#my brain hurts enough already

[waltzing-rats]

Man this was supposed to be a doodle sheet. These were meant to stay as sketches. When and how did i decide to render these. Why is he the only thing i draw these days

[pinnithin]

enver gortash fascinates me from the perspective of his relationship with the dark urge because like, as far as i know his alliance with them is one of the very few he didn’t actively despise. the guy was sold into slavery by his own parents (who tried to justify it by saying their child was a hateful monster and anyone would have done the same) and spent his formative years employed by a devil who gets off on gratuitous levels of suffering and manipulation. and then once he's escaped that and built himself up so he can never be used and enslaved again he meets this bhaalspawn who also had to adapt and survive a violent and manipulative environment for years by becoming the monsters who raised them.

gortash sees how the dark urge has risen to command armies and slaughter hundreds in the same way he outfoxed raphael and ruthlessly controls the people in his employ, and after earning and owning his reputation as a tyrant heres another person who might actually have like, a shared lived experience. not exactly a friend, because people like them can't afford to have friends, but someone who at least understands. and he willingly works with them on this plan to enslave the sword coast and agrees to share power with them.

and then orin lobotomizes them, puts a tadpole in their head, and leaves them for dead at moonrise.

like, can you imagine. youre working with the first person you see eye to eye with and prooooobably arent plotting to actively sabotage (or, at least would hesitate to do so) and the rug just gets yanked out from under them by their own sister, and now you're stuck with her because the plan still has to move along. and as the days go by a group of adventurers start to screw up your plot right when baldur's gate is within your grasp, and you learn that among them is your old almost-friend who you actually liked and respected - and they have no memory of you whatsoever. oh, and on top of that they're rolling with people you've actively fucked over and want to kick your ass.

did it hurt for him to learn this? did he ever think about how things could have been different? did he think, you were supposed to be my ally, my friend, someone who actually understands that becoming a monster is the only way to keep yourself safe and in control. we were going to rule together. and now you're ride or die with this squad of people you've only known for a few weeks at best, and you want me dead. you don't even remember me. you don't even remember yourself.

[triglycercule]

dust should have one of those mini zen gardens with all the sand and the little rake you use to make patterns but instead of sand its monster dust. specifically dust of people he doesnt like. how calming and tranquil this is as he puts a mini bridge and rocks and tiny tree into the garden filled with what's basically the human equivalent of blood!

[a-s-levynn]

Just so you know, if i disappear i either jumped off the roof or finally snapped and murdered my upper floor neighbours.

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

[consumer-of-moss]

I miss my wife he’s so gorgeousb.,,,,

Anyway, here’s Venbot

Remember to click on the picture because Tumblr loves to eat the quality

[loverlylight]

Bad news: I can tell my default state is shifting into Bad as a baseline instead of visiting it every so often.

Good news: at least I'm aware of it?

Bad news: do not know what to do with said awareness

[numbaoneflaya]

@summer-solemnly-swears sometimes yeah :/ I’ll imagine or write cute little scenes and shit but eventually again I’m like hmm.. well what if she was going through the horrors again . Anime monologue in the tags as usual

[tamagotchikgs]

i wish i wasnt sensitive 2 the point of physical pain to the tiniest crumb of rejection

[ribbonpinky-art]

filled with poison

[dogearedheart]

8i've been thinking about the last asks i got today. and i think it's better for me to take a step back from this account. i know the anon didn't mean anything by it, but i still feel like i am being a negative presence on here and weirding people out with who i am is nothing i want. so, i am not deleting or anything. i am just gonna be less present with sharing personal things or leaving tags. I'll probably be more active on my second account where i don't have that many followers :)

[orcelito]

Got therapy in half an hour and I'm nervous that it might overlap with the apartment inspection today (which they only told me about yesterday). I did message to request it not happen during that hour, but I haven't received a reply so who knows.

Feeling... not the best. A brain squeeze. Primarily because of the inspection, I think. It wasn't a stressor I was anticipating having, and it made me get not enough sleep (for the third night in a row). I won't be able to nap until the inspection is done, which might be as late as 4 hours from now. So I'm not happy about that.

Got some cleaning done, though. I'm not really supposed to have posters up, but I'm hoping they don't actually care. Worst case scenario, they give me a fine and tell me to take them down. It's in the lease as something not to do, but I'm hoping that it'd just end up being me paying for any damages that there might be.

Also, my wrist hurts. And my head hurts. Which isn't really helping my mood.

[the-kipsabian]

i had a dream last night that someone went through all my ao3 fics and left mean comments on every single one saying how much my ships suck, how bad i am at writing characters, told me that im an awful writer, and i should maybe kill myself so. thats where my brain is at today in case you were wondering

[designernishiki]

GOD I wish we had like. Any canon content of Nishiki bearing witness to Kiryu and Majima's whole Thing

Like, in yakuza 1 it seemed like Majima knew Kiryu before he went to prison, and not just cause he learned his name in yakuza 0. They seemed to have had a rapport and Majima knew that Kiryu was "rusty" from his time in jail. So they clearly were doing their psychosexual fight shenanigans back in the 90s. And Nishiki HAD to have witnessed or at least known about it

No this doesn't keep me up at night I'm normal

SO true bestie I CONSTANTLY wonder what the hell was going on in that 89-95’ window with them,,, and the completely unexplored dynamic with nishiki as part of that especially– I mean, nishiki’s the one who initially says he’s gonna make it his duty to welcome kiryu back from prison with open arms and all that, and when that falls through majima swoops in without anyone asking (quite the opposite- he definitely isn’t supposed to be welcoming back The Guy Convicted Of Killing Dojima) and becomes somewhat of a replacement pillar in kiryu’s life where nishiki used to be. which is a pretty huge hole to fill. and suggests their relationship had to have not totally come out of nowhere.

it makes me seriously wonder like. what kind of relationship did majima have with kiryu prior to prison in which majima could become so attached to him that he goes out of his way to help or save him whenever possible? or did it become that way more delayed, ramping up the moment nishiki was out of the picture so to speak? like you said, they were already seemingly pretty well acquainted before shit went down, but with nishiki still around… hm. it’s an important factor to consider for sure.

my thought is that nishiki would’ve been protective over kiryu and would try, to the best of his ability, to keep him at a distance from The Mad Dog of Shimano (understandable, honestly), half out of genuine concern and half out of the fear of someone attempting to lure kiryu away from him and leave him alone and, by consequentially, worthless– considering he’s a very insecure guy and he and kiryu were quite codependent at the time. and knowing majima, he likely would’ve gotten the message loud and clear and perhaps kept his distance emotionally speaking (to the best of his ability, but let’s be real i think majima caught feelings for kiryu pretty early and wouldn’t be able to TOTALLY stop them from manifesting in one way or another), but I don’t doubt kiryu still ended up in various ordeals and play-fights with him– maybe even a bit more than that. I can see majima getting a kick out of annoying nishiki and by no means would majima be intimidated by him whatsoever (he can’t beat the shit out of nishiki and nishiki knows that from experience)– but majima’s, secretly, a very selfless, oddly self-disciplined person and I doubt he’d purposefully take his teasing too far. in fact, I think he’d try pretty actively to avoid approaching kiryu if nishiki’s around, knowing nishiki’s not a fan of him, not wanting to create any distance between the two, and not wanting to inject himself too deep into kiryu’s life to turn back when he needs to.

I feel like nishiki wouldn’t genuinely feel threatened by majima’s mad dog reputation; he’d feel threatened by whatever enigmatic thing majima is beneath the mad dog persona. whatever he is that allowed him to run the most prestigious cabaret in sotembori (and probably one of the best in all of Japan) and get it to such a status in only two years, all while only 22-24 years old, and all while recovering from an entire year in the hole (which, as we know, nishiki has been informed about the horrors of). so, while he’d be insecure and concerned about kiryu getting drawn away from him by someone more competent than himself, he’d also be distrusting due to the lingering feeling that whatever majima’s interests were with kiryu, they’d have an ulterior motive or two that could get kiryu hurt or worse. majima was shimano’s dog at the time, after all– who knows what he could’ve been ordered to do with kiryu in the long run? what kind of guy would voluntarily pledge his allegiance to shimano after being tortured by him for so long? you get the picture.

side note: interesting to consider that he would’ve been right to be threatened by majima’s competence to some degree, considering majima’s the one who jumps in to fill the gap nishiki leaves in kiryu’s life after he’s released, AND he ends up taking nishiki’s place as top earner in the tojo clan only a year after his downfall. where he’d be wrong is that any of that was malicious.

[cleocatrablossy]

Why must my sickness not also zap my energy?

[knightoflove]

Do you ever have someone say something to/about you and go ‘yeah this is gonna stick around for a while’