driftingandlostwords

[driftingandlostwords]

>>> adding to this at the end of april because i just have drafts left all over the place <<<

early january (the weekend following me breaking up with him) he told me that that he had told his parents that we had broken up over dinner on a sunday. and i was upset because we had originally agreed to tell them together since i was close to them. but he told me that he had just gone ahead and done it himself. i was too tired at the time to fight it and just decided to follow up with his parents on my own once they were back from vietnam. around mid janurary before his parents left for vietnam, his mom called me and it turns out his parents didnt know that we had broken up. he lied to me abt telling his parents that we broke up. i think it was a way of trying to control me or isolate me from support or help. i think it was his way of trying to get back at me for standing up for myself. maybe he was projecting because he realized how much he had fucked up. in the phone call that i had with his mom and the follow up one before his parents left for vietnam, i asked if she believed me and she said that she did. before they left for the trip, his mom and dad told me that they believed me and that i needed to stay strong.

i cant remember exactly when i told nic and ed about everything but im fairly sure i told them everything at some point in janurary. i told nic first over dinner and then i told ed at my apartment when he came over to pick something up. nic was in disbelief and asked me if i had done anything to cause it/if there was anyone involved on my side which was hurtful to hear. i think at the time i made the excuse that nic tends to ask things in an untactful way but now thinking abt it idk anymore. when i told ed everything he was shocked too and very disappointed in kevin. we had talked abt how kevin wasnt a very good friend who was always pretty self-centered in wanting to only do what he wants to do. ed talked abt how he felt like kevin only reached out when he wanted something specific (ie wanting to play a specific game even if it meant they would drop it soon, only staying in contact with ed and nic because he wanted to party a bunch but then stopped reaching out when his party phase was over, etc). later in january, ed found out from his roommate that kevin had brought jordan over to his place when he was staying at his apartment. its just so many levels of fucked up and disrespectful. he had told me before going to ed's place that he thought this break was going to be really good for us and then he brings the girl he cheated on me with over to his close friends place (after being told not to have people over) to cheat on me again. the disrespect and disregard are just wild.

week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

[driftingandlostwords]

week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

[driftingandlostwords]

>>> from january 7th, not sure what day this is in reference to - posting now to clear out drafts, never been one to leave things unsaid <<< saturday morning i woke up and he wasn't home so i was confused. he came home around 11 or 12 and said that he had stayed at sheyla's place.

i was laying in bed and after he changed, he laid on his side of the bed next to me. he made a comment about "last night went well if you care" and i got pretty upset at that. he knows that regardless of what happens im his number 1 fan at the end of the day so for him to say something like that is just unnecessary and rude. i asked him what he meant by that and he just said idk if you care and it just makes me so angry because he knows i do and if he thinks i don't, then he's just stupid. don't be childish and rude.

[driftingandlostwords]

here i am another month and a half later but i guess ill try committing to this now - ive a had a lot of time to process and there's been a lot of new developments in life

[driftingandlostwords]

wow i suck at committing to even a week by week recap because its nearly a month and a half later and im not even done with week one

things have just been so much lately ugh

[driftingandlostwords]

i guess we could do a week by week recap on things that happened so its not just one giant mega post

[driftingandlostwords]

jesus i havent written on here in so long, i just couldn't bring myself to write everything out bc honestly its so tiring writing it out bc its like reliving it all in way

[driftingandlostwords]

he spent last night at sheyla's place and honestly the first thing that came to my mind when he said he stayed at shelya's place was "did you really" and then the second thought was "was jordan there" and that is such a toxic mental state for me to be in. while there is the voice in my head that wants to say that this is a mistake and that i should backtrack, its really bad that those are the first two things that run through my head when he says something.

[driftingandlostwords]

its hard to look past certain things that have happened. when i think about it, i want to waver and there's a little voice in the back of my head saying to take it back. deep down i want this to work because i do love him a lot but its just so hard for me to look past all of the things that happened with jordan. i don't fully trust him when he says he with XYZ person and my initial instinct is to doubt or question him when he says something. that just isn't a healthy dynamic. and i think with a lot of the stuff he has said its just stuck in my head like a broken record. things like saying that we're better off as friends (even thought when we broke up he said he didn't think that) or saying that he hasn't had a romantic attraction to me in over a year. or saying he wouldn't care or wouldn't ask what i was doing if i was gone for a week. or saying "that's why i don't tell you things" when i tried to ask about his houston trip out of curiosity and he said i was only asking to keep tabs on him. it just hurts because he was essentially saying that he wasn't nterested or invested in my life or my time. there's a little voice in my head saying those are things you can work on but i just don't think its fair to myself at the same time. i want this to work so badly but ive definitely have been giving away so much and compromising so much. i feel like i cant keep giving away more without losing some aspect of myself especially when there's so much more he needs to change and work on for himself.

[driftingandlostwords]

one thing that got stuck in my head constantly was our conversations on friday. he told me on friday that he was going to be in houston for three days and i was surprised at that because he was just going for a concert. when i asked about it he got upset and started talking about how this is why he doesn't tell me anything. that i ask questions not because im interested but because im trying to keep tabs on him. he went on to say that he didn't ask anything about LAN. and that he wouldn't care if i left the apartment for a whole week. that he wouldn't ask any questions and that he wouldn't say anything because he trusts me and knows that i would be safe. but its not a matter of trust and safety. its a matter of being interested in what each other are doing. like wouldn't you want to know what your partner is doing? like wouldn't you want to be invested in their time and hobbies?

later that night when he came back to see me packing for atlanta, he asked me a bunch of questions abt what i was doing, why i was going, who i was going with, when i was leaving and when i was coming back. like why are you asking all of these questions if you "don't care if im gone" - either you are being hypocritical or you are just lying about saying you don't care. regardless that was an awful thing to say. whats the point of a relationship if you never know whats going on in each others life. after asking all those questions, he apologized to me about everything that he's been doing. he acknowledged how unfair things are to me and that he's trying his best. every time he has said sincere things like this to me, its after he's drank a bunch and reeks of alcohol. he tells me he's sober and he better be sober bc he drove home but it just doesn't feel fully genuine/sincere if he will only say these things after drinking a shit ton. specifically with this situation, it also felt like he said all those things bc he realized that i was leaving without telling him anything. that i made a big decision by myself without letting him know. throughout our entire relationship, he has never had to ask me for information about what im doing. ive always told him my plans or what is going on. so it sort of feels like he saw me making a trip by myself and without telling him and he felt the need to say all those things in response. like that doesn't feel genuine or sincere either if its being said in response to something. i don't know if that's exactly the case of what happened there but many other ppl have pointed it out and have noticed myself too.

[driftingandlostwords]

he said something along the lines of he didnt realize how much wanted me/didnt know what he had until he lost me and i just feel no sympathy for that. i have given up so many pieces of myself to make this work. ive sacrificed so much to try to make this work. every effort and leniency ive given has been disrespected and taken advantage of. ive given him so so so many chances and if he couldn't figure it out then that's on him. ive told him repeatedly that he just cant have everything and if this is what it takes for him to realize that then its just what it is

[driftingandlostwords]

one of the things we talked about was how he wasn't invested in my time/activities and he tried to bring up the fact that we're just so different and its just frustrating trying to get the point across to him. there are things that we similarly like and it doesn't matter that we have some differences in shows or videos. like it is okay to have those differences. the issue lies in that i put effort into watching what he wants bc i know he likes those videos or shows but when i ask to watch what i want, i get turned down. i had to beg him to watch run bts with me and it didn't even happen. it wasn't like i was trying to watch five episodes every sitting. i was just trying to watch a 30 minute show once a week. like why can you cant even agree to spare 30 minutes of your week to do something i would like and something you don't even hate, just something that you're not as interested in. when ill sit there an watch animes i don't particularly like with you. and when i ask to watch an episode of an anime i like, you say you don't feel like watching it. or you tell me that we'll watch it later when you know we wont.

[driftingandlostwords]

picking myself

i broke up with him today. its been something ive been thinking about since coming back to atlanta. that trip reminded me that i can be happy by myself and that i don't have be in relationship to be happy and that i shouldn't feel stuck somewhere out of fear of being alone. i gave it some time to figure out if that is what i actually wanted and it wasn't just the aftermath of a sudden and impulsive trip but i came back on sunday and feel the same now that its thursday.

it started off calm where we talked about it but then it started escalating into shouting and arguing. he said something along the lines of i go on two trips and then all of a sudden im over it. he said that if been talking to all my friends and we've been shitting on him and trashing him when he's hasn't said one bad thing about me. well what bad thing is there to say about me. ive been doing my best and have been trying so hard to work with him. and yes im talking to my friends but im doing it in what i would consider a productive manner where im trying to figure out what i want and what im okay with. and even through all the wrong he's done i still find places to defend him for what he's tried to do right. so yea my friends arent going to like you because you've done be so wrong so many times and that's just on you. but don't say that ive made my decision because of what they say. i make my own decision on what i want and what im okay with. its just nice to talk to people and hear their opinions and perspectives.

he said that i shouldn't have given false hope and that if this is how i felt i should've ended things last monday when we had talked about trying to make it work again. but that's not what this is. i didn't want to break up last week monday and i didn't want things to end then. i really thought then that i could come to terms with what he had done and that we could work towards things being better. i really did believe that last week but the more and more that ive thought about things, the more ive realized that those are things that i just cant forgive. those are things that will and have permanently changed the foundation of our relationship. i don't trust him in the same way that i have previously and i don't think these are things that i can get over and accept. at least right now these are things that i cant forgive or accept. he tried to say that i haven't given him time to work through things but we've been on a break for three or four weeks now. we've been fighting bad for nearly two months now. and its been just under two weeks since we last talked about trying things again (last week monday) like that may not be enough time for you but things are not solely on your timeline. i am a person too and i have timelines and limits that i am okay and not okay with. three weeks has been lots of time and i cant let it drag on and on. if three weeks has not been enough time because you're busy and stressed with other things, then it just goes to show that this relationship is not important enough to you to figure out/prioritize over other things in your life. like these three weeks have largely been you going out and drinking away your worries and then choosing dance to stress about over trying to figure out our relationship.

before things got crazy, i told him how it feels like we're pretending to be okay and that it feels like he's picking and choosing what is normal and when things are normal. he told me that he feels so much guilt when he sees me and that he misses kissing me and doing things together. but that's just not how you address things. i asked before is this just more space into figuring out what he wants to do or this space into getting back to normal into making a decision on if its gonna work. because those are two distinct situations and i was okay with the latter and not the former. like im just over here wondering wtf is going on because this is not the space that we agreed on and i have no idea what is okay and what isn't. that is unfair to me.

we got into a shouting match about all the jordan things and how i don't understand how he feels guilty about things and yet is okay with talking to her behind my back and going to the movies with her on christmas day and lying to me about who he's going with - knowing full well that what he was doing was wrong. like how does it feel so guilty if these were conscious decisions that he kept making. he started flirting with her knowing that it was wrong. she posted all those things on her finsta about stuff they "did" but he says that none of that happened but what am i supposed to believe. she left her pants in my bed underneath my comforter. she admitted to trying to homewreck our relationship. and you cut her off but then started talking to her again. you didn't tell me that you started talking to her again. you tell me that you arent when i bring it up. and then you lie to me about who you are going to the movies with and i figure it out through someone else's Instagram story that you lied. you admitted to me that you knew that it was wrong and against what we had agreed upon. you admitted to me that you knew that i wouldn't like it which is why you lied. you even turned off your location when you did it to hide it. idc if you said that you turned it off earlier in the week idk if that's true or not but that lining up is strange. you repeatedly hurt me over and over again knowing that i was giving you space for the intention of fixing things. and if you felt guilty when you were doing those things it obviously wasn't enough to make you stop because to continued to talk to her and lie to me every time. and if it wasn't enough then, i don't understand how you feel so guilty now about things now. it doesn't matter that you don't actually like her and that you just liked the attention that she gave you. you shouldn't be seeking attention from other people when im here literally begging you to work with me to fix things.

he said that he didnt want to hear any of that because we've hashed it out so much and that he already knows that he's wrong and that he feels guilty about it and he doesn't need to hear it anymore. and i got really angry so i said that i had to talk about it and he got up and started yelling about how if this is my decision then i need to leave. he broke his headband and threw it down the hallway. he took everything off our fridge and threw it all away. he punched the front door and a wall. he walked into our bedroom and tired to throw away my collage corkboard. he tried to kick me out saying that i needed to go somewhere else and that i can figure it out. i told him i literally do not have anywhere else to go. i said that i wanted to talk about living arrangements and he said that i cant be here holding him hostage and that i need to get out because this is my decision. i was screaming that this is my home just as much as it is home so we have to figure something out here. i told him im not trying to hold him hostage and that he has no right to kick me out just as i have no right to kick him out. he said that this is my decision to go so if im staying i cant use his tv, i cant use his computer, i cant use the couch because its all his. and that if i was going to stay i had to pay for all of it. i told him that he was being ridiculous and i said that we have to figure something out whether that be figure out how to live together or one of us moves out. i told him that he damn well knows that i don't have anywhere else to go and he said it doesn't matter that i have to get out before he breaks everything in this apartment. he told me then that he was leaving and i was like i cant afford this place myself nor can he afford this place himself either so none of this is productive to figuring it out. he tried to say that he would get his dad to pay for it but i doubt his dad would pay for it if i told him exactly everything that's happened. we were just shouting at each other at that point. him yelling at me to leave and get out and that he was going to break everything and me yelling for him to just fucking stop and listen because im trying to talk to him.

he finally calmed down after i kept trying to reason with him that none of this is going anywhere and he sat down in the closet and just sobbed. i wanted to feel bad about it and while i felt bad that this is the end of what was a really great relationship, i just didn't feel any sympathy for him crying because those were things that he chose to do. he knew that those things were wrong and that they would hurt me and he chose to do them anyways. im coming to terms that those are things that i cant forgive or accept and i cant feel bad for that.

he started telling me that he started talking to a therapist and has had three sessions. he told me that he is thinking about cutting back on dance and quitting the secret team and just sticking with the regular team. he said that he thought about cutting back on the gym on tuesdays and thursdays so that he could spend more time with me. and its just like why am i just now hearing about all of this. like why does it take me getting to this point for you to talk to me about these things. we agreed that you needed to talk to a therapist and that you would tell me when you did and you didn't tell me. i haven't heard anything about cutting back on hobbies and an update on your plans on going back to school until now. and the last time we talked about trying things again was last week Monday. its been just under two weeks and i haven't heard any of this until now. and at this point, the excuse of im busy and stressed and haven't had the chance to say it just isn't working for me anymore. because if you really want things to work, these are things you should be telling me. maybe not abt the cutting back on hobbies part if its up in the air but definitely that you're three sessions in with a therapist. you've had the time to talk to me about your day and ask me about work. you've had time to just mention it in passing. you wanted to even play video games with me the other day but your computer was broken. you could've mentioned it then but you didn't. i just don't understand how none of that was worth mentioning to me if these are literally things that would be saving our relationship or at least turning it in the right direction. the refusal or unwillingness to communicate is just something that i cannot handle any longer. don't wanna talk to me? sure go ahead. don't want to talk to me about really important and game-changing developments? then what's the point of this break and what are we doing if you discover things and just don't say it. i am in the dark if we don't talk - whether or not you like that conclusion that is what it is. you cant be making these huge steps and just not at least mention it to me. because if you don't tell me i just continue to be in the dark and that's how i got to where i am. i saw no progress in the three weeks of break we took. sure the first week was not a good living situation. the second week was constant silence. the third week was this weird pretend we are semi-okay situation because you felt guilty. none of that was progress to me. you were asking me to wait even longer too because the original plan was to wait for your parents to go to vietnam mid-way through janurary and then you would spend the month at their house. that is just far too long and if that wasn't the plan any longer then you should've told me. i asked if you planned on staying at your parents house once they leave and all you could give me was an "i don't know" and then today when i bring it up again saying i have no idea how long this is going to take/where its going you tell me that you didn't plan on going to your parents house anymore because you wanted to be here. like why didn't you mention this to me so we could figure out what that meant for us because that would've been a big game-changer too. like its just all too late. ive come to terms with the idea that im not okay with what you did to me and now you break out all the progress that you've made. i don't know if it would've changed my mind about these things being unforgivable but at least it would've been more to work with for us. it would've been something and something or anything would've been more than what has currently been happening.

at the end of the day, i want what is best for me and i want what is best for him. i think that this break up is necessary for both of us. if that means that we can consider something down the line then it would require lots of change on his part and me to figure out if what he did is something i can forgive. its not something we promised to but its something that is there. i don't know if i can forgive those things but maybe time will change my mind on that.

[driftingandlostwords]

i think the atlanta trip was really eye-opening to what makes me happy. i think I've been really scared of doing things by myself for a long time now so it was a big change of pace for me. i think i definitely still need time to process things and make sure im not just coming off of the trip/rave high. but right now it does feel more okay to do things by myself and honestly the idea of kevin being involved isn't something i really want as of right now because it feels like we're pretending to be normal. either we talk abt it and try to be normal and work on that together or we just take the space that has been established and agreed upon. this weird in between is draining and stressful.

like i think i would rather him go stay at his parents house so that he can sort out what he wants and we don't have to do this pretend to be normal thing. if he would just talk to me about what he wants to do it would be so much easier. like if he wants us to try to be normal then just say it. if we are supposed to be doing this whole break, i don't think i can wait that long. we're looking at a month and a half and that is so long when we've already been on a break for two weeks or so. i don't think want him to come to eden either since it just seems like im forcing him to go. i want him to be excited himself to go but it doesn't really seem like he would be.

[driftingandlostwords]

the atlanta trip was a lot of fun and it was a really good escape for me since i was stuck home for so long. dab the (sky for new years eve of all things) was a bucket list item i never thought i would be able to cross off. landing in Atlanta honestly felt like a fever dream since everything was booked and bought so fast. it was surreal that i was in Atlanta and raving with friends for new years. im really happy that i went and i really do think i needed that trip as rushed and last minute as it was

thinking about going to LAN by myself and Atlanta by myself was crazy because those were 1) honestly things i never thought i would do in the first place and 2) things i never thought i would do alone as well. I've never liked the idea of traveling by myself or going to concerts/festivals by myself but i did it for these two events and im proud of myself for it. it felt very freeing to go on my own and for myself and just do my own thing.

honestly thinking abt it, the idea of going with Kevin to either LAN or Atlanta sounds like i would have had less fun. granted that is a biased opinion because of the state of our relationship. we've been constantly fighting and going back and forth on whether or not we are breaking up so that would make sense that him going would've been complicated and would've changed the tone of the trip. but im trying to separate the state of the relationship from the situation. im trying to discern if him going (as if our relationship was normal) would've been just as fun or less fun. and i feel like im thinking it would've been less fun. maybe its because the people that are going are my friends and not his friends and if he had gone i would've been working as a mediator/bridge between the two sides. its honestly sorta what happened at north coast which wasn't an issue to me then. however, thinking about it in the context of LAN/atlanta it would've been less fun for me i think. i feel like he doesn't enjoy hanging out with my friends which makes me sad because i would like him to be friends with my friends. he doesn't have to actively seek out hanging out with them but at least be friendly and open rather than just quiet and put to the side. i think at north coast there were times were he was talking to them but i feel like a lot of it was just him being quiet and to himself which isn't like him at all. he's usually the person to talk to anyone around him at a rave or even join in with a bunch of strangers but for whatever reason its different when it comes to my friends. the fact that he doesn't have me meet his friends or is hesitant at me meeting his friends has always been weird to me. like it took forever for me to meet his college friends and i still haven't met any of his new dance friends and i can see him actively maintaining that separation. im not asking to be buddy buddy with them but it is strange that these are people you are super close to that you don't want me meeting or knowing. he's always said that it would be weird for me to hang out with them or that i wouldn't like them but i cant help think now that its a lot of excuses.

[driftingandlostwords]

if you had asked me a week or two ago about what i want from this relationship, i would've told you that i wanted this relationship to work super badly. that its all that i wanted and hoped for. but now im not so sure. im frustrated by the lack of clarity and the weird limbo that we are in. i don't like acting as if things are normal when they certainly arent. and if you want things to go back to normal/for us to work on being normal again, then at least explain that that's what you want. i cant read minds and its unfair to me to pretend or follow what you want normal and what you don't want normal.

[driftingandlostwords]

i asked him this morning if he wanted to go to eden on the 21st and he said that he would be back in dallas that morning but doesn't know if he wants to go to eden or not. im thinking that he doesn't want to go or wont go since he was never really excited to go in the first place. i bought the ticket for him so i need to figure out if i need to sell it or not and im not waiting until last minute to figure that one out bc that's unfair to me.

i asked him if he was going to his parent's house once they leave for vietnam and he said he doesn't know and that he'll see but wasn't the original plan to go stay with them? and this entire time wasn't that a for sure thing? like i remember us talking about how he needs it for himself but now he is saying that he isn't sure. i just want it to make sense but if i ask about it or ask to talk about things then we just argue and fight. i know that moving over there isn't going to be easy because all his stuff is at our apartment but if it needs to be done for this relationship to work then he needs to do it.

ill give you the space and time that i feel comfortable with giving but this limbo of acting like our relationship is normal when it isn't is not helping the situation. i feel like im walking around on eggshells constantly since i don't know how to read the situation.