#my mother knows where I live

[shannaniganss]

When my sister told me she was going to be in a NYT article I didn’t think it would impact me on tumblr and now I keep seeing critiques of it and I have to grit my teeth and remind myself that they are not coming after my sister but the way the article was written but at the same time!! You better believe that if they didn’t reach out to our parents and allow them to speak on the matter, my mother would have rained hellfire upon that article. And upon me as well for not telling her it was going to happen. I had mental breakdowns leading up to the publication and then I saw the publication and was like. Oh. Yeah. She just lies. And yeah that sucks and is fucking with me right now. But like. I still understand why they asked her for comment. And yeah I would have wanted the article written differently but like. Idk it makes me upset that people seem more upset than I am and my family is actually in the article. And maybe that’s because I feel stuck and I wish I could be like my sister and escape but I am still enmeshed in my parents life bc I am less than an hour away and they still financially help me and it’s like. Am I an ungrateful bitch? Or am I a traitor to my sister? And now every time I see the article on my dash I get dealt psychic damage and have the urge to defend my sister even though no one is attacking her. And so I’m a tangled knot of emotions, emotions I was taught to suppress and bury, and yeah. Idk. I felt the urge to vent.

[bunnieswithknives]

I feel bad for neglecting Hazel so much, I do have many thoughts about her.. and also a mermaid au that im probably not going to do anything with

[space-sheep08]

Actually so tired that people mainly focus on the bdsm when they talk about La Pianiste when we literally have this dynamic right here. Like, that's insane.

What if you were a little girl in her 40's who couldn't grow up because of your mother-wife who made you sleep in her bed and forced you to repress every sexual desires and thoughts of becoming your own person just to keep you close to her ? What if you fought back and yearned for dangerous things out of her reach ? But also, what if you let her because it's all you've ever known and been taught to want ?

[kindred-spirit-93]

cassandra & clytemnestra

class doodles <3

cassandra: super proud of how she turned out!! i love noses so much and ive managed to give her a really glorious one today. she got a few compliments too hehe

clytemnestra: idk how well ive managed to depict it lol but cly is both mourning iphigenia and planning out her vengeance. its going to be a long 10 years but she will have her killers blood.

--

i still have a long way to go till i finish the iliad so i dont know everyones story yet, i do know however that cly like many before and after her arent often portrayed with the complexities that make them them, that make them human, but instead as paragons or pariahs. and i think theres lots to be said on the matter, but i dont want to get ahead of myself lol. anyway enjoy :D

[sincericida]

ANDREW GARFIELD

photographed by Liz Collins for Port Magazine.

«In our final cover story for Issue 35, Andrew Garfield opens up to Daisy Edgar-Jones about the emotional impact of his latest film, We Live In Time. Garfield wears Loro Piana AW24 throughout. Photography Liz Collins. Pre-order here: buff.ly/3yOxjgS» [Port Magazine tt]

Article here.

[brighteuphony]

I was curious and I don't know if you've said any where, but why do you call your civillian Sakura au Coven!sakura?

It was because I wanted Sakura to go for a more witchy/healer vibe as a counterpart to the canon doctor/medic- I mentioned in an earlier post that Saeko was once part of a mermaid coven (covens being almost pregenitors of clans as we know them), but since giving away her pearl, was outed from the coven and forced to wander the earth- so I eventually had her and Sakura become a coven together (first human matriarch in ages!!!), in which they become bound by blood and chakra as family.

Being in a coven is like being in a clan, but with extra benefits (and costs)

Also because Sakura's civilian status doesn't really describe the vibes of the AU as well as Coven does (in my head). Hope that answer that! It's very convoluted and silly!!

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[raycatz]

something something my mom has always been very strict that my family eat healthy. Organic, no junk food, no sugar, etc. but it got to the point of starting to go on fad diets progressively cutting more and more out to try and see what might fix whatever health issue we might have had at the time. no milk. no eggs. no soy. no wheat. no white rice. whatever it was she had read was evil that week. It didn't lead to a very good relationship with food!

anyways this is just to say I am so glad to the summer camp I work at for how good the food is. I am so thankful that camp has the resources to provide us with so many options. when we make pack out requests I can ask for nearly anything. even things that aren't in the kitchen I can request for it to be brought up from a town run. I can even request individual items on recs on the side just for me or my staffmates. An individual yogurt. A single gluten free muffin. And because our kitchen staff are awesome they'll do that for us!

We rarely had strawberries at home 1) because they had to be organic and 2) because organic berries are expensive and my mom would always guilt trip us or point it out when when we got them. But at camp when cooking out it's really common to get strawberries. It's just something you can do. They're not organic and I don't care. I'm just happy to get to eat.

Desserts, too. There will sometimes be a camper who will go, "my mom doesn't want me eating sugar. I should only eat half." Kiddo I won't tell if you don't. Your mom isn't here. I'm happy if you eat and enjoy eating.

One of the things we're taught when trained is to not try and control the kid's eating and thank goodness for it! Just make sure they're eating something. If kiddo doesn't want to eat anything but cheerios for the week- that's fine. They're eating. Offer them what else is available but like, that's it that's enough.

If we have leftovers by the end of the week we'll keep what can be used next session and send the rest home with the campers. Last summer I sent a camper home with two loaves of bread and it was so funny watching them proudly show them off. Last summer kitchen was testing out a teriyaki turkey bacon recipe and they had sooo much leftover, but my unit liked it, and we were able to send all the kids home with a baggie of it. The was a session where we had a lot of leftover apples and dessert toppings so we had a candied apple party with lunch before sending the kids home on the bus. The kids were thrilled! On Mondays, the campers choose what they want to eat at cookouts for the week and then at the cookouts they're part of the process, getting to help start the fire, cook, clean. If they're older, we encourage and guide them to lead cookouts themselves.

There is no evil food. It's one of the most rewarding things to feed these kids!

[meggydolaon]

Under-acknowledged fact about Grima is that she's supposed to be 20 or so (or however old Lucina is) years older than the Robin we play as. This means she is not only Evil Robin, but more distinctly MILF Robin. In this essay I will

[owletstarlet]

Got the thing :’)

[navree]

people doing this whole "look at how rhaenys acted with corlys's bastard son vs how catelyn acted with jon snow" to demonize one or the other is weird because, like, maybe it's just me, but i think that catelyn and rhaenys had different reactions because they're different people in different situations.

[cultivating-wildflowers]

Tonight’s anecdote from the knitting circle:

When one of the ladies, Ruth, was a girl, mid-Michigan had a really bad tornado season. One day a raven turned up on her family's back porch and, as a joke, her mother opened the door and said, “Well, Jimmy, are you coming in or what?”

And the raven came inside.

He proceeded to make himself at home. He had a favorite perch on one of the armchairs and would clean his claws on the fabric. They fed him outside in an old enclosed dog kennel. He was evidently well-mannered and didn't disrupt the household at all. He simply strutted around like he owned the place and that was that.

Near as they could guess, the storms had disoriented him and he'd made himself welcome at the first friendly house he found.

But word eventually got around about the family who'd been adopted by a raven. A few months later, while Ruth and Jimmy were chilling outside, a car pulled up in front of the house. A man opened the door and called, "Hey, Pete! Come on, let's go home!"

Jimmy (or Pete) hopped on into the car and it drove away.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[tazabel]

Ok, Odysseus, the raining* king of Ithaca, is my Roman Empire.

And I don't particularly mean all the "adventures" he went through or the wrong he might have done.

It's the pain of a parent who has not been able to watch his child grow up.

He remembers him as a baby. He was once very close to home, to be able to see (and raise) him still as a child, but that too was taken from him. If it weren't for the right circumstances, he might not have recongnise him in adulthood.

* I apologize for this silly joke that still makes me smile.

[sincericida]

ANDREW GARFIELD

for Port Magazine.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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