#never celebrating anything ever again
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Celebrated George Russell winning the Belgian Gp just for him to be disqualified hours later for being overweight and for him to get absolutely dogpiled on for having the audacity to try a different strategy
Celebrated Jannik Sinner winning Cinci only for a doping incident to be revealed the next day and for him to be dogpiled on more than multiple domestic abusers
#great month to be Rae#guess I won’t be changing my header again if Carlos or Jan win New York#never celebrating anything ever again#tennis#f1#jannik sinner#george russell
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but fr outside of my contracted madness i absolutely refuse to give joe alwyn gold rush like how is that song at all related to their relationship the lyrics clearly spell out a relationship that either never existed or only existed in implication and fantasies and maybe-maybe nots and its so bitter and yet desperately soft in the bridge where it almost projects a sense of envy, of wanting to be them as much as you want them. It continues an interesting oft ignored lyrical trend of taylor wanting just as much to be her lover as to have them, envying their easy charisma (you were flush with the currency of cool/i was always turning out my pockets) or quiet dignity (your integrity makes me seem small) dating back to her earliest songs (the kind of flawless i wish i could be). Theres a projected self hatred and yearning to be better that twists itself into both romantic and sexual lust for her partners thats so fascinating and speaks to how all of her songs regardless of who theyre about are also an act of self reflection on who she is and who she wishes to be.
#barry.txt#taylor swift#putting this in the tags as a form of self protection but make no mistake this is a gay thing to do especially in gold rush#which through simple context clues is Obviously About A Woman or maybe even women in general#whivh is a totally seperate post on how taylor constructs and uses gender identity in her music#her girlhood and femininity are earnest but also so carefully constructed and so high effort and kind of desperate#shes a deeply self concious and obsessive person who never looks comfortable in anything ever unless shes#onstage or like. by herself in loose jeans and a tshirt#i think thats one of the things that subconsciously irritate ppl when it comes to her shes constantly and clearly putting in effort#to appear As The Celebrity Taylor Swift and struggles not to self censor or overperform in interviews (when she gives them)#especially present in pre 1989 interviews where the interviewers really didnt have to respect her or worry abt how they frame her#if they didnt want to. Like the fearless era rolling stone interview where she almost has a meltdown over her mom buying eggnog instead of#milk. That whole interview is strange looking back not just bc of the weird misogyny but also because of what it does share#taylor is....weird. She has a strange and desperate vibe and always reacts slightly too much and uses slang poorly#shes media trained and has learned how to socialize but you can feel her discomfort whenever she doesnt have a guitar in her hand#idk these tags have once again gotten so unweildy. i just find it interesting that she finally feels some level of comfortable#in sharing that construction w us in songs like mirrorball and mastermind and imo gold rush#and scene#should i write this up and put it in the swiftieism zine#i should write something and put it in the swiftieism zine
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unfortunately being a figure skating fan means reading about shohei ohtani’s marriage announcement and feeling a chill run down my spine
#i can’t do this again#japanese tabloids let superstar athletes be married in peace challenge#all i want is to now never hear anything about him being married ever again#until a decade from now we get a nice little#‘shohei ohtani spent the off-season in xyz celebrating his 10th wedding anniversary with his beloved wife’ announcement#accompanied by precisely zero photos or further details
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That "is your fave author a Jew...sorry a 'Zionist'" list is hilarious, because 1) step a toe into the wide world of reading books by authors who have no use for you! Now you know what it's like to be a Jew! 2) Salman Rushdie?! Amazing.
#fine give up Animorphs#more for me#I also never never never want to hear what any celebrity has to say about anything ever again#why don't these people just go to LitHub#that site is about five seconds from posting the Horst Wessel song
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i'm so glad i didn't inherit the alcohol enjoying gene
#i stopped drinking for the most part a few years ago#i just realized i didn't like who i was when i was drunk and i didn't like the after effects either#and it was incredibly easy for me to stop#i will have a beer once in a while or a glass of wine at a celebration#but i don't have more than one. i just. don't want to lol#i don't enjoy it!#i also think alcohol is lowkey evil#i just found out my uncle basically has alcohol induced dementia#apparently he's. basically gone.#and i just fucking hate it i fucking hate that alcohol has that much power over people#but i know it's something my siblings have inherited and i do worry about it!#i think they'll be fine.....#my sister has already kind of hopped on the alcohol free train with me#but it's more of a struggle with her#and idk anyways i'm just. i hate alcohol lol#i feel indescribably lucky that i didn't inherit any of that because i fear if i enjoyed alcohol it would be easy for me#to follow in my father's footsteps very closely#fr though like my last blackout was just so fucking bad#i'm honestly still wondering if i was drugged#or if it was just because i had so many other health issues at the time......#but i honestly never ever want to experience anything like that ever again
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Also I have to confess when Eichi does the the "I've heard usually people do this and this" or anything in that vein as a statement it's so real to me
#speaking as someone who learned most of their way of existing from tv and movies ans audio books and audio dramas.#I wasn't confined to a hospital bed I was just very enamored with movies and TV shows and audio dramas#and never really interested in interacting with other kids#and I'm an only child#and my social life began around this winter when people started celebrating their birthdays and inviting me and hanging out and inviting me#before that I never did anything with my friend acquaintances#We're too close to be acquaintances but i don't like labeling people as friends it puts an obligation on the relationship#there's one of them i genuinely consider a friend but we mostly talk about our interests and that's where it stops#she's the only one I talk with outside of the shared WhatsApp chat and ever since her number one friend found another number one friend#We've started talking more because what else am I supposed to do#it's nice. I'm a tea drinker now.#somewhat#in movies they always have bigger friend groups but i cant manage that many relationships at once#so it's better if I reserve the term friend for people who I actually talk to outside of certain contexts#but yeah it's so interesting when life imitates art#teenagers are supposed to get drunk right recently I accidentally got drunk enough to deliver the finishing blow to an already weak glass#never doing that again imagine the things I could've revealed about myself#but it's a fascinating experience because now I can look at that in fiction and understand!!#and I've been told I'm a bit cartoonish in the way I carry myself#which is a little funny to me because I as a person am pretty apathetic to a Lot of things#few things that make me happy a lot of things that annoy me and the rest is jusg kind of in the soup#but it's fine rhats just what being normal is like i guess#i should sleep it's lateeeeee and I need to get up early tomorrow.#regrettably#enjoy the tags while you still can because those things will be going down with this post in a few hours when I'm awake again and#less uncomfortable with sharing any kind of personal information
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guys how do i come out to my two christian roommates as an atheist please help
#they’ve invited me to so many of their church events#and talk to me about their church get togethers and Sunday service and what not#and i’m just here like… i have literally stepped in a church for religious reasons one time in my entire life#and it was for a baptism when i was like 8#otherwise i have never EVER done anything church related and i have zero interest in it#i’ve just been gently declining their invites but i feel like i actually need to tell them i’m an atheist 😭#the worst part is idek how they’d take it ajxisjxj like ALL of their friends and family are christian too it’s wild#whereas me? all of my friends and family are atheists like we have just lived two very different lives#i know this should not be a big deal at all but again they keep speaking to me as if i am also christian but like… no i am not friends#my one roommates was so sad that i don’t have family in the city to celebrate easter with and invited me to her church lunch and i was like#oh it’s okay… ahaha… don’t worry!!#i appreciate her being so kind and inviting me i really do but it’s just like this is not me!! my family hardly does easter so this is#just a weekend for me!! it’s okay!! i’m totally fine not doing stuff!!#talk time
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Thinking about Berserk again. I havent read any of the new chapters because Miura's death kind of got to me really bad so thinking about or talking about berserk at all just made me really depressed and I think I probably havent even looked at it since he passed (after I used to reread huge chunks of it like every week) but now its been like two years and Im thinking I should just accept it and give the new stuff a shot.
One thing I am always thinking about though is how Miura's death effected discussion around Berserk and how much it will continue to effect discussion. Like, I always felt Berserk never got enough criticism. You can search Berserk on here and find all my old posts complaining about how everybody was jumping the gun on calling it One Of The Greatest Manga Ever when it wasnt even done and at the time most people were convinced it hadnt been good since like what, conviction arc? And that was back before Kentaro Miura died and his death has only made the discussion even more like "Berserk is a beautiful wonderful masterpiece and anyone with problems doesnt GET IT".
So like I stopped reading under the idea that no matter what happened it wasnt gonna be what REALLY shouldve happened, now I think thats kind of unfair and maybe I should give it a shot, but I think that idea is gonna be influencing how people talk about a manga that was already being given alot of undue praise and adoration from people who seemed to mostly never have actually read it and had nothing more interesting to say about it beyond it being the manga that popularized the idea of a guy with a big big sword. I dunno.
#Also when Miura died and everybodys first questions were like what was gonna happen to berserk. I dunno#I might be lying I might just never get back to it.#Berserk still very important to me but also the fact that it is continuing at all. I dunno I guess I dont know what Miura wouldve wanted#but it kind of seems nobody did and I have this feeling in my mind of like 'is the only reason they continued Berserk is because-#-its so profitable'. but I dont know enough about the current mangaka or like Anything to really say that without feeling like a jerk.#yeah somebody liked one of my really old berserk posts so I started thinking about how much I used to talk about Berserk but also#have just been thinking alot about it again in general. I dunno..............#also when I say got depressed I mean I got convinced art was stupid and pointless for a second it was fucking bad#Like this is kind of the one time ever a celebrity dying really got to me and it was because like he was gone and everybody was just#asking about when berserk was gonna continue and again the nicest thing most people said about berserk was it#popularizing a trope in anime. It made me feel hopeless#Fine now. been two years. Sad situation but I dont think thats gonna be all berserk gets remembered for now.#yeah this is long and rambly sorry. MY blog I can start posting about berserk really sadly out of nowhere.
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24 days!
#em#milo.txt#im thinking about em again. i mean when am i not they're always on my mind#god they make me so fucking happy#ive been having such a shitty past few weeks but talking to them has helped#it feels. incredibly magical to have a love as strong as ours#they called me a good boyfriend today and they just. get me yknow?#in ways no one has ever. in ways i didnt even expect! in ways that feel full of love#i love how we've become entangled in one another. it really feels like there's no true me without them and vice versa yknow?#like yeah yeah yeah im my own person. kickass grad student whos queer as fuck and hot and theyre their own person.#fucking amazing scientist beautifully radiant individual whos so kind and gentle and fuckn CUTE ((they sent me a selfie this morning#and i was like HEY GIVE A GUY A WARNING OKAY!!! I NEED MY BRAIN FOR SCHOOL! CANT BE TAKING MY BREATH AWAY LIKE THAT#AND RENDERING ME SPEECHLESS!! theyre sooooo cute. i see them and im like ohmygod youre so fucking... youre so pretty youre so cute youre so#hot youre literally every word that is escaping my mind right now and i have never seen something as breathtaking as them))#ANYWAY!!! it still feels like half of me is missing when they're not with me yknow? and its true#half of me IS missing... they are !! they're my other half they're my beloved they're my lavender they're my fucking bestie#it really sucks being this far from them and not having them in my life in person but soon! soon.#theyll be in the same city as me again and we'll go for drives and we'll go grocery shopping together#and get weird looks because we just. get so GOOFY together#godddd i love when we would try to forage for fucking food in [redacted] at like 10 pm but eVERYTHING CLOSES SO EARLY#like that time we went to taco bell and they only took cash so we had to pivot#god i just miss that shit!!!! i miss that with them !!! i miss laughing and being happy and having no worries and feeling. GOOD#i love that i can just look at them and they KNOW what i'm thinking like i dont even have to SAY anything and they KNOW#and how genuine they know me? god. they send me reeses and hi-chews in care packages and its the ONLY time i have them bc i dont usually#buy shit for myself like that PLUS it feels like an extra special treat when i get them from them.#also the way they have helped me love myself? like fuck.#if they're capable of loving me so deeply and truly. maybe i can too yknow?#ill do things that i wouldnt have done before knowing them (like admitting i DO know things and celebrating my 48% on an exam and eating#ice cream because its going to make me happy even though theres still remnants telling me to not)#like.... they really have changed my life for the better
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the most important thing abt noah coming out is that the people going 'hehe how does our fav strAIGHT frat boy play that fucking gayass so well??😱😱' had to stfu😁👍
#its annoying when people do it abt anyone tbh#that was so fucking irritating lmfaoooo#me omw to remind the masses of hets and chronically online 12yr old queers whove never met a gay person irl that we're not a monolith🤩#it doesnt escape my notice that yall say it more violently the second anyone so much as iMPLIES that they mighy not be straight#'speculating is bad' yes! but shockingly! yelling to the moon + back that them being not straight is impossible is not the best alternative#and perpetuates every dumbass stereotype#im so tired#also if you say hey maybe stop insisting theyre str8 for no reason every 5 seconds for a cheap joke abt the queer character they play#then everyone immediately is frothing at the mouth holding a chainsaw to ur throat#def not indirecting anyone w this😟#i dont even remember who it was but someone was always putting those stupid noah straightest man in the world jokes on my dash#n i just used to stare at them like holy shit u guys are gonna be shocked when u encounter gay ppl outside of the internet.#my tags ran away from me again#but i hope u guys Hear Me on this shit bc this happens w every celebrity ever#and then ppl turn around and pretend the problem was ppl thinking they might be queer#instead of ppl refusing to believe theyre anything other than straight#anyway.#am a little late to posting abt him i know😔 have been so ia here recently but i saw it when it happened and am vv proud of him#<33 just to get a little of track at the end here#but yeah hes lovely and i wish people who were insisting he was straight would understand him as an examole that gay ppl arent all the same#but they wont cos they immediately turn to going 'omgggg our fav slayqueen i always knew hehehehe he just looks so fruitsalad'#heed my warnings i am a conduit of rage and violence and one day im going to use it on those ppl#oh fuck this was so many tags i am an unrestrained tag menace#a tennis if you will#aha like the game#anyway#byler#(<- it isnt but this is where i was seeing 'Straight Frat Boy Noah could never be gay' posts so.)#(not most of you tho<333 just a few)#right im going back to reading this 700k word fic from another fandom when will i return to tumblr?? who knows. not me
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something abt realizing you're listening to someone sing for the last time really hits in an awful way
#so there's this girl who's a year above me and to say that she's good at singing is an understatement. if the goddess of song#herself were to appear in front of me or anyone who's ever heard a note come from her mouth and asked which one was more talented the only#appropriate answer would be that the goddess pales in comparison. i first heard her voice at the auditions for our middle school musical in#the sixth grade and i've been in shock and awe ever since. it's in the name of her voice that i decided i wanted to learn how to write musi#bc i cannot sing but wanted nothing more than some sort of reason to stand next to her. and by some twist of fate. i took music theory last#semester and guess who ended up sitting directly next to me. and who i also said no more than maybe 5-10 words to the entire time. . whoops#in my (and her) defense. it's not like she's unapproachable or anything. she's one of the genuinely kindest people i've ever encountered bu#the problem is. it's a music theory class. i was the only one in it not affiliated w the music department. and everyone in it had known eac#other for 4-7 years. even my like. actual friend in the class was ignoring me a lil (he wasn't he was just hanging out w his closer friends#and so i kept to myself the entire semester bc i didn't want to feel like i was intruding on anything + am terminally shy#(like. to the point where i get physically ill bc of it)#flash forward to today in ap world w our song parody project. our teacher was showing past examples from previous classes and guess who too#the class last year. and ofc. you Do Not get [name redacted] working on a project w/out having her sing for you#her group made a stalin-themed mr sandman parody and our teacher paused the video halfway through and it was my own personal 9/11#bc there's no good reason for our paths to ever cross again. unless she becomes some celebrity. which i have no doubt she could if merit wa#the only factor at play there. i will never hear her voice again and i'm not sure what i'm going to do abt that.#romeo.txt
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OH WAIT I HAVENT SAID IT YET BUT I HAVE READ THE FICS YOU GUYS HAVE RECOMMENDED TO ME SO UH THANKS THEY ARE SUPER AWESOME‼️‼️ I LOVED THEM THANKS MUA MUA MUA
#i can’t specify which ones because. tabs but yk#but i really liked them recs are always very well appreciated#also I’m never here (consciousness) I’m disperse I am far away so I just read and then. go on because well I have no other option#unless they scar me in some way and I can’t ever be normal again and continue as if nothing ever happened#rn I am omw to search for kagehina ones in celebration for me rewatching the thing#i was reminded oh yeah these guys. haha live laugh love#however I’ve never read a kagehina fic LMAOOO except for the threads on twt as of recently#my first hq fic was really nice tho!#i read fox in the hole by boomturkey I believe was the name on ao3#I THINK IT WAS— and it wasn’t even kagehina it was atsuhina and I have never particularly like. been there OQNWM#It appeared one day in my TL and I read it cuz why not and it’s so good and so cute and so UEGH#i just like a nice read that’s all my standard really consists of#unless I’m too fixated in one particular thing. then it HAS to be THAT thing or else I’m out#not for hate or anything if anyone knows how fixations works then yk#coughcoughvashwoodcoughcough
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fanning over media is great wonderful i love it. but the culture of fanning over celebrities is genuinely insane and dystopian and disturbing and i just want to throw all of your phones into the ocean
#cass rambles#the example i think of most often is t*ylor sw*ft#censoring it so fans don’t murder me again🙃#but like. the idea that if a celebrity is in a commercial then people are more likely to buy a product#projecting morals onto someone you don’t and will never know#acting like you’re best friends with a person whose life you literally know at MOST 5% of#it’s so creepy to me#you’re allowed to like someone’s music#you’re even allowed to be like aww that seems like such a sweet/kind/good person#but the obsession people have with some celebrities#mainly ts#but also harry styles phoebe bridgers and mitski for examples#is so alarming#at least phoebe and mitski have called it out tho. the others are just like 💖💞💕#not to mention the way that people will excuse literally anything she’d ever do#acting like she’s not a performative rich girl who is devastating the environment with her private jet’s co2 emissions#it’s just. i can’t#and her fans are so mean to any other celebrity too#it’s so insane. genuinely like a cult jesus christ#OBVIOUSLY i don’t mean all of her fans.#but the majority of people who call themselves sw*fries are so disturbing to me#even me like i have certain celebrities that i’m like aww they’re so cute:)#but do i go about my life ever really thinking about them at all. no#and if i heard someone hating on them or something would i SEND DEATH THREATS#NO?????#that’s so insane. sick behavior
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i think the worst thing about losing old friends is when the friends you lose are the exact kind of people who simultaneously understand the impulse to want to grow away and can’t understand why you would cave in. because it’s like. i never really know how to explain what went wrong because i already know that they know in theory the kinds of things that can happen but how to actually explain it is impossible. it’s. very hard to be friends with me i guess
#especially over the internet it's like. i'm trying. i know i'm trying and they have to know that i'm trying or at least i tried#but it was like. i spent six months fighting for my life to stay in contact with them#but that was during my breakdown last year. so i could talk to them but i also couldn't#because i didn't even know who they were anymore like i literally did not know#and once that happens for so long too it's like. how do you come back#how do you fix things#now there are like 5 new people i haven't met before#that are there and i know that their combined power can fill the hole i may not have even left but#i don't know. i wished them a happy winter solstice because i needed an excuse to tell them that i hope they're okay#without having to admit that i still read their messages and i still care even when i don't know them#i don't think they know anything about me anymore and that's fine i'm fine with it#i wish them happy birthdays sometimes. one of them still keeps in touch#i spend time mourning and celebrating the rest of their life even when they don't know i'm there#and that has to be terrifying but . but i don't know#it's really complicated but they're all good people it's just#i think i knew from the start it was never going to stick#i wish i had a choice for things to work i wish that was in my cards even slightly#and i know i could have like i know it's my fault but#when you have a group of people who knew you best when you were at your absolute worst#how do you face them ever again
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.
#for some reason thinking abt my birthday (in 3 months) and how. most likely. for the like third time in as many years. it will be a quiet#disappointment. turning 23 and knowing my friends will do the bare minimum to celebrate with me#and like. I love them both very much and they are good friends but like. last#year one friend bought me coffee and forgot the present she meant to give me as a half Xmas half bday gift. and the other fully forgot it#was my birthday at all. and it feels like every year I try to think of something I want to do and people I want to spend it with and it’s#like hearing cats and pulling teeth to try to organize anything and most of the time it still manages to fall through and it feels like. why#bother at this point when I know it’s a hassle and it’s frustrating and it makes me feel uncared for and disappointed yk#like I’m the organizer and the plan guy in almost all my friendships and that’s fine I don’t mind I love being that person. but it sucks to#have to feel like you’re cajoling people into giving a shit about your birthday and celebrating it with you#and now I feel like a fuxking self centered pity party throwing piece of shit bc it’s not that deep and it’s not that important and it’s not#even soon. but there’s always this small part of me that like. hopes for my friends to take initiative and do something and want to celebrat#with me and throw a party or even a surprise party which I would love and it’s like. it’s never going to happen. they won’t. and it’s not bc#they don’t care about me but it’s bc they won’t ever think to do that. it won’t occur to them. and I just. have to deal with that and I have#to accept my birthdays as quiet and find the personal internal joy for myself and not depend on people to show they care about me the way I#I would show for them. yk? like that’s what it comes down to. I just. I cried on my birthday last year bc it felt like I gave more of a shit#than my friends did. and that sucked. and I don’t want to feel like that again so it feels like the solution is to lower my expectations so#radically that I can’t be disappointed. and that just sucks a little bit too#anyway. it’s not that deep it’s fine I’m fine my birthdays not for months still I don’t know why I’m feeling emotional abt this
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>tried to be ultimate good friend by never talking to ky friends abt my issues because they were too extreme
>now have no one who cares
#this is ENTIRELY my fault#even if they wouldnt have listened to me no matter what i sure couldve sussed that faster and eventually found people who would#sorryy im just after seeing debs pics from people in primary and feel awful upset now that 1) im not going#(self sabotage + insecurity + the whole suicide mindset i still have + no way in fuck would my parents. yeah)#and 2) just not supplementing it w anything ☹️☹️ my friends get to celebrate and be celebrated the world over for doing their leaving +#graduating. its just me and my dear friend not going#i made a vent art thing ages ago abt that NEVERRR to post i would never. but just how neither of us are going debs#but her family wouldve killed to have her go and now she never can. and how im not going out of choice#and how awful i am for not taking opportunity while im alive and shes not#but. nothing will ever like make me feel happy. as im learning#this summer has really been me coming to terms w the fact i do have depression and just will never be ‘happy’ as a default#will never. be able to do things#im Sick is what i am. its lit a sickness#and treating it likethat instead of fighting it might unfortunately be the realistic and rational and best way forward#which is very embarrassing for me and so hard to accept because ive always been a Fi. no i Was a fighter#and then she passed away i just crumbled lol. im still not half the person i used be#i used likeeee strive for greatness. because its all i could do and i had to fight for a better life as a gay person as someone w a rough#fam. but then she died and nooothing was ever worth it again. whats the point if people can just die so suddenly#she deserved so so so much. the world like#sorry debs just makes me think of her. of course it would like#.. can i hust be evil now and say i wish my friends wouldve. wanted me to come#THEYRE NOT MY FRIENDS ! i have this sorted. this has been established.#i need ro get over that. or rathee have them stop coming to ky mind#im talking
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