#nervousrunaway

[nervous-runaway]

You, me, we, and the love we had. The likes of which will never be seen again. Of course there will be other loves, other Great loves. But none like ours.

Never again will our particular set of atoms & stardust touch.

Do you think our little nitrogen atoms weep? To know they waited 13.8 billion years, found their way to our hearts in our mothers wombs and waited. Waited to collide in that motel parking lot in South Carolina, only to never meet again. 13.8 billion years for a single moment.

I wonder if my stardust considers me a waste of time like you do -KR 4/18/22

[nervous-runaway]

“In another life, another time, I could have been yours and you could have been mine”. I am so tired of hearing that. Exhausted beyond belief from the way we hid behind later.

Because it is always later. Not now, Never now. And so we always seek something to blame us on. That maybe next time it will work. Im so tired.

I’m so tired K.R- 11/29

[nervous-runaway]

It was never rotten work to me ; You were never rotten work. Not to me

KR 9:42pm

[nervous-runaway]

I don’t want to be mean to you. I don’t want to bully you or hurt your feelings

I want to make you laugh so often I become intimately familiar with the way your smile sounds. I want to memorize the way your eyes flash in a moment of joy and find find comfort in the feeling of your palm in mine.

I want to be a moment of peace in your day. That which lifts your heart and reminds you that the birds sing.

But you only text me when you are lonely and rough around the edges. Seeking the spark and intensity of us. Looking for the way I am quick to respond and quicker to strike, because everyone I have ever loved has left and I have been scarred by their departure. So despite all that I desire, I continue this act. This performance of nonchalance and distance, because I live for the moments we speak and I am scared that to drop the facade is to extend you an invitation to depart.

That to show you the tears and the ache as the loss, would only give you the opportunity to strike true instead of know me as I crave. K.R @10:54 6/16/23

[nervous-runaway]

I know

I know I am not the only one to have loved someone who was bad for me

To sit here in love and in pain. To watch you walk away in silence because to open my mouth would be to beg you to stay.

I know I am not the only one in the world who has been left behind, embarrassed that even after all this time, I would do anything for you.

I know there have always been and always will be others. I just wish I didn’t feel so fucking alone.

-pennies in the fountain -K.R 11/29

[nervous-runaway]

I’ve forgotten the way your face looked,When we said goodbye. My palms no longer remember the way your skin felt and my lips have no recollection of yours

I have forgotten so much of you, and yet. I could drive that road from my house to yours blindfolded. When I am lost and so alone, I put on our song and remember how dancing in the kitchen with you felt.I still read the books you recommended and play the games we learned together

The memory of our bodies may be lost to time but I think pieces of you will live on in me and in mine long after I have gone -KR 5/13

[nervous-runaway]

“Do you dream about dancing with me in the kitchen?

When you lie between the sheets at night are you haunted by the memory of me beside you, aching in the darkness; reaching for me across that bed as if you might bridge the minutes and miles between us and feel the almost brush of my fingertips?

In the moments between sleeping and waking, when that nascent light begins to call you from your dreams so sweetly that you almost forget all that you are, do you think of me? Are you so in-love with me that I have become tangled amongst all of the veins in your heart, and you could no less cease to dream of me than halt your heart from beating? “

_____

I sent this to him and received “Yes”

-I am never loved as I love KR 9:52 pm

[nervous-runaway]

I am playing with fire talking to you. I know it. 

But that does not keep me from seeking you out. I’ve never been what could be called an adrenaline junkie, but with you- I may have to rethink my perception of self. 

Because when I talk to you it is so much more than butterflies. It is falling & soaring & and breathing & choking. It is all and nothing. You make my legs shake with only the phrase “ I love when you talk to me”. 7 words & I am upended. And THAT is a raging bonfire of red flags. 

I know the taste of this well, so very familiar with obsession that I ache with what is to come. But that does not seem to stop me from sprinting down this well worn path 

-My middle name may as well be insanity KR @12:25pm 3/23

[nervous-runaway]

And I am still growing wildflowers in the cracks of my heart, hoping you will come back to pick them

-KR 2/8 10:03am

[nervous-runaway]

Even in your absence, I am defined by you

Excerpt- KR 6/2022

[nervous-runaway]

I have a habit of idolizing the people I fall into love obsession with

Re-writing and twisting every word out of their perfect mouths. Gaslighting myself into believing they could do no wrong. I think I am doing it again. Letting you into my heart, baring vulnerable truths and accepting kernels from you as gospel. I want to tell you that I fear my own heart. That I truly do not know if I am good or bad at the core. That I weep at a good sunrise and I am overwhelmed when remembering we are surrounding by little acts of love all the time. That I am terrified I have never really loved & only ever gotten better at lying.

But more than that I’m scared you are only infatuated with the idea of me and to be confronted with too honest a picture of me-you would run for the hills. And I am worried what it says, that I would even consider letting you stay for a lie, rather than leave with the truth -KR 9:20pm

[nervous-runaway]

“Some people turn sad awfully young. No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I am one of them”- Ray Bradbury-Dandelion Wine”

“For I am one of them” One of them. How tragically funny to feel such kinship to the lonely words of the dead. Because I feel the truth of these inked words more keenly than even I can admit. How they twist almost like a knife in my stomach. yes- i think my stomach. A rotting infected wound; A long slow death. I have felt so sad, for so very long & for no particular reason. So I am glad to know that I am not alone in this feeling. But chilled to know that every kindred spirit I seem to to find is dead - Somehow we all end up in an early grave K.R 2:02pm 2/7/23

[nervous-runaway]

A penny and a bloom for every time you crossed my mind, we could sit together at the end of our days and have only a penny and a rose between us.

No garden to walk through, No riches to spoil you in our sunset years.

Because you do not cross my mind, wandering in and out as if zephyr given form. You are my thoughts, constant and all consuming and never changing. My love for you more familiar than even my own heartbeat, the rhythm of you, that sweet song which guides each day. That beautiful melody I move to in the dawns early light.

I do not think of you often, because I think of you always

Excerpt- KR 4/12 10:08pm

[nervous-runaway]

I am still writing you into everything. Still finding ways to fit the oh so sweet vowels of your name into these phrases. Making you the hero and villain of all my stories.

I tell myself that I am finally beyond your reach-but I cannot keep from clutching the meager pieces of you that I have been left to my chest. Desperately trying to make them bloom in the fallow garden of my heart. Trying to mix them with equal parts Love and Sorrow to create new memories.

It does not work, and so I write- KR 12:28pm

[nervous-runaway]

I wonder if the universe misses the pieces it left behind, in the creation of you KR 2:43am

[nervous-runaway]

Because someone who has only ever known love;who has only ever had their cuts and bruises wrapped by loving hands and sealed with a kiss beneath gauze and bandages, can never understand and why we clean out our wounds with poison.

Why we would lean into pain, seeking that cleansing fire to wash away what was left of us. Why we would burn ourselves to the ground before exposing our vulnerability on the chance that maybe there was someone who cared enough to wrap our wounds.

“Let the poison wash away the pain”KR 1/26 9:23pm