#my relationship to my gender is very complicated so i really have no problem choosing the “male” byleth

[jackienautism]

love how the game is like. makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that the goddess tower legend is between and MAN and a WOMAN and meanwhile my lesbian byleth isjust ............

i get this game takes place in the 1100s and straight is the norm blah blah blah but sometimes i just wanna play a game without being reminded of that you know? this game has magical swords and people who can turn into dragons for fucks sake, why can't i just talk to and dance with and marry the character i want?

[purple-plum-petals]

Hi!! I really love your homicipher content!! Could I ask you for Mr Machete headcanons in a relationship?

This man needs love please, I can't find any of it anywhere!!! 😩 And by the way, you write very beautifully! Never stop :D!

If your requests are already closed you can ignore this. Thank you and have a nice day!

⊱ Being in a Relationship with Him ⊰ || Mr. Machete Headcanons

╭─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╮ Character(s): Mr. Machete (Homicipher/文字化化) Reader Type: Human (Gender-Neutral Pronouns) Warning(s): Spoilers for Homicipher (specifically Mr. Machete’s Route), Canon-typical Mentions of Violence (and horror-elements), Cultural Barriers (Mr. Machete Doesn’t Fully Comprehend Certain Emotions/Expresses Them Differently Than a Human Would – He Also Will Fight You™ Which Is Obviously Not Healhy IRL), Brief Mention of Blood Consumption. Genre: Headcanons, Fluff(?), Romantic Relationship (It’s Complicated, honestly). Word Count: ~1,100 words. Request: “Hi!! I really love your homicipher content!! Could I ask you for Mr Machete headcanons in a relationship?” Author’s Note: Of course, and thank you for your kind words! While Mr. Machete isn’t one of my top picks, I can certainly see his appeal. Plus, if I’m being 100% honest with everyone, he’s actually really fun to write for (which I was not expecting at all when I started writing for this fandom). This type of character usually isn’t my favorite, but I’m starting to understand the Mr. Machete fans the more I write for him… 😳 I kind of focused on the traits that Mr. Machete would look for in a partner, and what being in a relationship with him would be like. Of course, I do my best to stay as canon-compliant as possible, which means that this is not a cute list of sweet/fluffy headcanons, so just be warned (there’s nothing too horrible or crazy, just… don’t date anyone who would spear you with a huge sword irl haha). Anyway, I hope you enjoy! I had a really fun time thinking about/writing this one. 

→ If you enjoyed my work, please reblog it if you can! Exposure on Tumblr is based on reblogging content rather than liking it, so your support would be much appreciated!  ♡

╰─━━━━━━━━━━━━─╯

🔪: Honestly, being in a relationship with Mr. Machete can be challenging sometimes or simply impossible, especially if you’re expecting him to be a perfect gentleman who treats you like a delicate flower (spoiler alert: he won’t and he never will). He’s a rough and rugged resident of the other world, someone who is constantly on the search for exhilaration – he’s looking for someone who will give him a challenge in battle and someone who will bring stimulation into his existence that he has increasingly grown bored with. If you cannot do either, then he wants nothing to do with you. He has no problem driving his sword into your back if you do not bring him any sense of excitement and overstay your welcome. 

🔪: To first catch the attention of someone like Mr. Machete, you need to be strong. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean physical strength (even though that certainly is a bonus and he would prefer someone who is bigger or someone who is physically the same size as he is), but being strong can also be mental fortitude – someone who doesn’t let their mind and emotions take control of their life. He’s not an emotionally available type of person, not seeing the point in discussing emotions or lingering on past mistakes or sorrows, instead choosing to express himself in the only way he knows how to – violence. If there’s any stirring within him, feelings he cannot put a label on, he gets his frustrations and confusion out by slaughtering others or dueling with someone who he feels can stand toe-to-toe with him. So, if you’re in a relationship with him, you have to be okay with battling him and accepting the possibility of being injured (or even dying) as a result. It's kind of his go-to way of communicating things he cannot find the words for.

🔪: He also wants a partner he doesn’t need to babysit or look after, someone who can take care of and protect themselves if danger were to arise. He wants an equal, not someone who is fully dependent on him for physical security or emotional support. He wants someone who he can rely on and who he knows will watch his back. Mr. Machete doesn’t mind someone simply following him around (even if he’ll constantly ask you why you’re doing that despite the fact he does find it somewhat annoying) but, if you’re planning on staying with him for the long term, he prefers someone who can pull their own weight, especially so in a fight. 

🔪: If you manage to meet his standards and earn his respect in either physical or verbal battles, congratulations! You now have yourself an emotionally unavailable partner who loves violence and is constantly looking for excitement to fill the aching void inside his chest! He’ll frequently do things in your relationship that go against what you tell him (the primary example being when he just threw the MC across the chasm despite her yelling for him to stop), and he doesn’t understand why it makes you upset, especially since everything usually works out in the end. He doesn’t pick up on context clues either so if you need him to do something specific, you’ll need to tell him that since he doesn’t read between the lines. If you try and explain it to him, though, there’s about a 50/50 chance he’s actually listening to what you’re saying – it depends on his mood. 

🔪: However, after the two of you spend more time together, he does find himself (albeit begrudgingly) enjoying your company. He’s always traveled alone, looking for a home he cannot remember yet a deep part of him longs for. He’s never been one to have companions or appreciate another's company… yet here you were – still following him around despite everything, and he actually found himself liking it (maybe, just maybe, you could find a home in one another).

🔪: He would need a partner who was quick-witted and not afraid to bite back at his complaints with snide or snippy remarks. Mr. Machete finds bantering with you surprisingly enjoyable, and he often tries to guess what you’ll say to him before you even have the chance to think of a good comeback. You can tell when his feelings start shifting a bit, too, finding that he criticizes your weapon and stature less frequently and instead praises you on things you do well, such as your improvements in battle (even though he’ll still remark that you move too slow). That’s fine, though – he doesn’t mind training with you more to give you an opportunity to enhance your skills. 

🔪: Mr. Machete will never really be soft with you no matter how much time passes, and that’s just something you’ll have to accept if you want to be in a relationship with him. Once you have won him over, though, he will stick by your side through thick and thin, and he finds himself fleeing from battles less often, almost as if he’s trying to impress you (however, if both of you do need to flee, he’ll fling you over his shoulder and leave while carrying you instead of leaving you behind in the dust, so that’s an improvement at least). He’ll also keep you healthy, willingly cutting open his palm without you asking him to do so, placing it above your mouth while his blood trickles down your throat – he’ll give you as much of his blood as you need if it means getting your body to work again. He doesn’t want you to be weak, so he’ll help you stay strong. 

🔪: Not big on most typical ways of displaying affection, instead finding the best way to show you his respect and endearment by challenging you to duels. It’s almost like a dance between the two of you, an opportunity to see how much the other has improved while the sound of your weapons clashing echoes through the concrete corridors of the other world in a haunting song of bloodlust and complicated feelings of love. After battle, though, sometimes he’ll just… hold you. It feels surprisingly normal – you sitting in his lap, head resting against his chest while you close your eyes and catch your breath, and his arm flung around your shoulder while he holds you close. The moments when you two aren’t searching for your home or fighting something (or each other) are rare and eerily calm, yet they’re also relaxing and bring you both a sense of peace in each other's presence. Mr. Machete doesn’t find these brief instances boring, either, even though he knows he should detest them... he doesn't mind sharing the occasional moment of quiet with you.

[anghraine]

I finished TOS today :'(

From J's loathing of the series finale, I thought it would be worse tbh. It is not good, to be clear! Obviously the whole conceit of the episode is intensely misogynistic (and transphobic, though I think that was less intentional) and Janice is so completely identified with Gender while also being so mediocre that her characterization is somewhere between insulting and comically stupid, but with a bit of generosity there are some things I can find intriguing about it.

For instance, Janice's rage over Kirk leaving her for his career only for Kirk to be like "actually I left you because your internalized misogyny was incredibly off-putting" is phrased in a deeply cringy 60s way. Yet, J and I have both found this to be basically true IRL. Self-hating misogynistic women do make for terrible relationships and Janice is at Lady Macbeth levels of it.

I also found it interesting that Janice (in the body of Kirk) is so sneeringly mocking of the idea that a woman could possibly have physically gotten the better of a man, when the reality is that a) she knows perfectly well (as does the audience) that this is exactly what happened, and b) this has happened to Kirk numerous times before (I think on at least four unrelated occasions in this season alone).

On just an acting level, I guiltily enjoyed Shatner's performance of Janice body snatching Kirk apart from a few specific scenery chewing moments. There's this blend of his usual Kirk performance with hints that something isn't right that get stronger and stronger until he's such an obvious monster that all the crew except security are refusing to follow blatantly unethical orders and actively trying to use Starfleet protocols that allow them to remove a superior officer (it's a surprisingly good episode for Sulu and Chekov because of this, as well as for the ever-reliable Spock).

The earlier phases of Shatner-as-Janice-imitating-Shatner-as-Kirk have this kind of almost-but-not-quite-right uncanny quality that I thought was actually pretty well done. It's rather better than the guest actor's performance of Kirk-stuck-in-Janice's-body until she really gets going.

So, like, there's this wild moment when Janice is sweet-talking the awful doctor into helping her commit murder, and it's clearly coded as, you know, the evil tempting ways of women as Janice leans in both kind of seductively and kind of menacingly. But Janice is performed by Shatner throughout the entire scene, so it's ... uhh. Well. A lot.

Meanwhile, Kirk-trapped-in-a-lady-body is trying to prove that he is Kirk to Spock, who is basically willing to entertain the possibility but not at all certain. I was half-jokingly telling J, "I feel like a mind meld could solve a lot of problems here" when Kirk did suggest a mind meld with Spock via the incredible line "You are closer to the captain than anyone in the universe. You know his thoughts" which UHHHHHH and then Spock does mind meld with Kirk and is immediately convinced that this really is Kirk, but Kirk is played by a woman the whole time, so. Hmm. Plausible deniability?

I'm honestly reminded a little of my Shakespeare class's discussion of how Twelfth Night would have registered to audiences at the time, when Viola would be played by a boy pretending to be a woman pretending to be a man. It's complicated. Obviously this bad episode is no Twelfth Night, but ... well.

I do also appreciate that the episode takes a very strong "just following orders is not an excuse" position, as does virtually everyone on the Enterprise except the security people. If the usual female cast members were more present, I think the gender stuff wouldn't feel as bad, tbh—I don't recall seeing Uhura at all, Chapel is hesitant but goes along with basically everything, the random woman on the bridge is just kind of scared where the men simply refuse to comply...

The conclusion is also just ambiguous enough to read the way I'm choosing to read it, which I feel is absolutely not what was intended, lol.

For context, a lot of Actual Janice's unhinged rage is driven by a mixture of what seems to be a very real glass ceiling in Starfleet + a distinctly authoritarian approach to power (J and I have long joked about half the cast of Mass Effect whining about "red tape" and we started going "RED TAPE!!!" as Janice transparently fumed about operating within an organization in which authority figures are actually answerable to other people and regulations exist around institutional power) + A Woman Scorn'd misogynistic tropes.

After Kirk and Janice are restored to their respective bodies and Janice is led away by the doctors, Kirk says, "I didn't want to destroy her."

Spock's last line in the show is his reply: "I'm sure we all understand that, captain."

Kirk responds, "Her life could have been as rich as any woman's, if only..."

And that's the end of the episode! And the show! And I was like "as any woman's, yeah, but she didn't want to only have the opportunities available to women, which is entirely fair even if she individually sucks." But since Kirk just trails off and wanders sadly away, there's no clarification of what "if only" refers to. I would guess that the writers intended something more like "if only she'd been happy with her place as a woman" or whatever, but I'm choosing to live in a world where it's more like this was a perfect storm of about five different factors and not specifying lets him wave vaguely at all of them rather than attributing her actions to any single cause.

Regardless, I'm sad to leave TOS behind. For all its warts (the godawful handling of nearly all female characters comes from barely ten years before Princess Leia blasted her way into cultural consciousness; the writing and direction is wildly erratic in quality; the characterization sometimes wobbles to serve the plots; etc), I've really loved it. I'm very fond of so many of the characters and feel I know them despite the wobbling. I love how the show uses color in such a vivid way (even accounting for tech changes that affect this, like the lighting making green command uniforms look gold), I love the willingness to try different things with angles, effects, light, stages, whatever. I love the worldbuilding-as-we-go that gradually coalesces into something familiar. I love the way it's episodic enough to watch in any order but kind of builds on itself nevertheless (it feels very right for "Amok Time" to long precede "Journey to Babel," for instance).

I even enjoy the glaring-to-a-modern-eye staginess. I'm so tired of glossy de-saturated sci-fi aesthetics that TOS being like "fuck it, let's try X" whether it succeeds or not is just very welcome. I've loved checking out different costumes, hairstyles, various little details that make it feel real in a larger (and brighter) than life way. RIP to TOS from the future: nobody's doing it like you.

[peachyvillian]

thoughts on transfem francis ? she is literally so near and dear to my heart

so true!!!

i love transfem francis so much and is actually one of my fav hcs too like UGH. i just find it so silly that francis’s first thought when going into kelsey’s house is “mm….. They wont know its me if i dress like a GIRL!!! 😛” LIKE YES. I UNDERSTAND .

i also really like the idea of aside from francis seeing carly as a crush there’s also this partial part of her that really just admires carly’s femininity and the way she expresses it?? i feel like francis wouldn’t see it that way at first either (just as she was totally normal about frankenstein and reading it with his teacher) and just assume its average crush things!! like wow her hair is so pretty and how long her eyelashes are and oh man that dress seems so nice …. i Wonder how itd look on me

and like i feel it might make her really just. confused?? because she wants to see herself as this strong ‘man’ who can defeat shane and make ladies swoon, but also theres this calling to the little things like a nice red lipstick, or her hair growing a little bit longer than she usually lets it, or the slight envy when she sees a pretty girl. and it really makes her nervous. like she has to choose and it might take a while for her to realize she doesn’t really. have to do that!

because she tags along with kelsey and trudy during when they were a trio and there are these moments that shine a light on so many different parts of these women that she looks up to! like trudy trying to find her standing in a home so harshly dominated by tucker (FUCK HIM) and kelsey’s strength especially when she’d been boxing. and it sort of clicks something in her brain. because she also doesn’t have to be boxed in this category just as every other woman ever doesn’t have to stay in a box society has created for her.

bc like part of her didn’t want another thing someone would actively bully her for or tease her about and so there were justifications and denial of a lot of what she was feeling and especially with just. the rigid views of gender and homosexuality back then, it really rubbed off on her. but sort of seeing and admiring the different ways that kelsey and trudy express themselves and not having to just be how people want to view them really just strikes a chord with her bc she can be strong (and shoot shane in the leg) and also enjoy wearing heels! thats fine!

MAYBE THAT DIDNT MAKE SENSE BUT LIKE. i dont know i think that francis’s slow understanding on her identity would really fix me. i think if will campos let anthony burch put francis in one of kelsey’s dresses it would fix around 50% of her problems maybe. idk i think francis has a very complicated relationship with her identity esp in that era but hey. she has a robot mother and a eldritch possessed schoolmarm. and bb too i guess/t i think she’ll have their support

[queenofliars-inanotherlife]

yourself chihiro or kirigiri you choose. or you can pick one for each

ooc://

2. Favorite Canon Thing about this character?

Celestia Ludenberg:

That she is a nerdy little manga lover. Also that she loves her cat so much.

Chihiro Fujisaki:

I may very well be misremembering or misinterpreting this. BUT

I recall liking the way Chihiro's gender was handled in Danganronpa S Ultimate Summer Camp.

I think a lot of the scenes in Summer Camp felt like nothing scenes to me, you know a lot of inconsequential fluff. But I remember there being some discussion of what type of bathing suit Chihiro would have or want and feeling like that was sort of a correction of the treatment of Chihiro's gender in Trigger Happy Havoc. Like, the stated truth in THH is that Chihiro is a boy who is pretending to be a girl to hide from his weakness, and we can tell this by looking at his body, which is not a narrative that I'm cool with.

But the bathing suit discussion made me feel like the narrative has changed to one where Chihiro's gender is something that can be self-determined, that can be personal and not necessarily binary, and that others aren't entitled to know. Again, I might be misremembering or misinterpreting, but it felt better to me, and it was one of the few places in that game where I was like "oh this is character development, this is someone on a journey of some kind."

If you actually want a simple canon fact, though, I'd say... That Chihiro has a good relationship with his dad.

Kyoko Kirigiri:

I really like her arc in chapter 5-6. Like, I like that she was 100% willing to throw Makoto under the bus and let him die AND that she felt wanted to make up for that by going into danger and saving him. It just adds so much more nuance to her character and their relationship. She is not just a straightforwardly heroic character or a flawless superhero. She's dynamic.

3. Least favorite canon thing about this character?

Celestia Ludenberg:

I have complicated feelings about her luck. I won't say that I hate it exactly, but it's an extension of my feelings about how luck is treated in Danganronpa in general. It's also part of why I think I initially misinterpreted her character in some big ways.

In short, I think it's weird that Danganronpa generally treats luck as simultaneously something ordinary and not special AND one of the only literal reality-altering superpowers a person can have. That's why I initially thought that Celeste worked hard to learn strategy and win games but lied and said she had the supernatural ability to never lose, but I now think the reverse is more of what they intended to come across; that she had the power to never lose games, but she pretends to be more cunning and strategic than she really is.

Chihiro Fujisaki:

The aforementioned issues with how Chihiro's gender is treated in THH. It's a massive can of worms where just bringing up clearly pisses off a bunch of fans for different reasons. But long story short, I think the game is 100% telling us that Chihiro's gender identity is determined by sex/gender assigned at birth, the game does not consider the possibility of a legitimate trans identity, and sees "getting stronger" as going back to living as a boy and performing traditional masculinity, and I think that's fucked up.

Kyoko Kirigiri:

At the risk of beating a dead horse here... It's how Kyoko serves as the mouthpiece for my problems with how Chihiro's gender is handled in THH. I think the player is meant to see Kyoko as the authoritative voice of what is true in class trials (along with Monokuma *most of the time*) and so she has the final word on Chihiro's gender. It's a bad look.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

Celestia Ludenberg:

I want to believe that, even though it's hard, she would have eventually opened up to her classmates and become a better person if she survived. I think she would have eventually synthesized her two identities into something more authentic, because I don't really think Taeko Yasuhiro or Celestia Ludenberg are exactly right.

Chihiro Fujisaki:

I want to believe that Chihiro is a g-g-g-gaaaaamer!

Kyoko Kirigiri:

I see Kyoko's flat affect as being out of her control. Like, it's not that she has a good poker face, she just isn't naturally able to translate what she's feeling inside into the expression on her face, and it makes people misinterpret her as mysterious or aloof or cold-hearted more than she really is.

[animentality]

Hiya. Little chance you'll see/respond to this, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway. I'm kind of stuck, gender-wise. As a gender-fluid afab person, I kind of know where I want my transition to go, with both T and surgery. The problem is, my very lesbian partner has some squicks about the way I want my transition to go, (namely the clitoromegaly and metoidioplasty.) I haven't talked to her about this yet, because of the squicks. (I know I need to, it's just something I haven't built up to yet.) There's a lot of love in the community for the effects of going on T that I want, which makes me feel good, but knowing my partner would no longer find me attractive because of it is. distressing. This is complicated by the fact that I do sex work, so I'm putting off transition anyway to retain my audience. I know I need to stop letting other people's approval and attraction dictate what I'm doing with my body, but it's money to live off of and I desperately love my partner, (and I'm used to sublimating what I want for others.) I don't know if you have or care to give any advice or response, but even just typing this out and sending it is making me feel better, so thank you <3

I get it, friend.

I really do. You know it's what you want, but you're also afraid of how much it'll change things.

And I don't blame you. There's always comfort in stability and the status quo. holding on to things you've grown so used to having, that you worry you might not be able to survive without them.

But if you know it's what you want- and I think it must be, otherwise would it really be a difficult decision? - then you'll find some peace in knowing that things are never as stable as they seem anyway.

you have to pursue the things that will make you happy in this life. it's the most important thing. sometimes that means choosing something that's harder to do, in the short term, but will bring you peace in the long term.

and yeah, it will be uncomfortable and painful if, or when, your partner no longer finds you attractive because of the transition, but if she really loves you, and cares for you as a person, then she'll support you, even if it's only as a friend. she won't cut you out of her life, if she loves you as much as you love her.

And I know that sounds bad, but the truth is, people are attracted to what they're attracted to. Now that doesn't mean she definitely will lose interest in you, though. Because honestly, I think you definitely need to talk about it, and maybe you'll be surprised.

I have known lesbians who have a few exceptions, just as there are straight people with their own "gay exceptions."

And transition isn't exactly a new practice or anything, but transition surgeries sort of are, in the grand scheme of things. they can be kind of disturbing to people, even supportive people, at first, because surgeries in general are always disturbing.

something primal in us just doesn't like the idea of letting someone else cut into our flesh and rearrange all the parts inside. it's instinctive, i think. but just as you can grow and change, so can other people.

even if they never ever thought about it before.

life is kinda funny like that. you can think you'll never ever do something, but then someone else might come along, someone you desperately want to be with, and then you'll become more than you ever expected you would be. and you'd do it together.

but you definitely need to talk to her. she might surprise you. or she might surprise herself, actually, if you give her the time to consider how it'll change your relationship.

But if she's no longer attracted to you, and if you break up, well, relationships always fall apart when one person wants to stay the same, but the other desires growth, and change. It might seem terrifying, not to have her as a romantic partner, and maybe you're afraid you'll never find someone else, but these things are normal, these things are not as scary as they seem.

All human beings, trans, cis, het, gay, bi, have to deal with the fact that people change and some relationships end. Some people can adapt, and stay together. Some can't.

Some people lose interest in their partners over many, many years, and some people can't stay in relationships with people who become sick, or disfigured, who have horrible injuries that change who they are. Life doesn't go the way you plan, ever.

So you aren't alone in that feeling. And I hope that your community is there to support you too, so that you don't feel alone in this either.

You might consider joining groups, or finding people, who know what it's like to lose partners because of transition, by the way.

It's always good to have a network of support.

Now as for the sex work... listen, I don't know your financial situation. if it makes sense to not transition right now, to put it off so you can pay the bills, have a roof over your head, then you can always wait as long as you need to.

But I wouldn't let that hold you back either.

Financial stability is very important, and being able to pay for food is your first need and all that, but emotional and psychological fulfillment are important too.

so in the future, if you have the money, or maybe find other jobs, or other means of income, then don't let it stop you.

and also, if you enjoy sex work, and you don't want to stop doing it, or having it as an option...you can find another audience.

it might be smaller, and different, and you might have to start from the ground up, but if you already have an audience that makes you good money, then you're resourceful. you're creative.

you can do this. all of this.

but anyway.

my advice to you is...do what you need to do, to make money, but remember that life is primarily about being happy. it can't always be happy, but...the end goal is happiness.

you have to go looking for it, though.

even if it doesn't look the way it used to, that's the grand adventure called living.

thanks for the ask.

always feel free to vent to me, by the way, especially about this, because as a transmac, I get it.

I personally only would want top surgery, but I understand completely the afabs who want to fully transition.

I remember the first time I used my name, and not my deadname...I remember the joy I felt, when my friends started calling me by masculine pronouns...

I couldn't discourage you from seeking the self you were born to be. It's a wonderful feeling, being the person you dreamt of, on those lonely nights where you laid in bed and wondered why you feel so different and alone.

But you aren't alone now.

Good luck, anon.

Hope everything turns out ok, and then I hope the rest of your life is wonderful.

[rotationalsymmetry]

More serious response to last post:

boundaries aren't a multi tool. They are not an appropriate response to all problems. What they are useful for are situations of "if I don't get x/do keep getting y, I am going to want less closeness with this person or group."

In situations where you want a thing but not getting it would not be that big a deal, generally it's best to just ask for what you want. Actually, even in situations where it would be a big deal, just asking is often the best first step. There are some things that make people more likely to say yes to a request; one thing that can make it less likely is insisting the other person owes it to you if they do not see things that way. People like to see themselves as generous and reasonable and will often do a thing they perceive as voluntary when they would dig their heels in if they perceived it as forced. This pairs badly with the psychological need many people have to not ask for things unless they think they are entitled to them.

I think the approach of "boundaries are a thing you do" is mildly to extremely helpful most of the time, and harmful in a minority of circumstances. As an edge case: assault (physical or sexual) is a boundary violation. It's also not something the victim can reliably prevent by their own behaviors. Other examples include someone else reading your mail, a health professional breaking confidence about your medical information, a friend outing you as queer, or an ex distributing revenge porn.

Also, sometimes people cannot get less closeness, eg due to being a child, having to stay with a partner or roommate for financial reasons, having to interact with an ex for shared custody reasons, being in a prison or being in an institution against your will, etc.

But there really are a lot of situations where the "it's up to you to enforce your boundaries" is effective. And I'm partial to it, because there was one specific time where an ex tried to force me to act a particular way that, in retrospect, was a violation of my boundaries. And that doesn't mean his weren't valid, just, we couldn't keep being as close as we had been. (He wanted me to shut up about a new partner -- not just keep it to relevant information, but not talk about him at all. I was unwilling to act as though one of my relationships did not exist. And it did very much leave me worried that my ex only stayed friends because he was hoping we'd get back together. And this was complicated because a substantial chunk of my social circle were people I only saw when my ex was present, so not mentioning my partner around him meant not mentioning my partner to a substantial part of my social network.)

The "boundaries" framework is at odds with the way most of us were raised (much like how "people get to choose their gender" is at odds with how most of us were raised) -- most of us got some sort of "there's a set of social rules everyone should follow, what any individual person wants is more or less irrelevant." So people new to using the concept tend to be really bad at it at first.

Oh also... people use the word "boundaries" in different ways. I think it's best to have the attitude that it's just one of those words that has multiple similar meanings, and if it's not obvious from context you might have to ask.

[fierceawakening]

ceanothusspinosus Oh! I did not at all mean to imply that competing access needs are necessarily solvable. They really truly may not be, and when that clash prevents a good relationship, it sucks. It also takes skill and practice to sort out what your own needs _are_ and it sounds like she is… not good at that. Possibly not interested in becoming good at that. Possibly ashamed to look at it too closely and see where she can and can’t compromise. Who knows. At some point it doesn’t matter for your purposes. :/

ceanothusspinosus I think that the existence of ableism provides a lot of context and imposes a lot of constraints on the whole situation. I imagine that in a less ableist world she’d maybe have different expectations of you and tbh of herself. But it’s not ableist to notice that different people have different abilities, and in your situation it makes sense that you’re really sensitive to concepts like expectations around “ability” used without failsafes.

ceanothusspinosus And in ~abusive/very unbalanced situations “ability” and motivation is commonly, idk. Complicated. Unclear. It comes down to “even if the most generous reading is true, I don’t think it’s going to change and I don’t want to live like this.” I’m thinking of you wondering if she’s copying some of your own ND traits/habits - I certainly can’t know from here, that’s definitely not the sort of thing you’re likely to get a straight answer on if so, it _could_ just be her own stuff...

ceanothusspinosus …so where does that leave you? Looking at the situation more carefully while you do your best to be what you consider an ethical person with no obvious answers, unfortunately. :/ And it’s clear you are trying to be careful.

ceanothusspinosus Also btw, thanks for being clear about the kind of answer you wanted.

No problem! I think part of the issue is, like... social justice types of framework, where you taboo certain phrases, really don't port over well when someone is dealing with an abusive situation or a situation that's leaning that way. Like, it's useful when my therapist says something sounds narcissistic not because she can or should diagnose anyone who isn't me (and I don't take her to be doing that), but because we have a somewhat shared understanding of the word. She's telling me she thinks that behavior is unfair, and the sort of unfair that stays that way and you don't fix with a clarifying conversation, because the kind of person who is often unfair in that way is the kind of person who isn't psychologically ready to have that clarifying conversation and is going to lash out.

It's the same way (and the same situation, I think, painted different colors) I eventually decided I felt about gendered slurs. No, I don't technically HAVE to call my abusive ex a bitch, and I actually wouldn't see much use in calling her that now. But at the time, when I was angry and hurt? Trying to police my own ways of thinking about what was happening were what got me stuck in the being abused in the first place. It was only once I could trust that I wasn't revealing some deep evil going "fuck that bitch" that I could get the distance I needed to rethink whether that was a phrase I wanted to use once the experiences were sufficiently behind me.

Which is I think the problem with a lot of those posts, especially online, that exhort people not to use certain terms to analyze the behavior of someone mistreating them. What that comes across like to the person trying to understand what the fuck happened is "you're mean for processing this in your mind, and if you want to do that you need to choose from the approved tools."

Which I think is why those posts got my goat so much. (I hope they wouldn't as much now that I've thought through this, but they might still bug me, I can't promise the berserk button is totally deactivated.) Survivors need space to be mean and aggro and messy, and just because we feel it this second doesn't mean we endorse it forever. People who are injured scream. This does not mean screaming is appropriate behavior most of the time. It means that it's normal when someone is injured.

Like with my ex. Reading books on BPD actually helped a lot! Not because I came out of it thinking "all people who have that are abusive;" I can think of several friends current and former who I don't think are abusive and who I certainly don't think would ever do the things she did that traumatized me. But because a long careful description of behaviors and psychic distortions helped impose some order on what I experienced as a maelstrom of desire and need and rage and hate.

I'm not even sure I'm going to come out of this thinking narcissism is the problem. I might even decide I think she's neurotypical when all is said and done, I don't know. But I need to be able to shut the social justice framing down at least long enough to sort out what I need, why what I have is not that, and whether (as my therapist has also said) the right thing for me is no contact or less contact.

And in order to sort that out, I need to be able to try on ideas like "No one cares that you're disabled. I care that you don't stop, whether that's won't or can't."

I can sort out whether that's too harsh *later*, when I know my own decisions and their results better than now.

Does that make sense?

[sirenalannysgreyjoy]

Alannys rolled her eyes good naturedly at her father’s teasing.  “Who doesn’t?  They’re usually all quite handsome,” Alannys pointed out.  “But really father, could you truly imagine me as a princess?” It wasn’t that Alannys was against the idea, but she couldn’t imagine the other lords and ladies of the realm being very accepting to the idea of a Greyjoy princess.  Perhaps if Alannys was regal and kind like the Queen, but she wasn’t.  “I don’t know.  A husband would have to get to his dragon before I got to him for it to really be a problem.  I’ve never lacked for speed.”  Alannys was mostly kidding, though she could see the reason behind her father’s concerns.  Dragons were dangerous, but Alannys and her family were dangerous too.  Besides, even gentle members of the Targaryen family like Princess Helaena and Prince Joffrey had dragons.  She’d always seen the youngest son of Rhaenyra and Laenor act with nothing but kindness and grace.  Having a dragon didn’t necessarily indicate violence, though of course the threat was always there.  Then again, wasn’t marrying a Greyjoy a similar situation?  

“I thought it could be a good match because Ser Arthor is from a seafaring house.  The Velaryons sail too, I suppose.  Prince Joffrey is kind.  I’ve never seen him leave someone on the sidelines at an event.” Alannys wasn’t quite sure why she had mentioned Joffrey specifically.  She had noticed the way he treated everyone with respect, no matter what family they were from.  In the brutal culture of the Iron Islands, it was an unfamiliar trait but one that still intrigued her.  How could one believe so much in kindness when people were so likely to stab you in the back?  “He’s terribly uptight though,” Alannys rushed to add, for some reason not wanting her father to think she was too interested.  

Alannys had spent a lot of time with her cousin Qarl Harlaw and though she knew her father was right about her potential inheritance, she didn’t want to imagine anything bad happening to her cousin.  “I’m fine with Qarl keeping Harlaw.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him, though if it did, you’re right that I might need someone strong to stand beside me.  Men would contest my claim.”  The Iron Islanders were old fashioned and while many had come around to women as captains in recent years, women as lords unless all other options were exhausted was still a heavily debated subject, even under the religion of the Drowned God.  Alannys’s personal view was that the Drowned God had better things to think about than gender, but many Drowned Priests didn’t see things the same way.  The situation had the potential to get ugly if Alannys intended to fight and well, she always intended to fight for things that were hers by right.  

“I’m glad you were able to choose partners who you wanted later in life.”  Alannys didn’t dare to comment on the complicated mess that was her father’s relationship with his first wife Tess.  They seemed to hate each other, but they also couldn’t live without each other.  Personally, Alannys had a feeling her great uncle had been too good of a matchmaker.  He’d found a copy of Dalton in Tess and that’s why they always clashed so violently.  But that was a situation she was more than willing to let Dalton and Tess work out on their own.  She was simply grateful that her parents had a simple love story of childhood friends falling in love.  It was a more comfortable situation than some of the other relationships aboard The Raven.  “Do Iron Islanders even pay dowries?” she asked.  She supposed they probably did, but it seemed like a silly practice.  Anyone would be lucky to marry her or any of her sisters.  Why should her father have to pay them for the privilege?  

“It would depend on who I married.”  To be completely truthful, Alannys had no idea how much money she would need to start her life as a married woman.  She had quite a bit of funds herself from her sailing aboard The Siren, but she knew what she considered wealth and what some of the older lordly houses considered wealth were two totally different things.  “My lord husband would probably get annoyed if I raided around his lands when I needed extra money.”  Not that Alannys would ever do such a thing.  She would sail to the next region over before she did any raiding.  “But you’re right, Grandmother will know.”  There were few, if any, people she respected more than her grandmother. 

Her Father's Daughter: with @daltongreyjoy-rp

Alannys dangled her legs over the side of the crow’s nest and waited for her father to arrive.  This was a conversation she didn’t want to have in the oppressive walls of the Red Keep.  So far, she had enjoyed her time in King’s Landing.  It was a new adventure and she loved the vibrancy of King’s Landing and the opportunities for fun it easily offered up throughout its various streets.  Still, she couldn’t imagine living like this for her entire life.  Even the short amount of time the Keep had been on lockdown had been suffocating.  Alannys had been forced to say her prayers on land, which felt almost as sacrilegious as not doing them at all.  She would never understand people who preferred the earth’s unyielding ground to the ocean’s comforting lull beneath their feet.  

It was something she had been contemplating more lately, especially after her latest conversation with Toron.  He seemed convinced their father was contemplating making betrothals for the eldest kids and securing them sooner rather than later.  She’d heard her father mention the subject before, but she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.  Alannys wasn’t opposed to marriage.  She had seen the love her father had surrounded himself with and often yearned for such closeness herself, though the idea of giving someone her heart seemed like an unattainable dream.  The last thing she wanted was to be given off to someone she could never care about, yet she also knew how important marriage alliances could be.  She wanted to please her father and help the Iron Islands, but she couldn’t imagine giving up her freedom to become some man’s wife just because her father ordered it of her.  

Far below, the sea gently lapped against the side of her father’s ship.  Please, give me guidance, she prayed.  She’d yet to have one of her prayers go completely unanswered and she could only hope the Drowned God would illuminate the correct path for her soon.  Only a few minutes later, she spotted her father making his way to The Raven.  She stood up and easily climbed down the rigging, the movements so practiced she didn’t need to think about them.  

She waited until her father had stepped out onto the deck before she dropped down behind him.  “Father, I do hope you don’t plan on selling me off to some green land boy.  Toron seems convinced you’ve been setting up betrothals and if you plan to give me to some man who will refuse to let me see the sea, I’ll cut out his heart and present it to you.”  Her words were a slight exaggeration, mostly because she valued her life.  Killing some lord or lord’s son would endanger her, but she was more than willing to threaten her betrothed and disappear into the night if she found whoever her father wanted her to marry unsuitable.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey, its the anon that sent you that trans ask a bit ago! I have another question if that's ok? This time I'm trying to understand pronouns. In your answer to my last ask, you were talking about how we need to respect the pronouns that people choose for themselves. I was wondering if pronouns are tied to gender? Like from my experience most cis males use he/him, but I've seen some stuff about he/him lesbians? What is that. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I genuinely don't really get it. Are pronouns like favorite colors? The person just chooses whatever they vibe with regardless of their chosen gender (or ungender for those who are outside of the binary)

oh hey dude, welcome back! first off I would like to thank you for the phrase "ungender," which I will be peppering into my vocabulary starting immediately.

so, what's the deal with pronouns? starting at linguistics 101, a pronoun is just a word that can be substituted for a noun or group of nouns in a sentence. that includes words like "I," "you," "we," and "us," but the most commonly discussed and debated pronouns are those that are implicitly gendered.

the basic assumption in English is that he/him/his are pronouns used to refer to men, while she/her/hers are for women and they/them/theirs are for either groups of people or someone whose identity is unknown - for instance, saying "they all went running together" or "someone lost their wallet here, I hope they come back to get it."

as with many cultural norms that are often taken for granted, this rather simple binary approach to language becomes incredibly complicated as soon as you acknowledge that not everyone can be easily parceled off into male/man/he/him and female/woman/she/her boxes!

your comparison to favorite colors isn't a bad starting place, because - much like favorite colors - the seriousness with which people take their pronoun usage can vary wildly from person to person. and much like having a favorite color, none of those preferences are wrong!

for some trans folks, having people use the correct pronouns is a very big deal, because it indicates that the people talking to and about them recognize and respect their gender identity. also, it's just kind of shitty if, say, you're a trans woman who gets referred to as "he" all the time, even if some of those are by people making sincere mistakes, because every instance of misgendered puts the burden on a trans person to either speak up for themselves and potentially cause a scene or just sit quietly and take it, both of which are pretty depressing options. this is a big part of why including your pronouns when you introduce yourself and wearing nametags or pins with pronouns listed are such a big thing in so many queer spaces - it can seriously cut down on the hurt people experience when they get misgendered, and it helps normalize the idea that someone's appearance doesn't necessarily indicate their gender or the correct pronouns to use for them.

for other queer people, their relationship to their gender can be so nebulous and variable that they're comfortable using multiple sets of pronouns - he/they and she/they are both common - or not having any preference at all. I include myself in that category - while I have no problem with the pronouns that people generally default to when they talk about me, I also really don't have any beef with other pronouns getting thrown into the mix. every once in a while someone throws a he/him my way and I think that's simply delightful. it's hilarious, frankly, and you'll never catch me complaining about it, because it's not necessarily any more right or wrong than she/her or they/them or anything else people can think of.

speaking of other things people can think of - some folks prefer using what are known as "neopronouns" which are generally meant to be detached from gender. some sets of neopronouns include xe/xem/xer, ze/zem/zir, and e/em/eirs. I'll say right now: learning to incorporate neopronouns into your vocabulary can be difficult, and that's okay. making the effort to learn and use them if you meet someone who prefers them is what matters. the folks who use these pronouns are being super brave trying to create a space for themselves by inventing language where there previously was none, and I salute them.

to answer your question about he/him lesbians - they're great and I love them! there's a long and rich and BEAUTIFUL history of lesbian expressions of butchness and masculinity, and for some lesbians that extends to wanting to be called by pronouns that are traditionally used for men. some of those lesbians might also take testosterone or otherwise consider themselves transmasculine and/or nonbinary while still being lesbians while others will eventually find the most joy identifying fully as trans men; the world of lesbian gender expression is nuanced and lovely and holds space for a great deal of ambiguity. likewise there are gay men, especially those with particularly feminine or otherwise gender nonconforming presentations, who prefer to use she/her pronouns; bounce rapper Big Freedia is a notable example.

it's also worth noting that many people who are 100% cisgender sometimes dip into adding they/thems to their pronouns as a gesture of solidarity and support to normalize the use of gender neutral pronouns, which I think is cool and rad. this can sometimes cause confusion on the part of onlookers - most recently, actor Rahul Kohli became aware that some fans were under the incorrect impression that he's nonbinary after he changed the pronouns in his twitter bio to he/they - but honestly, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing! uncertainty can be a great conversation starter and make space for a lot of learning.

in short: sure, pronouns can be a lot like favorite colors. some people pick one early on and stick with it forever, some people change it up every day. some people refuse to pick just one, and some people don't have a favorite at all. for some people their favorite color is an extremely serious matter, and for others it's all about the vibes. all that really matters is that when somebody tells you their favorite color(s), the polite thing to do is accept that and behave accordingly.

[star-anise]

I wanna reply to a reblog someone added to one of my posts, because I want to wrestle with the ideas in it without singling out the person, who I do not think deserves any kind of dogpile for being wrong. That said, I think this person is incorrect in a way that’s both common and dangerous.

TW: Domestic violence and abuse, sexual assault

This person says:

So  hear me out: I am too weak to abuse a woman.

I live a very sedentary lifestyle and  most of the women i’m interested in and who have shared interest could easily beat me in a fight. [...] so I would never raise a fist to them not just because it’s wrong but because i’m afraid of getting hurt back.

As a society, we are way, way too obsessed with punching people as the ultimate form of domestic violence. This is dangerous and wrong. It causes a lot of people to think, “My home life isn’t a boxing match, so I’m not being abused,” and/or “I’m not actually hitting them, so I’m not really abusive.”

I am a 5′1″/155cm disabled woman with weak and noodly arms who can’t perform a lot of basic household tasks like carrying a week’s groceries up a flight of stairs. And I could absolutely abuse someone. It isn’t about physical strength.

Abuse is not just a “man bad, woman victim” dynamic. It can happen to and by people of every gender. We need to focus on the realities of abuse and the many ways it can manifest.

In this post: What domestic violence can look like, other than hitting; how domestic violence can happen without huge explosive fights; what healthy relationships would look like instead; why it’s wrong to think of abusers as a different species from normal people.

Domestic violence might look like:

Criticizing or belittling someone’s interests or self. Making negative statements about who they are as a person. Treating them with contempt or derision. Calling them names.

Controlling everything about where a person goes, what they do, and who they talk to. Never allowing them privacy or outside relationships. Monitoring their emails or texts; listening in on their phone calls. Refusing to allow someone reasonable boundaries.

Breaking a person’s belongings. Damaging or wrecking their personal space. Throwing things at or near them.

Controlling their access to basic needs, eg. depriving them of access to money, transportation, food, medicine, or communication with the outside world.

Failing to respect someone’s personal and sexual boundaries. 

As well, these things count as abuse whether or not they happen as a Big Loud Scary Confrontation, or quietly, in the consequences afterwards. Like, it counts whether you say “You will never be allowed to leave this house without me!” or just quietly spend the money that was going to repair your partner’s car on something else. It counts whether you force a sexual act on someone who’s visibly resisting, or refuse to speak to or even acknowledge someone for several days after they’ve set a sexual boundary.

And it can be hard, in a relationship, to figure out what healthy and reasonable boundaries are. These are rules that abusers can use to their own ends, rhetorically maximizing the harm to themselves and minimizing their harm to others. “By being in the house when I’m on work phone calls, you’re denying my right to privacy,” they’ll say, ignoring that forcing their partner to be out of the house for eight hours a day is denying them access to basic shelter and they need a different solution, or, "By pointing out how scared and hurt you were by my violent behaviour, which I cannot possibly be expected to change, you’re criticizing me and belittling my feelings.”

At which point it can help to focus on what a healthy relationship would look like:

Consensual: Everyone involved is freely choosing to be there and can, if they want, leave the relationship without serious impairment of their ability to live an independent life

Surrounded by resources: Partners are able to turn outside the relationship, if they want, to express their emotions, achieve their goals, pursue their interests, connect with family and friends, receive support, or take time away from their partner. This is regarded as enriching each partner’s life and strengthening the health of the relationship.

Safe: No one feels threatened or in danger. People are able to assume that their partners will have their best interests and happiness at heart. Partners ensure that everyone in the relationship has what they need. Nobody has to worry that a disagreement or bad day with their partner will make other parts of their life unmanageable.

Respectful: Everyone’s emotions and values matter and are given equal weight. Everyone is seen as deserving the same basic rights to material security, safety, emotional validation, and physical space.

Fair: When there is a conflict, partners work together in a respectful and non-combative way to negotiate a solution that is acceptable to everyone.

Honest and accountable: People admit to the part they play in things and are willing to own their contributions to both success and conflict.

Mutually enriching: Each partner is committed to the goal of a relationship that leaves them all, collectively and individually, better off as people: receiving everything they need, capable of independence, supported and validated, and treated with respect.

Healthy relationships are complicated! They can be really difficult. They demand a lot of interpersonal and social skills that don’t come naturally, so if you haven’t been taught them, you can really struggle. I can really struggle. Anyone can really struggle.

It is really important to realize that abuse doesn’t result from someone waking up like, “I think I will be a Horrible Person to my partner today” and getting ready to rumble. It results from people with limited coping skills and particular attitudes about relationships and how to handle conflict trying to get what they want. Someone could be a really great partner, up until they encounter a problem they don’t feel able to solve any other way than overriding their partner’s feelings and using what force is available to achieve their goal.

But those are things we have the ability to address and improve, if we want to. A few starting places:

Positive ways to avoid toxic conflict

Signs of emotional abuse

Resources for domestic violence

If you want to support my work writing this kind of content, please consider supporting me through PayPal or Patreon.

[signorcerullo]

Pevensie siblings sexuality headcanons

I know I’ve shared my headcanons about the Pevensies sexualities many times before, but I thought I’d actually write them down and go through why I headcanon them as I do, plus how I imagine their relationship with their sexuality is like. I’d also love to hear what you have to say about this! So don’t be shy to reply, wether you agree with me or not. All interpretations are valid. 

Also disclaimer, this isn’t very professionally written lol. It’s just the ramblings of a person who thinks way too much about fictional characters. 

Peter Pevensie – Pansexual

A lot of people say that Peter is really straight, which... like I get the line of thinking behind that but, no. Y’all should already know how much I ship him with Caspian. Just because he’s a classic, perfect hero, knight in shining armour type doesn’t mean he’s straight. I don’t even think he’s “the pinnacle of masculinity” like some people say he is. Sure, he inhabits a lot of traditionally masculine traits like strong will, leadership, protectiveness and so on but I think his soft feminine side gets overlooked. Like, he’s pretty in touch with his emotions and he doesn’t show any shame, forced stoic-ness or any other signs of toxic masculinity (unlike Edmund lol).

Therefor, I also don’t think he would have any problem accepting his sexuality. Ignoring the standards of 1940s England for a second, I think he’s just always known he feels attraction regardless of gender and has never felt any shame over it.

Susan Pevensie – Grayromantic

This one’s definitely the most underdog one, cause I haven’t seen anyone with the same headcanon, so I really wanna explain my line of thinking.

For those of you who don’t know, grayromantic is when you’re on the aromantic spectrum but not fully aro. So a grayromantic person may experience romantic attraction but more rarely (how much depending on the person) or only very specific traits/people do it for them. Graysexual is the same but with sexual attraction.

Firstly, I wrote grayromantic as a title just because I had to choose one pride flag for the picture, but I also think she’s graysexual, and when she does experience attraction I think it can be to any gender.

Susan being grayromantic really is just the vibe I got from her in the Prince Caspian movie. The scene with that boy in the beginning doesn’t just feel like she’s not interested, but has a distinct “you’re barking up the wrong tree, bro” vibe to it, which I think is a reason so many people headcanon her as a lesbian, which totally works too, but I see it more in an asexual/aromantic way.  

And then later with her romance with Caspian, I very much got the impression that she’s very surprised that she likes him so much. Like she did not expect to feel so attracted to him because she’s never been to anyone before. It’s strange and foreign too her but she welcomes it. It’s the same vibe I think a lot of people who interpret the Susan/Caspian romance as recognition the other is queer mistaken for attraction and/or queer platonic pick up on, because it really feels like you’re watching two lesbians fall in love for the first time lol. I think that is a perfectly valid interpretation, but I fully believe that Susan didn’t think she was capable of feeling romantic and sexual attraction, then when she liked Caspian she was confused at first because it was so new, but then when she realised what it was she welcomed it like “oh, I guess I do experience attraction sometimes”. And in a modern au I definitely see her liking the aspec label.

Edmund Pevensie – Bisexual

This one’s not that complicated. Edmund is my favourite, and I relate and project onto him a lot have talked about it before and I could go even more in depth about it forever but I don’t think anyone wants to hear that. Basically, I’m bisexual, therefor he is bisexual.

Plus, a lot of people also have this headcanon, so there’s definitely something more there than projection I think. I mean, we ARE very similar and since I’m bi, why wouldn’t he have the same vibes?

Edmund’s really the only one I think would have a problem accepting his sexuality at first again ignoring the standards of 1940s England. Like I hinted at in the Peter section, I think Edmund very much struggles with toxic masculinity when he’s young, specifically the LWW period. I think even back then he knew this about himself but wasn’t ready to accept it. I imagine that in Narnian culture they value softness and vulnerability way more, so they wouldn’t have the same dumb norms about masculinity, plus they definitely embrace same sex relationships. That coupled with how much he changed during the events of LWW I think made him totally ready to accept it. And of course his siblings would show nothing but love and support since they’re all queer too lol. 

Lucy Pevensie – Lesbian

I don’t even know how to describe it — she’s a lesbian what more do you want? It’s so obvious! Just look at the outfit she’s wearing in this picture! That’s a lesbian if I’ve ever seen one. It’s literally just the vibes, man. Picturing her with a guy feels so weird to me.

It’s also literally canon: “But as for Lucy, she was always gay and golden-haired” I know he meant gay as in happy but come on. 

As for her relationship with her sexuality, nothing describes it better than that she just loves being gay! She loves it! Wouldn’t trade it for the world! Modern AU Lucy definitely calls herself femme, and she makes gay jokes all the time. She’s definitely the sibling that talks about their sexuality most often. 

[gaykarstaagforever]

I watched Don't Worry, Darling, in one sitting even!, so I get my adult points for the week.

Ha, more like Fucking Straight People, Am I Right? The Movie. Sheesh.

Minor spoilers, I guess. But I think they gave away the ending in the lead up to this so I can't imagine most people don't know the basic premise at this point.

I mean, okay, it is an alright movie. Solid B, even B+. Well shot, generally well directed besides a few too many musical montages / interludes, because clearly that is easier than clunky dialogue and we have to choose between the two, right? Could be more of a stylistic choice, feels kind of amateur, but it's not terrible by any means. Beautifully shot movie, too, with really good design and costume work. The performances are all good, even Harry Styles, though everyone else is acting circles around him. He may have been miscast, because when he gets angry he is like 30 going on 19. Then again, given the story, maybe that's what they were going for?

That in general is one of the problems with this movie: I can't tell if awkward things are the result of wonky film-making or were intentional choices to serve the allegory. Because it is certainly an allegory, and a rather heavy-handed one, and any attempt to dig in to the rules of this universe immediately makes it crumble. As an allegory that is okay. As anything else it isn't. If you can accept the allegory, that won't bother you. If you can't, then it will. I went back and forth with it. I think overall it is okay as an allegory, but I certainly didn't stop having questions I knew the movie was never going to answer.

Now for the whole Straight People: The Movie joke. I am fairly confident I understand what point the allegory was trying to make, and I find that point rather icky. It seems to be saying that often,(straight, white, upper-middle-class) women are put-upon in their relationships, abusively so, by (straight, white, upper-middle-class) men who are basically selfish man-babies. Or at least, that can often happen, and that is bad. And yes, it is, and no, this isn't the icky part. The icky part is how the movie's commentary on that, through the behavior of Florence Pugh, is that, isn't that so sad?, because we girls just can't help but love 'em, if only they could be nicer to us, then everything could be wonderful! Can't live with them, can't live without them, am I right, ladies? Gotta have those manly snuggles and stereotypical date nights before babies are made with sex, after all, and isn't it a shame how we often must sacrifice so much dignity for hot guy kisses?

Look. I'm not a straight, or a straight woman. I don't labor under the unfortunate necessity of traditional gender stereotypes being glued to my sexuality, therefore making them an obnoxiously vital component of my relationships. I don't know and can't know how complicated and difficult navigating all that is. But the conclusion this movie seems to draw about it seems regressive and creepy. Men shouldn't be abusing women, and women shouldn't be forced to put up with that. All that happens and people get stuck. But sitting, if not comfortably in that, at least rather passively in that? Rubs me very much the wrong way.

I get that it is hard when you love someone who is taking advantage of you, and maybe "taking advantage of" is exactly how traditional straight relationship dynamics work a lot of the time. Maybe to be a straight woman dating a straight man means inherently that he is pulling shit on you and you have to just get over it. But that doesn't sound like "love" to me, or something anyone should be okay with. And to then say, "Well, the solution is, boys, just be nicer to the women who are willing to submit to your childish dickhead behavior..." No. That's weird.

Maybe I am misinterpreting this. But the movie spends far more time giving us the male perspective of this bizarre thing they are doing to women then it does the perspectives of the women trapped in it. It is almost like we are supposed to reflect deeply on the sad masculine brattiness that caused this whole mess to happen, as if that in and of itself is the "problem" the movie is concerned with. And it shouldn't be, because, again, the women here are the victims of this garbage, and shouldn't be obligated to understand or deal with how their husbands are mopey about who makes more money in the relationship. But that is exactly the arc Pugh's character goes through. And while she eventually murders her abusive husband and flees the situation, that doesn't feel like a resolution to any problem, other than her immediate one of wanting to be free from what amounts to slavery. She still loves her husband. The way he dies implies to me that the movie thinks that he is in fact A VICTIM of what is going on here, when...fuck you, movie. This shitty little weasel is a r*pist, at least. What an icky conclusion.

Maybe something was lost in editing that would have painted things differently. The suddenly heel-turn of a side-character at the end, like she was secretly the REAL villain the entire time, makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, like it was the resolution to an entire subplot they forgot they cut out. If they had left it in, maybe there would be a wider implication of how this system of abuse works in this world, like it is being used exclusively by men on women now, but that is just a test, there are plans to go bigger, etc. But none of that was in the movie, so...?

It is certainly a better movie than I was expecting. And while I still think no one will remember it in a year, and I have no reason to ever rewatch it, I think it is worth seeing. Especially if you're younger than me, and straighter than me. Maybe it will say something to you you might find profound or useful. Didn't really do it for me, but I appreciate that there was an attempt at something. I don't have to agree with a movie's perspective to appreciate that it has one and gets it across well enough.

Oh and yes, it is weird how Harry Styles and Florence Pugh keep doing heavy make-out stuff and one actual (very tame) sex scene, to the point that it gets uncomfortable for the audience. Director Olivia Wilde has gotten crap for that, like she only put it in because she was getting off to watching her then-boyfriend Styles fondle another woman. And maybe she was, I have no idea. But in the movie, these scenes are clearly SUPPOSED TO BE CREEPY. They are supposed to make us uncomfortable. By the end of the movie, we understand that all the sex going on here has been abusive the entire time. That is implied earlier, as it is going on, by being shot too intimately, with ominous sound and weird lighting. That was an intentional thing, at least.

[rason-rodd]

Do You Know Your Alphabet?

NSFW Edition feat Jason Todd

(I tried not to give a sexual orientation to Jason in this NSFW Alphabet and make his partner as gender neutral as possible to please all sorts of readers. Apologies if some part doesn’t include all genders. I honestly did my best and I will happily modify them if you tell me how.)

A – Anal:         When he is dating someone with a vagina, Jason rarely asks for anal sex. He prefers pussy to ass but if his partner wants him to use the back door he will happily do so.             However, his partner has to keep in mind that Jason always needs to be very testosterone-y and in full-dominant mode to fuck them in the ass.           In a relationship with someone with a penis, Jason will usually be the one who fucks in the ass rather than the one who is fucked in the ass though he can accept to swap roles from time to time.

B – BDSM:     That will be a non-negotiable “NO”. Even though he is fully aware that BDSM doesn’t only rhyme with pain but also with consent and pleasure, Jason is not a fan of it as hinted and stated many times in Red Hood and The Outlaws.             We can suppose that it is because BDSM can let some poorly buried trauma surface by reminding Jason of bad memories that includes ropes and a crowbar.    

C- Condom:   Only when needed. Like most men, Jason doesn’t like the lack of sensation that wearing a condom involves but he is smart and responsible enough to know there are moments when you need to wear one.       At a beginning of a relationship, he will always choose to wear one until he is sure that there are no risks to transmit any sort of STD. But once he knows everything is safe he will gladly ask his partner to either stop using protection and/or take contraception like a pill if said partner can get pregnant. Being a father is not in his plans and it actually scares him.            

D- Dominance:           Jason is a caring and highly protective boyfriend with fear of abandonment issues and those traits ultimately makes him a very possessive lover.         And it shows in bed. His possessiveness coupled with his passion and devotion to his SO makes him the type of man that permanently tries to assert his dominance. But this so-called dominance is not a way to show who’s the man in this relationship or who’s wearing the pants. It is just a clumsy way to show that he is a fully committed and devoted lover who is always struggling to please his partner out of fear of not being good enough and eventually abandoned. (Who said men were not complicated sometimes?)       Moreover, Jason fucks according to his mood and so his dominance always varies. Sometimes dominance can simply mean him on top and sometimes it can be synonymous of hard deep pounding from behind. Jason can indeed be a rough lover but he will never be the type to lay a hand on his SO. So you can forget any sort of slap or strangulation. He is a fighter in the streets but a lover under the sheets.       But submission is very rarely his thing. Sure he will adore making love with a partner as passionate as he is and will forever be turned on by someone who can match his strength and therefore who will not mind standing up to him. But if you think you can tame him forever you’re so wrong.         Jason will occasionally let you lead the way in the bedroom and he will be happy to let you do so as he will see your sudden dominance the same manner he sees his (meaning a symbol of love and devotion). But any relationship in which the place of alpha male is permanently refused to him will leave him unsatisfied and frustrated.

E- Ejaculation:             One thing is sure; Jason can’t cum in a condom. When wearing one, he will always make sure to remove it to spurt his semen on his partner. Most of the time it is on their ass, chest or pussy. He will generally never cum on someone’s face though but will see no problem in cumming in someone’s mouth for as long as they swallow that load.           But what he loves the most is to cum inside his partner (which is also another reason why he is not a fan of condoms). He finds a certain pleasure in doing so, finding the act rather intimate and weirdly romantic. He would never cum inside someone he doesn’t love or barely know.

F- Foreplay:     Jason never forgets foreplay even if his body begs him to just fuck his partner and get it over with. To him, foreplay is necessary when you do the deed. Without that Jason will feel like something is missing and view the sexual act as botched.         But to Jason Todd foreplay doesn’t only revolve around handjobs, fingering, oral sex or any other physical display. Of course he will happily do all of that but Jason is an intellectual and so he will definitely consider words as a form of foreplay. And sometimes they even arouse him more than the rest. Few naughty text messages telling him how much you miss him and his cock inside of you and the man will run back to you as fast as The Flash, his penis as hard as a stone pillar. And when that happens, you might get yourself prepared, as he won’t take much time to kiss or cuddle.

G- Gear and tool:       Mother Nature blessed Jason Todd and gave him one hell of a cock that matches his broad physique! It is veiny and circumcised, long, way longer than average actually, and its girth is going to stretch and fill any hole perfectly.           But this beautiful gear is not always a blessing. Indeed, you cannot take Jason’s whole cock in your mouth without gagging or chocking (though some people don’t mind that) and if you’re not lubed enough penetration can definitely hurt. So playing with that amazing tool demands patience and time.     His testicles are even and rather large when you think about it but they suit the P.  

H- Hairs:         Jason is a hard-worker but he is extremely lazy when it comes to taking care of himself. Plus, that laziness is also coupled with the fact that he doesn’t have much time to really mind his appearance. When he is monopolized by his vigilante work, he can spend days without shaving (and sometimes showering) and not really realise that he is in an urgent need of a razor. A chance that he is not a man that tends to be very hairy!           But to be honest, Jason doesn’t mind hairs in general and there are actually places he refuses to shave like his legs, his arms and the sexy line of dark hairs he has under his bellybutton.     But when he actually takes time to clean and shave, he always makes sure that his armpits are not bushy, that there are no hairs on his chest and his face and that his pubic hairs are nicely trimmed (He hates shaving them.)     When it comes to his partner, Jason can tolerate some hairs but he prefers when they are either fully-shaven or well-trimmed. He doesn’t like eating hairs when eating his SO out.

I- Intimacy:     Jason is very ambiguous and difficult to understand when it comes to intimacy.   As a possessive lover, he will always refuse to share his partner with another ‘alpha male’. He needs to be the centre of attention and the only person craved and praised in the bedroom. So when dating Jason you can forget any sort of threesome or orgy.           But if his partner is interested in welcoming a person that might not overshadow Jason and let him keep his dominant place between the sheets (for example a woman) then he may accept. Single, he will happily mingle with a couple but he will somewhat see this as a competition or an opportunity to show who’s the best.           But there’s definitely something that he will prefer to threesomes and that’s being watched or heard while having sex.           No, he won’t drag you to some swinger’s club and allow dozens of people watch you two having sex (he is a romantic) but you need to keep in mind that Jason is a man that doesn’t limit his sexual intercourses to his bedroom.             He actually loves fucking outside and/or in public places as the risks of getting caught or being heard have the tendency to get him highly turned on and have his juices flow. But he is not stupid enough to risk everything for a quick romp in front of others.             Weirdly, he prefers getting caught/ being heard by people he knows - and in that case he will not stop fucking his partner and show what an amazing lay he is – than by someone he doesn’t know. It boosts his ego and he can’t help it.       The only time getting caught traumatized him was when Alfred accidentally spotted him having sex in the manor. He didn’t dare catch his eye for days.    

J- Jerking off:   Jason can sometimes jerk off when he feels like he needs to release some stress and tension. But this solitary act requires a moment of intimacy he doesn’t often get because of his vigilantism that takes up all of his nights and energy. After a long night of patrol, given the choice, he will mostly choose sleeping over masturbation. But when he does jerk off, he always makes sure that no one is going to bother him (though he has fantasise about his crush watching him quite a few times) and he tends to think about situations rather than persons. The only times he will think about someone while masturbating will be when he has a crush on someone. Then he will imagine fucking this person and probably whisper their name.

K – Kink:         Jason can be kinky but he is not the kinkiest of the bat-family. There are things he will stubbornly never try or even consider (BDSM for example) but things he will gladly do on occasion (see Intimacy + Roleplay). As said before he won’t mix violence and love.   But the kinky side of Jason is just another way to spice up his relationship and show he is not a boring partner. Moreover, he is a boyfriend that takes consent and respect very seriously. He will never do anything that might hurt his SO in any way or anything they might not be confortable with.   That’s why he believes he and his partner have to talk about any sort of kinks before trying to experiment them. But he will prefer doing it through text messages than face to face. He is weirdly shy when talking about sex.

L - Love:           Jason has had a few one night stands but he will admit that sex is better when you’re in love. Plus, “sex gets better with time” would define Jason’s skills as a lover as he is the type of man that needs (and loves) taking his time to discover his partner’s body and desires. He is an enthusiastic learner that hasn’t yet discovered all the things he can know about sex. And that’s because he hasn’t had so many partners over the years.     Though don’t think that means your first time together is going to be bad. It won’t. On the contrary, it will be great but not as great as it can become.       Therefore we can jump to the conclusion that the persons that will only have Jason for one night will definitely miss something truly amazing.

M - Massage:     Jason has many qualities but giving massage is not a talent he can brag about. He is honestly not that bad at it but since he believes he sucks, he will not initiate in any sort of massage session. However, he loves getting one since he loves being touched and caressed especially on his chest and back. Actually, Jason believes that caresses and cuddles cannot be dissociated from the deed and views them as necessary before, during and after the act.         Also, he is the kind of men that will display his affection anytime he can though preferably in private. The rare PDA will occur if he feels jealous, threatened or worse, neglected (Don’t ever do that or the entire city will hear his wrath!).

N – Nudity:     When he is in a relationship Jason is not ashamed of his body but that doesn’t make him a body-confident man in general. Don’t expect seeing him walking around fully naked!     Indeed, Jason is modest and never sees his body as sexy. I mean, he knows he is muscular and well-built and all but as it is in his nature to focus on the negative, he will always be a bit hung up about the scars on his body and he will never let a one-night partner touch them or ask any sort of question about them. Only his SO will be allowed to do so and that shows how much trust and love Jason places in his relationships.

O – Oral sex:               To Jason, there’s nothing sexier than his partner sucking out his cock on their knees. It gives him satisfaction and boosts his ego like nothing else because he views this act as a symbol of submission and worship, two things he deeply cares about when having sex.           Fortunately he loves to reciprocate and he will not hesitate dropping on his knees to do the same. But don’t view it as him submitting to you. If that gorgeous man goes down, he goes down to make you scream his name, not to be your pet.           Also, it may be seen as an asshole move but if you refuse to suck his cock, do not expect him to give you oral sex. As terrible as it sounds and even though he puts his partner’s pleasure before his own, the man gives if only you give in return.

P – Position.   Jason is a romantic that craves touching and being touched and so he will always favours positions that allows him to feel his SO’s body against his or to roam their bodies with his strong hands or his lips. That’s why he will not appreciate being tied up and submitted.         Jason loves positions that allow him to go deep in his partner and to see himself do so. Plus, he likes sex to be a confortable experience for both his partner and himself. Therefore do not expect acrobatic positions that will leave you tired and aching for days. He doesn’t need that to make you feel that way. His top positions are: missionary, doggy, (reverse or not) cowgirl and spooning as they will all permit his hands and/or lips to wander your body.

Q – Quickie:   Jason is not really a fan of quickies as he want sex with him to be a memorable experience as well as a memento of his skills as a lover. Therefore, he strongly believes a 5 or 10 minutes sexual experience cannot show his partner what a good lay he is. And so, he will favour long nights of sweaty sex plus some good morning sex if the experience was highly pleasant.

R – Role Play: Jason is a good actor. He loves wearing disguise and impersonating different persons as we saw it quite regularly throughout RHATO. So if you want to role play, you bet he will be up for it and it will be a fun time. His favourite scenarios: the ones where he is in charge of course since they are the ones that allow him to display the little confidence he has without any sort of shyness or fear.     Do you like men with a moustache? Cause Malone Jr. is on his way.

S – Stamina:   Jason is kind, caring and generous out and under the sheets. He will always make sure to respect and please his partner, placing their pleasure before his own. But that doesn’t make him any less hungry than he is.           He is rather insatiable when having sex and that’s probably because he doesn’t have sex often even when in a relationship (damn patrols!). Therefore, that man can sometimes get carried away, be rather quick on the mount and become a bit of a jackhammer if his partner does not refrain him. And he won’t stop until he … you know.       Fortunately, his romantic side as well as his generosity will always remind him not to leave his partner unsatisfied at the end of the deed which miraculously doesn’t happen as quickly as one would expect given his frenetic pace.       Because he is athletic, Jason has a very good stamina. Plus, he is the kind of lover that can recuperate rather quickly and so he can go for a round two and even a round three if his partner is up for it.            

T – Talking:     Jason doesn’t consider himself a dirty-talker. Sure he will let out some naughty sentences while having sex but they will never be disrespectful. He won’t call his partner a whore or any other insulting words. On the contrary he will give compliments and make praises rain and he will happily accept the same from his partner in return.       He will also ask a lot of questions to reassure himself like “Do you like that?” or “Do you like my cock inside of you?” and he will also demand to be complimented (“Tell me how much you like it”) especially if his partner is silent (which is something he hates by the way).     He is not a very noisy lover. He never screams or moans loudly. He grunts and growls but those noises usually are very guttural as if he is fighting to keep them to himself. Don’t do the same though. Scream, talk and let the whole neighborhood he’s fucking you good!

U – Underwear:         Trunks or boxers but never briefs. Something that can hold his prominent package while he is running after criminals in Gotham City but that isn’t too tight around his thunder thighs. His underwear is generally unicolor and has no patterns. Dick bought him a pair of bat-briefs for fun once but he never wore them. Actually he probably threw them away. He likes his female partners to wear sexy fancy lingerie but he doesn’t see it as a necessary tool to be aroused. Simple underwear doesn’t turn him off but if there are some unicorns or rainbows on them … well … he might feel very uncomfortable and perplexed.          

V – Virginity:               He was around 16 or 17, living among the All-Caste and it was with Essence, Ducra’s daughter. Essence was Jason’s almost every first-times. Though she is not the first person he fell in love with, she was the first girl he kissed, the first girl he touched and the first girl he had sex with. Before that he had never really made out with anyone, as young Jason was the kind of boy more interested in books than in people. But Essence wasn’t just anyone. She was mysterious, fascinating and hard to get and those two traits are still something that Jason digs in a partner. If you ask Jason about his first time, he will tell you that even if he and Essence are not on best terms today, he doesn’t regret one bit of what happened with her. He truly loved her and she was here for him when no one else was.

W – Worship If you don’t know how to be complimentary then you might not be the right person for Jason. This man craves compliments and affection as much as one craves food and water.           Jason cannot thrive in a relationship with a selfish partner who doesn’t flatter him as he always feels the need to be worshipped. It’s not arrogance. It’s because he is permanently scared of not being good enough. See him as an unconfident little boy who needs recognition to be happy in a way.       But once you start demonstrating your admiration and affection for him, get ready to be showered with loving compliments. Worship goes in both ways in Jason’s mind. The more complimentary and loving you will be the more he will. And that works in the bedroom as well. Worship the man! Show him (and tell him!) how much you love him and how much you love what he is doing and you will be the most sexually satisfied person in the world. To make it short, worship is Jason’s fuel.   To finish, If he could worship one part of his lover’s body it would be their eyes. (Told you he was a romantic!). He loves to keep eye contact with his partner while having sex and see them sparkle with lust, pleasure and happiness.           

X- Xenophilia:             If you look at Jason’s list of love interests, you can spot some recurring characteristics. Physically, most of them have light hair. They are often blonds or red-heads and they often have got green or blue eyes. But that doesn’t mean he won’t be interested in brunettes (Talia, Donna) and reject anyone with dark eyes (Essence’s eyes were completely black!). Because what matters the most to him is chemistry. Jason wants someone he can trust, someone he can talk to and that will understand him but that also will call him on his bullshit and stand up to him when needed. In a word, be strong and be there for him.

Y – Yearn:       Unlike someone else in the bat-family (cough Dick cough), Jason will not drop his pants in a heartbeat and he doesn’t really fancy eager persons as well (Those persons are only good for one night). He loves the chase and he loves when the people he is interested in are playing hard to get. That will arouse him a lot and make him crave them even more.           When he wants to have sex, Jason will drop occasional hints to show his (potential) partner that he wants them. Usually, they will be caresses, kisses and/or languorous looks. He will never clearly say out loud that he wants to have sex. But he doesn’t mind when his partner drags him to the bedroom and initiate the deed. He finds that terribly sexy even, and super complimentary.

Z – Zzzzz:         Jason likes to sleep after sex with his naked partner huddled against him. Rest your head over his chest and hold him tight and he will be the happiest man in the world as, to him, it will mean ‘Stay. I feel safe with you’. But don’t expect to sleep all night especially if your relationship is brand new. You wanted Todd in your bed? You have him and he will not hesitate waking you up slowly if he wants to get in between your legs one more time. Hope you don’t mind.     Plus, Jason is not the “hump and go” type of man and he will always be there in the morning with his body probably pressed against yours. Though, if you’re a night stand there are risks he might never call you again.

[thedreadvampy]

Please stop describing aroace as not wanting or seeking out a romantic/sexual relationship. The terms describe attraction, not behavior, and this is something that has been discussed and explained to exhaustion by aroace communities. I have personally also pursued relationships because I thought I wanted that kind of relationship, and too many people try to say that means I’m not really aroace. I have aroace friends who are in sexual and/or romantic relationships.

I’m not angry at you, I know you don’t intend to cause harm, and I generally agree with your thoughts on how Martin is characterized, but I am so, so tired of people who aren’t aroace telling us who we are, how we feel, and how we behave. There are so many easily-accessible resources and explanations about asexuality and aromanticism with respect to relationships, and I urge you do some research if you feel the need to define us.

I don’t mind if you don’t reply to this. It’s the sort of conversation I would rather have privately, but I’ve seen and experienced too much harassment targeting asexual identities to feel safe going off anon.

No I'm not going to stop doing that because my feeling on this is based specifically on conversations raised by and led by my aroace friends and loved ones. as in this is a frustration that a lot of people in my life who are aroace have repeatedly expressed - that there's no space to express clearly and unambiguously that you're Not Wanting Sex And Relationships because the linguistic space is slipping for that. and they've talked a lot specifically about how that's led to them feeling more pressured to push themselves into sex or relationships, or having to constantly explain and defend their space even within aspec communities. and that's a problem. not that people who want or might want sex and romance but consider themselves broadly asexual or aromatic exist, but that with the semantic drift around aroace, there's not really a term which unambiguously expresses that that's not something they do want.

Action is not the same as desire - having had or wanted a relationship doesn't mean anything for whether you're "actually" aro or ace, any more than having dated men in the past means you're not "actually" a lesbian. comphet is a hell of a situation. I'm not splitting hairs about attraction vs behaviour - I'm talking about desire versus lack of desire.

Yes, fine, good, you can act for a lot of reasons, only some of which are genuinely held desire (trust me I know this). I'm not debating that. I'm saying that the space that's shrunk away in contemporary aspec language is a term which unambiguously means "a person who does not have a desire to have sex or relationships."

In this example, Martin spends much of the story expressing desire for a monogamous romantic relationship and nothing in his story arc, his actions, his dialogue or his fears seem to imply that that's motivated by anything other than a genuinely held desire to have a relationship with a man he is into. He's not aroace in the same way he's not a trans lesbian like. yes he could be being led by common drivers - compulsory sexuality, the desire for emotional closeness, the confusion of working out which feeling's what, only knowing how to navigate relationships through a certain lens, etc - and yes he absolutely could be either of those things, but ultimately there's nothing in the text to support that conclusion as is. He is not written as aroace, and in terms of material questions like 'what assumptions do people make about you and what's a justified assumption to make' the two things that matter when it comes to "X is/is not [identity]" are:

what do they outwardly identify as

how do they behave and what desires do they experience and express

like you are absolutely right that it's shitty for people to try and tell you you're not aroace if you are. people know their own identities best. I'm talking about group terminology that's sufficiently materialist to make sense.

like when someone says they're aroace what are appropriate assumptions to make? that this is someone who doesn't want sex or romantic relationships in and of itself, surely? that sex and romance are either low priority or actively not wanted? that they're not likely to be open to attempts to initiate sex or romance, and that their rejection of that isn't personal? that they may prefer long-term to not have a partner and that not having a partner isn't a source of great pain and loneliness and doesn't indicate an unmet need?

like that's what the term means. a term boundaries a set of basic assumptions. that doesn't mean nobody in that group can then turn around and say 'actually I am sad I don't have a partner' or 'actually I think I do want to try a relationship with you' or 'actually it's very validating when people flirt with me'.

similarly like an assumption it's reasonable to make about bisexual people, and an assumption that's embedded in the term, is 'is interested in sex or romance with people of multiple genders.' that doesn't mean I can't be bisexual and also have a complex relationship to what if any sexual or romantic desires I have and why. but it means that if I'm talking about bisexual people, I'm expecting you to join me in the assumption that yes we're talking about People Who Experience Multiple Gender Attraction. sexuality is messy and complicated let's not get it twisted. saying 'this is what the word means' doesn't remove the existence of complex experiences of self and of desire. but what the implied meaning of a word is matters and people were and are acting as if the implied meaning of 'aroace' has nothing to do with inherent desire for sex and romance which seems to me to leave a pretty substantial communication gap.

as I said in the tags - is there a more unambiguous word for 'people who are explicitly uninterested in romance and sex' than aroace? what is it? what is the word that's meant to go there? because THAT IS AN IMPORTANT THING TO BE ABLE TO EXPRESS UNAMBIGUOUSLY. and it doesn't mean I'm looking for a word that means 'has never for any reason pursued or experienced romance or sex' which I feel is how you're characterising what I'm saying (and I get that this is a triggering topic with a lot of baggage for a lot of people so I absolutely get why you're reacting as if that's what I'm saying). nor does it mean I'm looking for a word that means '100% gold star virgin who's never dated or had a sexy thought.' it means I'm looking for a word that means 'is uninterested in sex and romance' to describe a reason why somebody might choose to not have relationships, or to not have sex, or might have no sexual or romantic history through choice. key word might. but the fact is every time somebody uses aroace as a descriptor of 'reasons why people may choose not to have relationships' people end up 'correcting' them to say 'some aroace people have relationships' which is. kind of irrelevant to the point. some lesbians are married to men (comphet, changing sense of self, marriages of convenience, lavender marriages etc) but when I say 'she doesn't want to date him because she's a lesbian' we understand what the common understanding of lesbian is.

ultimately idk how to end this post. my point in the original post wasn't 'nobody who's aroace has experience of sex or relationships' but 'aroaceness is a reasonable reason why someone might not have had sex or relationships' and my point in the tags you're objecting to isn't 'aroace as a term should only include people who would never consent to sex or relationships,' it's 'a lack of inherent wish for sex and relationships used to be what we understood aroaceness to imply; now that no longer seems to be the implication and that leaves a gap where a lot of people, aroace and otherwise, struggle to express that experience'

[violeteyedmedium]

So, the penumbra podcast does a lot of amazing things for people and has some genuinely really good representation and complex, well written storylines that I think are just so, so important. I personally adore it, but it isn’t perfect because nothing is. I think we have a duty to be critical of the things we enjoy.

So like, how they handle distinguishing their trans characters as trans has really missed the mark a couple of times and I would just like to point that out. Deadnaming and misgendering are social faux pas yes, but they have actual traumatizing effects on trans people, so only utilizing those methods as defining factors of a character’s gender creates a viscerally unpleasant reaction for a lot of people in the community you’re trying to represent. I don’t think we necessarily need to include those kinds of trans experiences in media meant to empower us, if that makes any sense?

Trans people have characteristic experiences entirely separate from the unpleasantness we experience. I think Juno is a good example of a subtle trans character. He casually mixes the language he chooses for himself and he indulges in both masculine and feminine aesthetics. There was some vague conversation that could be read as misgendering from Tod in Midnight Fox, but it was innocuous enough to write off (at least imo). Overall, Juno’s gender is made clear to the audience while not being intrusive to the narrative of the story or dredging up trauma from transphobia.

However, for Vespa, she did not get the same courtesy. Any number of things could have indicated that she was a trans woman aside from memories of her father using her deadname. I personally didn’t have an issue with this particular instance because I have a complicated relationship with my deadname, but many other trans people have said that it made them uncomfortable. I am not a trans woman either so I can’t really elaborate on any transmisogyny. I think that’s very fair, because deadnaming has transphobic connotations outside the world of this podcast.

The other issue I have with it is that deadnaming as a device to identify a character as trans feels more like they’re trying to communicate to cis people that a character is trans. Trans people, generally, are aware of the experiences outside of negative interactions with cis people that define us as transgender. Examples I would use would be like indicating a character is a trans man by mentioning wearing a binder, doing a t shot, surgery scars, having a packer, choosing a name, etc. So many people choose to believe Peter Nureyev is trans because his experience with names and the importance of names to his story really resonates with trans people’s experiences. Cis people are more likely to understand a character is trans through misgendering and deadnaming, because they are more familiar with that (especially because mainstream trans media focuses a lot on traumatizing experiences).

I’d also like to just take the time here and say how Angelo’s bisexuality and Ale’s introduction to the story were handled was transphobic. If Angelo had simply misgendered him once and moved on, the problem would be smaller but because he insisted on misgendering Ale even more after being corrected to cope with his own sexuality crisis, that is what makes it transphobic. The purposeful misgendering. He’s allowed to grow from it, but we shouldn’t act like what he did was completely an honest mistake. It is actually super common for trans men to be treated like sexy in-between genders that let people experiment with their sexuality guilt free and it’s fetishizing and gross. It’s dehumanizing. Ale being introduced as a teaching tool for Angelo to learn that being bisexual is okay feels pretty nasty in the broader context of that stereotype. This may just be my feelings, but I’ve talked to many other trans mascs who feel the same way.

I’m sure that they never intended harm, and that they will include Ale in a bigger way that fleshes him out more than just a tool for another character, but that introduction was still super rough. I just think that maybe in the future they could try researching different trans experiences and incorporating certain things that don’t evoke the really shitty things that happen to us, and instead normalize the experiences that we do have that are completely separate from being misgendered and mistreated.