#my mum is genuinely mentally 4 at best

[notoneopinion]

10 Ways I Soothe Anxiety

Hello. I have anxiety.

I have anxiety, but I have also managed to somehow keep a pretty good life for myself through it all. Getting out of bed when you have a paralysing fear of the world is not an easy task, but there are a few things I have found that make it that little bit easier, life that little bit smoother. And because we certainly don't gatekeep here, I thought I'd share the ten main ways I soothe anxiety. Basically, ten things I do to switch off and remove myself from my brain.

1. Turn your phone off.

An obvious one, but probably one of the most important. It's insane how clogged a person's brain will get when they spend their day glued to a phone screen. For me, it's not even just social media that sets me off, though that is a massive trigger for me and many other people; it's the phone in general. I could be playing Angry Birds for twenty-four hours and still finish the day feeling gross and anxious and guilty. The screen itself just makes me feel groggy, which in turn leaves me feeling anxious by the time I'm getting into bed that night. There are some days I will wake up, and just turn my phone off completely - usually days when I know I'm going to be at home all day, but still. That extended break from screen time is a life saver.

2. Fidget toys.

Okay, so I may also have autism.

But!!!! Fidget toys are miracle workers for all kinds of mental illnesses and uncomfortable feelings, so don't think you can't invest in some just because you're not on the spectrum. Fidget toys are literally made to soothe anxiety, so get yourself some!! I have one called a Tangle that I keep on me at all times, and I just mess with it in my pocket when I'm in a social situation and I don't know what to do with my hands, or I start feeling a little overwhelmed. It brings my fight or flight right down. I don't know the science behind it, but I honestly don't even care. Give me fidget toys, or give me death.

3. Model making, eg Legos, 3D puzzles.

Legos and 3D puzzles are another thing that has changed the game for me when it comes to anxiety. Like fidget toys, they are the perfect way to keep your hands busy, but they have the added bonus of keeping your mind busy, too. These are, of course, more of a relaxation technique, something you come home to after a stressful day rather than something to eliminate anxiety on the spot, but we'll take what we can get. These also keep you relaxed and distracted for hours, because there is hours worth of work to be put into them. Plus, they're very addictive - once you start on a Lego set, or a puzzle, you don't want to stop until it's finished. I've sat for eleven hours straight doing a Lego set just because I wanted to see the finished product as soon as possible, and during those eleven hours, my anxiety was non-existent. I was just enjoying myself the entire time.

4. Have a nap.

Very self explanatory, and yet controversial???

But genuinely, just go to sleep??? If you're having a gruesome day, and your mind is bullying you, and you're exhausted, just lay down and go to sleep. Fuck what other people say. There is nothing wrong with clocking out from the horrors of the real world for a few hours. As long as you get back up, all refreshed and ready to tackle another day, who cares??

5. Talk to a loved one.

I am very blessed that I can put this on the list. I know this can be a very difficult coping mechanism for a lot of people - trust me, I know. Growing up, my anxiety was my own, and not once did it ever occur to me to share that problem with anyone else. However, after meeting the right people, and understanding that nobody is going to be annoyed about hearing my problems, talking to people became one of the best and most useful coping mechanisms I've got. It can be as simple as sending your best friend a text telling them how you're feeling, or you can go all out and sit your Mum down with a cup of tea and bawl your eyes out. Getting those feelings out will give you a physical relief as well as a mental relief; the weight you've been carrying, a weight you probably don't even notice any more, will be gone in a matter of minutes. I promise you.

6. Exercise.

I know. I was shocked too. All those scientists that told us exercise and moving your body is good for your mental health were right. Bastards.

Just go on a walk. That's what I mean when I say 'exercise.' If you want to go to the gym and lift weights, or run a marathon, you go right ahead. More power to you. But by 'exercise' I just mean. . . move your body. Take the dog on a walk! Walk to the shop instead of driving! Get a bike! The tiniest bit of movement in a day can do wonders, whether we want to admit it or not.

7. Blast happy, sing-in-the-car music.

There's a playlist of Spotify that I highly recommend when it comes to wanting to escape reality and just have a good time. It's literally called Songs to Sing in the Car, and it's one of those playlists Spotify make themselves, just full of songs that you can sing at the top of your lungs, or blast through your headphones, and just have a real good time for a little while. I know it's easy sometimes to just go straight to that playlist full of sad songs that you can relate to in that moment, but try and go for a different approach - go find old bangers that you used to jump around to as a kid. It's a breath of fresh air.

8. Do chores.

Two in one baby!

A good chunk of the time, our anxiety is stemming from our to-do list, even if we're not thinking about it. All around us is evidence of all the unfinished tasks we've got to do, and that can really stress you out. Personally, whenever I'm anxious, I become almost camotose; I will just sit on the sofa and stare at the wall, feeling everything all at once. However, I've found that using this time to do little tasks around the house actually makes me feel better. I'm not saying I go and do a full massive clean; I might push myself just a bit to wash one or two dishes, or the whole sink if I can manage it. I'll hoover the living room floor. I'll go upstairs and put my clothes away. Just tiny jobs, only as much as I can push myself to do. A lot of the time, one job turns into two, and then two turns to three, and soon my house is spotless, and you know what they say - clean space, clear mind!

9. Take up knitting/ crocheting.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. I only discovered this as a coping mechanism when I was suffering from really bad insomnia and I couldn't sleep; I somehow found myself watching YouTube tutorials on knitting, and I was overcome with this intense urge to learn. It was literally one in the morning, and I drove to my Mum's house (dragged my fiance out of bed to come with me, too, sorry babe <3) and grabbed knitting needles and some yarn. I was up knitting for about an hour, and I felt so relaxed that I actually managed to go to sleep! For the first time in days! So not only can you make really cute clothes and nick-nacks and learn a new skill, you're also relaxing that anxious brain of yours for a little bit.

10. Have a good cry.

Yeah. Just this.

[zirawrites]

How do you think the fallout 4 companions would react to having traveled with sole for a few months and sole only referring to them as "pal, buddy, bro etc." and then finally braking down and telling them they can't for the life of them remember their name, but they were just too embarrassed to ask again

Cait: “It’s literally one syllable, Sole!” Cait’s face flushed when Sole just shrugged. “I’m your only companion with such a short name.” Then Sole reminded her of Danse and Nick, and Cait swung a punch that Sole barely dodged.

Codsworth: “The effects of cryostasis must still be affecting your long-term memory.” Codsworth rattled chipperly and blinked in the endearing way he always did when he wanted to mimic smiling. “Not to worry, sir/mum! I’m Codsworth; your faithful Mr. Handy from General Atomic’s finest!” He literally couldn’t fathom Sole actually not remembering him.

Curie: “I do not mean to offend, but I think I rather you have kept that to yourself.” Curie shook her head in pity. “That is embarrassing, Sole. I hope you feel very awkward right now.” Even though Curie was only partly-teasing, she still insisted Sole take extra vitamins to keep up their mental fortitude.

Danse: “I call you soldier out of respect,” Danse said, his mouth stretched in a long frown. “You do it because you don’t know what else to call me. How long were you going to keep up the charade?” Sole admitted they hoped until another Brotherhood soldier said his name, but everyone just seemed to call him Paladin.

Deacon: “If it makes you feel better, Deacon isn’t actually my real name. I tell raw recruits my codename is to safeguard my identity, but really it’s because my real name is... embarrassing.” Deacon’s blush seemed genuine, and he scratched the back of his neck until Sole finally asked what his name was. “Funnily enough, I’m Sole, too!” He giggled like a kid until Sole gave him a playful shove.

Hancock: “I don’t remember my name half the time anyways.” Hancock seemed completely unbothered by this revelation. It was nearly impossible to offend him. “You can start calling me Hancock, or The Best Damn Mayor in the Commonwealth.” Then Hancock tried to pronounce the last nickname as an acronym, and both of them laughed it off.

MacCready: “You’re kidding.” MacCready searched Sole’s face for hints of a prank. When it was evident Sole was telling the truth, his ears burned red. “We’ve been traveling together for, like, months! You don’t even know the name of the merc you hired? Next time we’re in Sanctuary I’m having Curie look at your head.”

Preston: “Oh, um. I’m Preston.” Preston absolutely internalized this as being so forgettable that Sole couldn’t even remember the first human they came into contact with after leaving the vault. Ouch.

Piper: “Need me to come up with a color for myself? It seems to be the only rudimentary thing you can remember, Blue.” Piper then only referred to herself as Red, which only made Sole feel worse.

Nick: “Sole, you come by my office almost every day.” Nick rubbed his face in sheer defeat. “Did the sign out front never jog your memory?” Sole admitted they thought Nick was just a hopeless romantic, and Nick threw a wad of paper at their head.

X6-88: “It has a lot of numbers. I completely understand, sir/ma’am.” X6 wasn’t offended. In truth, he literally did not care.

[tragedyofromance]

@woodswit thank you tagging me and yea this is abt me

1. are you named after anyone?

Yes I am, my mother names me after a famous Russian song writer Nikita bogoslovskiy ( not Russian lol so it was that was the reason why) but I like it as it mean victorious, or leader to victory

2. when was the last time you cried?

6 months ago, it's generally a pattern I do one big cry maybe a whole day or whole afternoon just silently im not really a sobber, unless im forced to talk about it then I guess its more obvious that im crying otherwise a watery esque eye my eyes doesn't get red, You really wouldn't have guess anything, which at times can be sucker since if it was a bit more obvious the ppl around me would ask even if i would have denied it. But that would have still felt nice. But since they usually cant tell and is being completely normal i just feel like i should go along with it, and then the next day its over i do try to cey again but i just cant, i always think i cried it out so theres nothing more and then when 6 months comes in the cycle continues. It's not necessarily healthy, but you know what, whatever,

3. do you have kids?

No, and thank God, right now I'm just not in the mental state or maturity level to look after, provide for another human,

In saying this I do want to have a child, 2 :D, but I want to be mentally capable, and have enough finance saved to create the village that my child would have, (baby sitters, night nurse, travel nanny, doula care, my afterbirth message therapy, postpartum in home care helping with cleaning or making meals) though I may not use these services I want money there so that if need it it'll be there in case of post partum depressiob, I work in childcare some parents and colleagues i work with do not have any help, or only grandparent help and that can also be taxing on the parents not necessarily financially. So it can be emotional struggle and which could lead to a strain in the emotional and physical relationship between the couples,, which I see can at times turn into into resentment when you think your partner is not doing enough, or not feeling supported. Which can lead to feeling too overwhelmed and not being able to enjoy being a parent ( like I don't understand why some ppl say have usually boomer grandparents say have back to back children and in the next 5 years it'll be easy and calm like what about during it, and also why do I want to struggle or look back and not have too fond memories like that never made sense 2 me

so yea before having a child I know I want money saved to cover all these for atleast the 8 months before even thinking of a having a child, I mean in my culture grandparents will look after and stay with with with mother for atleast 6 months to look after both child and mum but still for safety sake.

This was a really long statement lol

4. what sports do you play/have played?

Hockey, netball, tag rugby

5. do you use sarcasm?

Yup. It's the best

6. what's the first thing you notice about people? Whether or not they're performing or being genuine.

7. what’s your eye color? Brown

8. scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings get nightmares

9. any talents? Artistic creations, and cooking I'm very good :D

10. where were you born? Kuwait

11. what are your hobbies? Social media, sculpting with, creating art in many different ways, music i can literally drive for hours, just before reaching home i go the longest way possible, i also enjoy going for a walk when its windy for an hour or more, i want to do wood carving, and forging a knife, and learning to sow and create beautiful clothing

12. do you have any pets? Yep had two and one died

13. how tall are you? 5'3

14. favorite subject in school? History

15. dream job? Teacher for right now, im working on it now, and possibly a professer in the future

Tagging my mutuals i wanna know

@qinaliel @riahchan @trinuviel @tuesmonoxymore @inlovewithastark @tiny-little-bird @timeforwolvies @tubbylita @nutellaninja0001 @thelawyerthatwaspromised @fedonciadale @ben-barnes-is-my-husband @mediiciis @israfel00 @rissa-rey @yol101 @kitnjon

[definitelynotindecisive]

I posted 20,769 times in 2022

12 posts created (0%)

20,757 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess

@igothurtdoingsafetydance

@desdemonasarahmckenzie

@vaspider

@bat-kidsarebi-kids

I tagged 2,907 of my posts in 2022

#jason todd - 328 posts

#bruce wayne - 215 posts

#batman - 215 posts

#dick grayson - 189 posts

#tim drake - 168 posts

#batfam - 124 posts

#star wars - 120 posts

#dc - 116 posts

#dc comics - 110 posts

#red hood - 109 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#(though as an aside clark's eyes. he totally looks like he's checking lex out.im not a lex/clark shipper but i look at my husband that way)

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

And unlike Misha Collins, I didn't take it back. I committed to the bit!

(I am genuinely bisexual)

4 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

#4

The end of Encanto had me in tears. Flat out sobbing. Really good movie.

7 notes - Posted January 19, 2022

#3

Just putting it out there. These bitches? Same person. You can’t convince me otherwise.

10 notes - Posted April 3, 2022

#2

Okay, so "Freedom" protestors (who are protesting covid restrictions) have shut down Canberra's Lifeline Book Fair. It's a second hand book sale, most books between $1 and about $5.

The protestors have completely taken over the car park and are harrassing people who are wearing masks.

For the safety of the general public, the fair has been shut down.

The book fair is Lifeline's main source of donations, and without it, the already strained mental health call-service becomes strained even further. They have worked so hard throughout the pandemic to help will depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. Without the Book Fair, they're going to struggle to meet the needs of thousands struggling with their mental health.

Please, if you have anything to spare. Even if it's just a dollar, please donate to Canberra Lifeline Service. This is a service we can't afford to lose. It could mean all the difference, could save someone's life.

https://www.lifelinecanberra.org.au/donate/

10 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Bestie your addition to the Batfam/Harley makes me FROTH at the mouth; I actually checked and her names actually LUCY QUINZEL I DIE,,, SHES SO ADORABLE,,,

And she's just fucking Normal which is so fucking funny- it breaks me that Harley couldn't be in her life but when she STARTS,,, OH MANNNN,,, convinced Damian and her would be besties with " someone will die" " of FUN" vibes with Jon too!!!! Im. Dying. I'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any sjsjsjsjs

Omg, Lucy and Brucie, so cute they rhyme 💖💖💖 yes, and then Bruce and Harley will get all emotional over the Lucy/Damien/Jon trio, cos like, it'll be like when they were kids with Harvey! And then like, having family dinners, and Lucy calling Alfred grandpa, because Harley unironically calls Alfred "dad". I'm crying. THEY'RE A FAMILY! And like, Harley making fun of Bruce for dropping out of med school, when she went all the way to get a PH.D and them being super proud when one of the new trio goes to med school. I have a lot of feelings.

Oh and the shenanigans these children will get into, with like big brother Dick and/or Jason, definitely Tim, joining in or enabling. And Bruce and Harley can't even be mad, cos they lowkey/highkey thought it was hilarious, or did worse things when they were the same age together.

Like I'm insane about Cass having big sister bonding time with little sister Lucy, like taking this little girl under her (bat) wing and just uuuggghhh. Teaching Lucy sign language and how to read body language, especially if Lucy wants to become a psychiatrist like her mum to help give patients the best care, or become a vigilante like her. I'm such a slut for found family, you have no idea

Based on this post

71 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[slimschance]

Wednesday - 29/05/24

7:10am

i feel so (emotionally) empty and dull wtf... i don't wanna cry or nothing i just wanna disappear with no disturbance, to be in full isolation with nothing but 4 walls

on the plus side, i put my hair in a really cute low bun, but i think it's falling out or moving bc it's getting looser and starting to pull now. for context i never do my hair, it pure hates me so i'd normally just detangle it and then leave as is.

7:23am

uno it's bad when your "me and who" pinterest board is just pictures of people being friends... so fucking disheartening to tell adults, both family and teachers, no, i won't enjoy my last day, or any days of school, nor my school holidays, because i have no friends. i do genuinely enjoy listening to their stories of them and their mates but they all refuse to listen one bit when i tell them i won't be enjoying mine. the teachers try and say shit like "of course you do (have friends)" and "i didn't have many friends either", yet go on to explain their friend group of 20+ people, their 3 best friends, all the parties they got invited to, their 2 different boyfriends and how they went to uni on the bank of mum and dad, making at least 20 more pals that they talk to weekly till this day.

literally my best and only pal is my 11y/o cousin and that doesn't even count for anything because we're related man. i used to be close with his sister, my 15y/o cousin but we just don't hang out at all like whatsoever, even at functions. i do love her sm still, i always make sure to buy her treats when shes on her period, check up on her when shes ill and ensure shes safe and happy. i'll also just gift her for no reason so she has higher standards for her future boyfriends, she really doesn't pick the thoughtful ones at all. either way, she's heavily motivated to do go on and make lots of money and go into further education, difficult jobs ect. so i don't worry too much, i know she has her head screwed on.

most of the time i have to pretend the concept of best friends is just a concept, simply a movie trope, to stop myself from breaking down. i full course envy every single person whos had a best friend, one that actually enjoys your company, even if that best friend doesn't reciprocate (as in count you as their best friend), i envy you 😭 i literally just long for someone who doesn't mind my company. not even someone who likes my company, just someone who tolerates it. how fucking sad is that

i genuinely don't think anyone at all classes me as a friend, and anyone who could be a friend has never wanted to talk outside of school despite having my snap, email and insta, and i know every last one of them has chat shit about me minimum twice, every single one. i've never harmed any of these people physically nor mentally, all my previous friends (not exactly a decent sample size, i can count them on my hands) that fucking hate my guts still admit i'm one of the kindest people they know and that i'm a great friend, supportive, useful and funny, it's literally because i'm unattractive and neurodivergent that people don't like me i swear down 😭 i asked someone to reword a sentence once and they gave me death stares for 2 years and still chat shit to this day bro. at least there was actual reason for this one i spose, usually it comes from fucking nowhere

anyway i've been writing too long its 7:58 now erm

10:52am

just finished watching the girl next door on netflix, i love this film 😭 shame it's leaving netflix early next month. they're a cute couple frl

7:00pm

i watched pretty woman like 6 hours ago, yet julia robert's smiles still got a hold on me bro. every time she smiled i smiled with her because her smile is that charming, gosh.

6:55am next day - summary

i didn't update but my nans seemingly safe after her surgery - we were all up nan's from 7ish and we watched BGT, me and my cousin played subway surfers, that fruit drop game and all sorts of the tile music games. he gave me a dead leg like five times from sitting lit on me though ahaha

mum told me if i wanted to go out in the week cah i've been pretty miserable, i could message my (other, not the one with surgery) nan or cousin, when i said "no, i have no energy to message someone and i don't wanna get shot down again" (i'm too sensitive to rejection, even from my nan who loves me like heck) she had a go at me. i'm sorry but almost everything is disappointing nowadays, i'm not gonna add to it unless you want me stepping off the 3rd floor by next week ffs.

anyway, i'm just glad and incredibly lucky to still have both my nans alive. thankful

[icanonlybe-human]

This weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions and I’m confused and tired of it.

Friday was a bad day. I think I wrote here that day? But I honestly can’t remember. The days blend and mesh with each other and my dreams.

Saturday was a weird day. I wasn’t good but I wasn’t bad. It was so, so nice to see mum and nan, and we had a really big hug when I snuck up on them in the foyer. Mum even went to the effort of getting me an Easter goodie bag that had my favourite chips and popcorn and SO much chocolate (I’m going to share it around because it’s genuinely too much for me). But she also included a cute little “happy Easter” decorative piece, same necklaces based around the idea that onyx is for strength and amethyst is for peace. Plus a little keychain bunny which is really cute but needs surgery because it has a pretty big tear in the back.

And then Dad showed up. I had to make him give me a hug, and you could tell he was pissed (for context they got scammed in accommodation and paid 700 bucks for a place that doesn’t exist, so are trying to get their money back). He soured the room the entire time they were here, and made it really hard to talk. I think it was also hard for him being in one of the places that he called a “loony bin” for so long. I still want to have a talk with him but he hasn’t given me the chance to talk privately.

It honestly kinda sucked having them visit in the room. It’s 4 hours, Mum and dad have their heads in their phones, Nan can’t hear for shit and there’s not much we can talk about because Dad makes every conversation about him or mum asks me about how I’m “doing in [my]self” of which I have to answer awkwardly because I don’t want to give too much detail to worry her again.

It’s nice when we go out though. I think the big mood changer is that in my room, it’s obvious I’m in a ward, even if it’s a good looking one. But out there, they forget. I hide my tag and we act like we’re just out for tea in Melbourne and it’s nice. But it’s also exhausting going out into the real world, and I hate the fact that I have to act like I’m not a psych ward patient in order to have a normal conversation with my parents.

We saw Aunty N and Uncle Bo for dinner, and honestly, I wanted to lean in for a hug from Aunty N just as much as a hug from Mum. That’s never happened before. I think it’s the fact that she actually understands. Hell, she even made me realise that what I was feeling leading up to seeing my parents wasn’t excitement, it was anxiety. When Bo and N came to visit, I was excited. Basically bounced out of the lift. When AB said she’d visit, I got excited and then depressed when I realised she wasn’t coming. MC? Even though we haven’t been best friends for a long time, excited. But every other person is accepting of me being in here. Mum has been worrying herself sick, Nan didn’t really know what she was walking into and Dad? Well, he’s… him.

And tomorrow, we’re going to lunch with some ex army friends who used to add to my mental health problems back in the day. Literally pushed me to the point once where I got so overwhelmed I cried over spilt milk. They don’t believe in mental health problems, and think only people who have seen war shit should have PTSD. So I have to hide my tag, and not tell stories about my current situation, and try to avoid questions and paste a smile on and act like everything is normal.

But another part of me wants to say “fuck that and fuck them. Fuck society for making me act this way”. Who knows, I might just scream to the world that I’m a psych ward patient and laugh at their reactions. Because I have, quite frankly, had enough of this bullshit.

[jpoaulransahl]

#4

you'll notice that i've skipped #3 and come straight to #4. that signifies all i've forgotten to write. i probably would have predicted my inconsistency to you before. anyway, here's something about a friend of mine.

i hold him dear to me, and he's genuinely one of the few individuals i feel myself with. he and i always go on walks together and talk about the most random shit ever. it could be sad, or just weird for the third person. but we know that there's no need for a third person here. from slut-shaming dogs and penguin-shaped bins to talking about the potential loss of someone close we've probably talked about everything. going on a hike together or influencing each other's movie and music tastes.

he's always struggled with anxiety, depression and whatnot. it pains me to see him like this. a while ago at 1:57 am he sent me an appreciative message telling me he'd been feeling numb and emotionless and taking more meds than prescribed to him and might've od'd. and that, he did. he was in the hospital for a while. they had to cut open his stomach to get the meds out. he was visibly hurting for a few days. i'd stayed with him because he wasn't allowed to be home alone.

yesterday he got silent all of a sudden. he was physically with us but not mentally. and that's okay, i zone out a lot as well and sometimes it's just not your day. but this was somewhat different. while walking he just stopped for a while and fell down. seemed like a panic attack or something. i was the first to notice. another friend of ours(my best friend) who's studying psychology took great care of him. sure, i was present and did what i could but she stepped up. i called him mum up who got there hastily and got my suffering friend home. we wished them good night. my best friend said she was not scared at all. and that was perhaps an understatement. her nerves were cool and it would be safe to say she was calm and composed. i hope to step up one day.

i am extremely concerned for my friend. i will support him all i can. i will be the best friend he could wish for. i know who i am. i'll leave no stone unturned. i am sorry i never say this to him in person, but boy do i love you. i'd give anything for you to be alright.

[pheadrus]

how did I grow up. no personality on one side of my family and no sanity on the other. both my parents are the ostracised one in each group. i tell you I had No environment in which to foster social skills just none

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E10 “Square One”. If I recall correctly this ep is the first time John loses a trial patient, so that should be interesting.

Edit 1: Oh Zav I miss you.

Edit 2: John on his iconic dictaphone. Also watching these episodes knowing what the 8th Doctor’s TARDIS looks like, I’m convinced the whole luminous blue vibe of John’s lab was an intentional shoutout to it.

Edit 3: I love this little Donna and Serena scene.

Edit 4: I really do love me some good morally ambiguous John content. They should’ve kept him this way, it was a lot more interesting than the supervillain direction they took him in.

Also Jac high on pain meds and actually being happy and friendly for once is hilarious.

And, a line from Fletch: “Have I stepped into a parallel Darwin?” Nah, Fletch, the parallel Darwin came later, in 2021 when Sahira was suddenly Henrik’s childhood friend for some reason.

Edit 5: We went from a Zav scene to a Jason scene just now. What a downgrade.

Also, gah, Jason: “Prison should be for bad, dangerous people, not good people like Ric who are just doing their best!” WHY DOES HE TALK LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD IT’S SO ANNOYING. I know we autistics tend to have different speech patterns but the way to write that is not to write dialogue on literally the same level you’d write dialogue for a neurotypical child character.

Edit 6: I love Roxanna’s blouse in this ep.

Edit 7: Absolute legend Ken Davies is back! I’d forgotten he was in this ep!

Edit 8: Jac is so fucking beautiful. She literally looks like a goddess or something.

Edit 9: John was SO blatantly severely mentally ill the whole time why did no one intervene??

Also lol @ Ollie joking about his lack of motor skills to Lofty the dyspraxic man.

Edit 10: When Jac said “it’s miraculous what a full 5 hours’ kip can do for you” I felt that.

Edit 11: I actually agree with Serena on something for once - the ‘Ric in prison’ storyline WAS “utter madness”.

Edit 12: The Rox and John dynamic was really fascinating. Also, John’s body language is VERY Henrik-esque in this episode.

And why does John talk like me? “There’s been no improvement, alas!” 😂

Edit 13: This episode is Jason in his 5-year-old era and not in a realistic developmental delay way (look at someone like Chantelle, she was autistic coded and “childish” but wasn’t written like an actual child) but in a ableist writing way.

Edit 14: ZAV!! I love his outfit in this ep. Also, it’s truly amazing how much character development he had when he was only on the show for 2 years.

Edit 15: Interesting dialogue. Rox: “I would err on the side of caution.” John: “You always do.”

Edit 16: Love the Jac and Ken banter. “I did the best I could, but despite my efforts, you pulled through.”

Edit 17: Rosie Marcel is SO good.

Edit 18: Zav was such an asshole when he first started out.

Edit 19: John on the dictaphone again!

Edit 20: John’s despair about the trial failing reads differently looking back after the later reveal that it was all about trying to save Lana.

Also, him lying to Essie and saying the implant didn’t fail... oof.

Edit 21: Very visible anxious stimming from John when his patient goes into arrest.

Also fuck I basically stole this scene for my one unfinished fanfic without remembering. I hope everyone thinks it was a deliberate parallel lmao.

Edit 22: I think the patient’s mum is doing a guest-character-speaking-for-staff member moment when she’s talking about the trial to John: “I didn’t think of the risks.”

Edit 23: Paul McGann is an INCREDIBLE actor.

Edit 24: John not wanting to bother Henrik by calling him about the Medical Director job :’))

Also, funny thing is, when John said he just wants what’s best for his patients I do believe he genuinely thought that.

Edit 25: HENRIK

Edit 26: “Meetings, paperwork... hardly John’s field of expertise, is it?” Lmaooo

Edit 27: I love early John with the curly hair.

Edit 28: John is very very good at manipulating people, whether he’s using it for good (as he is in this case - seeking the Medical Director job and talking Serena into giving it to him so he can help Roxanna fight for the TMS for Ollie) or not. One has to think Henrik picked up some techniques from him. I mean, the Henrik we saw in the flashback episode couldn’t manipulate anyone if he tried, I don’t think.

Edit 29: Lofty saying he’s not like Isaac aged poorly :(

Edit 30: Zav showing a moment of tenderness towards Nicky.

Edit 31: John on Henrik: “He’s like the rest of us. Lost without a stethoscope.”

Edit 32: Serena saying she’d cheerfully hand Gaskell the CEO job. That’s so fucking funny in hindsight of how John turned out.

[onewithnomightypowers]

clandestine (chapter 3)

PAIRING: Tom Holland x fem!Reader

SUMMARY: Y/N is an up and coming actress, married to a once hotshot actor, Harrison (Haz). What happens when her co-star, Tom, makes her realise that she is stuck in a loveless marriage. A marriage starts crumbling and a new romance stars brewing.

chapter 3: sparks fly

A/N: i do not encourage cheating. i hope you guys like this chapter!! feedback is always appreciated.

warnings: drinking, smoking, cursing

word count: 1.5k

series masterlist   main masterlist   chapter 2   chapter 4

JFK to Heathrow was a 7 hour flight. Y/N was going to London to promote her new movie with Tom. She wasn’t the lead but was still asked to do so because she was going there to film her new movie over the summer. She reached London at 10 a.m.

She felt exhausted even though she had slept throughout the flight. She hoped that London would give her some peace. New York, her home, came with exhausting people, came with Haz. Every conversation with him was mentally draining for her. London was not New York. London had Tom, who was the opposite of Haz.

Haz was someone who would walk into a room and make everyone aware of his presence. He would make sure that he had the upper hand over everything. He was insecure, and anyone who really knew him could tell, but he would try his best to hide it by being a cocky, confident version of himself. That might have made people believe that he was arrogant or obnoxious but Y/N knew that deep down, he was still trying to navigate through the world and that in particular, made Haz so charming.

Tom, on the other hand, was quiet about his confidence. He was the kind of person who just walked into a room and didn’t have to be arrogant to have all eyes on him. There was something beaming from within him that he probably couldn’t even control that made people turn their heads. When you see him, you just feel like walking over to him and talking to him for hours.

He felt like enjoying your favourite song without turning the volume up. You could enjoy his company even with comfortable silence because he knew who he was and didn't brag about it. Y/N found this to be the most interesting quality in him. It’s not his charm or valour, it’s him.

Y/N was unpacking for the summer, when she got a call from Tom. “Hey Tom”, she was happy to hear his voice.

“A little birdie told me that you’re here”, he said.

“Huh?” she was confused.

“Greta, I mean I heard from Greta that you’re here, in London”

“Yeah, I got in few hours ago”

“Where are you staying?”

“I’m renting an apartment in Camden”

“Oh, I-um, I was wondering if you wanna grab a pint with me?” He took ages to finish the sentence and it took seconds for Y/N to agree.

“Yess! I mean, great, I’ll text you the address” it was hard for him to contain his excitement.

Tom reached the pub before Y/N. He was on his second pint when Y/N entered. He was sitting in a booth, going through his phone. Tom stood up when he saw her walking over towards him. “You look beautiful,” Tom said in amazement. When Y/N laughed at his words he realised he said it out loud.

“Thanks” she said with a smile. They both sat down a few inches away from each other.

“What do you wanna drink?”

Y/N’s phone was ringing, it was Haz.

“How about you get me a pint and I’ll take this call, what do you say?”

“Okay”, he said and got up.

Y/N went outside the pub to take the call. It was drizzling outside, wondering which version of Haz she was going to get, she lit a cigarette. Was it going to be the man she married or the man who was consumed by jealousy?

“Hey love”, a soft spoken Haz was met on the other side of the phone.

“Hi” she replied with politeness, taking a long drag.

“Did you reach London safely?” She could hear the genuine concern in his voice.

She blew out the smoke, “yeah, I ended up getting the Camden apartment.”

“That’s good, anyway, I called you because I wanted to let you know that I signed an ad campaign. They are filming it in London so I’ll be there for a few weeks in July. “

“That’s amazing Haz”, a group of women came out of the pub laughing loudly.

“Are you out somewhere?”

“Yeah I’m out for drinks”

“Oh okay, I’ll let you get back to it then” he hung up.

Y/N dropped her cigarette butt and stepped on it. She didn’t know how to feel about the interaction. She went back in, Tom was waiting for her with their glasses.

“Who was it?” He asked, taking a sip of his beer.

“It was just Haz”

“How are things with Haz, if you don’t mind me asking?” Tom was aware of the turbulence in their relationship from on-set gossip.

“We’re-umm“, Y/N took some time to condense all of the things she felt about Haz into a simple sentence for him.

“We’re not that good”

Tom noticed her sad eyes.

“Well enough about me, what have you been up to? How’s your family?” She said with a burst of energy.

“Ah-hum”, he let out a little sigh.

“My life hasn’t really been that exciting since I came back from New York, one might even call it dry. It’s just work and pub. That’s it. But, my dad is working on a new book and my mum is trying to get my little brother into acting too”

“I wish I had a little brother”

“No you don’t, they’re like your personal monsters who you can’t hate because you are conditioned to love them”

She laughed, their eyes locked, filled with fondness for the other. She looked down at her empty glass, taking note of the sparks flying around them.

“Have you been to Ireland?” she asked in an attempt to neutralise the chemical reaction they both felt.

“Nope I haven’t, which is weird ‘cause it’s very close to England”

“I wanna go and just get drunk on Guinness there. It’s on my bucket list”

“Cute. You have a bucket list”

They were getting closer to each other with every word they spoke.

“Everyone has a bucket list. Maybe we should go to Ireland together”, Y/N suggested.

“Don’t. Don’t make empty promises”, they were both buzzed. He put his hand on her thigh, subconsciously.

“What if I’m not”, she said in an almost whisper. Y/N’s sight kept alternating from his eyes to his lips. They looked irresistible. They were inching in closer. Finally Tom filled the gap with his lips on Y/N’s.

A lyrical smile came on Tom's face. Y/N deepened into the kiss, her hand laced in his hair, pulled him closer to her. He broke away, “as much as I would like to continue this, I think we should follow the spark somewhere else”

Y/N looked around the swamp of half-drunk people and sighed.

“Fine, but I’ll drive”

Tom obliged and gave her his car keys.

—-

What Y/N had thought was as a onetime thing, became a pastime. Y/N decided to take the road less travelled by. The road of infidelity, which was covered with wild ivy. The ivy, named Tom, groped her further and further, with every step she took. She started to fall in love with him, with each clandestine meeting.

He would come over to her house, each night, with his hood over his head, making sure nobody saw him leave. They would try to find places, away from the prying eyes of people and hunters with smartphones. Every time, before Tom kissed her, he would say, “you know we can always stop” and every time she would think that she couldn’t because his magnetic field was drawing her in, deeper and deeper.

Tom was scared, not because of people finding out, but because he thought a day would come when Y/N would realise that this is all wrong and pull the plug. With her, he never thought that they were out of the woods, the thrill always lingered in the air. Sometimes he wondered if the drug of the thrill would stop working after the first few times.

They would stare at each other with longing, during interviews. What they thought were stolen glances, weren’t going unnoticed by the media. There were speculations around them. After every panel, a new rumour was born and each rumour caused a new fight between Y/N and Haz.

After every fight, Y/N would knock on Tom's garden gate, crying. Y/N had her guard up all the time. For the rest of the world, she was meticulous with every word she said but with Tom, it was no good.

Every step she took with Tom, she wondered if Haz knew. Did Haz know that he was right not to trust her? With every step Tom took with Y/N, he wondered if she knew how much in love with her he was. Did she know that he was ready to carve her name on his bedpost as the last one?

They both wondered if the other knew that they were ready to ruin themselves for each other a million little times.

@mysticapples17

[funkymbtifiction]

Finding my Si: a submission

I’d like to share 6 things that helped me discover my Si and how Charity’s advice helped me, in case it helps anyone else :)

1.It helps when friends and family tell you what they think your dominant function is. Like a fish not realizing the water is wet, it’s so normal that it’s invisible to you. My mum picked Si the minute I asked her which function described me best; she said, ‘You trust your personal experiences and refer back to them all the time; it’s like an anchor for you. You rely on the past to get you through the present.’ One by one, my friends picked the same, pointing to how I recollect everything from the date we first met to changes in their food preferences to the color of the shirt they wore one Monday morning. I never realized the enormity of the storehouse of detail in my head until they pointed out that not everyone treasures memory-keeping in the same way. I wouldn’t say Si memory is photographic; for me, it’s more like a fisherman’s net, where I gather in what matters to me. I see a living mosaic of past and present when I look at people and places I love.

2. Being willing to question my own assumptions. An unflinching look at what I actually do, not what I think I do.

I considered Ni when I thought of goals I’ve set. For example, I got into the same UK university at 18 that I’d loved at age 14. This story initially sounded as though I’d had a clear future vision, and never let go of the dream (Ni). However, I’d left out winding twists and turns in between. At 16, I was captivated by a Canadian university and considered going there for a while; at 17, I considered studying in New York. Eventually, I applied to a bunch of unis and got an offer from the original ‘dream one’ in England. It was the best offer and I’d remained fond of it, so I wound up going. I was pleased, but I’d been open to other unis and happy to go to them too. After reading the perspective of actual Ni-users on their laser-sharp vision, I realized mine wasn’t as unwavering, intense and single-minded.

Instead, I realized that the reason I treasure this story -  'I visited my uni when I was just a kid and then got to go there for good!’ - is that I liked being able to link my childhood self and adult self. I enjoy connecting the past and present and spotting continuity and change ('Back then, I did this…now I still do this…and I don’t do this….’). My mind always traces back to how things were, which spills over into dinner-table family conversations ('Do you remember when…?’/'You know how we used to…?’). I realized that this type of personal mythologizing and cherishing a living past is Si. I can set goals and work meticulously in a step-by-step IFJ way, but it is not a dominant personality trait in the strikingly single-minded, futuristic, visionary way that is Ni. For anyone considering Ni, I recommend looking up mbti-notes and Charity’s explanations here, as it is a very complex function and it helps to understand exactly how it works.

3. Painful honesty. Confronting flaws isn’t fun. However, as Charity says, it helps to think of pairs (Si-Ne, Ne-Si or Ni-Se) rather than functions in isolation.

I tried to determine which flaw I could most relate to: inferior Te, inferior Se, or inferior Ne.

I couldn’t identify with inferior Te because I’ve always been a careful planner and organizer; even my third-grade report cards said, ‘She loves being efficient and organizing her little space!’ Today, I have multiple administrative responsibilities at work and genuinely enjoy it. There’s something about streamlining systems and attending to details that feels satisfying (dorky, I know). I could not relate to inferior Se either, as sensory engagement has always been a big part of my life. Whether it’s dancing or nature hikes or cooking, hands-on hobbies have always been so core to me that I often find myself feeling one with the natural environment, rather than uncomfortable with it. I haven’t had reckless moments characteristic of inferior Se. But inferior Ne - those descriptions embarrassed me.

As Charity says, if something makes you go ‘ouch’, it might hit the nail on the head.

I thought I had good Ne because I can see multiple perspectives. But this is more a 9 and 2 influence ('Staying open-minded helps to understand people, help them, and resolve conflict’) and a skill honed through my job in peace-building. What trips me up are the problems plaguing inferior Ne users. Newness and novelty feels hard. My 9 probably plays into it, but in general I am not good at out of the box thinking and brainstorming dozens of different approaches. Despite my 2-9 positive outlook, I usually feel fearful of the unknown and find it difficult to speculate or imagine possibilities in the uncertain future.

4. It helps to see where your attention goes. When I teach and review students’ essays, I’ll start leaving comments about their word-choice in paragraph 3; the evidence they used on page 2; how their argument on page 12 risks contradicting their logic on page 10, etc. I can hold these details in my head with ease, suggest a clear structure, and spot incongruities, but I have to consciously remind myself to zoom out to comment on the overarching ideas in the work.

On the other hand, I notice when I do something creative or abstract because it’s not really what I do on a day to day basis. When I first began researching MBTI, I found it easy to recall the last metaphor I imagined because it stood out in my mind. But determining frequency helped. Not just how I think, but how often I think that way. Ne is a ‘play’ function for me - on good days, it’s a whimsical scribble in a poetry journal, occasional daydreams, self-improvement books on my shelf.

5. Being able to tease out finer differences in cognition. I got interested in a Royal Family controversy recently. I thought I was using Ni because I mused on the consequences for the nation (in a Ni-Fe way). However, I realized I was less interested in future possibility and more interested in what was helpful for interpersonal understanding (Fe/2-9) and how the country could preserve the traditions and culture built up over centuries (Si). Rather than preferring to look ahead and predict what would happen (Ni). It’s a fine line, but it helped to think: how often is my cognition located in the future vs the past? Which one feels more natural? Is it an Enneagram or an MBTI influence at play?

6. Avoiding sensor bias. I felt I must be an intuitive because I do engage in abstract conversation sometimes. It’s just that my topics of choice come from my Enneagram 269 tritype. How can schools treat children better? What can we do to promote community mental health? What keeps kids safer? My job is centered around people’s welfare, and I’d be happy to discuss theories of human psychology or relationships or mental health because I’m very absorbed in my little niche of knowledge. However, concrete applications interest me most, and I am not likely to start conversations about, say, 18th century theology or automated cars or space travel. My INFP and INFJ friends seem interested in a much wider range of philosophical conversation.

I agree with a post on this blog that pointed out that modern psychology now understands traits not as bimodal distributions (X or Y) but along a spectrum (how much of X? How much of Y?). People differ in where they lie along the spectrum. I’d say I’m close to the middle. My biggest tell that I lean towards sensing is when I look through philosophy books on human well being. Even though the topic reflects my interests, I’m quickly bored by too much theory. I’m happy to thrash out an idea with a friend, but it needs to be animated by real-life examples and practical applications for me to stay interested.

Above all, I recommend observing where your heart leads. Much of my free time goes into journal-writing, old albums, and time capsules. Detail-driven memory-keeping fulfills me deeply, and it was this deep joy that proved most helpful for recognizing my Si :)

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Treatment/Recovery Update - May 2021

Okay, I will try to ramble less in this one (so sorry!) ^ well that didn't happen!

In terms of when I did leave hospital, as I mentioned a tiny bit in the last post, my EDP was completely AWOL. A month before I was due to be discharged she came to a meeting with myself and my consultant, during which we set up 4 appointments that would be over zoom before I was discharged to help with relapse prevention and the transition home, as well as setting out, in principle, the therapeutic support that I would be getting once home...it all sounded great, so great. But as usual when it comes to my team, it was too good to be true (should have called it). I attempted to contact her when our appointments never happened but I kept being met by a brick wall; no one knew what was happening, all I got told was that she was "off"... Time passed and I was discharged with only a phone call booked in from someone from the general team to check I was safe a few days later (it was literally 5 minutes, long if that) and an appointment to do physical monitoring the next wee....a far cry from the original discharge plan *sigh* Coming home was a bit of a whirlwind. We were approaching Christmas but we were still under a lot of restrictions with COVID, so it was a very strange/messy/weird few weeks.

Time continued to pass and there was still no confirmation around therapy or support, even the ED team didn't know what was happening with L, I just continued to go to two weekly physical monitoring. In the end, with nowhere else to turn, I contacted my consultant from hospital. To say that she was mad that nothing had been in place/I had no support would be an understatement and I thank my lucky stars that she was able to get involved. It took a couple of weeks but I finally had my first session with a therapist in February. In total it took about 8-9weeks from discharge to see someone, which, well, was hard.

Upon reflection, I think one of the biggest things I struggled with with coming home was that I had literally no leave to practice beforehand. This meant that I unfortunately slipped back into old habits very quickly as, well I know it is no excuse but coming back to the same environment your brain easily slips into automatic mode and you find yourself doing what you "used" to do without realising it.

I was in, I would say, quite a vulnerable state when I left hospital (the last few months there were pretty rocky to say the least) and the day before I was discharged (as I mentioned in a previous post somewhere) I was handed 3 different, very conflicting, meal plans and the nutritionist who had previously been very horrible to me and who had been away for a number of weeks, told me that she did not think I could continue to recover at home and that the best possible case would be if I only lost a bit of weight over the next 6 months....I think you can probably guess how badly this was taken and how messy my mind was. So with 3 meal plans in hand, none of which I had practiced, with little to no support from the ED team, I was, essentially, crisis managing, simply trying to get through each day.

I know, I know. Classic kitty - stuck record. failure. mess. making a million and one excuses. trying to make out like she is fine to the rest of the world when in fact inside she was falling apart. sigh.

In terms of my weight recovery I was not discharged at a healthy BMI/weight, which my consultant was sad about, however I was in a much better place than when I was admitted (I think I had gained about half the weight I would have needed to from when I was admitted to get to a healthy weight). I will admit that part of me does wonders whether staying would have been beneficial, because on a very basic level yes it could have helped in some ways. However if I stretch my mind back to when I was still on the ward ,it actually still floods me with anxiety and fear because of how UNHELPFUL the environment had sadly become. It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced an EDU, but the patient groups can and do make a massive of differences. I was vvv lucky that when I was initially admitted, and for the first good couple of months, it was a v supportive and recovery focused environment. However, by about late Sept/early October ,things turned completely upside down (which was not helped by the fresh COVID lockdowns either) and even staff were saying how terrible it had gotten and how they could not believe the things that they were being asked to manage on the progression ward. There were times when I felt incredible unsafe on the ward and feared for others patients, which is not "okay". I genuinely believe that staying any longer would have likely made my mental health decline further; I had already found the massive shift was negatively affecting me and I think staying would have been unwise. I had also gained quite a lot of weight and was, I hate to admit, struggling with both coming to terms with that along with dealing with everything that you are continually facing when going through treatment/recovery alongside working on trauma stuff. I know none of that is any worthy excuse, but that was how it was...At this time I was struggling a lot with my meal plan and had quite a few lapses whilst on the transition phase of the unit however despite screaming out for help/support from staff, because of the acute situation on the ward, I was just left. They knew I was struggling, I was told time and time again that they had not forgotten me, but did I get help? no. It was actually made worse by the then nutritionist who sat me down like a naughty school girl and basically told me that I was a failure and that I would never achieve anything in life blah blah blah (please see a past post if you want to know more) which made me even more scared to reach out for 'help'/'support'. So no, I don't think staying would have helped much, which is a real shame.

Therapy wise I had a bit of a rough ride in there (god I'm really selling this aren't I?!). When admitted I was not in a place for 'traditional' therapy what so ever; looking back I honestly have no idea how I was even 'functioning' (was I functioning? probably not) and even the group therapies were a struggle but my consultant stuck with me and with time I was able to process a little more. One thing that helped me beyond words was 1:1 Art Therapy. This was not something I had accessed before, only ever doing group sessions in the past which was mostly about getting away from the ward and doing a bit of art. I cannot reiterate enough how different and HELPFUL the 1:1 sessions were. The art therapy, who I knew from the last year and is an absolutely GEM, helped me to begin to process and work through the trauma that I had experienced with dad. It took a lot of time and persistence but I was able to use those sessions in so many ways and I will forever be grateful to P for supporting me (I was so lucky to be able to have 1:1 sessions for the majority of my 8 admission).

The more traditional therapy initially took the form of 30min sessions with my consultant once to twice a week (as much as I hated them, she was bloody good). I also had a review and a few sessions with the lead therapist via zoom (she was heavily pregnant so was working from home) not long after being admitted, but she soon went on maternity leave. This left me to be picked up by her student, who was actually incredible. We did a long extended piece of work on my perfectionism which, again, was SO helpful but she sadly left (for bigger and better things) and I was left hanging for a while as there were no other openings. A new lead therapist started and after a while he did a few sessions with me before leaving suddenly (I think even staff only had a weeks notice, which was ridiculous), so I was back to twiddling thumbs for a few weeks. I then met with a therapist who worked 2 mornings a week that I saw a bit during my last admission but we didn't do many sessions and it just fell away. This was mostly my fault as by this point I was questioning my admission and whether I would self discharge as there were some not good things going on on the ward, so I wasn't really in the headspace to explore things deeply and had been picked up and put down so many times that I just couldn't do anymore. Throughout that time though I continued to see my consultant weekly, mainly focusing on mindfulness and other therapy styles thrown in there too at times.

I will forever be thankful/grateful for the admission I had, especially to be under a different consultant (for COVID reasons they had to split things differently as they would usually do it by area but that wasn't possible at the time I was admitted) as her approach made a huge difference. I still remember one of the first things she said to me was that she couldn't believe/was that I had been placed on the SEED pathway and that she believed that I could be more than that, which honestly, gave me a little bit of hope (something that had been ripped apart and shredded by my usual consultant multiple times).

But back to now.... I have now been seeing a new therapist weekly (when possible) since February and, in a backwards way, I am so glad that L disappeared off the grid because the "support" I was going to be getting under the original plan was just sessions with her to do some self guided self help stuff, whereas with this therapist we have actually been doing some HELPFUL work. In terms of L, I think the last I was told she never returned to work and has now left the team (we have a sneaky feeling that she either had a complete break down or that it was due to too may complaints (mum called this a long time ago as she was not qualified for the role at all and was utterly useless), which, yeah, was strange to not get an ending as I had worked with her for a few years. Anyway, I've been doing SCHEMA therapy with this new lady (I'd not heard of it before) and at first I was a bit reluctant but it's been incredibly insightful. I continue to learn more about myself and the reasons why I may have gone down certain roads each session. HOWEVER. and this is a big however. There has been a bit of a snag in the rope.

In short, yes I have been engaging really well with the therapy side, my weight and physical health has only continued to deteriorate since i was discharged. We are talking classic kitty of slowly slipped backwards, nothing dramatic, nothing to make alarm bells go off or warrant a review, but it's not been good. Anorexia is screaming at me for saying all of this, it shouts "but you weigh so much more than when you were admitted, you are a complete fraud blah blah blah" which is all the same old boring drivel it always spews out. But basically Im in dangerous waters now in terms of losing therapy/not being able to engage with therapy properly if things dont improve. Ive been in classic stuck mode, getting so absorbed by the numbers and the bubble that AN offers, that I have been numb to it all. The HCA I was seeing was really trying to help me to make changes but she left a while ago (she was going back to train as a nurse) and since then I have had the odd appointment here and there (I think it fell to every 3 weeks for a while as there were no available appointments) with people trying to cover the clinic until someone else is hired for the role, which is far from ideal as they literally just do the necessary obs and send you on your way.

Okay that sounds like yet another excuse, which is probably is, but it's not been an easy ride since I left hospital to say the least.

BUT this past week things have begun to shift a little. I was honest with my therapist about the whole food/meal plan side of things and we actually spoke about how we can't focus on therapy things until I am in a more stable place, which is both really hard to hear but also exactly what I need to hear. I am actually being more open to change, which is a shift from where I was just a week ago. It is bloody painful, even just thinking about it all hurts/is exhausting and I am still very much in the darkness /struggling with it but there is now a little part of me that is screaming out and trying to be heard. There is a little part of me that WANTS to get out of this endless messy limbo that this relapse has been and wants to start stepping back into "recovery". There is part of me that wants a chance. And I've got to start listening to that side a little more.

I promise, the next update will be a little more positive Stay tuned.

[pens-swords-stuff]

UNDINE!! IT IS I, THE EVER LATE KEWPIE ANON!! Sorry to have left you hanging like that--my character flaw is my terrible response time to messages. I have 2 modes: now or never. And NOW, with updated ADHD meds, I AM IMMORTAL! Anyway, moving on.

1. Thanks so much for the link!! I had actually asked for it so that my mum could watch it, since she loves バライティー番組...but then it turned out that she already uses that site LMAO. She's a pro pirate.

2. Wow your JP school was much more professional than mine!! Hundreds of students??? We had, like, TWENTY!!! And that Chicago student...WOW!! That's super cool though; I love hearing about other community schools, since they're such a formative piece of diaspora childhood.

3. YOU LIKE OTOME GAMES TOO AHAHAHAH I LOVE THAT FOR US JHAJGJSGVH. Though, I've never actually played any voltage games! I'm more of a console otome gamer. ときめきメモリアルGS is the series that started it all...when the fourth game came out after an 11 eleven year hiatus I felt alive again. Also, 剣が君 is available on the JP switch eshop and it has a FREE TRIAL! It's super meaty too. If you have the time and interest, I def recommend playing the demo! Also undine I'm so sad. I bought an otome game on the English eshop because it was on sale and therefore cheaper than the Japanese one....but I can't play with JP text. I'm devastated. I didn't know this. I thought it would let me play in full Japanese but NOPE. English text baby. So, as I'm trying to kiss fictional hotties I am going to be constantly mentally correcting the subpar translations. I bought it months ago and I still haven't played it cause of this reason. WHAT HAVE I DONE!!

4. BABE FE3H IS MY MAIN FANDOM HAHAHAH. And yes that naming choice was bizarre. Just lacks any depth whatsoever that the original title had. Like three houses?? Are we talking fire emblem or the three little pigs fable here cause they too have three houses.

Oh fuck oh NO I JUST REALISED THE FE3H DLC INTRODUCES A *WOLF HOUSE* NOOOOOO AHAHHDSHFJFGJF. Man I guess the localisers took the name inspo from the three little pigs huh. It was literary ALLUSION!

(Also yes on JP to ENG title translation being whack as well!! Frozen to アナと雪の女王?? What a mouthful!)

Thanks for your lovely vibes and friendliness! You really make an introvert want to go off anon and reach out to you with a hesitant but genuine offer of friendship via DMs.....(and maybe one day I'll be brave enough to do so🥺 👉👈)

Have a good week! またね〜

In response to this post.

KEWPIE ANON MY DARLING HELLO 😍😍

You are always welcome in both my DMs and my askbox at whatever time you have the spoons for me, in whatever form is the most comfortable for you. I adore you and talking to you is the highlight of my life. I don't necessarily have the energy to answer asks promptly all the time, but I always get so excited when you visit that I have the energy and willpower to answer ASAP so I can make sure that you see it. (never mind that it takes me a long time to write because I am wordy,,,) I will always use the tag #kewpie anon when talking to you, so there's a surefire way to see anything I yell towards your direction. I might start just making posts with that tag @ you if I think of something I want to say. I've considered it. I also am not always the best at responding to DMs, but I'm sure that I'll actually be able to hold a timely conversation if it's with you.

1) My mom is the exact same way but with manga websites!! Right now we've both been using Manga Toro when she found it after Manga Hua went poof. Manga Hua/Toro have both been fantastic because they actually upload raw manga chapters in Japanese! The bad news is that the Japanese chapters haven't been uploaded in a while for the manga that we've been reading whereas the crappy English translations have 😭😭 I don't get it, isn't it so much easier to just upload the Japanese versions because you don't have to translate them???

We got a VPN to watch Japanese shows on Tver which has been nice, but we have not been successful in finding a way to watch 紅白 during お正月. We used to be able to watch it since we had TV JAPAN on our TV, and then we were able to find it uploaded somewhere but??? Not anymore. We tried doing paid subscriptions to some Japanese streaming sites but nooo you have to pay more to watch 紅白 and it's like jeez okay not worth it. We also used to watch Netflix Japan with it, but considering all of the bans that Netflix has been doing for people using VPNs, we've been laying low and have stopped doing that until that storm passes. And apparently hulu.jp is completely different from hulu.com in the US, so it's not even possible.

We've also been considering getting a Japanese Amazon Prime account since it's only like 5000円 for a full year, and then we get prime video, and I kinda wanna watch the Japanese Bachelor since 指原梨乃 is the MC for it and I love trashy reality TV.

OH BUT ALSO

we got like this chinese TV box thing??? I'm not actually sure what it is since my parents got it when I was away for college. But it's like this tiny little device that you connect to the wifi and to your TV via HDMI. It's all entirely in Chinese, but you know, it's possible to puzzle out what it says because it's super similar to kanji. Anyways, it's this thing that like... a bunch of anime, drama and movies uploaded to it so that you can watch it for free, in almost real time (it usually takes like a day or so to get the newest episode). It has a ton of shows and movies from not just Japan, but also China, Korea, India, all over the world, really and you can watch it for free. It also allows you to livestream channels from all over the world in real time, including all Japanese channels including the regional ones.

It's how I was able to watch あなたの番です　and 半沢直樹シーズン２ while it was coming out. It even had all of the hulu exclusive episodes!! It also has a ton of old dramas and movies too, including all the Ghibli movies, and all the クレヨンしんちゃん　movies.

The catch is: It's not always available in Japanese. Sometimes they only have a Chinese version, and it's impossible to turn off the Chinese subtitles. Also it doesn't have バラエティー unfortunately.

I can ask my parents about it if you want! My mom does a ton of research into these things and she was able to be fairly confident that it's not illegal in any way, but it sure is sketchy but really useful.

3) YES I LOVE 乙ゲー！I've never actually played them on my consoles (I'm a huge console gamer, but when I was younger my family had this really really weird rule of "you can only play video games during winter when dad is home from work". Which in theory was supposed to cut down on my gaming time and force me to play outside in summer, but all it really accomplished was that I did nothing but game in the winter when my dad was home and my mom got frustrated that we weren't doing things as a family and??? mom this is your own fault. Basically this is why I've never played them on my consoles; it's always been a me and dad thing when I was younger so it would've been SUPER weird). But I've heard SUCH good things about ときめも.

I'll definitely check out 剣が君!!! Super excited that it's on Switch.

Also on Switch is: スウィートルームで悪戯なキス, which is a Voltage game that goes on sale sometimes. It's not my favorite one, but hey if it's cheap on Switch I'm totally snatching it up. It's great and has a ton of content for a one time payment which is totally worth it!! Since you know, it does the thing where you have to purchase the 本編、 then the epilogue and the続編 are additional prices for their apps but you don't have to do that on the switch. It's a steal, honestly. And! You can play it in Japanese with the base game too, as long as your switch is in Japanese!!! The only downside is that although it has a ton of stuff and lets you follow the majority of the story, it doesn't have some of the later game stuff that I know the app does, but still, worth it imo.

BUT YES I TOTALLY FEEL YOU ON THE WHOLE JAPANESE LANGUAGE THING!! WHY AREN'T ALL GAMES WITH JAPANESE LANGUAGES ABLE TO PLAY IN JAPANESE????

I was actually crying about this a little while ago. I love playing games in the original language, and for certain games I even like playing them in English too (but I have to have the Japanese version too). I'm a huge Dragon Quest fan, and I have DQXI in English on my PS4, and the Japanese version on my 3DS. But I wanted to play DQXI S edition which is the complete edition and I thought hey I'll just buy the Switch version since I can play both! But no!!!!! Japanese version has to be bought separately???????? I want both but they're so expensive 😭 why are they doing this to us. Why??? This also happened with Great Ace Attorney and Super Famicon Detective Club too and I am so upset.

I want to play both languages, it's 2022 this should be possible! What's the point of having a region free console if you can't do that!! I'm betrayed, backstabbed, and left to expire. I was so excited that the Switch was region free, and this is how they betray me.

(but also I have two Wiis and two 3DSs, and multiple duplicate games on both so I can play the games in both languages (separately bought of course ;3;) so I guess it's getting a lil bit better,,,)

The best thing that ever happened in gaming history was the DS versions of the first 3 Ace Attorney games. They literally had a English version and a Japanese version on the game that you could switch between way back when we were still in the original DS era. It blew my childhood mind! And the Ace Attorney games are so clever and punny in both Japanese and English so it was absolutely amazing. More games need to do that 💔

also that bs about having Japanese voice acting but not the Japanese text??? absolutely criminal, have both you monsters.

English-speakers usually talk about how OTT anime/game dialogue is, or like how English translated otome games are so cringey but like... That's not the source material's fault. I feel like the Japanese language lends itself much better to more dramatic phrasings both culturally and linguistically and it sounds really natural in Japanese, though even the most accurate English translation sounds way too much.

Once I went through and translated some of my otome games for a friend because I was like "i love these games and you're going to love them with me", and it was relaly hard because like... The lines just wouldn't land in English. One example that really sticks out to me is this line in Voltage's bodyguard game. The stoic older man love interest was like 「私は大丈夫です。男ですから。」And it makes so much sense in Japanese, both language-wise and culture-wise because there's a more rigid gender roles and stuff, but translated into English I was like ????? this is not capturing this love interest's hotness.

4) I haven't played FE:3H in Japanese because I played it through with my extremely American, doesn't know how to speak Japanese boyfriend. I got burned out on playing it through because I was the one who grinded those extra battles to level, and got through the beginning Academy part after we beat the game the first time so he could just play through the second half of each route (to be fair, it was on my switch so he couldn't do that for me) but once I manage to recuperate from that I'm definitely planning to try it out in Japanese!

What's your favorite route on it?

My boyfriend and I started on the Black Eagles house and played through Crimson Flower for our very first playthrough, so we're pretty diehard Black Eagles supporters. Hubert is extremely underrated and he's our favorite character. He kinda resembled my boyfriend visually in some ways with the hair and the deepset eyes, so one of our dream cosplays is Edelgard and Hubert.

Initially my boyfriend was very anti-Dimitri/Claude but he ended up coming around on Dimitri and liking him a lot after we played through Blue Lions and we loved that one too. We haven't completed the Church of Seiros route or the Golden Deer route (I had grinded through the Academy part and burnt out. We recently tried to get back to it but realized we remember so little about everything and how to play so we're trying to start from the very beginning), and he's still very anti-Claude but then I was like "You hated Dimitri at first too, but then you liked him after we played through his story so you're going to like Claude too, you're just being judgmental" and he agreed so. I wish we could just speed through the process of playing it because from what little I know happens in the Golden Deer route, it sounds WILD and I'm so interested in seeing what happens in the lore...

I hope you have a wonderful week too kewpie anon, thanks so much for stopping by! I'll be looking forward to the next time you're able to drop an ask 🥰😘😍😊

[natromanxoff]

I am sure many of you have already read this one but here are some parts from Ash Alexander’s Queen journey for those who haven’t!

“...At some point in early At some point in early 1983 on a visit to Jacky at the QFC, John Deacon wondered into the office. He came into the basement office and said hello as Jacky introduced me, sat down and spent a little time reading through press clippings. He could easily have slipped away back upstairs, but the fact that he stayed was a nice touch.

Another fan club letter arrived with good news. In Another fan club letter arrived with good news. In November 1983, fan club members were invited to help in a video for the new single 'Radio Ga Ga' at Shepperton Studios. Again, my Mum stepped up and drove me down for the day. I took the day off school and had just turned 14. We arrived at the studio and were ushered into a huge hanger where we were kitted out with white body suits and then sprayed with a light grey stripe on each arm - even now I’m not sure what the spray paint was for as you can’t see it in the video. When we had all been prepared, we were taken into an adjoining hanger and were greeted by the band and an initial play through of the song. The rest of the day was spent clapping as you’ll see in the video. I wound up in the front row, opposite Brian. If you look closely and you know what you’re looking for, you can see me!

In between takes, I approached John Deacon who was surprisingly on his own. I remember trying to remain calm as I approached him. I didn’t mention our brief meeting, I asked him how to get a job in recording studios and that I was interested in pursuing a career as a sound engineer. He was really helpful and took time to explain the usual route.

On 22, March 1984 at Limehouse Studios in London’s docklands, the video for ‘I Want To Break Free’ was filmed, again with the help of fan club members. I went along with my brother Andrew. The set was a big dark staircase that we all stood on. We were given black bodysuits this time that were sprouted with hello paint on the arms. We also wore a hard hat with a head lamp attached to it. The band were set in the middle of us all. After all the filming, we returned to the main building where we said hello to Roger. He’d come out to say thanks. Later, waiting for a cab down in reception, Freddie glided down the staircase and past us with his entourage. I remember wanting to get up and say thanks, but the opportunity was missed.

...20th April 1992. My friend Chesney Hawkes was managed by Trinifold. They also managed The Who. He invited me along to the Freddie Mercury Tribute gig at Wembley. Roger Daltry was appearing and Ches had a spare ticket. He only had one backstage pass though. This was overcome by him befriending the chap on the security door. Ches came out to meet me with his pass. He returned on his own and got in. I confidently flashed my pass and entered the Hard Rock tented area. Ches beckoned me over from the other side of the room. He was signing autographs for a lady, her two children and an older lady was with them. He introduce me to them saying I was a huge Queen fan. ‘This is Freddie’s mother' he whispered to me. I remember saying to her that I wish we’d met under different circumstances and how deeply sorry I was about her loss and how incredibly proud she should be. I often wonder about her.

...In Spring 1993, I was in front office. It was well after midnight and I’d left a s session for a little break. As usual, I took a look in the studio diary to see what was coming up. I flicked through the weeks and came upon an booking entry “Studio 3 - QUEEN” for 2 weeks that was pencilled in. There was no further info than that. I put my initials next to the booking thinking there would be a rational explanation as to what the booking really was. I soon found myself on a 2 week session with Queen.My diary from 1993 is lost, so I have only a mental note as to when & what songs were touched upon at this initial stage of 'Made In Heaven'. We started taking delivery of various multitrack tapes on varied formats. These were then transferred to digital 48 track tapes for future work. Roger & John were alone on these sessions as Brian was touring in Japan. I remember Roger being rather dismissive of Brian being unavailable, much like a brother sledging his sibling would do, with a slightly jealous edge but genuine at the same time.

...Over the 2 week session, Roger would suggest we went out for dinner. We had 3 or 4 meals out at a local Italian restaurant. Even now I laugh at jumping into the back of Roger’s Merc and the four of us driving down Abbey Road to the restaurant. It was owned by an Italian lady that would force you to smell her ‘wonderful mushrooms’ from a jar, which she made Roger do. On our initial meal she told Roger he looked familiar. ‘I know you’, she said. ‘Where have I seen you before?’ ‘Well, I’m in a band and we’ve been on TV before.’ Roger replied. John seemed calm with his lack of recognition. ‘What group do you play for?’ she asked. ‘I’m the drummer in a rock n roll band called Queen’ he replied. ‘No - I don’t hear of this band’ …We finished our food and the bill was called for. It showed up. John took it and asked Roger if he should use the Queen card to pay for it or his own card.

Roger’s drum kit arriving half way through the first week of sessions was a surprise for Noel Harris (the engineer) & me. We expected the sessions to be playing back tapes and working through the various formats to find possible material to be worked on at a later date. Noel was unfamiliar with the room in studio 3 and asked my opinion where to set the kit up and what microphones I would use. Eventually he left me to it. The kit was positioned and I mic’d it up that evening. John had his red Fender bass DI’d (no amp was used) and sat with us in the control room. I doubt these recordings made it through to the final mixes, it’s nice to think that they did.

...Tuesday 5th September

During the afternoon Brian’s guitar and a Vox AC30 appeared in the studio, brought in by Pete Malandrone. We were to do guitar overdubs on ‘You Don't Fool Me’. David asked me to put two Shure 421 microphones pointing into the back of the speaker cabinet. We did have two SM57’s on the front but these weren’t used in the recording.

I had to do a recall of the mix, which meant noting all of the studio outboard settings so we could get back to the mix and finish it off.

We had a technical problem with the Sony 3348 tape machine and eventually had it swapped for a new one. Brian clearly wasn’t aware we weren’t ready for him. I was half way through telling him and Jim Beach jumped in and finished off my explanation. Brian got really cross with him and slammed an empty coffee mug down on the studio table. Later Brian was so apologetic for his outburst. He must have told Jim he was sorry 4 times. As I type this I note it was Freddie’s birthday.

Brian slipped on his guitar that was linked to his amp with one lead. No pedals. His sound was instant and we were soon ready to record. He stood in front of the console in the control facing David & me.

Brian had an idea of what he wanted to play. The guitar riff had already been recorded. The solo guitar is what was added. Brian used a scrap of paper that he drew a map of dots on. Not like musical notation but his own short hand. It reminded me of being at the 'Radio Ga Ga' video shoot 13 years earlier. I was the same distance from Brian as I was then, but the scenario was beyond my imagination.

...Friday 8th September

Day Off - I may have met Pete Malandron at the Sun Inn in Barnes this afternoon. The QIFC was based round the corner at the time & Brian had a house there too, although I'm not sure he lived there at the time. I was with a friend and Pete joined us in the pub. He sat near the window and kept looking out of it. I asked what he was looking at and he replied "I always get worried when I'm out with Brian's guitar. It's in the boot of the car you see." He stayed for one drink and decided it was time to leave.

...One of the evenings of this second week, George Michael came to visit. There was a strong possibility that he would sing on one of the songs. Roger, John, Brian, David, George & I sat chatting in the control room. One of the conversations moved onto the Beatles and their current 'best of' release. I think Brian suggested that it was a bad idea releasing all their old material and I piped up that the fans would buy it regardless, much like the scenario Queen were about to face with the imminent release of the album. There was a deathly hush as I realised what I was saying. I wasn’t being at all derogatory. I was helped out of the hole I was digging by George who agreed with me and we moved on. No one actually spoke about doing a vocal. After George left the studio that evening, Roger was clear that he wasn’t keen on the idea.After looking through the Vintage Car garage across the road from the studio one afternoon, Roger saw a black Cadillack convertible that he quite liked. The following morning he came into the studio and said ‘Don’t tell Jim, but I bought the car.’ It was £80, 000.

Brian asked me if had been involved in the Abbey Road Sessions. Perhaps he’d seen my name on the tape boxes. I said that I was. Immediately he made a phone call. I didn’t hear all that he said, but I knew it was about a special thanks on the album credits. The following morning, after the artwork had been finalised, Roger came in and said ‘morning Aardvark’. Because the special thanks were alphabetic, I was on top of the list. It wasn’t until I bought a copy of the album and saw my name on it that I finally took on board that I had actually achieved one of my dreams.”

[sardonic-courtney]

Crowley x Reader. We Met Before. P3/7

Summary: You end up living with Bobby after your parents die. You go to church and meet Priest Crowley and you end up getting along (if you know what i mean). A few years later when Bobby passes you move the the bunker with Sam and Dean and end up meeting Crowley again.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Warnings: Mention of loss, Spelling mistakes, you go to church?

Around 2500 words.

Let’s Get Coffee.

“Yay thank you” You yelled heading up the stairs to get changed…

Training went well, although you didn’t really do much. Bobby who was still reluctant helped you to shoot inanimate objects and some basic hand to hand combat with no weapons, because in his words “you won’t always have a weapon on you so that’s the best place to start.” You are pretty sure it’s just because he is buying time before the brothers come into town so they can deal with the more athletic training. Not because Bobby wasn’t good, he was but he was quite impatient and not the best Teacher.

Time Skip to the Next Saturday Night brought to you by Juliet.

The last week consisted of a few training lessons here and there, you were starting to get really good with a gun, and to Bobby’s ‘luck’ he did some blade training and you actually weren’t half bad. Right now, you were eating takeaway, 8pm, on the sofa with Bobby watching some old tv show.

“So kid, Winchesters are coming round tomorrow. Want me to pick you up from church to save you walking so you can see the two idjits sooner, I know you miss them”. He said emphasising miss in a teasing manor.

“Oh yeah soo much” You replied rolling your eyes. “But no, I’m good, I’m actually going out after for some coffee”.

“So, you and Lena finally meeting outside of church?”

“Nope”

“Wait so who are you meeting with then? A new boyfriend of yours? If so, I want to meet him first.”

“What? No, I’m not completely sure, just a group of us meeting up after church.”

“What do you mean you don’t know. Who asked you? That old woman that lives next to the church because if so, I wouldn’t go she will just talk everyone’s ear of about her cats”

“No, the Priest actually just to share ideas about the bible after.”

“Right well err have a good time?” He replied unsure

“Thanks Bobby I’m gonna head up now and sort everything out and go to bed”

“Don’t use up all my water, I’ll see you after your coffee, call me if you want a lift.”

“will do, night”

“Night kid.”

*Beep Beep* Your alarm read 8:30 Sunday. You go up and got showered and dressed. You opted for an outfit which made you look good but it was still simple and casual, whether you were trying a bit harder because you were seeing Crowley or because the boys were coming you wouldn’t say. You grabbed an easy snack and decided to take the scenic route as you had 30 minutes to get there and you didn’t want to wait around. You arrived exactly at 9:32 and waited a few minutes before walking in, no sign of Lena anywhere, strange. Your seats however remained empty, so you sat once again on the seconded row back. Just as you received a message.

Lena- Sorry my mums not feeling well so I’ve had to take my brother to football. Hope service is good.

(Y/N)- No problem, have fun at football.

You replied before muting your phone and sliding it away just as Crowley came out.

“Good Morning…………………………………Thank you all for coming. Bless you all and I shall see you next week.”

Looking up at the clock reading 10:30, everyone stood up and headed out the door, you however being unsure of where you were going for coffee waited at the end of the pew, letting other passed. You didn’t really focus on the topic at hand but hoped you could blag your way through the teachings of rich man and Lazarus. As everyone left Crowley once again was behind you smiling.

“(Y/N) how are you?”

“Hi, I’m good thank you, how are you doing?” you reply, once again you feel strangely flustered.  

“Better now that’s over and we can go get coffee.”

“Oh yeah about that where are we meeting?”

“I was thinking the little café down 3 blocks over. Small and easy to find a table.”

“Mrs Wolowitz’s?”

“Yes, That’s it”

“I think I know the way; well you better go, and I’ll meet you guys there” You say about to head off.

“I’m sorry love, you must be mistaken I meant just the two of us. If that’s alright”

“Yeah no sorry that more the fine, I just assumed.” You stuttered out. You hadn’t meant to jump to a conclusion but that seemed more likely then just you two going out for coffee. Alone in a small café. Damn it (Y/N) stop thinking again.

“Do you want to follow me in my car? In case you get lost?”

“Oh um.” You awkwardly laughed. “I actually walk here so I’ll get it up on my phone”

“No, no don’t be stupid you’re going in my car.”

“I wouldn’t want to intrude”

“No come on let’s go.”

The car ride was short and pretty much silent but not awkward. You were nervous but also happy you weren’t going to be stuck with a bunch of old Christians arguing about meanings. Before you got out the car, he took his clerical collar of leaving him in a normal black shirt. You got out, got a table and ordered your drinks, and reluctantly allowed Crowley to pay.

“So, Y/N how did you find todays service?” Crowley asked looking straight at you for an answer.

“Oh um, it was good” you replied suddenly feeling nervous and unsure of how to answer. You were sat in a café, with an attractive Pastor whose stare seemed to go straight through you.

“Anything to add? Any views on the passage?” Crowley said seeming slightly distracted.

“Not really no. Sorry maybe you start an idea and I’ll add?”

“I don’t really have any either, well to be honest with you I would rather get to know you then your views on the bible.”

“Me?” you smiled, this just got better now it’s apparent you probably aren’t going to be sat discussing the bible over the next half hour or so.

“Yes you” he replied a small smile resting on his lips.

“Well what do you want to know?” you didn’t really know what sort of thing to tell him so thought it best to just ask.

“Well how about we play a game?”

“A game?”

“Yes, a game, you know an activity one engages in for fun?” his smile turning slightly into a smirk.

“Oh, thanks I didn’t know what a game was, what sort of game?”

“I ask a question and you ask one back?” he paused “if you would like, if you wanted to sit around and talk about bibles, we could ask biblical ones”

“No normal questions are fine; you can start since I don’t know what games are” you say sarcastically.

Just then the waiter came and delivered your drinks, nodding his head slightly at your companion before he left. You took a sip of your drink as Crowley moved on; this wasn’t what you though this evening would be but it’s definitely an improvement.

“If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go?”

“(Y/A) {your answer}”

“Why?”

“It just seems perfect. I could see myself walking around and just admiring everything there you know?”

“Well hopefully one day you’ll go.” Crowley took a sip of his steaming drink and returned to looking at you. Really looking at you, it was weird, like he was genuinely interested in what you were saying. “I’ve been a few times and I must say the {landmark} is beautiful to visit.”

“One day I will see it, anyway you seem like you’ve been to loads of places where have you been?”

“Pretty much everywhere, I do enjoy travelling.”

“wow, I wish” you sigh out.

“Do you travel?”

“Not really, when I was younger me and my parents would move around America but that stopped a while ago.”

“Oh, how come?”

“They died so I moved in with my godfather and haven’t left town since, I know if he could we would go but he needs to stay here for work and everything and now I’m blabbing on again sorry.” You said it more as a fact mentally ready for the normal oh I’m sorry and what happened and are you okay to come.

“No don’t apologise I’m interested and I’m sorry to hear about them but your godfather sounds like a good man, and maybe one day you can travel again, maybe even the world, what do you plan on being in the future?”

“Definitely the plan, and I’m not sure yet. What about you have you always dreamed of being a pastor?”

“No, definitely not. I’m only a substitute pastor anyway if there’s such a thing.”

“what do you do then when you’re not?”

“I guess you could say I’m a businessman, I mainly make deals and such.”

“oh, is that why you always travel?” You say looking down at your drink and sipping.

“Exactly why my job requires a lot of popping to places. Now if you will humour me, I’m curious, you go to church but don’t seem completely religious, is that so?”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t mean to offend you, but I notice you zoning out during teaching and you just seem… I don’t know how to put it.”

“Well if I’m honest I’m not sure about it really. The whole believing in God thing. I mean I’m sure he’s there, but I don’t think there’s much he can do.”

“So why go?”

“Well my mum used to always take me and well it makes me feel closer to her, I’m sorry if that offends you.”

“Not at all, not at all” he said a slight smirk on his face again.

This was weird, not in a bad way but weird. As the time passed, he started to become even less like a pastor and more like a friend. You continued sharing random stories finding out how he grew up in Scotland and all about his random like and dislikes. He was a nice guy and you no longer felt nervous. Time went by and you both ordered another drink. Now your cups were sitting empty and you were discussing what the best era would be to live through, when your phone beeps.

12:51

Bobby: Hey, hows the discussions going, what time do you think your going to leave I dont know if I can deal with them alone any longer and theyve only been here 3 hours as it is.

You: oh, sorry I didn’t realise the time, um ill finish my drink and leave soon. Tell them I say hi.

You slid your phone into you pocket and looked back up at Crowley. Wow you had been sat talking for over two hours.

“Everything okay?” he asked

“Yeah everything is fine just didn’t realise the time. Sorry I’m going to have to go in a minuet I have guests over and completely forgot.”

“No problem, would you like a lift back?”

“I can walk it’s fine.”

“Please at least let me drop you of at the church, I need to pick up some things there anyway.”

“Okay.”

With that the two of you got back into his car and arrived back at the church both getting out and standing in the completely deserted parking lot.

“Thank you for the lift, and the drinks.” You smiled checking you had everything and looking up at him.

“No problem I had a good time, and maybe if you would like I could get your number and we could do it again sometime, get to know each other a bit more, maybe over some food.”

If you didn’t know any better it would sound like a date offer, in fact part of you wishes it had been but pastors don’t date, do they?

“Yeah sounds good today was fun.” You grab your phone pulling up your number.

“I’m sorry that may not have been clear enough” he said looking at your phone and entering your number into his. “I was referring to going out on a date.”

“But you’re a priest?” you blurt out before thinking. Mentally slapping your head.

“A substitute priest love, and like you I don’t hold religion too close to my heart” he said chuckling and putting his phone away.

“Well in that case that sounds great. I better start heading back but text me.”

“I will, safe walk home, if you’re sure you don’t want a lift.”

“I’m sure, goodbye Crowley”

“Goodbye Y/N”

And with that you left. What just happened?

*Times Skip Home*

You walk through the door into the lounge greeted with the boys and bobby drinking beers and talking, coming to a halt when you walked in.

“Y/N, hey how have you been” Sam asks looking up at you smiling. Before you could answer Dean butted it.

“Y/N Bobby here tells us you’ve been out talking about the bible, please tell me you haven’t it’s like half one.”

“Nice to see you to Dean, and no I haven’t I met with a friend. I’m great thank you Sam, how are you?” you reply going to sit down before realising a pair of legs in the way. “Deans move your legs”

Reluctantly he swung them over the coffee table allowing you to sit down.

“Good thank you” you’re not sure if Sam would have continued but bobby spoke up.

“A friend? You said you were meeting with a group of you, lying, now are we?”

“what? No, I just got a bit confused we were going to talk about the service but we got distracted. But what’s more important is what you two have been up to.” You reply casually leaving out the fact you had spent the last two hours with a male and had half planned a date.

“No, what’s more important is you are 18. And we have something for you.” Sam said poking his head around Dean.

“Sammy’s right Dean said pulling something out his duffle bag. It was neatly wrapped and slightly battered around the edges. Sam definitely wrapped it.

“Guys you shouldn’t have.” You said unwrapping it. At first you saw a leather-bound book. It was bound with a rope wrapped around and decorated with a light house on the front.

“Open it up (Y/N/N)” Sam said.

Unwinding the rope, you opened it up to find postcards and pictures from the boys, all in Sam’s writing.

“We, well I thought you could have a journal to note down anything you want its always good to have one. The postcards and stuff are from each of the places me and Dean have been. We knew you wanted to go, and you always want to here stories so I thought it would be a good way to make it seem like you were there.”

“Sam it perfect thank you so much.” You stood up and hugged him before taking a seat back down noticing Dean had a scruffier package in his hand.

Accepting it and opening it Dean began.

“I’m not as thoughtful as Sam but I saw this, and thought would like it.”

It was a rope necklace with a stone on the end. Under the stone was a small piece of card with a handwritten message explaining the stones properties of protection and healing. You read it and put it on twiddling the stone in your fingers (You can change stone to your liking).

“It’s beautiful Dean thank you very much” you say leaning over to hug him.

“I’m glad” he says pulling back smiling.

The evening goes on, you order food and joke with each other, Bobby leaving to go to bed and the three of you falling asleep sprawled out on the couch and armchair around 11pm

Wow that was long and mainly build up, but don’t worry romance will be in the next one.  I hope you enjoyed this though, thanks for reading.