#and my headache is bc of the tension and the lack of sleep but my wrist really has no business hurting rn

[orcelito]

Got therapy in half an hour and I'm nervous that it might overlap with the apartment inspection today (which they only told me about yesterday). I did message to request it not happen during that hour, but I haven't received a reply so who knows.

Feeling... not the best. A brain squeeze. Primarily because of the inspection, I think. It wasn't a stressor I was anticipating having, and it made me get not enough sleep (for the third night in a row). I won't be able to nap until the inspection is done, which might be as late as 4 hours from now. So I'm not happy about that.

Got some cleaning done, though. I'm not really supposed to have posters up, but I'm hoping they don't actually care. Worst case scenario, they give me a fine and tell me to take them down. It's in the lease as something not to do, but I'm hoping that it'd just end up being me paying for any damages that there might be.

Also, my wrist hurts. And my head hurts. Which isn't really helping my mood.

[strongheartneteyam]

[ credits of the Neteyam pic go to cinetrix ]

Champagne Problems.

Pairing: Neteyam Sully x female!human!reader

CW: angsty, reader feeling her heart hurt, adeline being funny and shipping reader and neteyam, symptoms of PTSD (like a nightmare), sexual tension, confessions of love, angry neteyam, confused neteyam, yearning, crying, fluff, sexual content, neteyam loving reader's breasts, neteyam using his fangs on reader's body, p in v, territorial neteyam, needy and clingy neteyam, slight breeding kink, creampie

I almost cried writing this chapter and istg my pussy clenched hard while I was writing the smut part so… have a good read, I guess lol ps: I know I said I was gonna have a break from uploading my long fics (and I am!) but there was an itch in my hand to finish this story and I gave in and scratched it lol I kinda knew I eventually would. But I'm only gonna update the other fics next year. This one was an exception bc there was only one chapter left (this one lol)

Not proofread. I woke up in the middle of the night to write this, it's already morning outside and I'm sleepy and sick :(

Part 7: All I want is you

𓇼

It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you

You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

And I just wanted you to know that this is me trying

this is me trying (Taylor Swift)

𓇼

In the morning, you woke up and realized you were no longer sitting on the floor, resting your back against the wall of Kiri's marui, but rather laying in your mat. You had a sharp headache but you didn't really know why. Maybe lack of enough sleep, maybe tension… Your eyes searched around for Neteyam but he was no longer there. You knew instantly that Neteyam had been the one to carry you to your mat. He was the only one awake other than you when you two were talking while it was eclipse and you knew it wasn't his nature to leave a girl sleeping while sitting down on the floor in a weird position and go home. No, he was too much of a gentleman for that.

The realization that you were about to go back to the lab in a few days and leave Neteyam behind again hit you like a train. The thought of being without him and having no guarantee that he wasn't gonna find a mate while you were gone and when you'd come back and see him again, he'd be happy with a beautiful na'vi girl by his side - perhaps even carrying his baby in her womb - broke you in a billion little pieces.

Your heart started to beat fast in your chest, like it was gonna escape from inside your body and come out through your throat. But there was also a big lump in your throat. Anxiety stinged your whole body like sharp, thin needles. 

You didn't want to lose Neteyam. Just imagining having to stare at a wall in your room at night, to see his sweet face in the crushing darkness and feel the tears rolling down your face, reminding you that you would never be able to hold him again, to feel his huge but gentle hands on your skin, to smell his comforting scent… and worse: to know he would be in some other girl's arms every night, letting her kiss him, having… God, having sex with her…

No. You couldn't let him go. It would rip your heart apart.

And if Neteyam didn't go for Munì like you thought he did, that meant that he didn't stop loving you… right? That's what you were desperately hoping for. You were almost sure you had seen him get slightly happy when you acted like an idiot and let him see how jealous you were of Munì last night. Maybe that meant he still felt something for you.

If you were right about Neteyam's feelings, you didn't quite know why he loved the mess of a girl that you were but… somehow he did, and he was sad because of you, because you refused to be his mate when that's all you truly wanted, in the first place. You had let fear hold you back once again. But not this time. You had to be brave. You had to at least try.

Putting the sheet that was once over you to the side, you uncovered your body and, in a rapid motion, you got up from your mat and got to your feet, feeling the slight coldness on the floor of the marui. Your feet walked slowly but surely among your two best human friends, trying hard not to step on or kick one of the girls as they were sleeping right next to your mat. 

You got startled by Adeline's voice echoing in the morning air as she whispered energetically to you.

"(y/n), where are you going?" Her voice was hoarse and slightly funny, because of slumber.

"I thought you were sleeping!" You whispered back as you looked at her sleepy and moody face while she laid down in her mat

"I was but I felt the need to pee and woke up. Answer my question, please!" She demanded

Your heart started beating fast and you spoke "I'm gonna try and make things right with Neteyam."

"Thank God." She dramatically grunted "I knew you liked him all along, I just wouldn't try and force you to mate with the guy, of course. But damn, I've known you since we were kids and I know when you're in love. I wanted to slap you when I saw you looking gloomy and I would ask you what was wrong and you would say that it was nothing but I just knew you were missing him and regretting refusing to be his mate. And Neteyam brought you back to your mat in his freaking arms! You can't let the guy go, you idiot! He loves you! Can't you see it? You both love each other! What was stopping you before from saying “Hey, I know I'm a bit crazy but I wanna be your mate!”?” She sighed, like she was tired of that whole situation

“How do you know Neteyam carried me back to my mat?” Surprise was all over your face

“I woke up at eclipse with your chatter, mamas.” She said nonchalantly 

“Oh…” You awkwardly spoke “So, you heard everything?” You cringed

“I heard a lot of it. Enough to know Neteyam is worth it. Now do what you gotta do. I gotta go relieve myself.” She demanded like a mother would

Your laughter echoed around. Adeline didn't realize how funny she was. You loved her. So, so much. That bitch was everything to you.

In only seconds you found yourself rushing out of the marui's door and your feet walking quickly through the warm Metkayina sand.

After a good while looking around and only seeing turquoise skinned tall Metkayina people, you finally found Neteyam. The sight of his broad, striped back did things to you. It made you remember how insanely good it felt when he was inside of you that rainy night on his hammock.

"Neteyam!" You yelled, sounding way more desperate than you had wanted to, and Neteyam rapidly turned around looked at you, his face covered with surprise

"I'm sorry! I do wanna be with you!" You spoke, breath a bit labored as you felt nervous and insecure about his reaction. The next thing you saw, you were breaking down in tears. 

"Why did you refuse me, then?" Neteyam asked,  slightly angry and utterly confused 

He did not understand why you had put you both through all that pain if you did love him too.

"I guess I was just afraid of finally having something beautiful in my life again, to feel safe again and then lose it. I couldn't bear to lose you. The truth is, I've had a crush on you since we first met too and I think I started to have deeper feelings for you at the party. Maybe we fell for each other at the same time" you chuckled wearily between tears, thinking that if it truly happened, it was beautiful and seemed like something out of a romantic movie

“Were you afraid that I was gonna leave you?” Neteyam asked, furrowing his hairless eyebrows 

“Yes…” You shamefully confirmed.

It seemed like you only ever thought the worst of Neteyam, even though he was known to be a good man and only proved you again and again how much he cared about you.

"Why would I ever leave you if I love you? It's as simple as that, tawtute." Neteyam stated

An amazed smile was born amidst your tears and your heart sped up as your brain processed those words.

"Are you saying you… love me?" It still seemed too good to be true.

"I'm saying I love you more than you will ever know, syulang." Neteyam walked closer to you and tried to touch your hand

You backed away slightly and he felt frustrated. Even as you declared your love for him you were still so guarded. Neteyam let out an impatient breath out of his feline nostrils.

“Tawtute, please, be my mate.” He asked you once again, his heart open to you once again.

“But what about tsaheylu? You can’t make it with me! What if you one day realize you regret missing out on this experience? It’s such an important thing to your people…” You let out a choked sob as you pronounced those words that felt like a stab in the heart

“Not again with the excuses…” Neteyam thought

“Listen” Neteyam asked for your attention “I do not care if you don’t have tendrils and we can’t make tsaheylu. What’s even the point of tsaheylu if I can’t make it with the girl I love? Tsaheylu is about sharing your affection, your devotion, your need with your mate and I don’t need or want anyone else but you, tawtute.”

You kept sobbing and just couldn't seem to stop.

Neteyam grabbed you and held you inside his strong, long arms, one of his hands on the back of your head, pressing it against his body and the other on your shoulder. His warm embrace felt reassuring.

"It's okay, oeyä tawtute. You are safe with me."

After a while holding you like that, he gently pushed you away from him and held your chin up so you could look at his face.

"I won't ever leave you. I promise you, with the Great Mother as my witness, I will never ever let you go. I'm yours forever. I have been yours for so long…" He gave you a calm smile and wiped your tears away

Your gleaming eyes gazed up at his face. He was so beautiful, his dark blue stripes forming intricate pattern on his forehead, a pattern unique to his body. His bioluminescent freckles adorned his big face and shone slightly even in the light of day. You were so damn lucky to have such a beautiful man be so deeply in love with you.

“So, what's it gonna be?” Neteyam's big thumb caressed your reddened face as his lips were curled in a gentle smile, showing no teeth “Can I finally get an “yes” from your beautiful lips?”

You chuckled and smiled big.

“Yes.” Neteyam's heart swelled with affection and relief “Yes, I'm gonna be your mate, Neteyam.”

“Nga yawne lu oer, oeyä tawtute.” (I love you, my human) Neteyam grabbed your face that was tiny inside his two big hands and kissed you eagerly, his lips pressing against yours like he had been needing that for so long.

Neteyam had been dreaming awake every night about how it would feel if he ever got to kiss your small mouth again. His tongue touched the slit of your mouth, deliciously warm and wet and you parted your lips so he could explore the insides of your mouth. Neteyam's large tongue licked your tongue and you moaned in delight at the sensation. You had missed his kisses so damn much… Neteyam tasted your mouth like you were the sweetest berry juice in the whole Universe.

“I missed your lips and your tongue, syulang. I was craving you.”  Neteyam said and softly placed a last peck in your lips 

“I missed you too. A lot.” You smiled at him, still tasting him on your tongue "I love you too." Neteyam smiled at you when hearing those words he was dying to hear for so long.

“Come, have lunch with me, oeyä hì'i muntxate.” (my small mate)

You agreed and Neteyam took your hand inside his much bigger one, taking you to the place where the na'vi were handling food to each other.

Many curious blue eyes looked at the both of you as Neteyam possessively held you by your waist and talked to you gently.

“I'm gonna get some fish and herbs for us, okay?” He smiled happily at you, like he either didn't notice or didn't care about how all the Metkayina at that part of the reef seemed to be watching yours and Neteyam's every move.

Quickly he grabbed the fish and took you to some rocks away from everyone else, what made you let out a relieved silent breath.

You two ate your fish, that had been prepared on a bonfire - it tasted delicious, by the way. Slightly spicy but also with fresh notes of something that reminded you of peppermint. Alien food was better than you had ever anticipated while you prepared on Earth to travel to Pandora.

"By the way, I'm sorry about your arm. I bet it hurt a lot…" You brought it up, after swallowing a mouthful of fish

"Not that much. I'm strong." He played around but Neteyam truly wanted you to see him as a strong na'vi male. He knew it was boyish but he did it anyway.

He won a quick joyful chuckle from you.

"I was gonna tell you that yesterday but I guess I got too nervous and then too emotional and I ended up forgetting to. I'm sorry, I think I tend to seem self-centered sometimes…" You spoke

"Don't worry about it. You do seem aloof and a little self-centered" You scoffed in a joking manner at his bluntness but you actually said “Ouch!” on the inside.

Damn, Neteyam truly knew how to humble someone...

“But I know that's not who you really are. People just have to take enough time to get to know you and they'll see what I see." 

"And what do you see?" Your eyes shone with wonder and your voice was playful 

"I see a smart, strong, sensitive and amazingly beautiful girl."

Your cheeks turned red. You weren't expecting so much praise.

“Ok, stop… I'm not all that.” You awkwardly stated, avoiding his gaze

“Of course you are. I don't know why you can't see it, tawtute.”

Maybe because you hadn't heard that a lot throughout your life…

To be fair, you had been called beautiful and smart many times but not the other two. Kate and Adeline would tell you that you were strong when you needed to hear it but you always wondered if they perhaps just said that because they were your closest, best friends and they only wanted to make you feel better.

𓇼

After lunch, Neteyam sneaked out with you and took you to a private place on the beach where his hammock was hanging, somewhere more secluded, where the both of you could be alone. You knew just what he wanted and you could not lie and say that you were not craving the exact same thing.

Neteyam took you in his arms, winning a squeaky laugh from you as he lift you off your feet. 

Neteyam sat you on his big hammock, your legs hanging in the air and not touching the clear sand. He knelt in front of you and before you knew it, he was kissing you. Neteyam eagerly took your lower lip between his soft, full lips, suckling on it ever so slightly and then pressing his mouth against yours. Neteyam's huge blue hands cupped both your breasts over your white cropped top and you whimpered in pleasure.

"Oeyä tawtute…" he cried out "Let me see these titties" his mouth hanged slightly open with anticipation and desire

Once you let him take your bra off, Neteyam groaned in an animalistic, primal way.

"These perfect soft titties are mine now, oeyä muntxate. Only mine."

"Yours, Neteyam." You breathed, so taken by him and the moment. Your panties were slick with your juices, so much he turned you on.

Neteyam laid you down gently but eagerly on his hammock. He wasted no time and quickly brought his lips to your breasts. He had been dreaming of that ever since the first time he saw your breasts jiggle under your shirt when you were walking fast, troubled with your scientist work. Your boobs were just so different from the na'vi females ones and it made Neteyam daydream about how it would feel to have your small buds inside his mouth.

Neteyam sucked on your nipples like he was hungry and desperate to taste your skin. He licked your sensitive buds swiftly, leaving them hard and wet with his saliva. All you could do was look down at his mesmerizing blue face, staring at his bioluminescent little freckles and moan loud. You started to worry if people could hear but you decided it was not important if they did or not and you just did not care. That intimate, raw moment you were having with your Neteyam was much more important than anything else in the Universe.

He started using his fangs to tease your breasts slowly and you whimpered at the sting but also enjoyed the bittersweet pleasure it gave you. 

“If you want me to stop, just say it, oeyä tawtute.”

“No. Keep doing it, please” You asked

Neteyam bit your right breast harder this time and you moaned loud again. The acute feeling of his sharp fangs harassing your sensitive skin made you feel an incredible sensation that lied somewhere between discomfort and delight but that ended up just being incredibly addictive. Your folds were even more soaked by now.

“Neteyam, please, fuck me, baby” you begged “I need you.”

“Fuck, muntxate, you're so needy for me. It's so hot, yawne…” Neteyam's heavy breath collided with your skin, sending shivers all over your body

Neteyam undressed you quickly and took his loincloth off just as rapidly, his cock hard and proud, slightly curved to the side.

Neteyam took his cock in his hand and rubbed his swollen tip on your glistening clit, making your body tremble.

“Neteyam… please.” You protested

“Say you want it.” He looked into your eyes, his big golden irises shining with the sight of you in front of him, his mouth in a teasing smirk. His accent drove you insane.

“Please, fuck me…” Your face showed him how desperate you were to feel him

“Do you want me to fill you up with my cock, tawtute?” He dig for more

“Yes, Neteyam, I need your big cock inside of my pussy, please, please…” It's like you couldn't take it anymore. Your cunt felt so empty without him.

After hearing those enticing words, Neteyam swiftly placed his large blue cock at your soaked entrance and pushed it all in at once, making you moan loudly in sheer, raw pleasure. 

"Eywa, how I missed this pussy! Your ekxìn pussy feels so fucking good, my little tanhì." (star) Neteyam murmured as he thrusted hungrily into you, his big, girthy cock stretching your insides and filling you up completely.

Neteyam's feelings for you were just so strong that he felt like no words would ever be enough to express his emotions so, he was trying to show you how he felt about you by loving your body instead, pouring out all his yearning for you through his kisses, his desperate caresses, his thrusts…

"Tawtute" Neteyam cried out as he thrusted roughly into you "Oeyä muntxate." (my mate) "Mine. All mine, yawntu…" (loved one) He whimpered in your ear, melancholic and driven wild by his desire and ardent affection for you "Nga yawne lu oer." (I love you) "So, so much."

Neteyam's breath was heavy and irregular as he pounded himself into you as hard as he could. He needed you so much, he felt like he would die if he could not have all of you, if he could not claim you once and for all. It was so good that he didn't last long and came inside of you, his thick warm seed shooting strongly towards your womb. He hoped to breed you but he didn't know you were taking birth control pills. Neteyam's load of cum was so big that it leaked out of your cunt even as he was still inside of you. That was so dirty and sexy that your pussy clenched around his cock as you felt his warm liquid leaking out of your stretched entrance.

After cuddling for a while, when you were looking to find your bra that Neteyam had thrown somewhere in the sand, he looked at your breasts, the two of them full of his bite marks and a big beautiful smile adorned his full lips, followed by a joyful chuckle.

“I marked you well, syulang. Now everybody can see that you're mine. Oeyä muntxate. Mine forever.” He leaned in for a kiss, pressing his soft lips on yours, so needy. Neteyam tasted so sweet but so unique at the same time. He tasted like himself. Nothing else could compare.

You chuckled. “You're so pervy.”

“But you love it.” He smiled at you, his sharp fangs more charming than ever

“Hey! Just because I'm your mate now it doesn't mean you get to be all cocky again.” You teased, pretending to be angry, as you pushed his arm away with your hand

Neteyam only smiled wider. He was over the moon that you were now finally his. All his. Until the end of time.

Neteyam yawned, body still in full bliss because of the powerful orgasm you had given him.

“I'm sleepy, oeyä tawtute. Take a nap with me.” He was already grabbing you in his big striped arms and laying you back on the hammock with him.

“You're not giving me a choice, anyway.” You chuckled and yawned too.

Soon your tired eyes fell shut, as you felt his warm breath on your skin.

𓇼

In the middle of the afternoon, you woke up crying, desperately breathing gasping for air. Neteyam woke up startled with your panicking state. Another nightmare... One of those that left your heart aching and your mind confused for long after you woke up, wondering if it had been reality or not.

“What's wrong, yawntu?” (loved one) 

When you realized Neteyam was by your side, still holding you against his warm body, you felt relieved but only seemed to cry more. You buried your head on his soft chest and he just let you cry there, petting your head softly with his hand, his slender fingers running through your locks of hair every now and then, trying to comfort you.

Eventually you stopped crying, sniffing one last time. You placed a kiss on Neteyam's chest, your lips lingering on his skin for longer than they normally would, as if to try and make sure that he was really there with you, that he was real and was not going away.

“Wanna tell me what happened now, oeyä muntxate?” (my mate)

You looked up at his face, eyes reddish.

“I had a terrible nightmare…” just the reminder made your heart ache again “I dreamt you left me. You got tired of me and found a better mate.”

“Tawtute… that's never gonna happen.”

“You promise?” You needed to hear him promise…

“I promise.” He tried to kiss you but you backed away a bit 

“What if your parents don't approve of us? Will you leave me then?” You hated how clingy and annoying you were sounding 

Neteyam started thinking that he would have to have an endless amount of patience with you. Your fear controlled you way too often. He would have to teach you how to be a little more free. But he would do it gladly.

"Listen, yawntutsyìp" (little loved one) Neteyam held your small face inside of both his huge blue hands "We will fight whatever we have to, whatever comes our way, and we will stay together forever, okay? I'm not letting anything separate me from you. Nothing, you hear me? Nothing." He promised you.

You breathed in and decided you had to try and believe him, otherwise you would end up sabotaging your relationship with Neteyam, you would end up contributing to what you feared the most: him leaving you. What you did not know was that there was actually nothing you could do to drive Neteyam away. He had been chasing you for way too long, he had fought for you like he had fought in the war against the Sky People. Neteyam was too much of a good warrior and too proud to let you go after all that. And damn, he could not imagine a life without you. Not a life where he would be happy and fulfilled, at least. He needed you to see the morning air as fresh, to hear the song of the birds as lively, to see the light of the stars as a guide.

“Okay. I trust you, Neteyam.” You stated, utterly sure of your words this time.

𓇼

♡ Epilogue ♡

You felt safe for the first time in so long while Neteyam held you inside his big arms, his body heat spreading all over you. It felt so cozy and just so… right. Like you had finally found what you needed, what you were unconsciously looking for all along.

Safety, trust, shelter… love.

Funny how sometimes when we need love the most is when we push it away the most, hurt the people who are trying to give it to us the most because we're so terrified to get hurt again, to finally trust and be let down again that we would rather keep drowning in our pain and in our loneliness. Pain can feel comfortable, as crazy as it sounds.

Turn a curse into a kiss

You could have never seen it coming, you could have never imagined back on your Earth days that your safe place to fall would be in the arms of an alien in an exoplanet, outside of your home solar system. What a weird happy ending. But it doesn't matter. There's still much more to come. This isn't the end, it's just the beginning.

𓇼

Change the meaning of your world

Love makes no sense, love has no name

Love drowns you in tears and it sets your heart on fire

Love has no fear, love has no reason

So infinitely vast and we're standing at the edge

Take my hand, erase the past forever

Love Exists (Amy Lee)

𓇼

This is the end, guys 🥲🤍 Feels so good to give Teyam and Reader a beautiful happy ending. Thank you all so much for reading my story 💕

•

Taglist:

@iman-lu

@leaveitbythewave

@creepytoes88

@live-laugh-neteyam

@swaggygurlbae

@neteluvr

@layla2-49

@a-blog-name-2003

@lala-1516

@jakesullyfatjuicypeen

@yeosxxx

@iaratezaewa

@somekindofastupidjoke

@fadedpetal

[aewrie]

'once a week or more' well rip

my default state of being when i'm not having a bad day is a little tired & nursing a budding headache. i have a headache right now that i'm ignoring

is this going to be another of those 'there is no such thing as a 'mild' concussion, if you hit your head bad enough to black out it is a concussion' lmao???

i get headaches from fucking everything. weather/air pressure (low and high). low/high blood sugar or too rapid changes there. too bright/dim light (at home i am specific about my lights/curtains at different points of the day/depending on how bright it's outside to avoid these). rapid repetitive/jarring physical motions (just jumping a little can be enough/make it worse). muscle tension. doing stretching/exercise that gets blood really flowing. lack of and/or bad sleep, or too much sleep. getting (strongly) emotional. caffeine (a new exiting one! only started regularly drinking coffee fairly recently. how much caffeine is too much is a fucking mystery though). i should wear glasses (myopia, not too severe) but i avoid it unless i need to see that far that well in part bc the glasses pressing on my temples give me headaches more easily than my eyes being slightly tired does.

i'm probably forgetting a bunch more

but every time i've seen people describe migraines i've thought well mine aren't anywhere near that severe/those specific kinds of headaches so No Way it's that

but. i do have other symptoms on that list? i just never thought it might be related to my headaches bc i'd not seen those mentioned, at least not in a way that i could identify as something i should consider in connection to this, and there's always the huge stress that migraines are always extra super bad to the point that a Real migraine completely disables you for a while. while to me it's. it's annoying, it hurts, if it's particularly bad it can make things more difficult but not impossible/near impossible; just, a general It's Not That Bad, therefore normal and i should just deal with it

[dragoninahumancostume]

Woke up with a tension headache and I'm not sure which one is the reason this time, bc some things that according to Google cause it are

Depression

Stress

Missing meals

Poor posture

Insomnia/Lack of sleep

Dehydration

Also my rubber bands (that I use all night) cause pain on my jaws which I've heard can cause headaches

Like. All of those. I do all of those. Missing meals occurs rarely tho, but I sometimes go out for the afternoon and my schedule gets messed up so I have like a melted cheese sandwich for dinner. I wouldn't say I'm dehydrated but honestly I drink like 2 glasses of water/soda in a normal day + the milk for breakfast

[corpsedaydream]

Hi I’m about to go to sleep and I was just imagining going to bed and then waking up in the middle of the night bc corpse is finally coming to bed too and then you cuddle up to him and he says something that you don’t really hear bc you’re sleepy but you feel the rumble of his chest and it just makes you smile and feel all comfy and you sleep so ✨ good ✨ after that. Anyway felt the need to share that with you bc I wish I had that in my life hahaha. I hope you’re having a good day 🖤

i know ur probably just waking up bc i’m about to finally fall asleep but anyway here u go

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE AND PLS ENJOY

_______________________________

stress and refresh

being a uni student had given you many life skills. but one you didn’t intend to pick up was becoming the type of person who would act the same no matter how many hours of sleep you’d gotten. you on two hours? same as you with eleven hours. and any amount in between.

there was a few exceptions to the skill. for example, if it was a busy time for assessments and you’d had a fair few nights of very little sleep all in a row, you’d need to catch up on all those missed hours, eventually. and usually that happened on the fourth or fifth night.

and when the day came this time around, you’d submitted yet another assignment and didn’t have any due for a few weeks so you were going to celebrate. by crashing hard and treating yourself to that deep sleep your body and mind so desperately craved.

but corpse had started to really worry about you two days ago.

-

“you’ve barely eaten anything.” him expressing concern had lead to the both of you firing quick, frustrated words to each other.

“i’ll eat when i’m done. i’m not hungry right now.” and you weren’t, it was a bad habit, but when you found yourself under an extreme amount of stress or pressure, you didn’t eat as you normally did.

“you’ve been doing those assignments for days.”

“i have a lot due right now, i've told you this already.”

“please, just take a break.” he was pushing you, he was aware of it, but he wanted you to take even just ten minutes to relax. 

“i can’t.” 

“you can, let’s go get dinner.”

“i’m telling you, i really can’t.”

“(y/n)-”

“fucking hell, corpse, i told you i fucking can’t!” you snapped at him and for what felt like first time, you looked up from your laptop screen and to your boyfriend.

both of you displayed frowns on your faces, challenging each other to say something else. and corpse made a judgement call then. he knew if he stayed there and argued with you, you’d fight back with just as much fire as he would. but he also knew you had enough on your mind, so he left it. but he definitely slammed the door of his computer room on purpose, to which you’d pick up a pen and peg it at the closed door.

-

he didn’t really say anything else over the next couple of days. but his worrying over you was digging at him more and more. you’d still barely eaten anything, in fact, the only things he’d seen you consume was painkillers to mask the headache he knew you must’ve felt from staring at your laptop screen for days on end and a carrot at 3am when he’d come to get a drink of water. the bags under your eyes had become so prominent from the lack of sleep. and you’d been crashing out on the couch for the one or two hours you did manage to fall asleep. 

so when he found you on that fifth night, sound asleep in bed after his shower, a weight lifted from his chest. corpse would release a very deep sigh, feeling the worry and tension leaving him. how pleased he was to see you looking so peaceful. he took the few steps to reach the bed and sat down, taking a moment to look over your features.

his finger first brushed some of your hair behind your ear so he could get a better look at you. your hair was no longer tied back in the bun you’d had in this past week to keep it from annoying you as you typed. next he trailed his touch down your forehead and between your relaxed eyebrows. happy that no longer were they were furrowed in a mix of concentration and stress. and following down the bridge of your nose, his finger reached your mouth and ever so gently ran around your slightly parted lips where a slow, deep breath was being released from. he was glad your jaw was no longer clenched with frustration at your uni work. but your lips were chapped, you had a habit of chewing on them too much when you felt stressed and it seemed you’d really done a number on them after this hell week you’d had. he made a mental note to pick up a new chapstick for you whenever he got make up wipes again.

overall, he was so content with seeing you so peaceful. you looked so soft, so at ease and it brought him relaxation. he knew you were in such a deep sleep already, but still as he slipped into bed beside you, he tried to be cautious, not wanting to wake you. you were so warm beneath the blanket, he pulled you towards the centre of the bed as he scooted in, wanting to be close to you. you stirred a little then.

“corpse?” you’d mumble, caught in between a dreamland and reality.

“yeah, just me, baby.” he’d answer you, his arms feeling so comforting as they surrounded you.

“‘m really sorry 'bout the other day.” you’d apologise as your head nestled into his chest.

“it’s okay,” and he’d mean it sincerely. giving you a goodnight kiss on your forehead. “go back to sleep, baby.”

but you kind of already had, you hadn’t even really woken up properly because of how exhausted you were. all you knew is you were so happy to be in bed with your lover after such a draining time, knowing this familiar bubble with corpse was going to give you the refresh you needed.

[cloudy-leonhart]

hiii!! i’ve recently found your writing and i am honest to god in love!! i was wondering if you could write a poly!veterans fic where the reader is a titan shifter (the vets don’t know), and during a really rough expedition she has no choice but to transform and help out?

NO BC I LOVE PPL WHO ASK FOR POLY VETS REQUESTS—

I’ll also just add another titan to the nine titans- kinda like annie’s :P

guys don’t be shy to request anything! I’m fine with anything sfw :33!!

———

Save My Home. (Poly!Vets x Reader)

Summary: Reader and the Vets were in a losing situation, if Reader didn’t make a choice, her lovers will perish, she didn’t realize her feelings had made the choice for her

female reader.

Recommended Song: Ballad of Mona Lisa - Panic At The Disco.

Theme: Angst/Fluff?? Canonverse.

TW: Near death experience, injury, swearing, blood(?).

“Captain!” A voice shouted out, you scowled swinging around the tall trees, an expedition had gone so wrong. Bodies pooled the forest floor, you tried your best to get the metallic stench out of your nose, large footsteps followed your every move. “Johann!” You pulled on your trigger, saving your only remaining member of your squad. 

Your fingers clutched tightly against his waist, hoping that you’ll have enough gas to pull yourself and Johann to a safe spot. “Captain, I don’t think we’ll make it.” Johann grimly stated. He was in pain and he could see you were running out of gas to get you back near Commander Erwin’s base. 

“Shut it, Johann! We’ll get there, you hear me!?” You did your best trying to convince Johann and yourself that you will live to be out that forest. Damn it, why did so many titans come out from nowhere? You felt angered and stopped at a high branch.

“Johann, I’ll bring more gas, alright? Try your best to stay alive, that’s an order.” You had placed Johann against the tree, checking your gas canister. He tugged on your uniform, afraid. “I’ll come back, I promise.” You reassured him, tying your jacket around his bleeding leg as a tourniquet. 

You flung around the forest, a determination to find at least some kind of supplies to keep you guys going just until you were out the forest, you had already stolen a gas canister from a dead soldier, your blades were close to blunting. You were on your last string.

It felt like hours you’ve been swinging around, ‘damn it, where are they?’ You swung on one more tree branch, before hearing a yell. 

You used your gear to swing towards the sound, titans were everywhere, reaching and grabbing for you. 

“Reader!” A voice called out, a deserted Hange stood on a tree branch, waving frantically. With them, held an injured Nanaba, and beside them stood Levi, Erwin and Miche, who looked like they were arguing. You landed on a tree branch that was a bit higher than them. 

“What the hell’s going on?!” You exclaimed, making all five of them stop their squirming and their childish screeching. “Reader! Have you seen a cart anywhere?” Erwin yelled up at you, you winced, grappling your hook onto their tree branch and jumping on. 

“There’s no cart anywhere, where I came from. Don’t tell me,” You sighed, “we lost the supply cart?” your lovers looked at each other with a guilty expression, “No worries, we can just-” The tree branch shook. Everyone stopped their movements, checking around, seeing what was happening. 

“Guys, get off the branch! A fifteen meter got on, it’s about to break!” Levi warned and jumped off the branch, hooking himself to the bark of a tree so he could land down on the ground safely. 

“Hange, go! I’ll carry Nanaba.” You ordered, grabbing Nanaba from their arms, Your blonde lover groaned in your arms, clutching her side more tightly.

“It’s okay, Nanaba, I got you.” You comforted her before landing on the ground safely with your other lovers. Miche came towards you, helping you with Nanaba before greeting you with a kiss on the cheek, as a way to say he was glad that you were safe.

“Levi, have you got no blades left?” You asked, staring at his empty blade holster. “Yeah, I spent it on the last few, everybody else is just stuck on gas.” You internally groaned. “Alright how about this-” You could hear a loud roar from the female titan, your eyes widened.

‘Is she calling in more titans?!’ you had thought gripping your gear’s handles tightly, your mind raced on how your lovers were going to survive another wave of titans. 

“Reader? What’s wrong?” Hange asked you, their hand littered on your shoulder, rubbing it in comforting circles as you stay internally panicking at the female titan’s screech. 

“Hange- I need you to take my gas canister and reconnect it to you. It’s got enough for you to grapple on a tree branch and bring the others on there.” Hange stood speechless, what were you thinking of doing?

“Reader, what are you talking about?” Hange asked as you frantically unbuckled your ODM gear, thrusting the canister into their arms. You pulled your hunting knife from out of your boot, holding onto it for dear life. “Reader, you’re not going to survive with just a-” Hange held your hand, stopping you from moving further.

“Hange, just go!” You yelled at them, out of a state of panic. Hange pulled back, a bit shocked on how shaken you are with just hearing a titan’s roar. Levi could overhear the arguing, he looked over to you and Hange who just seemingly nodded and grabbed hold of Levi’s waist. 

An unreadable expression painted Hange’s face, as they flew onto a high enough tree branch. “Hange, what-” Levi started, not even finishing his question as they turned back with Miche and Nanaba. Erwin being the last one on the branch.

“Reader? What about her?” Nanaba’s coarse voice cut through the tension, “She just said to bring you guys up here, not to come back for her.” Hange explained, further tending to Nanaba’s wounds. Levi’s eyes widened, even twitching before grabbing hold of Hange’s cape. 

“You left Reader there to die?” He spat angrily, as Hange grunted pulling against him. “She said to!” Levi shook them by the cape, “And you agreed to it!?” Hange started to fight with Levi, “I didn’t want to, alright?!” Their fight was soon interrupted by a loud thunderclap. 

A yellow bolt of lightning had struck where you once stood, a titan’s shape started to appear from where you were, starting from the nape, and it’s muscles forming lastly from the foot. A loud roar which shook the forest came out from the titan’s mouth.

Your lovers stood on the branch speechless and flabbergasted, their hearts started to beat erratically. Erwin started to speak, “That..That’s not her, right?” Your body was covered with steaming hot muscles, your eyes glanced at the still group on the branch, who stared at you with bewilderment, almost even amazement by Hange.

A screech had erupted from your side, a twenty-meter mindless titan held onto you, gnawing on your skin. Your skin hardened in a matter of seconds, your first turned to crystal, punching through the titan’s neck, cutting the titan’s head clean off.

You were still trying to control your titan and a bad side effect of that, was your lack of capability in controlling your titan, you started to black out, starting to rampage with the titans called in by the female titan, your eyes started to get clouded, more and more titans had toppled over you, starting to consider that you were a threat.

You had fallen to the ground, you turned over to the where your lovers resided, seeing a bunch of soldiers replacing their gas tanks, symbolizing that they were safe and had enough to get out of the situation, you could see a figure approach you as your vision blacked out.

You felt tired, closing your eyes, almost accepting your fate that you might get eaten.

---

Your body twitched, suddenly, you awoke, too fast for your liking, since as soon as your eyes refocused on what you saw, a headache came crashing down on you, a wince had left your lips, as you clutched your hands around your head, feeling a thick layer of gauze. “What..is going on?” You grunted, turning over to the side of the bed, your feet dangled off the medical bed as you pulled away the thin covers.

“Oh jeez, please don’t move, you’re going to further damage or maybe even re-open your wounds,” your nurse called out, urging you to lay back down. “Thank the walls you’re still okay, Captain Reader!” She chirped, helping you drink water, knowing how dry your throat probably was. 

You were about to speak when you saw a group lay on the ground, sleeping. The nurse noticed your gaze on the sleeping group. “They’ve been there since you were admitted a few days ago, except one of course, she lays on the bed beside you, still taking a nap..” She whispered, careful not to wake your lovers who slept like little babies.

You stared in amazement as you even saw Levi leaning against the wall, soft snores leaving his mouth, indicating that he was dead asleep. You looked behind you, Nanaba sleeping in the bed beside yours, so soundlessly. You could feel your lips lift a little, making a little smile appear on your face. 

“I’ll get you some food, alright? I’ll be right back.” The nurse gave you a smile before leaving the room, the door closing alerting Nanaba awake. She woke up, a pained whine leaving her lips as she clutched her side, you laughed silently. 

“Careful, you might re-open your stitches.” You mumbled out, as you watched Nanaba freeze as her face went through five stages of confusion. “wait a min- Holy shit! You’re awake, Reader!” She yelled out, spooking the group. You winced at the loud tone of her voice, as she yelled out a pitchy screech leaving her bed to jump at you.

A yelp left your mouth, as you caught Nanaba’s fast-approaching lunge in your arms, laughing at her. Hange was the second to be up and running. “Reader! You’re awake!” They chirped as they too, joined in on the hug you and Nanaba were sharing. 

“Oi brat, you try and do that shit again, I’ll never forgive you.” Levi’s voice cut through your laughs, you stopped for a second before going back to laughing and whining as Levi ruffled your hair. 

“You never told me you could shift into a titan like the Jaeger kid.” Levi said, as they were all huddled onto your bed. Miche had sat behind you so you could lay on his chest as Nanaba and Hange cuddled each other between your legs, leaving Erwin on a chair at the side of your bed, and Levi sitting at the foot of your bed. 

“Honestly, I didn’t want to.” You confessed, playing with Hange’s hair. “I’m not even supposed to be alive right now,” You mumbled, starting to space out. Levi and Erwin’s eyes widened at your statement, you continued, not giving them a chance to talk. “Well! I’m still here though! So, I’m not done annoying you all just yet!” A laugh left your mouth.

Levi and Erwin looked at each other with a questioning glance. Both of them didn’t bother to ask, setting it aside for later, as they both wanted to spend time with you after you had stayed in bed for more than two days. Both watched you laugh, a question on their minds.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: ableism, repression, meltdowns, abusive parents, ableist parents, i think that's all?

So I'm autistic, but my parents don't know it, or at least they haven't said they know it. My mom is super abusive and has been my whole life.

She always punishes me for showing neurodivergent traits. Pretty young (around eight, I'm seventeen now) I started repressing my meltdowns. I repress them all the time now, bc it's not really safe to have them. And I don't have a truly safe space to hide.

So I'm wondering-- I've heard it's bad to repress meltdowns, and I've been doing it for almost a decade. I have a lot of chronic pain and ptsd and stuff and I'm just wondering-- what are the effects of holding in meltdowns and what should I expect?

Hi there,

It is definitely harmful to suppress your meltdowns and emotions. Many people who experience mental illness and emotional suppression also experience chronic pain. PTSD is linked to physical pain, as well.

Suppressing emotions and meltdowns can contribute to: - GI issues, such as bloating, nausea, lack of appetite - Sleep disturbances - Back and neck pain - Jaw pain - Headaches - Muscle tension

Try to let the meltdowns out when you are safe to do so. Let yourself express your emotions when you can. It's not fair at all that you're in an environment where you can't do these things. You deserve to feel safe to be open, expressive, and yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being you.

Take care.

- Misa

[shotorozu]

𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤

𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔬𝔲 𝔥𝔦𝔱𝔬𝔰𝔥𝔦 ᥊ 𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔯

𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆: you find yourself in a bar that you and your ex used to go to regularly. the local bartender calls your ex- shinsou hitoshi; thinking you guys are still together. 

𝗮𝗱𝗱𝗶𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗮𝗴𝘀: angst to fluff (happy ending), sfw, pro hero au (aged up), drinking (alcohol mentions and intake) ex to lovers, minor todomomo (not the center of this fic) reader is in the top 5, some swearing. 

𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗱: [Y/N = your name, L/N = last name, H/N = hero name, ] f! reader, quirk not mentioned. 

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲𝘀: i also did this trope on ao3 with todomomo, so i better not see people think i plagiarized them because.. that’s literally me lol. also! i was very conflicted, bc i also wanted to do this with shouto but since I already have 2-3 fics in the making, i went with hitoshi (but let me know if you wanna see shouto’s version.) 

word count to be added when im not sleep deprived

　　　　　　　　

　　　　　　　　˚✧₊⁎⁎⁺˳✧༚

You swivel down another shot down your throat, not caring of the burn in your nose, nor do you care about the smell of the alcohol. 

You’re never like this, this is not the best representation of yourself, no. This is not who you are as a person, and the way your former classmates look at you with concern when you chug down another shot shows how unusual this is to them.

“Take it easy..” Momo pats your back, and you exhale heavily, putting down the glass. Everyone is certain that you’ll obtain some serious hangover, almost to the point that you’d have to take the morning off to treat your hangover. They’re aware that you’re not this careless, since you're in the top 5 after all. 

But they let you be momentarily, but why you may ask?

Because this is your way of coping a breakup with your boyfriend of 3 and a half years, Shinsou Hitoshi. They’re aware on how hurt you really are, and to be real- they were the ones that asked you to come out with them tonight to distract you. 

“They’ve been going at it for a while, it’s almost concerning.” Tsuyu comments, as she tends to a slightly tipsy Mina, holding her so she doesn’t fall face first into the floor. 

The least they could do is let you be, while you're not totally blacked out.

The local bartender- Maki, looks at you with concern when you order another shot, yet they still give it to you (with the slightest hesitation) since you’re such a good friend to her. (Your rank makes you very respectable, it’s almost intimidating! but your casual friend ship with the bar tender says other wise.) 

But on the contrary, you'd know when you’ve reached the limit, and you’d probably know when they’d start refusing your requests of another shot. 

One by one, their friends depart from the table, either they were too drunk to even handle it so they were brought home, or something came up- everyone could agree that they all had some sort of worry towards their dear friend’s very out of character coping mechanism. 

“I have to go soon,” Momo sighs, when she receives a text from Todoroki- though it’s very obvious that she’s still very concerned for you, considering that she’s the only friend left. “Please take care of Y/N, Maki-san.” 

Maki nods at your black haired friend, and the creation hero looks at you one last time before leaving the bar. 

Lifting your head, your words are slurred as you request for another shot, which seems like the umpteenth time that you requested for a shot. The concerned bartender still attends to your needs, yet- she’s contemplating of calling someone if you ask for another. 

Likewise, you finish that shot in a moment, and you slump down on the table. Eyelids fluttering slowly as your laughter is filled with intoxication, your cheeks are warm from being inebriated from the intake of alcohol. 

You don’t notice how your concerned bartender dials up a number, requesting for them to pick your drunken state. 

     »»————-　➴　————-««

“Did you know the word bed is shaped like one?” 

It’s now past midnight, and you’re mouthing off about something random, the train of thought is endless (but it’s more like a shower thought ramble.) Your fists are deep into your hair- holding your head up so it doesn't hit the table, meanwhile Maki paces back and forth- still tending to other requests from the very few customers left. 

“Now that you’ve mentioned it, yeah.” They answer absentmindedly, “Man, I haven't seen you in nearly 4 months! it’s been a while. You knows how to hold your alcohol so frankly, this is the first time I’ve seen this side of you!” 

“Oh really?” You slur, continuing on to spout out purposeless words.

The bartender’s response is a total blur, words turning into background noises, and a part of you is lucky to still be conscious and still functioning (yet it's barely) 

“..But you hold it well for--” 

You’re also very lucky that you’re a little too under the influence to even register the name.

You didn't know you’d take this breakup with him harshly. The most you were expecting was just.. crying while eating ice cream. 

But no, it was an utter shit hole. 

The door busts open, and the bartender’s expression seems to brighten up “Ah, there you are!” 

You grumble, the bar’s lights causing your eyes to sting- and your head hurts too. You might need some aspirin later.. you close your eyes shut. The bartender is chatting with the unknown person, and frankly- you just wished you didn’t intoxicate yourself this much.

“Y/N,” 

The baritone voice is almost sufficient in sobering you up. Turning to the familiar voice, you see the tall figure, sporting bedraggled purple hair. 

It’s Shinsou Hitoshi. A reason why you’re in such a mess, coping with a breakup in the first place. 

You almost fall off your chair in sudden revelation to the appearance of your ex lover. It was almost like.. your drunken state was making you see things- a possible hallucination maybe? it has to be that. Maybe it’s the side effect of the growing headache?? What was in that shot?

“Ugh, I must be crazy,” You wipe your cheek from slob, your head throbbing from the growing headache. The weary purple head raises an eyebrow, and the bartender is confused by the sudden tension. It's abnormal, alright.

The reason why you broke up was because of his lack of self care. 

Again, it’s not like he was being a shithead and cheating on you, or being a total prick of a boyfriend and neglecting you, and it’s definitely not the other way around either. 

It was probably the opposite. He'd neglect himself for days on end, not caring about himself, and not caring about his own being. It was.. not what you wanted at all. 

You figured just because the both of you are rising up heroes, and also adults- he would’ve gotten a grip of not neglecting himself. 

But even habits like that don’t get old. 

“Hitoshi- seriously, when was the last time you’ve took a breather?” growing slightly irritated by Shinsou’s continuous neglect of his own self care, and also the fact that he’s clinging onto you 24/7. 

“It doesn’t matter.” He shrugs, pinching your cheek. Heck, you should be glad he wants to be with you for the majority of the days. But you can’t tolerate him when he’s constantly complaining about being tired, although making little to no efforts in taking care of himself. Heck- his dark circles got even darker- how is that even possible?

“’Toshi, it really does. You can’t neglect self care.” Your brows furrow when he chooses to ignore your words. “You’re not listening to me.” 

“You should be glad that I want to spend time with you.” 

It stung. What the hell did he even mean by that..?? scoffing, and slightly offended, you reply “That’s not the main issue.” you cross your arms “We’ve talked about this before, remember?” You reason out, giving him the nice benefit of the doubt. You'd like to be civil here. 

He ignores you once more, and you can actually feel the irritation grow within you. “I don’t want to be the reason why you neglect yourself.” 

“I’m really not, okay?” He retorts back, “Why do you always have to bring up things that don't matter?” 

Aggitated, you snap back “Wh- we’re talking about you! Hitoshi, we’ve talked about this- and you said you’d work on it! do my words mean nothing to you?” Hitoshi’s gaze flickers up, only staring at you, as if it was his own way of judging you and your intent. 

And that’s how it erupted into a full fight, and into your eventual breakup. 

You didn’t know how expressing your genuine concern for him blended into him saying things he’d never mean in his entire life. He doesn’t stop you when you walk out, not saying a thing at all

There was no verbal breakup. It was just.. there. 

The unknowing bartender interrupts the nonverbal tension, “I thought you’d be a lot happier, y’know.” 

“We-”

“..’ll get going now, thanks again.” Before you know it, Hitoshi’s hooking your arm around his shoulders— as he walks to the door, leaving the very familiar bar.

It’s awkward, surely. You’re not sure why he was there, and you’re not so sure as to why he decided to come to your aid in the first place. If Maki called him, and he was requested to come to you in question, then he could’ve just..

“..sent someone else,” You mumble. You reek heavily of alcohol, and your skin is undeniably warm. Frankly, he doesn’t remember the last time you were like this— was it the first time you had a drink? it was years back at this point.

You’re pretty.

Beautiful,

That’s one thing that hasn’t change. Surely, what changed things was the fact that he said some.. horrible things— and refused to even listen to your concerns, which ultimately cause your breakup. His relationship status changed into some lonely and young hero, and his heart ached in different ways.

But you’re still very beautiful, to him.

Doesn’t matter if you’re all dolled up for a hero interview, or a mess on a off saturday. You’re still beautiful.

But now— he’s focused on your words, and he’s taken aback when you continue to speak, causing the both of you to stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

“You’ve coulda asked s-someone else to pick.. me up.” Your words are slurred, a normal side effect of being drunk. However, seeing your ex has surely sobered you up.

“That’s true,” Shinsou moves to continue walking, so you guys weren’t standing on the middle of the side walk on a cold early morning.

“What are you even doing at a bar at 1am?” He changes the subject, but you’re still caught on to your previous question. “You didn’t answer my question at all, meanie.” Her grip is firm, so there’s no way of budging it.

His laugh lacks humor, yet he feels obligated to answer her. Or else they’d be stuck on the sidewalk, due to her hero grip.

“It didn’t feel right,”

“Yeah sure.” You grumble, “Because you suddenly care.”

“I’ve always cared, Y/N.”

“Really?” You say, not really believing him anyway. “You seemed pretty sure with your words back then to care.” Despite being toxicated, your words have undertones of venom

“You may say that, but.. I’ve always cared.”

“Then why the hell did you say all of that back then, huh?” Overwhelmed by seeing your ex, who you still fucking loved by the way— tears grow at your eyes. “If you’re lying, stop it.” You say, literally not in the mood to be lied to right now.

You’re literally being carried by your ex, while intoxicated, while also having a throbbing headache.

“I’m not.” Hitoshi answers firmly. A certain edge grows in his throat, and he hates it.

“Yes you are,” Your voice is now wobbly, it’s really just a mix of your overwhelming emotion, as well as your drunken state. “You would’ve told me that weeks ago!”

You were always right, and he knows it. Ever since from the last moment you shared with him, your words were just.. nothing but the sheer truth. Yet, he’s only hurt you— because of his denial.

He knows you’re right, and he knows that he had his habits of neglecting his own care. Though that’s why he decided to change, that you were in fact- correct all this time.

And he was just an ass to even admit it.

“You’re right,” His fists crumple, grip tight as he fights his sudden urge to break. “You were always right. I’ve always cared, and you’ve always cared about me. Yet I was worried of changing, not being around you just so that I could take care of something that’s not really important-”

“But you are, Hitoshi,” You sob, nearly collapsing onto the ground— “You matter so much, yet you don’t even see it, and if I’m going to contribute to your destructive ways— then...”

“How could you? If you don’t care about my words, then do you care about yourself..?”

Shinsou sighs, bending down to meet your level— you’re gasping and sobbing into his chest, tears angrily running down your cheeks.

“I know, kitten, and I’m sorry.” Wiping your tears with his thumb, he speaks once more. “That’s why.. I’ve thought about what you’ve said, and I decided to take care of myself a bit more, I want you to know that.. I do care.”

You glance up at him, the city lights luminating his face— enough for you to see the adorning expression he’s sporting.

“..really?” You speak, in a nearly hush tone, again— you’re still very drunk, and overwhelmed with emotions. This could’ve been passed off as a fever dream, and you could’ve been normal with it.

“Yes, Y/N.” His mouth perks up into a small smile.

“Then.. would you allow me to start over with you again?”

Pushing against Hitoshi, you envelope him with your arms— it’s almost cliché and dramatic, the way you collapse into his arms like it’s the last day on earth.

But.. Shinsou’s glad he has you again. Finally a chance to prove that he’s changed.

ーーーーーーー

BONUS

You sit on the counter of your apartment, hands covering your face— as a way to shield your eyes from the prodding sunlight that peaks from the windows.

“This should help,” Hitoshi hands you a cool glass of water, “The way you hold your alcohol is terrible,” You chug down the glass of water, and you take a jab at him with your feet.

He hisses at the sudden attack, and only chuckles, “You’re mad because it’s true kitten,” He teases

“Shut up,” You draw him in with your leg, setting the glass down, “Just kiss me already,”

And so he does, pressing your lips against his— savoring the sweet warm moment he’s been practically starved of for nearly 4 months.

He pulls back, his expression showcasing that he’s tasting the aftermath.

“Ew, you taste like beer.”

You glare at him, and take another light jab, “Of course I do, Idiot.”

Despite saying all of that, he pulls you in once more.

　　　　　　　˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚

likes and reblogs are appreciated, thanks for reading (literally the first fic i’ve ever posted, so y’all BETTER like it or i’ll 💀)

i do not own bnha/mha and it’s characters. boku no hero academia/my hero academia belongs to horikoshi kohei, i only own the writing

do not plagiarize my work :)) (literally don’t, it’s 3:26am on a tuesday.)

[curious-menace]

So iv got yet another headache 🙃

Wonder what the rogues would be like when they aren't feeling too peachy? What do the rogues do when they have a headache?

Penguin

Penguin very rarely gets headaches, he's lucky that way. That tophat of his protects him from the sun, he gets regular massages so he never gets tension headaches and he never drinks enough to be hungover. On the rare occasion he does have one it's usually very mild, even if he's got some other ailment like the flu. He's got the luxury of being able to go to bed with an icepack and some hot whiskey to help him sleep it off.

Twoface

Poor Harvey. Suffers from chronic tension headaches, high blood pressure headaches and even the occasional migraine. DID can cause some pretty severe headaches on it's own and that's even before you take into account all the stress he's under. Still, they both hide it well, two face is definitely more dramatic about it though. He rolls around on his bed in pain where Harvey just preferred everything to be quite and still. They usually just tough it out, but they have specific meds for when it gets really bad. If he's out of Arkham /no access to tablets he has a terrible habit of self medicating with whatever he can get his hands on. Might help for a little while but the rebound will be so much worse.

Ivy

Another one who rarely gets headaches. The only thing that can hurt her is lack of water/dehydration. Generally she has a liter bottle with her wherever she goes but she has been known to absorb rain through her skin in desperation. She can grow herbal remedies in seconds , so she doesn't really needs Tylenol or anything. She has a little pot of tiger balm white in her pocket for if she's being discreet with her plant powers .

Riddler

Another chronic headache sufferer. But frankly, most of its his own fault. He forgets to eat and drink regularly and his posture at his scheming chair is absolutely atrocious. Don't even get me started on his habit of staring at the screen for hours on end. No wonder he has such bad eye strain.The majority of his pain could be avoided by keeping a waterbottle at his desk and sitting up better. He flat out refuses to take tablets unless he is actually dying. Then and only then will he take 1 ibuprofen and a quick nap until it kicks in.

Scarecrow

His headaches are few and far between but when they hit him, they put him down for the day. He gets sick in stages, trying to convince himself he's fine and can keep working. Chugging a handful of painkillers with a mouthful of whiskey was a bad idea as an undergrad but now as an actual adult it's like trying to put out a house fire with a water pistol. He has blacked out from the pain several times over the years, usually waking up with Harley or one of the other rogues fussing over him and telling him to go to the hospital.he never does and he never will but he appreciates the concern. It'll usually take a few days for the pain to go away but Jon can usually be found back in his lab after one, powering through it for the sake of his work. Frankly it wouldn't take so long to feel better if he wasn't breathing in all those fumes.

Harley

She gets the odd headache. Some from stress, some from hangovers. She's young she can usually just sleep it off or drink some water and be fine 20 minutes later. the worst headaches she gets are hairdo headaches. Having gymnastic updos and her hair in those pigtails all damn day makes her hair hurt. She really likes head and scalp massages and if she's feeling especially headachy she might want someone to play with her hair or rub her back. Basically comforting touch is like morphine for her.

Lmao I had to stop writing this half way through bc my headache got too severe. I wish I could be like penguin and just not get headaches 🙃

Got a question for me? Send me an ask or a DM or HMU with some of your own Headcanons

[superbonbon]

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”

Several anons’ boldly ignorant questioning of the motivation--or lack thereof--for creators to create during A PANDEMIC has me bristling and ready to hop on my soapbox. Instead, I’m running defense for these fantastic folks whose work, however frequently published, has kept me grounded during COVID’s oppressive reign.

I have no idea what I’m doing here. I’ve never published a fic, and haven’t read one since Vampire Diaries was first a thing. But what to do when ur a mom stuck at home with a preschooler, navigating pandemic life and some of the not-so-ideal realities that come along with it?

Coming off of D+ releasing The Mandalorian and the most recent trilogy, I rediscovered a love for these stories, the expanded universe and the fandom--WOW!! What’s been so surprising and invigorating for me about this latent discovery is the myriad ways this franchise has given people the capacity to dream, and to create; to obsess. I mean, I just came here to browse the blogs for Daddy!Mando content and ended up sticking around for the stunning range of Star Wars smut fan works and discussion.

For better or for worse, my soul is forever altered --or, at least my thirst is. And here before you is my fumbling attempt to pay fealty to those who have truly captured my heart. This will either be great and earn me some frenz or make me a pariah, but I can’t sit idly by while some dum-dums say dum-dum things anonymously about folks who choose to share their writing online. 

In no particular order, here is a list of writers I’ve been stalking on the Tmblrs. This list is by no means exhaustive, and I’m still learning how to use/navigate the app. Also..there are SO MANY more amazing writers here and on other platforms (shoutout AO3). I’m just old and tired and I have trouble keeping  things organized these days.

Without further ado, I present my dissertation.

@plexflexico​ - for thrilling action infused with exciting sci-fi elements and grade A+++ smut, but alongside such achingly tender, human moments. I thank you kindly for such robust content across the board. These stories are a balm for my soul and give me tummy butterflies. ***Saving the latest installment of Bad Batch so I can actually get some sleep tonight.

@no-droids - for capturing and exploring the idea of desire so exquisitely while also carrying out a compelling narrative that moves the story forward and keeps us pining for more. Ugh I just want to cry with this. Rough Day, gahhh!!! But also, every other work in your published canon, let’s be honest. This is Next Level. ***Not touching this Poe fic yet bc see above.

Fucking @concussed-to-pieces . I scream! I cry! I turn into a puddle and slide onto the floor. Also, kudos for accomplishing the kind of crossover so seamless (Of Gorgons and Gardens, I’m lookin at you) I’m left to wonder how these characters ever made it without each other. I’m shook. So appreciative for the P3dro content, but almost convinced I need to get into wrestling so I can indulge in the rest.

@stubbychaos​ - I am fully invested in Saviin’ika and the health and well-being of these characters. I will follow them until they find true happiness together (and let’s be honest, even if they don’t bc I’m here 100% for this torturous angst). Dear God, make it stop. But don’t stop, seriously. And even if you think it’s too long. It’s not. The meandering pace really serves what is often the true nature of human interaction. 

@leo-moon​ - I will always revisit your Masterlist; so much so that my kid accidentally hearted it bc it’s probably always open in my phone. But I won’t consider it an accident because the Migraine series is a real treat. Yes, like a headache, I am longing for a release from the tension we’ve been left suspended in, but the readers will be here if/when you continue it. And even if you don’t, it’s fiction, and it’s beautiful, and I’m grateful for what we’ve gotten so far.

@jangofctts​ - With the small snippets of Boba we actually get on screen, I am also very grateful for the variety of Boba we get in fics, but most especially for this characterization you’ve presented in Last Favor. It’s so damn perfect how you ride that oft-attempted line of dubious consent that so few writers can achieve successfully. I’m dyin for someone to call me “rabbit”. Also, I always come back to your Poe fics. Short and sweet. Like Poe.

@bobafvtt​​ - See above re Boba content. And to expound on this, Fuck--I’m so broken up for reader and Boba in Warmest Color that they’re just so damaged with this relationship. But man, the fleeting moments where they figure it out - that dynamic is so tender and lovely. I live for those moments.

@magichandthing​ - Thank you for inspiring a dream AU in clan leader!Mando. This is an idea I can most definitely get behind. And in. And on. And not to blow up your spot or anything, but the Mando sando is a pretty nifty idea as well.

And on the subject of sandwiches, I can’t thank @beskars​ enough for the maul x reader x savage fic that really made me feel some type of way.

@primarybufferpanel​​ - fuuuuuck. When you write that capital “S” Soft, I melt. My stomach churns. Didn’t know I needed a soft Maul in my life quite like this, but damn, run me over with that shit. Huge props, too for OFCs that are believable and badass.

@huliabitch​ - I think your one-shots were some of the first “good good” Mando content I came across. Now you’ve got me sweating and pining for CL!Mando with Unheavenly Creatures. So much so, I think I need to find myself a thigh chain. Feelin’ this developing romance in a beautifully-imagined setting, feelin’ Shayr’la, and feelin’ myself. I thank you.

@aunty-ren - one more for the clan leader - The Offer is going places that I’m very excited about. This is worldbuilding, folks!

Again - this is my opinion, which is probably worth fuckall, so this is slightly less of a fic rec list and more a huge THANK YOU. Still so much out there for me to process. I haven’t even embarked on the Javi train, but I’m so very open to recommendations there and elsewhere. 

I’m mostly just stoked to be here!!

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 79

[Date: 15/03, 6:49 PM - 7:30 PM GMT]

Maxwell: “hey you guys?

I was wondering if i could ask y'all for advice”

Gyuteinnit: “What's up?”

Maxwell: “do any of y'all know a good way to get rid of headache

I woke up this morning to one and it hasn't gone away yet”

Gyuteinnit: “Try a cold pack and don't be online as much and just try to get away from the screen also possibly sleep if you can”

Maxwell: “Yeah I had been doing that mainly”

fetch: “Warm rag over the eyes and lay down, maybe shut off the lights

thats how mona helped me with mine anyway”

Gyuteinnit: “That also helps”

Maxwell: “hm....”

fetch: “You also just might need to eat or drink something”

Maxwell: “hopefully it does I havent had a headache this bad in a while

usually it goes away after i take a tylenol but its been hours now”

emuhlee: “that's not good”

Maxwell: “ey its

just a headache

itll go away eventually

i just hope sooner rather then later ha...”

emuhlee: “hopefully!”

dreaming: “if it persists you should look into it..

further”

Maxwell: “might be a little hard

not many doctors are accepting of hybrids...”

dreaming: “that sucks, hopefully you can find one..”

Maxwell: “i should be good...i might look up what type of headache it could be that might help with figuring out what caused it”

dreaming: “yeah!”

Maxwell: “it might be a tension one....i cant tell though

its not really near my forehead

more so right above my ears and then around the back”

dreaming: “that.. considering some stuff doesn't sound good...

i don't want to make you scared or anything but..”

Maxwell: “reminds me of when i used to wear a headband or something and it would be sore after ha

scared?”

fetch: “You prolly just slept on your head wrong lmao

I wake up in messed up positions all the time”

Maxwell: “yeah....what was it you were gonna say dreaming?

What?

Is something wrong?”

emuhlee: “i can't speak for them, but what i understood, is they might be a bit worried about syd's new.. headpiece.. and how it uh.. came to be.. and then, uh. you now having a headache..”

jaynoblade: “...yeah that's what i was thinking as well”

Maxwell: “....what...

no no no its not”

Mothbo: “I'd suggest staying away from Baroness/interacting with her until we get more info.”

Maxwell: “it cant be

im fine

ive jsut been sleeping on the floor so much thats it”

fetch: “yall I'm pretty sure we'd know if max had vines growing out of his head”

Maxwell: “yeah”

Mothbo: “To be fair we didn't see Syd's coming either.”

Maxwell: “id notice it when i shower or brush my hair”

Marcus: “Hey hey hey, max it’s okay”

emuhlee: “i think it's just a headache, but it's probably something we should keep in mind”

jaynoblade: “i saw what was happening to syd. none of us knew it was anything more than a headache until it... happened”

fetch: “can we talk about something else. you're just scaring him.”

Mothbo: “It will be okay, Max. I doubt it's the same thing. Try to rest and take headache meds.

Yes lets”

Marcus: “You probably slept on the floor wrong”

jaynoblade: “yeah good idea”

Marcus: “My arm is kind of numb maybe you laid on it?

Made your head sore”

fetch: “oh yeah I caught yall nappin on the floor earlier >:P”

Maxwell: “jus the idea of that happening to me....ugh....watching it happen was bad enough

yeah i....was a little tired earlier

tried to nap to get rid of the headache”

fetch: “farming awwws”

Marcus: “..you weren’t sleeping well last night

Maybe it was that too

Tossing and turning, not getting enough sleep can give you a headache too”

Maxwell: “Maybe...”

emuhlee: “Most signs point to it having to do with your sleep, so i think everything is okay, just a normal headache”

jaynoblade: “i typically find that when i get a headache, drinking a ton of water helps bc i tend to forget and then i get dehydrated"

Maxwell: “True”

Marcus: “We’ll get you some food and water just to make sure it’s not those and then we can do something low energy until you either nap or it goes away on it’s own”

Maxwell: “Could be my teeth too...”

fetch: “Yeah, you're part rat right? Their teeth grow pretty fast don't they”

emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”

Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”

[emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”]

Maxwell: “No Mona likes it but I can’t stand the smell, makes me kind of sick”

emuhlee: “not even soda or chocolate? those have caffeine too”

Mothbo: “Tea and energy drinks too”

Maxwell: “I like chocolate but I haven’t had it for a while I’ve mostly been drinking water and milk”

[Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”]

Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”

fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”

[Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”]

Maxwell: “Anything like wood or something would work”

Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”

[fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”]

Maxwell: “That....might be helpful thank you my last one broke a while back”

[Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”]

Maxwell: “Honestly no as long as it isn’t dirty and won’t give me splinters it’s good”

Marcus: “Okay so we get some from out there, maybe take the bark off and wash them?”

Maxwell: “Sure as long as it doesn’t break super easily”

Marcus: “Okay! I’ll go look around the backyard”

[dreaming: “have you done anything like that recently?..”]

Maxwell: “I don’t like energy drinks or such or sweets...

Hey jack...”

Jack: “hey Max!

honestly i had a pretty bad headache a few days back and it turned out i was just dehydrated.

make sure you drink plenty of water :)”

jaynoblade: “dehydration my abhorred”

Maxwell: “I’ll try”

Jack: “yeah i had like two glasses of cold water and was fine

staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”

Marcus: “Okay I got some, I’ll go clean them up and bring you some food and water

And request for food max?”

[Jack: “staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”]

Maxwell: “I still gotta ask her about that note though....”

Jack: “Even if it's completely unrelated. better safe than sorry. someone else can always ask for you!”

kate: “We can ask my man”

Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”

Jack: “coconut water is rad for dehydration, if you're into that sort of thing.

[Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”]

Marcus: “Okay! How about some fruits? Strawberries and watermelon boost electrolytes and that’ll help with dehydration too”

Maxwell: “I’ve always liked watermelons....”

Marcus: “Okay I’ll be right back. How do you feel about turkey and cheese sandwiches?

You need some protein”

Maxwell: “Maybe not Turkey but I like cheese....”

[Marcus: “You need some protein”]

Maxwell: “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean”

Marcus: “Okay cheese it is but I’m getting you to eat protein at some point

I’ll be right back okay?”

Maxwell: “Course”

Marcus: “I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need me”

Maxwell: “Got it”

[ps1]

hello, i’ve been offline for a while due to my health. i’ve been going thru severe tension headaches that left me incapable of working, and doing anything. i’ve been stuck in bed for over a week due to light and sound making me very sensitive. i ate basically nothing bc the smell of food made me want to vomit, and when i did manage to get a bite i would vomit. only yesterday i managed to drink a smoothie. today i feel better and want to eat. i’ve lost 5lbs throughout the week. i got the headaches due to caffeine withdrawals from drinking too much coffee. sometimes i drink it bc i really like the flavor. it’s also from lack of sleep and now from the vog coming from kilauea volcano, traveling to my island. thank you all for keeping my blog alive by reblogging content, and every new follower that came through. y’all are stellar. 

[pennypuppet]

im tempted to not go to my motion graphics class tonight bc i’ve had a giant tension headache all day from stress and lack of sleep after having my tire bust on me last night driving home

but i need to turn in the storyboard and aydio for my next project tho

maybe i can just turn in the storyboard  and audio and go home

[akawhiskeyy-blog]

AKA One Hell of a Payday || Self

a self-para about how jessica got her payment from the joker -- and what she spent it on.

trigger warnings: alcoholism, violence, guns, language (cuz jessica mostly), mentions of murder, implied mentions of rape (bc kilgrave stuff, he’s just not a nice person guys, and neither is the joker but they’d probably get along real well)

Fifty-thousand dollars.

She closes the hotel door behind her – a little too hard – and dumps it all onto the bed. Fifty thousand dollars, minus the cost of the room, and it’s hers. All hers. She stares at it for a moment, then she throws up in the trash can.

After the car accident, she was in a coma. The first few weeks after Kilgrave, after Reva, after she showed up on Trish’s doorstep broken in a thousand pieces, she didn’t speak for weeks. After the docks, she spent a full three days dead asleep. She didn’t even dream.

She’s used to shutting down.

She left her bags at the club, a sort of collateral. That, plus the promise that the wad of cash in her pocket was only half, and not coming back didn’t even cross her mind.

Jay still insisted on sending men with her. And on calling to give her the address. His voice was sickly sweet, and somehow sticky, even through the phone. It oozed into her ears like slime, and when he was done, she slammed the ‘end call’ button a little harder than necessary.

But she had an address now. And money in her pocket waiting to be doubled. For one job, she reminded herself. Just one. That’s all she had to do.

And she was choosing this. No one was forcing her this time.

Maybe that mattered.

Shutting down happens, for her, a little bit at a time.

She starts moving a little slower, circling the bed as she shoves the money into a plastic bag, a goddamn grocery bag, and stuffs between the mattress and the bedspring. Cliché, but effective. Her hands feel clumsy and numb, tingling as she strips off her clothes, stumbling into the shower. The water pelts her skin, leaves it blistering red, but she can barely feel it. It’s like a mosquito bite, but far, far away.

Clad in only a towel, she collapses onto the bed. She doesn’t sleep though, just stares at the wall for a long, long time. Long enough to lose track of the seconds, and the minutes, the hours, the days, the years – she thought she could avoid this. By getting a cheap hotel, a hotel nothing like what he would’ve picked, a hotel with cracks in the ceiling and an old radiator that works a little too well and a television with thirty channels tops, she could avoid the memories at least. But they’re always there. He’s always there. Lurking in the darkest shadows in the corner of a dark room, the kind of black your eyes never fully adjust to. His whisper in her ear. You want to do it, you know you do.

“Main Street,” she mutters, but her voice feels foreign and distant. Like it’s not even hers.

She ditched the goon squad a block and a half back. Told them she knew a shortcut, and then leapt to the roof. She didn’t exactly stick the landing, but it worked well enough to confuse them. Apparently IQ wasn’t a requirement for Jay’s associates. She wondered what that said about her.

She hopped rooftops until she was on top of a warehouse, across the street from Argenti’s bunker. There was one door, and one door only. Guarded by a pair of men, mob guys if she had to guess. Too well-dressed for run-of-the-mill thugs, and too casual for military assholes. That fit in with Jay’s style, too. That strange mix of class and chaos, smashing into each other in a way that only the mob could make work. She jumped off the side, where the guards wouldn’t see her.

“Excuse me,” she called, approaching them slowly. She was using her fake, valley-girl voice, high-pitched and innocent. A false smile painted on her lips. She didn’t play this role very well for very long, but it was good in short bursts. “I’m a little lost.”

The guards exchanged a look, both of them grinning widely. “We’re workin’ sweetheart, how ‘bout you come back a lil’ later?” the first man called.

The second man’s eyes were dark, glinting in the streetlight. “We’re off at the end of the night,” he said, as she came closer. “Then we can help you get whereva’ you need to go.”

“That a promise?” she asked, stepping close. They both lowered their guns, one guard swung it back behind his back. So his hands were free to reach out for her slowly.

“Oh, you bet—” Before he could finish the sentence, she grabbed them both by the front of their shirts. Threw them back against the bunker, hard. There was a sickening crunch, and they slumped over.

“About that,” she said, shoving them out of the way, laying them in a heap on top of each other. “I’m kind of in a hurry.”

There was a keypad on the door. She ignored it, and just punched the door in. Two blows, and it crumpled like tissue paper. Some security.

Somehow, she manages to get dressed. Half-dressed anyway. A tank top, underwear. She doesn’t need anything else. The radiator is on full blast, makes the air in the room stuffy and hot, too sticky to breathe, but she’s too tired to get up and fix it. She just curls up, a cold bottle of whiskey pressed against her stomach.

It’s a queen-sized bed, but she barely takes up a quarter of it, curled inward like this.

She feels so small. But the whiskey still feels impossibly light in her hands – she’s glad she thought to get more on the way back. Though honestly, there wasn’t much else she could think about. Fifty thousand dollars in her pocket, and the only coherent thought she had was whiskey.

Whiskey, hotel, shower. That was as far as she’d planned. Her lack of foresight was starting to become an issue.

She still bought the cheap stuff, out of habit, and it burns on the way down. But she doesn’t mind – she’s almost grateful. When she winces, she feels almost human.

She tried to look casual as she walked through the halls of the bunker. Head held high, steady pace, like she belonged there. She’d found that worked – most of the time. People didn’t think you were suspicious until you started to act suspicious.

The floors were sloped and gunmetal gray, and the hallways twisted off in every direction, but she kept going down. Figured if this guy was hiding, he’d want to burrow in as deep as he could. Right at the center of it.

She heard footsteps, paused and drew back into a corner. A guard rounded the bend, and she grabbed him from behind. One hit, and he was down. He’d wake up in a few hours with a massive headache, but no serious damage. She hoped.

He had a laminated keycard around his neck. She yanked it off, stuffing it in her pocket as she continued on.

Finally, one door caught her eyes. Security, reinforced, unpickable lock – a lot like Trish’s door actually, she noticed, eyeing it up and down. She thought about yanking it open, just to see if she could, but she had the goddamn keycard. Might as well use it.

The lights chimed as they turned green and the heavy metal door slid to the side. She stepped into the furnished room, the only hint of life she’d seen in this place so far.

“How did you get in here?”

She turned towards the corner, and saw a man in a white suit. Huge, but nervous looking. That, and the two armed guards on either side of him, gave her a pretty good idea who he was.

“Vito Argenti?” she called, taking a step forward. The guards trained their guns on her.

“Yeah, and this is my bunker. So who the hell are you?” he said, his voice gruff and solid. He tried to mask the fear in his voice with anger, but it was paper thin.

“Jessica Jones,” she said simply. “And you’re coming with me.”

Argenti stood up, clenching his hands into fists. “You listen to me, I ain’t going nowhere over some misunderstanding. Tell Mr. J I’ll look over the numbers again –”

“I’m not a messenger,” Jessica snapped. “I’m a goddamn delivery boy.”

“A dead delivery boy,” Argenti hissed, motioning to his men. They raised their guns – Jessica ducked just in time, rolling behind a couch to avoid more spray.

Goddammit. She still wasn’t bulletproof. Sighing irritably, she got a grip on the bottom of the couch. With one fluid motion, she flipped it towards the three men.

The gunfire stopped, one of them men grunted loudly as the couch slammed him against the floor. The other guard ran towards her, she grabbed him by the arm, and spun him, tossing him into the corner with ease.

She straightened up, brushed the hair out of her face, and turned towards Argenti.

“Not today,” she panted, chest heaving. She stalked towards him, hauled him off the ground by his collar. “You got thirty seconds to decide whether you wanna be delivered conscious or otherwise.”

“You can’t!” Argenti screamed. His hands closed over hers, she couldn’t shake him off without letting him go. “That freak, that – evil son of a bitch, do you know what he’ll do to me?” His eyes were wild, spit flew from his mouth.

Jessica paused. She could feel the weight of Jay’s money in her pocket, like a stone. The tension rolling off Argenti, the genuine terror in his eyes. She’d felt terror like that. Mind-ripping, soul-destroying horror. The kind you never really recovered from.

She bit her lip, then swallowed hard. “Not my problem,” she said finally. “I get you to him, I get paid. The rest of it is between you two –“

“You bitch,” he spat. “You whore! Cu—”

Her fist against his jaw shut him up pretty quick. His head slumped forward against his chest.

She let him fall to the ground, taking a second to pull out her flask. She went to take a swig, but it was empty. “Goddammit,” she muttered. At least she could afford to restock.

It was easy, lifting Argenti off the ground and slinging him over her shoulders. Stepping over the bullet-torn furniture and unconscious guards. Weaving her way through the halls again. Outside, she gazed up, prepared to jump as far as she could.

He woke up just as she bent her knees. “He’ll kill me,” he mumbled, head lolling against her shoulder.

She pretended she hadn’t heard. Took off into the night, back towards Jay’s Club.

Two bottles later, the world is spinning. Swirling around her like a kaleidoscope of brown and cheap mustard yellow – who thought of the color combinations for these rooms? Were they trying to look like shit?

She wishes she could say it’s been a while, since she was this drunk. But it’s starting to be a pretty typical night for her.

Part of the reason she left Hell’s Kitchen after the trial – Trish was starting to notice. Really notice. Dropping more and more comments, slipping in the ‘r’ word every now and then, talking about ‘turning her life around.’ Jessica always had the same answer for that.

“What life?” she mutters to the ceiling. Christ, her words are so slurred she can barely understand them. Her tongue feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. Maybe it does. Maybe all of her is just an impossibly heavy weight. That would explain why it always feels like she’s sinking.

Even now, when she’s numb and the world is spinning, she still feels so heavy. So small, but so heavy, like the shadows inside her have their own gravity, like they’re pulling her down. Or maybe it’s all the memories, all the moments she remembers so vividly. Maybe every memory is like a brick in her mind, part of a wall that chokes off anything human.  

She remembers how his hand felt, on her skin. Sometimes gentle, like a whisper, and sometimes rough, raw, like he’d forgotten she could feel. She remembers the look in his eye whenever he told her to smile. She remembers Argenti’s eyes, wide and wild, bearing into hers as he screamed.

She remembers what Jay looked like, when she dragged Argenti inside the club.

It probably wasn’t her smartest move, but it seemed fun. He liked games, and she may have had a tiny flair for the dramatic.

So she walked in the front door of the club with Argenti slung over her shoulders, and laid him across Jay’s table. Two lackeys were quick to grab him, drag him off downstairs somewhere.

Argenti was still out cold. Jessica was glad – she wasn’t sure she could’ve looked him in the eye as they carried him off. His words were still ringing in her ears, the words she’d pretended not to hear. Option one: keep denying it.

It was blurry from there. That’s when she started shutting down.  Jay might’ve been amused by her stunt, or irritated or simply unimpressed, but she was too out of it to tell. He was so hard to read, so infuriatingly familiar, but still a complete mystery.

All she knew for sure was, he slid the rest of the cash towards her. Rubber-banded this time. Thick, red rubberbands. She shoved it in her pocket, grabbed her bags, and left without a word.

It was late – so late it was early, but still dark outside. She’d done it before dawn, just like she’d said. The liquor stores were closed, but bars were still open. She ducked into one, offered the bartender double for four bottles of whiskey. She could afford it, and he was only too happy to oblige. It was that kind of city, after all. A city where everyone was just a little bit desperate. Alien invasions had that effect on a person.

The woman at the motel didn’t want to give her a room without a credit card. But she was desperate, too, and fifty bucks changed her mind easy. Jessica rented it for the whole month. At least she had somewhere to shower now. Somewhere to set her bags down. Somewhere that was hers – or at least, more hers than an alleyway outside a pizzeria.

Whiskey, shower, hotel. That’s all she’d wanted. And she’d gotten for herself, with her own work. Her own sweat.

But someone else’s blood.

It felt tainted, all that money, laid out across her bed in uneven stacks. Stained. Slimey, like it left a residue on her fingertips. Even after her shower, she could still feel it.

Was it worth it?

There’s a mirror in the motel room. On the bathroom door. She finds it when she winds up on the floor. Back against the bed, which had started to feel too familiar. Too similar, too empty and too full of ghosts at the same time.

“Birch Street,” she says, and the reflection says it with her. It looks more real than she feels.

She raises the bottle – the second of the night? The third? She doesn’t remember. It doesn’t matter. She tilts it back, doesn’t even wince at the burn anymore, and finishes it off. “Higgins Drive,” she declares, balancing the empty bottle on her knee for a moment.

The anger and the shame and the guilt are sharp and hot when they flash through her. Bursting through the numbness. It hurts. She whips the bottle across the room. It smashes against the wall, just below the mirror. Shatters.

“Goddamn Cobalt Lane,” she whispers, voice trembling. It’s as cracked and broken as the bottle.

The street names don’t help. Because when she whispers them, all she can see is him standing in her doorway. Giving her a tour of her own childhood home. Eating meals at her table, sitting where her father used to sit.

She remembers the conversations they had. The closest they had ever come to an honest discussion.

“You call making me murder a woman, ending roughly?”

“Now, now let’s be clear. I did not tell you to kill Reva.”

“What?”

“If you remember, I said take care of her. Not kill her, you chose to punch her.”

You chose to punch her.

Those five words haunted her. Everything he said rang with some amount of creeptastic, eerie bullshit, but those words – those words sent ice through her veins. Those words made her heart stop and her lungs freeze and her brain shut down. Those words made her question everything.

She’d chosen to punch Reva. Just like she’d chosen to take on this job.

‘Perverse pleasure,’ that’s what Jay had called it. A perverse pleasure. Asked her if it was about power or control, but it wasn’t. It was about how she had neither.

She wonders if this is what he wanted all along. If this existential crisis/PTSD flashback nightmare was the goal of his little game. She doesn’t care anymore. But she wonders. Because it occurs to her that he was always two steps ahead of her the entire time. From the second she walked into his club, he was already playing her.

A little slow on the uptake, his voice whispers in her ear. She groans, slips further down, curls up on the floor. She’s so tired. She’s just so tired.

As much as she fights and rages against the entire world, it always feels like someone else is pulling her strings.

She wakes up the next morning – afternoon, really, judging from the sun – and throws up again. A lot. But once she’s done, and rinsed her mouth out about twelve times, it feels like she can think again. Like her brain is coming back.

She’s still walking the knife’s edge of sanity, but that’s a balancing act she’s used to by now. Today it even feels steady under her feet.

First things first -- she takes another shower. Because she can. She can feel the hot water this time. Then she grabs the money from under the mattress. Counts it again.

Just under fifty thousand dollars. Jesus Goddamn Christ.

She makes the decision in an instant. Sets aside a little over a thousand, then shoves the rest of it in the plastic bag. Her phone is actually charged for once in her life, and she searches out the nearest McDonalds.

Walking inside the restaurant, the fifteen year old behind the counter greets her with way too much enthusiasm for someone as hungover as she is. “How can I help you?” the girl asks, bouncing on her toes.

“You got one of those donation boxes?” Jessica asks. She hasn’t even taken off her sunglasses, it’s too damn bright in here.

The girl nods, pointing at the base of her register. “For the Ronald Mcdonald House Charity, you mean?” she asks, tapping the box.

Jessica nods. “That’s the one,” she says, stepping forward to examine the box. The bag of cash bounces against her thigh.

It’s small, and only has a change slot. There’s a few crumpled dollars in there anyway, among a sea of nickels and pennies. Jessica taps her finger on it, then grabs the side and rips the top off.

“Hey!” the girl shouts, backing up quickly. “You can’t be serious, stealing tha—”

But the words die in her throat when Jessica starts pouring money into the box. When she can’t fit anymore, she sets the bag on the counter, and shrugs at the girl. “Make sure it goes where it needs to go,” she says, her tone serious. “And tell your manager it’s from Mr. Jay. At this number.” She smiles broadly, slides a piece of paper with the club’s number on it across the counter. “I’m sure he’d love a thank you.”

She turns to leave, but stops at the door. She pauses, then walks back to the counter. “Can I get a chocolate shake to go?” she asks.

The teenage girl nods, and scampers away. 

[uncloseted]

Hi, I need your advice, since you are the smartest person i know. so i have really bad periods, like right before my period i turn VERY emotional and almost always have a breakdown every month, when it starts i have terrible lower back pain and idk if they're hot flashes but i just feel like my body is heating up from the inside although outside im not running a temp, i keep telling my mom i want pills even if not BC atleast somethingt to help with the symptoms but she skeeps telling me (1)

(2) they're not safe, i go through the same pain, hot water bottles are better etc. look i know BC has side effects but i literally lose all my will to live every month i become so lethargic and exhausted but i genuinely don't feel lik im exaggerating it !!!! but i also know my mom cares about me so do you think she's right, should i just suck it up and avoid pills is this pain normal

So, I usually try not to get too personal on here (that's for the YouTube channel), but going on non-cycling birth control (aka not getting a period every month) was the best thing I've ever done for myself. It's improved my quality of life immeasurably and allowed me to be a real person again. Having a week every month where you're in pain, whether physical and emotional, isn't normal. But even if it was... wouldn't you want to avoid that if possible? It's "normal" to get headaches, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take paracetamol when it happens. Of course your mom cares about you and wants what's best for you, but it seems that in this situation, she might be misinformed about what's normal, and what the potential benefits and risks of starting medication are.

In terms of what to do, I would speak with a doctor about your particular symptoms. It sounds like you may be experiencing premenstrual dysphoric disorder. PMDD affects somewhere between 2-6% of people who menstruate. The symptoms can include mood swings, irritability, anger, anxiety/tension, difficulty concentrating, decreased interest in usual activities, lethargy/lack of energy, changes in appetite, changes in sleep patterns, feeling overwhelmed or out of control, and physical symptoms (such as breast tenderness or swelling, joint or muscle pain, and a sensation of bloating). If you do have PMDD, the first line of treatment is typically SSRIs.

SSRIs are an anti-depressant. In the case of people with PMDD, instead of being taken daily, they're taken only when you're in the pre-menstrual phase of your cycle. People with PMDD who take SSRIs report a 50% alleviation of symptoms. SSRIs are generally considered to be safe (and the risks and side effects are lessened if you're only taking them for a week or two per month). About 13.2% of adults in the US are prescribed an SSRI. It may take a few tries to find the one that works best for you.

Another common treatment for menstrual issues is the ethinyl estradiol/drospirenone pill, one of the types of pills we commonly think of as "birth control". By preventing the body from ovulating, changes in hormones are prevented as well. The health risks of birth control pills are lower than those from pregnancy and birth. However, serious side effects from birth control pills do exist, although they are rare. These include blood clots and strokes. If you're a smoker, are at increased risk for blood clots, have cardiovascular disease, have advanced diabetes, have cirrhosis of the liver, or have migraines with an aura, you made be at increased risk for serious side effects from taking birth control pills. On the flip side, the lifetime risk of ovarian, colorectal, and endometrial cancer is reduced in people who take birth control.

(On a side note, if you're taking hormonal birth control for any reason, having a "period" every month is not medically necessary. The bleeding you experience is breakthrough bleeding rather than a period. The placebo pills exist because the inventor of birth control, John Rock, was hoping the Catholic Church would approve of birth control if women kept their "natural" cycle". They didn't approve).

At the end of the day, there's no medical treatment that's 100% free of risk, and that's why you should talk to your doctor about your options. All things you can do in your life, all day, every day, carry some kind of risk. The real question is whether the risk is worth the benefit, and how to reduce the risks present in the decisions that you make. Your doctor can also help your mom to understand the risks and benefits of starting medication and to help her make a more informed decision.

Last thing. Depending on where you are in the world, you may be able to access birth control or other forms of healthcare without your parents knowing. I'm not suggesting that's necessarily the right move for you, but I do want you to know that's an option. In the US, your student health center or local Planned Parenthood is a good resource if you can't see your primary care doctor on your own.