#gaskell rewatch liveblog

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I realised I don’t have a lot to do today, so I can get back to my S15 Holby rewatch!

One thing I wanted to say before I move onto the next episode though - while watching “How Lo Can You Go” the other day, I was thinking the actress playing recurring patient Aisha was brilliant, but I didn’t know her name. I thought “hm, when I finish the episode, I should look her up so I can say how good she is!”. I didn’t get round to that.

Anyway, I then found out from a HolbyTV tweet that, apparently, this actress was none other than... Salma Hoque! Yes, THE Salma Hoque, the woman who played Meena Chowdhury! How am I so prosopagnosic I didn’t even recognise her after seeing her as Aisha in multiple episodes?? I’ve always thought Meena was a good character who had a lot of potential, but now, after seeing how brilliant Salma was as Aisha, I’m even more convinced Meena deserved better material. It’s a shame she spent so much time tied up in the Gaskell story.

So, yeah, I found myself praising Salma Hoque without even knowing I was praising Salma Hoque. It also feels strange to think this means that Salma shared scenes with actors like Jing Lusi or Paul Bradley who had long since left by the time Meena arrived.

I’ve now finished telling my anecdote. Time to watch and liveblog S15E09 “Fault Lines”.

Edit 1: Oh, it’s a Nick Fisher episode. First one of his I’ve watched since the news, I think. :(

Edit 2: Sacha’s ex-wife’s new boyfriend is taking her on a trip to an ice hotel in Norway, according to a phone call that we only heard Sacha’s half of. I can’t lie - that sounds great, I may envy her a little bit.

Edit 3: Lmaooo, Christmas songs in theatre!!

Edit 4: Imelda is taking Lilah’s accusations towards Ric very seriously. Imagine if she’d been there when the real deal happened with Henrik and Sahira. Maybe Henrik actually would’ve had to face consequences then. Sigh.

Edit 5: Albie the married barman (you’ll never guess what pub he works at 😉) who’s been sleeping with Mo has just turned up, with his wife who’s been brought in as a patient. :|

Edit 6: Okay, so Albie’s wife actually knows he’s sleeping with Mo! Still, I don’t think Mo should be handling this case. It’s way too personal. It’s unfair to expect her to treat Albie’s wife, given the... complicated circumstances. For once, I agree with Jonny - Jac or someone should be handling this instead.

Edit 7: “We raised businesses, not children.” is a great (and very sad) line. The actress delivered it perfectly, too.

Edit 8: I love Chantelle.

Edit 9: Mo, seriously, you really shouldn’t be treating Albie’s wife, for your own sake.

Edit 10: I do love Ric.

Edit 11: Poor Malick, dragged into the Ric vs. Lilah situation.

Edit 12: The Lilah and Ric situation is actually quite interesting, I’d heard of the storyline but I didn’t know it was this complicated. It’s a very grey area. Lilah’s obviously wrong in her claims that Ric made her fail the exam because she didn’t sleep with him again, but on the other hand, Ric shouldn’t have slept with his mentee and he definitely shouldn’t have taken over from Malick doing her exams in an attempt to try and make her pass just because he fancied her. I wouldn’t call it harassment, which is what Ric is being accused of, but it was definitely majorly unprofessional on his part. Nothing he should lose his job over (I can’t say that for Henrik’s treatment of Sahira...), but worth a slap on the wrist. Lilah regretting making the accusations is also an interesting angle.

Edit 13: The situation with Albie's wife is reminding me of Jac and it's making me sad.

Edit 14: Malick snarking at Imelda 😂

Edit 15: The patient thinking Chrissie was married to Michael 🤣

Edit 16: Ric is on the list of characters (alongside the likes of Stevie Nash) who have faced more consequences for a false accusation of sexual harassment than Henrik ever did for actually sexually harassing Sahira. :/

Edit 17: Albie brushing his wife’s hair one last time... ow. The fact that it’s so reminiscent of Henrik brushing John’s hair out of his face in “One Of Us” makes it even sadder.

Edit 18: We're near the end of the episode, so I'm guessing Lilah retracts her accusation soon?

Edit 19: That scene with Mo and Albie was lovely.

Edit 20: No last-minute retraction from Lilah, Ric actually left?! Okay, I have no idea how this is going to be resolved.

In other news, Luc’s going to be spending Christmas with Sacha and Chrissie. I hope we get to actually see that. It sounds hilarious.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Just about to rewatch S20E28 “Into The Light”, ft. Dr. Ethan Hardy. Also with major storylines for both my fucked up queer king and my very slightly less fucked up queer king, yet I don’t think they share a single scene in this episode. Wild. They probably did have one that got cut for being too gay or something.

Edit 1: John just screaming in the peace garden is extremely relatable.

Edit 2: I forgot Becky Prestwich and Nick Fisher wrote this one. I don’t know who I thought wrote it but it wasn’t them.

Edit 3: Henrik in his getting therapy era!!!

Edit 4: Oh fuck, not John lying to Jac about the other trial patients.

Edit 5: Essie!!

Edit 6: “You [Rox and John] work well together, you always have.” I think there’s definitely a place you’d like John and Rox to work together, Henrik... ;)

Edit 7: Not Rox also lying to Henrik about the trial though.

Edit 8: Oh fuck, Raf’s dad and Henrik meeting each other.

Edit 9: Guy!! Fucking!! Henry!!

Edit 10: Oh hi Ethan!

Edit 11: Ethan Hardy, canonical Doctor Who fan, sharing scenes with Paul McGann is HILARIOUS.

Edit 12: The patient is Ritchie the lawyer from Eastenders apparently. I didn’t recognise her but my mom pointed it out.

Edit 13: Ethan trying to get involved with the trial was a great idea and really realistic.

Edit 14: Henrik wearing all purple. Bi king.

Edit 15: Now I can only see the patient as Ritchie Scott, send help.

Edit 16: Roxanna looking gorgeous.

Edit 17: Donna’s ex Jared mention!

Edit 18: “John, where have you gone...?” “I’m thinking.” More like ‘I’m dissociating’.

Edit 19: John intimidating Rox when she asks if he’s lied to her, in a similar way as Henrik would intimidate Sahira. Interesting.

Edit 20: This Henrik and Essie scene :’))

Edit 21: Kaye Wragg is incredible.

Edit 22: Acknowledgement of Essie’s diabetes!

Edit 23: I love Henrik being gentle.

Edit 24: Rox snooping around in the lab again!

Edit 25: I could listen to Roxanna’s voice all day.

Edit 26: Donna in her plastics era!

Edit 27: Raf’s dad talking to the statue :’) And Henrik going down there too :’)) And GUY HENRY’S ACTING :’))

Edit 28: If the rumours I’ve heard about Ollie on Casualty are right, I hope it’s handled as well for David as the first year or so of Henrik’s reaction to Fredrik was.

Edit 29: Ethan :((

Edit 30: George Rainsford giving a good performance.

Edit 31: Kaye Wragg is BRILLIANT.

Edit 32: Henrik being alexithymic. And the show being possibly the most explicit about his alexithymia they ever have been.

Edit 33: If someone had just got John psychiatric help ages ago...

Also, it’s funny how the scenes are switching between Henrik and John but they still aren’t actually sharing a scene.

Edit 34: Donna being worried about letting her kids down :(

Edit 35: Paul McGann saying the words “Ethan Hardy” sfsfsfsfsfsf

Edit 36: What the fuck John.

Edit 37: Guy Henry’s pronunciation of “olycksfågel” is so awkward.

Edit 38: Roxanna apologising for not being able to get Ethan on the trial. Awww.

Edit 39: Ethan in this episode might actually be the best Casualty character cameo they’ve ever had. They utilised him so well.

Edit 40: “I had to try.”

Edit 41: It’s so odd that Casualty didn’t mention when the truth about Gaskell came out. They’re very valid for ignoring that storyline, obviously, but with Ethan pinning his hopes on the trial... it seems weird they didn’t mention when it all turned out to be medical malpractice.

Edit 42: “Well, you certainly never gave that impression... you always seemed so competent. So in control.” See? See? Henrik didn’t know a single thing about Roxanna, nor did she know anything about him really. They weren’t soulmates. He had an idea, a perfect version of her in his head that he idolised. That’s it.

I do love the “this is how we wrestle back control” speech though.

Edit 43: Roxanna being all cute and geeky.

Edit 44: Henrik in this episode has “other people are easier to fix” energy.

Edit 45: Dom hugging Essie.

Edit 46: Henrik: “Mr. Copeland has it in him to... connect.” Raf’s dad: “We all do.” Henrik: “...Perhaps.”

Relatable autism moment.

Edit 47: Jac: “Whatever you [John] did has worked so far.” :(

Edit 48: Raf’s dad’s little speech to Essie :’))

Edit 49: Ethan was more likeable in this episode than he was in Casualty in 2018.

Edit 50: Awww, Donna giving her patient a manicure!

Edit 51: Rox: “How does that make you feel?” John: “You sound like a therapist.”

Also absolutely laughing my ass off at Rox criticising John for his “moody, secretive silence”.

Edit 52: Society if Rox had killed John instead of the other way around.

Edit 53: Henrik doing his therapy worksheet. We love a man trying his best.

Edit 54: Henrik asks Rox out in a very similar way to how he asks John out in S20E41.

Also, Johnrik TECHNICALLY sharing a scene here, but no actual interaction. And a Hexanna cheek kiss, which is more than we ever got for any other Henrik relationship. :(

Edit 55: Rox screaming in the peace garden. Me too, Rox, me too.

And John looming over Essie for no identifiable reason.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E10 “Square One”. If I recall correctly this ep is the first time John loses a trial patient, so that should be interesting.

Edit 1: Oh Zav I miss you.

Edit 2: John on his iconic dictaphone. Also watching these episodes knowing what the 8th Doctor’s TARDIS looks like, I’m convinced the whole luminous blue vibe of John’s lab was an intentional shoutout to it.

Edit 3: I love this little Donna and Serena scene.

Edit 4: I really do love me some good morally ambiguous John content. They should’ve kept him this way, it was a lot more interesting than the supervillain direction they took him in.

Also Jac high on pain meds and actually being happy and friendly for once is hilarious.

And, a line from Fletch: “Have I stepped into a parallel Darwin?” Nah, Fletch, the parallel Darwin came later, in 2021 when Sahira was suddenly Henrik’s childhood friend for some reason.

Edit 5: We went from a Zav scene to a Jason scene just now. What a downgrade.

Also, gah, Jason: “Prison should be for bad, dangerous people, not good people like Ric who are just doing their best!” WHY DOES HE TALK LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD IT’S SO ANNOYING. I know we autistics tend to have different speech patterns but the way to write that is not to write dialogue on literally the same level you’d write dialogue for a neurotypical child character.

Edit 6: I love Roxanna’s blouse in this ep.

Edit 7: Absolute legend Ken Davies is back! I’d forgotten he was in this ep!

Edit 8: Jac is so fucking beautiful. She literally looks like a goddess or something.

Edit 9: John was SO blatantly severely mentally ill the whole time why did no one intervene??

Also lol @ Ollie joking about his lack of motor skills to Lofty the dyspraxic man.

Edit 10: When Jac said “it’s miraculous what a full 5 hours’ kip can do for you” I felt that.

Edit 11: I actually agree with Serena on something for once - the ‘Ric in prison’ storyline WAS “utter madness”.

Edit 12: The Rox and John dynamic was really fascinating. Also, John’s body language is VERY Henrik-esque in this episode.

And why does John talk like me? “There’s been no improvement, alas!” 😂

Edit 13: This episode is Jason in his 5-year-old era and not in a realistic developmental delay way (look at someone like Chantelle, she was autistic coded and “childish” but wasn’t written like an actual child) but in a ableist writing way.

Edit 14: ZAV!! I love his outfit in this ep. Also, it’s truly amazing how much character development he had when he was only on the show for 2 years.

Edit 15: Interesting dialogue. Rox: “I would err on the side of caution.” John: “You always do.”

Edit 16: Love the Jac and Ken banter. “I did the best I could, but despite my efforts, you pulled through.”

Edit 17: Rosie Marcel is SO good.

Edit 18: Zav was such an asshole when he first started out.

Edit 19: John on the dictaphone again!

Edit 20: John’s despair about the trial failing reads differently looking back after the later reveal that it was all about trying to save Lana.

Also, him lying to Essie and saying the implant didn’t fail... oof.

Edit 21: Very visible anxious stimming from John when his patient goes into arrest.

Also fuck I basically stole this scene for my one unfinished fanfic without remembering. I hope everyone thinks it was a deliberate parallel lmao.

Edit 22: I think the patient’s mum is doing a guest-character-speaking-for-staff member moment when she’s talking about the trial to John: “I didn’t think of the risks.”

Edit 23: Paul McGann is an INCREDIBLE actor.

Edit 24: John not wanting to bother Henrik by calling him about the Medical Director job :’))

Also, funny thing is, when John said he just wants what’s best for his patients I do believe he genuinely thought that.

Edit 25: HENRIK

Edit 26: “Meetings, paperwork... hardly John’s field of expertise, is it?” Lmaooo

Edit 27: I love early John with the curly hair.

Edit 28: John is very very good at manipulating people, whether he’s using it for good (as he is in this case - seeking the Medical Director job and talking Serena into giving it to him so he can help Roxanna fight for the TMS for Ollie) or not. One has to think Henrik picked up some techniques from him. I mean, the Henrik we saw in the flashback episode couldn’t manipulate anyone if he tried, I don’t think.

Edit 29: Lofty saying he’s not like Isaac aged poorly :(

Edit 30: Zav showing a moment of tenderness towards Nicky.

Edit 31: John on Henrik: “He’s like the rest of us. Lost without a stethoscope.”

Edit 32: Serena saying she’d cheerfully hand Gaskell the CEO job. That’s so fucking funny in hindsight of how John turned out.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to watch S20E27 “The Anniversary Waltz”, which doesn’t actually have John in it but it has Henrik so I can’t skip it. (I mean I could skip it but... Henrik my bisexual autistic king.)

Edit 1: Ric calling out the government “messing around with [the NHS]” within the episode’s first minute. Now this is the Holby I know and love. This is a Holby that actually still gave a semblance of a damn about being a show about the NHS (it was already fading out from that but it wasn’t that bad yet) instead of being Eastenders with stethoscopes. (Seriously makes me laugh how people praised the final episodes of Holby for paying some lip service to the NHS when it hadn’t been a show about it for years. Pushing anything even remotely political to the side until after the show has already been cancelled isn’t brave writing, it’s cowardice.)

Edit 2: Jac!!

Edit 3: Jac and Nicky’s first meeting. Jac: “Who is she, and why is she following me around like Little Orphan Annie?”

Also, Abigail’s unintentional double entendre to Jac made me laugh my ass off: “Always good to be touched on your entrance.”

Edit 4: An organ donation plot? Joe Ainsworth really ripped off his own script from this episode for the finale lmao.

Edit 5: We can have a patient call Serena “Dr. McKinnie”, but we never got Reyhan calling Henrik “Henrik Lövborg”. Though it was against continuity to have Reyhan be Henrik’s teacher in the first place so I guess it makes sense that they’d also defy continuity by ignoring that Henrik’s surname would’ve been Lövborg at the time.

Edit 6: The first appearance of the nickname “Foetus”!

Edit 7: People doing actual medical stuff?! In my Holby?! Those were the days.

Edit 8: Can you imagine if we’d had Jac/Abigail instead of Flac?

Edit 9: The patient attacking Zav. Jesus.

Edit 10: HENRIK MY BELOVED

Edit 11: Henrik’s body language and speech patterns in this scene are really autistic. Feels like I’m looking in a mirror.

Edit 12: I miss Ric. I miss Ric so much.

Edit 13: Serena’s interactions with her patient are kind of cute actually.

Edit 14: Ric refers to a past patient of his as “built like the Hulk”. Donna: “I never understood why he burst out of his shirt, but not his trousers!”

Man, I adore Donna.

Edit 15: This patient and her husband are adorable. Couple goals.

Edit 16: Jac’s patient telling her he doesn’t think he deserves his heart transplant and Jac telling him he does deserve it. Aww!!

But Jac telling him he has a “better than evens chance of seeing his 75th birthday” makes me really sad because she never even got to make it to 50 :(

Edit 17: HENRIK AGAIN, MY KING

Edit 18: Henrik sharing his lunch with Sheilagh!! Cute.

Edit 19: Glasses Jac!!

Edit 20: Early Jac and Nicky scenes now get me in that “they don’t know how much they’ll mean to one another” meme mood.

Edit 21: Ric: “It’s the longest of longshots.” Me: LISTEN, THAT DISTANCE, BETWEEN US, COULDA TOOK A WHILE--

(I miss the proper Holby trailers with the great music.)

Edit 22: I love Henrik!!!

Edit 23: Henrik mentions reading Pippi Longstocking (or Pippi Långstrump, as she’s known in Swedish) books as a kid.

Edit 24: The elderly patient giving up his chance at a heart transplant so the other patient with a family to look after can get it, aww.

Edit 25: Jac asking if her patient is suicidal :’))

Edit 26: I love Zav.

And this episode is reminding me why I once loved this show.

Edit 27: The storyline with the elderly patient is making me cry.

Edit 28: Zav smiling!!

Edit 29: Serena’s old patient having named his daughter after her always gets me, it’s so cute.

Edit 30: Dom saying he’d like to still be with Lofty in 50 years :((

Edit 31: This episode is a much better and more meaningful tribute to the NHS than the finale ever was.

Edit 32: “But I did get to flirt with a couple fit firemen!” Donna is the best.

Edit 33: Sheilagh giving Lofty his grandfather’s ring to propose to Dom with is so sweet. I miss healthy Dofty.

Edit 34: Serena to Ric: “You’ve been here since, what, the 1920s?”

Edit 35: Not Jac being compared to objects again.

Edit 36: Abi and Fletch in their breakup era.

Edit 37: Serena and Ric getting locked in at Albie’s, lmaooo

Edit 38: And to top off the “Joe Ainsworth ripped off his own script for the finale”, we end the episode with a Jac voiceover.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Anyway it’s S20E14 time, which means the arrival of Queen Abigail Tate :)

Edit 1: Ooh, I’d forgotten this was a Joe Ainsworth one!

Also, remember when stuff that happened in Holby actually had consequences for the hospital? In late Holby, Ric would’ve been right back to normal the minute he arrived at work, despite just having spent months in prison.

Edit 2: Abigail saying she could ask Henrik for advice on being CEO. DON’T, Abigail.

Edit 3: JASON’S HERE, SEND HELP. Also argh Serena going “why don’t we leave Mr. Griffin here to do what he does best??” Jason’s not a child, Serena, even if the writers think he is.

Edit 4: Extremely funny how obsessed these writers were with the word “sapphic” solely to avoid having to decide if Serena was a lesbian or bi.

Edit 5: Fantastic little bit of dialogue. Roxanna, regarding a patient’s risky surgery: “A risk only an addict would take.” The patient: “What does that make John Gaskell?”

Edit 6: Fun fact: you don’t need a risky surgery to have your sense of joy and happiness destroyed, you just need to watch the last 4 years of Holby.

Edit 7: JOHNRIK

Edit 8: I love Johnrik flirting. Also - Henrik wearing pinkish-purple and John wearing blue. Love that.

Edit 9: John talking about “knowing when to stop” like he’s ever been able to do that in his life.

Edit 10: Abi and Fletch was the most forced het romance.

Edit 11: John being baffled by the patient calling Rox “Foxy Roxy”. I tell you he’s gay.

Edit 12: Very early-Henrik esque behaviour from John regarding pushing the patient to have the operation.

Also I’d forgotten what the fuck Abi did to the CEO office. Guy Henry hated it too, actually - the reason they didn’t stick with the green paint was because Guy demanded they change back to a more subtle design once Henrik returned to being CEO.

Edit 13: I checked the interview, it sounds like he actually meant he didn’t like the design of the CEO office around the time he first came back for his second stint (so in 2015). Whatever. The 2018 design still sucks.

Edit 14: Anyway I swear I’m about to start screaming at this patient’s ableist mum lmao.

Edit 15: Serena very hypocritically trying to confront the ableist lady in question lmaooo.

Edit 16: The John and Rox relationship was really fascinating. Do wish so much of the storyline hadn’t been spent on repetitive arguments between the two of them though lol.

Edit 17: “You said ‘thank you Henrik’. What did you mean?” “Let’s focus on the task at hand.” I’d forgotten entirely about this scene! Probably because this one is another episode I haven’t seen since 2018.

Edit 18: John being crazy (affectionate) on main in this episode.

Edit 19: HENRIK

Edit 20: “John, if I hadn’t been there... would you have carried on?” :’))

Edit 21: Abi deserved better than the forced Fletch romance.

Edit 22: Ah, the archetypical Holby “patient makes their injury worse in the middle of an emotional outburst” scene.

Edit 23: The first of several Frankenstein comparisons with Gaskell.

Edit 24: When John says they could try the surgery again, the patient says “So he can still get the headline?”. John bows his head and doesn’t respond.

Edit 25: This whole scene with Ric wondering whether he still fits in at the hospital and considering leaving is really, really sad in light of Hugh Quarshie leaving the show because of how much it changed.

Edit 26: Love John inviting Rox onto the trial because Henrik suggested it.

Edit 27: This patient’s mum is driving me mad.

Edit 28: I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN this John and Abi scene existed.

Also lol. Abi saying to John “if you screw up, we all go down”. Actually he screwed up majorly and there was no aftermath to it.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Rewatching S20E05 “One Day at a Time”. Paul McGann reciting poetry is classic.

Edit 1: Sfsfsfsfsf love this exchange between Meena and Nicky. “Does it look like I’ve slept more than 3 hours?” “Almost.”

Also, them wondering whether Henrik would be there for the big operation Gaskell was doing. I miss when characters discussed other things going on in the hospital.

Edit 2: I ADORE the top Roxanna is wearing in this episode. Gorgeous. I want one for myself.

Edit 3: Nicky and Sacha’s little dynamic was really cute.

Edit 4: Awww @ the patient saying she likes Sacha’s shirt.

Also, oh hey this is the one with that dude from Eastenders in it!

Edit 5: Ways to make yourself sad: watch this episode with the lens of John thinking Henrik had killed himself. (He’s genuinely surprised when he hears in the following ep that Henrik has been in contact with Serena... given their history the implications about what John thought when Henrik disappeared are pretty clear.)

Edit 6: I’m gay but John looks pretty great in this ep.

Edit 7: Meena being relatable. “I’m the queen of sulking, not you!”

Edit 8: John: “Theatre is a great calmer.” I think Henrik would agree.

Edit 9: OOH. John and Roxanna talking about Henrik.

Edit 10: I know John’s evil and all that but you have to admit he can do a pretty great motivating speech.

Edit 11: “Whose left, Dr. Chowdhury? Yours or mine?” An iconic moment.

Edit 12: “Between you and me, I’m not actually sleeping.” Fletch :( He really should have left after this storyline.

Edit 13: John reciting more poetry. Quoting lines about his “heart aching”. Again, keep in mind he thinks Henrik’s offed himself.

Edit 14: Donna encouraging Nicky is really cute.

Edit 15: I do miss the Jac/Frieda homoeroticism era.

Edit 16: The scene where John’s patient rejects the operation and explains her reasons is really fascinating.

Also lol I think this is the first appearance of Gaskell dragging out the word “very” for no identifiable reason. “I will do my verrry best for you, if you let me.” I swear he does it a few more times too. John you melodramatic little bastard.

Also I’d forgotten Nicky speaks some Romanian!

Edit 17: More interesting dialogue from John, given the context: “I focus merely on what’s in front of me.”

Also Jac and Frieda watching Gaskell’s op!! You’d never have gotten a scene like that by the time the show ended. I feel like series 20 is the final series the show actually felt like it was all set in one hospital.

Edit 18: Meena: “Theatre lighting is so harsh. This could have done with a filter.” Meena really predicted the stupid blue filter that they shoved over every single episode of Holby for nearly a year after the COVID hiatus.

Edit 19: More Jac/Frieda flirting!

Edit 20: Ah, the “Dominic’s daddy bear” joke. Iconic.

Edit 21: Again! “Nurse Di Lucca and Dr. Chowdhury will take verrry good care of you over the next few days.”

Edit 22: Oh hey, Darla’s here.

Edit 23: Essie and Meena gossiping about what they think Gaskell does outside of work. Interestingly Essie suggests he “listens to the sounds of the sea”, bringing in the water theme for I think the first time in this storyline. (You all know what I think John actually does outside of work though, and it’s “listening to My Chemical Romance”.)

Also, Frieda asking Jac out for a drink! Jac turns her down, but still.

Edit 24: Essie finding Sacha praying in the garden is still such a lovely scene.

Edit 25: John reciting The Tyger again, now over Lana’s comatose body.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching ‘Hanssen Is As Hanssen Does’ now, hell yeah. First time I’ve seen the whole thing in a while - obviously I’ve rewatched the Henrik scenes but I think it’s been a few years since I last saw the full episode.

Edit: FUCK I’D FORGOT THERE WAS A MAJA MENTION. “How was she?” “She needed you to be there.” :((

Also, it really frustrates me how they used the Fredrik/Sara relationship and the John/Henrik one as parallels but didn’t actually address the similarities when they brought Sara back in 2019.

Edit 2: Interesting scene with Jac and John, where Jac talks about the pain she’s been experiencing and John asks her why she took the stairs that day then. Jac avoids giving him a direct answer, then eventually says something about needing to “test” herself.

Edit 3: GUY HENRY WAS SO FUCKING GOOD IN THIS EPISODE.

Also I really adore the ‘Henrik visiting Ric’ scene.

Edit 4: Lmao at Meena saying “I just take it one day at a time” and then the episode after this is called ‘One Day At A Time’.

Edit 5: Awww @ Henrik wanting to defend Ric even though it could ruin his reputation.

Edit 6: Interesting directing choice when Henrik’s visit to Ric ends - the guard closing the door is shown from the inside, making it look almost like Henrik’s the one locked in a prison cell.

Edit 7: Roxanna and Henrik really had ZERO chemistry. I hate that they had to shove the “they were in love all along” retcon in there because it makes it hard to appreciate their scenes as friends.

Edit 8: Ollie only recognising Henrik’s photograph AAAAAAAH.

Edit 9: JOHNRIK INTERACTIONS FUCK YEAH

Also, another future episode title reference - “We need to find a way to bring [Ollie] back into the light.”

Edit 10: Also, I love the suit jacket Henrik is wearing here.

Edit 11: Absolute dick move from Roxanna pushing Henrik to talk to Ollie and then just walking away, leaving them alone, despite knowing Henrik is upset.

Roxanna straight up admitting she doesn’t understand Henrik too. John asks how she thinks Henrik’s coping, she says “With Henrik, it’s impossible to tell”. God. She clearly did care about him as a friend but she did NOT get him well enough to have any kind of functional romantic relationship with him. But people gloss over that because she’s a woman and therefore she’s allowed to make as many mistakes when interacting with Henrik as she wants. While of course Russ gets raked over the coals for a few mild mistakes. Sigh.

Edit 12: This is a James Anderson appreciation account.

Edit 13: MORE JOHNRIK FORESHADOWING THROUGH FREDRIK/SARA.

Sara: “I wish I’d had the chance to stop him... all he ever said he wanted to do was heal people. ...Do you think he meant it? [Henrik: I prefer to believe that was the case.] Now this is his only legacy.”

Edit 14: Henrik being suicidal after Fredrik is not news, I think we’ve all assumed he was, but I’d forgotten just how strongly they implied it. Sara asks him how he’ll survive this - he says nothing.

Edit 15: The scene between Essie and Sara feels so raw and realistic. Kaye Wragg and Dana Smit were incredible. And the writing was so good.

Edit 16: Guy Henry’s acting in that little scene in Henrik’s office when he’s trying to write a speech. Gaaaah.

Edit 17: Awww, this Jac and Sacha scene :’))

Also, weird how they set up the whole thing of Henrik avoiding Jac because of everything and then never really went anywhere with it. Actually, when was the first time they shared a scene post-Fredrik? (I guess I’ll find out when while doing this rewatch.)

Edit 18: JOHNRIK

Edit 19: I only watched this scene where Henrik’s trying to give the speech and then runs off a few days ago, but it still absolutely wrecks me.

Edit 20: So weird seeing John like... actually being relatively (very relatively) stable and being friendly with people.

Edit 21: The scene with Henrik and Sara in Henrik’s office, Henrik actually crying... OW. :(

Edit 22: Not the fucking ACDC metaphor scene. The lengths these writers went to to avoid the word “bisexual” was truly insane.

Edit 23: Henrik in the last scene always breaks my heart. :(

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Every time I watch old Holby eps, which I’ve been doing a lot recently because my mom wanted to watch the whole Gaskell storyline, I miss the old theme music even more.

I still can’t fucking believe they didn’t even use the original theme for the finale, but then I guess that goes to show how much Holby disregarded its own history by the end. :(

Edit: Anyway, Sacha predicting the entire outcome of the Gaskell SL, basically - “Gaskell is potentially dealing in a fantasy off the back of a miracle.”

Edit 2: Also, I don’t think I’ve mentioned it recently, but I LOVE the way John’s body language is so reminiscent of Henrik’s. Still markedly different, but yet you can really see similarities too. I’m sure it was deliberate on Paul McGann’s part and I love it.

Also also, a line from John about picking candidates for the trial - “Emotion can play no part in the selection process.” That’s very early!Henrik.

Edit 3: Ooh. Ollie mixing up pronouns regarding a patient - “He’s... she’s waiting on an abdominal CT?”. Of course, Henrik goes on to do the same thing 10 episodes later right before his meltdown: “Right, he’s nearly... she’s... forgive me.” (And Ollie laughs at him for the mixup!)

Ollie also saying “here endeth the lesson” - I can’t recall the exact scene but I know Henrik’s said that before.

Just thought those little things were interesting.

Edit 4: I think this episode was one of the last times Fletch was worth watching - the subplot with Raf’s record collection is actually really emotional. Raf was Fletch’s soulmate and I’ll never stop believing that, sorry not sorry.

Edit 5: Not to be sappy but the kid patients on this show always get to me.

Edit 6: I’d forgotten they did actually did give an explanation for why Henrik wasn’t in the first few episodes of this series - he was pretty much isolating himself in his office and avoiding as much social contact as possible. (From John - “Hanssen’s locked himself away. I’m the next best thing, right?”)

Edit 7: Really interesting dialogue from John about removing a patient as a trial candidate because the risk would be too great. “[The patient’s father] will blame himself for making the wrong call. Believe me, it’s better the decision is taken away from him. Give him someone else to blame.”

Edit 8: The thing about alternating between watching early Henrik episodes (as I am in my personal Henrik and Sahira rewatch) and Gaskell episodes (which I’m watching with my mom) is that it REALLY makes you realise how similar Henrik and John actually are. The whole “I am you and you are me” didn’t come from nothing. John’s simply willing to take disregard for morality to a greater level than Henrik is.

Edit 9: Fletch REALLY should have left in early series 20, shouldn’t he? It was just the most natural point to bring Fletch’s time on the show to a close. He shouldn’t have stayed an additional 4 years and still been there when Holby ended.

Edit 10: I’d forgotten Jac and Essie shared all these scenes together.

Edit 11: Roxanna really had basically no personality but at least she was hot. (Seriously, if only she’d had things to do other than be a plot device for men. Hermione Gulliford was perfectly capable of playing an actual character, we saw that when Roxanna showed glimmers of personality.)

Edit 12: If I had a nickel for every time Donna treated a lesbian couple but Donna’s own bisexuality wasn’t mentioned, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that Holby did it twice.

Edit: Guess who said it: “Didn’t I make it clear that emotion has no place in this room?” Gaskell, or early Henrik?

(It was Gaskell but it could SO easily have been early Henrik.)

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20 E33 “Bargaining” tonight, which I think might have Johnrik moments (though if it does they’re only in group scenes, I’m almost completely sure their next one-on-one interaction isn’t until S20 E36 “Keep Your Friends Close”... their last one-on-one interactions were in “Primum Non Nocere”, which was episodes 24 and 25. I’m not joking when I say John and Henrik were almost completely barred from interacting in the middle of the Gaskell story. ://) but I honestly can’t remember. (Same goes for S20 E34. I could’ve checked in advance to see if they have Johnrik scenes but I kind of like not knowing, because if either of them do it’ll be a pleasant surprise.)

Edit 1: Not the “previously on” being 99% Fletch and Jac scenes.

Edit 2: Rox obsessing over watching Jac. It’s Ollie all over again. Also, nice to see John actually prominent in an episode for the first time in a while.

Edit 3: Oh fuck it’s Fletch Senior again.

Edit 4: Rox: “I can’t just stand by and wait for this thing to kill [Jac]!” :(

Edit 5: Fletch Senior AND Jason The Caricature in the same scene. I hate it here.

Edit 6: Jason’s “quirky unintentional rudeness” (like telling Serena she has nothing better to do than look after Guinevere) is a lot better if you pretend he’s deliberately being sassy.

Edit 7: Sacha worrying about Jac :((

Edit 8: SACHA SITTING ON JAC’S BED AND HOLDING HER HAND :((

Edit 9: HENRIK AND JOHN IN THE SAME SCENE. IT’S A GROUP SCENE WITH ROXANNA BUT HUZZAH

Edit 10: John my workaholic king.

Edit 11: Holy shit John’s really not lucid at all is he?

Edit 12: Two bisexuals worrying about the wellbeing of another bisexual.

Edit 13: “I can’t stop thinking about Emma.” Glad someone’s thinking about her, Serena, because the writers clearly weren’t by the end of the show.

Edit 14: Oh no there’s not more Hexanna coming is there?

Edit 15: Oh fuck more Hexanna. :// Love seeing Henrik concerned about Rox, don’t like that it’s meant to be in the context of him being “in love” with her.

Edit 16: John seeing Henrik and Rox and just walking away again :(

Edit 17: Even the slightest possibility that Jac’s tumour was related to John’s experiments makes these episodes so much darker.

Edit 18: Not Serena giving out Jason’s medical information without his consent AGAIN. You can see why Dylan keeps his autism quiet with people like this in the hospital.

Edit 19: “Fix me.” :(

Edit 20: I don’t know if it was intentional, but this patient with the trust issues and paranoia is like a younger version of John.

Edit 21: I don’t know what to make of John’s dynamic with Essie, to this day. On the one hand he mostly seems to see her as an inconvenience, but there are moments he genuinely seems to like or at least respect her.

Edit 22: Everyone handing people coffee in this episode. Henrik to Rox, Donna to Serena.

Edit 23: God, John is completely out of it. :(

Edit 24: Sacha and Henrik visiting Jac!

“The whole hospital sends love to you.” :’))

Edit 25: John putting his arm around Essie, aww.

Edit 26: Rox doesn’t approach Henrik in a corridor and go “ah, Henrik, there you are!” nearly as well as Russ does.

Also, lol. “You and John saved the day.” Love that he feels the need to bring John up.

Edit 27: Serena is so annoying.

Edit 28: John and Rox arguing again.

Edit 29: Rox: “Like with Lana??” Dom and Meena, probably, who know nothing about any of this: ???

Edit 30: Anyway, how come literally the final 5 years of Holby consisted pretty much of Jac having either physical or mental health problems and them being made all about Fletch?

Edit 31: Rox calling John out!

Edit 32: “You know I want Jac to live just as much as you do.” Sure, John. /sarcasm

Edit 33: Okay, the psychotic patient is DEFINITELY meant to mirror John.

Edit 34: “Ms. Naylor would want us to keep our heads, and focus on our patients.” Noting this down for my Henrik grieving about Jac fic.

Edit 35: Not Fletch being the hero.

Edit 36: Henrik insisting on coming into theatre to help Jac!! Aww.

Edit 37: John banging his head against his desk. Same.

Edit 38: Fletch is driving me mad.

Edit 39: The only time Jason’s ever been relatable: being desperate to get some fucking sleep.

Edit 40: John needs a psychiatrist and some good antipsychotics.

Good on Rox calling him out regardless.

Edit 41: “In Lisbon you had the humility to consider stopping the trial. Maybe we should revisit that conversation.” LMAO

Edit 42: They really had all this stuff about how the truth about the trial coming out would be a huge deal and would result in multiple investigations and then they still didn’t actually have any aftermath to the storyline.

Edit 43: What even is this Henrik and Rox scene. I assume this was meant to foreshadow the “ooh Henrik you should take the CEO job that makes you miserable” nonsense.

Edit 44: The psychotic patient is portrayed with sympathy because her psychosis is caused by a physical condition. John is portrayed as evil because his psychosis is caused by mental health issues. And this is the show people want me to praise for “good representation of mental health”?

Edit 45: I love how Rox always looks so done with John.

Edit 46: Love this Rox and John scene actually.

Edit 47: Hermione Gulliford is SO GOOD.

Edit 48: “This isn’t how I wanted it to go.” :(

Edit 49: I can’t take sides between Fletch and his dad because they both annoy me.

Edit 50: Jason: “You can’t just spend the whole day in bed!” Serena: “Oh, I can. And I will.” Not me actually relating to Serena lmao

Edit 51: WTF is this Fletch and Jac scene?!?!

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E32 “Bygones”, which has a lot more John than the episode before it had (i.e. the episode before it had no John at all).

Edit 1: Was EVERY episode in this era a whole-episode flashback? I swear it feels like every other ep starts with a dramatic scene and then “X hours earlier...”.

Edit 2: Nice Sacha shirt.

Edit 3: Carole sending Dom wedding inspo, aww.

Edit 4: Fletch to Jac: “Have I ever let you down?” Jac: “Should I count the ways?”

Edit 5: Obsessed with Nicky just miming at Fletch.

Edit 6: Essie finding out she’s in remission :’))

Edit 7: Ah, the Patient With No One To Call trope.

Edit 8: John!!

Edit 9: John again!!

Edit 10: No one can deliver a “we need to talk” like John Gaskell can.

Edit 11: John having a flat affect on main.

Edit 12: “Lofty always seems to be one step behind everyone else!” Well, that is kind of what “developmentally disabled” means... (The Holby writers forgot Lofty’s dyspraxic though so.)

Edit 13: Evie, on how Fletch has been talking to her all day: “‘Go to my office’ - ‘go home’ - ‘go to my office’ - ‘go home’... make your mind up!”

Edit 14: Loving Roxanna’s blouse.

And John changing his mind on the flip of a coin because of one little remark from Rox... very BPD.

Edit 15: I love Donna.

Edit 16: Jac and Evie scene!

Edit 17: John being weird in his lab.

Edit 18: John crossing his arms when he’s talking to Essie.

Edit 19: “I know you care, more than you let on.” - Essie to John

Edit 20: John changing his mind about letting Julie’s son on the trial AGAIN, because of Essie.

Edit 21: John stimming.

And lying through his teeth about the safety of the trial. Or genuinely believing it’s safe. It’s hard to tell with him.

Edit 22: Jac looking majestic even while just washing her hands.

Edit 23: Not a Serena and Fletch interaction.

Edit 24: This episode is just Evie exploring every room in the hospital.

Edit 25: Good on Evie calling Fletch out.

Edit 26: “So much has happened to us... to me.” :(

Edit 27: I keep mistaking Essie for Roxanna - petite blonde woman in a flowery outfit...

Edit 28: Not Fletch yelling at Jac and using her trauma against her. How do people ship these two or think they’d have a healthy relationship?

Edit 29: Julie and her son :(

Edit 30: The Darwin patient in this ep is really lovely.

Edit 31: I miss healthy Dofty.

Edit 32: Fletch’s dad’s backstory is actually quite sad. Also - he was 14 when Fletch was born. Making him 13 when Fletch was conceived. Yikes. We don’t know how old his girlfriend was. Yikes again.

Edit 33: Ah, the good old “Holbyverse character’s family member gets a job as a porter” trope.

Edit 34: “My decision is final.” John giving off early Henrik vibes.

Edit 35: Essie pointing out how quickly John changes his mind.

Edit 36: Dom: “I don’t know what I want.” Lofty: “What about what you don’t want?” Dom: “I don’t know what I don’t want.” Relatable.

Edit 37: Dofty were so cute, why did the show ruin them within a year of this?

Edit 38: Jac collapsed in her office, oh fuck.

Edit 39: John watching over comatose Jac. And then walking off to contemplate some weird science stuff in his lab, presumably.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to watch S20E31 "Child in Your Shadow", which has no John unfortunately but it does have lots of Henrik. The downside is most of the Henrik stuff is focused on him being "in love" with Roxanna, but there is the lovely "but you're happy?" scene with Dom and the very interesting conversation he has with Roxanna about religion.

Edit 1: Have to say I laughed at this line from Jac to Fletch: “When did you become so middle class?”

Also - “didn’t you used to be a mechanic?” I wonder if Holby remembers that too, Jac.

Edit 2: HENRIK!!!

Edit 3: These Henrik and Rox scenes are really cute if I pretend they’re supposed to be platonic.

Edit 4: I don’t know why, but there’s something about Henrik’s “We’ll make a general surgeon of you yet!” line that I really love.

Edit 5: Zav!!

Edit 6: Meena on becoming an F2: “First step to me becoming a consultant!” :(

Edit 7: I still think it’s a crime that we didn’t get to see Rox with pink hair.

Edit 8: Henrik you socially awkward motherfucker I love you.

Edit 9: Evie looks so little! I know that’s partly because it’s a different actress but still. Also it’s just wild to me seeing Evie when she was younger because she and I are the same age. (Well, she’s actually a year younger than me but still.)

Edit 10: Henrik is so autistic in this ep.

Edit 11: I wonder whether the “lovely young paramedic” Julie mentioned was any of the Casualty paramedics.

Edit 12: Fletch, why are you scolding your *14 year old* daughter for not looking after your kids properly?

Edit 13: The Henrik/Rox religion conversation!!

Edit 14: “You still believe, do you? After what we’ve both been through?” :( The way Henrik canonically did believe in God at some point so this HEAVILY implies he lost his belief because of what happened with Fredrik. Ow.

Edit 15: After getting therapy 11 episodes ago, Henrik has finished it by this episode. That’s not enough therapy, Henrik.

Also, him saying he can’t see where he’d be in 10 years... I’m happy the answer to that is probably ‘finally out of the closet, away from Holby, and happily married to Russ’.

Edit 16: Julie talking about her son :(

Edit 17: Ah fuck it’s Fletch Senior.

Edit 18: OMG HERE WE GO IT’S THE HENRIK AND DOM SCENE

Edit 19: Since Rox turned Henrik down for her birthday, do you think he went to Dom’s engagement party after all?

Edit 20: “I think you’ve done the work already [...] The clarity. Knowing where you want to be.” :’))

Edit 21: “But you’re happy?” “I couldn’t be happier.” AND HENRIK’S LITTLE SMILE AFTER THAT. I’M ABOUT TO START SOBBING

Edit 22: Meena singing to herself. What a precious dork.

Edit 23: I love a good “Henrik dressed in bi colours” ep.

Edit 24: There was a really bittersweet moment with Henrik trying to support Julie and it was cute. Then they had to go pushing Hexanna in our faces again.

Edit 25: Evie saying Fletch’s dad was too young to be a parent... speaking the truth there. I’d forgotten Fletch’s dad was a young teen when Fletch was born until an anon brought it up recently but it’s still, like, WTF. And they went on to do the same thing with Ange too! And with them both it was framed as totally consensual. Yikes. And that’s also really weird given that Henrik and Jac were around for both storylines, John was there when the Fletch’s dad stuff went down, there’s Sacha whose daughter Rachel was abused... how do you have characters with those backstories and then also write stuff like this?

Edit 26: “How long have you been in love with Roxanna?” The answer to that question is “literally never”, Essie.

Edit 27: Julie’s son is here!

Edit 28: Tag yourself I’m Rox sobbing and running off when Henrik gives her the pin.

Edit 29: Ric: “Do I look like the kind of person who holds a grudge?” Serena: “Yes. You do.”

Edit 30: Henrik being very autistic. I love him.

Edit 31: Guy Henry’s pronunciation of “olycksfågel” continues to drive me insane.

Edit 32: Evie bringing up Fletch’s affair with Tess omfg.

Edit 33: Obligatory “I love Roxanna’s blouse in this episode” comment.

Edit 34: Rox talking about her mum :(

Edit 35: Fletch is absolutely not “a top dad” lmao.

Edit 36: Ah I’d forgotten we actually got scenes at Dofty’s engagement party and Henrik wasn’t there. Whatever, I still like to think he turned up later.

Edit 37: Donna being supportive of Evie, cute.

Edit 38: Ric bringing up his many marriages sfsfsfsfsfsf

Edit 39: They sure did try to push “Henrik romantically loved Roxanna” on us didn’t they? Him stimming with the badge and the little paper box is cute though.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

About to rewatch S20E29 “The Friend Zone”~

Edit 1: The show playing the Zav and Sacha “So we can come out?”/”No. No you can’t.” scene out of context in the “previously” clip is making me laugh more than it should.

Edit 2: An episode starting on a Nicky scene and “written by Katie Douglas” is always a good sign!

Edit 3: John!!

Edit 4: Sacha bringing Essie a teddy bear, aww.

Edit 5: Sacha clearly in his depression era. I relate.

Edit 6: Meena on Darwin!

Edit 7: Pun not intended, but suits really do not suit Fletch.

Edit 8: Zav: “It does take a lot of hard work to stay this pretty.”

Edit 9: Zav, I love you but chill with the misogyny please.

Edit 10: Meena and Nicky are girlfriends.

Edit 11: Sacha :((

Edit 12: Patricia!

Edit 13: Jac in glasses!!

Edit 14: OH FUCK I DIDN’T KNOW JASON WAS IN THIS ONE. I’d complain about him saying “I’m glad this happened to your friend, I’ve been wanting to have a word with you all day” or whatever it was but I’d laugh my ass off if Henrik said it so maybe I’m a hypocrite there.

Edit 15: I love Donna.

Edit 16: “Not everyone shares my taste in music. Sad for them.” Patricia is just like me, for real.

Edit 17: I loved Patricia, she was such an underrated character.

Edit 18: Why does Zav’s patient kind of look like an older Leah? (Or maybe she doesn’t and I’m just faceblind.)

Edit 19: “I believe in you, Mr. Levy.” Awww, Nicky’s the best.

Edit 20: Ric!!

Edit 21: Fucking Jason again.

Edit 22: “What happens here is business.” Meena taking some bad lessons from working with Gaskell lmao.

Edit 23: I would like Jac Naylor to gently massage my neck like she did to this patient... although preferably without the whole health issues aspect involved!

Edit 24: I miss dull but nice Lofty. I hate how they ruined his character.

Edit 25: “Every woman who walks through that door, you either objectify or patronise!” Yeah, she’s not wrong.

Edit 26: Sacha and Essie :’))

Edit 27: Beka texting Sacha and saying she can’t make it to their day out :(

Edit 28: Nicky is such a good doctor, even as an F1.

Edit 29: Patricia turning Sacha down :((

Edit 30: Sacha’s voicemail to Beka :((

Edit 31: Jason: “I’ve never had any experience being a father, and now I am one!” Sacha: “Well, you can’t go back now!”

Henrik Hanssen would disagree on that, Sacha. (Which is probably why Jason didn’t go to Henrik. Because his advice would’ve just been “abandon your girlfriend and run away” lmao.)

Edit 32: I wanna hug Sacha!!!

Edit 33: Nicky and Jac’s first operation together.

Edit 34: Sacha’s depression storyline was very good, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth knowing it played out alongside the “psychosis makes you evil” storyline. Evidently the Holby writers only really cared about raising awareness for the “acceptable” mental illnesses. :(

Edit 35: Love this Zav and Donna scene on the roof.

Edit 36: I miss Zav, I miss Zav. In my head he’s alive and happily married to Donna.

Edit 37: Another mention of Essie’s diabetes!

Edit 38: Essie could read Sacha so well.

Edit 39: I love Essie’s pyjamas.

Edit 40: Sacha telling Essie there’s nothing to worry about :((

Edit 41: Nicky owning up to lying to Jac about Meena.

Edit 42: “I’m a bad person.” Oh, Nicky :(

Edit 42: “Never assume I’m not aware of everything that goes on on this ward.” I love this Nicky and Jac scene.

Edit 43: John!!

Edit 44: Loving Rox’s blouse.

Edit 45: John: “Putting a team together is a complex undertaking, once the trust is gone...”

Edit 46: Sacha and Patricia :’)

Edit 47: “I’m worried about you. You’ve not seemed like yourself today.” Ouch. :(

Edit 48: Rox’s cardigan is lovely.

Edit 49: Nicky and Meena in this scene acting like girlfriends who had a fight or something.

Edit 50: That last scene with Sacha, ow.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Watching S20E26. More of John the ableist stereotype, but an infuriatingly well-acted ableist stereotype.

Edit 1: Dramatic choir music! And Roxanna looking good, as usual.

Edit 2: This patient’s relative has the loveliest Scottish accent.

Edit 3: I don’t know if it’s her makeup or how she’s done her hair or what but Meena is looking really stylish here.

Edit 4: Oh hey, it’s the Portuguese doctor again!

Edit 5: John being visibly extremely mentally unwell on main. Watching him deteriorate like this is just fucking depressing.

Edit 6: Loving Zav’s outfit.

Edit 7: I genuinely want Roxanna’s blouse from this episode.

Edit 8: “He dropped me from the trial.” “AREYOUSURE?!”

Edit 9: Lmfaooo. Rox about John: “Man’s a law unto himself.”

Edit 10: Jac in glasses!!

Edit 11: Why does Ric and Dom interacting feel surreal? They just don’t feel like the sort of characters you’d see in a one-to-one scene together.

Edit 12: I’m seconds away from cutting out the audio of “hi, this is John Gaskell, please leave a message” and setting it as my voicemail just for lols.

Edit 13: Nicky and Zav’s patient is great, I love him.

Edit 14: Rox in her ‘sneaking into John’s lab’ era.

Edit 15: Omfg not John leaving his phone behind in the lab.

Edit 16: Nicky’s drinking habits were pretty clearly not healthy IMO and I don’t like that the show never touched on that.

Edit 17: Rox calling the Portuguese hospital.

Edit 18: Rox finding out about Lana!!

Edit 19: If I had a nickel for every time Dr. Nicole McKendrick had to quarantine with one of her colleagues and they ended up opening up to each other, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Edit 20: Oof. The patient’s surgery being cancelled because John was focusing on Lana.

Edit 21: Loving Sacha’s shirt in this ep. Also loving Zav in this ep.

Edit 22: Abi looking lovely in this scene with Roxanna. Also, John called in sick.

Edit 23: Obsessed with Rox just Googling flights to Lisbon, as you do.

Edit 24: I love Abi.

Edit 25: OMG I thought Zav was wearing a proper waistcoat, but he’s not. He’s wearing a shirt that looks like a waistcoat. I love him.

Edit 26: Okay nevermind Zav is doing exactly what I said someone should do and pointing out that Nicky drinks too much. Good for him.

Also, I wish Henrik had been called out on his misogyny the way Zav was.

Edit 27: Nicky sticking up for Meena!

Edit 28: Zav was such a brilliant character. I miss him.

Edit 29: I love Ric.

Edit 30: Sheilagh saying that theatre is where Dom belongs. It’s where Henrik belongs, too. Too bad the writers never really saw that.

Edit 31: Nicky phone calling her patient to convince him to let Abi do his operation!! Cute.

Edit 32: I adore Zav so much. He might actually be in my top 10 ever Holby characters.

Edit 33: Marcus Griffiths is SO GOOD.

Edit 34: Serena expressing attraction to the men shown in the Luscious Lads book and this is the woman they kept trying to call a “lesbian”?? This show really, really had no idea the word “bisexual” exists, did they?

Edit 35: Rox is in Lisbon!!

Edit 36: I have a type don’t I? Zav my emotionally repressed king.

Edit 37: Meena and Zav breaking up.

Edit 38: John refusing to explain who Lana is. And Rox being horrified when she finds out Lana’s been in a coma for a year.

Edit 39: “You would never have deserted Henrik the way you did me yesterday!” Rox isn’t wrong. Okay John did sort of desert Henrik but he left a note when he did which is more than he did to Rox lol.

Edit 40: I miss “goody two shoes” Lofty.

Edit 41: I don’t know if my heart is supposed to be breaking for John, but it is regardless.

Edit 42: This ep has the same energy as the early Rox and John episodes.

Edit 43: John having a moment of lucidity. “Am I delusional?” :(

Edit 44: Jac being bitter about Fletch/Abi is funnier if you pretend she fancies Abi.

Edit 45: “And then there’s Henrik, he’s tied up in this too!” But the writers barely let him interact with John for some reason.

Edit 46: John fully back in psychosis.

Edit 47: Paul McGann played an absolute blinder in this episode. He’s so fantastic.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Time for "Primum Non Nocere" part 2, ft. Henrik giving John the cutest look he's ever given anyone over the whole 12 years he was on the show!!!

Edit 1: Fleur!!

Edit 2: Not John monologuing on main.

Edit 3: Obsessed with the all-lowercase "fifteen hours earlier" right in the bottom left of the screen.

Edit 4: Did John just say the anaesthetist was called Dr. Maja?? Or did I imagine that because that name comes up a lot in a certain fanfic I'm working on???

Edit 5: OH FUCK NOT JASON.

Edit 6: Dr. Philippe Duplessis has to be one of my favourite one-off Holby characters. I just love his enthusiasm.

Edit 7: Fleur!!! Jac's ex!! (Sorry, I heard the "Fleur and Jac are exes" theory from that anon once and immediately latched onto it.)

Edit 8: Jac to John: "Come too far not to trust you now."

Edit 9: Bernie still looking great.

Edit 10: "And then Gaskell went off somewhere - probably some archaic Neuro ritual."

Edit 11: John telling Meena she did the right thing like he's not about to kick her off the trial.

Edit 12: John monologuing again. His whole "progress requires sacrifice" philosophy is actually really interesting. If they'd stuck with him being so obsessed with saving Lana he didn't care if other patients died, that would've been far more interesting than making him a murderer.

Edit 13: Jason sticking up for Greta! Good for him.

Edit 14: John doing the "walk with me" thing, a la Henrik (and Anton Meyer before them, apparently, but I haven't seen that far back).

Edit 15: Oof, Berena arguing.

Edit 16: "Not without a miracle." Religious/spiritual themes popping up again.

Edit 17: Omggg Sacha talking about Fletch and Abigail's relationship in front of Abigail without knowing it's her Fletch is dating.

Edit 18: RIC WALKING IN LMAOOO

Edit 19: John dissociating on main. Patrick Homes really leaned into the whole 'crazy John' thing, and not in a good way. ://

Edit 20: JOHNRIK

Edit 21: I love how this scene is framed as if John is looking in the mirror and seeing Henrik.

Edit 22: Oof not John snapping at Henrik :(

Edit 23: Oh fuck the other trial patient is in a coma! And John is monologuing again!

Edit 24: John talking about people being defined by choices is always fascinating, given the later reveal that he doesn't believe in consciousness/free will.

Edit 25: Ric having no idea what everyone else is going on about at the meeting is hilarious!

Edit 26: Ah, that Fleur and Bernie scene.

Edit 27: "Statistically speaking, you should've broken up weeks ago!" I LOVE Greta.

Also, her saying "I'm fine! This is to be expected!" and then screaming in pain is very me.

Edit 28: Rox when John is dissociating: "Are you okay, John??" Does he LOOK okay??

Edit 29: "Sacha, that makes literally no sense." Ric in this episode is me in every conversation I've ever had.

Edit 30: "Does anyone have any idea what Mr. Levy is talking about??"

Edit 31: "Do you have any idea what that was all about?" "I just work here." Actual exchange between the Holby fandom and the Holby scriptwriters being made to write out those terrible storylines in Holby's final years, I swear.

Edit 32: Charlotte Dunn mention! It's so weird that Holby never introduced her.

Edit 33: Serena talking about Elinor. :(

Edit 34: But awww, Bernie hugging her!

Edit 35: Abi looking great in this episode. I love her fashion sense.

Also, Fletch, you're scared of being serious with a woman because you're gay, love.

Edit 36: "Can we get this meeting over and done with, please?!"

Edit 37: Jac asking John "what have you done to me?". And John's response, I've already forgotten it exactly but it's something like "nothing more than you asked for".

Edit 38: Maybe it's not going to work in the short-term, Serena, but your and Bernie's love ended up defying death so... that's an indicator it worked I think. 😂

Edit 39: Jemma Redgrave is so good.

Edit 40: Is it me or is John being a little gay with Dr. Philippe Duplessis?

Edit 41: Guinevere Elinor, awww.

Edit 42: OMG not Donna and Fleur giving sapphic advice to Serena. I love it.

Edit 43: I love Abigail.

Edit 44: Kind of cute watching Serena tell Bernie she needs their relationship to work in hindsight of them now being married.

Edit 45: Sacha on Jac: "She ignores the pain. She's done it her entire life." :(

Edit 46: John saying the neoconduit could cause more harm than good is incredibly dark in light of the theory that it caused Jac's tumour.

Edit 47: LOOK AT HIM HE'S SO IN LOVE

Edit 48: John monologuing again and I missed most of it because I was uploading that Henrik pic. Lmao.

Edit 49: "Are you asking me out on a date?" "Yes, yes I am." Henruss wore that conversation much better than Flabigail.

Edit 50: Oof, John kicking Meena off the trial.

Edit 51: John saying the neoconduit "may, one day, kill Jac Naylor." OOF. I know she did have it removed by Guy Self in November 2018 and if the tumour started growing after that it's unlikely to have been related to John's experiments (and if it had started surely it would have been noticed) but even the slimmest chance that it was makes these episodes incredibly dark.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Primum Non Nocere part 1 time!! This two-parter said gay rights. There’s not actually much Johnrik in it but still more than there was in most episodes around that point in S20 (seriously, the fact that John and Henrik basically stopped interacting to any significant degree around the middle point of the storyline, and only started interacting again once the audience had been safely assured that Henrik liked Roxanna, is one of the biggest reasons I think Johnrik was meant to be explicitly romantic and then Holby changed their minds) so... gay rights.

Edit 1: Serena at the very start of the episode: “I understand, Jason--” My mom, immediately: “You don’t understand Jason.”

Edit 2: BERNIE!!

Edit 3: Zav wearing a leather jacket, Nicky wearing a denim jacket, and Meena wearing a blazer... there are three types of people.

Edit 4: Jemma Redgrave has such a lovely voice. I could listen to her all day.

Edit 5: Meena: “The professor’s going to boot me off the trial faster than you can say ‘oh my god, that was really fast’!”

Edit 6: Jac being stunning as usual.

Also, a fun part of rewatching this storyline is seeing what queer outfit Roxanna is wearing this time.

Edit 7: “A special friend? Of the female variety?” Not sure Fletch has ever had a real special friend of the female variety in his life, Sacha.

Edit 8: Oh yeah, that scene where Lofty, Dom and Meena are all in a scene together dressed in the colours of the bi pride flag. Two bisexuals and a gay ally.

And lmaooo they could be so on the nose during this storyline. Meena misspelling Gaskell as Gaskill.

Edit 9: Lolll Meena’s rant at John.

Edit 10: John: “Responsibility is like trust. It isn’t given, it’s earned.”

Edit 11: Seeing Jac in a hospital gown is making me really sad.

Edit 12: Jac talking about risks on the trial is even sadder, given the theory that John’s experiments could have caused her tumour... :(

Edit 13: Bernie in a jumper with a button-up shirt underneath. She looks gorgeous. But mostly it’s making me laugh because we all know that’s also Henrik’s fashion sense. Jumpers with button-up shirts are queer culture.

Edit 14: Meena’s patient is so sweet.

Edit 15: Patient: “Is she [Roxanna] important?” Evidently not according to the writers, since they threw her away for manpain. :(

Edit 16: Meena fangirling over the chance to answer John’s phone in his absence is kind of cute.

Edit 17: Sacha and Fletch goofing off is really cute actually.

Edit 18: JOHNRIK!!! And they’re wearing basically the same outfit!!

Edit 19: Johnrik my beloveds!!!

Also, obsessed with Henrik praising John’s work and John being like “aside from massaging my ego, your point is what??”. Flirty nerds.

Edit 20: “What were you DOING in my LAB??”

Edit 21: Obsessed with John skipping down the stairs like a 5-year-old girl.

Edit 22: Awww. Jac, regarding two patients: “It’s beautiful, really, that level of commitment. Stays with you.”

Edit 23: Donna, Bernie, and Serena all in one scene. Gathering of the sapphics!

Edit 24: I love Bernie. She’s so nice.

Edit 25: The whole ‘cactus as a metaphor for Jac’ thing is weird to me but maybe I’m biased because I rewatched S13E44 recently, where Henrik compares Sahira to a rose to treat her as an object.

Edit 26: Bernie and Greta!

Edit 27: I’ve said it before but I love Greta. She’s a really good portrayal of an autistic young adult. She’s a far better character than Jason.

Edit 28: Meena in her detective era!

Edit 29: Bernie referring to Henrik by his first name. I can’t remember if this is the first time we see her do that. Kind of weird how they never interacted in any of her 2018 guest appearances. They were both there for the Jason and Greta/Dom and Lofty double wedding, but never actually interacted with each other there. So it was four years after Bernie’s 2017 exit before Henrik shared scenes with her properly again.

Edit 30: I love Abigail.

Edit 31: “Then we do it in 30 minutes!” BERNIE YOU ICON.

Edit 32: John being morally ambiguous on main.

Edit 33: OMG I’d forgotten this two-parter took place on my birthday! (The 19th of June.)

Edit 34: I still believe the reason Zav became so determined to expose Cameron was because he felt guilty for being on the sidelines and leaving the matters to other people despite knowing something was up during Gaskell.

Edit 35: Serena encouraging Bernie to kiss her by teasingly saying it’s “for research” makes me think of some of the jokes I’ve made before about Johnrik sleeping together “for research”.

Also, Bernie is so lovely.

Edit 36: Jac and Sacha :’))

Edit 37: “I will be [happy], once the Professor’s performed his magic trick.” :(

Edit 38: Ooh, Greta in labour. Guinevere about to have the best birthday. Not that I’m biased.

Edit 39: John threatening Meena. Oof. Also, John really does accuse a lot of people of being “mad” in this storyline. Projecting his own visibly poor mental health.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

Rewatching S20E23 “None but the Brave”. (Skipped the previous two episodes because there’s no Henrik or John in either of them.)

Edit 1: JAC MY BELOVED

Edit 2: Aww, John being all nerdy and adorable! And I love Rox’s outfit.

Edit 3: Jac looking hot as fuck.

Edit 4: John being both very traumatised and very autistic-adjacent here.

Edit 5: Has there EVER been a trans character in the Holbyverse who didn’t just pick a name that was a variation/gender-flipped equivalent of their birth name? Lily to Louis, Sarah to Sah, Hannah to Han... it’s ridiculous.

Also, Jac and Abigail would’ve been a way better romance than Fletch and Abigail, don’t you think?

Edit 6: Jac is gorgeous in this episode.

Edit 7: Ah yes, the coining of the term “Fletchsplaining”.

Edit 8: So many scenes of John being genuinely nice to people, like when he congratulates Nicky and Sacha on their trial. The whole “he’s pure evil” stuff was nonsense, they just leaned into it whenever they felt like making him an ableist caricature.

Edit 9: Not Abigail actually calling Jac hot!

Edit 10: Abi and Jac flirting in a conversation about a heart. This has “Henrik and Russ flirting in a conversation about a liver” energy.

Edit 11: John is really mumbling his lines in this episode. I keep having to turn the volume up.

Edit 12: To be fair, Sacha, I think John was trying to work for the best interests of Lana. Or what he thought were her best interests. Any of his other patients... perhaps not so much.

Edit 13: Fletch: “What about Emma? If you die, she grows up without a mum.” :(

Edit 14: I loved John’s curly hair era.

Edit 15: Sorry but I’m kind of getting to a point now where I don’t really care about Lofty’s grandma.

Edit 16: Frieda, to Han the nonbinary patient, on them saying some of their friends weren’t wholly accepting: “Give them time... but not too much.”

That’s actually really good advice.

Edit 17: OK I take it back about not caring about Lofty’s grandma.

Zav: “We need to know you’ve got enough stamina.”

Lofty’s grandma: “Never had any complaints before!”

Edit 18: I don’t know why this has just occurred to me, when I’ve watched numerous other episodes where she wears it and never really appreciated it, but it has - I love seeing Jac wear Elliot’s scrub cap.

Edit 19: John not wanting to operate on Jac for not-really-explained reasons is interesting.

Edit 20: What even was the point of Flac?

Edit 21: Donna looking gorgeous in this episode.

Edit 22: Fletch annoys me so much.

Edit 23: “I know you, Jac.” No you don’t, Fletch.

Edit 24: Frieda!

Edit 25: John being all mad-scientist-y! And stimming on main. I love him.

Edit 26: Oh god, random patient, please don’t feed John’s delusions of grandeur. Instead, do what I want to scream out with every Gaskell episode I watch: “Get John psychiatric help!!”

Edit 27: John to Jac: “You push yourself too hard, you’re unrealistic.”

Edit 28: I always love a good Jac and John scene.

Edit 29: Aw, I’d forgotten Frieda left for a while mid-season.

Edit 30: More John and Jac scenes! It’s my lucky day.