#my parents had me in their early 20s and it ended in a divorce you don't want that | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

s4bbatical · 2 months ago

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YOUR GIRL | Part 2. Patrick Zweig x Female!Reader

Pairing: Patrick Zweig x female!reader, Tashi Duncan x female!reader (platonic)

Summary: After your parents announce their divorce, you're sent to New York to pursue your passion for the arts at NYU. Your cousin, the infamous tennis player Tashi Duncan, introduces you to her insufferable colleagues at a house party in the upper east side. Already a sore thumb from rural Canada, Patrick can't help but find interest in an untouched territory.

Word Count: 5,5k

Warnings: Sexual tension, profanities, mentions of cigarette use.

MINORS DNI

Notes: The timeline is inaccurate in comparison to the film, this is an AU. All characters introduced are barely in their early 20s, unless stated otherwise. No use of y/n.

Part 1. Part 3. Part 4.

CHAPTER TWO: “Everything is Embarrassing”

"Could've been my anything, now everything is embarrassing."

It had been two weeks since the house party scene had unfolded, and to no avail, you could not stop thinking of those green eyes. They watched you in the back of your mind no matter what you did, whether it was homework or taking a shower. They never leaved you alone.

The worst part is, you hadn’t even seen him since the gathering. The constant recollection of how he stared at you, haunted you more than the idea of his presence itself. It was embarrassing.

You found yourself walking into a coffee shop not far from your grandparent’s home, willing to perform in the corner of the space by convincing yourself that you’d get any of your homework done.

You ordered a black coffee, not in the mood to drink anything heavy as your stomach already felt uneasy with the deadlines you had waiting for you.

Tashi had agreed to sleep over, on the condition you’d be willing to meet her at the recreational space provided by NYU later that day. You two had a family gathering the next day, so it made sense. Plus, she loved you like you were her sister. She was more than happy to spend time with you.

Tashi was already training even though it was the off season. You envied her drive, but wouldn’t dare doing half the things she did. Your uphill treks to even make it to your classes were more than enough.

You stared at your laptop screen, feeling the blue rays burn your eyes into your skull. You read the first paragraph of your paper at least five times over, hoping you’d find a spark in you to write the second one. One would think that writing a paper on a topic you actually enjoyed would be a walk in the park, that is, if the park was burning in flames.

You end up scrolling on your phone not soon after, somehow ending up on Patrick Zweig’s Instagram page by diving deep enough on your cousin’s profile. You hated to admit that this wasn’t the first time you had done this within the past two weeks.

You feel yourself get worked up slightly as you scrolled past the photos of him on the court, sweat and lean muscle encapsulated perfectly within the professionally taken photos.

Your thumb slips as you attempt to refocus on your task at hand, accidentally liking a family photo from two years ago. You gasp quietly to yourself.

“Shit!” You whisper, removing your like from the photo before putting your phone face down on the table. Shockingly, you manage to find a jolt of energy to continue writing your paper in fear of looking at your phone once more. You heard your phone vibrate, but refuse to look at it.

An hour goes by, you've grown tired of looking at the words on your screen again. Without thinking, you pick up your phone to look at your notifications.

pat_zweig started following you.

Your eyes widen at the notification, hesitantly unlocking your phone and opening the Instagram app. You decide to follow him back, feeling as if your chest was about to explode by how fast your heart rate had gone up.

You watch as you receive a new DM.

pat_zweig: thinking of me are you?

You put your phone back down, shaking your head. You begin to pack up your belongings, seeing it was nearly time to meet up with Tashi and it takes nearly an hour to get there from your current location. Your face surely had gone red from the interaction, wanting to disappear into the hole of the earth and become one with the dirt.

You begrudgingly exit the café, walking over to the subway to get yourself to the West Village.

You approach the large recreational center, using your student card to get inside.

You notice students from different skill levels and sport backgrounds exercising in their own bubbles, paying no mind to each other unless necessary. You walk over to an empty bench, sitting down as you scan the room for Tashi. She was nowhere to be seen.

You remember there’s a tennis court in the next space over, picking up yourself back up.

You walk over to the next heavy set of doors that led to an outside lot attached to the building, pushing them open to reveal the court. You still don’t see Tashi.

You sigh, pulling out your phone to see if your cousin had texted you; nothing from her end. You scan the space again whilst walking into the bleachers. You set your bag down, deciding that she could find you here.

Off season apparently meant nothing to these people, watching them work up a sweat in the late September breeze. Your mind is so set on the schoolwork you left behind that you don’t even notice exactly who is playing until you begin to focus on faces.

Your eyes land on Patrick.

He was on the furthest court away from the door, which is why you hadn’t noticed him at first. He was playing a round against Art.

You watched closely as he smacked the ball, hard. His muscles moved with every decision he made, your eyes wandering down to his exposed legs, specifically his thighs.

You felt your face flush again, finding somewhere to sit before anyone could notice you fixated on the sight in front of you. You pull out your phone and text Tashi quickly.

where r u? i’m sitting by the tennis court

You look up right in time to watch Patrick begin to chase around Art after their game ends. As Art falls to the ground in a dramatic feat, this is when Patrick finally makes eye contact with you. He slows down, now only about 20 feet away from you. You could see that smirk from the top of the empire state building if you tried hard enough.

You knew he wanted to talk to you, and a part of you wanted him to, like a child playing with fire. Before he has a chance to approach you, Tashi appears from what seemed like thin air with her bag around her shoulder.

“Sorry, I was in the locker room.” She says, approaching you with a smile.

You snap out of your daze, looking up at your cousin. "Took you long enough." You force out.

“Let’s go, I am starving.” She says, signaling you to follow her.

You get up once more, moving your messenger bag across your body. The two of you climb down from the bleachers and make your way to the exit. You quickly glance back as Tashi opens the doors, looking at Patrick.

He was watching you closely, his eyes sizing you up. He waves at you with that diabolical smirk once your eyes meet again, just like he did at the party. You mentally kick yourself, despising the excitement you felt from this situation. Tashi would be immensely disappointed in you, to say the least. You look away.

“Hello, you okay?” Tashi asks, waving her hand in front of your face as the doors closed behind you two.

You blink repeatedly, coming to. “Yeah, sorry. My essay has drained me mentally.” You smack your cheeks lightly, attempting to straighten out your brain and rebuke any thoughts of that mischievous bastard.

Tashi laughs at you. “Okay you weirdo.” She says, linking arms with you. “I drove today, by the way. No shitway for us.”

Tashi has referred to the subway as such for as long as you could remember. She grew up better off than you, avoiding public transit whenever she could. However, she always willingly rode the subway with you when you visited. It was apart of the experience, you had always reasoned with her. Since you were now a local until further notice, the desire to do so wasn’t as strong now that you had to take the subway yourself nearly every day.

The car ride was long but bearable. Tashi had let you choose the music, also letting you complain when she apparently had no good CDs. They were her parents CDs, anyways. It didn’t matter to her.

You felt your phone vibrate on your lap, lifting it up to see what notification you got as Tashi droned on about her own studies.

pat_zweig: do you always look that hot and bothered, or is it because of me?

You gulp quietly, side eyeing Tashi to make sure she wasn’t taking notice to what you were doing on your phone as you continued to nod in agreement to whatever she was saying.

You: do you always speak to women like this, or are you just born this way?

You didn’t really want to put up a fight with Patrick, but you found it only fair to at least try to drive him away on your cousin’s behalf.

pat_zweig: only to the ones id like to see underneath me to be honest

You gasp loudly at the aforementioned text, causing Tashi to become concerned.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” She asks quickly, taking her eyes off the road for a second to look over at you.

“Nothing! Nothing.” You laugh nervously, holding your phone screen away from her sight. “I just uh, I realized I had something due sooner than I expected.” You say curtly, pulling gently at the neckline of your sweater. You stared at the message over and over, taken aback by his crass response. You quickly text back.

You: wowww you’re really ambitious! you should direct that energy towards your personal goals in life and actually make something of yourself

You knew that you were being rude, but you had a feeling he enjoyed being ridiculed by you. It was quite obvious that you couldn’t say anything that would make him leave you alone. Quite frankly, that’s the last thing you’d wish for him to do.

pat_zweig: what if my personal goal is to know what it’s like?

You hastily put your phone in your pocket as the two of you approach your grandparent’s home, your body burning to the touch.

“Do you need help with that assignment?” Tashi asks once she parked her car and turned off the ignition.

“What assignment?” You ask, confused by her question.

Tashi gives you a quizzical look. “The one you seem really worked up over. You’ve barely spoken for the last five minutes. You don’t do that.” She points out, gesturing towards you.

You laugh again. “No, it’s fine, sorry. My mind is just–“ You whistle, pointing your finger out the window. “–elsewhere today. Ignore me.” You say, stepping out of the car and closing the passenger door.

You retrieve your bags from the backseat, Tashi giving you a look like she didn’t fully believe you. Albeit, she did not question you further.

As the two of you have dinner with your grandparents, your mind keeps wandering back to the message. Your imagination gets the best of you as you thought about what it is like to have his calloused hands on your exposed skin, the same flames as before licking at your core. Deep down, you wanted to find out.

“Excuse me, I have to use the washroom.” You says suddenly, getting up to exit the room and run upstairs.

“Don’t be long! We still have dessert!” Your grandmother exclaims after you.

You felt your heart race as you closed the door behind you, sitting on the ledge of the bathtub as you unlocked your phone. You go to text back Patrick.

You: and what exactly is it that you’d do in order to find that out?

This was getting messy. You knew you were doing something you shouldn’t have, and it only enticed you more to the situation.

Patrick didn’t text back right away. In fact, he didn’t at all until you and Tashi were in your room a few hours later, staying up watching rom coms.

Tashi was laying beside you, her eyes barely staying open. Jennifer Hudson was meeting Matthew McConaughey for the first time in How to Lose A Guy In 10 Days when your phone buzzed again. You looked at it instantly.

pat_zweig: what are you doing rn?

pat_zweig: i’ll answer your question in person

Your eyes flicker between Tashi and the movie before responding.

You: i’m busy sorry

pat_zweig: not busy enough to be ignoring me though, right?

You don’t respond right away, your mind drifting off over the imagery he has given you. Patrick sends you another text.

pat_zweig: you’re thinking about it, aren’t you

You: about what?

You knew exactly what he was referring to, but something about trying to make him say it out loud made it even better.

pat_zweig: you know what i mean, you're smarter than that

pat_zweig: are you sure you’re busy?

You look over at Tashi. She’s fallen asleep without you even realizing it. You purse your lips in deep thought, weighing out your options. You respond back.

You: i can’t tonight

You watch as the typing bubble reappears then disappear multiple times before he finally messages you back.

pat_zweig: enjoy that dream world of yours in the meantime then

pat_zweig: goodnight

You feel your cheeks warm up, placing your phone face down on the bed beside you.

You begin to think about what would it be like; to be underneath him, over him, in front, his head between your–

You flip over to bury your face in your pillow, attempting to suffocate the thoughts out of your mind. Without trying, you end up falling asleep.

As the morning rises, you and Tashi busy yourselves with school assignments for the earlier half of the day.

"Stop moving or this portrait is gonna look disfigured." You state, Tashi readjusting herself in your desk chair once again. You had to paint a subject for your visual studies course, figuring your cousin would be a great example. Except, she could not sit still for the life of her.

"Sorry, the coffee is getting to me." She admits, keeping her face straight as you continue to paint the base of the image.

"Just let me get the color grade right, then you can get up." You say, sticking out your tongue slightly as you focus on the canvas.

Your grandparents and Tashi's parents liked to host family gatherings every couple of months or so, preferably when it was still warm outside so they had an excuse to use the barbecue. The entire house was expected to be in attendance, meaning you and your grandparents. Tashi explained that her parents were more than happy to do so, considering your appearance in their home of New York.

"Okay..." You lay down a few more strokes before humming in approval. "You're free to roam now."

Tashi gets up instantly, stretching out her back. "I'm grateful you asked me to do this, but don't make me do it again please." She pleas, groaning slightly.

"Noted." You say, putting the paintbrush into your jar of murky water.

"Girls! Are you hungry? I'm making appetizers for later." Your aunt Diane exclaims from the bottom of the stairs.

"Do you think she made pigs in a blanket?" You ask Tashi excitedly, who laughs at your facial expression.

"Coming, mom!" She yells back, exiting the room with you trailing behind.

The two of you enter the kitchen, seeing all kinds of ingredients laid out on the counter. Your grandmother was assisting Diane, your grandfather outside with Tashi's dad Mike as the two hovered over the barbecue. There were in fact, pigs in a blanket on the counter. You reach your hand out for one.

"Careful baby," Your grandmother warns. "They're fresh out of the oven. Wait a few minutes."

You nod, retracting your hand. "What time is everyone supposed to be here at?" You ask, sitting on a stool.

"About an hour, just a few more family friends is all." Diane explains. "I invited Michelle and her folks. I haven't seen her in quite some time, I'm very ecstatic." She muses, a smile forming on her face.

"Who's Michelle?" Tashi asks, taking a grape from a nearby bowl and throwing it into her mouth.

"An old friend of mine from college. Her son actually goes to NYU too, tennis player as well." Her mom says, pointing her knife towards Tashi before going back to cutting tomatoes.

"What's his name? I might know him." Tashi states.

"I honestly can't remember, honey. He's coming too though, I believe. You'll see then if you know him or not." Diane shrugs.

Your phone vibrates, pulling it out of your back pocket.

pat_zweig: any wet dreams of me last night?

You roll your eyes, turning your body away from the conversation between your family members.

You: that would actually be a nightmare. so no, thankfully

pat_zweig: you're really good at pretending you don't give a shit about me

pat_zweig: keep it up and i might get hard ;)

You scoff, putting your phone back in your pocket. Unbelievable.

Your grandmother says your name, earning your attention. "Can you mix up the caesar salad for me while I get these tarts going?" She asks with a drawl of her Brooklyn accent.

"Course." You say, getting off the stool and catering to your grandmother's needs.

The door bell rings. Not realizing it had already been an hour, your aunt makes a noise of excitement as she heads over to the front door. She begins greeting people you have either last seen when you were 14, or have never met at all.

You felt like your head was metaphorically hit with a large stone when you see a familar head of black curls step through the threshold of the front door. You hear Tashi choke on her water behind you.

"Grandma, what's Michelle's last name?" You ask quickly, turning away from the scene to face your grandmother.

"Oh, Zweig I think. Why?" She says casually, having no idea about the chaos that was about to ensue.

Tashi locks eyes with you, although you knew you didn't look nearly as pissed off as she did over his presence.

"I'm going to help dad outside." She says calmly, quickly walking through the sliding door that was already open.

You debate whether or not you should follow your cousin, but you didn't wish to create a situation. "Is Tashi alright?" Your grandmother asks.

"She will be." You sigh, turning back towards the guests. It would be rude of you to not say hi, after all.

Patrick looks at you, standing beside his mother. That's where he gets his looks from. You think to yourself.

"Michelle, this is my niece." Diane introduces you, Michelle stepping forward and engulfing you in a hug.

"Your Steph's daughter? Gosh, you are quite the stunner." Michelle says, rubbing your back briskly before stepping back. "This is my son, Patrick."

Patrick smiles innocently. "Oh, we know each other already." He says nonchalantly.

"Oh really? You must know Tashi then," Your aunt glances around. "I'm not sure where she went, though." She hums.

Michelle and Diane rejoice in conversation, wandering off to the backyard to join the men. Your grandmother had began bringing out snacks to the dining table, leaving you and Patrick alone in the kitchen.

He leans against the counter, a little too comfortably close to you. "Long time no talk." He muses, grabbing a grape from the bowl behind you and popping it into his mouth. A grin spreads across his face when he realizes how tense you are.

"Did you know I'd be here?" You ask with a flippant tone. "It's like you get off by making me uncomfortable." You suggest, crossing your arms.

Patrick shrugs. "Don't know," He leans in close. "you didn't seem that uncomfortable last night." He glances down at your lips before making eye contact once more. "Also, no, I didn't know. Pleasant surprise." He murmurs before stepping away, heading towards the backyard.

You let go of the breath you didn't realize you were holding, deciding to preoccupy yourself by helping your grandmother arrange appetizers on the dining table.

More family members arrived over time, nearly everyone either outside on the lawn or sitting around the dining table with drinks.

You had decided to stand on the balcony connecting to the master bedroom, having a cigarette so the smoke wouldn't be a disturbance to anyone. You watched carefully as Patrick entertained one of your younger relatives, trying not to laugh as the kid threw his stuffed animal at his face. He feigned being hurt, earning a hug from the little boy. It warmed your heart a bit, seeing this side to him. You hear the door open behind you, turning your head to see Tashi.

"I cannot believe he showed up, seriously." She scoffs, looking over the scenery. "He knew this was my family's gathering, it's like he enjoys being the piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe or something." She says bitterly, taking a sip of the diet coke in her hand.

You tilt your head side to side, somewhat agreeing with her. You blow out smoke. "At least he isn't trying anything," You attempt to reason. "But I get it. If I were you, I'd wanna kick him in the nuts or something too." It wasn't far from what your feeling yourself.

After a few moments of silence, Tashi speaks once again. "I think I'm gonna head home, I have an early day tomorrow anyways." She sighs, looking over at you. "Are you gonna be alright?" She asks, clearly referring to the threat down below.

"Oh, yeah." You reassure. "These bad boys?" You flex your arms as your cigarette hangs out of you mouth. You put your arms back down and hold out your smoke to continue speaking. "They'll protect me."

Tashi laughs quietly, nodding. "Okay then. I'm heading out." She pulls you in for a brief hug. "You smell like cigarettes." She comments, her nose scrunching up a bit.

"Hm, wonder why." You say, raising your brows as you inhale the cigarette once more.

Tashi smiles at you. "Okay, bye." She says, returning back into the house.

You put out the cancerous addiction into the ash tray on top of the side table to your right, resting your arms on the railing. You look back down, watching your relatives mingle with one another. You smile, yet felt heavy without the presence of your mom around. You were pretty good at calling her every other day, but it just wasn't the same.

You make eye contact with Patrick, who holds up a pack of his own smokes, gesturing to your current location. You roll your eyes. You knew it was best if he smoked where you were than anywhere else. You nod, watching him grin as he disappears into the house.

A minute later, he joins you on the balcony, closing the sliding door behind him. He doesn't say a word, putting a cigarette in his mouth. He pats down his pockets, looking for a lighter.

You flick yours and hold it up, allowing Patrick to lean in and light his smoke without you even looking at him.

You listen to him inhale then exhale, standing right beside you.

"Beautiful evening, isn't it?" He says, no indication of arrogance in his words. He actually might be genuine for once.

"Mm, yeah." You mumble, resting your chin on the palm of your hand.

He leans over the railing to make eye contact with you. "You okay?" He asks, noticing your lack of sarcasm.

"Yeah, it's fine." You say, looking back down at your family members. "It's stupid, I just miss my mom. That's all." You say nonchalantly.

Patrick nods, inhaling his cigarette again. "She's back in Canada, right?" He asks.

"Yep, unfortunately." You say, looking over at him as you purse your lips. "I'm surprised you haven't made a lewd comment yet." You remark, a small smile playing on your lips.

It was odd, there wasn't any tension to slice with a knife. The air was peaceful between the two of you.

Patrick chuckles. "I figured right now isn't a good time. Besides, there's children present." He gestures towards the young children running around the legs of parents who attempted to hold conversation while their kids yelled.

"I don't think they can hear you, nor would they know what you were even saying." You point out, debating whether or not you have another cigarette.

Patrick hums. "I suppose you're right." He says, putting his cigarette out in the ash tray.

You look at each other for a long moment, complete silence taking over. You clear your throat and stand up straight, running a hand through your hair.

"Can I ask you something?" You say, your stomach flipping over as he nods. "Why..." You struggle to find your words. "Why do you do the things you do?"

He furrows his brows at your question. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"How come you like flirting with everyone? You slept with my cousin over the summer and now you're going after me. Why?" You ask. You didn't have any cruel intentions behind your words, you simply just wanted to know why.

Patrick goes silent, his gaze looking down at the ground. "I, I don't know." He mumbles before looking back up at you. "I think I like knowing I have that ability over people." He admits, shrugging. "I'm not trying to achieve anything, I just can't help myself." He says, scratching the back of his neck.

You nod, looking away in thought. "Right, makes sense." You say.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He inquires, sounding nearly offended by your statement.

"Manwhore." You simply say, holding back a smile.

"Oh shut the fuck up." He quips, shaking his head. "You're really something, you know." He adds, looking at you with a certain fondness in your eyes. You were meeting his level, you knew it was entertaining to him.

"I'm something to Patrick Zweig? God bless America." You say sarcastically, placing your hand over your heart.

He mocks you in a high pitched tone, rolling his eyes. "Most women would've caved in by now, even Tashi did." He states, a shit eating grin on his face.

"Hey seriously, don't speak of her like that." You say sternly, clearly upset with his words.

His smile falls, wincing at your words. "Sorry, I'm sorry. That was a low blow, that wasn't cool. Sorry." He says. "I mean it." He adds, his words with a clear indication of regret.

You hum for a moment. "I guess I forgive you." You say, rubbing your arms. The breeze had gotten colder over the course of two weeks, causing goosebumps to rise on your skin.

"Thanks, I appreciate it." He says, a half grin on his face now. "Are you cold? We can go back inside. I think the party is dying down anyways." He points out, grabbing ahold of the door handle.

"Yeah, I should get back to my homework anyways." You state, stepping inside once Patrick opened the door.

The two of you make it out to the hallway, hearing the faint commotion of family downstairs.

Patrick stands awkwardly in the doorway as you enter your bedroom, unsure of what he was allowed to do.

"You can come in, just don't try anything please." You warn him, walking over to your closet to find a change of clothes.

"Course." He says, entering the room. He may be a horny asshole, but he knew when to respect boundaries. "Do you, want me to close the door or...?" He asks timidly.

"Please." You request. "I need to change, so I'd also appreciate it if you stood and faced the wall in the corner." You add, gesturing him towards the other side of the room.

Patrick raises his eyebrow, closing the door before facing the corner beside it. "Go ahead." He says, muffled by the wall.

You watch him as you undress, making sure he doesn't attempt to sneak a peek at you.

"Okay, you may turn around now."

Patrick slowly turns to face you, your outfit now a baggy shirt and some worn out sweatpants. "Wow, what an outfit." He says sarcastically, going over to your bed to sit on it.

"I was trying to impress you." You say with the same amount of humor in your voice, walking over to your desk.

"Are you actually gonna do your homework?" He asks, leaning back against your headboard.

"Yeah, the fuck?" You remark, sitting down in your desk chair.

"Wow." He lets out a low whistle, resting his hands behind his head as he crosses his legs. "Shocking."

"What?" You ask.

You both knew exactly what the other was thinking, but your pride was too big and his ego was too inflated for either of you to say anything about it.

"Nevermind." He says, closing his eyes. "Your bed is comfortable, I might just sleep here tonight." He muses, opening one eye.

"Hm, sorry, there's no flames to recreate the heat of Hell where your apartment must be." You retort, turning to face your laptop.

"You're really funny, I like that." Patrick comments, smiling at the back of your head. "You ever consider stand up?"

"Only if I get to make fun of you on stage for two hours straight." You quip, looking over your shoulder with a smile.

Patrick laughs quietly, standing up from your bed to lean over you, watching your laptop screen. "I cannot understand why a research paper is more exciting than my presence." He says, placing one hand on your chair and the other on your desk beside your hand.

"You'd be surprised." You say humorously, looking up at him.

He looks down at you, his face illuminated by your desk lamp. God, he was one attractive idiot.

He smirked, leaning his face in closer. "Take a picture, it'll last longer." He murmurs.

"I was just about to say the same thing." You whisper. You both hesitantly move in closer, finding yourself slowly losing the battle.

Patrick was not an easy man to ignore, and you were rapidly becoming unsure of your ability to control yourself. His lips just barely graze yours, teasing you slightly. You're about to go all in-

Until someone opens the door.

You both pull away from each other. Patrick is now standing as stiff as a board, his hands stuck to his sides as he pretends to look at your laptop screen. You stared at Diane with wide eyes.

"Oh, sorry you two." She raises a brow. "Was I interrupting something?"

"Nope. She was just showing me her research paper. Boring as hell." Patrick states, walking over to the door. "Is my mom looking for me?" He asks.

"Yes, I was about to say. She just wanted to say goodbye, and if you needed a ride to your apartment." Tashi mom says, eyeing Patrick closely.

You begin to laugh, covering your mouth.

Patrick's ears turn red, laughing awkwardly at Diane's words. "She's so sweet, considering my crappy Volkswagen is in the shop right now." He explains through gritted teeth, making sure you knew he wasn't getting rides from his mom consistently at the proper age of 22. "I'll get going now, goodnight Mrs. Duncan." He says, then looks over at you. "Goodnight." He winks at you before disappearing from view.

She watches him go down the stairs, turning to face you again. "What an interesting man that Patrick is." She states, crossing her arms. "He wasn't trying anything, was he?" She asks cautiously.

"No ma'am, I wouldn't let him do such a thing." You assure her. Like mother like daughter. You think to yourself.

"Alright." She whispers, uncrossing her arms with a smile. "Mike and I are heading out now. Call me if you need me." She states as she quickly walks over and hugs you, placing a kiss on your head. "I love you a lot."

"Will do. I love you too." You respond, smiling.

"Bye baby." Your aunt says before she exits your room, closing the door slowly behind her.

You groan loudly a few moments later, dragging your hands over your face in frustration towards no one but yourself. You almost succumbed to the powers of Patrick Zweig, and it was pissing you off.

"Stupid motherfucking pretty boy motherfucker." You mutter bitterly to yourself, grabbing your makeup wipes off your desk to clean your face. "You will not win! Your charms don't work on me, you bitch!" You exclaim, pretending he was still in front of you. You rub the makeup off your face and discard the used wipes in the trashcan by your desk.

Your phone buzzes. You sigh loudly, rubbing your forehead.

"I swear to god." You mutter, grabbing the cellular device.

pat_zweig: next time there will be no interruptions

pat_zweig: goodnight ;)

You toss yourself onto your bed, grabbing your pillow as you scream into it.

You will be the death of me, Patrick Zweig.

i know i wrote this but why is he lowkey pissing me off too LMFAO

anyways, thank you for your patience everyone. A whole 24 hours.. blasphemy. I'll get right onto part 3, no doubt about it. also!! over double the amount of the previous word count because i am very grateful for the responses i got. much love you guys.

as always, let me know how you like it, and if you have any suggestions for future pieces lmk! huzzah

much love, isabel

#josh o'connor x reader #patrick zweig x you #patrick zweig imagine #patrick zweig #patrick zweig x reader #tashi duncan x reader #tashi duncan #art donaldson #challengers x reader #challengers fic

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fizzingwizard · 2 years ago

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Randomly visited reddit and saw this:

My first thought: it's an incel pretending to be a woman, because what modern woman thinks she's spoiled milk a 30??? (Aside from also trashing her girl friends - girl, get better friends!) But their profile doesn't seem weird in any way, so, I guess there are some people out there who really somehow believe youth ends at 29. Even some who have aged past it.

It's not even true that all 30 year olds are less beautiful than they were at 20. People age in different ways at at different rates: yeah, your likelihood of getting wrinkles and gray hairs is only ever going to go up. But some people don't have their style figured out in their twenties - some people turn thirty and freaking bloom. And you can't call that a late bloomer. 40 isn't a late bloomer either! 20 is nice but it's not the heaven on earth it's cracked up to be, and 30 is just getting started.

Idk about the rest of you but you know those posts about how embarrassing it is to look back on 14? Yeah, related to those when I was 20. Now I've passed the big 3-0, and guess what - I think 20 year old me was so silly lol. So insecure, so afraid to make mistakes, so resistant to change. I enjoyed my twenties, but my early thirties have so far been way better: I'm more confident, less self-involved, and I find happiness so much more easily than I did back when I thought everything I did had to matter So Damn Much. And if you think that doesn't relate to being attractive: confidence is 90% of it. Just walk up and smile. A confident, happy person always attracts others even if they're just average-looking.

Also for people who like men, don't forget: men in their 30s usually aren't quite the energizer bunnies they were in their 20s when it comes to ~sexy times~ The 20-year-old stud who insisted he could go for a roll multiple times a day, every day, is probably much less gung ho at 30. And also more forward-thinking, and less amaaaaazed by omg boobies!!! When you're young, half the excitement is just how new everything is. It gets less intense, thank goodness. (But it's still hot!)

This post just totally rubbed me the wrong way. It read as a still young woman anxiously wringing her hands in apology for having the audacity to be single at... 30?? And apparently not trusting women to have good advice about dating at 30 (so no point in me responding to her, lol), but perfectly comfortable kissing up to incel mindsets such as "women past 25 should accept that they're sloppy seconds" etc. "Value as a partner" do you have intrinsic worth as a human being?? Yes??? Then your value does NOT degrade. Yeah, you might have gray hair, the horror, so unsexy (I've had very visible grays since I was 23 and been dyeing since 26 lmao). Doesn't mean you're less hot than some 20 year old who doesn't know what she's doing. Doesn't mean it'll be at all hard to find a partner who will love you warts and all. Do you have this same expectation of men? Are you gonna start dating a 30 year old dude and then complain that he gets tired more quickly than a 20 year old would?? Is he less sexy just because he doesn't party all night and drink twice his weight without effect? Overrated overrated overrated!

My parents divorced in their 60s. My mom's got a new boyfriend who takes her dancing under the full moon. They're living their best lives way past their so-called "prime" and no, that is not rare - it's just a choice. If you view yourself as having some expiration date, you're not gonna do anything to improve your happiness once you're past it. Don't let incels or misogyny or whatever convince you your perfectly wholesome milk has gone bad, because that is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

ETA: Well, while I was working this got 150 notes, and although that's barely a drop in the bucket, it's still a lot more than my rants usually get (about 2 lol). So I just want to clarify a couple things so I stop getting comments about them.

This post was from the askmen subreddit. I left that out, feeling "reddit" was context enough, but I guess the implications may not have been obvious, especially to tumblr users who don't also use reddit. Askmen isn't a horrible place (a number of the responders pointed out why they prefer older women to younger ones), but many of its members have a pretty incel-adjacent vibe. Plus there are a number of women (real or not) who post there, many of whom have a similar brown-nosey "unlike those radical feminists, I'm a woman who knows her place" attitude.

It's fine to suggest the OP may have internalized misogyny from being abused - but it's not a given, as nothing in the post is a definite indication of abuse by itself. Big kudos for the compassion - just keep in mind that my response was about general attitudes towards dating post-twenties and not about abuse victims.

To the person who thinks a relationship of six years makes a difference somehow?: You seem to have interpreted my post as an attack on people who feel insecure about returning to dating after a breakup. But I think it's clearly nothing to do with that. Of course it is natural to have anxieties about being single after so long, but nowhere in this post was that denied or mocked. Whether you've been together one year or six, this post would always be weird - those natural anxieties don't make misogynistic mindsets about decrepit 30-year-old women any less gross. If you had decided to write a reaction to the OP's post, perhaps you would have chosen to center it on the effects of coming off a long term relationship, and I'm sure it'd be insightful. However, I am not you, and I chose to react to the attitudes around aging in relationships reflected in the post.

#rant

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jackie-gremlin-ghost · 1 year ago

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Today marks 7 years since the reawakening of my Captain Underpants hyperfixation, which had been asleep for a very, very long time.

I had first discovered the books much like any kid in the late 90s/early 2000s; at the Scholastic Book Fair. If I remember correctly, the first one I had found was the second book, Attack of the Talking Toilets. I remember thinking how silly the cover looked, and it drew my little elementary school self in like a moth to flame.

I had quickly read it and absolutely loved it, and like discovering a new favorite treat for the first time, I immediately wanted more.

I was able to find the first book in my school’s library so I was able to get the full story on the two best friends who pulled the ultimate prank by hypnotizing their grouch of a school principal, and how it immediately became the worst decision they ever made.

And I loved every second of it.

As the years went on, I eagerly anticipated the Book Fair’s arrival at my school and would beg my mom for a few dollars extra, just so I get my hands on the newest adventure.

I devoured every single story I could find and bought as soon as I could, and each one was more entertaining than the last. From alien lunch ladies and zombie nerds, to a megalomaniac professor with an incredibly silly name in a giant robot with charts that you could use to give yourself a silly name (mine is “Poopsie Bananachunks” BTW), to an insane hypnotized woman with Medusa hair that gave atomic wedgies.

The more I read and reread these stories, the more I couldn’t help but think that it would make a pretty fun movie, or at least a tv show.

These stories had been with me through a lot of ups and downs in my life, the biggest being my parents’ divorce. They were there to remind me that even when times could be tough, you can make it through and still be able to laugh at even the silliest of things, no matter how old you got.

By the time I was 10, I got my hands on the latest book in the series, The Big Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy Part 1. I loved it as always, but was shocked to see it ended on a cliffhanger. This had never happened before. I was anxious to see what would happen and how George and Harold would get out of this mess.

But… it would be some time before I got those answers.

Time went on, and my attention went to other things. I found new hyperfixations over the years, and while I didn’t have the 7th book at the time, I was eventually able to get answers thanks to the internet.

Eventually I entered middle school, and I found myself drawn to new book series that I grew to love, but Captain Underpants remained a big part of my childhood and some of its happiest memories. And for a while, I thought that was all it would be; memories to just fondly look back on.

But that all changed the winter of 2016.

It was the halfway point between Christmas and New Year’s, and I was gonna be 24 in less than a month. I was spending my downtime between holidays like any other bored 20-something year old; scrolling through Tumblr, of course. It was during that time that I stumbled across this post by @mondentertainment. It was photos of posters from a Licensing Expo, showcasing upcoming animated projects, be it films or series.

Among them were a few that sounded promising, others not so much.

But what caught my eye was this.

A poster from DreamWorks with a very familiar face on it.

I could barely believe what I was seeing, and from the comments and reblogs on the post, neither could a lot of other people.

It was like a door that had been long locked in the back of my brain finally burst open, and all those memories came flooding back, particularly of a reoccurring thought that ran through my young mind whenever I would look at those illustrations every time I turned the page.

Could it really be true? Was one of my favorite childhood books finally getting a chance to truly come to life on the big screen?

It had already happened once before after I read Coraline in middle school, so there might be a chance.

As you could probably imagine, I poured my thoughts of hope and excitement into the tags as I reblogged the post.

And when the trailer finally dropped three months later, it was like meeting that one childhood friend you never truly forgot all over again.

So much happened after seeing the movie on opening night, including meeting Dav Pilkey himself!

And all the great memories and friends I’ve made since rediscovering the fandom all lead back to that one moment on December 28th, 2016.

And I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

#captain underpants #captain underpants the first epic movie #captain underpants: the first epic movie #personal #personal ramblings

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lurkingshan · 2 years ago

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La Pluie: Do you still believe in soulmates?

Earlier I was chatting with @sliceduplife about this week’s La Pluie and how the show has been layering in the subversion of the soulmate concept, and they reminded me that this is literally the last screen of the show’s teaser trailer:

Which kind of blew my mind a little. Because it confirmed for me that this show was being open about its intention to interrogate the idea of soulmates right from the start. They’ve never been particularly subtle about it. It’s been right in front of us all along, but given how trained we all are as a bl/romance audience to have certain expectations tied to romance conventions, this intentional subversion of the soulmate trope seems to have caused some confusion. And thus, I was compelled to do a rundown documenting how the show has used the context around our characters to guide our understanding of this theme. I’ve talked about some of this in other posts but please indulge me as I organize my scattered thoughts into one coherent piece. Shouts also to @wen-kexing-apologist and @bengiyo for reading this over for me and making sure I didn’t miss anything (over to WKA for the body language analysis).

Let’s start at the start. In the very first episode, Saengtai tells us plainly in his opening voiceover that no one knows why some people have hearing loss or why some of them start hearing another person after they turn 20, and that the idea that this is a soulmate connection is a social construct that most choose to believe. So right off the bat, the show is telling us the soulmate idea is not necessarily true and inviting us to question the lore.

Then within this same episode we are introduced to two couples involving people with hearing loss: Tai’s parents, who are hearing loss soulmates that are divorcing, and the couple in the cafe, one of whom has hearing loss, and one who does not. One example of a soulmate pair that is ending their romantic relationship permanently, and one example of a person with hearing loss who has chosen to be with someone who is not their soulmate. Interestingly, the show did not and has not since countered these examples by including even a single happy soulmate couple in the story for Tai and Patts to see as an example.

The show then built on this by giving us direct commentary about the skeptical point of view via Lomfon. He (and presumably, plenty of others) believes that the hearing loss connection is a scientific phenomenon and the soulmate idea is just a romantic notion with no basis in reality. He believes that people should not be expected to enter romantic relationships with their hearing loss partners, and that choice is what matters most. Again, we are being explicitly invited to question the lore and encouraged to doubt.

As we got into the romance between Tai and Patts, the show took basically every opportunity to undermine the idea that they should be together because they are fated soulmates, and instead emphasized over and over again that their individual choice and feelings are what matter most:

Tai is not interested in meeting his soulmate at all. In fact, he actively avoids it and leaves poor Patts on read for two entire years. Had they not happened to meet in the real world, Tai likely still would never have spoken to him.

Patts meets Tai in the wild, is immediately attracted to him, and begins pursuing him all without knowing they are soulmates. This is crucial for establishing that it was not the hearing loss connection that brought them together, nor is it the hearing loss connection that serves as the basis for their relationship. It was the genuine attraction Patts felt for Tai that got their relationship started. Patts says explicitly that he wants to “defy his destiny” after meeting Tai.

Tai becomes interested in Patts only after meeting him in real life. Because he’s a hot, kind, generous animal doctor who Tai is attracted to, not because he is the person he hears when it rains.

In the early stages of their relationship, Tai struggles to trust Patts after overhearing some things out of context that he misunderstood. The hearing loss connection actually creates distance between them rather than bringing them closer together.

Patts and Tai have their first date before their soulmate connection is acknowledged between them. We saw that they were vibing and getting to know each other without that connection being part of the equation, and in fact, that connection was the thing causing Tai to hold back. Once Patts knows that, he understands what’s been going on with Tai and after one very emotional drunken kiss, gives him space to process - literally, he physically removes himself and leaves a note. The revelation, once again, causes distance between them rather than bringing them together.

Once it’s out in the open, because of their hearing loss connection, Tai and Patts experience immense pressure from their loved ones to get together immediately. This hinders more than helps them, as it raises the stakes on their relationship right out of the gate and makes Tai anxious and Patts cautious.

Nara is introduced to the narrative in order to show us that Patts actually had a love before Tai, and one that he was genuinely happy with. There is a universe where Patts could have gotten back together with her and lived quite well. Had he not run into Tai in the real world, that’s probably the universe he’d be living in.

As they get to know each other and their attraction grows, Tai is actively in distress about Patts being his soulmate because he is so devastated about what happened with his parents and he fears they will end up the same way. Moving past his fear about this is the biggest obstacle to their romance.

Don’t think I didn’t notice that during the crucial few episodes when Tai and Patts started seeing each other and getting to know each other properly, it didn’t rain once. From the time Patts took Tai out on a date and they got drenched (and didn’t even use their connection because they were together) until Tai wandered up the mountain, we were in a rain free zone. All of that crucial relationship development, all of that trust-building, every moment of the time we saw them actually falling in love, happened entirely without the involvement of the hearing loss connection.

Tai and Patts finally affirm their love and decide to be together after directly discussing their doubts and uncertainty about the soulmate connection, mutually declaring that their feelings are real even if the soulmate bond is not, and committing to be with each other regardless. What matters is they really love each other.

Throughout this entire series of events spread over a few months, Tai’s only hesitation about this relationship is that he doesn’t want to get involved with his soulmate. Because if they weren’t soulmates? They would just be two single dudes who met, sparked, and immediately started dating. But because they are connected by hearing loss, it’s all way more complicated than that, and they had overcome a lot of internal struggle to be together.

The show has now introduced Lomfon’s hearing loss, which does not seem to be following the rules of the soulmate construct as we know them. We are clearly not done interrogating the concept of soulmates; the show has more yet to say and we know that Lomfon is going to end up in a romantic relationship with Tien, not either of the people he can hear when it rains.

So. Do you still believe in soulmates?

#la pluie #thai bl #no i am never going to shut up about this show thanks for asking #shan shouts into the void

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theblogofinsanity · 11 months ago

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Here goes nothing... Or something. Maybe this is a little more than nothing.

NOTE:

Hello and thanks everyone :)

I honestly didn't expect anyone to follow me, much less read my blog.

It brings a smile to my face and makes me feel less alone knowing that others can relate to my ramblings. (End note).

Starting a blog is something that I've always wanted to do. It's also something I've been afraid to do.

I always enjoyed writing. And from the moment I was literate enough to write simple sentences, I kept various journals that I would write in nearly every day. But that all came to an abrupt end in my teenage years. Around the age of 16 I was called into my mother's room and confronted in some type of strange intervention. She had read EVERYTHING. My thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, my wishes. All of it had been read and analyzed by my mother who seemed very concerned that I wasn't exactly enjoying life in a religiously abusive household.

That "intervention" and the subsequent fallout was enough to make me completely lose any interest in writing.

The privacy of one's thoughts is sacred. And I felt that had been taken from me. I felt so vulnerable. As if I had been stripped naked in public. A cornucopia of deeply personal information was now public. It may as well have been on a billboard next to the freeway.

So, until recently, I never wrote. Now, in my mid 30s, a divorced single parent, I finally feel comfortable writing again. Albeit, anonymously.

Although I may not be the best writer or have the most interesting things to say, I want to give back to the blogging community by actively participating in it.

One of my favorite things to do through my teens and early 20s was to read the blogs of complete strangers. I learned about people, I learned about myself, discovered new genres of music to listen to, learned about new websites and online games, and was able to live vicariously through others who were brave enough to share their personal lives with the world.

EDIT: If you happen to deduce my identity through the information found in these entries, please keep that discovery to yourself. This is obviously very personal and somewhat damning information.

If you happen upon this blog, read away. Just don't tell me or anyone else about it.

Thank you :)

EDIT: I forgot to mention, I write while drinking/under the influence sometimes. So if you happen to read something and say "what the fuck?", it's probably safe to assume that I'm in the process of drowning my blues away.

#journal #diary entry #religious trauma #writing #first post

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valoeaera · 7 months ago

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Truly, Madly, Deeply - Alexandria Bellefleur

Hook/Gimmick: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Pacing: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Leads: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Side Characters: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Spice: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

Overall: S Tier

Another one for the S tier. I ate this book up (I spent about 4 total hours reading it in one sitting). The beginning was definitely hard for me to read for more personal reasons, but I was able to power through and thoroughly enjoy this absolute banger (probably my favorite book I’ve read this year).

The book’s main hook is the enemies-to-lovers trope between the romance author main character, Truly, and the divorce family lawyer Colin. We only inhabit Truly’s POV for most of the book save the epilogue. Their banter and interactions through the first half of the book, when their enemies-to-lovers arc is in full-swing, are adorable, even if they hit a little too close to home for Truly at some points. These characters read well together and have obvious chemistry. Colin’s sister must only not realize they have a mutual crush due to the alcohol she has at the dinner the three share early in the book.

So much happens in this book despite it being I think pretty short compared to other romance novels on my shelf. There’s time for an enemies-to-lovers arc, a parent trap plot, scuffles with rich, uptight family members, and so many spicy scenes that had me struggling to stay composed while reading. It fits it all in and gives each plot its own time, I think. Though, I can easily see a complaint being that the fast pacing distracts from the story. I think the book takes place over only 3-ish weeks, which definitely feels a little strange during the epilogue, before it’s revealed that the wedding is actually a vow renewal for Truly’s parents.

As I mentioned earlier, I love the chemistry between the leads. Colin especially is so hot, bantering with Truly in a way that reminds me of my partner in all the right ways. Their classic romance novel fight at about 70% of the way into the book didn’t even make me feel bad because I could see how both characters got to the point that they did based on their emotional arcs throughout the middle of the novel. Colin’s desire to please and Truly’s desire to prove herself each make sense for the characters’ backstories and resolve well in the ending, gelling the leads together.

The one issue I had with the book comes from the parent trap plotline. Truly’s parents are separating during the novel and makes Truly super upset. She’s viewed her parents’ marriage on a pedestal of what the perfect relationship looks like and she’s hurt that it turns out to not be perfect. Colin gets involved as he jokingly suggests Truly should get her parents together by having them spend time together. She takes him seriously and seriously upsets her parents when they find out they were tricked. Colin, the family lawyer, tries to tell Truly that maybe her parents separating will make their love stronger after being apart. Maybe it’s because my parents separated so long ago, but I was frustrated that Truly, a woman in her late-20s couldn’t comprehend that her parents hid their relationship struggles from her. She acts in a way that really drew me out of the fiction during these parts, however, I don’t feel like a little (in my opinion) overreaction hurts the narrative.

Lastly, the spice. There’s a good lot of it in this book. 4-5 scenes depending on how you count. It’s amazing reading these two bisexual characters tease and taunt each other sexually, with a tantalizing push-and-pull in terms of who’s in charge throughout each scene. Colin really puts his whole ass into pleasing Truly and- my heart- it’s so good. Their first time together, she doesn’t even touch him, he gets off simply by pleasing her and taking his pleasure from the things he’s able to do to her and I love it so much. And I can’t stress enough that all of the scenes are this good and the characters have so much sexual chemistry. Somehow Bellefleur has bested her already-great smut writing from her breakout trilogy.

“‘You gonna use me baby? What am I, a toy to you?’…‘Maybe you are.’ She slapped at his hands. ‘And I thought I told you to shut up?’ He chuckled under his breath, hands returning to her hips, helping drag her forward. ‘Make me.’”

Anyway, great romance and better smut, the best book I’ve read this year.

#book review #romance #bisexual #enemies to lovers #parent trap #spoilers #queer nsft #smut

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imkalla · 1 year ago

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📖 Book topic.

Hi,

a few weeks ago i posted that i was finishing “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo” by Taylor Jenkins Reid.

I did it.

I finished it -although it was actually about two weeks ago on my night train ride, that i did.

I wanted to take some time to think about what the book means to me and also i was quite busy those past two weeks. Studies, uh.

So, someone wants a review? Here it goes, but just a little disclaimer that it will contain spoilers.

The story is very intriguing from the begging. We are welcome with the mystery of seven marriages of the icon actress Evelyn Hugo, who is being “interviewed” by Monique - our second narrator. They are writing a biography. Evelyn takes us on a journey to her past, telling us in details about her life - how did she became popular and what are the costs of that lifestyle.

Each of the husband has its own section in the book as the story unfolds. It makes the book more structured. Also, above each name of each man there are some adjectives describing them, which i think is a nice insight to the story.

What i also think is quite clever are the unspoken words Evelyn says while retrospecting. I caught pretty early on that Harry Cameron is a gay man. I would love to say that it was actually written all over his face, but- well, i’ve never seen him. She did hint he was part of the queer community, though she never said it - and that’s what gave it away for me. That’s also why i kind of expected the queer motive to pop up some more in the book. I wasn’t surprised when she fell in love with Celia or when she found out she was bisexual.

I think those are extremely important parts of the book. Because it shaped her, and we get to know where it came from. Also because at the beginning of the book there is a question stated: “Who was the love of Evelyn Hugo? Which husband did she loved the most? Who was the one for her?” She gladly tells us that the love of her life was no man - it was her wife. This shows us a common misconception about public figures. We might think we know them but we don’t. Every celebrity out there has their own private life we know nothing about. What’s in the paper and on all the photos is a daydream, a fairytale told to sell. It’s all just for the right publicity. She tells us exactly that we might think we know, but we don’t.

I think it’s also very interesting how she talks about her marriages and divorces. I remember that one quote she said while she was taking with Monique. It says:

“Heartbreak is loss, divorce is a piece of paper.”

I think it’s beautiful in its honesty. I loved to see her different takes on marriage and divorce. It made me reflect on my own life, where my parents are, as of exactly today, finally divorced. It made me see the fallout of love in a different perspective. The divorce is essentially a heartbreak. So simple yet it took me a lot of time contemplating to finally feel the weight of those words. It was heartbreaking on its own.

Thinking about it especially in my 20s is a weird sensation. The questions flooding: How to prevent heartbreak from happening? Can we even prevent it? How can we choose our marriages wisely enough so there is less risk of it?

Let’s take an example in Monique. A young journalist, on the verge of divorce. She has so many questions about it, so many thoughts. Talking with Evelyn eventually gives her the courage and awareness to make the right step and divorce her husband. They did not fit. It felt like a failure. But she was still young. She just had to see it. She also had to find herself, as we get to know at the end of the book, it was not an accident for the two of them to meet.

Lets finish this long “review” which is really just what i think about the book tbh.

In summary: i like it. I like how many motives it has, how it makes you rethink how you view the world just a little bit. How it comes to your mind at a random moment, pops a scene in your head then fades away slowly, but just enough, so the thought of it could linger in your mind. And i think what i love about it, but haven’t mentioned it, is how it really shows us a female character and her life. Essentially a woman, but with world expectations around her. How she was twisting and turning to survive, but found her way into this world. She made a mark, created something that will outlive her, and she lived a life, showed in this book.

If you read all the way here,

thank you,

and have a beautiful day <33

-K

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bisluthq · 5 months ago

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Do you think LOT prolonged Harry and Olivia’s relationship? I think they would’ve tried to save face for DWD’s sake either way but it’s interesting to me bc she clearly enjoyed and made the effort to be seen at his shows almost every week and the madness of everything was tied up in the tour for a while. So much of the intensity of their relationship seemed to be born out of covid restrictions limiting them to the house and her fertility causing them to speed run some decisions. I can’t picture what a tl looks for them where lot doesn’t happen so they’re at home more or jason doesn’t pick a fight with custody. It’s weird to think about now because the harry pre dwd and post dwd/olivia seem like different people to me and I can’t imagine him in that situation now. for all the genuinely traumatising scrutiny that must’ve been and I assume heartbreak over losing olivia and subsequently taylor, I think having a serious relationship that was 100x less publicised than holivia and having tour probably helped him process and made him think a lot about his choices

when I said it was a bit traumatic I didn’t even mean the public side of it lol (that too obviously and escalated the whole situation for sure), I meant like dating a woman going through what was essentially a divorce that included a very horrible custody battle that involved two kids and a really nasty ex is a WHOLE LOT for anyone but especially someone in their late 20s/early 30s imo who hasn’t had that type of experience before. Like NO ONE has fun during custody battles/divorces but at least if you’ve had your own experiences with them it’s like “okay here’s what I did” but Harry hadn’t had any experience with that beyond being a child of divorce and seeing Ann’s divorce with John and then seeing Robin really step the fuck up for Gemma and him? And I just imagine, even outside like the celebrity side of it, that that would’ve been really difficult. I’m basically his age, am a child of divorce, have seen my mum divorce twice more lol, am not in principle averse to dating someone with kids (haven’t ever but not like because it’s a rule for me) and have an older partner but ngl if my partner were going through a custody battle while with me I’d be very fucking stressed and I think pretty useless with advice and wouldn’t even be the best at the moral support side because it’s just like… quite far out of the realm of my own experience. And I do get the sense that Harry was hella overwhelmed lol and also again partly because of how much he loved/loves Robin and respected Robin, he was trying to do the right thing for Olivia and the kids but also like he’s not yk old enough per se to be in that position.

I don’t know what their whole situation would’ve been in another life where she’d left Jason in a classy fashion and had obtained a normal parenting plan and then started dating Harry. And also what it would’ve been like without LOT and all the DWD drama that was unrelated to them/this. Like that would’ve been a completely different tl and maybe it would’ve worked better because they clearly got along grand for the most part and did really love each other and if things were chill from Jason’s end like I don’t think the kids would’ve been a problem at all. I don’t think Harry would’ve tried to replace him or anything as their dad but also would’ve tried to be a good stepfather figure.

the biological clock thing would still have been an issue just because like she realistically needs to have a kid in the next few years if she wants more bio kids - she can’t really wait another 8 years or anything - but they did seem legit open to kids together idk so again without Jason drama + all the other crap then maybe it would’ve worked out. It didn’t.

and I agree the Taylor thing was healthier and probably helped him work through a few of the issues he’d built up over the past few years but clearly also didn’t work out and imo he should take it slow with the next girl and like see where things go and how they develop. Which again is why Olivia D or someone like her, who’s busy and not really in a rush to marry/have kids etc, would imo be a really good idea. He needn’t stay single but I also don’t think he should move in with someone and/or start talking rings and cradles in the next year or so lol. He should just chill for a bit.

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bluedalahorse · 7 months ago

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I’ve been thinking about the fairy deal question of would you want more YR forever but the price is no longer having fic and I don’t know if I would change my answer but I’ve thought through my answer a lot more and I want to put so many more asterisks on it.

So for me I answered from a place of like… creative ethics, I guess? YR was Lisa’s story first, and she had a beginning and end for it and wanted to write it in three seasons. It’s obvious she cherishes it, but she has other stories to tell now. The actors gave us their all for three seasons, but they’re all growing up and will be moving on to new projects and I’m excited to see what they do next. So the notion of some fae queen putting Lisa and the cast and the crew in a magical prison of having to perform for us forever just feels… not so great. I know that’s not what the question was asking but now I can’t unsee the fae nightmare scenario. Blame Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell if you must!

On the other side of creative ethics is that I feel like what we call fanfic is intrinsic to the human condition, and therefore humans should be allowed and encouraged to do fanfic. Like centuries ago someone would tell a story about Robin Hood to their kids and then eventually one of those kids would tell a story to their friend like “ok here’s my Robin/Little John/Maid Marian OT3 hurt-comfort epic” and their friend would be like “excuse me no the vibe is Robin/Sheriff of Nottingham enemies to lovers” and then they would have had a ship war about it. Lisa et al might own the legal rights to Young Royals but everything about the way they ended the series felt like they were lovingly handing it over to the fans. They trusted us to envision an infinite number of futures for the characters. And that feels worth mentioning.

And, even if Lisa wanted us to never write fanfic again, I feel like we’d still have the right to write it, and we should probably write it more actually. I had a friend growing up who was on the secret underground Vampire Chronicles mailing lists Anne Rice disapproved of. I think this is badass.

Here’s where the fae queen would try to tempt me… they’d remind me that my favorite characters aren’t always featured as heavily in fanfic, and that sometimes they’re featured in ways that don’t vibe as much with what I love about canon. That I am more likely to get the characterizations I want from Eternal Canon. And I admit, I am very likely to click backward when I see stories where August is flattened to an uncomplicated villain, Sara and Felice are solely Wilmon’s cheerleaders/flatterers, and Good Mom Linda vs Bad Mom Kristina plays out with No Nuance. Among other things! Like, yes, sure, I know there would be a great temptation for me even just to see more incredible acting from my kids Frida and Malte. I do like watching what they do with their faces and body language. You’ve got me there, fae queen…

However! I am still not ready to surrender to the fae queen and give up fanfic just yet. Because the reality is, we’re all writing fanfic to express our relationship to the text and wrestle with it a bit, and that includes me. Getting to explore August’s continued recovery, and his relationship to family and friendship with Nils, is something that mattered to me. I enjoyed figuring out the balance of writing Nils in his early 20s, and figuring out what it would be like for him to openly date boys and have a boyfriend, while still not having him be like… a gushing hopeless romantic of a person who makes Pinterest boards for his wedding? And then thinking about another story I haven’t written yet, connected to that fic linked above, where Vincent ends up being the first to get married but also the first to get divorced, and his daughter has ADHD too and he’s seeing so much of himself in her, and he confesses late at night to Nils and August that he’s worried he’ll fuck her up the same way he got fucked up by his parents. And then, in the story I’m writing now, I found an opportunity to write Linda as like a full-on human who sometimes wants things for herself independent of her kids, but also that’s really fraught for her, for reasons. Also I want to explore Sara as a grown up—sometimes strong and sometimes vulnerable—and have her break free of toxic capitalism, because she’s gotten better at her relationships to people but she’s fallen into the “work should be your life’s calling” fallacy and her bosses are taking advantage of her. I have a lot of things I want to write. And those things matter too, even if I’m not always sure who the audience for them is, and even if I wish sometimes that they were fics available for me to read that I didn’t have to write myself.

So the fairy queen can go skipping off to play with some other mortal for now. I’ve got chores to do and a heatwave to avoid anyway.

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oldfangirl81 · 9 months ago

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Anyone else thinking about their coming out story?

Teenage/early 20s me = a very good ally, heteroflexible, open minded

Mid 20s/early 30s = bisexual, what's in their pants doesn't matter to my interest

30s onward = asexual, biromantic

Did anyone else have MySpace as part of their story?

I have a friend who has always been more conservative than me. I was considered a bad influence at times during our teen years because I was a feminist. Tales for another time.

Anyway in college she got together with a guy who was all the bigotry. Anyway, at the time she wouldn't add me to her MySpace because "you have freaks for friends who might want to be my friend". I was hurt but went home trying to figure out what she meant. (I'm lousy at confrontation in person).

The only common thing I could see on the ones she didn't already know was they were queer and I had bisexual listed as my sexuality. I'd know her over ten years at that point. I stayed up all night crying.

Dad saw me in the morning and asked what was wrong.

"Jane isn't accepting that I'm bisexual and friends with gay people online."

"You're bisexual?"

"...I thought you knew?"

"I did." Mom piped up. "The Angelina Jolie crush made it obvious."

"Oh. Well I don't care who you date as long as they're Jewish." (It was a long running joke because Mom converted but he later made sure I knew he wouldn't care as long as I was happy).

So for a couple years I had very limited contact with Jane. We'd meet up and part of the conversation was always the same.

"Are you still doing that bisexual thing?"

"Uh, yeah."

"And your parents are still okay with it?"

"Yup. Mom bought me a cherry chapstick recently in her odd supportive way."

Eventually the relationship with the bigot ended badly for Jane. During her divorce recovery she got close to a bunch of drag queens and other LGBTQ folk.

I didn't know any of that at the time. Imagine my surprise after years apart we meet up. I expected the same frustrating questions. Instead my friend is using terms like "top/bottom" correctly with no judgement.

I've been lucky in my coming out experiences. But then I also never told my paternal grandparents about it. I doubt they would have been happy. But that is also a whole other drama tale.

Anyway, yay for Evan Buckley going on his first queer date in his 30s.

#coming out #bisexual #biromantic #ramblings #911 s7 spoilers

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astroyongie · 1 year ago

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I kinda had a similar situation with my father, but my parents got divorced when I was 20. My father still bothers me a great deal, even if he has another family now, but I have learnt to not care and move forward. I found a job at 20, paid for mental treatment by myself to escape depression and etc. I, too, was upset that I had to grow up so fast and support my mom and grandma financially, but no struggle lasts forever. Now, I am financially stable enough to afford to be a child again. ❤️ I would like to encourage everyone with similar issues to go with the flow, focus on themselves and their career, focus on hobbies and friends... It's never too early to grow up and never too late to be a child ✨️✨️ Who sais we can't have fun in disneyland, go to clubs or travel the world with friends in 30s or 40s? 🥰🥰🥰 please cheer up. 🦋🦋🌟

THIS !!!!

THIS IS IMPORTANT!!!!!!!

I want to say how proud I am of you for being able to fight through it all ! And as you said, each person is different and we will grow different. It’s our choice to learn to accept how we want to proceed with it. It’s never late for nothing. Just enjoy life and remember that each storm has an end ❤️❤️

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yukinotrinko · 2 years ago

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Yesterday I met a childhood friend for the first time in a long time and we went to a concert together.

When we were young, it was rare to find half-Americans in a small town outside of Tokyo, even if it was Tokyo, and it was also rare to find divorced parents at a young age in New Town, a new town created by urban development (where stable people moved to) where we grew up. His personality was distorted by these two factors and he became a delinquent. It is not violence, but theft, etc.

After he began to misbehave, we gradually stopped seeing each other every day, and before long I was one of the group gossiping about his misdeeds. I feel that that exclusive play, which is peculiar to a small town with little entertainment, was trying to exclude him from here altogether. Little did I realize that while I was part of that group, he was growing a little bit as a person.

We didn't see each other at all for the next seven years, until one day I passed him at a train station and he suddenly called out to me. How are you? I felt guilty at first, but we continued to talk until morning, as if to fill in the blanks of time and our feelings for each other.

Since we were both night owls, we would meet almost every night and talk nonsense and philosophy. He became a Christian and would sometimes share with me the teachings of Jesus.

Around the same time I was invited to a reunion of the school where we grew up, and I invited him because I thought it would be a good opportunity for him. I only told my friend who invited me, but my lack of thoughtfulness caused him to have a miserable time at the reunion.

Other friends gathered at the reunion continued to avoid him throughout the time it was held. The few people who approached him also made fun of him for his bad behavior back then. They didn't believe that he had changed since then, and they continued to criticize him for the man they saw in front of them. Looking back, I think that is when I began to question such social pressure. I think it was probably when I was 19 or 20 years old.

He started his Christian faith, but he has been tortured by self-doubt ever since that time and still is. He is very creative and supportive, and it seems like there is a lot of work he could do if he jumped into the creative industry, but he has been unable to do so because of the intense trauma he has experienced in a somewhat open society. So he continues to work in physically demanding professions such as civil engineering.

If the environment in which we grow up has so many different effects on our personality shaping at an early age, I feel it would be very cruel to end this story with only him being at fault for doing it. We cannot ignore the feelings of those who were harmed and emotionally damaged by his stealing, and I am not at all trying to justify the evil he did because he was a friend. But I feel coldly about a society where there is no help for anyone. I wonder if I feel this way because I grew up in Japan. Of course opinions change depending on the case, but what do you all think about this?

Anyway, yesterday after the concert we went to my favorite bar and while we were having drinks I kept thinking about this. It was a great night. I was a little drunk from drinking alcohol, which I can't drink, and he kept smiling at me. We talked about the anxieties and joys of life and the music we like. It was a music bar, and as I finished my gin and tonic, this song came on, and it seemed to speak for us,

https://youtu.be/In7enKVo2xo

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thepennedcommandments · 2 years ago

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My Mentally Ill Husband

My beautiful, kind, very sick husband was admitted to the psychiatric ward for the first time in October 2019. He was only 30. It has become harder to remember that just a few short years ago he was ok. Of course, looking back there were signs. There are always signs, though to my credit his were subtle.

So this is my story so far. My side of it, and I’ll warn you, it’s ugly. To anyone in the thick of it, fighting with all of your strength, I would encourage you to hang on to that little light that shines every so often at the end of the very dark tunnel.

I can’t pinpoint when I started noticing how withdrawn he’d become. Our nightly ritual since having children was to crawl on the couch together, exhausted, after the kids went to bed and watch a movie. I never had to lift a finger; he brought my delicious bowl of Chunky Monkey ice cream and snuggled in. Only to find me snoring 20 minutes later. But he never cared. He’s scratch my arm or rub my head and had not complained once.

Those nights became fewer and fewer and eventually I was left all alone every night. His retreat was our garage. He blared country music, singing in perfect harmony. He learned new songs on his guitar. He became interested in astrology and birth charts. I was kind of excited for him, he seemed to have a whole new look on life. His energy levels were next level and his creativity was incredible. The next venture was getting into shape and eating healthy. In fact, he and I both went vegetarian for a whole year. We both hadn’t looked this well since our early twenties. His energy and motivation was, to me, inspired.

But he stopped wanting to do these new things with me. He became frustrated when I told him I missed him. He was obsessively studying zodiac signs and didn’t sit down for dinner with us. He barely glanced at our children. He started riding his bike every night around midnight for miles and miles. He stopped sleeping. He turned mean. His words were a torch and they seared my soul. When I asked why I was catching the worst of his moods, his response was because I made him this way. He claimed years of mistreatment and coldness from me. I was stunned. I didn’t remember our life like this and my heart ached that I had created this version of my husband. I completely internalized his words and became depressed. I had hurt him. I had treated him so badly that he wasn’t the same person anymore. He told me he didn’t want to hang out with me, that my family thought I was clinically crazy, and that I had no friends. And for a little while, I believed him. I was ashamed of myself. I was determined to take full responsibility and try to right all that I had wronged.

But no matter how hard I tried, it got worse. I became frustrated. We yelled at each other. A lot. He got so mad at me one afternoon on the beach that he left me there, alone. I was calling a cab to pick me up when he showed back up. Our fights were volatile. I disliked him so much that it was difficult to consider any love I had for him. I moved out of our bedroom. I told him I wanted a divorce but have regretted those words since the moment they left my mouth. The children and I settled into our new normal, just the three of us and Daddy in the garage. I stopped speaking to him much, he preferred it. I didn’t know how I was going to continue but I was embarrassed to tell anyone what my life was really like. I didn’t want to move back in with parents. But sometimes I longed for the familiarity and warmth of my childhood bedroom. To crawl into my mama’s arms so she could lie to me and say it was all going to be ok.

I held my breathe every time he walked in the door. Mornings were the worst. He would wake up in an absolute rage. He threw things, he screamed, he was cruel. My children witnessed me lock myself in a bathroom while he kicked a hole through the door. I’ll never get over doing that to them. He told me I was a bad mother and that I was lazy. I believed him. I tried harder. Proving my worth to all of my boys. Desperate for their forgiveness and wanting to be worthy.

I had no idea the scariest part was still to come. He became fanatical about religion. Another afternoon on the beach, he played a melody that was supposed to be what the Bible sounds like musically. He told me to watch all the birds when he played the song; that they would “stand at attention and pay respects to their maker.” I never saw a bird stand at attention, let alone do more than search for food around unsuspecting tourists. He became furious and told me he wasn’t surprised I couldn’t see it. Like there was something wrong with me. He told me because of all the good work he’s done recently, a love offering from a mega-church was being gifted to us. This delusion was only the first of many.

Then came the whispering. He said, with 100% certainty, that he was being followed. He was being watched and listened to. He tore the GPS system out of his company truck and threw his cell phone out of his window while driving down the road. He said the family wasn’t safe and that we need to get out of here, move somewhere else. He was convinced our entire home was bugged and would only talk to me in a low whisper, in the bathroom, with the fan on to avoid our conversations being overheard.

It’s important to note that prior to the withdrawal and delusions, he was perfectly ok. The most sane and level headed person I knew. A gentle giant. So when he began his obsession with being followed, I tried to make it make sense. I wondered what secret life he had been living that put his family in danger and had people spying on us. Maybe three days into trying to rationalize it, I knew with certainty that my husband was very, very mentally ill. I was not equipped to handle this on my own.

Thankfully, his fear of whoever these people were crippled him enough that he was desperate for help and surrendered. I drove him to a behavioral health unit, held his hand, and pleaded for someone in that facility to help me; to help him. It wasn’t hard to decide if he was a candidate for inpatient treatment, he was so very sick. I remember the doctor asking me if there had been any recent money mismanagement or large purchases. I didn’t handle the finances but to my knowledge, no. Boy, I was wrong. I decided to go home and start calling around to make sure our bills were paid. They were all months behind, I don’t even know how we still had running water. And there was no money in his account. Another punch to the stomach.

I showed up to visitation every chance they opened the doors to me and waited impatiently by the phone on days where there was no visitation. In my ignorance regarding mental illness, I assumed a day or two in there and I’d be able to see a change. He would yell at me, get very agitated, and shattered my heart for the entire week he was in there. On visitation days he would blow up and leave me sitting in the visitors room alone with other patients and their visitors. It wasn’t like I could get up and go home when that would happen. As guests, we went in to visit as a group and left as a group. I was left sitting alone, holding back tears, my heart ripping at the seams. But I showed up early and I would have stayed late every single time. I’d leave each visit feeling heavy and would sob in my car before having to continue on with life.

I felt used and betrayed, which isn’t fair to my husband. He had no idea how all of this was impacting me and the children and I didn’t want him to know. I wanted him to get better and come back to me. Still naive, I was cautiously excited for him to be getting out. I had this ridiculous fantasy that he would get out of the psych ward cured and life would resume normally. I was wrong, again. He was still distant, he still didn’t like me, and he was still sick. It would take months of medication combinations to get him stable enough for me to see there may still be a life left to have with him.

The years after have been just as hard and unpredictable. I noticed a few months ago he was slipping. Not able to distinguish reality and fantasy. “They” were after him again and he was afraid. I sat in denial but knew deep down we were headed towards hospitalization again. And then it happened, the tipping point. I drove him back to the hospital, desperate for them to take over. To relieve me. He’s 3 days in as I write this. I’ve talked to him a few times but he isn’t making sense, gets angry, hangs up on me. I have no idea when I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel again. Surely not for a while.

I miss him. I miss him so much it makes me sick. The man I married is never coming back to me. I will never fully heal from that. It’s so gut wrenchingly painful that it actually feels like a death. I have mourned my husband, the life we had, but mostly the life we would have made. I have no idea what the future holds or how many more hospital stays he will endure. We will endure. How many more med combos we will go through. How many bad days we we will go through to maybe get two good ones. But I know I’m not ready to give up. I’m not throwing in towel. And I won’t stop fighting with him. I’m slowly accepting what will be instead of what was. And I’m sad, I'm worried, I’m anxious But I’ve never stopped loving him and I don’t think I ever will. For better and for worse, in sickness and in health.

#mental illness #mentalheathawareness #schizoaffective #my story #family #marriage #i love you #words #life is hard #trauma #psychosis #mentally unwell

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