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hisfavoritewolf · 3 months ago

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Danarius' Notes

Danarius' notes from each session of Eat Your Young

Month one:

Signs of anxiety, as expected.

Generalized exhaustion

Burning sensation tied to markings

Fog of the mind

Physical tension, described a feeling of being squeezed

Stiffness in joints. Expected, after the intensive nature of the ritual

Supplemental notes.

Train bodily awareness He must disconnect himself from his pain if he is to be of any use.

Month two:

Distant

Discombobulated

Still in pain

Joints still stiff

Anxious

Lyrium-induced hallucinations — Mild

Limited vocabulary. Reminder to teach eloquence. He must stand out from other slaves.

Fears disobedience. Good progress

Supplemental notes

Awareness is becoming easier for him. He learns very quickly, considering he was born a slave. This is excellent progress.

Month three:

Catching on to the pattern of our monthly assessments.

Limited knowledge on weeks and months.

Consistent pain caused by the markings

Noted nausea — Clarified; Disgust

The markings seem to glow at random. Clarify this response.

Supplemental notes

Fenris shows a profound sense of curiosity. This must be quelled as quickly as possible. Occasionally I forget how young he is. His age has been very useful in his training. Incredibly adaptable. Disappointing that Fenris reacted so intensely to my lucrative agreement to loan him to others. Correct this behavior, as it will make such endeavors far more difficult. All in all, this is going quite well. He is quite a handsome young man. A beautiful specimen.

Interim notes:

Fenris has shown an incredible capability for brutality, when he focuses. He can be quite vicious in his training, though he occasionally hesitates when given an actual mark. Aptitude for disassociating himself from his actions. This is quite promising, but requires refining. The first of the sleep deprivation trials has gone well so far, though he will have to learn to fight against hallucinations. It is disappointing, but I suppose I should have expected them to be intensified by the lyrium.

Month four:

Shows a general dislike for Hadriana. Understandable.

Bodily awareness has improved, but still needs work.

Continues to hesitate against those I actually ask him to kill. Disappointing. Correct this.

Fenris has been ordered to stop completely in battle when I, a guard, or the instructor calls 'Heel'

Supplemental notes

Fenris shows quite a lot of terror at the idea of disobeying me, or generally displeasing me. He relies almost entirely on me alone. This is going quite well.

Month five:

Fenris has become more comfortable with our monthly meetings.

Shows difficulty putting his thoughts to words.

Fascination with the plants and flowers in the garden

He is having some difficulty reigning in his thoughts; Regularly caught up in his head.

The burn given with such audacity by Magister Ardoris' sister is healing well

Still shows difficulty in pleasing my guests. Supplementary lessons may be required once more or more often.

Touch from others causes increased burning sensations from the markings

The markings have a range of pain. Create a pain scale to track this on any given day.

He's awfully dramatic.

Supplemental notes

There's that curiosity again. I really must do something about this. Any information he requires should be at my behest, not of his own will. His voice seems to have healed as much as it ever will. Unfortunate, it occasionally grates on my ears.

Interim notes:

The text on this particular page is written in an angry, frustrated, nearly frantic hand.

Fenris has been in the infirmary for the better part of a week, due to his contemptible and unprompted actions. Eight of my servants dead, including the instructor. I will get to the bottom of this outburst. If he thinks he won't be punished, he is sorely mistaken. Although, it may be difficult to think of anything while under such heavy spells. Foolish, selfish boy. I'll have to come up with a suitable punishment.

Month six:

Fenris must be feeling a sense of audacity, today.

Surprising awareness of the magic in his mind keeping him awake

Decent bodily awareness despite his injuries. Could be better. Correct this.

On a promising note: He does seem to find some pleasure in killing. It needs to be redirected toward those I actually tell him to kill.

Expresses a sense of guilt for taking pleasure in it. Encouraging.

Shows understanding of previous training; that being call and response. Self-humiliation seems to be going well.

Supplemental notes

All in all this has been a very frustrating month. Five steps forward, two steps back. I must sort out this insubordination. My subordinates are not as skilled with punishment, he regularly shows less fear if they are the ones dealing him damage. This is good in some way, showing reliance and abject horror for my particular reprimands.

#Codex: Danarius #Only doing up to month 6 #I'll do more later #I hate Danarius

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ashesandhackles · 4 years ago

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The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

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yasywrites · 2 years ago

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Healing your femininity after trauma

Before starting, it's important to note that this is going to talk about traumatic experiences such as abuse, sexual assault, etc. None of this goes into detail but if a passing mention of these topics is too much for you then you may want to skip to the next page.

My journey into femininity

Throughout my life, I had an intense desire to be the complete opposite of a feminine woman. It wasn’t that I simply hated femininity for myself but rather I hated it on everyone. I was confused as to why I disliked it so much until I turned 16 and the reality of my childhood finally hit me. In order to protect myself, I had pushed back the memories of being sexually abused as a child and rejected who I was because my own body brought feelings of guilt and shame. The path of accepting what had happened was long and it’s still something I deal with today but as time went on I understood my experiences enough to start the healing process. This process has been about me being able to love my body and teach others to respect it. The hardest part of that was allowing myself to be feminine again.

Teaching myself to embrace femininity started by simply wearing feminine clothes. Dresses and skirts became part of my wardrobe staples. I would do my make-up, make sure my hair looked nice, and even wore heels from time to time. None of this worked. I was so sure being feminine was about following these certain stereotypes but it never seemed to heal me. I think that for me, my idea of femininity was still tied to what men expected femininity to be. I didn’t realise that femininity came in many types and that the hyper-sexualised version was not the one that suited me. It took me a lot of trying and failing until about 6 months ago when I started working with the Goddess Rhiannon.

It isn’t necessary to work with a Goddess to heal your femininity at all, she was light a lightbulb that went off in my head and I think that lightbulb can come in various forms. Working with her encouraged me to tune into the feminine of the natural world, the moon, and my body and mind. Femininity is complex and each person will find their own ways of healing but I hope that some of the following helps you as it helped me

1. Bond with the moon

This one seems extremely obvious I’m sure. We look to the moon and instantly know that she is feminine (for the most part, you may have your own ideas but this seems to be the generally accepted one). The moon is tied with goddesses and is seen as the very pinnacle of feminine energy. Knowing that the moon is feminine, however, does not mean that you are utilising her feminine energy to your full potential. At the start of my journey, I found myself full of hate for the feminine, and making friends with the moon calmed that down quite a bit. I would have conversations with her, bathe in her light, dance under her, write letters to her, and just marvel at how beautiful she was. If the moon can be so powerful whilst also being so feminine then why could I not be? Take time to truly explore the feminine energy the moon possesses and grow close to her.

2. Crystal meditations

Meditation in general is always good but enhance that by incorporating corresponding crystals into it. Take time to figure out how your trauma has shaped you negatively and find crystals that will help combat that. For example, I struggled to see myself in a sexual sense and would often disassociate during any sexual situation so I tried some meditations with carnelian for its help with sexual energy. Truthfully, crystals don't completely fix everything. I still have times when I don’t feel strong but tuning into carnelian has helped me progress. Some other crystals you may want to try are moonstone, rose quartz, selenite, or amethyst though choosing crystals that you are drawn to and specifically are able to help you through your specific troubles is best.

3. Dance

Or just any flowy movement will do. When you aren’t connected with your feminine side, you probably aren't completely tuned in with your body. Pay attention to each part of your body and move it somehow. Personally, I like to start at the top of my body and make my way down giving each part its own chance to be noticed before moving it all together. Put on some high vibrational music or even just something that makes you feel grateful to be able to feel feminine (Personally I love anything by Stevie Nicks).

4. Be touchy with yourself

This can tie into the previous one but it can also be something you do separately. No this doesn't have to be an inherently sexual thing but if that's what you're into and it makes you feel confident in your femininity then go for it. Being touchy can simply be hugging yourself when you're upset and need some comfort, it can be exploring your face as you do skincare, it can be gliding your hand across your body just to feel it. Being touchy with yourself is a great way to tune back into who you are. I personally struggle with feeling like I am living in the third person so this sensory stimulation is great at helping me return to the current moment instead of visiting my past.

5. Feel your emotions

Being emotional is often equated to being feminine (which is completely not true) but it’s also got a negative tone surrounding it. People may tell you to get over it, to keep pushing, to try harder, and to ignore your feelings but healing your feminine doesn’t need you to forget and walk away from your emotions. If being emotional is a feminine trait then surely the answer to healing your femininity is to do so. Cry when you need to, scream into pillows, shout at nothing, feel your negative emotions just as much as your positive ones. Being emotional is not a bad thing and embracing that is so important in healing.

6. Ask a Goddess for help

Some people don’t work with or believe in deities and that is completely fine, but if you do then this may be something you want to try. As mentioned, Rhiannon came to me and started helping me finally heal my issues with being feminine. If you work with a particular Goddess then you may want to ask for their help but if you don’t have one, in particular, you may wish to call upon goddesses such as Selene, Aphrodite, or Persephone (or any that you feel a strong pull towards). You can pray, write letters, talk to them out loud or ask them to help you during healing rituals. How you ask them for help is entirely up to you but remember to be respectful and return the favour.

Healing is different for everybody and what works for one may not work for others but hopefully, something listed will give you a starting point in your journey. It takes time too so if your progress is slow then focus on the fact that you're actually making any progress at all because that deserves to be celebrated. Know that you aren’t alone and all survivors are on this journey together.

#witchcraft #witchy #wiccan #wicca #witchblr #witch #pagan #paganism #deities #goddess #healing #spirituality #spiritual development #femininity #mental health #mental wellbeing #healingjourney

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thesarcasticside · 3 years ago

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Anything-$00000DDD

Summary

He could have been anything. When he looked inside his own mind, he dug through darkness. Memories like ashes, the particles filling his lungs were all that were familiar to him—and those only felt like nothing. No fragments, just a fine powder.

Janus is a cyborg who works for the Dragon Witch, a criminal mastermind who runs a company that designs cybernetics.

He meets Remus, a self-taught biomedical engineer, and a variety of other robotic and alien characters, all of whom are trying to convince him that he is more than just a cybernetic puppet.

But who is “Dee” if not an empty husk created only to be controlled?

General warnings

Psychological horror, body horror, cybernetics, missing limbs, artificial limbs, Non-consensual forced medical treatment, physical abuse, blood, violence, guns, mind control, permanent amnesia, manipulation, emotional abuse, gaslighting, nightmares, streams of consciousness, unreliable narration. Content that resembles depersonalization, derealization, or dissociation

More notes, links, and chapter text under the cut

AO3 Anything, AO3 series, Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18

This is my story for the 2021 Storytime! Big Bang! @ts-storytime Thank you to @ben-phantomhive-trash, who is the artist I was partnered with for the event! They created this fantastic art!!!! I love it so much I can't even.

Thank you to PunkRock for helping me figure out the shorts characters and other plot things. Also thank you to AryaSkywalker, Thembo, and Carrotflowerking17 and the Big Bang 2021 discord for additional help!!!!

This fic is an alternative entry point to my (In Other Worlds) Series. This fic happens at the same time roughly as Millennia, a companion novel. You can read this fic and then check out the rest of the series, or check out the series and then read this.

Also, I don't use Janus's actual name throughout the fic for thematic and narrative reasons. You'll see. I hope that does not put you off too much. Consider it part of the angst.

Clarification of general warnings and pairings, minor spoilers

I added the tag unreliable narrator, but I will clarify that the narrator is not actively lying to the audience. This tag relates to Janus's memory issues and the uncertainty resulting from that. tbh I would not worry too much about the events being untrue, and more be concerned about these being Janus's imperfect recollection of events.

I think this fic is a bit more violent than Millennia at times, hence I added the archive warning for violence. I still feel like a teen would be fine reading this, so I am keeping the rating Teen and Up. This fic focuses the most on what I dub psychological horror (angst, mind control, memory issues, consciousness, nightmares, etc.). I also tagged this story with disassociation, and content in this fic may resemble derealization and depersonalization.

If you think I should warn/rate this fic differently, I am happy to hear feedback and reconsider.

I tagged this as Remus/Janus, but like, ya gotta squint. Mostly banter and being soft. I love romance, but I have a hard time writing it. Could be seen as platonic too.

HINT 1: KEY.

HINT 2: "kind of" not "kinda"

CHAPTER START

NAME J. D. Dedrick ID 25:35--25:44 / 51:09 ALIENRACE Dūcesnaca OCCUPATION Robotics Researcher

Chapter Warnings cybernetics, missing/artificial limbs (eye, legs), forced medical treatment/experimentation, amnesia, depersonalization/derealization/dissociation, unreliable narration, psychological horror, swearing Chapter Characters Janus, the Dragon Witch, Virgil (not by name)

He woke up to yellow in his eyes, stinging and unfocused. Lights beyond the veil flickered. He saw a figure move; he looked small. After a brief glance into the world, he began to drown. He threw everything into the yellow encasement, and after an agonizing struggle, the rush of acceleration threw him to the ground.

When the air touched his face, black fireworks exploded in his hazy vision, and the first memory he had was gone.

He woke up again, like a corpse left in the stale air for vultures: beaks plucking out his skin piece by piece. His vision blurry and halved, he stared up at the birds breaking his body into bits.

Reports say he was involved in a huge space crash. DRACANA has generously sponsored his artificiality.

That sounded like a lie. That sort of blatant untruth where there was no connection to reality tied to it. Everything his senses told him felt unreal, everything except the pain that grounded him like a shot duck.

Whispers like gossip broke into his mind between droughts of consciousness. His senses were pieced together and broken apart, like pieces of clay in a kiln shattering. Memories of vultures and lab coats glued together by agony floated through space until eventually he was awake.

Probably just one of her business rivals

Dei’dra—he knew her name—loomed over him, to his right. He could see nothing to his left. The light stung, he squinted and blinked his eye. He could feel nothing on the left side of his face. Dei’dra smiled at him.

“Wake up, dollface. Didn’t think you’d make it, but you pulled through.”

He did not know where he was. He did not know who he was. All he knew was that this woman was Dei’dra, the Dragon Witch, and he hated her.

“Well, he seems to be doing well. Might as well put him under and move onto the next stage.”

He lived out his days creating sand sculptures in his mind. He saw himself running in place, downloading skills and targets and concepts. The sand would blow away each day, leaving him with nothing to remember them by.

Between bouts of black unconsciousness, he saw grey, and white, and pale pink, brown, and blue. Abstract shapes morphing into creatures that prodded at him. Cold metal seething, machines twisting his body together like crochet. He gave nonsense names for some, not even names consisting of words, just pure thoughts.

Slowly, he lost sight of the sand in his brain, yet the grains still dripped from his ears when he shook his head. He became a part of reality. Or perhaps he became part of a hellish dream.

Darkness huddled in the damp sides of his eyes, danger snapping at his bruised joints and soles. Deep inside his chest, his heart damned, words mixed with intuitive instincts, daring his body to live beyond the yellow veil.

Stage One of Project $DEE has been completed.

$DEE was not his name. It was what he was called. One of the words that would echo in his brain. Dee. Dee. Dee. Like a rhythm, like the beeping machines. Like the ringing of the heart monitor. It was embedded in his ears. Baby words jumping around, forming pictures, babbling him into nothing.

Dee, his brain still a desert, started to make better sense of this reality he lived in. He could control his body sometimes. He could move his arms. Or what was left of his limbs. Or what they had lent him.

The second picture in his brain, the one after the yellow veil: it was the artificial lights on Lab C’s ceiling. Grey illuminated by white, he stared up at the square tiles and textured glass, like undulating waves of melted sand.

With how long he was locked in place staring up at this picture, he memorized it. He could close his eyes at any moment and picture it in its exact detail again.

“Time to get up, Doll-face. It’s time for your first mission.”

He saw Dei’dra’s face again. He felt his restraints loosen and break away.

His first mission was not all that glorious. He was lanky, unused to moving in his body. He was a wall of meat. Disposable. He followed a trail like a zombie. He barely spoke to the team he was placed in. He remembered their orders regarding him.

“He’s still pretty out of it. Give him some good experience, but we’d like to keep working on him so bring him back in one piece.”

Dee felt like a puppet, simply put. Some machine inside him aimed his cannons and lasers. He stood in place, shooting at targets. He was guided by an invisible leash by the team he was assigned to. He saw sepia shapes. Blurs of bodies. All he could feel was the emotions in his gut telling him, repeatedly:

Youaregoingtodieyouaregoingtodieyouaregoingtodieagainyouaregoingtodiestoppleasestoppleaseyouaregoingtodiestopstopstopstopstop.

He was kept suspended in place while his body completed the mission. And then he was back in Lab C, mind clearer.

He was thinking in sentences now. He could monologue, like any great villain. That is what he had become, hadn’t he? Why a villain? Where had he learned that word? The more he sifted through the sand, the more words he could find he no longer remembered learning. They were just there, connected to nothing. No memory. No past life.

He kept thinking these words. And then he decided that since his jaw was not glued shut, he would give speaking a try. Garbled and slurred at first, he kept talking as much as they let him.

They made him run between ceilings of grey. They made him speak between illuminated square tiles. He practiced lines of a script. Subterfuge settled in his brain like a mirage in the distance between the settled sand.

He could walk on the unsteady ground once again. He could see. He could hear. He could experience the world around him. He gazed up at the ceiling but was interrupted by a splotch of dark violet.

Another blot. Another vulture. He stood there out of the corner of his artificial eye.

“What are you waiting for? Get on with the tests.” His voice sharp, cutting through his tongue.

This was an unusual time of day for tests. To say it was a time of day was generous. It was more like he would be experimented on for hours upon hours and then suddenly they would stop. Nothing to do but bask in the nothingness it brought.

At this point, Dee thought that he was done with most of the tests. He had his limbs. He had an eye, which he opened wider to get a better look at the violet blotch. Something about the blotch was connected to something else in his brain, but he could not quite place it.

“Well, whatever it is, get on with it, it certainly could not have waited until morning.”

It shuffled closer to him. Less of a blotch now. He could make out shapes. He could recognize his face now if he saw him again.

Air escaped his lungs, and then he said again, asking, “Whatever might you need from me today, doctor?”

The blotch was shaking. “If you are just here to sight-see, I am going back to sleep.” His eyes weighed heavily on his face, eyelids falling through his willpower.

“Are you… okay?”

No, I am not ‘okay’. I am ‘$DEE.’

“Do I LOOK okay? Yeah sure, I am right as rain, having a grand old time—feeling peachy, even.” At this point, the words just spiraled off his tongue and through his teeth. The blotch made a sound, and Dee’s frustration grew, the pain of today’s tests ricocheting in his body.

“If you aren’t here to run another one of your little tests, then just get out. Go tell your superior, or better yet, go tell Dei’dra to go fuck herself and leave me alone.”

And he left him alone. He wondered vaguely what that was all about. He then fell asleep.

#ts (In Other Worlds)#ts (INW)#ts Janus #ts deceit #ts the dragon witch #ts storytime #ts storytime 2021 #ts big bang #ts Virgil #sarcasm writes #sarcasm ts fic #thomas sanders #sander sides #sander sides fic #ts Anything

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pies-writes-and-more · 5 years ago

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AVENGERS M A S T E R L I S T

**SERIES**

Falling Masterlist Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Collaboration with @wxstedhexrt // poetry focused fics! // TW: anxious thoughts, disassociation experiences and others so please read the warnings in each part! Based on poems written by the incredible Destiny of @wxstedhexrt! Bucky Barnes is falling in so many different kinds of ways - he’s falling in and out of his brain, in and out of reality, in and out of nightmares... and falling in love? Maybe this is the one he doesn’t want to fall out of.

Mr. Steve ( part 1 // part 2 ) Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // Soulmate AU In a universe where your soulmate’s name is written on your wrist after you meet them, receiving a wedding invitation from her friend is just another reminder that (Y/N) has yet to find her soulmate. But maybe this wedding will be a little bit more exciting, with the help of a tiny child without a filter.

can’t take my mind off of you, Mr. Steve Rogers ( part 1 // part 2 // part 3 ) - COMPLETED Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader Steve Rogers and (Y/N) used to date. Emphasis on the used to. But when an important date from their relationship comes up, it stirs up some emotions too. As if to add to the fire, (Y/N) bumps into an old friend who suggests that maybe Steve’s feelings towards (Y/N) aren’t quite gone. And even though it’s hard to admit, especially because she has a new boyfriend, maybe (Y/N)’s feelings aren’t gone either.

Must’ve Been the Wind ( part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 ) - COMPLETED Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Song Inspo: Must’ve Been the Wind by Alec Benjamin // requested TW: mentions of abusive relationship that (Y/N) is involved in, not too graphic in my opinion but please be wary reading if it may trigger something for you. The girl in the apartment above Bucky’s seems to be in some sort of distress, though she insists that Bucky’s just hearing things. The two bond quickly and soon enough, Bucky wants to rescue her from a situation that she insists isn’t there. Is he just hearing the wind? Or is it a cry for help?

Unlovable ( part 1 // part 2 // part 3 ) - COMPLETED Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader There’s one other person besides Steve that makes Bucky feel comfortable in the era he’s not supposed to be in. She makes him feel safe, never pushes him to do anything, and that smile always makes his stomach flip. But a situation without clear communication leaves both Bucky and (Y/N) unsure of if the other feels the same about them.

**Domestic/Homely!Steve Collection ( Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader ) :

Home After months without hearing from his wife and daughter, Steve just wants to be home. He doesn’t care if he could be hurt from his fights, he just wants to see his little girl and the woman he loves. (The beginning of my Homely!Steve Collection!)

Grocery Shopping Steve wants to help out any way he can at home since he’s gone so often. But grocery shopping without a list can be a little stressful, especially with a little mischievous girl.

A Kid’s Imagination When (Y/N) goes to pick up Sarah from school, she’s met with an odd response from the teacher about an announcement Sarah made to her classmates. Rather than talk to Steve about it, she decides to have a little fun with it.

Santa Claus Steve’s back from a long mission and all he wants to do is be with his wife and little girl. Thankfully, they’re not too far from home… and Steve has the perfect Christmas plan to surprise them.

kidnapped.... or pretzels? Steve wakes up in the dead of night to find an empty bed beside him. His mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario as to what could’ve happened to the love of his life, (Y/N).

Dance Recitals If there's one thing that Steve Rogers loves, it's watching his little girl learn how to dance. So he goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't miss too many of her practices. Now, he has to find out how to not miss her first dance recital...

** Stay tuned for more! Send in a request if you think of some cute Dad!Steve Rogers prompts!!**

**ONE SHOTS**

Dinner and a Show Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // done for a writing challenge // prompt: “This is one of those moments when I tell you something isn’t a good idea and you ignore me, isn’t it?” The one where Steve impulsively insists on proving that Y/N’s date for the evening is trash instead of figuring out his feelings for her, meanwhile, Bucky learns that food is way overpriced lol

accidentally ruining relationships Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader Y/N spends the evening desperately looking for answers about her love life with her close friend, Bucky. Maybe the reason her relationships aren’t working out is because her heart belongs to another.

A French Kiss Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // Alternative Universe Fic // based on a tweet Y/N came to Paris with a plan: take a photo with a cute man next to the Eiffel Tower, just like how her and cheating ex-boyfriend had always planned on doing, and make that son of a bitch jealous. Thankfully, there’s a super cute blond guy who just so happens to be nearby.

Makeshift Thanksgiving Dinner+ Steve Rogers x Fem!EastAsian!Reader Steve Rogers is beyond nervous to finally be meeting his girlfriend's parents. Especially when it's a meeting for Thanksgiving dinner... though (Y/N) neglects to mention until they're almost there that her east asian family doesn't usually have a typical 'American' Thanksgiving dinner... (Super fluffy I promise :))

Take a Hint Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader (Y/N) literally just wants to go out and have a good time with her girls. So why do guys seem to never take ‘no’ for an answer? To try to prevent more annoying encounters with men who can’t take a hint, (Y/N) slips on two rings onto her left hand and assumes the married life. It’s all well and good... until someone sees the rings as a challenge. Enter from stage right, our hero.

boardroom fantasies NSFW, 18+ only, S M U T // Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // done for a prompt challenge // prompt: “You wanna have sex….here? Now?” Steve can’t help how tight his pants get when (Y/N) is working nearby. While everyone else goes out for drinks, he pulls her aside to show her that the Accounting Guy who keeps asking her out isn’t who she should be with.

Holiday Kiss Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Christmas fic Bucky is a little tired of Christmas traditions for the day but with (Y/N) around, there’s just one more tradition he’d like to give a try.

Anxiety Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // TW: lots of anxious thoughts based on my own so be careful if this is a trigger for you! Today’s the day Steve comes back from a mission and (Y/N) is beyond excited to see him. But when you have a little Anxiety monster whispering believable nonsense in your ear, it’s hard to get out of your head.

5 ways Steve Rogers says I Love You (and 1 way he doesn’t) Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // sad ending so if you don’t wanna be sad, don’t read the last bit lol Steve Rogers loves you and here’s just a collection of ways he shows it. But not everything has a happy ending.

Healthy Competition Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Sam Wilson x Fem!Reader // SURPRISE PAIRING // requested It’s not every day that the boys are all infatuated with the same human being. So when they realize they’re all falling head over heels for one girl, Steve insists some ground rules need to be laid out. Little do they know, there’s one person already that (Y/N) is swooning over.

home is a person Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Post inspo: “Someone asked me to describe home and I started talking about your hair colour and the sound of your voice and the taste of your lips and how your skin feels like. Until I realized they had expected to hear a place.” When asked what home was like in a conversation about their past lives, Bucky Barnes immediately thinks of something other than his 1940s home. He thinks of her.

The Waitress Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // done for a writing challenge // song prompt: “If things get worse, will you still be here?” 405 by This Wild Life Steve Rogers has finally worked up the guts to ask out the super cute waitress at the diner he frequents… except it’s hard to ask out of a girl when you’re a) already super nervous, b) unsure if it’s rude to ask her out, and c) when you have Dumb and Dumber insisting they tag along.

Fate’s Ribbon Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader // Soulmate AU Fate ties a ribbon to every baby that’s born. It’s black to everyone else but your soulmate, who sees it as bright red. Bucky Barnes doesn’t want a soulmate, especially after becoming a completely different person than he was in the 40s. But you can’t run away from what Fate has planned for you.

Happy Moments Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // prompt list // requested Prompts: a perfectly brewed cup of tea and dust floating in golden sunlight Steve Rogers has a few happy moments stored in his brain for when times got tough. He thinks about each of them and how they’re each a part of him. But in this moment, this place, he was happiest.

Probability Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader Steve Rogers is an insecure little bum sometimes. But he’s 75% sure that the girl of his dreams shares his affections… okay 70%…. maybe less….

Fate’s Sense of Humour Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // Soulmate AU Everyone is born with a soulmark, generally a signature or some sort of mark to define who this person was. And when you meet your soulmate, your mark gets darker and darker. Everyone is born with this. Except Steve Rogers. He had practically given up on finding someone to be with without a soulmark, until he wakes up from the ice to find a faded grey signature on his arm.

Jealous (Strong) Steve Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // requested Steve Rogers, the man behind the shield, knows that his strength only came from an injection. He isn’t a Norse god, how could he compete against Thor who seems to have all of (Y/N)’s affections? Steve Rogers is a jealous man. A strong jealous man who just keeps breaking things.

Studying Anatomy Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // requested Steve loves his girlfriend very much, so when she practically begs for him to help her study for her anatomy test, how can he say no?

Young But Sure Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // requested Sometimes people have different wants for their future. Sometimes their future includes a pet, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes people want to live in the country, and some just want to live in the middle of the city. Steve Rogers wants kids… and he assumed that his girlfriend did too.

Nosebleeds Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader A Stark Industries tradition was that every year, interns, agents, admins, and all the Avengers were asked to join in on a volleyball tournament. And every year (Y/N)’s team wins. She expected to have some fierce competition from the Captain’s team… she expected wrong.

Coming Home Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader No matter how long he was gone, (Y/N) always slept on the couch when Steve was away on missions so she could be the first thing he saw when he came back. Steve is happy to be home with the girl he loves.

Kiss (* Endgame Spoilers *) Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader He just looked so hot, the fire in his eyes, ready to fight. (Y/N) just can’t help herself, she just needs a kiss before they go off to their potential deaths.

Blue Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader Steve in blue is too much to handle whilst sober, (Y/N) decides. So while attending Tony Stark’s birthday party, (Y/N) doesn’t stop to drink her anxiety away making for entertaining company for Steve.

Pizza and the Medical Student Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader // College Roommates AU // requested (Y/N) just wants to study for her final. Steve wants to keep her happy. Bucky wants them to just admit their goddamn feelings for each other already.

**Super Cringy-ish Older Fics I Wrote that I Don’t Have Good Summaries For**

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theusurpersdog · 5 years ago

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He Would Make a Monster of Me

In the same way Dany’s political struggles reflect her personal misgivings, the way she interacts with everyone around her is a reflection of her internal struggle. Through the bonds/professional relationships she forms with Daario, Missandei, Hizdahr, Skahaz mo Kandaq, and Reznak mo Reznak, we see several different sides of Daenerys, as well as further understand what appeals or attracts her. While Daenerys was always going to make certain choices, the way she interacts with people close to her helps to push her into being a darker person, more paranoid and less willing to help.

Skahaz mo Kandaq and Reznak mo Reznak

Skahaz, more commonly referred to as the “Shavepate”, and Reznak are the two advisors Daenerys has that are highborn Meereenese. The way Daenerys interacts with the two of them offers a lot of insight into her thought processes; while she has a general distaste for both men, Dany much prefers the Shavepate and listens to many of his suggestions, while completely ignoring Reznak, even though on the surface they are the same. So, what is the difference?

The Shavepate firmly rejects Meereen; getting his nickname because he shaved his head, swearing off the hairstyles that are Meereenese tradition. While Reznak is also loyal to Dany, he does no such displays of elaborate commitment. Both men try desperately to keep Dany’s favor, showering her with all sorts of compliments and never daring to speak out of turn, but the Shavepate realizes something that Reznak does not; Daenerys’ hatred of Meereen is easily exploited. Because of this, he is able to keep Dany blind to all of his schemes and becomes a much more valued advisor than Reznak, even though Reznak would be a much more trustworthy ally for Dany.

Before I get into how Dany being manipulated by the Shavepate affects her arc, I want to make the case for the Shavepate’s duplicity. A Dance with Dragons is so detailed that a lot of people seem to miss how he works behind the scenes, but the more you re-read the more it stands out. The most suspicious thing he does is the implication that he is the one who poisons Dany’s locusts; I won’t lay the case for that out here, because the Meereenese Blot essays have already done that. Of course, that’s not a confirmed detail, but it makes much more sense than Hizdahr poisoning them; and as I’m about to argue, fits perfectly in line with the Shavepate’s previous actions.

Every chance he gets, the Shavepate tries to lead Daenerys towards violence as a solution to her problems. When the Sons of the Harpy kill one of Dany’s men, he suggests torture:

“Skahaz, I have changed my mind. Question the man sharply.”

“I could. Or I could question the daughters sharply whilst the father looks on. That will wring some names from him.”

It’s implied that he’s been torturing people before this, but he escalates the violence by involving innocents this time. As I laid out in my last post, this does nothing to help Dany; all of the information learned from the torture is false, and only works to turn the Nobles against her. Yet, through the entire book, Skahaz fights to keep torturing. That only makes sense if he is trying to sow discord between Daenerys and her enemies. He also suggests to Dany that she kill Hazzea’s father to keep the secret from getting out; while it’s easy to argue that the suggestion was made in good faith, it’s equally likely he hoped Daenerys would get caught killing one of the poor Meereenese and turn her remaining allies against her. And even if the suggestion was made in good faith, it does not speak well of him that he would kill a man for grieving his daughter.

And when Daenerys is tempted by Xaro Xhoan Daxos to leave Meereen, this is his reaction:

Reznak mo Reznak gave a piteous moan. “Then it is true. Your Worship means to abandon us.” He wrung his hands. “The Yunkai’i will restore the Great Masters the instant you are gone, and we who have so faithfully served your cause will be put to the sword, our sweet wives and maiden daughters raped and enslaved.”

“Not mine,” grumbled Skahaz Shavepate. “I will kill them first, with mine own hand.” He slapped his sword belt.

Reznak’s reaction is the one you would expect Dany’s advisors to have; having turned their backs on the most powerful people in the city, Reznak and Skahaz should depend on Dany to protect them. Yet Skahaz encourages her to leave, not fearing for his safety if she were to abandon the city. That suggests Skahaz has many friends to keep him safe, even though he has never mentioned these powerful friends to Dany.

And, even more suspiciously, he slowly builds himself an army right under Daenerys’ nose, with her permission. The Brazen Beasts are technically sworn to serve Dany, but they wear masks and change every day, and she thinks to herself she has no idea who they are. In practice, they would be the Shavepate’s men; that’s made clear through Quentyn and Barristan’s chapters after Daenerys leaves, when Skahaz uses them to stage a coup. The more you go through Skahaz’s actions and analyze the advice he gives Dany, it becomes abundantly clear he has a lot going on behind the scenes - none of it particularly in Dany’s favor.

Yet she doesn’t notice any of it; yes, she has general suspicions, but she is much more wary of Reznak, even though he has none of the red flags Skahaz does (him begging her to stay is more than enough proof that he is loyal to her; if he were going to betray her, it makes no sense to try and keep her if she would willingly go. And it also suggests he has no other allies or backup plans; he needs Dany to stay). She overlooks Skahaz’s strange behavior because she wants to listen to him; she wants to torture and punish the Meereenese nobles so she lets him, and even though she isn’t seriously tempted to kill Hazzea’s father, she isn’t repulsed by the idea (as she should be) because a part of her wants to believe he is a liar and deserves to die.

Daenerys is very good at resisting many types of flattery, never being fooled by Hizdahr’s compliments or Xaro Xhoan Daxos’ proclamations of her beauty. But she is easily fooled by the flattery of agreement; she gives Skahaz far too much power because he shows as much distaste for the city as she does. In previous books, there were hints that Dany did not take kindly to being disagreed with, like when she snapped at Jorah or Barristan, but it was always tempered by her own indecision; when she asked them for advice, she genuinely didn’t know what she was going to do. But she knows what she wants to do in Meereen, and just needs someone to tell her it’s okay, which Skahaz is eager to do. By simply disliking Meereen, Skahaz can convince Daenerys to do almost everything he asks, while gaining status and power.

Daario Naharis and Hizdahr zo Loraq

Daario and Hizdahr are Dany’s two suitors through A Dance with Dragons, and the way Dany responds to them, loving one and feeling nothing for the other, is incredibly insightful as to what drives her. I talked a lot about Dany’s hatred of Meereen in my first meta, and her relationships with Skahaz and Reznak works as a great illustration of that; and on the surface, the same is true of Daario and Hizdahr. But, while Hizdahr’s Meereenese ties definitely influences Dany’s opinions of him, her apathy towards him isn’t driven by it; she isn’t attracted to him because she simply isn’t. Yet she feels an almost magnetic pull to Daario. This contrast is very telling.

The relationship Dany has with Hizdahr is notable for how little is actually there. Through her chapters, much is made over the marriage that may or may not happen, depending on Hizdahr following through with 90 peaceful days, but almost all of the thoughts Dany has focus more on the idea of marriage itself, and how that would ruin her relationship with Daario; Hizdahr himself isn’t very important to her. Unlike everything else connected to Meereen, which Dany absolutely hates, she feels nothing strongly (positive or negative) about Hizdahr; perhaps because he is quick to disassociate himself from traditional Meereenese things, shaving his hair, abandoning his tokar, offering to marry her, quickly obliging to the requests she makes to change the wedding customs, and so on. She thinks to herself how annoying it is that he always asks about the fighting pits, but in a playful way that is more jest than anger. I say all of this to make one thing clear: Daenerys has no moral issue with Hizdahr. He may or may not be a better or worse person than Daario, considering he owned slaves and is looking out for himself in stopping the killings and going along with Dany, but that’s not what turns her off to him (it does bother her when they attend the fighting pits together, but that is after they have entered a loveless marriage). Throughout her chapters, she thinks to herself that he is handsome and well-spoken, even charming. She just doesn’t love him:

Hizdahr took her by the shoulders as tenderly as if she were a baby bird. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to hers. His kiss was light and dry and quick. Dany felt no stirrings.

"Shall I … kiss you again?" he asked when it was over.

"No." On her terrace, in her bathing pool, the little fish would nibble at her legs as she soaked. Even they kissed with more fervor than Hizdahr zo Loraq. "I do not love you."

Oppositely, Daenerys is passionately in love with Daario, who she does have moral issue with:

“He would make a monster of me,” she whispered, “a butcher queen.”

He has a sellsword’s conscience, she realized then. That is to say, none at all.

Further, Daario’s amorality is what she finds attractive in him. GRRM’s POV structure means that we see the world through Dany’s eyes, therefore everything we know is filtered through her understanding; and all we know of Daario is his outlandish physical appearance, that he is a sellsword, and that he is a terrible person. Dany doesn’t know anything about his life, how he grew up, or any other personal details.

Barristan brushes this off as young girls always wanting the hottest, flashiest man to be with (which says a lot more about him than her. . .), but there is a lot more going on. A huge part of why she is attracted to Daario is how guiltless he is. As I’ve tried to detail through all the books, Dany has these impulses to “be a dragon”, to sack cities and conquer continents, burning whoever gets in her way; the only problem being how awful she feels about the collateral damage. I’ll get into it even more in my next meta, but Daario is very similar to Daenerys, but he has none of the moral hang-ups she does. He is living proof that her worst impulses are okay. So, after Hazzea’s death, when she is questioning her own morality for allowing that to happen and has to chain her dragons, she uses Daario as an escape.

She knows that she could never sleep with him or marry him, and at first barely allows herself to think of him; she intentionally sends him away from her, and only lets herself lust after him but not act on those feelings. But the more she has to commit to Meereen, the more she begins to break her own rules. And when she has to make the ultimate sacrifice and commitment to Meereen in marrying Hizdahr, she finally gives in and sleeps with Daario. The more Daenerys gives to Meereen, the more she allows herself to escape into Daario. This isn’t strictly bad – Daenerys is giving a lot to Meereen, and everyone needs some way of escaping.

But Daario isn’t a pure escape as much as he’s an excuse. At the end of A Storm of Swords, Daenerys makes the choice to stay in Meereen, temporarily giving up her pursuit of the Iron Throne. But when she made that choice, she didn’t fully understand the weight of it, thinking she could still be the mother of dragons. But Hazzea’s death makes her realize that she has to give up that part of herself; and from that moment forward, everything Dany does in Meereen is one more piece she has to give away. And on the surface, she is giving these pieces away, sacrificing her dragon nature for the good of her people. But the more pieces she gives away, the more intense her affair grows with Daario. The more she ties herself to the city, the more she withdraws from it:

On the day that he returned from his latest sortie, he had tossed the head of a Yunkish lord at her feet and kissed her in the hall for all the world to see, until Barristan Selmy pulled the two of them apart.

Daenerys’ dragons are too big a temptation for her to really give up, and Daario is the way she holds onto that piece of herself. And while she feels forced into giving up her dragons, mostly by her own feelings of guilt, Daario never makes her feel ashamed of that part of herself:

And who would ever dare to love a dragon?

She found herself thinking of Daario Naharis once again

Missandei

The relationship between Daenerys and Missandei is one of the most complex bonds Daenerys has, and is one of many that pulls her in two different directions. Missandei looks up to Dany as a mother, and even convinces Daenerys to see herself that way. But underneath the maternal themes of their relationship, it reveals how inherently childlike Daenerys still is at heart, in both good and bad ways.

When I say “childlike”, I don’t mean immature, petulant, or stupid. The way Daenerys interacts with Irri and Jhiqui is much better at illustrating those aspects of Dany’s character, since her handmaidens are similar in age to her, yet Dany treats them very different than she treats herself. In her first chapter, she thinks this:

Dothraki were wise where horses were concerned, but could be utter fools about much else. They are only girls, besides. Her handmaids were of an age with her

Daenerys is often dismissive of Irri and Jhiqui, largely because of their age, yet doesn’t see herself as a young girl even though they are the same age. She can see all the flaws of youth in her handmaidens, but can’t see them in herself. This is best on display when Irri and Jhiqui argue over Rakharo:

“Rakharo is blood of my blood. His life belongs to me, not you,” Dany told the two of them. Rakharo had grown almost half a foot during his time away from Meereen and returned with arms and legs thick with muscle and four bells in his hair. He towered over Aggo and Jhogo now, as her handmaids had both noticed. “Now be quiet, I need to bathe.”

Daenerys’ impatience with Irri and Jhiqui’s crush is intensely hypocritical, considering her own near-obsession with Daario Naharis.

But her relationship with Missandei brings out a different kind of inner child in Daenerys, and the way the two interact is fascinating. In Meereen, Dany is constantly arguing with everyone; Skahaz and Reznak are out for themselves and she fights with them often, Hizdahr tries to make her more Meereenese, Daario tries the opposite, and Barristan pushes her toward Westeros. Amongst all the fighting, Missandei is the only one who always agrees with Dany:

Only the little scribe Missandei seemed to share the queen's misgivings.

only Missandei seemed to hear

The way that Daenerys and Missandei always agree draws an interesting connection; to see through Dany’s eyes is to see through the eyes of an eleven-year-old girl. This isn’t entirely bad; Dany looks at things with a clarity that only children can. She can look at something horrible, like the Unsullied in Astapor, or the poor Lhazareen women, and instantly feel sick over it; unlike the adults around her, who find it easy to justify horror. And when the sick people from Astapor are outside the walls of Meereen, it allows Dany to be the only one unconflicted about helping them.

But it can also be an extremely negative character trait. The same clarity that Dany uses to help people also forces her into a certain simplicity; children see the word in black and white. She fails to see her own responsibility in what happened to the Lhazareen women, fails to see the patterns she perpetuates with the Unsullied, and so on. Particularly in Meereen, this becomes a problem. In Dany’s eyes, her deciding to stay should be the end of her problems; she chose to do the right thing, so why is everyone fighting her on it? She doesn’t understand that even though the city being taken from the Masters was a good thing, the savage way it was done leaves scars. Looking all the way back to A Game of Thrones, it’s clear that Daenerys doesn’t understand that sometimes doing the right thing is hard. She spends the whole book trying to fight this truth about herself, constantly trying to seem, to be, older than she is. But she can’t, because it is the only reason she chose to stay in Meereen:

“I was tired, Jorah. I was weary of war. I wanted to rest, to laugh, to plant trees and see them grow. I am only a young girl.”

Back when I wrote about A Storm of Swords, I said Daenerys may not be capable of happiness; the same pervasive melancholy that defined Rhaegar seemed to follow Daenerys, too. And this is why: the young girl in her wants too many different things. She’s impatient and selfish, wanting to take what is hers, to sail to Westeros and sit the Iron Throne. But the conquest makes her feel tired and weary; war does not sit with her. So she tries, many times through every book, for peace; but peace does not sit with her either. She cannot be happy. Unless something breaks; a piece of her gives up, making way for her other desires.

Betrayals

In every relationship she has, Daenerys is constantly searching for signs of betrayal. Since the House of the Undying, she knows she is destined for two more betrayals (under the assumption Mirri Maz Duur was the first), and when Ser Jorah’s treason was revealed at the end of A Storm of Swords, Daenerys starts to grow genuinely paranoid:

“What if Daario has betrayed me and gone over to my enemies?”

Other nights she tossed in her bed, imagining that he'd betrayed her, as he had once betrayed his fellow captains in the Stormcrows

Has Reznak made common cause with Hizdahr and the Green Grace and set some trap to snare me?

The Undying of Qarth had told her she would be thrice betrayed. Mirri Maz Duur had been the first, Ser Jorah the second. Would Reznak be the third? The Shavepate? Daario? Or will it be someone I would never suspect, Ser Barristan or Grey Worm or Missandei?

It gets to the point that all Daenerys can see is potential slights against her:

The tumblers who came next failed to move her either, even when they formed a human pyramid nine levels high, with a naked little girl on top. Is that meant to represent my pyramid? The queen wondered. Is the girl on top meant to be me?

Daenerys has been worried ever since Mirri Maz Duur “betrayed” her, and the Undying made it worse, but the precarious politics of Meereen serve to push Daenerys over the edge, where she has trouble trusting anything and starts to treat people in a way that would cause their betrayals.

Foreshadowing

Quaithe reappearing in Dany’s life instigates her obsession with prophecies and betrayals by giving her a new set of riddles:

“Hear me, Daenerys Targaryen. The glass candles are burning. Soon comes the pale mare, and after her the others. Kraken and dark flame, lion and griffin, the sun’s son and the mummer’s dragon. Trust none of them. Remember the Undying. Beware the perfumed seneschal.”

Through this series of metas, I’ve mostly focused on the foreshadowing that comes from Dany’s character development, and ignored breaking down some of the more blatant author attempts to clue in his audience. But A Dance with Dragons really pushes those elements into high gear, because Daenerys already has one set of prophecies, and then receives another quite early in the book and is left pondering what it means through all of her chapters.

And that’s actually very unique within A Song of Ice and Fire. While there is plenty of prophecies, they are almost never actually told to someone; the prophecy of Azor Ahai isn’t given to Stannis, he hears it and makes it his own, and the same thing occurred with Rhaegar and the Prince that was Promised. The only other character to actually be given a prophecy is Cersei (I’ll write more about that connection some other time . . .); so the choice to have Dany know that certain things will happen to her, and have her struggle to understand what it all means, is very interesting.

One thing I think people forget is that Dany’s interpretation of her prophecies is entirely fallible; just as Cersei is convinced Tyrion will be her valonqar, Daenerys interprets some of her prophecy wrong in an attempt to put it behind her; wanting to believe that Ser Jorah and Brown Ben Plumm are her second and third betrayals so she won’t have to fear anymore. But I’m very convinced Jorah is not Dany’s betrayal for gold; he himself says many times that he didn’t do it for money, and even Dany’s subconscious knows that (this excerpt is from her hallucinations on the Dothraki Sea):

"You betrayed me. You informed on me, for gold."

For home. Home was all I ever wanted.

I believe Dany still has two more major betrayals coming in The Winds of Winter or A Dream of Spring. I’m not sure of what her betrayal for gold will be (perhaps Euron, since there seems to be a connection drawn between her loves and betrayals?), but A Dance with Dragons offers many clues as to her betrayal for love, which I am convinced is Jon Snow. Starting in A Storm of Swords, Dany starts to notice that her dragons fight often amongst each other, mostly due to bullying by Drogon; considering Drogon has always been a stand-in for Daenerys herself, I don’t think it’s too much of a leap to assume this foreshadows how she will interact with the other two “heads of the dragon”, Jon likely being one.

A Dance with Dragons is also the book that changes how Dany will come to Westeros; before, she was very focused on how she would be received, worrying about bringing Dothraki and thinking that she wanted people to cheer her on. But the choice she makes in her last chapter means that can’t happen anymore. Not coincidentally, A Dance with Dragons is also the book that has a lot of imagery of Daenerys and wolves:

Dany would make a poor meal for a wolf or lion, but even a poor meal was better than none.

"The Lamb Men. Would that lambs had teeth."

"That would make the wolves more cautious, no doubt."

My flesh will feed the wolves and carrion crows, she thought sadly, and worms will burrow through my womb.

All of these examples are illusions to the Starks, but there is one particular instance that can only be Jon:

Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely, but no less hungry.

I tie this specifically to Jon because of the context in which it is said (these lines fall directly before the above quote):

Poison. It had to be poison. The honeyed locusts. Hizdahr urged them on me, but Belwas ate them all. She had made Hizdahr her king, taken him into her bed, opened the fighting pits for him, he had no reason to want her dead. Yet who else could it have been? Reznak, her perfumed seneschal? The Yunkai’i? The Sons of the Harpy?

Daenerys is contemplating the idea of her lover killing her, and then hears a wolf howl that makes her feel sad and lonely.

#daenerys targaryen #anti daenerys #game of thrones #asoiaf #asoiaf meta #A Dance with Dragons

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newandfiguringitout · 5 years ago

Text

May 1st Anchor

So This is my contribution to the May writing Challenge, I hope to do them every day but bear with me. Also the only knowledge of ships and pirates comes from Pirates of the Caribbean so expect wrong terminology. I am also not the best at writing and such so don’t expect much. The keep reading thing is just to shorten it.

Content Warning: Disassociation, bruises, kidnapped, unconventional restraints, pirates in general, dehydration, swearing

They tied him to the anchor, to the FUCKING anchor, to keep him out of the way after the second time he escaped the pirate’s brig. It had been oh so easy to pick those locks, the cheap kind with only a few tumblers, the one on the door had been even easier than the shackles. After that it had just been a matter of avoiding crew members until somebody decides - hey I'm gonna go check on that prisoner we got locked up - the bright fucker then had raised the alarm and everyone had gone on a manhunt for the stowaway.

That was how he had ended up here, tied to the anchor, over the side of the Death’s Courage. Pretty name for a ship, especially suitable for a pirate ship.

The edge of the anchor wasn’t sharp, so he had that to be grateful for, but it dug painfully into his back in a way that was slowly driving him to the brink of madness. The whole situation was not made better by the fact that the sun existed. Well, the sun is important to everything, but it’s current presence beating down on him and blinding him, was not exactly a warm and fuzzy feeling. But it was warm and fuzzy. It was so fucking hot, and his head felt like it had been stuffed with an expensive wool. Wool that could be doing anything else, the wool could be some cape for some monarch or it could keep a sheep warm. But no, it was too busy stuffing his head. All that potential wasted on making him miserable.

Deep down he knew his thoughts were being stupid and made no sense, but he was content to complain into his brain and let his thoughts drift. Silencing the irrational thoughts took too much effort. So he let himself drift and think of funny and stupid ways to put words together.

Anything to distract him from the figuratively bruising headache and the literal bruising that would form in rings around his wrists and chest. He couldn’t blame the pirates for tying his hands behind the anchor before wrapping him in ropes, but damn it hurt. It wasn’t even the cut and dry hurt of a knife, it was a silent ache that screamed for attention it didn’t deserve but somehow still got.

He winced as the boat rocked and the pressure on his back increased. He’d have bruises there tomorrow, but couldn’t bring himself to care yet. He could care when he turned his brain back on.

The pirates had the anchor lashed to the side of the ship and it rested on wooden supports where it could be pushed into the water with little effort. He tried not to think about how easy it would be for them to just shove it into the sea. It would go down fast, only stopping when it reaches the very bottom. It would drag him down and down and down until the water pressure alone would kill him.

“Havin’ fun down there?” The prisoner spared a glance up at the pirate, the man had a face, that much he could tell through bleary eyes, so he could only guess at the man’s expression.

He sent a wary glance at the sea before his eyes shot back up at the man, “The time of my life.” He had tried to cast the comment with his usual care-free tone, but had ended up betraying a smidgen of his misery. He was thirsty, hungry, his legs were cramping, headache pounding at his skull, eyes burning not to mention the thousand other pains that came with being tied to an anchor. In short, this was one of the worst brigs he’s ever been in. How long had he been out here, baked by the sun, chilled by the water and overall exhausted to the bone.

He supposed that was the point of tying someone to an anchor.

“Captain figured you should be fed, lest ye waste away.” He knew that sounded too good to not have a dagger hiding behind those words. But he couldn’t help the growl of his stomach at the thought of food. When was the last time he had eaten?

The pirate disappeared behind the railing of the boat, and he had expected for them to free him so he could feed himself. But no movement came from the heavy chain and the pirate didn’t come back

He craned his neck to try and see what they intended to do to him. Just as he began to think they had been toying with him, he saw a flash of movement over the rail.

“Just a moment sir,” a young voice called, very different from the grizzled pirate he’d seen before. A small head peeked over the side of the rail and gave him a cheeky grin. The boy couldn’t have been more than twelve, the child ducked out of sight and began to climb over the rail, down toward the prisoner. A rope had been fastened around his waist and woven between his legs to make a harness of sorts, some slack had been dropped over the side and he lowered himself down using both hands. Hanging from his belt were a couple of flasks and a canteen.

Surprised and more than a little awed, the young man watched with fascination as the boy lowered himself and tied off the slack at the top of the anchor. Then climbed down to be standing barefoot on one of the three arms of the anchor. The child had ebony skin, short, curly hair and wore a smile bigger than his over-sized tunic. He stood in a ta-da pose with his arms raised above his head and balancing on the metal.

His expression must have looked funny, because the kid burst out laughing.

He was nearly at a loss for words, but figured he should start the conversation,“I would applaud but,” he nodded at his torso, wrapped in rope, “I’m a little tied up at the moment.”

The truly terrible pun earned him a snort from the kid who moved closer, to a more balanced place on the metal contraption.

“Name’s Rig.” the kid reached for one of his flasks and carefully undid it from his belt, apparently unbothered by the swaying of the ship. “But you can calls me Riggs or Riggy.”

“Dalton,” the prisoner replied, eyeing the flask in the kid's hand with keen interest.

“I brought you some water and some porridge. Porridge is more water than porridge though, had to get it to flow out of the flask you see so I put some water in there.”

Dalton tried to swallow, but it was made difficult by the dryness in his throat. The kid kept grinning and let the stopper hang off the neck of the flask, bringing it to the captive’s lips. Dalton drank the lukewarm water greedily, trying to drink away the salty taste in his mouth. Riggy pulled the water away and Dalton tried to follow it with his mouth.

“Not so fast sir, you’ll get sick,” he said the last half as if sharing a secret, low whisper and wide eyed. The moment only lasted a few brief seconds before the kid, Riggy, broke the stoic silence with a toothy grin. “I got you some porridge too sir,” he stopped the flask and returned it to his belt where he pulled out a slightly smaller one.

“Ole’ Gin makes the best porridge, all thick and creamy, but it doesn’t pour right so I watered it down. More like broth than porridge but it’s still porridge sir.” Riggy looked up at Dalton, (despite having gangly limbs the child was short) his eyes searching for .... approval?

Dalton glances down at the flask, hunger at the forefront of his mind. “In my books porridge is porridge, and that right there,” he nodded to the flask, “sounds like a truly splendid meal.”

Rig giggled, a pure and innocent sound, and brought the flask to the captive’s lips. A slightly warm, and significantly diluted, almost bitter tasting sludge flowed smoothly into Dalton’s mouth. He nearly moaned with delight. It was food. Food. Not solid, and definitely not tasty, but it was food.

Rig fed him the porridge slowly, at Dalton’s request. He didn’t want to put too much in just to have it all come right back out. During the entire time Rig talked.

“I’m called Rigs because I can climb all over the rigging and ropes over the whole ship. I’ve climbed to the top a the main mast from the poop deck without touching a plank of wood, 14 times. None of the others in the crew can say that cause they’ve never done it. I also know all of the knots Dannon knows and I’m trying to get Jimi Bones to teach me his. The knots he ties don’t come out even in the worst weather and nobody can untie ‘em, or at least figure out how to.” The boy could talk the beak off a parrot that's for sure, it was almost a surprise he wasn’t named Parriot or some equally witty and comical name.

Dalton didn’t mind though. It was endearing watching the boy’s eyes light up as he described exactly how to get ‘Ole Gin to give the best rations or give descriptions of the sea battles they’d witnessed.

It was quite good fun to listen to his stories that only needed marginal prompting, and Dalton was exceedingly grateful that he didn’t have to contribute anything to the conversation. The metal still cut into his back, and his eyes still burned from the saltwater, but he had food in him and was now being given water liberally from the flask. The canteen hadn’t been unscrewed and it seemed they were both alright with that, Dalton didn’t care to drink unless it was to get drunk so he was content to listen to Rig’s tales.

Suddenly Rig goes quiet, he glances around at the open ocean before leaning in close and whispering, “you ever hear of mermaids?” The boy’s dark eyes were wide and completely serious in a way that made it very clear the question was not rhetorical.

“Heard of them? Yes.” Dalton answered slowly, in a far too hushed tone, “But I have never laid eyes on one.” he had purposely left the conversational mermaid door open for Rig to gush about but the lad went disturbingly silent.

“What have you heard?” The question was so open and almost urgent, that it worried Dalton.

“Bits and pieces of lore,” he answered carefully, “half of it probably false.” He almost stopped there, but those wide eyes were staring up at him with curiosity so intense he continued. “I’ve heard that they lure men to their deaths with a ghostly song,” Rig’s eyes widened in fear, “but mermaids don’t do that, Sirens do.” the boy seemed to deflate with relief at the assurance.

“What else do you know?”

Dalton paused, this was a very unusual turn of the conversation, but the boy’s intensity slightly frightened him so he continued. “I’ve heard that they are not born half human, but are the souls of women thrown overboard or who died at sea. That they seek revenge against those who had wronged and killed them. I’ve heard that they have the beauty of an angel and that their song is the most lovely ever heard by human ears, and that their kiss will save a man from drowning. But I’ve only heard this, over rumor or myth, I wouldn’t count it to be true but there is no way to be certain what is true and what are the fancies of a bard.” Rig had stayed ghostly silent, listening intently to the words Dalton spoke.

After a period of silence, Rig asked, “so you believe in them?”

“I would never say they were fable, but I wouldn’t go telling the world about them lest I see one with my own eyes.” He had said it in a way to treat it as a light hearted life lesson, ‘never believe something till you see it yourself’ type of thing, but it came off with far too much foreboding.

Rig didn’t seem to notice and began speaking quietly, “I’ve heard that Jude Hewitt saw one,” he leaned in closer, “near Remsall Bay. Swimming like a dolphin, inky black hair flowing after her. Jyll Gold said he saw seaweed, until she saw it too. Said she’d never forget the hateful eyes that she swore were filled with the void itself.” Rig nodded all too solemnly before continuing. “They say that you don’t see them first, you hear ‘em, a voice so angelic you think you’ve died. The kind of voice you would follow into hell or a reaf. The kind of voice that kills you. The first thing you see is the hair. It billows around them like seaweed, you just see little tufts of color, floating like oil stains on the sea. Then they say, they bring their heads just above water. All you can see is the face of a goddess with hair flowing around them.” He paused. “That’s when the crew starts going overboard.” A haunted look crosses their face.

It is gone in a flash of a grin across their dark skin. Dalton couldn’t help but return it with his own toothy smile. Even if the smile felt far too fake.

“I best be off then,” Rig stands from where he had been sitting on one of the arms, “best of luck to ye sir.” He tilts his invisible hat to Dalton, and begins climbing up the ropes with a practiced grace.

“Just call me Dalton,” he called after him.

Rig turned back to look at the man, “Will do Sir Dalton.” The captive let out a joyless laugh as the boy disappeared onto the deck.

Dalton turned back to stare into the sea, Rig’s words stayed with him as his eyes wandered over the rolling waves. Mermaids staying far too long in his mind.

#disassociation: tw #dehydration: tw #mentions of death #whump #whumpblr #writing challenge for may #WaterWhump2020 #ww-no.1 #anchor #unconventional restraint #Pirates #idk much about ships #or water #so expect innacuracy #I plan to continue this throughout may #but I might not #sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes

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runswith · 5 years ago

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Travel diary: Pamplona. Entry 5 – March 13, 2002

The dessert course appeared as soon as Curtis ditched the joint. Two courses: a big basket of walnuts and a plate holding alternating slices of cheese and something Marco and Jim thought might be conserve or preserve of quince, which grows wild in the mountains locally. The walnuts: not the large, perfect specimens one sees in a supermarket -- Marco thought they might have been grown at this farm. As we dug into them (the management thoughtfully provided a nutcracker, Jim and I immediately struggled over it), I discovered that the more I ate, the more delicious they became. We hoovered them up, leaving the table strewn with mounds of broken shells.

Between the four of us, we’d gone through a pile of food. The bill amounted to 100 euros, dirt cheap considering all the entertainment that came with the package. Coffee didn’t seem to be available, however --- astonishing, that, considering the way Spaniards normally toss down espresso. We decided to find another site for after-dinner caffeine, Jim saying it needed to be a place that also had cigars (called “puros” here).

We paid up, had a few last words with the proprietor. When we stepped outside the day had become, if anything, grayer, damper, the air more cool and tangy.

Jim pulled the Fiat into the parking lot of a restaurant by the highway, we wandered inside to the small bar area where coffee and Jim’s cigar awaited. As we stood around, sipping espresso, Marco noticed a wooden display case positioned atop a refrigerator that sat by the wall to one side of the bar. Containing arty postcards, all shots of local, rustic scenes, including a particular one that caught his eye, a picture of a hefty guy lifting a large, heavy, square object, apparently as part of a traditional competition, the way Scots fairs have the log throwing thingy. He reached to pick that card out, and with his touch the display shelf fell behind the refrigerator, producing jarringly loud clatter. All action in the bar stopped, all eyes turned to Marco. Curtis and I quietly disassociated ourselves from anything but innocent, unobtrusive coffee sipping. Marco and Jim got the display shelf back up on top of the refrigerator, collected the postcards, put them all back in the display. Except for the one card Marco wanted --- there had only been one of its kind --- which had slipped under the refrigerator, out of reach.

Back in Pamplona, Marco and Jim dropped me and Curtis off where they’d picked us up, way the hell across town from where I was staying, though not far from Curtis’ place. Great for him, as he wanted to take a nap. I wanted to hit an internet joint I’d found the night before, so grabbed a taxi.

A local quirk: for some reason, you can’t hail a taxi on the street in Pamplona. You have to go to a taxi stand, which means you have to know where they’re located, information a furriner might not have. Curtis pointed out a stand, in a driveway in front of a hospital. Without that help, I might have been up the proverbial creek.

I spent a good long time at the internet joint, during which a loud, insistent political demonstration started up, began making its slow way through the local streets. Curtis and I had come across another one the night before, that one looking like a large squad of cheerleaders, done cheerfully up in clown wigs, doing moves to something they chanted I couldn’t understand. The kids were high school age, so the cheerleader thing seemed like a possibility. Curtis disagreed, looking a bit intense, we let it go at that.

The Saturday night demonstration: larger, very different, consisting of two long columns of kids -- again, high-school age -- done up in traditional folk outfits of some kind including, for many of them, two long bells tied around them so that the bells hung out from their backs, like long, rigid, brass breasts. The kids moved in a slow, trotting cadence that rang the bells loudly in a pronounced rhythm, punctuated by chanting I couldn’t make out and horns that other kids blew. This was all done by teenagers, no grown-ups involved. In fact, the grown-ups I saw seemed to purposely keep their distance, mostly looking anything but amused. There was something oddly aggressive about the demonstration, and I made my way quickly by, glad to be past it and off into other, quieter streets.

The point of these demonstrations, I was later told, was support of ETA, and in particular the pushing of a particular cause: the return of imprisoned members of ETA to Navarra, so that they could serve out their sentences there. It’s apparently being promoted as a humanitarian idea -- i.e., so families could visit more easily -- that would also be a blow against the Spanish government’s “repression” of ETA “freedom fighters.” (Why the quotation marks? Because the whole thing has the distinct feel of what I can only describe as extremely partisan propaganda.) The members of ETA who are in prison are generally there for assassinations or bombings, or for activities in support of same, and the atmosphere that I encountered in Pamplona around all this felt intensely charged and unsafe. Apparently, it’s not considered wise there to express one’s sentiments if one does not support ETA as it can result in violence and intimidation. Or so I’m told.

Pro-ETA graffiti/posters/handbills were ubiquitous in the old part of the city, some bars had pro-ETA literature and posters prominently displayed. In talking with Curtis about all this, he clearly seemed to tap into deep emotions of anger and frustration. The same seems true of most Spaniards I’ve heard talk about it. I can only listen and watch, thinking of the long years of IRA/UDA violence in Northern Ireland (my father’s side of the family all having come from the south of that green island) and the pointlessness of it all.

I don’t know what I expected to find in Pamplona, but it wasn’t such a sharp sense of danger and paranoia. The juxtaposition of that over a beautiful, lively city, abundant with blossom-covered cherry and almond trees, felt a little unreal.

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jbeshir · 6 years ago

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Why I Think Rationalist Self-Help Is Broken

So I was asked, fairly reasonably, after in my previous post I said I thought I might have had a narrow escape from a self-reinforcing set of bad approaches to mental health and executive functioning issues, what approaches I was thinking of, exactly.

This is a list of approaches I think are wrong, and the consensus around them in the self-help parts of the rationalist community (e.g. all the praxis/gnosis type channels I’ve encountered on rat!Discord) is a big part of why I no longer frequent those spaces and now consider myself rat!adjacent, centrally an EA, and more likely to pursue skeptic communities or other communities to try to find ones whose flaws I am happier living with, rather than expanding engagement with rationalist communities. Although I insist, as an unrepentant Yudkowskian, the rationalist community moved away from me and not visa versa.

If you’re a rationalist with “post rationalist” leanings who doesn’t want to read a list of reasons why I think you suck right now, I recommend not expanding this post; I’m going to try to be as polite as I can about it all and stuff, but at the end of the day the topic of the post is the topic of the post.

So, the approaches I think are bad, some with particular justification and some just by correlation to the rest.

Drug addiction/recreational drugs as coping mechanism. A bit ago I commented “alcoholism is cool so long as you swap out the drug”, sardonically, and someone responded to say that actually, they endorsed that, so this is an actual point of disagreement.

I think the primary problem with using incapacitating recreational drugs as a balm within your coping mechanism is that it provides an extremely good avenue for escapism, which is a really tempting way to buy a balm for today at the cost of tomorrow. Additionally, I think it readily leads to a thing where people can’t function sober because their coping strategy is unavailable, and can’t function high because, well, they’re high. And yet there is a lot of “oh, you feel bad? Let me help you get some weed”. Arguments about handling existing addicts aside, this is I think probably one of the ways people move into a rationalist cluster and then decline because of “helpful” peers sharing their escapism.

I miss straight-edge LW-rationality where my willingness to countenance alcohol put me at the questionable end of the spectrum.

A bunch of stuff tied up in the assumption that normal friendship and relationships are impossible for many people in the community and therefore people should be grateful to have friends and relationships at all. This particularly leads to the idea of the whole “catgirl” thing where you can apply any kind of costs to the people around you so long as you’re a catgirl for them, because both they and you assume that they can’t get friends anywhere else.

This is not actually true! Being friends with people who are... a bit high maintenance is great, but you shouldn’t do it out of the feeling that they are the only people who will be friends with you. It’s not true. and people shouldn’t feel like they can be as high maintenance as they want so long as they play catgirl.

When I got over this, approximately concurrent with me starting therapy and reinforced by an increase in RL socialisation they encouraged at the time, I flipped out a little and quit most of the circles I was in for a bit. I don’t need to be friends with people who borrow hundreds of pounds from me and have no shame about not paying it back to have friends, and any interactions with people who think I do are going to involve them taking liberties. I’m back in parts I like now, but without the previous “I need to cling to this community” feel.

Most stuff involved in thinking about social status and auras, and social reality, more likely if it promises to be looking at social reality for “real” when everyone else isn’t. These things are real, but... the only way I can really put the issue is... “wow, autistics are really bad at distinguishing between good and bad social models”. If the models pick up on one dynamic that a naive model doesn’t, they’re adopted without question, no matter what other cases they get wrong. And boy, do they get things wrong.

“Sometimes an impression of a person having an effective aura picks up on evidence that you would consciously miss about them being competent” => “The halo effect isn’t a bias anymore, it’s actually the correct way you should be approaching your decisions, your feels of a person’s aura is a better assessment of their competence than any assessments you might make away from those feels”, is every rationalist talking about how their in person interactions indicate a person actually has brilliant models despite everything they ever wrote being evaluated as awful when actually analysed blind. And it is frustrating as hell.

Auras and social reality offer a tempting opportunity to be the holders of a cynical secret, but taking that opportunity in no way requires people to actually adopt better models, and since the matter is complex enough that adopting better models is genuinely hard, that generally doesn’t happen. More common is brazen self-justification; the more you describe the rest of the world as sucking and focus on that the less your flaws show up relatively. The more you talk about your version of social reality, the less you have to pay attention to actual reality.

(I vaguely associate this stuff with Vassar’s group? But by now it’s the default.)

Trying to invent their own novel forms of therapy instead of (rather than as well as) going to actual therapists.

I think trying to execute therapy without being a therapist would be fair enough just because therapists are expensive, but some effort to actually be aware of what therapy generally entails rather than just sticking the name “therapy” on any series of actions you think is helpful would be good.

Hypnosis for mental health assistance and anything involved in exploiting suggestibility. This is mostly correlational- I observe a very strong correlation between cultivating suggestibility and a tendency to lack direction and an internal moral sense. But I also observe a lot of enthusiasm and no results, which is sufficient in itself to be dubious of it as a strategy.

Internal Family Systems; there’s a definite thing of temporarily disassociating to regain functionality temporarily I’ve seen people do which... I guess worked for them, I don’t want to recommend it but I can’t discourage it either.

But reifying things you are conflicted over into multiple personalities seems in the many cases I’ve seen it to let you keep both sides of the conflict, and I think that’s often not a good idea. The part of your thinking which is saying “actually, I don’t want to have this trait” should not be satisfied by being split off into a different personality unit than the trait.

I’m not sure it is something that can’t work to actually make progress in internal conflict, but I don’t think it looks like it is working the way I see it tried. I hear actual therapists touch on the concept, but I’d assign a probability of 80% that they do it different in a substantive manner.

I think peer support centred around validation has a tendency to validate behaving toxically. This isn’t rationalist exclusive, but is a problem with its self-improvement channels.

Separated out so you can more easily say you hate this bit while agreeing the above is bad: I also think it has a tendency to validate inaction. You don’t need to do X because Y. It’s okay to spend your time high because Z anyway. As a throwaway thing from a friend to a friend, well, there are worse crimes than bending epistemology while being supportive. As a culture, gets a bit crab bucket-y.

Part of the problem, I think, is that these traits tend to overlap and seem to reinforce each other. Once you get into some you get a bunch of the rest, and then you can’t update out because of the mutual reinforcement. The stuff you hear against your weed habit? Clearly just people manipulated by state propaganda trying to increase their own social standing. The stuff you hear against social power? It definitely seems to help in whatever hypnotic/suggestibility stuff you’re playing with. Why go to a therapist when they don’t understand social reality? And such. I never particularly bought into any of them, and am quite glad I did not.

I’ll mention messing with self-identity as something which is more good than bad. It doesn’t work, I think, if you detach yourself from reality enough that you can sustain a positive self-identity without actually... being positive, which is a problem that exists. It’s often done very poorly. But it’s still better than the way people readily self-identify as negative things by default. People are at least aware that negative identity is much more self-fulfilling than positive, and if you let something negative in there that wasn’t definitely true by accident then it will tend to become true.

Also, while I now no longer agree with the part of it based on IFS, I like the rest of the Luminosity sequence as a “soft sequence”, based on novel ideas, which I think is good for self-improvement; it focuses on self-observation to gain a more accurate self-model, and I think this largely works and is positive.

(On the Hammertime sequence in particular, I’ve not read it yet.)

#rationality #rationalists #rationality community #discourse

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dearinfj · 5 years ago

Note

I came for the MBTI memes and stayed for the Jongin personality analysis. People always peg him as a INFJ and I need more explanations as to why. I mean I get it, I get the similar vibes from him but I’m still in search of more reasons. Not that this is something that is actually important in the grand scheme of things or my personal life, analyzing a stranger’s personality but I’m really stuck on it. I’m sorry for just randomly rambling into your inbox. I hope you have a nice day :)

Asgafsgjsla- wow, thanks c':

& please dont apologize for randomly popping in, I love random pops c: I wish I got messages on the regular.

I'm curious if you think he's something else? Cuz I've seen people also type him as INTJ. But personally for me, part of it is I see myself when I see him. He has this Ni intensity where he just stares at things blankly/disassociates a bit and he's constantly practicing his dancing and he'll literally just plug earbuds in and start dancing by himself or dancing to a random rhythm because that's his passion. He also can come off as disinterest and quiet and somewhat serious because he just isn't as into practical jokes as the other members. And personally, I feel like I've always been mature for my age and just more serious and more entertained by my own thoughts than childish jokes. Hes always entertaining himself, such as picking apart all the microphones. He even tells people when they need to bring things down cuz they're being embarrassing, like Suho lol

In regards to Fe, Chen has said before that he wouldnt date Kai if he was a girl because Kai is too sensitive. And he is. He seems sensitive and adaptable to others. When I went to an EXO concert, instead of getting upset at fans that were pushing to get closer, he said he understood them; but ofc that they should be safe. He also has spoken up to defend people and if I'm remembering correctly, he defended an overweight fan. He also happily began dancing with fans during that one event lol cant remember what it was for (I think maybe it was at a school) He's talked about not judging people on several occasions. Some of this stuff may seem generic but the members have described him as sensitive which adds to my belief that he's a feeler.

When it comes to Ti, I think it goes in hand with his Fe for calling out people who judge others unfairly. I can't think of a specifically Ti event and since it's an introverted function, it's much more personal.

But in terms of Se, I think this is what gives him the ability to change personas on stage. INxJ can have an underlying desire to be someone else; someone more outgoing, confident and/or popular. There's this hidden desire to have attention and/or to experience new things or travel or be impulsive or more flexible. And I think for Kai to be able to switch off his introverted side, he needs to tap into that persona. He needs to sort of dissociate into who he thinks about being in his head. I know that for me, if I were an idol, on stage in order to feel confident enough to give my all, I wouldn't be able to think like myself. I also personally feel more uncomfortable in small crowds than in large crowds because I feel like I will be able to see people's faces and hear more of their personal reactions when it's a small group; with a big group, I may never see them again. I notice that Kai tends to feel shy when asked to dance on a variety show or interview. I think he mentioned that it's not that hes not confident in his abilities, but he just feels shy. I think it's because all eyes are on him and maybe the audience is smaller and he can usually comfort himself with thinking people might be looking at other members - but that doesnt really apply in a small group setting when asked to dance or speak - and hes representing the group and it's harder for him to dissociate and "get into character."

Idk if this all makes sense. Plus I cant think of exact quotes right now and I'm not at home ;; but I was excited to respond. But honestly, part of it is also a vibe. I just FEEL this dominant Ni vibe which I dont feel often. It's almost like I can understand his headspace or like I'm looking in a mirror. I like being in my internal world and sometimes I dont laugh at the jokes everyone else laughs at and I might come off as super quiet and uninterested but I feel more comfortable in my head. And honestly, I like to think of myself as mature but I'm also childish in my own way. And ya boi Kai literally got super excited that he caught his water bottle in between his feet and desperately wanted to show everyone with that huge smile on his face and no one noticed and honestly me :(

P.S if you wanted me to elaborate any more or answer anything else, just tell me. I feel like this response sucked but if I don't answer now I'll just push it off forever ;; ❤ I'll see if I can find more specific videos and/or quotes and make a post for that later.

#kai #infj #answers #ask #exo #mbti

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kiefbowl · 6 years ago

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I'm super duper insecure about my boobs. They are the same size, but my areolas are two completely different sizes. The one on the right is huge and hangs so much lower and it makes me so scared to look at myself in the mirror. Any tips on how to jumpstart the self love? I just want to stop thinking about it every day :(

Sorry this took awhile I wanted to give the time to answer it because I’ve been busy this week, but also something about this ask struck me deeply, and that is your word choice. And so what follows is what I doubt you were expecting, and is not within the tone of you question, but important to me and ultimately your word choice betrays you so I think you’ll want to read it, sweet sister.

Because this struck me as a very odd thing to say, though I believe it’s true even if you didn’t intend me to extrapolate as much: “the one on the right…hangs so much lower…it makes me so scared to look myself in the mirror.”

What are you afraid of?

You posses the reality in your mind about your right breast, but you’re afraid to look at it. It’s a strange duality because there seems to be the idea that you can handle that it’s true as long as you don’t have to perceive that it’s real. It speaks very true to me that that is the case because we see the same sort of rhetoric played out in so many different ways everyday that I argue is a byproduct of living under patriarchy and capitalism, among other things. There is definitely a cleave in our mind of our physical reality, our perceptions, and our mental self. I’ve spoken about it before, but essentially we compartmentalize these 3 parts of our selves, our existence, and deny the functioning whole of all 3. It allows us to also disassociate with one when we don’t like it or don’t want it.

Meaning what we see is some how different and excused from the space we’re occupying. The space we’re occupying has nothing to do with out thoughts and existence. Our body is temporary and disposable. Our senses are deniable when we don’t engage them. Our minds can be whatever we want as long as we believe strong enough. It’s false, but it’s played out in so many of us (even me!) in interesting ways that sometimes we don’t even recognize it. It’s a fucking existential nightmare, but at this point in time it’s par for course. We don’t realize we’re living in a way that is agonizing to the whole of us because we’ve been told it simply is. It simply IS that your employer owns your sleep schedule. It simply IS that war is necessary and it’s own art. It simply IS that the earth can be sectioned off for destruction for things like Nike shoes, iPhone chargers, and McDonald’s kids meal toys because it simply IS that you don’t want a life without those things, but of course. God forbid we lived in a world without Nike shoes, and the thousands of brands just like them.

But imagine the horror beyond horror if you took an ancient ancestor of ours and explained the destruction of a nuclear bomb, that people created it purposefully, and that people used it. At this moment, you might be like, where the fuck is a nuclear bomb related to my fucking right titty, but all things are connected sister. I want you to really imagine what it takes for even the generation before the nuclear bomb to really conceptualize the bomb’s existence alone, not to mention it’s soon to be future (and now current history).

And I mean really imagine it. Imagine the space between the people dropping the bomb vs. the people experiencing the bomb. Imagine the reality of people actually advocating for the production of these bombs. Imagine the body horror of people who have been victims of these bombs, and imagine a person who is so far removed from this reality in time, but is just as much human as us having to entertain these realities of all I’ve just described for just this one thing. It would probably be nightmarish to even think about. There would be refusal it is even possible, not scientifically, but humanly.

And imagine you, my lovely sister. You live in a post nuclear bomb world. And you live amongst people who all live in a post nuclear bomb world.

Is it no wonder that capitalists can propagate nonsense so easily that allow us to sever the ties with out body, our senses, our minds? Indeed, must they have done so themselves in order to be in the positions they are, to promote such evil things? Can you believe there are constituents who argue against universal health care? Our ancient grandmothers would not be able to comprehend the stupidity in which we so disregard our bodies, deny that they are as living in this world as us. It’s so ridiculous, it’s hard to come up with words to describe it. My sentences are almost nonsensical. “Deny that our bodies are as living in this world as we are” is dancing on a line of crazed lunacy. We are fighting against something in our minds that is so mounting, dark, and delirious as we live amongst the things and realities we now have assumed to be the natural progression of our world.

So…your titty. You can’t look at it. It fills you with fear. Fear of what, dearest? It hangs too low, unequal with its sister. This fills you with fear? Fear that it’s real and inescapable? But what is in the reality of your titty hanging low that is so fearful? What does a life look like with a low hanging breast that makes you too scared to live it?

Is it the fear of being unloved? Unlovable? Unsexed? Unconsumed? What life could lived better with a breast that sits higher? Are you watched more? Watched less? Do men attend to you? Is their attention desirable? Is it agony to find clothes? Would it be some relief for once to just buy clothes without breasts, and to look at yourself in the mirror reminds you that your life is filled with this nuisance until death?

Dear sister, I’m not joking when I ask, does she remind you of death? Your breast, is she age? Is she time passing? Is she illness lurking in the future?

Are you scared of words? Of lovers? Will nothing they say or do satisfy your fear and dislike of your body, and you know it’s true and you dread the experience?

But perhaps it is more like:

Are you aware of your body when you look in the mirror? Must you use your eyes to see that when you are reflected back to yourself you are, in fact, an animal of the world? That you inhabit, you survive, you feel sensations? And these sensations, they exist in your mind as well? Does the mirror remind you that you are entwined with your own self, a self you live to some degree shattered. Shattered because you’ve been told to, but also shattered because it is easier than the agony of facing what we know is true. It is easier living a shattered self when the world we now live in demands we live so inhumanly.

Does the mirror taunt this from you? Does your titty, does she laugh at your plans? She does nothing, and still continues to be. Her existence is the proof of gravity, of time, of natural forces. And she lives so unconcerned of it, she simply is at this time and place. Is your titty at peace while you are not?

So now that I’ve gone on a kafkaesque rant that does not at all match your tone of your original submission, let’s talk about what you actually asked: self love.

Self love I think is realizing that the above is true, and desperately, agonizing for the correction of it. Be intoxicated by the idea of your mirror self. Demand reality in your own life. Love the Self, not just your boobie. Your boobie is unaffected by you. She doesn’t care you don’t like her. She is not her own entity, she is a part of your functioning whole. She’ll continue to be. She is as unaffected by your mourning of a “better” body or a “perfect” body as your heart, or arm, or teeth.

So be her. Be her! She’s you!

Take time every day to stop and experience the world around you in the moment. Stop, and feel the presence of your moment, the energy of the people, the sun on your skin, the warmth it fills you with. To love your body is to love being alive on this earth as a human. You have to want those 3 things to be special and meaningful to you, all working together. You cannot escape that you on this earth at this time, that you are on this earth as a human, and that you are a living human. You have to make peace with the fact that you’re alive. You have to practice active living.

Since you’ve made it this far, here’s what you were actually looking for that is also useful and more fun to read:-masturbate!-try drawing yourself. I like to smoke weed and draw my self in front of the mirror no joke. -walk around naked as much as you can-go braless as much as you can!!!!-read up on biology because it helps you remember that your titty is just a titty-look at unsexualized pictures of titties-and of course masturbate!!:)

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something-tofightfor · 6 years ago

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Punisher Season 2 predictions and thoughts

(That nobody asked for)

I’m very invested in this show and so I spent a ridiculous amount of time coming up with my predictions for this season. They’re under a cut.

Enjoy… or don’t.

T-minus 3 hours. Tick tock.

Initial thoughts on Billy are here.

But as for the other characters:

Madani:

I want to see her suffer and be broken by the choices she’s made. It’s no secret that i don’t like her as a character because she’s too cocky, too focused on herself, too… I don’t know, unwilling to admit that she might possibly be wrong about things. I want to see her admit that she made mistakes and that she allowed herself to care for someone that only ever should have been a mission. Billy is to blame for many things. But Madani made mistakes.

She’s going to get arc that will see her go from her lowest point back to her “high” and have her regain her confidence and her strength … but like, she allowed herself to be used and manipulated and worked over. I understand that she’s been through trauma, and that she needs to deal with it in a constructive way. I understand that she has been under a great deal of stress… but is she fit for a job with Homeland? I don’t know.

Madani believes herself to be on the good side… but can this truly be the case if she’s blinded by the need for revenge and vengeance?

Curtis:

I think he’s here to act as Frank’s moral compass again. He went through the shit with Frank with being deployed, dealing with Lewis and even dealing with Billy. I believe that Curtis will try to get Frank to see that Billy’s behavior isn’t a true indicator of what he believes deep down; Curtis will be the one that helps Frank realize just how alike he and Billy truly are, and get him (maybe even both of them) to see reason. Sure, Billy shot Curtis. But Curtis is forgiving. He understands PTSD and suffering better than many… and so I’m hoping he’s got a larger role here and that he can and will balance out the two conflicting sides.

Curtis is on the good side but isn’t afraid to toe the line and challenge the distinction between Frank’s Punisher and Billy’s survival instinct.

Pilgrim:

I’ve tried to stay away from this character just because I don’t want to spoil this aspect for myself… but there are a few things.

1. He’s going to be more creepy and unsettling than scary. He’s going to use rhetoric and appeal to Billy’s thought process (however shattered that may be) in order to get him onto his side.

2. He will betray Billy somehow. He only cares about Amy, and silencing her for whatever reason… and that focus is going to be one of the reasons he turns. Russo is a means to an end, someone to do the dirty work for him.

3. Cold and calculating is always dangerous, especially when someone has time to think. And he looks to have a larger group with him… meaning danger in numbers.

He is the bad guy here. But I don’t think it’s going to be in the sense that we’ve been led to believe.

Amy:

I’m not sure what to think. From the trailers and the promo, she seems like she’s a typical kid trying too hard to be sassy. I think she’s going to appeal to Frank’s “human” side and attempt to keep him grounded and focused and fighting against the bad guys. Aside from Billy, he has no ties to his past life, so what is there to fight for? For hope. I’m not sure that Amy is the hope that Frank truly needs, but we will see. I hope she does more than make jokes and flip her hair around, though.

Amy is just a kid that needs help. One of the good ones, and someone that Frank could use in his life to keep him grounded. Also, I don’t think Amy is her real name.

Krista:

We know that she’s hiding something… and as to what that something is? My guess is that she wants to see how far she can push Billy, how close she can get to the “reall” William Russo… and how much she can influence him. Would I love it if she was simply a therapist that truly wanted to help him? Yes. But that’s not a plot. She’s a trigger somehow. It’ll be interesting to see the dynamic between them… but she doesn’t seem scared of him. Would old Billy flirt with her? Damn straight. Is he in any condition to be flirted with as it stands? No. I don’t want to see her taking advantage.

Krista isn’t good, she isn’t bad… she’s just self motivated, much like Billy was. I believe Billy will kill her.

Karen:

Karen will be brought back in at a moment where Frank’s tether to the real world is faltering. He’s on the edge when it comes to her even though I FIRMLY believe that they love each other. Neither can handle this knowledge, so they keep it unspoken… but Karen is his lifeline. She’s his tie, she’s the one thing that he cares about unquestionably. She’s never failed him, never abandoned him… and even though I don’t think we will get as much Kastle as we deserve, their interactions will be worthwhile. I hope that she gets closure with Frank. I hope that they can find peace with whatever their relationship is at this point. She’s strongest when she’s opposite Frank.

Frank:

Frank Castle is the driving force behind the show, sure, but it’s the surrounding characters that create him. His development and characterization in this season will depend heavily on what happens around him. I believe that Frank will come to terms with a lot this season. 1) He’s never going to be satisfied. It was about his family at first…he killed everyone. Then it was about David’s family. now it’s about Amy… and he’s going to kill a lot of people. Where’s this “after” that Karen wants for him? Answer: there isn’t one. Frank will never be able to be Frank. There’s no Pete, either. He’s going to have to live with the fact that when he let Maria go, he gave up his shot at a real life. Yeah, there will be glimpses of normalcy, but it’s not going to last.

Frank’s going to be very messed up about Billy. They’re (at their core) still brothers. There’s still trust, still some sort of compassion. Billy allowed the kids to die. Billy betrayed Frank. Billy did a lot of bad shit. But Frank’s not stupid. He understands what it’s like to have nothing, to have everything torn away. Frank’s unease and confusion about the Billy situation is something that I’m sure he thinks about every day. Should he have killed him? Yes, probably to follow his “code”… but he didn’t, he let him live because there’s still a connection, a link … and I think that way deep down, Frank still holds out hope that the real Billy is still in there somewhere. He understands what it’s like to live everyday as a nightmare, even if that nightmare is something of his own doing. Billy killed and lied for his own good, to survive and to make something of himself. He may have been VERY misguided… but he had a reason.

Frank? Frank’s reasons are less black and white. Frank acts upon impulse. He fights first and contemplates later. He makes judgement calls based on what he thinks and feels and believes. Frank needs to look closely at himself and comprehend what he’s done and why he’s done it and why he will keep doing it.

What I want to see happen: (in general)

- KASTLE. A kiss, but I’ll settle for an admission of feelings.

- Curtis talking sense into Frank

- Billy and Frank flashbacks from when they served together

- Madani get her shit together so that I can like her as a character

- As little of Amy as possible

- I want to see Billy apologize to Frank and MEAN it. I want to see him stripped down to his core and finally realize that it’s ok to care for things. Not everyone will disappoint you, Russo.

- An uncut fight scene like the hallway and the prison from DD, where Frank is just killing fifty million people one after the other

- As much of Ben Barnes talking in a thick ass New York accent as humanly possible

- Frank Castle have a good day. He deserves it, even if it’s only one.

Predictions:

* Billy does not make it out alive. He sacrifices himself, either for or to help Frank since it’s one of the only ways he can stone for what he allowed to happen (i hope I’m wrong. But this is the only true redemption arc that I can see right now)

* Krista ends up dead

* Madani never gets her shit together and I continue to hate her.

* Billy and Madani have angry hate-filled sex because she cannot stop thinking about him. (This counts if she hallucinates it)

* Curtis and Frank are no longer speaking by the end of the season

* Amy gets to go off and live her life after Frank cleans up her mess

* Karen Page gets to drop some very pertinent information and then goes off and lives her life knowing that she’s never going to have what she truly wants

* Frank understands Billy and what he did/why he did it, but still cannot fully forgive him

* Frank disassociates from his old life entirely and that’s the end of Frank/Pete and the beginning of him acting and living and thinking solely as The Punisher

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braindumpsterfires · 6 years ago

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“Like cubic zirconia, I only look real. I'm an imposter. The fact is, I am not like other people.” ― Augusten Burroughs, Dry

I got pretty good at faking it, I guess. There was a time when “are you okay?” was a pretty often question I’d hear from the few people I had in my life. I’d zoned off again, disassociating. Maybe somebody glanced my way weird and it seemed they could be judging me. There goes my mood. The only thing I can do is look away and stay quiet, legs shaking, goosebumps all over... Nausea so bad I can’t help but gag from time to time... Sometimes I’d answer the question, often to be dismissed as “just being sensitive” or “nervous” and just to “forget about it” and “focus on something else.” They didn’t get it. Not to get into the gross details, but my bowels have been greatly effected by my illness, and I had thought it was “just nerves”. It had happened as long as I can remember. I was an “anti-social” kid. When I was real young if you’d talk to me and you weren’t somebody I’d see on a regular basis, I’d lose my shit. Not like literally... But, I couldn’t handle strangers. I’d start to freak out and cry and shut down. I wouldn’t communicate with them. I didn’t know what anxiety was then.

Mentally ill meant crazy... I wasn’t crazy, and I knew that then. To me that’d mean I would hear distinct voices or do weird twitches or hoard or something like on TV. Like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Because my thoughts didn’t match up with what I felt mental illness meant, I had accepted I was just “sensitive”, “shy”, “quiet”, “weird”, “moody”, “dramatic”, “obsessive”, “manic”, “hard to love”, “exhausting”, as I was told time and time again. Left undiagnosed, it only got worse and worse. Life didn’t know it had to be a little gentler with me. That I was sick. The adults in my life pushed me harder when they needed to sit me down and talk with me and just try to understand that my brain is different. They couldn’t see my brain was sick and needed help.

I’d grab hold of anyone who would give me the time of day and wouldn’t let go unless they rejected me. I thought love meant somebody who could tolerate being around me and say what I needed to hear at the time to soothe the fucking demon that is my illness. I got into relationships with people I should’ve kept as friends. I misinterpreted connections and charmed my way into the situations I thought I needed... to feel something. Something to fill the void of emptiness I had felt for so long. If it meant me having to do all the work in the relationship, I did it. That’s why my name is still on a house that I will receive no equity in when sold, despite the fact I paid the mortgage for a long time. Hell, go back even further... I was married at 19. I’ve often considered having a child with partners in the past with a direct goal in my head that that meant they wouldn’t leave me ever. That’s an unhealthy way to think. But it isn’t my fault... All I can say is, I’m sure glad somehow nature was kind to my broken-brained self and kept me fairly safe. I have credit card debt. But I don’t have any STDs or diseases, I don’t have any kids... The divorce actually was finalized (forced by a partner at the time, but it was the push I needed to get it done, so whatever.)

It’s not easy to sit here today and accept the fact that all the people I’ve had hate in my heart for for so long just didn’t know how to deal with me. I can’t blame them completely, though I’ve pushed a large portion of my insecurities on them and their actions in my life specifically. They say a lot of recovery begins with forgiving people. Forgiveness is a concept I haven’t explored much, not when dismissing my feelings as not real is far less anxiety-inducing. I mean sure, some who have meandered in and out of my life deserve to stay gone, because their actions, while overlooked at the time, can now be looked back on as unforgivable. In no way blaming myself, the thought does occur to me that perhaps my chemical imbalances are the spark of many of the traumas I’ve experienced. I don’t give those people that much power, honestly. It isn’t “all their fault.” What I am saying is if I caught this thing before it ran my life for this long, things would be way different. My life has been quite the cocktail of undiagnosed, ignored, dismissed mental illness and life events that would devastate a person who would be considered, generally, mentally healthy... It’s no wonder everyone is in awe of how much shit I’ve experienced in 25 years. I’ve lived through things many people probably never even will experience, and 90% of it was set into motion by my mental illness. It strapped me to a bad situation and wouldn’t let me leave until I couldn’t handle it any longer. Cutting the ties had to be very abrupt and as impersonal as possible, (cant handle somebody being mad at me...) Getting out meant sending a text or even an email, then throwing my phone across the room, ignoring the world for as long as possible. I know breaking up that way is the asshole way to do it. But I literally couldn’t handle that kind of pressure with another person.

Weed wasn’t a thing then, I was too afraid because I had been raised to associate weed with prescription pain pills... They were evil, and had made it so my childhood was never stable and I lived in a car for a minute and never had my own room and spent 7 years sleeping on an area rug on a living room floor. And no one paid attention, so I stayed unhealthy mentally. And it got worse. And worse.

As I think so deeply about it, things make more and more sense. These deep inner thoughts about MYSELF seemed so foreign before. Maybe I could imagine it for a flicker of a second, but then the lack of self worth would come into play and I’d obsess over how poorly I did something or how those in my life didn’t truly love me and that I felt so empty and bored and just wanted to feel...something. Faking love is fucked up. It’s fucked up to have done it a lot throughout your life. I’m done with that shit...

I believe the mental illness itself has been passed to me from my mother. My dad was mentally healthy, aside from abusing alcohol for a time (which he sought AA for because of me and recovered from and remained sober from when I could walk, on.) My mother abused sleeping pills at the end. She killed herself accidentally... She just wanted peace from the disorder that she never was allowed to understand. But I can see it now. I won’t let myself not get help for this. I want a life worth living, damnit. For once in my life I fucking feel like I deserve that. And that’s a really, really new and cool thing for me.

I don’t feel empty today. I’ve had fun and have been pinpointing things I enjoy that make me, well...me. It started out with spending a good portion of my day with W, and that friendship is going along real well. It’s cool being able to share my sudden self discovery with somebody like I was able to last night and today. I’m totally ready to develop more healthy friendships. For the first time I want to put myself into social situations on purpose.�� I want to interact with likeminded people and have fun. That sounds so obvious as I reread it to myself... But before this breakthrough I really couldn’t enjoy that (masks are great coping mechanisms, fooled ya.)

And if love finds me eventually, that’s cool. I do hope it does. But for now, I’m just going to keep being me, especially now that I have stuff I genuinely want to experience and do now. I see how I’ve forced things I didn’t even want in the past, just to have someone, and I won’t do that shit again. I hope certain people stick around, but I’m not bending over backwards for people who don’t deserve it anymore.

I suddenly want to start creating things again... building models, reading, photography... I’ve wanted to look into going back to school, but always dismissed the thought because the impulsive decisions I’ve made in my life never allowed me to do things for me. Or, rather, I could have... If I had the self confidence and love for myself to want things for myself enough to push on. Instead I’d do what I needed to do to keep my partner and my routine, even if it meant exhausting myself and forgetting what “relaxing” even felt like. I could lay around all I wanted, but my brain wasn’t like a dog. It wouldn’t sit or stay or anything else. It did what it always did... Negative thoughts, obsess...obsess...obsess....

When I’ve slept for 13 hours straight or spent a day doing absolutely nothing, I’m not being lazy. My body isn’t tired. My soul is. But my levels must be okay because I like doing things again today. The depression is gone, (for now. I don’t expect to be happy forever, that isn’t realistic, nor should it be.) It’s very brief departure made me go and get medicated that day in 2015 saved my life, I think. For a moment I cared about myself and wanted to try. Something then must’ve given me hope. What I had accepted before as character flaws that I was stuck with were really mental issues that I now see and understand and accept, and, better yet, now can manage properly. The next step is getting diagnosed by a specialist (a second opinion), and perhaps talk to a therapist, (at least until my thoughts are sorted.)

I guess I’ll allow myself to research this a bit more before I go do something else. Or maybe sleep... It is 12:17 AM and, while without anxiety and actually happy, I’m exhausted from how much deep soul-searching I’ve done the last 24 hours. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m excited about life. The thought of “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist anymore” seems kinda insane to me right now. There’s so much out there I haven’t seen or experienced yet. Like so fucking much. And well, I’m kinda cool. I’m starting to like myself today. I won’t say love... We’re just seeing how things go. Baby steps. One day at a time...

-AEL

#bpd #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #depression #anxiety #life #therapy #actually borderline #borderline #mental health #journal #healing

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likealittleheartbeat · 3 years ago

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@fincheswings You know it! I love when someone asks me to elaborate :) Especially when it’s about my girl Katara and my reading of her borderline personality journey within patriarchal imperialism.

Just to preface, I actually have a lot of issues with the entire diagnostic system and that'll become apparent but... Let's start by looking at some borderline symptoms: emotional instability (especially in regards to sadness, anger, and emptiness), impulsivity, fears and expectations of abandonment, patterns of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by idealization and devaluation (called splitting). Symptoms we don’t see with Katara are the suicidal and self-harming behaviors and ideations, paranoia, and disassociation. I feel like the most significant aspects we see with Katara are the abandonment and splitting pieces. But both of these are deeply related to societal context in her experiences of them. For the splitting, we see her multiple times idolizing those she perceives to be victims resisting the fire nation--Haru, Jet, Hama, even Zuko in the caverns--only to feel utterly betrayed when they reveal they have different values than her. She also more easily vilifies others, especifically people in the Fire Nation, based on generic relationships to past experiences, though she clearly isn’t as paranoid as her brother or as consumed with hatred towards those groups as Jet or Hama. Still, believing in the full humanity of these people is not easy for her. And after someone has betrayed her, they quickly fall into this grouping of unforgivable villains, too (look at how quickly she turns on Paku).

And this splitting isn’t necessarily a horrible thing. It’s easy to see how this splitting occurs not because of some deficiency in Katara’s psychology, but because of her personal experiences and her community’s experience with state violence, even if she doesn’t consciously view it that way. She organizes people into clear categories protectively to figure out who she can trust because she’s so intimately aware how dangerous the world is for her and her people. She experiences a sense of helplessness in the face of it even as she wants to assert and develop her agency and power. And this is really intensely gendered in a community where women specifically were picked out to be victimized and then later the men specifically were left to defend their village.

And to defend the village, the men had to leave. This loss along with her mother’s death fosters Katara’s concept of inevitable abandonment. She seems to have a knack for drawing close to people, especially boys, who are not ready to commit to her or really to the value of others, generally. I’ve pointed out in another meta that Aang does this, too, but there are enough bad boy romance and daddy issues stories in the world (and a history of z*tara ship wars in the fandom) to illustrate how much our ideas about hetero romance undergird these dynamics. Our idea of ‘chemistry’ is so often a woman who desperately wants her independence but feels compelled toward a man who needs her help to heal. The writers of ATLA do right by its audience when they begin the third season with Katara explicitly admitting her fear of abandonment and connecting it to her father. It becomes about men because within patriarchy these men are forced (in Hakoda’s case) or inclined (in Zuko and Aang’s cases) to go attempt to achieve greatness on their own. So, this idea of interpersonal drama and abandonment gets intricately tied into gendered experiences because women, like Katara, especially within a colonized culture, are being socially restricted, even if it’s from internalized beliefs, from pursuing their own needs and feeling enabled to protect themselves.

In the last season, once Katara has named this fear and stops seeking out those who remind her of that pain of parental loss, you see a new pattern emerge. She doesn’t immediately snap into clarity about how to find a relationship with someone who can will stick around through the ups and downs. She is protective and focusing on her own goals, not fully trusting others to care. And you can most see this distrust with her feelings toward Aang. Katara often feels destitute when Aang leaves her and then keeps romantic distance when he’s around. This is not some awful thing either. They are both still working through their own issues. Aang is moving beyond protecting and saving Katara from her loneliness, anger, pain, and fear. And Katara is learning to accept that she can exist and manage on her own--just because she isn’t helpless doesn’t mean people have forgotten her. In fact, they trust her to do what she believes is right, which is a rejection of the paternalism of empire and the systems in place that really give rise to the beliefs that underlie borderline.

u know what, not to get into the shipping wars, but atla actually IS about the ships and who ends up with whom–because how we date and experience romance is really intricately connected to experiences of intergenerational trauma. so aang’s really intense attachment to a single individual after losing so much, or katara’s recurring intense intimate relationships with boys followed by her feeling betrayed and pushing them away, or zuko and mai’s limits on fully expressing their feelings of affection: these are all pretty deeply related to painful experiences in their childhoods within their families, which are then connected to the broader impacts of imperialism. so it’s pretty important to a reading of the show and its ideas of liberation that we understand how aang has developed a healthy and loose attachment to katara by the end, that katara no longer feels like she needs saving from her partner (nor fears that their departure is an abandonment–parallelling her development with her dad), and that zuko and mai have grown in expressing their feelings towards one another and zuko, specifically, is willing to trust mai with helping him through his pain (watch him flinch but keep smiling as she helps him put his robe on over his agni kai injury in the finale). i’ve wrote elsewhere about the importance of not including any relationships between colonizer and colonized, too.

But, at it’s heart, it’s not even about characters being fated to each other, and that’s really hard for westerner’s post-Romanticism. We want characters who are impossibly drawn to each other. But these relationships, and others, like Suki and Sokka, too, have a sense of happen-stance about them: What luck that Mai got out of prison! What are the chances Suki would be at the Serpent’s Pass? And Aang and Katara’s relationship is just tagged onto the end! There’s no sense of compulsion about these dynamics.

You are allowed to explore romance and the themes that can be explored through the genre with any of the popular ships in the series you want. It’s a totally valid narrative device to address so many amazing things, especially across societal divides! I’m just encouraging people to notice how ATLA’s message with its romances (and its resistance to traditional romantic dynamics) is about finding emotional peace in the face of a very f*cked up world. It depicts its characters finding this peace for themselves so they can then welcome the kinds of love that are, instead of possessive or antagonistic, warm, casual, and serene.

#reply #atla meta #katara

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