#my joints are almost not painful
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I'm snuggled into bed, newly acquired electric blanket on, reading and eating my favourite snack (sweet/salty pretzels I can only get at christmas). This is the vibe for 2025. Cozy hedonism. I feel like a hibernating bear.
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It is interesting how much math comes into even the most basic of like. Making things. Making almost anything. And often not numbers necessarily but proportions and geometry. I think all the time about how castles were built with geometry at the heart of it. And I use the same kind of proportional math to make socks fit. And none of my pieces are ever knit with a prime number of stitches--because you use factors to make neat colorwork and ribbing and different stitches. Idk ! I remember constantly thinking 'how the hell is THIS gonna come in useful ?' But it always does. Math is at the heart of everything, and knowing how to apply it is a tool of critical importance to Thinking Up A Shape And Making It.
#it turns out it is not covid vaccine making me highly fucked up but rather this new med which is fun#um#one of thise 'high but wow. in such a bad way' kinda experience atm#almost fell down the stairs#tripped while just standing#and its like. ok so the thing is i go to pain management to manage my pain right ? makes sense#and then all they have to offer is shit that fucks me up more. the muscle relaxant that seems to have permanently#loosened all my joints so they are WAY WORSE NOW#stupid ssris that make me fall constantly and fuck with my brain#i literally just need a painkiller that works. that is all. we know what was effective from surgery#but they of course will never prescribe opiods. oh the horror. imagine.#i could scream#anyway. uh thinking about the interconnectedness of math in all things is much more fun than screaming#knitting
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me when my disability disables me:
#yeah so anyway I had to come home from school early because my body hurt and I was overstimulated#so like double kill#and now my body is doing the thing that it does sometimes when I get a fever for seemingly no reason and this time it won't let me just tak#Ibuprofen#pile so many blankets over me that I can't move#and sleep for 15 hours like it normally does#which is fucking rude#and also I am in so much pain with my joints and shit I love my body sm#and now I have spontaneously developed a stomach ache#and I feel nauseous#but I might just be hungry idk#who tf thought it was a good idea to make nauseous and hungry feel almost the same#they should be publicly executed#yeah sorry for the huge rant in the tags :(#disabled#disability#chronic disability#invisible disability#frog rambles#but in the notes this time#autistic#autism#autism spectrum disorder#actually autistic#autistic things#actually disabled
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I think more people ought to accept the idea that mobility aids do not always look like they're specifically "for disabled people." An aid is, at the core, something that helps to empower disabled people to live more comfortably, more easily, more pain-less/pain-free, maintain quality of life, or anything else.
A disability aid might not be obvious to you. It might even seem silly to call some things "disability aids," but that doesn't change the fact that they are helping that person live more comfortably and freely. Not every disabled person will have aids that are "not standard," but for the disabled people who do have non-standard aids, we ought to treat them well and include them in spaces. We can accommodate a vast array of disabled people, and the effort to include them is worth the time it takes.
#disability#i was thinking about this because i'm getting gloves to help my hand pain and joint problems in my hands#and i don't think people would conceptualize that as an 'aid' because... they're fucking /gloves/#but (hopefully) they will minimize the amount of pain/anxiety/fear that i get when my hands start acting up#so in my mind they will aid in my quality of life and my overall physical and mental health#because it is so scary to me when my hands act up because... if you have hands that function like 90% of the time you RELY on them#and the times that they fail you are deeply unsettling and almost horrifying#anyway rant over: if somebody says something is an aid believe them <3
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Fun things about being a repeat patient at PT for neck, back, and shoulder pain is nobody even suspects I got top surgery for gender reasons because I legit had some of my chronic pain almost entitely fixed nearly instantly by it so everybody just figures I did it for pain relief
(I mean, that was also a reason, but it was secondary)
#Unfortunately my joints suck for genetic reasons so like#'I slept funny' is a legit way i can injure myself enough to need PT lmao#But there's none of that 'it hurts bad enough to fuck up my life for no reason anybody can find' stuff anymore#Honestly if i didn't have gender issues I would almost certainly have gone for a reduction anyway due to the chronic pain#Like an actual injury kicked the whole mess off years ago but the entire area had been#Fucked up and prone to extra injury and pain ever since no matter what i do#(They don't know because I haven't changed my name pronouns or gender marker)#(Doing so offline was never important to me since I'm largely indifferent to it as it's my body that's the problem)
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Pros of getting my COVID booster:
Immunity boost! Yay!
Cons of getting my COVID booster:
Feel like absolute shit for 24-48hrs after
#our little lives don't count at all!#I've already showered twice in the last 12hrs because I was so feverish I couldn't stop shivering from cold and blankets weren't enough#then the intense headache and achey eyes and soreness and joint pain and chest constriction and and and#my reaction to the boosters always makes me think I'm one of the people who would NOT do well with COVID without the booster though#so I'm thankful for it even though I wanna stick my head into a black hole#gods and the BOREDOM that comes with being unable to do almost anything from feeling so awful...
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quick let me sexualize my disability and make everyone uncomfortable
#the noises and motions i make when in pain and trying to correct my muscles/joints#catch me almost outright humping this bed to get my SI right#i actually kinda have anxiety about it#because im scared of being seen as being inappropriate when im just being disabled and trying to regulate my shit
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ive had a week to grapple with this but nope brain still whirring over the idea of "you might need to actually get a cane"
#at every level I know it would be a good thing if I got one#I had a ROUGH week with the joint pain last week#and several times in the last few months ive thought to myself#god I wish I had a cane#which. that says a lot in and of itself#a cane would make things so much more convenient for me#it would make my job easier#it would make me want to go for walks again#it would make the bus easier#it would be really helpful on my upcoming trip#and I know this#I know this on every level#but theres still that part of me thats like#im 25 and I need a cane#im 25 I take good care of my body im active and I need a cane#which is an entirely unfair mindset and puts blame on things beyond my control#but theres still this. mourning#almost#getting braces for my joints is one thing#those are typically easily hidden under my clothes#easy to forget#a cane is not#a cane is an admission I need help to get around#not all the time but sometimes#and thats a scary thing to admit to myself#but im trying to embrace every part of this journey#im disabled and thats ok#im not broken#just built different#and thats what mobility aids are there for
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Needlepoint choker I made that says "wolfling"!
#ignore how its almost p much my url thats a bit cringe#its just my favourite self descriptor#it makes my hands hurt so much :( yay joint pain i love being young#i do wonder if theres ways to help that though. if anyone has any tips ill also google too but#it messes my hand up so bad i cant draw the next say but i have commission work -_- so like. but i enjoy needlepoint so much#it really has been taking me out of the world and i can spend hours doing it.
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Should make a pain killer that actually kills (or even touches) pain
#not that I have access to ultra hardcore stuff#but even when I had... pretty sure it was vicodine for my wisdom teeth; it didn't do a thing for me#cbd based stuff seems like it maybe helps; certainly does more than nsaids which do nothing for pain (great for inflammation though)#but I just... I'd really like something that actually makes my muscles and joints feel like... good; unpain#I'm sure it would be classified as addictive whatever it was but like... fuck man... I just want to not hurt#I can't tell if I have chronic pain cause... I kinda forget to pay attention when I'm hurting a lot of the time#I'll just... kinda realize I've been hurting bad all day and just not really focusing on it#and I also don't know how often it happens; if it's once a day or once a month or what; not great at noting that stuff down#but man... I don't even like most meds; so many meds either do nothing for me or make me feel like shit#like... benedril? however you spell it; someone gave me some once said it would help me sleep... help me be awake feeling like ass more lik#but like... love to see if muscle relaxants actually like... relaxed my muscles; but you get it; you get why I'll never be able to try it#though honestly I think therapeutic massage might help me a lot#but my doc says that really only gets authorized by physical therapy and... well for me physical therapy is useless#cause I forget to do the exercise; like it's me failing a physical therapy; not a probably with physical therapy#if I ever think I can keep up with it I'd love to try physical therapy for my back again; but I don't want to waste all my chances at it#not when... I descriptively didn't do it when I was in it before; I'd never remember to do any of the exercises#anyway; bonus story from when I was in urgent care when the infection came back (that's still never been solved)#I tell the doc 'last time it tore open a drainage hole it was the worst pain I've ever felt'... cause it was#I said 'I'll need something a bit stronger than an nsaid cause the nsaid did nothing but cut inflammation last time'#she's like 'don't worry; I got you'... wanna guess what she gave me? a newer nsaid#it didn't do shit; I was just lucky and it wasn't as painful... maybe the old drainage hole tore open easier this time#but I didn't even take the nsaid she prescribed; so I'm gonna say it wasn't that med helping#like I get it; you don't want to give opioids... and would it shock you to know that wasn't what I was looking for either#there's gotta be something between nsaid and fentynol man#...well... maybe the cdb has almost got my muscles... hurting less at least; only taken all this time I've been writing#they still hurt for sure... I don't know... get tired; you know?#mm tag so i can find things later
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i’ve been having dull cramps since my period ended over a week ago…like it usually stops until ovulation at least, but i’ve had cramps every fucking day.
#personal#i know i keep complaining about my pain on here#but i am lowkey scared#my main thing has been these cramps and joint pain in almost every joint in my body#especially my leg joints and wrists#i’m still suspecting endo#but i probably won’t be able to go to a doctor for a month or so
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dry swallowing pills is my stupidest flex. i'm not even showing off anymore i'm just impatient
#this post brought to you by#the breakfast of champions#(a monster energy and a naproxen)#and my decision at a rather young age to figure out how to do it because sometimes juggling pills and water in your mouth is too difficult#obviously small dry ones are easier#gel caps and large pills are a lot more difficult *mostly* due to size#but the gels are also more prone to sticking to me accidentally on the way down which is Super Uncomfortable#that said i learned my technique on the dayquil gel caps when those were relatively new and thus the ergonomic tech on the cap shape/size#wasn't quite there yet but they did catch up#and also my hips which i think are the actual problem and not my lower back which is...really annoying mostly lmao#i can FIX lower back if that's wrong#idk how to un-dislocate (i assume) my whole pelvis and put it back into place properly#that post about ripping your spine out and fixing it manually out in the open but for the rest of the skellybones#that's how i feel#on the plus side something *did* big major pop back into place last night and i imagine at least some of this pain is related#but like#ow#that's not very nice and kind of you Mr. Pelvic Area#if my hips didn't part like god commanded them to make way for his people to escape egypt once a month every month#i probably wouldn't HAVE this issue#i'm Stretching i'm Moving as much as i'm fucking capable i'm Learning How Far Is Too Far and i'm just like#why isn't it WORKING#what am i doing WRONG#and it's just that my body hates me specifically and doesn't want me to have a good time hardly ever#also probably my hip joints are related to this#i'm relatively certain i have mild hip dysplasia (or however it's spelled) as well as the hypermobility#which i'm just assuming at this point is EDS due to all the other factors involved but like fucking hell#it's almost like a fucking chronic illness that causes pain regularly or something#i wanna speak to the manager of bones#i've got some Choice Fucking Words for them
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i just made the connection that the reason I've always hated computer mice is because the joints in my hands are underdeveloped
I've never successfully used a mouse without pain or discomfort
since my first laptop in 2011 i have always preferred to use the trackpads, even buying the fancy apple bluetooth one last year to use on the desktop computers at work and school
#not surprised at all i just think it's neat#disability#chronic pain#fibromyalgia#do we know what specific developmental condition i have yet? nope#but everything in my body is just kind of fucked#i didn't even realize how clear the hand joint thing was until a friend pointed out that i didn't have adult knuckles#i make a fist and it's almost completely smooth#i used to assume it was a weight thing but i was paying attention to other people's joints and it's definitely not a weight thing#i just genuinely don't have fully developed joints#anyways the disability aid of the day is a bluetooth trackpad for computers#especially programmable ones with shortcuts
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im very quickly learning that im double jointed/hypermobile in all my joints, including my hips and knees. as ive been losing the ability to stop them from hyperextending, when i walk i have to take a significant amount of care to keep my legs from willy nilly rotating about my hip and knee sockets. its incredibly bizarre and becoming notably visible if i dont try to stop it.
thats basically a long winded way of saying my life is now a living hell where i have to constantly expend energy to avoid walking about like this:
#NOT QUITE EXACTLY THAT STANCE#but not far off its more like my feet will flair out at almost a 180 angle and as i step the leg rotates too far in the socket#its as gnarly as it sounds#but my priorities are like....sure yeah ok i need to stop it to prevent horrible joint pain and long term damage#but reason number one is i cannot go out in public john lennon walking everywhere
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Why do doctors never acknowledge cases where losing weight actually actively makes you feel worse lmao
#els.txt#weight talk#I lost almost 100lbs due to a combination of medication illness and being tired of doctors treating my weight as a cause#rather than a symptom. and guess what? my joint pain and inflammation levels are actually WORSE#I mean I know why
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#saved some little lives today hopefully👍#they were doing as well as can be expected by the end of my shift at least#which i stayed almost 2 hours late lol im exhausted and my body hurts so muchhhhhh#if the underappreciation doesnt kill me the joint pain will#life with shannon
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