#my heart hurts tremendously for people i care about and also for myself

[socalledfreethinker]

life used to hurt so badly, all of the time.

and then it didn’t. life was so good and wonderful and all i could see were the positive things in life. years spent largely with people i loved and who loved me.

and now it hurts again. and it is lonely. and the world feels a little more awful every day.

but now i know.

the hurt went away last time, so it can go away again. just gotta be patient.

[niiine]

𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑

Character(s). Xiao x GN!Reader, Lumine, mentions of Yanfei.

Synopsis. Lumine never like meddling with other people’s  business if they don’t want her to, much less their relationship, but this time, Xiao left her no choice.

Mild Angst & Fluff

Lumine is reader’s close friend 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 come on she can’t always be the one that the reader is jealous of

NOT PROOFREAD, please don’t expect.

Ending sucks because it’s me. I can’t write endings ffs.

Got the idea when I’m re-watching the chasm scene where Zhongli saves Xiao’s life. My (our) hubby looks so fine tryna save everyone sacrificing himself 😳

“They're gonna kill you.” Traveler’s voice earned a wince from the yaksha who are still trying to walk straight after the incident in the chasm. They’ve been stuck for days, if not a whole week, inside the tremendous place and the final act really did took a toll on his body.

He let out a barely audible tsk as Lumine guided his form to sit somewhere comfortable. Only when he’s settled that he voiced out his concern.

“Please don’t tell her” his golden eyes look anywhere but hers, knowing that she had that judgmental stare decorating her small face. “No.”

Her sharp refusal made Xiao snap his gaze onto her, he didn’t hear her right, right? But the looks on her face tells him otherwise. “But they’re going to feel bad about this” he gritted his teeth like a kid, and his companion is reminded how much the Adeptus in front of her loves you so much to the point that making you sad is one of the last things he’ll do.

But if he really wants you to be happy, he must learn how to take care of his self as well.

“Yes. And it’s your fault,” sometimes the traveler’s bluntness hit a certain painful spot.

“So, I’m going to tell them that you almost sacrifice yourself again despite promising that you’ll be careful every.single.time.” The blonde made sure to emphasize her points, and although Xiao appreciate her concern for you, he just doesn’t want to see you crying because he messed up again.

“I’ll let her know myself then” he tried to argue, hoping that he can at least make a little bit more nice in the ears, but Lumine knows that he’ll hide certain facts to protect your feelings—don’t get it wrong, she loves you so much that she also doesn’t want to hurt you, but she’s aware how broken hearted you’ll be if Xiao keeps doing this to himself— so she will do this herself.

“And I will also let her know. You can’t keep hurting yourself without thinking of their feelings, Xiao. What if something happened to you for real? Don’t you know that it’ll send her to an even deeper despair?” Once again, she reprimanded the man, because aside from being your friend she treasures, he also is a dear companion to her.

“I’m gonna tell (name), and you’re gonna listen to everything she says” She huffed, preparing in her mind what to tell you as too keep the damage and worry on minimum. Although all her thoughts left her when she heard Paimon gasped and your sweet voice fill both hers and Xiao’s ears.

Yanfei came across you and told you the whereabouts of your boyfriend, making it easier to find your beloved.

“Tell me what?” Ahh, Xiao missed that sound so much.

“Love,” the green haired adeptus proceeds to reach out to you as far as his damaged body can do, distress and concern flooded your eyes as you run towards him, gentle finger scanning his battered form.

“What happened?” as much as he can’t stand to hear the uneasiness laced on your voice, he also can’t help but to succumb on your touches. He missed you so dearly. Receiving no response from your lover, you turned your head towards your friend, who’s already looking at you.

“And you, too! You look so pale and weak…” You noticed how frail the two of them look and a sob escaped your lips, you were about to speak again when Lumine beat you to it. Saying that she’s fine, and then proceeds to tell you everything that happened. After her explanation, Lumine offered to teleport you and Xiao in the Wangshuu Inn where he can rest comfortably. After bidding her farewell, with a bit of light scolding from you, you then turned towards Xiao who are currently draped in your shared bed, he’s not looking at you direct in the eyes, almost ashamed of what he had done.

“I’m sor—”

“I can’t stand this.”

His golden orbs darted into yours, swirling emotions forming into heavy heartbeat as his chest tightens at your words. No, please don’t say you’ll leave.

“(Name)” he tried to stand up to reach you out, but his body failed him. “I have told you before, Xiao” no, please don’t call him that. Where’s the usual Love? or Dearest? Or Beloved?

His crestfallen face stares at you pleadingly, and on normal occasions, you have give in. But you don’t want him to abuse his self anymore, and if you don’t want him to keep tormenting the both of you, then you must prevail.

“I can stand you being unromantic, or cold from time to time, I understand that you’re not a mortal who do silly things. But heavens, I can’t take it if you’re putting yourself in danger every time.”

He noticed how your eyes glistens from the tears, but his heart breaks at the sight of you standing so far away from him, reminding him that he’s the reason you’re unreachable sometimes.

Mustering all the remaining strength he has, he tried to stand up once again, he can’t have you going farther. His digits caressed your cheeks, and your eyes look up at him, turbulent storms raging at his touch.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise. Please don’t leave me.”

“You better don’t. Because I hate thinking that I’m not important for you to throw yourself like that,” you sobbed against his chest “I love you, Xiao. I don’t know what I’ll do if I ever lose you.”

He kissed your forehead, whispering his own affirmations. Archons, he really doesn’t like seeing you like this.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Caroline Giuliani for Vanity Fair:

I am constantly asking myself how America is back here, even considering the possibility of electing Donald Trump again, after all of the damage he has caused, both in office and since. While Kamala Harris has gained extraordinary momentum by infusing this election with vitality and hope, I worry that too many Americans remain disconnected from the visceral, psychologically draining memory of Trump’s deeply destabilizing presidency. If enough people truly remembered what that chaos felt like, another Trump term wouldn’t even be on the table. But for those open to seeing the bare and unvarnished truth, there are unmistakable reminders of Trump’s destructive trail all around us, and it has broken my heart to watch my dad become one of them.

As Rudy Giuliani’s daughter, I’m unfortunately well-suited to remind Americans of just how calamitous being associated with Trump can be, even for those who are convinced he’s on their side. Watching my dad’s life crumble since he joined forces with Trump has been extraordinarily painful, both on a personal level and because his demise feels linked to a dark force that threatens to once again consume America. Not to disregard individual accountability in the slightest, but it would be naive for us to ignore the fact that many of those closest to Trump have descended into catastrophic downward spirals. If we let Trump back into the driver’s seat this fall, our country will be no exception.

My dad and I have a cartoonishly complicated relationship. But he is still my father, and despite his faults, I love him. I’ve seen him experience surreal heights, and, now, unfathomable lows. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, especially when he’s already down. Plus we never know how much time we have left with our parents. The totality of that makes this the most difficult piece I’ve ever written. Yet this moment and this election are so much bigger than any of us.

From reproductive rights and the economy, to foreign and environmental policy, we need experienced, sane, and fundamentally decent leaders who will fight for us instead of against us—who will safeguard our democracy rather than dismantle it. And as a recently engaged-to-be-married, 35-year-old who hopes to feel more joyous than fearful about the potential of becoming a parent myself, I need to advocate for a future worth bringing children into, which is why I am voicing my adamant support for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz. I’ll never forget the night my dad told me he was considering becoming Trump’s lawyer. I was with him at the Grand Havana Room, a cigar bar at the top of 666 Fifth Avenue, an address too fitting given the unholy alliance my father was about to enter into.

[...] Beyond the existential importance of this election, I am also voting for Harris because she is the only candidate who cares about my rights as a woman. The reversal of Roe v Wade was a shocking and horrifying “accomplishment” of Trump’s that has already resulted in the unforgivable and unnecessary deaths of innocent women like Amber Nicole Thurman. Seeing Republican state officials enact draconian abortion bans and threaten fertility care is incredibly personal for me. As a woman in my 30s struggling with long-covid-related health issues, there’s a possibility that my soon-to-be husband and I will need to rely on surrogacy or fertility treatments if we want to have children of our own. Having the means to even consider surrogacy is a tremendous privilege that I do not take lightly, but it also stirs up many complex and challenging emotions. So I’ve spent the last couple of years talking to countless women about their fertility journeys. Witnessing their strength has been inspiring, and it has also made it clear that fertility struggles necessitate tremendous courage and grace. So the fact the Roe reversal has given states the leeway to make the IVF process even more uncertain is a disgrace. And hearing Trump flip-flop on the issues of abortion and IVF only makes me trust him less – if that’s even possible – because his lies are so clearly politically motivated. He’s already caused irreparable damage, and I don’t believe for a second that he won’t cause more.

Trump has tried to distance himself from Project 2025, which would “explicitly reject the notion that abortion is health care” and require the Department of Health and Human Services Department to preclude doctors and nurses from being trained to perform abortions, but his insincere denial so clearly stems from his growing political insecurity. Project 2025’s contributors include several high-ranking officials from Trump’s first administration, and one of Project 2025’s authors, Russell Vought, was secretly recorded acknowledging that Trump is in fact “very supportive” of what they do. I believe it, because everything in Project 2025, from eradicating the Department of Education and FEMA, to decimating unions and reinstating schedule F so that the administration can hire and fire government employees for political reasons, is woefully in line with the malfeasance and backsliding that Trump has already proven he stands for. It is a dictator’s playbook—one he didn’t have before. Trump will be much more effective a second time around, and I don’t see how our world can survive it.

We live at a crossroads in history, where the future of not only our democracy but our planet is at stake. Trump’s first-term position on the Climate Crisis was to call it a hoax while stripping away climate regulations and giving the fossil fuel industry everything they wanted and more. His second-term agenda, which we can foresee through his grotesque Project 2025 playbook, will only accelerate the damage he’s already done. My dream of becoming a mom, coupled with the difficult health journey I’ve been on over the last few years, has me constantly grappling with our increasingly toxic and dangerous environment. But I do feel hope. Because Kamala Harris understands the grave danger of climate change. As only the second presidential candidate in history to be endorsed by Scientific American, she’ll be a champion for our children’s futures by reinstating the United States as a member of the Paris Agreement and continuing to fight for renewable energy policy. We’ve seen remarkable progress on this issue under the Biden/Harris Inflation Reduction Act. Trump would roll it all back. Kamala Harris is our only chance for a better future. Even though the last few years have been some of the most difficult of my life on a personal level, I’m grateful to live in a country that came together once before to fire a burgeoning tyrant. 

[...] Take it from me, Trump destroys everything he touches. I saw it happen to my family. Don’t let it happen to yours, or to our country. Kamala Harris will guide us into a brighter future, but only if we unite behind her. On November 5th, I’ll be voting for that future. For justice, stability, and democracy. And I sincerely hope you’ll cast your ballot for Kamala Harris, too.

Caroline Giuliani wrote in Vanity Fair the warning that his dad’s joining forces with Donald Trump led to family splits (not unlike with Kellyanne Conway and both Claudia and George on differing sides), and that she endorsed Kamala Harris to be the 47th President.

[she-said-hello]

Honest question. Do you not feel a little weird engaging with Emma knowing she’s 18 (legal yes) but still have a year left in HS (assuming from her asks responses) and that you’re 24? I know we all have different perspectives but I’m 20 and I honestly can’t imagine myself talking or nevertheless be in a relationship with someone younger than me, let alone someone that’s still in HS 😬 I hope you’re not taking advantage… I’ve seen and read so many wlw relationships that have experiences like that and it’s heartbreaking… it’s about the maturity level too so idk

i've answered asks like this multiple times and it's been really difficult every time. seeing people explicitly accuse me of taking advantage of someone who i care so deeply about and who i have made sure to always treat fairly and as an equal to me is so disappointing. emma is an adult and capable of making decisions for herself. i can guarantee if she felt as if i were mistreating her or taking advantage of her, she wouldn't still be talking to me. i have never forced her or manipulated her into doing anything, she has made all of her own decisions and judgments about me on her own.

if you had asked me before i met emma if i would prefer/choose to be romantically involved with someone 6 years younger than me, i would have told you no. but i've found lately that i don't feel like age means shit anymore. i have been hurt tremendously by extremely immature adults in my life. i have friends in their late 20's-30's who still act like children and have never dealt with any hardships in their lives whatsoever. i know people my age who i can't even slightly relate with because they don't have any similar experiences and their outlook on life is so different from mine. age has had nothing to do with how much i have connected with people in the past. emma isn't some little kid with no life experience and no thought processes of her own. and i don't see her for her age but for her experiences, personality, heart, wisdom, etc.

it wasn't until a few days ago that i found out that she is still in school, it's something that was kept from me but that we're working through. however, it doesn't change the way i feel about her as a person or her maturity level or anything like that. but i also don't feel it's fair to say i'm weird for "engaging with a high schooler" when i had been under the impression that she was out of school since 16. regardless, it doesn't matter. the fact that she had some setbacks in her childhood that led to her still being in school is not a negative to me. i'm very proud of her for continuing her education despite all she has been through. she is very strong and incredibly smart and determined and i admire her for that. if that makes me a "creep" then okay, but i am not taking advantage of her. i never have and never will.

i guess this is what i get for putting myself and my relationships online for people to judge, but man, the judgement never hurts any less no matter how many times i receive it. people are entitled to their own opinions but you also have to realize you never know the full story and it's hard to have a fully educated opinion when all you see is surface level stuff that we have allowed the internet to be a part of. there is so much more that will only ever stay between emma and i because we are the only two people who genuinely matter in this situation. but i think i'm realizing i can't handle putting myself out there like i initially thought i could. maybe this isn't the place for me to express myself anymore.

[brrrkdslek]

CHAPTER 3 ― FORSAKEN FUTURE

🂱 an event known as 'THE PULSE' occurs worldwide, granting a significant portion of the population extraordinary abilities. you, a grieving mother, encounters a group of boys while seeking refuge. the newfound group navigates a changing society while uncovering the truth behind the pulse.

🂱 ot8 x fem! reader

🂱 thriller, mystery, superhero, action, written

🂱 blood, gore, death

🂱 2.4k

🂱 EMERGENCE. mlist

RUBBING YOUR SWEATY PALMS TOGETHER, you stare up at the tall men. "can i help you with something?" you ask in a foreign language, tilting your head with wide eyes, trying to seem as confused as possible. the men shared a look with each other before turning around and continued to walk towards the lift.

you slowly walked away and out of the lobby, then you started to sprint away with tears in your eyes. you could've died, honestly. as you boarded the bus, you text seonghwa to let him know that you're nearing the park.

a ding was heard from seonghwa's phone as he stood in the small park with sunglasses and a mask on to shield his identity from the people around him. he'd grown anxious when he saw the news of his and your face revealed on tv, government demanding that you two would be handed over and would pay a hefty sum to anybody that found one of you two.

he opened the message and sighed in relieve upon realising you were on your way and possibly safe. seonghwa began to think again, where should you two go for the time being?

your homes are probably being broken into about now. everyone that knows you two wants to hand you over to the government, and some even wanted them dead on sight. he sighed, why did this happen anyways? and why him?

his thoughts were cutoff when he felt a hand pat his shoulder. looking up from the ground, he sees you smiling at him, also in full disguise. seonghwa lets out a sigh in relieve as he pulls you into a hug, "i'm so glad you're safe." pulling away, you giggle at the man. "what is there to worry about? i am a grown adult and can take care of myself!"

you two shared a few laughs while walking towards the parking lot together. "also, where are we staying?" seonghwa smiles at the ground, "there's this abandoned neighbourhood near my middle school that me and my old friends stayed at when we were still in school," he felt his heart ache at the memory, "we used to go there all the time until we graduated, i'm pretty sure it's still there."

you nodded and entered the car's passenger seat, seonghwa jogging over to the other side and gets in, starting the car. he puts in a location on his phone, dongdaemun-gu. you've heard of the place before, apparently it was abandoned when the terrorist group broke out in 2030.

you stare out the window as seonghwa drove past the bustling streets. the entire world in shambles with the new occurence of powers in some people, reports estimated 2/3rd of the human population as most people were on the streets at the time.

as the car came to a stop at the red light, your eyes catch a young man with split black and white hair, running past the streets in a hurry, speaking with every person that passed by anxiously. you blinked a few times as the car started again, taking your focus away from the man.

hongjoong remembers the crying faces of his friends begging him not to go. he had been offered a spot at kq entertainment to become an underground idol, of course he accepted. hongjoong had wanted this for as long as he could remember.

although it hurt him tremendously to break the groups' promise, he reminded himself of the one in a million chances of this offer, and that promises couldn't always be kept.

as he progressed further into the music industry, hongjoong quickly grew famous and his music had gotten a lot of recognition. it was everything he's ever wanted, but something was missing.

recently, the overwhelming guilt was taking over him. every time he closed his eyes, he would envision the crying faces of his friends, reaching out to him, begging him to stay. his promise, his friends. everything fell to shambles because he left, but he didn't know that.

hongjoong was taking a stroll outside when he shivered at the sudden gush of wind against his skin, making goosebumps appear on his arms. he checks his watch and curses himself, he was running late for the meeting.

hongjoong began to run past the crowd of people and to the opposite direction quickly. suddenly, he teleported out of thin air from a portal. upon running out of said portal, he comes crashing into a pile of garbage, "fuck!" hongjoong sat up and rubbed his head, looking around.

"what... why am i here?" he mumbled to himself as tears pooled in his eyes. standing up, hongjoong dusted himself off and walked around the all too familiar neighbourhood. he broke down upon seeing the scribbles of the group name 'ATEEZ' on the tree, the mark still fresh as he trailed over it.

"excuse me?" hongjoong turns around, and is met with... himself. younger hongjoong's eyes widen as he stepped backwards, "why-why do you look... exactly like," he glups, "me?" hongjoong's tears threatened to spill as he stepped forward and held the younger's arms tightly.

"you-" hongjoong cut himself off. he shouldn't be doing this, if he could really travel through time, then that means he could alter the current timeline and history. hongjoong bit back a sob as he cups his younger self's face, "hongjoong-ah..." the younger held onto his hands, "yes?" "please, no matter what you do- just please,"

hongjoong strokes his cheek, "don't regret it. no matter what, no matter what it costs, do not regret any decisions you make." he spoke sternly with bloodshot eyes. the younger processes his words for a few seconds before confusingly nodded.

"hyung!" hongjoong's heart clenched upon hearing the voice of wooyoung and the others. he mutters a quick apology to the boy before dashing the other direction, leaving the boy stunned.

as he ran in the opposite direction, a ripple of black lighting tears around his body, opening another portal right in front of his eyes. before he could respond, his body runs straight through, and into the portal.

opening his eyes, he sees the same neighbourhood. however, it was in ruins. hongjoong's hands shake as he picked up a piece of newspaper buried under the rubbles, the headline reads: 'the end of the world!' hongjoong sacredly reads the date of the newspaper, november 17th, 2038, which was a few weeks away from current day.

hongjoong panicked and began running around, searching for a sign of life, even if it was a body. and a body he did find, seonghwa's. hongjoong stared at the lifeless body of his best friend, forehead covered in blood and grime, lip busted and fingers twisted in all sorts of directions.

hongjoong covers his mouth with his hand, turning around and quickly threw up his breakfast. grimacing at the lasting taste of vomit, he moved across seonghwa and over the small hill which was held up by the rubbles. over it were the bodies of the remaining friends, and a random woman whom he had never seen before.

hongjoong's eyes widen, but why? why did all of them die? and why wasn't he here? squeezing his fist, the newspaper crumples in his hand, turning his full attention on it. he reads through the paragraph;

'on this day, the rebel group 'halateez' will be coming to an end as one of the members, kim hongjoong, had teamed up with the government in secret. they plan to drop a nuclear bomb in the centre of the abandoned area also known as their hideout, dongdaemun-gu.

'halateez' will be rid of for good, stepping out of the way of the government's work. citizens wonder what could've persuaded hongjoong into joining forces with the governor? though it wouldn't matter as he would live on to be the governor's right-hand man.'

hongjoong drops the piece of paper to the ground. he did this? he killed his friends? dropping to the ground, hongjoong begins to sob into his palms, he was so confused.

teleporting out of nowhere, meeting his younger self out of nowhere and finding out that he will kill his friends out of nowhere. he drops the paper as it drops on the other side, words scribbled in black. 'IT WAS A TRAP, EVERYONE'S DEAD.' getting up, he begins to run again. just praying, hoping he'd go back to the reality he had known so well, and he did.

the rippling black lightning flashes but it suddenly stops as a figure blocks his path, knocking him to the ground. "what the fuck-" he furrows his brows in frustration. looking up, his features soften as he stares at himself.

his stomach turns at how he looked only two weeks into the future; large eyebags decorating his face, a large scar stretching his mouth open, only held close with the cross-stitches, dried blood staining in random areas on his face, covered in grime and bloodshot eyes screaming in pain.

"what happened-" "park seonghwa." hongjoong blinked, "...what?" future hongjoong stepped forward as hongjoong backed away, "jeong yunho," hongjoong gulped, "kang yeosang, choi san, song mingi," hongjoong internally sweatdropped at the mentions of his friends' names.

"jung wooyoung, choi jongho and l/n y/n." he pulled at the fabric of his shirt, "who's y-" future hongjoong grips hongjoong's shoulders, "these are the people you'll end up killing if you don't pull yourself together!" hongjoong stiffened as other hongjoong screamed in his face.

"what are you talking about-" "they're your friends, they're your family! don't you ever forget that, kim hongjoong." hongjoong's heart was beating in his ears, he was absolutely terrified at waht was happening right now.

"don't abandon them like you did back then," hongjoong's eyes began filling with tears again, "don't leave them alone, don't betray them..." future hongjoong's grip falters as he falls to the ground, sobbing in despair. "but i-" "there's no time!' future hongjoong sniffles and pushes hongjoong away, "teleport right now or you'll be stuck here forever!" "what, why-"

"if the same entity is exposed to themselves in the future or past for over ten minutes, they'll both cease to exist!" hongjoong's eyes widen, as he felt his head begin to pound. "but how do i tele-" "feel it, want it! you have to imagine the feeling, the spark, the environment, everything!"

hongjoong gulps as he begins running in the opposite direction in a hurry, "remember they're family and they love you, hongjoong!" a tear leaves hongjoong's eye as runs forward, passing the bodies of his beloved friends.

he feels the sudden jolt surge through his body, black lightning bolts surrounding him as he disappears into thin air, yet again. upon arriving back into the 'real' world, he stumbles and falls into an alleyway, totally out of it.

he holds his stomach as he throws up again next to the garbage can due to the amount of times he had traveled to god knows where. rays of pain shoots into his veins and his vision becomes blurry as he lays his back against the wall, breathing heavily.

'these must be side effects.' hongjoong made a mental note to keep track of his symptoms. regaining his composure, he runs out of the alleyway, still wobbling with his face covered in grime and begins rambling on to random pedestrians about a bomb that will be dropped, bringing the world to it's extinction.

of course he was brushed off as an insane psychopath who smelt like ass. hongjoong stops after a while and returns to his studio, earning an earful from his manager. 'so time moves along with wherever i am. if i've traveled into the past and future for about twenty minutes, it means twenty minutes have passed here.'

"yes, he's here." his train of thoughts were cut off when two large men in suits grabbed hongjoong by his arms, dragging him out of the room. "yah! what the hell, get off me!" he thrashed and pulled against them, as they didn't even budge.

hongjoong was about to give up until he remembers that he has powers now. he mentally calculated the two times he had traveled into the past and future, both running but only in the opposite directions. unfortunately, one place came to mind as future hong's words repeated in his mind.

'feel it, want it! you have to imagine the feeling, the spark, the environment, everything!' hongjoong closes his eyes, remembering the surge of lightning in his veins, making his body feel light. he takes a deep breath and pull himself backwards, making the men slightly wobble as he immediately launch himself forward.

looking back, his breath hitched as he sees everything in slow-motion. the men were tumbling onto the ground slowly, the painting on the wall creaks at a slow pace. the only thing that was moving normally was him. as he begins thinking, the moment comes to a stop and the men lands on their asses onto the ground.

he manifests his powers again and cross his fingers, hoping he'd teleport to where he had in mind and snapped his finger. surprised at how easy it was to command his teleportation, he looked around and pumped his fist in the air as he landed successfully in the designated location he had in mind, dongdaemun-gu.

he sighs as the nostalgic feeling hits him like a truck. he walks around and smiles at the memories he and his friends had made in this abandoned shithole. it was still messy with trash littered everywhere, more graffiti had appeared since the last time he'd been here.

as he enters one of the houses, the familiar scent of oakwood and coffee fills his nose, bringing tears to his eyes. he looks around the dirty house, everything in the exact same places, making him smile. "huh, who are you?" hongjoong turns around to see the figure walking towards him.

you couldn't see his face due to the light shining behind him, putting your hands forward you push the male away, zapping him in the process. "oh my god!" hongjoong covers his mouth with his hands as the man falls limp onto the ground, "fuck- oh, shit... uh, sir? are you- are you o-"

his eyes widen at the familiar face he saw, it was yunho.

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©BRRRKDSLEK 2023

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #591

Top Ten Moments in Indiana Jones Movies

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a new Indiana Jones movie. Directed by James Mangold – who made Cop Land, Walk the Line, and Logan – it stars the 108-year-old Harrison Ford, Fleabag, and that bloke who always plays baddies playing a baddie. It’s called The Dial of Destiny and based on nothing but my own assumptions (and the fact that it seems as if Mads Mikkelsen’s Nazi ne’er-do-well might not have aged between 1944 and 1969) that it’s gonna have something to do with time travel. I reckon Karen Allen’s Marion Ravenwood – last seen marrying Dr. Henry Jones Jr – has died (sniff) and when he gets his hand on this “Dial of Destiny”, Indy’s gonna have a moral moment a bit like at the end of Last Crusade, where he could put this immense power out of enemy hands for good, or use it himself to bring his wife back.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong.

Anyway, to celebrate the release of Dial of Destiny I actually re-watched all four prior Indy films this year. I could rank them, but there’s, like, four, so it’s not really a top ten. But then I thought, well, what are the best moments in the movies? Because these are films just built on moments. Even the lesser ones have some tremendous action scenes, fight scenes, stuntwork, and prolonged chases. Crystal Skull – the much-maligned fourth outing – is at its best when it’s on the hoof, with a great warehouse escape in the opening sequence, a bike chase through a university, and a chase through the jungle that ends up going down a waterfall. These are excellent moments of action cinema that really showcase just how adept at this sort of stuff Spielberg is.

And Crystal Skull isn’t even the best film! I mean, it’s not the worst either, but it’s down there a little bit.

What I’m trying to say is that the whole Indy saga is just a phenomenally well-constructed series of breakneck, nail-biting, expertly choreographed action scenes. I’m not really sure why Spielberg isn’t talked about more as an action director, because he stages the heck out of these things, and is capable of not only giving us exciting cinema, not only framing it in such a way as to be decipherable and easy to follow, but also injects a huge amount of humour and heart and character into these things. From the very first moments of Raiders, we have the core tenants defined: yes, it’s a great, exciting, action set piece; but it’s also inventive (the idol, the arrows, the boulder!). It shows Indy’s ingenuity and knowledge but also his fallibility; he cocks up by mistaking the weight of the idol and so triggering the booby traps. He runs hell for leather, appears knackered and beaten down (we also have that sublime moment where grabs a vine, thinks he’s safe, cracks a relieved smile, and then the vine starts to tear away and he panics again). Then he’s captured, taunted, has the idol taken from him, but manages to escape anyway with arrows raining down around him. And he hates snakes! He hates ‘em!

The boulder scene hasn’t made this list, shockingly; yes, I’m even angry with myself. But bloody hell fire, there’s just so much in these films. Almost every one of them has at least three or four simply phenomenal action scenes. There are absolute all-time iconic scenes here. Any list of the best action scenes of all time ever that didn’t include at least one Indiana Jones sequence is not to be trusted. And yeah, okay, whilst there may have been a little bit of trying to give every film a fair shake here, I do think that all of them have their merits and then some. Even the really stupid bit in Temple of Doom when they jump out of an aeroplane in a dingy is still a cool stunt.

All this said and still I think the best thing about Indy is the heart and humanity of the series. Yeah, okay, I guess he’s a cad and a bit of a graverobber and all that, but the whole franchise is about how, deep down, he cares so damn much. He believes in stuff. He loves people. He gets hurt but he keeps getting back up again. And again, and again, and again, long after he probably, realistically, should have stopped making these films. Which is why not all of these moments are really action – some of them are drama and some of them are comedy. But we still have that propulsive excellence that defines these movies.

Indiana. Let it go.

The truck chase (Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981): one of the greatest stunts in history as far as I’m concerned. It’s a great car chase which features clambering over and around trucks, people getting punched out of windows, and – oh my god – the classic Stagecoach-riffing moment where Vic Armstrong crawls underneath a moving truck and edges his way to the rear before climbing up the back of the vehicle. It’s stunning. And, again, it’s a sequence that features so many great Ford reaction shots and instances of him getting battered.

The tank chase (The Last Crusade, 1989): another excellent chase through the sand, with Indy once more going on and around a large moving vehicle. Here, though, we have multiple things going on, with Henry and Marcus in the tank, and Sallah helping out on horseback. There’s great ingenuity – the rock in the gun barrel – and ups and downs as our heroes score minor victories and then get clonked on the head. And then the tension of Indy trapped on the barrel, about to hit a rock, and then the glorious gag of the tank going over the cliff and a bedraggled Indy joining his companions as they stare over the edge.

The Brody cut (Crusade): yep, not really an action beat, but I did just say “moments”! This is such a funny bit and one of the best jump cut edits of all time. We slowly track in on Indy as he taunts the Nazis with Marcus Brody’s skills and accomplishments; “with a little luck, he’s found the Grail already.” Smash cut: Brody walking through a market loudly asking if anyone speaks English. What more is there to say? He got lost in his own museum.

“Let it go” (Crusade): still on Crusade, a film that’s one percent not quite as amazing as Raiders but is still just so damn good. This is almost an action scene as it’s a tense bit of stuntwork and effects as Indy falls into a crevice and stretches out to retrieve the Grail, his fingers touching it. The simplicity of his dad calling him “Indiana” for the one and only time in the movie – acknowledging his son’s choices, having grown to understand and accept them – is so touching it kicks Indy out of his Grail-mania and allows him to be saved, choosing life – and therefore death – over the Grail’s promise of immortality.

Anything Goes (Temple of Doom, 1984): my least-favourite of the four films (by a gnat’s wing) still has some blinding moments, including the best opening of the series. Spielberg scratches his musical itch about thirty-five years before West Side Story will a beautifully choreographed Busby Berkeley-esque dance sequence of chorus girls, and future Mrs. Spielberg Kate Capshaw singing in Mandarin. When Indy drinks poison and scrambles for an antidote there’s a knockabout, slapstick quality to the proceedings, with things getting kicked away amidst a riot and a fight, and then – and then! – they end up in a car chase through Shanghai, before the great final gag. Nice try, Lao Che!

The plane (Raiders): the story of the production of the plane fight is legendary – George Lucas snapping two wings off a model because it would be too expensive to build full-scale – but the sequence itself remains extraordinary. Another great example of Indy getting the shit kicked out of him, it’s also a great showcase for Marion as she batters a Nazi pilot with some chocks and attempts to steer the plane, its rotation – and spinning rotors – a recurring threat as Indy fights a Nazi man-mountain. After all the tension and drama of the fight, we get that great moment of gore as the spinning blades hit our adversary; just the right gruesomely funny coda to a terrific scene.

The castle escape (Crusade): the whole sequence with Indy and his dad in the Nazi castle is brilliant, with their banter just terrific right from the off, and then it evolves into another of those almost Rube Goldberg-like escalating action scenes. There’s the attempt to escape from being tied together on chairs, a rapidly escalating fire, and a secret revolving fireplace. And then, out of the castle, there’s a brilliant bike chase, with pursuing Nazis sent flying like Stormtroopers on speeder bikes. It all culminates in Henry’s brilliant speech about the Grail being life, about this being a battle against evil. So good.

Young Indiana (Crusade): prequels, eh? Whatcha gonna do? But here we see the most perfect prequel of all time – possibly because it’s only, like, fifteen minutes long or something. But in this microcosm we see every element of Indy, from the superficial to the significant. He gets his whip, he gets his hat, he gets the dinky little scar on his chin; but we also see his resolve, tenacity, his desire to preserve these ancient antiquities for the wider world… his fear of snakes. And we see the difficult relationship he had with his dad. It’s everything you need in a prequel, with a hot, charismatic, terrific actor playing the younger version of our hero. And it’s just so fun; the chase through the desert, the various train carriages… it’s an amazing opening sequence.

The mine karts (Doom): like the world’s best videogame level, this has ups, downs, and everything in between. To describe it as a rollercoaster isn’t doing it any justice; I think they actually did turn it into a rollercoaster. But this is just another one of those iconic sequences, with all the various jumps and spills, characters going in and out of different karts; so iconic, in fact, that it’s been homage and replicated time and again. Donkey Kong Country owes it a big debt, for instance. It does beg the question, though: why did the Thuggees build this crazy, impossible, multi-mile-long network of higgledy-piggledy train tracks? It makes no damn sense!

The bike chase (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2008): the scenes and sequences in Crystal Skull might not be quite as iconic – although the image of Indiana Jones, a WWII-era throwback to nineteenth century adventurer-explorers, framed against a mushroom cloud is pretty dramatic – but this prolonged fight-cum-chase is an excellent example of Spielberg’s inventive direction. Tapping into its fifties milieu, we have a greasers-versus-jocks brawl, and our heroes on a Harley pursued by sinister besuited figures, Indy moving in and out of vehicles (this is a franchise staple that I don’t think I’d quite clicked on until this list), at one point dragged along on foot, before the chase enters the university itself, riding through a library to allow Indy to give some advice to Tom Hanks’ son. It’s a wild, escalating action-packed sequence full of character and comedy, and shows that even after all this time the series still had it.

Another good bit from Crystal Skull? Jim Broadbent sadly reflecting that they’ve reached the age when life “takes more than it gives”. It has quite a nice, melancholy air that film, that’s often overlooked.

And, god, what bits haven’t I mentioned? Marion’s bar! Asps! Toht’s coat hanger! The bridge! The bugs! The zeppelin! They named the dog Indiana!

Anyway: Indiana Jones. Fab, innit?

[newchapterinmylife]

As many of you may know, I have been involved in some recent conflicts with a few members of our community - Assistant_Omega, lil miss horror, Cotton, Ace, and Kuma. And as much as I hate to admit it, my actions and behavior during those moments were not something I am proud of.

I have been struggling with anxiety and low self-esteem for a long time, and these insecurities have been the driving force behind my actions towards these individuals. I have always been afraid of being alone or abandoned, and the thought of being blocked by them felt like a personal rejection and abandonment.

In those moments, I felt like I was abandoned and they gave up on me without even giving me a chance to show them that I am capable of being a better person and friend. Instead of seeking help and support, I let my insecurities and anxiety turn into anger and hatred towards them.

Looking back, I realize that I was like a child throwing a tantrum, lashing out at those who were closest to me without any valid reason. I know that my behavior was immature and unacceptable, but I couldn't help it at that time. My insecurities and fear of being abandoned clouded my judgment and made me act impulsively.

But the truth is, I do care about Assistant_Omega, lil miss horror, Cotton, Ace, and Kuma more than anything in this world. And I regret the hurtful things I said and did during those moments of weakness. I know that I may have hurt them deeply, and for that, I am sincerely sorry.

I believe that if they had shown me love and support, and reminded me that they believed in me, I could have become a better version of myself and not have acted like a child. But instead, I let my inner demons consume me and ruin my relationships with them.

I also want to address the fact that I have previously claimed that I didn't care about these individuals. That was a lie, and I want to make it clear that I do care about them tremendously. I may have said those words in a moment of anger and frustration, but deep down, I know that my feelings for them are genuine.

I realize now that the reason why I lash out on people and ruin my friendships is that I am constantly holding onto my past actions and mistakes. Every time I try to move on and better myself, someone brings up my past and ruins it for me. I have been sabotaging my own growth and hurting those who care about me because I am too scared to leave my past behind and change for the better.

But I have had enough of this cycle. I am tired of hurting people and myself. I refuse to let my insecurities and anxiety control my life and ruin my relationships. I am ready to be an adult and take accountability for my actions. I am ready to be a truthful, caring, and respectful person who respects boundaries and is a better friend to those who have stood by me.

I am determined to bury the childish part of me that has caused so much harm and be reborn as a better and stronger person. And although I cannot change the past, I can work towards being a better version of myself in the present and future.

To Assistant_Omega, lil miss horror, Cotton, Ace, and Kuma, I am deeply sorry for my actions and words. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but even if you can't, I understand. I am still grateful for the time we spent together and the memories we shared.

To those who have been affected by my behavior, I am truly sorry. And to anyone who may be struggling with similar insecurities and anxiety, I urge you to seek help and support. Don't let it consume you like it did me. You are capable of being better, and you deserve happiness and healthy relationships.

I am ready to move on from the past and work towards building a better future for myself and others. I hope you can all forgive me and join me on this journey of growth and self-improvement. And for those who have already forgiven me, thank you for your unconditional love and support. It means more to me than you can ever know.

With love and sincerity,

[Your Name]

[keefwho]

March 23 - 2023

4:21 PM

It is mental health day and since I can’t think of anything I need to read up on, I should stick with an exercise or behavior change. I inadvertently gave myself a small challenge with lunch. I decided to make lentils with my rice a roni but the lentil I have are pretty old and an unfamiliar food in general. The reason I ate them though is because They are nowhere near their expiration date and from what I read, beans don’t really become bad after that anyways. Moreso inedible. So I had a full serving of the beans and I will not let myself think anything was wrong with them. I’m actually excited because I’m starting to figure out how to work with more raw ingredients. CHEAP ingredients that have a long shelf life. I’m interested in learning how to cook in my own way. I enjoy just putting simple things together like peasants did back in the 18th century. 

12:15 AM

Im up late but for a good reason. I wanted to spend time with someone very important before she’s gone all next week. Definitely worth sacrificing a little bit of sleep for, and having a late dinner. 

Earlier this evening I was in a position where I was prone to thinking nobody liked me. A CLASSIC problem. But I think I’m noticing the pattern enough to nullify it, at least sometimes. I literally just didn’t go down that rabbit hole of thinking. I knew that if I feel disconnected from others, the real problem is that I’m disconnected from myself. And I’m starting to find ways to deal with that. An effective method is to express myself however I know how. Basically to play, and I mean really “play”. Like Im a child again. Having some creative time where I actually don’t hold back helps me pinpoint what I “want” in an abstract sense. It really is all about expressing my feelings and getting to know them more. 

I also had a surprising conversation with a friend today. We discussed things like self growth, past traumas, and connections with others. I think it was important for me to have a sort of heart to heart like that with someone I can’t say I’m necessarily close with. Thats exactly the kind of thing I’ve been trying to explore. It also reminded me how effective it can be to just try to have a conversation with someone because you never know where it could go. One of my main initiatives right now is to talk to more people in meaningful ways. 

Another main goal is to be nicer to myself. Not just in my thoughts but with my actions. It can help to pretend I’m someone else giving me permission to practice a little self care. Like if I exited my body and told myself “take a break and watch your favorite stream for a couple hours, you deserve it.” 

On nights like this there is just too much for me to talk about and digest. I can’t get to it all. 

I’ve been worried about dependency a lot in the past but what I think I’m actually afraid of is being abandoned. I’ve been using fear of dependency as an excuse to limit how close I let myself get to people. Obviously dependency is something to keep in mind but I don’t think I have a problem with that. If I’m being honest with myself, I want strong connections. Connections that if they were lost, would hurt tremendously. I’m afraid of that tremendous pain but that fear robs me of the bonds I want to make. The solution I think is to simply let go of those fears and let myself commit to people in the ways I dream of. Its very similar with my anxiety where I just had to trust that my fears weren’t based on anything solid and I just had to trust that I was okay.

[ilovetobiko]

“If you found this note in a small wooden box with a heart on it, then *congratulations!* You are probably the first person to read this. I didn’t really plan on sharing this with anybody, but for some reason I think it’s exciting that somebody out there, a complete stranger, will come across this note and read my story. Someone I will never meet, sharing such a personal bond with me. I’m fascinated that either one of us could die — even as soon as tomorrow — with the other being completely clueless to the fact. To you, my entire life is within this note, and so I will live for as long as your memory can carry me. Writing this, I’m wondering if that makes you feel fascinated or violated. It’s so exciting.

I’m sorry if my story is a bit disorganized, but I’d like to get it down while it’s still fresh on my mind. First, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I’m a first-year college girl and have led, by most standards, a pretty unspectacular life up to this point. I grew up in an upper-middle class school district with decent teachers. I did track in middle school and some of high school, and I’ve had two boyfriends. Now, I’m studying for a career in occupational therapy, because I feel the field is undervalued and provides tremendous help to people.

I’m giving you this background because there’s this strange misconception that if you want to kill someone then you’re either sick in the head or you have anger management issues. But, it’s very apparent that I don’t fall into either of those categories. It’s true that most murder cases are in a domestic setting where someone loses control of their anger or something. But the thing is that those people kill under provocation, whether by a singular outburst or by a slow-burning series of misfortunes. Those people kill because in that brief moment, they want a specific someone, for a specific reason, to be hurt or killed.

What I’m talking about is wanting to kill someone for no specific reason, maybe just to see what it’s like. Do you ever get that? I wouldn’t know how others feel, because it’s not something I ever talked about. But I’ve been curious about what it’s like to kill someone ever since I was a child. Not killing anyone in particular, just a random person. It’s always just fascinated me that if I put my mind to it, I can approach anyone, and in five minutes they would be completely gone from this Earth.

But I’ve never done so for a couple of reasons. First of all, for most of my life it was logistically impossible for me to do it without getting caught. I only got my driver’s license a couple years ago, and even then, the preparations would take too much time, definitely stirring suspicion. It was only once I started college that I realized this was no longer an obstacle.

Another reason is that I was afraid of causing harm to too many people. You might laugh reading that, at how hypocritical it sounds. But, let me explain: Why should I feel bad about killing someone if they’re too dead to care? Who would I be feeling bad for? Contrarily, it’s the grief of the living that I’d rather not be responsible for. Because of this, I knew it would take a good deal of research before finding a suitable person to kill, and I’ve never had the means to do so — again, until I started college.

And now, having just experienced it, I’d say it was pretty satisfying in the end. Something I would try again? Probably not, since my curiosity has already been satisfied. It really wouldn’t be the same a second time.

But anyway, if by any chance you’re also curious to kill someone, then you’re welcome to take notes. :)

***

I started a hobby of people-watching soon after I entered college. People-watching is interesting to me because it’s taking one of the infinite extras in your life and turning them into a main character — without them knowing, of course. It’s so easy to forget that every single one of the hundreds of strangers you pass every day has a life story as deep and complex as your own. One thing I noticed about people-watching, and wanting to kill someone, is that you are in more constant awareness of this. When I find a person to observe, their story slowly becomes more clear to me over time, gaps being filled — it really is amazing.

I usually went to grocery stores on weekends and looked around in people’s shopping carts. If I saw something that interested me, I decided to observe the person for a little bit. Of course, since my goal was to find someone to kill, I ruled out anyone who had children or a partner with them. Wedding rings were another tell-tale sign.

So maybe once a weekend, I would find someone who fit my criteria, at which point I would follow them home and note their address. From there, it became incredibly easy to investigate a little bit more; most people have normal work hours, meaning I could spend afternoons going through their mail or looking around in their house. I repeated this with several people (and had one close call), but for varying reasons I didn’t really feel satisfied enough with them to kill any of them.

I started getting a bit impatient and thought that I might just settle for killing the man named Devon, even though I didn’t really want to kill someone wealthy. But then, I came across someone new — someone who just, felt perfect. The feeling only strengthened as I investigated her further, and I knew that she would be the one for me to kill.

A young-looking woman I met at the grocery store, as per usual. She was doing some light shopping with a basket. Her hair was wavy and dark brown, sitting inelegantly on her slumped shoulders and surrounding her tired-looking face. Her bare fingers told me she might be single, but beyond that, my gut was almost certain of it. This woman just seemed so…plain, really. I guess I felt a greater acuity for the personal lives of strangers ever since I started my people-watching. But the way she carried herself, I just got the feeling that if she suddenly died, nobody would be around to miss her. Of course, I still wanted to investigate her a bit.

I followed my usual routine of checking out her place during her work hours. I learned immediately from her mail that her name is Linda Watson. Linda lived in a quiet apartment complex, her mailbox easily accessible right outside her door. Instead of quickly shuffling through it, I decided I could take her mail back to my dorm and return it before she was finished with work (she only lived about 15 minutes from me). I did some research and learned how to open and reseal the envelopes without damaging them, which took some technique along with a hair dryer, rubbing alcohol, and Q-tips.

This made it easy for me to learn a little more about her. Linda was a 33-year-old woman who worked for a small accounting firm — I’d rather not name the place outright. Her birthday was December 11th which, coincidentally, was approaching in a couple weeks. I also managed to find a bank statement that gave me a nice look into how she’s been spending her past month. It was at this point I realized that my assessment of Linda Watson as an extremely plain woman was pretty spot-on, because there was absolutely nothing interesting on the list. A trip to Old Navy, a bunch of Starbucks, something about $40 from Amazon — no restaurants, no movies, nothing that would really imply she was spending any time socializing. That aside, I also found a cooking magazine, so I guess she was into cooking.

Apartments are harder to break into than suburban homes, because there are fewer doors and windows. Every time I got Linda’s mail, I would check the front door and the windows in the back, but they were always locked. This was a bit frustrating because I was really interested in getting into her house. So, I came up with a sort of plan that I thought would be fun, even if it didn’t work.

Last Saturday, I visited Linda Watson’s apartment complex as I would on weekdays. The difference is that this time, I wanted her to be home. I thought it would be interesting to have a conversation with her. If I got lucky, I could take advantage of the situation to discreetly unlock a window from the inside. So, I walked up to her door wearing nothing warmer than a light sweatshirt, and knocked. The adrenaline rush was crazy. I was afraid I might screw something up.

The door opened, and in front of me stood Linda Watson, exactly as I remembered her from the grocery store. It was at that moment, making eye contact for the first time, that I realized I was running the risk of beginning to care about this person. As selfish as it is, I couldn’t kill a person I cared about, even if it’s a 33-year-old woman standing in a doorway with a slightly perplexed look on her face, giving me a reserved “Hello.”

Arms crossed from the cold, I shyly returned Linda’s greeting. I explained that I was walking my dog near the woodsy area behind the back of her apartment, and that he had gotten away. I had been looking for my dog for an hour and was wondering if Linda may have seen him roaming about. Of course, Linda sympathetically apologized for the situation and that she couldn’t be of use to me, but that she would keep an eye out. I wore a defeated expression in response, apologizing in return for troubling her.

It somehow went exactly as I had hoped — Linda invited me inside to warm up a bit with some coffee. I outwardly hesitated before accepting her offer, although on the inside I wanted to jump through the door and hug her for cooperating so well. And that’s how Linda Watson ended up with a 19-year-old girl next to her on the couch — who knows if it was just a nice gesture or if she really has no better way to spend her Saturdays than talking to some kid she just met (who happens to be interested in killing her).

Linda soon learned that my name is Maria (it’s not) and that I attend the nearby community college (I don’t). I was a little bit nervous that she would ask me too many questions because I didn’t have many answers prepared. I was able to steer the conversation toward her, and she was pretty happy to talk. I asked what she does, and she told me that she works for the accounting firm I already knew about, communicating with outside clients and keeping records. I told her I was pretty nervous about growing up. She told me to enjoy college and to make lots of friends because there’s less opportunity once you start working.

When I asked if she was married or anything, she laughed. Of course I knew she wasn’t married, but I wanted to hear more about her love life. She said that she doesn’t currently have a boyfriend (I guess she’s at least had boyfriends, but who knows how long ago). When I asked her about kids, she said she doesn’t want them until she gets a better job. On top of that, she told me that her family has a history of some genetic diseases such as arthritis and depression, which she is afraid to give to her kids.

It’s funny that she mentioned that because when I asked to use her bathroom, I noticed a tube of prescription pills on the sink. It was labelled duloxetine, which I looked up later and discovered that it is in fact an antidepressant. I had a joking thought that maybe by killing her I’d be doing her a favor, but quickly decided I was a terrible person for coming up with that.

The rest of the visit was pretty dull. We talked about food and some other mundane stuff before I eventually made an excuse to leave. I didn’t get the chance to unlock a window or anything like that, but I didn’t really feel the need to go through her apartment anymore. As early as the drive back to my dorm, I was already thinking about how I would best like to kill Linda Watson.

The choice was between effectiveness and fun. I decided to go with fun, because it would be way more satisfying to kind of dissect her as I killed her, rather than just getting it done and calling it a day. Fast-forward one week to December 13th — today, actually. Linda Watson turned 34 two days ago. I made a fun little wager with myself where if Linda was spending her birthday weekend alone, I would pay her a visit and kill her. If she was out or had company, I would stop by next week or something instead.

So this morning, I drove over to Lowe’s and bought an axe. Again, I expect you’re laughing, but that’s also kind of the point. An axe is so kind of cliche and a “movies” thing that I actually thought it would be the most fun. Swinging it at someone and everything, it’s a really entertaining image. They actually had a bunch of different axes, so I picked one that had a good weight but was still light enough for me to swing quickly.

The drive after getting the axe was when the adrenaline really picked up. All that kept going through my mind on the way over was “Wow, I’m really doing this.” Not in a bad way, just like a surprised this is real life sort of thing. I also got this strange rush of recollections of the time I spent with Linda. It was like my life was flashing before my eyes, except it was just the rather mundane hour I spent with Linda — like snippets of our conversations, the sound of her laugh, her facial expressions and stuff.

I also wondered to myself what the crazy serial killers would be feeling at a time like this — schizophrenic delusions? Sexual buildup? I have no idea, but what I felt was kind of like ridiculously alert and numb in the senses at the same time, however that’s possible.

Before getting out of the car, I had the sense to stuff the axe into my backpack to look a little less ridiculous walking across the parking lot. The handle was sticking out, but that didn’t really matter. At that point my heart was pounding so hard I could feel my throat throbbing. I tried controlling my breath, but it’s really hard to not breathe fast when your heart is pounding like that.

I reached Linda Watson’s door and quietly put my ear to it after setting down my backpack. I heard a voice that wasn’t hers — company? No, it was just the TV, mixed with her occasional tapping footsteps behind the door. I actually kept my ear there for a really freaking long time, because I wanted to make absolutely sure nobody was over. Probably 10 minutes of that and a lot of reassuring myself convinced me.

I quietly opened my backpack zipper and held the axe in my hands. My fiercely shaking hands. What the hell was this kind of reaction that my body was making? I told my body to shut up, that it’s no big deal, but of course it wouldn’t listen. It was actually bizarre how much my hands were shaking. It must be the adrenaline buildup. I rolled my eyes at myself and got my hand to rest on the doorknob. If it’s locked, I’ll knock, it’ll be basically the same. I took a deep breath and forced my muscles into action.

I swiftly turned the doorknob. Not locked. In one movement, I opened up the door and slipped inside. Linda Watson, just a few steps away into the kitchen. I see — she was in the middle of cooking. She immediately jumped and turned around, startled. I expected that. Quickly, I let go of the doorknob and adjusted the axe into both hands. In the following split second, I realized that she would probably start to make a lot of noise. Looking back, I’m an idiot for not considering that. Just as Linda’s mouth opened to speak — maybe even started speaking — I forcefully swung my axe into the side of her head.

But, my axe was facing backwards. I hit her with the blunt end of the blade. I actually did this on purpose, because in that split second I somehow decided that it would be the way to keep her noise to a minimum. It actually worked. I felt barely any resistance in the swing as I collided with her head, knocking it clean aside. Linda’s half-formed syllable came out as a kind of weird grunt — a noisy exhalation is probably the best I could describe it. That happened at the same time as her head smacked into the cabinet from the force, and she fell backwards without any ability to keep her balance. I didn’t hesitate at all to keep swinging at her while she was half lying down on the ground, this time my axe facing the right way. I didn’t really know where to swing, so I kind of just started hacking at her collarbone area and chest. It didn’t feel like the axe was going too deep, but there was a nice “thunk” sort of sound every time the axe embedded into her. I even felt the soft sinking sensation ripple into my hands, like the axe was a kind of physical extension of my sense of touch.

On a whim, I swung once at her throat, but most of the swing actually missed and I hit the floor by accident, causing a loud, dull whack to resonate through the apartment. I didn’t have time to think about it. I swung again with better aim and got a more centered hit, feeling the bone or cartilage or whatever is in there, so I must have split it open. Right after that, I decided to swing at her face, and I got this diagonal cut along her nose and mouth, which felt pretty good so I did it once more.

I finally briefly stopped to survey the damage. Linda was bleeding ridiculously. The blood was kind of coming out in waves, in sync with her beating heart, probably. It was pooling all around her and riding along the cracks between the tiles. Her light blue shirt was all torn up and stained dark, kind of mixed with a fleshy mess around her chest. It was all just glistening red. Her face wasn’t much better, covered in dripping red at this point, and her lip was kind of hanging off, revealing red-stained teeth in a really weird way, like a zombie or something.

Linda wasn’t dead, though. Her limbs were kind of weakly, aimlessly trying to move while she was stuck on her back. More than anything, she reminded me of a bug that you crush but it still pitifully moves its legs around before it dies completely. That’s basically what she was doing. But I didn’t know how long it would take for her to die, or what kind of condition she was in. I ended up grabbing a big knife that was on the counter that she was using to cut up meat. Trying to step around the blood, I reached down and carved into the upper half of her neck, trying to sort of saw it from the left side to the right. It was a little awkward because the area was so soft and squished around the knife as I was cutting. But the sensation was completely different from the axe. It actually felt like I was cutting a tough piece of raw meat (which I guess technically, I was).

The blood started pouring out, and I hoped that I severed the most major arteries in there. It must have worked, because after a moment Linda’s limb movements kind of just had the strength drained from them, soon resting still on the floor. I took a few seconds to catch my breath. No time to stick around and think about the experience. I shook the knife blade through a dirty pan in the sink to clean off the blood, then threw the knife into my backpack. I did the same with the axe. I also took her laptop that was sitting on the counter. It had some recipe open for veal and mushrooms. I didn’t really take the laptop to use it, since I have a perfectly good one myself that I got for college. I just wanted to look through it for fun.

I finally went outside and closed the door behind me. I got some blood on my sweater and jeans. But funnily enough, I actually anticipated that so I wore dark colors.

The drive back to my dorm was just a constant replaying of the experience in my head. I guess that’s still kind of happening even now, actually. But it felt pretty nice. Linda Watson is dead. I kind of let the weight of that sink in. The sensation of having completely removed a human life from existence. It’s crazy. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Anyway, I threw the axe and knife into a dumpster on campus, which I think is picked up every Monday, so they’ll be gone by then. My roommate goes home on the weekends, so I have the dorm to myself today. It gave me the chance to go through Linda’s website history. I was right in thinking that’s where her deepest secrets would lie.

There was actually a lot of dirty stuff, like the names of websites for porn videos and stories and things like that. Same with her searches. A lot of the websites were boring, like cooking websites and recipes, and game websites like Bejeweled and stuff. I eventually got to the “one week ago” section of her history, and it gave me a chill.

There were a whole bunch of searches like “methods of suicide”, “how to tie a noose”, “dangerous household chemicals”, “carbon monoxide poisoning” — like a lot of them. She was probably ready to write a book on suicide after all the research she did. So I guess Linda was contemplating suicide. I wonder if it was influenced by her depression.

The irony is actually striking. Maybe Linda was going to die anyway. Or maybe she couldn’t find the courage to do it. If that were the case, I almost literally gave her a birthday present by killing her. That’s actually really comical in a messed-up way, and it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. The part I don’t get is that I didn’t see any of those searches up until the “one week ago” section, nothing more recent than that.

I ended up throwing the laptop in the dumpster with the other stuff. It’s been a few hours since then, so I’ve had some time to calmly think about everything. Like I said, it was pretty satisfying and I’m glad I finally got around to it. I feel like I can finally cross it off my bucket list, or like I’m tying loose ends with myself. This is probably the first and last time I’ll write the name Linda Watson — it’s back to living a normal college life, except I might do some people-watching every now and then because it’s definitely fun and interesting.

But I’ll always wonder how many people there are like me. I’m sure there has to be a lot, because there is just nothing strange about it to me, being curious about killing someone. Sadly, it’s something that people can’t exactly just talk about, so I guess I’ll never know. I’m sure that anyone would just lie about it even if you asked them. But you can’t help but wonder if that person in the grocery store, who stares at you as you pass by, might be considering what it would be like to kill you. If I could, I would tell them all about it, so they could decide for themselves. But who knows, maybe I got lucky, and that person is you. I actually really, really hope so.

~♥”

code

[frenchpuppycormier]

HI ZOË!!! angst #16 for that sentence starter post if you're still up for some writing. i love getting my feelings hurt 🤡

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Then why are there bruises all over your face?"

—

Kara doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

She waves at every animal she sees on her daily walks and patrols at night. She gives and gives to people without expecting anything in return. When someone is having a bad day or just really needs to talk, she listens, even criminals. Most of them aren't any different than the average person, they simply were dealt the wrong hand. She's extremely loyal and doesn't take anything personally. One time, Kara saved a fly that was trapped in a spider's web.

So yeah, Kara doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Which is why today is such an anomaly.

She's in the kitchen still dressed in her navy chinos and baby pink button up with palm trees from when she came home from work. Andrea made her rewrite an article thrice, Jeremy from accounting had broken the copier machine and politely asked for her help in fixing it, she stopped a bank robbery a few blocks down from CatCo when she realized the police wouldn't get there in time, and to top it all off she unwillingly skipped lunch after someone stole her sandwich from the staff fridge.

To say she was exhausted and starving was an understatement. Changing into her pajamas meant she had to walk all the way to the bedroom and Kara was too lazy, even for superspeed.

As she stirs her homemade tomato sauce she taps her phone screen and checks the time. 6:35 pm. Frowning, Kara doesn't see any missed messages or calls from Lena letting her know she's going to be late.

She shrugs to herself and thinks Lena must've gotten caught up in her lab and lost track of time. It happens more often than not, and Kara doesn't think it'll ever change, much to her chagrin. It's bad enough Lena forgets to eat lunch most days, but to continuously forget her phone and watch in her office? Kara knows her wife's a workaholic, but she wasn't aware until now, the fourth night this week, that it was getting this bad.

Kara strains the pasta and cuts the garlic bread while periodically stirring the sauce and checking her phone. She decides to finally turn on some music when the silence of the penthouse becomes too stifling and daunting.

She's in the middle of dancing to ABBA and plating the food when she hears a familiar heartbeat walking down the hall. Kara tries not to listen to it too often—she doesn't want Lena to feel like her privacy has been invaded—but sometimes she can't help it. Her wife's heartbeat is one of the most soothing sounds she's ever heard, and ever since she heard it for the first time, she's just been naturally drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.

Kara smiles as she hears it get closer until Lena's opening the door and walking through. "Hey, babe! I'm in the kitchen!" she yells, her energetic voice reverberating throughout the house.

There's no verbal response like there usually is, which is the first warning sign. The second is when Lena walks by—she has to in order to go to their room—it's with quick steps and careful avoidance. But Kara's been able to read her like a book since they've known each other, and she knows something's amiss by the way Lena doesn't even greet her with a kiss. She always does.

"Lena?"

Her wife stops frozen in her tracks, head angled down, hair covering her face like a curtain. Lena's heart ticks up a beat, leaving Kara wildly concerned.

"Lena?" she steps around the island and stands in front of her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she mumbles.

Kara tilts her head to make eye contact, but Lena moves her head so she can't. "Then why won't you let me look at you?"

"It's nothing, I-I'm fine."

"And why does that not convince me?" Kara sighs. Lena doesn't move a muscle and she keeps quiet. "Are you hurt?"

"No." She still shows no signs of moving. It's like she's decided her next career move is becoming one of those marble sculptures at the museum people love to gawk at.

"Lena...you're scaring me." She tentatively reaches out and grasps Lena's fingers, tremendously thankful when she doesn't pull away. If there's one thing her wife is bad at, it's letting people in. But she also knows when she's feeling stressed or overwhelmed that holding her hand relaxes and grounds her. "Please..."

Finally, after standing there in an awkward and probably painful way with the way Lena's neck is positioned, she slowly looks up. Kara audibly gasps when she sees her, and what she sees ignites a fire in her chest and a fury in her eyes. "If you're not hurt, then why are there bruises all over your face?"

"Kara.."

"Lena," she breathes and lifts her hands to gently cup her face, tears pooling in her eyes. Her breathing is significantly more ragged than before, and she mentally takes note of why that is. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," she repeats.

Kara frowns and backs away, crossing her arms. "Who did this to you?"

"Please, Kara. I don't want to make a big deal—"

"Who?" her voice is lower and angrier, sending chills down Lena's back. She grits her teeth, "Lena, tell me who did this to you now, so I can kill them."

"Kara, this isn't you," she reaches forward to calm her down, but Kara starts pacing.

"The hell it isn't!" Kara exclaims, fists clenching at her sides. "My wife was beaten for all I know, and she's acting like it's just another day at the office!" she gestures at Lena, exasperatedly. "How would you expect me to act?"

Lena flinches at her tone.

Kara notices, because she always notices when Lena's in distress, and she deflates. "Lena, you're the love of my life, my person, and when you're hurt I can't help how I act. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm overreacting or if I'm yelling, but it's you." She walks back into her space and places her hands over Lena's face, thumbs lightly grazing her cheekbones, careful not to bump her wounds. "It's you," she whispers.

Lena swallows thickly, and when she speaks her voice is soft and afraid. "It was an accident."

"Did someone do this to you?" Kara's jaw clenches as she lets go. She doesn't stray far though, crossing her arms in front of her chest to try and calm down.

"Kara, no," Lena sighs, tears pooling in her eyes. "I...I did it to myself."

"What?" Kara's arms drop to her sides. "What are you talking about?"

"I was in a board meeting," she clears her throat. "Um...I was presenting a new prototype for...for," Lena shakes her head and frowns tensely. She rubs her eyes with tight fists and with a shaky breath, she cries, "Kara, I—I can't remember!"

Kara steps forward and grasps her hands. "Hey, it's okay. Take your time." She rubs soothing circles over her knuckles with her thumbs.

Lena takes a deep breath and tries again. "I was in a board meeting, and I vaguely recall getting a terrible migraine. Everything after that is fuzzy," she sniffles and takes her hands back to wipe her eyes. "Jess said I fell and hit my head on the table on the way down."

Kara inhales shakily, "What?"

"I had a seizure, I guess," she says it with a slight lilt at the end like it's a question she doesn't want answered. "Uh, it lasted about five minutes until the paramedics arrived. They said I was lucky I wasn't doing something else, like driving. It could've been a lot worse."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone call me?," Kara looks at her with pleading but sorrowful eyes.

"I didn't want you to worry."

"We promised each other, remember?" squeezes her hands. "For better or worse," she says with all the conviction she has. Kara kisses her knuckles and asks, "What did the doctors say?"

Lena sniffles and bows her head. "They ran all these tests on me, but couldn't find anything serious as to why I had a seizure. It could be any number of things, but they can't really do anything for me until I have another one," she looks up at her wife, lips wobbling.

"Kara, I'm scared," she whispers. "This is—" her words catch in her throat, and it's hard for her to breathe. "This is—my mom," she cries hysterically, covering her mouth with her hands, "This is how my mom died, she—she had a seizure while she was in the lake and she drowned. I can't—I can't believe this is—this is happening," she hiccups into another sob.

"Shhh," Kara envelops her in a hug and rubs soothing hands along her back. Lena bawls uncontrollably into her neck, hands gripped tightly to the back of Kara's shirt. "I'm so sorry, Lena," she kisses her on the head and murmurs into her hair, "We're gonna figure this out, I promise."

"What if I have what she had?" Lena questions, voice muffled and watery. "Kara...I don't wanna die," her mind begins to fill with thousands of different scenarios and she spirals into a panic, her whole body shaking, "I don't wanna die, Kara!"

"Honey, no," Kara hugs her tighter, as much as she can without harming her, then pulls back and kisses her on the forehead. She pointedly looks into her eyes when she says, "You're not dying. Okay? Not today, not anytime soon, alright?" Lena's face is red and splotchy. She tries to reign in control of her emotions, and she exhales a shaky breath while managing to give a slight nod. "Good. We'll figure out what's wrong with you, and if we can't do that here, then...we'll go to Argo. Their advances in science are way ahead of Earth's, and if that's not enough then I'll personally travel to other earths or other planets until I find a solution. You're not going anywhere if I have anything to say about it."

"Promise?"

Kara palms the underside of her jaw and rests their foreheads together, Lena's puffs of breath hitting her lips. "I promise," she presses their lips together in a chaste kiss and mumbles, "I love you." Kara kisses her again, "More than anything."

"I love you, too," Lena replies and buries her face in Kara's chest, her arms wrapped around her waist tight and what would be restricting if not for Kara’s invulnerable body. A calming minute passes for them in the aftermath of Lena's breakdown, when Lena quietly asks, "Is something burning?"

Lena feels her wife stiffen in her arms. "Shit!"

She pulls back and raises her eyebrows curiously, an amused glint in her eyes as she asks, "Did you just swear?"

Kara extracts herself from Lena's hold and stutters, "N-no, I said sh-sheet," she fumbles over to the stove and turns off the burner. Kara leans over the pot and frowns at the wreckage.

Lena chuckles with such fondness it's almost like their previous conversation has been forgotten. Kara beams at the sound, one of the reasons she fell in love with Lena in the first place; that girl can make laughter sound like music. Even her out-of-control snort laughs are adorable. At least to Kara's ears.

"There's no point in denying it, love, I heard you loud and clear," Lena smirks and joins her in the kitchen, poking her in the side. Kara squeals and feigns hurting by falling to the floor dramatically.

Lena playfully rolls her eyes and holds out her hand. "Baby, get up, the floor is a mess." Kara easily obeys and jumps to her feet with barely any help from Lena. "I married a weirdo," she shakes her head.

"Do you regret it?"

"Never," Lena states firmly. "You're my weirdo, forever."

"I like the sound of that," Kara blushes. Even after being married for five years, and knowing each other even longer, Lena still possesses the ability to fluster Kara on a daily basis.

"C'mon, let's order Chinese."

"You're speaking my language!" Kara kisses Lena on the nose and watches with pure affection as it scrunches. She grabs the takeout menu from the junk drawer before twining her fingers through Lena's and snuggling with her on the couch.

No matter her diagnosis, not matter the outcome, Lena will be more than okay with Kara by her side.

[angelicyoongie]

desolate (12)

— summary: you just wanted a cute little normal cat to keep you company. so, you're not really sure how you ended up with the grumpiest hybrid on earth that seems hellbent on making your life difficult.

— pairing: cat hybrid yoongi x human reader

— genre: angst, fluff, smut

— word count: 5.1k

— tag list: @mrcleanheichou​​ @ladymidnightt​​ @cheese123344​ @xanny91​ @dinorahrodriguez​​ @best-space-boy​​ @dulcaet​ @moccahobi​​ @keijaycreates​ @staytrillswag​ @xsmilebitesx​ @serendipityoreuphoria​ @jiminot7​ @beyond-the-swag​ @nananaum1​ @mult1wh0re @faithsummers11​ @twomilkmen-gocomedy​ @theonewholovestoread​ @karissassirak​ @veryuniquenamegoeshere​ @yourlipssoirresistible​ @ayoo-bangtan​ @murderyoursoul​ @btsxdoll​ @see3milyblog​ @gukiyi​ @mtgforall @narcissism-iskey​ @sp3ak-yours3lf​ @cesthoney​ @imluckybitches​ @hd-junglebook​ @sugarrimajins​ @btstxtgenre​ @multifandomgirl29​ @beach-bitch-bitch-beach​ @bangtansleftnut​ @theresa-nam-nam-me​ @angeltothecore​ @ghostkat23​ @deathkat657​ @awixxx @httpmedxsa​ @veronawrites​ @bubbletae7​ @serious-addiction​ @chogiyeol-utopia​ @nomimits7​ @lorielulu7​ @1am9root6​ @sana-b​ @diamonddia-mond​ @jiminiessipabo​ @myhearttteu​ @rainbowmagicpixecorn​ @lidda​ @rosiethefairy​ @lovinggalaxies​ @midnight1199​ @trinityautumn​ @linniewritesficz​ @fearhoshi​ @ess-place @juniesoftbot​ @kingalls00​ @toribug2020​ @daydreambrliever​ @moonlight-mochi​ @sleepyje0n​ @yoonie-bby​ @alltimeyoongi @honestlyfuriousharmony @itsoktheresbts​ @suzziequeuie​ @miss–insanity @illnevertrustmyselfagain​ @annoyingpessimist​ @lovelikeyouwant​ @originalpersonawobblerduck @cigarettes-after-tears​ @kookie-vuitton​ @thefangirlsoul​ @lmna990​ @luvshorses08​ @nanananisstuff​ @marvelstuck​ @kissmeimwitchy​ @crazyxforxmyself @hxsxxk-180294​ @ratking101​ @brittaney341 @shameless-army​ @yuukihime2097​ @adoorinyourheart @heimdoodle​ @kissing-fear​ @toripeix​ @horanghae18​ @redperson58​ @awsome-small-k​ @salomea27​ @johnnystolemywig​ @mihto​ @jisoosbitch​ @lyrxbz​ @forever-once-gone​ @sugalarity @out-of-jams​ @ithinkileftmycoatoutside​ @witchxlove​ @chocoflagcutii @alyboo-jpeg​ @ladyartemesia​ @tatiiz24​ @boinko-boye @kaceyxmarie74​ @fuckthatfeeling​ @makepastanotwar13​ @airiguk​ @justliketheoceann @strawbewymiwk​ @skswriting​ @kofikats​ @rainbow-zebra-unicorns​ @mhmbrigitta​ @forever-yoongis​ @prybts​ @phatbussyincorporated @itsmethepancake​ @alterlovess​ @boredoomfm​ @furblrwurblr​ @moments-of-melancholy​ @barbikatherine​ @crookedstarlitnight​ @moonlightjoonx​ @ibsenova-nora​ @aphroditis-world @ramaali1​ @inhalebts​

Part one Part two Part three Part four Part five Part six Part seven Part eight Part nine Part ten (M) Part eleven Part thirteen Part fourteen (M)

”Cat hybrid?” You squeak.

”Yes. Forgive me for not knowing his name–“ Mr. Yang pauses, looking at you expectantly. Yoongi’s name tumbles out of your lips before you can stop yourself, your co-worker’s kind face making it hard to keep your guard up. And if Mr. Yang is really the one who orchestrated the breaches, shouldn’t that be enough to trust him?

“–Yoongi, I see. It was Ki-woo that alerted me about him,” Mr. Yang nods his head in the hybrid’s direction, “He picked up Yoongi’s scent once when he came up to fix Jihyo’s computer a while back, but he couldn’t quite figure out why it was so familiar.”

“While I must say I was surprised to learn that you had a cat hybrid’s scent lingering on you when you hadn’t adopted one, it made more sense once Ki-woo realized where he had smelled him before,” Mr. Yang says, a sad smile forming on his lips.

“You see .. Ki-woo’s old owner was a police officer. And a corrupt one at that,” Ki-woo hangs his head, his long hair falling forward to hide his face as your gaze flickers uncertainly back and fourth between the two men. “Ki-woo was forced to join as his hybrid companion, and I’m sure you’re aware of how that usually turns out.”

Your heart sinks.

You are. You’ve assisted multiple cases like Ki-woo’s before. Sadly, it’s all too common that the police officers that don’t care much for their hybrids force them to become their companions – which is honestly just a glorified term for a human shield. You’ve lost count over how many hybrids you have had to defend from their owners who believed that it was the hybrid’s job to protect them and risk their life for them. The blatant disrespect they have for other people’s life makes your stomach turn. There are of course always a few officers who treat their hybrids as partners and not companions, but those are too far and few in between. The fact that Ki-woo got a bad one doesn’t surprise you in the slightest, and that’s a horrifying thought.

“Ki-woo assisted him on multiple aspects of the job, but especially when it came to well.. losing evidence,” Mr. Yang sighs.

“A hybrid never forgets a s-scent, and that’s why I was so s-shocked when I realized that I could recognize the s-smell on your things,” Ki-woo glances up at you nervously, tongue quickly swiping over his lips. ”The last time I had s-smelled that was when I was helping my old owner burn a box of evidence for a murder case. I couldn’t figure out why that s-scent would be lingering on anything after s-so many years, but it would make s-sense if they were .. related.”

So, Yoongi must share the same scent as his mom, or at least a part of it. “But that all happened so long ago, and you don’t look that much older than me?”

Ki-woo swallows hard. “I’m not. I s-started working as a companion when I was fifteen.” That makes your blood boil. If he had been forced into such a dangerous and terrible position while he was still a child – you really don’t want to know what his life outside of work looked like. You can’t imagine he was taken good care of.

“I’m sorry,” You say. While it can’t do anything to change what has already happened, it still needs to be said. Someoneneeds to say it. Ki-woo gives you a small nod in return.

“But why do all of this? What do you gain from it?” You turn your attention back to Mr. Yang, the older man resting against the edge of a nearby desk.

“Justice,” He says. “There are too many cases that get swept under the rug and forgotten, and the hybrids involved deserved better. They deserve that someone cares.”

“Luckily we aren’t the only ones who think that. Social media has been a big help when it comes to demanding retrials – there’s strength in numbers, and it’s amazing how just a little heat can make someone slip up and expose something they were supposed to keep quiet about,” You find yourself nodding along to Mr. Yang’s words. There had been a significant surge in retrials for hybrids over the last couple of years, and most got ruled in favour of the hybrid the second time. To think that your own co-worker was behind all of that ..

“It can’t be just you two?”

The wrinkles around Mr. Yang’s eyes deepen as he chuckles. “Goodness no, we’re a big organization. But myself and Ki-woo have been involved for a long time.” That makes sense. They seem to know what they’re doing if your boss, or anyone else for that matter, hasn’t caught on to them yet.

“It was just a pure coincidence that the case of Yoongi’s relative was picked along with the others – they were chosen long before Ki-woo even smelled him on your things. But seeing as you’re here, I’m guessing you have some information that might be valuable to the case?” Mr. Yang watches you carefully, his hands folded neatly in his lap.

You’ve already come to the conclusion that you can’t help Yoongi alone. You have no power, no connections – but it seems like Mr. Yang and Ki-woo’s organization certainty has those. It can’t hurt to try.

“The cat hybrid was Yoongi’s mom,” You pause, the next words balling up at the tip of your tongue. Saying it out loud would make it real, so don’t– “and my old neighbour.” Surprise flickers across Mr. Yang’s face, but it seems to pass just as quickly, his face schooled back into a gentle encouraging smile.

“Mr. Park sold him off when he was young, and he didn’t even know his mom had passed away until he saw the news report. I had no idea that the neighbour’s cat was actually a hybrid either, I never saw her shifted,” You slowly dig your hands into your thighs, welcoming the burn as you rush through your next word, “I was eight, I didn’t know any better – I just thought his cat had suddenly passed away. I-I helped him .. bury her.”

A sudden hush falls over the room after your confession, your eyes glued to the floor. Does this make you a murderer too? What if they don’t want to help Yoongi now? Maybe you shouldn’t have said anything–

“Y/n,” Mr. Yang’s voice is firm, and you feel yourself shrink automatically, your shoulders nearly touching your ears. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t your fault. Like you said, you were eight. You were a child; you didn’t know what was truly going on. You’re not to blame for anything.”

You let out a shuddering sigh, blinking furiously to remove the tears clouding your vision. You’re not sure you fully believe him, but it’s still comforting to hear. It gives you the chance to at least pretend Yoongi won’t loathe you completely once you tell him.

“I don’t really know if our connections to the case is any help but he’s – we’re desperate to do something. I want to help him, but there’s not much I can do on my own,” You confess.

“Based on what you just told me, I believe we might already have everything we need to make a strong case against Mr. Park,” Your eyes snap up to meet Mr. Yang’s, your hopeful heart almost skipping a beat.

“Really?” He nods.

“Of course, we would still need to gather more evidence – but if you can act as a witness and point out where it happened, that would help the case tremendously,” Mr. Yang says. “We also need to prove that Mr. Yang sold hybrids illegally, and so if Yoongi wants, then his testimony would also be a big help.”

“I’ll .. ask him,” You know Yoongi will do it, but that’s what worries you. If he chooses to testify in court, his old owner will be alerted about it. You have no doubt that he’ll show up to claim Yoongi back, and then he’ll have no choice but to leave. And if Yoongi has escaped once, then his old owner will probably make sure that won’t happen again. You swallow down the bile that’s building up in your throat. Even though the idea scares you to bits, it’s not your decision to make.

“Good,” Mr. Yang smiles. Your gaze flickers back to Ki-woo, the hybrid already frowning before you meet his gaze. Crap. He can probably smell how upset you are.

“What kind of hybrid are you?” You blurt out, desperate to shift his attention over to something else. “You don’t really have any obvious characteristics.”

“Oh um, that’s kind of the point, it makes it easier to blend in,” Ki-woo grimaces. “I’m a lizard hybrid.” That at least explains why he had what looked like scales on his neck, and why he was so cold, but .. “Your tail?” You trail off, gesturing to his very empty back.

“I s-shed it,” His words makes your eyes grow wide. He does what?

“It doesn’t hurt,” He quickly adds, “Well. Not that much at least. But it just makes it easier to pass as human. I suppose I’m luckier than most hybrids in that regard,” He shrugs, but you can tell from the heavy weight he seems to have on his shoulders that it affects him more than he likes to let on.

“Ki-woo’s a free hybrid,” Mr. Yang supplies, “It was a long and difficult process to make it happen, but that’s what our organization is here for.” An ownerless hybrid. It’s honestly a very recent concept; the first free hybrid won his rights less than a decade ago.

The process is tedious and expensive, and most owners aren’t willing to go through it. After all, that would make their hybrids seem human, which the vast majority still believes they aren’t. Pets, were the term you most often heard when owners talked about their hybrids. We got a new pet. But it’s all just an easy excuse to tell themselves so that their abuse doesn’t seem as horrible.

“That’s amazing,” You say. You can’t help but think about Yoongi. How badly he deserves to be his own person, and to not be constantly hunted by his own past. Seeing a hybrid in the flesh that is actually ownerless just makes it more real, more doable, and there’s suddenly nothing you would like more than to make it happen for him. You will make it happen.

Mr. Yang nods, a thoughtful smile on his face. “I think it’s time for you to go home, Y/n. I believe you have quite a few things you need to discuss.”

.

“I’ll do it,” Yoongi says, his sharp eyes leaving no room for argument. You had barely even managed to finish your explanation before he agreed to testify.

“Yoongi ..” You mumble, your fingers picking nervously at the hem of your shirt. “What if he shows up? I can’t stop him from taking you back.”

Yoongi open his mouth just to shut it again, the muscles in his jaw working as his gaze flickers around the living room. He finally sighs, his dark cat ears pressing flat against his head as he says, “Then let him take me.”

“What?” You stare at him in disbelief, your heartbeat stuttering painfully in your chest. “Do you really mean that?”

Yoongi swallows hard, the skin around his thumb picked raw. “Yeah. As long as I can lock that fucker away, I don’t care what happens to me.” You bite down hard on your lip to keep quiet. You want to protest ­– want to beg him to reconsider and stay here with you, where he’s safe. But you can tell his mind is already set, and you can’t let your own selfish needs come before Yoongi’s wishes. And even if you begged, you doubt he’ll want to stay with you for much longer anyway. Tell him, an insistent voice in the back of your mind whispers. Tell him.

So you do.

“There’s something else,” You wince, “something you need to know.” As if Yoongi can sense your hesitation, he reaches forward to grab your hand, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“Take you time kitten.” Yoongi could’ve just as well punched you straight in the gut, the term of endearment making your eyes burn. I don’t deserve you.

“I didn’t realize until yesterday, I had no idea any of this was going on until we saw the news report but .. do you remember the cat I told you about? Fluffball, my neighbour’s old cat that you reminded me so much of?” Yoongi nods, his head tilted in confusion as you draw in a shaking breath.

“My old neighbour was Mr. Park,” Yoongi’s hand tightens painfully around yours, your fingers growing white from the pressure, “And Fluffball, the cat that suddenly got sick and passed away, was .. your mom.” Your voice is barely above a whispers as you get to the last word, but you have no doubt that Yoongi hears you clear as day, the stricken expression on his face telling you everything.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Yoongi snatches his hand away as if he’s been burned; the sudden rush of blood reaching your fingertips making your hand throb as you pull it back into your lap. “I never saw any other cats around his home, and there was never any others after we buried her.”

“We?” Yoongi’s tail shoots up behind his back, his narrowed gaze pinning you to the couch, “What do you mean, ‘we’?”

“Not like that!” You blurt, horrified at your own poor choice of words. “I didn’t know she was a hybrid, I just thought she was a cat! I adored her, and I guess Mr. Park knew I was too young to know that something was off, so he let me hold a funeral for her when she passed,” You can’t bear to lift your gaze from your lap, even as the silence beings to stretch on. You can’t stomach to see the hatred you’re sure is plastered all over Yoongi’s face. “I really didn’t know, I’m so sorry,” You whisper.

“Why are you telling me this?” Yoongi says, his voice strained.

“Because I’ll need to testify as a witness. And I thought you deserved to hear it first,” You shove your trembling hands between your crossed legs, holding on to the fabric of your jeans for dear life.

“I .. I need some time alone,” Yoongi’s voice is bordering on a hiss as he gets off the couch. You don’t dare to look up until you hear your bedroom door slam shut, the sound echoing inside your small apartment.

.

It’s been a week, and you can still count on two hands how many times you’ve seen him. Yoongi hardly spends time in the same room as you, and if he does, it’s mostly just to grumble out a flimsy excuse before he leaves. You didn’t even realize just how well Yoongi had ingrained himself into your life before he began to pull away, the empty spaces left behind now more prominent than ever. Eating alone feels like a chore, and not even the mindless TV chatter in the background can fill the silence Yoongi’s mellow voice used to occupy. You don’t think you’ve ever slept so poorly before either, the lack of extra warmth and strong arms around your waist leaves you tossing and turning in bed all night. What makes it all feel even worse is knowing that Yoongi is in the next room over, that he’s so close, but also so far away at the same time. Yoongi asked for time, and that’s what you’re giving him, but hurts.

It hurts that it feels like he’s slowly distancing himself from you more and more with each passing day, and it hurts to know that it’s all your own fault. That you maybe could’ve saved him some of his suffering if you had paid a little more attention when you were younger. You can’t help but wonder if he regrets spending his rut with you, if he regrets ever stepping foot inside your apartment. If he wants to leave. And even if the thought makes your chest tighten – can you really blame him?

No.

But at the same time, you can’t help but hope that he’ll stay. Even if it’s selfish.

“Still nothing?” Jihyo asks carefully, her warm eyes peeking at you over her computer screen. It had actually been Mr. Yang’s suggestion to involve Jihyo, and you couldn’t be more thankful for it. If you didn’t have Jihyo to talk to, you probably would’ve exploded by now. Not only that, but you felt it was right to include her, especially when it was one of her old cases were broadcasted alongside Mr. Park’s.

You shake your head, your gaze moving back to rest on the unfinished document in front of you. Work has been hard to focus on with everything going on, and after your talk with Mr. Yang, it has all started to feel a little hopeless. Apparently the hits have never been random – no, the organization Mr. Yang is apart of apparently only targets firm that have purposefully foiled certain cases for monetary gain.

In other words, your boss has been in cahoots with officials to make sure that the cases that would soil either their own or their acquaintances’ names would fail, and that the represented hybrid would lose. Jihyo’s case was about a high standing member of your city that abused his hybrid, and the case was bulletproof – a sure win. At least it had been, up until your boss had to give it the final approval before send off. You suppose it makes sense now why the hybrid lost the case, if you boss was paid to make it happen.

You sigh, running your hands down your face in frustration. You’ve already given your statement to the lawyer and the police officer in charge for Mr. Park’s case, and both you and Yoongi have been chosen to testify in court. It seems like Mr. Yang managed to pull some strings and make sure Yoongi’s owner won’t be alerted until the day of the trial, so the only thing you can do is hope he won’t have time to show up to claim him back. So right now, the only thing you can do is wait. Wait to see if Yoongi is ever going to speak to you again, and wait for the trial to begin. Thankfully you’ll only have to deal with all of this uncertainty for another week; both you and Yoongi’s testimonies made sure they would have enough evidence to bring the case to trial much quicker than normal.

Your boss’ raised voice shakes you out of your thoughts, and you sink down so low in your seat that your butt is nearly touching the floor he stalks past your cluster of desks. You wearily watch his back until he enters his office, only getting back up when the door clicks shut and you deem it safe enough that he won’t suddenly pop back out. Your boss has been on edge ever since the news about the cases broke, but you’re pretty certain he’s more nervous about his own illegal involvement rather than the company being under fire for getting its systems breached. Logically you know that there isn’t anything tying you to the hacked cases, and it’s not like you’re the one who did it either, but still – even just your talk with Mr. Yang and Ki-woo is enough to keep the anxiousness festering in your stomach alive.

You do have something to hide after all, and you’re sure your boss won’t take too kindly to the fact that you’re the reason an old case he made sure would fail is getting a re-trial. Therefore, you’ve decided to stay out of his sight as much as possible, even just as a precaution. You rest your chin in your palm, eyes moving back to your screen only to read the same sentence over and over again. You have a feeling it’s going to be a long week.

.

You thrum your fingers nervously along the edge of your chair, praying that the small breakfast you had managed to force down earlier in the morning won’t make a surprise visit. You can feel someone glaring at the back of your head, obviously annoyed at the rhythmic tapping you’re making, but you can’t stop. At least if you’re moving them you can’t feel how badly they’re shaking.

You scramble to your feet as the judge enters the room, the sound getting sucked out of the room as he takes his place in front of the rest of the court. As the judge motions for everyone to take their places, you can’t help how your eyes stray to the opposite side of the room as you take your seat. The attorney’s assistant is whispering something under her breath, one of Yoongi’s ears turned in her direction while his gaze is fixed on the judge. His tail is curled around his waist, Yoongi’s pale hands running soothingly over his own dark fur.

You didn’t even get to wish him luck this morning; you had only managed to catch a glimpse of the door swinging closed behind him as Mr. Yang picked him up. Your co-worker had insisted on bringing him earlier to the courthouse to go through some of the details of the case, and you weren’t needed until the trial began. You allow yourself to look at Yoongi for another second, soaking in as much of his appearance as possible. This is the longest you’ve been able to look at him in the last two weeks. You swallow thickly as the judge clears his throat, the hollow ache in your chest leaving you feeling numb as you turn your attention to the officials in front of the room.

"We are here for the case of Mr. Park Geunho who is accused of the murder of his female cat hybrid Yoonsook, as well as illegal hybrid breeding and trading,” The judge motions for the guard to open a nearby door. The first thing that hits you is how much your neighbour has aged since you last saw him.

Your family moved away from your old neighbourhood a few years after what happened to Yoongi’s mom, and you haven’t seen him in the flesh since then. Despite his haggard appearance, there’s still that same animosity burning in his eyes as they swipe across the room. You see how his gaze lingers on Yoongi, a flicker of recognition passing over his face before he moves on. I often heard that I looked like my mom, Yoongi’s voice whispers in the back of your mind. Mr. Park’s eyes don’t seem to notice you however, but then, why would he? You were eight then, and a grown woman now. And you’re honestly thankful he doesn’t. Even just another ten minutes without those harsh eyes staring at you is more than fine.

The case passes by in a blur. Even though you’re sure you’re going to faint when you’re asked to give your testimony, you manage to get through it without too much stuttering. You don’t dare to turn to look at Mr. Park as you stand in front of the court, your eyes locked firmly on to the judge as you answer any questions thrown your way. But, you don’t need to look to feel the contempt radiating off him from across the room.

“Well done,” Mr. Yang mutters under his breath once you’re done, your co-worker having found a free seat next to yours. He wasn’t present at the beginning of the trial, but you suppose he must’ve been busy with something important. You give him a faint smile in return, your hands clasped firmly in your lap. You hoped that some of your nervousness would disappear once you were done, but as your heartbeat starts hammering away in your chest as Yoongi stands, you realize that maybe it weren’t yourself you were worried about.

Yoongi carries himself so confidently up to the stand that you almost would’ve believed that he wasn’t nervous if you didn’t know him any better. But you do. So, you notice how his ears seem to twitch around more than normal – how his fingers are digging into the wooden table in front of him. You see the back of Yoongi’s head turn slightly in Mr. Park’s direction, and you’re sure their eyes must have met by how Yoongi’s hands suddenly grow white and strained. He seems to be doing his best to keep his tail under control, you’re sure it would normally be trashing wildly by now. But instead, the tip of his tail only does a few agitated flicks before he turns his attention back to the officials in front of him.

Yoongi does really well. Not that you ever expected anything less, but it still amazes you how collected and calm he sounds when you know he must be dying to tear into Mr. Park. Yoongi tells the court about what he can remember of short time at Mr. Park’s, and how he was forcibly separated from his mom to leave with an unknown man. There are some details he’s never told you about before, and you can feel your anger steadily rising as he recounts them. It’s hard to gauge which party the court may be leaning in favour for, their blank expressions not really saying much, but you swear you see a flash of irritation crossing the judge’s face as Mr. Park’s lawyer tries to rebut something Yoongi says.

You let out a small sigh of relief as Yoongi is told to return to his seat – happy that he hopefully won’t have to face Mr. Park for much longer. Mr. Park’s face grows more and more aggravated as the trial goes on, obviously not pleased with the direction it seems to be going in. It feels like you’ve been stuck in the courtroom for days when the judge finally clears his throat, “The court will take a moment to discuss the final verdict, you may stay seated until we return shortly.”

You don’t dare to even move a muscle, too scared that even the tiniest movement will somehow affect the outcome of the trial. You hold your breath as the court finally returns, eyes glued to the judge as he takes his seat.

“Based on the overwhelming amount of evidence that has been presented to us here today, there is no doubt that the accused is–“ The judge moves his gaze to Mr. Park, “–guilty. Mr. Park Geunho, you are hereby sentenced to life in prison for the murder of the cat hybrid Yoonsook. In addition, you will be fined a hundred thousand dollars for illegal hybrid breeding and trading–“ The judge’s voice cuts off as the door to the court room slams open.

“Wait!” A hoarse voice calls out. You whip around in your seat to find an older man stomping through the room, his gaze seemingly locked onto .. Yoongi. Your stomach drops at the same time Yoongi seems to realize what’s going on, his panicked eyes finding yours. His owner.

You’re already half-way out of your seat when Mr. Yang grabs your arm, the sudden resistance making you stumble back into the chair.

“Not yet,” He shakes his head at your confused look, grip tightening to make sure you won’t move.

Yoongi’s owner stops near the front of the room, directly in front of the judge. He has a nasty scowl on his face as he gestures over to Yoongi, his fingers shaking, “Whatever he just told you is invalid! He’s my hybrid, and he can’t speak without his legal guardian by his side.” The man seethes.

“That little fucker ran away, I’ve been trying to track him down for months! If anything you should be punishing him for disobeying his owner.” No, no, no. Your hands are clammy with sweat, torn between staying put like Mr. Yang told you to, and the need to get up to knock Yoongi’s owner flat on his ass for daring to speak about Yoongi like that.

“Silence,” The judge’s voice cuts through the room, the expression on his face unfazed. Oh god, does this mean this happens a lot? Can he claim him back and turn his testimony invalid just like that? Your work ends when you hand in your files, so you have no idea about what actually happens when the cases go to trial. You’re regretting that a lot right now.

“You’re Mr. Min’s owner?” The man nods, still with a nasty curl on his lips. “So I take it you bought him from Mr. Park Geunho?” The judge asks.

The man puffs his chest out, as if it question is something to be proud of. “Sure did! So if you don’t mind, I’ll take my hybrid now and–“ The man takes a few steps towards Yoongi, the cat hybrid pressing himself back against his chair with a loud hiss as the outstretched hand in front of him comes closer.

“But I do mind.”

“What?” Yoongi’s owner spins back around, a dumbfounded expression on his face. “But he’s mine?”

“Not anymore, he isn’t,” The judge gestures for one of the guards to bring Yoongi’s owner the sheet of paper he had been looking at earlier, “As I was saying earlier, Mr. Park, you are not only found guilty of murder, but you will also be fined a hundred thousand dollars for illegal hybrid breeding and trading. This means that you will provide a list over all the hybrids you have sold, so that their ownerships can be nullified.”

“Once the ownerships are lifted, the buyers will be investigated for partaking in illegal activities.”

You turn to Mr. Yang with wide eyes, the older man releasing your arm with a kind pat. “Told you to wait,” He gives you a smug smile.

Yoongi’s owner takes an unsure step backwards, the scowl slipping on his face. “And that list seems to include you. Actually since you’re already here, you might as well sign those papers. I’ll make sure we’ll get it processed right away,” The judge motions for the guard to grab Yoongi’s owner, the man sputtering out excuses as he’s dragged into an adjacent room.

“Well then, I suppose there’s nothing more to say. Court dismissed.” The judge rises to his feet to leave the room, but pauses as his eyes find Yoongi, a brief smile grazing his lips, “Oh right! Mr. Min, if you would so kindly spare me a few minutes to meet in the next room over, we’ll discuss the nullification of your ownership –”

“With immediate effect, of course.”

- - - - Oh no .. Yoongi is now ownerless .. Whatever will y/n do ..

(Also I promise the angst will stop in the next chapter. Probably) And I know courts and trials don't work like this but it's fiction baby!! Also; Mr. Yang and Ki-woo best boys who only wants to help, and a few of you actually guessed what Ki-woo was very early haha! As always, i hope you’re all well and my inbox is always open if you want to chat about the story or just fics or life in general! See you all soon! In case you maybe enjoy my stories and want to buy me a coffee, you can do so here! 💖

[hacked-by-jake]

Hey!

I've just got broken up with after 3 years because he cheated on me with multiple girls... (And blamed me for it)

Can I please request some Jake fluff? I leave it up to your artistic freedom, I just wanna feel better for a bit

Love your little stories, thank you for writing ❤️

The Truth

A/n: Hey dear, I hope you’re okay, I’m really sorry about what happened to you and thank you for telling me that. The words I will say are known from everywhere but they are true.You definitely deserve something much better than him. First of all, it is not your fault that he cannot control himself; it is not your fault that he cannot see your value. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve to listen, it’s your fault. Even though it’s always easier said than done but you have to forget it. He's not worth your time, he's not worth your power, and he's not worth anything else. I wish you much strength and send you much love. Feel hugged and if you want to talk to someone you don’t know, feel free to write to me❤️❤️❤️

So, when I saw your message, I jumped right up to write this. I really hope you like it and that it will cheer you up a bit. I wish you a wonderful evening/ a wonderful night or a wonderful day. Take care of yourself. And thank you for the sweet compliments.❤️❤️

Summary: Jake tells you the truth.

Words: 2,1 k

Far away from you, you can hear the quiet bells of the church beating. It’s exactly 12 a.m. on a beautiful summer night.

The cloudless and pitch black sky offers a beautiful view of the sea of stars that sparkles above you and Jake and gives you the feeling that this is the eternity. On the edge of Duskwood town centre, on an abandoned high-rise, you sit cuddling with the Hacker and just watch the Quiet Night. Only occasionally cars drive through the streets of the small town, again and again lights go out in apartments and houses to end the day. The large windows of the shops and stores of the shopping street light up brightly and from up here the few people who are on their way home look like like little ants. You’re leaning your back against Jake’s upper body, and he’s got his arms wrapped around you. His head rests on your shoulder and your legs are knotted together.

You look up at the sky and watch the stars. Every now and then a plane flies by and you imagine yourself sitting up there with Jake on your way to your deserted island.

A beautiful holiday destination that you have traveled two times. A cute little wooden hut surrounded by white sand and crystal clear water. It is just perfect. You remember the moment when you were lying in a hammock with Jake in the middle of the night, under the starry sky and the moonlight, and he read you something from your favorite book. As beautiful as this moment was, as beautiful is this one too. In Jake’s arms, you feel like you own the world, like everything else is standing still and only you and Jake count. And it’s true, up here, it’s just you, him and the eternity.

Satisfied, you sigh, "It’s so lovely here, isn’t it?"

"You're right. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world," Jake whispers in your ear and breathes a tender kiss on your cheek, making you giggle. You turn your head a little to the side to see him, "I’m talking about the sky." He grins slightly, "And I’m talking about something even more beautiful."

Your cheeks turn slightly red and you are glad that it is not visible through the little light. Even after two years of relationship, he still manages to flatter and embarrass you, but the other way around it’s the same.

"You charmer" you joke and turn your head away from him again.

"No, I’m not a charmer. I am a man who only speaks the truth!" He whispers and draws you even closer to his body.

"Oh interesting, and what is the truth?"

He makes a superior sound, "Turn to me," he demands and lets you go so you can move. You do what he asks and turn to him. You sit between his outstretched legs and put your legs over his thighs and slide very close to him.

"Now, I am curious," you wink and look into his eyes that radiate so much love and security that you would like to cry the most, that you have the feeling that a whole zoo would rage in your belly, so tremendously tingles your whole body.

„The truth is that you are the most beautiful thing that could have happened to me. Before, I always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. As if I were superfluous everywhere and nowhere would a person really understand me. I thought it was my destiny to be misunderstood by everyone and to be an outsider. But when I met you, with your extraordinary kind and your jokes. With your courage and your trust in me, I understood it wasn’t true. I realized that all I had to do was wait for the right person that I found in you. Since I know you, my world is colorful, I see the future and I don’t just live for myself. Or rather, I don’t just exist. Since I know you, my whole life has changed.

When I’m with you, there’s no place I’d rather be. You’re the last thing I think about before I fall asleep, even when you lie next to me every night. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, even if you’re half on top of me.

When I look into your beautiful eyes, I can see my future. I never looked for love until you came. I didn’t know that I longed for love and affection, I didn’t know how beautiful life can be. I didn’t know there was a person who made me feel what you made me feel. I had no idea that all I needed was you.

Before, it was just me and my computer. Trying to be anonymous and not letting anyone get too close to me even though that’s what I secretly wanted. All of a sudden, you made my world shine.

Everything I never thought possible became possible when I met you.

You know, MC, there’s flames, but you’re the fireworks, you’re the light that makes me see. Your eyes are my refuge, your touches are my salvation, your voice is my favorite music. Your smell is my healing, your lips my protection, and your love, my life. Your heartbeat is what keeps me alive, I don’t know what I would do without you. I don’t know how a life without you at my side was and is possible. When you enter the room, stops my heart for seconds and then beats twice as fast because you take my breath away.

Every time I look at you, I doubt whether this is the reality. Because I just can’t imagine how someone like you, so perfect, so beautiful, so sweet and tender, can be with me.

I know I talk a lot of messed up and confused stuff and I’m probably repeating myself, but if you could just feel what’s happening inside me while you’re sitting here with me, you’d think I’m crazy. And I am.. I am crazy about you.

I forget the simplest things around you. I forget how to talk and stutter all the time. Breathing is a hard thing too, because my emotions roll over when you’re there. I forget how to walk because I only have eyes for you and no longer look forward.

But I also forget all the bad, I forget all the pain, all the suffering, all the unhappiness. All thanks to you.

When I tell you something, you listen to me and you don’t just pretend. You’re interested in things I like, and even if I tell you boring computer stuff for hours, you listen to me carefully. If I’m not well, you leave everything behind to help me; if I’m happy, you’re happy with me. If someone treats me badly, you say something before I say something myself. You’re defending me from everyone and you’re defending me even if I’m not there.

MC, no one’s ever done this for me.

My heart is beating so fast I think it’s bursting. I feel drunk when you look into my eyes and confuse my mind, I feel so safe and loved. I feel like a human being since you’ve been at my side.

You showed me what happiness means, you showed me what love means. You showed me what life means and how beautiful life can be when you spend it with the right person.

I thank everyone out there that I can have you by my side. That I can be the person who is by your side, who may hold your hand, who may kiss you.

Who can sleep next to you, who can look at you all the time, who can protect you, and I always will. I will protect you from anything that could hurt you.

I would endure any pain in the world to stay by your side.

I would take any pain away from you so that it doesn’t hurt you, I would do anything to maintain your happiness and love. You are my God damn world! You are my angel, my heart, my one and all. You are my freedom and you are my prison, you are my happiness and my pain. You are everything, everything important in this world.

I wish I could describe to you how strong my love is for you but unfortunately there are not enough words to express it. And it drives me crazy that I can’t describe it to you, because I would love to.

I would like to express to you how damn much I love you because you deserve to see how I see you. Because you deserve to hear how perfect you are.

I love you so much that sometimes it scares me because I don’t know how to deal with it if you would to disappear from my life. I would never be happy again MC, I would never laugh again, I would never live again, it would break me, my dear.

We have too much in common. When you go, I go with you, when you cry, I weep with you, and when you live, I live. The truth is, all I am today and what I stand for is because of you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all that matters to me, I love you so much that my heart hurts. You gave me a life."

Like frozen you stare at him.

You’re not moving, any more than you were during his entire speech.

Silent tears run from your eyes like little streams. Laughing nervously, the hacker also wipes away some tears that he has lost while he poured out his heart and laid it at your feet.

"I also don’t know where that came from," he murmurs in embarrassment and clears his throat.

You don’t know how to react, should you fall into his arms and crush him? Should you kiss him until you can’t breathe? Should you just burst into tears? Or maybe all together?

Your head has trouble processing all its words and your associated feelings, you don’t know if this is really happening. Whether that’s real, whether you’re awake, whether you’re even alive.

It all seems like a dream, like a dream you never want to wake up from, but that’s the beauty. This moment is real, and it is yours.

"Please say something" his voice trembles slightly and he looks up into the sky, "I am afraid that you get up and run away after what I have said."

The worry in his voice finally lets you break out of your trance. Stormily, your arms wrap around his neck to pull him into a hug. From the momentum and the suddenness he has no chance to hold himself upright and tilts with you to himself, backwards. He groans painfully as he comes up on the ground and remains rigidly lying down. You’re hanging on him, clawing at him like someone’s trying to pull you away from him, hiding your head between his neck and his shoulder. Loudly you sob up and a tremble shakes your whole body.

"I love you," you croak weepy. Your voice sounds as if you have excruciating pain, but at this moment you are the happiest person in the world. "I love you so much Jake, so unbelievable that it hurts"

"I love you, too, my dear," he whispers and wraps his arms tightly around your upper body.

"I don’t know what to say. Or rather where to start" a little laugh leaves your lips, "I don’t know how to give it all back to you."

Jake grumbles, "You don’t have to answer or return anything. Please don’t say anything and take it like that," he asks, "Don’t say anything and just kiss me."

Of course you’ll grant him his wish right away. You straighten up and wipe the tears from your face. You put your hands on his cheeks and look deep into his eyes. He smiles as he wipes a few strands of hair from your face and pulls your head down to him and closes his lips with yours.

You stay there until the sun rises.

🌹🎭

[erricdraven]

i'm really intrigued by your s6 spuffy thoughts can you talk more about what you mentioned in your tags???

lol yeah i really lost my entire mind in the tags oops

but sure, i'm happy to talk more about it. it's the one hang up i have about the show that i still have yet to make peace with and honestly don't think i ever will. i really respect now as i've gotten older how characters challenge us to think from new perspectives, and buffy has always been a character that challenges me in a few specific areas. when it comes to buffy and spike, i'm immediately predisposed to empathize with spike when i comes to the way he's treated regarding his feelings because i'm very much a heart-on-my-sleeve, all in person with love myself, and so it's a really hard thing for me to consume something so personally difficult in media i enjoy. i also feel like i need to preface this by saying that at the root of all my thoughts about what their s6 arc is, i believe they are both in the wrong in certain aspects. i'm not saying that spike has done nothing wrong and buffy is the one making all the bad choices and saying all the bad things.

so, with all that said--

the best way i can think to pinpoint why i'm really bothered by buffy's part in their issues can be summed up in the scene in entropy (?) where buffy accuses spike of spying on her on the grounds that she believes that's well within his character to violate her privacy and life like that, and with all the things she lists that he does (lie, cheat, steal, manipulate), he says "i don't hurt you." that interaction really highlights how the power dynamic is really fucked up and skewed for buffy to use to take advantage of. she knows that spike loves her (and though she's really resistant to acknowledging he really does love her, she believes that he believes that he loves her) and has repeatedly acknowledged outright and acted on the fact that he wants to spare her pain in any way that he can. he wants to protect her from getting hurt and if he can't, he wants to comfort her and try to make it better. granted, sometimes his solutions aren't conducive for her, but the intention (which is really important!!) is always to help her and support her.

with this in mind, i think that is why i have such a hard time with s6 buffy. i've yet to get to a point where i can feel comfortable watching her relationship with spike in this season because of how tremendously cruel she is. i understand that she's in serious pain and she feels horrified at herself for wanting to engage in this dark twisted thing with him, but at its heart, i feel like the thing that makes it dark and twisted, given that she knows that he loves her and that sex with him means something, is that she has backed him into a corner by setting a boundary of "i can only accept this so long as it hurts us". as soon as she starts facing her feelings, she can't bear to let him in anymore. we see at the start of s6 that the dynamic between them is something very sweet and gentle and kind. spike is careful and kind and supportive of her as she tries to feel out how to live in the world again. he's understanding of her circumstances (empathizing with the pain and trauma of having to claw your way out of your grave), he kept his promise to care for dawn without any thought of reward (and continues to from then on out), she admits that when she wants to be alone, she still feels most at peace when she's alone with him, and she seeks his input and advice on how to try to figure out the things that she feels like she's way over her head about ("so what do you know about finances?").

people are fallible and characters aren't meant to be perfect, and i believe that's really how writing should be, but this is something i feel like is much more complex than just a flawed character in the throes of an extended major depressive episode. we don't really see any genuine remorse from her directed at spike for how she has treated him even when she admits her disgust with herself for how she was taking advantage of him. when we see buffy fall apart to tara in devastation at the person she's become, i feel like what we're seeing is just an overwhelming amount of self-hatred at what she sees when she looks at herself. it feels like very...self-focused shame, like people who are disgusted at the realization that someone sees and classifies them as a bad person. we recoil from that moniker because we know it's wrong, and that's what we see in buffy. she hates that she's "a bad person", but what feels really lacking for me is the self-awareness to then turn that self-focused shame into a more... i don't know, i hate to call it this, but altruistic shame at the way she has been hurting spike purposefully. taking responsibility for her cruelty i feel like should have looked like her bearing the burden of her shame about her actions, accepting the discomfort of having to humble herself and hold it and say 'yeah, this is mine.' all throughout s6 in particular, spike is consistently the bad guy in every equation when it comes to his relationship with buffy, and that has always felt wrong to me, like a huge disservice to the story and his character. is he a bad guy broadly speaking? yeah, he's more villain than hero for sure. but is he the bad guy in their relationship? i'd argue no, he's not, and we never really get catharsis for that!!

especially with spike having his soul in s7, the tumultuous and abusive dynamic of their relationship in the previous season is treated as something they can just look back at and say "oh well we can move on now and be good and okay because we're never going back there again" even though buffy never apologizes to him for what she did to him and acknowledges it was wrong by taking that responsibility. it's always framed as buffy's stance being "sex is bad and dirty, and engaging in "dark" sex with you was bad so we'll never do it again." i tried to hunt it down and couldn't find it, but @chasingfictions made an amazing post that really struck me, talking about how, while the idea of the soul being a determination of good and a lack of soul being a determination of evil is a bit too simplistic and unsatisfying in the debate of good vs evil, spike's pursuit of a soul and actually getting it all on his own so that he could be a better man to the woman he loves and the world she risks her life every day to protect is so powerful and beautiful. the fact that in the show's canon, no one that becomes soulless has ever sought out getting their soul back, and no only does he get it back, he wins it back!! he fought to have it as a step towards being better, and that intention of choosing to be better means so fucking much! and he made that choice to take an action of good without the soul in question, after having, on many occasions, acted contrary to his nature to be better.

the writing leads us to a point where we support spike's pursuit of redemption and are moved by it, but to me, i think buffy should have been driven to seek her own redemption too. without it, i personally feel a very pervasive sense that catharsis for everything they went through in s6 was never really achieved.

in conclusion (lmao)... everyone interprets text/subtext differently, and that's absolutely okay, so i'm not saying that this is the only right interpretation of things! but for me, after spending a really long time trying to reconcile this discomfort i feel with buffy's character and not being able to get there, this is where i've landed.

[empathpower]

hi! so, i found your blog through the narcissism tags. please remember that narcissists don't wake up every morning with a to-do list on how to make everyone miserable. we have low empathy as a result of our own abuse and trauma, and we aren't evil. demonizing us is a surefire way to make sure we have a harder time getting help or working towards being better. narc is not synonymous with piece-of-shit. narcs can hurt people, of course we can, but you can be horrible and not be a narc. we can love and care and have compassion just like everyone else, we can be kind and gentle and mindful of others. we are not inherently shitty. i encourage you to find some genuinely unbiased information about npd... it's difficult to find, as even the professionals think we're all asswipes from the start, but i promise there's good info out there. you could even talk to a narc, interview them, ask them about their emotions and feelings.

also, just because someone was selfish or arrogant or ignored your feelings, that doesn't automatically make them a narc.

much love, and i hope your day has been going well <3

Thank you for your kind message on how narcs are supposedly never wrong when they screw up.

My own mother is a narcissist and abused me tremendously growing up to the point where I felt like I wasn't allowed to speak up for myself, felt like I had no right to have feelings, and she used to hit me for no reason, laugh and convince me I was crazy for being upset about it, and got angry when I didn't want to turn against my own father and abused me further etc.

If you want to pretend that people don't have a right to hate narcs because of that kind of abuse than I am sorry that you're heart is in the wrong place. Narc is a term for someone who is self-centered, thinks the world evolves around them, is manipulative, abusive and likes to gaslight people and who pretend that they never do anything wrong (which is frankly what you're dong here in pretending narcs 'aren't bad.')

Please check yourself next time before you pretend narc abuse is ok.

Narc's don't want help. If they did they would have to realize other people exist and matter. But to do that they would have to admit they messed up which is something a narc would never do (and your message proves you're a fine example of that.)

If you want help sweetheart maybe you should go get it instead of justifying narcissistic tendencies and making them sound ok.

PS: If you're so confident in what you're saying then why are you so afraid to say it without the anon filter? (Also the fact you found my blog through the narc tag just proves that you were looking for trouble to begin with. Do grow up sweetheart and get the "help" you claim all narcissists' want.)

[eclectic-soulss]

Stuff I do to keep in touch with my spirituality...

There are lots of things we can do to keep us close and in touch with our spirituality, it all depends on what we personaly like , and of course on what our path, beliefs, and approach looks like.

Some may prefer quick little things on a daily basis, while others may prefer to do more complicated stuff every now and then. Some may prefer to communicate with deities, angels, or spirit guides, while others may prefer to take a secular or atheistic path. Some may focus on obtaining things like money, a house, nice clothes, while others may focus on obtaining spiritual alignment, connecting to source, or expanding their consciousness. That's why, the things each of us do, will look completely different and that is okay.

But in this post, I wanted to share with you some things that I do (or did at some point) that help me stay in touch with my spirituality. Maybe it could inspire you to start doing some of them or to come up with your own.

Being gentle with my natural rhythm: I cannot even begin to tell you how important this is for me, I've tried waking up at 5 to exercise and be productive, but it always felt like torture. When I decided to let my body dictate my daily rhythm things felt so much better. After a while of letting my body and my energy levels guide me, I discovered a thing called "Ayurvedic Clock" and my rhythm was so in sync with it. (I'll be doing a post about it soon). I now wake up at 7 but get out of bed at 7:30. My days officially begin at 10am, when I go for a walk with my dog and have breakfast. It is not until 12am or so that I begin to do school/work stuff. So, in conclusion, living in harmony with my body's natural rhythm has helped me tremendously in so many aspects.

Soothing and caring for my ego: I love my ego, I am grateful for having an ego because I understand that the only thing it wants is to keep me safe. So I treat it with love and compassion, every time it gets scared, has doubts, or negative thoughts, I let it know that is okay, that we are safe. I don't see the ego as an enemy, it is just a scared little friend that needs understanding, love, and reassurance. I don't have to kill my ego, I just have to calm it down with love.

Meditating with crystals: or just holding crystals in general, to me crystals are a powerful way to get myself into my desired state. If I want to be optimistic I take a piece of citrine, if I want to be true to myself I hold a piece of amazonite, if I want to do something that scares me I take with me a piece of carnelian. For me, the simple act of holding a crystal already puts me in a different mental state/ frequency.

Daily divination: Through divination, I feel connected to source energy and to akashic energy (will also be doing a post about akashic records pretty soon). Daily divination makes me feel like a messenger of the universe. And I can use those messages to guide me, pulling just one or two cards helps me go through my day much more confidently.

Listening to positive music: I used to listen to a lot of sad-angry metal, and I still LOVE that type of music. But I realised that the more I listened to it, the more I unconsciously began to think in the same way; I was hopeless, sad, angry. Changing the type of music I listen to on a daily basis has had a huge impact on my overall mood and approach to life. I now listen only to music with positive, uplifting, and loving messages. The sad angry music I let it for very rare and very specific situations.

Sunbathing for at least 15 minutes: Used to hate the sun, never got out of my house and if I did I would always try to avoid the sunlight. But when I began to embrace the warmth and beauty of the sun, something within me changed for the better. Now, sunny days make me feel so happy and positive, with a lot of energy and enthusiasm. (I actually think I may have had a vitamin D deficiency, and that's why the change was so drastic 😂). But anyway, I now love the sun so much that I even want to move to LA.

Recording and listening to my own affirmations: I loved affirmations since the first time I knew about them, but the ones I would find on YouTube wouldn't resonate with me that much. When I started writing and recording my own, things clicked. Listening to my own affirmations in a loop while meditating has been an absolute pristine way to change my beliefs and assumptions.

Scripting: I haven't done it in a while. But when I did it daily at the end and at the beginning of the day, my mood and reactions to things would match that of what I wrote. I always scripted stuff like "I am so grateful that my days are full of positivity, love, and light". And that's what I would experience, if something happened people around me (and I) would always react with love and had a positive mindset.

Sleeping more hours: I love sleeping, what can I say? On average I sleep from 8 to 10 hours 😂. It not only makes my body and my mind feel well-rested, or makes my whole mood better. But it also helps me feel connected to source and to other astral planes, and levels of consciousness. I used to communicate with Poseidon through dreams a lot. I also love to lucid dream and to analyse my dreams to decipher any messages that could be in them. A lot of my magic happens in my head, and dreams are a way for me to tap into that magic.

Drinking more water: If I don't drink enough water my whole body resents it. My head hurts, I get nauseous, I got no energy. And how am I supposed to be spiritual if I physically don't feel well?. I sometimes have to force myself to drink water, because if I don't I could go the whole day without having had a single sip, and that is not good.

Talking out loud as if someone or something was there: I don't know, I may be the only one, but I feel like talking out loud kinda gives me a bigger perspective of things. Like it's no longer just my ego thinking of a solution, but source itself (or a specific god) manifesting through what I say, offering me a solution. (I will also be doing a post about this). Talking out loud to nowhere makes me feel witchy and magical for some reason, although it may look crazy to others 😂.

Letting my emotions flow like the ocean: If there's something I learnt from Poseidon is that, resisting the waves of my emotions will just crash me down, but instead riding the waves will help me grow and learn. (especially emotions like sadness and anger). And with this, I don't mean just giving in to whatever I'm feeling, but instead accepting it and letting it be there for a long as it needs to. By doing this those feelings usually go away pretty quickly and I feel so much better after a few minutes or hours.

Keeping my space clean: This has a huge impact on my mental health. If my space is all messy and dirty that's how I feel inside, if, on the contrary, my space is clean and organised it manifests as positivity, will, productivity, and happiness.

Removing myself from unwanted situations and conversations: I don't mean this in the sense of avoiding situations that make me uncomfortable, but rather consciously removing myself from situations and conversations that don't bring anything valuable to the table. Like for example, gossip. Or conversations full of negativity. Or stuff like getting drunk for no reason at all. If it doesn't bring anything valuable to me and my development, then I don't want to be a part of it.

Living from the heart/love: This is something I'm still working on, living from love. Making sure everything I do and say is coming from love. For example, exercising because I love my body and I want it to stay healthy and strong, instead of exercising because I hate the way my body looks and I want it to be skinnier. Changing my mindset and my approach to things to one of love hasn't been easy, but it is something crucial to me so I'm gonna keep working on it.

#Conscious Souls

Eclectic Souls

[dailydoseofwildcard]

I finished Omori after a couple of days. Today is that day.

To begin with, words or images cannot describe how I feel. Not in the the beginning, not in the middle, nor in the end. This game broke me on several occasions. It made me upset, helpless, alone, tear up, and cry. Yet after doing so it put me back together. Making me laugh, smile, by helping others and not giving up in looking for Basil.

Those experiences I had with this game made we see things in a different light. People change, and can drift away, but sometimes deep down, they could be going through their own thing. Having a good support system should always be a guarantee. You shouldn’t feel like you have to bottle up emotions or push people away because you’ll think you’ll hurt them or burden them. Talking about your emotions is an essential part of growing. Not recognizing those feelings won’t allow growth, both with your self and others.

You should check on your relationships (friendships, family, S/O, etc.) once in a while. Not in a paranoid worry kind, but just a simple “Hey, how are you today? Do you want to do something together?”.

Pursue your passions, your dreams. You only have one life, do what you want to do. Don’t let others crush or try to steer your heart in another direction.

Enjoy the time you have with your friends, family, S/O, animals, etc. You don’t know when they might be gone from your life. Enjoy the things around you. We take almost all of the things we have for granted.

Look on the bright side. Being a pessimist isn’t good for anyone, especially yourself.

What I’m trying to say is:

You will be okay. Even if you think you won’t or aren’t right now, you will. It takes time to heal, and talking about things with the people you trust or love the most will help. Follow your dreams, when you get out of that dark spot in your life, doing the thing you love to do will help tremendously. Or doing them right now in this dark spot will boost you to continue to push out of what you’re going through. Most importantly:

It’s okay to take care of your needs before others.

It may sound harsh to you but you may feel like you have to help everyone at once…but you shouldn’t give when you have nothing else to give. Take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. You may be doing good physical, but not mentally or vise vera.

Going full circle back to Omori, this game made me emotional at so many different times, and in the end made me feel fatigued. So, because of this, I might be taking a break for…a week? Just to collect my thoughts and start doing the things I enjoy. Spending time with the people I love. Making myself feel good mentally and physically. This should also apply to you, dear readers. Go take a nap, eat something you enjoy, do something you enjoy, spend time with others, or just take a break.

If you’ve read this far or care about my thoughts on the game…I think it’s a solid 10/10. Even though I didn’t get to complete all the things I wanted to do or really 100% this game, it’s really good. Heed my warning though, if this post says anything, this game is cute yet world shattering only to pick up the pieces and put you back together with the left over pieces. So while I do recommend playing, this game isn’t for the faint or heart or easily disturbed. And while that might apply to some of you reading, I too am not faint of heart or easily disturbed yet again words cannot describe how I feel in the end.

For closing this already long post, I’ll be quoting The Juggernaut on his review from Steam:

“The developers did a fantastic job in leaving an impact on the player. Even if you've never had mental illness or have faced it from a friend or loved one in any shape or form, you feel empathy in trying to comfort these characters. This game, as bittersweet as it was in its message, made me appreciate all the friends and people I've had in my life along the way. I've been fortunate enough to have been loved by my friends and family, and I hope, if anyone is reading this, you'll have that same fortune, and if not now, maybe one day.”