#my swagless little man

[vranias]

والله قلبي ماني ناسي i swear my heart has not forgotten

#1. Galbi - Saint Levant

[bmpmp3]

and another thing about vocal synth fans: we will always find some adult male voicebank to turn into a funny little clown for our amusement. some guy to communally bully in our talkloids, the miserable straightman to the shenanigans, the sad little freak punchline to our jokes. it happened to kaito. it happened to gakupo. it happened genbu. it even happened a bit to kevin (although he seems to have looped around somehow). and it will happen to you too, frimomen. it will happen to you too.

[boyslit]

so the new war was. fun. i definitely didn’t panic my way through the boss fights or anything. :D

i wish i’d played it on my computer though bc I have clip recording set up and op being all ??!??!?!??! while drifter’s just casually waiting for him to decide was extremely funny and i wish i could have a little gif of him making silly think faces

[relicsongmel]

I would fuck the shit out of Sylvia's dad if I'm being honest

[cochineal-leviat]

Siffrin Doodles

Some sketches I made to practise drawing Siffrin. He's very expressive! I adore how multifaced he is and how well he fits in with the silent protagonist while still talking and making meaningful choices in the game. ISAT delves into why the protagonist is quiet and, oh boy, mood. I would also rather let other people talk and just listen to them.

And my favourites doods of the bunch in full HD, jk.

POV: You're Isabeua.

(small spoilers) I absolutely adore the scene when Isabeau confesses his feelings for Siffrin. But I also imagine that after everything Siffrin went through, they will look tired AF. Let this dude rest! Still, Isabeua is going to see Siff's beauty because that man is hopelessly head over heels for them. They could walk out covered in trash, with the most manic grin on his face after rummaging through the garbage for a specific bauble, and Isa would still think Siff is charming.

(Fair to him, Siffrin is pretty)

Idk, I like his smile. The profile art Siffrin differs from the art sprites for when they think or talk. It's a shame we don't get to see their confident smile more often.

Food. If you know, you know and if you do - that mid game scene made my heart melt. Now, when I think of it and the other special events, there is just a sour curdle in my stomach.

Just straight up the surprise portrait. Of all my favourites (the smug smirks and the absolute happiness sprites) - The surprise portrait stuck with me the most. It's very versatile!

Swagless, absolutely incontestably - swagless. No idea if people still use swag, but swagless is the only word I can think of fitting this sketch with drunk Siff. Also Siffrin is not threatening anyone with a knife, he's just stimming. Siffrin's just a little guy! He can do no harm, /joking, he very much can do harm/.

POV: You threatened their family.

Run.

[skeksismars]

I AM COLLECTING EVERY SCREENSHOT WHERE KIM IS NICE TO HARRY

HE LIKES HIM! HE GENUINELY FINDS HIM ENDEARING! (in my mind they're in love, fuck canon) I am so happy, this little failure of a man deserves to have someone who genuinely cares about him, I'm starting to get glimpses of his past and it's so damn sad, I love Harry a lot (I hope this doesn't change the more I discover about his past NO SPOILERS!!!)

anyway "He fell for my swagless looks and cringefail personality" THEM, YOUR HONOR, NOTHING FITS MORE THAN THEMMMMMMMMMM

Harry: is a late stage alcoholic, doesn't shower, smells, his clothes are hideous and dirty

Kim: "Nice shoes, by the way. I like the green. Goes with the orange. He looks at your snakeskin shoes and smiles, suddenly" (OH MY GOOOADDDD)

I cannot genuinely believe the creator(s?) didn't write them with a romantic interpretation in mind, the first time Harry sees Kim he thinks that KIM WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR HIM AND HE NEVER MET THE GUY BEFOREEEE!!!!

[rdbrainz]

Hi there! If you're still accepting Bleach requests, may I see your headcannons based on the Bleach Jet art of the Espadas and Quincies in delinquent school uniforms (specifically Grimmjow, Nnoitra, and Bazz-B)? That official art just gave me major brain worms, and I really like your art and headcannons >.< Also, do you happen to have a Ko-fi/patreon to send donations to?

ACTUALLY funny enough I've been thinking about this art a lot myself lmao so I do have some headcanons! as for my ko-fi or patreon.. like I said before transferring money out of them is impossible where I am right now but I made a boosty acc (I'll link it in my bio)

First I wanna add that I just can't see Stark as a high schooler x). He has the vibe of a teacher who somehow ended up with the worst classes in school despite his formidable reputation. Though maybe he was a delinquent himself in the past so he knows how to deal with these little shits. He also has a soft spot for them so as strict as this man can be he cuts them a lot of slack. Like for example I'm sure Nnoitra would smoke in this AU so I think the first day Stark started working with them they met on the rooftop on the lunch break while Gilga was smoking and instead of scolding him Stark just asked for a cig. Nnoitra almost shit himself. I'm also sure he would ask his class to look after his daughter Lilynette so she won't get into any trouble with that attitude of hers. She's probably in middle school or a couple of years younger than them so yeah... the lil sis of the group...

Despite the differences and constant bickering Nnoitra and Grimmjow are basically attached at the hip. I can see them being childhood frenemies actually. Ulquiorra and Szayel are also somewhere in their orbit of course but these two are the worst duo to stumble upon. Very notorious

Ulquiorra is obviously the class president given the armband. He tries his best to mediate the conflicts between his classmates or make them behave better but it's all in vain. Mostly. Some days he's just not in the mood to be responsible and reasonable when dealing with all the bullshit. When trying to bring delinquents to reason you have to be either very respected among them or more fierce than them and Ulquiorra certainly lacks the authority because of his character and swaglessness. He's very scary when mad however. Everybody knows this by now but they just keep trying their fate. Like I'm telling you once he unbuttons his gakuran it's so fucking over

Unlike Grimmjow Nnoitra is actually bothered with his grades enough to try and work for them and/or study (not all the time of course what do you think he's a loser or something?) It includes scaring people into doing his homework, snatching papers out of Ulquiorra's hands right before the class starts (he's used to it so he carries around two sets of hw) or if he REALLY needs to pass an exam he goes to Szayel, the class smartass. The latter is literally equivalent to dying and going through hell to him because he has to abandon all his pride. If you have a shit ton of money you always can try and ask Szayel to help you. Sure. A little bit of humiliation and you actually know the subject. However when it comes to Nnoitra the freak won't let him breathe because: 1) he doesn't need his money, Nnoitra has plenty and it's already stolen anyway so what's the fun? 2) asking a fellow delinquent you have a beef with for help has different means of payment 3) he just really wants to fuck with this guy's head since he thinks Nnoitra is a curious fella. Gilga is well aware of all of this and he's well aware that Szayel will make him polish his boots with his tongue before even considering helping him with acquiring the forbidden chemistry knowledge. So he has to really work for it whether it's a fistfight or running errands for Szayelaporro. It's a good thing Grantz stays true to his word

Grimmjow has a well-accessorized uniform thanks to Nnoitra but his casual clothing is hilariously uncool. I'm convinced this guy has zero taste both in clothing and prints/patterns because he couldn't care less about what other people think is considered fashionable when all he needs personally is functionality and comfort. He knows how to rock a good hairstyle though but if he wants to wear flip-flops outside then so be it

Nnoitra spends all the money he gets on new accessories and CDs (and maybe sometimes porno magazines) for which he constantly gets picked on. If it's someone not from his immediate friend circle then it's not even worth thinking about - left, right, goodnight. As if he's gonna let anyone get too fucking cheeky with him. He's infamous for being called slurs and then bashing the person's head in for this every week because he wears heels and had to endure children being mean to him because of his eye in kindergarten and primary school so it's no big deal really. But if it's Grimmjow then it's a fucking word battle to death he just can't let it slide. Jaegerjaquez really thinks Nnoitra is gonna get strangled by one of his necklaces one of those days but whatever. It's up to him. His music taste however... Now that's something they quarrel about all the time. "I mean I'm not saying anything! Sure you can buy new TOOL CDs all you want.. cough cough... fucking loser.. cough"

Bazz-B was hell-bent on making friends with Grimmjow because he genuinely thinks this guy is awesome. Look at his laid-back attitude and vicious ways! His blue hair, his style! Ohhh, to be like him!!! Jaegerjaquez on the other hand was not very impressed with how annoying Bazz could get with his neverending attempts of talking to him. Too energetic and loud for his liking. He already has Nnoitra and his big fat mouth he constantly runs all he wants so another talkative guy next to him would be too much for his everyday life. He would literally tell him to fuck off and threaten him with a beating of his life but unfortunately it got Bazz even more fired up. Damn weirdo. And a major pain in the ass. They did find a common ground in the end though and it's... A motorcycle that Bazz owns. Bazzard suggested they could take a ride together as a last resort and it was all it took to buy Grimm. Imagine the most excited person you've ever met and they still won't be as excited as Grimmjow was at that moment. Instant fucking boner! "Dibs on driving though" "Deal!" Grimmjow was surprised to reveal that Bazz-B is actually fun to be around and not as annoying as he initially thought he was. Nnoitra made a joke about them having a date the next day though

I think here Bazz-B suffers the same fate as Sakuragi Hanamichi in the beginning of Slam Dunk which is constantly trying to get girls on a date but being brutally rejected each time lmao 😭It's not like he is a bad-looking guy no it's actually the opposite but his personality and hot-headedness are too much to bear for girls he's going after

Askin is a great negotiator and he knows his way around with words but other than that he sucks. He's not a bad guy, just chronically fucking uncool and has to hide behind other people's backs because of mediocre fighting abilities. He also gets in all kinds of stupid situations because he just can't keep his thoughts to himself sometimes which is a bad asset to his cheesiness

Äs Nödt is also not very good at fighting but he's more useful than Askin lol. A smartass and a menace who is talented at collecting data and black-mail on people by eavesdropping and other means. He's the one who proposes the most out-of-pocket ways of taking revenge on other gangs or teaching someone a lesson so you better be careful with him

I hope I'll make more art of this later cuz I'm a bit burnt out rn

[cybertron-smash-or-pass]

Okay so I'm in hospital for lung surgery and SO mad how many polls I've missed bc of this crap grrr

Anyways - which poll result surprised you the most (positively) and which one shocked you the most (negatively) ?

As someone who hasn't seen TF: One yet, I'm fascinated by how hard people simp for that specific Sentinel. Y'all are setting the bar really high for him lol

--- Thunderwave

Shit man, hope your surgery goes well (or went well, whatever state you're in by the time this gets posted)

In terms of positive, Im honestly pretty happy the graham burns post exploded as hard as it did. I still get notes on that fucking thing. Graham Burns is eternal and will never die. I was really happy he got a majority smash vote, I wasn't expecting him to even clear 50% given he's a human character AND he's rendered in that particular artstyle. He's my fucking BOYFRIEMD, my skrunkly, my sweet cheese, my special little guy, my silly rabbit. I am Unwell about that funny little man and I simply hope the vote on him gets more people to watch rescue bots and also get obsessed with his completely swagless cringefail bisexual charm.

In terms of negative, I'm never really THAT miffed when a poll doesnt go the way I expected, but I gotta say I really thought more people were horny for tfa lockdown? Like. He's a dirtbag kinda neutral bad boy with a deep husky voice and a general jerkass demeanor, and I've seen more porn of that guy than I can keep track of. I kind of thought everyone wanted to see him seducing prowl and/or swindle. And then the poll went up and he didn't even hit the 50% mark. Like girl What Happened, how did she flop that hard 😔

Also god yeah, tfone sentinel earned that number for a reason. No spoilers but MAN, he is fun to watch. Incredibly well written character, I want to chuck him against a wall 💖

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

since ive been really obsessed with it I was thinkin about making a post thats like "Rhysand is like what if Count von Krolock of the tanz der vampire musical was a swagless cishet man with no self awareness who didnt even have a weird gay son" but then I was like, honestly how come neither Tamlin nor Rhysand ever had kids from their dillydallying before they met Feyre. yeah yeah I know bc fae are supposed to be borderline infertile but 1) thats not true, points towards Beron and Tamlin's Shit Dad 2) theyre both like 500 years old, even if the odds of having kids are astronomically low if they were just fucking around without protection, they would both atleast have one. And yeah, i know about the fuckin Safe Sex Tea too but idgaf about that, the worldbuilding of acotar is bland and unimaginative it makes me wanna cry, these fae should be like quiverfull family levels of weird about having and absolutely refuse the notion of birth control except it would be less horrible an damaging by virtue of them only having like 2 kids a century, if that. Also, even with the Safe Sex Tea I feel like if you knew that you were borderline infertile and you didnt have to worry about stds bc you lived in a world without actual disease, you would be wayyyyy less careful about protection during sex anyway

Anyway, sorry about that rant, I have terminal worldbuilders disease and it flares up when I encounter this kind of thoughtless bullshit, back to my initial thought of "how come those ancient horny bastards didnt have kids before Feyre" beyond the possible in-uinverse justifications of how they could have them despite the bullshit worldbuilding, it would just be interesting. and fun. Yknow, maybe not for the first book since that would maybe ruin the romance a little but from acomaf forward its like, why shouldnt they aside from the fact that sjm did not at any point stop to consider the implications of making her characters this fucking old

Oh man, speaking of sjm not considering the implications of things, given her track record of writing the contrasts/parellels between Rhysand and Tamlin, I feel like if she had actually done this she wouldve made Tamlin be like, not present in his children's life at all, he just pays them the fae equivalent of child support and maybe they exchange letters or some shit and Feyre would be like "thats so cruel and cold of him!!" but then Rhysand would tell her about his kids and he would be like "pshhh, I would never pay child support! But I give them positions of power in my court and take the boys (and girls hashtag feminism) out for a game of faeball every month" and Feyre would be like "oh, thats so much better my bestest and most handsomest highlord <3 <3" but all us Rhyshaters would forever make fun of him for it. Feminst King Rhysand Who Doesn't Pay Child Support 😍

[vranias]

nii-sama is mewing.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SETO KAIBA!!! In your spirit I will refuse to apologize or explain myself for this!

#13. (pose refs)

[deepfriedpaddymayne]

who, in your massively correct opinion, is the hottest sas boy? i can never tell if i think they're hot or i want to steal their gender

anon. before i start answering this, I need you to know that I went at this the most ridiculous way possible. just so you know, before you embark upon this journey.

imagine you are me. and you are a lesbian. and you think everyone on rogue heroes looks like Some Guy. and then you get this question. you might come up with an idea, make a joke, and move on.

OR.

you could choose to apply the scientific method. objectively quantify hotness in the Objective opinion of a lesbian. except, obviously, hotness depends on a series of factors - just because someone is attractive, it doesn't mean that they are Hot, you get me? you gotta keep their personality into account, too. AND on top of all of that, we need to account for gender envy. so you do what I did. and you open excel. and you start grading the boys depending on fuckability, dateability, and whether or not you want their gender. cool, now you have an Objective, Correct Answer. because obviously everyone's opinions on attractiveness are subjective and therefore all valid, BUT my subjective intepretation IS a little more correct than other people's. anyway, you have done all this. you have your answer. except you also have a visual memory and don't love numbers. and you might choose to chart it all out.

if, for some godforsaken reason, you had followed all of these steps, then you would find yourself with something like this.

and you would conclude that, if we exclude gender envy that might skew results, the hottest Rogue Heroes boy is Eoin McGonigal. which is ironic, considering he's in the cold, cold ground now.

I'm actually putting a cut here not to clog everyone's dash with this, but here are some little explanations on why I gave my score and clarifying some slightly confusing things about the chart:

Everyone is listed by surname to make sure they were all identifiable without clogging up the chart too much.

I do think most of them look, like. Fine. not, like, fiiiiiiine, they do genuinely just look. like some guys. half of them I wouldn't look at twice if I met them in tesco, you get me? anyway. I stared at so many pictures of these men trying to determine if they were fuckable. I think I am losing my mind.

Jordan, Cooper, and Stirling are actually all on the same point, they are just vaguely scattered around to make the labels readable. I had to install a whole new r package for this.

now the fun part. my completely Objective and Correct Judgment on each boy

-Stirling - his swagless looks and cringefail personality might have captivated Eve, but they are not enough for me. he looks mostly average, but he gets extra points because I am an Unusual Nose enjoyer

-Paddy - with all of my love for him he also does just look normal in my opinion (very pretty eyes, though). like, he looks good, but in a pretty normal way. and then on top of that there is his personality. (both of his scores turn into 10s if you have the highly specific brand of mental illness that Augustin and Eoin both have. get better soon pal)

-Lewes - Jock would absolutely make the best boyfriend out of the main trio, this is basically canon. he's also kind of pretty in a haunted doll way but again I do think he looks mostly Fine.

-Riley - not sure how to justify why his scores are so high tbh. but he seems very confident which is kind of attractive, I guess? also no idea why I want his gender. but I DO.

-Almonds - I just KNOW that Almonds would be such a kind and caring boyfriend. I had originally given him a 7 for fuckability but then I realised that if I was a gay man I would be all over his bear charms in a matter of seconds.

-Reg - Reg gets extra points for being kind of a malewife and also his massive tits but other than that I do think he's pretty average. I would be his friend though. I think he'd be a big lesbian ally in the same way Thor is.

-Kershaw - his fuckability is that high because he exclusively joined the SAS cause he loves killing fascists so my friends and I have an ongoing joke that he fucks like a freight train. that's it.

-Wee Johnny - a little Too Blond for my taste. also, I am sorry, but he is VERY young and I think at the point in life he's at, he'd be a little too self centred to be a good boyfriend. that said my man looks like a he/him lesbian and I'd steal his gender like a fae if I could.

-Fraser - I just KNOW he'd be the kindest, most gentle boyfriend on the planet. absolute sweetheart of a man. that said, he does just look like your run of the mill twink.

-Sadler - really don't know what it is about his odd as hell vibes that makes him so fuckable to me but there is SOMETHING. that said those odd as hell vibes do probably make him into a Not Ideal boyfriend.

-Eoin - I'm sorry, he's got it all. he cooks? he's sweet and understanding but can also be a bit of a little shit? buff but not massive? gets dimples when he smiles? AND he's got freckles and curly hair and an Unusual nose? he's literally perfect and undefeated winner of this contest. rest in peace sweet prince

-Augustin - he has very pretty eyes and face but his lankyness and weirdass way of moving (affectionate) does bring his fuckability score down a little. he's also Insane and while I do think he's very good at hiding it, you would eventually notice while you are dating him and go "huh!" (this, once again, does not apply if you are Paddy). oh that said I don't know what it is about his weird skinny puppetlike limbs that's so gender to me but. yah.

-Bergé - gonna be honest here, he's only included because I felt bad about Augustin being the only Frenchie on there. I like his moustache and his funky hat.

[denimshortsdean]

Just so we’re all clear, this is a season 9 castiel outfit hate blog

Fuck that swagless little cropped trench with no give to it and the lack of tie, my man was born to serve cunt and look liddol!!!!

[undignifiedpopemobile]

my driver hotness rankings

besties and behateds of the jury, this is maybe the most unhinged thing i will ever post but it is my sistine chapel it is my mona lisa. this is to me what citizen kane was to orson welles. i will prove to you today that my driver hotness rankings are objectively correct. i have assembled the evidence i have constructed my argument. (love you ell this one's for you.)

20

nyck (i’m so sorry). look someone has to go last. i am not prejudiced against short kings but it must be acknowledged that in combination with the face he is giving gnome. also i have seen the shirtless pics, and he is more ripped than george for christ’s sake there are so many ridges on his torso. he looks, to steal a phrase from patton oswald, “painful to fuck.” and i don’t have a vibe check on him yet so there is nothing else to compel me (benoit blanc voice) also i am not yet convinced he’s fast, which would increase his standing, because, say it with me, being good at things is hot. check back in after a few races. the thing where they tied him to a wheel rack was funny but not enough.

19

pierre. he’s fooled so many people into thinking he’s attractive with his beard contour and his donald trump ass haircut covering a truly atrocious hairline but there is no force on earth that can cover being a crypto bro. i have known so many and they are, without exception, the worst and more irritating people on the planet. if you own an nft you are not hot. if you TALK about it you are less hot. he has abs or whatever but i honestly think he is too ripped, similar to nyck. and i haven’t even mentioned the fact he’s a pedophile! his narrative used to be compelling to me because he got kicked out of red bull and i love redemption but he is a mid driver and a bitch and christian was right to fire him.

18

lando. this one may be controversial but i’m right and i can prove it: he looks like he’s twelve years old. who am i, pierre? i think the fuck not. admittedly he has nice eyes but he has a very oddly-shaped head. i could snap him like a twig, which looking at my dating history is not necessarily a deal breaker, but it is if he’d whine like a little bitch the whole time. he has never known the touch of a woman and he never will. the vibes are also atrocious: he’s a spoiled brat, and his interests are twitch and golf?????? he might not say racial slurs but he definitely crosses the street if he sees a black man. says he feels “uncomfortable” being around gay men with his shit off. bitch. i must clarify that i don't actually hate him but he has committed the worst crime to me: being a little irritating.

17

checo. people say he looks like tom cruise with a double chin but i just watched top gun and no he fucking does not. he looks more grizzled than fernando but in a haggard way not in a rugged cowboy way and he’s got a dad bod but not in a hot way. and the vibes are fucking off, absolutely swagless. fucking come on he’s had two seasons of getting his ass HANDED to him by max every week. i know it’s hard to be max’s teammate or whatever but i am pointing to him and saying MID. i don’t know anything about him personally except he’s got rich sponsors, he probably cheated on his wife, and he’s a homophobe. however he will move up if he goes full rosberg in 2023 and ruins christian’s life i do not pretend to be unbiased. the thesis of this one is that it is not hot to be boring. but if he becomes interesting i will change my mind.

16

oscar. see lando. he looks like a child! i do not believe he is 21 they are LYING because he's actually 14 and it should be illegal to let him drive. i do not believe he remembers obama’s first election. he’s up higher because i believe he is considerably more attractive than lando he has a sweet honest face i would kiss his little cheeks. but is he hot? ask again in five years. the narrative is also compelling to me because he did said “fuck the french” and that is hot that is HOT, but again, as of yet no vibe check. i see something in his eyes that indicates to me he may win the twink war but until first blood is spilled that is only hypothetical. sorry oscar nothing against you honey.

15

kmag. ok look. maybe i just don’t remember what kmag actually looks like but the picture on the f1 website is not flattering he looks like the stock photo wincing old man. i don’t think he’s unattractive really but i cannot put him above the rest of this list i fear! when he got pole that was really hot but what else is he giving? talking about balls? that wasn’t hot when dan did it and it’s not hot for kmag either. the vibe check should have enough data to produce something but it is coming up empty!!! i just do not know i’m sorry kevin. you do not have the x factor. you are not irritating, but to me, you are boring.

14

estie! you know he was below kmag but today i saw that gifset of him with long hair…. i could fix him (get him a hair stylist) he’s uncomfortably lanky. rat man may be affectionate, but rat man nevertheless. also i played myself by comparing himself to the flushed away rat because now i cannot see him without thinking about that. he’s got a really hot girlfriend which means he’s probably a feminist (will go down on a woman) and i know he doesn’t come from money. both of these things compel me tis true! but they are not enough to overcome the tragic truth that he looks like a cartoon character

13

hulkenberg. look ell i know i said he was conventionally attractive and i stand by that. he IS. but he also looks like a fucking ken doll. he has the GR wax doll disease. he went into the uncanny valley and he fucking founded a city-state there he’s building fucking governance structures and supporting a small private army to defend trade routes. his skin is so like….. tight. uncomfortable. and he is not redeemed by the vibe check. a million fucking races and no podium? and he wasn't only in shit cars! he was supposed to be a world champion coming up through the feeder series and he fell short of his potential. falling short of your potential is narratively compelling, but not in a hot way. i am pressing the big buzzer that says MID. boring.

12

lance. literally forgot about him until i got to number seven and then i was like….. wait a minute wait a fucking minute. he and nando are mirror opposites lance is here purely by virtue of his conventionally attractive little face. i can hear the ghosts of my jewish ancestors telling me to settle down with the nice billionaire jewish boy. but you know what? his voice is fucking irritating as shit and he has the least interesting variety of daddy issues. he’s got no fucking personality and he’s a nepo baby and he’s a mid ass driver and lawrence will not convince me otherwise by holding a gun to nando’s head and making him say shit about how good his stupid little failson is. 

11

NANDOOOOOOO ok i know this one is controversial but i don’t give a shit it’s my list. i know he’s fucking eighty do you think i care? no. i couldn’t give less of a shit what he looks like. all that matters to me is that he wakes up every single day and chooses to be a mischievous little bastard who foments….. something. el plan etc etc. yes he fucking blackmailed mclaren yes he has committed war crimes yes he is a misogynist. what is this twitter? i do not have to be morally correct here. and lest we forget he is in fact a fantastic fucking driver (hot). let the slow dismantling of the stroll dynasty begin. and he has the most important variable in my calculations: he is interesting.

10

guanyu. my problem here is vibe check coming up empty. he’s reasonably good looking, he’s nice, he seems to be in love with val (good taste! see the coffee video) he’s the second most stylish man in the paddock mostly by virtue of the competition being fucking pathetic. he’s a little short but i am not prejudiced against short kings! but personality wise i fear there is not much there although probably this is on me for being a dumb american and not speaking chinese. also he’s like. ungodly rich. like richer than stroll. and the CCP of it all is not beautiful. perhaps most damningly: is he a good driver? i do not know! give him another year, but the jury remains undecided. he is right in the middle but i reserve the right to move him up pending developments

9

logan. you don’t know how much it pains me to put this motherfucker in the top ten. he looks like he was recruited into the us military directly out of high school because he was failing english and knew he couldn’t get into college, but unfortunately he is also objectively very handsome. he’s not higher for obvious reasons (florida. donald trump.) but i cannot put him lower purely off the virtue of his captain america fucking face. fuck him i hope alex makes him cry real tears on track by lapping him in every single race. but he is hot. maybe he'll prove me wrong and he can stay here! but if he brings fucking..... jd vance or whatever as a guest to a gp it's straight to 20 i shit you not.

8

alex. out of all the men on this list alex is probably the one i would most like to date. he’s nice, he’s reasonably charming, he’s a feminist, he’s got the angst of losing that red bull seat without the pierre of it all, he’s got the compelling homoerotic friendship with george but you know what this is not sash’s list of dateable men it is driver hotness and we must acknowledge the fact that he is not particularly good looking! like estie he has a fucking banana nuts hot girlfriend, but facially he is not always giving. he’s cute; he’s not necessarily hot. he’s this high only because i kept bumping him up because i was like “well i can’t put him below fucking LOGAN”. also, while i believe he’s a good driver, is he REALLY good, or just good? beating the shit out of latifi does not convince me of anything! like mick beating the shit out of mazepin it’s pretty much guaranteed to happen.

7

max. ok ell hear me out. right now he is not looking too hot but it's because of the bad haircut and he’s not racing. being good at things, say it with me, is hot and the only thing, the ONLY THING in max’s life is being good at racing. he’s fucking fast. also, he seems like he’s actually kind of a fun guy. when he laughs at his own jokes that is very cute i think. the little eye crinkles. the cheeks. when he’s got his hair grown out a little and a five o’clock shadow going… he can fool me into thinking he’s actually good looking and doesn't a little bit resemble sid the sloth from the ice age movies (sorry. but it's true) and the version of him i have made up in my head and convinced myself is real is extremely fucking compelling!!!! admittedly the kelly dynamic almost knocked him down but it takes two people to make a dynamic and i guarantee you i would not be giving any maternal energy at all. i think i could fix him (introduce him to pegging)

6

yuki. that’s right fuck you. he’s funny as fuck and we could do karaoke together. i would carry him around in my tote bag and he could eat off the children’s menu at restaurants (cost of living is high you save where you can.) he’s giving face and he’s giving body he’s actually so fucking handsome and the reason people are sleeping on how beautiful he is is because of the particularities of anti-asian racism, where “western” people read traditionally east-asian features as unmasculine, and therefore they are either fetishized or dismissed as romantic/sexual partners entirely. well i’m anti-racism bitch! yuki is HOT! also i know he’s not that good at driving or whatever but do you know what’s even hotter than being good at things? not giving a SHIT!!!! yuki is the spiritual successor to kimi raikonnen on this grid i’m fucking right and i’m the only one brave enough to say it. f1 is a hobby for him and he treats the sport exactly as it should be treated (with disdain, like it’s a mild inconvenience or errand on par with vacuuming) maybe this is inconsistent with my "being good at things is hot theory" but you know what? fuck you. it's my list i do what i want. if i contradict myself than i contradict myself

5

george. yeah…… i’m quite frankly a little shocked and upset he’s this high. i know i made this list myself but i’m not keeping track very well in all honesty and i’m about four drinks in. but you know what? i’m not blaming alcohol. this is accurate for my hotness rankings. i’m a bit of a george girl at the moment. every new fact i learn about him makes him more compelling to me. he's the george bit of alex's homoerotic relationship with george! really i only need one story about him to compel me: getting himself into the merc driver program with the power of microsoft powerpoint. he’s the most “he’s just like me fr” driver on the grid for me and i’m a big enough woman to admit that. the version of him i’ve made up inside my head has a personality and you know what? unfortunately for the haters he has proved them all wrong and he’s an excellent fucking driver. i don’t think he’s better than lewis but he stood up to the pressure of that second merc seat fucking fantastically even with his biological father there judging his performance the whole time! and i know he looks a little bit like a robot but it must be admitted! he is attractive! he’s got a great body! idk i’m gaslighting myself i guess it’s my deep-seated american desire to infiltrate the upper classes of england and bring it all down from the inside. but i’m keeping him in spot number five. and fuck anyone who disagrees.

4

valtteri. i mean. other than yuki the closest to kimi we can get on the current grid. lost his merc seat and immediately said “my ass will be fully out for the rest of my life and there is nothing you can do about it” can you imagine the amount of time toto wasted just saying “no valtteri you cannot post hole on instagram”. he’s a feminist he’s an icon! he’s not an outstanding driver but he’s solid! by number of wins currently fourth best cunt on the grid i believe! the mustache! he has alex albon energy in that i would actually date him but i think he’s more attractive. he is the only blond-haired blue-eyed man on the list who does not even a little bit activate the “nazi detector” in my brain which is admittedly a little overactive in the current political climate. i don’t know love isn’t rational. but i love him. i love him, your honor. and you will not convince me otherwise with facts (he's not really objectively all that physically attractive)

3

carlos. look the ferrari boys were pretty close together and ell i know you disagree with me here but ultimately it comes down to one thing i will discuss in the charles ranking and a couple things i will discuss here. yes he’s hot. fucking obviously. it’s barely worth pointing it out he’s outrageously attractive. but as i have said many times hotness is about more than the physical! and the vibe check is mixed. he does have the most compelling flavor of daddy issues (father is loving and supportive but still an unattainable ideal. the closest thing to god on earth for carlos sainz jr is carlos sainz sr and what a terrible legacy that is to bear) but on the other hand golf! and he has a weird and not very sexy voice! and he’s probably violently catholic! and there’s stories about him being kind of a dick to fans! i did not verify either of those things but fuck you this isn't journalism. and, most damningly, i believe that when it comes to driving he is…… FUCKING MID. there i said it. he got lucky his first year with and he’s still in denial about being the second driver to charles leclerc. have you seen the fucking instagram? girl fred vasseur may say he'll let it be decided on track but charles is coming to family dinners in the vasseur household. delusion is not hot unless it’s in a funny way (see: fernando, el plan). and i swear to christ if he messes up even a single race for charles this season because he thinks he’s better i will knock him down to the bottom of his list without remorse.

2

charles. it’s my list fuck you. other than george, charles (the version of him i have made up inside my head) is the most like me on the grid. he is— pause for dramatic effect— fucking COMPELLING. (benoit blanc voice) you know i love a narrative and he’s got a fucking narrative. he plays the piano (hot) he’s got the sexiness of the french language without the lameness of being french (yes i believe monaco is a historical mistake and a geopolitical aberration and should be incorporated into france and all those cunts should pay taxes but objectively monaco is very sexy!!! walt whitman i contain multitudes) and he’s got the catholic guilt of driving for ferrari without the lameness of actual catholicism (looking at you carlos) is he the most interesting bitch in the world? no. but he can hold a conversation, he has more interests than just racing and video games, and he’s much funnier in french, and as these boring ass guys go he’s pretty funny even in english. also, again, takes two to make a dynamic and i am funny enough for any two people on the planet. also, and this must be said, he’s a fucking excellent driver. BEING GOOD AT THINGS IS HOT! AND we have not even mentioned the fact that physically speaking he is what we call a Specimen. he’s got body, he’s got face. i know you don’t think he does ell but with respect you are wrong. he’s got the cheekbones he’s got the nose he’s got the fucking ridiculous shoulder to hip ratio, he’s got the hand porn. he has literal protagonist eye syndrome (they appear to be different colors depending on the lighting) he’s fucking insanely hot.

1

Lewis. I mean it’s just quite literally the only correct answer. he’s giving face, he’s giving body. the tattoos! dan thinks he has cool tattoos but he has pete davidson disease lewis actually has really cool tattoos. but his hotness is literally the least compelling thing about him. he’s multi-talented (music??? so hot) he’s not just a racer, but like, let’s not discount the fact he is the best f1 driver of all time. like i’ve established it’s hot when people are good at things (except golf). he’s not a businessman he’s a business, man. he’s got mad fucking drip. his politics are.............. of mixed quality really but by comparison he's practically bernie sanders. of all the drivers he’s the one i think i could make a socialist if i had a twenty minute conversation with him. i could get him to read marx i could get him to read zizek. not even to mention the compelling fucking narrative of his life. the karting years the brocedes of it all the mclaren civil war he is producing CONTENT. yes he speaks like a motivational poster and the dog account is cringe but the flaws make him human. if he were too perfect he would be less hot. 

this is the judgement of the court

[asexual-juliet]

2, 6(besides aroace of course), 12, 22, and 25 for Carmy

Feel free to pick and choose lol

2. Favorite canon thing about this character? I love how absolutely fucking pathetic he is lmfao... big fan of his virgin energy. it's great he’s pathetic he’s swagless he’s a cringefail loserboy he’s never more than five minutes away from having a panic attack and he gets NO BITCHES! he's also just like. such a funny little guy like I think about "surge rates, fucko!" every day of my life.

6. What's something you have in common with this character? this bitch fucking HATES talking about his feelings!!

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character? I mean. the fact that he is aroace. but ALSO I am very attached to the idea that especially when they're younger sugar is fully convinced he's gay and tries to be very subtly supportive but it's very very obvious what she's trying to do lmfao.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to this character? Something you don't like? obviously i LOVE platonic sydcarmy and don't super love reading romantic sydcarmy but other than that... I love fics about the Berzattos as kids, I love fics where Carmy's stutter comes back, I love when authors absolutely beat the shit out of him so people can can take care of him <3333. and also I hate the implication in any fic that this man has ever gotten any bitches or had any sex lmfao.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now? tbh I don't super remember but now I want to study him like a bug under a microscope!! he's sooooooooo <3 <3 <3

[jovenshires]

requested ONLY by @agnewbones, here is the full iwks cast as imagined by me <3 ill put all the ones i already talked ab up top and all the new ones under the cut just so they're all in one place !!

spencer: ethan cutkosky

tommy: dale whibley

shayne: owen joyner

damien: leo howard

alex: naleye junior dolmans

keith: aubrey joseph

chanse: jay lycurgou

jeremy: lucas hedges

patrick: owen teague

ify: khalid

brennan: ryan potter

tim: ty simpkins

amanda: for this current age and era of amanda (prequel notwithstanding - mayhaps ill do a different casting of that later on whos to say), i'll say bianca comparato. i'd believe she was a tired soccer coach mother of eleven who's gay for her opposing coach.

angela: not that she's had a big part in the fic (YET.......) but im gonna say gia mantegna. another actress who needs a comeback!! yes i watched unaccompanied minors. anyway she has those angela eyes.

rock: this was a close second for ify, but i just think he has a more youthful fun energy that's much closer to rock's specific vibe than ify's. he also gives the 'keeping ify in line' energy that rock most certainly needs. anyway rj cyler!!

marcus: xolo maridueña has been popping off recently and rightfully so. marcus is only a bit part but i think he can be everybody's baby the way god intended. he doesn't have The Eyebrows but we can get them there i know it

ian: this one is more about vibes than look and also it made me laugh. because who gives that sad, washed-up older brother vibe QUITE LIKE skyler gisondo. this casting is everything to me i think it's so funny.

aguilar: do you think we can get away with rico rodriguez in a serious-ish role. i mean it's a comedy role in a serious-ish show. i just think he has the range.

luke: as a fun little nod to the series that was the partial inspiration for iwks, a little bit part for mister kit connor.

peter: wyatt oleff has that swagless mess energy about him

duran: im gonna go diego josef who is also from 'somewhere inside your house'. literally cried over his character watching this terrible movie bc his acting was incredible. (he was also just the best character imo.) i also cry over duran regularly so this all makes sense to me !

josh: this one's so tough but i think im going one of my other spencer options which was griffin gluck. he just has that :) face josh has

andre: how long has it been since YOU'VE seen mighty med. devon leos. we're giving people comebacks bestie

greg: jack mulhern my beloved. now its just katies dream actors coming to hang out man

garrett: whos getting the honor.... THE PRESTIGE. wouldn't it be fucking funny if i said like jacob elordi or something. anyway cameron gellman looks appropriately sad

josh (mythical): HMMMM.... there's so many people who i think look like him but are JUST too old for this. i almost used him a couple different times in the original cast but im gonna go with rudy pankow. he's josh-shaped !

trevor: it's giving austin abrams. he just has that trevor silly lil guy vibe. it's just a bit part (for now :)) BUT i think he'd eat

zach: adrian greensmith is THE perfect vibe and you cannot change my mind

[iampresent]

Hey. Hey you. C’mere! I have something wonderful to tell you about the  language of Latin, and specifically how it was taught in the Cambridge Elevate Latin textbook.  

Ready?

Ok so in Latin, the diminutive of any word ends in -ulus.  Basically it just adds the word “little” behind the noun.  Best example of this? “homo” means “man/person” (the species, not the gender, that’s “vir”) in Latin. “homunculus” means “little man” in Latin. Which is just a wonderful fact in and of itself. Like c’mon that’s so fun to say. You’re a homunculus. no YOU’RE a homunculus. everyone here is a homunculus. homunculus homunculus homunculus.

But that’s not the best part. Not by a long shot.

So, it’s kinda hard to teach a dead language. You can’t do a lot of conversational skills and learning, because there aren’t a ton of sources to explain how the language was spoken casually. Now, you could just make them read all the super famous Latin texts we have, but those do have a pretty high level of advancement and also happen to be about as exciting to your average high schooler as “explain your answer” math problems.

So, what is a classics course that wants to make absolutely stupendous amounts of money to do??

Well, if you’re the Cambridge Elevate Latin Course, you create one long storyline over the course of four books which goes from “astonishingly heart wrenching familial tragedy” to “surprisingly xenophobic narrative of life on the streets of Alexandria” to “extremely out-of-pocket political intrigue” to “telenovela” faster than you can say “Sed Caecilius non respondit”. None of these stories are particularly well written, but they are much more intense than you would expect of a language textbook for middle and high schoolers.

anyway, cut to my 10th grade Latin class, right as we were beginning the “political intrigue but everyone is a complete dumbass” section of the course. And one of the grammar concepts for that stage was diminutives.  As I hope I’ve already established, the storyline was completely fucking batshit insane. We were used to it. We could handle absurdity, my class could. We reveled in it. So there we were, reading about the British chieftain A who crashed the king’s dinner party with a *partially* tamed bear, in order to kill/maim/severely embarrass British chieftain B, because B had had the audacity to beat A in a boat race. In my opinion, we were taking it with relatively straight faces, all things considered.

But when British Chieftain B called A “homunculus”? 

We lost it. We completely, absolutely LOST. IT. It was one of the best moments of my life.

Anyway, my teacher is switching her freshmen onto a different textbook next year, for SOME REASON, which I frankly think is pretty swagless of her.