#my mom grew up her whole life thinking she was ugly this will not have side effects on her daughter

[luxazz]

I have never felt uglier in my entire life

[sturnioloskyline]

smoke sesh

pairing: dealer!chris x fem!reader

warnings: use of marijuana, awkwardness, making out, not proofread

summary: you decide it’s finally time to smoke weed. you’re inexperienced, but maybe your dealer, chris, can guide you through it.

a nervous pit began to form in y/n's stomach as she paced around her bedroom. for the first time in a while, she was expecting a guest.

y/n's personal life was rough at the moment. she just moved out of her parents' house to live on her own, she was struggling to find what she wanted to do with her life, and, on top of it all, her love life was going terribly.

she tried it all — dating apps, clubs, frat parties, coffee shops — y/n couldn't seem to find love anywhere. her friends even tried to set her up, but all of her dates ended the same: y/n either had no interest in the men she was set up with or got horribly mistreated by them. all that y/n had been dreaming of recently was a hot guy who also happened to not be an asshole, but that seemed to be a rarity these days.

overall, y/n had been down in the dumps and was in desperate need of a pick-me-up. that was when she remembered her best friend recommending a soothing solution.

...

"seriously, it just makes you feel... better," y/f/n explained, sitting next to y/n on her bed.

"i don't know. it just makes me nervous, i guess, losing control." y/n said to her friend. "like i want to be in full control of my brain and my body at all times."

"you are in control. you're just less scared," y/f/n smiled at y/n. "y'know, i think you would really benefit from smoking weed."

y/n scoffed. she was an adult now, and she had never tried any substances before. she wasn't against recreational drugs, she just never had the urge to partake in them. "yeah right. as if you'd catch me casually with a blunt in hand."

y/f/n giggled at the image of her friend smoking. "yeah. but you would be a lot less stressed. if you ever change your mind, i have a dealer, just saying…"

y/n rolled her eyes. "yeah. I'll keep you posted."

...

and now here y/n was, in the middle of the night, chewing on her fingernails as she waited for a response from the man whose snapchat she'd gotten from her friend the other day.

y/n's phone pinged and she immediately brought the screen to her face to read the notification.

chris sturniolo

yeah i can be there soon

y/n's heart raced in anticipation. surprisingly, she was more excited than nervous. she'd been so tense, she was looking forward to anything that could take the edge off. y/n hearted the message and made her way to the kitchen so she could wait closer to the door.

y/n didn't really know what to expect for the interaction she was about to have. she assumed that it would just be like any other transaction: he'd show her the options, she'd pay him, and that would be that.

but as she waited, y/n grew more nervous about the purchase. she quickly pulled out her phone to google "what happens when you buy weed from a guy on snapchat", before she caught a glimpse of a certain notification.

chris sturniolo sent you a snap

y/n curiously clicked the notification, opening to a picture of chris in the driver's seat of his car, taken from his lap. he face hung over the camera but his blue eyes were focused on the road in front of him. his soft brown hair stuck out slightly under the grey beanie he was wearing, and a silver chain dangled from his neck.

y/n was left in awe. she didn't really know what she expected him to look like, but it was definitely not that. this guy looked good, the kind of look that made y/n's cheeks heat up from just one picture. y/n was only more anxious about the whole situation now that she knew a really cute guy was involved. before she even had time to process the whole thing, another notification pops up at the top of her screen.

chris sturniolo is typing...

y/n hesitated for a second before opening her chats with chris. he had only sent one word.

chris sturniolo

here

y/n silently cursed herself for her impulsiveness in inviting chris over. she was way too eager, and now everything was becoming way too real. soon enough y/n could hear footsteps outside her door, and three rapid knocks echoed in her ears. she apprehensively made her way to the door, opening it to reveal chris standing there with a backpack slung over one shoulder.

"hey."

"hi," y/n replied awkwardly, cracking her door farther open. chris took this as an invitation to step inside, and he walked in and glanced around the area.

"nice place." chris mumbled, making his way over to y/n's kitchen without any instruction. y/n just watched him as she locked her front door, unsure of what to do. chris took off his backpack and set it on the counter, beginning to take out various plastic baggies and laying them out.

"so... how does this work?" y/n asked, slowly approaching chris in the kitchen as she watched him move.

"um, what do you mean?" chris's eyebrows furrowed, but he kept his attention on the task at hand. y/n remained silent, unsure of how to answer. chris stopped and looked up at her. "have you ever bought weed before?"

"no..." y/n replied meekly, slightly embarrassed. chris chuckled and shook his head.

"well... do you know what you want?" chris asked. he tilted his head at y/n as she approached the counter, letting her take a look at the different strains, labeled by sharpie on the baggies.

“what’s the best one, for um, beginners?” y/n squeaked out, nervous under chris’s gaze.

chris walked up behind y/n, and placed his hands on the counter on either side of her waist. y/n breath hitched in her throat as she felt chris's abdomen press lightly against her back. he looked over y/n's shoulder at the bags on the counter sighing.

"i mean, personally, i don't think the strain matters," chris explained casually picking up a bag and examining the bud inside. "but i guess since you haven't tried anything before, you could try a hybrid first."

y/n nodded absentmindedly, not really focusing on what chris was saying. she was more focused on how his bicep slightly flexed as he flipped the bag of weed around in his hand, and the faint smell of cologne that wafted past her nose as she moved. her eyes drifted to his fingers, fiddling with the bag's seal. chris noticed, a small smile forming on his face.

"wanna try it right now?" chris asked, snapping y/n out of her trance.

"what? oh! um, yeah," y/n mumbled, stepping away from chris to face him. "uh, how much?"

chris chuckled and shook his head. "it's okay. on the house."

"oh no, you don't have to-"

"it's your first time, enjoy it." chris interrupted, setting the bag down on the counter and reaching into his bag for supplies.

y/n watched silently, butterflies swarming in her stomach. she had never felt this way about a guy before, let alone a guy she had just met who also happened to be dealing her drugs. it was something about the way chris's black tank top hugged his torso and the way his jeans hung low around his hips, revealing the waistline of his boxers. chris had undeniable sexual appeal, and y/n just couldn't help herself from feeling flustered around him.

chris pulled a grinder, rolling papers, filters and an ashtray out of his backpack. y/n finally ripped her eyes away from chris to focus on what he was doing. he took a bit of the weed and ground it down, turning his head quickly to glance back at y/n. he caught her watching him and flashed her a grin before focusing again. y/n blushed profusely.

a few minutes of comfortable silence passed as chris tightly rolled two joints, gliding his tongue along the wrapping paper to seal them. y/n was mesmerized, both by the meticulous process and the fact that chris was the one doing it. chris set down the joints and backed up from the counter.

"have you ever smoked anything before?" chris asked curiously, watching y/n's face. he could sense that she was nervous, from the way she was fidgeting to the way her voice was barely audible with every response she gave. y/n bit her cheek as she looked into chris's eyes, shaking her nead slowly. "do you want me to.. smoke with you?"

"would you?" y/n seemed to have a weight lifted off of her shoulders as soon as chris asked. the reaction made chris smile.

"yeah, of course," chris chuckled, sticking his hand in his jeans pocket and fishing out an orange lighter. "you're gonna want a water bottle or something."

y/n nodded, walking around to the fridge, grabbing two water bottles. she walked back over to chris's side, handing him a water bottle. chris flipped it in his hand effortlessly, thanking her soflty and picking up the ashtray, joints, and lighter in his other hand.

"is there a window we could sit by? don't wanna leave your place smelling too bad." chris looked around for a place to sit.

"yeah, here," y/n replied, turning around and leading chris to her living room. where she sat on a small couch just below a window. chris sat down next to her leaning over to the wall and helping her push the window open. they sat back down on the couch and faced each other as chris set down an ashtray on the coffee table in front of them. y/n took a deep breath as chris took a joint in his left hand, holding it between his thumb and pointer as he held his lighter in his other hand.

"okay. so," chris began explaining, looking at y/n's face as he did. y/n's eyes flicked up to meet his, and the two maintained eye contact as chris talked through the process. "i'll take puff first, i guess, to show you how."

y/n nodded, watching as chris brought the joint in front of his face and light it, bringing it down the tray and tapping it before bringing it between his pink lips. his cheeks hollowed as he took a long inhale. he took the joint out fo his mouth and passed it to y/n, who shakily took it in between her fingertips. chris's eyebrows furrowed from the slight sting of the smoke he was holding in his lung, watching y/n's hands to make sure that the joint stayed lit. he tilted his head to the window to release the smoke from his mouth, blowing it out into the night air. y/n watched the whole thing, only growing more anxious.

"so you just wanna inhale with it in your mouth, lightly," chris spoke, nodding to give y/n the go-ahead. y/n brought the joint up to her lips, her hand trembling. she stuck the joint in her mouth and tightly wrapped her lips around it.

"like this?" y/n mumbled around the joint. chris chuckled and brought his own hand to y/n's wrist.

"here, relax," chris moved y/n's hand away from her face a bit. "open your mouth more. just rest it there, gentle."

chris's voice was quiet as he readjusted y/n's form. she watched him as his face leaned in closer to her own. "better. now inhale."

y/n inhaled softly, feeling the smoke travel through her body, her throat scratching a bit.

"once it kinda burns, stop and hold it in your lungs." y/n brought the joint down, handing it to chris and holding her breath. her face scrunched up as she felt a burning sensation in her chest begin to grow. out of reflex, she quickly turned to the window and coughed out smoke. chris's hand flew out to her back for support. "woah! you okay?"

"yeah, just—" y/n cut herself off by coughing. chris kept his hand on the small of y/n back as she coughed. he set the joint down in the tray and reached over to grab a water bottle from the table, unscrewing it and bringing it up to y/n's lips, she reached out and took the bottle, taking a sip to sooth the fire in her lungs.

"it's okay, deep breaths, you'll be okay." chris murmured affirmations as y/n worked through her cough attack. eventually, y/n calmed down and brought her hand up to wipe the few tears that pricked at the corner of her eyes.

"i'm sorry, i think i inhaled too long," y/n chuckled awkwardly, embarrassed at herself for coughing like that in front of chris. it was then that y/n became hyperaware of chris's hand on her back, causing her to blush.

"it's okay, it happens to everyone," chris grinned at y/n, finding her shyness endearing. "we'll take it slow. you feelin' anything yet?"

"nope," y/n smiled awkwardly, watching as chris effortlessly took another hit. chris handed the joint back to her, and she took a short puff, blowing the smoke out the window with a few coughs.

"better!" chris grinned, causing y/n to giggle.

"thanks," y/n mumbled, taking another sip of water. chris tapped the joint against the ashtray and bringing it to his mouth. "so, when did you start smoking?"

chris chuckled at the icebreaker, smoke spewing out of his mouth. the two of them fell into small talk as they shared the joint, growing more and more comfortable with each other as they lazily passed the weed back and forth. suddenly y/n felt a wave wash over her, and her sensed heightened. her body stiffened, and chris noticed, his eyes flicking over her face.

"you okay?" chris asked for a second time, lightly reaching out and grazing his fingertips against y/n's arm.

"yeah..." y/n spoke lowly, her eyes landing on chris's. something about chris seemed different now. his features were more prominent and detailed, and she was definetly even more drawn to him. without thinking, she reached out and touched chris's silver chain, fiddling with it in her fingers, the sensation feeling unique. "chris?"

"yeah?" chris's voice was just above a whisper, his eyes not leaving y/n's face. something about the way her delicate hands pulled at his necklace made his breath hitch. he found himself craving her touch, but pushed the thought away, blaming it on the marijuana in his system.

"i think it's hitting me." y/n looked back up at chris, her eyes flicking between his. chris swallowed.

"how's it feel?"

"feels like... i'm in a dream," y/n spoke absentmindedly, not breaking eye contact with chris. chris smiled and nodded at her explanation. y/n couldn't help but smile back. "you're really sweet, chris."

"is that suprising?" chris asked, a heat slowly rising to his cheek at the compliment.

"yeah, kinda," y/n whispered. chris's eyes flicked to y/n's lips as she spoke, and before he could stop himself, chris was asking y/n a question.

"can i kiss you?"

y/n's jaw fell slightly open at the question, completely taken off guard. chris's own eyes widened, and he quickly pulled himself away from y/n, his face quickly reddening. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that out loud, i mean, i want to, i mean—!"

with a sudden boost of confidence, y/n leaned closer to chris and looked up at chris through her eyelashes, leaving chris too flustered to keep defending himself. "please kiss me."

chris needed no further encouragement, his hands finding y/n's face and pulling her up to meet him. his eyes quickly flicked to y/n's before he leaned in and pressed his lips to y/n's. his lips were surprisingly soft, moving slowly against y/n's. chris's tongue slipped past his lips, and y/n opened her mouth, allowing him in. y/n's hands moved to chris's neck, one of her hands travelling under his beanie to grip at his hair.

chris kept one of his hands on y/n's cheek, letting the other one fall down to hold her waist. he spread his legs apart, pulling y/n towards him. y/n broke the kiss to yelp in surprise, sending the both of them into a giggling fit. warmth spread throughout y/n's body as she watched the way chris's eyes crinkled as he laughed, flashing his teeth. the image only made her smile more. y/n leaned into chris, tucking her face into the crook of his neck. chris wrapped his arms around y/n's frame without a second thought.

it was all too natural, the way chris leaned back into the couch with y/n in his arms, holding her softly. y/n hummed in content, her eyelids suddenly struggling to stay open as chris sighed underneath her.

"thanks chris," y/n mumbled lazily, letting her eyelids flutter shut as she sunk deeper into the warmth of his body.

chris hummed back, peering at the girl on his chest. he was shocked he had ended up in this position, but lord, he was not complaining. chris smiled to himself before letting his own red eyes fall shut. the drugs in chris and y/n's systems lulled them both to sleep, and they stayed like that for the rest of the night.

...

author's note: wow that felt LONG. i need to smoke after that one. let me know if u want a (potentially smutty)part 2. 😚 love u bye!

[xyurishux]

CHAPTER 1 - AS A WHOLE, TOGETHER

Word Count: ~1.7k

Tags: GN!reader, Mentions of family disputes

Summary: You begin to tell Sebastian how deep UrbanShades rabbit hole truly goes, starting with yourself.

Pardon any writing errors, they may happen!

“ oh sweetie, you’re not ugly, society is,”

“So,

When I was younger, life was as normal as can be. I was in mediocre family, it was me, my mom and my dad. I’d only see my mom in the morning, and when I was back from school my dad would be home for dinner. It wasn’t until way later I learned about his job, but that isn’t relevant right now. My dad was a mystery to me, he’s my dad but I didn’t know much to anything about him. I saw him everyday when I got home but it’s was for such a small period of time, did it even count?

Life was so mundane and repetitive. Go to school, pass tests, summer break then restart it all over again. Life was boring but it wasn’t difficult.

I would do anything to be back there…” You paused looking out into the ocean, it was dark you could mistake it for the above, only simply at night. You breathe out from your nose continuing on with your story.

 “Anyways, it was back in September of 2009 when my father got a promotion. Seeing his face 4 to 5 hours per day dwindled down to seeing him once every two weeks or so, usually on Sundays. He became an enigma.

“You see, something I couldn’t see at the time was that as I grew older, his need to be in my life lowered, and sadly, that same fate fell too with my mother by default.

His job already took a toll on their relationship. Only spending 4 to 5 hours with your partner every day over the span of five years isn’t so great.

My mother would see him as much as I did and now, he just wasn’t there. The signs of a falling relationship presented themselves beforehand, but now it was obvious to anyone that the only thing keeping them together was me. At least, for my mom that was the case.

“The house was more silent than it ever was empty…”

You looked to the side with your eyes to see Sebastians full attention on you, perhaps it was the story? Or maybe he didn’t have anything better to do or it might have been the way your voice spoke with full sincerity and no sarcasm. It was like someone else took control but it was undoubtedly you and he was fully enthralled.

Your eyes met and you looked back down at the cold tile as you carried on.

“Ether way, it was in November of that same year where things would shift. My mom would realize the steady money flowing in and at growing amounts. Now you have to understand that my mother isn’t of the suspicious type nor is she a person who comes up with wild conclusions. She was (and still is, I hope) a reasonable and sensible woman. She knew that this wasn’t a simple ‘promotion’, but to know where all this money came from, well…she didn’t have the slightest clue. She didn’t know and she would never know. Well, truly know…

“The first snow started to fall as December began and Winter break freed me from my studying. Shockingly, dad came home for the holidays and New Years. Funny anecdote, I remember getting my first iPhone as a gift from him that year. It was an iPhone 3GS, God the memories…my mother was not pleased in slightest.” You laughed silent tilting your head to the side as your reminisced, it was good and loyal phone…

 “Continuing on, after Christmas as a family and with the family the next day, my parents had the only disagreement I’ve ever witnessed (only a disagreement, it wasn’t enough to count as a fight).

I think it was about 2 am and the only light that was on was the one above the kitchen table. My dad was sitting facing my mother who standing up, the last of the family who came over for the party had finally left. Chip bowls and wine glasses were still scattered on the coffee table, only barely visible by the outside Christmas lights. I watched as my mom tapped her nails against the wooden chair she was partly leaning on as she took a deep breath. I could tell she was tired, exhausted even but I could also tell she had something bugging her and she needed to let it out. I watched them from the darkness that the staircase provided, I was undetectable. I listened to them talk, leaning my upper body to the wooden railing trying not to miss a single word. I don’t remember much; it was about the money at first but it was nothing compared to what my mother said next.”

“Samantha, look- “

“I’m breaking up with you”

“My mother broke up with my father. I sat upon the steps dumbfounded, I didn’t expect that from their conversation but even then, I didn’t know what to expect. The last of the conversation consisted of my father staying silent and staring at the table as my mom talked important matters to him. She told him that she would stay for the New Years and then move in with a friend in an apartment she found. After that she finished the glass of wine my dad poured for her at the start and left the kitchen when he didn’t have anything to add.

I’m pretty sure that night was the only time I saw my dad cry. He was still in love with her, never ever once thinking of ending their relationship. Never ever once thinking of loving another woman.

 Most children would walk down the stairs they sat on and go comfort their weeping father or at least ask if he was okay. But our relationship was so estranged to the point where I felt no reason to go down and comfort him. He simply was just my father, nothing else nothing more.

I watched him cry silently with his head in his hand as I sat on the steps with my legs close to my chest. I sat there for a few more minutes. I don’t know why I sat there watching for so long. Maybe I was intrigued with the sight, it was something new. A man I’ve know all my life was a mystery to me and now the last sight I might ever see of him is him crying his heart out. But soon enough I got tired, I walked back up to my bedroom and fell asleep to noise of the on going shower my mom was taking downstairs.

The next morning felt cold and unbalanced. The floor was cold to the touch and it was actually closer to noon then morning. The hall was silent as I walked down it and saw at the end of it that my mom was packing a suitcase and a large duffle bag. They were both placed on the bed with an equal amount of folded and unfolded clothes thrown around the two. It was enough to be unable to see the white and blue floral comforter underneath (or I remember it to be enough). I walked into the room and as if I didn’t witness the scene at the kitchen table last night I asked, “Are we going somewhere?”

She was so concentrated with her packing that she jumped startled when she heard my voice. With her hand over her heart, she turned to me with a forced smile (I knew that it was) and spoke words that I will never forget.”

“What were they?” Sebastian asked quietly, his full upper body now laying against the desk where you two sorted files on together almost an hour ago.

You smiled, “Well,

“Sweetheart! You scared me there,” She said, her smile faltering, “No, mommy is going somewhere, alone, but not forever. You’ll have to stay with dad for awhile.” She turned her head away as she folded a few pants and placed them into her suitcase. Then she squatted, and I had to look down to see her face. Her eyes were bloodshot and her lashes wet. I felt her hands on my upper arms as she continued to talk, “Mommy, mommy needs to go find herself for a bit, okay? Not for long but mommy needs this…I love you, eternally and always”

She left the same day with kiss on the forehead, her phone number seared into my mind and a “Be good while I’m gone, I’m a single phone call away”

And then I was there, at my door step, cold and watching as my mom entered her friend’s car with one last kiss blown to me. I caught it and placed it onto my cheek as she drove off. Now it was me and my estranged father and a lot of complex emotions I didn’t know how to decipher or begin to understand at the age of ten.”

You finished, pausing to take a breath for a second while also stretching your aching muscles.

“And then what? What does this have to do with us? With me?” Sebastian asked harshly as he raised himself from the desk.

“Give me a second, I need water and a snack, I’m a bit peckish,” you joked, smirking to him, before continuing, “Ether way, we’re barely getting into the meat of the story. I was just explaining how I got stuck with my father. Now will be getting into what he was doing

behind closed doors…”

And we start rolling, ~

@splatting-stampede

[www-findringo-com]

From Afar

Yuno Grinberryall x Fem!reader

I'm unsure if i should have a specific banner for my series or my stories in general or if i should change it each time, tell me what you think!

cw - unchecked

Plot: Y/N Hanabi is a commoner who has always hated her fireworks magic even though the townsfolk have always praised her. As she grew up, a woman in her life changed her view completely, making her appreciate and slowly understand her "silly" magic.

Even if she started using her magic more, she had no interest in joining the magic knights, and yet during the elves' reincarnation, she helped save the people of the Clover Kingdom. This resulted in the Sorcery King noticing her and convincing her to join the knights, which, after many rejections, she. In the end. Took on the request and participated in the entrance exam a year after getting her grimoire. Once she joined the Blue Rose Knights, something or more like someone was going to completely change ,what once was, her daily routine.

Previous

Ever since I got my grimoire, it's almost as if life at the hostel got busier. I wouldn't exactly be mad about it because it means we're getting more and more clients, but it also means I have to use my magic all the time! But on the bright side, Serene always visited us and helped out a lot. She was the self-proclaimed Paladin of Justice for us commoners. Soon, she became known in my town, and people always asked me when she was going to be back. What a pain... But deep inside, it made me happy to know people liked my friend

"Y/N, darling, could you please go serve out the dishes?" My mom shouted from across the hall. It did sound like a question but if I even dared to refuse I would have been in trouble. I ran to the kitchen since the guest had been waiting for about twenty minutes. As soon as I opened the kitchen door a nervy comment hit my face: "Look who finally decided to stop sitting on their ass and help out!" My cousin spoke. He was the most annoying guy in the whole universe. And, if we weren't family, I would have already beat him up.

"Yeah yeah I'm here. Now give me those dishes before the guests get mad" I commented back and he gave me a snarky smile before handing me about four plates to bring out.

That afternoon I was sweeping the lobby when a shadow towered over my figure. Right after some water was splashed on the floor I had been cleaning for the past hour. "Whoops~" I turned around to be met by a woman, dressed in noble clothes and with the wrinkliest face I had ever seen. On her ugly wrinkly face sat a smirk as she fake apologized for 'accidentally', spilling her water magic on the floor. I was about to lash out on her due to my terrible customer service. But I was soon stopped by an angry voice at the entrance. "Excuse me, Miss. But who do you think you are?" We both turned around stunned, and I was met by none other than Serene. Paladin of justice for us commoners, I guess. The breath of the noble lady hitched, and she fought back: "And who might you be? Let me guess, a lowly peasant. '' She chuckled and looked at Serene funny. "And what if I am? What does that mean to you? That you're a high-level person but lowly scum in the eyes of righteousness? In a world where you can be better than most and be seen as a beautiful person, you chose to be part of the mass and just follow like a wet dog the orders of someone else? People like you are bland, stale, and boring. You're the reason why this kingdom is fucked up" The lady was left shook and speechless. After a bit she grunted and stormed off, letting Serene a clear path to me.

"How's it going, Y/N? D'ya miss me?" She chuckled and extended her arms as if she expected a hug. I laughed lightly and hugged her : "I really really missed you!" We talked for a bit before my father came up to me. "Oh, Y/N, didn't know you had friends coming over!" He greeted Serene. She shook his hand. They chatted for a few minutes but then he spoke to me: "Y/N why don't you go hang out with your friend for a while? we're not having any rushes right now, so feel free to go!" I thanked him before putting away my uniform and quickly reaching Serene. She put out her hand and as soon as I held it, she ran out the door and we started running through town! "Serene slow down. I'm gonna fall!" I shouted at her, to which she just laughed and brought me closer to her.

"Jump," She whispered to me, and I did. Immediately under us formed a sort of cotton cloud, which she used to make us move even faster. "Where are we going?" I asked as the wind hit my face, making me blink. "To the capital silly." She spoke softly as we flew up into the air, and I took in the look of a huge fortified city with a castle slightly taller than the rest of the city. I was in awe at the sight. It wasn't as picturesque as the one from the grimoire acceptance ceremony, but it was still beautiful. I could tell it was a very busy and packed city, even people in brooms were flying to it! Once we landed, I noticed that the city was even more packed and busy than I expected. People were coming from all over, well, mostly kids our age. Serene brought me to a food stand, and she had me try a fried salamander on a stick. The salamander was crunchy and oddly sweet, and then she made me try roaster purple viper, and it was very dry and stale. I hated it!

After an hour or more of going around, I stopped when a huge tree towered over an arena at the center of the city. Serene took a step back before emitting a shocked sound and putting her hand over her mouth. "Oops- I almost forgot why we're here." And at that point, I looked at her in confusion. Once again, she took my arm, and before running, she whispered and winked to me. "Don't worry, you just gotta be quiet," She ordered as she put a finger over her mouth. Right after we started running and she brought me to an entrance at the back of the arena I noticed a few minutes ago. We walked in, and inside were all the kids our age I had seen a few hours prior. "Serene, what is this?" I questioned her as i followed her steps through the round corridor. "This is the Magic Knights entrance exam!" I let out a confused sound before starting to get nervous. "Can we actually be here? Isn't it supposed to be closed off to the public? What if someone catches us? What if not just someone but a Magic Knight Captain?" I was sweating, not because it was July, but because I was scared. Serene was very Nonchalant about it, as if sneaking to the exam was normal to her. "Oh, don't worry, it's going to be fine!" She stopped and brought her arms on top of the stone fencing, which ensured people from not falling off, and on one hand, she rested her chin. Without thinking, I got right next to her and started watching the exam, and then a light clicked in my head. "Serene, look!" I pointed upwards since they were flying around on brooms. "That's the four leaf guy we met at the acceptance ceremony." She faced towards where i was pointing and chuckled. "Didn't know people could be so good at flying on their first time! He must be a very irritating prick. " I giggled with her. Even though of the annoying personality he showed at the ceremony, i just couldn't help but find something about him... Cool? As if he was acting cool just for me to look at him... Oh god what the fuck that is very desperate of me. Wow.

Serene and I kept chatting and having fun when, how I predicted, someone caught us. "Excuse me." We both worriedly turned around to face the stern and serious voice, only to be met by a golden mask with pom poms at the back. On further inspection, the guy was wearing a cape, and on it was the Golden Dawn's logo. For context the Golden Dawn is like the strongest Magic Knight company in the whole kingdom, being composed mostly of high-level nobles with lots of mana and an extremely overpowered captain. Wait a second... THAT WAS THE CAPTAIN WILLIAM VANGEANCE! I could feel my face go pale, and my legs shivered at the thought of being scolded and insulted by a high-lever knight... Before I could try to explain myself, the captain spoke.

"Your Gracefulness Princess Temima, What are you doing here?”

Huh... Princess... What?

Wait, why is he looking deep in Serene's eyes?

…

IS SERENE A PRINCESS???

I stood there shaking when Serene spoke up. "Who the hell is this Princess Temima cause I have never heard a name so stupid. Are you pranking us, you... Masked buffoon? Either way, now if you don't keep bothering us, my friend and I will go away. Please and thank you." She spoke sternly, almost pissed at him. Then she took my hand and we ran out of there as soon as possible. Once we were out, we were out of breath, and before I could ask anything to Serene, she spoke. "I think It's time I bring you home." Oh yeah, she was mad. I think that Captain really irked something in her. Without objection, I let her bring me home, and ever since then, I didn't see her again.

Timeskip few months

That evening, I was grocery shopping with my mom. Lately, I have been a little more upset than usual, so my family tried to get me out as much as possible. "Y/N dear, could you please go pick these things?" She handed me a small piece of paper, and I went on my merry way. Shopping was boring, I saw these people almost every day, and I did the same things every week. I just couldn't take it anymore. My life had become boring, plain, and stale like a piece of dry bread. I was mad at Serene for not showing up again. Not only that, but the fact she disappeared after someone high-ranked called her princess, which made her even more suspicious. If she really was a princess, why would she need to hide it? She's so lucky to be blessed with nobility and so cool to be royal yet help out commoners and peasants. Also, didn't that Vangeance guy call her Temima? Yet I've always known her as Serene, and I was supposedly her best friend! Ugh, she's so weird and difficult. It took me some time to finish getting the groceries before trying to find my mom. It was getting dark and kind of cold when suddenly the whole market heard something break and people screaming. I started coughing, and when I turned around, there was smoke coming from around the corner. The fire started spreading, and people started running. That's when I noticed that they weren't running away from the fire yet from something... Who could be attacking a common town? Without a second thought, I brought out my grimoire. "Firework Magic: Crossettes of Purity!"

I shouted, and from my hands, I shot 2 fireworks which ended in a cross, hence the name crossette, and the two fireworks collided and landed on whatever was attacking us, leaving it stunned. I then shot fire under my feet to launch me near the spot of the stunned foe. Once I landed, and the smoke went away, I was met with the disgusting and maggot filled rotting body of my old neighbor, an ex magic knight. Before I could do anything, the guy got back up again, and as I took in the look of the decaying corpse, something behind peaked my attention. I moved my eyes slightly only to be met by an army of un-dead people and lots of fire around us.

"What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On!”

And this was the second chapter!!! Sadly, I didn't have much inspiration for this, and maybe even for the next pair of chapters, they might be very, very boring, so please be patient with me! I tried to prep some angst between MC and Serene. i wonder if it'll be good! Let me know what you think and leave suggestions or even writing requests if you enjoy my style! see you next week with the next From Afar chapter!!!

-Ringo

[donnerpartyofone]

I saw this post a few weeks ago that was like a chart from a psychology text that described how different sorts of childhood trauma can produce different dysfunctions, one of which was (I *think*) Emotional Neglect -> Magical Thinking. I was so intrigued by that. Magical thinking is sort of an umbrella term for the belief in a causal relationship between two unrelated factors; it can include wishing on a birthday cake candle; the feeling that The Universe is telling you to call your ex because something reminded you of them; OCD-type rituals that you believe will ward off misfortune; the deeper meanings mis-assigned to mundane events that can be produced by schizo-affective disorders; and also religious convictions to some degree, although those are rarely considered a clinical problem as with anything that helps or doesn't seem to hurt the participants. There seem to be as many potential causes of magical thinking as there are forms of the thought pattern itself, and trauma is an interesting one.

It might be better to think of "trauma" as "helplessness" here. Magical thinking can help impose a feeling of organization where there is chaos and loss of any sense of significance. There was a lot of magical thinking going around in the gritty, depressed town where I'm from, and I often thought it was because of the persistent economic pressure. It's relatively normal for kids to be susceptible to spooky ideas, but many of the adults were also full of ghost stories and superstitions. I have one very sensible friend who is smarter than I am, who grew up there too, and we often reflect on this, which helps me know that this isn't strictly an idea I have due to my own social choices. My friend doesn't live in that town anymore either, but she's always digging up interesting stuff related to it, and one day she showed me the website of someone there offering his services as a paranormal investigator. He was in his 20s, and the site included a lot of unconvincing photos and a long, vigorous testimonial by the guy's mom. Part of me was dying to put it on tumblr, but it would only have resulted in unnecessary cruelty. I was as much a victim of magical thinking as anybody, and I think even when I was pretty young I was aware of what motivated me to be so naive and gullible: that a world full of ghosts and vampires and UFOs and such was preferable to what I normally experienced, which was a consistent sense of boredom and meaninglessness and drudgery and embarrassment and pain and suffocation in an ugly, flavorless universe whose nicer side was not going to be available to me. I had a lot of really damaging friendships with manipulative assholes and pathological liars because I was so very willing to believe the crazy things they told me, just in case any of them were true, because such a truth could change my whole life.

Sometimes I think it's amazing that I never wound up in a cult, although I guess those relationships were sort of like little one- or two-person cults. Once in a while I read about some crime involving young people who think they're vampires or something, and I have a deep feeling of pity, because I think I know what they were going through (except for the part where they think they can do whatever they want to other people). The sad story of Shanda Sharer involves a whole group of badly abused and underprivileged teens, some of whom thought they were witches or vampires, and it just makes so much sense to me that they would be overtaken by these fantasies of secret meaning and power. Recently I watched Bad Vegan on Netflix, something that I avoided at first because I thought it was just about rich douchebags humiliating each other--which is like, what else is new--and to some degree it is, but actually it's way more disturbing than that. Ambitious young raw food entrepreneur Sarma Melngailis was manipulated, isolated, and ultimately kidnapped by this sadistic freak who preyed first on her loneliness and financial fears by pretending to be a rich suitor who could solve all of her problems; then he preyed upon her feelings of personal insignificance and failure by convincing her that he and she had been selected by a cabal of extraterrestrial illuminati who would make them immortal. Sarma seemed completely broken down to me, and I was amazed by her courage in describing the scam she fell for, that she must have known would invite derision. Part of the documentary explores her youth as a kid who always believed she could become something special, and then mundane tragedies like her parents' divorce brought her back down to earth in a painful way, and it seemed like she spent the rest of her life haunted by the idea that she might just be an ordinary failure of a person. I think that's part of what made her so vulnerable to this psychopath, that he was able to access her secret dream of having a special destiny. I got one of my friends to watch the show and she was very frustrated by it because she just couldn't figure out what Sarma's problem was that would cause her to ever believe the things she was told. I tried to reiterate what I've said here, but it didn't seem to mean anything. Ironically this friend is a practicing witch with formal beliefs in the supernatural, including that people can awaken special powers within themselves, but I guess one man's magical thinking is just um not another man's magical thinking.

I still have a lot of magical thinking going, but it doesn't have the same character it once did. I tend to think of it more as "symbolic thinking"; I have a hard time accessing senses of meaning and hope, let alone any kind of self-belief, and sometimes symbolic gestures and concepts can provide that access better than my own direct, practical attempts ever could. It helps that I have a basic agnosticism about the invisible structures of the world, like it's easy for me to believe that there is more to life than what comes in through the five senses, even if I don't pretend to know entirely what that "more" is. That may help me believe that "anything is possible" and I shouldn't give up, even if I direly want to and I know I'm being kind of irrational. Magical thinking can be a double-edged sword, but maybe it's better than nothing.

[cinmngirlnfr]

Juan Borgia Arranged Marriage Headcanons

Note: I'm trying to make this as close to the show as possible (Juan being an asshole) I in fact can't fix him. Shout out to the Phantom of the Opera. Also, I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, english is not my first lenguage.

Summary: It is 1493, Rome. After a long friendship with Lucrezia Borgia, where you spent most of your childhood at her house, so much, so that Venozza and the Holy Father himself started seeing you as their child. When The Pope was looking for a spouse for his second son, naturally, you were the first to cross his mind. Your parents of course showed no opposition. It seemed perfect, The only problem? You and Juan Borgia had hated each other since you first met all those years ago

Warning: Allusions to sex, Allusions to sexual violence, violence.

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ENGAGED

When your parents told you about the arrangement, you wanted to puke. Juan Borgia was the last man on earth you would like to marry, and even if he was the last man on earth, you were not sure if you would take him.

Lucrezia was delighted, finally, she would have you as her sister. At least you would get something good out of this.

When Juan first heard of this, he was enraged, he wanted to marry a princess! Someone up to his level, not his sister's annoying best friend.

It was very weird at first, you had always seen each other as brother and sister, you grew up together, and grew irritated and annoyed by everything the other did.

Venozza would be basically the only one planning the wedding, although she asked for your and Juan's opinions, both of you would just say yes to anything with hopes of the whole ordeal being over.

I think the only thing Juan would be interested in picking, is the entertainment, like he did at Lucrezia's wedding.

Juan didn't think you were ugly, but the image of spending the rest of his life with you would make him want to drown himself.

I imagine the Pope hosting many events to present you guys as a couple, but also, he had an agenda of making the two of you like each other.

In these gatherings, you were very polite to the guests, and both your parents and Juan had instructed you to act in love. Juan already had a reputation in Rome, and the way the Pope to such the rumors, was by creating a love story where his son was in the center.

Your fake smiles to your betrothed were clear. The problem lay when Juan had too many glasses of wine and started to hug you by the neck and kiss your cheeks, screaming in a mocking tone "OH MY SWEET WIFE TO BE!" You were beyond annoyed.

WEDDING DAY

Juan gets very drunk.

He will flirt with the actresses he hired.

You would probably be sitting annoyed on a table, sipping wine and eating bread, contemplating your future with the man who is currently drunkenly singing on top of a table.

The first dance was awkward as fuck.

Although Juan is not able to deny how beautiful you look in that wedding dress, and how good you would look without it.

Is he actually getting impatient for the wedding night?

However, he keeps drinking. It's a celebration! There is not such a thing as "Too much wine."

WEDDING NIGHT

You were young, and this was the Renaissance, there wasn't much sex ED.

You actually were not sure what to expect, your mom had told you that intimacy was painful, and the nuns had told you that it was only meant for procreation and to serve your husband.

You had been told that you could never say NO to your husband in any context, but especially not on this.

So naturally, you were confused but relieved when Juan Borgia was too drunk to even stand on his two feet, let alone consummate a marriage.

You tried to guide him to the bed, but he was much bigger than you.

He fell on the bed dragging you with him, leaving you trapped between his semi-unconscious body and the mattress.

"Look at my pretty wife..." He mumbled, and you rolled your eyes.

Somehow you managed to get him on his back and release yourself.

"Good night, Borgia" you sighed once you finally were able to get comfortable.

You thought he was done bothering you for the night.

Boy, you were wrong.

Hours later, the sun was starting to rise, and you woke up, by a slightly less drunken Juan Borgia on top of you, kissing your neck.

The sensation was strange... Not bad, almost ticklish. It made you want to giggle, GIGGLE! FOR JUAN BORGIA!

"What are you doing?" you ask confused.

"Finishing the task we had last night..."

And so he did... Let's just say, intimacy was way better than your mom and the nuns had described it.

MARRIED LIFE

Every hour he had, every second he spared, was to either think about doing you or actually doing you.

God! You were so annoying, acting all bratty, and making his life impossible.

He still couldn't keep your naked body, or your soft whimpers out of his mind.

At first, it was pure lust, it really was.

You both kept the same dynamic of annoying each other, yet there was a new element, sex.

When intimate life is that good, when the bed chemistry is so powerful when all the lust is only fueled by hatred, and of course, being no condoms at the time, it wasn't a surprise that you got pregnant very fast.

Yes, Juan pretended he didn't care for you.

Seeing you pregnant with his child tho... That fucked with his brain chemistry a bit.

Why did he suddenly want to hold you? He felt disgusted with himself.

Before this, all the sinful thoughts he had about you were fulled by the need to ruin you, to corrupt you, almost to make you submit to him since he knew that in any other way, even if it was hard for him to admit, you could easily outsmart him.

But now... He wanted to protect you, to make sure you never suffered again.

He realized he was down bad when you asked him to join you in a walk around the town.

He didn't want, for you to expose yourself like that, but he would have never admitted to you that he cared for your well-being.

He followed you closely, while you gracefully walked around the plaza rubbing your belly.

And it all went downhill, when a man, a peasant, walked your way and tried to touch your belly without your consent.

You politely tried to get away, but the man kept harassing you.

The next thing you saw was your husband beating the man to death, while he yelled things about, how dared a peasant even look at a noblewoman.

I mean, he was the head of the papal army, no one blinked an eye.

He then realized he would kill for you, he had done it, and he would do it again without hesitating.

The next time he realized how much he cared for you was when your son was born.

Then he realized, when you held that baby in your arms, sitting in the bed next to him, humming a sweet song for the child to calm down. He realized that what he felt for you was love.

[jonmyblaze]

Uncle Wilson theTerminator.

Slade Wilson wasn't even looking for the girl, he was just on a kill mission but NoOoo...

apparently this little teenage blue haired twerp just TELEPORTED right in front of him after he sliced up another one of his targets.

Crap and now she's crying to.

And Christ the lungs on her. Not even Joey had that's strong of a lung

Oh look a whole minute. And now she's taking a breath.

----

Lian Harper remembered the Pain, she hated the teleportation, the heartache of being ripped away from her family

oh she fucking hated it it took her years but she hated it. She had finally gotten a chance to hug her father(see Green arrow 2023 #1)

But now she was ripped away again. Fuck.

Not even 10 minutes not even 10 fucking minutes that she could have with her own fucking dad without disappearing to God knows where, with blood and death and it looks like a meat grinder went off and killed everything in its path.

Her life was hell.

She just wanted to be with her family dad Uncle dick Donna! Ollie Wally conner. Anybody

Even mom. Fuck she forgot to tell Mom. Shit she dropped the mask.

She was alone. And Mom couldn't even find her. all because she wanted to hug her father.

------slade

It took the girl 10 minutes to finally calm down from crying. But still she knew how to wipe off the blood in less than a minute. That was strange. She even made sure to have none of the blood on her clothing.

"Who are you kid"

Slade wanted to know, no normal teenager would just teleport directly in front of his Carnage without some reason of being here.

"My name is l-Lian. " The girl with blue hair answered, almost unsure that was her own name.

"Well Where the hell did you come from Lian." That ignited something defensive in her it seemed.

"what's it to you? What, are you a cop? "

"So that I could send you back. To wherever the fuck you came from"

"Why the hell would you do that? Are you Fed? Black ops? cop? "

Because I don't want to deal with extra terrestrial bullshit. "

slade Wilson knew that if some random teenager teleported in front of you it's better to deal with their issues and then forget about that entire adventure it was best for his own sanity.

" Ha! Good luck with that." She smiled a bitter smile." I'm cursed"

Cursed kid? Sheesh

Kid I deal with the supernatural and mortal realm, I think you're exaggerating things

No! I'm not ! every time I'm with in my family I just get teleported to another part of the fucking Earth. I can't even hug my own damn father without being violently thrown across the planet."she was breaking again, she was going to cry slade did not want that.

He already had dealt with her for 10 fucking minutes of crying, pathetic ugly subs.

he did not want to be in that position again.

""I I just wanted to be with my family. Just want my dad. I'll take Mom even."

It was said on that day, The mercenary's heart grew three sizes that day. Or shrunk six sizes and just wanted to deal with the child and get her out of his hair. Depends on how you look at it.

Deathstroke removed his mask

+------

Lian looked at the man, he was grizzled old and with gray hair, wearing an eye patch.

A grizzled old pirate assassin? Just her fucking luckz, can't get a good education because teleporting can't be with Dad because teleporting, can't be with Grandpa Ollie because he's fucking dead, can't go to Dinah can't go to Connor Lian was fucked and all she has was this damn fucking old assumingly assassin.

Why in all that is holy was she cursed to have such a life of pain and misery what did she do?, At least she could fucking remember what her dad looks like. At least he remembered her name now.

Something's going on with the timelines she did not know but this was her fucking life, and if she has to use some grizzled asshole to get uncursed or find Mom she would use them.

Turning Real tears and fake tears into bargaining power against mercenaries was one of Lian's top skills. Even if that was only against mother.

-----

"I'll make you a deal child,

You give me information on your family names, addresses and stuff like that that I could use to hunt them down and then once we get this whole teleporter situation under wraps then you could be with your family happily ever after..

You'll be safe alive with your family in no time."

-----

Lian was desperate where was she to go, this wasn't Gotham this wasn't any other cities she was used to,

It was some kind of bunker in the middle of nowhere, she already looked around the premises and everything like Mom would have wanted her to. Like Dad would have wanted her to. And there was nothing.

If this will get her home this would be the only chance she has

------

*"You mean it?"she asked with a false innocence. She had to get home she couldn't take it anymore. No more teleporting no more bullshit.

"I promise I'll do everything in my power to ensure that you return home to your family"

Slade Wilson thought this would be easy.

Oh how he wished it was easy

[deathweak]

my review (ish) of whole cake island saga/one piece until chapter 902 (obv spoilers until then)

originally my fav arc was alabasta. then water seven/enies lobby. then it was impel down. then it was punk hazard/dressrosa. but then...whole cake island... actual emotional rollercoaster

the best part of this arc was definitely how human some of big moms kids were. my fav new characters introduced in this arc were pudding, chiffon, brulee and katakuri. i wish that big moms kids will all escape from her.. oda writes abusive families a lot, even the 'good' parents will beat their kids in one piece, i guess thats just the world they live in... but when it's a bad parent... oh man.

i managed to somehow not get spoiled about sanjis family at all, i was pretty shocked abt the reveal. i love reiju, even tho she was complicit in/a bystander to a lot of the abuse sanji suffered, i dont think there was anything more she couldve done. she saved his life multiple times over. i really hope we get to see her again.

but the best character in this arc was pudding. her mood swings/evil personality/tsundere gag wasnt the funniest ever but she was genuinely so human.. the way i kept going back and forth like.. is she just pretending to be evil? is she pretending to be in love with him? is she gonna betray him?? AND THE KISS... i actually ship sanji and pudding just a little ..

like i actually cried here. her arc was just chefs kiss(lol) amazing.

my other favourite antagonists were brulee and katakuri. at first i didnt like either of them, but after how much the gang bullied brulee i started to feel sorry for her and grew fond of her. i also always end up having a soft spot for odas 'ugly' female characters since it's just such a breathe of fresh air inbetween all the uncomfortable fan service (honestly the fan service kinda ruins a lot of scenes)

i didnt think there would be any deeper connection between brulee and katakuri until the very last moment, and this scene is one of my favourites in the whole series

like. brulees SMILE. the scar. katakuri was just defending his sister.. also the way flampe thought she was the favourite sister. nah!! thats brulee!!! i fucking ended up really loving her. i mean without her powers being abused by straw hats they wouldve all died. sorry brulee, you didnt deserve that... i hope mama didnt punish her after. also the way that katakuri was glad luffy got away!! he gained so much respect for luffy during their fight. Also i love how hes lowkey a jojo reference (and your next line will be...)

the way that a lot of big moms kids think theyre monsters is so sad.. but these three are just my favourites. i honestly love them. this arc is really about family bonds.. blood family and found family especially.

like sanji calling zeff his father multiple times and denouncing judge, but still hes such a kind person he had to save his blood family anyway. SANJIIiii. man. the way he really is. truly. KIND. i hate whenever hes being a complete pervert, sometimes its funny when hes in the respect women mode but when hes just being a creep i hate him. but this arc made me appreciate him a lot more, and i can kinda forget abt all the weird stuff.

when he was crying in the rain, lost all hope, and luffy gives him the light again..

i like that men are allowed to cry in one piece. like kyros cried all the time after being turned human again, and sanji cried multiple times in this arc. i cried at this scene as well.. luffy really out here saving the lives/souls of his whole crew. hes such a pure bright star..

lastly this scene!! CORAZOOOOONNNN!!! luffy didnt even know about that..the way he held his mouth shut and forced a smile to make sure his crew wouldnt be worried.

if i didnt know that he was gonna survive i might have actually thought he was gonna die

the annoying part about one piece for me is the plot armor tbh. theres no stakes, bc i know none of the straw hats can die. idk if id want one of them to die but it would bring some real shock to the readers. like the gang will pretty much always win by some trick in the end, sometimes its funny like how usopp defeated sugar, but sometimes it feels like a bit of a cop out. but i think luffy and katakuris fight was believable, the only gripe i have with it is that it was dragged out a biiit too long. this arc couldve been a good 5-10 chapters shorter if oda hadnt dwelled so long on things.

also i love love love how lola became relevant again and chiffon wanted to repay the debt of nami saving her twin sister, also mamas vivre card coming in clutch lmao. nami was epic in this arc, she went up against big mom without losing her shit too badly. i love her sadistic streak lolll. cant forget brook in this either, he was hilarious.

finally. RIP pound. a great father. also RIP pedro. two good guy casualties in one arc, is oda finally permakilling people?

overall id say this arc was a 9/10. -1 point for being a bit dragged out and the fan service with reiju.

[aajjks]

I have a problem. I really don’t know where else to go with this. I’m sorry to dump all this on you I just don’t know where to go to and I’m to embarrassed to just message you. Maybe even other can help? I don’t know.

My best friend (A) and I have been friends since we were kids. We grew up telling each other everything, sharing clothes, constantly hanging out etc. When we were around 13 we met this boy (J) who was soo awkward and shy and I thought he was ugly and annoying meanwhile J thought he was adorable so she befriended him.

He instantly started following her around like a lovesick puppy. She truly is someone they not only him but other gravitate to, she’s seriously an angel on this planet. As the years go on I can clearly see how much J loves A; he didn’t like physical touch but would let A all over him since her love language was physical touch (she was abused as a child and didn’t like being touched so if she touched you she felt safe with you, he knew), hates sharing food with anyone but would always push his food into her plate if she didn’t have much (she had an issue with not eating and he knew) or just buy her her favorite food, always gave her his jacket, she grew up with 4 little brothers so it was hard for her to focus on hw when her single mom wasn’t home she he’s go over and play with them so she could have her own time, gave her massages, constantly remind her he was proud of her. Point is he’s always been in love with her. Well after he confessed to her how he felt they got together when they were around 17-18 and they’ve been together for almost 7 years. They moved in together around 3 years ago and are still going amazing together. I was with my boyfriend for a few months before we broke up and I had no where else to go. My family and I stopped talking after a huge fight over my exbf and I’m just to petty to say sorry. So A and J let me move in with them until I can figure this all out. Now.. my problem.. I see how much of a man J has become. Not just a man but a respectful, caring, loving, humble, protective man. He’s perfect. He’s my walking dream. I’ve gone from man to man my whole life because I hated the idea of settling down but living with J now makes me think it’s not so bad. A just gave birth to their first son little less than a month ago, he’s a premature baby but a month. He’s home now and A is still recovering from giving birth so J has made her stay on the couch/bed and he does everything for her. Although A has been getting better and up moving more he’s stilll overprotective of her. I’ve never had a man do anything of this for me. He feeds her when she’s to tired to move, he helps her shower when she don’t feel like it, he lets her sleep while he watches the baby. Everything. She has it so easy now and I hate it. The perfect husband and cutest son. I thought he did a lot when she was pregnant but now, seeing how well he takes care of her.. I love him and her son. Because of her upbringing she doesn’t trust many people with her child but when she’s sleeping in bed and J isn’t home, he has been working from home lately but he still has to go get things, I offer to stick around and watch him. But last week A was in bed sleeping after feeding him, he was in his crib that’s in their room, I went in there to get him to hold him. I was sitting on the couch when J walked in with more stuff for the baby and A, and I could help but feel like J was my husband coming home with things for me and our son. Now I feel like whenever I’m holding the baby he’s mine and Js. A hold her son a lot and she doesn’t like letting many people hold him and it’s making me mad, I have a right to hold the baby whenever I want since I help out. She walked in on me 2 days ago when I was trying to do skin to skin with the baby so we could create a bond like how babies do with mothers and fathers. We got into a disagreement when I called her out on not sharing the baby and she brought up how I needed to be focused on finding a place. But I can’t. One I don’t have money but who’s going to take care of the baby? also who’s will help J around the house? Since she’s gave birth all she does if take care of the baby and sleep pretty much. J was agreeing with her and that pissed me off to the max. He doesn’t see how lazy she has become how fucking spoiled he’s made her. I can be a better wife and mother than she ever could be. She’s always said we were a family but now she’s calling J and their son HER family when they’re OUR family. I hate that the best friend I thought was an angel is such a fucking bitch

umm idk what to say I feel I’ll say something you won’t like so… I’m sorry.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hey, tw all kinds of bad experiences you have as a fat person, diet stuff, etc, sexual violence

I grew up as a chubby kid. It is genetics but also poverty. My mom is very thin, she's been 88lb her whole life. A weight, I reached when I was in elementary school (admittedly, I am very different build, she's dainty, my shoulders killed a lot of flannels). She sent me from dietitian to dietitian from age 8 on thought the only issue was, that we had no food at home because we were so poor and the only meals I got were the ones I begged from neighbors and teachers (dietitian are free in my country for fat ppl). My dads family on the other hand, look more like me. Wide build and slightly overweight to fat. But all of them want to lose weight. Since forever. Since I was a small kid every new year there was this "weight-loss challenge". Every participant (most family members, even my 85y.o. grandma) had to tell my dad their weight on Sundays and he added them to a chart and who didn't loose weight was publicly shamed by the others. A concept I later saw again when I was anorexic. So, there was that, I grew up fat but pretty athletic, I even did competitive sport. Still, you know, surprising every PE teacher that I am good at sports, bullying at school, etc pp. I came into puberty very early, still in elementary school, which really fucked up my sexuality. Having a C cup when 10 (and immediately experiencing sexual violence from strangers) left me to today unable to have any sexual experience. Also because I feel uncomfortable in my body because of my weight. In my youth I was anorexic and in recovery I gained back to my all-time weight. But I still feel fatter then I am or rather... My view is shit. My body is pretty average, the kind of slightly-overweight that everybody nowadays is. But in my eyes (maybe from childhood maybe from anorexia) the "normal/healthy" weight is waayyy skinnier than is it for society (with bmi and stuff). In contrast, I feel very fat although I am pretty average.

Everyone around me has an unhealthy beauty standart/body image issues/unhealthy diet etc. My bfs mom eats nothing but yoghurt for 4 years now, to lose weight (she didn't lose a pound by now and I would have given up, but ok) and judges my eating choices, whenever I am around (she asked me once why I made myself carrots for breakfast, carrots are the vegetables with the most sugar!!!). She always talks about calorie counting, weight watchers, encourages her friends and family to fast a few days in a row to lose weight, calls them lazy if they say they can't because, they have a life and aren't early-retireds with no hobby but an unhealthy diet. I also gained a lot of weight in the last months from stress, I assume around 30lb. I have a genetic lung disease and had/have to be careful during the pandemic, so I couldn't do a lot of my usual teamsports.

When I recently visited my mom, she greeted me with "Wow, you've become fat" like? Guess what, I noticed!!! Thanks for nothing.

The only one who thinks I am pretty is my bf. But tbh, this goes under beneath all the other voices.

So, I am torn. On the one hand I still have the urge to go back to anorexia, please all my surrounding, participate in their unhealthy diet, and feel better in my body again (because I clearly felt better when I was thinner. Not more athletic or easier-to-move or for medical reasons. I just felt more comfortable in my body). On the other hand I want to eat healthy (which I admittedly didn't so much during the last stressful months) do sport, see how my body will change with that and accept what body will stick with me.

Tbh, the unhealthy voice is most times much louder, which leaves me with a lot of self hate during the last months. It is like the thought, that I had when I was anorexic: "I want to love my body. But only, once I have a body that I objectively don't have to be ashamed of. Because what is it worth, to love my body, if it is still ugly for everyone who sees it?". A very contrary thought, I know. But still, accurate till today.

Any encouraging words or something?

Hi anon,

It sounds like your mom has an unhealthy view on weight, not only her own but pretty much everyone else around her as well, and you've internalized a lot of that.

I understand why the unhealthy voice is sometimes louder - because you've been made to believe that voice is right. It can definitely be a struggle to try and accept your body for the way it is especially after having gone though what you have. But I do believe that, for the sake of your own mental and physical health, it's important to fight that unhealthy voice and do what you need to do to live a healthy life, however that looks for you. Anorexia can be extremely challenging to resist, and you may take some backwards steps, but progress isn't linear.

It's hard not to internalize how people claim to perceive your body, especially your own mother. But your mom seems to be leading an obliviously unhealthy lifestyle, so perhaps it's safe to say that she may not completely know what's best for you.

I don't have personal experience with eating disorders but I do have personal experience with insecurities about my physical appearance. It may seem a little backwards, but it helped me to hear that, no matter what you look like, someone will always have something to say, so it kind of cheapens the worth of their criticisms. It's another way of saying you can't please everyone. So as long as you are healthy and happy, your opinion of yourself is the only one that ultimately matters. That's easier said than done, but it is a place to start.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[subtlesolitude-tailoredtaste]

You ever make a permanent mistake and try everything in your power to correct it and or lessen the damage like holding gauze to an open blood spewing wound?

My mother has done this since she fled on foot for refuge like so many others. Ended up married choosing the worst piece of shit due to indecisiveness and survivors remorse just to give birth to a sorry piece of shit both made her so sad so mad we brought her down to our piece of shit being.

lol I laugh bc I’m exhausted. I laugh in gut wrenching heart break bc I should have stayed away when I got away.

I shouldn’t have committed sacrifice for a mother who is saying I did I do it wrong. I don’t listen.now I can’t even hear my own voice the voice that I loved and kicked it with and grew with for 3 decades “. I swear to God I wish I committed suicide. Easy peasy lemon squeeze. What a fucking waste. I’m so sorry

Sacrificed 2 lifetimes worked like a dog stayed in the house like a dog all for fucking ugly ass butt fuck African hillbillies and African wannabe whites all security all upward mobility blood tears sweat beatings assaults traumas deaths for your family to piss it all away lie for 30 years have me think solid foundation Beneath my feet to follow my dreams HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAJJAJAJHAHAHSHSHSND

DONT EVER TAKE ME BACK TO WHERE MY MOTHER AND FATHER ARE FROM, WHERE ANY OF THEIR FAMILY IS. I WILL END THEM I WILL END THERE LAND I WILL END THEIR BLOOD SUCKING HELP FROM MY MOM. I WILL FIND ANY CHINAMEN TO END THEM ALL. I WILL SELL THEM TO A LIFE OF PAIN TEST REGRET DISSAPOINTMENT GETTING SCREWED OVER. I WONT STOP THERE END THE FUCKING COUNTRY END THEIR TRIBES END THEIR WHOLE FUCKING SHIT LIKE THEY ENDED OURS. FUCK ETHIOPIA FUCK ETHIOPIANS FUCK THE TPLF AND ALL ITS PPLS FUCK PRETENTIOUS PERFORMATIVE PIECES OF SHIT AMHARA.

TAKE IT ASIA TAKE IT EUROPE TAKE IT ARABS TAKE IT UAE TAKE IT RAPE IT ROB IT. WONT BE ANY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT THEIR OWN PPL DO TO IT.

IM DONE LISTENING TO MOM LISTEN TO WAR SINCE GODDAMN 1999. That’s all she does with tech and her time. NOT ONE PENNY OF MINE WILL GO TO THAT SHITHOLE. IDC IDC IDC.

Empires are falling racists and rapists emboldened and out here everywhere. lol fuck it one good day, if I am lucky one good consistent week, if I’m blessed one good month. If not, I AM NOT PERFECT but. I HAVE BEEN PATIENT. No more. God have mercy on my soul. Fury like fire in my veins. Lividness I pray will propel me to live an autonomous life for me and live it as a gift.

SUCCESSION ▸ no, i’m what’s left

[oncominggstorm]

I feel like such a loser sometimes, like something must be SO wrong with me, because why don't I have friends?

I'll see people who are like, objectively worse people than me. People who are mean or selfish or bigoted or assholes, and they have friends.

I'll see other people who are shy and nerdy and awkward and they'll still have friends. Other people who are fat or ugly or disabled, and they still have friends. Other people with even weirder more niche interests than me, and they still have friends.

But I don't have friends.

My parents had friends. My mom not so much anymore I guess, but when she was in her teens and 20s and early 30s, she had a bunch of friends (including, now that I think about it, a bunch with really weird names that feel like they have inside stories behind them, like Big Bob and Cokey and Butch and Blind Bill and Chopper). She even had two best friends who we grew up calling our aunts, whose kids we called our cousins, who we saw all the time.

My dad had friends, too, despite being one of the most grumpy and anti-social neurotypicals I've ever met. Like, multiple friends that he had his whole life. One who he was in a band with from age 16 til like age 60 or something (idr how old he was when he quit. All I know is that friend of his was the most annoying guy I'd ever met). Another who he met at work like 20 years go, who he went to football and baseball games with, sometimes even weekend guys trips (one time I remember said friend coming with us on a trip to St Louis when I was like 15). His best friend from high school literally drove 5 hours one way from St Louis so he could come to my dad's funeral in person (even though we were streaming it online for people who couldn't make it).

My grandma, who is 80 and has late stage dementia, STILL gets occasional visits and phone calls from a friend who she has known since childhood, who grew up down the street from her.

Meanwhile I don't think I've EVER had a friendship last more than like, idk, 7 years? MAYBE? Usually whenever the thing I met the friend through (school or work or w/e) ends, the friendship ends.

And I've NEVER had a CLOSE friend, EVER. I've NEVER had someone that I felt like I could call up if I needed to talk, or invite to just hang out and do nothing. I've NEVER had someone I felt like I could trust with my secrets. I've NEVER had someone I felt like would really be there for me when I need them. I've NEVER had someone I wasn't worried was gonna drop me the second I was a little too weird. I've NEVER had a friend I didn't need to mask around.

I haven't hung out with a friend since like, 2015 maybe? I no longer HAVE any friends.

And I don't even know how to begin trying to find friends. I'm not in school, I don't work (and am not able to), I have no community at all. Like I swear I am not exaggerating when I say the ONLY people I interact with on a regular basis are my mom, grandma, 2 sisters, and therapist. That is IT.

I can't even figure out how to make friends on like, tumblr. Let alone irl. But I desperately need some friends. I know everyone says you have to fix yourself first before you find people to love you or whatever but I just like...1.) don't know how true that is and 2.) genuinely don't know that it's possible for me.

I have been trying to go it alone for SO LONG. And I've been REALLY trying. I go to therapy twice a week. I put in the effort. I really really am trying. Like for the longest time I genuinely believed that I needed to "fix" myself before I could have friends, that I am the problem. But now I know that all the stuff I thought I needed to "fix" is actually just the autism and isn't going away.

But I feel like the biggest things missing from my life, the things that would ACTUALLY help me start feeling better and doing better, are things I CAN'T give myself. Support. Love. Companionship. A shoulder to cry on. A hand to hold. A hug. Someone to spend time with. Like, I am very much missing those things in my life. And I don't think it's wrong to want those. And I don't think it's wrong to say my life would be better and easier if I had those things.

Idk. I'm just really lonely and I feel like no one likes me or will ever like me and like I'll be alone forever. It gets harder and harder the older I get too cuz it's like, when I was 15 and lonely, sure it sucked but I still had the rest of my life ahead of me! I had college and a career and a future, I'd meet people! But now I'm 33 and I'm done with school and I can't work and I have no friends and I don't know how to make friends and most people my age have way more life experiences than me, they're already past the "making new friends and hanging out talking and watching tv til late hours of the night" stage of life, they're into the "married with kids and we see our friends for 2 hours for dinner once a month" stage of life, and I'm very decidedly not. Like I'm still craving the experiences I missed out on in high school and college.

[arttrampbelle]

Tfw yuna from the ghost of tsushima games would ha e been better as an antagonist than an ally.

Fr tho she's selfish and unconsciously manipulative. Jins weak spots is he's too trusting. And honestly he would have gone down the route he did without yuna eventually. It was bound to happen. It's obvious.

Yuna hinders everyone and slows everyone down for her own selfish gain.

Yuna becoming an unintentional villain would have more impact. Makes more sense than having ryuzo betray jin. The man who's known him longer,making them rivals and jealous for plot is fucking annoying. Plus having a healthy friendship between men is important. No offense.

Yuna isn't the girlboss people think she is. She's had a hard life. But so did her brother. If not worse.

Her whole story is made about her and less about taka. Taka is just there to be a wimp to save and die. And that pisses me off.

Honestly,masako,yuriko(rip grandma :'( ),hell jins mom is more tragic than yuna ever was.

I can think of several characters better than her. She's such dead weight in the story to me.

Honestly i tried to like her but over time,again and again playing this game i always felt she was boring. Like if she was a man,i guarantee she would have been killed off in the story or die "noble sacrifice" or just treated with depth or got called out more on her shit at least.

But no we just fucking hold her hand and expect to feel "sowee" for her.

Plus they are very inconsistent with her backstory. At first she was a child in yarikawa during the rebellion. Then she grew up in a slaver farm. Then they keep adding these things to add angst. And yes it is an explanation for some thing. But it's used as an excuse than a learning point. What character development does she really have?

Good or bad.

Like she's just there to be "grrrl power im not like other warrior women. Im ninja traumatized bitch that leads the main protag away from his code for selfish reasons but you're supposed to feel bad for me because i lost my brother that could have been prevented by me in the first place if i didn't fucking play savior" yeah. Sure jan.

I don't feel sorry for yuna. I feel sorry for her characters potential.

Every other character. No matter how complex. And the complexities of humanity and the lovely contradictions that happens with the human condition. The ugliness that is war. Every other character has a better narrative and story and development and bittersweet story ending. Than fucking yuna.

Yuna can kick rocks. She's the debbie sue of this game and i will die on that hill.

Tomoe got freedom and honestly she's earned that. Yuna failed like a cringe loser cuz she couldn't let shit go and see the bigger picture. But is never addressed this. Praised for it. And never moves in her character. I don't mind her having struggle,but ffs why does tomoe have a better narrative than her? She's essentially the fucking same character deep down. Not samurai,but still a warrior. Selfish,but also she admits it. She owns up to herself,all the good the bad and the ugly. And to me? That's a fucking girlboss. That's a complex character. She's clearly not a noble character. However she never is claimed to be nor is glorified as one.

Yuna is for some fucking reason. Praised because she does the bare minimum in the story. What does she offer to jin besides make him go angry on the enemies in the game. In fact she makes shit worse for him. Even if it's inevitable that he goes down the route he did. Which he would absolutely have. Yuna didn't need to be there to do that.

Meanwhile the other ladies and gents in the story pick up the slack. And are clearly better written in their vices,shortcomings,and overcoming them. Even if bittersweetly.

Make yuna cringefail. Make yuna actually have something interesting to her.

I hate yuna so damn much. But i hate her loss of potential character development more. Ugh

[violettierre]

Oh wait ykw this whole barbie movie talk makes me remember the barbie centered stuff in my life hold up i gotta rant this.

Honestly i think all my peers or whoever grew up between early 2000s or late 90s knows the absolute power of barbie toys in that era, personally i had a wild history with em when i was like still in elementary school and my parents get me a barbie doll i just feel like a high class coolest kid in town and yet i also had this weird urge where within 24h that barbie or gonna be stripped and cut with scissors all limps cut to cubes and beheaded and i just take her head and clothes and throw the rest near my parents' mirror desk and that place around that time is where you find the gruesome crime scenes i commit on barbie dolls and then have to beg my parents to get me another one but i get yelled at for the wasted money and then cry and rant about the cruel world in my fairy notebook, but then once again wgen we go out and i see barbie dolls i have to male an entire speech and promise to my mom that i won't practice my serial killer career on it and she gets me one and again within 24h the remaining of another victim is found nesr their mirror desk beheaded and stripped and cut into pieces, and repeat the process, but you may wonder, what was i doing with the head and clothes ? First i cut her hair and then diy my very own aesthetic pencils from 2000s if anyone remembers those colorful pebcils with something on top of it like a heart ir a unicorn while i put barbie heads on regular pencils to act cool infront of my classmates who were too weirded out to make a remark and so did the teachers, meanwhile the clothes i collect i just cut them from different colors into cubes that were messy and out of line and then like glue each one into a string yk like these carnival decorations but very ugly and short and cheap version and hang them on top of my bed, cuz i thought i did something, but my childhood room was like really plain it had nothing colourful or toys in it just like a desk with school items and messy clothes and these normie stuff so back then when i added shit like that i thought i just decorated the coolest room you've ever been into, until my mom ripped it off cuz it was ugly and i had a mental breakdown and felt as if she just ruined my very own special career that i had just came up with and was like "YOU'RE JEALOUS OF ME" bit then i got a good beating with the special arab mom silicone slippers for talking back to my mom, so yah then the creativity dyi era was over. Psycho barbie fan era never was tho, cuz in the 2000s if you didn't have barbie or hello kitty or these merchandise stuff on in my school you're a loser and i didn't want anyone else to find out im a loser so i beg my mom once again to buy me any pink shit i see and after begging and crying and getting beaten with slippers for being noisy i just show up at lunch breaks in outdoors time as if im a celebrity trying to impress the crowd with my latest pink hair clip that costed me my dignity infront of my mom, my little brother, and the seller while no one gave a fuck so i got angry and punched my neighbor in the nose for ignoring me showing off my hairclip so she told her mom, and her mom told my mom, and i got another goid beaten.

You'd think i stopped as i got a little older but nooooooo, when i was pre-teen i was more babyish than before about these stuff, why ? Cuz they got a little sister more barbie toys than me cuz she never pull a dr. Frankenstein on them (what a loser) so like the older and more mature child i fool her to watch tv or something so i can play silently with her barbies, and in that time they got her the dreamhouse and all these extra mini barbie stuff that i never got for being such a good kid so i get jealous and lock her out if her room to play with them, then take a doll hostage to threaten her if she tries to snitch on me, like the good older sister i am <3 (she still snitched btw and i deserved the beating that time)

[not-that-complicated]

Back

Warning rant because this is just for me

I think sometimes I will always be the same no matter how much I grow. Do we all feel that way? I finally did it. I moved. I had to admit that staying in the same small town I grew up in was not making me happy. Let me be clear, this isn’t where I do the whole trash the town, pull out my verbal pitchfork and toss every single person I know under the bus. We have to be real, it is mindset. People, will always but just that, people. That includes the good, the bad and the ugly. It is okay if we outgrow them and it is okay if we just don’t fit places anymore, because sometimes we don’t. We are who we surround ourselves with, that is success, growth, and even, failure. So beware. 

This is a lesson I learned way too many times. This does not make me better, it makes me human. I’m just kind of proud of myself now. I just really miss my Grampa. I stayed and I wanted to make a place and a life that wasn’t meant for me work because he was there. Unfortunately that also meant awful repeats of so many bad habits. I would get on track with a good pattern and true to myself I would tear it all down (Thanks BPD self sabotage). I still hate the city but I am close enough it works...and hey, commuting isn’t so bad. 

 I am also learning that even the things we want are work. I love what I do, and I got in at the place I wanted...but holy wow. Side note, new places are cliquey. That’s okay too. I can just work hard, focus on my tasks (Because I know what I am doing), I can also take this as a period of learning because the people around me are also knowledgeable. My work will speak for itself. I get to go home at the end of the day, and most importantly, I am there to make a difference for kids.

The most ironic thing is, I never wanted kids. Now my whole life revolves around tiny humans. I love them so much. I work with them, and man even the hardest days have so many powerful moments that make it so worthwhile. There is no bad kids. I am a very proud step mom. I adore the tiny humans who I get to see every week. It is so much fun. When I moved, we go tot give them each their own room, they were squished in one room at their Dad’s before and they have other siblings at their Mom’s. So I took the time to specially decorate each of their rooms.  The little boy is so much fun, the other day he ran upstairs and put on the button up skull pattern shirt I bought him and came downstairs to proudly tell me “I wanted to match you!” Then the little girl had lost a tooth and I guess between coming from her Mom’s with her littlest Brother, the Tooth Fairy didn’t make a stop, so I told her that parents could call and that I would call her and explain. That night I wrote up a letter and sprinkled glitter around to leave the letter and some tooth money. The next morning she was so happy. It is the little things that matter. I also have two teenaged boys I am fighting to get Kinship care for, and it is not so easy. I have never loved so fiercely which is saying a lot if anyone has ever read past posts or knows me. Loving a child is something special. Blood or no, those boys are mine and I care so much.

I think that was the hardest part about my move, leaving the boys. It has been almost two months and while they call and message (even keeping in contact despite a mishap with my phone dying in a washing machine) it isn’t the same. The older one turns 15 next month and I will literally walk through flames to make a visit happen. I want to be there for his Birthday. I want to make sure he gets something and knows he is loved. I told them that this would be hard, but I will continue to do my best to stay strong for them, and be positive. I clean more than I ever have because my home will absolutely PASS inspection. I will make sure this is the absolute best home. For them and for my little kiddos. I want them all safe and  I want them happy.

When I left, I also decided I just didn’t want contact with a lot of family. I knew from a while it was pretty one-sided. And ultimately, my only real connection with a parent was with my Grampa. He tried so hard to foster a relationship between me and my parents, he made sure I knew who my Mom and Dad were. He made sure I called them by their correct titles, and I do out of respect to Grampa and Grampa only. I don’t really feel connection to them, and I feel guilt but not to them, to the fact that society expects I should as a norm. Therapy helps me realize that it is alright? We don’t have to care for bad people. And to me they were bad. I can forgive. I just want space. My parent is/was(?) Grampa. And he passed away. I don’t hate my biological parents, but I don’t exactly have much attachment to them, I also don’t exactly have object permanence in a way that I don’t overly think of them because they weren’t exactly, ever, there (unless forced (or they needed something like money...Dad asking Grampa and I was the way to get it)) So why bother? I am just done putting effort into what does not serve. I also said that you are what surrounds you? Well I don’t want to be surrounded by negative people like that, those continuing negative cycles...and people always wondering what is wrong but never fixing it. I want to take responsibility. My mental and physical illnesses are hard, my Goddess they fucking suck, but I refuse to quit, I want to live. I want to succeed at what I do. I want to give my kids the best life. And I just want to be happy.

I also just really dropped friendships. Some of this just happened naturally as I focuses on work, on my health and on my goals. This isn’t a cruel thing. Like I said, it is okay to outgrow things. If people don’t understand this, they aren’t ready to grow yet, we all do things at our own pace, progress is never linear and no two peoples paths look the same. Even as I write this, I know how difficult this is. Sometimes I am still lonely as I don’t have a lot of friends. The amazing thing I found was in my journey, I reconnected with people, old friends and it was like we had never stopped talking. I don’t exactly see them. But we are adults, with kids, and jobs and husbands. We live a bit apart. However, to talk to other people who just get the stresses sometimes is so freeing. Be it a late night text of “Is it bad my child ate Macaroni 3 days in a row?”  and a late reply of “A Mom’s gotta do what a Mom’s gotta do.”  Or even long phone calls while we both shop or clean. I am also thankful for my Cousin who has been a constant. She has made a drive out to mourn a loss with me and ended up helping me through a chaotic moment within my house. 

Sorry for the rant Tumblr. Life has changed. But I am happier. Still racked with mental illness and a fake adult, but I am getting there.....And I have returned to this site.

[veilxstars]

Aris listened to Copper with that fierce, protective gaze of his, the weight of his brother’s words settling into his heart. The urge to shield Copper from his own self-blame gnawed at him, but he knew all too well that Copper’s pain wasn’t something that could just be erased with a few comforting words. Still, he couldn't stop himself from trying.

“Copper,” Aris began, carefully trying to space his words and say them with care, “I didn’t come back here for you to blame yourself like this. Damon’s death wasn’t your fault. You didn’t wield the knife, and you sure as hell weren’t the one who put Neil on that path. Some people just fixate and it's fucked up, and it shouldn't have happened.”

The memories of his own life—of all the ways he’d tried to protect his mother and later his adopted family—flashed before him. He knew that suffocating guilt Copper was drowning in. It was the same guilt that had almost swallowed Aris whole after his mom died. The fear and shame that gnawed at him. He looked down at the sidewalk, minding his steps, carefully ensuring that he didn't step on any of the cracks. He was watching his brother spiral down that same path his mother did, he felt the old, familiar anger flare up inside him—anger that Copper would carry this weight alone, and anger that yet again, he hadn't been able to do anything.

but he came in time this time didn't he? he wasn't too late.

Aris paused, his hand tightening slightly on Copper’s shoulder. “You’re not a monster, Copper. Neil is a fucker, and if I ever see him, I'm gonna kill him, and with all that said - I still want in, no matter how dark it gets.”

He cleared his throat. He didn't talk about his mother often. Even years after her death, talking about her hurt but -- Copper reminded him so much of her, especially at this moment. After a moment, Aris softened, his mind drifting back to a memory of his mother. “You know, my mom—her name was Keyelin—she was this fae-bright, one-of-a-kind person. Even when everything around us was falling apart, she always tried to find the beauty in it. I remember this one time, we didn’t have enough for groceries, and I was worried, freaking out about how we were going to eat. But she just smiled at me and told me not to worry. She pulled together the scraps we had left in the fridge—some rice, old vegetables, just bits and pieces—and made this little feast out of it.”

Aris chuckled softly, remembering the scene. “She even lit candles, like it was some fancy dinner, and told me stories while we ate. Stories about faeries and ancient kings, about worlds where magic made anything possible. She turned this terrible situation into something that felt almost… magical. Like for that moment, it didn’t matter that we didn’t have much. What mattered was that we were together.”

His voice grew softer. “She had this way of making even the worst moments feel like they had a spark of beauty in them. I think that’s why I clung to her so hard. She made me believe there was something more to life than just the bad stuff.”

He looked back at Copper, his gaze steady. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, yeah, things can get ugly. But there’s still good in it too. We just have to stick together and find it.”

The longer that Copper and Aris talked, the more he realized that there was no way he would be able to do this without his brother. The chasm of grief inside him felt impossible, but already with his brother back with him, it felt a little bit easier. Copper wondered if Aris had immediately started looking for him, which felt like something his brother would do, but it also felt like Aris to try at first to give Copper his space. "I guess...if the roles were reversed, I'd have found you too," Copper admitted, and that was true. He'd have found his brother and scolded him for thinking they could do be without each other. "I'm sorry for hurting you," Copper apologized, feeling guilty. "You know it wasn't anything to do with you all, right? I just...wanted to try and keep you safe." He still wanted that, and if Aris died because he had tracked Copper down, well...he would never recover from that.

Even though Copper had been pretty sure he knew what this meant, he still sighed at Aris's confirmation. He had hoped that maybe Aris had finished early or something, but that wasn't the case. "You didn't have to do that," he told his brother sadly, though he had a small smile on his face because of Aris saying he loved and needed him. They were so important to each other. "Blood doesn't make a family," Copper responded, something he knew Aris was well-aware of. "I can't imagine feeling closer to anyone even if they were blood relatives." He smiled at Aris, and then he stopped, gently grabbing Aris's shoulder to still him as well before pulling his big brother into a hug. "I do need you," Copper said softly, "and the best thing dads ever did was not giving up on you." His life would feel so empty without Aris, and Copper couldn't imagine it.

Even though he had been pretty much aligned with the way Aris thought about all of this so far, that he'd been a fool to try and leave them behind, that they needed each other, etc, this was one are where Copper couldn't bring himself to agree. "I brought Neil into our lives," he argued firmly. "If I hadn't, Damon would still be alive. I might not have wielded the knife, but I may as well have." If he could think about this objectively, Copper would recognize that this was, well, absurd. But the problem was that Copper couldn't think about this objectively, and his fingers went to naked ring finger, wishing he'd worn his ring today. Aris's words were like a light, but Copper was still shrouded in shadow, and he felt like he always would be. "I see this...path in my head," Copper started slowly, trying to explain to Aris. "I see the moment Neil and I met. I see us becoming friends, me introducing him to everyone else, integrating him into the group. I see him falling in love with me and the way that I noticed and didn't stop it. I mean...you've seen Neil. He's a handsome guy, and I...I was flattered at first." Copper paused, the weight of his words pulling him down, though he managed to keep from completely falling into this black spot of his heart. "I see me finally trying to put a stop to this but gently, trying to spare Neil's feelings," he continued. "I see myself not telling Damon that Neil wasn't letting it go, that he was following me, sending me letters, things like that. I never told you that I kept that a secret from everyone at first, even Damon. Every step on this path, there are side trails that would have taken me to a new one, a path where the final destination wasn't Damon being murdered. But I kept on this one, following it to its terrible conclusion when I had so many chances to step off of it. So how could I do anything but blame myself?" He had never been so transparent with how he felt about all of this. It was heavy, and Copper looked to his brother and (only half-jokingly) asked, "Do you still want me to let you in." If Aris saw him as a monster now, Copper wouldn't blame him.

Although the intention had been for them to go to Copper's house, and even though that was what Copper would have preferred, his brother had traveled across the country for him, and Copper would do whatever Aris wanted. Plus Copper really did want to learn more about Aris's life before he had joined their family. "Yeah, that sounds really good," Copper agreed, smiling at the casual affection of Aris's arm around his waist. He remembered when Aris hadn't been like this, and it was so nice to see how far his brother had come. "Is it hard being back?" Copper asked Aris as they walked. "I mean...you've got to be remembering all sorts of things." When Damon had died, Copper couldn't even sleep in their bed anymore, so he knew how memories weren't always easy. "Or maybe it's been long enough that the memories are just nice," Copper reasoned. They headed toward the burger place, and as they got closer, Copper said, "I'm not going to leave again. I feel safer here than I did back in Maine, and it's...easier not feeling so weighed down with memories of what my life could have been." Then he smirked, revealing, "Plus I own a tea shop now, so I can't just abandon that." He knew that Aris would be surprised by that.