#my brain just doesnt function how it should

[sad-leon]

Forgor to clock out but already took melatonin so even if I wanted to make that 30-45 minute round trip, I couldnt ;-;

I know its not a big deal, but the anxiety doesnt know that

This why I liked swiping my badge, much harder to forget to clock out (though also much easier to forget to clock in)

[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

If i had a quarter for every villain that CANONICALLY ends up being friends with (or at least close to) Donut I'd have three quarters!!!

I'm rounding up to get a full dollar of "former villains get to be friends with Donut" with red team locus thank you for your time

[umblrspectrum]

still thinking about it so heres a bunch of stuff

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[femmefaggot]

my mother acting like me not grabbing the garbage from the curb is the end of the world. it was taken Yesterday and im so close to having a panic attack it is not even funny so youre going to need to give me a few fucking minutes.

[1nt3rnalpu7ref4ct10n]

tumblr wont let me post anymore pics for the night so

✨Random Xmen Hcs that i just thought up recently based on xmen tas s1e3 and 4✨

(these are mostly sabretooth related cause big angry kitty man got my brain)

Harnesses: Logan actually (based on the animal) loves harnesses, but probably has bad past experiences w harnesses, so hed need positive reinforcement training (like how you train dogs to not hate muzzles or crates). Victor however L O A T H E S harnesses, based on those videos of cats being unable to function when theyre wearing those walking harnesses for the first time

Scott doesnt know how to properly interact with pets, hes the type to just awkwardly start petting a cat or dog thats sat on his lap and he doesnt know what to do

SCOTTS SO AUTISTIC I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS HES AUTISTIC AS FUCK

Vic does that flehmens response thing whenever he smells somethin, its not that its a bad smell (half the time it Is a bad smell *cough cough logan*) its that hes trying to process the smell and what the source is

not based on the episodes i just think its fun: kurts like a weird and adorable mix between a cat, gecko, n owl (i saw fanart of kurt with owl feet and i fuckin love that idea, and hes flexible, he can probably turn his head almost 180 like owls)

OH ABOUT CATS VIC DOES THAT MOUTHING AFFECTION THING BIG CATS DO CAUSE PRESSURE ON TEETH FEELS NICE

Victor also has the tapetum lucidum thing (like logan) so i cant help but always imagine he n Logan are fighting or something in the dark and when they hear a noise they just look up and 2 sets of blue-ish green/copper-red eyes are reflectin whatever light there is

When Victor stretches, he stretches his hands and claws, so his claws like grip onto a table or somethin and he stretches so hard his arms do that shakey flex thing and his claws just rip and tear whatever theyre stuck on, i think theres a video of a tiger doin this somewhere

Logan prob also does the claw stretch thing, hes gotta, claws are the entire length of his fucking forearms, and kurt maybe if he does have claws

idk, this is mostly just talkin about victor bein a 7ft tall cat

KURT IS DIGITIGRADE, kinda/somewhat, ive seen kurt in some of the cartoons be shown as digitigrade and it should be talked about more

not a hc but actually kinda canon SCOTTS A REDHEAD, HIS HAIR COLOR IS LIKE THE SAME AS ROGUE AND GAMBITS

another hair hc/somewhat canon: MAGNETO ALWAYS HAD WHITE HAIR, THATS WHY PIETRO HAS WHITE HAIR ITS FUCKING GENETIC

[beesmygod]

when you started the comic, were any characters in your head radically different than they are now, now that they have been incorporated into the story? what has their evolution been like in your brain?

this might have a really long answer that's just jerking myself off but this is the kind of question i really like to think about. so thank you/forgive me lol.

i think every single character has gone through some version of development or flanderization as a result of how the comic itself and my approach to making it changed. the more time i "spend" with each character, the more i am forced to conceptualize how and why they react or behave the way that they do in response to whatever situation they are in. i dont know how other people do it. i have to think about the long arc of a character's personal history up until the point where they've found themselves in the situation they are now. what is the sequence of events that lead to them in this moment? how did their personality and circumstances of their life put them on this path? what do they want out of this interaction? what are they willing to do to get it? what drives them? etc. and so on. its a lot of interrogation of their decision making process and why it would have failed them so badly that they cross paths with maxine lol.

each character sort of started off as an archetype or to serve a function that directly served the plot development of the comic; now, i work backward from that initial characterization (which is blessedly broad enough to warrant this). if x experienced y, what would they do? why would they do that? what is the foundation of their life that lead to them behaving the way that they do right now? not all of this gets shared with the audience, obv, nor should it. that would be tedious. i worry the amount of dumping im doing now with alice is tedious or overt in a way thats detrimental to storytelling. but i dont have infinite time to slowly unravel the mysteries of these characters and people don't have infinite patience. tricky hoe to row, you know.

most characters were considerably more tragic than they are now. often stereotypically traumatized in a way that was inauthentic; the kind of "trauma" response that makes one pathetically alluringly delicate and precious. the kind that only shows up in stories with the explicit, transparent purpose of making a character sympathetic without any of the emotional gravity or potentially ugly bits that come with legitimate traumatic loss in early life development. this doesnt work for me; i am more interested in trying to figure out "how do these people manage to function in spite of everything wrong with them". what coping mechanisms have they developed to deal with the world they navigate where they can't even easily kill themselves to get out of having to live? that sort of thing.

if you have questions about individual characters, i would love to get more detailed without giving too much (?) away. the one that changed the least is probably alice, whose motivations have always been clear to me and the most useful for the plot. the hardest part was trying to communicate those motivations without making them too cloying or uhhh. pure-hearted. like, it would be wholly uninteresting and unsatisfying to me if her character was that she was secretly kind and merciful under a prickly exterior because she's ~afraid of being hurt~ or whatever. i hope that's not how it came off. i think there's something really wrong with her in a way that's accidentally beneficial to society.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Thoughts on ASPD stigma.

Even psych professionals often dont comprehend how having CD or ASPD (or NPD or even BPD) is not the same as having "bad person disorder", and they forget that a person without those disorders can be equally toxic or manipulative. ANYONE can be. Even depression or anxiety can contribute to someone being toxic. Drug addicts are known for being highly manipulative and toxic, yet we correctly identify them as the victim and patient who needs serious help. (And you dont even choose to have a mental illness at all, while many addictions start as a choice).

The stigma and defeatist attitude of psych professionals refusing to treat ASPD or see it as impossible leads to confirmation bias and a self-fulfilled prophecy. Even if the ASPD itself cannot be treated, most have co-morbid issues, and a depressed, drug addicted, traumatized sociopath will behave worse than a non-depressed, non-addicted, healthier one. They should focus on other areas and work on what they can. The brain, and life itself, is a system, and making one aspect healthier will make all parts at least a little healthier. Also, they know people with ASPD notoriously do not seek out treatment and tend to reject it, so why not try when someone is willing and take the opportunity to learn what works and what doesnt? Where is the willingness to try? To try challenging their own therapeutic skills? The academic curiosity to learn?

Ive been medically discriminated twice, due to an ASPD diagnosis myself, and due to my own schooling in psych, I know that they straight up teach students that therapy just makes people with ASPD more manipulative. And I'm actually not even denying that, I do think thats true in many cases, but refusing to treat a person with mental illnesses and trauma because they MIGHT become more manipulative in the future is crazy. This way of thinking is not tolerated in any other field- medical, legal. A doctor doesnt (usually) refuse to give treatment, even to a murderer or rapist. A judge cant sentence a person as guilty because they feel like they might commit a crime in future. (And at least committing a crime is objective, while "being manipulative" is subjective, vague, and also not illegal...).

Whenever I work as a mental health professional, I make a point to approach my clients with unrelenting positive regard. I think the best of them even when they're being very symptomatic, even when cursing me out and physically attacking me. I hold the belief that they are trying their best and severely struggling, and I treat every day as a new leaf and fresh start between us. The patient who actually has the illness is the one suffering the most. Its a disorder for that reason, because having it really sucks and negatively impacts a persons life in every category of functioning. No one sane chooses that. If I can do this with an ASPD diagnosis, they certainly are able to.

I think this stigma could be reduced a little by including internal experience and thought process in the diagnosis criteria, or at least discussing it with students, not just focusing on external behavior. This deeper understanding of the psychology behind ASPD may increase empathy and help clinicians see ASPD as a complex, usually trauma-driven mental illness whose presentation can vary a lot between people and that doesnt make up the entirety of a person's personality, instead of just seeing someone choosing to be shitty.

Also I know prison inmates are a conveniently available population to research, but they should really research people with ASPD who are able to keep out of prison and somewhat function in society, and females too, not just violent male convicts. Obviously basing all knowledge on extreme cases and only one sex is going to give a skewed perception.

[freebooter4ever]

is the corset comfortable enough to wear everyday? or at least more comfortable than the pooling blood? I'm curious about what will happen after consistent use and then removing it all. the blood pooling happens right away when the compression isn't happening?

it's interesting that it would work similarly to compression tights. I don't really understand how that would work considering how much your torso moves at any given moment while you breathe. at first I was going to say I'd like to read a long paper about it, but realistically I'd prefer a youtube video with visuals. I'm a slave to technology.

It certainly feels comfortable enough to wear it all day so far - though I am starting small and plan on wearing it in the early morning when the brain fog is the worst and in the evenings until I get used to it. What I have on isn't a corset btw, it's shapewear. Which i bought as a test before i invested in a full blown corset.

The interesting thing about POTS is that it is literally different for everyone - there are commonalities but seriously mine is SO different from anyone i've talked to online and that seems to be the 'norm'. My only advice would be to try everything because you don't know what will work and try to make sure every piece of gear you buy is returnable. Once you find something your body tolerates then you buy a bunch of it (i started with 1 compression tights, now i have 4).

I genuinely have no idea scientifically how compression works - I asked my cardiologist and he didn't really explain it to me just kept repeating the type of compression i should wear. I do know that i have been wearing the tights for about two months now and still the minute i take them off the blood starts pooling (and it dont stop pooling). As i gain muscle, as i get rid of the bacteria in my intenstines, this could change. Or i could be dealing with this for the rest of my life. Doctors haven't studied it. Cause it doesnt kill you it only disables you and takes the joy out of your life because it slowly depletes your brain of oxygen and your body cant function like that 🙃. Plus up until covid it mostly affected women, and you know those women - anxiety ridden delicate creatures clearly faking these symptoms for the attention.

Side note: i have learned i get frustrated with friends and strangers who try to talk about 'how brave' and 'resilient' i am and how they 'admire me' for fighting this. I call bullshit lol, this isn't some bravery on my part this is just me fighting to survive. I got lucky in that my body seems to respond to at least some treatments. I've read too many stories of people whose body didnt.

Ironically i did record a video essay last night in 3 parts, but it wasnt about compression, it was me rambling about how with all the evidence i gathered plus the tidbit i learned yesterday im 99.9% certain i met geno in 2012 in a pittsburgh nightclub when i was clueless and he was young and hot in a tight shirt. I might post it later today. I had to do multiple takes on the last video trying to describe exactly how well i vividly remembered the shape of this guy's body (i kept blushing)

[s0lar-ch3ri]

when cheri has ocs

its time to go silly mode.

LETS TALK ABOUT MY OCS FOR ONCE IN FOREVER :D

OKAY SO LIKE. paige (he/xey). 16 year old paige. he got multiple arms and shit, can grow up to 20 extra, and uses sign mainly to communicate as hes slowly losing his hearing (hes like at 40 as of rn, would be more but Events happened and it went down a LOT quicker)! he is a pd oc and has a nephew named collins (who ill talk about more either later or in a diff post, depends how i feel) and like. lets get into his silly lil thigns (putting a read more cause long rambles tee hee)

(OH AND NELF IK YOU FOLLOW ME. NO NO READING FOR YOU. or actually any of my friends in the rp sighs)

POWER INFO:

the arms can pop out basically anywhere on the back and sides of the torso (this does include the shoulders)! they can all be given different tasks to do, but paige prefers to have them all do the same things. the arms function like regular arms, and can be hidden on command. the arms arent really stored, they just appear. xeir skin though does has a faster scar-making process as to handle the arms that pierce out.

DRAWBACKS/DOWNSIDES/WEAKNESSES:

the arms do pierce the skin each time, and while xeir skin is able to form back at much quicker speeds, it still aches a bit when their first pulled out. the pain can last for longer and hurt more dependent on how many arms are pulled out. from this, everything becomes strange sensory wise and attempting tasks (like restraining someone or even picking something up) becomes a lot harder.

to command the arms to do different things requires a lot of focus on the arms. the more complicated, or the more arms doing all different things, the commands to the arms are, the less outside information is to taken in as to keep a focus over all the arms.

if an odd amount of arms is in use, it can cause an unbalance. its similar to phantom limb in a way, being incomplete in its set.

the arms can randomly pop out unexpectedly. whether its because of a fear response or he just had the misfortune of having them, it always hurts like hell (more then normal, and because of their wild nature, it doesnt really go away) and takes a bit to put away. he also becames basically unaware of his surroundings as all his focus goes into controlling these arms.

with the wild arms and shit, they also can damage paige. they are not under paiges control (unless, ofc, the focus thing) and as such squirm around. however, things can escalate and the arms seem to have a mind of their own, able to aimlessly grab and rip at things. this includes paige.

BACKSTORY:

paige had started noticably going deaf at the age of 8. for a couple years, they (xeir parents) tried to have paige speak, but eventually (when he was like 9 or 10) they just had him learn sign. also around the age of 8, paige had noticed the arm thing, but managed to hide them easy. hes a lil transgender guy and uses binding tape (he/xey btw should have said that sooner)! he ended up telling his nephew his secret (moreso because he caught him once and paige just decided to explain it all). as of current, paige is in highschool (where he gets picked on i mean hes a disabled kid hello??), able to balance both being a hero and a student pretty well (he may be failing a couple classes but like. surely he can fix it).

THE SECRET:

paige doesnt actually have "xeir" own powers. its a parasite, implanted into his brain. whether by accident or not (still havent decided), it was implanted around the birth of paige and is slowly eating away. its why the arms can be very wild and shit, theyre not really belonging to his control or him at all. it wasnt really identifiable and it isnt noticed by paige. so uh yeah

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

Still haven't recovered from "Guardian Demon"

Still feeling physically sick from it

Help

Alright my advice for "so you read the controversial dark fic people sometimes talk about and now you kinda need aftercare"

Get some fresh air if possible, get outside, disconnect a bit, it doesnt need to be for long, but a walk around the block if possible can help

Get something warm and comfortable, make some tea, some hot chocolate, some soup, warm and easy to hold.

Detox it out of your mind. If you're like me you struggle to let go of thoughts unless you can vent them or express them. Gossip with a friend about it, ask to rant about it. While this doesn't help everyone and if you aren't careful could make it worse, I personally find being able to go "LOOK AT THIS BULLSHIT" to be a good way to make my brain move on from a topic

Self care, have you taken a shower lately? eaten? hydrated? you may just be lacking some biological function and it's merging with your unease, so making sure youre clean, fed, and watered can help reduce it.

Read some fluff, listen to some happy music, watch a calming minecraft lets play, let your mind settle down, look at cute shipping art of the, remind yourself that it's a story and they are fine, pet a cat

Alternatively, if you aren't the kind of person that works on, switch to dark content you already know you like. Listen to that heavy metal song about the devil, watch a horror movie you know you like, read a spooky story that you know won't make it worse. Hell, play something like fnaf and get jumpscared a few times to get your brain onto a different less upsetting kind of lingering anxiety.

Vent content, this is similar to the detox, but more creatively focused, write an alternative end to the story, draw a picture of kokichi looking cool and powerful, make a new ending, a new story, one where it ends how you want it end, where it gives the closure you want for the characters. Hell, write about your super cool oc going into the story and rescuing kokichi! Even if it makes you feel a bit silly or self indulgent, that's good! that means youre having fun again!

Not all of these will work or be appealing, but doing a few should at least help take the edge off it. I said it kinda jokingly but it really is similar to aftercare, you read a really dark story with sexual themes and you essentially safeworded, you're going through a similar crash. You aren't being dramatic, or weak, or silly, or overreacting, or anything. Intense emotions over a period of time, even if it's just a few hours of reading, can cause crashes in your brain due to chemicals going a bit funky. It's kinda like how if you get home from a super fun party you suddenly feel really down and unhappy, that's an endorphin crash!

So even if it sounds a bit silly to say it about reading a fanfiction, but if it's fucking with your head still, you need to give yourself aftercare

[system-of-a-feather]

Tagging @syscurse with this cause they seem to have more awareness of the final fusion "discourse" and I dont have a thesis statement or any real argument here beyond just casual discussion nor do I know if Im "strawmanning" cause I havent actually seen much of it since M&M's final fusion backlash (+ Im not trying to argue, just share thoughts)

But the common line of "Final Fusion isnt even worth it / isnt even good because you can always resplit" and what not is honestly fucked up and problematic to say in regards to a healing method but on a personal level didnt so much have anything to compare it to in order to highlight it

But as someone who has been working with OCD longer than DID and final fusion, its kind of like saying "Trying to resist / be free from doing your compulsions isn't even worth it because you can always get new compulsions or relapse, even if you free yourself from all the ones you have now, its not like itll stay that way"

Cause - and Im not sure how many chronic long term OCD folks are out there - but for cases like mine where its "high functioning" (ie constant but due to how its done it doesnt impact my day to day as much as it should) and long long long deeply rooted and untreated, a valid settling place for healing is to just integrate and adjust the compulsions to be less intrusive and focus on navigating obsessions and intrusive thoughts better

For some it might just not be worth the time and effort to actually fully stop all the compulsions entirely because - in our case - there are too many, its too deeply rooted in trauma and other disorders, and so reinforced that to do so would be a SHIT ton of work whereas usually we actually are pretty functioning

So if we were to put the community aspect the DID community has onto the OCD "community" then one could say there is "full remission" and "functional OCD" as recovery goals.

And as someone whose happily settled in functional OCD and currently really isnt seeking out full remission (as that would probably be after final fusion) its completely valid to say "Im happy with this level".

Much like DID and splitting though, the OCD brain even after healing is still a brain physically wired in an OCD way and inevitably you are always going to be prone to developing obsessions and compulsions. Does that mean working on freeing yourself from the ones you currently have is pointless? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Even if you have two weeks, two months, two years, twenty years, forty years and then "relapse" or whatever it is and end up gaining new obsessions / compulsions or splitting a new alter, obtaining that period of ideal and desired healing is an amazing thing.

Healing has ups and downs and works like a tide for almost every disorder and every version of healing. Its not a special thing about DID or final fusion, heck the claim could be made with functional multiplicity and dissociative symptoms and barriers coming back

Idk man, Im mostly rambling thoughts but TLDR healing is a rollercoaster, sometimes its a Disneyland ride sometimes its Six Flags, but there are ups and downs regardless of the disorder and version of healing for an individual and I really think its a bit of a negative nancy and a thought coming from a place of not understanding later stages of healing from people not quite there yet

Anyways, just rambles open mic to anyone who wants to ramble back

[pup-pee]

*presents u my dick grayson hcs like ur @ my garage sale* (dick hcs #1?)

♡ this

♡ hes a passenger princess(no this is cannon whoopsie)

♡ dick is like the first girl 2 b killed in a slaughter movie, but just as a 27-ish yr old adult man

♡ draws on a beauty mark in a different spot everytime & gaslights any1 who asks about it -"hey wasnt ur beauty mark under ur other eye?" -"idk i cant see my own face"

♡ hes always losing his hairties bc he keeps shooting them @ ppl -& rubberbands 4 that matter

♡ we dont talk about the skin grip example -it involves a lot of falling & a lot of crashing -if ykyk

♡ dick usually has a twix in his pocket, but in order 2 get it u have 2 guess if its a left or right twix -he also respectfully keeps the left twin in his left pocket & the right twix in the right pocket

♡ he never believed in santa claus but is terrified that watermelon will grow inside him if he swallows the seeds

♡ not rlly a hc but hes vry mcdonals girl toy coded

♡ says "fuck it we ball" b4 jumping in2 a drug ring

♡ the hardest hes laughed in a while was @ a bucket falling over

♡ "masculine but in a peacock way" quotes,,,,,

♡ makes hot chocolate in a pot -refuses 2 make it in a mug it HAS 2 b done on the stove or its not the same

♡ knows how to do his make-up but doesnt know the name of the product he uses -foundation? no thats just my face paint

♡ if u ask him 2 draw, hell say "i cant even draw a straight line!"

♡ dick; *pulls out sticker sheet* *puts mlp sticker some1s face*

♡ swallowed grapes/blue berries whole as a kid bc he didnt know better -didnt chew them*

♡ dicks fav turtle is leo

♡ fixates on tinkering w/his bits & bots

♡ wears crocs -"y do u wear crocs?" -dick; kicks in their direction so the croc hits theyre face

♡ eyeballs measurements(like cooking) -until it comes 2 clothes, then its ultra mega super duper whopper popper deluxe edition focus

♡ h8s grippy socks -the textures weird + attracts halys hair(as if all socks wouldnt but-) -prolly h8s socks in gen

♡ had 2 have snorted pixie stick as a kid -i am such a believer that every kid has done this so he will 2 -as a dare @ LEAST

♡ when hes angry he plops 1 of those sweet cough drops in his mouth 2 chew on just so that he doesnt go off -any hard candy works 2 -he needs 1 of those chewie chewables

♡ biting/chewing hcs bc it needs a separate category @ this point -keeps chewing on earbuds -h8s biting his nails actually -no pen or pencil or eraser is safe -loves biting but h8s when his food is 2 chewy/has 2 bite harder than usual -has more than 1nce caught himself about 2 chew on electrical wire -bites ppl he loves 2 show appreciation/love nom -(i will defend this goddamn hc till the day i die)

♡ pizza bagels -if ur confused, come see me after class

♡ titans have basically banned horror movies from movie nights bc dick would complain about the gore/physics/traps/mo/literally anything 'inaccurate' -"dick its just a movie" "U DONT UNDERSTAND."

♡ has the most social media followers out of batfam but only posts 1nce a month(sometimes not) -its just a picture of his half eaten cereal captioned "beautiful day today"

♡ titians walked in on him doing a backbend & thought some1 murdered him(not 4 vry long though cause oviously he was alive i just like the thought of some1 like roy when he 1st joined the team walking in & doing the most dramatic gasp ever)

♡ listen, i like contortionist dick -its fun & silly

♡ takes 'cringe' as a compliment

♡ "ur mature 4 ur age!" dick; "let me fix that real quick"

♡ hair grows vry quickly

♡ h8s functioning labels(i mean we all should but yk)

♡ skilled in bingo

♡ over buys treats 4 haly -& toys

♡ insane internal clock -kinda ties in; tells ppl specific times -"meet me @ 2;37 pm" as an example

♡ comic sans enjoyer(literally stole from ttg but shhhhhh)

♡ more invested in presidential gay love affairs than WW1 or 2

♡ hes about yay high

♡ hyperfixates on languages istg

i literally could go on 4ever bc my brain is that highway in germany but i wont i regret nothing

pt 2 <- if i make 1 lol

[retired-magical-girl]

cant wait to be free from silent hill #lush life

#zara larsson

lol cant wait i just need to not pick the mental scab when im ok :D i honestly just realised how much of a loop my brain is ive had chairs taken away from me bc i dont stop spinning, i have this constant rls and need to move, i obsess negatively but i obsess positively and its very just who i am in some sense that my pattern recognition, ideas, and enjoyment derive from it. if i love someone i need to know everything and know their patterns. theres people i check everyday not because i want to do anything to them or even feel strongly i just check. i can think about one subject for 5 hours i constantly obsess again and again over the one thing that stops it and i feel like my brain just tells me real messages in weird ways. shhh i shouldnt be analysing myself but idk ill watch archer in a bit and obsess and rewatch that it puts my brain somewhere it can be stupid and smart at the same time

"i should slow down here" > "TODAY THE MOBILE SPEED CAMERA WILL BE THERE... HAHAHA I KNEW IT"

"i think i have a problem but idk what it is" > "ants/ghosts/etc" (actually dont know and this is hard as i believe in chaos magic which is so funny to me)

"i think i need those pills to function" > *researches it for hours, replays memories, and doesnt get the message from brain*

"i like this person" > "why do i see all their layers. i need to learn all the little tics, quabbles, and details about this person and check them in some way everyday and lowkey be a hypocrite as a paranoid person"

"this person is sad" > "i see all their layers and oh my god i just predicted when theyd change the channel and i just internally verbalised play by play their unconscious thoughts what the fuck"

*i sctually dont know what it is or idk its. 3 paragraph thing of possibilities, insecurities, and predispostions* > "theyre all watching and conspiring against me and everything is a message to make me feel guilty"

theres this belgian shepard i just realised is like me lol. but another thing im scared of is if i look into peoples layers and tendencies and issues... i get them??? like an absurd example is i thought i had a disease for looking at someones recount of their own health and because i was checking their account and was a bad person it was only fate that somehow i had something bad (it was just dry skin... from the dry climate...) so i feel lile i cant be myself because everything sticks to me so how do i know its me or how do i know im actually copying someone and how do i know if its my brain beinng weird??? i just cant wait to be free so i can be "fun" "quirky". its weird i think i just dont have an ego boundary so i spill into everyone and their mental space but their thoughts feelings and etc can become mine which is lol. like i notice and i feel bad sometimes but tbh i could be doing worse things but someone will be like "i am x" and ill be like "i am also x" and idk if im supposed to say "youre so x" so sorry if i do that im trying not to but idk whats correct though. so if i do that and it makes you upset just tell me cuz idk i love it when i relate to people and they relate to me and i actually love people who know and talk about themselves like memoirs are the best for me lol.

my point is not all of it is ego dystonic but just how i am and idk if u can fix that past meds and certain shit to not piss people off/create trouble and idk im not speaking in absolutes so stop it. because its how i fundamentally react to the world and work and idk its like making an ant do a backflip to walk and that only. but theres some stuff id love to work on and thats the stuff i spend all day arguinfbwith myself until the conclusion is very grim.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[tgirlswagseraphina]

twenty five

The past two years i've done long blog posts for new years, and funnily enough it feels like i've got less to say this time. Thats what i often say before saying a lot, so, lets just see where it takes me.

On new years you can look back or forward. What happened this year? What will i do next year? Ill start with forward. Well I have a new drawing tablet, a new city, a place in university for the next 5 years, crap, that was just, on a small scale, looking back. Cuz you gotta look back to look forward, or rather, look present. What are my circumstances right now and how will i carry them forward? Right now, I've got those things to carry forward. A new place in the world, and an open path towards making art without my hands tied.

I've also got me. The best version of it. The me on 1/1/24 was a fucking shambles, but by god she didnt show it. Actually I think i was alright, the devestation didnt come til like week 2 of janurary. Either way, I've learned a lot in a luckily mostly controlled environment as to not hugely screw me over. This year was the benefits of learning from suffering, with the suffering being held at arm's (or modem's) length. Like setting off grenades on the other side of the room to build slow immunity to shrapnel. Except getting lightly exploded a bunch doesnt actually make you better at not getting hurt by them. Which to me is precisely why this metaphor works.

Anyway, whats fucked about me right now? I'm an addict and a procrastinator, and between the two it makes my life feel like it has 10 functional minutes per waking hour. A problem that I'll have to brute force. Not looking forward to having to get better (havent i done enough of that this year???) but i'm most definitley looking forward to the part at the end where i AM better.

What have I improved, now? My life is less one note, more social, I've refined my pallete of artistic interests, I've opened up more to the idea of Doing Things Right, to the level where I can keep my "unique perspective" or whatver when making stuff, while not being averse to efficiency. The best analogy I have is that I've been working on a comic for the past 4 years (wow 4 years wtf) and this whole time been limiting myself to a colour pallette of about 40. But recently I've dropped this limit cause I'm confident my stuff stands out enough that I don't need to put on arbitrary limitations that screw up my chance to make stuff readable, detailed, or fun as i want, in the name of making a "cool style".

Back on that first bit about being more social, and less one note: I feel like I live in the world now. Thats probably the biggest change for me. I'm not in some narrow slice of other peoples worlds and regress to the cave when I'm off-hours. I exist. Thats brilliant.

I am a human body. Take care of it (said to myself).

I can do whatever. I can take up stitching. I can take up photography. I can buy a hat or a dildo or a sandwich. I can draw a fucking red circle round my guitar. I am a human body. And you're all just livin' in it.

Last year I wrote a bunch of dates and how long its been since movies n games came out, which is like, one way to think about new years. 2023 is thirty years after mega man x? But I was reminded of how I spent a lot of new years evening categorising family and friend birth dates, their respective doctor who era, and what the latest episode at the time was (i was born three days after david tennant's 'doomsday' for those interested). It made me think: man. this autism brained media consumption and categorisation is easy to shun. But as long as I do it in conjuction with Humaning and Being Alive, its what I should do. Its what my mind likes and my soul calls to. Sometimes i just wanna watch telly, read wikis, and write brain-spreadsheets about it. It can be analytical and avoiding artistic engagement but screw that. I can artistically engage. I do it all the fucking time. Let my brain make a graph of release dates. Its who I am. That was a fun non sequiter tangent. But if you're me (which I am) you'll know it was pretty important to the whole thing.

Also i found out i was a system this year thats sure somethin huh.

All in all i feel really good about this year's blogpost. Now, I'll read the others, reminisse, look forward, then sleep. And leave the reading of this to all of you. Nighty night fellas, ladies, and the ppl who dont giv a fuck. Peace out.

o-<)/

<3