jpoaulransahl

[jpoaulransahl]

#17

535 days, 14 hours, 59 minutes. i am back, same as always. how've you been? like old friends passing each other in a corridor. this is a one way relationship. i speak and you listen. i have created you to be my safe space in life. a lot's happened since we last spoke. being under the false impression that i was not troubled enough to come back here, i have realised that i should have been back here long ago.

Every year of college i've had some mental anchors weighing me down and significantly impacting my performances. it is something that i take very seriously, my performance. the team this year looks very promising, and i am keen to be a part of it. my left knee and hip have been giving me pain making my progress in the sport much hindered. however what is more damaging to my play was and is my mental state.

I have always been insecure about how i play, and tend to rate myself very lowly in comparision with my peers. it is partly due to my supposed humility but majorly due to the fact that i never played for the school team. weirdly enough, a junior of mine, same school, same predicament, but look at him and he's more confident as ever. Perhaps i can learn a thing or two from him.

My work ethic and ambition always has been there. Trials had been held for the newly arrived batch, and some of the players that have arrived are pretty good. however, i had a shit trial. i was underconfident and sometimes unlucky. but playing with a recovering injury and a very poor mentality (likely stemming from my introversion). After a point in the game i just gave up, became casual in the way i played. almost became hopeless, and when the game ended, i became furious with my performance and conduct, setting a poor example for upcoming players.

A short term decision made in this rage made me walk up to the captain and announce that i'm quitting. two other teammates were very nice to me in reaffirming what they saw me which i found very sweet. the captain to my surprise did not say much.

however later on he spoke to me on call, and saw what problems he saw in me. some of my teammates wished to play like i did. i fell off. i am more than good enough. but my mentality holds me back. that's why i'm back. you will help me to get up and stand tall. who's to say what i won't achieve this year. as they say in the shawshank redemption, you can either live life living or dying.

next time i'm will attempt to list times when i played very well. i'm glad to have you back. see you soon.

[jpoaulransahl]

#16

i return.

that's the bio for my new instagram id which i have created after realising how left out, alienated i felt. i don't feel those emotions anymore but now i fear my social media use will skyrocket. i enjoy posting my own memes on this account and they have been met with great reception.

it's been exactly 50 days since i was last here, a lot has happened

one of my seniors at college likes how i play so he got me in his club which is playing in one of the best leagues in my city. i am yet to produce a memorable performance but i think that day is coming closer and closer.

i have realised my self hatred is no longer existent and that i don't need to run from physical contact anymore. i do sometimes feel like i've found happiness, not just when i'm looking at pretty sunsets or when i save an absolute worldie in a football match but also when i'm climbing stairs or just walking. i feel like i'm a lot more grateful now. i'm starting to like these mirrors. i'm still as socially anxious and it does affect my performances on the pitch and my self esteem.

i have found some people i really am fond of, at college, who don't make me feel more lonely than i already am. among them, there is a girl i like. i dont think i've ever felt better about love. it's more than just an infatuation. i'm doing well with her and i think the feeling is mutual. i still don't know if i should ask her or not. maybe she's just being friendly. i don't know. but my cheeks remain rosy. and pink blossoms stand tall in my head. i do fear she's already dating or has dated a friend before but we'll figure it all out.

my previously sucidal friend is still not doing well, from the looks of it. i really hope he gets better. to see the cuts on his forearm breaks my heart. i wish i was more vocal about my fondness of him. i'll do so much to see him glad

i got another gig, i get to teach a 4 year old football. i should be paying them for this. i absolutely love football and so do i kids. it's fantastic. and he's marvellously cute. his birthday is fast approaching and i don't know what to get him.

exams are soon approaching and i might fail statistics at this rate but i'm studying and am confident. don't you worry, we'll be there.

i have fallen out of a friendship as well. he started smoking. i understand he had a breakup but to blame the girl on his new addiction was wrong. i remember him since a long time. we go long back. both him and i go so long back. but i can't let nostalgia be a part of a something that should be amputated. he's going down and i don't wanna stick around for that. he's become toxic. he still is not taking any responsibility for any of his actions or mistakes and gets defensive when one tries to let him know. his best friend (also my ex) has tried a lot and it's taken a toll on her. she's trying to distance herself from him now. i hope she feels better. as for this friend i've almost let go, i hope something makes him change his ways.

time is a beautiful thing, cruel to some and a boon to others. i feel like i have made it. i'm still a student and don't have a job-job but i have made it. i feel fulfilled. all my insecurities and problems make me me but that's no excuse for me to stay the same way. i will change for the better, and when you'll be reading this, maybe 3 days, 17 days, 5 months or 17 years later, you'll see how time would have eroded you. how there are wrinkles on your forehead and hand and your youthful stride has retired.

[jpoaulransahl]

#15

no, today i am not feeling an extreme emotion but i'm gonna be listing my code

like omar from the wire says "a man gotta have a code"

no pornography: i had stayed away from that until i hit 18 and was somewhat sad and that's when a friend said that it helps with anxiety and depression. and so i started watching porn. idk how for how long i watched porn but i realised how corrupt this was making me and it made my mental health even worse. after a few relapses i quit porn but that desire was still there. then i went for animated/cartoon porn thinking it was less damaging but soon i quit that too. i haven't watched porn since a long long while and i never will again. for the sake of me and my loved ones.

no piracy: i absolutely love movies. like porn, i used to watch many movies on pirated sites but now i've completely stopped. i appreciate the art too much to steal it off and i want someone to make money off their art. now, of course the marginal income made by me staying away from piracy is negligible for multi million movie studios and rich movie stars, but piracy goes across my values.

no lying: not truly correct, i understand there are times where you just have to lie but i minimize lying. if i'm lying to my loved ones, or to myself than where do i stand? lying only complicates life and my conscience stays clean this way. it's better to be honest to people because that way they know they can trust you.

no phones when with friends: if i need to use my phone with my friends to be entertained then what's even the point?

kindness: not being rude and lashing out at someone who does not deserve so as well as being nice to people. it's not cool to be rude or discourteous but i understand i may be seen as discourteous because of my very shy nature.

no honking: ride/drive always patiently and not honk like a brat and also never break traffic rules such as riding on the wrong way, cutting corners as well as breaking traffic lights until and unless there's an ambulance wanting to go through.

there are more but i'm gonna update them as i realise

[jpoaulransahl]

#14

i have been putting this off quite long and kept running away from this feeling but i think that's not a good thing to do and hence here i am to divulge.

i hate my father. i don't know if it's a guy thing, to hate your father, but i feel like i really do. let's be clear here - i am grateful for his guidance so that i could get into a good college. and i also remember the fact that he forced to me go to a football camp when i was 7 and i just fell in love with the game. it's a shame he's not truly a person who i want to become like.

i kept invalidating what i felt about him but something happened that made me confirm what i felt. he raised his hand on my mother. he did it for the first time a few months back when they were arguing. i thought that maybe that could have been a one time event; maybe he lost control but he did it again yesterday. i reacted too late as he dragged my mother into a room. that too, in front of my mum's mum. how painful is it for you to see your kid get physically threatened and dragged off the arm by the man you chose for her to get married to?

i'm too chicken to say anything to him but i will break out of that bubble soon enough. my mum has suffered enough. i see her in pain and i do nothing. my grandma says my mom should not answer back when arguing with my dad. i don't agree, i think the wife should always have a right to argue and show the husband where he's lacking or what he could have done better. and even if my mom says some inflammatory stuff no one can justify using physical power to hit her.

it's been a marriage of 22 years and they seem more immature than ever. i remember when as young children me and my brother would get scolded for fighting "like kids". now it's the other way around except me and my brother used to actually listen. the one positive i can take from this is that i will never be a father or a husband like this.

he's paying my college fees and i get to live in his home and he pays our expense but he can't buy me. i am under no moral pressure to not hate him anymore. my mother has suffered a lot to be in this marriage. she stayed and took care of us as my father worked overseas for a while, she silently took shit from her mother-in-law and sister-in-law and now is getting hit by my father.

i really want to report him, but with that he might lose everything - including his home, car, job, reputation, family and i would leave me, my mother and my brother with nothing. my mother would certainly hate me. so would my grandmas.

the most likely outcome is that my mum decides just to shut up during arguments, and no hand being raised on her and me perhaps clinging to my hate for my dad forever.

anyway you shall find out.

[jpoaulransahl]

#13

i remember saying that there's nobody in college that makes me want to go there but today i could say i felt the total opposite. i seem to have made some friends today. one of them is of course the one with whom i share a love for movies. a few days back, she was alone with me during a break. she could have been in so many other places rather than with me but she chose me and seemed to enjoy my company. very much mutual, indeed. that's the day she seemed to cement her place in my world.

today was another routine talk with her about the movies during the break but with a small difference. another friend of hers joined in. i made conversation with her. she is really really pretty, by the way. i don't like-like her, i think but its either way nice to make a new friend. while riding out of college she waved to me and i nodded my head and that was it. on my way back home i recreated that nod and that smile i gave her reliving the moment.

coming back home, i went back to the same area after a few hours since i had a match. i played well apparently and have found my place in the A team of our college for an upcoming 5-a-side tournament. but that's the not main point. after the match, the boys sat under the shade and started smoking a cigarrette. i hate cigarettes and so i walked away, staying a few metres away but avoiding the smoke. one of the girls(who's probably dating one of the guys) walked up to me on her own and make conversation with me. it's amazing how much effort some people make. i wish something amazing happens in her life soon.

lastly, i spoke to one of my batchmates after the game as well and although i only made small talk, today was a step in the right direction. i look toward tomorrow with a gleam of hope in my eyes.

i don't quite know why most friends i've made in college are females but maybe that's because most females are extroverted and males tend to be in their own world mostly. i'm sure you all have theories. but i'm glad to have someone to say hey to when i walk in college or in class.

i also have immense social anxiety, in case i haven't specified this before.

[jpoaulransahl]

#12

when i realised i would be a guaranteed starter for my college football team, i was immensely glad. and when the college kits arrived, i was overcome with a sudden rush of pride. but that was not the end of the journey, simply the start.

the first match we played in this kit was a friendly and also our first 11v11 match. previously we only played on smaller grounds. and this match was catastrophic. we don't even know how many goals we conceded. it was somewhere around 15-17. the guys we played against were older and much more used to playing on this ground but that's no excuse for our disastrous performance.

this 11v11 match was played just a few days before the commencement of the tournament i've spoken about previously. the team we were about to face first was the host of this tournament and had scored 16 goals and conceded 0 in their last two matches. it was obvious what was about to happen. we lost 7-0 but we must be proud of the way we played. a few players who disrespected us were dealt with. our defence played okay and some goals were unstoppable. for our first professional outing, it was a apparently decent showing.

the next match was a do-or-die and we started very strong. scoring withing seconds of the kick off. however we lost the lead twice to end at the half time 2-2. both of the goals we conceded were penalties. their players were aggresive and i matched their aggression. i have a frail body but what matters is standing up as soon as you fall down and challenging for the ball. i did everything so well. but because of this rough tackling, i injured my knee and had to come off. thinking the tournament had rolling subs i thought i'd come on if i felt i could continue. i thought wrong. we conceded two more goals to lose 4-2. credit to the opponent. i suppose we could have done better, or that if my knee was okay i wouldn't have had to watch the team lose from the sidelines but things are the way they are. we were knocked out of our first tournament but there are a lot of positives we as a team can take from this outing and that i as an individual can take.

the thing i would say makes me most glad is how i've been managing my temperament. during the second match the crowd noticed that their team also had a player with my name which is why after the match they started to taunt me. i actually found it funny and i didn't show any expression. i've stopped lashing out on people and i'm glad about that.

anyway i think i will write another post for today. i hope to win a tournament one day. but maybe i'm speaking a bit ahead of myself. i haven't even scored yet. i will, soon, in another tournament coming up.

[jpoaulransahl]

#11

After a brief hiatus I've come back.

I'm sitting on my vehicle in my college's parking but my mind wanders. I feel detached here. There's no one who makes me want to come here. I feel nothing here. And this is not a critisism of this institute, it's faculty or my batchmates. But everything feels bland.

There's people i say hi to but it's all superficial. I don't know why we do so much for. I don't quite get it. It's absurd riding the same route everyday. It's absurd sitting through the same boring lecture everyday. It's some sort of alienation i feel. I don't know if things change or that you just get used to them.

Don't misunderstand me, i don't feel sad. And that sadness hasn't come since a long while. But it's seemingly been replaced with this feeling. And whether it's a good thing or bad is for me to decide after a while in retrospect.

I'm sure you'll know.

[jpoaulransahl]

#10

about 20 hours ago, i had one of the best days of my life. i always supported argentina. of course i tried lying to myself and looking at the other nations like spain and netherlands but i always had an eye out for them. but the love was always there.

the copa america win brought me and millions others to tears. the goal, the pass made over the defence and the continuous toiling to keep brazil at bay made that match to keep my anxieties high. when the referee finally, messi fell to his knees as his teammates surrounded him. the relief i felt was crazy. as i sighed all anxiety i had weathered for the entire 95 minutes was ejected into outer space. this world cup, argentina were touted as favourites. i, proceeded with caution however, since the same happened in 2014, which was a lot more painful than 2018. i watch every match of the campaign live. the plundering loss against saudi arabia to the edge-of-the-seat final against france.

this match was screened live, and i watched it with the ones i play football with. i must admit, i never liked them very much. some of them, yes, but the others i can't stand. that screening brought us together. i put my differences aside and hugged a year's worth. once the match was over i saw two people crying - both for the very contrasting reasons. as the final penalty was scored, in what for me is the best final of all time, we erupted in euphoria which walked into total celebration. i had a 7 year old kid on my shoulders and we jumped and chanted and went total hooligan. it wouldn't have been the same if the match wasn't so damn competitive. all the anxiety, tears, looming uncertainity was ultimately worth it. for me at least.

the ones supporting france probably don't feel the same. sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. i guess, that's very much like life. sometimes everything you put in is worth it, sometimes not. to see that kid happy as he was, to see a couple of my friends dejected, to see a group of people simply get together because of sport, just tells you about the power of sport.

i have finally realised that i can feel happy sober. and that there's no requirement to have drugs or alcohol just to feel something. i don't need to be abusing my own masturbation either. and my never-before-mentioned resolve to abstain from drugs or alcohol and regulate the other part is only been strengthened.

i don't know what the meaning to life is and perhaps there's no such meaning to life. but yesterday it didn't feel like so. i know i can die happy. my idol messi has completed football. i'd do anything to see him excel and to see my friends happy.

i hope you never let go of these resolves. this might've been the best december of my life.

[jpoaulransahl]

#9

had a football match today. call it a friendly. played for my college against a neighbouring one. i bet you wanna know how it went. it was bad. i came home very angry at myself. this was just a friendly and in a while we're supposed to play in a tournament.

let's start by discussing my faults. i was positioning myself very well. but when recieving the pass my first touch let me and more importantly my team down. i think we conceded two goals because of that. the second fault is that i am too weak. no just mentally, but also physically. kept getting shrugged off the ball. i gotta be stronger, gotta be able to resist the pushes and the shoves and gotta maintain my balance if i want myself to play well. lastly, i hate myself for not being vocal at all. i am standing in the best possible position but the guy doesn't pass to me; not because he's selfish but because he doesn't know i'm there. it is important not to go down a spiral of self hate here. can't keep pushing myself down again and again. here's some of the things i did okay. one, i set up two or three assists. i've a knack of setting people up to score and i can find gaps in defences. two, my pressures. i won't say i'm the best in the world when pressing but, my pressures helped turnovers. third, i scored twice as well. i've still got to work on my finishing but scoring the first one helped me feel that i belonged on that pitch. no luck, only merit.

on my best i can wreak havoc and terrorize defences but today was not all that. i did show glimpses of course but messed up as well at times. our team needs cohesion. the squad's always rotating. we don't take it very seriously and there seems to be no discipline. i reckon some practice will iron some of these issues out. because at times, we seem clueless on the pitch. we also can't last half as much as the other team. we always start strong, but by the end of the time period, we die. perhaps i should work on my stamina as well.

my anger, few hours after getting home, evolved into a fire inside of me. i will strengthen my body, upper body in particular, so i don't get pushed off the ball like a fucking weakling. it's not like this fire's never been inside of me but this time it's different. this time, it won't wane over, at best 3 days. this time i'll be consistent. i'll be better in a few months. and even if the tournament goes crappy, i'll know that i did the best i could.

i'm giving me a deadline. 17-6-2022. on or before this day i have to improve my physical condition. i'm banking on you to me on this task.

[jpoaulransahl]

#8

i've realised that i mostly only use tumblr when I'm feeling either of the two extremes: immense joy, euphoria which i'm desperate to hook somewhere, or profound sadness, near-suffocating anxiety and all that comes there.

about a month ago, i realised that instagram was making me kinda anxious. a lot, in some cases. i was tackled with the feeling of deactivating my socials a little too often. and so i decided to regulate my time here. i only use instagram once; during the 7-9 pm time bracket, to answer dms, go through my feed, look at people's stories and after 5-10 mins or so, i'm done for the day. and this way i've been able to control myself and what i feel. it's been a while since i've felt some of the things i don't quite like. maybe this regulating-down-shit works. maybe it will for you too. however blocking exposure to the root does not necessarily tackle the problem. this is more of limiting symptoms than fighting the virus itself. the virus - namely, my overanxious person has to be adressed by me sometime or the other. here's my try at that. i have tried to be happy with myself and not place my happiness on things others control. external validation in this era is too valuable and i despise the idea that we have to rely on others to keep happy. people still affect me too much. i still feel like i have an audience to please. i can't sometimes stop thinking about what other think of me. and you can go the fake-it-till-you-make-it road, but that road didn't work well for me so i've had to retrace my steps and start over. i tried pretending that i don't care but later realised that the things i said "i don't care" to the most were the things i cared the most about. the flip side of the coin is that i get amazingly happy when one of my friends seems happy. i don't wish it was me rather than them. i don't wish i feel what they do. i just am happy for them. is that depending on others to feel happy? am i a hypocrite? aren't we all? when i'm riding and a vehicle honks, i get really tense. that vehicle doesn't even have to honk at me necessarily but i still get tense. everytime someone shoulder-pushes me in football, or plays slightly rough, i develop some kind of spite. which later affects my play because i'm always trying to get 'revenge'.

i wonder if in some time all of these issues will be resolved or if they stay there forever. the death of my ego will be the birth of me.

[jpoaulransahl]

#7

today happens to be my bday, 19 today. honestly speaking it would have been just another day if not for some events.

the first one is that my parents are not home. i live in peace. and a cousin just 5 years older than me is gonna stay with us for a few days. i didn't know her at all previously but i was somewhat uncharacteristically excited to meet her and see her. picked her up yesterday and she seems to be a cool person. quite a shame i won't see her again for a while after she'll be gone, but hey at least i made a new friend.

the second one goes back to my bestie. i got a card from her yesterday. well, not a card exactly, more like a letter. she's appreciated me for a lot of stuff. the things she loves about me. and it may seem cringy to some but it sure made my heart warm. she also apologizes for the rough patch during which she seemed like just another person. it was mentally a hard time, that's for sure and i certainly blamed her for it in the start. but as the days went by i realised i'd been caught in those walk-away-from-the-blame-and-antagonize-others and she didn't really do anything. i was responsible for my actions. i owned up to it and never blamed her again. it's really not your fault, darling. but her apologizing about it or even acknowledging it made this rough patch somewhat worth it for me. it's a closed chapter now, and it won't bother me ever again. she said she brags about me with her friends, and all her friends know me. idk but the letter almost made me cry. i hope to write a letter one day which makes someone feel the way i did. i wonder if i'll tell her how much i liked the letter and how close i came to crying but idk if ill drop the no-affection smokescreen.

sorry i didn't wish you for your bday but have a great day.

[jpoaulransahl]

#6

im tired of this. i want someone. i want to feel something. i feel like im just wasting my time. i wanna be in love. i wanna have their head in my lap. i want to cook for them. i want to pull over the blanket over them when they've fallen asleep on the sofa while watching their favourite romcom. im tired of sleeping in an empty bed. i crave some intimacy. but who am i kidding? i am socially a disaster. i can't handle it. why am i this way? is this my fault? the one friend i made is going to prom with someone else. i have maybe two friends, who i surely love a lot but no way am i going to rest all my needs on two pairs of shoulders.

i'd love to date someone. and a part of me thinks i'll always be alone forever. in a class full of 60+ students but alone. in a group of friends but alone. i don't wanna be alone. sure, i like being alone but i don't want to become desolate. when you're in love you think about the time you weren't. now it's the opposite way. i wanna be in love. when you're dating, suddenly you've gotta be thinking about when single. why are things the way they are? this can't be it the way things are

[jpoaulransahl]

#6

ask yourself the question, "when's the happiest you've ever been?" and it might tell you a lot about yourself. i've been asking me that question for quite a while. don't remember what the happiest moment in my life is but i remember a couple episodes which made me very happy. it was probably a weekend and we were in the middle of the covid situation. early morning, i was walking to where the stray dogs in my street live. they ran up to me as if i was the only source of joy in their life. i wish i had more hands so i could pet all of them at the same time. a fellow dog sympathizer was walking by and a couple dogs ran up to him the same way they did me. this person was maybe in their 50s or even 60s and was wearing a mask. i generally am not so social but the sheer happiness pushed me to look in his eyes and nod at him. he reciprocated. i could see the smile from beneath the mask. this moment was perhaps 10 seconds long but i still cherish it. maybe this guy doesn't even remember. but it does make me happy.

here's the second episode: me and best friend were hanging out the way we do in the society's parking when a friend brought his scooter to stop just in front of us. he had his best friend sitting beside him and both of them were well dressed. they said they'd been outside the whole day. met a friend, watched a movie, ate together and just had a lot of fun together. you should have seen their faces then. tired yet their eyes shined as they relived the day through their words. i never say much and i didn't that day. but i took notice of how happy they seemed. there was not one molecule of jealousy involved. i was just happy for them. i did not want to experience the same day or was not cross i'd been not invited with them. i was just happy for them. again, they probably don't even think that day meant anything to me. and that's the beauty of it. that day for sure meant something to them. on a slightly sadder note, one of the stray dogs i would love petting passed away a while ago. he was brown and young. eyes shined marvelously. he had some kind of attachment issues, it seemed. he would get jealous if i pet others or paid less attention to him. he would put his paws all over my chest to get my attention. i'd become slightly distant to the dogs just before his death and i wish i spent more time with him. anyway, he's gone and will be forgotten by everyone. i feel lucky to have been in his acquaintance.

what moment do you treasure the most?

[jpoaulransahl]

#5

in one of the posts i'd written a while ago(#2, i think) i speak about the uncertainty in life. i was giving some entrance exams and did not know what i was doing. my dad guided me and now i'm in one of the best institutes in the country for my field. which of course, makes one glad. but then again has that uncertainty left me? nope. sure, it might have decreased a bit but i still am running with my head down. i hope all pieces fall in place one day.

a girl i pushed myself to speak with turned out to like movies the same way i did. i was thinking of asking her out to prom but i didn't think i really liked her. i just wanted to feel something. i perhaps for that very reason did not ask her out. also, i don't know how i would cope if I said no. even if she said yes, who's to say i'm gonna give her a good time. so anyway i chose against asking the chick out.

one day while enjoyably conversing with her she said she was going out with some other chap. said she wasn't sure anyone would ask her. this chap is tall, handsome and not as bad at social things as me. i am, by no measure. better than him. it hurt knowing she was going with someone. i probably wouldn't have had a date anyway.

i do hope she has fun. at least i made a new friend. i'd surely like to know her better. whether there are feelings involved is obsolete.

thanks, and you have a great day.

[jpoaulransahl]

#4

you'll notice that i've skipped #3 and come straight to #4. that signifies all i've forgotten to write. i probably would have predicted my inconsistency to you before. anyway, here's something about a friend of mine.

i hold him dear to me, and he's genuinely one of the few individuals i feel myself with. he and i always go on walks together and talk about the most random shit ever. it could be sad, or just weird for the third person. but we know that there's no need for a third person here. from slut-shaming dogs and penguin-shaped bins to talking about the potential loss of someone close we've probably talked about everything. going on a hike together or influencing each other's movie and music tastes.

he's always struggled with anxiety, depression and whatnot. it pains me to see him like this. a while ago at 1:57 am he sent me an appreciative message telling me he'd been feeling numb and emotionless and taking more meds than prescribed to him and might've od'd. and that, he did. he was in the hospital for a while. they had to cut open his stomach to get the meds out. he was visibly hurting for a few days. i'd stayed with him because he wasn't allowed to be home alone.

yesterday he got silent all of a sudden. he was physically with us but not mentally. and that's okay, i zone out a lot as well and sometimes it's just not your day. but this was somewhat different. while walking he just stopped for a while and fell down. seemed like a panic attack or something. i was the first to notice. another friend of ours(my best friend) who's studying psychology took great care of him. sure, i was present and did what i could but she stepped up. i called him mum up who got there hastily and got my suffering friend home. we wished them good night. my best friend said she was not scared at all. and that was perhaps an understatement. her nerves were cool and it would be safe to say she was calm and composed. i hope to step up one day.

i am extremely concerned for my friend. i will support him all i can. i will be the best friend he could wish for. i know who i am. i'll leave no stone unturned. i am sorry i never say this to him in person, but boy do i love you. i'd give anything for you to be alright.

[jpoaulransahl]

#2

i was giving kanye west's graduation album a first listen but i thought that it would be better writing this when im with me and myself solely. as of i can only hear the fan creak. my mood isn't as bad as it was yesterday. do you think i have depression? i would prefer i didn't but sometimes i feel like shit. this constant sadness follows me around like a shadow. not to say i don't enjoy life. little moments give me pleasure and i feel amazing for that short time. last time that happened was in may when i made when i made memes on my friend and their friend couldn't stop laughing. i felt majestic but soon that well of emptiness hit me and i reverted my indifferent-about-everything attitude. i've realised i was only happy for a minute or maybe two. where am i headed? do you have a clue? am i at a state now that my future self is going to try to deny or attempt to forget the existence of? i deleted the chats. tried forgetting but it lingers at the back of my head.

another issue is me trying to stay away from intimacy. i can't even say "i love you" to a friend. intimacy is of paradoxical nature, at least in my case. i crave intimacy; i dream of living a life with a person who i coexist with and feel complete with. perhaps it's too unrealistic. but at the same time of craving it, i try maintaining my distance. i hate hugs and stopped giving my friends hugs. a handshake is good enough. why is started fearing intimacy is something i figured only lately.

a while ago i was friends with this person who i really enjoyed myself with. best friends you could say. then i developed feelings. down went this precious, valuable relationship for just some stupid feelings. we didn't feel the same. didn't talk much. i can't blame them. but do you blame me for my feelings? do i? i don't know ultimately. i hated myself profusely because i messed the one relationship i liked up. i was sad for months. a part of me antagonized them. hated the hell out of them. if only i could go back in time. the other part of me antagonized me. how depressing is that? when i, the person in charge of me, antagonized me. maybe this hardened me for the better. but virtually i haven't met anyone new over the past few years. maybe when i'm off to college, i'll have more chances. i miss some people from my past. some i see every other day but we act like strangers. anyway i've digressed badly. in the end my bestie and me talked for the first time in months and they said they were happy we had a conversation similar to ones we had before me fucking up. i wonder if they still secretly hate me. i don't know if our relationship is back to the way it was before. but i think it's back on track. i'm not entirely sure about this but i think i still like her. i can't stop it. am i in love? i can't be. not with the same person. did the feelings never fade away? i don't know. in conclusion i avoid hugs or i love you or whatever because i'm scared i'll fuck up some other or worse, the same relationship. i've kept you a long time. thanks for reading.

[jpoaulransahl]

#1

i always wanted a place where i communicate with me and myself only. today is the day. this is my journal.

i feel lost in life. i feel numb and indifferent about everything. i try not thinking about the future but oh well. my head sometimes hurts from thinking too much. i have these vivid fantasies in which im in an "ideal" relationship but i dont know who this person will be. if at all. while prepping for these entrance exams which supposedly is going to heavily influence my future, i have no clue who i want to be. is it maybe too much on an 18y old? "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" shut the fuck up. relatives and "well-wishers" don't exactly help. i stopped opening to people as well; but that's a tale for another day. they say it helps to open up so here i am. i hope i dont get famous on tumblr. would be amazing to find theories on who jpoaulransahl is on reddit though. you, are my therapist. i dont know how to feel. figure something out. your guess is as good as mine. maybe in a year or two when i've probably stopped using tumblr altogether because of my always disappearing motivation and inconsistent will, ill randomly open tumblr up and read this post and know that i will have made it. will i make it in life? maybe like rigamortis, it becomes harder before not.