#my mother knows where I live

[shannaniganss]

When my sister told me she was going to be in a NYT article I didn’t think it would impact me on tumblr and now I keep seeing critiques of it and I have to grit my teeth and remind myself that they are not coming after my sister but the way the article was written but at the same time!! You better believe that if they didn’t reach out to our parents and allow them to speak on the matter, my mother would have rained hellfire upon that article. And upon me as well for not telling her it was going to happen. I had mental breakdowns leading up to the publication and then I saw the publication and was like. Oh. Yeah. She just lies. And yeah that sucks and is fucking with me right now. But like. I still understand why they asked her for comment. And yeah I would have wanted the article written differently but like. Idk it makes me upset that people seem more upset than I am and my family is actually in the article. And maybe that’s because I feel stuck and I wish I could be like my sister and escape but I am still enmeshed in my parents life bc I am less than an hour away and they still financially help me and it’s like. Am I an ungrateful bitch? Or am I a traitor to my sister? And now every time I see the article on my dash I get dealt psychic damage and have the urge to defend my sister even though no one is attacking her. And so I’m a tangled knot of emotions, emotions I was taught to suppress and bury, and yeah. Idk. I felt the urge to vent.

[bunnieswithknives]

I feel bad for neglecting Hazel so much, I do have many thoughts about her.. and also a mermaid au that im probably not going to do anything with

[space-sheep08]

Actually so tired that people mainly focus on the bdsm when they talk about La Pianiste when we literally have this dynamic right here. Like, that's insane.

What if you were a little girl in her 40's who couldn't grow up because of your mother-wife who made you sleep in her bed and forced you to repress every sexual desires and thoughts of becoming your own person just to keep you close to her ? What if you fought back and yearned for dangerous things out of her reach ? But also, what if you let her because it's all you've ever known and been taught to want ?

[sincericida]

ANDREW GARFIELD

photographed by Liz Collins for Port Magazine.

«In our final cover story for Issue 35, Andrew Garfield opens up to Daisy Edgar-Jones about the emotional impact of his latest film, We Live In Time. Garfield wears Loro Piana AW24 throughout. Photography Liz Collins. Pre-order here: buff.ly/3yOxjgS» [Port Magazine tt]

Article here.

[brighteuphony]

I was curious and I don't know if you've said any where, but why do you call your civillian Sakura au Coven!sakura?

It was because I wanted Sakura to go for a more witchy/healer vibe as a counterpart to the canon doctor/medic- I mentioned in an earlier post that Saeko was once part of a mermaid coven (covens being almost pregenitors of clans as we know them), but since giving away her pearl, was outed from the coven and forced to wander the earth- so I eventually had her and Sakura become a coven together (first human matriarch in ages!!!), in which they become bound by blood and chakra as family.

Being in a coven is like being in a clan, but with extra benefits (and costs)

Also because Sakura's civilian status doesn't really describe the vibes of the AU as well as Coven does (in my head). Hope that answer that! It's very convoluted and silly!!

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[meggydolaon]

Under-acknowledged fact about Grima is that she's supposed to be 20 or so (or however old Lucina is) years older than the Robin we play as. This means she is not only Evil Robin, but more distinctly MILF Robin. In this essay I will

[navree]

people doing this whole "look at how rhaenys acted with corlys's bastard son vs how catelyn acted with jon snow" to demonize one or the other is weird because, like, maybe it's just me, but i think that catelyn and rhaenys had different reactions because they're different people in different situations.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[tazabel]

Ok, Odysseus, the raining* king of Ithaca, is my Roman Empire.

And I don't particularly mean all the "adventures" he went through or the wrong he might have done.

It's the pain of a parent who has not been able to watch his child grow up.

He remembers him as a baby. He was once very close to home, to be able to see (and raise) him still as a child, but that too was taken from him. If it weren't for the right circumstances, he might not have recongnise him in adulthood.

* I apologize for this silly joke that still makes me smile.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[micechicken]

"You look an awful lot like your mother. I hope you're nothing like her."

Myrtle's mother Mystira, often nicknamed Myst.

She was the soul mate to the King of Rudor, Leroy. She was not born royal, but that has never been something that was looked down on in regards to becoming royal. Myst was born in a small village that was secluded from the rest of the kingdom, known as Brindlefell. It's the only place in all of Rudor that ever speaks about the Malterns and magic as speaking about it is considered forbidden by law due to the nature of the departure of the Malterns. This became so true that it as almost completely forgotten outside of Brindlefell save for stories about magic that seemed to have vanished one day.

Leroy longed to marry his soulmate whoever they may be, something shared by many but not all, as a soulmate is one who best connects to you in someway, and is personally picked by Selene. He actually even sent out for finding the one who received the same markings he made (as any intentional marking you make on your body will magically appear on the same place on your soulmate). After discovering her he was smitten and they quickly wed as soon as they could.

Though she knew such things were forbidden, she admitted the truth about keeping the history of the Malterns, hoping that her soulmate must understand. But he quickly forbid any more talks of them, and that it was for the better.

After the birth of Myrtle, Myst often told stories to her daughter even before she could fully understand. It was under the guise of fairytales and myths but they were all related to the Malterns and the magic that once was present in the land and the history of Rudor. After telling the stories she'd write them down and draw out pictures of things so that Myrtle could read them whenever. Myrtle still preferred to hear her mother tell the stories.

This was all in secret with only the 3 family members being aware of the stories. But sometimes there would be slip ups and word got around about the queen speaking about magic and Malterns. Claiming that his wife must have lost her mind, Leroy had her locked up in a personal cell. Begrudgingly he allowed Myrtle to visit her mother as he was concerned how disallowing it may affect her. Anytime Myrtle ever spoke up about anything from the stories he scolded her for focusing on "fiction" and to keep in mind she'd be queen one day.

Even despite being locked up Myst still kept telling stories and even made up some. Often crying and lamenting her reality between visits from others. At times she'd write messages to Leroy on her body so he'd see them, which he often ignored.

Almost to Myrtle's birthday Myst became very ill with something very unknown, thought to be native to Brindlefell as that's the only location known to have it. But it had no cure. Despite all efforts of the royal help and medical staff, she grew sicker. On Myrtle's birthday she got to preform her coming of age ceremony and discovered her wolf form. Unfortunately it was also the night her mother past away, leaving Myrtle with just the book her mother created left to her.

Myrtle continued to view them as just stories until she met Nym.

Mystira's shifted form was also a Wolf. Leroy's is a peafowl.

[sincericida]

ANDREW GARFIELD

for Port Magazine.

[hauntingblue]

Ace...?? they cloned my beautiful wife...

[transgendercastiel]

I have the autistic collector / wants stuff impulse but I’m so scared of people knowing my interests that I never even use my “for fun stuff” money to buy anything. I’ve never bought anything related to anything i enjoy ever and it gnaws at me a little

[cluescorner]

Randomized Robins AU - Ages + Worst Trait Exercise:

Steph (25):

Says her worst trait is her murderous rages (she is exaggerating for dramatic/comedic effect, she’s killed 3 people tops and for very good reason)

Thinks her worst trait is her spitefulness (one of the few traits she definitely got from her father + one that prevents her from fixing her relationships and living her best possible life. She’ll refuse to interact with someone she dearly loves after an argument (happens significantly less after Tim’s death) or will say things she knows are hurtful just for the sake of having the last word. This trait will worsen in some ways as the list of people who have wronged her and those she loves grows, but will also ease up as she matures and realizes the harm it’s doing to her relationships with those she loves most.)

Her worst trait really is her spitefulness

Cass (26)

Says her worst trait is her self-righteousness (she believes that her goals are righteous and, as a result, she is righteous. Cass becomes very defensive whenever someone questions the mission and often does not second-guess herself. This is a trait she only develops later in life as she grows closer to Bruce/learns to understand herself more/starts to love herself more. But she knows she isn’t perfect and when somebody she trusts criticizes something she is doing she is willing to listen. She just usually isn’t the one to START the introspection.) 

Thinks her worst trait is her self-righteousness. 

Her worst trait actually is her obsessiveness (she gets it from Bruce and, while not as bad as him, she will easily become preoccupied with her night-life and the mission if someone isn’t there to pull her back. She will do this to the point of self-destruction and it hurts her relationships with the people she loves, especially Steph.)

Tim (24)

Says his worst trait is his spitefulness (he actively rejects the idea of mending his relationships with the older members of the family and this causes him to also lack good relationships with the younger ones)

Thinks his worst trait is his obsessiveness (similar to Cass, if he gets fixated on a task or idea he will neglect everything else in his life in order to dedicate more time to it. Unlike Cass, he will almost never be dragged away from it unless Pierrot snatches control of the body and forces them to take care of themself.)

His worst trait actually is how manipulative he is (the KING of guilt-tripping and using people’s emotions against them. He’ll do whatever he needs to do to get what he wants, he’s not above crocodile tears. And he will do it to whoever he needs (or wants) to with little care for how his actions impact others.)

Pierrot (Insists: “Age doesn’t apply to me! And even if it did, I'd probably be the oldest. Or the youngest! I’d never be a middle child, though.” Mental assessments by the Bats have put him around 21, with a margin of error of 3 years. Pierrot has called this “blatant character assassination by my eternal rival!”)

Says his worst trait is that he is an irredeemable psychopath without any regard for the wellbeing of others (this is a lie and everyone who's important to him understands this). 

Thinks his worst trait is his parasitic nature (he literally would not exist had Tim not suffered the way he did. Plus he is a living reminder of one of the worst things that happened to many of his loved ones. He is a parasite injected into a functional person's body and contributes to his continued suffering. This is also a largely incorrect judgement of himself, caused by his actual worst trait.)

His worst trait actually is his limited sense of self (he doesn’t really know who he is outside of ‘inheritor to the legacy of the Joker (a man he despises yet also views as a father)’ and ‘chip in Tim’s brain that became sentient’. He slowly develops an identity over the course of his life and relationships with other people, but he lacks the foundations of identity that most people have. Pierrot will often almost become a caricature of himself and what others perceive him to be because it's the only person he knows how to be. This causes wild swings in how he behaves and relates to others, sometimes to the detriment of himself and others.)

Dick (17) 

Says his worst trait is his clinginess (he is a very extraverted person who likes to be around others, which mixed with his fear of abandonment after his parents died means that if he goes a few days without seeing/talking to a friend he will get very anxious.)

Thinks his worst trait is his anger issues (he gets ticked off very easily and will explode on people. He’s kind at his core and is usually very nice, but he has a temper that can escalate significantly. Spoiler (and later Twist) help him channel this anger into something positive.)

His worst trait actually is his anger issues.

Barbara (18)

Says her worst trait is her disability (internalized ableism, she thinks of herself as less valuable than the other Bats because she cannot be out there in the capes like they can. She will grow out of this as she matures and as she learns how invaluable her support for the team is.)  

Thinks her worst trait is her disability 

Her worst trait actually is her overly-independent nature (In an attempt to overcompensate for everything she can no longer do, she has resolved to do literally everything that she possibly can without any help from others. This results in many instances where she either takes on too much and winds up not being able to fully realize any of her tasks or where she makes her life and the lives of others significantly harder by refusing help when offered/not asking for it when she needs it.)

Damian (16)

Says his worst trait is his perfectionism (he is overly critical of both himself and others, taking any flaw or problem and amplifying it to an absurd degree. This is due in part to his life with the LoA (where even a brief misstep could lead to death), in part to how others treated him initially as Spoiler (any flaw was fixated on and used as a reason to either mistrust him or portray him as unworthy of the mantle), and in part due to the fact that he is Bruce’s son (the only person with worse perfectionism problems than Damian). Gradually, Damian has improved in this regard but it’s still a massive barrier to both his own happiness and his relationships with others.)

Thinks his worst trait is his perfectionism 

His worst trait actually is his perfectionism

Duke (16)

Says his worst trait is his definitely-real secret evil side (says this as a ‘my dad is a villain so who knows??’ joke)

Thinks his worst trait is his impulsivity in his words (Sometimes he will crack a joke or say a remark without thinking it through, leading to a LOT of hurt feelings and drama. He’ll say something without thinking it through and wind up seeming insensitive. This isn’t done because of malice, rather because Duke is someone who’s quick to act and speak. But while the mantle of Insight and his awakening powers have helped him with his actions, they do not always help with his loose tongue. As such, Duke gains an unfair reputation in the media as an instigator and will accidentally cause family drama through what he says.)

His worst trait actually is his impulsivity in his words

Jason (14)

Says his worst trait is his bad manners (he grew up on the streets and has no idea how rich-people society works, which he’s pretty insecure about considering he’s now the youngest kid of Bruce freaking Wayne). 

Thinks his worst trait is his reactiveness (Jason never got the privilege of planning ahead for various events in his life, so he instead needed to rely on being swift and harsh in how he could react to situations. It’s saved his life on multiple occasions and helps significantly in his role as Spoiler, but it can also lead to extreme overreactions (accidentally causing kidnapping scare after Jason ran away following a fight with Dick) and a struggle to plan things out ahead of time. As he grows more secure in his place in the family and in life, this trait will lessen but never fully dissipate.)

His worst trait actually is his reactiveness