#my teachers are so fucking tired of me
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uuuUUGHGHGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
#vents 🌧️#I'm so fucking MAD#I've been seeing SO many fucking valentines day drawings today and I wanted to join in so badly#but I have my stupid fucking homework#and my mom said that if I get my homework done I can have 'a few minutes' of time#A FEW FUCKING MINUTES#yeah. great. so I can make a shitty doodle that nobody bothers to interact with#on the ONE fucking day I was hoping to get some attention#is that selfish? yeah it absolutely is. but I don't care. everybody's so fucking sick of me in real life#is it so bad that I want everyone to see me here? everyone to tell me how good I'm doing#I just want people to tell me I'm doing a good job#I'm failing all my classes in school. I have a terrible social life. I fall asleep constantly and I'm never fun to be around irl#all my parents do is nag me to do the homework I have no willpower to do and yell at each other outside my door#I'm doing a really shitty fucking job in real life. maybe if I got some imaginary fucking internet points I'd feel a little better#I don't care if it's selfish. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel admired. I want everyone to see me and think I'm doing so good#I've got nothing else. art's the last thing I'm good at. it's so fucking over for me. this is it.#it's rock bottom isn't it? my meds still aren't working. my dad is relentless in his anger. my mom is at her wits end#my friends at school give me maybe half of the love I give them if I get really lucky#my teachers are so fucking tired of me#who the fuck gives a shit anymore. this all feels so fucking pointless#who cares about regents or sats or college or jobs or anything. that's it. I give up. this is it for me.#I don't know how it's supposed to get better.#I'm so fucking sorry. I'm liveblogging an absolute spiral on here. I'm so sorry#if you read all the way down to here.. I'm not in trouble. I'm not going to do anything bad. you don't have to worry about me.#I'm just. so. tired.#I should probably delete this later.
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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Birds of Prey issue 75 has two stories and one of them has to play damage control both literally for the loss of the Clocktower but also figuratively for why the hell would Barbara Gordon do that? The answer is whoever was writing Batman at the time had her do it while Batman was fighting Black Mask in the Clock Tower. I can only imagine how infuriating the decision was, and judging by Simone's writing in this issue I'm almost certain it was made without consulting her at all. The first three pages are wordless, Oracle, Black Canary, and Huntress all have nothing to say as they watch in silent vigil the remains of the Clock Tower being contained by the Fire Department. Then the obligatory page where Simone has to explain why the character she's been writing made such a rash, out of character decision: because she was worried about Bruce.
If it makes you upset that's cause it was meant to. It's purposefully falling into the trope of a woman character making a sacrifice to aid the leading man. Not just that, but Simone takes it a step further by having Barbara make herself the damsel in distress. It reads as "oh this is what you meant by making the character I've been writing do that. So I'm just going to say that out loud so it's clear to everyone else."
Then after the obligatory damage control flashback we get the Birds of Prey all together, Huntress and Black Canary are comforting their leader, teammate, and friend. Here's where Simone twists the knife a bit more, having Barbara talk about the things we don't see when things like this happen in comics. What the characters really lose when they make sacrifices like this: old costumes, family photos, a place to sleep. Memories that are now without their talismans for recall. Now these exist only in the mind and in the past.
And then one more page of group healing and it's back to work. Simone doesn't waste time or pages cleaning up the mess another writer made with her character. She uses exactly as much as she needs while also making those moments linger. She wants you to know how this makes her characters, and herself feel, but she isn't going to give the other writer the satisfaction of making the entire story a reaction issue.
It's really a testament to how much Gail Simone cares about the agency of women both on and off the panel.
#chatterboxhead#birds of prey#birds of prey 75#oracle#barbara gordon#helena bertinelli#huntress#dinah lance#black canary#this is kind of an essay lol#the real “woke agenda” of Gail Simone birds of prey is to make me write long blog posts on tumblr about sexism in the comics industry#anyway Gail Simone sweep#I need to just get my pull list going already so I can start getting those uncanny x-men issues#like it probably won't be a Gail Simone as scrappy as she was during Birds of Prey but like idc it's still Gail Simone she fucking rules#I have yet to read a book of hers that I didn't like#ALSO I KNOWWW BARBARA IN THE ORACLE ROLE IS AN OSTRANDER/YALE CREATION AND NOT A GAIL SIMONE ONE#i just got tired of typing “the character she was writing” over and over#like for all intensive purposes during the birds of prey run these are HER characters like how students are teachers' kids
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Btw the wheel was originally invented for pottery. All that “transportation” bullshit came after.
it’s all about the clay baby
#spook speaks#yes this is about the dead tired fic I’m writing#also shoutout to my college ceramics teacher who taught me that#he’s so fucking cool it’s unreal#worlds most epic old guy
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I think I’m starting to burn out
#worked alottt yesterday and did a shit job giving a little presentation to parents and families for curriculum night#didn’t get home til after 8 from the school#teacher development day today so all the teachers get time to prep but as the art teacher I’m forced to work childcare/babysit all day#not like I need to prep lessons it’s fine#and then I go to my second job 9-2am tonight#I can’t wait to sleep all fucking day tomorrow and have a little self care weekend#was so excited to have Monday off too but now my second job wants me to come in to do a narcan and de-escalation training so#I’m just so tired#mine
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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<- god's wettest most pathetic most stressed most anxious beast btw
#i have a flight in 2 days and i hate airports they stress me out so much too many people *vine boom*#i lost my driver's license last month so i'm gonna have to get through the tsa without legal photo ID *vine boom*#the flight takes off at 7am meaning im gonna have to wake up at like 4 to get there *vine boom*#it also means i need to stay the night tomorrow with some family friends i barely know *vine boom*#so i need to do laundry and email teachers and shit Tonight *vine boom*#my ride busted a tire and got stranded in the middle of nowhere so now i have to worry abt his safety and also find a new ride *vine boom*#AND I'VE GOT A FUCKING LAB DUE TOMORROW#so now im just doing homework and daily tasks and whatnot walking around all chill like i dont feel like the most stressed being alive#conclusion: oh shit the Creature is back
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please send me asks if you see this literally everything is SO shitty in my life rn i need a distraction so bad
#i’m actually on the verge of a full on mental breakdown#my mom and one of my sisters aren’t speaking#another one is having major issues planning her wedding#another one is having friend issues at college#i can’t pass my precalc class#my teacher literally won’t teach me#i don’t know anything#i barely care anymore#i’m so fucking tired#my dog keeps reinjuring herself#i’m extremely fucking done with life#stranger things#byler#chappell roan#taylor swift#mike wheeler#stranger things 5
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Dread be dreading
#ughg#i usually have awful thoughts randomly popping up here or there#make me pretty anxious for a few days then i won't think about them for a while#but man i can't handle doubts suddenly resurfacing#like this monday i was listening to my last lecture and everything bad i cooked up a in the past few months hit me like a truck#couldn't even focus i was too busy internally chanting shit fuck i don't want this i made a huge mistake shit shit#i won't be able to handle all this responsibility i'm so tired this will butcher my mental health should have chosen media studies fuuuck#what was i thinking what am i gonna do help#then proceeded to distract myself with an electric outlet otherwise i might have started crying#:/#and those thoughts aren't wrong unfortunately#i love this university and the classes and the things i study#the teachers and my classmates and the kids i got to take care of#but i don't think i could do this for real#i'm not even struggling with anything i'm just scared and tired as hell#and thought i could just. power through it- like if i'm stubborn enough it won't matter that it's draining#but damn#and hell originally i came here because i wanted to teach english to kids#i guess my expectations were too high i don't feel like i've learned anything that useful this far#and turns out it won't get better#we just gonna do presentations again#to be fair i loved researching nursery rhymes but i hoped we would have... more. of that#also about media studies. chief... i crave to be there#could have picked the english specialization there too- i'm a moron. a bozo. holy shit#well. gonna go through this semester either way. because again everything i study here (almost everything) is genuinely great and useful#and perhaps i'm just in a Pit right now#the dread pit#should probably break this to my sister. somehow#random squeak
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I'm home,,,,,,,,
#🤖.txt#Can you believe. That it took me 3 hours to get there and the teacher just didnt show up KDJDHDHD#I waited for a few hours and then decided to just go home early. I lived !!!!#I'm so fucking tired😭😭😭 i didnt really sleep last night and only slept for 4 hours the day before#Also i had one of the worst bus experiences i ever had. It was so. full and i was being crushed the whole ride. my phone screen crackedJFJF
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made the mistake of crying in front of my dad and got hit with the
- you're naive for expecting decency from the world around you
- you have everything you could need, why cry about anything
- other people's behavior is not your problem (re: classmates were so loud I couldn't hear the lecture I waited for four hours to attend)
- there is no reason to be tired at your age
#jesus christ dad just let me feel stressed and tired and upset#inciting incident is my class of 22 year olds behaving worse than middle schoolers#but i think the collective stress of the last year is getting to me#“tired after spending 8 hours at uni? how will you work 36 hour shifts as a doctor?” I DONT KNOW I DONT FUCKING KNOW#doctors get time off at least#being a student is endless work. there is no home life and work life#i spend all fucking day studying and in class then come home and have to study some more#i gave away all my summers since i was 14 to take extra classes and raise my gpa#all to get into a good college with a scholarship AND THEN had it snatched away from me#to be forced to live in this fuckasss country with no values no morals no decency#my father believes in nothing and no one but himself and i dont know how but he's happier for it#he expects less than nothing from the world around him and yet#im the one in the wrong for wanting good teachers and classmates that behave themselves#im so fucking sick of this i hate college i am so tired
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen#hi guys#got another load of trauma from school#and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now#had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way#I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much#I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM#I have no adults I can go to about this#whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind#whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears#she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly#when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt#the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you#I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her#the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities#I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since#vent tw#trauma tw#listen to my gibberish boy#ggod I hate this school
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#personal#sometimes i wish i knew what it was like to be someone people want to talk to#or at least had students who could listen to what i say for just five minutes#god i hate yelling then they say thats all i do when if i talked normally no one fucking listens#then i take it way too hard when they say they dont like me when at least i stepped up to take their class#a class that had already ran off one teacher#but no im too useless because i actually make them do work and tried to have rules#last year was hard but at least i felt fulfilled by the end of the year with all my classes#i have never craved the end of the year so much or as much as i have this year#its not even both classes either its just this one that makes me dread working with them as much as they apparently hate me#sadly i can understand why their teacher left#and i know im not the best replacement since im learning how to teach them as they learn from me#but im just tired#its only a month left but i am so ready to never see any of them again#but depression does as it does and makes me question if im even good enough to get another job#one actually teaching my correct subject that i love#i hope like hell that i get a job and one i really want because i dont want to have to come back to this school#*it has the most substitute jobs#i dont like being loud even if no one believes me i dont like being mean though i know when i have too i just dont feel good enough#if i was i think i would have a job by now i mean im 28 and its been 5 schools in 5 years#sorry being sad on main#if you read this#thanks
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#tw vent#I am so. so tired#this week hit me like a freight train#I have final coursework to hand in in less than a week and I'm stressing because I was most definitely not given enough time to do it#and everything inside me is telling me I'm going to fail and I'm pretty sure my teachers think so as well#all my friends are high achievers who always get high grades and put their soul into their work and then there's me. Constantly failing#I try so hard but no matter what I do I never make any progress and I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck here#and that eventually my friends will move on academically and maybe socially and I'll be left behind and feel like a scared kid again#I can't go outside for a walk to try and calm myself down because I fucked up my ankle#so I'm sat here in my room surrounded by work I can't seem to even escape for a second#I just wanna explode#I'm getting to the point where I'm just being unproductive because all I do is sit in bed and rot#and if I'm not doing that I'm at work or at school#and of course I can't even sleep. I can't even rest for a moment#this is shit man#so utterly shit#mel's thoughts
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