#my mom pointed out a while ago that my dad has attachment issues caused by his own childhood

[juuls]

Pharmacist/Me = 1 🏆 Doctor/Nursing Staff = 0

Thank you in advance for reading this rant. I’ve been really frustrated and just needed to get this off my chest, and today at least I had a wonderful knight in a white lab coat. 🩺❤️‍🩹🥽🥼💪🏻

Content warnings and squicky squicks: (further down there is) an image of a medical vial with a clipped image of a more benign part of a syringe, health conditions (endometriosis, fibromyalgia), menstrual cycles and associated terms such as bleeding and other things, lack of empathy in my specific healthcare system, hysterectomies, pain, swearing and losing patience. Most important warning: self-administered syringes and injection discussions of legal medications (Depo-Provera) approved of by professionals and properly researched. P.S. this may sound rather Karen-like but I would never do this to someone’s face. Online ranting and acknowledging where I could do better is not the same as screaming in public for bossy requests or comps, etc. Ew.

Another ‘warning’… pharmacists being kick-ass allies and giving a damn about their patients.

I’m really annoyed because (and I know healthcare and scheduling is a clusterfuck right now, but…) for over a month now I’ve been trying to get an appointment in person to get this injectable medication that is, yes, birth control, but is also used for endometriosis in my case. And I have severe endometriosis (exacerbated severely by fibromyalgia, siiiiigh) to the point I bleed enough and lose so much I have to go to the hospital when my care is not properly preventative… like in this case, and the pain is unbelievably severe also to the point I’ve spent time in the hospital, including my 11th Christmas Eve and Day. I started this injectable medication at 13 because it was the only thing that came close to helping reduce my endometrial tissue. Even a hysterectomy wouldn’t help as much, unless they decided to go the super invasive route and remove all the organs (or parts of them) that had become ‘infected’ by the tissue. Again, tissue where it’s not supposed to be, and it causes extreme pain as the tissue tries to flush out of my body each period, even if it’s attached to, like, my pancreas. Just no. That does not work at all. No. That is not fun.

SO. I’m 31, nearing 32, and the doctor’s office knows this. I’ve had the same doctor since I was 10. Been on this medication nearly non-stop for just shy of two decades (with appropriate precautions such as bone density tests) because of the absolute severity of the pain and my inability to function when it hits… which can be months at a time of non-stop bleeding and morning sickness-level nausea and vomiting, migraines and the occasional complete inability to move—in other words, it’s debilitating.

My doctor (even the nurses, as it’s in large print at the top of my file in the system) knows all about this. They’re supposed to call me if I’m overdue by a certain margin (I get they’re busy but months and months???). But my doc’s also a bit of an airhead (albeit a smart one when he focuses) and takes forever to reply to anything on time, even when it’s a severe issue, but not severe enough to go to the hospital. But it’s gotten to the point where the nurses say to go to the ER and then the ER nurses and doctors there get SUPER pissed off (AT ME AND SOMEHOW NOT AT MY DOCTOR/NURSES AND THEIR ORDERS) at the ‘waste of time’, and it’s just a clusterfuck.

Oh yeah, and that ER visit while I was overdue for my injection? Internal intestinal bleeding along with a lovely, even if small, perforation in my fucking uterus from the growth of endometrial tissue. I MEAN COME ON — WHAT IN THE HELL. Totally preventable if they fit me in when I called literally over a month ago.

But I will not change my doctor (the other docs at the practice know what is going on and have offered to take me on, but they don’t have the experience with myself and my conditions or the history, but they can do little else because of professional conduct—it’s between myself and my doc) because he is the only one who treats me with humanity and understands fibromyalgia, endometriosis, pre-MS and pre-RhA/PsA, endo-related IBS, (ulcerative) colitis, and other neurological conditions with any degree of empathy. (See, I told you I’m a mess!) There is no way I’m switching offices in the perpetual shortage of doctors in Canada moving elsewhere for m o n e y (plus Covid-19 being a teen hooligan and constantly coming back to wreck more goddamn shit, including everyone’s sanity, then setting things on fire like the real hooligans in my village have been doing this summer — I mean… what in the hell!?!?), so with all that in mind I actually thank my lucky stars. So I put up with a lot of this shit because he treats me, besides him being an airhead, like an actual human being deserving of compassion and care and quality of life despite my severe disabilities and pain. So.

I’m usually treated really well (even if they often think I’m a nuisance for daring to be severely chronically ill/in pain all the time) so I try to be patient and good and understanding when I can.

But his STAFF (I know they’re busy and I’ve been patient but they’ve been so awful honestly to the point I cried hard enough my dad noticed my red eyes and frustration-tear fracks on my face)! And the doc himself’s inability to reply to notes on time even when urgent and when he knows the circumstances (I admit I am a bit of a hard patient so I can understand if he just kinda ignores me sometimes, honestly). But in this case I was THREE DAMN MONTHS LATE for my injection and they’ve always called in the past when I was coming due if it looked like I hadn’t scheduled an injection, so that I was all on time and squared away and didn’t risk severe pain and damage to my already-fucked hormonal system (learning I couldn’t have kids was absolutely heartbreaking, let me tell you, but even a hysterectomy in that case would solve nothing — this is by far the easiest option, especially considering how my fibromyalgia would fuck with my post-surgery recovery and leave me with lasting pain for years if not decades; sigh).

Anyway. So. After some ridiculous levels of back and forth and some truly remarkable levels of lack of compassion (she kept giving me the exact same, word for word response in a bored tone UGH) considering the severe pain I was in (I was told, in front of OTHER PATIENTS AND STAFF, that I could just wait until I talk to the doctor myself at my next phone appointment and then schedule my injection for my next MONTHLY followup — 4.5 months overdue at that point, it would’ve been — because, and I quote, ‘am used to dealing with pain because of my fibromyalgia and years of dealing with it and other conditions’ which they named in front of others!!!!!!!! what. the. fuck. But I kept my cool because I know all these people, my mom taught their kids music, they’re a fixture of the community, etc. and I refuse to be a Karen…. At least externally.

But here comes the nice part that makes me love our new (okay, he’s been here like 5 years but still, in a small town that’s pretty new lmao) pharmacist that much more. Rasik was aware of my frustration with the doctor and nurses and was even the one who brought to my attention that, at the time, I was 2 months late for my injection and he was a bit concerned since he’s privy to how much pain I exist in without throwing in one or more knives directly into my womb, ovaries, tummy, hips, and other areas my endometrial tissue has taken root. He’s such a sweetheart and he really does care for his patients— the work he does with my father’s diabetes (the tricky one where you’re not obese) management is above and beyond the call of a pharmacist and I will forever be grateful for that alone, never mind how he cares for me.

So I went in today to pick up another medication, after yet another frustrating stop-over at the nurses’ desks, and he suggested I ask for my injectable medication (it’s Depo-Provera, by the way) and the syringe plus the two tips necessary — I’m actually familiar with this since I had to learn epinephrine injections from an early age (not Epipen) and how to give testosterone daily to my ex-husband (sorry not sorry, dude, but congrats on your first kid *grouchy thumbs up*). But yeah! Legally he’s not allowed to suggest I give it to myself, but he was getting super fed up with the nurses and doctors dragging their feet and ‘being assholes with little empathy’ in his own words, so I took the hint and requested my vial plus syringe, as well as the drawing and injection gauge needles…. which he gleefully filled for me, and I reiterated that it was ‘fully my idea, not yours, Rasik, because everyone knows I’m dumb and would never think it’s you if something happened’ (I’m not dumb and I’ve given injections to others many times looool).

Long story short: HERE’S TO PHARMACISTS AROUND THE WORLD, BEING AMAZING AND CARING FOR THEIR PATIENTS AND ‘BENDING BUT NOT REALLY BENDING’ THE RULES TO MAKE SURE THEIR CLIENTS ARE CARED FOR PROPERLY. They are amazing and deserve every last bit of your courtesy, especially when they pull double duty every. single. day. because of Covid and their subsequent boosters. (i.e. boosters in the form of humans who are fucking stupid if they have no medical reason not to get the vaccine… I mean JFC.)

Rasik? You are amazing and I am 100% going to find you some Indian-Canadian (or North Indian; I believe that’s where he’s from originally) treats or desserts or make some myself after slyly asking his assistant what he leans toward liking.

Be kind to one another, yeah, but… my goodness: be kind to those who can truly make a difference in your health, sanity, and even life or death.

Pharmacists, volunteers, and frontline health workers: the true heroes of these times.

Thank you so much. So very much.

💜💙🇨🇦👨🏽‍⚕️❤️‍🩹🙏🏻

P.S. … now I just gotta stab myself intramuscularly after making sure there’s no air bubbles and etc., and swap out to the proper gauge needle (different, smaller, to draw from the vial, larger to inject so that it goes in more quickly and, oddly enough, hurts less haha). I don’t think air bubbles are as much of an issue as when injecting intravenously (ummm I have a doctor uncle and grandma nurse and nurse friends, so shush 😆). But I’ve done this for others and animals so I should be good! :)

I’m a smart enough cookie even if I’ve lost a few nibble-size pieces around the edges. 😉😘 buahaha

Cheers to my pharmacist!!!! You are amazing and I can’t wait for the pain and months and months of bleeding to settle down.

Remind me again why humans are the only mammals (animals?) with monthly fluxes? UGH wtf ever. 🙃

[ziracona]

please bless me with all of your dbd headcanons even just a crumb would satisfy me,,,,, lmao. Fr tho ur hcs are godly pls give me all of them especially for og 4 and wraif

Thank you!! I’m glad you like my hot takes!

Let’s see, og4.

Jake grows facial hair pretty easy (that part is just canon). Usually he either lets it grow and ignores it till it gets long, or stays cleanshaven, but the in-between stage is physically painful for everyone else at the campfire bc you wake up and see rugged 2day scruffy woodsman stretch and he sees you staring and goes, “What?” Looking thoroughly unimpressed and Meg sheds a tear and Claudette pretends to not be looking and stares at her journal and Dwight gets heart palpitations it’s just bad for the whole group. When he shaves he’s an edgy dumbass and does it with a sharpened hunk of metal he made into a knife for himself and Dwight saw him shaving once and had to go sit down.

Jake has a soft spot for many of the survivors he’s known longer (honestly at this point, he’s pretty attached to the lot of them though), but especially the ones who work really hard at protecting other survivors. Double points if you’re younger than him. He would kill for Claudette, and take a bullet meant for Quentin, but would not convey this to them at all. Jake puts almost zero effort into making sure people knows he likes them. The people he has a soft spot for especially are also not always the ones he prefers to spend time with. While they’re survivors he spends less time with personally, Jake respects Feng Min for being the snarky little gremlin she is, and Tapp’s dedication to his job even here. Weirdly, while the people he likes often aren’t aware of affection, the ones he respects but isn’t as close to usually are aware of the respect. Jake also thinks he doesn’t like having friends and spending time not alone, but he does.

If asked point blank his thoughts on a survivor he likes, he’d probably just shrug or say, “They contribute to the team,” or “She works hard,” or “He’s fine,” because Jake just be like that. He had a hard time getting close to anyone initially because of how he grew up. Jake’s very guarded. He’s used to people manipulating and using each other, which makes keeping anything vulnerable close to his chest just necessary as he sees it. Boy doesn’t trust easy. Or open up. Ya need a can opener. Boy also does not like getting pushed around. Least favorite killers (aside from Nightmare) are probably Doctor and Ghostface, because he cannot stand being forced to do things or used. He’d rather take a chainsaw to the back than have someone lord power over him. He’s also got a looong memory, so if you fuck him over, he is not the kind to forget and forgive. He is the kind to resent and remember. Not that he never forgives people, but boy would have to really believe whatever happened was regretted and the person wasn’t like that anymore to let something that made him very angry go. He’s quiet angry though. Bide your time and get vengeance kinda angry. Would never let someone push him around. If a killer tried to fuck with him, he’d do everything in his power to kill them.

While Jake is tough and likes to hike just to be out and moving, and enjoys toughing it out, Meg enjoys being outside more as a fun thing than a wildnerness lifestyle thing. She has a lot of energy, and even in the realm, all that adhd can be a bitch. It would be easy to focus on the shitty stuff happening and drown in that, so she likes to keep moving, like she has since she was a kid and started running. Meg loves hard, and if she cares about you, she’ll make sure you know it. Not good at shutting up or realizing if she’s been going on for too long, girl has passion for everything.

Meg talks a big game, but does not have as much confidence as she pretends to have. She has abandonment issues, but they’re less, ‘my dad abandoned me’ and more ‘everyone but my mom, from him to grade school friends, hasn’t stuck around,’ so she does worry about that and coming on too strong, which she is aware she often does, but she can’t get herself to turn down the power settings on herself even when she tries. She’s never been good at making friends, so all of this in the realm is kinda new to her, since no one can leave. Meg would tell almost no one those things about herself. She cares hard though, and will try to distract other people from realm despair any way she can, because it’s what she needs and she assumes what they must need too. And to be fair, she ain’t wrong. Good at cultivating activities and drinks loving her friends juice.

Big goofball. BIG goofball. Also big gay. Well, bi af, but w a pretty strong preference for the ladies. She is simple of heart. Sees a girl, loses ability to think. Bonded with Nea over this problem. High int, low wisdom, big dumbass. Her weaknesses include girls’ eyes, voices, accents, freckles, scars, stomachs, legs, ass, titties, hair, hair dye, laughs, hands, eye contact, and cute accessories. Not great at expressing her feelings when she catches them, but tries hard. Actually pretty good at romancing once she gets into the groove. It’s just getting there she sucks at. Loyal as hell. Will go to bat for her friends and would rather die than betray them.

Meg has a real temper, especially when she feels like something being done to her or someone else is unjust/unfair, and will always try to fix those things even when it’s hopeless. Can and will weaponize her anger��extremely effectively. Ridiculous memory for pop culture, shit memory for homework and things she was supposed to be doing. Memelord, but with some class.

Idk if this is because I identified with Claudette really strongly when I first started playing dbd or not, but I have always seen her as Asexual & Panromantic. Attracted to kindness. 

She gets overwhelmed fairly easily, but has been improving that by necessity since arriving in the realm, and can tap into the mom-friend override to fix problems for people who aren’t her. Has a hard time telling when people are teasing her/joking, but everyone knows this so they take it easier on her than each other.

Like Meg, had no friends before this, so it’s exciting and new, and a little scary, but mostly really good. She worries about other people a lot, and doesn’t always know how to help, but she tries. Very relieved Dwight volunteered to be team leader.

Enjoys recording things and studying. Would be fascinated by the Entity’s world if she wasn’t always being killed. Seems small and weak and easy to take down, but she has the strength of will to kill God herself if backed into a corner, especially when fighting for someone she loves. Sweet does not mean she will not fight back, and since being in the realm, and getting over her initial freezing up at the sight of horrifying murderers, she has worked extremely hard to be brave and take an active roll protecting people whenever she can. She is still terrified a lot, but has learned to push through that to help her friends and herself.

Loves animals, including ones a lot of people don’t like (bugs, snakes, rats, etc) and would and has definitely tried to snag a scorpion and a cockroach from trials to study before, and tried to befriend the realm rats now that they exist. Tries to get Jake to show her how to get birds to like you but does know how to ask him right.

Nervous about interpersonal relationships and unsure of herself. Really likes everyone but horrible at telling how other people feel. Feels like she always comes off wrong and can’t put words to things well even when she understands them super well. Does her best 24/7. Incredibly smart and talented. Knowledgeable about her passions. Is always thinking 4th dimensionally and has saved the team many a time by pulling off wild bullshit that makes sense kind of just barely but no one else would have thought of.

Dwight was a loser and kind of a douche growing up, kind of selfish and entitled and weak, but is no longer that person after a few years in the realm. He works hard to make good on his promises to look out for everyone, and cares about them very genuinely. Great at thinking on his feet and sounding like he knows more than he does, wonderful at regulating tasks to people efficiently, and not a bad strategist. 

Being the kind of person now who would not have liked the person he was a few years ago causes a little cognitive dissonance and self-doubt, but he’s trying. Genuinely enjoys hearing about people’s days and interests even when he’s completely lost. 

Not a fan of heights. If the fear of heights was not vastly overpowered by fear of sharp object, he would actively avoid the old ironworks in trials, but alas.

Used to play video games a lot. Thought he was good at them. Was not. Was definitely not.

Self-improvement king. Works hard and is a really decent dude. A very good sport. Used to be an asshole, so now that he’s nice he’s pretty damn forgiving if other people put in the work to improve too (my boy’s no hypocrite). Has mellowed out a lot and is pretty chill and nice but the damn fool will break his own heart by taking things people say the wrong way, or things they mean as a joke literally, if it’s something he thinks is true about himself, and will totally miss context and vocal inflection and just be like, “I know but I’m trying TuT.”

Big gay but in denial and confused

Just at this point really does want people to get to go home and be ok. Loves hearing stories and listening to his friends talk at the campfire because it makes him feel like things might be okay. Get the same result just by being near his friends, especially the other og3 who have been with him forever. If they’re all still there, things have to turn out okay someday. :’ ) Has never really told them that, because he’s supposed to be the leader, and thinks they’d feel less secure if they knew he depends on being able to sleep close to them at night to feel like he’ll be okay himself. Not in a they’d judge me way, but in a I really don’t want to let them down way. He wants them to think he’s got a handle on things even when he really doesn’t.

I was gonna do Philip too but I got this this morning and this post is already ridiculously long TuT, so here you go. Plus one mini Philip one.

Philip feels responsible for the young man he saw his boss kill the day the Entity got him. He knows that he killed scores of people unknowingly for Azarov, and those weigh, but he thinks sometimes late at night that if he could have just saved that one, it might have been enough to make him feel absolved someday for all the other deaths on his head. He remembers his face very well, and how terrified he was, and the moment of confusion and relief, and almost gratefulness when Philip let him go. He thinks over and over that if he’d just talked to him–assumed something was up, and gotten him to be quiet. Seen Azarov in time and stopped him. So many little things, and the young man would have lived. Even if the others were things he was completely blind to, he feels like that one is especially his fault, and that he could have stopped it. That one really haunts him.

[purplesurveys]

1085

survey by -egocentricity-

On Myspace, what was in the last bulletin you posted? I haven’t been on Myspace for well over a decade; and even when I was there I didn’t have any friends added nor did I remember ever posting anything. Friendster and Multiply were a lot more popular.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? I took a selfie last Saturday in the dining room. It’s of me holding up the vape pen that Andi lent me for the meantime to show Angela, since she wanted to see what it looked like.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? I remember being lightly chided once when I was like, 7 – I was leaning on a glass wall of a store in the mall, so the guard from that store nicely told me to get back up to be safe. Overall, I don’t think I’ve ever exhibited behavior in public that should’ve gotten me into trouble.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? Definitely not so much these days. I need to keep being preoccupied with work or other things to do/accomplish since my daydreaming always seems to end with thinking of scenarios that now upset me, like, idk, happier times with my ex. I’m tired of letting that happen and always being upset in the end, so I try to avoid getting lost in my thoughts anymore.

What's your favorite thing to think about as you're falling asleep? Idk about you but thinking in general keeps my mind up and racing lol, so when I’m trying to sleep I do my best to black out my mind so that I can doze off.

Is there anything that you want to do, but won't because you're too afraid? So I went to college with this girl - I believe she’s several batches older - who, as soon as she graduated, set out on a hitchhiking journey across the world. She’s been doing it for four years, and I believe she has finally made it to Europe after being stuck in Kazakhstan for a year due to Covid. She’s amazing and her spirit is so fucking beautiful. She has a Facebook page that I actively follow detailing her experiences; but as great as her journey has been, I don’t know and I highly doubt that I can set out for such a demanding, commitment-heavy challenge myself.

Who was the last person to yell at you? My mom is the only person who does that, but she hasn’t done so in a while.

Who gets up the earliest in your household? The latest? My dad, since his work starts the earliest. I will sometimes hear the car engine purring by 5:45 AM. The latest would be my sister, since she stays up the latest as well. I think she’s up by 8 AM, but she doesn’t show up outside of her bedroom until 10 or 11.

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No, and I am glad that’s the case because both of my dogs are too big and I fear that they could actually snap my laptop in half.

What political issues do you think deserve less attention/worry? No political issue deserves any less attention than others. Political issues always mean that someone is on the losing end and I don’t think it’s fair to compare and decide which ones can be put on the backseat. 

Anyway, I do believe it’s not so much the issues that should be compared, but the people in politics who are given the spotlight. Here in the Philippines especially, a lot of celebrities want to have their own political careers (and usually win a seat) despite their zero experience and the media gobbles that shit up all the time, which is disgusting. Related to this, I hope the media makes a consicous effort to wipe Trump out of the headlines once he’s out of office.

Which political issues are you most passionate about? I dunno if I can measure that since I’m pretty vocal about a lot of things. What I can tell you is that in the political issues I have a say in, I always side with the marginalized and the oppressed. IPs, POC, LGBTQ+, immigrants, factory workers, jeepney drivers, contractualized employees, activists, student-activists...my heart has always been with them and their cause.

You're going to your favorite foreign country; what landmarks do you go see? I’m not sure if I have a favorite country, but I’m very picky about landmarks in general anyway. I’d rather experience the local life and eat at smaller local places and go to lesser-known beaches and stuff.

What is the longest amount of time that you have spent away from your home? A little longer than a week, and this was usually when I traveled abroad.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional effect on you? Yeah, so much so that I was unable to finish it and I had to show up at dinner while still fresh from crying.

What motivates you to go to school? Not applicable to me anymore, but I suppose this can be easily rephrased to mean work. Honestly, my main motivation is the desire to have a perfect record at work lol. I’m super neurotic about this and I hate the idea of being absent or late. Money comes second; I rarely buy stuff for myself so I mostly don’t even realize the money coming in to my account every two weeks. Then third is the desire to be good at my job because I do want to get promoted and rack up more positions as I go along.

How much caffeine have you consumed in one day? The most cups of coffee I’ve had in one day is 3, and that was not an enjoyable experience ha. Right now, I’m on my first cup of coffee.

Are you more hyper and up-tight, or laid back and relaxed? I guess it depends on the situation. I can definitely exhibit either, but my behavior will vary based on the people I’m with and/or how comfortable I am in a certain situation.

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? Around a week ago. My parents were having dinner separately and I heard my name being mentioned in a few sentences.

How did you pick out your last outfit? I wanted an outfit that was chill and easy to carry around, but would still make me look like I put some effort into picking it out.

When buying shoes, what do you look for in the product? I admittedly like brand names, so that’s the first thing I look at. I also like to keep up with what’s trending, so I look at items in a brand’s catalog that I see more and more people wearing. If it matches with my own personal style, then I keep an eye on it/purchase it altogether.

What happened to cause the last mess you made? The last and current mess I have on me is my work desk, which I’ve since abandoned in favor of my bed + portable desk as my new workspace. Idk, over the Christmas break I just ended up stacking up so much shit on the desk until it became a little too cluttered. I’ve cleaned it up here and there to make the space look neater, but there’s still a lot of stuff.

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? Not embarrassed; I just find it unnecessary. My bedroom is too small to host guests and the only times I’ve let someone in there is when I had a significant other. I prefer people to stay in the living room.

When was the last children's birthday party you attended? It was my third cousin Isabella’s 7th birthday party at a Jollibee. Her family has been living in Australia for a while, but I guess they wanted to host a party with their Filipino family so they flew back here to stay for a few days. Because she is my third cousin and because she’s been living in Australia all her life, I don’t actually have any sort of relationship with her lmao but I still made an effort to greet her and stuff.

Are you good at reading other people's body language? Yes, to the point that it contributes to my overall anxiety.

If you're sick, do you go to school or do you stay home [usually]? I rarely get a fever so when I do it feels like actual death. For that reason, I usually have to skip the day and focus on feeling better.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I never had it whenever I’ve felt like crap in the past. I don’t really like soup though, so on a personal level I doubt it would have any effect on me.

What is one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? I don’t have a go-to meal because again, I rarely get sick.

Think of the last survey you filled out; did you enjoy it? Sure, it was easy to digest and it’s the kind that you can take over and over again.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? I’ve fed bread, but to fish in the sea; not ducks or geese since idk if we have either here other than in zoos. In our trip to Mactan in 2010, I remember how we were allowed to pay a certain small amount to get bread from the resort and proceed to feed the fish swimming around in the beach.

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a 1-2 year old? Yeah, I definitely feel that way sometimes.

What set the tone for your mood today? Eh, I wouldn’t say I had an overall mood today, honestly. It was a normal day at work, maybe a little more uneventful than other days; and I was on top of my tasks so there wasn’t anything to dread or worry about. I was just concentrated on getting the day over with and wasn’t strongly attached to any emotion.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else's day? I don’t think so.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? It happens sometimes.

The name of the last video game you played? Mario Kart 8 probably? It’s been a while but it’s all I play if I do play a video game, so it’s a safe guess.

The name of the last board game that you played? We whipped out my old box of Trivial Pursuit last November when we didn’t have electricity and internet because of the typhoon.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? I don’t remember the last time I talked to myself, but like two minutes ago I was starting to feel sad so I silently reminded myself to think of positive things.

How many times a day do you wash your face? At least once, in the morning before I start work. I’ve learned that cleaning myself up, even if it’s just splashing water on my face, super helps if I want to start working in a good mood.

Do you remember your D.A.R.E. officer's name? I didn’t have one of those, anddd I’m sure we didn’t have that program here.

Someone throws hot coffee on you; how do you react? It’s taken me a whole goddamn week to finish this survey, lels. Anywho... I think out of instinct I would scream out in extreme agony first? And I’d probably spend the first immediate seconds to try and process what just happened. I don’t know if I would fight back because I’m pretty sure the burns would be hurting too badly for me to focus on revenge.

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I attended one school from kindergarten to college, and I can’t imagine having attended anywhere else. I had one dream university and I ended up attending it.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? Yes, both. My parents lived in an apartment for a few months when I was a newborn. From ages 2-10 I lived in my childhood home, which is actually a duplex. The other house belongs to my grandpa’s late sister and her family.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Sure, but I care so little about my weight that they don’t really have an effect on me. The most common one I get is to “eat more.”

Where do you stand when it comes to sexual intercourse? Erm not really lmao. Just do it?? Idk. And just make sure consent is mutual and that you aren’t doing it out of pressure.

Name a show from the 90's that you miss? I guess ‘miss’ is the wrong word since I never watched it while it was ongoing, but I do love Friends. I’m excited to see what they have planned for the reunion episode.

Who provokes your sarcastic side the most? Bad co-workers, but luckily I haven’t had to pull that side of me in a while.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? Never.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or "different" people? Being a kid, I probably did but never thought anything of it during those times. My mom certainly would’ve whooped my ass if I tried to comment anything mean or be a smartass.

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? The one thing that would piss my mom off are my vape pens. I still have Gab-related stuff in my room that I’m too lazy to throw out, but I doubt I will get into trouble from those anymore because there has been no relationship to speak of in the last four months.

Do weather patterns sometimes have an effect on your health? Not on my health, but on my mood.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t, so idk what this would feel like.

When was the last time someone disapproved of something you were doing? Not entirely sure; this hasn’t happened in a while. Admittedly, as a people pleaser, I thrive on doing what people would want me to do lol.

How good are you at getting along with other people? On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 9? I’m super nice to everyone and in the end it only really boils down to whether I have chemistry with them or not. If I fail to feel comfortable around someone I’m more likely to stay formal, but I do try to be lively and crack jokes with everyone as much as I can.

Do you consider yourself to be approachable? I want to be and I always try to come off as such, but my resting bitchface hurts that chance sometimes haha.

Do you know anyone that's a little emotionally unstable? Uhm, no one comes to mind.

Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Yes.

Has anyone ever suggested that you might need "help"? I don’t recall being told this by anyone before. But with the way I broadcast my anxiety and sadness from time to time, I’m sure people have thought of it.

Do you take offense to things easily? Yeah you can say that. I’ve always been more sensitive than most.

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? As with any pick-up line, I inwardly roll my eyes and move on.

Do you like to give people a taste of their own medicine? It’s such a waste of time and energy for the most part, so no. But if I feel petty, I have no problem doing it.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? It was...fine. Nothing to write home about. It was unlimited Korean barbecue and they actually had a system in place where they gave us a link to some internal website they kept, and we could simply order from there to minimize contact with the servers. I will say that I never got the kimchi jjigae I had ordered, but it was fine because I was full by then lmao.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? No. I mean, I guess I’m reminded of my loneliness when I see couples in public, but I don’t get jealous or angry. I just shake it off and try to focus on myself.

Describe a thought that is sticking with you today? That I can���t wait for Friday.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? I’ve been thinking more of my anxieties than certain people, tbh.

In a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? Air conditioning. Though sometimes it’s nice to have the windows down, especially when I’m driving within my village or up a mountain.

When was the last time you did anything to your playlist? I made an angst-themed playlist over the weekend.

Is there a new song or band you've discovered? Massive Attack. Hayley Williams did a super great cover of their song Teardrop, so I checked out the original version which I also ended up enjoying. Olivia Rodrigo too, who I found out is part Filipino yay!

Which teacher gives you the most homework? My Journalism Ethics professor will probably rank the highest on this list.

What type of personality do you find most annoying? Idk, condescending ones maybe? There are a million kinds of personalities lol, but yeah I hate those who make you feel dumb, and feel good about doing so.

How did you hear about Bzoink? If my memory serves me correctly, my 10 year old self just wanted empty about me surveys to answer. Bzoink was always one of the first websites to come out if I searched for surveys on Google.

How long did it take you to sign up for an account - if you have one? I don’t think I ever made an account on there since I was too shy to share my answers.

Are you punctual? Yes, very.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? No.

Have you ever seen yourself on camera? Like if I’ve seen photos of myself??? I would be very surprised if anyone can say they haven’t.

Do you give any consideration to what's said in your horoscope? No.

When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? This has never happened before, thankfully.

[popculture-etc]

Kenny Rogers, Adam Schlesinger,...coping with 2020

Worst year ever although there were some good.

It’s too early yet for me to do a quick look back on what 2020 is like here as we’re only going to be in the first of December tomorrow (it’s Nov 30 here) but I just have to as two losses this year broke me. Kind of, well, especially the second one.

You see, before East Asian pop, Jpop and Kpop, Western pop culture was my thing. It still is and this pandemic has made me go back to that recently starting with...the Beach Boys (their westcoast sound caught me, hook, line, and sinker and I wasn’t very fond of the Beatles to begin with...to be completely honest) I’m currently chillin’ to right now, as I write this post. I’m really weak to the westcoast sound. Beach sound/s in general, rather. I’m a big fan of the beach where nature goes, for one. Since some time, a few years ago, deep chill and tropical house music has been my go-to when I want to chill or calm myself down after an outburst of sorts and I put them on when I just feel meh, especially on Fridays. When I dream of being by the sea, the beach or in some island on my own. I live in a country with a lot of beaches and the Visayas here is basically island region Philippines, lol. Like most people, I listen to music according to mood just like the way I dress according to mood. And...it’s no wonder, really that I’m so into the Beach Boys now. RIP the Beatles. My dad played some songs of theirs on the guitar or so but the hold they have on me waned later on and I just think now how overrated they were back then. They did have good songs but when talking of good music, as in really good that it retains the same sound style or so, it’s the Beach Boys for me. Brian Wilson is the man despite his issues and personal struggles.

Anyway, we’re going quickly off tangent. I’ll save the Beach Boys fangirling for another day. lol.

I grew up with western pop culture rife all around me thanks to my American, cowboy country and folk music listening dad, my Carpenters-loving mom and then, college-aged aunts who’d made me see the Titanic film more than my fingers could count---the third is clearly an exaggeration but well...some of it is true and they were why I got into American films like Pretty Woman (we have this in good ol’ VHS in our family home, my grandparents’ in Jasaan), Mannequin, Ghost etc. in the late 80s, coming into the early 90s. So, tired of all the kdrama and uninteresting kvariety shows on tvn and the rebranded local channel, Kapamilya (long story for what we formerly know as ABS-CBN, the nation’s a mess right now and our gov’t’s just...ick!), I’d retreated to my cave and got into old tv shows I’d watched as a kid instead like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed and it’s been, well, moving on from there. I’m checking out Twin Peaks later. I’ve been watching old Hollywood films too. Some revisits on this include: Casablanca, Gone With The Wind, and especially A Streetcar Named Desire will always and forever be my favorite. Very young and cute and good looking Marlon Brando, ugh. I have some others in the stash which include Bonnie and Clyde I’ll be getting into much, much later, maybe over the weekends and holidays. In sum, I have a long history with western pop culture, especially America’s, more than I have with Japan’s and South Korea’s. The latter being very, very recent so it doesn’t really compare as much.

Let’s get right down to it...

So 2020 had us lose Kenny Rogers to natural causes on March 20 in a hospice and after, Adam Schlesinger to COVID 19 complications on April 1. I know the latter as the songwriter of The Wonders’ That Thing You Do from the film sharing the same song title. I know Kenny Rogers well because my dad listens to him over and over in the car. In pretty much the same way, I know the words to Islands in the Stream by heart and I accept and revere it as one of the best, if not THE BEST country-pop duet songs of all time between Kenny and Dolly Parton...as far as country and pop music in the US of A’re concerned, of course. Miley and Shawn Mendez’s cover of it I’d seen recently was alright but nothing still beats the OG one, as always. With music, it’s just, really always the case.

Kenny departing from us March this year was alright. He was well cared for in a hospice and at the right age too, to leave us and this mess of a world behind for the afterlife. Sounds grim but not really. Heh. He died of natural causes so we know he was at peace and accepted then that his time has come. Fans and long-time listeners of his should also be at peace with this knowledge. I don’t consider myself a fan but since he’s been around so much because my dad plays his songs in the car often, I’m the same. I’ve accepted his passing away early this year. He’s lived his life well and given us good music to listen to should we like to remember him and his works and celebrate his life and legacy doing so.

Schlesinger’s case was way worse because, well, COVID 19. And it’s well...I guess we all saw it coming, me included, that I’d just learned, watching the one of many national English news on ANC that ‘pandemic’ is the word of the year according to Merriam-Webster. Timely, huh? Yep. Predictable, really. Sarcasm noted here.

So if someone ever asks what 2020 was about, we only have to say that according to Merriam-Webster, it’s the global (COVID 19) pandemic. Short, not-so-sweet, succinct, and grim. Yep.

This one, Schlesinger’s case, is something I still find difficult to accept. He was only 52 years old! He was at the prime of his life and had some projects still he was working on at the time of his passing so WHY?! I suppose that’s all of us who followed him and his extensive work on tv, film, the stage and his own band, Fountains of Wayne when we heard news he’s passed away due to COVID 19 complications. It’s definitely me now though I learned of it late. Heh.

To cope with the sadness of losing Schlesinger, gone too soon at 52 years old and with an impressive Hollywood tv, stage, film resume to his name since and his own band’s, Fountains of Wayne (FoW) really good discography, by the way, I’ve been listening to FoW’s Welcome Interstate Managers---all of the contents of said album/record---and That Thing You Do’s OST with the Beach Boys’ Sounds of Summer Best of in between. My favorite song on Welcome Interstate Managers is the sarcastic take on real life as an everyday worker in sales, Bright Future in Sales. As much as I like chill sounds where music goes, I like me some music with lyrics jolting us back to grim reality in much the same way I like films (indies, mostly, or lesser known short and full-length ones) that tackle social issues not frequently discussed in public or so but we are aware are there, still plaguing much of today’s society. I live for cynical, satirical, ironic, and even hyperbolic stuff about real life actually. It may be why I’m so entrenched and attached to the era where we all hated ourselves---the 90s. Although one would say much of that sentiment or feeling did carry itself to the 2000s, though. I don’t know about you, but until now, I still hate or have heavy dislike for myself and everything else around me, especially our gov’t or current admin here in the Philippines, and people in general so I don’t think it ever really goes away. And going off tangent again for the nth time today.

Anyway, my 1996 was That Thing You Do on HBO in our household...on and off along with other 90s films like The Craft, Clueless, Jawbreakers (I think this still plays in Cinemax from time to time) so of course losing Schlesinger also was...rather, is hard. He’s done so much and he was supposed to be working on more and he’s left such a deep mark here for us, avid fans of American pop culture...I suppose, even the casual ones. Aside from his That Thing You Do, I’d also seen Josie and the Pussycats at some point. I don’t remember when, where...though I did watch some episodes of the cartoon on Cartoon Network (CN) so of course, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the film of it as well. He worked on a track or some tracks there, too. 

2020 sucks. COVID 19 sucks. This global pandemic sucks. But at least there’re films, tv shows, music, stage musical plays turned movies (Jonathan Larson’s Tick, Tick...Boom! is coming to us soon with Andrew Garfield in the lead---I’m wary of Garfield being a forgettable actor since The Amazing Spider Man because Dane Dehaan was what made that for me, to be quite honest so I’m not so sure of him being Jon here and as a self-respecting Larson fan since Rent, I’d rather they casted Neil Patrick Harris/NPH since he was in the London stage for this way back anyway...) to keep us entertained and fine until then. What would it take for ‘rona, and I’m not talking about the American Corona beer here that’s really popular in the west coast, to go away? I, like the rest of you in self isolation or quarantine, tend to think so but I don’t think we’ll have any answer to that until the vaccines are well underway by spring next year. Or at least, that’s what health authorities and scientists tell us anyway. I get reminded of it often in the news and I only tune in to that once in a while now because even that, following that daily, breaks my mental faculties down due to stress and pressure and all and I can’t have that when I still have so much, at the back of my mind, to do.

But anyway, time to conclude this one with one of my favorite The Wonders songs, All My Only Dreams just to end on a good note, better than the last paragraph’s ending at least and to remember Schlesinger as well that we’d lost this year along with plenty others we’d met in passing who’ve also left this world especially due to COVID 19 complications. I know we know a lot of those. For me, it’s a distant relative or family member I’d known since young but don’t have particular fluffy bunny feelings for because of some things that happened between the guy and me growing up in the NCR/Caloocan City to be exact. There’s also my good friend and former co-worker’s only remaining parent, her dad and a few more, I’m sure. So I hope 2021 would be better but I doubt it...very much. It’s still looking pretty dim, grim and bleak from here, where I’m currently standing in 2020.

Before we really end though, COVID 19 is definitely not a hoax. It hasn’t been since the first cases started in Wuhan, China. It’s just, only been getting worse and still continue to claim lives and spread to more people even those at home. So as someone who comes from a household of mostly medical workers or health care workers here, we should really be very careful about and around it. Let’s take the necessary health protocols seriously like wearing a mask out and maybe the face shield too and always keeping the sanitizers, alcohols in our bags among others---hygiene and sanitation, disinfection. It may come off really anal of me and I am not anal (I don’t like people with Type A personalities in the first place, lol...I’m just a very cautious Virgo, really, and a Type X---mix of Type C and D personalities) but seriously, SERIOUSLY, I can’t stress this enough, COVID 19, the virus SARS-COV2, that causes it is real. Very real and once it’s in your system, it can go the fatal, deadly way or just the mild and you’ll recover later anyway way. It’s not picking which people should die next and which should not, really. It’s really just there making a mess of things that are already messy since the beginning. My point being, it’s just better if we don’t spread it or are careful enough not to contract it with following health protocols set by health experts, scientists to help us get by this...pandemic. 

Well here’s to 2020 being over soon and 2021 creeping in on us soon enough. 

P.S.

Billie Armstrong of Greenday upped a cover of That Thing You Do as a tribute to Adam and the youtube live of the Wonders coming together again to pay tribute to and celebrate Adam’s life may still be up on the ‘tube. I have yet to see the latter but enjoyed the former. They are just so...sweet and precious. Ugh. Adam Schlesinger, gone too soon indeed. :(

PPS

Another songwriter/contributor in the TTYD OST passed away last year, too. Rick Elias. Cause of death is brain cancer. I had a friend from college, young and so full of life and dreams, who passed away due to the same thing so I’m kind of aware how this goes. Ugh. Cancer sucks. All of these are just so...sad. Depressing, actually.

[nicnacsnonsense]

A few days ago @whiteleyfoster did some lovely The Birdcage AU art and @poetic----nonsense decided we needed a full AU figured out, so they tagged me. Because I am now the person who figures out fusion AUs., Which honestly, that’s fantastic; I love it. Unfortunately I hadn’t seen The Birdcage before, but it’s available to watch on Prime, so I just took care of that. The bad news is I didn’t actually like the movie all that much. The good news is my problem was in the execution rather than the premise, so I do think there’s a good Good Omens AU to be had with two adjustments. One, lean into the wacky hijinks more -- this is definitely a wacky hijinks comedy kind of plot, but the tone of the movie was oddly serious a lot of the time. And two, I want to really feel the love between all the members of our little queer family. The movie tells us they’re a happy and healthy family, but what I was seeing was a lot of Val being mean to his parents, a lot of Armand being mean to and dismissive of Albert and a lot of Albert being overly dramatic and sensitive to everything.

Moving on to our characters. In Whiteley’s drawing they had Aziraphale as Albert and Crowley as Armand, which I get that, but I want to switch it. Aziraphale as the small business owner cismale who is obviously gay (I didn’t get any obviously gay vibes from Armand, but the movie told us a couple of times he was giving them off, so *shrugs*). Meanwhile Crowley is amab and typically presents male day-to-day, but also presents female at time and is slightly ambiguous in terms of gender. I also feel Crowley’s dramatic bitch energy is a better match for Albert’s than Aziraphale’s is. 

For Val and Barbara, Whiteley suggested Adam and Warlock respectively, and while I like each of those choices a lot individually, it doesn’t work for me once you put them together. Partially that’s a personal thing -- I know Adam/Warlock is somewhat popular but it squicks me out -- but also unless you want to genderbend one of them female, you have a gay relationship which kind of undermines the whole “gay couple has to pretend to be hetero to fool the super conservative in-laws.” I still think there’s a way you could do it, but it would take a lot of work. So instead I propose Newt as Val and Anathema as Barbara. (which weirdly makes the second time I’ve had Aziraphale as Newt’s dad. I swear I’m not trying to make it a thing).

I realize the immediate impulse there is if you’re going to use those two you should flip them: Newt as Barbara and Anathema as Val. But first of all I think if Anathema was Val she wouldn’t stand for lying about who her parents are; sucks for you Newt, but you’re just going to have to come clean. And if you put aside political views, these are actually really good matches for each of their families in canon. Anathema was a “professional descendant,” her entire life was mapped out for her by her many times great-grandmother, which is something of the ultimate extreme Barbara’s controlling family. Meanwhile’s Newt’s mother seemed very loving and she supported and encouraged his enthusiasm for computers no matter how many power outages he caused. Plus I do think there’s a great parallel in Crowley and Aziraphale having to hide their homosexuality from Anathema’s parents and the idea of Anathema being a liberal, occultist, environmentalist, feminist, general social activist, probably met Newt at an LGBT+ support rally, who goes home to her family and has to hide all of that and pretend to be a good little conservative Christian girl.

For the other major characters Anathema’s parents would be Anathema’s mom (obviously) and Gabriel I think. The idea of him as Anathema’s dad is a little weird, but you can’t deny Gabriel fits the super conservative senator mold really well. You could also use the Dowlings instead if you wanted, but c’mon, Gabriel fawning over femme!Crowley? That’s too funny, guys. For Newt’s biological mother I think Michael. She could definitely pull off high-powered exec who isn’t the least bit maternal, but is willing to show up for her son in this because of a sense of duty. In this version Aziraphale and Michael would have actually been dating because Aziraphale was still in the closet and in deep denial at that point, but they broke up when she got pregnant and Aziraphale wanted to keep the baby and Michael wanted to put it up for adoption the instant that baby slid out of her. (I also totally picture that after they agreed to break up Michael said it was probably for the best, seeing as Aziraphale was just super gay.) And finally for Agador I think Madame Tracy. Admittedly as a character she’s not much like him, but looking at it in terms of the function of the character as a comic relief zany housekeeper type, I think she could do a really good job as her own version of that.

A few other changes. The whole argument about “who’s the white whine for?” still happens, but it’s playful banter, rather than any sort of serious accusation of cheating. Then after the show Crowley and Aziraphale go upstairs together and surprise! Newt’s here for a visit. He tells both of his parents about his engagement at the same time. Then again when the issue of Anathema lying to her parents comes up, Newt approaches both Crowley and Aziraphale together and presents it not as something he’s demanding they do for him, but a problem to be solved together. Then Crowley and Aziraphale are totally extra enough to be like, zany hijinks, we’ll just fake like we’re the very straight cultural attache to Greece and his woman female wife. 

Except after a bit of prep work Crowley suddenly backs out as the wife, claiming he can pull of woman sure, but he can’t pull off housewife. That’s where Michael comes in. Crowley is the one who chooses not to go into her office -- he resents her for what he considers to be her abandonment of Newt -- but when he gets impatient waiting he coincidentally barges in at just the wrong moment to what looks like flirting/cheating (but we the audience know was actually something completely innocent) and storms off. 

Aziraphale goes to talk to Crowley once they both get home and his shocked and even a little hurt that Crowley would ever think Aziraphale would cheat on him. Crowley says, no he knows that’s not what was going on and he knows Aziraphale wouldn’t, especially not with a woman. So Aziraphale is like what’s up then, you’ve been acting weird ever since Newt got home. And Crowley admits that he is jealous, but not over any sort of fictitious other lover, but of Newt. Because Newt is getting married and Crowley and Aziraphale can’t (cause 90′s). And that’s why Crowley backed out of the wife role, because tt was too close to what he wants and can’t have. The two of them have a heart-to-heart about how much they love each other and how committed they are. This also means when Crowley does show up to the dinner dressed up as Newt’s mom, it’s a heart-warming moment where Crowley is silently communicating that Aziraphale is right, that it’s real in their hearts, and that’s what matters. 

[serenityinself]

How do you know Jules?? 🧐

Trigger Warning: Abuse

Oh god, I like gotta do a check-in with my therapist just from hearing that name. Y’all know me, I’m not in the business of bashing people I have dated, but this needs to be put out there.

We loosely dated for like 4-5 months, years ago. Like 2.5 years ago? They like manipulated me into a relationship that I wasn’t really given a choice of being in, in the beginning, which I didn’t realize until after. Like they straight up didn’t communicate, and then they were just like well I’m ready to date you so lets go, and my broken ass was like okaaay? Gut feelings are so important and I didn’t listen to mine.

They then proceeded to be one of most manipulative and toxic people I’ve ever met. I should’ve understood from the red flags of them constantly bashing EVERY single one of their exes and calling them all abusive. Also from them talking extremely badly about every single one of their friends, and then calling me controlling and telling their friends that I wouldn’t let them hang out with them, because I was like hey if they’re making you feel like shit, maybe don’t spend so much time with them? And then she would purposely ignore them because they were “being toxic” or getting on her nerves, meanwhile telling them it’s cause of me? She basically played everyone.

I would literally have her yelling and cursing at me while I was asking her to please stop, AND she would simultaneously text her friends and be like “Nas is being aggressive,” to create a false narrative. I also should’ve seen the other red flags when she would straight up like call her Mom and Sister the most vilest things... Furthermore she put up this front of being super liberal, but like she definitely made a lot of racist/xenophobic remarks, refused to acknowledge her privilege, did sooo many microaggressions. She refused to believe sexual assault/rape victims that didn’t share their stories and would dismiss instances she didn’t believe. She constantly would lash out at me because her life was stressful due to her inability to manage the stressors in them, and then would expect me to piece everything together for her, and then would then be pissed off whenever I couldn’t fix a situation for her. Like she decided to take in a cat from her friend and then didn’t coordinate how to transport them and then didn’t coordinate a living situation so their Mom had to take the cat in, but guess who paid to transport them AND still got yelled at. God, it was so bad. That “relationship” was the literally the last straw of me ever allowing someone to treat me like that.

Dude, I can go on for days. I was really heartbroken from my previous relationship, which she knew and she used to manipulate and gaslight me. She knew my Dad recently passed, that I was going through a lot, that I was an Empath and someone who would do anything for those in my life and she took advantage of all of it. She also knows that because she comes from a wealthy, WHITE family and has friends who she knows how to perfectly manipulate and that refuse to check her, that her small circle of people would never think twice but to believe whatever she says. We literally broke up because I had enough and I was “hey you’re a terrible person,” and somehow even that turned into me being the bad person. Prior to that I had sooo many talks with her about not yelling at me, cursing at me, her codependency, unhealthy attachment and toxicity issues. I suggested multiple times that we weren’t healthy for one another and that our relationship wasn’t working, but she kept pushing for us to be together. I think when I finally had the guts to call her out on not being a good person, it clicked that she couldn’t manipulate me anymore. My thoughts are she wanted to create the narrative of me being that bad guy because I was the only person willing to call her on her crap.

For the longest time, I thought staying more quiet about the situation was the right path, like I have talked about it to my therapist, friends, etc and I have somewhat posted about it on here, and I just don’t like the idea of bashing someone, but I’m done with that. I know if you’re asking this, they’re probably still partaking in defamation and libel because that’s what manipulators do. They can’t control you, so they try to control the narrative.

I literally took a Domestic Violence course after that situation because she was so damn emotionally/mentally abusive. And at first I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but given the random Anons I get, I know she’s cognizant of what she’s doing. I know she’s still pushing a narrative and I’m so over it. To the point where I’m ready to take legal action because what they’ve done is so messed up. The fact that she thinks she can just try to create a false narrative about me because she’s a white woman from a wealthy family, and I’m a person of color who comes from a working class background and doesn’t have money like that is sooo beyond f*cked up. The fact that she knows I’m from what is considered a more “rough” area, I’m Muslim, and Middle Eastern and that she can easily paint a shitty image of me is so freaking disgusting.

That being said, if you follow me, and you follow lovetrickeryandirony, please do not talk to me about them, and please consider not interacting with them. I have had them blocked for 2.5 years, but apparently they still feel the need to be be toxic. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m very reserved and I don’t like to put these parts of my life out there, I prefer to proces them privately, but I just can’t with this one anymore. It took a whole lot of courage to answer this, and speak on this, but it’s important for me to say what happened, because these aren’t the kind of situations where “being the bigger person” applies. I’m sorry if you still want to follow them, please just do me the favor of unfollowing me.

[gatheringroses]

I highly doubt that anyone that sees this post will even know what the hell is going on with my life, or care, but I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m writing it for my sanity. Long ago ( or maybe not so depending on how one looks at it ) I wrote for pleasure, I write to process things, it was my therapy if you will. If you’d like to skip over this, I won’t hold it against you.

I, am many things.  Daughter, care giver, friend, aunt, godmother. You know all of those hokey cliches that we attach to women that have fallen into the care giver role. Lost both of my parents at the start of 2020, being thrown for a loop and trying to process it. I ended up selling what little I owned and am still trying to sell off the property to the place I called home . Ended up setting up house with a cousin who, as some may know, has been...interesting to say the least. At first I thought she was just overly sensitive to the world and it’s workings. I’ve learned now that she’s a leech and passive aggressively manipulative. She’s blown through various family members and has no idea how to stand on her own two feet. She expects others to just simply take care of her while she floats through the world because she’s “too sick to do anything.” I’ve tried being understanding. I’ve tried just about damn near everything short of packing my shit and leaving her to rot  ( believe me there are days when just running from her and her ever changing mood fluctuations sounds like heaven. ) The 911 calls, the special diets, doctor’s appointments, midnight car rides with the hammer down to get to her because she’s two hours away at a friend’s house and all but projectile vomiting because she ‘ate something that didn’t agree with her.’ even more doctor’s appoints and vouching for her that she’s ill. I think that’s the sticking point. She made me a pawn in her game to get exactly what she wanted. She doesn’t give two shits that I care. That I lose sleep routinely getting up and checking to see if she’s still breathing. That I work myself into knots doing jobs that cause my hands to chap, my back to ache or for me to come home with a ringing in my ears and clothes that smell like booze. She doesn’t know how hard to a God, that I sincerely think has forgotten that I exist or has simply turned his back to me, that she’d pull through this last time she had a seizure before my very eyes again. I’m strictly a shower person now. I can’t take the sound of sloshing water or the scent of overly scented bubble bath. 

I grew up in a household where Mom didn’t have a maternal bone in her body and Dad was too afraid of not seeing me again to *do* something, like, oh I dunno divorce her. But I digress, perhaps I put too much emphasis on family as I did not have the traditional home life one would expect. Knock down drag out fights where you see your mother chuck an enamel roasting pan on Thanksgiving at your father’s head because he said the meal was ‘good’ instead of excellent kind of colors your world in the wrong way. So does hearing your mother constantly bad mouth not only you but your father isn’t great either. Being belittled in front of friends was a regular occurrence until I stopped having people over.  I was brought up in a household where I was wanted by only one parent and virtually hated for being alive by the other. “I don’t want to even look at you.’ and ‘Hey, stupid what’re you flinching for?’ were favorite sayings.  So, yeah, that childhood partnered with very firm handling in the physical punishment department I learned to make myself useful, because ‘if you’re useful they can’t get mad at you.’  Partner all of that with the shock of losing both parents in one fell swoop ( a total of 56 days. )  grief came at me harder than I’d ever expected it to. ( I don’t care what anyone says, you can still grieve a parent even if you hated them or they hated you. You mourn what you could have had not the what was. )has created a sort of a hellish mix of fuck knows what in me.  My once type A personality and fear of the unknown has been flipped. I’m very very slowly rebuilding myself one brick at a time. 

  I mean I’ve always thought I never quite belonged anywhere, maybe it’s just my personality or the fact that home was fucked up, I don’t know. I’m currently working two jobs and have a third for seasonal work lined up. I put my entire life on hold to care for my parents, did I have to? No. I had a strong sense of duty to do it. Why? Not one damn clue. Maybe I thought if I showed my mother just how devoted I was to her she’d somehow finally love me. It didn’t happen. Pretty damn sad isn’t it?   I essentially painted myself into a corner the first time I’m going to be damned if it’s going to happen a second. I deserve to go out and live. I deserve to experience what this world has to offer, fall in love again, live a life with no regrets. I’m not doing that stagnating here caring for someone who, quite frankly has used me right out of the gate. Pretty words and compliments drip from a liar’s tongue like honey from a hive. I’ve come to hate the taste of honey these days. I deserve to be high on life and drunk on the strange brew of new experiences. I would give everything I’ve got ( at this point it isn’t much but it’s all I’ve got ) to set up a more stable base for myself and not have to worry about coming home from work and finding my cousin dead. Her sisters have made their peace with it, I, for some ungodly reason haven’t. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to not have anyone give a damn about you when you’re down? Maybe I’m just a soft touch. But that softness is hardening. A bitterness is sinking into me. Girl has a pain pill problem along with a slew of mental issues on top of an eating disorder. I’ve taken to locking up my medical marijuana and Xanax just in case.  I’ve also taken to busying myself with anything so I don’t have to talk to her. If I do I’m going to blow up and there won’t be anything left of her. I don’t want to be an angry person or a bitter one or worse yet a hellish mixture of both. How can I love someone and hate them all at the same time? Am I remembering the ‘hate the sin but love the sinner?’ mindset from when I attended church? Or am I just slowly becoming numb? I truly know what it’s like to be hated and I wouldn’t wish that on a single soul.  

Are you at the point where you’re scratching your head and  going ‘why the hell am I reading this crazy bitch’s blog?’ or ‘why am I reading this?’ or ‘Please tell me she’s in therapy.’  I’d like to say. I’ve no idea, you were bored? I haven’t got a clue, why am I writing it? Yes, yes I am in therapy. It’s helping but I’ve got a few decades of damage to try and undo.  I do, however have a wonderful support system a few assorted family members, old friends and some new ( you know who you are. If you’ve read this mention roses the next time we have a chat. ;) ) that have been more than kind and generous with their time and advice. I do realize my life has hit a low point. But it can’t always rain. My faith is unwavering and my well of hope is endless. I’ve got to keep going and moving forward without regret. 

[noccalula-writes]

What are your favorite games and franchises? Top 5?

OH BOY have I got feelings on this subject. 

Please keep in mind - I’m a storyteller and a writer. I fucking /love/ a good story. I DM a DnD game and my biggest weakness is that I don’t often include enough combat because I am so much more interested in telling a story. So for me, there’s got to be an emotional investment for a game to really land. I also hyperfixate like a motherfucker so I often refuse to pick up new things purely because there’s not enough space in my head for them at the time, so I’m slow getting to things as they come out. 

So, I’m first and foremost a survival horror bitch. I cut my teeth on Parasite Eve before I played any others - my mother scrimped and saved and fought her way through Wal-mart back in like 1998 to get me the original Playstation gaming console and Tekken 2 (which was my first PS game, I played it in an arcade near her barber shop as a child - Tomb Raider 2 was my second). The old Playstation discs at that time came with demos for different games, including Metal Gear Solid, which I replayed until I could have done it in my sleep because poverty meant I wasn’t likely to get another game anytime soon. I mention this because the Parasite Eve trailer used to give me nightmares but I was super, super hooked. 

I am a huge Silent Hill fan. Huge. That is a tragedy I could write a whole ‘nother post about, because as excited as I am to finally get my hands on Death Stranding (again, poverty, so it’ll be another minute before we can get a PS4), we’ll never get another SH game again unless some major reconciliation happens with Kojima and Konami, which is unlikely (and also hard to hope for - I’m happy Kojima now has the creative freedom to go as balls to the wall as he wants). 

I am an equally huge Resident Evil fan. I’ve always maintained that my first fandom was The X Files, but my wife pointed out a few nights ago that my RE love started around the same time in the late 90′s, so now it’s a chicken and egg kind of thing. Point being, it’s either The or One Of my longest lasting fandoms/interests. RE and Silent Hill get compared to one another a lot - RE7 did nothing to help that - but they really are apples and oranges to me. Fruit, sure, but two totally different tones and experiences. 

I’ve been a huge Tomb Raider fan for forever - my first high school boyfriend was loaded and bought me Angel of Darkness to come play at his house and while it was def critically panned, I do recall enjoying it - so that’s been fun to get those games remade with updated graphics. I’ve only played the one but the others are def on The List. 

So now that I’ve talked for an hour, my Top 5 fave games ever - 

#1 - Resident Evil 3 I am beyond jazzed for this remake, and a lot of people in the 90′s complained about RE3′s lack of clear cut boss battles, but I don’t know what they’re talking about. The entire fucking game is a boss battle - Jill vs. Raccoon City, and of course, Nemesis, who used to give my mother nightmares and caused me to sleep with a leaf-stabber by my bed for years. Jill is far and away my favorite protagonist in RE; she’s got a resilience of the spirit that somehow isn’t conflated with naivety, which is uncommon in ‘nice’ female protags. She’s savvy but she’s still kind, and she’s committed as fuck to survival - not to mention, as zealotous a Chris and Jill shipper as I am, she and Carlos had hella chemistry and I’m excited to see where that goes (JD Pardo would have made a fuck of a Carlos Oliviera, btw). It was An Experience and it’s forever at my #1. 

#2 - The Last of Us 

There is no comparison for emotional weight in video games, as far as I’m concerned. SPOILERS if you don’t already know the ending (this game came out in what, 2014?) but to me one of the biggest thing in the game’s favor is that the protagonist made the wrong choice. He had an option to potentially eradicate the cordyceps fungus and maybe save the world, turn the tides back for humanity, and with the weight of the world in the balance, he chose to save Ellie instead. It was, on a global scale, the wrong choice - but it was the human choice. It was the thing that a dad who never properly grieved his dead daughter would do for the surrogate daughter he inherited by accident. As for Ellie, there is no other character quite like her in games, and she’s fucking quality LGBT representation, especially considering how little we see queer children in media. I still cry every time, we play this game twice a year like clockwork and every single time, I still cry. 

#3 - Silent Hill 3 

All of SH’s games will have a special place in my heart - and if you wanna talk shit about Downpour, I’ll meet you in the Denny’s parking lot at 11, you better square the fuck up because I will defend Murphy with fists - but 3 is the best, hands down. I felt like it did the best job of streamlining the series’ ... uhm... somewhat complicated lore into something more understandable. SPOILERS: The villains are horrific - the Missionaries strike fear into my heart every time I play, and Claudia eating a miscarried god fetus to become god herself? Fucked up on a level you rarely see. I suppose if you didn’t catch it in the last sentence - your protag Heather vomits up a fetal god late in the game. Yes, you read that right. The best thing about this game though? Heather. I could climb up my feminist soapbox and talk about Heather as a subversion to video game tropes all fucking day - she’s a nonsexualized teenage girl whose father is killed for her character development. She’s self-sufficient, tough but still vulnerable, and hard as nails in a fight. As I might have mentioned a time or six, she also voluntarily aborts a god because Fuck Your Plans, She’s Got Her Own. 

#4 - Final Fantasy X 

Listen. I don’t know how much of this is because of actually enjoying playing the game and how much of it is emotional attachment. As most of you who follow me know, my mother died when I was sixteen. When I was about fourteen, I dated a rich kid who used to bring his PS2 to our very not-rich house and play games for us to watch - the sort of neophyte version of Watching Guys Play Videogames, if you will, which is another rant for another time. He got a Gamecube specifically so I could play RE Zero and Hunter The Reckoning. He was a neckbeard but he was also desperate to keep me from ditching so he did the smart thing and plied my very poor ass with money and food. The #1 game in the watching roster, though, was FFX - and if you know anything about the game, you know how heavily spirituality features into the story. My mother, very caught up in a very Eastern Philosphy Meets Quantum Physics internal seeking about the nature of things, was hooked from the word Go. She used to sit and watch Trey play for hours - we all did, but having her join us and love it that much? Wonderful. Half my memories of this game are both of us crying - crying when Yuna dances to send the souls, crying when Yuna reveals she’s on a suicide mission, crying when she and Tidus fall in love anyway, crying when she sends her Aeons to die in the final fight, crying over ‘the fayts are waking up’, crying when the big reveal about Auron comes up, crying crying crying. My wife bought it in 2011 and I watched her play through it again and while it suffers from the same issue as all FF games - too much filler and weird battle scenarios - it was cathartic. I miss my mom. 

#5 - Resident Evil 6 

Eat my entire ass. You already knew this was coming. I will defend this game to my grave for the fact that we have complex, interesting narratives surrounding female characters who have actual personalities. Was it perfect? No. Did it take RE out of horror territory and move it more into action? Woefully, yes. Is this series deeply problematic for where it chooses to set down your mostly-white protags and have them kill their way through? Big time. Don’t gloss those facts. But it’s got emotional punch in spades and a few weird character breaks that ended up being kind of brilliant - Chris has been so resiliently relentless in his fight against bioterrorism that a major PTSD break was inevitable. Leon would of course risk life and limb to help Helena, even though she implicated herself in something terrible. The icing on the cake to me was a grown up Sherry Birkin, wide eyed and believing like hell in the fight she thought she was on the right side of and getting knocked down only to get back up. Ada’s entire side campaign was brilliant. I hate some of the control choices they made in this game - the running from the Haos scenes near the end of Chris and Piers’ campaign makes me want to eat my own fist - but so it goes with most RE games (until RE4, moving your protag was like driving a tank). Jake and Sherry are My Unsinkable Ship. There are at least six scenes across this game that never get easier to watch - when the bomb hits the city and the cut scene of the mass infections begin, I still get sick to my stomach - and that, to me, is the mark that this game struck a hell of a chord in terms of storytelling. 

This was long. 

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

Coming Home, Part 1

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Full Chapter One

Summary: Eight years after the end of A New World, one of the leaders goes missing, which prompts all three communities to work together to locate them. When some of the other members of the search party don’t come back, it’s up to the women of Alexandria to take charge and do whatever is necessary to bring everyone home.

A/N: A long time ago I wrote two fics called The Bet & A New World. This new series is a continuation of TWD set in that world. There is major canon divergence since Glenn is still alive. This story uses a good number of characters and a mixture of show and comic book spoilers. Some good guys are bad guys, and vice versa. Anyway... this is the first time I’ve written TWD or Daryl in a while, so, yikes, just bear with me. 

Series Warnings: Slow Burn-Multi-Chapter Fic, Angst, Language, Violence, Canon Divergence, Character Death(s), Smut, 18+ Only NSFW

Words: 3.5K

Tags: @kazosa // @soythedemonqueen // @jodiereedus22 // @his-paradox // @rhyatt-deauxtreve // @zombeeemomeee // @tiquismiquis  // @sorenmarie87 // @redm81 // @reedusteinrambles //  @buckyscrystalqueen // @hyphymanatee // @rawr-bitchess // @kgbrenner // @fictionaldemon // @thewalkingbucky // @lefthologramdeer  // @spnhollis // @hanaissupergirl // @negans-wife  // @sourwolf-sterek32 // @alyisdead

It had been three days. Three days since the search party came back with the remnants of his clothes and gun; three days since Daryl took off in search of his best friend. Every moment you weren’t busy trying to keep the kids under control, you watched from the bedroom window and prayed to whoever was listening that he would come back in one piece… Both of them.

It was the morning of the fourth day. You’d already been up for hours, but Abe and Shelby had finally made their way to the kitchen. Both were quiet and withdrawn, neither saying much over their bowl of oatmeal. Silent looks from the corners of their eyes at each other spoke volumes about what they talked about when you were out of earshot, including the latest tragedy to have befallen Alexandria again.

“Mom?” Shelby asked without looking up from the uneaten breakfast, “will daddy be home soon?”

Abe glanced up at you, his blue eyes narrowing in just like Daryl’s did. Even though he was older now, he was still very quiet. Daryl was the only one who really was ever able to get him to speak, and with his absence, Abraham had been nearly silent.

“I don’t know, but I sure hope so?”

“And Uncle Rick?”

A piercing blow went through your heart. Overcoming that to answer was taking longer than you wanted, and before you could muster up a response, Abe handled it for you.

“No. Uncle Rick is dead, Shel. Dad’s out looking for him to put down,” he mumbled before shoveling oatmeal into his mouth.

“Abraham, you don’t know that,” you warned sternly as your fingers dug into the countertop so hard your knuckles went pale.

The chance that Rick was still alive was very slim despite his track record up to that point. Still, hope was a precious commodity in the new world, and you were desperate for your children to hold on to as much of it as they could.

Abraham snorted frustration through his nose, a mannerism clearly inherited from his father. His intense eyes blazed with anger at you as he let his spoon fall into the bowl with force.

“Then you’re an idiot,” he growled. He stood up quickly from his chair, causing it to nearly fall back as he stormed away from the table. Shelby caught it before it could and righted it back on all four feet.

“He’s just pissed daddy wouldn’t take him,” she said softly. “Don’t get mad at him.”

“I’m not mad, Shel. I’m worried. Worried about your dad and Uncle Rick, too. I know they think he’s gone, but I’ve seen a lot of bad situations since the world changed, and you want to know how many Rick has overcome? All of them. Just because they found his shirt and gun—”

“Jesus found his bloody shirt mom,” she corrected, wrinkling her nose as she pushed the bowl away from her.

“Still. I have to believe he’s alright.”

Shelby hesitantly slid off the stool, biting at her lip and folding her arms over her chest. “Do you think… do you think Dad will come home if he doesn’t find Uncle Rick? I mean… he can’t stay gone forever, can he?”

“No, of course not. Daddy will be home, soon. So, will Uncle Glenn. In fact, why don’t you and Abe go grab Hershel, and then go check in on Carl and Judith? See if there’s something you can do to help them around here. Better than just sitting around waiting.”

She shrugged and relented to your request, though you could tell there was a lot more she wanted to ask. Knowing it wasn’t the right time, she just turned and made her way up the stairs to go find Abraham and try to pull the boy out of his funk.

After clearing up their barely eaten breakfast, you went out onto the porch and tried to let go of the anxiety that was building. It was getting worse in the years since everything ended with Negan. The secret of what you and Rick did weighed on you, though you would never admit to the regret you felt around it. With each calm and quiet year that passed, you had hoped it would go away and finally be free. But it was always there; and when something bad did happen, somehow, you felt it was your fault. Coupled with that, was the looming feeling that something was on the horizon as another punishment for what you had done… not just to Negan, but Rosita, too.

Yet, year after year, the kids got older, you and Daryl continued teaching them how to live and survive, and the trio of communities kept growing. In fact, the only issue that had been pressing was Abraham’s desire to leave Alexandria to spend more time at the Kingdom in order to train with the archers there. The school was more extensive, and the rigorous exercise with the team of bowhunters was something he really wanted to start.

Daryl was all for it, but with Abe being only eleven, you felt as though he wasn’t ready to leave home… YOU weren’t ready for him to leave home. It was right after the latest heated discussion over that, that Jesus arrived with the news that Rick never made it to The Hilltop from the Kingdom, and in his search, he’d recovered the tattered shirt and gun.

Glenn and Daryl jumped into action immediately. You and Maggie watched in silent terror as they packed a week’s worth of rations and gear and ran out of the gates in search of Alexandria’s leader. Maggie considered running after them, but with the new baby attached to her hip, she thought it best to hang back.

“Maggie, I’ll watch him if you want to go. You know Hershel and the baby can stay here with me. Shelby can help me with the ‘lil potato here,” you said and tickled his chubby baby thigh, eliciting a giggle out of the almost one-year-old boy, “and you can go with the guys. Jesus has gathered other able-bodied people from Hilltop and Kingdom, I’m sure Ezekiel—”

“No,” she said simply, still staring off towards the gate. “Glenn and Daryl—Jesus and the others… they’ll find’im.” That was all she said before going back into her house and putting Sean back into his crib.

Now, four days later when you ventured out onto the porch, Maggie was waiting for you, along with Michonne and three packed bags on the stoop. Maggie’s gun was drawn as she checked it over it, determination set into her expression.

“We are going to get our husbands back,” Maggie said and holstered her gun. “You in?”

Her abruptness stunned you for a moment. “What? Why? Where?” All stumbled out in what felt like one long, incoherent word. Maggie and Michonne exchanged a knowing look and when they came to a silent agreement, Michonne was the one who answered.

“The kids… Judith, Hershel, Abraham, and Shelby… they were going to sneak out later. I overheard them talking yesterday. They were leaving tonight to try and find the guys.”

“They what?!” You felt like your knees were giving out and your stomach was revolting simultaneously. “When?”

Michonne shrugged. “I don’t know. I wasn’t even sure until I cornered and confronted Judith about it later. The girl tried to hold on, but she’s really a bad liar.”

You felt a rise of anger thinking about how stupid a choice they almost made by leaving. “I’m going to kill them,” you mumbled and looked to Maggie. “How are you so calm about this?

“I’m not. I’m pissed. Hershel knows better, especially after losing…” Maggie choked on the name ghosted on her lips. She composed herself and tried to continue without giving in to the emotion. “I’m gonna go find Glenn. I got a relay to The Kingdom and Carol said to bring all the kids to her. Hershel is packing now, got all the baby’s stuff loaded into the wagon. From there, we’ll backtrack Rick’s trail to The Hilltop. The guys were going from here to Hilltop first, so we’re hoping to cross paths with them in the middle.”

As Maggie laid out her plan, you half listened as you were more interested in how developed it was and how she was only now telling you about it all.

“So, just give me a minute to catch up, ok? Because not ten minutes ago I was cleaning up oatmeal and thinking how the tomato plants needed tending. You’ve had this in mind long enough to send word to the Kingdom, and hear back from Carol, plan a route, pack supplies, but not once did you think to come and tell me that my kids were planning on going AWOL?!”

“Y/N, I’m sorry,” was all Maggie could offer with a regretful shrug. “I’ve been distracted, ok? I knew you were worried enough about Daryl, so I didn’t want to add to things until I knew what to do.”

“So?” Michonne asked softly, taking a step closer and catching your gaze. She held it so intensely, you could feel her desperation bleeding onto you. “Are you in?”

Looking between them, you could see the steel set in their eyes. Knowing them each for as long as you did, especially Maggie, you knew when she was bound and determined, her mind was set and there would be no changing it. She was in fear for Glenn’s life, and the idea that her son would charge off after him frightened her even more. Because, just like his parents, Hershel was strong, determined and twice as stubborn.

“Why send the kids to the Kingdom? So, Carol can keep them under lock and key?”

“Pretty much. Would you cross Carol if she told you to stay put?” Maggie asked with the rise of one brow. “It's been how long now, and that woman still scares the crap outta me. The kids… they’ll have more to do there, too. It’ll keep 'em busy.”

“Hasn’t Abraham been on you about letting him go there anyway?” Michonne asked, trying to add to the reasons for you to say yes.

“Yes, he has. But they already have one parent out in parts unknown, now you want them to have two? Who’s to say they won’t try and sneak away from the Kingdom? I know Alexandria has its blind spots, but so does the Kingdom.”

“Not anymore,” Maggie said, picking up one of the packs and slinging it over her shoulder. “I told you, Carol has it handled. So, in or out? I want to get a move on.”

Maggie’s steely cold demeanor was understandable, but slightly troubling nonetheless. Things may have been peaceful, but she and Glenn had experienced the worst kind of loss in the years since, and she carried that anger, allowing it to ignite whenever there was a possible threat. Three of the communities’ strongest members were missing, and their children were set on going off on their own—THAT was enough to put her in Go-Mode.

“What would the guys say? They’d want us to stay put,” you said, more to yourself than them. Maggie just rolled her eyes, and Michonne’s features softened, along with her voice.

“Rick, Daryl and Glenn, they are alive today because they are strong and capable. They know how to survive, protect themselves. Do you think for one minute, they would have chosen to be with weak or weak-minded women? Just because we’re all mothers here, doesn’t mean we sit back and wait. We fight for them… to find them. To bring them home for all our children. This way our daughters—” Michonne’s words pausing slightly, remembering what her friend had lost as she felt Maggie stiffen beside her, “and our sons, can learn by example. So, they know to do the right thing, is not always the safe thing.”

You knew she was right, and Maggie knew that you realized it. She gave you the same look she gave you freshman year in high school when she dared you and her brother Sean to jump off the quarry’s edge into the water. Beth had been screaming in the background not to jump, Sean was nervous, but Maggie had insisted. You wanted to prove to her and Sean that you weren’t scared of anything, that you could be tough just like her. Somewhere deep down, you felt a bit of excitement at the rush the old memory brought up.

That lead to you remembering every time since then you needed to dig down and find the untapped power that resided in you. The same grit and determination that ultimately made Daryl fall in love with you.

Maggie realized that, too. Her stone-clad features softened, and the old daring smirk played on her lips. “Well?” she asked, and you half expected her to ask if you were ready to jump.

“Alright, Greene. You win. I’ll get the kids packed and be ready within the hour.”

  You found Abe and Shelby sitting on his bed, talking in hushed tones. Once they were aware of your presence, they stopped talking altogether. Neither of them spoke as you came in and sat on the edge of Abraham’s bed. Despite him being angry with you, and well past the aging of snuggling, he curled up into your side and wrapped your arm around his shoulders, hugging it closed to him.

“So, here’s the thing…” you started, pausing to look both in the eye, “I know what you were planning to do. Aunt Maggie and Mish stopped by to rat you all out. Not a good idea, guys. Its so beyond dangerous, and honestly, I can’t imagine what you were thinking.”

Both Shelby and Abe wanted to voice a protest, but they knew by your expression they’d be best to just stay quiet.

“However, we get why you wanted to go. It's hard having them all out there and not knowing what is happening. The idea that we didn’t try to help is sort of hard to live with because we would do anything for those we love. But what you aren’t considering, is that if you guys got lost out there too… if we didn’t know where you were, it would make it that much harder to concentrate on finding Daddy and the others. Alright?”

“So, we aren’t supposed to do anything?!” Shelby replied, her face quickly contorted into frustration.

“I didn’t say that. That’s why I came up. I want you two to pack up some stuff and get ready to leave. Me, Aunt Maggie and Mish are taking you to The Kingdom to stay with Carol and we are going to backtrack Uncle Rick’s course and hopefully run into Daddy and Uncle Glenn in our travels.”

“Wait… does that mean…” Abe sat up, his young, fiercely intense eyes were scanning you with hope, “…I get to join the archers?”

“Yeah, bud, it does. And Shel, they have a great school there. You can choose whatever you want to study. Pick something and put your all into it. That’s what Daddy would want you to do.”

She was silent, and you knew that could mean trouble. “Shelby?”

Shelby just shrugged and nodded in agreement. “Ok, whatever you say, mom.”

  The leaves crunched under Daryl’s boots as he followed the trail of blood deeper into the recesses of the forest. Daylight was fading quickly, and he knew that he was running out of time to find their next meal. The deer had been fast, but Daryl’s bolt had been faster as he aimed and released the trigger. He saw it impale the animal’s rear as it took off into the brush and followed as closely as he could.

Now, as he closed in on the dying animal, he felt the presence of someone watching him. Glenn and Jesus were back at the camp, so he knew it wasn’t one of them. The other search party looking for Rick was five miles due west, no way for them to catch up that quickly.

Daryl’s instincts heightened when he thought he heard someone trying to mirror his footsteps. Slow and methodical, he would step, trying to leave no sound or trace behind. That’s when he spotted the deer and heard the quickening of steps approaching from behind. They happened at the same time, and he reacted the only way he knew how… violently.

With his finger already set on the trigger, he released the bolt towards the deer and didn’t wait to see if it hit. In a second, he had his bow dropped, his left-hand unsheathing and swiping his knife around, backhanded and pointing the tip of the blade at someone’s throat. Before he could see who had nearly been cut, he was hit in the back of the head with something hard and heavy by a second attacker. His vision went dark and his body slumped to the ground with a thud.

Off in the distance, the deer’s corpse had fallen to the ground, with Daryl’s bolt protruding from its neck. Its last desperate whine had attracted some of the dead still roaming to feast in its remains. Daryl’s captors each grabbed one of his arms and carried him off before more walkers shambled into the small clearing and made escape impossible.

  He knew what he was seeing wasn’t real, but he didn’t care. He was home, in his own bed next to his wife, in his own house. A house that he once felt very trapped by; now he missed desperately and wanted to be back in it.

Just for this moment, he was, or part of him was; a memory most likely. One of the many he kept for times like this. When he couldn’t be with her, he would let himself fade into a private collection of moments where he remembers feeling the kind of happy, he never thought was meant for him.

It was an anniversary, they woke up in their bed, and went out to celebrate. Not with candles and champagne but with a walk in the woods on a clear autumn day. The sunlight filtered down through the stained-glass leaves and cast pockets of warmth on the moss. Y/N had laid down a blanket while he set up a safe perimeter. When he turned back to meet her, she had already laid down on it, her hair spilled out around the arms tucked beneath her head.

Daryl had been taken with her since she showed up at the prison, but never in a million years did he think their lives together would take the path they did. With each passing year, she would surprise with him a new layer, making him realize what life could be and how much he loved living it with her and their kids.

As he watched her lay in that bit of sunlight, he fell in love all over again. When she beckoned him over to lay next to her, he did so without a moment’s hesitation. This was the best part of the memory—just laying next to her. He could feel the weight of her body beside him, her head now resting on the arm he had wrapped around her. Her hand slowly moving around his body, getting caught up in his clothing, then subtly finding its way beneath the surface as her lips teased the flesh on his neck.

He wanted to tell her to stop, to just lay with him. But her touch wasn’t something he could ignore. He remembered how she propped herself up on one elbow and gazed down at him, a playful smirk stretching across her lips while her other hand slowly stroked his erection. He wanted to be back there now; go back in time to that moment so he could tell her how perfect it all was… how perfect she was.

A jarring pain to his left side yanked his daydream away. Daryl’s eyes flew open as he tried to scramble up, but his hands were tied behind his back and secured by another set of chains to a tree. His mouth was gagged and there was an explosion of pain at the base of his head.

Daryl tried to look up, but the pain and sunlight streaming through the trees made focusing difficult. He growled lowly and tried to concentrate solely on his captor’s feet. Black, military-issued boots, but smaller than normal. He followed their legs up and realized that at least one of his kidnappers was a woman, but this wasn’t who he had drawn his knife too. Her face was still obscured, but her body shape was something he noticed, even in his disorientated state.

“Well, well, someone’s finally awake,” she said and took another step closer, crouching down to meet his eye level. When Daryl realized who he was talking to, a smile unfurled across her face and a distinct satisfaction set into her expression. “Long time no see, old friend.”

TWD tags are open! Just send me an ask if you want to be added!

[hahanoiwont]

hey could i get 98 with those good good boys ango and taako. or taakitz 75 i cant decide

went for the first one, but I may yet go for the second one too…I just had an idea for the first one that i really liked

98: “I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

please enjoy Ango’s Adventures in Not That Wonderland (not that one either)

The boy has been walking for a long time.

Forever, maybe.

The forest is bright around him, with giggles in the undergrowth. There was a wide, clear path at some point, but the boy has left it. He was curious about this forest and its vivid greens and reds, like a forest written about in a book by someone who has never been to a real forest. The dreamer’s forest, he thinks.

There is a crash in the undergrowth, and some irritable cursing.

The boy cannot stop, but he doesn’t speed up. The crash will follow him or it won’t.

It does, and soon there is a dove flying beside him.

“Hey, pumpkin,” the dove says.

“Hello,” the boy replies. The dove keeps pace with him as he continues, hovering at his side.

“Wow, what a walk in the woods. I see now why I never, ever go hiking in my spare time,” the dove says. The boy shrugs.

“I think it’s nice.”

The undergrowth is thick, but it parts for him. The dove has to fly close in order to avoid being hit.

“Yeah, love the fuckin’…weedy deathtrap,” the dove says. “Hey, I should make a fantasy vape trick called that. Mag–Maggie would think that’s real cool.”

“I didn’t know birds could vape,” the boy says politely. The dove lights down on his shoulder as he ducks under a low branch before taking off again.

“Not usually a bird, kiddo. That one’s on you,” it says.

“You can ride on my shoulder,” the boy offers. “I don’t mind.”

The bird ruffles its feathers mid-flight. “How about fucking no,” it says. “You shouldn’t offer that.”

It flaps in the boy’s face. “Actually, what the fuck’s with the dove thing anyway? You couldn’t see me as a, as a fuckin’ T-Rex? A mongoose? Something cool? All a bird can do is fly, I can already do that, I’m magic.”

“Sorry,” the boy says.

“Shouldn’t say that here, either. Be careful what you offer, sweetheart,” the dove says. It preens the boy’s hair. “Debts here are a bad idea.”

“I’ll get my student loans somewhere else,” says the boy. The dove snorts, and it occurs to him, distantly, that that isn’t something doves are usually known to do.

“You’ve got the smartest, richest people in the world lining up to give you a free education, kiddo, that’s not gonna be an issue.” It flies ahead for a moment and gets hit by a branch.

“Seriously, fuck this place,” it complains. “You should go home. Less stupid trees, and the ones we do have are attached to our stupid friends.”

The boy looks around him. The trees don’t look stupid to him. They look very friendly.

“You can go if you want,” he says. “I’m walking here.”

“Bada bing, bada boom,” the dove mutters, but it makes no move to leave.

Boy and dove keep walking in silence, before the boy remembers his manners. He’d never thought he would forget those.

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says. “What’s you name? Mine is–”

“Nope!” the bird interrupts. “No names until we’re home. It’s no good here, this isn’t a naming space.”

The boy is grateful, because now that it’s come up, he can’t seem to think of a name. It’s a slippery thought and it keeps getting away from him.

The dove seems to take pity on him.

“You can call me T…erry…miah,” it says. “Uh, yeah. Terry…miah. Terrymiah. That’s a name, and it’s for me.”

The boy frowns. “That doesn’t sound like a real name,” he says.

The dove gives the impression of a shrug. “That’s ‘cause it ain’t. You want a real name, you’ll have to find it yourself.”

“You can’t give it to me?” the boy asks.

“No,” says the dove. There is a beat of silence.

“I think Justin would be a better fake name,” the boy says.

“That’s my fake train name,” says the dove. “This is my fake dove name. Get it together An–gst machine. Angst machine.”

“What’s your real human name?” asks the boy.

“I think that one’s also Justin. I’m not a real human.”

“Fantasy human?” the boy guesses. He kind of likes this game.

“Not that, either. It’s not a good idea to give out too much identifying information right now.” The dove bats his shoulder with a wing. “We gotta get where we’re going.”

“Where are we going?” the boy asks.

“Depends on you. I vote home with a cozy fire to burn these fuckers right up and a nice meal. Can you eat fairies?” It stares into the undergrowth and the giggling fades. The forest seems darker with it gone.

“You don’t have to be rude,” says the boy. “My grandpa–”

He stops. Talking, not walking. He keeps on walking.

“Sorry, what?” he asks.

The dove follows. “You were telling me about your grandpa,” it says, softer than before.

The boy shakes his head. “I don’t think I have a family,” he says. “I don’t remember anyone who misses me. No one has called me home. I’ve been walking for an awfully long time. If someone loved me, wouldn’t they come visit me?”

The dove shakes its head.

“Look, kiddo, I can’t force you to believe you have or don’t have a family,” it says. “Like, I could tell you there are people who would fight extraplanar malevolent entities that scare the shit out of them specifically because they don’t want your home to die or you in it, but it goes in one ear and out the other if you don’t wanna believe it. And I know you can’t remember shit right now, and that–that sucks. It kinda trumps everything. One minute you’re telling your brother-in-law not to give up and the next your entire identity is ‘from TV!’ and that sucks.”

It clears its throat. “Not, uh. Not that that specific example has anything to do with anything. I just, uh, literally anyone would be better at this, fuck. But, uh, I have a family that’s looking for a little boy, if you’re in the market,” it says, almost shyly.

“You have a family who would want me?” the boy asks. He has a feeling, a vague, fleeting impression, that he shouldn’t be wanted. That he has never been wanted, and this forest is the only place that will love him.

“Yeah, I got one in mind,” the dove says. “It’s big. And loud. And everyone would get you the same edition of the same dumb book and you’d have like thirty copies of Caleb Cleveland: Kid Cop Volume fuckity whatever, but only mine would be signed, so that one’s better.”

“I don’t know how to be family with a dove. Like, with biology. Don’t you only live like, five years?” the boy asks. He is intrigued by Caleb Cleveland, though. “Are the books good?”

The dove snorts. “Trust me, bubeleh, I’ve already long outlived what I’m supposed to, I got another few centuries in ol’, uh…Terrymiah…yet. And the books’re great, if you’re into nerd shit like that. My husband does shitty voices for all the characters.”

“I think you could do some voices too,” says the boy.

“Yeah, but mine are the fucking bomb. I own those characters,” the dove says.

The boy has a sneaking suspicion that he does not, in fact, own those characters. He has an inkling that Terrymiah the dove is a big liar.

“What about the story? Is it like a mystery?” The boy likes the idea of a mystery. A cool little puzzle to solve with his dads and moms and assorted aunts and uncles. He hopes it’s a really big family.

“Well there’s, uh, in this last one there’s a diamond heist,” the dove says. “I did a way cooler one a while ago, but this one’s okay too. Caleb has to find out who did it, only there’s these two gangs having a war and its messing up all the evidence. But it turns out, they’re having a war over diamonds! And Caleb’s gotta find out, see, are these the same diamonds? Were they sold off after the heist or are the gangs involved? And his mom wants him to help decorate for Candlenights but he’s gotta find all these diamonds, you know, catching crooks and solving clues, and–”

“And he has to hide the diamonds in the decorations!” Angus cheers.

“Wh–yeah!” the dove says. “He does! ‘cause he keeps finding ‘em and his police dude is MIA and shit!”

“That’s such a good book,” Angus says. “Can we read it again?”

“Absolutely,” the dove agrees. “Can’t believe I came all this way and it was Caleb fuckin’ Cleveland to–but yeah. Just as soon as we get home, okay, pumpkin? And after, like, a nap. Spell slots.”

“Spell slots?” Angus asks. The dove isn’t carrying a wand.

“Don’t worry about it. I got some more in me yet. Is that a clearing?” the dove hovers a little ahead, right in front of Angus’s face. He pushes it to the side, and it’s definitely suspect how it’s hovering just there and not falling or straining at all.

As he thinks it, the dove falls to the earth.

“Sir!” he says, kneeling next to it. “Are you–did I hurt you? I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to see the clearing, I’m so–”

The dove rolls awkwardly until it finds its feet and shakes off its feathers, all wounded pride and apparently not at all wounded physically for the fall.

“Now you realize how fucking doves work,” it mutters.

“Sorry, sir,” Angus says, chastened. The dove hits him with a wing.

“Don’t even, it’s this place. You’re a little boy and all. We should keep going, though. Not a good idea to stay in one place.” It flaps its wings once, twice, but doesn’t gain any air.

“Do you need a lift, sir?” Angus asks. Come to think of it, he’s not sure why this dove is a sir.

“Fuck you, I can fucking fly,” it says. Angus decides to ignore it and put it on his shoulder again.

“I’m gonna imaginary shit on your imaginary shirt,” it threatens. Angus shrugs.

“Okay, sir,” he says. He feels like there are a lot of things his new friend says that he can safely ignore. “Why are there so many things that aren’t a good idea here?”

The dove begins smoothing its ruffled feathers. “You aren’t from here,” it explains. “I’m descended from this kind of place, distantly, but you aren’t. It’s why it messes with your head, and anything that stumbles across us here will have a home field advantage.”

That doesn’t sound good.

“How do we get home?” Angus asks. He stumbles a bit as he enters a brightly-lit clearing.

“How indeed,” says a new voice, a light that dances in the clearing. “Do you want to go home, little one? Truly?”

Angus feels dizzy, almost, staring directly into dazzling light. It’s beautiful. Like nothing he’s ever seen.

Taako attacks it.

“You get the fuck away from my magic boy, you half-corporeal light show!” he says, beating it with wings and talons, and then he isn’t a dove anymore, he’s a bear standing between the fae and Angus.

With a powerful swipe of his claws, he dispels it. Dead or gone, Angus isn’t sure.

“Really, kiddo?” Taako turns around. “Is this an I’Morko thing? Mama bear thing? I refuse to be part of it, if so.”

He turns into a dragon. Smaller than an adult dragon really should be, maybe horse-sized, but he seems to be the correct size for Taako, Angus thinks.

Taako shakes his head and stretches his wings out, giving them a hard flap.

“Now this is more like it!” he says. “Seriously, though, now that one of ‘em’s found you, we really gotta go. Clearing’s a good sign but we’re not out of the woods yet.”

He lowers his long neck to look closely at Angus.

“Actually. You carried me a bit, right? There’s a debt there. How about I carry you some, too?” he proposes.

“You told me not to do debts,” Angus says.

Taako snorts flame that doesn’t hurt. “Either way. I can’t carry you out of the woods, I can only help you on your way.”

Angus thinks hard. That seems important.

“Why are you here, anyway? And not home with your husband or your big family?” he asks.

Taako shrugs his massive shoulders, and Angus hops on his back. It seems more efficient that way, he thinks. And he gets this feeling he can trust Taako.

He’s also riding a dragon, and that is really, really cool.

Taako shoots through the woods, breathing fire at any obstructions, and then ice once Angus realizes that he’s a silver dragon and really shouldn’t be able to use fire.

“Hubby’s not really able to visit here,” he says. “This is a plane without death. Same goes for most everyone else, really. Either they’d forget like you did or they’re not allowed. Politics, mostly.”

“Why can I make you into other things?” Angus presses.

“‘cause fuck the Feywild, that’s why,” Taako says. He does not seem inclined to comment further.

Angus chews his lip. There’s one other thing he really needs to know.

He hunches over Taako. He’s very warm, and then he realizes that dragons are cold-blooded and Taako is an ice dragon and he is comfortable cool. There is something familiar and safe about the chill, he thinks.

He gathers his courage from that.

“If I go home, can I stay with you?” he asks. His final question, he promises himself. He won’t be a bother if the answer is no. He’ll be fine.

“We’ve already got the bedroom set up, be a hell of a waste if you weren’t there to use it,” Taako says, slowing to a trot.

“That’s okay, I–really?” Angus asks. “Just for me?”

Taako shrugs. “You know it, kiddo. You got other places to stay, but mine is rad and I don’t know why you’d live anywhere else.”

There’s light filtering in through the trees and they’re beginning to thin out again.

Angus clutches Taako’s back.

“Is that gonna be another one?” he asks, hiding as best he can in the mane Taako develops. Taako nudges him with his tail.

“I’ll be damned,” he says. “I didn’t think we could get here while I was carrying you. We’re almost home.”

Angus clutches tighter.

“What if your husband doesn’t like me? Will you put me back because you like him better?” he asks.

“Fuck no, I’ll kick his ass,” Taako says. “He loves you, you do nerd shit together and he thinks you’re the hot shit.”

Angus isn’t convinced.

“What about your big family? That’s a lot of people. What if they don’t like me?” he insists.

“Kick their asses too. I like you,” Taako tells him plainly. “An–Ango, I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Nothing’s gonna hurt you while I’m around.”

And just like that, he trots out of the woods, and they’re in their yard, in their home back in Neverwinter. Mister Kravitz is pacing the length of the house, and Miss Lup is barbecuing hot dogs.

“–even worry about ‘em, Angus is clever as hell. He’ll be saving Taako’s disaster ass, I’m calling it now,” she says. Mister Kravitz says something too low to hear, turns in his pacing, and spots them.

“Taako! Angus!” he calls. Angus reaches past Taako’s shoulders, and falls right out of his piggyback. He hadn’t even noticed Taako returning to elf form.

(”Oh, the labor,” Taako groans, and Lup conjures a mage hand to hit him over the head).

“Mister Kravitz!” he calls, and Mister Kravitz picks his up and holds him close and spins him, even colder than usual but brimming with affection.

“You scared us, Angus, don’t ever do that again,” he reprimands. “You could have been gone! Kaput! I never would have found you! Don’t wander off like that!”

Taako drapes himself over both of them. “Aw, don’t worry about it, Bone Daddy. All’s well that ends well.” His eyes are dark with worry, though. “How ‘bout it, kiddo? Lingering memory loss, disorientation, sense of unreality? You know who you are?”

“Yes, sir,” Angus confirms. “I’m Angus McDonald, Boy Detective! Did you tell Miss Lucretia I was trapped in the Feywild? I was supposed to meet her for lunch, but I think I’m late.”

Kravitz combs his fingers through his hair. “Three days late, in fact. She’s inside with everyone else. And you, love, need to get back to your body,” he says to Taako, who now that Angus looks at him is looking remarkably incorporeal.

“You didn’t take me out of my body, did you?” Angus asks worriedly. He feels his hands. They seem solid.

“Naw, kiddo, you’re all here,” Taako says, swiping a hand through him to show it. “Can’t even touch you now that we’re not in the Feywild. Merle’ll do his shitty cleric thing to be sure, but you’re fine.”

“And nothing bad is going to happen to me while you’re around,” Angus says. Taako groans and mutters about embarrassment and his brand and swears an oath of vengeance.

Angus remembers what he said, though, as Kravitz carries him inside and the exhaustion hits. Apparently walking for three days straight takes it out of you.

He repeats it to himself as he falls asleep.

I like you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Nothing’s gonna hurt you while I’m around.

He believes it.

[benbarnesescape]

2, 44 and 48 with billy russo? (from your new prompt list) maybe with the reader being a cia agent or something like that and going 'bad' for billy? But that's up to you (:

This was really fun to write! 

“Thisisn’t a game and you shouldn’t treat this like one.”

You pulledyour jacket closer to you as you walked down the busy streets of New York, asteaming cup of coffee in one of your hands and your bag held closely in theother as those words ran through your head. You turned a corner only to begreeted by a stranger running into you, dumping your large black coffee allover the New York street along with the contents in your work bag.

“Really?”you say to no one as the guy curses at you, not stopping to help you as youbend down to pick up the contents. You sigh, noticing a couple of files thathad become victim in the accident and begin to organize the files, pushing themback into your leather satchel.

Itwas your fault, running into the guy. You were distracted. Billy had been inyour head again. Had been for a while now. It annoyed the shit out of youbecause if he was in your head that meant that you were taking his warning witha grain of salt.

“You got a lot to lose if youfind Frank Castle.” Billy watched you as you threw your head back against hiscouch, strategically placing your feet on the table.

“What do you mean Billy. I don’thave kids. I don’t have a mom or dad – meth and gang violence took care of thata long time ago. Move too much to have to many close friends. I, of all thepeople involved in this tango, have nothing to lose.”

Billy’s back is to you, pouringyou both drinks before he turns around and strides toward you, taking a seattoo close to you as you grab the glass.

“You know what I mean. You likeyour job. Always been good at getting people to tell you your secrets by anymeans,” You roll your eyes as his hand moves to your thigh and you sit up,looking at him as his voice drops, an octave more serious. “I know that you’veworked your whole life Y/N to be a part of the CIA. You were a good soldier,you’re a better intelligence gatherer and you’re a natural killer. Don’t letMadani getting in that pretty little head of yours and make you forget that –get in the way of your dream.”

You take a swig of your drinkbefore you swat his hand away, your face inching closer to his as you whisper,

“Shouldn’t that be my lineRusso. You were always the kind of guy who liked to get your taste and move on.But you haven’t with Madani. I think she really likes you. And you like her.Obviously.”

You stand up and walk toward thewindow, trying to ignore the ache in your heart. You and Billy had had metwhile you both served – him as a marine and you in the army. You were anintelligence gathered assigned to his team because you were the best and theyneeded it. You had stayed in contact over the years and, when Stein had slidthe file across your desk about the possibility of Frank Castle being alive,had contacted Billy immediately about it. The same Frank that had garnered yourrespect while you served together. You knew how much he meant to Billy andcouldn’t hold it back, even if it was a breach of policy.

You hear Billy sigh as he setshis glass down, before walking to the window behind you.

“You know, I never denied how muchI liked you,” he whispers, reaching for your glass and turning you around. “Youwere the one always talking about boundaries. And Madani is a means to an endfor now.”

You shake your head, placingyour hands on his chest.

“Billy that’s beside the point. IFFrank is alive, he’s waist deep in some shit. The government is in some stinkyunkosher shit. I don’t know what to do anymore. Don’t know what I am ifeverything I believe in is a lie…”

Billy sighs, looking out at thecity skyline and you both stand there in silence. Minutes later, he looks downat you, seriousness dripping from his voice,

“I know you like to play gamesand be a tease and all that. Its half the reason I’ve always liked you. Youknow how to find the balance in keeping your sanity and getting shit done. ButY/N, this isn’t a game and you shouldn’t treat this like one. Remember thatwhatever path you decide to take.”

Thathad happened two weeks ago and after you left his place you both had been radiosilent. Wasn’t usual for either of you but you know, somewhere in the back of yourmind, it was probably best that way. You sigh, placing the last paper in yourbag before you hear a voice say,

“Ifyou want, I got a good look of the guys face. I can kick his ass for not beinga gentleman.”

You tryto hide your smile as you look up to see Billy smiling down at you, two cups ofsteaming coffee in his hands.

“Youplant that guy to have an excuse to talk to me?” You ask, extending your handup for existence as Billy easily pulls you up, balancing the large coffee’sperfectly in his other hand.

“If Iknew it was that easy I would have.”

Yousmile, taking the coffee, he offers and give a contented sigh as you take along sip.

“So,you’re tailing me?” you finally say and Billy chuckles, sticking his free handin his pocket and shaking his head.

“JesusY/N you really are a pusher. I saw you when I was getting a coffee and wasgoing to come over and apologize. Then I saw that asshole knock you off yourgame and had to check on you.”

Younod, moving aside to a less busy part of the sidewalk and Billy follows you asyou say,

“Heardyou and Madani ain’t a thing anymore.”

“She’sbeen pushing me about some things and I’m over it you know. Its fine to have anice fuck but not if she’s going to keep prying.”

Youshake your head, trying not to be annoyed as you ask,

“Thenwhy talk to me. I’m no different.”

Hewatches you carefully, before taking a step closer to you and ignore thepounding in your heart as you look up at his tall stature.

“I can’t stop thinking about you… I can’t.”

“Billy…” you begin and he raises his hand.

“Listen, outside of frank you were one of the few people in my lifethat always had my back. Always went out of your way to make sure I was alive –ok. And…. despite all my fucked up attachment issues, I care for you. I likeyou. And stubborn or not – I know you like me too. So, let me…. help you withyour work thing.”

You’re silent, taking long sips of your coffee before you exhale andsay,

“If you help me then you’re helping Madani.”

Billy shakes his head, an amused smile on his face before gettingcloser and whispering.

“I don’t give a fuck about Madani. I care about you. And the fact thatmaybe, through a little investigative work, I got a hit on frank.”

You stare at him, feeling the way, your breathing has hitched as yourbrain tries to focus on him. Frank Castle really was alive?”

“Are you sure?” you finally let out and Billy nods, his eyes no longerwith that twinkle of amusement.

“Had a beer with him not but two days ago.”

You bite your lip, looking down, trying to ignore the way your handsshake, causing your coffee to bleed over the cup onto your frigid hands. Billynotices. He gently holds your hand and you look back up at him, shaking your head.

“Hoping he wasn’t alive you know. That just seriously complicates…. Idon’t……I don’t want to give him to Madani but I don’t also understand why Frankwould go into hiding either unless he had something to hide.”

Billy nods before smiling, taking your work bag and looping his armwith yours.

“You have a few minutes for breakfast?”

You arch an eyebrow. You didn’t. You had a thousand case files to gothrough, on top of investigating who had killed one of your service men. Yourlife was one big tornado waiting to be released.

“Why not?” you shrug and you both start heading down the street.Getting caught in the sound of the city. Silent and stuck in your head.Finally, Billy whispers low enough for you to catch,

“I have a proposal for you.”

“A proposal?”

“It has to deal with all this shit but if things play out well, we cankeep Frank’s identity safe and ensure that you and fellow CIA agents don’t getcaught in the cross hairs.”

“Sounds like the kind of work I used to do back when I was a naïve littlearmy woman.” You stop and look back at him and he’s avoiding you. His eyessearching anywhere but your face.

“Sounds like a job a certain policy man in DC used to want us to do.”

His jaw flexes and you give a soft nod.

“He help you with Anvil?”

Billy clears his throat and nods.

“Government track. That’s smart. Helps take care of that itch – that feelingof being in control.”

You turn back in front of you sighing. You didn’t know what Billywanted from you but whenever you got involved with William, you always ended upbeing more an assassin than an intelligence gatherer. That side of you, thatcrazy animalistic side, scared the shit out of you.

“You don’t have to do it. We pretend I ever bought it up.”

He’s trying to offer you an olive branch you know. Know that he’s puthimself on the line for being honest with you because he cared. Cared beyondthe sexual tension and teasing. There was a bond you had with him. With frank. Witha lot of men and women you served with. Strongest with him. You debate it asyou cross the street as he takes you closer to the dive diner that had been afavorite for years before you stop him, looking up at him and saying

“I am who I am because of you. If you need help with Frank Castle,then who better to help you get him than me.”

He smiles, before he bends down to kiss you softly. When he pulls awayhe whispers,

“You don’t know how happy you just made me.”

[heavenlynotices]

Spirit Chronicles: Miracle on Old Town Road

I am the recipient of a true miracle. A divine and heavenly message that literally saved my life. One that sounds too good to be true, a story that many will not believe. While others will rejoice in it and find inspiration about life after death and how our loved ones care for us in the great beyond. What I am writing is the direct result of God and his power to heal, change our lives and work miracles. God has a plan for everyone, he gave his only son to make sure that we could have life after death. This event in my life involves life after death and spiritual activity beyond imagination. Follow along with me as I tell the true story of Miracle on Old Town Road.

It all started with some chest pain and tightness I was having at work. I thought I was just experiencing signs of stress and fatigue. I was refusing to acknowledge something may really be wrong. I have dreamed vividly for most of my life, but recently those dreams have become real, scary at times and hard to understand. My wife had been telling me to relax, not stress and to go to the doctor. I even had an episode where I had to go to the local hospital for testing. After a battery of tests, they sent me home with instructions to get a sleep study and a stress test. The doctor told me all that could kill me were covered in the testing and I was likely just stressed out. Little did he know the misdiagnosis could have cost me my life.

Prior to all this happening we had been experiencing unusual activity outside with a female voice being heard. Several family members had heard this female voice outside our house. A nice voice, calming and in each situation a family member was by themselves and heard the lady. The first time my daughter heard the woman say "I can't understand what you're saying". She stepped inside and told my wife and I about it, so we immediately got on the golf cart and rode around the yard and property to investigate. We found nobody, no signs of trespassers, no further voices so I wrote it off as just hearing things. A week later the second event of the woman happened. I had taken our little dog Finley out to pee before bed time and he ran around the corner of the house. I hollered for him several times because it is very dark out where we live and the coyote population is strong. As I yelled at Finley where are you the third time, a woman's voice said "he is over here". I stepped inside to ask my wife and daughter if they had said something to me and they were both working on computers and busy. So now I am starting to think, something isn't right with this. A few weeks later, my wife heard the voice while she was outside say "hey girl, what are you doing". As the third time, we then began to believe that we may have a ghost or spirit on the property. The final time was a few days later while I was cleaning the yard up, the woman said "what are you doing". So now we knew something was wrong and we had a ghost, spirit, haunting, call it what you want.

We went on with life and talked about it from time to time, but didn't really hear anything else outside. My wife has a friend that she speaks with about 1-2 times a year to check up on her family. She had an urge to call the friend and talk to her. They had a nice conversation and at the end of the call, my wife mentioned the woman outside and how weird it was. At this point, the friend reveals to my wife that she had a gift of seeing and knowing things from a spiritual world standpoint. She stated that the woman's name was Martha or Margaret and she had died on the property many, many years ago.

She also mentioned that there were native american spirits on the property that were at peace, as well as a man that was mad. As with the thought of spiritual contact and all that we see and hear on TV, it is hard to grasp that this may be real. So with this information in hand and not sure what to do with it we did some online investigation, called the previous landowner and spoke to him. He told us he knew nothing of it, but would ask around and get back. A few days later he called and this is where things get interesting.

Martha was an older lady that lived on the property in the early 1900's with her husband. She died of a sudden heart attack on the property. Her husband died in a tractor accident years later and was angry that he had gone so fast. Turned out, he was the mad spirit because he died in pain and wasn't ready to cross over yet. After getting the news we spoke to our friend again to update her. That's when my Mom gave me the Miracle contact, divine intervention, call it what you may.

As we were finishing the conversation with our friend my mom came through and told her to make sure I went to the hospital or doctor immediately. My mom told her I had two clots in my heart and would die if I didn't go to the doctor. My dad and my wife's parents also got into the conversation and at some point the friend had to turn her powers off and send them away. Being an empath is very tiring and wears a person's spirit down. My mom passed away in April of 2017. Yes, I said a visit from a person who died over three years ago is what led me to a miracle.

Armed with this information and not sure how to take the news. We contacted my doctor and got an immediate appointment. After checking records, listening to family history and working me up, the doctor recommended a procedure to check my heart. We scheduled it and a few days later I had the procedure. More to come on what happened as an outcome. Hearing things such as spirits coming through from Heaven and such can be confusing at the least. We were trying to decipher the information and make sense of it. I have had many dreams about my parents and always felt they were around me even in death. The weekend before the procedure my wife and I took a trip to the mountains of NC. We were close to her friends house so we went for a visit and things again took an interesting turn.

As we were visiting, talking and hanging out my mom came back through and she was still upset that I hadn't fixed the issue with my heart yet. During this conversation things got really weird as a necklace I had worn for 3-4 years was torn off my neck. This necklace was purchased in the Bahamas and had a so-called healing stone on it. I also wore a gold necklace with a gold cross my wife had given me when we got married over 25 years ago.

My routine was to put on my gold cross around my neck every morning. I then would put on my t-shirt and put the black necklace over the top of it. What I had been doing was putting a graven image over the cross and God was not happy about that. I had mistakenly done this for several years thinking it was helping me with a nerve condition in my neck. When the black necklace was torn off, the friend told me that an old man named James did it. My dad and grandpa were both named James so I assumed it to be my dad, who had come through prior to this happening as well.

Our friend advised that James was an old man close to 100 years old so it had to be my grandpa who passed away in his 70's back in 1973. I remember tidbits about him, but was young when he passed. She said the man was old and had been in the heavenly light a long time and was a powerful spirit of good. As I picked the necklace up off the floor and showed it to my friend, she immediately got sick on her stomach and said that the necklace was bad, of the black arts and had something attached to it.

The necklace was causing the heart issues as there was a battle between good and evil taking place on my chest, in my body. I was told to get rid of the necklace, but had thoughts of fixing it. I was confused and things were tugging at my soul. To wash the black arts away, I had to go to rushing water, toss the necklace in and say a prayer of protection from God and my Angels. My wife and I went to a nice river, put our feet in the cold water and tossed the necklace far away as we could in a deep pool. We said a prayer of recovery and protection and I instantly felt better about things, my soul and got some much needed clarity.

We returned home and I had a heart procedure. Turned out my mom was 100% correct. I had what doctors call a widow maker in my heart. I was blocked in two places and the main artery was about 99% clogged. The doctor obviously cannot state that I would have died soon, but had it not been for the divine warning and heavenly intervention I would probably have fallen over dead of a heart attack. It was one of the worst he had ever worked on and he was amazed my heart had not already stopped working.

In the process of recovery I have found out some more information about things, gained clarity and decided it was time to put some of my life events, dreams, happenings and last but not least miracles from heaven in writing. Final thought on the necklaces, God was testing me to see which way I would go. I received a blessing and have great things ahead of me because I choose God. I choose the light, I choose to be a better person and use my God given talent to continue to help others as I have for many years.

Difference is now, I have better focus, more acute to my surroundings and happenings. I see life differently as I had before and this blog is just the start. I hope you gained inspiration from these words. Just know that God has a plan for your life, he is wonderful and wants what is best for all of us. Sometimes we have to be tested, brought to our knees to realize exactly how loving our heavenly father is. Whatever you believe in the ghost, the spiritual side of things is on you. But as a long time Christian who had veered too far away from God's grace, I advise you to slow down, listen to the good words of people, love one another, give blessings and avoid being a negative energy vampire.

My mom was a great person on earth, kind, loving and compassionate. Now she is a spiritual guide in Heaven and protector of my family. Through this wonderful soul, I was granted a second chance in life and plan to fully take advantage of it one inch, one day and one moment at a time.

Luke 4:10, For it is written, “‘He will command his angels concerning you, to guard you".

KB

[littlelostbluejay]

(Luxury Asks): champagne/silver/jazz

Luxury Asks. | Open | @gravisludos

Champagne: What topic could you talk about for hours?      

“Wow,” A closed smilepulled acutely at his plump lips as eyes shut, head nods in approval as he bounceda pointed finger in the air that illustrated the smooth, yet, vivid favor towardsthe subject inquired of him, “now tha’is a good question mademoiselle.” And with a low ‘ahem’ the airways of histhroat are cleared, biceps bulging when toned, muscular arms fold beneath hischest as he held his head high, and the chair he sits on whines softly beforeleaning back against his seat as the smile plastered broadens, reveals sharpcanines. On the course of his long life, Lucas experience firsthand what life hadto offer, and although most of what he discovered were rocks for a time, but ifinspected closely, gems were hidden beneath the surface, waiting for the insightfultouch of anyone who possessed a spirit sagacious, even percipiently astute.

Therewere a multitude of topics he could discuss, but one stood out the most fromthe rest of what bloomed within his mind.“A topic I can ramble on for hours would hav’ta be proverbs an meaningfulquotes…now I know that sounds like two things but they practically fit in thesame category – wise old sayings, y’know?” Thick eyebrows rose as his headtilts with a small shrug. “Ahh…to beable to interpret something meaningful and express it in your own words basedon how it impacts you is a form of thinking ability, that’s where my mind dwellsometimes. Basically, I like meditating on quotes and proverbs, analyzing themeaning behind them and how I can apply it if it benefits me; I’ve had interestingconversations in the past about them…and… I’m hoping I’ll be able to find morelikeminded people in this decade who picks up to read a knowledgeable bookevery once in a while…those are one of the types of people I like to spend mycompany in more than anything…really.”

Silver: Do you have any obscure hobbies? what are they?  

Asmall hum emits from his throat, bottom lip pouts as Lucas mulled over anyinterests he found pleasure in that were usually kept in secret, not that therewas any valid reason that would discourage him from sharing his hobbies withothers, but one managed to spring forth out of the bed of memories that werewrapped up for safe keeping. And a hand rose to rake sturdy fingers through thekinks of his black hair, pondering over how he should deliver a coherent response.

“This… might sound strange to ya but…whenI was livin in the woods I occasionally liked pulling heavy things while wearina harness attached to something; I would use it to pull dead trees or to quicklytransport stuff from one place to another. And I guess since I did it so oftenit was like a workout for my upper body and legs.” He blinked and gazed atthe interviewer sideways, unsure if they could understand what he was talkingabout. “I suppose I would call itharness training/exercise…okay neva’mind wha’ I jus said…I like ta collectantiques, is tha’ good enough?”

Jazz: Name a song that resonates with you and your emotions. explain the reason why.

Asensation sinks within the interior of his chest where his heart descends, nowlays at the bottom of the cage and threatens to slip through the cracks as hislungs shudders above, issues short breaths of air, and inhales sharply for moreoxygen that suddenly seems difficult to enter through. The wolf swallowed thickly.Lucas knew exactly what song that struck down to his core, and the silent soundof the melody begin to echo in his mind’s eye before traveling to his ears, whichcauses him to incline his head and immediately cast dark eyes down away fromthe viewer. Dark features don’t place effort to feign enthusiasm or suave forthis question, but instead, there is vulnerability in the way he utters aportion of where the wolf within peeks its nose out, exposes its afflictionthat’s been buried for almost a century, now, has a chance to express hisinternal heartache in a long howl.

“As somebody who’sold school, would ya believe the one song that hits me is from an anime? Wolf’sRain? The ending credits plays this song called ‘Gravity’, and the reason whythis song is able to get a rise out of me when I hear it is because…” Full lips pressedtogether then, voice soft and graced with profound sentiment in regard to hispast, his words drifted to a halt as his expression falls considerably to bear aforlorn glimmer in his eyes.

“I’mreminded of the journey I initiated years ago…I abandoned my home to ventureout into the world without looking back at what I was leaving behind…thememories I left…” Memories flitted across his mind, but they weredistorted, diluted, nearly washed away during the expanse of time. “…if I can remember everything correctly Imean… It’s been years…an while I don’t completely regret my decision because there’ssoo much to learn outside…but the scale of the situation I placed myself in canbe a bit overwhelming if I focus on the fact I left my mom, my dad, my brothersand sisters and friends I grew up with while being one of the ancient, last speciesto exist on earth…and that I might be the last one because I never see my speciesanywhere…it’s like I can hear the earth calling me to come back sometimes…maybeit’s my mom howling for me…but.. I’m afraid they’ll be gone…maybe dead…thegravity of it all…like…did I make a mistake?” A hard sting, developmentof water seeks to over pour within his dark orbs as he averts his gaze to theside, but he never once lifts his head from the ground. “Am I alone…”

[lunarl3eauty]

Someone, please, remind me that I’m not alone.

It’s been a while, and I need to get this off my chest.

Do you have someone you love that has an alcohol problem? I’m struggling with someone who has one. My father has anger issues, is bi-polar, paranoid, and an alcoholic. It was much worse a few years ago, this was also before my attitude change. He would yell at me while he was drunk, in this forever loop about whatever it was that pissed him off. I would be trapped there, broken down in tears from being yelled at, waiting for it to be over. Then one day I thought to myself “You know what? I’m an adult and I don’t have to take someone treating me like this. I have a car, I can just leave.” So that’s what I started doing. I avoided him. I would either go to my room, or I would leave. After a while, it got to the point that I just didn’t care anymore. I would come home and he would be drunk. I was sick of hiding out and running away, I live here too and I have every right to be here. I started standing up to him. He didn’t really like that, and it usually made things worse. Anything and everything could set him off. One day it was because I didn’t want to sit in a chair. Many times it was because I didn’t want to sit and watch a youtube video / listen to a song he wanted to play on his computer.( I wouldn’t mind giving him my time, but it’s always when I have to meet someone or go somewhere. When he asks for 5 minutes of my time, it’s never 5 minutes. It always ends up being half an hour or even longer.) Half of his stories just looped around to other ones he’s already told me during the same session. I was annoyed and sick of hearing about his work being out to get him.

One day I was making dinner and he came in there to complain, again, about how they were trying to get him fired at work and such. I think I said something like “I don’t care”. Good god, that really made things blow up. I wasn’t emotional during any of it. Once I started standing up for myself a wall was put up and nothing he said or did would cause me to loose composure in front of him. I’m not going to let the bully win, and that’s what he has become - a bully. As he continued to yell and cuss at me, I just stood in the kitchen making my food. Yes, I was responding which made it worse. Then he called me a bitch, he dropped to his chair wailing, and then got on the ground and crawled to his room. I left my dinner on the counter and left. It didn’t hit me until I was half way to my friend’s house and I started crying. My father has never called me a bitch before, and I never thought in a million years he would. It hurt and I was shocked, my mom once told me when an ex had called me some names, that she would leave my dad if he ever called her those things. A few days later, he was sweeping and just casually told me that he tried to kill himself after I had left that night. He took a bunch of pills. There is no way of knowing if he did or not, and that’s not something I like to take lightly, but at the same time.. my father is great at manipulating people. He does shit to get what he wants. We were all nice to him for a while after that, which is exactly what he wanted. He got away with treating me horribly. He goes through phases were he doesn’t drink and he’s okay, a lot of times he’s moody (he’s bi-polar and constantly takes himself off his meds) and he often picks on me about eating things. He says he’s not making fun of me because no one is around to hear it, as if that makes any difference at all. I have told him before I don’t like him “joking” like that, and he continues to do it anyways. He makes sideways comments all the time. My ex heard one and told me after the fact. He said it took everything in him not to do or say anything. It’s weird because he can tell me how smart I am and how proud he is of me, and then just like that he can turn it around and cuss at me. He wasn’t always like this. He does have good moments, but they seem to be few and very far between.  Last night, was the worst. My family and I came home and waited for each other before going in. We knew he was pissed off and knew that he was drunk. We went inside and the house was a wreck. Chairs had been knocked over in the kitchen, his clothes were all in bags on and around his car, a closet had everything pulled out on to the floor, the computer tower was laying in the living room on it’s side with the printer thrown on top along with something else I couldn’t recognize, the computer room was trashed. Papers were all over the floor, the drawers of the desk were laying about, a chair was over turned, the computer desk and the shelf thing on top (desk with a hutch looking piece attached to the top to give you shelves) was laying on the ground. He yelled and cussed at all of us for half an hour before the police were called. He’s drunk in his own home, there is nothing they can do about it. He hasn’t been physical with anyone, so again, nothing they could do. Fucking up the house, well that’s a civil matter and they can’t do anything about that either. They could talk to him though, which was better than nothing. Oddly enough the officer that responded had been to our house before and remembered my father. “I see you haven’t gotten your car fixed from the last time I was out here. When you drank and drove back home.You may not remember me, but I remember you” My father bounced back and forth from being angry, to doing that crying thing he does, to being okay, and then angry again. He also likes to throw in that he was in the military (he was in the air force and was discharged due to a back injury from holding a heavy box while on a latter. He never saw any kind of battles or action, but when he brings it up, he likes to make you assume he has.) and had to throw in that he has a mental problem. At one point the officer gave him a warning that he would take him for disorderly conduct because he kept interrupting the officer, talking over him, and then yelled at him. Silently, I wished he’d continue and get taken away. Maybe that would have been the wake up call he needs The officer advised us to leave for the night, since my father can’t. They can’t force him out of his own home, and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. So we did, the officer (and two others that showed up randomly) walked us out of the house. The whole time I had been rock solid, my heart had been beating fast, I could feel my body shaking the whole time, but I showed no emotion. Not even when his nose almost touched mine and he was yelling at me about something that had nothing to do with me. He has called me heartless because of this new attitude, but it seems to be the only way I can handle him. I feel better being solid in front of him and not backing down. It’s not like seeing me cry ever made a difference, so why let him see how much he hurts me? I’ve tried to talk to him about it while he was sober before, which went no where. I got a passive aggressive letter flipping it around to be my fault. My father’s behavior makes me sick. He does this wailing crying thing, but then turns around and gets in my face pointing and screaming at me. He’ll give me some half ass apology only to do it again. His apology means nothing anymore. He says he’s sorry like a coward (he says it from another room “I’m sorry.”) and then does the same thing again. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t make him get help, I can’t make him do anything. As long as he continues to live with no consequences, I don’t think he’s ever going to change. Why should he? He gets to drink all he wants, stay home and watch TV, get on the computer and listen to music, or sleep. He gets to treat all of us terribly and then he acts like nothing ever happened. I. AM. DONE. I can’t afford to move out, I can’t support myself due to a whole other situation. I am going to sit down and talk with someone about this later and see what we can do. I’ll give up whatever I have to, whatever I can afford to give up (I can’t stop making car payments for example, but I could give up my gym membership.) I have to get out of that house. I can’t go back to living the way we did a few years ago. I never knew what I was going to come home to. I can’t fucking deal with this abuse anymore. He won’t admit he’s abusing us, but he is, verbally. I don’t know what else to do. I hate to leave my mom alone in that mess, as if I am abandoning her, but she has the same options I do. She could leave him if she wanted. She could go stay somewhere for a while to make him see that he is loosing everything. Maybe that would change his mind, but I doubt it.  You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. You can’t make someone change, they have to want to change for themselves. It’s a hard reality to deal with and accept. I am going to find a way to get out of this though. I will not continue to live like this. I have nothing else to say to him and he can leave me all the passive aggressive notes that he wants. I won’t bother to read them. The man that lives in my house is not my dad. My dad would never treat me or anyone else the way he has been treating us for years. I don’t care if he has a mental issue (bi-polar), he chooses not to take his medication. I don’t give a fuck what his excuse is going to be this time. I just don’t care. Flat out. I don’t fucking care. After dealing with this for, what four years now?, I just can’t anymore. I use to feel bad for feeling numb or that I didn’t care, but I don’t anymore. No one should have to go through this, no one. I know I am not alone in dealing with this personally (my family has to deal with it), but I know there are many people out in this world who has to deal with someone in their life like that too. 

[contadorharrison]

How I overcame screen addiction

A friend who knows that your blogger spends excessive amounts of time on computing devices, told me the other day that smart phones and tablets can be addictive to adults and to children it can affect childhood development.He says smart phones, tablets and laptops have made life easier for many, but health experts are now monitoring and trying to limit exposure from the age of two onwards.He elaborated how his younger brother’s screen addiction derailed his passion for a sports career. "At the point where it was worst, my young brother didn't realise how much it was controlling his life," he told your blogger. "Instead of sitting down and doing an hour or two of solid practice, it would be interspersed with checking his phone. It wasn't just with sport, it was with reading or anything. It's a massive addiction. "But young brother didn't notice it because it's also quite culturally acceptable to use phone all the time. It's expected."He said his brother would sometimes wake up in the night and check his phone.“He’d go to dinner, check it there, go out with mom and dad, check it there, go out with his friends, check it there," he added. "It was ridiculous. Young brother couldn't go anywhere without it." He says limiting the amount of time spent on social media made his young brother feel more connected to him, rest of family and friends. Screen time releases joyful chemicals in the brain. Spending large amounts of time on tablets, smartphones, laptops and applications like Instagram, Twitter and Facebook can change our brains over time according to a Psychologist friend working as a counsellor for both adults and school kids and has helped depressed adults and children shake their screen addiction. She told your blogger screen time stimulates happy chemicals in the brain and can leave users anxious and distracted. “Contador, it works similar to other addictions in that there is a reward pathway that dopamine sets up. If you're doing any activity that feels really good, you would want to do more of that activity and continue to have that good feeling," she told your blogger."I think it comes down to not just the device necessarily, but it's what people are doing with the device. "Similarly to someone with a gambling problem, it might not be the racecourse, but it's what you do at that racecourse. "The negatives can be the in-built addictive qualities that some of the apps have that get you to want to be in them all the time and make them really hard to put down.""It's not about being an adult or a child at two years of age being addicted to the media," she said. "I'd probably just say they're having a bit too much of it and we need to revert to a balance." She says while tablets, computers and mobile devices can be useful educational tools, some adults and children are overly relying on digital media.

"Some of the concerns can be with eyesight, fine motor skills and pencil grip and other skills such as posture, as children lean down to look at tablets," she said."The big issue though is the time it takes away from other play. It can displace other key skills. "If I'm engaging with digital media, playing games and reading digital books, it might mean that I'm not building with blocks or painting with real paints or running outside and playing." She says a combination of technology and tradition is the best approach for parents."These devices, tablets and mobile technologies have incredible benefits for parents and for children," she said. "For parents they can give you that five minutes of free time you just need. But for children they can also bring enormous educational benefits." Listening to my friend and psychologist, it was clear that technology has delivered us amazing gains with mobile devices, productivity apps and social media. But we also need to recognise that there’s a fine line between being a tech fan and having an unhealthy attachment to various devices. But how many people know if they are addicted to technology, especially mobile devices like my friend shared about his young brother? More than a decade ago, at the height of Blackberry devices, i learned that reaching for my mobile to check emails and messages first thing in the morning and getting out of bed was one of the most dangerous behaviours i had. I also used to check calls and messages while driving even though i knew it's illegal and dangerous but luckily i was never caught thanks to change of behaviour. That helped me avoid having my shoulder, arm, wrist, neck pain from long periods of being tensely hunched in the same position. I also stopped carrying my Blackberry with me to bed that eliminated insomnia from the inability to switch off from being connected. Despite being a reading addict and heavy user of computing devices for more than two decades, I have never used glasses since I’ve managed to escape dry, sore eyes caused by endless staring at screens. In addition headaches that affects many heavy users of computers, excessive sedentary behaviour, a leading cause of obesity hasn’t affected me thanks to exercising culture that I’ve inculcated since childhood.Over the years, I have worked hard to make i stay away from the device at least as many hours as i can per week. Mobile devices are great but they’re not the only thing in my life and thats why I use them a couple of times per month(s).Instead of smartphones or computers, I always prefer to read a book, a real paper one!, call me a dinosaur i don’t mind and exploring my music library. I always turn off devices well before bedtime and for more than a decade, I don’t ever put any devices on my bedside.As other people suffer with screen addition, technology be is friend, but I don’t let it be that poisonous partner who dictates my life. I can only hope that others can break the cycle of addiction like I’ve done for more than a decade.

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 30

I started my session by telling her a little bit about my week and how it really hadn’t been so bad. I explained that I hadn’t cried for no reason, but that I had cried twice one fighting with my husband and once in reference to one of my clients. I explained the situation with my little kid and she agreed that it was heartbreaking. She pointed out that the situation makes me feel helpless because I can’t help the kid feel safe and can’t guarantee his safety and how uncomfortable that helpless feeling is for me. I told her about my coworker drunk texting me and how poorly she was coping with it all. She asked me her age and if she’s a newer therapist, which she is although she’s older than me. I told her that things with my mom were fine and we hadn’t really talked. I told her about how things with my job we're pretty good in that most of my clients were doing well and how I had gotten a text from an old client explaining how well things were still going and how grateful they were to have had their time with me and she was like on isn't it so nice when that happens.

I told her the biggest issue this week has been the fighting between my husband and I. I told her about the things he had said, and asked if I was crazy for thinking it wasn’t ok for him to say those things. She laughed and asked what I thought she would say. I explained that I knew she would say it was an OK but that’s been a hard time with it because he makes it out to be my fault and that I caused him to be mad even though I know I can cause him to get mad but I don’t cause his actions because of it.i explained that his big issue with me is my tone of voice. I explained the situation the day before where he honked the horn at me and I jumped and got stressed out and then he held the mail away from me so I couldn’t get my mail from him and I used the tone of voice he doesn’t like to tell him to give it back. She said she wouldn’t have seen the issue with my tone, but if we were both her clients she would tell me to work in it because it’s clearly triggering him. She questioned if it triggers a tone of voice his mom or dad used or something but idk. She said if he was her client she would also call him on his bullshit and say how he’s acting like a five year old by doing the whole she made me mad crap. She pointed out that just like tone of voice is triggering for him, teasing is a trigger for em. She laughed and said I’m not the type of client she would think to pull a joke on because I’m sensitive and it makes me feel bad. She pointed out that that’s okay, and I started to tear up. She said she thinks we trigger each other, but that it’s a big huge excuse to bring everything back to the past with the ed. She pointed out that I’ve done my fifty percent in working on useless and he needs to do the same. I explained that it’s hard for me because he’s good at making it feel like it’s all my fault and that if I was different he would be different. I explained how he had said that out of the both of us, I am the only one who has hit him. I explained how when he exerts his power and hold me down against my well, yeah I will slap or pinch him, but it's not like I've ever punched him in the face or slapped him in the face or done anything to actually hurt him.

We ended up talking a bit about divorce and what would be my breaking point. I said I honestly didn’t have one. She asked if it turned physical and I said even then I wouldn’t. She asked what I’d say to a client and I explained I knew the right answer was that you don’t advocate someone stay in an unsafe environment but that i would steal deal with it. She asked what that’s about and I explained that it honestly has a lot to do with shame and feeling that it would feel like I failed and others would all know it’s my fault and judge me. She asked if I would stay if there was a kid and I said no because that wouldn’t be fair for the kid, so I guess that’s part of why we don’t have kids yet. She encouraged me to think about where those divorce ideas come from, and basically said that fifty percent of marriages don’t work out and no one goes into a marriage thinking they’ll get divorced but sometimes further down the line it happens and the more I work with older adults the more I’ll see how common and accepted it is in the older age range. She explained that she would've called his side of the fight verbal abuse and she had asked at what point do I say it's not OK for me to put up with that and where do I draw the line and say, you need to work on these issues and if not I'm not going to stay. I explained that at this point I really don’t want a divorce because I do really love him. When things are good they’re good. He’s still my best friend and when we connect I love being with him. I told her about my friend who wants a divorce but has a kid and asked what I’d do, and how I said I didn’t know because even though things are hard, I don’t want to not be married to him. I explained a lot of his childhood, and explained that I feel bad because I know he has extensive trauma and that my tone of voice for whatever reason is triggering. I asked how to work on the tone of voice and she said mindfulness. I laughed and said she would say mindfulness. She said I’m prob aware of how I feel before I use the tone, and I explained that it’s frustration. I explained how I had snapped when I thought he was talking to me about spending $160 on tickets to a game and she said she thinks it makes sense that within context I would have an irritated tone of voice when in irritated. I explained that it almost feels like I’m not allowed to feel mad about anything. She asked what I could do about the frustration and I said step out of the room or tell him I’m frustrated and not to talk to me for a bit.

She presented the idea that my husband is actually really anxious, which I commented and said regarding attachment issues. She pointed out how he freaks out when he thinks I’m taken or don’t come home or whatever. She thinks he’s anxious and afraid of losing me and the idea of waiting until there’s a vulnerable moment to present to him some compassion for how hard it is walking around with so much insecurity and feeling unloved and that there are ways like with EMDR that he won’t have to feel that way. Which makes sense because I do love him and want him to feel better. I told her about how there was another time she told me to do something and when I did it he asked if my therapist had told me to say it and Lynn laughed and pointed out how it’s hard to be your own therapist and apply everything you know to real life. She pointed out that she’s used the compassion strategy with her husband and it’s been somewhat helpful but only after his parents died. I said maybe his parents dying would be something he would get uncomfortable to the point of wanting to get help. That or kids it he’s fine putting off kids for a while. She asked me about how a kid would feel hearing our fights and how it would affect them and bla bla bla about why sometimes divorce is better than sticking it out with kids.

Weirdly enough, I realized that the roles have changed. I used to be the one freaking out and losing my mind and coping poorly in fights, and now he is. I couldn’t help but think of the concept of homeostasis. She pointed out that given his history, chaos may feel normal and me not reacting may make him more anxious because it feels like I don’t care or he’s losing me. I explained that it really bothered me that yesterday in our fight he started getting dressed and I knew he was trying to leave and that in the past I used to freak out and beg him to stay and try to work through it and in that moment I didn’t even get upset in my head, I just thought if he’s going to leave he’s going to leave. Thinking that way really scared me because I’ve never thought like that and I don’t want to be nonchalant about it but I also don’t want to have a breakdown and become self destructive to make him stay. She pointed out that if he wanted to leave he would have left long ago when I was sick and lying and manipulative. She said she could be way off base but thinks he’s afraid of losing me and maybe part of the anxiety is seeing that I’ve worked through so much stuff and have become so much more independent that I could leave. She explained that she has a friend who likes to say that she chooses to be with her husband, which helps her to feel like it’s a choice and she isn’t trapped or stuck. She said that resonated with her, but honestly it didn’t really with me. Maybe it’s because I grew up with such conservative values.

We talked about ways to engage him in therapy. I suggested maybe I’d be able to convince him to go to process me having been sick since he acknowledges that it was traumatic for him. She agreed and said that’s a great idea because a good therapist will recognize so many things that come from before me. We talked about couples therapy, and that a therapist might help him see the benefit in his own individual therapy. She suggested bringing up couples therapy to have someone objective help figure out the disconnect since we see things so differently. I said I might look into it.

She empathized and said she was sorry that I’m having such a hard time with this. She said marriage is hard, and she feels for my husband and hopes he’s able to get some help. I agreed.

We scheduled for next time, and I paid and explained my new insurance information. She said I may be able to use eap sessions and then my HRA which would be nice because I wouldn’t have to pay for therapy for like two and a half months.