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#my back is like majorly fucked up
mirroredmemoriez · 4 months
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Feeling like this anytime I have to arch my back to stretch
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bizarrelittlemew · 2 months
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i still can't get over that HR fucked up so badly that i just suddenly owed $10,000. despite me calling attention to the error in december. which they proceeded to do nothing about for 6 months
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I think my least favorite thing on the internet is how quick people are to call characters toxic just because they don't like them.
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redhotarsenic · 3 months
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Many many irl things are happening at the moment that’s why I’ve been gone for so long terribly sorry for that 💀
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parin-gurumin · 3 months
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Although I don't particularly care about popularity or receiving attention, due to the nature of how my experience on twitter has been like these past few years, I have always enjoyed the Tumblr experience far more than any other platform. People are far more likely to interact by means of overall reblogging and adding comments in the tags, it's very sweet and motivating.
I came back to homestuck after A DECADE because of me having a rough, mentally and emotionally draining week because my impulsive thinking was like, "Hey man, fuck it, how far into Homestuck do you think I can read before I get help. (from discord support for context)" I had never actually read it when I was a kid because I just didn't have the attention span and willpower to read through SO much dialogue. I only ever interacted with it by means of just celebrating it as a fan who never actually read it, but liked it nonetheless. Of course now that I am a grown ass adult who can make their own conscious decisions and actually has the time and whatever to actually both appreciate AND enjoy reading extensively I am enjoying homestuck way more than I ever did before. I know that because of the death of flash (fuckin rip, dude, AWFUL) and extensive information about Hussie (TO PUT IT LIGHTLY) have since made getting into the comic a bit of a hassle and a choice it makes me wish I had actually read it at its best performance.
But, back on topic, twitter and other socials have the tendency to be particularly attached to trend hopping and sticking with what's currently doing numbers. Because, again, I don't care about dabbling in trends I just do what I want and ultimately that causes people to just not care about what I create. I have grown very apathetic towards my art and due to academic trauma from having been in a private art college with a low acceptance rate I have been in art burn out hell for literal years. The mix of both nobody caring about my art and my own rocky broken relationship with art made me extremely unmotivated yet long for the joys of creation once more.
Whenever I post here specifically it brings me joy again, it makes me realize that YES PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO CARE ABOUT AND ENJOY WHAT I MAKE NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY BE AND ITS CURRENT POPULARITY. I'm very happy seeing the same faces in the likes and/or rbs for my posts. I'm very happy seeing the same person revisit and reblog it for a second time or more. I'm very happy with how close and genuine it feels. (in a non-parasocial way) I'm just glad that despite this site being in a perpetual state of uncertainty, run by a skeleton crew, functions like shit, current CEO is a moron and the site is set to sail until it dies naturally it became the most genuine feeling of the social platforms ESPECIALLY for art.
I know this has gotten very longwinded and is essentially chaotic practically emotional rambling but like, thank you!!!!!!!!!
I have more stuff to come and from the bottom of my heart genuinely appreciate everyone's support here, it actually means the world to me. THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!!!
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MY OLD ART BTW!!!!!! anything that's not in that small 2021 corner is 2013-early 2014
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pepprs · 11 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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sh5 · 1 year
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just told my parents never to contact me again over something relatively minor moment!
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anothermonikan · 1 month
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Today's one W: playing viddy games with friends actually cleared my processes a bit and it was revealed to me what was bothering me so badly. So I then decided that what was bothering me was actually really silly and decided I shouldn't be bothered by it anymore because there's nothing I can do about it. Yay <3
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caffeinatedopossum · 2 years
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Me: well I don't have any counting compulsions
Also me: (anytime I have to count anything) *recounts it at least 3 times because I think I counted it right... probably. but now I'm not sure and I have to check*
#i dont think i considered this might not be normal until just now#this might actually be why physically sitting down to fill out a math sheet is torture to my soul#but i also know math just fine. its just the anxiety about counting things wrong#its worse when theres physical things involved though like when im cooking because im convinced#that im gonna majorly fuck up#idk if this is normal or not but i straight up count to 5. normally and correctly. and then suspevt i was wrong#and have to redo it again and again until i get so frustrated that i have to convince myself whatever it fucks up cant be that bad#i think it would be a big problem if i was counting something important or anything at a higher number though#but thankfully the most important thing i count is cups of rice that go into my rice cooker lol#also still doubting wether i have ocd or not but goddamn. the word 'probably' has single handedly impacted my brain chemistry forever#i think... probably :')#god forbid i be sure of anything ever#lmao oof i just remembered some things. time for a small tags trauma rant i guess#so I remember never being sure of anything ever as a kid. for some reason i was so anxious and unsure#that the only thing i thought i knew to be true for sure was my faith in my religion#lol needless to say... i deconverted at 16-17#now idk for real man. i was wrong about the only thing i was certain of#not sure how to recover from that#obviously im never going back to that religion. it was so incredibly harmful idk if i could even put it into words#but at the same time... im not sure why i doubt everything#or more accurately im not sure how everyone else DOESN'T#how can they be so self assured? how can they know anything? how are they#how is anyone so sure of something that theyre just at peace with never thinking about it or doubting it or questioning it#ive never had that i dont think
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socialprawn · 1 year
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floral-hex · 1 year
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Thought I’d get out for the night, so I’ve been sitting in this gaming lounge for the last hour and it’s… meh. Ordered an overpriced milkshake, just kind of hanging out. Honestly, I’d rather play games by myself at home than deal with whatever’s going on here. Well… it was worth a shot 😒
#haha this sucks#it’s hot and boring and I’m annoyed#only came bc my therapist has been bugging me to get out and try to be social#but… like… I’m a hater. I’m about to hate on some people… even if I wanted to be social there’s no one here I would ever talk to#the dudes that hang out at places like this are not the kind of people I make small talk with#tbf talking to dudes irl is majorly unappealing to me#what do we talk about? their favorite marvel character? guns? vin diesel? I dunno. I’m lost.#also ordered a milkshake that took them 30 minutes to make which I mean I’m amenable I’m cool and relaxed#but it’s literally just me getting anything to eat or drink back here the whole time so I dunno 🤷🏻‍♂️#dropped my brother off here so he could play in a Smash Bros tournament so it’s not a total waste#god I’m whiny#I need to just leave#I’m sure I could have had a better time but tbh I’m tired and already had a negative outlook on this before even showing up#video game lounge sounds cool but it’s like $10 an hour#and I dunno I have no desire to spend cash to play some new game I’m unfamiliar with in public or whatever#now if it was an arcade I would be so psyched. but no it’s like rent an Xbox for an hour kind of deal#just gonna go home get fucked up and play fallout and I’ll be so fucking content l#writing all this down so I can remember what to whine about in therapy next week#ok yeah this was doomed to not be my style. that’s fair. maybe look for a D&D group in the area or something instead#okay lemme stop complaining and just leave#I love you. I’m bored. and I’m dying. and I’m bored.#goodbye forever#text
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distantwave · 2 years
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#just reread all of our texts from when everything went down bc I felt like being in a bad mood evidently but#god it pisses me off to no end how she fucking handled everything. like I know it’s obvious she was going through something and just#using me as an outlet or something and projecting things onto me but still. fucking DAMN dude what WAS that#looking back I do actually think I handled it literally as best as I could’ve. but shit still sucks dude! I hate that this is how it went!!#reading my pleas to talk to her in person followed up a week later with .I’m going to rip the bandaid off since u brushed over everything#MOTHER FUCKER YOU DIDNT EVEN GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO BRUSH IT OFF YOU WOUDKNT SPEAK TO ME!!! FUCK!!#had talked to my therapist at the time about it a tad but the fact that this event has happened multiple times has majorly fucked with me#had asked her what I’m doing that people consistently refuse to talk to me about things until it boils over and our relationship ends#abruptly and violently every time. I mean EVERY time!! this is the third time it’s happened!! obviously I’m doing something!!#and I’m so scared of it ever happening again. this was definitely the worst it’s ever been but I can’t go through that again I can’t I cant#I love the friends I have now so so so dearly they are such amazing people and I don’t think they would do something like that to me#and it would be cruel of me to think they would even be capable of it either#but it really seems like there is some part of me that is so overwhelmingly unbearable that given enough time I have the capability to just#push people over the edge. and I don’t know what to change about myself to ensure it doesn’t happen bc I don’t know why it happens#and I’m constantly terrified of losing them but I don’t want to be overbearing or like? manipulative or some shit and constantly ask for#reassurance bc that seems like it would get old fast#but also there are things I want/need to talk to like. someone about and idk if I need to just save it for a therapist and not bring it up#otherwise bc it’s. like heavy stuff I guess. and it had felt good to be able to talk about things with just a friend previously but I know#the fact that I did that played a part in what happened. but I really need to talk to someone about any of it#and I don’t know how to do so without just spewing everything out at once and just completely overstepping boundaries I guess#and I hate that she’s the only one who knows everything. there are so many things that took me so long to open up to people about and she’s#the only person who knows EVERYTHING. and it’s unbearable. it actually is. I don’t know how to start over. in a way that’s healthy for#eveyone involved. but I know it’s also bad to keep everything from people#idk when reading her texts she kept bringing up that it felt like I never trusted her or let her do anything for me. and I see where she#was coming from. but at the same time I thought I leaned on her so much. I guess I’m realizing I’ve never actually had a healthy#friendship/relationship that’s lasted before. that’s really fucking sad lmao. I’m genuinely a shitty person a bit I think#euuugghhhh okay enough is enough I guess
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digirainebow · 2 years
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watching a streamer play p3 fes and im starting to think i had the right idea only ever playing the femc route
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ironmanstan · 2 years
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So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this
#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book#fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary.#like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before#everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like#i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated?#i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it..#its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ???????#u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment#but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd????#my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up#WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID#even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL#HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY#stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult#its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes#but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college#bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done#now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling#to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk.#its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright#and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!!#crazy...#the gamer speaks uwu
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catlingghoul · 1 month
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ame-to-ame · 3 months
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oh. hm.
#i had a realization today and now i feel so absolutely horrible.#when i was out w friends today one of them wasn't having a good time and stepped out for a moment#and in the back i could hear the other 2 whispering to each other basically abt how she's been like this last time they hung out too#the consensus unspoken was that there was sth off. but they kinda just kept moving along. i stepped out for a bit bc i felt like idk.#she's out alone on the streets someone has to make sure she's okay right.#when I'm back one of them goes oh i was just wondering where you were. as if everything is normal.#after a bit of wandering around in the store the other goes oh where is xxx? as if we weren't all there when she said she's gonna step out.#as if they didn't discuss her behavior right after.#and it suddenly reminded me of when i found my ex with her head buried in her hands when i was gone for a bit.#and i was like oh what's going on and the other 2 there were just chatting and one of them just is like idk she's sleeping.#She Was Crying. I was so. idk. i was panicking i was so worried. And I was so mad too bc how could they not notice a friend being unwell??#and i hated myself for it bc it was my fault for leaving her there and i had her id and it was really my fault and i wouldn't have known#i wouldn't have known that. idk. i thought she was left with people who were her friends who should then pay attention to her wellbeing#idk i. i would have trusted my friends to take care of or at least be aware of how i feel.#but we left for a bit and nobody even noticed. what happened. someone even texted asking where did we go.#and idk it's just the same thing i just realized and connected the dots. they will pay lip service. they will tell u they care abt u.#and they will echo it among themselves oh i worry abt xxx is xxx okay oh yeah xxx has been acting like this as if it actually does anything.#and nobody will actually make sure later on. that she is actually. doing fine. that they can do what's good for her atm.#and God. I'm just realizing that. idk. i. i wish i could've been a better support for my ex if she really had needed it at the time. idk.#i was just listening to what other ppl were telling me. but i. i didn't think it through. if these are the ppl she has for support.#if they didn't care to make me feel cared for. if they didn't care to check if she was okay back then. idk i. God.#oh God. what if i fucked up majorly. god. oh god. idk i just thought they treated me like that bc thry we're mad at me#but what if it's. not a me issue. and i shouldn't have trusted that other ppl would take care of her. bc they aren't. trustworthy in that.#ugh but at the same time. she asked for space from me. what else was i supposed to assume than that she didn't want me around?#at the very very least at least I'm sure her family loves her a lot and will care for her and make sure she's okay. god. i hope so.#idk!! i care but in my position i don't think me caring or wanting to help does anything. she doesn't want my support. she doesn't want me.#idk it's something wrong w me probably i genuinely don't know. she's the one telling me she's worried I'm pushing ppl away so.#it's not behavior she condones ig so it makes no sense if she does it herself if she believed i was good for/to her but still pushed me away#so in conclusion There's gotta be something that i fucked up There's gotta be sth wrong w me but i. god. i.#i have so much to nitpick with myself i genuinely don't even know if I'm a good measure or judge of what i did wrong or right.
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