#but that just made me miserable <3 because im not a fucking pinterest girl and my closet is just random shit

[uitzinnigmp3]

,

[st7rns]

𝐋𝐈𝐏 𝐆𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐒, m. sturniolo

✿ IN WHICH, everytime matt messed up his girlfriend’s lip gloss

✿ WARNINGS, black!reader, fluff, swearing, kinda suggestive at the end??

✿ RORA SPEAKS, i hope ygs like this! ik it’s kinda short but i js wanted to write smth quick n easy and im a literal lip gloss addict so.

NO. 1

i’m standing in the mirror, layering my lips with my favorite pink lip gloss. my lips were already lined with my signature brown lip liner and the lip gloss just added the cherry on top. me and matt were going out today for lunch, so of course, i wanted to look good.

in the reflection of the mirror, i see matt walk into our shared room. “you look really pretty, baby” he compliments me which makes me smile and reply with a shy, “thank you.” even though me and matt had been dating for almost 6 months, he still made me nervous.

“so pretty i wanna kiss you” he leans in and gives me a sweet, but long kiss. i break away and pout, turning to look back to the mirror at my smudged lip gloss.

“matt!” i whine, “i literally JUST put this on.” i give him a stern look. he only laughs and wraps his arms around my waist from behind, “i’m sorry i just can’t help it when your lips look so damn kissable”

i roll my eyes in reply before reapplying my lip gloss and saying very seriously to matt, “that was your only chance of kissing me tonight, because i’m not about to be putting this back on a thousand fucking times”

matt unwraps his from around me to throw them in the air. “what the fuck? that’s not even fair!”

NO. 2

i was getting ready to record tiktok’s and take pictures because my hair looked good as fuck today and i didn’t want it to be for nothing. i add the final touch, lipgloss, before smiling at my reflection and heading to the triplets’ living room.

their living room literally has the best lighting in the whole house. i scroll through my saved tiktok sounds and land on nicki minaj’s black barbie song, the lyrics saying “i’m a fuckin’ black barbie. pretty face, perfect body.” and instantly smile and choosing it.

as i’m fixing my necklace so it fits just right, i hear the triplets walk through the front door. i lock eyes with nick first, who smiles at me “damn, you look fucking good!”

matt sets the fast food on the counter before looking me up and down, “my girl always looks good” he says proudly. chris snorts and mocks him in a childish voice before saying, “what the fuck did you expect? her to look bad?”

nicks punches chris in the arm, making him grab his shoulder in pain. “stop trying to start arguments cause you’re fucking miserable”

matt laughs and kisses me on the cheek, “she could never look bad” i smile and before i could say anything, he grabs my chin and kisses me on the lips. i immediately break away and groan, “matt, my lip gloss!”

“just put it on again” he shrugs, not even feeling bad. i throw my head back in annoyance, “it was the last of it! i can’t just put it on again” i grab my phone and storm off to the bathroom.

“you know i can just buy you another one?” i hear him yell but i ignore it and slam the bathroom door.

NO. 3

i’m laying on matt’s bed, scrolling through pinterest. we just got back from filming a car video, that lasted longer than usual because chris had to pee a hundred times. that kid needs to really stop drinking pepsi so much.

matt comes in the room, fresh out the shower. he lays down next to me and i can smell his cocoa body wash. i give him a soft smile as i run my hands through his hair. i can’t help but admire him. everything about him. his blue eyes. his pink lips. his stubble above his lips.

“what?” he laughs, staring back at me. i shake my head and quietly say “nothing. you just look so handsome right now” he smiles back at me and snakes a hand around my waist, pulling me closer.

he stares down at my lips before back up at my eyes. i feel him trace patterns on my waist. i look at his lips as well, which only gives him the confirmation he needs to kiss me. it’s a slow and sweet kiss but quickly turns heated, his tongue exploring my mouth.

he breaks away to gasp and cover his hand with his mouth, “i forgot about you’re lip gloss” he giggles. i laugh with him and playfully roll my eyes, “for the first time, i don’t give a fuck about my lip gloss,” i hook my leg around his waist and flip myself on top of him.

“now kiss me” i say against his ear. matt wastes no time connecting our lips and dropping his hand to my ass, squeezing the plump skin.

[whimsicat]

sister says maybe i should try journaling to get this stuff out of my mind

and maybe then i can sleep

idk if it’ll work. from my experience, nothing is good anymore, nothing helps.

but whatever. i’m tired all the time. i want to sleep. i sleep in to like 1pm sometimes since my job isnt until 2. i want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

so here i am again. on tumblr, on an old account i don’t really use anymore, though that might change here i guess...i’ve been just sitting around on Pinterest because it’s all the glory of cool pictures without Tumblr’s holier than thou attitude.

but maybe it’s just a symptom of me not being social.

i keep trying to be social. can’t. doesn’t work, you know. sorry to everyone that did try to talk to me. i can’t

i want to. can’t. i can hang around in real life for a while. do my job. i work with kids after school. get paid barely above minimum but i have weekends and holidays off. could be worse. i watch kids on my own. no one’s ordering me around. thing is i don’t like being in charge and i didn’t apply for that, but i got placed in that role because we’re short-staffed and because my boss said i qualified. so i tried it. why not. it’s okay mostly. my older sister’s so incredibly kind to let me stay in her home. she’s really cool. only one of my family that’s not mentally screwed up i think

got my hair trimmed today. thought i looked okay. not great though. but not bad. i guess.

made a bunch of french fries today...i like french fries. i go seeking comfort food. but i’m still losing weight. i’m under 100 pounds which is normal for me, but i think i’ve started to lose a bit more recently...whatever. little sister and i made plans to go out next week. gonna take her to wing stop because she wants to go and for some reason our parents don’t want to take her, lol...we’re gonna go shopping and stuff.

i guess that’s cool.

but i’m a dumbass.

holy shit am i a dumbass

unrequited love with one girl for six years, going on seven...trying to convince myself i can get over her, that i’m okay with being friends. some days that’s fine. other days are like now. i’m up at 3am because i can’t sleep, my mind’s buzzing, i’m tired and i’ve looked at other equally miserable posts from depressed people on reddit’s depression forums...looking for people who understand, though i never post anything myself...

that’d be fine

it’d all be fine

but i’ve been trying to get a relationship, to date someone, to hold someone, to be able to write “i love you” and get it back, anything, for the last eight years, and guess what? no luck. i’m 24 years old and i’ve never held hands, much less dated someone, much less received a kiss. i want this more than anything in the world. i’m not looking for a forever soulmate or anything, not right away...i just want this most basic of human touches. i’m starved for contact. i’ve tried dating apps and talking to people and just...GAH. no luck. at all. 3 confessions to people i’ve been interested in over the years and always, no interest, just sympathetic murmurs of “oh, anyone’d be lucky to have you.” and the one time like five years ago i ever got a confession from someone else, i was so screwed up from my depression and low self-esteem that i told her i wasn’t ready, and understandably nowadays she’s long since moved on, though we still talk sometimes.

if i could turn back time.mp3

my life is a joke.

i don’t understand why my love is unrequited. how is it that we would talk every day, same interests, same sense of humor, long into the morning, similar like...romantic and sexual interests even...we’ve made jokes about it...

and she doesnt see me like that at all. no one even like, dates me to try? people just know instinctively that im not what they want and they turn me down gently.

bullshit...

and now i’ve REALLY fucked up

royally so!

i made a suicide attempt last year and now it’s heavily back on my mind. wishing i hadn’t been a coward. wondering how or when i’ll do it if i try again

i made the mistake of telling my unrequited love such feelings lately

guess what happened.

guess.

she freaks out and now i’ve stressed her out and she hasn’t talked to me for the last few days. says talking is hard now knowing what i plan to do. so i guess her solution is just not to talk to me now. okay. i don’t blame her. won’t message her. she can distance herself. i don’t blame her. who’d want to talk to me. LOL. wow. i’m so fucking stupid. i’m stupid. 

holy SHIT

WOW

NICE GOING YOU FUCKING IDIOT

now i don’t even have her to talk to.

now i just want to end it sooner

i should’ve just cut her out of my life back in february last year when we had our argument over her being a colossal jerkass about something...because then she wouldn’t have to deal with me. she could’ve just moved on from me and i could’ve died in that lake i walked into. she’d probably be a lot happier.

i’m tired and empty. this life is pointless. other stuff too. life is a grind. it’s worn me down. depressed since i was 13. bullied and lonely and sad. what’s the point

there isn’t any

listening to lo-fi stuff because it helps me sleep at night

still a joke. that’s funny. 

isn’t it funny?

i’m glad this old account will likely go unnoticed. can talk to myself.