#all the men look like guys I could meet at the big tesco eve looks like a supermodel. like come on guys

[deepfriedpaddymayne]

who, in your massively correct opinion, is the hottest sas boy? i can never tell if i think they're hot or i want to steal their gender

anon. before i start answering this, I need you to know that I went at this the most ridiculous way possible. just so you know, before you embark upon this journey.

imagine you are me. and you are a lesbian. and you think everyone on rogue heroes looks like Some Guy. and then you get this question. you might come up with an idea, make a joke, and move on.

OR.

you could choose to apply the scientific method. objectively quantify hotness in the Objective opinion of a lesbian. except, obviously, hotness depends on a series of factors - just because someone is attractive, it doesn't mean that they are Hot, you get me? you gotta keep their personality into account, too. AND on top of all of that, we need to account for gender envy. so you do what I did. and you open excel. and you start grading the boys depending on fuckability, dateability, and whether or not you want their gender. cool, now you have an Objective, Correct Answer. because obviously everyone's opinions on attractiveness are subjective and therefore all valid, BUT my subjective intepretation IS a little more correct than other people's. anyway, you have done all this. you have your answer. except you also have a visual memory and don't love numbers. and you might choose to chart it all out.

if, for some godforsaken reason, you had followed all of these steps, then you would find yourself with something like this.

and you would conclude that, if we exclude gender envy that might skew results, the hottest Rogue Heroes boy is Eoin McGonigal. which is ironic, considering he's in the cold, cold ground now.

I'm actually putting a cut here not to clog everyone's dash with this, but here are some little explanations on why I gave my score and clarifying some slightly confusing things about the chart:

Everyone is listed by surname to make sure they were all identifiable without clogging up the chart too much.

I do think most of them look, like. Fine. not, like, fiiiiiiine, they do genuinely just look. like some guys. half of them I wouldn't look at twice if I met them in tesco, you get me? anyway. I stared at so many pictures of these men trying to determine if they were fuckable. I think I am losing my mind.

Jordan, Cooper, and Stirling are actually all on the same point, they are just vaguely scattered around to make the labels readable. I had to install a whole new r package for this.

now the fun part. my completely Objective and Correct Judgment on each boy

-Stirling - his swagless looks and cringefail personality might have captivated Eve, but they are not enough for me. he looks mostly average, but he gets extra points because I am an Unusual Nose enjoyer

-Paddy - with all of my love for him he also does just look normal in my opinion (very pretty eyes, though). like, he looks good, but in a pretty normal way. and then on top of that there is his personality. (both of his scores turn into 10s if you have the highly specific brand of mental illness that Augustin and Eoin both have. get better soon pal)

-Lewes - Jock would absolutely make the best boyfriend out of the main trio, this is basically canon. he's also kind of pretty in a haunted doll way but again I do think he looks mostly Fine.

-Riley - not sure how to justify why his scores are so high tbh. but he seems very confident which is kind of attractive, I guess? also no idea why I want his gender. but I DO.

-Almonds - I just KNOW that Almonds would be such a kind and caring boyfriend. I had originally given him a 7 for fuckability but then I realised that if I was a gay man I would be all over his bear charms in a matter of seconds.

-Reg - Reg gets extra points for being kind of a malewife and also his massive tits but other than that I do think he's pretty average. I would be his friend though. I think he'd be a big lesbian ally in the same way Thor is.

-Kershaw - his fuckability is that high because he exclusively joined the SAS cause he loves killing fascists so my friends and I have an ongoing joke that he fucks like a freight train. that's it.

-Wee Johnny - a little Too Blond for my taste. also, I am sorry, but he is VERY young and I think at the point in life he's at, he'd be a little too self centred to be a good boyfriend. that said my man looks like a he/him lesbian and I'd steal his gender like a fae if I could.

-Fraser - I just KNOW he'd be the kindest, most gentle boyfriend on the planet. absolute sweetheart of a man. that said, he does just look like your run of the mill twink.

-Sadler - really don't know what it is about his odd as hell vibes that makes him so fuckable to me but there is SOMETHING. that said those odd as hell vibes do probably make him into a Not Ideal boyfriend.

-Eoin - I'm sorry, he's got it all. he cooks? he's sweet and understanding but can also be a bit of a little shit? buff but not massive? gets dimples when he smiles? AND he's got freckles and curly hair and an Unusual nose? he's literally perfect and undefeated winner of this contest. rest in peace sweet prince

-Augustin - he has very pretty eyes and face but his lankyness and weirdass way of moving (affectionate) does bring his fuckability score down a little. he's also Insane and while I do think he's very good at hiding it, you would eventually notice while you are dating him and go "huh!" (this, once again, does not apply if you are Paddy). oh that said I don't know what it is about his weird skinny puppetlike limbs that's so gender to me but. yah.

-Bergé - gonna be honest here, he's only included because I felt bad about Augustin being the only Frenchie on there. I like his moustache and his funky hat.