#my entire body hurts this sucks
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having to be constantly happy for him is exhausting
#and im not even doing it right LMAO still pissed out at literally nothing#since i dont do hard physical labour i dont deserve to have bad days is what he said but honestly i dont have the energy for that#should i be taking it out on him ? no#am i ? yes#so i understand the frustration but like fuck me i literally need to be perfect or everything is wrong#god and i need to buy him a christmas gift otherwise ill like kms and feel awful#but ill like buy the wrong thing probably#i tried making something again but it was awful and ugly and bad so i gave up#maybe itll be a present ill give if we meet irl#so i have ages to mess around with it#my entire body hurts this sucks#i want to die#just realised how shit of a gf i am like i cant think of a christmas gift and i cant make one and i make him so upset#what is the Point#ugh#jamie.txt
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Fun things about being a repeat patient at PT for neck, back, and shoulder pain is nobody even suspects I got top surgery for gender reasons because I legit had some of my chronic pain almost entitely fixed nearly instantly by it so everybody just figures I did it for pain relief
(I mean, that was also a reason, but it was secondary)
#Unfortunately my joints suck for genetic reasons so like#'I slept funny' is a legit way i can injure myself enough to need PT lmao#But there's none of that 'it hurts bad enough to fuck up my life for no reason anybody can find' stuff anymore#Honestly if i didn't have gender issues I would almost certainly have gone for a reduction anyway due to the chronic pain#Like an actual injury kicked the whole mess off years ago but the entire area had been#Fucked up and prone to extra injury and pain ever since no matter what i do#(They don't know because I haven't changed my name pronouns or gender marker)#(Doing so offline was never important to me since I'm largely indifferent to it as it's my body that's the problem)
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FilmCooper should actually stop making videos on serious topics. He has a lot of shit takes on sensitive matters. There's this intense "guy who paints his nails to seem progressive" energy. I don't think he is a horrible person per se, but he is not as nuanced as he tries to come off as. Saying Justin Baldoni should have just "sucked it up" because he asked an important question to keep himself safe from injuries? Man, you should sit this one out. And the comments about Chappell Roan releasing statements telling people to stop stalking her as "statements after statements" "like 30 posts" is very weird from someone who bends over backwards to defend women because he is the only doing "some research" and looking at stuff from a different angle. Honestly, if being wrong multiple times in the expanse of one video was a tournament, his video would be the top contender.
#Film cooper#Blake lively#justin baldoni#His newest video at 27:35 is where he says Justin should have just sucked it up#Chappell Roan#The whole thing is so bizarre and every word from his mouth keeps making the video worse#He contradicts himself so many times and is absolutely unaware of it while saying somebody else is being insensitive#I am typing this post as I am listening to the video and jesus#This is not coherent at all. I am just#I will be honest I am not surprised by his behaviour#About like 6 months ago or maybe there was one AITA video or something he did and he had so many terrible takes and I just stopped watching#him for a while and people did point it out but I never heard anyone talk about it again#'I am not a Blake Lively fan. I don't like her. I think she's tone deaf'#<- Proceeds to defend her the entire video. Is tone deaf to Baldoni's understandable health concern. tries to frame the interviewer body-#-shamed by Lively as a clout chaser. says Chappell Roan's multiple statements are silly and too much.#Trying to frame actual criticism of Lively as 'nobody would hate her humour if she was a man'#Oh my god. my brain actually hurts more and yesterday I had to wade through comments saying South Asians aren't ethnically Asians
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My professor was demonstrating Adobe's Project Neo and unenthusiastically showed us the AI integration. (He was working in a 3D rendering program AND streaming Discord on a fucking MacBook)
And he lost the ability to use his keyboard.
And I said, "That's what happens when you use AI"
And he said, "yeaahhh... probably"
#i think i love him#HE. WEARS. FUCKING. GARTERS FOR HIM GOT DAMNED SOCKS#im just afraid to try.... and not entirely for fear of rejection.#what if I DO end up in a relationship and like.... I abuse him on accident (trying to get my bipolar managed. it's still MY problem but I do#i do not purposely HURT people when my moods get drastic. You can accidentally abuse someone but you MUST take accountability. you MUST be#aware of your OWN problems and not hide behind bipolar as an excuse... I learned the hard way after much pain)#I am not inherently abusive. I do not like the thought of people hurting. I try to spread love and happiness...#but my bipolar and autism get in my way. and I am working to manage it.#i think he likes me back tho#the body language and the eye contact............ always speaking to me even when there is no reason to like...#idk#ai sucks#YO! i just remembered something fucking COOL! THEY FOUND STEM CELLS IN MENSTRUAL BLOOD!!!#science is trying to learn how to utilize the stem cells that menstrual blood contains#one of the main issues tho is ethics and how this advancement could be used to harm menstruating people#will men lock us all up and harvest our menstrual blood (probably not... They're too immature about it but like) idk#science is cool#it may also lead the push to move to more sustainable ways of managing menstruation!!! WHAT IF WE COULD SELL IT?! (money is fake)#he's reaaaalllly HOT like i am NOT kidding!!
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This has not been my week
#got sick#had two heart episodes in one day after going a very long time without having any#hit my head on the edge of an open cabinet hard enough for it to swell up immediately#and today my head has hurt so bad that ive not been able to get out of bed for more than like 1 hour total the entire day#cant tell if im still sick or if i gave myself a concussion#oh and my heart is still all sore/achy from the heart episodes from a couple days ago#and my body hurts#like this week has sucked so bad#this whole month has sucked actually#fucking allergies and fucking migraines from the weather changing so much and fucking not sleeping well
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I need something to change for the better as of like a week ago or else I might as well just never get out of bed again
#im so fucking tired of this shit man#like why did i have to be put in this piece of shit body#everything fucking hurts all the time i have to be very wary about what i eat my brain fucking sucks#like the autism chronic bipolar depression anxiety ptsd combination is wild#who fucking approved that#im exhausted im defeated im tired im just done with this#if im unemployed i wont have insurance for my shitty shitty body#but ill be a little happier#and if i work ill have money for insurance but literally almost zero life enjoyment#i spend my entire weekend sleeping#because im in pain and tired#i dont know what to do anymore#im tired of being asked what people can do to help or make it better#i dont fucking know#just kill me man i dont know what you want me to say#my goals all feel horrifically unobtainable#i dont want to do any of this anymore
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I need to take my sleeping pills. I want to find a dive bar somewhere and go suck someone's cock until i feel better though.
#red rambles#very annoying day. very annoying problems. the palm of my left hand is fucking burnt. my entire fucking body hurts. i want to go suck dick#about this but i have to sleep so i can go to class. i hate this fucking life i hate the things i have locked myself fucking into
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#i’m having such a bad day i actually want to cry right now#this is my second time during my shift today just sitting in the restroom trying to compose myself#everyone’s acting like i’m in charge around here and immediately when i walked in i was kinda bombarded with questions#on a normal day i probably would’ve been fine with these questions but i don’t feel well at all (think i’m starting my period)#so i just got really overwhelmed and started to feel extremely anxious#and now i’m so nauseous i actually feel like the room is spinning but i feel like i just need to suck it up at this point#my entire body also feels so hard to move and some parts feel numb because of the anxiety i think#i was already miserable before i came in so now i’m just stressed out :(#i spent basically the entire weekend feeling extremely unimportant and like people don’t value their time with me#because of a miscommunication issue but it’s like. idk. telling myself someone forgot doesn’t make me feel better#sometimes logically knowing the reasons is just an explanation#and then i don’t even wanna say anything because i don’t want anyone to think i’m needy or be mad at me or feel bad because of me#plus i never know when to bring stuff like that up. it never feels like a good time to tell someone they hurt and/or upset you#i’m so tired :( genuinely i just wanna sleep all week i wish i could stay home#at least it’s monday sami save meeeeeeeee
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I never really got sick as a child, or at least never really missed school because I was sick. I would roll my eyes whenever my sister stayed home for what felt like the littlest things to me. Like you have a headache and it hurts a lot? Wow, we all do, get over it. But I'm realizing now that I did get sick. Not a lot, but the normal amount y'know? But I thought that it wasn't that bad, so I didn't tell anyone, and just continued on. If no one else noticed how much pain I was in, then I must not really be in that much pain. And this has kind of stuck with me throughout life? Like take the incident that happened a little over a month ago now. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was sick to some extent for nearly a continous month, which explains why I had no energy at all during that time. I simply brushed it off as not enough sleep, despite my habits having not changed in months and it only just now affecting me. It all came to an head during this two week stretch. I would be out sick one day, and immediately force myself back the next, despite not actually being better. This continued for a while, until I actually fainted for a second and was forced to take the rest of the week off. I was most definitely sick than, and likely had been for a while, but I just didn't notice and didn't tell anyone because I thought that was normal. To always be in pain. I'm sure having chronic pain hasn't helped with this at all, but I'm also always sore when I shouldn't be. Everything hurts and it's just so fucking hard and I can't bring myself to tell anyone because little baby me ingrained it in myself that it really isn't that bad if no one else mentions it, so it all must be in your head. It hurts so fucking much.
#vent post#sorry. im... im noy doing great right now. this post kind of spiraled as well.#i hate that my body is like this. that i have to be in so much pain all the time. that no one believes im in so much pain.#because i dont act like im in pain. at all. ever#because im used to it. this has been my entire life but its gotten so much worse lately and i keep getting fucking more emotionally mature#and realizing “ph hey thag isnt normal” and it suck so much. its just to much sometimes.#sorry i just#its easier to talk about it here#because this is where i first learned about what chronic pain really is. and thay othed peopls hurt like me too#and... the whole hiding behind a screen thing.#its a lot easier to dissappear online than it is to in real life.#sorry.#this post is sponsored by your local kiwi
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due to all the current climate fuckery, there has been an excessive concentration of ozone in the air for the past THREE DAYS here and i can feel it in my body and it fucking SUCKS
and the alert has been extended into tomorrow
#literally almost my entire upper body hurts#my nose keeps swelling up and stuffing up#climate change#climate fuckery#ozone#also we’re not allowed to take our kiddos at camp outside#which i get obvs but they have gotten SUPER antsy about it and that sucks too#love that for us! /sarcasm#anyway that’s how i’m doing
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i'd like to get off the bonepain rollercoaster please
#entire right side of my body hurts today this fucking sucks#i have barely gotten anything done today
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One thing we discovered while installing my floor is that my room does not have straight walls
They are slightly curved in some places
So that made installing very straight floor boards *super* fun and not at all frustrating
#its a good thing my pop drove out to help despite the snow#cuz my mom was ready to give up after 2 hours of trying to get the boards to lock into place while ones that had been locked into place#got unlocked from eachother and shifted around#i probably wouldve stubbornly kept at it by myself likely while crying out of frustration the entire time#but then i wouldn't have had the energy to move my furniture back into my room#so that wouldve sucked#my whole body hurts so thats fun#hopefully i can get out of bed in the morning so i can go to work#i already dug my car out of the snow#the unfortunate side effect of my room being in the basement is that the basement is also the garage#and we dont have carbon monoxide detectors down here rn so im leaving my car out in the driveway for now#i need an online job
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The pain isn’t that bad but it’s like I’ll be settled in a way that it’s okay just for this pulsing squeezing pain to happen on and off followed by a little stabbing pain. I just wanna be comfortable and every time I do the pain is right back. Fuck man. The itching also doesn’t help. My skin is so inflamed I just need this shit to end I’m so tired.
#personal#I’m so :/#I just wanna stand#walk#and lay down without feeling pain#I’m a stomach sleeper but it hurts the most so I was side sleeping which makes me tense#the pressure on my hips caused two flares and now walking SUCKS#sitting already sucks#I’m just :/ I should call out#I ran out of Tylenol#we have some at work but it isn’t ultra strength like I keep in my bag#last night I felt like I was gonna pass out and got super winded bc of the pain.#my entire body was trembling I’m just.. so tired of being sick. so goddamn tired man
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Is it just me... or are modern instructions too vague to tolerate?
Perhaps the neurodivergence is to blame or this... hustling, convenience culture that we live in, but I get real frustrated with having to read between the bullet points of someone else's recipe. Not that I don't have the creative imagination to figure some things out, but more and more often I'm encountering the need to experiment where the writer of said instructions seemed to leave something out.
Like these loquacious, bombastic, self-promoting introductions to the tune of, "Lemme give you the grand tour of this magnificent artistry I have discovered purely by accident in my journey towards thus and such another thing entirely" only to land on four bullet points of vague information that leaves me holding the whisk with a furrowed brow and a chest full of disappointment.
How long do I whip the whipping cream for the right consistency? "Until it doth thicken." But how thick? "Store in the fridge and serve." [rage] [proceeds with experimentation to land on the right answer thanks to trauma-induced coping strategies for the sake of self-preservation] [screams in neurospicy]
Like... things seem to be written as a sparking reminder to the OP rather than a clear outline to an audience who is not living rent free inside OP's head. As a non-mind-reading intellectual, please share the missing details. Thank you.
The 2-ingredient banana mousse turned out amazing, by the way, but no thanks to the original instructions. And I made it better [sticks tongue out at recipe].
#adhdemon#neurospicy#instructions nowadays hurt my traumatized brain#i'm a grown ass adult but don't ask me how it happened#neurodivergent#instructions suck#personal issues#woodpengu thoughts#raging against human over generalization#the answer is to whip it with a hand mixer until it becomes the consistency of dense cool whip#and your entire upper body is screaming for reprieve
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,
#the harder i swim the faster i fucking sink#i actually tried my best to like. do something today. went to my sport practice that ive been skipping for weeks#and it sucked and i didnt like it and the girls there all ignored me (obviously because im never fucking there)#and i had to train with this tiny fucking annoying kid who kept walking away and leaving me alone#so i couldnt fucking do anything#and now im home and my entire body hurts and my mum told me to go away and im just. fuck !!#i KNOW its late and im just tired but dude im tired of my entire fucking life#i tried to pick out nice clothes today to help me feel better (bc i had been scrolling pinterest and was feeling so inspired)#but that just made me miserable <3 because im not a fucking pinterest girl and my closet is just random shit#not some fucking. aesthetic . and i never own the clothes that i wanna wear at that moment but i also can never find things i love in stores#and i cant believe im complaining about something as mundane as this i just. feel like shit rn#tried to do some painting and it didnt work bc i had zero inspiration and everything i made looked ugly as hell! so that was fun#i fucking. need to change something up. cut my hair weed out my closet change my room. because i am feeling sooo stuck in this life#first tho. i will go to bed#because of course i have fucking work tomorrow. i cant WAIT until april when i can finally stop at this fucking job#(well i say can. they fired me <3 but who cares i wanted to quit anyway)#this has been. a long rant. oops#i just hate that so often when i try to make a positive change it just . fucking sucks#but what can i do about it. not much!#goodnight anyone who read all this i'm sorry#sas.txt
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It's all fun and games joking about bodies going OW for no reason for people older than us until we get to that age and This post is about my neck. I slept on my neck wrong. My neck will never recover.
#Actually I got violent vertigo and upsetti tummy from Too Many Redbulls driving cross country#at the end of the summer#and violently pulled something that forcibly locked my shoulder / neck / joint? some way as I threw up#and that shoulder and neck side have not been completely the same since#but since I had such horrible endometriosis all my life I have Incredibly High Pain Tolerance#I could likely get checked out find a disc slipped or something ridiculous#have a physician go “why did you never get this checked”#and go honestly not the worst pain plus American healthcare amiright#Just like how one leg is longer than the other and I was born with my hips wonked in a way that impacts my spine and I didn't notice#until a labor job sprained my entire fffing back and they took xrays and found all that#along with my muscles being so strained and pulling so much to one side it was pulling my spine with it#Anyway my neck hurts#American healthcare sucks AND#labor jobs = selling your body just as much as sex work does#Also I'm too old for sugar free redbull
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