#my friend in high school did that to me when I was too much of a sarcastic bitch
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soleilapproves · 3 days ago
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Wearing a backless dress in front of Nanami for the first time.
Note: early relationship feels. F!reader, AFAB reader. Not proofread, I’m sorry for torturing you guys. A smidge of SUGGESTIVENESS
Nanami was a punctual man. He hated tardiness especially when it came to himself. Which is why he was getting agitated when you were taking too long to get ready.
“Honey, are you done?” Nanami impatiently called out from your living room. You were going to meet his friends for the first time today. It was a high school friend group reunion because everyone conveniently happened to be in the same city at the same time.
You were all meeting at a very luxurious bar so you wanted to dress well to make a good first impression. “Yeah, let me just get my coat and we’re good to go.” You said as you left your room to get to the coat stand in the living room. He thanked his lucky stars at that moment. He knew it took you a long time to get ready but he was starting to think that he should give you an earlier time so you could get ready faster from here on out.
But time stood still for him when his eyes landed on you.
Nanami immediately stood up when he saw you. He involuntarily put his hand on his chest. Almost like he was trying to calm himself down.
His tawny eyes raked down your figure. It was a simple dress- full sleeved with a square neckline and a hem that reached right above your knee. The show stopper was your bare back.
Sure, Nanami had seen you naked a few times since the beginning of your relationship, but he hadn’t seen you dress up so beautifully unless it was for a date at an expensive restaurant (which seldom happened for you both enjoyed exploring hole in the wall places).
Friends be damned. His girlfriend looked like dessert served on a gold platter.
“You…” His rasped out. He couldn’t even find the words to describe the sight in front of him.
He slowly walked towards you (with heart eyes) and removed your jacket from your grasp. “Everything alright?” Your eyes searched his but he was too busy staring at your neckline.
“Yeah, just… spin for me, darling. I want to take this all in before we leave.” You giggled at his request and did as he asked.
“Like what you see?”
“Very much.”
“You can have me whenever, babe. We’re gonna come back to my place after meeting everyone anyway.” Nanami pulled you to him with a small tug to your wrist after you said that.
“Yes, but knowing that we’ll be late because of how beautiful you look makes me feel excited.” His said as he stroked his fingers up and down your back. He leaned in to get a kiss but you pulled away. “I just did my makeup.” You whined.
“Just one little kiss. I promise I won’t ruin it.” You groaned at him but leaned in, planning to leave a small peck on his eager lips.
Except you were met with an intoxicating kiss. His mouth was ready to devour you as his hands situated themselves behind your head.
“Kento-“ You tried to remind him of his promise as you pulled away but he just used his grip on your head to pull you back in.
“Little more.” He mumbled into your mouth. You let out of a sound of annoyance and he squeezed your ass to comfort you.
His tongue lapped up whatever was left of your lipstick as he continued to attack your lips. His hands pulled you impossibly close that you could feel his need for you through his pants.
After what felt like ages, you both pulled away. “Great, we’re going to be late now.” You said as you stomped away to your room to apply more lipstick.
“Come back!” He yelled out as he followed you. “We can afford to be a few minutes late.” He said as he entered your room and closed the door.
You had managed to shake the principles of the ever punctual Nanami Kento.
-
I was thinking about that one scene from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days while writing this. You know, when Benjamin sees Andy in that yellow dress?
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dadvans · 5 hours ago
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Your latest ficlet is so good… I can’t stop thinking about Tommy having to tell Buck about their 10 year old, it’s delicious
(part one)
There really isn’t much cool to do in Ukiah. Buck told Tommy this and he could hear Tommy rolling his eyes over the phone the way he said, “Buck, we live in Tehama, she’ll cope,” and then Tommy had said, “we can all go to a park, you can kill me and they’ll never find the body, it’ll be a great way for you two to bond.”
So, just before noon on a Saturday morning one month after the CFCA, Buck sees his daughter for the first time in person, watches her as she practically dislocates Tommy’s arm as they enter his favorite coffee shop and she bounces right up to the counter, braids swinging. It’s quiet, morning rush over and lunch rush yet to come, so he hears Tommy say, “you can have one flavor.” He hears his daughter’s voice for the first time when she leans on the butcher block counter top, smiling, and says, “a white hot chocolate with raspberry, please,” like she’s getting away with murder.
“That’s a small,” Tommy says, “and a medium drip, thanks. For here.”
“With whipped cream,” their daughter adds.
“None for me,” Tommy says, as if automatic. Like they’ve done this a hundred times. Maybe they have. He digs out his credit card and taps it against the register screen before he actually looks up and around to spot Buck sitting in the far corner. He nods. Buck raises a tentative hand, gives a small wave, and then Tommy is leaning down and getting their daughter’s attention, pointing him out.
She skips over while Tommy waits at the counter.
Buck wants to puke.
“Hi,” she says, and she reaches out a hand like she’s a little adult. “I’m Mary.”
“Nice to meet you, Mary,” Buck says, by some miracle finding his voice. He shakes her hand. “I’m uh, I’m Buck.”
“Daddy said your name is Evan,” Mary says, letting go and sitting down.
“Oh, yeah, Buck’s just my nickname. It’s what my friends call me. So, you can call me Buck too.
“Evan’s my middle name,” she continues, as if she didn’t hear or care. His daughter. “Mary Evan. Evan’s usually a boy’s name, but girls can be named Evan too. Like Evan Rachel Wood. She’s the mom in Frozen Two.”
“Yeah,” Buck says weakly. He didn’t know that, even if Jee made him watch everything Frozen before she hit high school. “My niece used to love that movie.”
Tommy walks over to join them, two mugs on little plates in hand. The smaller one has a mountain of whipped cream, sprinkles, and a straw.
“Here’s your cup of sugar, kid,” he says, sliding it in front of Mary before sitting down with his own. He takes a sip and gives an approving nod. “Not bad.”
“Yeah, I like this place,” Buck says, trying to keep his tone even. “They roast their own beans, so my house gets their coffee from here.”
“That must make you popular,” Tommy says, voice wry but not unkind, “Chief.”
“Daddy says you’re a Chief that doesn’t fly helicopters but still fights fires,” Mary says. The table shakes a little, because she’s kicking her feet.
“Uh, yup, just a boring, regular firefighter,” he replies. He can’t stop looking at her. Even with her braids she’s got frizz coming out from underneath her beanie bright red, redder than he was when he was her age but without ever seeing a picture of Tommy as a kid he’s sure she gets it from him. Her eyes are blue like the Pacific Ocean, murky and deep. She’s wearing a puffer vest and long sleeves even though it’s late September. Tommy always ran cold too, he remembers, thinking of the one summer they shared together.
“That’s not boring,” Mary tells him, so serious, before taking a sip of her drink. “I like engines more than helicopters. Did you know helicopters have a thirty-percent higher chance of crashing than planes? I’m learning percentages in school.”
His heart bursts. Yeah. She’s his fucking kid.
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southerngothicchic · 2 days ago
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we're too young to be lonely (part one)
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King!Steve Harrington x reader (18+)
This is a rewrite of a fic I wrote last year that I felt could be improved upon 💖
The King of Hawkins High had made a habit of climbing through your bedroom window every Friday night. His visits started out innocent enough, with you both commiserating about the past week of school and maybe sharing a kiss or two.
As weeks went on, and as both of your crushes grew, sweet kisses turned into steamy makeouts. He would murmur how pretty you were into your neck as he tried not to leave any hickies, though he desperately wanted to.
He wanted everyone to know you were his, but wasn't sure if you wanted to belong to him, outside of your bedroom.
It was a typical Friday night, with you laying in bed, waiting for Steve. The radio hums lowly while the dim light from your bedside lamp illuminates the room. You keep glancing up from the latest issue of Seventeen every few minutes to check the digital display of the clock on your nightstand. He's usually here by now, you think, as you're beginning to think he's not going to show.
If something changed he would've let you know, right? A horrible thought then enters your mind making you wonder if he's lost interest in you and found someone else to spend the night with. You glance at the window again before shaking your head.
After all the nights you spent together, you knew he wouldn't do that to you. At this point, you knew him better than his 'best friends' or anyone else at school did. He was different when he was with you, so sweet and attentive, you almost forgot about his famous persona.
As you wrack your brain for answers, you hear a familiar tapping on your window. You look over and see his silhouette crouching outside the glass.
With a relieved smile, you get up and cross the short distance to let him in.
He greets you with a smile and a soft, "Hi," before he climbs into your room. You feel his arms around your waist as you quietly close the window. You turn, in his arms, to face him, still with a smile on your lips.
"I was starting to think you stood me up," you say, now with a slight pout.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes, nuzzling his nose against yours. "My parents came home early so I had to wait til they went to bed to sneak out."
"Oh," you breathe, as he ghosts his lips over yours.
"Did you really think I'd miss a chance to see my best girl?"
You sigh his name, already under his spell in record time.
"I missed you," he whispers before finally kissing you.
You eagerly kiss him back, wanting to make up for all the lost time spent not kissing the cutest boy you'd ever seen.
"I missed you, too," you reply, breathless with your fingers gripping the sleeves of his sweatshirt.
"I can tell," he softly laughs. "Maybe we should extend these visits to more than just one night."
You glance up at him, with a hopeful shimmer in your eyes, that makes him weak.
"You really like me that much?" You ask, earning another soft laugh from him.
"I wouldn't keep coming back if I didn't," he replies, bringing his hand up to cup your cheek. "You're, like, the only real friend I have."
"Is that how you see me, just as a friend?"
His eyes widen in panic as he stumbles through his reply: "No, I mean, at first, yeah, but not now. I like you more than that."
His thumb tenderly brushes your cheek as a goofy smile forms on your lips.
"So you like me like me, then?"
"I thought it was obvious, but yeah, I do," he also smiles, as he leans in to kiss you again.
You sigh his name against his lips as he guides you towards your bed. He smoothly slips off his Nike's before laying you back onto your sheets, all without breaking the kiss. His denim clad thighs press against your bare legs, making you feel extra vulnerable. He subtly spreads your legs with his knee, so he can nestle his hips between them. You gasp into a kiss when he grinds teasingly.
"I guess I don't have to ask if you liked that..." he pants, between kisses. "You wanna feel more of me?"
You nod, while whimpering a soft, "Yes."
"Okay, honey," he smiles, gently taking your hand and placing it between your bodies, against his growing bulge.
"Want you to feel what you do to me..." he breathes, as he nips at the tender skin under your jaw.
You palm him through his jeans before squeezing slightly. He moans into your neck as his hips chase your touch.
Moments like these still feel so surreal to you. Having Steve Harrington in your room was one thing, but touching him like this was something else entirely. Feeling him through denim wasn't enough, you wanted more.
You pull him into another kiss while your hand moves to unbutton his jeans. You feel him shudder when your fingertips graze his skin. You tease him through his briefs at first, before slipping your hand under the waistband. He whines against your lips as he feels your fingers wrap around him.
"Mmm, fuck..." he breathes, while you slowly stroke him. "I've dreamt about this."
"Have you?" You ask, between kisses.
"Yeah, been wanting you to touch me like this," he whispers, desperately trying to keep his voice down. "Its all I can think about most days."
You smile into his kiss, feeling truly desirable for the first time in your life.
"You're all I think about most days," you quietly reveal before kissing him again, muffling another moan.
He pulls away, and sighs your name, already looking completely wrecked.
"If you keep on, I'm gonna-" he warns, before your hand stills. "And I don't want to yet, not like this."
"What are you...?"
"I wanna go all the way with you," he whispers, gazing into your eyes.
"Steve..." you breathe, his name the easiest thing for your mind to latch onto, as his admission has you reeling.
"Only if you want to," he adds. "I won't make you do anything you don't wanna do."
You notice how he's looking at you, with such sincerity and adoration, it's almost overwhelming.
"I want to," you softly reply, holding his gaze.
He smiles. "Yeah?"
You nod. "Just... not here, not with my parents down the hall..."
"You could always come over to my house," he offers, leaning in close. "My parents should be going out of town again soon and we'd have the place to ourselves."
"I actually have a better idea," you reply, with a smile. "I just remembered mine are going to a dinner party tomorrow night and will most likely be gone for most of the night."
"That is much better," he agrees, his lips brushing yours. "We can have our first, proper date then."
He feels you smile against his lips before you whisper, "Yeah, we can."
He pulls away, for a moment, so he can admire the sight below him.
"I really like this," he compliments, lightly dragging his finger along the collar of your silky pajama top.
"I was hoping you would," you quietly reply, as you watch his eyes darkening.
"Is it okay if I...?" He then asks, his fingers already gripping the top button.
Your eyes meet his as you nod. "I want you to feel more of me, too."
He leans forward again, pressing his lips to yours, as his skilled fingers unbutton your top. The lightest scratch of his nails against your stomach makes you shiver. He pulls away slightly to marvel at you again, and suddenly you feel too exposed. The look on his face instantly reassures you, as it's one of awe.
"You're so fuckin' gorgeous," he laments, leaning in close.
He nuzzles his nose along your jaw, before trailing kisses down your neck. You pull your hand from his jeans and curl it into his hair as he kisses his way to your collarbone. Soft moans of his name fall from your lips as he places wet kisses against your breast. His mouth has your back arching into him, as his teeth barely scrape your nipple. He flicks his tongue over it and you have to keep yourself from screaming.
He's presses himself against you, unable to keep from grinding, as you feel how hard and big he is.
"Fuck, I can't wait til tomorrow night..." he pants, words almost muffled by your skin. "...When I can kiss you like this while I'm buried deep inside you."
You whimper his name and he thinks it's his new favorite sound.
"You still want that too, right?" He asks, glancing up at you, his amber eyes alight with desire.
You nod, as your pretty, pink lips part with a gasp. He tries to hide his smirk before raising his head so he can kiss you again.
The way he kisses you is so deep and romantic, its unlike anything you've ever felt before. Your thoughts melt into a dreamy haze, as the only constants are how you feel about him and how he's making you feel. It's a moment seemingly frozen in time that you never want to leave.
"Can I feel more of you?" He breathily asks, with his hand hovering over the waistband of your matching silky shorts.
You hesitate, trying to catch your breath as you gaze up at him. Your hand grips his sleeve as you struggle to answer him.
"It's okay if it's too much. We don't have to -" He comforts before you interrupt him.
"I want you to touch me. I've dreamed about this, too," you admit, as a familiar heat rises to your cheeks.
"I want you to tell me about all the filthy dreams you've had about me," he smiles, as his fingertips lightly glide across your stomach.
"I might, someday," you smile, in return, pulling him into another kiss.
You feel him smiling against your lips before deepening the kiss.
He slips his hand into your shorts, and presses the pads of his fingers against the thin cotton of your panties. He softly moans when he feels how wet you are.
"You must really like me," he whispers, as he teases you with his finger.
"I do," you breathe.
"Want me to make you feel good?" He asks, pressing harder.
"Y-Yes, Steve, please..." You almost don't recognize your own voice as you've never heard it sound so desperate.
"Fuck, I'll do anything for you, honey," he replies, his own voice ragged as he slips his hand into your panties.
He slowly eases his finger inside you while his mouth hovers over yours. He whimpers over how tight you are as he begins to pump it in and out. Your eyes are already rolling back at how different and good he feels compared to you.
"Look at me, honey," he quietly commands, nudging the tip of your nose with his. "Want you to keep your eyes on me when we're like this."
You nod, obediently, as your hands claw at his sweatshirt again. His kisses are a little rougher as he adds another finger. He's already losing himself in you, in wanting to make you feel so good, you'll never want anyone else.
You body trembles underneath him, as you fight to kiss him back with the same intensity. You whine his name repeatedly against his lips and he can't help the smug look on his face as he says, "I know it's good now, but imagine how much better it'll feel when I'm actually fucking you."
You finally break eye contact as your orgasm washes over you. His lips are instantly on yours, quieting your continued cries of his name. Your fingers now curl around his wrist as his movements slow. He pulls away just enough, and once your eyes meet his, you smile so warmly at him. He leans in again and covers your face in kisses.
"You really are my best girl," he laments, gazing at you with total adoration.
It mirrors how he was looking at you earlier, but there's something new in his eyes. It's a hint of something more, something deeper that he can't find the words for yet.
He stays with you for the next few hours, as you just lay holding each other, before drifting off to sleep. You wake him up sometime before sunrise and tell him he should get home. He whines, tightening his arms around you before getting up.
You stand next to your window, with his arms around you again as he gives you a lingering goodbye kiss.
After watching his taillights fade into the early morning air, you climb back into bed with a smile. You close your eyes, your thoughts consumed with being his girl, before sleep overtakes you again.
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sweetshuga · 1 day ago
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Heather ✰ MS [Finale]
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───~𓆩♡𓆪~───
bsf!matt! A change of heart? Or the truth?
wc. 1.1k
note. English is not my first language! Part 1 2 Bonus
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The rest of the day went on as planned, but the rejection hung heavily in your heart. The storming emotions swirling inside you matching the thunderstorm outside.
Your mind was elsewhere as you sat around the table with the triplets, eating the pizza they ordered and chatting away. You tried to keep your emotions in check, and just as you took a bite from your already half-eaten pizza, Chris and Nick finally noticed the slight redness in your eyes.
"What happened to your eyes? Did you cry or something?" You and Matt both tensed up at his words, sneaking a subtle glance before looking back at Chris. "You look high," Nick’s comment made you laugh slightly, "yeah, maybe I am," you tried to joke.
"You know you can talk to us right?" Chris added, taking another bite out of his pizza. You heart warmed at his words and you smiled, nodding, "yeah, I know, but it’s nothing big, I might have bottled things up a bit too much." You shrugged, downplaying it all.
Nick sighed, knowing exactly what had happened. After all, you had told him all about your crush on his brother. It wasn’t intentional, it just slipped out one day and you simply got obligated to tell him more—which you didn’t mind.
He gave you a knowing look and you responded back with a silent gesture, shaking your head as a sign that you got rejected. Nick gasped audibly, "really?" he mouthed silently to you, and you nodded, "really."
Matt and Chris looked at you both with raised eyebrows, "uhh, mind telling us what the fuck you’re silently mouthing to each other?" Chris chuckled in confusion while Matt looked almost... conflicted? As if he understood the silent conversation between you and Nick.
You and Nick downplayed your silent conversation as just a slight gossip, and Chris seemed to buy, but Matt looked thoughtful even though he didn’t say anything about it.
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You almost screamed out loud when you opened your eyes after washing your face and saw Matt standing behind you – looking at you in the mirror – with his arms folded. You turned around as you wiped your face with a towel you borrowed.
"You nearly gave me a heart attack, why’re you just standing there?" You asked confused, putting the towel aside to put on some moisturiser, but got pulled towards him when you turned around to look in the mirror.
Your breath hitched and you tensed, not knowing what the fuck just happened. That didn’t go unnoticed by Matt, and you could’ve sworn he smirked before schooling his expression. "Matt, what are you doing?" You turned around fully to face him again, your eyes wide with confusion and surprise.
"Hm?" humming as he pulled you closer by your forearm, rendering you speechless at his proximity, "you know... did you really think I was telling the truth?" You looked at him, just stared at him for a good minute or so before your brain followed along with his words.
"Huh?" you asked dumbly, eliciting a low chuckle from him, "huh indeed, even I’m surprised by what I’m about to say." His eyes searched yours, suddenly looking awfully nervous. "Uh... What–" "I like you." You froze, did you hear him correctly or were you just daydreaming like usual?
"Excuse me?" He seemed a bit taken aback by your disbelieving tone, misinterpreting it as rejection and started to talk quietly and rather quickly, "well, I uh... like you, you know... not as a friend, I mean I do like you as a friend and—and also, when I said I liked you like a sister, that was all just a bunch of bullshit, I—you—we," he paused, his expression slightly pained as he tried to explain it but was at loss for words.
You felt a headache coming, your brain short-circuiting as it tried to grasp and comprehend what you just heard. Rubbing your temple as you closed your eyes briefly before opening them again. With furrowed eyebrows you spoke, "what did you just say?" Matt cleared his throat, "you heard me," and you almost groaned out loud.
Why does he always say that annoying ass sentence all the goddamn time?
"Well, because of a certain someone talking like they’re trynna compete with eminem in a hushed tone, I don’t think I did." He raised an eyebrow at your words, "whatever, I like you." he bluntly said as he looked straight into your eyes, "hell, I might be head over heels for you already."
He waited for your answer, only to get another "huh?". His eyebrows furrowed at your answer, or rather the lack thereof, "I like you—" you cut him off, finally speaking, "You were just saying how much you missed your ex a few hours ago, how do you expect me to trust you?"
He winced at your words, knowing the situation he just got himself into as he tried to backpedal. "I know how it sounds like, I was just lonely is all, I don’t love her anymore, my feelings for her died when we broke up and I— seeing you cry, possibly because of my stupid words about my ex, just broke my heart."
He continued in a more quiet voice, "and I understood and realised just then, how much I actually like you. More than a friend, more than I thought. I love you— I really do. I don’t know how I can prove it right now, but I am sincere."
You were conflicted, one part of you wanted to trust his words, but the other part felt the need to press further and get more answers. The latter won.
"Prove it then, Matt," crossing your arms before continuing, "prove to me that you’re being serious because I need solid proof—" he suddenly pulled your hand to his chest, letting you feel his rapid heartbeat under your palm.
"Do you feel this, pretty? Do you feel what you do to me? You make my heart race just because you’re standing close to me." Your own pulse quickened, a shaky sigh falling from between his lips as you didn’t pull away your hand, instead pushed it slightly more against his chest.
You looked at him, searching his face for any reason not to trust him, but even if you found any you wouldn’t question him further. You knew you were far too gone to care.
You let his words soothe you, and let yourself trust his words, despite that small part of your brain screaming for you to be suspicious, but it quickly dissipated when he enveloped you into a warm embrace—full of promises.
After all, he’s telling the truth, right?
𓆩♡𓆪
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wc. 1,114
isa's notes. This is the "happy ending" version! If you want an angst ending then you can consider part 2 to be the true ending<3
Masterlist 𓆩♡𓆪 Taglist
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Taglist: @strnilolover @mattsfavoritestar @sophand4n4 @tpwktahlz @lilyyliloo @slut4angstt @pvssychicken @poolover123 @loud-sturniolos @ihatehighschool9thgrade @inlovewchrissturniolo @queenshet @chrisstopherfilmed @ihrtbbygirl @billiesbabya @splashhsworld @h3arts4nat @thebigbadwolfahoooo @moosegirl96 @sofiaaguilaxx @sturniolo-fann @goingtojohnkramershouse @sturniolosluttt @chrislilcumslvt @mattsninja @bilssturns @urfavallyyy @sturnioloszn @slvtf0rchr1s @knowingnothingnoel @shadowthesim
Special taglist: @mattsredgaphoodie @blahblahblahm @sturniolosobsessed @emmaweasley @brookheartsmatt @lvrsturniolo
© sweetshuga
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yardsards · 1 year ago
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also. amber gris as a character is really important to me as an appalachian.
not just her accent or the specific type of person justin based her off of but like
the feeling of losing someone to addiction/overdose while the government does nothing to help, just criminalizes and stigmatizes and makes things worse. which obviously happens in more places than just around here, but we have one of the highest rates of overdose death in the whole country and that whole set of scenes felt like they were really informed by growing up around that
#eliot posts#taz#taz ethersea#the adventure zone#amber gris#drugs cw#death mention#i've made posts like this and deleted them cuz i never feel like i'm wording it just right but just. god.#i'm lucky enough to have never been addicted or to have a best friend or immediate family member die from it#but i've lost or nearly lost extended family to it#and it's like.#my own accent isn't that thick and neither is my immediate family's or best friends'#but i've known ppl who talked like her.#specifically a man named larry who lived with us when we were real young#for some reason especially the way amber says ''come on'' just always reminds me so strongly of larry's voice. he said that phrase a lot#he was the one who taught me to tie my shoes even after my parents lost patience with me for being 'too old' to not understand#he drank excessively like my dad did but he never got mean with us kids#he came and went a few times over the years. the final time he left was when i was in late elementary#he died of an overdose when i was in high school. i didn't feel much of anything at the time.#it had been so long since i'd seen him but also i was at a point in my life where i'd've been numb to big emotions like that anyway#so my parents got drunk about it and i did nothing. just went to school and shit as usual.#i did not expect those feelings to get dredged up by a goddamned comedy dnd podcast#but they did it well i think#even though i had to pause it to take a breather multiple times. i enjoyed it overall. cathartic i guess?
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pawbeanies · 9 months ago
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hii can we smoke together but i'm a beginner and dont know how to use a lighter so you laugh at me (softly) as you light it and show me how to take a hit before handing it off to me....... can we....
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sadgirlautumn · 16 days ago
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every time I think i've managed to go a day without anxiety it says "haha just you wait!"
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j-esbian · 4 months ago
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thinking abt how much of my life i’ve lost to depression and i truly want to throw up
#day to day doesn’t feel like much but. oh no it’s been like fully a decade#i wish therapy wasn’t so expensive#bc for a while i was on meds (that. didn’t do much tbh.) but that made me feel like i was Treating It so i was making progress#spoiler alert it did not. and now the fact that i’ve wasted so much of my life is making it worse#bc everyone else i know has like. lives and people in them#and i pretty much just have my parents. and my mom is also going through it#i have relied SO much on them and that also feels bad!!! feels like i’ve taken advantage of them!!!!!#i know people talk about how much it messes w your memory but i figured it was short term bc the days all blend together#i literally had a moment yesterday where i forgot i went to college at all#the whole thing feels like a missed opportunity bc i didn’t do anything i wanted to really#i was too afraid to go to clubs that looked interesting. i didn’t think practically abt what i was studying#i mostly didn’t have roommates but when i did i was Bad At It#i managed to go through the whole time only speaking to like. three people#so you can see how it’s kind of. completely forgettable#i have worked jobs bc it’s a paycheck. never really enjoyed them never really made friends (even tho now i’m kicking myself for not keeping#in touch with some people) but i have always kept a very strong work/life division even in school#because i was there to do a Specific Thing so that’s all that matters yknow#anyway. sometimes i DO wish i could go back to high school bc even tho it sucked. it was structured#and i had resources and more time to try things and like. a life outside of my computer. a little bit#yknow. i feel like people have more sympathy if you’re anxious abt everything and never gone outside#when you’re 16 as opposed to 25
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vogelmeister · 7 months ago
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been feeling mixed on some of my friends recently
#i love them but im gonna explain#i don’t want this to boil over like the twins did#but one of my friends i feel so cast off sometimes#i get it bc shes full time adult job employed now#in healthcare no less#but im just getting fully annoyed at her lack of availability and it makes me sad#im getting even sadder actually bc she also always seems to have time to hang with her uni friends whuch hurts#like im like okay i know you have this from 6-7 so how about we meet for dinner at 7:30 bc i wanna see you casually and she says no#and i think i really need to talk to her bc it makes me sad and then i feel slapped in the face#even on nights out we always have to go home early. which my friend basically said:#i think in future if you wanna go home you can but others shouldn’t have to too#bc my other friend got so sad she was forced to come back early and i was like yea i would have liked to have sat at manly with yall#bc i feel we don’t do this any more#i honestly think it’s better to just let her figure it out and go#i don’t want me to sweep so much shit under the rug until i despise her#bc i know this isn’t her fault i just wish she would let loose or make an effort#my other situation is my childhood best friend#i love her a lot she’s amazing. but but but. sometimes i feel she can be too protective of me.#it comes from a place of knowing me for so long#and i do trust her opinions on people who i surround myself with bc she fucking hated those twins#but sometimes i feel she has been treating me differently since my neurodivergence diagnosis#even with a certain high school friend she held this dislike even when i said she was not like the twins#bc she was hanging out with the twins at the 21st#like this girl was also having her issues with the twins and was the person in the firing line of the breakup#even when i was in nl she was so worried about me and its nice to have her have my back#bc after that guy kissed me directly on the lips she suddenly became concerned about ppl taking advantage of me#and its like to me great she cares but also i did in fact learn from it#but she gets super defensive when ppl take advantage of me and i just wanna her to step back#i just feel sometimes i don’t need her feeling like she needs to protect me or that i need to hang neurodivergence up like a flag#idk its a lot. thank u for listening
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fvedyetor · 5 months ago
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going to pride events makes u feel both underdressed and overdressed at the same time. magic and trickery. and gender envy.
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xcziel · 5 months ago
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feeling nostalgic and watching utube reactors discover classic songs and then feeling both old and incredulous
#1980s music#like someone watching blondie's rapture and then stopping to go 'oh it reminds me of something it's so familiar'#different people (all younger) do this all the time and it can be infuriating#like it's an older song - did it ever occur to you that maybe what you're thinking of ... took inspiration from THIS song????#although in that case it was rather grandmaster flash and the nyc rap scene bc of course that's what the song was referencing#it's the boss baby meme but in music form#and i know i'm guikty of it too but at least in the correct direction - looking back to things that came before#not being aghast that a beat they've heard s thousand times was sampled from an old song that copied an older song lol#i will say that it is SO weird to me that peopke who say they are into hiphop never seem to reference the rap from my youth#like the late 70s and 80s sound that everything after is built on#and it's not like i know a lot about it beyond watching yo mtv raps at night lol#but i had to watch kids struggle to recognize the warren g regulate sample from michael mcdonald#like SO much of the early sampling era was just tons of samples of old records - anything they didn't have to pay for#and then listening to things and going oh this sounds like the weeknd - bro the weekend sounds like 80s songs#he sings and structures the songs in similar ways to classic tracks rather than the current trend (sometimes)#gah i'm just ranting here rather than in some poor utubers comments#i wish i had some fellow old folks to jabber with#but even when i was in high school i didn't have any friends that liked the same kind of music as i did#bts getting me more interested in music and watching videos has really been a double-edged sword sigh#everything with a live studio band with bass in it: 'oh this sounds like disco'#or worse something literally built off a disco sample and it's like they've never heard a disco song other than ymca in their life
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taegularities · 2 years ago
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i'm hurt 🥲
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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#ugh. im feeling chatty today. probably bc i feel kinda weirdly anxious. like when u can Imagine bad things happening in detail#and like it feels like ur wait for it even tho its in ur imagination? whatever. anyway. ive been watching a lotta#stuff on like professional artists and idk maybe im just in too deep on science academia but i dont. i dunno the culture#seems so weird to me? like what does one do in art school? i guess i took a lot of art in high school but my teacher was kinda trash#all we did was paint realisticly using a grid and i hated that. but i image ur supposed to exercise different styles and medias? how tf#does that get graded? i dunno. i haven't taken any uni level art classes. i should tho. id probably like it#its weird tho. anything that tries to give structure to art stuff seems so weird to me. like u go to school for science stuff to build up#ur background knowledge and i guess u can do that with art but it feels different. i guess bc ur training muscle memory. i dunno#i like to imagine an au where i go to art school but i legitimately cannot fathom doing that. cannot fathom a life outside of my toxic#relationship with academia. i dont even kno what i would want to specialize if i went down that path. maybe illustration#bc it makes me happy when ppl say my style looks like something out of a kids book. i dunno#i guess classes would help with things like forcibly learning shadows and anatomy and composition#maybe i just need to make art friends. like what is ur life like? im too much in a science bubble#i guess going to art school also just devotes all ur time to art. not just tiny pockets of time between all the things u have to get done#god. i can only imagine the panic of procrastinating an art project and physically not having enough time to finish it#thats how i felt with my masters thesis. there was just physically not enough time for me to fix my code in all the ways i needed and rew#rewrite things. but i finished it somehow#ugh. god. i have things i need to finish coloring. i will finish them today. i will#i hate coloring. but colors r so pretty ;_;#unrelated
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britneyshakespeare · 1 year ago
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So I was back to subbing at the elementary school today, which as I've mentioned is my favorite place to work. In some ways it's just the most comfortable to me; this is now my fourth year in a row I've had some kind of job associated with kids of that age group who attend that school, so I know a lot of the students and faculty. Actually, a lot of the faculty who work there today have been working there since I was a student.
Most of them recognized me immediately when I started showing my face there, like I didn't graduate from there over a decade ago, age 11. There was one para, who now works as a library assistant, but who used to monitor lunch and recess. I didn't remember her name but I knew her face. The first time she saw me subbing she was just like "oh, hi Diana."
I was talking to her this morning before school started because a first grade teacher unexpectedly called out, so I filled in for her for the first hour of the day before I started the job I clocked in for and a replacement could be found. But this library assistant usually leads the morning meetings with this first grade class and would help me with attendance and all those other beginning-of-the-day responsibilities.
She was saying to me "You know, why don't you work here full time? You're good with kids. You'd be good at it." In other small talk we'd had last year she had asked me similar things, like if I'd ever consider taking up a steady job at the elementary school, how my school was going, etc. I'm in between college right now but currently not taking classes. And I mentioned how I'm trying to take more sub jobs at the middle and high school so I get more well-rounded—that actually is the age group my education major is in. I've been working with the preschool-to-fifth-grade age range but my plan has always been middle-to-high school English.
And I was telling her about that, and I was like "You know what? When I tell people I want to teach older kids, some say to me stuff like 'oh you never know, you might change your mind'—and only recently I've been wondering if I really would. But I hate it when they're right!"
And that made her laugh. But it's true! I do really love working with the littles, as it turns out. Been doing it several years now. But in terms of anyone who's ever mentioned that to me unprompted, I wanna be like... hey, what do you know?!?!
#i have complicated feelings about it#my elementary school is a good place to work though. maybe i would be a para or smth full-time. id consider it#tales from diana#it's just. actually no one would ever say that to a man lol. that's probably why that bothers me#altho. i did actually get my one friend to start subbing in the district too.#male friend. my age. does other stuff for work so he doesn't sub as much as i do.#has the same level of education as me but has considered becoming a teacher someday and i was like 'why not try subbing?'#so i sent him the application and then that was that#and he. like a lot of men. doesnt primarily WANT to teach elementary or early childhood.#great news btw. a 5th grade teacher retired at the end of last year and one of the new hires is the first#male classroom teacher this school has had in YEARS. the only other male teacher is the gym teacher. thats SAD#but yeah so i was telling him 'i know u might be intimidated by working w kids but you should really try it'#'you might like it more than you think'#what's funny is tutoring and working in childcare didn't make me feel like i wanted to start teaching younger. at ALL#but subbing around has made me rethink it. but then again it also might just be#i get the most boring ass shit to do when i sub at the middle or high school.#subbing at an elementary school is so much more involved no matter what youre doing#with olders it's like. ok here's your assignment your teacher left you. sit at your desk and shut up#i realize the bias that is at play here making me reconsider my future path lol.
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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years ago
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in the power of Noticing Things The Xth Time Around the instrumentals-imitative "doot. doot. doot. dooWAH" vocals that kick in during the second verse of centerfold? superlative
#i've heard the song a fair number of times & always enjoyed it a lot. high energy & fun; a little goofy in great ways in subj & sonic style#it is extremely correct to work w/imitative vocalizations in your music no matter what. put in more. More#(and the Vocal [doot] being on the backbeat as opposed to the Instrumental [doot]....superlative!]#and did i Mention that [verse into chorus] synth line...the drumming underneath it...#even the faux Live Performance psychout ending. a song about a Specific Ass Situation thank fucking god. deserved to chart like that.#also anytime i say Dad Rock i use it fairly neutrally lol. i'm a fan plenty of songs that would qualify; to be more specific#lmao love the instances of [no matter how many ties i hear it i cannot distinguish this sequence into phonemes in a way that corresponds to#words (or words that fit into the context in any comprehensible way)] i.e. went ''okay time to look up lyrics b/c i will always be going:#flowers What about her dress??'' & the line is apparently ''while i was thinking about her dress'' lol love when the revelations of#mishearing are funny like Ah right....and claims it's ''slipped me notes'' rather than ''slipping notes'' but doesn't change too much#being like [i cannot decipher these lyrics] is generally a more fun casual version of ''especial tendency to struggle w/audio processing''#versus like not knowing what tf someone's said in this part in a movie or smthing no matter how many times you hear it#or of course the most A Problem: not being able to parse what's being Spoken in some in-person situation#might be an occasion you can't get anything repeated; might be an occasion where for some reason/s a repeat doesn't even help....#also forever the Idiosyncratic Origin Stories behind [genuine friendships formed when you are autistic] e.g. like yeah one of my good#elementary school friendships? was one where we did parallel play; maybe never or very rarely actually Spoke; our Distracting Each Other#was punished with more of a singular intensity than i ever saw Anyone's ''distracting each other'' interactions....#took years of being at the same job (part time; so not like monday thru friday 9 to 5 Always being there at the same time anyways)#for me & a coworker to start talking & become work friends; then regular friends#their name was angel; so the menace i became when we had such a dad rock station on & these alignments occurred#though i would be engaging in singing along to things in general lol so
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silverandebony · 2 years ago
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#today i started thr math 31 course again (i did it previously in high school but now i'm upgrading to hopefully get a better mark)#and while doing the preview/review questions i was like ah! i will listen to music! so i pulled up the wolf 359 soundtrack because that's#what i have on my phone! and that was a mistake#i listened to wolf 359 pod a ton while studying for the math 31 final so having that association again obvioisly pulled up memories#and i fucking miss my friend so much#we were in math 31 together (it was literally our Only class together the whole time we were in high school) amd so we hung out while#studying! and i listened to wolf 359 while studying! and now starting it again and listening to wolf 359 music is like#friend where are you you are supposed to be here with me#between not seeing each other in school every day anymore and the pandemic and them moving to bc with their partner and#both of us being adhd we fell out of touch even though we were each other's best friend#the last time i saw them in person was christmas a year or too ago when we were able to sit and talk for a bit and exchange presents#we couldn't even hug because we were both concerned about covid. my family doesn't really do touch so thr last time i got to hug someone#was when i went to visit my friend thr february before the pandemic hit#and i mean we kept in touch for a little ehile but thrn we both fell off and were slow to respond to each other when we Did message#the last time we did more than one consecutive message to each other it was so... weird. they spoke like i was any regular person#not... me; in a way if that makes sense. like there was a sense of distence that'd never been there before#this christmas and their birthday i've wished them happy holidays and birthday and those they responded to but neither of us took#it farther; i messaged them today asking if they would be interested in us setting up a time to talk and catch up again and i haven't#heard back from them yet#i just miss them so fucking much#and i'm terrified i've lost them#i hope they're as healthy and happy as they can be wherever they are and whoever they're with#but i just want to talk normally with them and catch up and be friends like we were#i want that so fucking badly#a you're not going to see this because you're not on tumblr or at least you weren't before and you don't follow me#but i love you so much and i miss you and i hope you're well#i want things to be normal again. i want to be able to go visit you and not have to worry about covid. i want to have never fallen out#of touch with you. i want to tell you about all the new things in my life and hear you tell me the new things in yours#i want you to take the time in the middle.of your anniversary dinner to call me to ask about thr long term effects of cannibalism just like#you did before. i want to be able to spend time just existing in thr same room as you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
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