you to the bed so that he’s lying close beside you. One of his arms wraps around you as he turns the lights off. His voice is soft in the darkness, but you can sense that he must be in a bad mood. You don't need to see the frown on his face to know that.

"I was not done yet!" You said protesting.

"Too bad. You need to get some rest, and I'll see to it that you do." His tone of voice is sharp and short, but at the same time, you detect a touch of concern.

Chuuya gently pulls you closer and settles you onto his chest. The faint smell of his cologne, expensive wine, and sweat radiates off his skin. The rhythm of his heartbeat is steady and slow. He's clearly trying hard to be patient, but his agitation is barely contained. The tension is palpable.

"I'll make you tired whether you want it or not."

His embrace tightens as he begins to stroke your hair gently. His hand slides up and down your head, the friction of his fingers running through your hair being strangely soothing. Every time his hand goes across your hair, it's like another wave of tiredness washes over you, making it increasingly harder to keep your eyes open.

As you can't keep your eyes open , you eventually dozed off and ended up panicking about the papers the next day. However.. it was worth it.

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You don't really see any reason for him to be getting declined for physical affection or.. until you ask him...

"Hmm.. how would you react having no cuddles and kisses?"

He raises an eyebrow, but a small smirk forms on his lips as he reaches for you and pulls you close, kissing your forehead and stroking your hair gently. "You do realise you could ask for affection like I am your lover, instead of asking an open-ended question with the intent to start a debate?"

Despite the words, Fyodor remains calm and collected as he runs his fingers through your soft hair. "I trust the absence of physical contact was what you were insinuating?"

"I-..I was just asking.." You said.

Again, he lets out a soft hum. Very well. I'll answer, even though I find the question in itself quite strange. "Would I be upset with no cuddles or kisses? Of course not. I don't require such acts to be satisfied."

Fyodor's voice now holds a certain tone of amusement. "Now, is your curiosity sated?" He pulls you close again, planting a gentle kiss on your forehead once more.

You nodded in response..

Fyodor chuckles softly. Then, I shall continue to be affectionate. "Now, let me ask you something, dear. Would you rather spend your nights without my warm embrace?" His voice holds a certain degree of teasing, but there's a note of seriousness to it, his deep eyes locking with yours.

"No..! Of course not..!"

His smile grows wider as he continues to stroke your hair. "Then you shall not be without it." He pulls you closer, planting another peck on your forehead and then on your lips. You melt on his little kiss as you glad to ask about that.

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Both of you are just relaxing at the couch as Nikolai is always asking you these quizzes.. and of course.. you wanna make it a little hard for him.

“Alright~”

Nikolai grins as he adjusts himself to sit up properly, hands behind his back. He looks at you with curious intensity in his eyes.

“Okay…. First question!”

His grin widens even further as he waits for you to give him a nod to start.

"Oh.. if i got it right.. you won't get cuddles and kisses, " you said..

“And if you get it wrong?”

Nikolai asks, smirking as he waits for you to answer his question. He already knows what you’re gonna choose, but it’s just a matter of seeing if you’ll fall for one of his trap questions he’ll put in later.

"You'll get one.."

“Okay then, I’ll kiss and cuddle you if you get it wrong~”

He states."The question is ‘is the sky blue?’ What will you choose, yes or no~?"

"It's light blue." You said correctly.

“Oh~”

Nikolai says playfully, pretending to be surprised by your answer. He seems amused by the fact that you specified ‘light’ blue instead of saying just… blue.

“But that’s right, so you guessed correctly~"

He says, smiling at you flirtatiously as he wiggles closer to you. He grabs you by your waist and pulls you closer and closer to his lap.

“I guess I gotta kiss and cuddle you.”

Before you could even do that, you stopped him and smiled..

"I got it right.. so no kisses and cuddles.."

“But I said I’ll give those to you if you guessed correctly—

Nikolai grumbles, playing along with the charade while still smiling playfully at you. He lets out a few chuckles as he rests his hands on your hips and moves his head over yours. You can tell from his gaze just how much he enjoys playing with you instead of being serious.

“No fair~”

“Hm…" well then…”

Nikolai leans in closer so he’s right inches away from your face.

“I guess I’ll have to just…”

He says before suddenly he leans in a tiny bit more, almost as if he’s about to kiss you. He keeps getting closer and closer until his nose is almost touching your lips.

As Nikolai pulls his head away from yours, he laughs. He notices that his little joke worked and that you really did get flustered by his fake, almost kiss. He couldn’t help but feel pleased about your reaction.

He smiles mischievously and leans in to actually kiss you on the lips that time. Only this time, it’s a proper full-on smooch. His lips are soft and tender as they linger on yours.

Nikolai slowly pulls back once more, taking in the moment and your panting breaths while you’re left a flustered mess. He giggles at your reaction once more and snickers while watching you try to gather yourself back together. He can’t help himself but kiss you again, lingering his lips on yours for an extended period of time. Nikolai doesn’t want to end this, not yet. He enjoys seeing you so flustered and red.

And now.. you've ended up being overly showered with kisses.

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Sigma has been spending too much time at the Casino again. And now you’re being all pouty and refused to give him cuddles.

He then let out a deep breath, seeing you all pouty and refusing to give him cuddles. He couldn’t help but have his soft, loving eyes widen a bit, thinking how could you be so incredibly adorable. He then slowly walked over to you. “My love…?” He then reached out slowly to wrap his arms around you, hoping to get you to smile again.

As you still didn’t reply or smile back to him, he then started looking at you even more intently. He then started hugging you tightly, trying his best to make you feel comfortable.

He didn’t know what to do as he couldn’t remember what triggered your pouty look, and he couldn’t bear the thought of upsetting you.

He then started rubbing your back, trying to show his affection physically, and hoping this would ease the tension.

He then pulled away and started playing with your hair, looking into your eyes as he tilted his head out of curiosity to see if you were still going to remain stubborn enough to not smile at him. After playing with your hand for a few seconds, he then gave it a soft kiss, hoping this would break the tension.

And you couldn't pretend to be mad at him anymore... you were melting and blushing from his touch as you just gave him a hug.

"I miss you..."

As you suddenly hugged him, all his worries instantly melted away, and his arms wrapped around you, holding you tightly and not letting go. His mind then cleared itself of all thoughts, as he focused his attention on just feeling you in his arms.

He then started tracing circles on your back, while one hand remained holding on to yours. He then spoke softly as his other hand moved to the back of your head and started slowly stroking your hair. “I miss you too..”

You ended up clinging to him all night feeling guilty that you tried to ignore him and would never do that again, you mean.. how, can you ignore this adorable person?!

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[syllvane]

beginnings pt 2- nikolai lantsov x reader

You don’t get the luxury of figuring out that it’s an ambush until after you’ve been clocked in the head with a rifle, too focused on scope of your rifle to hear the footsteps coming up behind you.

When you wake up, it’s to the impact of your body being dropped out far in the harbor, too far out for anyone from the shore to hear you scream and cinderblocks tied to your legs to drown you.

“Kaz!” You screamed, your voice hoarse. “Jes!”

No response, no sound other than your own struggling in the water. 

A tide pulled you under and submerged you, pulling you further away from the shore, the city of Ketterdam becoming mere lights in the distance.

You swam up desperately, panting from the effort and lack of air.

You couldn’t survive like this for much longer.

You submerged yourself again and only as you instantly descended 10 feet as you gave up resistance did you realize that you had signed your death warrant.

There was no more going up for air.

And so, you sink.

No mourners, no funerals.

When you wake up, it feels like a horse has kicked you in the chest and your throat burns when you breathe.

You open your eyes to see three sets of unfamiliar faces looking at you and so, you use all of the little energy you have to fight, knocking the person on the left off-balance, though you’d attribute that more to surprise than the actual skill demonstrated in the swipe.

You manage to stand up- not without feeling nauseous, but at least you’re standing - as you move to engage with the other two.

“I had a feeling you would wake up and immediately start throwing punches.” A familiar voice said and your head whipped to the front of the ship to see none other than Sturmhond at the helm.

Of course.

“How did you-”

“You can thank the twins and Toma, our tidemaker. They’re the ones who sensed you out there and brought you in.”

You looked at the two people standing directly in front of you, who you now had the perception to see that they were clearly related.

You opened your mouth to speak and when no words came, you simply gave them a deep nod.

The woman returned it and the man, taller than her, gave you a smile.

“I’m not going to stop you from thanking me though as well.” Sturmhond said and you shot a glare at him.

“And what should I thank you for? Did you lift my body out of the water with your own two hands?” You asked and he shook his head, shrugging.

“I mean, you are on my boat, and I wasn’t planning on charging you for saving your life or passage. Perks of me liking you.”

You ignored the last part of that statement, ignored how warm your cheeks felt and how your heart sped up.

Out of the corner of your eye, you could see the woman stifle a smile.

“I need to go back to Ketterdam.”

“We’re already a day away from Ketterdam, and we’re on a tight schedule to find the Sea Whip. I’m sorry.” Sturmhond said and you shook your head, looking around for any sign that he was joking or lying.

You felt a strong hand on your shoulder and you looked to your side to see the woman.

“He’s not lying, I’m sorry.”

tags: @a-disturbing-self-reflection

[jay-whyy]

Comprehending Nikolai Gogol; The True King

Regarding Nikolai' Gogol within Bungo Stray Sogs…

Incoming character analyzation which was inspired by my comments of a quiz on Quotev. Here's something: I may have developed a unique perspective on Nikolai's character.

Nikolai is perceived as a clown through and through. However, one of the biggest points in his personality is his longing for freedom.

For this, we need to define his version of "freedom", because from what I've observed, it's rather unusual.

Nikolai is unique in terms of his dynamic with Fyodor Dostoevsky. Why does he choose to be with Fyodor? What is his purpose in serving Fyodor?

To me, it simply doesn't make sense. Fyodor appears to be restricting Nikolai, as a result of Fyodor's very own ideologies binding him to his restrictive humanity. Nikolai standing by Fyodor, it's hardly freedom.

And, let's not forget that his clown persona is a mask. Similar to Dazai, Nikolai wears a mask to conceal his true self. Thus, we raise the question: What purpose does Nikolai's mask serve?

I believe that the mask conceals something. Like how Dazai has multiple personas to protect his vulnerability, Nikolai wears a mask to protect something.

So here, I've got word, from well, myself.

It hides his intelligence.

Nikolai is an intelligent man, capable of serving Fyodor, known as one of the two Kings of one of the Chessboards in Bungo Stray Dogs.

With that being said, understand this: A royal attendant must be able to satisfy the King's needs.

Fyodor requires those who are capable enough to fulfill his tasks, meaning the intelligent. Nikolai is, naturally, capable. From this, we can conclude that he is more than what he lets on, and Fyodor knows this.

Then, it wouldn't be too far-fetched to say that Fyodor keeps Nikolai by his side, in order to control him even better, no?

This hints at Nikolai's true definition of "freedom", and we're almost concluding.

With Nikolai's intelligence, he is clearly aware of Fyodor's blatant attempts to control him. Yet, he continuously abides by the words of Fyodor. Why is this the case?

From my own experience, let me tell you this: When you've been controller for a long, long time, you grow to despise your role.

You wonder when your rule over your chessboard ends, you wish to break free.

Doesn't that sound like Nikolai?

He purposefully plays himself into the hands of Fyodor, letting Fyodor pull his strings as if he was a marionette.

Through this, he doesn't have to work as a manipulator anymore.

He sits back and allows strings to tug him into position, leaving his every move up to Fyodor's control.

And if he is controlled, he no longer needs to control.

Essentially, he breaks away from his control over the chessboard, detaching himself from his mind that only knows to manipulate.

Fyodor is his controller, he escapes through Fyodor. Yet, he's so much more than Fyodor is, logically and emotionally intelligent like a court jester.

In exchange for freedom, Nikolai serves the King.

Am I so wrong, to see that in Nikolai?

Nikolai sees freedom in being controlled by Fyodor.

[sleepymaven]

The Bsd "Fyodor is Atsushi's Father" Theory:

My Not-so-Deep, Not-so-Serious Explanation on Why This Could Totally be Canon

Signed: A Sleep-Deprived Idiot

(Spoilers for the Entirety of Bungou Stray Dogs)

So... with Chapter 118 in bsd releasing, I have noticed a lot of Fyodor as Atsushi's father related things popping up and... I'm not mad about.

If anything, I'm happy the theory is getting more attention. People even seem to be taking it as canon fact, even if just jokingly.

Really, I believed the theory was plausible since it first was brought up in the fandom, but I never actually thought it would be canon because that just seemed too crazy. But those were the thoughts of a sweet summer child since the manga has gotten to the point where that might be the least crazy thing possible.

So, here I am at my keyboard yet again, ready to ramble about how, if this does somehow turn out to be canon, this might be actually rather predictable even to those who don't dive deep into the nitty-gritty lore.

Now, I won't ramble on and on endlessly about the book and Atsushi's ambiguous past and how he may be the book or a page from the book and yaddy-yadda. Instead, I'll focus on some key aspects of Atsushi's character design. First off...

His hair.

As I said, this is not all that serious or deep, so take my words with a grain of salt before you start bashing me or something for being ridiculous. You signed up for ridiculous when you started reading past the title.

Anyway, back to Atsushi's hair.

As we almost all know, Atsushi used to have a black streak in his hair that was later removed for unknown reasons, but he also has white hair.

Now, I could jokingly proclaim, "Hehe, biologically impossible Fyodor x Nikolai lovechild," and be done with it, but I am no clown, unlike Nikolai. No, I have a better, probably completely wrong, idea.

Most of us know that Fyodor has a thing for white-haired men.

Exhibit A: Every fucking member of the Decay of Angels

I rest my case.

Also, I feel the need to mention that 3 out of 6 of them have red-ish eyes while the other two have purple-ish/blue eyes. Just pointing out that little tidbit I noticed while finding pics for them.

So, it would make sense for Fyodor to pick and choose which attributes to give to his quote-on-quote "son" when he made him from the book, picking out certain traits he found appealing and pleasing to the eye.

(Also, yes, this could mean that Fyodor could have chose specific attributes that were similar to Nikolai. Boom, lovechild route.)

This could explain certain similarities between the characters who seemingly have no biological connection between one another. Their only connection then only being through Fyodor by just knowing him.

Got all that? Alright, next up...

His eyes.

Now, Atsushi's eyes are rather unique, even for the world of Bungou Stray Dogs. What also sticks out about them is the fact that they are pointed out and focused in from time to time.

Example:

(Fucking gorgeous eyes he has, btw)

To break down the colors of his eyes... While in normal lighting in the anime, they appear to be normally purple and yellow with just a hint of green in it, but under the full moon (as seen here) we can see that his eyes are a light green-yellow at the bottom and purple on the top that fades into blue.

(There are also a few times where his eyes also change while using his ability. Like when they turn almost fully yellow.)

I want to point out the colors of his eyes and the fact that they change due to certain circumstances (i.e: using his ability, being under the full moon), which is clearly not normal in their world seeing as how other ability users don't seem to do that at all.

(Edit here: I actually would like to mention that, in the manga, Nikolai's eyes also change color. The green one sometimes will change to match his normal eye whenever he uncovers it. I saw a theory talking about how it might change depending on whether or not he is lying at the time, which is pretty neat. More Atsushi and Nikolai parallels.)

Now, this might seem like a bit of a stretch just like the rest of this post, but the colors used for his eyes are similar to the eye colors of people Fyodor knows, though they are different shades.

Purple like Fukuchi. Green and blue from Nikolai.

Fyodor's eyes are also a shade of purple, kind of, so... Yeah, that works too, but Fukuchi's shade of eyes are closer to Atsushi's.

Yeah, that's all I can think of now and this is already way too long (if I start talking about Atsushi's mysterious past, I'm going to make this a mile long. Maybe later tho), so I'm ending it here for now.

Alright, bye ya'll.

[akutasoda]

i love ur writing so much, i cant hold myself back from requesting <333 this is my first time requesting something !!

i dont really know how to start this but what if the bsd characters (im not picky with them so you can pick any!!) were to meet the reader that has the same personality as Sparkle in Honkai starrail? Sorry if this doesnt make sense-

if u can write this then thank u!! if i requested this at the wrong time then im sorry

a thousand faces

synopsis - when they meet someone that is engrossed in theatrics

includes - yosano, nikolai, jouno, ayatsuji

warnings - gn!reader - based off sparkle, fluff, slight crack, wc - 789

a/n: thank you!! <3 it made perfect sense dw :)

taglist - @vi-chan07

akiko yosano ★↷

↪if she thought ranpo had a thing for dramatic reveals she'd be proven wrong. to her, you clearly had some sort of unhealthy love toward theatrical actions that brought you 'amusement' - so much so that it would the only thing to interest you.

↪ because she wasn't exactly the most out there and amusing person, you saw no business with her but somewhere you must of found something to amuse yourself.

↪she could tell you were unscrupulous. no regard for moral principles, no regard for how much you'd lie and no hesitation to play unfairly. to her that was concerning, nothing good could come from being associated with someone like you.

↪but you were still completely hard to read. never would she expect to understand you thoughts or actions and while that scared her slightly, it also made her more on edge around you. never knowing what you would do next.

nikolai gogol ★↷

↪a master of theatrics such as himself could easily understand another maestro of theatrics. that's what drew him to you and you to him. you both lived for some kind of amusement even though your love for it stemmed deeper than his - afterall he longed for freedom more so.

↪you two would be the equivalent of a clown and an actor. you both had little regard for mortality and would happily play dirty if it meant achieving what you oh so desired - you both lived for the thrill of theatrics and attention.

↪although he could understand your love for amusement, he still couldn't read you. he couldn't tell what you were going to do, say or think - all he could do was understand why you acted so afterwards. but really that made you all the more interesting.

↪you found alot of amusement in nikolai. he was exactly the kind of person that could reflect and different yet mostly familiar side to your usual antics. it was also his dedication to the art of performance that grabbed your attention.

↪you were both equally cunning maestro's of dangeroud theatrics, each for their own reason and goal yet you could still understand one another. afterall the art of performance could be understood by it's accompanying actors. (theatre kids fr)

saigiku jouno ★↷

↪for someone who thought on the side of justice, he was incredibly morally gray. it was that twisted side of him that would lead to him grabbing your attention as you reckoned he would aid to your 'amusement' in his own way.

↪jouno hated the way he couldn't read you - well he couldn't see you but there was something about you that preventing him picking up anything through his senses. some actors can perfect complete control of their body and it's emotions, you were no different.

↪he could tell that you always looked for some way to be extravagant. to seek that amusement through any means necessary, mostly when it's outgoing and attracts the attention of anyone. a part of him wanted to respect that.

↪he could also tell that you were very particulate and only got attracted or engaged in things is if they promised amusement or some form of art of performance.

↪for a while he did find you slightly annoying but he would get used to the way you were rather outgoing and predicament.

yukito ayatsuji ★↷

↪he has met quite the range of characters after solving 50 000 cases as a detective for 20 years. all ranging from enclosed and secluded people to the extravagant outgoing ones who like to run their mouths, but he would have to admit he's never met someone like you.

↪while he could compare you to certain people, they all don't have the same level of dedication you do to theatrics and amusement. because the only thing that grabbed your attention was 'amusement' you tended to ignore him for a while - he wasn't fun in your eyes.

↪but he found you interesting. he couldn't read you at all, couldn't understand why you acted the way you did or even what you could be thinking. the only thing he could tell about you was that you clearly had no moral principles.

↪you could lie and lie or even go back on your words without a minute of trepidation if it meant you received the 'amusement' you wanted. and that interested him - how far would you be willingly to go?

↪he could actually admire your dedication to theatrics - not so much understand but he found it admirable nonetheless.

[sophaeros]

the strokes for hmv, oct-nov 2003 / issue 134

The Strokes' second album is filled with even more firm conviction and determination than their debut, which attracted attention and became a hot topic all over the world. I want you to listen to this sound and this melody as soon as possible. You will feel their conviction.

Unwavering. The Strokes' latest and second album, "Room on Fire," is firmly imprinted with the unwavering way that The Strokes are. In other words, it is a work that clearly shows that The Strokes' perspective on what expression is has not wavered since their debut. The strength of their conviction is striking, and my trust in this band is only increasing. In addition, the song development has become more innovative, yet they have not lost the naturalness that makes them easy to listen to as "good songs." No matter how many times I listen to it, I never get bored and it gets me excited. Every sound is surprising, and I grow to love the fact that these sounds, these melodies, and the lyrics were created. It's so lovely that I can't even find anything to compare it to.

After listening to this new work, I want you to listen to the debut album again. What should become clear is that their debut album had neither the hype nor the nostalgic perspective that has often been used to criticize them. Tell that to those who call them revivalists. The seriousness of these five members, who continue to experiment with how to express the spontaneous worldview of a song in a performance without excess or deficiency, is what led to the overwhelming melodies, sound textures, and overall image of that debut album. And on this second album, that aspect has been further refined. "I think that no matter what kind of band you are, you should never lose your objectivity towards yourself. You always have to keep in mind what is wrong and what is right. When you tour, you see all those different things. And when you tour, you often rediscover songs in that sense. The more you practice, the closer you communicate with the band, and the more you understand how to communicate. We capture those different aspects on tape when we record. All the different moments we've experienced up until now were all used in the recording." (Fab Moretti: Ds) 

Saying this, Fab shows a friendly smile. After touring, every day passes, and what you gained and the gaps you didn't gain are all reflected in the sound. In recent years, rock has forgotten that "expression" is a reflection of the way you live. However, they have a strong will to change themselves, which bands who are eager to pursue intentional "change" have overlooked. They rely on what comes from within themselves and spin their sounds. The result is this wonderful latest work. The Strokes' appearance was not a revival of rock. Rather, I think they were instrumental in spreading the self-sacrificing seriousness of "rock expression" to people of all ages and genders. "Our goal is always to make the song sound as comfortable as possible when it reaches our ears. We have never compromised on that point since our debut. Even painters don't think about how they want to be received when they use certain colors or paint certain pictures, they just paint as they like. It's the same thing." (Fab)

It is clearer than ever that this band is not "Julian and friends," but that the five members' personalities and keen sensibilities for sound interact to create a thrilling sound. Listen to the guitars of Albert and Nick, the bass of Nikolai, and the drums of Fab separately. It is a masterpiece that is both lovable and dignified, so much so that you want to scoop up every little bit of what each person is trying to do and embrace them.

Text by Nami Imozawa

[roosterr]

guardian angel ✹ ch 3

note: this chapter gave me so many problems :') i have a love hate relationship with it. but anyway i hope yall enjoy :D

pairing: nikolai x gn!reader

word count: 2.2k

your callsign is 'kilo 0-9', no use of y/n, no description of reader

summary: you're gone and the gang is scrambling to get you back. nikolai has someone to sink his teeth into, and he's prepared to get his hands dirty if it means getting you back

warnings: nik's pov, canon-typical violence, a bit of light torture, english speakers attempt at russian, nik being a bit of a dick

ao3

[two] || [four]

nikolai must be losing his mind.

"you lost the sergeant?"

he has to be, he refused to believe that you were actually gone. alex's words were still ringing in his ears, the stabbing pain in his heart when he heard through the radio fresh in his memory.

you promised you'd come back to him.

he curses – the higher powers, alex, even himself for letting this happen. he drags an incredibly stressed hand through his hair, thoughts running a mile a minute thinking about where you could be, what could be happening to you. it's been a long time, longer than he can remember, since he's had someone to care about; the two of you may not have known each other for that long, but being faced with the prospect of you not coming back, he feels a genuine twinge of fear in his chest.

"i tried to follow, but the gps signal went cold and i couldn't pick it back up," alex explains with his head in his hands from where he sits at the table. "i should've intervened, i should've done something."

"it's a little late for that, no?" nikolai seethes, shooting daggers into the back of alex's head from behind his sunglasses.

"i know," he's clearly wracked by the guilt, but nik can't find the means to care, the miserable tone of alex's voice only serving to aggravate him further, "i fucked up, i'm sorry."

nikolai tuts, stepping closer to where he sits. "why are you apologising to me? 0-9 is the one missing, not me." his voice drips with venom as he drops a hand onto alex's shoulder, roughly twisting him so they can glare at each other head on.

"enough!" farah’s voice breaks them apart, as she enters the room and comes to stand across the table from them, "arguing will not fix this. we don't have time to fight amongst ourselves." she fixes them both with a stony expression, but her uneasiness bleeds through the cracks.

"i'm sorry, farah." alex sighs, and despite not being able to see his face anymore, nik can tell he’s giving her a look comparable to a kicked puppy.

she shakes her head. "i had hoped 0-9 would have more sense than this," she says. her words ignite a new wave of red hot anger within nik, and he’s about to lay into her until she continues, "but that being said, i don't believe they would put themselves at risk like this for no reason."

nik pauses, his expression relaxing. "you think something else is going on?"

"i do." farah nods, crossing her arms over her chest with a serious look on her face.

"so, what's our move, commander?" alex stands up from his seat, making his way around the table to stand next to her.

"malika has the man you captured – the original buyer – in the interrogation room." she says, looking between the two of them, "we may be able to get something out of him."

"i can make him talk." nik growls, already stalking towards the door. as far as he's concerned, it's not a matter of if they can get him to talk, but when.

farah grabs his arm as he brushes past her, "nikolai–"

"i will not take no for an answer this time, commander." his had a dangerous tone, and his face a dark expression under his aviators when he looks at her.

he and the commander hold their stares for a tense moment, neither willing to back down. farah sighs, "...very well. but please, try not to kill him."

"of course." he replies, though it's not entirely true, he has no intention of killing him until he's sure they've gotten everything they can out of him.

"nikolai," farah holds him still as he moves to walk away, as if sensing unease. "we will find them." she tells him, a determined sound to her voice. nikolai huffs, a small lopsided smile pulling at his lips.

"i will not rest until we do."

✹✹✹

the heavy lock clicks as malika turns the key, pushing the door open and watching nik from the corner of her eye as he passes her. the room is bare apart from a table, covered by a cloth, and a single chair in the centre, where their prisoner sits with his hands and feet tied securely to the wooden frame. his head hangs, and nik can clearly see his body shaking with a pathetic kind of fear.

at the clunk of the door shutting and locking again, the prisoner raises his head, his expression hardening as he looks up at nikolai – an attempt to seem tougher than he is, which is, honestly, easier to read than a wide open book. for a moment or two, he simply leans back against the wall with his arms crossed, fixing the prisoner with a glare so cold it could freeze him.

"your name?" nik finally breaks the silence, causing the prisoner to startle with they way his voice cuts through the air. he flinches slightly and tries to disguise it by shifting in his seat, the wooden chair creaking under his weight.

"i– i'm not telling you anything." he stutters, the quake in his shoulders still very much apparent.

nik hums with a disarming thoughtfulness. he was scared, that much was obvious – no matter how desperately he tried to hide it – so perhaps it would be easier to break him than he'd thought.

"it's not you i'm interested in, you're simply collateral damage." he says, pushing off the wall and stepping closer to the chair. he leans back as nik approaches, as far as his restraints would allow.

the prisoner pauses to think, seemingly having some sort of internal battle before responding. "...sergei."

"sergei," nik gives him a smile that doesn't come close to meeting his eyes, "tell me about the man you were meeting with."

"you– you're going to kill me, right?" sergei looks up at him, his expression more apprehensive than before. nik still has the false, almost mocking, smile on his face as he stares back down at his prisoner.

"if you tell me what i want to know, i will reward you with letting you keep your life."

"...you'll just kill me anyway." sergei mutters, avoiding nik's intense gaze.

"die now, or die later." nik leans down, unfolding his arms and leaning one on the armrest of the chair, invading sergei's personal space to make him squirm. "your choice."

"e– even if you let me go, there's no way baranov will let me live after–" sergei freezes, clamping his jaw shut with a distressed look on his face, and nik smiles. though tempting, he resists the urge to laugh at the obvious panic emanating from him.

"ah, now we're getting somewhere, sergei." he says, leaning back again with an amused expression. "so tell me, this baranov, where would he be now?"

sergei sputters for a moment, "i'm not– i– i won't talk." he finally hisses, the mirth in his voice no match for the desperation in his eyes.

"дружище, you already have. you think this will help you? would your comrades protect you the same way?" nik leans in closer again, a sneer on his lips, "ребёнок, i apologise."

"…what?"

"i apologise," nik repeats, the faux sympathy absent from his voice and replaced by a seething venom. "i let you think you have a choice."

without warning, he pulls back his arm and delivers a fierce and satisfying slap to sergei's face. his head whips to the side, drawing a pained grunt from him as he reels from the blow.

"fu–uck you." he spits, rolling his neck grimacing at the feeling of blood falling down his face from the fresh cut on his cheek. "you'll never find them or your soldier."

"is that so?" nik scoffs, dry and clipped as his patience wears thin. he stands back up straight, looking down his nose at sergei with a disdainful glare. "then it's also true that your little friends will never find you – though i doubt they would even look."

"...fuck you."

"they allowed you to be captured so easily – it's like i said earlier, you are simply collateral damage."

"shut the hell up!" sergei yells, lurching forward in his restraints and baring his teeth, "your moron fucking foreigner is probably missing their head by now! i bet they died wondering why you didn't save them."

the mention of you has nik seeing red, his blood practically boiling under his skin as he watches sergei insult you. it was a rookie mistake to let him get under his skin like this, but he would be damned before he let someone disrespect your name – especially in front of him.

nik lifts his boot to sergei's chest, effectively shutting him up for the moment, and with all the anger building inside him he shoves his body backwards, toppling the chair over and sergei along with it. his head makes a sickening thud when he hits the stone floor, the choked whine that leaves his throat the only indicator that he was still conscious.

nikolai smiles again, a little more genuinely this time, and steps around to stand at his side. he crouches, watching the dazed look in sergei's eyes melt into fear, and plants his boot firmly on his sternum.

"i will give you one. last. chance." nik growls, leaning more and more pressure onto his chest with every word, "tell me where my sergeant is, or i will make you beg for death."

"g– go f–uck yourself…" sergei coughs out, pulling his lips into a faint, defiant smirk.

"then we'll do this the hard way." nik sneers.

he stands, making sure to put the most weight on the foot pinning sergei, and makes his way over to the table in the corner. lifting the cloth covering it, he glances at the various tools and weapons laying in front of him. he considers all the ways he could make his prisoner bleed, slowly claw the answers he needs out of him and make him pay for how he spoke about you.

after some deliberation, nik settles on a rusty pair of long-nose pliers, replacing the cloth over the table as he turns back around to where sergei still lays helpless on the floor.

a moment passes, serving to make him even more uneasy in the silence, before nik stalks back to the middle of the room. he leans over the chair, his furious gaze piercing through sergei, and pulls it up by the armrests.

sergei's head drops forward, and he lets out another pained groan, but nik ignores his discomfort and roughly yanks his head up with a hand on his jaw. he squeezes tightly, and as sergei opens his mouth to whine again, he clamps the pliers firmly around one of his teeth.

sergei's eyes fly open at the sensation, feebly trying to shake his head in nikolai's grip. "wai– no, no no– i'll talk, i'll talk!" he sputters around the pliers, struggling in his restraints as he attempts to lean away from nik.

"then speak." he gives the pliers a sharp tug, stopping sergei's writhing and drawing another pathetic whimper from him.

"the– the meeting– it was a setup," he begins. nik lets go of his tooth and moves his hand to his throat, pulling back slightly and gesturing for him to continue. "they screwed us over – a while ago, back in russia – so baranov set the meeting up as a trap…"

a cold sense of dread settles over nik; the same feeling that had pierced his heart when alex first broke the news of your disappearance. there had been a spark of hope when farah had allowed him to question sergei, but that had been quickly snuffed out by what he'd pried out of sergei.

the hand around his neck subconsciously tightens as he processes sergei's confession. not only had they known who you were from the very beginning, but the intel you'd gathered and going undercover to catch them out – it had all been a part of their plan.

sergei lets out a choked cough, "i– i just work for him– i was just following orders, i swear!" he gasps, desperately trying to draw in a breath through nikolai's iron grip.

with a sharp click of his tongue, he releases sergei's throat, wiping his bloody hand on his shirt and giving his head a shove for good measure as he turns away. sergei's pleas and begging are white noise to nik as he throws the pliers on the table and knocks on the door for malika to let him out.

he'd have time to take his anger out later; for now though, his focus is solely on finding you and, most importantly, bringing you safely home to him.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

the realization that he’s sitting on centuries’ worth of accumulated corpses for absolutely no pay off or greater purpose is itself a looming source of anguish that he’s trying very, very hard to avoid.

This sort of broke my brain but it's so true damnn. What do you think of his pov in rule of wolves? I read it years ago and never read the book again all I remember is bits and pieces which confused me. Darkling looked very... idk messy? He saves Nikolai in the war but a moment later he's like "uhh nvm" then he also sacrifices himself in the end so maybe some of it is starting to seep in especially after Alina's words that he kept repeating to himself and also insisted that she wasn't true and how he Just Didn't Care 🙄 *insert the pretending not to cry wojak meme*

His POV was fun! I just didn't like the duology; I think the plot was a mess and it was inconsistent with itself, not to mention the trilogy before it. But I preferred RoW to KoS bc my evil goth son is in it at least. I've said this before but I dislike the base premise of resurrecting him at all, especially in a narrative where Alina remains out of the picture as protagonist. I think it undercuts her arc and efforts too badly, and like his send off was already good. He doesn't need to come back! But he's clearly LB's favorite blorbo and she refuses to let him stay dead lmao. So like, if he must come back, then I do think that is the funniest possible premise for it, where he's lost all status and power and is completely out of his depth. It is interesting to see him in such different context! I just wish it made sense or contributed to a better story. Personally, I liked his silly little glass prison arc and wish it had lasted longer. They needed to fully just Hannibal Lecter him and keep him as their pet war criminal to advise on random plot or the Saints or whatever. I did think it was clever though the way he got maneuvered into a grudging near redemption, where he's completely and entirely unrepentant,* but tricked into saving the day from sheer ego. He's the self appointed main character of the world, so of course he has to be the one to go to tree hell. In general, I feel like the characterization in KoS suffered? Where most of the characters got flattened, but I think he was the most intact. His actions were messier, but I got the impression that that's more him being unused to not having the power that he used to have, and flailing a bit. My main gripe is that I do think he would probably be petty enough to demand Alina see him off to tree hell. But LB super, super didn't want her involved in any meaningful way, which, I can understand! But in-universe it didn't really feel consistent. *Or so he claims! I did think it was really fun the way he was grappling with pretending to being an emotionless husk of a person as per usual and also just not quite fitting into that anymore. I don't think he was sorry, but it's like that one tumblr post that goes "not evil anymore i want to be loved now -> evil again" rinse and repeat dfghj

[lnkedmyheart]

The cool thing about skk to me is that despite me joking most of the time when I say there is no way to read them as "just enemies" or "just friends" its actually true. Out of all the relationships in bsd, all of them can be clearly labelled as something and you get a pretty good picture of what their dynamic would be. Like with sskk you can say enemies to best friends and it would be right because they did start out as legit enemies who are growing to trust and care for each other and it's a lot more clearly defined where they stand with each other in universe even if Atsushi doesn't quite understand it. Aku cares about him whatever way you want to see it in he has grown to care about him. You can define what Fukumori and fukfuku are, you can even define what rimlaine were even if that is by virtue of us already knowing that they were based on a real couple. And even with Dazai you can clearly define his relationship with Kunikida (work partners and friends), Oda (dearest friend), Ango (close friend that he has some animosity towards but really still cares for him).

But you can't quite place skk in a neat little box because they don't make it clear. Their words constantly contradict their actions when it comes to each other. They have each other in their dislikes but they are both weirdly obsessive about each other. They understand each other to a ridiculous extent, they trust each other way too much, they have more faith in the other's humanity than in their own. They act like vitriolic best friends but claim to despise each other. And I have honestly not seen Dazai be this physically affectionate with anyone. Even their descriptor for each other is simply "partner" which is such an ambiguous term cause it can mean anything from work partners, partner in crime, romantic partner (based on rimlaine's whole partner situation considering their whole...thing) and so on. And it doesn't help that aside from Chuuya once, nobody actually acknowledges that their partnership ever ended, including Fyodor. Even Dazai refuses to use the word ex.

I used to wonder how Chuuya's friendships and relationship would play out in contrast but with 15 and sb it's clear that Chuuya does struggle to fully warm up to people and tends to be more reserved with his affection, so his dynamic with Dazai post sc makes a lot of sense.

The only other dynamic in canon with this much ambiguity is Fyolai but there at least you have some attempt at explaining Nikolai's side of things. For how in your face skk's closeness is we don't actually know what their deal actually is outside of some kind of intense friendship .

Is this just my long and convoluted way of saying I really wanna know what happened between stormbringer and dragon head as well as before dark era? Yes. This isn't particularly in any sense supposed to push some romantic dynamic on them, all I'm saying is their dynamic is such an enigma.

[stargazer-sims]

The Art of Redemption

(part 16)

previous // next // story index

—————

This morning, Nikolai is seeing Beth-Anne, Brett and Brett's guardian Jordy off to South Korea, to the World Junior Figure Skating Championship.

Despite his initial concerns that he wouldn't cope well with this situation, he's doing all right. Admittedly, he was a little anxious about Beth-Anne leaving, and he's still slightly envious of Brett's opportunity to compete at one of the most important international skating events of the season, but neither feeling has proved overwhelming enough to prevent him from staying calm and behaving like a normal adult.

A few days ago, Nikolai suggested it'd make sense if he brought Beth-Anne, Brett and Jordy to the airport instead of Jordy or Beth-Anne having to leave their vehicle in the airport parking lot for a week. Beth-Anne agreed it was a good idea, and apparently Jordy had seconded her opinion. Brett, on the other hand, hadn't seemed quite as impressed with the plan as his coach and tutor were, but Nikolai suspected that had more to do with Brett not wanting to show any weakness in front of Nikolai than with any lingering animosity between the two of them.

In fact, Brett had offered him such a sincere apology for his outburst at the rink a few weeks back, Nikolai is inclined to believe there had never really been any animosity at all. He'd had to remind himself that Brett is only fourteen, and even the simplest upsets can seem enormous and insurmountable at that age. They'd both been trying to process some big emotions, and the combination of Brett's anger and frustration and Nikolai's pain and anxiety had the inevitability of disaster written all over it.

Brett understood that too, in hindsight. He said he'd been so focused on himself and his own feelings, he hadn't even considered Nikolai's, and he said he genuinely felt bad for hurting him.

Nikolai could forgive that. After all, Brett is still learning and growing, and no one is perfect anyway. He'd praised Brett for recognizing what went wrong and for acknowledging it. That had earned him a tentative smile from the teenager, and a promise that he'd try to do better in the future.

"I"m sure you will," Nikolai had told him. "I'll do better too. We'll try to do like Beth-Anne says; respond, not react. Okay?"

"Okay," Brett had agreed, and the two of them shook hands.

The handshake had been unexpected from Nikolai's point of view, and he'd guessed it was something Brett had seen his parents do with their business associates. Still, it felt significant to Nikolai, like he and Brett were making a pact of mutual support and respect. They might never become close, but at least they'd agreed that they shouldn't be adversaries, and Nikolai is more than satisfied with that.

Today, he has a feeling their agreement is about to meet its first test.

They took Beth-Anne's truck to the airport, and Beth-Anne drove on the way there. It's the sort of truck that has a small backseat in the cab, so there was adequate room for all four of them, but Nikolai hadn't considered that he and Brett would be the ones sitting in the back. Jordy is easily 190 centimetres, if not taller, and they decided that he should sit up front with Beth-Anne so he could adjust the passenger seat and have some legroom.

Brett's acquiescence was clearly grudging, and he spent most of the ride alternating between staring out the window and shooting annoyed looks at Nikolai. Nikolai didn't take it personally. When he was Brett's age and travelling to a competition, he's sure he would've preferred to sit next to Grandpa or Allison on a long drive rather than beside some guy he only tolerated.

When they got to the airport, Nikolai helped Beth-Anne carry her stuff even though she insisted she could do it by herself. Brett and Jordy each had a backpack, and Brett had his skate carrier, but it seemed they were sharing a suitcase. The thing Jordy heaved out of the back of the truck was huge, but he didn't appear to have any difficulty with it. The last item was a red garment bag that Nikolai knew would have Brett's costumes in it. Jordy handed that to Brett and took charge of the gigantic suitcase himself, and then the four of them trooped into the airport together.

At such an early hour, there wasn't much of a lineup yet and check-in was relatively easy. Nikolai waited for them. He decided he'd go with them as far as he was permitted, which was all the way to security. That's where they are now.

Standing in the large, open space near the doors to the security area, Brett looks terrified. There's no trace of his typical bravado. He seems far younger than his fourteen years, and he's clinging to Jordy like his life depends on not letting go.

The image of Brett as a frightened child is made even more pronounced by Jordy's physical size. The top of Brett's head only comes up to his broad chest, and his arms are nearly twice as big around as Brett's.

Regardless of Jordy's imposing stature, however, Nikolai is certain there isn't a mean bone in the man's body. He gives the impression of being a natural-born caregiver, and Nikolai can't help admiring his patience with Brett's behaviour.

But, just because Jordy doesn't seem frustrated or irritated, this doesn't necessarily mean he's tolerant of Brett's nonsense. When Nikolai starts to talk to Brett, to wish him luck, the teenager turns away from him and hides his face against Jordy's chest. Jordy's immediate response is to admonish him.

The big man leans in to speak quietly to the boy, the beads at the ends of his braids clicking together gently as he bends his head forward. "Brett, that's not how we behave. Your friend is speaking to you."

"Don't wanna talk to him," Brett mumbles into the fabric of Jordy's coat.

"Don't be rude, please," Jordy says. "There are lots of things we don't want to do in life, but we need to do them because it's the right thing to do."

"I just wanna go," Brett says. "Hanging around here is stressing me out."

"We'll go through security in a minute, Brett," Beth-Anne interjects. "Just let Nikolai say what he wanted to tell you."

"All I wanted was to say good luck," Nikolai says. "You're going to do great, Brett. It's always stressful beforehand, but you've been looking awesome in practice and you know what you're doing, so just have fun with it and the rest will fall right into place."

Brett finally looks up at that. "You actually think I'm worried about the competition?"

Caught off-guard, Nikolai stammers, “You're... not?"

"It's not the competition. It's the flying," Jordy explains. "He doesn't like it, and we can't give him anything to help with the airsickness because... y'know. Drug tests."

"Sorry." Nikolai says. "Yeah, I do know, actually."

"Oh, that's right," Brett ventures, finally letting go of Jordy and standing up straight. "Beth-Anne said you don't like flying either."

"That'd be an understatement." Nikolai says. "I'd call it a win if I made it through an entire flight without throwing up."

Brett wrinkles his nose. "Eww... At least I've never done that."

"Consider yourself lucky. Throwing up and crying on an airplane full of strangers is definitely not a good look, and nobody wants to be next to the guy puking on the plane."

"Gross," Brett says, but then he flashes a quick, cheeky grin. "So, I guess that means I handle flying better than you do."

Nikolai returns the grin. "Gold medal to you for that. And I meant what I said. Have fun, and I hope you kick ass over there. It's your last season at Junior level, so make it one nobody forgets."

“Don’t worry. I will. When I debut in Senior division next season, everybody’s already gonna know my name,” Brett declares. “Too bad you’re not gonna be competing. It’d be fun to challenge you.”

“It’s lucky for you I’m not competing. I’d polish the ice so thoroughly with your scrawny butt, everybody'd call you Zamboni afterwards.”

“You would not.”

“You don’t think? When my leg gets better, maybe we should find out.”

Brett turns to fully face him. He meets his gaze and holds it, and Nikolai sees the unmistakable gleam in his eyes of a true competitor who can't resist any challenge, no matter how big or small. “Is that an invitation to a competition? ‘Cause if it is, you’re on."

"Absolutely," Nikolai says. "Beth-Anne can be the judge."

"There’ll be plenty of people around the rink who can be judges for us, but I think we probably won’t need much help figuring out the winner.”

"You're right." Nikolai can feel his smile spreading across his face. “No question, it'll be me."

"We'll see," Brett says.

This is the point at which Beth-Anne intervenes.

"Okay, boys. That's enough." She gives each of them a stern look. "Nikolai, you should know better, and Brett..." She trails off, shaking her head. "No, you know what? Never mind. We'll discuss this when we get back."

Undeterred, Brett says, "Yeah, we can discuss how I'm gonna make him look like yesterday's news."

"Brett, weren't you in a hurry to get through security?" Beth-Anne asks. She waves in the direction of the wide glass doors. "Why don't you and Jordy go ahead? I want to talk to Nikolai for a minute, and then I'll catch up with you, all right?"

Brett looks like he might protest, but seems to think better of it when Jordy lifts their carry-on bags from the floor and passes Brett's to him. "Come along, Brett. It'll be hard to win anything in Seoul if you're not on the plane when it leaves."

They head off toward the security area, and Brett walks calmly beside Jordy for several steps, but then he puts his bags down and runs ahead. Once he's built up some momentum he does a neat little one and a half rotation jump that brings him back down to face in Nikolai and Beth-Anne's direction again.

He waves at Nikolai and calls out, "See you later... Zamboni!"

Nikolai loses it. He doesn't even bother attempting to stifle his laughter as he watches an exasperated Jordy gather up Brett's skate carrier and backpack and hurry after him. Brett is jogging backwards, probably so he can see Nikolai's reaction. Nikolai sticks his tongue out at him.

"Cheeky little shit," Beth-Anne says, but she's laughing too.

"I can tell you love him," Nikolai says.

"What can I say?" she responds. "Apparently, I have a thing for troublemakers."

Nikolai feigns innocence. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Like hell you don't," she scoffs. "You're the biggest goddamned troublemaker of all, Nikolai Pavlenko." But, a second later her arms are around him and she's hugging him tight. "Thank you."

He laughs as he reciprocates the embrace. "Way to send mixed messages, coach."

"Brett's probably going to be thinking about that ridiculous challenge all day," she says. "You know how reckless that was, challenging him like that? But, I'd much rather have him obsessing about how he's going to come up with a way to beat you than for him to dwell on how much he hates flying."

"So... what I'm hearing is that you think I can win the challenge?"

With her arms still around him, she swats him lightly on the back. "Fuck off! That's not what I said at all. And who says I'm even going to let either of you do it?"

"You mean... you can stop us?"

"Oh my God. I'm about to fucking disown you," she says, but no sooner than these words are out of her mouth, she's squeezing him once again. "For what it's worth though, I do think you'd win the challenge. I also think it's a fucking stupid idea, but it if motivates Brett and gives you something to look forward to, then I guess I'll agree to it."

"And you'll help me get ready for it?"

"How about I train the two of you together?" she says. "You can see up close how I work with someone at Brett's skill level, and I think he'll learn a lot from watching you. But," she adds, her tone suddenly no-nonsense. "All this is conditional, do you understand? If the doctor and the sports therapist fully clear you, we'll do it, but if they say no spins and no jumping..."

"I hope they don't say that."

"Do everything they tell you and keep your fingers crossed, and maybe they won't."

"You know what I want? I want to be able to do everything on the ice that I could do before. I wouldn't be able to keep up with a competitive training schedule, obviously, but... I want to jump again."

"I know you do," she says quietly.

"And I really want to do this challenge with Brett if I can, even if it is kind of stupid."

"I know that too." She's trembling a little, and he wonders what she's thinking. They stand together silently until she composes herself and lowers her arms at last. She takes a step back. "Okay, I'd better go. I'll give you a call when we get there."

"Okay," he says.

"You take care of yourself while I'm gone. Do your physio exercises, and don't forget about your appointment at the sports medicine clinic. Hang up your wet towels, and eat real meals, not just peanut butter toast all the time, and—"

'Beth-Anne, I'll be fine," he says. "If I need anything, I know who to call, and I promise I'll do all my exercises and go to my doctor's appointment and eat lots of protein. It'll be okay."

"Sorry. It's just... I'm not a hundred percent okay with leaving you. Plus, it's strange, being at the airport with you but leaving you behind."

"Yeah, but you don't really want to get on a plane with me and my delicate equilibrium."

"Delicate equilibrium," she echoes. "Well, that's one way of describing it. And maybe I don't love sitting next to you on a long flight, but it's being at the destination with you that I'm going to miss."

"Me too," he says. "But, you know what? Brett's not that much older than Eden, so maybe if everything goes the way we think it should, there'll be a day in the future when we'll be travelling to the same destinations again. You never know, right?"

"If I didn't already say so, it's good to see this side of you," she says. "I was beginning to wonder where my sunshine went."

"Just stuck behind a cloud for a while, that's all."

"Fucking clouds, always messing things up."

They always disappear eventually, though." He picks up her backpack and skate bag and hands them to her. "Here, you'd better take these. Not that I'm in a hurry to part ways, but you might miss your flight if we keep trying to have a long goodbye like this."

"Right," she says as she takes her things from him. "Christ, I'm fucking awful at goodbyes. I better haul ass before this gets any worse."

"I'll see you in a week. Good luck, and don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"That leaves it wide open, doesn’t it?”

"Go on," he says. "Brett and Jordy are waiting for you. You got this. Tell Brett I'll be watching on TV and cheering him on."

She offers him a grateful smile. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he says, as he watches her rush off.

The drive back to town feels long and lonely. Even with his favourite classic rock music blasting from the radio and a beautiful early morning sky overhead, he can't help feeling a little sad. He hadn't wanted to say anything to Beth-Anne since it was clear she was already worried, but being left behind feels strange to him too. Naturally, Beth-Anne has travelled without him before, with her other students and for her own personal reasons, but this was the first time they'd been at the airport together without both having a ticket for the same flight. He'd gotten through the actual experience at the airport, but now that he's on his own, he's not at all confident about it.

I'm just going to have to keep myself busy while she's gone, he tells himself. That's what Beth-Anne would tell me to do. Keep busy, so I don't dwell on stuff.

With Beth-Anne away, her group classes will be cancelled for the week, as well as the individual lessons for Eden and the two Novice level girls, Ruby and Katie. It's highly likely that Mariah will come to the rink to skate on her own, and perhaps thirteen-year-old Ruby might do the same, but Nikolai isn't allowed to work with either of them without Beth-Anne's supervision. He can watch, but that's about it, and now that he's started helping with the group classes and with Eden's and Katie's individual lessons, he's not sure he'll be content to simply watch any more.

So, if I'm not going to the rink, what am I supposed to do?

He makes a mental list of the possibilities. He'll visit his parents, of course, and he'll probably have dinner with his sister and brother-in-law at least once. There's his doctor's appointment, his daily walks on the treadmill, his and Ginger's planned bowling and pizza night, and he's positive that Grandpa wouldn't mind if he came over to hang out.

At first, this seems more than sufficient to occupy him, but he quickly realizes it's not going to fill an entire week. He pictures himself doing a lot of reading and playing a lot of video games to pass the time.

Then, he thinks about Anya. He's seen her at the arena a handful of times over the past few weeks, but they haven't spoken, and they only text each other sporadically now. This week might be a good time to meet with her and discuss their relationship. Maybe later in the week, because has to talk himself up and somehow convince himself he's brave enough to do it, and that might take a bit of time.

Ginger might be able to give me a pep talk.

He pictures Ginger's reaction if he asked her to do that, and he wants to laugh. She'd probably tell him to march in there like there's no way he could lose. "Approach it like a competition," she'd say.

Oddly, this sounds like good advice even if it's only in his imagination and not technically from his friend. Maybe he can do it, even if he's scared. He's been scared before competitions too, but he's come out on top more than he hasn't, so there must be some merit in that idea.

By the time he gets home, he feels better.

He thought it'd be weird to stay at Beth-Anne's house without her, but the moment he walks in the door it occurs to him that he thinks of it as home just as much as he does his own place. Inside, the air is warm and smells faintly of the French toast he'd made for breakfast. Their empty breakfast dishes are still on the table, and Beth-Anne's blue oversized cardigan is slung haphazardly over the back of a chair. Elvis the cat is asleep in his favourite spot atop the fridge.

Nikolai shrugs out of his coat and tugs off his sneakers. The kitchen is going to need some attention, but it can wait for an hour or two. First, he wants to write in his journal and then take a nap.

He wouldn't normally nap in the morning, but his knee hurts and he thinks the best cure would be an ibuprofen and some rest. He can sort out the mess in the kitchen after that, and then try to find something to do for the rest of the day.

In his room, he changes out of his jeans and sweater and into a comfortable pair of sweatpants and his favourite t-shirt. As he's folding his sweater and putting it back into one of his suitcases, something at the back of the closet catches his eye. It's the cardboard box he'd noticed when he first came to stay; the one with his costumes from the Four Continents in it. He'd meant to go through it and see what else was inside, but he'd been so caught up in going to the rink with Beth-Anne, learning to cook and do his own laundry, doing physio, and working on his new blog that it hadn't crossed his mind.

Well, no time like the present, I guess.

He really is curious, now that he thinks about it. Slipping quickly into the room's adjoining bathroom, he downs two ibuprofen tablets with lukewarm water, and then returns to haul the box out of the closet. He places it on the bed and climbs up after it.

With a pillow tucked under his sore knee and another behind his back, and the cardboard box beside him, he takes a deep breath before grasping the flaps of the box and pulling them open.

[ruvviks]

HIIIIIIII BONES what faction(s) does tiberius join? and which companions is he closest with? :]

HIII EZRA THANK YOU SO MUCH :] this got insanely long because i have. so much to say about this game it's unreal i'm very sorry in advance. but hope you enjoy ^_^

so in my canon of fallout 4, there's a couple of things different from the game because i personally don't think of tiberius as a leader in any sort of way, mainly because he's like. 23 years old. that's a literal baby. he was only born yesterday fresh out of the freezer

so!! that means that the minutemen are already very much established in the commonwealth again when he emerges from the vault, and there's a lot of sprawling settlements to be found in places where you'd otherwise have to build them yourself in game; so sanctuary isn't abandoned at all, and tiberius returns to his sister's home with a special surprise waiting for him (every other house in the neighborhood is now home to a bunch of strangers centuries into the future! welcome home boy!)

that said, tiberius DOES end up sort of joining the minutemen?? but not officially. he meets preston in sanctuary who helps him get settled in in this new and strange world and in return to show his gratitude tiberius helps out wherever and whenever he can, but considering the path of revenge he's about to go on he doesn't really consider himself good enough of a person to like. fully be part of it if that makes sense?? especially since the minutemen aim for as much peaceful resolution of things as possible, and he is not like that :(

tiberius massively dislikes diamond city, and feels a lot more at home in goodneighbor. he does some mercenary work there for a while and that's also how he ends up with the railroad, which he Does officially join :] a bunch of my other fallout ocs are also railroad agents; max, who's also general of the minutemen (don't ask how she finds the time to juggle all these different jobs she doesn't know it herself either); magnus, who's a goodneighbor guard; and nikolai, an ex-raider who now does a bunch of stealth operations for the railroad. tiberius takes his job as agent very seriously and through his new connections becomes more involved with the minutemen as well, now that he knows the two work together to give escaped synths a new and safe home and such :]

he does NOT join the brotherhood of steel. he hates them so fucking much it's unreal. to him they're literally just invading the commonwealth with the way they're terrorizing settlements and forcibly establishing their own outposts and whatnot and it causes a lot of chaos everywhere which is NOT ideal at all. max is handling most of the situation but she's clearly under a lot of pressure and it makes tiberius want to blow some shit up. which he eventually does when everything has escalated so far that there's not really another way to deal with it anymore

he only joins the institute to infiltrate them for the railroad, and he is NOT having a good time during it. he dislikes shaun (his nephew, not his son!) so fucking much but there's nothing he can do about it. i'm trying to make the institute a bit more interesting but it's still a work in progress because well the game leaves a lot to be desired on that front to me personally but either way, the whole place makes him super paranoid and he quickly realizes that it's a LOT bigger than what it's making itself out to be. the area he's allowed to be in seems just a little bit too well-organized and streamlined as if it's all pre-programmed and he constantly feels like he's being watched. which he is! because he ends up finding proof of a lot more levels that go much deeper into the ground and while a lot of them seem to be abandoned, he does end up finding evidence that there's more people holed up Somewhere. and they're watching everything that's happening in the area of the institute he's allowed to be in. it's all part of something bigger and he does NOT like that shit

lastly, tiberius ends up with the children of atom :] kind of against his will?? but also he's not really being forced to stay so it's kind of a gray area really. basically what happened is that he went to the glowing sea, ended up passing out because he went by himself like the stubborn mf he is and the children of atom take them to their crater to nurse him back to health but also give him like. some sort of special radiation cocktail of some sort which ends up making him a bit of a freak. much more resilient, much more absent as well, a bit faster than he used to be. he's basically their chosen one because i feel like out of all factions it'd make most sense for the children of atom to be weirdly obsessed with him like he's a perfectly preserved human from before the war. that IS kinda fascinating

either way tiberius doesn't really mind being part of them all that much because it puts him in like a negotiator position if that makes sense?? the other factions all have their other touching points where he isn't all that needed to create connections and stuff but having this extra connection with the children of atom who are mostly feared by the rest of the commonwealth helps a LOT with keeping peace and all that, so it's beneficial for all parties involved because it also means that tiberius can just freely enter any of their outposts and he can rely on them if he needs them for anything :] the children of atom are a lot more willing to assist him with something that may be a bit shady than the minutemen or railroad would basically so it's a good backup to have LMAO

as for companions, tiberius is closest with preston 100% :] when he emerged from the vault, preston was the first person who talked to him and didn't treat him as a possible threat, and he helped him get settled in which tiberius will always be grateful for because he was so so scared. and preston made everything a little bit easier. he's very caring and patient and matches tiberius' funnyman energy surprisingly well when they're joking around, which would all remind tiberius a lot of his sister stella. preston Would in fact be like a brother to him :]

he enjoys hanging out with piper and nick, but only sparingly so since those two just love to investigate stuff and a lot of their time hanging out ends up turning into business of some sort and tiberius does NOT have the detective's spirit! he likes being clueless. he does not always need to know everything. he does like tagging along but sometimes he just wants to SIT and have a beer or something

which, naturally so, makes hancock better company for him. tiberius did a couple of gigs for him personally (and got to know him much more intimately during a wild night with both him and magnus but we don't talk about that) and he likes to stop by goodneighbor regularly for a drink and to talk about shit that's been going on lately. since magnus and hancock are together, magnus is there a lot as well but tiberius sees him a lot more regularly at the railroad too :]

that being said, the railroad is definitely tiberius' main hub for hanging out with people he loves the gang SO much. his best friends there would be nikolai, glory (she's alive yes obviously), deacon, and tinker tom :] and also max but tiberius sees her a LOT more at the castle since that's by the end of the in-game events also a place he can be found at a lot. he doesn't take a lot of minutemen jobs but he does help out on location with whatever they need, plus the castle is a huge and busy marketplace which would be super fun to visit (especially at night) so he just likes hanging out there in general! that's also where he hangs out with cait and roxy (max' wife) whenever he gets the opportunity

tiberius' relationship with x6-88 is. strained. on a surface level he likes the guy, but his loyalty to the institute definitely gets in the way of their friendship a lot at first. i haven't entirely figured out yet how to like, get x6-88 on tiberius' side in a satisfying way that doesn't feel out of character for him?? but that's basically what i'm aiming for, because the two DO spend a lot of time together away from the institute itself which would give tiberius a lot of opportunities to show x6 what the commonwealth is really like. and what the institute's reputation is and all that. and with x6 getting attached to tiberius during all of that he WILL be forced to pick a side at the end of it all. and i personally don't think he would side against tiberius after spending all that time building up an actual friendship for the first time in his life

surprisingly enough, tiberius and maccready did NOT!!! get along well at first AT ALL. when tiberius was taking gigs in goodneighbor he was unbeknownst to him stealing away a lot of mac's clientele so naturally mac has very one-sided beef with him. especially because both of them are like. babies. i can't remember maccready's exact age but that's a baby. and tiberius is one too. and they're both competitive and kinda stupid so when they first "officially" meet there's this insane tension between the two of them and every conversation they have is just a pissing contest. they've been kicked out of goodneighbor together on at least one occasion because of their near screaming competitions

(at some point after the battle of bunker hill and tiberius has temporarily broken ties with the institute because shaun's attitude pissed him the fuck off he goes to goodneighbor with his friends and after a drink or two too many he agrees to a bet maccready makes with him about killing elder maxson. tiberius succeeds by knocking out a brotherhood pilot and pretending to be the pilot instead, sort of successfully flying a vertibird up to the prydwen, somehow knocking out a guy in full power armor to then steal said guy's power armor, killing elder maxson (who by then has committed enough war crimes including but not limited to laughing max in the face when she tried to talk to him about a possible collaboration in hopes to keep the peace in the commonwealth) with a pipe pistol, and then jumping down(!!!!!!!!!) in the power armor to make his escape by walking over the bottom of the ocean on the shoreline in the power armor. he brought the guy's coat and dogtags with him as proof. maccready was turned on and angry about it)

but after traveling together for a while, tiberius and maccready learn they have a lot more in common than they initially thought and they grow closer over time :] i adjusted mac's story as well by making lucy his older sister rather than his wife (HE'S A BABY. HE DOESN'T NEED A WIFE AND A CHILD IN THIS ECONOMY) and duncan his nephew, so it's still a direct parallel to tiberius' story except lucy is still alive but missing, whereas stella is in fact very much dead. at first it makes tiberius feel frustrated and upset in a very selfish way, but it helps him with like, allowing himself to grieve for the first time since he exited the vault which by then is a LONG time ago, and then it also helps him with moving on from it rather than staying stuck in the past. helping mac with curing duncan and finding lucy helps the both of them and after all that they end up getting together :]

SO YEAH. very bumpy road for tiberius all in all and he makes connections in a bunch of different places, but he's always just a gear in the machine rather than the one operating the machine if that makes sense :] he feels a lot more at ease when he can actually make a difference at his own pace rather than having everyone look up to him constantly, the closest he got to that was when he was the one to infiltrate the institute and he has NEVER been that stressed before in his life. he makes it out alive and relatively unharmed but good lord. he's never doing that shit ever again

[plsdonttakemyname]

— — — — — — — — —

Characters; Nikolai Gogol

Genre; angst, hurt/comfort, scenario

Warnings; reader has family and friends problems, mental breakdowns, Bad writing. So please don't read it if you're uncomfortable with these. This might not make sense since this is my second time writing an angst , hurt comf and scenarios but I hope you enjoy it <3..

— — — — — — — — —

Knocking at the door of Nikolai's office with a tired look on your face as you walked in. You were greeted by Nikolai, your beloved boyfriend.

"Oh, hello dove. I was expecting to see you there. Would you mind to share a conversation?"

"I just wanna cry." Nikolai's eyes widened abit before speaking again. "Cry away Dove.. It's okay. Let go of your tears and let me hold you close. You know how much I care for you. I'll never leave you alone again." He said and kissed your forehead " Now come here, sit on my lap. I want to kiss you right now" he said with a smile on his face. "I love you so much Kolya, it's just things are getting more and more harder for me y'know.." You were really tired after studying for hours straight without any rest at all. "I know, baby. But don't worry. Everything will be alright. Just stay strong for me alright ?. We have each other, we can make it through anything together.I promise everything will work out just fine". He said as he holds your hand gently "I just I feel like I'm always not good enough, my friends and family doesn't even understand that I'm trying my best to make them happy.." you said as tears started to build up in your eyes.

"I'm trying my best Kolya. I really am. but none of them believed me. I got called a whore, spoiled and ungrateful. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I wanna cry my heart out." You choked out a sob as soon as you finished the sentence "Oh, Dove... That sounds horrible. What happened?.. Tell me everything, please. Don't keep any secrets from me. I'm here for you. Always. And if anyone tries to hurt you or insult you, they won't get away with it. Not ever. Okay? Do you trust me Love?" He says as worries started to build up in his eyes and pulled you into a hug "yes I do trust you.. I'm studying really hard for college. my parents always told me to get off my phone and yelled at me when I'm clearly texting my project teacher about my work.This morning I got into an argument with my parents. They just slapped me because I talked back and I was trying to defend myself." You started crying while Nikolai is hugging you tightly on his lap.

"Oh Dear... You poor thing..That must've been awful. I wish I could protect you from these people who would do such terrible things to you. My love, you deserve better than this. If only..." He looks at the floor with sadness in his eyes "...if only I had done something sooner.." "All of my friends are just using me and talking behind my back I really don't know what to do anymore Kolya.I really don't. It just hurts." Your voice started to crack "I'm sorry Dove.. I should've known better than to think that those thing were worth trusting. They're nothing but troublemakers. They'd use you until you broke down completely. Then they'd laugh at you when you cried. They're disgusting creatures." He said while rubbing circles behind your back trying to calm you down "I wanna cry my feelings out but I'm really scared.." He hugged you tightly "It's okay, my love. Let it all out. Cry as loud as you need to. I'll hold onto you forever. No one else matters but us. Only us." He strokes your hair and gently tucking your hair behind your ear that was covering your face as he continued.

"You're safe with me.Never forget that. M'kay?" Your nodded and your sob slowly turning into small sniffles "Kolya?" You said his name after calming down abit. "Yes? What is it, my love?" He smiled warmly at you "Is there anything else bothering you besides your bullies,being treated badly by others or feeling worthless?" He takes his hands in yours and looks into your eyes lovingly "Tell me everything Dove."

"Am I annoying to you?.." You asked him as he laughs softly "Of course not, my love. Why would you ask such an absurd question? Of course not. You are absolutely adorable. The most beautiful person I have ever met. There isn't another person alive who compares to you. In fact, no other person even comes close besides you , Dos-kun and Sigma. You smiled at his response "I'm sorry for breaking down like this when you're busy... I just can't do this anymore I've been too stressed out lately." He kissed your forehead gently "Don't be sorry, my love. Just remember how much happier we are together. Remember how happy we make each other. And never doubt yourself again. You are perfect." He says and holds you close against him "I promise you will find someone special soon enough." "But...You're special to me and I love you Kolya." You whispered In his ears with a smile on your face now as he blushed at your words "I love you too my Dove. Now come here and give me a hug. Hugging helps calm you down after stressful situations. It makes you feel loved and protected too.. So... He said as he pulls you closer to him "C'mere! Give me a big hug I've missed you so much my love "

— — — — — — — — —

A/n; Hii ! I hope you like this fic :) I'm so sorry if anyone is going through this too. I hope you're all doing okay now <33 Make sure to stay Hydrated and Eat in time, Just a reminder you're all perfect no matter who you are, You're all good enough. Some words can be extremely hurtful sometimes but it's the best to try and ignore them :D I'm always open to talk about it if you're going through a rough time/day :) I love you all mwah <3

— — — — — — — — —

[homestuckreplay]

It should be noted he was kind of a weird guy anyway.

(page 510-519)

8/20/2009 Wheel Spin: Sburb Lore Verdict: Literally The Sburb Lore Handbook :D

8/21/2009 Wheel Spin: Long Pesterlog Verdict: Dave WISHES John Would Pester Him Back

^ I have SO much love for this sequence on p.514-517, where John is unresponsive due to being controlled by the Wayward Vagabond, but the environment around him keeps changing due to Rose’s powers. It definitely enhances the reading experience to first do a full read of the pages, and then to just flick through and look at the images in sequence – it really highlights the visual gags and parallels like the one here.

We get out fourth GameFAQs entry on p.510, following our fourth ‘Years in the future…’ and it looks like a small page, but actually has fifteen images all accompanied with Rose’s commentary. She basically puts a bunch of images of John, along with his full name and his dead/resurrected grandmother, on the internet without their permission, which is questionable, but her insights definitely leave me with a lot to think about.

The house remaining powered by electricity and internet (images: ‘power,’ ‘internet’) makes complete sense to me. They’re inside the Medium, the medium of Sburb being ‘online multiplayer video game,’ and that medium requiring both electricity to power gaming devices, and internet to maintain a connection with the co-player, to operate. It’s not a kindness that the game gives to players, it’s literally necessary for the game to run, as we’ve already seen a few times with Rose.

That fact only makes Rose’s called shot about hackers (‘internet’) even more threatening. Disrupting the internet connection could disrupt the apparatus of the entire game, cutting Rose and John off from one another more permanently and potentially stopping Dave or the fourth player from joining the game. Sburb as a game is already dangerous enough, so navigating that and the outside threat of hackers at the same time could make for an intense, fast paced story and be a great direction for the comic.

And with these Wayward Vagabond/GameFAQs pages always kept together, it raises the question: is the Vagabond a hacker? A hacker in the popular definition is somebody who gains unauthorized access to computer systems – to gain information, to spread a virus, or perhaps to influence the outcome of a game. Found covered by sand in the middle of a dormant wasteland, this bunker, and its accompanying computer system, doesn’t look like somewhere the Vagabond is supposed to be. They’ve already put John in danger by taking away his mental faculties and making him susceptible to imp attacks. If they can sever John’s connection with Rose while still controlling him, he’ll be in a lot of danger. And while the Vagabond seems silly for now in their quest for a can opener and their trial-and-error commands on p.253, they’re clearly a quick learner, having picked up the standards of human etiquette reasonably well very quickly. It’s not out of the question that they could be learning to hack the game – and could perhaps be a villain of the story.

Rose’s other big called shot is that she can’t see John’s dad’s room because John has never been in there (‘hmm’). I buy this theory – the only other explanation I can think of is that the room needs to be ‘unlocked’ in game and won’t be accessible to either player until John reaches a high enough level, perhaps because it contains clues to Dad’s whereabouts. That’s the less sinister explanation. Rose’s idea is more sinister, because it again reinforces how Sburb isn’t just connected to/able to see John’s physical location, it’s able to see inside his mind and respond to that. I genuinely think that with a different tone and art style, this could easily be a horror story.

Rose quotes Nikolai Gogol’s Dead Souls (‘steeds’) to describe John’s pogo antics, which despite its goth title, is not a horror novel but is instead about a man trying to commit tax fraud. It’s a famous 19th century Russian novel that was left unfinished when Gogol burned a large part of his own manuscript, but remains famous and widely regarded as a work of satire. I’m fifty fifty on whether Rose googled ‘quotes about horses’ and picked the smartest sounding one to caption her screencap of her friend spraying shaving cream while bopping an imp on the head, or if a ten year old Rose used to curl up on that giant living room couch and read Russian literature while listening to the waterfall flowing below. Both options are very funny to me. I am almost buying into Rose’s mysterious persona. (And then she puts a crumpled hat on John’s head and I remember that she is also a big dork).

I have been mean to Rose at times but she is really carrying the team right now, and doing an incredible job multitasking killing imps with furniture, building onto John’s house, and updating her walkthrough for other players. I totally buy that she’s someone who just throws herself into what she’s doing to distract herself from the looming meteor threat. But I think she should do some research into building safety codes, because I’m not sure those ladders and platforms held up by chimneys are going to be stable long term, or safe for John to start climbing. I guess Rose was warned about stairs but nobody got around to warning her about ladders.

[average-dragon-enjoyer64]

honestly, props to Asagiri and the anime directors. I have pretty bad empathy deficiency bc of the ‘tism, and I find it hard to feel emotions for fictional characters. I’ve only ever felt sad about the dog dying in fiction.

This is the first time I have genuinely been prompted to be sad because of a story. Anything else I’ve felt towards other medias could be shut off easily and was often confused with already existing depressive episodes, but if chapter 110 didn’t hurt me enough, the season 5 episode 10 did.

It goes to show how much meticulousness and raw passion Asagiri and Harukawa put into the story, and the individual developments of each and every character, as well as interweaving their respective identities, both fictional and real, into beautifully crafted relationships between one another. It’s the kind of story that I feel safe to hyperfixate on: an abundance of content, and the little easily missable details that often actually mean something.

While I’m no fan of sadness (as no one is, I should believe), the emotions that I have felt for each character have puzzled even myself - someone who is honest with themselves about their feelings due to it being a matter of safety and necessity rather than preference. Spending hours thinking about not only my current conundrum with the story, but also the way that it makes me feel, are some of the most valuable and precious times in my mind. I have had the privilege of watching characters grow through their trauma and flourish, and they have unwittingly triggered my own personal growth through the smallest of questions, like: Why do I dislike Dazai if he is a fan favourite? Why is he a fan favourite? What led to Kouyou being so sure that darkness can never be cured? Specifically, in that one flashback scene? Why does everyone dismiss Dazai’s suicidal tendencies so easily? Why don’t I like Kunikida? Who is Sigma, really? Nikolai knows much more than he actually expresses; what is he hiding? Literally everything about Fyodor…

While I’ve often seen my own feelings as more of a restriction - a burden that holds myself and others back, this story (and therapy) has brought so much clarity to my struggles. Even hearing some characters say things that have struck a chord with me because I had the same thoughts many years ago, and sometimes I still do.

The sadness that this brought me was a delicate blend of a burning passion and the end of a piano piece - nostalgic, and yet wishing that, hoping that, believing that, it’s still there. A small flicker persistent through thick and thin as the walls around it were burnt and discarded. So small that it is clear that there are only two possibilities: to relight it and allow it to rage as a forest fire, or to quietly quell it, and think of it every now and then, wondering if it was the right decision. Whether the flame will be revived of drenched, one thing is certain; this is a turning point, and the decision must be made immediately. That sense of urgency coupled with wishing one didn’t have to choose brings such a soft and calm ache in the heart. Tired, exhausted even, but still there is the last spark that will surely be extinguished if not supported immediately. A spark of longing, hoping, and dawning understanding.

I can’t even figure out what other people are feeling, let alone a fictional character, especially one as cryptic as Dazai. Still, there is no doubt in my mind that this is definitely his worst case scenario, the last outcome, the result that existed only in his ignored and downtrodden nightmares.

The elaborateness of his emotions are so clearly and yet fully portrayed that I can’t help but admire it, especially because I have so much trouble expressing emotions myself. Whether or not Dazai survives will not hinder the effect that Bungou Stray Dogs has had on me, and I will continue to support it in the future. After all, while I do like Dazai as a character, there is still much more I wish to learn about in more detail. I want to know more about Kouyou, Gin, Verlaine, Tecchou, Teruko, Yosano, Jouno, and the others.

It is cruelly ironic to me, that a series about dead authors with superpowers could comfort me and help me more than anyone around me ever did when I was in my fundamental growing years. Very few characters in Bungou Stray Dogs have confirmed disabilities (aside from some form of trauma), and yet I have been able to grow and understand them, and see them in myself in a way that no one ever could ever do to me thus far in real life.

Also it stopped me from keeping attempting suicide because Dazai did it as well and I did not want to associate myself with him in any way, shape or form. Hey, whatever works.

[grishaverse-chaos]

Nina for the ask game

omg ty!! nina is one of my fav grishaverse characters ever (actually she's my fav crow!) so I loveeee talking about her

why I like them: her badassery. she doesn't take shit from anybody which I love, and she has a really strong sense of self-worth and independence

why I don't: she keeps falling for goddamn fjerdans. for legal reasons this is a joke, I love helnik and hannina more than life itself HOWEVER this girl clearly has a type and it's v funny to me

favourite episode/scene: ooooh I'm actually not sure but I do love her scenes with zoya in s2 because their dynamic is SO deep and SO intricate and I could talk about it for hours

favourite season/movie: so she's brilliant in both s&b seasons and both soc books, but I think she's actually best in the kos duology!

favourite line: I WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD ON A HAMMER BLOW holy fuck it's one of my fav quote of all time, I just love it so much. it perfectly encapsulates nina's personality and her determination

favourite outfit: her red dress from the shu han heist in s2! something about it being red but not heartrender red yk? like she's claiming her grisha powers but still refusing to align herself with the second army.... it's deep okay

otp: ugh I can never choose between helnik and hannina (in an ideal world they'd be polyam lmao)

brotp: okay so I love ninej however. nina and zoya are sooooo deep I could analyse them for Hours. I have a playlist for them in my notes app. also nina and nikolai would be the most chaotic friendship EVER which I love sm

headcanon: there's like zero chance she's cisgender. idk what she would be but there's some gender fuckery going on there I swear

unpopular opinion: I love hannina and idk if that's unpopular as such but I'm pretty sure it's less popular than helnik so let's go with that. also matthias's death adds so much to the narrative and there's no way it could have been as satisfying if he'd survived

a wish: she's going to be such an incredible queen omg, I want her to change the world (and specifically fjerda) forever and leave her mark

an oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen: imagine if hanne (I hc his chosen name as demyen!) dies as well.... leaving nina all alone and widowed..... yeah. that would suck.

5 words to describe them: determined, chaotic, badass, independent, vicious (when she wants to be)

my nickname for them: again tbh I don't really have one 😭😭

give me a character and I will answer...