#my first address was with a provider that no longer exists

[parfaitblogs]

'tis the damn season ❀ s. reid x reader

in which christmas is the season to crawl back into your ex's life, and you accidentally do so one drunken night. 

pairing: ex!spencer reid x fem!reader genre: flangst tags: still in love exes. alcohol consumption. (sleepy) drunk reader. spencer reid's fear of dementia. word count: 1.3k a/n: obligatory do not contact your exes this holiday season. just fantasise about doing it to spencer reid. it’s opening night for my play so!! here is this while i go off to do that!!! :D

❄︎ advent calendar masterlist

Fourteen missed calls.

Spencer Reid had fourteen missed calls, from a number he did not have saved, but could recognise despite the months that have passed and the seasons that have changed. 

Why did he have fourteen missed calls?

Christmas was always an awful time for him. The striking reminder that he was alone in a big city, for his mother does not remember him this year, his father does not exist in his life, and his friends have families of their own. 

And then there was you. Oh God, there was you. 

He thinks even when he grows old and his brain begins to delete files from his expansive memory, you will stick around forever. He thinks he is physically incapable of forgetting you, even if he tried. Sickeningly so. 

Shaking hands answer the sixteenth call before it can ring through, having watched the fifteenth come and go. He was met with a lot of silence, and he had to question if he even had picked up the call. 

But yes, you were there. Quietly. Breathing into the phone, perhaps surprised by the fact that he had actually answered. Or maybe this wasn't you. Maybe you had changed your number, or gotten your phone stolen, or—

"Spencer?"

If anything were to pierce the silence in his apartment, it might be the shattering of his heart as he listens to you speak his name for the first time in thirteen months. Your voice was so familiar, yet so different, too. You had thirteen months of growth, and yet you sound the same as you had the day he first met you.

"Hey," he finally breathes out, and he hears you shakily exhale. 

"Can you open your door? S'really cold out here."

He freezes. The causality in your tone tells him there's something else motivating your random reappearance in his life, followed closely by the faintest hint of a slur in your words. 

Oh.

He heads to his door, and sure enough, on the other side of it, stands you, in something borderline ridiculous for the December weather. No wonder you were freezing. 

"What're you—why're you—come in—it's freezing," he stammers out, eventually deciding on stepping to the side to let you into his warmer apartment, the visible relaxation of your shoulders providing some comfort to him in light of your state. 

"Your hair," you say, eyes wide as he coaxes you inside and to his kitchen countertop. His fingertips probably burn holes through the fabric of your dress as he guides you. 

"My hair," he replies, and though it isn't posed as a question, he is confused. 

"It's longer," you clarify for him. "I like it."

He provides a weak smile. "Thank you. Are you cold?"

"Not anymore," you shake your head, finding a seat at his island, folding yourself in half over the edge of it, resting your head on the marble. "Your apartment's warm."

He nods his head, walking around to the other side of it, using his hands to lift your head back up. "Don't fall asleep."

"'m not," you mumble in response, though your head growing heavier and lolling into his left palm claimed otherwise. 

"Liar," he muses, and you huff, quietly, but force your eyes open regardless. He ignores the heavy feeling in his chest when the two of you lock eyes. "There she is. Why're you here?"

"I dunno, actually," you say, and his heart sinks. "My friends put me in a taxi an hour ago. Or two hours. I don't really remember," he presumes one hour — you were still so drunk. "And I asked him to drive me around. He said okay, but he needed a final destination too. I guess I gave him your address."

"Why?"

"Habit, maybe," you murmur.

"It's habit to take a taxi back to my apartment?" 

You shrug your shoulders. "'Cause I used to. Back when..."

We were still together, hangs off the end of your sentence. 

"Christmas party?" he then asks you, and your head nods against his palm. 

"For work," you end the word with a yawn. "I wanted to Merry Christmas my way back into your life, I guess."

He knew it was your lowered inhibitions spilling these details out to him, and he should pretend you aren't saying things like this for your own benefit. But he also couldn't stop the visceral reaction he has towards your admission of wanting to reenter his life. 

"You shouldn't," he replies. 

You pause, searching his face all too intently. "D'you not want me to?"

It's a loaded question, and he knows the response he wants to say is vastly different to the response he should say. But you're staring at him, albeit inebriated, and he has nothing left to do but curse his impeccable memory for reminding him of everything he hasn't had for thirteen months. He misses you. 

"I don't want you to do something you regret," he settles on saying. 

"Well, 'm already here," you mumble, and his hands soften on your cheeks, before he slips them away. 

"Yes. You are," he nods, standing up straighter. "Do you have a way home?"

"Um, Uber, I guess."

"It's too late and you're too drunk for an Uber alone," he disapproves. 

"I took a Taxi here alone—"

"—I'm not letting you go home — alone —from my apartment in your state," he counters immediately. "I don't really care how you got here."

You relent quite easily though, murmuring a quiet, "Okay," that shocks him. 

"Do you want to shower?"

You nod, your feet slipping from the stool and landing on the floor. He's moving back around to you to help the second he watches your hands brace on the edge of the countertop, an arm looping around your waist that makes your stomach swim. 

"I can walk, y'know."

"Uh-huh," he doesn't believe you fully, and you don't have it in you to fight with him as he leads you to an all too familiar bathroom. As he sits you down on his toilet lid, he says, "Stay there. I'll get you some clothes."

"Yes, Doc."

His cheeks puff as he expels a sigh at the nickname, shaking his head as he disappears back into his bedroom. 

By the time he's returned, your eyes are fluttered shut, your head sitting probably uncomfortably against the wall next to his toilet. But your chest is moving evenly enough for him to conclude that you had fallen asleep that quickly, and he didn't have the heart to wake you back up. He'll take your frustration in the morning.

You barely stir as he carries you into his room again. Instead, he swears you curl further into his bedsheets the second he places you down on his mattress. 

"Spence?"

He's barely two footsteps towards his door when you speak again, and his heart shatters. He turns over his shoulder, and though you're speaking, your eyes are barely cracked open. 

"Where're you goin'?"

"The couch," he says, confused by the frown that tugs your lips down. "What?"

"Come back. This is your bed."

"It is," he nods. "But you're in it."

"'m not gonna bite," you say, your hands weakly stretching out towards him.

He takes a few beats to determine whether or not he'd take up your offer. But he is too weak of a man to not give in, and he doesn't know if he'll ever get you in his bed again. So, he sighs, and begrudgingly climbs back into his bed next to you.

"Hey," he turns his head, a question dancing on his tongue. But when he finds you again, you're fast asleep once more. Habitually, as if it hadn't been thirteen months, he brushes the hair that had fallen out of your face, and he smiles.

And, to no one in particular, he murmurs, "I'm glad you Merry Christmas'd your way back into my life."

your reblogs and replies are always appreciated ♡

[johnbrand]

Loyal

With @mrrharper

I can not recall what started it really, there was just something off. Almost like a persistent tick within the back of my head, a missed alarm that somebody had forgotten to address from far away, and yet was still just barely registerable on my radar. It was like I was the only one that heard it, felt it, knew this tiny thing even existed. I was all alone.

When I had first come to college, I had no idea what to expect. The whole atmosphere had changed since the pandemic; competition was everywhere. I was no longer “smart enough” for the STEM kids, and yet I was not “passionate enough” to join any special interest groups. Everything had suddenly become a challenge to be the best, the greatest, but my background was not built for that type of drive. I began to assume college was only for my peers ready to commit everything to reaching the practically unattainable.

But Coach saw something different in me, he saw potential. He was the one who got me to stay. He was the only one who not only saw my tick when no one else had been able to, but explained it to me. He believed that the culture around education had become too individualistic, too single-minded. It was appropriate that I had suddenly felt inferior, unnoticed and left behind in the slaughter others had created. I needed to be a part of something greater, a team. His team.

At first, I had found Coach’s opinions beyond ludacris. Me? In sports? My body practically lacked everything necessary for a college athlete, unless it was in e-sports. I maintained my health fairly well, but I was toned and skinny, and practically too short for any serious competition. The only sport I could have seriously considered was swimming junior varsity–at a high school level. But soon I learned that Coach's opinion was law in his territory, from the locker room to the field.

Coach decided to tackle the standard issues right away, knowing that at the base of every great player is dedication. His questions opened up my formerly firm mindset and ideals, offering up new possibilities.

“Is it truly impossible for you to believe that I, an experienced professional, would not be able to help you discover a greater purpose as one of my players?”

“Wouldn’t you rather be a part of a team, a successful unit, rather than having to navigate the world on your own?”

“Do you really need to focus on other things outside of our work together? Are classes, friends, and family truly improving you like our time in the gym and on the field are?”

I did not realize it, but the more Coach questioned my morals, the more my mind began internalizing his. Coach believed that his players were all like the states in the mighty “US of A,” the greatest place on Earth. Separate, we had some power and identity, but nothing of significance. But together, as a part of a greater cause, we could become something much more impactful, more important, than our individual selves.

“If you become a part of my team, then wouldn’t it be more meaningful to be a player both in mind and body?”

“Perhaps your feelings of inadequacy aren’t stemmed from your lack of participation in college, but in general. Wouldn’t you feel more fulfilled if you followed a greater cause, like the traditional role of men in society?”

“Don’t you think what you are searching for is something to uphold? Maybe at large it is masculinity, but at a personal level supporting your teammates and likewise supporting me?”

Thanks to Coach’s help, I began to reprioritize my schedule, in turn reorganizing my life. With his approval, I was able to weed out some of the classes that were hindering my performance to become a better player, before I eventually stopped attending lectures all together. It was much easier to listen to Coach anyway, and he promised he would provide me with all the materials necessary in order to graduate. 

With my time freed up, I was better able to absorb Coach’s teachings at a rapid rate. My body quickly started to expand, packing on muscle in the weeks following faster than I thought was possible. It was as if every week I had to purchase new clothes, before eventually Coach began supplying me with past players’ hand-me-downs. My biceps and triceps became too large for any sleeve, my thighs would practically rip through every pants seam. It was not long before I was practically forced to endless sleeveless tanks and tight shorts. I even managed to gain height although I was past the prime of puberty, reaching an appropriate 6’3 for any linebacker.

That was what Coach said I was to become. Not any linebacker, his linebacker. When he first told me his plans, I had been shocked, but soon I began to instinctually follow his orders. Eventually, he stopped calling me by my name altogether; I had been reduced to “Linebacker #1!” in all his references.

Strangely enough, it was like my body responded to this new name accordingly. My boyish features almost vanished over the course of a day, leaving behind a wide jawline to support a much broader skull. My general hygiene fell backwards in priority, allowing for hair to cover my beefier frame and a manly mustache to crawl out onto my upper lip.

I had even begun to emit a sweat-induced, locker room musk wherever I went, although after a while I lost any embarrassment in it. In fact, I took some pride in my larger figure. I soon weighed over 230 pounds of pure girth, muscle, and mass that helped me pummel my opponents on the field. There was something so invigorating about being large and in charge…while still being under Coach’s orders.

“What if your purpose all along was to play football for glory and to preserve tradition? And was I not the one who helped you discover that purpose?”

“Why would you possibly want or need anything else from outside of the field? Aren’t you at your best when you are a part of my team, a piece of a larger puzzle?”

“Wasn’t the only thing you ever wanted all along was to be Coach's loyal football jock? A place where you can be your biggest, most masculine, most aggressive self without ever having to worry about anything else?”

By the time preparations for the next season began to roll around, I had stopped questioning Coach. I had realized that he was right, that he had been right all along and would remain as such. I was no longer considering his viewpoints, now merely just thanking him for them. I had begun coming to Coach for advice on any topic. Should I be worried about my dropping grades? Is it ok to get physical with nerds who insisted that the team was “a bunch of stupid pawns”? How could I be a better player for the team, his team?

And now, I was strutting around the conference room filled with reporters and many other beefy, aggressive jocks just like myself. I was feeling proud, cocky, arrogant even. Since joining his team, I had gained strength, girth, and attitude, all of which had earned me the title as the up-and-coming star collegiate linebacker. I did not need anything besides my masculinity, I did not need an identity outside of Coach’s team. I was simply his loyal football jock, and when I heard him call out for “Linebacker #1!” I immediately turned around. That was my name after all; whatever I was called had been long forgotten.

[haveyoutriedrebootingit]

Friendly neighborhood tech support cryptid here with today's advice:

Do not use your school or work email to sign up for things, unless they are specifically school or work related.

This is not a "they are watching you" thing, although with your work email there's an element of that, it's a "you might not have access to this email later" thing.

Your best bet is to open two gmail (or any other long-standing free email) accounts. One, you use to sign up for stuff. The other you use to talk to people. You may occasionally use the first to talk to companies, but it's going to fill up with spam soooo goddamn fast-- even just from the people you signed up for.

But the point is that this email address will be available if you drop out/quit, get kicked out/fired, or graduate. Yes, I know a lot of colleges give free email for life to alumni. That can change, especially as most of those colleges haven't thought about the server/storage costs of such a promise in perpetuity. If you do have such an email, you'll want to sign into it regularly, if only too see if the school has sent you a notice explaining what you need to do to keep this email, and what date you need to do it by, and how apathetic they're going to be if you didn't read it and lost the email.

You can't reset the password for an email you can't access, so don't provide an email that can be taken away from you with little or no notice. (When I got laid off from my job at a fortune 500 company, I had twenty minutes before they shut off my email.)

I would say 5% of the calls I take are people who desperately need access to an email that no longer exists, because they signed up for something important with it, and now they can't reset their password.

(And don't use your phone number if someone else is paying for the phone. Maaaaybe if it's your parents, and you're really cool with them, and you know they're going to let you take the number if you get your own plan.)

[royalarchivist]

Quackity: This project is not over and I’ll do everything necessary to strengthen it day by day. It is a process. Step by step, and it will take time. But I’m taking care of it. [...] I have a personal conviction with this project and I’ll keep working to improve it.

This video is also available on Quackity's VOD YouTube channel, and will include English translations very soon. Please take a moment to read through the transcript of his stream in the meantime; I think it will help a lot of people feel a little bit better.

Translations provided by @QuackitySubs.

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

—

Quackity: I turned on stream to give an announcement regarding what’s happening with the QSMP structure. I know there’s people with many doubts about lots of things so I hope this helps you all understand a little bit more. I’ll be saying all of this in Spanish because I find it easier to express myself in it since it’s my first language. I wanted to make that clear.

I want to give, and explain, a little bit of the context of everything, ok? These past three weeks have been very turbulent regarding many aspects. The restructuring process that’s going on for the project has not been easy at all. Before I involved myself, and I said it before, there was people who damaged the project in very harmful ways, administrative and financially wise. I addressed this before. But I haven’t given any updates or anything of that nature because the only updates I’ve had are all inner and of legal matter. Therefore, there are no visible changes, but they’re important ones that need to be done.

I’m telling you: people with ill intent have been removed from the project, and I’m still in the process with people that have caused a lot of this harm since the beginning. That has been one of the main focuses of this restructuring that’s being carried out. Guys, I want to make something very clear: during this process, the actions that are being made have to be done with extreme care.

Recently, I’ve wanted to give many updates both inside and outside, but we’re facing a very critical issue that’s leaked information. I don’t know if the people who leaked information and announcements from the inside knew this was going on. But when I gave inside information and it leaked where it shouldn’t have; that affected the process that was needed to take care of many things. And the people who affected me administratively and financially, which I already talked about in a past stream, found out about matters that they shouldn’t have known about and used this information to twist it and affect the process. This complicated to a great extent many things. This is why I haven’t given any announcements. This is why I’m not able to talk freely as much I’d like to, and I’m not ignoring or evading but a very, very delicate process is being carried out.

Since the beginning it was known, within my involvement, that to achieve a complete change we had to start with the people who affected me, the project, and that were the cause of many issues that have been going on this whole year. With that being said, what happened was we started looking for a financial strategy for the project because the costs are very high. The project was going to shut down, I already talked about this. And as soon as I could define through different strategies, if there was a way to support the project, the next step was going to reestablish the many QSMP parts that did not longer exist. And I want to make something very clear; given the financial circumstances of the server, I did not want to make anybody a promise that not even I knew could be fulfilled. For this reason, this element was still present- the financial element, and I could not give any more inner updates because I was working on a very important part of the financial element of the server.

It is my understanding that the lack of communication has been notorious, and I reiterate, it’s not on purpose. There are many matters behind the scenes that I’ve been meaning to address, but I’ve had to be very, very careful. I understand if there are people who do not agree with the approach of the process, and if you don’t trust the project neither the process that’s being carried out, don’t worry. I don’t have an issue if you stop consuming the project. I understand that completely. I said I had a personal conviction with the project and it will stay that way.

I’ve been working arduously, and I’m going to do everything in my power for the project to continue but with the best conditions possible, and something I want to make very clear is that this process takes time. That is something I want to make very clear. This process takes time.

Guys, there’s people who have parted ways with the project and that will continue leaving on their own will and I understand that fully. I don’t have a problem with whoever took or will take this decision and I wish them the absolute best. In fact, I made an inner announcement where I let them know that a restructure would take time to be implemented. And there’s people that, for reasons, no longer want to be a part of this project, and I completely understand it because it’s not easy to be in adjustment stages, so I understand. Something I announced from the beginning was that my main goal would be that the project would go back to normal, but with the best conditions possible. This can be achieved following the right dynamics and the right setting for every person contributing to the project and this cannot be done within three weeks. This entire process continues.

Having given a little bit of context behind many aspects regarding the project, I ask of everyone that would like to stay, their utmost patient. I don’t want to make any promises and I don’t want to sugarcoat it. I want to make concrete actions. And that’s what I’ve been doing, whether you can see it or not, that’s what I’ve been doing step by step.

Guys, the changes that I’m doing are in the project’s best interest and I’ll say this openly: These changes are in the project’s best interest and for the people who love it, people who have been impacted by it, people who follow and love what this project means. These people are my motivation and the inspiration for which I started the project, for which I’m still doing the project and for which I’ll keep doing the QSMP. I am not doing this, and I want to make it very clear, I am not doing this for the people who, for a very long time, want to see the project torn down through efforts that show the complete opposite of having love for the project. Be it non-constructive comments, malicious actions, ill intentions wishes upon me, the team, and any community that consumes the QSMP, and the project in general. To me, that all of these ill-intentioned people stop consuming the project does not bother me in the slightest. I want that very, very clear.

Guys, let’s not forget about something very important: it is very difficult to build something but it very easy to destroy it. To everyone who would like to join us in this building process, you’re welcome. For those who seek to destroy it maliciously… this project, since the beginning, wasn’t and it is not made for you.

Lastly, I’d like to say that these past days I’ve been getting many calls, emails and messages from people all around the world expressing what QSMP means for them. This is why, and I’m saying it as it is, this project is not over and I’ll do everything necessary to strengthen it day by day. It is a process. Step by step, and it will take time. But I’m taking care of it.

I want to thank everyone for putting their trust in me beforehand, and I reiterate my personal commitment to strengthen this project. I hope this clarified some doubts and gave context that to many people it was necessary. I reiterate, I have a personal conviction with this project and I’ll keep working to improve it.

[renhanaschewtoy]

Personal Possession

[[okay first little random bit that popped into my mind, getting the cobwebs off writing. Idk]]

You'd been good.

So good.

Or as good as you figured you could be.

It could be worse, you choose to believe that. Frankly, you need to. You remind yourself that Ren, while occasionally some unpredictable, treated you well. You were fed home cooked meals, something you didn't always even give yourself. He usually tries to accommodate you unless he had a particular rhyme or reason stuck in him that he deemed better. You were clean, you were healthy aside from the occasional zap, the accident with the nail gun seemed so far away but the passage of time was blurry.

Which lead you to where you were currently, settled on the couch with your usual accoutrements of the ankle shackle and collar while Ren was out. To your apartment. He'd taken your keys, asked you for your address, and a list in hand.

He'd seemed so excited, so happy, to do this for you. Asking you to make a list of what you'd like him to bring for you. And you knew better- you knew damn well than to try and pull anything. So you wrote down a few sentimental pieces and where they would be, your favorite personal cafe products, some of your clothes...you don't entirely remember it all. You were too preoccupied conveying how grateful you were to him, how thoughtful and considerate he was being, peppering him with cooed words of praise.

You had learned what he liked, so when Ren would lean in- you would bend. Maybe you were broken, maybe you were conditioned. Did it matter at this point? This was your life now and for better or worse, Ren had sunk his claws in you. In more ways than one, but you loved him.

This was love.

Something something manifesting, something something speak it into existence or whatever.

×××

He wanted to provide for you. That's what men did. What lovers did. But even he had to carve his own way, be it literally or otherwise. Your so soft skin was a beautiful testament to that. But Ren wanted to reward you. Gentle, polite, soft, oh so sweet you. That perhaps some tokens of your own might comfort you more. After all, he had promised that he would adjust the bedroom more to your taste.

The thought of planning and renovating the room together brought a warmth of domestic bliss into Ren's chest. His lips curled into a grin as he twisted the key into your apartment. He was quick but he savored it a little- the smell of you everywhere, the way you decorate, the things you like and collected over the years...but better things now. New things going forward.

Quickly he rummages about your bedroom and bathroom. Taking products from your shower, the same enticing smells that were on your skin when you first met. Your skincare, so he would know what to get for you going forward. Even a couple articles of your clothing and a bottle of your perfume/cologne. He can't help but sniff a little a twitch of his sensitive nose as Ren swoons. Things will be better now, you'll feel more comfortable in your new home.

He takes such good care of you, he's been so sweet on you, and you've responded so good to your training.

Pausing at the door of what used to be your room, he can't help but smirk at the well loved stuffed fox on your bed. "How cute..." He murmurs to himself, striding to stuff it in the bag with the rest of his things. Ren knew he'd gotten so lucky, to say you were a jackpot was underrated with this little token.

This was something written in the stars.

Ren absconds from your apartment, locking the door littered with notices of your pending eviction without so much as a second glance. After all, you wouldn't need it anymore. Not when you had him. He was all you needed now.

×××

You jolted slightly hearing the door unlock, open, then shut. A soft rustling of fur and canvas, signalling Ren being home and no longer needed to hide his ears or tail. You shifted to sit upright at attention as Ren padded into the living room with a wide grin.

"Miss me?" He teases playfully, though he's clearly pleased with himself it's clear he's pleased with you as well.

"Always." The words leave your lips so easily, you barely have to think about it. And really? You did. You'd grown to like the comfort of him curled against you, late night anime marathons, even the sex. Maybe you'd always had a deep chasm of loneliness in you, maybe this was...okay. Things could change, in time. People too. Maybe it wouldn't always be this way. You hoped. But there was always the voice in the back of your head, Ren's voice, purring "If you're good~."

"Mmm...you're so cute." Ren croons in reply, preening as he settles on the couch next to you, nuzzling into the crook of your neck affectionately. A gesture you return as you shift your head to snuggle against him in kind. His hand reaches for your face, tilting your jaw just so that he can slot his lips against yours. You can feel his grin against your lips and he hums approvingly into your mouth as your eyes slip closed. Ren parts from you, thumb brushing over your lower lip in pause, seemingly in thought that you don't interrupt. "Here, I brought you some presents." He withdraws to pull the duffle bag onto your lap.

You bite your tongue for a moment, a witty remark that if they're already yours they aren't really gifts. But you're not there yet. Yet. For now, you are grateful for some of your own creature comforts. Your own belongings. Things you own rather than being a possession yourself. But you chastise yourself for the brief thought. Your eyes glance at Ren as if for permission to open the bag or if he would rather make a show of it himself. You're met with that same warm smile he gives you, the one that lets you know it's okay.

The sound of the zipper seems incredibly loud in the silent house. You peeled back the flap and the reaction was nearly immediate. It was as if you'd been shocked from the collar but different. Ren's brows furrow and his confident smile begins to wane as your breathing becomes shaky and tears begin to head your lashes. His clawed fingers twitched for a moment as you began to hiccup and cry as you slowly pull out each of your things.

Were you ungrateful??

Ren had gotten almost everything that you wanted!

He was rewarding you!

He was-

"...Thank you!" Your sob is soft but your words, god- Ren doesn't know if he's heard that tone from you before but fuck if he doesn't love it. "Thank you so much...thank you...thank you, Ren." And suddenly your arms are around him, shuddering sobs and little sniffles as you bury your face in his shoulder, embracing him. The earlier thoughts melt away almost immediately as his arms encircle your middle and he leans into your affections with an almost dreamy smile over his lips. There you were, his good pet, his sweet darling.

"You're welcome...I wanted to do this for you. Make you feel more...at home." Ren murmurs into your hair, dragging his claws along your back in a soothing manner as he allows you this. "...I didn't know you liked foxes so much...lucky us, huh?" Ren can't help but squeeze you as you give an almost bashful choked laugh. The plush you'd had since you were a kid, looked up at you from the bag through the little beaded eyes.

"Y-Yeah..." You reply, wiping at your eyes with the heels of your hands, not that the action deters Ren any from shifting to lean into you and rest his head on your chest. You move to fall back on the cushions as he gently replaced the bag on the floor to lay atop you in contentment. "Lucky us." You parrot back, with a sniffle and idly stroke his velvety ears the way Ren likes, the telltale purr reverberating in his chest against you.

"But I'm your favorite." It isn't a hopeful, cute ask - it's a statement of fact from Ren.

"Always." Is the same reply as the melodic intro music of Sailor Moon begins to waft through the living room.

[wingdingery]

Hello! I really wanted to say that your writing is amazing, I always look forward to what you upload especially for Brudick, but even just their platonic readings too caught a bit of my interest! I had a question that I felt that you probably could answer. Who do you think is closer to Bruce, Alfred or Dick? I've seen this question pop up, and usually people would say Alfred, but I feel like that's not true, though I could just be biased. So, I was wondering what do you think?

Thank you so much, anon! 💙

There’s a lot of nuance to this but ultimately I would say Dick is closer to Bruce, at least under my definition of “close”. I’m also obviously biased BUT I will try to give some context for why I think so.

(This is under the cut because, as usual, I went much longer than you probably bargained for when you asked this, but hopefully some of it will be interesting to you!)

So, first of all, Dick’s overall existence predates Alfred by a few years (Batman was created in 1939; Dick was introduced in 1940, and Alfred in 1943). Dick was also clearly meant to be Bruce’s close ally and partner from the very beginning, whereas Alfred grew into that role.

Detective Comics (1937) #38

Batman (1940) #16

These early Golden Age comics have little bearing on modern canon and characterization, but as the “birth” of these characters, I think it still provides important context – particularly regarding their relationships to each other. It’s fairly consistent across retellings that Dick and Bruce are drawn to each other because of their shared grief and trauma, and the ways they help each other work through that. At its core, and from the very beginning, their bond is a highly emotional one.

Bruce and Alfred’s is not. What’s consistent across retellings is that Alfred is the family butler, and a bond doesn’t immediately develop between them once Bruce’s parents die. In some tellings, it’s presented as simple emotional distance that Alfred doesn’t know how to cross, even to comfort a grieving child:

Batman: Dark Victory #9

Sometimes, the emotional connection existed between Alfred and Thomas and Martha. In those cases, Bruce is “Thomas and Martha’s son” who Alfred watches over in their memory, but he (at least initially) cares for Bruce as a way of caring for the Waynes’ legacy, and not for Bruce’s own sake.

Batman: The Knight #1

And this continues into Bruce’s adulthood. Even as they get closer over the years and Alfred helps Bruce with his activities as Batman, he actively maintains the employer-employee relationship between them. You could argue addressing him as “Master Bruce” is habit/formality, but regardless, it creates emotional distance between them, and Alfred consistently refers to their relationship in terms of employment, even when it’s clear they care deeply for each other.

Knightquest (Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #60)

I should caveat here that I haven’t read a ton of solo Bruce content so there may be things I’m missing, but from what I have read, I get the sense Bruce had a lonely childhood due to the lack of emotional connection between him and Alfred. In fact, despite Alfred’s constant presence, Bruce is commonly depicted as lonely/emotionally stunted until Dick comes along.

Batman: Full Circle

Robin Annual #4

This page in Robin Annual #4 also hints at another thing I wanted to mention, which is that Alfred usually disapproves of Dick’s presence at first, and especially disapproves of Dick becoming Robin, but he comes around to it because he sees how good Dick’s presence is for Bruce. Alfred knows that he can’t give Bruce the emotional connection that he’s lacking, but Dick can.

Robin: Year One

In Alfred’s eyes, Dick is the one who Bruce can confide everything to, who can be his light and pull him back from the brink if needed. If something is going on with Bruce and Alfred doesn’t know what to do, Dick is the one he turns to.

(Not to say Alfred and Dick don’t develop their own close relationship over time, because they do! But Alfred puts a lot on Dick’s shoulders and has a lot of expectations for him when it comes to Bruce.)

52 #30

Bruce Wayne: Murderer?

Nightwing (1996) #99

Okay, that was a lot! In summary, I think it’s clear that Alfred is extremely close to Bruce. Even when they have a tense employer-employee relationship (see: the Caped Crusader show where Bruce calls him “Pennyworth” and spends most of the time treating him like an asshole boss would treat an employee) Bruce immediately trusts him with the secret of his identity as Batman. Alfred is undoubtedly loyal, and Bruce undoubtedly cares for him on some level.

But because of the origins of their relationship, their emotional connection takes time to develop, whereas Dick and Bruce’s is immediate and visceral. I really think you can argue that Bruce’s emotional connection with Dick is the first one Bruce really experiences since his parents’ death, and it’s also what actually allows his emotional connection with Alfred to develop.

I want to end with something Scott Snyder said in a 2011 interview with Comic Vine:

To me, one of the things that's really interesting about Dick Grayson […] is that relationship is pathological at times and completely endearing at others. Dick always wears his heart on his sleeve, he cares about Bruce openly. He's compassionate and empathetic. Bruce is just a darker character, and for me, he's someone who needs that connection but won't admit it. […] The idea is that Dick Grayson is also the person who is his greatest tether to humanity. When I think about the future for Bruce, I think about him either very very lonely […] or dying in the line of duty as Batman or…you know, there aren't a lot of good endings. Dick's the person that would pull him back from the edge, or even bring him down, honestly if he needed to if Bruce really went too far in some way and bring him in.

If you want to talk about who’s been physically at Bruce’s side for longer, then sure, that’s Alfred. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Bruce feels closer to Alfred than he does to Dick. Alfred is Bruce’s loyal butler, and there isn’t much he wouldn’t do for Bruce, but he acts as Bruce’s hand.

But Dick is stated over and over again to be Bruce’s heart. So if you were to ask me who’s closest to Bruce—who he trusts with his emotions, his life, his legacy—that would be Dick, no question, every time.

Batman (2011) #11

[the-lincyclopedia]

Since a lot of us have recently been trying to raise awareness about registering to vote/checking to make sure your registration was processed/checking to make sure you haven't been erroneously purged from the voter rolls, I figured I'd tell you all the saga that is Lin Tries To Register To Vote.

To set the scene: I recently moved to a new state. I don't have an ID issued by my new state yet (and I probably won't get one, since I'm planning on moving back to my home state within a year). In the state I currently live in, you can do online voter registration if you have an ID issued by this state, but not if you have an ID from somewhere else. If you have an ID from somewhere else, you can still register to vote, but only in person at the county clerk's office, and you have to provide proof of address, such as a utility bill for your current address.

So, two and a half weeks ago, I went in person to the county clerk's office and submitted voter registration paperwork. It took longer than I expected because I hadn't been able to find the requirements for registering anywhere online, so I didn't bring proof of address with me and spent a while trying to remember my password for my car insurance app, but whatever. I eventually filled everything out to the clerk's satisfaction, and she said she'd get it filed.

I figured I should give it a week or two before I checked whether I was actually registered, because I know that transferring physical paperwork to an online database is not an immediate thing. But I checked today on both my state's voter registration site and on vote.org, and neither place could find me as a registered voter.

After seeing I wasn't registered, I called the county clerk's office and asked when I should expect my registration to be processed. The person I spoke with said two and a half weeks was more than long enough, so something had probably gone wrong. Over the course of multiple phone calls (the clerk had to check on some things and call me back), here's what I found out:

I had missed the mandatory space on the form to fill out my birthplace, and no one had noticed when I filed the paperwork, so my paperwork had been marked incomplete and had been set aside. No one had been planning on contacting me about the omission; I was just not going to get to vote because I missed a line on the form.

Additionally, there is someone else with my same first and last name who also recently registered to vote in this county, and we have very similar signatures. Despite the fact that we have different social security numbers, different birth dates, and different addresses, the resemblance between our signatures (I literally just write my name in cursive, so it's not hard to imagine how someone else with the same name could sign the same way) was enough to convince the county clerk's office that we were probably the same person. They had been planning on consolidating both voter registration applications into one voter record, so for voting purposes only one of us would exist--probably the other person, since I missed the birthplace line on the form.

Despite having filled out the voter registration form to the satisfaction of the clerk I spoke with two and a half weeks ago, I was not ever going to wind up on the voter rolls of my new state if I hadn't checked whether I was registered and called my county clerk's office when I saw that I wasn't registered. No one was going to tell me that I had messed up my form, or ask whether I was the same person as the one who had filed a voter registration form with the same name but a different address, social security number, and birth date. It was up to me to contact the county clerk and check what was wrong.

Moral of the story: USAmericans who should be eligible to vote, register to vote, check whether you're registered, and contact your local elections officials (county clerk or whoever) if it looks like you're not registered even though you should be. Something may have gone wrong with your voter registration form, or you may have been intentionally purged from the rolls, and no one will tell you if you don't ask. So make sure you're registered. And then VOTE.

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Welcome to the Drabble-A-Thon! We're back, baby!

What is it?

From December 1st to December 8th, I will be offering 1,000-word drabble commissions for $5 through Ko-Fi!

How does it work?

If you make a donation of $5 on Ko-Fi, and give a 1-2 sentence description of your drabble idea in the donation note, I will write a 1,000 word* story! The story will be posted publicly on Ko-Fi, and cross-posted to Tumblr as well**. These will be done on a first-come first-serve basis, and I will keep a post on Ko-Fi and Tumblr updated on what number submission I am on. Because I don't know how many prompts will be given, I can't give a firm estimate on when the pieces will be delivered, so the queue will be the best way to see when your request is being worked on! 

*The finished drabble will be a minimum of 1,000 words, if I go over by a bit, that is on me, and just a fun bonus for you! 

**Ko-fi has strict guidelines for NSFW material, and anything rated "Explicit" will only be able to be posted to Tumblr. If you would like a PDF copy as well, please provide an email address to send it to in your message!

Are there any rules I should know about?

First and foremost, please make sure that you read my general commission guide which can be found here. Keep in mind I do not write Sub!/Bottom!Tomura or Dom!/Top!Dabi. If you have a question about your concept that is not answered by the guidelines, please feel free to DM me on Tumblr before donating! 

In addition, please note that 1k isn't a lot of words, so try to keep concepts simple enough to be executed within that amount of story! 

These drabbles also cannot be add-ons to other existing stories. For example, no drabble prompt can be for a story set after the end of Changing Currents, or an exploration of Dabi's time on the streets before Tomura adopted him in A Cat by Any Other Name. These are for stand-alone pieces in order to keep things simple and not conflict with the canon of my existing works! 

Can I donate more than $5 to get a longer story?

No. This is a drabble-a-thon! While you are welcome to donate however much you would like, every $5 only gets one 1k word story. If you would like to donate $10, then you are welcome to put two drabble prompts in your donation note which will then both enter the queue and be posted! Every multiple of 5 is eligible for a new prompt! 

If you would still like a longer story from me, then you can always DM me about setting up a full commission! 

I want to participate, but I want to remain anonymous/I want to be tagged by a name other than the name used for the donation.

No problem! If you want to remain anonymous, simply put your name as "Anonymous" in for your name/nickname, and you can then type your prompt in the message box. You can send this message privately, and only I should be able to read your prompt! 

If you want to be tagged by your Tumblr username, then you can also add that in your message and I will tag you appropriately when your prompt is posted! 

I want to participate but I don't have any idea what to ask for!

Coming up with story prompts can be hard! You can send in 1-2 sentences of your idea, or you can simply send in a kind of AU, a rating, or a kink (or a few of them 👀), and let me take it from there! If you really, really can't think of anything at all, then just send in "Free Style", and I'll come up with something to fill the drabble! This is meant to be fun, please don't feel any pressure!

I want to participate, but I don't have any money!

That's absolutely okay! Please do not feel any pressure to participate! Money is tight for a lot of people right now and your needs, safety, and comfort come first! 

My question wasn't answered here! 

Please feel free to DM me or send an ask on Tumblr! I'll do my best to answer! 

Thank you so much to anyone who chooses to participate! I can't wait to see what stories we're able to bring to life! 

[matan4il]

Most of the time, I don't bother talking about the hate and harassment I get, because I don't think haters deserve the attention. The person I'm gonna write about definitely doesn't deserve any, but they've started harassing others that I know of, not just me.

So this is basically a warning post for Jewish bloggers and bloggers who are allies to Jews, and a request for anyone who can, to report and block this person (if you want to warn other bloggers, then please consider a reblog, too). @staff, This is also for you, proof of a pattern of harassment and abuse. Please do something and protect your Jewish users and their allies.

They first commented here, denying the antisemitism of Hamas, with the url @grizzlyismyspiritanimal and they seem to change their url quite frequently. For now it's @fancowboy but expect that to change again. Since IDK if Tumblr will let the mention (@'ing their url) hyperlink to their blog, here's how you can check out what their current url is, so you can report and block them. Go to this post where they're tagged as @grizzlyismyspiritanimal and hover your mouse over their url, you'll see their blog pop up no matter what new url they changed to. Here's a screenshot of what that looks like:

Here's their first comment on my post, along with my reply. Tumblr arranges these comments with the oldest at the bottom, click to see the image better:

Of course they never provided a link sourcing their claim, instead they provided a link to an op ed, which was not written by anyone affiliated with Hamas. This link did not support their claim that "Hamas specifically stated," but that didn't stop them from ignoring the fact that they couldn't prove their claim. Next, they repeated an already refuted antisemitic conspiracy theory (and I linked them to a refuting source, which they just ignored), while using strawmen arguments (attacking statements I didn't make). Obviously, none of this addresses the point actually made in the post they were commenting on.

When I called them out on the antisemitism of their whole narrative, they pulled the "I can't be antisemitic, because I'm Jewish" line of defense, while also bragging in the same comment about not going the easy route by doing that:

I no longer believe people who say antisemitic things, and then use this defense, after several have been proven to have lied about being Jewish, but more importantly, and this is the point I made to @fancowboy, Jews are not immune to internalizing antisemitism, and repeating antisemitic narratives. But I was curious whether there was any sign of this person having any sense of a significant Jewish identity on their blog. When I went on there, one of the first posts I came acorss was an antisemitic one, claiming that Jews have stolen the Star of David from the Muslims... I know there are a lot of anti-Zionist Jews out there, and that many of them are very capable of saying antisemitic things, but I don't think even they would endorse this false claim.

What's ironic is that the post shares a screenshot from Wikipedia, which explicitly mentions that this Muslim kingdom that existed in the 13th century AD (roughly 700 years ago), adopted the six-pointed star, due to the Muslim belief that it was a symbol on the ring ("seal") of King Solomon, a Jewish king who lived about 3,000 years ago. In other words, this post literally points out that Muslims borrowed this symbol from Jews, not the other way around. And just for historical interest, the first archeological find of Jews using the Star of David is dated to the 6th century BC (around 2,600 years ago).

I pointed out to @grizzlyismyspiritanimal / @fancowboy that I no longer believe they're Jewish, because I don't believe any Jew would reblog this antisemitic lie. In response, not long after, this "I'm not a coward" and "you would've blocked me (aka fanatic)" person blocked me. Instead of addressing what I said, or taking responsibility for their wrongdoing, and deleting this antisemitic post. Our exchange started on Jan 5 IIRC, this post was reblogged by them on Jan 4, and as of Jan 25 it is still on their blog, as you can see here (post and current date highlighted in this screenshot):

A minute after they blocked me from the above blog, they commented on my pinned post with links to my fandom content from another blog, @verygardenerland and this comment made it clear that it was the same person. I made a mistake, I wanted my fandom space free from antisemitic harassment, so I deleted that comment, which means I don't have that piece of evidence that it's the same person, but I do have another bit of proof. Remember how this person claimed to be Jewish? This is how they presented it:

(again, using a strawmen, I never said all Muslims are terrorists, and never would, because it's simply not true, and if anyone made that claim to me, I would be correcting them)

Well, this is the VERY similar way @verygardenerland talked about their supposed Jewish identity, in a post they made solely to harass and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) me:

Jews were almost completely ethnically cleansed from Muslim majority countries, so the likelihood of a random online stranger being a Jew from a Muslim country is generally incredibly low to almost non-existent, and two who just so happen to both harass me on my blog one minute apart is probably less statistically likely than winning the lottery.

It's poetic irony that the one comment the above post got from another blogger, is someone else also calling this person out on the antisemitism of what they're saying:

Gotta love the bonus misogyny with "bitch."

I'm also going to offer you this following antisemitic comment (which distorts the Holocaust, and refers to Jews insultingly as "the chosen ones"), which I also don't believe any person with an actual Jewish identity would make:

And here's also one of the last comments this person made from @fancowboy before blocking me on that blog and continuing from @verygardenerland. Just notice how we have the same antisemitic abuse themes from both of these blogs:

Once more, extra touch of misogyny with "that much of a pussy."

(I have to address the white phosphorus claim. There are 2 ways of using it in battle, one legal, the other's not. Israel stated that when using it, that's only in the legal way. There is no record to show the contrary. People just exploit the fact it's used, to pretend it's automatically illegal. But I accept this is an antisemitic libel against the Jewish state, that sadly some Jews might repeat. The rest is what makes me think this person isn't Jewish)

@verygardenerland noticed I write fandom meta, and harassed me on these posts. Here's one example:

Then they searched related tag/s, and proceeded to harass me by calling me names in comments they left on random posts from other fandom members. These are posts that had nothing to do with me. One of the people on whose post they were calling me a Nazi is someone I have never even spoken to. The OP deleted the harassing comment, but this time I did get a screenshot before that, so here it is, as an example:

Now, on top of all of the above, @verygardenerland also started stalking my main blog at the same time they made their first comment from this url, as well as my two back up blogs. One's last post was on Mar 2022, the other's on Apr 2021, so it's completely pointless to follow them, other than as an intimidation tactic:

And they sent me anon hate. The thing is, they made it explicitly clear through what they said and the language they used, that it's them. They sent more than one message, but the one I'll attach here was obviously meant to freak me out the most, because it falsely starts out as a fandom ask, and then transitions into abusive language, as well as telling me there's more blogs they're stalking me from, basically making it clear that even if I block this url, I'll still not be safe from their stalking and abuse:

From a certain point on, I told them that whenever they make a comment to me, all I'll do is just remind them repeatedly that they're an antisemite, which is exactly what I've kept to. That's when I even bothered to respond. I postponed blocking their second blog, 'coz I wanted to put this post together first. Now I'm done with them.

To wrap this up, here are some final screenshots of their antisemitic abuse, how they obsessively comment on my posts, or posts that in their mind are related to me, and how they have started directly addressing random people who are commenting on my posts, telling them not to talk to "it," meaning they're also using de-humanizing language when referring to me, and of course once more employing the DARVO tactic by accusing me of that which they're guilty of:

My activity feed yesterday:

And not just yesterday. Love the bonus hateful language towards those who are disabled...

And this is just one of their comments on a post simply mourning the death of Israeli soldiers, and putting it in the context of multi-generational Jewish trauma:

To summarize again, please:

report and block this person

reblog this post if you feel comfortable to, in order to warn others

@staff please do something to stop the abuse. Thank you in advance!

[renaultphile]

Ralph’s Chariot - a flight of fancy

Has anyone noticed the precise point at which Ralph’s car leaves the narrative?  The last time we see it is when Ralph stows the spare bottle of champagne in the boot, just before he and Laurie disappear into the cottage for the night.  Once they consummate their relationship, the car disappears from view.

Another thought occurred to me.  Does Bunny’s Riley even exist?  We only have his word for it.  At first, I thought that Bunny having to drive Ralph’s car was just there to provide a bit of humour and an edge to the scene, but is there more to it?  Bunny ‘driving’ Ralph’s car can also have a deeper meaning, foreshadowing another ‘borrowing’ which doesn’t end well.

Ralph’s car is ancient and barely functioning.  It’s been around.  It also makes me think of the age-old trope of men giving lifts to their dates with expectations of a quid pro quo.  What always strikes me about the car scenes is the way Ralph’s driving is described in such great detail.  There is nothing sloppy about his driving, so we are told, even when it causes him pain. 

“Ralph's contest with the car had developed a certain grimness. There was nothing wrong with his driving, except a persistent impression of something difficult being done for a bet, which kept Laurie on edge all the time.”

And even if he is hopelessly over the limit, or can’t resist a couple of extra drinks on their mission of mercy, he pulls over in a lay-by to sober up.  Whether he had it mind to make a different use of that unscheduled stop, he is the perfect gentleman.  Possibly my favourite description is this one, when he gets Laurie back to the hospital in record time:

“It was rather as if Ralph were driving himself as well as the car, with an eye on the defects of both.”

But the reader is also left in no doubt about Ralph’s ‘frustration’, especially after their second encounter, where Laurie perceives that he is angry with himself and sits quietly to avoid the ‘lightning’ striking him. 

“The small misdoings of other drivers seemed to infuriate him; after keeping up for some miles a profane running commentary, he started to address the offenders direct.”

Bunny on the other hand has no patience for the eccentricities of Ralph’s car and abuses the power it gives him, mocking Laurie for not anticipating what would be expected of him.  I have sometimes wondered if one of his motivations is that he either doesn’t believe Ralph is not exploiting those ‘lifts’ to get up to something with Laurie, or else he despises him for his restraint.

Perhaps it is just a coincidence, but Ralph’s chariot takes a back seat around the same time he seems not only to abandon the platonic model, but to actively campaign against it, urging Laurie to be realistic about his physical needs and mocking him for thinking he can sublimate his desires to be with Andrew.  He no longer needs to ‘manage’ his own sexuality.  Now that he has slept with Laurie, he only needs to ‘manage’ their life together.  As he says himself, he needs to settle things.

But cars, like horses and chariots, are unpredictable, however hard you try to control them. Perhaps after all it is the illusion of control that is the real villain of the piece. 

The mythical Charioteer himself.

[lizardlicks]

6 hours and a fitful sleep later and I'm still obsessed with @bonesbuckleup's watertribe siblings analysis and I already screamed about it in the zukka server but that's not enough, it's not ENOUGH YOU HEAR ME I have to shout it at the sky!!!!!

Their relationship is so codependent, two kids, all but orphaned, left to raise each other, trapped in the same roles that had helped them survive through their culture and tribe and family being dismantled by a century of violence, but they can't escape it now when it no longer serves them.

The war is ending but the cycles keep repeating. Brother and sister, boy and girl, warrior and wizard, the rules that made sense and provided a structure to cling to while everything else fell apart are now cutting into them.

Katara wants more freedom from the roles assigned to "woman" but not too much freedom. She gets angry when Toph acts boyish and immature, she shuts Sokka down when he pulls back the veil and reveals the still festering, unprocessed hurt of their mother's death haunts him, too. She wants to break with tradition unless it's a tradition that makes her feel good/important/special.

Sokka defines his existence as a man to be a warrior, but he refuses to define a warrior as anything other than a physical, violent sacrifice. A tactician is invaluble in both war and peace, a person who can organize and mobilize the chaos around them worth so much more than a single glorious ("glorious") moment on the battlefield, and even Piandao sings his highest praise for Sokka's MIND, his intelligence and creativity. But it isn't enough. Sokka still believes that his meaning and purpose in life is to die at the end of a sword.

"She was my mother too" Sokka's grief is always so quiet and private, "she's my mother too" that was, from him, practically an anguished scream. "She was my mother, too," he says and for the briefest moment he chooses to pull aside the armor around his heart and let Katara see that still weeping, festering wound through it, and she. Can't. Handle it.

It's almost like Sokka has enabled the worst aspects of his sister's inflexiblibity by sheltering her from the consequences. Katara relies so heavily on Sokka having his shit together, on Sokka being the unfeeling, calculating one ("oh Sokka, you DO have a heart!") that she can't accept that he maybe actually isn't blissfully free of deeper emotion, because the deeper implications of that would shake the foundations of her self image of the caring, open, empathetic sibling. So she shuts it down. Shuts his appeal out. He can't feel the same as her, because if he did it would redefine all of their assumptions and history and relationships.

They fall instantly back into thier same patterns. Of course Katara apologized to Aang and not Sokka. The siblings are unable to address it, move on from it, because to do so first they would have to deconstruct so much of their shared trauma. Mom died, Dad left, both of them fell back into the rigid roles set out for them because there was nothing else left for them. They built themselves back up out of ruin together, mended but not set. Now it's all crooked and ugly, but fixing it is going to require a painful rebreaking that neither of them are prepared for, so they just keep on dragging this mangled part of themselves around, hobbling in circles, carving the same patterns deeper.

[brabblesblog]

Ch 4: I sought whom my soul loveth: I sought him, but I found him not.

Astarion has ascended, and she has stayed with him. Life in the Crimson Palace isn’t as idyllic as it seems. Is there a chance for their relationship to go back to how it was? Or is it too late for the Ascendant and his consort?

This series is about Ban, my Tav, and the Vampire Ascendant. Will be angst and smut, with sprinkles of fluff.

This fic is a softer take on Ascendant!Astarion and of the changes he undergoes after the rite. Can Ban handle the change, and if a chance came, would she choose to run? And can the Ascendant win her back in time? Inspired by the concept of vampire wives and that IGN interview with Larian that discussed the ascension.

Professionally edited by @editing-by-night

Astarion has finally found where his consort has gone to, and attempts to bring her back.

Read on AO3.

Masterlist.

“For what it’s worth, you did the right thing.”

Gale’s voice startled Ban as she sat at the desk of the room he’d graciously loaned her, furiously trying to wipe her tears. He’d walked in at an inconvenient moment, a common occurrence for him. Gale took a seat nearby, reaching out to place a hand over hers. He found her hand a bit damp, but he didn't mind.

It had been a tenday since she’d fled the Ascendant’s clutches, ten days since she had last seen his face. She’d thought it would be easy, forgetting her captor. But he had also been her beloved, and in his absence she found it easier and easier to excuse his misdeeds and only miss the good.

She hated herself for that.

“I miss him,” she said, voice rough from weeping. “I shouldn’t. I should be enjoying my time here, planning for my future - anything.”

Anything, other than thinking of him, of longing for someone who no longer existed.

“I’m sorry, Gale. I’ve been a terrible guest.” She stood, about to start pacing the now well-trodden path she frequently followed in this room.

Gale didn’t offer any false platitudes. Instead, he reached out to squeeze her hand. “It’s not your fault. It never was. In the end, ascending was his decision to make, quite like how it’s also his decision to be whatever he is right now.”

If she had put in more work, done better in talking him down, perhaps things would've been different. He had been so afraid and lost; he’d needed her guidance and she had failed. But Ban also knew she wouldn’t have had the heart to deprive him of the ritual’s gifts. Her feelings about it hadn’t been worth him giving up everything he stood to gain. And so, with only a brief effort to dissuade him, she’d helped him when he’d needed it.

That train of thought brought forth a fresh wave of tears. Instinctively she reached out for Gale, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest, where the orb once was. For a moment, she imagined being back in Astarion’s arms. Her Astarion, with his cold hands and a heart that beat a little too slow.

Gale’s warmth was a far cry from that, but the comfort he provided was still very welcome and much needed. He wrapped his arms around her, his voice quiet and full of an emotion she couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“I’m sorry, Ban. Had I known this would be how you and Astarion would end up… I don’t know.”

Maybe I’d have tried harder to be the one for you, he thought. It wasn’t the right time to say it. It might never be. But he’d be there in any capacity she needed him to be, regardless.

“You’d what?” she said. “There was nothing to be done. No one can see the future - even you, Gale. It is what it is. I just have to move on.”

At first, there had been some worry about Astarion showing up and dragging her back. A quick visit to Elminster and a favor had addressed that issue. Gale now had wards placed around his tower and around Ban herself, preventing the Ascendant from making contact without permission.

She lifted her head, meeting his gaze. In the warm firelight he looked rather handsome, and his brown eyes widened as they both realized just how close their bodies were.

They’d spent most of these past ten days together. Gale had been keeping her company and showing her around Waterdeep. Ten days that had in all honesty been wonderful, that were very reminiscent of the early days of their adventure, days when Ban had spent more time with Gale while her budding romance with Astarion was in its infancy. Gale had told her then that he felt something for her, but she had chosen the vampire instead.

For a moment, in the height of her misery and loneliness, she wondered how Gale’s lips would taste. She swallowed down her despair and threw caution to the wind, leaning in.

The kiss was soft, hesitant… and different. She felt Gale’s breathing pick up, his beard tickling her as he deepened the kiss. He felt like warmth and kindness and safety, and she tightened her hold around him in welcome.

Gale broke the kiss, his pupils dilated and his chest heaving.

“I- I don’t think this would be a wise move,” he began, “but I don’t mind that as much as I would like to.”

He reached for her again, but she shied away.

“You’re right. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I don’t think I can ever give you what you really want, Gale. Even back then.” Since meeting Astarion, she had never felt anything for another.

Gale’s face darkened a little. “I understand. But Halsin-"

Ban shook her head. “Halsin understood and accepted that I could only give so much. Could you?”

The wizard bit his lip. On the one hand, he wanted to say yes, and damn the consequences. On the other…

“You know me too well,” he said, smiling sadly. “However, if your heart does find itself having room in the future, please do think of me.”

Ban laughed bitterly. An image of Astarion swam in her mind, that shocked and stunned expression he’d made when she’d told him she had chosen him over Gale. The utter disbelief on his face, melting into surprise and pleasure when he’d realized she’d meant what she’d said. She shoved the vision away. Even now, after everything that had happened since the rite, she’d chosen that damned vampire again.

“You already have a place in my heart, Gale,” she said carefully. “Just not the piece you want. In the future, that may change; but right now I cannot give you that which is still tangled in another’s.”

He nodded, resigned. “For now, that is satisfactory.” He looked away, taking in the room he was letting her stay in, the rows of books lending it a cozy, homely atmosphere. “I shall turn in for the evening, then. You’re always welcome to knock on my door if you need to.” He gathered some courage, enough to press another quick, chaste kiss on her lips, and left her in silence.

The nights were never easy, and when she finally laid down, she found the bed too empty and sleep difficult to achieve.

The next morning, Ban was woken up by a commotion, seemingly coming from right outside her window. She could hear a loud bang every few minutes - a sound very reminiscent of the one the statue of Shar had emitted whenever someone stepped too close and triggered the wards around it. She opened her eyes to see dawn had barely broken, sunlight streaming through the windows. It took a moment for her thoughts to sink in.

Her eyes widened at the realization. The wards.

“Ban!” the Ascendant called out the moment he saw her peek out through the open window.

He stood outside his carriage, an ornate monstrosity of black and gold. With him were a number of summons, both werewolves and skeletons, which he had apparently been attempting to send through the wards to no avail. After another failed attempt, he crossed his arms and glared up at her.

“Hello, you ingrate. Are you truly going to stay cooped up in there forever, Ban? I can wait just as long!” He strode forward, pausing to take a cursory, disdainful look at the tower. “And here I was thinking you hated being stuck in one place. At least the palace has better ambience than this dump.”

Ban sighed. She had to admit he looked glorious in the morning sun; the rays caressed his silver curls, making them appear to sparkle in the light. His eyes were sharp and intense, equal parts anger and another emotion she couldn’t quite place. He was dressed in his red and black doublet, the one he knew to be her favorite. She decided she liked him like this: at her mercy, for once.

“I’m surprised you’re here, Astarion. I had thought you would just find some other bride,” she bit out, relishing the way his eyes widened in surprise at her choice of words. He bared his fangs, realizing that she now knew the truth.

“No one else would do,” he retorted, recovering his composure and slipping back into his usual confident demeanor. “You of all people ought to know that. Now. Let me in.”

She shook her head. “Sorry, you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.”

The Ascendant growled, then barked an order for his minions to step back. If they couldn’t, perhaps he could. He approached the invisible barrier, hands reaching out to it slowly.

One loud bang later and he was on his ass, hair and clothes disheveled, staring in shock at the tower. He made another attempt as a bat, only to be sent flying. An attempt as a cloud of mist ended similarly.

He changed back, angrily trying to comb his hair and smooth his clothes back into place.

“I see Gale’s skills have improved somewhat,” he grumbled.

“A little gift from Elminster, actually,” Gale answered, greeting the Ascendant from the doors of the tower. They stared at each other, not six paces apart, separated by the invisible barrier.

Astarion seethed. “Happy now, Gale? Happy you’ve stolen her, when you never could before?”

Gale shook his head. “I have done no such thing. You pushed her away yourself. You needn’t any help from me in that regard.”

For a moment, Astarion was feral. He bared his fangs and he tensed as if to pounce at the wizard, stopping a hairsbreadth away when he remembered the barrier. As he collected himself, he saw Ban approach; she stopped beside Gale, watching him.

“What do you want, my lord?” Her voice was dry, face affecting a bored expression.

“You. Back home with me.” His answer was instantaneous. Pacing back and forth, much like a predator toying with its cornered prey, he smiled. “I’m not leaving, pet, until you come back with me. And I have all the time in the world.”

Ban considered this, recognizing it wasn’t an empty threat - he could very well set up camp at the gate of this tower, trapping them all inside. This was a stalemate she could not allow to drag on, for Gale’s sake. She sighed and whispered to Gale, who nodded.

“Fine. I will at least allow you into the tower. We can talk. But." She smiled back at him, and it was a cold thing. "I have the same spell around me as this tower does. You cannot touch me. You are also not allowed to harm anyone else.”

She drew herself up, trying to appear as confident as she wished she felt. “Is that agreeable to you?”

Astarion clenched his fist. He wanted to fight back but knew it was a lost cause. “Agreed. Now let me in,” he hissed.

Gale waved his hand, and there was a soft hum as the barrier disappeared. “Only you, Astarion. No ghouls,” he added.

Glowering darkly, the Ascendant acquiesced, following Ban and Gale into the tower.

Ban sat opposite Astarion, hands fidgeting in her lap. Gale had left them to talk in her room; now that she was alone with him again she felt oddly glad of it.

Astarion let out a small sigh, looking as though this was just one more errand he had to do. He’d accepted the offer of tea from Gale; his crimson eyes peered indifferently at her over the rim of his cup as he sipped.

“What will get you to come back?” He almost sounded bored.

“Definitely not that tone,” she snapped, irritated despite herself. Did he expect her to simply fold?

He crossed his legs, watching her a little more intently now. His face betrayed none of his inner turmoil.

“What can I give you, then, to make you want to be with me again?” That sounded better, he hoped.

“Your old self.”

He seethed, lips curling into a smile that was all teeth. “What old self, Ban? I’m still me. I’m still the Astarion you love.”

She laughed at that. “You’re right. I studied everything I could get my hands on, for a while. I even asked Gale to look into it. I tried to understand why you’re so different. I thought the rite destroyed your soul.” She shook her head. “But no. You’re you, just worse.”

Astarion bristled. Worse? When he’d become the most powerful vampire to ever exist? “I was weak! I was worth nothing. Why would you want that over this?” He gestured to himself, as if to remind her of what exactly she stood to lose. “I can give you the world - have been giving you everything!”

“Give it to someone else. I need the Astarion I fell in love with. Not you. Not the riches or the power or whatever other trinkets you offer.”

He felt his anger rise, and felt the urge to shout, maybe even lunge at her. But he quelled the impulse long enough to think: Would his anger help anything? Would screaming and threatening her work, when he couldn’t even lay a hand on her? He weighed his options and decided to remain civil until a better solution presented itself.

“I was pathetic,” he intoned. “Worth nothing. You can’t possibly want that. I’m better now. Don’t you want that for me? For you?” He made an attempt to widen his eyes, to appear more vulnerable.

She was not convinced. “I let it happen for you,” Ban said, averting her eyes as she revealed her shame. “Personally? I would have preferred you to stay the way you were; it would have meant that you would still love me the way you used to, would let me love you the way you used to. But that’s a selfish thought, and it’s far too late for regrets.”

She locked eyes with him. “You were everything I wanted, Astarion. Now none of that man remains.”

She wouldn’t admit to him that at times, that man still shone through, that she still saw glimpses of him within the Ascendant. To admit that would give him an advantage, a carrot to dangle in front of her. He’d tell her to wait, to be patient, to allow him time to let his walls down. Would he even mean it? She doubted it, but she was almost sure she’d acquiesce if he pleaded. The ability to resist his vulnerability was never a skill she had possessed.

He stared at her for a long, tense moment. “The man of your dreams, the hope of him, is your own worst enemy. That… spawn… is gone. I am he, and he is me. Except I’m more.” He set his teacup down on the side table and leaned forward, slowly encroaching on Ban’s space.

“Don’t you dare speak ill of who you were,” Ban snapped, her temper getting the better of her. “I have let that happen again and again. I’ve had enough.” She glared at the Ascendant, at the man her treacherous heart still loved. “You may be more now, but you are also so much less - in all the ways I need. You were more than enough before, and this version of you could never even come close to the man you were.”

Astarion seethed anew. He instinctively lifted a hand to grab hers, to tell her that he was all that he’d ever wanted to be and more. Better. Why couldn’t she understand that? Why couldn’t she simply accept all he has to give, accept that he was doing all this for both of them? What was a little less freedom in exchange for everything else? He wasn’t his master, he wasn’t out to hurt her.

But as his hand came close to her skin the wards responded, and he was sent flying back with a loud bang, the chair he'd been sitting on broken into pieces behind him.

He groaned a little as he got up from the floor, his fury renewed at the indignity, but he quickly forced himself to calm. His body hurt and he tried not to wince; powerful as he was, he wasn’t invulnerable. Astarion waited a moment for his breathing to settle. When he spoke again, his voice was more level and seemingly more resigned.

“If you cannot accept who I am now, so be it.” He kept the facade up, refusing to let himself show any sign of sorrow, especially when he felt it as keenly as a dagger in the heart.

“I can find another you in a lifetime; probably in less time than that.” This was a lie, but he forced it out, needing to keep a shred of dignity.

“Then you’ll end our bond? You’ll end this miserable connection we have?” Ban said this with a mixture of relief, hope, and to her shock, dismay.

His eyes widened. “How did you- oh. Gale’s told you, hasn’t he? Is he to be my replacement? He’s always wanted you, even back then.”

He smirked. “He won’t be half the man I am, pet - you know that. Only I can fuck you the way you want to be fucked. Only I can make your body feel the things you so want to feel. Only me,” he drawled, taking a step towards her.

She didn’t take the bait, although the way his voice lowered made a pleasant shiver run down her spine.

“Just say it, Astarion. Will you break our bond, or will you not?”

The bond he’d created when he’d turned her into his vampiric spouse: the mental connection, the ability to feel when the other was in great pain. Gale had explained it all to her. Ending the bond required a simple ritual - but it required both hers and Astarion's consent.

He shook his head. “No. I won’t. I can’t even touch you, my treasure. What does it matter whether the bond exists or not?”

His voice lowered in pitch, the aggression slipping away. He tried to keep his anguish hidden when he spoke again but didn't quite succeed.

“Besides. If I break the bond, I’m not certain I can keep protecting you from the sun, or keep lending you my other gifts.”

This surprised Ban and she nodded, accepting his reasoning. “I suppose you’re right. Thank you, I guess. I expected you to take them back the moment you realized I’d left.”

Astarion shook his head. “Wouldn’t do to have my precious treasure burn in the sun,” he said sadly, and there it was again, that softness that made her want to rush back to his side.

He gave her some space, taking several steps back, and chose to be honest for once. Astarion figured it might win him back some grace and might make her think there was a chance for him to be what she wanted him to be.

“If none of my other words are worth anything to you, then at least remember this: I respect that you chose to leave.”

She looked up in shock.

“You were always worth more than just this,” he murmured. “I always felt that you were… degrading yourself, in a way, being my consort.” He looked away, as he always had in moments of vulnerability. “I did try, Ban. I tried with you, in the only way I know how.”

Try as he might to tell himself that he was doing this to manipulate her, the truth was far more complicated.

She shook her head, refusing to accept. “You never actually tried, Astarion. If you did, you’d be him again.”

He’s still in there. Just let me in. Just let your walls down. Let me love you.

She stared at him, eyes cold in spite of the thoughts that plagued her mind.

He weighed his words. This could be the final time they saw each other, if he played his cards wrong. Part of him refused that idea, rebelled against it, wanted to gnash his teeth and bite at her and force her back, dragging her if that was what it took. But the other half, the smarter half, told him to allow her this and bide his time. He’d always been good at manipulating her heart, right from the start. He could do it again.

What he’d never say, especially to himself, were the real reasons he was letting her have this. He saw that she wanted this, that she needed this, and all he’d ever wanted was her happiness. That her Astarion still existed, and he was letting her go, because he didn’t deserve her. He never had, but it had never been truer than now, when he had broken her.

“But I would have ruined your love, used your trust until you were nothing.” A small smirk crossed his features, but it came across as more melancholic than anything. “Better that be someone else’s fate than yours, darling.” He used her old nickname again, the smirk shifting into a wistful smile.

Ban softened a little at these words, glad he was finally showing some small sign of progress. She found that it hurt her too, to lose him, but she didn’t fear him knowing that.

“You’ve already ruined my love, Astarion. If you think you’ve spared me that fate, it’s too late.”

A small glimpse of the old Astarion was visible as the mask slipped. Ban saw him swallow and take a shaky breath, she could almost feel the knife twist in his heart until he stiffened up and recovered.

“Well. Better that it end now at least, than have it last for however much longer. I’ve divested myself of my former self. Maybe you’re the final attachment I need to let go of.” He dusted off his suit to give his hands something to do before meeting her gaze again. The longing in her eyes sent a sharp bolt of pain through his chest; for a moment - just a moment - he considered groveling on the floor for her love.

But that was beneath the Ascendant, and he always won out in the end. He straightened up.

“This is farewell, then, Ban,” he said, “I hope this is what you want.”

He walked away, then turned his head back towards her, reminding Ban of the first night he’d bitten her. When he had thanked her and gone to hunt.

“I’ll still always love you,” he whispered, and for those few seconds it was him.

Without another word, he was gone.

[putschki1969]

Hi Sarah, thank you for everything you have done to the Kalafina fandom until now, you're an angel.

Is there a tutorial for joining Finction Junction Station fan club? I want to apply for the next year's Yuki Kajiura live ticket lotteries an I want to be sure to have a ticket since I'll travel from a very far Country. Thank you!

Hello there lovely anon!

I currently have no dedicated tutorial for Yuki's official fan club, FictionJunction Station. However, many years ago, I made a very detailed post about Kalafina's fan club "Harmony". That post was meant to help people navigate the site and register as member. Even though "Harmony" no longer exists, the basic steps described in my tutorial still apply to both Wakana's fan club "Botanical Land" as well as Yuki's fan club "FictionJunction Station". All these websites are designed by the same company, SKIYAKI, so the basic structure is the same.

Here are some main requirements before you start〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Credit Card: They do accept overseas credit cards as payment option so you'll be fine with that

Japanese Address: Find a forwarding/proxy service that will arrange everything for you. There’s tenso.com for example. You can get a Japanese address on this page which you can then use to buy things at various websites. That address can also be used to become a fan club member. They will not do transactions for you (as in, buy stuff for you, apply at ticket lotteries), they simply provide an address, store your stuff in case you buy anything and later send it to you. All your stuff will be sent to that address and then they will ship it to you (you can choose from various shipping methods). Payment for goods is also possible via credit card so you can have the merch sent to your TENSO address as well. Then there are sites like www.sosjapan.jp which will do pretty much everything for you (including payments). They will register for you under your name. They will apply for lotteries/pre-order/buy tickets or merch for you. This may actually be a better option for you but that's something you'll have to decide.

Step 1. Get your SC ID. An account will be issued by acquiring an SC ID (it’s free to do that!) which is required to use the service of this site. Simply click on the “new registration” button and enter your e-mail address and a password. A confirmation e-mail will be sent, by clicking the link in the mail, the first part of the registration process is completed. After logging in with your SC ID, you can access “My Page”.

Step 2: Confirm your e-mail address. After you have confirmed your e-mail address you’ll receive another mail stating that the registration of your SC ID was completed. You may log in now with your mail address and password. Be aware that your registration process is not done yet. Next up you should go to “My Page” to enter all your information.

Step 3: Go to “My Page” to enter all your information. Regarding the name, just enter your name in Roman letters first and then in katakana (Google Translate can help you get a katakana version of your name). As for the address, the Japanese address system is quite complex and can seem intimidating at first glance but Tenso provides a few tips on how to enter it properly so be sure to check them out.

Step 4. Confirm the information and continue to the payment method. It’s super simple. You have the option to pay with credit cards which is really the only option that is of interest to us. Simply choose your credit card and enter all the important data. On the right you’ll see the details for your payment (admission fee + annual fee, no extra fees). There's also an option to enable an automatic renewal of your membership. Only possible if you are paying with credit card. Once your year is almost over, the yearly fee will automatically be transferred from your credit card. I guess this comes in quite handy if you are prone to forget things like that easily. Lastly, there’s a button to confirm the transaction and then I think you’ll be asked one last time to confirm all your data and THEN it’s DONE. You are officially a member! You’ll be transferred to a page stating that the process is finished and listing some of the important data. You’ll also receive an e-mail welcoming you to the fan club and summarising all your information (=> member number, expiration date, payment details, payment method)

Please also keep in mind that often, a fan club membership will not be enough to get concert tickets. Most fan clubs will use one of Japan's common ticketing services for their lotteries. With FJS it's usually Lawson Ticket or e+. It can be very difficult to register for these site since they require verification via SMS/phone call (Japanese phone numbers only!!) The payment for tickets is also pretty much impossible for overseas fans. If you are uncertain about any of this and not willing to jump through many hoops, I recommend you look into proxy services like SOSJapan (as mentioned above).

Good luck on everything! Hope you'll be able to attend one of the lives next summer. It's gonna be Yuki's 60th birthday in August so maybe they'll do something a little more special for it.

[caffeineaddictwriter]

Sotl Hannibal with a wife that owns a restaurant!

Warnings: mentions of cannibals, reader eats human meat without knowing.

•he first met you when he accompanied some old friends to your restaurant and you were cooking that night.

•he sat and watched you cook all night instead of engaging in conversation with his friends.

•when he tries your cooking (he knows you cooked it cause he watched you(open kitchen so customers can watch btw) he knew he had to introduce himself.

•by the time the group is all finished it’s almost closing time. So as everyone leaves Hannibal waits.

•”busy night?” He asks you as he leans over the kitchen counter as you remove your apron laughing at the question “when is it not” “let me treat you to a meal. Might not be as good as your cooking but it’s decent” you look up at the man finally taking in his features.

•you think for a minute before agreeing as he hands you a note with his address “my place tomorrow night” and with that he was off. You look at the note it’s a business card. Dr H. Lecter.

•you arrive the next day in a nice red dress smiling away as the doctor lets you in taking your coat before taking you to the dining room.

•”you have a lovely home doctor lecter” “thank you. And please just call me Hannibal my dear” he replies placing a plate of food down infront of you. “What kind of meat is this?” You ask tasting it. It was delicious but you didn’t know what it was “an exotic kind” he smiles back.

•he treats you to many meals at his home always stating you work so hard to make delicious food for everyone but yourself so to let him treat you well.

•it doesn’t take long for yous to become more than friends, cooking for you every night after your shift.

•he’s quick to ask why you decided to open a restaurant.

•speaking of the restaurant he’d be more than happy to help with whatever needs done. You need help in the kitchen, tell him what you need. Running short on waiters, he’s out there taking orders.

•and you bet your ass if there’s something needing repaired or bought he’s handing his card over no matter how much you moan at him saying you can afford it.

•loves trying out your new menu ideas.

•when yous wed he loves telling everyone his wife owns her own restaurant.

•hates the idea of asking you to quit your job so he can be the sole provider. He thinks it’s hot that you run a restaurant and get your own way whenever you want.

•if any other restaurant tries to compete against you suddenly the owner or head chef no longer exists.

[leikeliscomet]

No, Ncuti Gatwa's Casting Isn't Regressive

Chapter 3 - Dancing Queen/Conclusion

‘I’ve experienced racism my whole life, and while I always believed in myself, always knew [racists] were stupid and uneducated, I guess it did misinform my view of how the world works. It makes you think everyone has that opinion and you’ll constantly have to fight through life – then you learn that you don’t: you can find a tribe, you can find your people.’ - Ncuti Gatwa for Elle

So with the treatment of Who’s Black men and the neglect of Black women in its representations of womanhood, consider the Fifteenth Doctor. A dark-skinned Black queer man, wearing a kilt and a bold smile, spinning to his heart’s content on the dancefloor. This is an image of Blackness, an image of queerness and an image of manhood and masculinity the show has never seen before. Gatwa is fully aware of this and has gone in depth in his interviews. He’s also addressed his Rwandan heritage and his family fleeing genocide against the Tutsi. Gatwa knows the feeling of being an outsider, heavily mirroring the revelation of the Timeless Child. Black Britishness is already a form of representation mainstream British media has only recently acknowledged and in this case, Black Scottishness is taking the forefront. Despite being a British cultural stape, Doctor Who’s been shy about representing Black Britishness specifically. We’ve had three Black companions, but little references to the culture (minus Ryan’s mention of grime music in Arachnids). We know Yaz is Pakistani. But is Ryan African? If yes, is he Nigerian, Ghanaian etc.? Is Ryan West Indian? If so, is he Trini, Bajan etc.? Is he both? What was Martha and Bill’s heritage? Many Black people in the British Isles are 2nd and 3rd gen immigrants, some of us are African, some are West Indian and some of us are both. Black British identity is complex as it is a melting pot of different African and West Indian cultures blended to create something new. Gatwa’s Black Scottishness provides this insight to Fifteen. Gatwa’s Rwandan heritage is included in Fifteen’s sonic too, with Gallifreyan symbols translating the phrase ‘the sharpness of the tongue always defeats the sharpness of the warrior’. Other Black cultural references have appeared for Fifteen too, with Gatwa noting his wardrobe is inspired by Black American HBCU fits. Even though it isn’t yet confirmed (and unlikely for series 14/season 1 seeing as there are no Black writers… yay!), Gatwa has shown interest in a Nigerian historical stating he’d love for the Doctor to meet the Orishas, goddesses of West African folklore. Again, with many different Black cultures not only is this an opportunity for representation but also new stories, new locations and new concepts the show has yet to discover. To fit in so many spaces but none at all is a perfect summary of the Black British experience and other Black experiences in Western countries.

“We choose our families. And the Doctor is a lonely wanderer, looking for their next adventure … I know many a gay man, MANY a gay man, I could describe that way!” - Ncuti Gatwa for the Guardian

Queer Black manhood and masculinity is rich and diverse and with this new era, we could see the tip of its iceberg. There have already been representations of this before in media such as Moonlight and Noah’s Arc so for a mainstream British show like Doctor Who to feature a queer Black man as the lead, we have the opportunity to show something special. With Nine and Jack’s kiss and Fourteen’s cosign of Isaac Newton already showing this potential, we could see a canon longer term mlm pairing involving the Doctor for the first time. And not only that but with a Black doctor for the first time. A queer Black man showing love and being loved is a reminder for queer Black people that universe-defying romance includes us too and that our DoctorRiver or TenRose moments can exist.

There is so much to look forward to in this new era and even more potential for the type of representation it can bring. So with that in mind, I hope the greater fandom at large can see this and that newer fans will get to experience that same joy we did when we first fell in love with this show.

‘This person survived a genocide. This person fits in everywhere and nowhere. I am the Doctor. The Doctor is me. I decided that I had to get this role’ - Ncuti Gatwa for Rolling Stone

<- Chapter 2

[janekestrel]

So You Want to Play Dragon Age: Origins in 2024 

I have recently gone through the semi-grueling ordeal of trying to get this almost fifteen year old game to work on my PC, and after writing up a list for my friend of all the mods I used to make it functional, I was informed that the tumblr population may have a use for this information as well! This game, while very Of Its Time (2009), is one of my favorites. It is full of great characters and has a lot of heart, and it is still important to the story and lore of Dragon Age overall. I think it's worth your time! So if you care about the story arc of this game series and have the opportunity to play this one (especially with Veilguard officially existing and theoretically coming out soon), I strongly recommend it.

HUGE DISCLAIMER: I am NOT an expert on modding and I will almost definitely not be able to help you troubleshoot anything if you run into any problems. This post is just compiling the information and links I collected while on my journey to get this game playable on my PC. Most, if not all, of these links come with access to forums where you can ask for help from people who will be able to provide it, and that is where I recommend you look for answers! This game is old enough that almost every problem that is possible to run into has been experienced by someone else, so it's very likely that reading through the forum posts will get you the info you need.

Level 0: I just want this old ass game to work on my modern computer. I do not wish to install any mods, I am just here for the story and I don’t care what the game looks like while I play it.

To avoid the game crashing pretty much constantly, particularly any time you’re in a location with a lot of NPCs (so, any town), you will need to change your graphics settings to Very Low. It will look like dogshit. Most eye colors will not be visible and armor will be weird and glossy and in general the world will look like it hasn’t finished loading. But it should work.

HOWEVER: you may still run into various game breaking bugs and other issues that can be resolved by a mod in the next section, so be aware of that.

ADDITIONALLY: When I first opened my game after installing it, it looked extra shitty because it was defaulting to 800x600 resolution for some reason. It does not seem to be great at detecting monitor settings without help. Go into the game's settings and make sure the resolution is set to whatever your monitor is. This might seem obvious, but I wanted to mention it just in case.

Level 1: I am willing to install two necessary mods because I want the game to both work and not look like dogshit.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO INSTALL: Large Address Aware + patch from this random Steam user. This is the thing that will tell your game to stop being so scared of the fact that it is no longer 2009 and it is installed on a computer with more than 2GB of RAM. For LAA to work with the Steam version of the game, it needed extra fiddling, so this very nice person pre-patched it and uploaded it with instructions on how to install it in this post: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=233222451

If you do not have the game through Steam, you can get LAA and install instructions here: https://www.techpowerup.com/forums/threads/large-address-aware.112556/

Ultimate DAO Fixpack  This fixes a bunch of random bugs and issues, of which there are many. I don’t even know what they are, because I installed this before I started playing and therefore have not encountered any of them. It's like a vaccine for your game. It's on Nexus, like most of the rest of these are, so you will need to make an account there to download it. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4689

Level 2: I am willing to install a few additional mods to improve the experience of playing the game.

Before I link any more of the mods, here is some very basic mod-related guidance that may be helpful to someone who is a complete beginner to modding this game:

Most of the following mods you will need to “install” in the override folder yourself (i.e. just copy them over to it); in my experience, the Nexus Vortex mod manager thing does not work 99% of the time with this game, so don't bother with it. I made a DAO Mods folder on my computer to keep the zip files in, then I unzipped them to the override folder here: Documents\BioWare\Dragon Age\packages\core\override

If any of the mods say “install using DAUpdater” (the fixpack does, for example), that is an application you can find in the game's installation files, wherever you have those. (Steam users can easily get to these by right clicking the game in your Steam library and going to “manage > browse local files.”) It will be in the “bin_ship” folder. You should only have to associate the DAZIP file type with this application once--afterwards, you can just double click the mod file and it will open in DAUpdater.

If any of the mods say “Install using DAO Mod Manager,” that is here: https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/277

The most important thing is to read the mod developer's instructions on how to install it. Don't assume everything will work the way other mods do. If you install it wrong, the mod will not work and could even cause weird or alarming side effects. Just trust me.

I strongly recommend these:

Mouse Cursors for 4K DAO This will give you options to make the cursor bigger. This is a good one just in general for accessibility reasons. The default one was tiny on my monitor and I kept losing sight of where it was, especially during combat. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/5167 Install location is in your game installation files under packages\Core\data\cursors - pick the size cursor you want and overwrite the original folder (and keep a copy of the original somewhere)

UI Mod - Readable Fonts and UI  Basically just makes everything bigger for higher res monitors (and for general accessibility) so you don’t have to squint at microscopic text on your screen. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/73

Level 3: I am willing to install even more mods if it will make the game look better.

There are a lot of these on Nexus to choose from, and not all of them are compatible with each other (which is important to remember and look into if you start installing a ton of mods). These are the ones I like that also play nice with each other:

Unique Face Textures for Companions  This mod preserves what the companions/important characters look like but improves their skin textures and makes their eyes clearer. Make sure you also copy the textures folder into the override folder along with the Companion Morphs folder, I forgot to do this at first and it made Alistair look very shiny and blurry. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4666

Dragon Age Redesigned  This is a huge mod full of graphic improvements to like every NPC. This mod comes with a pdf of instructions on how to install everything and is pretty easy to navigate. There are also versions of most of the companions as well, if you prefer this version of what they look like. (Some of those will require extra mods to install--the pdf will tell you what you need.) https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/686

Also potentially required for this one, depending on which version you pick: https://www.moddb.com/mods/tmp7704/downloads/tucked-hair

Level 4: I want cuter hair and armor choices for my character.

Another thing there are countless mods for, and if you’re getting this into it, I recommend going through Nexus and perusing on your own. These are the ones I was able to get to work on my computer with the other mods in this list installed:

Jenya’s Random Hairstyles: https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/4795

More Hairstyles: https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/392

DA2 Grey Warden Armor: https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/3258

Level 5: That is all fine but the game is still unplayable until I can bring my dog everywhere with me without sacrificing a companion slot.

You are right, which is why this is actually the most important mod on this list.

Extra Dog Slot  This lets you add your Mabari as a summon. https://www.nexusmods.com/dragonage/mods/664

Final notes: This is NOT in any way a conclusive list of DAO mods, there are obviously so many for this game and if you want to do more than this, knock yourself out! I just wanted to post this as a starter pack for these types of people:

1. Brand new player who just bought it on Steam for $2 or whatever it was and wants to play but is intimidated by the idea of modding it 2. Returning players who haven't played in forever/on a PC and want a place to start with mods that will get the game to work 3. Really anyone who wanted to play/replay this but when they started up a new game, it just started crashing over and over and it was making them really mad and annoyed so they gave up because they didn't know how to fix it

I have been every player on this list at one point or another and a post like this would have been really helpful to me.

Now go out there and have fun defeating the Archdemon, fellow Wardens 🫡