#myself. /neg

[absolutelyzoned]

im gonna talk about some of my personal shit here feel free to ignore ❗💪🔥🔥 there might be triggering stuff in here i dint know what but yeagh scroll past if you dont wanna read avout me issues

gonna be honest i fuckinf hate being alive sometimes just because no one (my family) actually teues to help me with anything like they just point shit out and make fun of me for doing things i vsnt control. like im always told "you can't control what other people do but you can always choose how you react!!" no i fucking can't??? i can't make myself not get annoyed by every little sound and i can't deal with constant talking over each other and all the fucking noise because they genuinely make me want to die . that sounds really fucking dramatic i know but i cant help it?? i used to bite an scream and scratch my brothers when i was younger because they were making noises i didn't like just to annoy me and it was my fault because "i could have asked nicely" or "they're not hurting anyone" but i csbt do that anymore because im not a fucking kid anymore and ive been punished for "being mean" and shit like that so many times to the point where i have to resort to cutting myself and scratching my fucking skin off because i can't control the way other people act and no one fucking listens when i say that it really bothers me . abd that's just NOISES dude. i get mad so fucking easily over "small" things that are out of my control but i literally can't help it . and i can't do anything about it cause like. i just can't. which is why i hurt myself, but when i do that and im not careful my mom finds out and only punishes me more and makes it seem like its all my fault and im just being dramatic. but when i DO try to talk about things im either just shoved off or met with "mhm" and "oh. okay" and its like they dont even fucking care. like why were you shocked when i told you ivr tried to kill myself??? okay actually what the fuck is wrong with me maybe i am just being dramatic

[lastoneout]

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

Edit: If everyone could please take a minute and think about what it must feel like to be struggling and then have multiple strangers say to your face that they find the prospect of going through what you're going through so horrifying that they'd rather kill themselves and then stop leaving comments like that I would greatly appreciate it.

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

[gffa]

Disney, hire me as your Attachment Advisor, I will shove so many George Lucas quotes at your producers and writers, I will shove so many context-laden clips from the movies and TCW at your creatives, I will make powerpoint essays about how it's more Buddhist-aligned, not Attachment Theory-aligned, I will cite literally every time attachment has ever been discussed by Lucas AND in the show itself and show you that it's always aligned with fear, possessive feelings, and selfishness, I will do this work for you for free, I can even literally just point you to my Jedi Citations collection, DISNEY, HIRE ME AS YOUR ATTACHMENT ADVISOR, I CAN HELP YOU.

[scared2d3ath]

★† Type 0 Negative †★

[theenbyroiderer]

Finally started on the embroidered center part of my moss wall project. Been house sitting for my mum and thus existing in internet-free limbo for a while, so you get some progress pics all at once now that I have a spot of internet.

Also, wth am I doing full cover turkey stitch again? I should know better. Like the effect of the words emerging from the moss though.

[ajwalkerartblog]

them!!! they!!!!!

[palmtreepwr]

ok on a more serious note this is actually crazy and im fully aware this is a hoyo game, so yes, "what were you expecting" is a valid statement but holy shit this happening AGAIN is just frustrating and a huge slap in the face. how are you going to take inspiration from a culture that is incredibly diverse and broad with its people, and make the characters that mirror these individuals the color of my fucking palm... come through rare beauty shade 140c

[heybaetae]

taehyung bothering loving yeontan cr. namuspromised

[hoofpeet]

Potentially weird habit but. When I get really fixated on an oc/blorbo or whatever I get embarrassed thinking cringey shit "In front of" them. Like ah fuck I was cringe in front of my imaginary fursona. shit

[aropride]

[kqluckity]

dream pisses me off so much, those people "collabed" on your server because tommy came to you and was like "could you add this person?" "could you add my friend?" AND DREAM HIMSELF HAS SAID THIS!!! quackity, tubbo, purpled, philza, techno, niki, jack, schlatt? all added because tommy asked. they are part of the reason the smp got so big you can't take credit for them being there and the server wouldn't have been 1/4th of what it was without them. fuck off.

[sleepsucks]

[ender1821]

im a child of divorce

[adhbabey]

Let's talk about some lesser known symptoms of autism! Maybe this will help some of you get a broader perspective on what this can be like. There is a whole grab bag of symptoms of autism, but here are some ones you may not know that you have.

Focus on truth

What does this mean? Well glad you asked. This is the focus on facts and logic rather than anything else. People have shown this as autistic people may refusing to lie because it goes against what they find as true. But that's not always the case.

Have you ever used logic to try and figure out your emotions?

Are you someone who doesn't understand why others may speculate when the current knowledge is right there? (such as subtext versus canon knowledge or theoretical arguments)

Do you find it frustrating when others avoid their problems as a way to avoid figuring out negative things? (such as avoiding conflict in a friend group)

Is it easy for you to talk about your strengths and flaws? Do you know your likes, dislikes and limits pretty well?

High context communication

This is preference on details and the full context of any situation. Often going into great detail and backstory to anything.

Do you feel as though you need to overexplain to give the person everything they need to know?

Have you ever apologized to someone by explaining the deep and meaningful reasons of why you did it, before you said you were sorry? And maybe even felt upset or confused why they reacted badly?

Have you ever felt stressed out because you wanted to give others full detail but they either interrupted you or cut you off?

Are you stressed out by people who tell you what to do and not why they want you to do it?

Are you ever told that you talk back a lot?

Do you prefer recipes versus verbal/vague instructions? (All the things that you need such as ingredients, measurements, prep time, etc.)

Do you really like watching deep dives and knowing about the whole history of something you're even vaguely interested in?

Identity diffusion

This is not everyone's experience, and it is common in a variety of other disorders such as DID and BPD. However, it is when you do not know who you are in regards to others. This is also known as identity disturbance.

Have you ever felt like an outsider without knowing why?

Are you deeply interested on what other people think of you? Especially if it's all the time?

Do you really like taking personality tests and quizzes? Are you interested in horoscopes?

Do you feel like you don't fit in any one specific group? Either being a loner, or hopping in between many different groups?

Do you ever feel weirder than the "weird kids" group? Do you not really get along or feel like you belong with them?

Do you have low self esteem when it comes to comparing yourself to your friends? Do you feel like they're better or more capable than you?

Do you feel drastically unimportant and not as interesting or cool as everyone else?

Have you ever related to narratives surrounding a character that is the last of their kind?

Do you feel like your identity is a vast and gaping void, that even if you learn a little bit, that you'll never know everything?

Internalized repetition

This is one of those traits that not every autistic person experiences, but that some might. You could say that for all autistic traits, but hey, good to know regardless. Because of internalized repetition, you may not do many external stims, besides vocal.

Do you listen to a song over and over again? Perhaps having a playlist on repeat?

When stressed out, do you type the same word or phrase over and over again?

Do you like looking at the same things, such as the same color or the same artist's works?

Do you really like certain patterns, crystals or aesthetics?

Do you enjoy games with recognizable fighting patterns? (Such as character rotation, boss battle rotation, etc.)

Struggling to connect to others *

This is something that's been characterized by struggling to connect to others through their emotions, but the opposite is actually true for many autistic people. *I will be talking about those who struggle to connect to others who are emotionally distant or unavailable. Being emotionally distant or not showing emotions externally is a trait that many autistic people share, but for those without alexithymia, they may struggle to understand why anyone wouldn't like to talk about their emotions. I don't know the specific symptom term for this, so please bare with me. If anyone would like to inform me about what this is called, please tell me.

Do you struggle to talk with dry texters, or tend to over-examine people's tone through text?

Do you have anxious attachment?

Do you feel disconnected with many other autistic people and struggle to make friends or talk to them?

Do you feel embarrassment or shame with being emotionally sensitive?

Have you fallen down the rabbit hole of things like starseeds, star children or empaths?

Do you want to talk about serious emotions a lot, even when its not appropriate?

Do you trauma dump or wish people would become more emotionally intimate with you? Do you enjoy it when people share their deep traumas with you, even if it's triggering?

Are you constantly reassurance seeking?

There is plenty more symptoms out there, and these are just a few that stood out to me, because I think I may be autistic. I've always related somewhat, but never connected the dots. But there are reasons for that, such as identity diffusion and thinking I'm different from everyone else no matter what. I struggled because I didn't seem to have a lot of the outward and visible symptoms that were often talked about. I thought every autistic person had alexithymia, when that's just not true. My best friend, who has similar symptoms to me, along with another close friend of mine, have a similar presentation of autism. And it's taken quite a bit for me to accept or process. I feel like I'm faking my experiences just because I've self diagnosed before. And I'm angry that ADHD isn't given enough significance.

But I think I might be autistic, and this article that I based this post off of, confirmed it. So here's my post informing and coming out on that. You can be autistic and highly masking without actually knowing what's going on is masking. You can be autistic and have a spectrum of verbality, you can be autistic and struggle to connect to anyone who isn't immediately emotionally intimate with you. You can be autistic and not relate at all to other autistic people.

You're not alone.

[justfeelme]

I just want kill myself but i’m scared. I guess i’m just coward…