#need to experience it irl or i might die
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He could spit in my mouth and I would thank him
♡ thinking about meanie!rafayel who gets off on seeing you as messy as possible
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“Why are you crying, angel? I thought you said you could take it?” Rafayel was mean—laughing in your face as tears streamed down your cheeks. He wasn't above licking them off of your skin, a sinister grin pulling at his lips while reveled in the salty taste. His hips relentlessly snapped up into yours, soft hands wrapped around your waist, pressing your chest into his, your puffy nipples rubbing against him as you squirmed.
“Rafayel���fuck—please slow down. Please…”
“Aw, please baby? Earlier you had so much attitude. Now it’s please and thank you, huh? Does it just take having your holes filled to make you think straight? What a slutty girl my angel is.” He watched as your tongue hung out of your mouth, syrupy drool dripping onto your chest, the wetness pooling between the two of you, your skin sticky with one another. He thought you were so fucking sweet like this--peaked nipples bounding against him, begging to be sucked, hair glued to your forehead with sweat, sweet little moans slipping from between your lips. You were a true work of art.
“I feel you tightening up around me, you gonna cum again already? Cumming while you drool all over me—how fucking nasty.” His tongue licked and sucked every inch of your neck, focusing right beneath your ear so you could hear every ragged breath that fell from between his lips as he slowed his pace. It was painfully slow, the sudden change in rhythm making you whine as he somehow managed to get even deeper now, forcing his entire length between your walls, his thick tip grinding itself onto your cervix while you clamped down around him.
“Too much— you’re so deep oh my god.” He couldn’t help but smile into the crook of your neck at the sound of your pretty cries.
“Such pretty noises you’re making. Can you feel my cock kissing your insides, cutie? Huh? You’re taking me so well, little pussy was made for me.” The filthy words only made you even wetter, the slick soaking Rafayel’s lap. He couldn’t help himself as his eyes met yours again—he had to kiss you, to taste your tongue. It was sloppy as you drooled into each other’s mouths, his slender fingers gripping your cheeks, forcing your lips to his.
“Shit—you’re clenching around me like you want me to cum inside of you. Is that it, angel? You wanna have my babies in this hungry little pussy, hm?” he said, voice sticky and sweet as his fingers found their way to your mouth and between your lips, greedily scooping up your spit and dragging it down your body. His digits landed right where your hips met, toying with your aching clit. Your back arched as his tongue made small circles around your nipples, teeth grazing them one by one as he fucked up into you.
“Yes yes yes want your babies please please I want your cum.”
"Yeah? You gonna let me cum inside of you, sweet girl? Fuck—this pussy is milking my cock so good." You shook against him, pretty voice begging in his ear...such filthy words from his angel. His fingers buried themselves into your hair, forcing you closer to him, your sticky foreheads pressed together, eyes locked on on another's.
“Aw I know, I know. My sweet girl, so fucking messy for me, huh? You gonna clean me up with that pretty mouth when you’re done using me? It’s the least you could do.” Praises fell from your lips as he finally pushed you over the edge, the combination of sensations making you buck and wiggle against him as he held you close.
“Aw gooood job, cumming so hard for me. Look so pretty like this—you made such a big mess of me." He said, voice soft against your ear as you shook in his arms, little cries falling from your mouth as he finally emptied himself in your tight little hole. His warm cum dripped down between your bodies, sticking you to him like glue as he peppered small kisses on your flesh.
"Open up for me," he whispered, his gaze soft, fingers cupping your face to squeeze your cheeks together. He could feel himself grow hard inside of you again almost immediately as he watched your lips part for him. He tilted your head back, drooling into your mouth, the wetness slipping back out onto your tits until they were glistening.
"Good girl, my sweet angel. Now swallow it." So you did.
"What do we say when someone gives us a gift?”
“Thank you.”
“You’re so welcome, baby.”
♡ a/n: uhhh bored so slight edit + repost,, something quick to look at until i finish the rafayel mermaid heat fic that i was really supposed to be writing. short and sweet xx
#i want him to#hes so hot#i need him#*writes this into script*#need to experience it irl or i might die#love and deepspace#rafayel love and deepspace
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Hooray... it's 7 in the morning and I stayed up all night listening to the imperium... I feel so happy and satisfied with my life choices...
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I am feeling very much not cowabunga, dude
[SEVERE rambling in tags]
#ouww it hurts!! it hurts!!! this is the stuff you're supposed to leave for angst fic writers not make canon in an alt universe?? ERIK PLEASE#i hate the whole entire world right now. genuinely cannot speak to anyone normally for the next 3-4 business days.#I have no one irl to rant to about this FUCK im stranded. im quarantined. im being held against my will free meee#The irl friend i have who knows anything at all about redacted only knows freelancer s1 i cannot drop this bigass plot on them#Genuinely i might start going mad out of repression. Erik writing “hope you enjoy” in the desc as if that wasnt the most painfully torturou#experience I've ever had in my life. The fucking inevitability. I knew Echo was going to pull some shit. IM JUST GLAD VIN AND FL ARE OK#they were NOT the turning point just let them live their cabin in the woods fantasy for however long they can okay...#Also I kinda love imp!vega. not the biggest fan of prime bc of the whole child beating situation but i sure loved this guy.#really knew what he was talking about when it came to revolutions and stuff. Like he's good. no disrespect to avior but vega did good#and he was so gentle with his partner which i find more appealing than torture but that's just me. that's just me i get it#And uh. speaking of that. Imp!sam. Yeah i get why some of yall are goin wild over him and i wish i could say i shared the sentiment but hes#too scary im weak like that. when i know a bastard would simply kill me without a care im just not into that yknow? or maybe you dont#Glad we got twisted gay damihux at the end though MUAHAJAJA that's one of the only redeeming lights that kept me alive#FUCKKKK SHIT FU K SJIT DAM ASHERS ENTIRE SCENE WITH BRACJIUM GOD HELP ME. ID DIE FOR THAT MAN#he's so fucking sad!!! he just wants his husband back!!! HE WANTS HIS FAMILY BACK!!!!!!#No even I don't understand how it's possible to get this attached to characters. I don't know. Im in deep shit.#Is this the end for me? Is my life over? These are the questions I have today. I probably just need to sleep because again#it's 7:30 in the morning. but regardless. These characters mean so much to me and this silly anthology has pulled emotions out of#me that i am terrified of feeling [survivors guilt hits me right in the fucking heart] and im scared. of what? don't know#That little shit Echo was right about one thing. It may not be real but the emotional damage it caused me is real. AND IRREPARABLE#redacted audio#redacted asmr#redacted imperium#redacted imp!asher#redacted echo#redacted imp!vega#redacted imp!sam#redacted vindemiator#tired of tagging. hitting the pillow. good night.
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Moe initially going by a direct masculization of its feminine deadname, plus a neutral shortening, hopping between the three depending on presentation for the day. Switching up pronouns as it does. Until finally deciding it needs to shed All Of That and try something completely different, that doesn't have any connection to those names at all. This, too, is a Brunoism. To me. Moe 🤝 Bruno -- men of many names
#moe tag#moe lore#and that's not even getting to mani. mani is not moe's deadname. it's not even fucking close LMFAO#man. i forgot just how fucking dire it was for bruno though i feel so bad for him.#you can file being disowned and thrown out under a queer coded experience too but honestly?#i think it's more interesting to imagine like. culturally homophobia/transphobia just doesn't exist in the same way it does irl#like so in this case. it's more politically damning for what bruno goes through in canon#his mother committed a grave affront to the empire (leaked secrets w askr) and was severely punished for it#aka imprisoned and left to die in isolation. horrifying. and bc of being his mother's child#bruno is also cast out. ect ect incase anyone needed a refresher#so going back. it's more politically damning to even be ASSOCIATED w someone who leaked intell against the empire#than it is like. hey it's prince bruno now. btw.#this DOES call into question like. what is the timeline here actually. but honestly that just makes things funnier#like. if bruno was chosen as a name/established AFTER not quite landing on zacharias#the implication that the disgraced 'princess' of embla still gets to be acknowledged as a prince by his own name#but is still damned by being related to his mother. like. once again another trans accepting remy incident#you can be trans. however i CANNOT forgive you for the Crime of the circumstances of your birth#no not those ones those are fine. zacharias? yeah that's fine. i'm talking about your mother#also imagining it's veronica who's been playing telephone for Everything.#idk idk might be incredibly flawed lore wise BUT. it is funny. my loadbearing headcanons......
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highlights from my notes app. 30/79 and i couldn’t even finish the last chapter
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⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ AKAASHI KEIJI
undone ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖
she would do anything for her best friend. including, but not limited to, pretending to be his girlfriend, so he can get the attention of the girl of his dreams, as much as it hurts
PAIRING: akaashi x fem reader
STATUS: complete
TAGS/WARNING: unrequited love, fake dating, angst, pining, friends to lovers, university au, language, alcohol use, warnings may change
MDNI: will contain adult content (marked in chapter)
TAGLIST: complete this form to be added
PREVIEW: real
CHAPTER ONE: evidence
CHAPTER TWO: complications
CHAPTER THREE: close
CHAPTER FOUR: truths
CHAPTER FIVE: plans
CHAPTER SIX: act
-> SEQUEL
#reading this bc p*riod cramps are keeping me up and i want to die. surely this wont go badly#He captioned it: My pretty girl” kms#iwaizumi: i’m sorry to text you so much. i’m just bad at stopping myself” kms#I’m obsessed with you.” ow#she wants to believe her and everything she says.” there are so many pains in my body this might be the first unique experience i’ve had.#i think i’m getting a stomach ulcer /srs#She is sorry. She feels sorry for him.” ok the best analogy i can think of is in lying on a bed of knives and every line is just a little#bit of pressure that pushes me deeper into the knives so it’s not this overwhelming unbearable pain it’s just slow and uncomfortable and i#want it to stop but it’s beyond my control now also i feel blood dripping down my back#Yeah but I give a shit about you” a tall tall wall looms in front of me#after weeks of nonstop contact won’t answer her texts.” what if i ripped my stomach out#No” Akaashi says. “Can I kiss you?” i think i’m being cooked like a rotisserie chicken#ok ok this actually might be too much for me i’m going to be so sick please#let me paint the picture. it’s 5:40 am. i’ve been up since 3 battling the worst cramps i’ve had all year. been stuck in my head abt my own#irl crush dilemma. this fic is abt akaashi keiji. who i have never been normal about. so i obviously have invested feelings#. i feel like this is what being cheated on feels like. this is a genuine attack on my person and my well being i am being cheated on in#my whole interior feels like tar#my heart feels like how you feel when you start to drown like that sense of bubbling over and the loss of breath and irrational brain feels#god now i’m openly reading this like it’s me and something tells me that this in this moment is going to be the worst decision of my life#i’m pretty sure i took my antidepressants. here’s hoping#i let out a sound that was a bit like a strangled wail and i tried to be quiet i tried so hard but i woke roommate up#she hasn’t fallen back asleep since then it’s been an hour#i think this is grief. like i’m feeling real unmitigated grief.#internally i am wailing at the top of my lungs i need to scream i need to sob i need to have some kind of catharsis before my body implodes#Is she still watching?” kill YOURself#i just wished death on akaashi keiji what has the world become. maybe i’m having a lucid nightmare and this isn’t a real fic#and surely it’s a happy ending right i said in delusion#my period cramps are nothing compared to whatever concoction of gross painful awful gut wrenching pain sobs anguish peril grief you’ve done#this is like when i read in another life for the first time but a hundred times worse#That some sick small part of her still wishes it was Akaashi instead.” ok
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This is complaining day because I realized there's more than one thing that got on my nerves lately and it's not just about the treatment of a kpop idol's mother. Let's begin.
Please, stop refering to Jungkook's mother as mama Jeon. I know the tendency is to ignore so many of the cultural differences that exist, but in SK, people don't change their surname after marriage. It just sounds idiotic and westernized in a ridiculous way.
So, Jungkook's mother loves all BTS members. She LOVES them all. How does army know that? How? I'm genuinely curious and genuinely asking. Because they say it as a certainty. Or, forgive me if my memory is faulty as well, but the only instance that we as outsiders were privy to in which we heard that woman speak for the first time, it was in early 2021 on another phonecall with Jungkook when she said I love you to Jimin.
Of course, the same ot7 narrative came as a buldozer at that time too. Damn, does that mean Jimin = BTS? Sometimes yes, but only when Army wants to diminish Jimin's importance and doesn't allow him to stand out individually too much. Musically or otherwise. But back to this Big Love that Jungkook's mom is supposedly feeling for everyone and which has been invoked once again when that woman mentioned Jimin twice while talking to Jungkook on the phone. Cause she already knew they were in Jeju. I bet she didn't have to find out randomly from a schedule group chat.
So what happens? An assumption is turned into certainty because of small people being extremely insecure. Because they see that one person is once again given more importance on a personal level and we can't have that. No sir! So in a panic, they tweet, they post on tumblr, tiktok, youtube the old age, boring af, sounding like a broken record sentence: "Mama Jeon loves all seven". Fuck me gently with a chainsaw cause that sounds a lot better than the feeling of throwing up I get whenever I read such things.
No, she doesn't love all of them. That is not a fact. It could be true and it's not impossible. But it is not a fact based on the knowledge we have at the moment.
Also, it shows once again that an entire fandom is actively creating a reality of their own which is not even like some sort of simulacrum of the reality they must live through. In Army world, the mother of one member of a k-pop group must love all the members of such group. It doesn't matter than irl, our mothers a lot of the times don't even like all our friends, besties or partners. We might have the most incredible connections and it would mean nothing to our mothers.
In that same vein, another narrative that makes me want to pull my eyes out is the "awww, their bond is to die for, they are (like) siblings after all". Do any of them never had any siblings? Never saw other people and their relationship with their siblings? Or with their family?
I also had to read (which was followed by me blocking it immediately) how Jimin and Jungkook's relationship is the sum of the other relationships they have with other BTS members. I mean, why would I have any sort of expectations from any of these people when they are completely incapable of looking at JM and JK as actual people. As persons with individual minds and an intellect of their own. Let alone the fact that their world does not stop with the presence of 5 other men. In what realistic scenario does this translate in real life? That's not how it works. Yes, we are social creatures and a product of our surroundings, but it is not in the way in which these stans believe it to be. They think that living in a dorm for a few years and working together with other people, it means that those experiences are the only ones that actually shape the personality of a person. They are real people, not fictional characters. I've never heard such ridiculous theories in my entire life, to be used as talking points about someone's behavior or relationship with another person.
Maybe the need to create this elaborate fantasy comes from the lack of love in their life, which then gets projected into this Disney, kumbaya, capitalist heaven narrative in which everyone is a big family and they love each other so much and equally and all the parents of all the children love every single member and thus, harmony is created. Love is always platonic and ever present. The complexity of human relationships must not exist.
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There's SO FUCKING MUCH going on in the QSMP with the eggs, the dragon, whatever Dark is, appearing for Leonarda and possibly being the same monster as Quackity's vision after Tilín's death. It possibly being what kills the eggs when the parents don't cime within a day, as BBH pointed out, it's weird that they just die like that, they're getting hunted
Cucurucho. In general. And his apparent rivalry with the angel, telling Maxo not to trust him. Spying on everyone even more now. Watching Slime sleep, watching the group of Maxo, BBH and Foolish as they try and piece together the truth. Him showing Slime footage of his daughter getting killed
The angel telling Slime to pick between bringing back Flipa or Tilín and him choosing Tilín hoping Quackity won't find out
Maxo wanting to make a church to bring his son Trump back, but not trusting Cucurucho, telling him this better not be a joke and Cucurucho laughing at him. Maxo fearing he might become a robot like Luzu, because nobody knows who the fuck messed with Luzu
All the parents of dead eggs are getting desperate, violent, vengeful and also closer to the truth
The eggs are most likely the lotus flower from Quackity's twitter dns. Keeping the players docile and complacent as long as they're there. The ones with dead eggs are swinging towards the other end of the spectrum
Whoever is controlling the whole island experiment also has letters, which mention something about Fabergé eggs (irl a set if 69 artisanal easter eggs for the russian tzar) and how many of them can be shipped out within a week. So the eggs we know are possibly not the only ones and whoever is running this whole thing is purposely sending out new ones
And also something about sheep's blood for potions... Because it's in style?? I don't even know where the letters came from, tbh
Translation:
Kind regards
Let's go back to the XVI century! We need to make a price quotation for sheep's blood. This last fashion trend in magic formulas should be of upmost importance for the laboratory. Yes, we already know that modern budgets almost never include sheep's blood, but this is what our fashion trends seem to require.
With appreciation, we wish to receive your commercial proposals as soon as possible. We thank your great collaboration in advance in preparing the price quotations for us
This is running DEEP
#qsmp#there's so much going on#currently finding stuff out through twitter#and piecing it together like a 2k piece puzzle of which I have like 500#I genuinely don't even know where the letters came fro. but I saw them floating around in discussion#slimecicle#slime#q!slime#charlie slimecicle#q!charlie#q!maxo#maxo#maximus#q!maximus#q!bbh#bad boy halo#bbh#q!foolish#foolish#leonarda qsmp#dark qsmp#rubius#q!ruibius#q!angel#angel rubius#quackity#q!quackity#tilín#tilín qsmp#juanaflippa
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my problem recommending Link Click to people
clearly, i love Link Click. i find the show emotionally compelling, the characters are well-written and interesting, the complex/convoluted plot is very crunchy for my adhd brain to chew on. LOVE that. however. i have yet to find a person irl who Sees My Vision when i recommend the show to them, and i think it's the fandom's fault.
not in bad way! but i think this show is a good example of media that exists for FANS and not casual viewers.
season 1 is by far the most accessible. a straightforward story about two guys solving crime by time travelling in photos. don't mess up the past, it could mess up the future, etc etc. everything is linear, the character motivations are pretty clear, the plot is seriously gripping. the only accessibility hurdles are the piss poor subs we had to deal with and the lack of on-screen text translation. and i suppose if you don't like shows that are episode-5-level heavy then this probably isn't the show for you.
season 2 already starts off on a very niche foot with the fact that there was a pretty big spoiler (or a hint at one) in the XETROVERTHINK music video that released before the season aired. fans who knew about that video were already speculating, and by the first 30 seconds of season 2, theories were running RAMPANT. NOW everyone was intentionally looking for hints of time travel mid-season. they were predicting how and when cheng xiaoshi might die. it made an extremely confusing season FUN because even when we didn't know what the hell was going on, we could always fall back on the lu guang timeloop theory to chew on.
but if you didn't see the XETROVERTHINK video? well, you probably weren't paying as close attention to what lu guang was saying in the first 30 seconds. the shot of cheng xiaoshi dying lasted for only a second or two. blink and you miss it. if you didn't rewatch the episode, you probably wouldn't notice. in a show where so many things don't make sense, that could have just been one more to add to the pile.
cut back to all the people that I've forced to watch the show, I can say that they did NOT have the same watching experience that i had as a fun following along on tumblr. which is fine, but they do look at me like i'm insane when i try to explain that this is the most fun show ever created.
after one of my friends finished season 2 i sent him a draft of the fic i was writing for some feedback and when he got to season 2-spoiler specific part, he didn't fully understand that lu guang had gone back in time to prevent cheng xiaoshi from dying, and therefore didn't understand what i had written. he didn't have the fandom, who had been speculating about that for 12 full weeks before the reveal, so as a casual fan, the first time he received that info was in that last 2 minutes of the season, and he didn't full understand it
my younger sister has made it to yingdu, and every time i try to talk to her about it when get to talk about shiguang a lot, but i don't have much time to sit her down and show her frame by frame analyses of why the lu guang vs vein interaction in episode one looks like it might be in two different timelines. she's not seeing that there's morse code in the books or interpreting sonnets or pausing to check the eye color of characters, so when i talk to her about it we're scratching maybe 3% of what the show is truly communicating with us.
and again, it makes me look like a total headcase when i try to explain to people that this is the best show ever and so much fun because if you're not INTERACTING with the show and with the fans, mulling over the minute details in a scene or asking for a more accurate translation of something, it's like you're missing out on most of the show
i once tried to recommend my sister one of my favorite pokemon fanfics of all time. she'd read some others and seemed interested, so i sent her the link and then told her that to fully understand it she'd need to have knowledge of basically every major character in the entire pokemon anime, from kid trainers to gym leaders to Champions to villains to rivals to professors. she'd also have to know how they all relate to each other, PLUS some game characters. i sent her a list of episodes she needed to watch for character and plot relevance and links to wikipedias for other main characters. after she absorbed all this information then she could truly understand why this was the greatest fic ever!!
that's what recommending Link Click is feeling like, currently. like i want you to like this show, i want you to understand this show like i do, but that means you HAVE to be insane about it. there's no other way to appreciate it if you're not in the fandom.
#link click#this isn't super coherent bc its late but its something thats been on my mind a lot lately
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transmasc feelings about The Sign ep. 6
I might be a little late with this but I finally realised that while most fandom discourse isn't really my thing, what I do love is reading why shows or certain characters or even a single scene make people feel a lot of things (especially when I personally don't relate to it that much). And The Sign has me sooo deep in my trans feelings, I need to share some of that.
Other people have already pointed out how Tharn can be read as a trans man, having been a princess in another life. And he's short (compared to the others). I know, not all trans men are short, but I am, so it's a trait that always helps me identify with a character.
The main thing though and the reason I'm writing this is his struggle for agency. Because in my experience, the first point of attack on trans men is exactly our agency. We're told we're just naive, confused (autistic) little girls, seduced by the patriachy to reject our own femininity. Victims of our own internalised misogony. That we can't be trusted to make our own decisions, that we need to be 'protected' by being denied our bodily autonomy.
And the way people treat Tharn feels so similar to this. Everyone is pushing him, everyone acts like they know better whether he should date Phaya and even when it comes from a good place (like with Yai) or can be seen as harmless banter, it's still a lot. And then we get the scene where Phaya punches Chalothorn and Tharn punches Phaya and I know this scene is controversial, but I love it! I don't want to comment on how well this worked in the context of the show but as an isolated scene I find it deeply cathartic to watch.
Chalothorn says he will do everything to keep Tharn from Phaya. Even if Tharn has to die.
I know it's because I'm biased but this oozes "I'd rather have a dead child/partner than a trans child/partner"-energy to me. And he gets punched for saying that! Obvs don't punch people irl if you can avoid it but seeing Phaya shut him down like that immediately was so satisfying to watch. Seeing the rage on Phaya's face alone, the same rage I feel for everyone trying to push people back into the suicidality of the closet for their own comfort, is just cathartic.
But then! Tharn punches Phaya and that is... bad, isn't it? Honestly, not to me. Phaya isn't just being a little bit pushy here, it is not the same situation as in ep 3 where Phaya also pushes boundaries but we see Tharn happily agree to the sparring match.
No, in this situation Tharn clearly states what he wants and Phaya ignores that and tries to forcefully drag Tharn away. We know that Phaya has his reasons. As an audience we know that trusting Chalothorn is the wrong choice but it is still Tharn's decision to make!
He punches Phaya and in that moment he takes back his agency, he asserts his boundaries and he isn't being punished for that. Phaya doesn't try to guilt-trip him later, he accepts that he was wrong in trying to force Tharn to come with him. This is also the reason why I don't mind Phaya persuing Tharn with such vigor, because this scene shows us that he will back off if Tharn really needs him to, and that he won't hold a grudge for being rejected. (yeah, again, don't punch people irl, but this is a tv series, it should speak to the parts of our brain that respond better to powerful images than logical reasoning)
And another nice thing this episode gives us is the scene with Yai afterwards. He still get in Tharn's business but instead of just acting like he knows what Tharn needs, he asks questions and then offers his own perspective and his support.
Because this is how you help someone in this kind of situation. Not by trying to tell them what to do (come out, stay in the closet, transition, not transition... if we stay with my trans analogy), but by telling them you will be there when things get rough. And that the thing you really want for them is to be happy.
#the sign the series#phayatharn#transmasc feelings#cw suicide mention#trans#the sign bl#the sign meta#is this even meta or just personal
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I'm not normally one to rant or anything but here goes.
I hesitate to tag this. but I feel it needs to be said, in fact I feel it HAS to be said or I think this fandom is just going to be done for within the next 5 or so years. People need to read this and understand what is happening within the fandom and not continue this behavior or turn a blind eye to it.
This fandom has a SERIOUS problem. I don't say that lightly either. I feel like 99% of this fandom are sweet and caring people. but we have that 1%.
This 1% is killing the community in this fandom. How is it okay to message someone, demand they make a statement on THEIR blog and when they say they don't want to talk about it you then tell them you wish they would die a horrible death?
TW for suicide and SA! (you have been warned) Long rant below. (preempted note to let everyone know that I am fine, I am not posting this for people to feel bad for me. I am using my own experiences as examples, but this is not a 'me' issue this is a fandom issue)
Why is that so normalized here? The vague blogging and the call to arms people in this fandom do is actually disgusting. Picking one person and just beating them down until they eventually leave the fandom and at the SAME people will be like. "Why is the Hetalia fandom so small?" Who wants to be in a fandom where making one statement that's not even bad could get you death threats?
I don't think the fandom realizes how hurtful what they say can be. Sure you might not have liked a post someone made because you disagreed. Well then scroll down, hit the block button and carry on with your life. Why do some of you feel it is acceptable behavior to make mass posts calling out someone or going into their inbox to tell them you wish they would kill themselves?
I say I don't like Spamano and people say they want me dead. I say I don't want to talk about IRL politics on my parody Hetalia blog and my life and entire country is threatened.
I say we shouldn't insert our ships into everyone's lives and let people ship what they want and not feel forced to appease you. and you guessed it people wish terrible things onto me and my body.
I feel the only way this behavior will change is if we start calling it out more. I know it will feel repetitive but I think ignoring it is only making it worse at this point.
I know a lot of people would read this and think "If you don't like it then leave the fandom" well YOU'RE the issue. This is not normal behavior. These are not actions of someone who is mentality well. Why should I leave a fandom I've been in for 10 years because some idiot cannot handle that I don't like shipping characters together? How is that impacting their life at all?
a few months ago I made a post and it was highjacked and someone totally just took it over and added their own thing onto it talking about SA. Totally out of left field not related to what I posted at all. I simply messaged them and asked them if they could please remove the comment as I am a survivor of SA and it don't think it was funny or appropriate to add onto my post and they just said. "No I can say anything I want to. I was talking about Hetalia so it's fine." like what do you mean no!? Who responds that way? What a normal considerate person would do is say "I'm sorry of course! I can just go make my own post." but no they just left it there. It's still there, won't say which post or who it was because it doesn't matter anymore.
But this is the kind of behavior I'm talking about. This weird entitlement of everyone being so defensive and angry all the time. Just wanting to pick a fight over nothing. You never know if simply saying something like (Example) "I don't really like Austria" Could land you 100 anons all saying they wanted you to off yourself. It's like a game of Russian roulette. It's a very stressful environment for a big creator to be in. All it really takes is the wrong person to see a post you made and disagreed with and all of a sudden they are making posts about you without mentioning your name but are CLEARLY about you saying "This person hates all Austrians, they are a neo-nazi and we should all block them and send them hate and also let's just reword what they said to make it sound 100x worse because people won't read the original post and they will just believe us." Who would want to be a creator in an environment like that?
would you believe me if I told you I still to this day am getting someone in my inbox calling for my r*pe because of the stupid fucking beauty pageant poll I did? Is that not insanity? Who is that person? Wtf is their life? I personally could not imagine sending hate to anyone for any reason, and if I did it would be off of anon and I would say it with my chest. Because in order for someone to push it that far they would have to saying some absolutely terrible stuff to make me take time from my day and life to give them negative energy.
The fandom is shrinking because of the 1% driving them away. They come after artists who draw a character in a way they don't like. They come after writers for depicting a character in a way they disagree with. They go after shippers for portraying their ship 'wrong'. They will comment on people's fun little head canons and just leave the rudest most unnecessary comments thinks like "He wouldn't do that" like okay?? Thanks for your insert betty sue. And it's always when you were never trying to set someone off is when they lose their minds. They do not understand even if a blog is big and has a lot of followers it is still THAT creators blog. they are a person not an identity who just churns out content for just you and they have to say and do whatever you want.
Another thing the 1% like to do on here is they will wait for you to say something and then they will jump to attack a person who does the thing you said you dislike and they will tell that person "blog name XYZ said you are a horrible person and I agree kill yourself" That one is a near direct quote I got not too long ago. I got several like that and actually had to message said creator and say "Why are you mad at me?" and they were completely confused, had no idea how they decided to attack me because of what they said. When I tell you that the 1% are sitting there frothing at the mouth wanting to send hate and death threats I mean that 100%
It's not JUST me either. All creators in the Hetalia fandom I'm sure could tell you about upsetting hate they received and had no idea what they even did or said wrong. I have spoken to former Hetalia blogs ones who I used to call my pals before I went on my hiatus and came back. They all said they left not because they started hating Hetalia but they left for their mental health because the 1% got too bold and unchecked. This was never an issue before quarantine. I know it brought a lot of new fans and that's great! But I also feel along with bringing in some wonderful people it brought in some really dark minded people as well. Saying "Just disable anons and move on" is also not a solution. these people are still here and if they're not bothering me or you they are tormenting someone else because that's what these people do. That 'someone else' may only need the tiniest nudge at the edge and they may just actually hurt themselves. You don't know people. You don't know what everyone is going through. You don't know what someone's life is like outside of here.
PLEASE Please! stop telling people to kill themselves. Stop telling people to go get R**ed in a gutter. Get some help talk to a therapist, a friend, a trusted teacher, a life coach, your parents, your sibling. anyone! And if you don't have anyone in your life you can talk to you can message me and we can talk about what you're going through. I'm sure any other Hetalian on here would say the same thing. Bloggers are real people.
International suicide hotlines
Website to help you find a therapist in your own country and in your price range
I know I will more than likely get hate for posting this. Which is upsetting to just know is going to happen but someone needs to say this because it's getting kind of out of control these last couple months I feel.
if you read this through reblog it, spread it around let the people who NEED to see it see it.
#hetalia#this needs to be said#if you are offended here just know YOU are the problem#stop sending threats to people#stop attacking creators
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tw. rant beneath the cut.
with the amount of anti dark content posts going around i might just start trolling people because good god, even if i love arranged marriage au's do i have problems with it outside of fandom spaces.
maybe i should go out there with all that horrific bluster those users seem to hold and detail how people are problematic for liking arranged marriage au's. oh you like arranged marriage fluff? you're 'normalizing problematic content' then and thus, you deserve to be called out and mass reported.
'but it's not that problematic'
sweetie, most of my issues stem from the fact that my parents hated each other due to a forced marriage. i grew up in a country where marital abuse is normal. where men and women are forced to marry each other, either subtly or outright. i was almost sold off if i hadn't passed my 12th grade papers and any fucking report over it would have been met with an "aiyo putta but if you don't go to university then what will you do? getting married is the next best option, no?"
sure anna. i guess i'll just roll over and die then.
if you like arranged marriages as a trope, great! so do i! but there is a deep seated hypocrisy where some problematic tropes are accepted, especially in western spaces, because they are so disconnected from the issues these tropes entail. i'll be straight up. if you are not fond fictional incest, non con and other dark content, that's okay. we have preferences. filter your tags. curate your experiences. stay safe. real predators aren't so outright. i'm not a fan of incest myself and content with that stuff is blocked and ignored with little fuss.
but if you go about making whole callout posts for people who do, actively censoring and mass reporting their accounts instead of blocking and moving on, but then turn gush over an 'arranged marriage au fluff' with ayato then good god look at a mirror because you are not at a moral high ground for liking a trope with less moral implications in fics.
if you did care about people irl, you would be looking into it.
you would be renouncing a good chunk of 'acceptable fanfic tropes'.
you would be renouncing fanfic as a whole because it's just as fucking illegal as incest and smut and dark content. or need i remind you of the number of petitions people keep signing to stop the law from suing fandoms?
because a lot of these tropes? well they are still 'issues irl' as you so like to put it. i could get into the nitty gritty of arranged marriages in this country and how messy they can get. but i won't. i know you enjoying this trope is purely in a fictional set up, that you won't condone it in real life.
but you won't. you'll cherry pick what's okay with you. you'll keep screaming at the top of your voice. do it. you'll be blocked by most of the good creators on this site. you'll have your little space of haters and you can stay in that corner while we go about our lives and ignore you.
this is the first and last time i'm posting about this. i'm not keen on censoring any content.
#&&. rambles !!#tw. dark content#tw. disk horse#tw. discourse#tw. dark content discourse#fandom#anti censorship
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Sora: Expectations vs Reality (Coded vs KH1, CoM, and 3D)
Another Sora analysis because I can't help myself haha (help). But there's been a couple of posts that talked about this topic and it's really rewired my brain, so I also want to take a stab at it. I feel like this isn't something that's looked into/analyzed as much compared to other interpretations of KH's narrative, especially in terms of Sora, or at least I haven't seen it as much across platforms in a mainstream sense (though I do think it's been on the rise in recent times).
So if you're willing to bear with me, then get ready for another long post!
As the title indicates, and as mentioned, other people have brought up, Data-Sora creates an in-universe (and IRL) set of expectations for the actual Sora. While Coded is technically a rehash of KH1 and CoM's plot to an extent (hence its reputation besides its amazing gameplay), the point is to gather and present the stakes KH2, Days, and BBS introduced and set up what Sora's goals are going to be leading into 3D and 3.
The way it chooses to do so is to put a simulated Sora to the test, to see if he can "handle the hurt" and while he manages to do so, as many others have pointed out, Data-Sora's decision about remembering the pain to connect to others contradicts Sora's decision to forget at the end of CoM. Coded dictates that Sora can handle the pain of those within him and/or those who need to be saved. But 3D contradicts that as well. Many say that this indicates a potential point in Sora's development as a character and person, and while I agree, I want to focus on what has shaped him to this point in the first place. I must add, though, that Sora in 3, in terms of what he knows/is aware of by the end, understands a lot more than I've seen some people give him credit for, but this is another opinion in of itself.
Reading full-on long paragraphs might make this even harder to get through so I'll try to place some parts in bullet points (I get info-overloaded easily sometimes due to long paragraphs too ToT):
Coded, as said before, while initially having Data-Sora find/fix the missing/corrupted data in Jiminy's Journal (KH1 aspect), turns into a test to see if Sora can handle the "hurt" of the people he needs to save (CoM aspect).
Data-Sora proves he is willing to take on that "hurt" and can handle it. Which Sora by KH3/ReMind also manages to show.
But this neglects a few things about Sora's character before that point:
Data-Sora in the first part of Coded has guidance from Mickey, Donald, Goofy, and Data-Riku especially D and G who have experienced their KH1 development and are currently ride-or-die for him. The KH1 experience ends up being different for him.
Even though he fights Data-Riku, it can be chalked up to the bugs/possession rather than anything malicious, which contrasts with real Riku before the Ansem possession.
Data-Sora losing his keyblade happened due to Maleficent rather than Riku. Rather than Goofy and Donald leaving him, he's the one that storms off and even then they go after him.
When we get to the CoM portion, Data-Sora doesn't have his memories of what happened in the first half, hence he goes straight to Castle Oblivion without the KH1 experience (also he's initially guided by Mickey, Data-Riku, and Data-Roxas)
In this case, it's a test of strength rather than what happened in CoM where Marluxia and Larxene hoped to break Sora to make him their puppet.
Data-Sora went to the KH1 worlds in each room and was made to forget right after getting through each one
But Sora had his memories from even before the first game actively messed with, while also being made to believe that it was the real Riku attacking him. All of that happened without much guidance from anyone.
What this shows is that while Data-Sora is the ideal outcome of Sora's development, I think as a narrative that presents trauma (intentionally and unintentionally), it emphasizes what the real Sora has been through. Theoretically, had things gone differently for Sora, and he had a proper support system on these journies, he would have been able to make the "right" choice. But he didn't have that. He had to figure a lot of things out and had to pull himself through. In a way, it feels unfair to some extent and it creates the expectations vs reality aspect.
And I believe this comes to fruition in 3D:
Organization XIII successfully overwhelms Sora, his heart ends up breaking under the emotional stress of all the people he's connected to as he's pulled into deeper sleep.
It especially sucks considering that the Mark of Mastery Exam was actively messed with in an outright attempt to break Sora (again).
His failure of the exam makes sense considering he couldn't overcome the Darkness in this real-world application like Riku, but it leaves such a bitter taste, right?
(The logistics of the exam can be argued ngl. Isn't it wild that all cases of the exam we've seen have had an external force get involved and have irrevocable damage on the test takers? Taking lives and souls fr.)
So what we get is a failure of those expectations (at least initially). Reality is much more harrowing and vicious. And that's such an interesting thing to do narratively, it feels purposeful. It establishes a depth to Sora that isn't fully seen and even adds to the concept of Data-Sora being his own existence by extension. By KH3, Sora's low self-esteem is directly shown to us and stems from the reality of his journey. He has a lot of unaddressed scars and while the characters view him as a beacon of hope out of love and respect, many of us acknowledge how harmful that's been to him in the most specific ways.
I really, really hope that the upcoming games build on this and address it, because it'd be so satisfying to see all of this acknowledged and explored! It would feel fitting for Sora to go to Unreality and face the reality of himself.
(I'm sorry if this was incoherent, I'm bad at collecting my thoughts on the spot...I'm open to corrections and additional thoughts!)
#kingdom hearts#kh#kh sora#sora#character analysis#protagonists like sora are interesting because mainstream perspective can easily summarize them as the same-y typical shounen protag#but in my experience with deep-diving into character analysis for these kinds of characters there can be a purposeful (or not) case#placing them on pedestals (or hating them) in-universe and by the audience. and while not every series that does this explores it#time and time again people do notice it and i can't help but appreciate that.#many of these characters do have their own nuance and by being upbeat and/or simple-minded in general it gets pushed under the rug#purposefully or by flanderization/simplification#it's a fascinating phenomenon to contemplate and study in real time#yoroshiu analyzes
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it wouldn't surprise me that, despite sanji being the literal cook of the crew, he had an eating disorder (ofc trigger warning here for eds, child abuse, starvation and, y'know, sanji's background in general).
he experienced the most traumatic years of his life trapped inside a fucking cell, with a metal helmet around his head and only eating when his father let him. which was 'only when the kid needs it', probably. which leads to judge saying 'i couldn't even kill my son' and it can translate to 'at least i kept you alive'. and not to turn this into irl trauma, but abusive parents constantly use the 'keeping you alive and giving you food' excuse (the bare fucking minimum) to guilt trip you into thinking that they're good and that you're exaggerating how bad they treated you because, well, at least they kept you alive, didn't they?
so here, sanji sees food as a form of loving but in the sense of 'at least my dad didn't kill me. that's something'. so his vision towards food remains positive but only because of his mom. only because his love language is acts of service and his mom took everything he gave her, even if it was horrific, as a way of saying 'i love all of you. you're perfect because you tried and the fact that you brought me your food is enough to make me feel loved. you're not a mistake' despite his brothers and his father saying that he was, indeed, a mistake and weak for wanting to give food to others instead of just taking it for himself.
both ideas of 'someone who loves you wouldn't let you starve' and 'offering food to others is opening up your heart' coexist inside little sanji's brain.
so it wouldn't be crazy to think that, although sanji loves cooking and his best early memories of it are that book that kept him dreaming while he was locked up, and his mom's words, has a hard time eating food.
besides, sanji is used to giving, not taking. he's not selfish, but actually extremely generous to the point of forgetting about his own well-being. i don't think he actually thinks about how hungry he is until it hurts. until he needs it. he only ate whenever his father let him so he wouldn't starve, and the only thing that made him feel well about food was the fact that he could give it to the one he loved and needed it.
sanji doesn't have good experiences eating food, but only cooking it. it's a great representation of his personality as a whole, to be honest.
then the whole zeff thing happens, and he actually almost starves to death and learns what hunger feels like. but once again, zeff saves him and he's the one to be hungry for not letting the kid starve. which might seem similar to what judge did, but 'not letting you starve because i couldn't kill you' isn't the same as 'not letting you starve because i don't want you to die'. sanji learns the difference that day.
he didn't know somebody could be that kind. especially to him, someone who doesn't deserve it (he thinks he doesn't) because, in his house, love only came when you earned it.
and, you know, sanji's like that. sanji's selfless. sanji does everything for others. and so the guilt eats him up first. what zeff did is beautiful and amazing and we love him for it, but we don't know about how that affected sanji at a young age. which only makes him even more selfless and more of a better, kinder, generous person. and that might be bad, considering how little he thinks about himself already-
he learns that throwing away food is awful, and that you have to be grateful for being able to eat. grateful for living. so his don't-waste-food policy is obviously a big part of his personality due to almost dying of starvation and also owing his life to his dad (zeff, the real one, of course. fuck judge).
but that can almost be dangerous because refusing to waste food leads to forcing yourself to eat only because of his concept of what food means.
and then we have luffy in wci saying the whole 'i won't eat anything that you haven't cooked' which is precious and something very beautiful to say to your cook, but that only brings sanji back to 'starving is a form of loving' and 'you can't let someone you love starve'. and no matter how much he wants to force himself to push luffy away, he gives him food because he knows his captain will keep his promise.
sanji feels guilty, once again, but he ends up fixing it.
the thing is, after everything i've said, i don't think it would be weird to think about sanji viewing food as something external. something that isn't for himself. something that he only has control over because it's for others and not for himself, and it's a concept, a form of love, and not a need. because he does not feel hungry. when it comes to food, he feels responsibility and guilt and love... but never hunger.
hunger is, by all means, a form of selfishness sanji isn't used to unless his body is about to give up completely. he can eat out of pleasure and satisfaction and love for food, but he does it to train a selfless skill that may or may not also be selfish in the sense of 'wanting to be loved and useful'.
so here we have:
seeing food as a form of love because at least his dad wouldn't let him die, but he probably learned to push away the concept of hunger
seeing cooking as the most beautiful way of showing your feelings and efforts and taking care of people
not knowing the concept of hunger due to his own selflessness
scratch the first one, actually starving for others is a form of loving. he will never let the people he loves starve even if it means he dies in the process.
he can't waste food because that would be insulting and disrespectful. no matter the context.
and i'm just saying (and this whole thing is extremely self-indulgent and me projecting again and again) that it wouldn't be surprising to me if he had some issues when it comes to eating and making food for himself.
it's not that he thinks he doesn't deserve food, it's just the thought that he doesn't need it. going back to his past it could be seeing hunger as a form of weakness (not when it comes to others. never when it comes to others), both because of what his family taught him men should be like, and the fact that the manliest man he knows used starvation as a form of love.
so it's seeing hunger as something that makes you weak, but only when it comes to himself because of course, he wouldn't apply the same rules for him as for everyone else. he's just like that.
he thinks about others first, and himself second. always second. and the thought of eating and needing it only comes when it's too much. and when that time comes, the voices in his head tell him that he's weak. and again, i don't think he sees himself as undeserving of food because he has this whole thing about everybody deserving to eat. but he has never played with the same rules as the rest, always a few steps behind, so if he can't fight the thoughts in his head contradicting his morals, that's just how he is.
not to mention the 'don't waste food' part which also would make him feel guilty about not being able to eat if the thoughts of not deserving food and being weak for needing to eat become too much. he can't eat because he doesn't deserve it and because he's weak. and he can't starve, because that would mean wasting food.
so, you know, sanji is out of options here.
if some days sanji just casually decides not to eat- forgets to prepare himself a meal while his crew enjoys his food... that's just the way he is, isn't it? and if he lies about it, it's just another form of love, keeping them away from his problems.
besides, controlling hunger and controlling food is the only way he has to take control of his messy life. when something is out of reach, the unstoppable thing called life he has never been able to control, at least he can choose not to eat. he can choose to starve, this time, with the comfort of knowing he won't. he can choose not to eat this time, not like all of those times when food was controlling him instead.
at least the strawhats will never, ever, starve if he's around. but of course, nobody thinks about asking the cook if he wants to eat. that would be absurd. and it's impossible to think sanji would have some sort of issue with it! sanji, the cook, who keeps telling them not to waste food, not eating? that would be absurd and too selfless to make sense.
that's just the way he is.
#this headcanon is literally just me projecting my shit onto sanji ngl#*holds sanji gently* you've changed my life darling i love you so much please take care of yourself#why's he such a good person and why do people always treat him like shit i am violent#i swear all of this makes sense in my head#like he's a person who's always taking control of the situation only bc he feels like he can't control what he's feeling#and yknow feeling is for the weak and men aren't weak and yadda yadda yadda fuck the vinsmokes#his eating disorder is also heavily connected to his views in gender but that's for another day#tw eating disorder#sanji#black leg sanji#vinsmoke sanji#<- i hate this tag btw only using so it gets to more people bc i spent my time writing this ngl#red leg zeff#one piece#op
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Ok i try to keep private but. guys.... i think i have a fever kink... and if this ever gets traced to myself irl i might have to change my identity. heres a rant about my experiences and preferences just to get it out of my system so i can be productive again and stop thinking about it 😇
anyways! i think ive always been intrigued to fevers my whole life. I remember when i was younger, young enough to not know my age, I was playing doctor with my friend and I was taking my stuffies temperature. i remember just continuously adding on pens and sticks and anything i could find to make the thermometer longer because "the temp is too high! the thermometer is gonna burst!"
i also hated showing or telling ppl i was sick ever since i was young, like id always hide it if i was unwell, and i wouldnt tell my parents or friends and would desperately try to make it seem like i was fine
irl i have no interests in sick people or being sick. if one of my friends has a cold or is coughing i always try to keep my distance so i dont get sick either. lowkey sometimes if they r a bit too snotty or whiny i even get annoyed.. 😓😓 I only ever feel this way about characters through a screen, or through little daydreams and fantasies.
anyways, i lowkey dont know if its a sexual tjing or not (ofc not when i was younger), but its just always something that made my stomach then and my heart pound.
i found out abt this community (<3) when i was in my teens. one day i got a yt video in my recommended of one of those "animate my story" videos. the title was smthing along the lines of "im addicted to seeing other people in pain" and i was like "damn. ok lets see whats up!" and clicked it. in the video the guy describes fantasizing about his favourite characters being hurt and being taken care of, and how its never about real people and whatnot, and as little teenage me watched it, i realized "damn. fhis is fr me but with illnesses!" This was the first time ive ever found out there were others like me, so i immediately scrolled to the comments. unfortunately, literally everyone was liek "bro this dude is a freak..." and i was like "oh.. 😕😒" BUT THEN. this one commenter with a pink defualt yt profile pic said "hey :) ! this is actually called whump, and its more common than you think!" and i went WOAH. since then i searched up "sick fever" on google, found tumblr and fanfics and never looked back.
after seeing some of the #s on this site i definitely feel less alone now, but having a fever kink is still pretty uncommon right..? like i dont see anyone posting about it anywhere else except for the two sites a stated prior, and its not listed anywhere either (granted i havent looked very hard).
isnt it also just kinda weird- like even from an evolutionary standpoint... fever = infectious = bad = why would i wanna get closer and die..
regardless of reason, i just love a good sickness- fevers with flushed, hot skin, and chills and coughs. i also need a good temperature readings for the full experience, and i love all the descriptive diction about their health. im not a huge fan of descriptive puking or sinus related stuff, but im happy with it if it contributes to the fever plot-. ive also noticed over the years that its not simply just a cold- they need to be literally described/shown as flushed and sweaty. being "pale" or "green" AINT doing it for me 😡
anyways! yeah that was my rant :) wow thats long. in the unlikely event someone finds this lmk if u have an similar/different experiences, or if a younger me sees this hopefully they wont feel like such a weirdo and feel less alone
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Hi, old follower here from before you had 100 followers. I've got a semi serious question for you.
When I first followed you, I got the impression that you were a RP blog, in the case where you would RP with your "brother" (bettertwin9000), so I followed the rules as such. But later on it seems that this blog is your persona? In terms of everything said to this blog is a personal question to you? It's a weird situation where people asking those intrusive questions make sense for a RP blog, but in a normal blog situation it makes it intrusive.
Tldr, I think many are confused if this is an RP blog or you having Leo as your persona, so can you confirm what this blog actually is?
OMG HI LONG TIME FOLLOWER!!
And, for the sake of things making a little bit of sense, as much as sense as we can manage, keep in mind that we have OSDD, we're a system-
PUTTING IT UNDER CUT CAUSE IT'S LONG 😅
At the start of the blog <- in which we were advertising it as a roleplay blog, it was being run by our host and partially by me though I had no clue what I was doing at the time and bettertwin9000 was being run by our partner <- (which btw, made for some strange asks)
We continued advertising it as a roleplay even when we began suspecting and having full breakdowns over the idea of being a system due to some little things and some big things and lots of research and therapy and blah blah BUT we kept going back on it cause tbh DID is a hard thing to accept and we didn't want it <- still don't
SO now I was trying to run the blog more all the while trying to keep us grounded, IGNORING the possibility of DID and thinking, nah, this is just a really bad cause of delusions and we NEED to get reality checked NOW.
But I ALREADY KNEW i'm not REALLY Leo from rottmnt, but I am him, I was formed from that guy, created? Idk. He made me in his own image type reference audio. WOW IM NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING 😭😭 did I mention we have a tendency to overexplain <- but specifically for me in the case of explaining things that are hard to explain, ANYWHIZZLE.
We kept going back and forth, confirming and denying the conclusion "we have osdd" cause that's terrifying and while this was happening I was still trying to force us to post and interact and involve ourself in arcs for the sake of distraction from EVERYTHING happening irl and the blog kind of made it worse but in a light hearted way cause suddenly the asks became really gross, and I felt really gross.
Sure, maybe someone who was roleplaying Leonardo would have no trouble answering asks about dead relatives or near death experiences or villains that have physically harmed you and your 'siblings' or about my crippling inability to speak about feelings and whatever else people diagnosed me with on here but I was having trouble answering it, I was getting uncomfortable and I was feeling genuinely overwhelmed because everything that definitely would be great material for a roleplay account was making me just feel, bad. <- which wasn't great considering at the time, feeling bad was not something i could have been affording to do
SO at some point, I started putting boundaries, didn't explain why, just continued under the guise of hey, roleplay guy here, the intruvsive invasive asks about my family and my mental health and my anatomy is making me want to die so please stop andbonly ask fun stuff like idk, if i put salt in donnie's coffee sometimes and everyone was like, yes leonardo in unison.
Then I slowly started getting more adamant on pushing the narrative that I am LITERALLY Leo from the show cause pushing that seemed to really help with the questions, and then the roleplay blog became more like. A personal blog for some dude who happened to be a ninja turtle alter and it'd unfortunately gotten so out of hand that explaining this now kind of made us even more exhausted cause oh man, we might get fake claimed huh <- we had worse things to deal with, internet drama didn't need to be added to this.
Anyway, if you read through all that junk, i'm sorry 😭, but i think it helps explain why the impression of the blog is so confusing cause it was being run by two ppl, a host and an alter who were constantly trying NOT to be those things until pretty recently when we started accepting the fact that we have Osdd
SO TIMELINE.
The blog starts off as an rp blog by our host and I unbeknownst to us both
The blog is fun and we start gaining traction
We also start gaining more mental health problems and have a full breakdown multiple times on many different social medias
We push through to cope
We talk to the other blog runners who are systems <- (Mikey, Raph and at the time when their account was apart of this, April) and they kindly answer and guide us through some things
We start adding boundaries for my sake
We talk to other systems on other social media and they help us with more stuff
We talk to our therapist
We do a ton of research on top of old research we'd apparently already done before <- suddenly we have a long document with so much information
We tell no one about the discovery when we start accepting the possibility
More funny stuff ensue and personal life things happen <- #ONLYTHEREALONESKNOW!
The only announcement I ever make that i'm an alter are one off comments in tags or answers that I never address again until I make an intro post that says I'm an alter in a system
The blog is what now?
The blog is still a roleplay account. Sometimes, canceled arcs that we would have done would have been considered roleplay <- a canceled christmas arc. But usually, this is just a blog. Like, this is just a blog I use to entertain people and to get some of my thoughts out like a singlet would. It's both i guess, it's whatever I want it to be and whatever you guys consider it to be.
The blog is just, my blog, I don't know how else to explain it 😅😅
Also, Bettertwin9000 was pretty much going through the same thing at the time and fun fact, he is actually my "brother" cause he's a Donnie alter <- (yay!)
Shoutout to the host who has their own blogs that they never really post on! couldn't have done it without you! <- and the many kind individuals who gave us their research material and links and answered our questions and stuck w/ us through the most confusing part of OUR LIFE
Srry again if this didn't answer your question like at all by the way, i THINK it at least explained some things but you know 😭 SORRY IDK
#do i wanna use fandom tags#maybe#can other systems validate us btw cause i'll be honest I still think we are faking this#if anyone had similar experiences it'd be cool to read it#did osdd#osdd 1b#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#unpause rise of the tmnt#rise of the tmnt#rottmnt donnie#rise donnie#disaster twins#leo rottmnt
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...re: your tags on the WFA Jason crowbar incident -- might one be directed to your referenced essay?
Since it's been a min, here's the DC meta post this ask is referencing.
I thought it was on my blog, but I haven't been able to find the essay in the weeks since this ask came in? It might have been a tag rant more than the proper essay I thought I had posted. Or I might have been thinking of a broader and more general essay on the current trauma in fanfic portrayal, which I have definitely posted on this blog somewhere and in several friends' inboxes.
The gist of the essay is that a) fandom as a whole has a tendency to treat panic attacks/flashbacks as the Only and Right Way to experience trauma, even though that's by far not universal and b) will apply this even to characters who have canon trauma and show specific trauma reactions!
With Jason Todd in WFA having a Crowbar Sound Flashback, it's a perfect microcosm of both! The problem, therefore, isn't necessarily WFA being Uniquely Terrible and Inaccurate; WFA just exclusively plays with a lot of softball, fandom-popular tropes, so it remains popular even and especially with people who aren't super familiar with the canon. And because WFA thrives on softball, popular tropes, of course it's going to pick up on the Best Way To Write Trauma.
The essence of the problem is actually the way trauma symptoms in fanfic are homogenized to the most palatable, most sympathetic reaction guaranteed to woobify even the most hardened crime lords and war criminals: a panic attack. But not ANY panic attack! Specifically the hyperventilating on the floor, curled up in a ball kind of panic attacks! (Characters who lash out in anger when they're scared? Characters who shout mean things? Not anymore! Now they're hyperventilating on the floor and they need tender care and possibly a hug.) The momentary full helplessness is integral to creating a miniature h/c journey for the characters (panic –> helplessness –> rescue –> bonding).
Panic attacks actually have a pretty wide range of symptoms! Sometimes they're focused more on derealization reactions or heart racing (loads of people irl end up in the ER thinking they're having a heart attack, when it's actually a panic attack).
This specific portrayal of trauma as panic attacks is, I think, most egregious with characters who would actually fucking die if they had this exact trauma response. E.g., Jason Todd, who infamously both commits crimes and fights them. If he has a panic attack at every scum bag who waves a crow bar at him, he's probably getting beaten to death with a crowbar again. If even one of his regular criminal contacts or enemies catches wind that he has a crowbar panic attack weakness, he's dead! And this could be played for drama in this kind of fanfic, but it never is. (Because drama isn't the point, quick and dirty h/c is.)
Distilling his trauma about dying into panic attacks dismisses his entire history and canon trauma response (rage and vengeance and trying a completely different tactic from Batman to better the city of Gotham when the Red Hood is being a good guy and not just being a crime lord for profit). Here is a solid discussion on how Jason reacts to his own death (I'm new here and this essay is already long lol, I'm not citing whole comics runs or anything myself), with a great addendum from Ragnarok-hound in the tags on the Doylist reasons for why the canon goes over Jason's death again and again anyway.
The problem further stems from everyone learning panic attack symptoms from a combination of personal experience (which for the AO3 crowd in the shippy tags does not as often include people with uh combat or crime experience) and actual mental health web resources, so any panic attack scene reads like it was written by someone between high school and college age checking off a list of psych textbook panic attack symptoms. So it makes sense why they would go with the thing that is easiest to write for them and stick with the approved symptoms they know will garner the most sympathy from the audience and, importantly, other characters in the scene. E.g., to return to bullying WFA's portrayal, having Bruce arrive to tell Jason everything will be okay and fix everything.
(I think ymmv more on Bruce portrayals, depending on Your Preferred Batman, whether that's the corresponding era of comics with Red Hood, the animated series, or some campy/classic live action Batman portrayal, but one thing that is pretty consistent in every Batman media is that he's not fucking great at feelings, so even with a generous reading, WFA simplifies a lot of fraught history between Jason and Bruce here. Further, I could write an entire second essay on how bystanders in fanfic always have the perfect response, to either use the right therapy speak and handle a panic attack perfectly or hug the person to help them calm down or what have you, but this is long enough as it is. To be brief, though: sometimes, especially in a situation like Jason and Bruce's, it's perfectly normal to see someone panicking and then also panic and fuck things up even worse! It's also common to feel frustrated or tired of seeing someone panic over the same thing! Like I know fanfic and WFA are wish fulfillment, but like. There's a lot of nuance and basic trauma understanding missing here.)
And that brings us to another point, which is that PTSD triggers don't necessarily manifest as anxiety disorders and textbook panic attacks. I mean, this feels obvious, but there are a lot of ways to experience PTSD! and that's the thing about Jason Todd! He has trauma, not an anxiety disorder! While panic attacks as the default and most common trauma reaction are very common in fanfic, it's not like even the top most common trauma trigger reaction? And it's weird that it's everywhere like this. Trigger responses have a wiiiiide range, e.g., nightmares, lashing out (the Netflix Jessica Jones show was especially good at this actually! Billy Hargrove on Stranger Things is a fucking perfect example too), dissociation (The Raven Cycle books do a great job with this, and then the fanfic forgets that it happened entirely), or simply activating one's fight or flight instinct (and we've seen with Jason, it's often a fight instinct!). There are probably also loads of Batman comics exemplifying each of these variations, but a) as stated I'm new here, I don't have comprehensive citations for every character (yet) and b) I really want to illustrate how fanfic specifically keeps sticking to one particular portrayal in a way that most canons don't.
Jason Todd can be easily written as having a Specific Traumatic Incident (dying hideously via crowbar) or having complex PTSD (little daily bullshit! you can do an entire deep dive on complex PTSD resulting from poverty, homelessness, and regular repeated exposure to violence as a child e.g. by being Robin, which is not even getting into the stuff you can gather from popular hc/later retcons about his mom's drug use or how his dad's working for Two Face and getting sent to prison might have affected him; another example it's a common hc that he's straight edge because of what drugs may or may not have done to his mom depending on the canon you're working with, but I don't see a lot of people writing him with the corresponding control issues that often pair with that). There are a lot of options is what I'm saying.
WFA choosing to double down on the sound of a crowbar scraping (when also like he's the one using a crowbar for actual mechanic things in this scene, he's probably used to a variety of metal scraping sounds, okay I'm nitpicking here again) over any of the more complex trauma under his belt is very lazy writing. They're distilling his entire history to one specific sound that causes a very targeted panic response, which I know. Is the format. That's how WFA works, it's not supposed to be deep, but this is again, a pattern I keep seeing again and again in fanfiction (to bully another fandom: Stranger Things fans insisting that Steve Harrington is afraid of his own swimming pool when the canon strongly contradicts that; he's swim team captain for 3 years running after this AND that's actually Nancy's trauma reaction, not Steve's).
Again, the problem isn't necessarily specifically with WFA or people who enjoy it or with h/c. But, yeah, the crowbar scraping sounds panic attack is a huge disservice to Jason's character, and it's like a ubiquitous pattern of writing trauma in recent years.
#since we know each other from atla fandom#I was going to add a whole bit about how atla fandom doesn't do this#perhaps because a lot of atla fanworks predate this trend of trauma writing in fan spaces#but then I remembered like 80% of my atla fandom knowledge was just rereading burning bright#and burning bright is exactly the kind of character study deep dive that's the antithesis#of simplifying a blorbo's trauma into a quick panic attack/hug/reconciliation and we've talked about feelings like we've been to therapy#instead of a good chunk of the batfam rogues being mental health professionals#dc#dc meta#Jason todd#sorry to anyone who really likes wfa or finds this kind of trauma portrayal deeply meaningful#you're valid too. but it's everywhere and I'm tired of seeing it slapped willy nilly onto characters it doesn't fit.#mine#trauma#ptsd#mental health
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Feel free to just read this and delete it, I don't need a response.
Re: your recent post about noncon/underage content in fandom spaces, specifically in CoD:MW.
It's not an individual's place to police what Fanfiction or Fanart people create. The characters are fictional. The death, torture, and destruction in CoD fics are also fictional. In no country is murder "okay" either, but people die in Fiction all the time. There's a specific tag on Ao3 that authors can and should put on their works if the work features Under-Age or noncon content. You can filter out that tag and not read it.
I don't read them, certainly, bc that's not the kind of story I'm interested in reading, but it doesn't mean it's my right to tell authors to stop writing it. I don't read fics involving daddy kink bc it squicks me out like hell, but it is not my place to tell authors to stop writing fics with it. Fictional characters can't break irl laws, even in "reader insert" fanfictions. Authors are not and cannot be held accountable for the things they write, because they write fictional stories.
I recommend you block the users and tags you don't want to see, and you help encourage the creators you do want to see without insulting others. Your experience will improve. I want it to improve. I don't want you to be unhappy with your experience in any fandom. Fandom spaces are places to find your people, find your little joys, and to coexist peaceably, and it's wonderful when it all works.
With all due respect, you're well spoken, but that's where my respect ends
Let's do this in points
I am not policing what people write. I simply stated how i feel about certain content on the internet.
If you think writing character death or death in general is the same or equal to writing pornographic content about children, you're too far gone.
Once again, you try to dumb down pedophilia into something less than what it is. The things about daddy kinks are two consenting adults who are not getting off on the manipulation and r*pe of children.
Like I said in my previous post, I don't care about your laws or that 'fictional characters' can't break them. I believe that pedophiles are the absolute scum of the earth, and I have no positive feeling when I think of those horrid and disgusting people.
Also, I want to make this very clear. I don't care if you write weird, illegal things like vore or kidnapping on the internet, I only care about the children, and I wish nothing but the worst on anyone who wishes harm on them mentally, physically, and sexually.
I know it may seem hypocritical for me to be okay with certain things on the internet and not okay with other things but I am my own person and I'm allowed to have my own moral compass. And I find no reason why anyone should be okay with this type of content being allowed on the internet.
I know that blocking them and moving on about my day would be the socially acceptable thing to do. But I don't have to be content with the media people consume on the internet. I also have a platform, and I feel strongly about this, so I'm gonna speak out on it.
I know I might sound a bit extremist on this matter, but that's exactly how I feel, I care so deeply about children and their future, and well-being. That I will commit war crimes to make sure they're safe
Also next time you write something think what's the point, if the point is defending pedophiles then you're probably on the wrong side.
#call of duty#call of duty mw2#cod#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#ghost#john soap mactavish#john price
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