#my autism has been interfering with my other autism

[batbill]

sorry for extreme lack of batbillcember ive just

1. been playing batman Arkham shadow on my new vr headset (oopsie)

2. haven’t felt like drawing in a bit

I’ll get it back on track asap!

[crystal-pvp]

Do you think there's a difference between the effects of Lesser Divinity and the weapon Lux used to ULTRAKILL Diansu Invictus? Because if so, I'd love to know what the difference between The Mason's death and "recycling" and Diansu's existence being repurposed.

(Also do you think it's possible the Vivaelysium/nanobots used for the Invictus Assembly could've interfered with the Charter? He did say they'd eat him alive if he ran out of power, after all-and I get the feeling that wasn't a throwaway line. (I'm not trying to insinuate he could still be alive, by the way: I've accepted Diansu is dead. just think the Nanobots eating the user when they're low on power could potentially have some... Interesting Side-effects on Charter. What do you think?))

That's a great question, and something I have been wondering myself. I don't think I'll be able to be confident in my opinion on that until we get to see Lux's POV of obtaining and using the Dusk Epitaph. We know what the Lesser Divinity is supposed to do, as it was explained in Winsweeps video and we see it be used firsthand. I would assume the Dusk Epitaph to just be an extremely powerful weapon Lux needed to acquire in order to have a chance of winning the fight, but due to the fact that Diansu did not immediately die when taken to 0 hearts, and instead was trapped in golden chains, leads me to believe the Dusk Epitaph to have some other purpose.

It could simply be that it is another permakill item and nothing more, but the fact that this chain stasis effect did not happen to anyone killed with the Lesser Divinity, I don't want to assume that they have exactly the same purpose and/or effect.

Interestingly, the way Diansu dies is more (visually) similar to the Masons death than the deaths of Void and Zombie to the Lesser Divinity. I don't have much to say about this observation, but unless Diansu has, unbeknownst to us, previously dealt with the Seven, I see no easy answer as to why they bare such a resemblance.

If I had to guess I would at least say that the two weapons are similar. They did (presumably) come from the same source, after all. Both weapons also create similar light beam effects when used, but that could very well just be due to the tools used to make the mods, as well as wanting all the charter items to keep a similar vibe/color scheme.

Additionally, the death messages from the 2 items are not exactly the same, so this could also be evidence that they cause different effects upon use.

Dusk Epitaph death message:

Lesser Divinity death message:

Regardless of the intended effects of each weapon, what happened to the Mason after death was not related to the weapon which killed him. I don't think we can really compare those two instances, as the Masons fate was (I believe) due to his dealings with the Seven, not the weapon used to kill him.

(Quick sidenote, but I am so sure that the Soulcleave Glaive (the Masons weapon) causes the same death message as the Dusk Epitaph, but I cannot for the life of me find an instance of the message in any videos, and am too lazy to go re-download Mason Decor to find out for myself. However, if I am remembering correctly, I feel it is a noteworthy observation to include.)

As for the question about the nanobots, I'm assuming by "charter" you mean items from the Charter mod like the Dusk Epitaph. But if not, sorry mb </3

Personally, I don't think the nanobots would have any more effect than the fact that Diansu is literally just a robot. I don't know how distinct the divide between a machine and a living being with a "soul" is, or what that would mean for things like permakilling etc etc.

I wish I had more to say on this part, but I am quite literally just the Mason guy. I unfortunately struggle to remember much of any other lore, the only thing letting me retain so much information about the Mason is my pinboard that I can look back on, and a touch of autism-fueled obsession.

[spiderfangirl22]

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (Yandere! Keanu x Reader)

PS: Yes I’m going to be putting actors into some of roles because this is an AU

And A/N: I have Autism I was diagnosed when I was fourteen same as reader so reader is kind of me. And unfortunately my home life isn’t great I’m 25 years old and I had a job at longhorn which I loved but I was told I was interfering with the waiters jobs I was helping them by grabbing drinks and refilling stuff.

And my family treats me basically like Rudolph.

Oh and another thing when I tell my family after they get annoyed when I don’t tell them shit. When I finally do tell them they say (You’re crazy, or you’re being dramatic.

And also I’ve had suicidal thoughts before and tried to bring it up but they keep saying I’m over reacting. Unfortunately I have cut myself before. So they will be some scenes in story about past self harm. I just feel hopeless but writing and drawing help me in a way cope. I’m basically treated like the villain

Chapter 2: Meeting Him

“Are You Fucking With Me Right Now?!”The sound of Jocylen screaming over the phone, made Y/N wince at how loudly her friend was screaming right into her ear drum, she just knew she was going to have major migraine for the rest of the day. “For Keanu Fucking Reeves?! Out of all the celebrities you got the hot one!”

Y/N, slightly chuckled at Jocylen’s reaction. Yes Keanu Reeves the hot one, as Y/N loved to call him whenever she and Jocylen along with Daniel, had watched the Matrix movies.

When Y/N had gotten back to her hotel room, she all but dialed her friends number, not knowing how to take this information in. It was one hell of a shock to her. Not to mention she would have to move to Los Angeles, instead of living with her Mother, and get ridiculed by her family about how bad Los Angeles was, and tease her for moving to the worst state in history.

But with the pay and the free Apartment and only a few blocks away from Keanu Reeves House, Y/N could finally start living on her home and have the freedom she always dreamed of.

After Losing her last job despite working there with everything she had to give. Someone just didn’t like her. And didn’t know if it had to do with her having autism. Yes Autism or Asperger’s to be precise, is what she had been diagnosed with at the age of fourteen years old.

And after that day her family started treating her differently, at least she knows how Rudolph felt when it was discovered he had a red nose.

Her grandparents always told her to tell the manager during an interview that has autism to get sympathy and possibly the job. Y/N absolutely hated using her Autism as a way to get something, she always tried to push it out of her mind and try to forget she even had it to begin with.

The only Person she was close to was her mother, who had done everything she could to help her daughter. And she knew her mother wouldn’t give her a hard time about moving to Los Angeles.

“Y/N? You there?” Jocylen’s voice startled Y/Ns inner thoughts and the women instantly replied back 

“Y-Yeah, sorry lost in thought,” Y/N replied with an uneasy chuckle, being embarrassed at having been caught not listening, she then looked at the folder ,Regina, had given her to look through which contained her schedule and the duties as Mr.Reeves personal assistant, biting her lip she nodded, what’s a little studying before the real thing, so she quickly interrupted Jocylen. “Is it okay if I call you back later today? I want to look through my schedule and duties for this week.”

Jocylen chuckled on the other end of the line, “You better,” She replied jokingly, “Oh I can’t wait to tell Daniel.” She happily cheered as she hung up her phone.

Y/N chuckled her her friends Enthusiasm, before reaching over to grab the discarded folder and pulled it towards herself as she laid on her bed trying to get comfortable.

“Okay, Mr.Reeves, let’s see what you have for me to do.” Y/N replied before opening the folder and looking through her schedule which was 35-40 Hours per week (Hmm not bad) she always wanted to work full time. 

But what confused her was the lack of duties she had to do for him. Hmm…Maybe Regina could explain. 

As if Regina was some sort of mind reader, Y/Ns phone rang, and recognizing the ringtone as she put for Regina, Y/N quickly grabbed her phone after putting the folder aside and answered the call.

“Regina, is there something wrong?” Y/N asked and she could her the older women chuckle on the other end.

”No problems dear,” Regina replied softly, “But there has been a switch in plans, instead of having you meet Mr.Reeves in person on Friday. He would rather you come meet him today, as he doesn’t want to make you feel overwhelmed by his presence, he would rather you feel welcomed and comfortable on your first day.”

Y/N’s mouth all but dropped open in complete shock at the news. “T-That’s perfect!” She exclaimed with glee much to the older women’s amusement. “Just let me call an Uber and-“

”There’s no need,” Regina replied cutting her off. “Mr. Reeves has sent out his driver to come pick you up, Jeff is already waiting outside the hotel for you.”

If Y/N had been in a cartoon her eyes would have bulged out of her sockets and onto the floor at her shock. She quickly got out her bed but making sure to keep her phone locked between her shoulder and ear so she could reply back.

”I’m on my way.” Y/N replied and after an awesome from Regina, Y/N hung up and got her crocs on before grabbing her bag and apartment key card, as well as her phone before all but dashing down to the first floor of the hotel. Almost knocking into people and receiving looks from them.

Not caring for their judgement, Y/N opened the hotel doors and was greeted by a 5’9 man who was not muscled at all much to her surprise as she had thought celebrities always went with the heavily muscled drivers but apparently not, Mr. Reeves.

But what shocked her was the car it was a beautiful 2020 Ford Mustang. It was a beautiful blue and it looked like it had been recently washed.

Briskly walking over to him, Y/N offered him a shy smile. “Hi, I’m Y/N, And you’re Jeff Right?”

Jeff nodded with a smile, before opening the backseat door for her, “Please take your seat Ms. L/N” he replied, and Y/N quickly climbed in, and took a deep inhale, just as Jeff closed her door, she loved the smell of new cars, she quickly put her seatbelt on just as Jeff returned to the drivers seat.

Y/N laid her head back against the comfortable leather, and looked out the window, as Jeff pulled out of the hotel entrance and onto the busy Los Angeles road.

Y/N closed her eyes and pinched herself trying to see if she was dreaming and she wasn’t much to her relief, it had been around twenty min or so when Y/N leaned forward and smiled at Jeff.

”So um, Jeff, how long have you been Mr.Reeves Driver?” Y/N asked curiously, want to know how long the man have been working for Mr.Reeves.

Jeff gave Y/N A sincere smile before replying, “Four years starting today,” Y/Ns mouth all but dropped open in shock and she started to stutter out trying to reply but Jeff Chuckled at her shock. “Don’t worry, I get that a lot.”

Y/N For her part was shocked that this man has Mr. Reeves driver for so long, Maybe he could tell her, but he’s like, Yes over the years, Y/N has heard nothing But good things about Mr.Reeves but maybe she could ask what Jeff thought about him.

”If you don’t mind me asking, What do you think about about Mr. Reeves?” Y/N asked curiosity getting the best of her.

Jeff all but smiled, “He’s a very down-to-earth, man, He will always try to help you even if he’s really busy,” he replied softly, “Heck, I was just a nobody, until  Mr. Reeves found me.”

Y/N was shocked and looked at Jeff in sympathy at saying he was a nobody. “No one‘s ever a nobody,” she all but growled but realized she had sounded angry and apologized quickly.

Jeff chuckled, “You remind me so much of Mr. Reeves already,” He replied keeping his eyes on the road. “Did you know I used to be homeless? I was lucky enough to encounter Mr.Reeves himself on a walk that day. And he actually stopped to see if I was okay, and he offered me a job and a room in his mansion, Mr. reeves is too good for this world.”

Y/N was shocked at this information but Before she could comment on it Jeff had pulled up to a giant white gate, She watched as Jeff quickly pulled out a card from his breast pocket and the camera scanned it and the gates opened revealing a beautiful house with a garden and looked to be polished marble, and Y/N smiled as she saw Regina waiting patiently for them with a clipboard in hand.

“You should see you face,” Jeff chuckled as he pulled up to the entrance of Mr. Reeves house. Y/N blushed in embarrassment before unbuckling her seatbelt, and opening her car door before Jeff could reach her.

”Thanks for the ride, Mr-“ Y/N paused not knowing his last name but Jeff all but smiled and waved her off.

”Just Call me Jeff,” He replied with a smile before heading back into the car to pull it back into Mr. Reeves garagez

Y/N was surprised that Mr. Reeves wasn’t out here. As if sensing her inner thoughts, Regina smiled.

“If you’re looking for Mr. Reeves, he’s in an online meeting right now. ,” she replied softly, before grasping Y/Ns hand through her free one and started to lead her up the stairs . “As much as Mr. Reeves wanted to be here to greet you formally, he had something to do with his company with arch.”

Y/N nodded in I’m understanding already, knowing what arch was, “It’s fine, but I was wondering if I could have a tour?” Y/N asked shyly and Regina smiled as she opened the front door after letting Y/Ns hand go.

”Why of course why do you think I’m here,” Regina chuckled, and Y/Ns eyes popped wide open at the inside of Mr. Reeves House. It wasn’t ginormous, much to her relief but it was so beautiful inside. 

Polished marble, plants, vases, pictures of famous bands on the walls (Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Scorpion) she was so entranced by the walls that Regina had to grab her harm and gently guided her to the next room.

Regina paused before opening the door and gave Y/N a smile, “It’s a good thing you love books, Ms. L/N,” Regina softly replied with a smirk, “Because we have just the room for that.”

Opening the door, Y/Ns breath left her at the sight of the huge library lined with hundreds no thousands maybe millions of books aligned against the walls.

Y/N then noticed an older looking man probably around his early 70s putting up what appeared to be a new shelf for more books, standing a very tall ladder, Y/N shuddered at the height having hated heights since she was little, it was even a miracle she managed to not freak the fuck out everytime she went on an airplane.

Especially the long flight she had from Florida to California, Five fucking hours long, she just listening to some Asmar and put her to sleep for the last three hours.

Y/N was so lost in thought that Regina had to gently shake her arm to get her attention. “Sorry,” Y/N replied embarrassed again.

Regina smiled softly before she looked down at her clipboard, “Why don’t you go pick out a book while I go and get Mr. Reeves, his meeting should be done by now.”

Y/N nodded enthusiastically and quickly rushed to the nearest bookshelf, hoping to find her latest new series obsession to start on, while Regina smiled and left the room in search of Mr. Reeves.

Y/N was able to find a book, one she’s heard about but has never read, ‘The Lord Of The Rings’ By J.R.R Tolkien. She was surprised Keanu loved these types of books, and it spoke a lot about his personality.

As Y/N took a seat on the elegant long couch, she started to read, and was only on the third page when she heard a slight crash, she immediately looked up and was horrified at what she saw, the man who had been trying to put a new shelf in the library had dropped his hammer and was now struggling not to fall from the ladder.

Y/N instantly dropped the book, not noticing it land on the floor, as she sped over and desperately held onto the ladder to make sure the older man didn’t fall. 

“Are you alright Sir?” Y/N called looking up at the man who was now slowly coming down the ladder.

The man quickly took a deep breath and nodded with a smile, “Thanks to you young one,” He replied softly as he finally reached the floor. “It seems no one but you and Keanu care about other people and their safety it would seem.”

Y/N smiled trying to stop the blush, as she hesitantly let go of the ladder. “It was nothing sir I-“

”I wouldn’t call that nothing,” A very familiar deep soothing voice replied softly, Y/N slowly looked and was shocked to see Regina standing there with…Keanu Reeves himself, who was dressed in one of his arch shirts and pair of plain jeans and shoes. 

Y/N blushed at his praise, “I barely did anything Mr-“

“Keanu,” Keanu Replied, as he slowly walked towards her, easily Towering over her with his 6’1 height. “Please call me Keanu,” He replied softly before taking her hand and pressing a delicate kiss to the back of it, his beard tickled her and she shuddered at the feeling. “And you must be the Y/N I keep hearing so much about.”

Y/N blushed before she remembered the poor man that almost fell from the ladder. But nodded at Keanu in confirmation, gently she took the older man’s hand in hers and looked to see if he was hurt anywhere.

”Are you sure you’re OK?” Y/N asked softly, not noticing how Keanu smiled in adoration towards her.

The man smiled softly, “I’m fine now Miss, thanks to you,” the man replied softly before turning his attention to Keanu who was still smiling at Y/N. “I’m sorry Keanu, I don’t know what happened.”

Keanu took his attention off from Y/N and towards his friend. “Bernard, how many times have I told you that I was planning to to that myself,” Keanu sighed softly, “And especially when you’re not feeling well? I want you to go in the guest room and rest for awhile, hell even a day or two. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Y/N felt her heart flutter at how much Keanu cared about his workers, and watched as Bernard gave Keanu a small hug before he made his way towards what’s she guessed was the guest bedroom but not before giving her a thankful nod.

”So, miss L/N,” Keanu Replied softly, his deep soothing voice causing her to shiver. “Tell me about yourself 

PS: This is an AU so Keanus house won’t be the same as his real one. I love Freddie Highmore and Morgan Freeman.

KEANUS HOUSE + His Library

[attorney-anon-offtopic]

Flare Audio Calmer vs. Loop Quiet

I’ve been experimenting with earplugs. The two I’ve tried are the Calmer earplugs made by Flare Audio, and the Quiet earplugs made by Loop. For the record, no one paid me for this - I got the Calmer earplugs as a gift, and bought the Quiet with my own money, so this is entirely my own opinion.

About Me:

Before I get into the comparison, just to give an overview of me/my needs/what I was looking for and prioritizing:

I’m a family law attorney, who was diagnosed with autism a couple months ago. The majority of the time, the biggest presentation of my autism is sensory; relevantly, I have a lot of issues with loud (and especially sudden loud) noises, which often make me feel physically ill for a few minutes afterwards

I'm easily startled by sudden increases in volume; I struggle quite a bit to regain focus when I’m startled.

Stress (like working in family law) makes my sensory issues noticeably worse.

Because I’m part of a firm, rather than a solo practitioner, it’s helpful for me to be able to understand someone speaking to me even before I can get my earplugs out, because I don't always notice someone walking in my office door.

I also have a social circle that occasionally results in me winding up in places I wouldn’t necessarily go on my own, such as arcades or children's event centers.

At my new workplace, I share a wall with a mediator (not a member of my firm) whose mediation style involves a lot of yelling. Spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week trying to cope with this has made my noise sensitivity quite a bit worse, both at work and away from the office.

Calmer by Flare Audio

The most immediate, best thing I can say about the Calmer earplugs is that they are the most comfortable earplugs I've ever worn. I regularly forget I have these in when I'm wearing them.

These also don't impede conversation at all; that's likely due to their open design, because they don't really quiet much noise at all - they just make otherwise-exasperating noises a little more tolerable. I suspect that their design also prevents any occlusion effects; I don't hear

As far as sudden loud noises go, they still startle me, but not as bad. When the mediator next door starts shouting, I find that it's easier for me to get back on task, and the effect it has on my mood is far shorter-lived.

I find that this is my earplug of choice for most restaurants as well, because they lower my noise-related stress levels without interfering with me listening to the conversation at my table. The other unexpected benefit is that these do stop me from getting as distracted by "white noise" sources, like fans or appliances - which helps when I'm trying to order at the cafeteria in my office building. I can't quite pinpoint what exactly they're doing here, because I can still hear those noises, I just focus on people's voices a little more readily.

The downside, of course, is that they don't quiet much noise at all. For louder settings (like arcades), I find that they don't quite cut it - they might stop me from having a complete meltdown, but I'm not "comfortable" with the noise level by any stretch.

The other thing that I run into with these is that, after several hours of wear, these make my ear canals itchy. I can usually deal with the itchiness by just taking them out, wiping them off, and flushing out my ears with a little bit of cold water, so it's not day-ruining by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a thing. I also find that they trap a little bit of earwax on the inside, which can be a pain to clean.

Also, Flare sells little keychain capsules to hold these. That's great and all, but I should warn you that the capsule is made entirely of metal except for a little rubber o-ring. If the sound of metal on metal makes your skin crawl, maybe look elsewhere for a case.

Loop Quiet

Ooooh man, these make things quiet, alright. If I have these in, the mediator can yell as much as he wants and it's not going to startle or disrupt me. I can barely hear myself type when I'm wearing these. They're perfect for when I've already reached the point of overstimulation and I just need the world to shut up for five seconds.

They're not exactly earplugs I would hold a conversation in, personally - I have trouble regulating my own volume when I have them in. But, I can usually make out the words of people talking directly to me before I take them out, which saves me from having to ask anyone to repeat themselves.

They're also pretty comfy; I definitely notice I have them in, but they don't make my ears itch the way the Calmer earplugs do. They're a bit harder to clean because they're two pieces (the tips come off of the base), but they also don't appear to attract as much ear wax as the Calmer earplugs.

I'm also a fan of the case - it's plastic, not metal, which is good for my particular noise preferences, and it stays closed reasonably well for being a snap closure instead of a screw-top.

For louder environments, these are the BOMB. I took them to an arcade recently and was able to quiet things down enough to zen out at one of the machines. It also made hearing people who were talking to me easier, as they muffled the noise from the machines so that the voices were easier to pick out.

The only real downside to these earplugs is the occlusion effect. For me, personally, it's not too bad if I'm just sitting still and working, but it is somewhat distracting if I'm eating or moving around (even just walking).

My Preferences

Somewhat predictably, these are two very different earplugs for two very different situations, and personally, it helps me to have both in my arsenal. Right now, I have both of them clipped onto the same keyring as my AirPod Pros, and I switch between them throughout the day as needed.

I've ordered a set of Loop Experience earplugs; my hope is that they'll provide a middle ground between the two, but we'll see how that goes.

[lucysweatslove]

Tw for some ED-related talk. However it’s not under a readmore because it’s not anything directly related to ED behavior or hugely specific things- it’s more talking about my experience now and reflecting on triggers.

I talk about it all the time (because it’s been a huge life goal), but I start school again in July. It’s been a long time coming, and part of this was because I didn’t feel right applying before I was healthy / recovered. I’ve known that scholastic type things trigger me for various reasons, and I felt wrong applying before I was in a really good place where I could handle those triggers without it interfering with school.

And that’s also partly why I did my master’s degree- it was my first time in school since recovery, and I think I needed to prove to myself that I can do it. I can be on the same campus as I would be in med school, in the same buildings, surrounded by the same type of people, and be fine. And I was! And I kicked ass! And now I start the next chapter and will hopefully also be fine and kick ass!

Buuuuut.

Last night reminded me that my triggers aren’t ever going to be gone. I can be fully weight restored, in a plus-size body, not engaging in any intentional low-calorie restriction with plans for huge weight loss, and I’ll still be triggered. I still have body dissatisfaction and some automatic thoughts that are disordered, even if am not actually acting on them.

The autism and ADHD diagnoses have allowed me to look through my triggers with a slightly different lens. I’m not saying my neurodivergence caused my eating disorder, but I have learned that high levels of social interactions are very triggering for me. I think this is related to me desperately wanting to control how others perceive me. The short of it: the neurodivergence already makes some of the way I interact seem socially “wrong”/not socially acceptable*. Bodies are also heavily policed- shape and size and the clothes you wear and makeup and whatever. Since my shape and size has always been a target for bullying/othering (I believe in part as a proxy for the social things kids couldn’t quite verbalize), it’s a major insecurity for how people will perceive me as a whole. Like, I knew I couldn’t just magically be better at social things, so past ED me had this idea that if I was just a bit thinner, more beautiful, I would be more “socially acceptable”* and people could overlook my social difficulties.

As I get closer to starting school, thinking about orientations and retreats and white coat ceremony and all the freaking pictures they seem to love to post all over the place, this is coming up again. Even sitting in a classroom- how am I going to be perceived? And patients? How will they perceive me? (To be clear: this came up in my master’s program, but it wasn’t too bad. Because of Covid, we had a lot of resources available online so I didn’t need to be in class most of the time.)

Of course there is more to it, like aspects of control (which, arguably, this is too- controlling something because I can’t control perceptions- but I mean more from the standpoint of there being so many uncertainties in school that I can’t always control for, something about the structure of it and the routines too, idk).

Anyway, all of this to say, I think I need some good supports in place NOW, but I’m not sure what exactly. My husband is great, but I’m NOT good at recognizing when I’m really slipping until it’s actively affecting multiple areas of my life, and I need to be able to recognize it earlier, before it fucks me over and I’m actually relapsing.

I have Recovery Record still on my phone so I did their two questionnaires (EPSI and EDE-Q) but they give results in terms of standard deviations from their population. But they do show a pattern of continued mental pathology even if I’m not acting on it. Which may be why I’ve felt the last 2-3 weeks especially like I’m slipping a little bit. (the EAT-26, which I’ve taken before and scored… much higher than cut off… is currently below cut off, which idk how to take that exactly because “sometimes” answers are worth 0 just like “rarely” and “always” but that doesn’t mean “sometimes” thoughts or behaviors are actually like… normal/not disordered).

It all just sucks rn. Like last night I was up kind of crying over all of it, but I’m not sure over what. Like, am I grieving my old body still? The way I could control and structure everything just right? The way I could just eat a fucking meal and even if I was internally dying over it people around me wouldn’t bat a fucking eye (but now every food I put in my mouth is scrutinized but OTHER people, even when they don’t see me eat. I’ve HEARD the judgments). Tbh it’s a weird dichotomy because I know I was miserable and could barely function but I also know it was helping me cope (just not in a positive way). And I honestly think I looked so much better and other people legit treated me so differently (better, kinder, less judgmental, I legit had thin privilege) and it just. It sucks to not have even that and now to go back into a similar situation. Ugh.

*Re: “acceptable” and body shape and size and socially acceptable as a whole. Women in general have expectations for how they can appear and interact with the world. Fat women aren’t thin and have some different expectations. Based on how fat women are portrayed in media, there seems to be a hidden message about which fat women get accepted by society. IYKYK.

[larrachan-official]

heyy! about the Fake Peppino/Pizza Tower AU, what is it about? like, I'm guessing based on your post is centered around Fake Peppino??

Hi!^^

Happy,that you want to know something about my Au(?)!

So. I'm not very good at storytelling, but I'll try to tell it the best way I can. KHM. So. Fake is not the one for whom the Au is made, but at the same time he is the main character. The essence of the plot of this Au in that it reveals the theme of what happened outside the events of the game.

According to my idea, Pizza Head was something like a scientist who experimented on bosses (Pepperman, The Noise, Fake Peppino, The Vigilante). BUT. For now, I will not talk about what I did with the bosses. All those experiments, torments that took place outside the walls of the Tower will probably be revealed in other posts, because I’m tired of writing here :_)

Fakey:

Fakey, in this Au is the main character who suffers from the initial stage of the Stockholm Syndrome. He himself did not know why he had this syndrome, because he is afraid of his creator, although at the same time he feels a strange and inexplicable sympathy for his tormentor. He cannot resist Pizza Head, which he actively uses: hugs, stroking, "friendly" attitude, attempts at "tenderness".

Pepperman:

Pepperman is a "narcissistic" artist who has also been pressured, like the others, by Pizza Head. He has rather low self-esteem, because of which he tries to assert himself at the expense of others. This happened due to the fact that when he was younger, all his work was subjected to severe insults from the Pizza Head himself, which belittled the work of Pepperman. Pepper did not have the opportunity to develop himself in art when the only thing he heard was “And you call this art?”, “How are you going to advance in life?”, “No one will like your under-creativity”, "How can a nonentity like you even open your mouth and talk about your work?" Nobody did not help him in his creative path and, on the contrary, trampled all his potential into the dirt.

The Noise+Noisette:

Noiz and Noisetta were conceived by Pizza Head as twins, but due to problems in creating twins, he made them different people, without family ties.

The development of ADHD and autism in Noyz quite strongly interfered with his perception of the world. Constant ignorance and lack of normal treatment made him look for adventures and activities for himself that could replace communication and society. After some time, sadism appeared, in relation to other creatures of Pizza Head.

Noisetta, surprisingly, was the least pressured and was able to develop as a normal creature. The only thing she had was overprotection towards Noiz and Fakey. She kept her from the moment when these two especially suffered a lot from Head Pizza, because she had to patch up their wounds and help them recover.

The Vigilante:

The Vigilante for all the time that he spent in the laboratory, got stronger, became stronger in spirit and no longer perceives Pizza Head's attempts to manipulate him as something really terrible. He knows how to respond to that, does not allow himself to be broken, protects other creatures and supports them after mental trauma that PH inflicts on those. He has no serious problems and does not develop, which helps him maintain his sanity and continue to adhere to his moral principles.

* * *

Ugh,GOD. Sorry that I didn’t answer, I wrote this for too long :(

Here I was able to describe only what the problem of each of the bosses is, but the whole AU is not only built on this. Its main concept is to show how such injuries affect the human ( and not only) the psyche, how they cope with it, as well as reveal the topic of what happened behind the walls of the Pizza Tower, talk about what happened after the events of the game, what path Pizza Headed and his creations went on, and also how PH in general Yes, this AU should be based on psychology and revealing the plot OUTSIDE of the game, which will be diluted with angst and a barely noticeable fluff (it's so small that I don't know why to write it), but I very much doubt that I can add this Au, because it also uses the topics of abuse, sexism, illegal experiments, police irresponsibility and bribery, lack of rights, inequality, lack of normal treatment in hospitals for the mentally ill, problems of the Stockholm syndrome.

Phew. I'm tired of writing all this :_<

Please, if you want to know more about this Au, say it and ask me about it!

I really want to know,do you like the idea and do you want to see more, it's very important for me.

Bye:)

[rin-and-jade]

hey again, it's the one who talked last time about not knowing if I was verbally abused. (you can call me Pop it's no secret really)

well not really but yes, I'm back with more questions and stuff.

so when I was little, a was basically mute. I barley remember talking, I literally didn't talk unless I was obligated or needed to.

because when I was little I just was left alone alot, I don't remember my mum being around honestly. I usually just stayed in a spot silently and played, for hours and hours. or watched tv for even longer.

I vividly remember people asking me to talk for longer than short bursts and my voice used to CRACK I was literally 6 or 7 and I had voice cracks, and it hurt to speak for longer than needed.

(it's like way better now because I started to think aloud and stuff, literally improved more in the 2 years I started thinking aloud than the rest of my life.)

but I was asking because is this a normal thing? idk.

part 2

I noticed this ages ago, but sometimes I'm completely disgusted by pork and pork fat and the mere thought of it is enough to make me gag. and other times I ate it with no problems, I always wondered why that was. but then I learned about in OSDD/DID alters can have different likes and dislikes and it clicked, because sometimes I can barely eat anything my family gets because it's mostly pork and it's disgusting I hate the taste. but I think for other alters they don't mind it or can at least stomach parts of it so we don't starve.

there has literally been times where I voluntarily starve because I think pork is THAT disgusting, but sometimes another alter takes over and they eat it no problem. which even though I think it's disgusting and don't ever want to eat pork again, my other alters eat whatever is given and it contributes to this cycle where my family thinks I 'like' pork and get confused when I gag.

part 3

I was literally berated and yelled at and given the silent treatment and basically after I learned how to read. I just taught basically everything to myself, literally I learned how to write and spell alone by myself. I learned how to speak for longer times by myself.

I taught myself alot, mostly because I had to lol. my mum had given up on trying thank god honestly best decision ever, and I don't go to school never did. even when other people tried to teach me it failed miserly, except maths. but even then it was because I had an amazing teacher, that actually let me go slow. but I mostly taught myself everything, my mum likes to think she's taught me loads but most of it was literally.. me.

idk, I learned most of my cooking skills from her. but at the same time I taught myself alot, idk. it's weird being the person who has learned so little in so much time.

I didn't learn to read until I was 10, I didn't learn to spell until I was 13, I didn't learn to write until I was 15.

I've always been a slow learner, and had autism/adhd/dyslexia/other stuff. but I never really gave up, people say I'm stupid and lazy and I don't do the work. but I do, I'm just really fucking slow.

I've always been, it's a freaking miracle I know this much honestly.

but I have worked hard and made myself proud no matter what anyone says, even when I'm torn down again and again by my mum's "talks" I try harder and I learn and I grow.

and well whatever, I'm proud of myself.

part 4

I never really noticed but, now that I'm older and I've learned more about OSDD/DID. I realise that I've always kinda had alters???

like I remember talking to my imaginary friend, but idk how other kids experienced that stuff. but my imaginary friend was always in my head saying everything is going to be okay, she was way older than me too. and spoke in not a stutter or lisp.

and now that I'm older idk, I think that was whole heartedly the first sign. like idk.

that's it yours Pop

Part 1 - While the definition of normal is subjective for everyone, in my sense i don't think being mute to the point of interfering daily living is normal. People, how i see, can talk normally without needing to be prompted or forced.

Part 2 - I also hate pork and confused why they like eating it eugh..

Part 3 - Thats actually surprising for me, you should keep it up even if you're slow,, all credits to you genuinely. If you need me to teach you something just lmk ok.

Part 4 - If i recall correctly normal kids also have imaginary friends?.. but only last in childhood, rarely sticked along to adulthood. Pretty sure its also voluntary, though not the best wording to describe that. We also thought it was an imaginary friend but that was so wrong until years later so,, yeah..

Im gonna wait for your next update bud see you next time <3

- j

[kabretoss]

I've been trying really hard over the last couple of years or so to branch out and make new friends, especially online, after spending several years ollied out of any sort of group online experience, and I had forgotten how gotdang hard it is to find a comfortable shared online space.

I know what happens: it's a familiar pattern! It's happened almost every time I've tried to join a new group! But I haven't yet found a way around it.

In the interests of dissecting the pattern and taking away some of its power, I'm going to sit here and have a little think about it. Navel-gazing behind the cut.

The cycle usually goes:

Find cool new online space

Join up and lurk for a while

Once I've parsed the group language and behaviour norms, get more comfortable participating

(if it goes well) Honeymoon period where I'm having fun and it feels like I'm making connections

Bump in the road (usually RL stuff interfering, but sometimes community drama, or some social faux pas on my part)

Either I withdraw a little to recoup or other people withdraw from me or both

Death spiral of decreasing engagement and feeling left out.

This comes with all sorts of brainworms ("wow I guess I never really fit in if it matters this little that I'm not there", "it was foolish to try because I'm always going to be faking being a Real Person, so this stacks", etc). It's always stuff I recognize as catastrophization, as unfair to others and therefore business for me and my therapist and no one else.

But it does end up feeding the death spiral, because I think when you can't be chill about being in a space, other people can smell it, and the last thing I ever want to do is bring that stink. That's what the death spiral's made of: staying away from a space when that space or the content in it is the subject of considerable distress, which leads to disconnection from what's going on in that space, which leads to further distress, which etc. This is a part I'm not sure what to do about or with.

Overall, though, there's usually two approaches: Stick it out and hope for things to get better, or call it and move on. This is not intended to be a maudlin statement, just one of fact: sticking it out has never once worked for me.

Sometimes coming back to a space a couple years later, with distance and perspective, works; it's part of why I cycle through a few online spaces periodically.

(Some of that, too, though, is the mixed fear/desire to get close to people. This is the autism brain at work: I have had too many "friendships" over time that I realized were one-sided, and the really sad thing is sometimes they were one-sided in that they thought they were friends with me and I saw them as an aquaintance. Not as often as the other way around, but still! I don't want to hurt people and I recognize that that hurts! But I'm also human: I crave human connection. I crave friends that care and with whom I can relate, and I deeply crave feeling as if I am permitted to care about other people. Which for some reason I usually feel that I'm not permitted to do. That's another one for my therapist, lol.)

A lot of my problem is that fitting in in a space is usually an effort of masking. I know people who are incredible at masking to fit a space; I am mid. I can pull it off to an extent but there's a point at which I don't make the grade. (I think of this like the fitting-in eerie-valley: even if other people can't tell me what's off, something's off enough about the masking that it just makes them uncomfortable.)

Again, this isn't meant to be maudlin: this decades of trial and error. I would love to unmask in a space and just make friends with who vibes with me-as-I-am, but I've seen how people like me get treated when they just act like themselves. Even by other ND people. It's rough out there, yo.

(One of the things a lifetime of masking's taught me is how to love and appreciate people who communicate differently than I do: the thing is, I don't find that grace is often extended to me. It's something you have to learn to do and a lot of people just don't have motivation or incident to pick up the skill.)

I do think the worst part of this pattern is the repeated lesson of alienation.

It becomes erosive, over time; the thing is, it's not the fault of the space, or the people in it, or even (I'm telling myself) my own fault, beyond however much my autistic and social deficits are my "fault". But it IS alienating, and I'm closer to forty than thirty, and I'm not sure at this point if I'll ever get the knack. (Just to be clear, that part is maudlin and I'm going to just roll with it, because I am feeling sad just now.)

I'm sure there are people that have gotten through or past it or around it, and I'm going to keep trying, because the alternative is giving up, but... I'm tired, and I'm sad, and honestly I'm kind of lonely for a particular type of friend-connection I keep hearing about other people having, and not finding myself.

Maybe the trick is to try and find the silver linings.

The one or two people you come out the other end with as friendships that have a chance to persist outside the space.

The friendly acquaintences who will greet you cheerfully in the future in some other shared space you both find yourself in.

You never know when a friendship is going to bud up out of the mycelium of people you've met, like a mushroom that just needed the right conditions. The thing is, I almost never fade out of a community because I dislike the people there; if I've spent the time to get invested, it's probably chock-full of people I admire and adore.

[vizthedatum]

So, since I'm working on myself and on my healing journey and all that…

I need to actually look out for myself and where I'm putting my energy.

I want to make my life simpler.

—

CW: suicide

For those who don't know me very well or even just through this blog: my brother has a lot of severe mental health issues that have plagued him for most of his life. My parents haven't handled it well but they are often his only support because both my parents and my brother are isolated from society due to their undiagnosed neurodivergences, traumas, and lack of resources/support.

Growing up with my parents was so hard - I have talked a little about this but I was both physically and psychologically abused. I don't care that they gave me shelter and food (sometimes they'd not give me food as punishment! Often they'd threaten to throw me out or have me kidnapped! One time they did but then CPS was called - that was when I was six). I don't care that they supported my academic career (please don't ask how they did that - that's a whole other story).

I am recovering from that abuse even now in my thirties. It has shaped my entire life.

And the undiagnosed autism and ADHD I suppose. That's shaped my life too.

The main reason why I am drawn to dubious people or people who end up taking up too much of my energy is not only because I let them... It is because I was conditioned to.

I have a lot of “empathy” because I'm not just a “good person.” I'm hypervigilant, and my nervous system is reacting in overtime because I don't want to get hurt.

—

My parents have been interfering with my brother’s independence and mental health for quite some time.

They coerced him, goaded him, and ended up bribing him to “give in” and come back to their place for the holiday weekend.

He just returned to his place after being there for weeks (the same visit that was supposed to be a weekend! The very same visit where my mom called the cops on my brother because she thinks I'm a tucking heroin addict and am influencing my brother to be one - NO, it's not true).

He just started his semester.

And now he's back there - where they just psychologically put him down and socially isolate him (and sometimes withhhold his medication, tell him to stop treatment, yell in front of him and at him, tell him he's gonna kill his dog, watch him shut down and sleep all day and then tell him he can't do stuff by himself, etc.)

They don't beat him like they did with me.

—

I have spent most of my twenties trying to save my brother’s life. How, you ask?

By being his care coordinator: by talking with his doctors and other healthcare professionals. By talking to schools (he graduated high school late because he was hospitalized so much).

By talking him down from suicide and from delusions.

By being in terror that I'd wake up and I'd hear he was dead. (he has tried to kill himself countless times and in so many ways)

I would spend hours every day on the phone with my family.

My parents even lost custody of him at one point (again, another story).

—

And he knows that my parents are abusive towards me. He knows they're transphobic.

He does stand up for me.

But he also associates with MY ORIGINAL ABUSERS. And (he hasn't put it in these terms yet) HIS ORIGINAL ABUSERS.

My parents refuse to change or help themselves. They don't want to, and they don't care.

I do have love for my family.

—

But I'm done for now, I think.

I love my brother more than anything in this world. I have been no contact with my parents for quite some time.

He knows my advice.

All of them have given me money (because I begged for it) as I've been rebuilding. (my parents refuse to anymore - and besides they hate that I'm transitioning - and they think I'm a fucking drug addict who ruined their life so fuck them)

But I can't keep listening to my brother being taken advantage of and treated like this anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

—

I don't know when I'll talk to him again, but I just can't.

I just made a really hard decision - I told my brother I wouldn't speak to him from now until Labor day weekend or up until whenever my parents are with him.

More context later.

[seokwoosmole]

I'm so angry at today's episode in terms of what's happening with Youngwoo and Junho. On one note, I'm really happy that this show has saved me a headache by not including a serious 2nd lead character and love triangle (I don't count Suyeon) and that this isn't a slow burn (at least not in the ways that make it seem bothersome) and this is a really healthy pairing. BUT. That means that the problems in their love plot have to come from other people interfering. Which objectively speaking, I think is better writing, but it's more infuriating because other people causing problems in someone else's life is just the most upsetting thing. Throughout this entire episode, you can so clearly see how much Junho and Youngwoo care about each other and how badly they want their relationship to work out. They've spent enough time together to the extent where Youngwoo literally QUIZZES Junho on identifying whales and he's actually doing a good job as if he studied for it!! When Youngwoo gets overwhelmed on the plane, Junho immediately knows to ask her if she wants her headphones and where to retrieve them from when she does need them. And he wanted to introduce her to his sister and brother in law, and Youngwoo probably wanted to try to see dolphins/whales for a longer period of time than they did, but she knew Junho taking her to meet his family was important to him. And despite it being important to him, above all, he wants her to be comfortable, so inquired after what his sister would be serving them, and when he found that there was a lack on kimbap, assured her that they didn't have to eat with them.

But Youngwoo insisted that she would, 1) to make a good impression on Junho's family, and again, 2) she knows that this meeting is important to Junho and doesn't want to be rude by not eating the food prepared. She admits that she doesn't like that she has to eat food that isn't to her liking, but she wants to do it anyway. The two of them again and again make so many conscious efforts to accommodate and compromise with each other and though there are challenges, the show always prioritizes showing us the highlights over the difficulties. Despite the challenges, the writers never make the viewers feel as though Junho and Youngwoo's relationship is shaky. They always portray that yes, they face challenges, but it's okay because they're trying to overcome them and they're happy together and that's what matters most. But during that luncheon with Junho's sister and her husband (and in the imminent aftermath) we see that change drastically for the first time. It doesn't matter that Youngwoo tried her best and that Junho isn't ashamed to be with Youngwoo and doesn't see her having autism as a flaw and that the two of them are happy together. His sister and brother in law were clearly put off by her behavior and is ashamed for Junho and she refuses to understand that Junho is dating Youngwoo with the intention of their relationship being long-term, therefore not only is it silly and wrong, but also illogical for him to simply "not tell his parents" about them dating. Also the audacity and stupidity of his sister??? It's one thing to talk badly about someone behind their back, but to do it knowing that person is still in the vicinity and could potentially hear you?? Especially when the place of that vicinity is your home which you've invited that person into?? Especially when that person is your sibling's significant other??? In the teaser for the next episode, it's heavily implied that Youngwoo and Junho "break up" which breaks my heart but I can't even begin to blame Youngwoo for doing it. She already deals with discrimination and ableism on her own, but now she's experiencing it simply for being with someone. She's been insulted and demeaned by Junho's friends, basically labeled as a pity project; dismissed as a potential love interest for Junho completely by his lovely roommate Minwoo (don't even need to mention his other horrific acts); and now she's been infantilized and shamed by his sister. You can't blame Youngwoo for breaking up with Junho simply because of the way she's been treated, but given how they've set up her character, how the writers have shown how Youngwoo often feels bad thinking that other people are disadvantaged because they're on her side, I don't think that she's doing this 100% for her sake. In each of these scenarios, yes, Youngwoo is clearly the one getting the figurative pain in these punches, but from the aggressors' perspective, their thinking is that Youngwoo is the problem and Junho is the one who will suffer. This of course is bs, but I feel like a part of Youngwoo knows that these ableists think this way and she wants to save Junho from that. Because every time, Junho is so quick to defend Youngwoo, their relationship, and his intentions. And yet, people's minds won't change. UGHH. This was so much longer a post than I thought it was going to be. Just so upset. Like if it's not your relationship and other people aren't badly affected by it and the people are happy, stay out of it.

[moiraineswife]

Autistic Allegories in Renarin’s Arc - Meta

s’up y’all, your favourite local rambler is back at it again. Diving straight in to this one. The motivation for this post is something that might be controversial, and I’m going to try and  explain it as clearly as I can and make my intentions clear, but I get this is the internet and things get misinterpreted to fuck. 

So, since Renarin was confirmed to be a queer character, I’ve seen a lot of posts and takes on pretty much every platform I frequent that equates all of Renarin’s traits/struggles in canon as being foreshadowing/parallels to his queer identity and experience. 

I get this. I’m also queer. I understand the instinct to take, say, Renarin’s corrupted spren bond and his desire to keep his nature as a Radiant hidden/his lack of understanding initially and assume it to be queer foreshadowing/parallel. I big get that. And that’s not a bad interpretation. 

The problem is, this is the ONLY interpretation people put forth. They ignore things explicitly said/connections made in canon to Renarin being autistic and say ‘this is it. this is what this means. it’s about him being gay’. When, actually, a good chunk of it is about his experience as an autistic man in an allistic society. Which I think is what Brandon wants to explore/has set up in the text. 

So I decided to look at this in more depth from an autistic perspective - some of the moments that most clearly parallel Renarin’s autistic experience and explain how and why this is a thing, and hopefully just highlight this aspect of his character and explain things to folks. 

Renarin’s Blade Screaming 

Jumping right into it then: Renarin’s bond with Glys is very clearly paralleled with his autism. The text outlines this connection multiple times throughout the series, and explores it in interesting ways. 

First up, Renarin first revealing himself as a Truthwatcher makes this pretty clear: 

“And the Shardblade,” Dalinar said, stepping over and taking his son by the shoulder. “You hear screams. That’s what happened to you in the arena. You couldn’t fight because of those shouts in your head from summoning the Blade. Why? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I thought it was me,” Renarin whispered. “My mind. But Glys, he says . . .” Renarin blinked. “Truthwatcher.” (WoR)

“Adolin,” he said softly. “I … um … I have to give you back the Shardblade you won for me.”

“Why?” Adolin said.

“It hurts to hold,” Renarin said. “It always has, to be honest. I thought it was just me, being strange. But it’s all of us.”

“Radiants, you mean.”

He nodded. (Oathbringer)

Renarin didn’t explain to his father or the others what was happening to him because he thought it was part of his autistic experience. 

Being autistic you get used to experiencing a lot of in-brain things and not realising that other people don’t experience them, too. I have hypersensitivity to sound. I can hear things other people don’t, because their brains naturally filter them out - like electronics whining. 

The experience of having a Shardblade scream inside your head is actually a pretty great parallel for sensory overload. It’s something intense, something frightening, and overwhelming, and even painful. But Renarin just endures it without comment because that’s what we’re conditioned to do. 

“A group of shellheads tried to seize one of the bridges, Brightlord,” the bridgeman said softly. “Brightlord Renarin insisted on going to help. Sir, we tried hard to dissuade him. Then, when he got near and summoned his Blade, he just kind of . . . stood there. We got him away, sir, but he’s been sitting on that rock ever since.”

[...]

“I just stood there,” Renarin said. “I wasn’t frozen because of my . . . ailment. I’m just a coward.”

When Adolin hears about Renarin freezing up he assumes that he had a fit. Renarin corrects him on this, once he’s verbal again, but says that he was just a coward. 

He froze up once he summoned his Blade. Because it would have started screaming in his head and this was overwhelming. When other Radiants have experienced this on-screen the screaming has been so intense they immediately dropped or dismissed the Blade, unable to hold it. 

From this, I infer that Renarin believes everyone experiences this when they fight with a Shardblade. He doesn’t realise that it’s strange for him because he’s a Radiant. He thinks everyone experiences it, but they push through and overcome it. He can’t, and instead of thinking something strange is going on, he assumes that it’s a weakness of his and that he’s a coward. 

This is a fairly common autistic experience. Why can’t you just get over this? Why is that overwhelming you? Just ignore the sound. Just ignore the lights. Stop being so weak/oversensitive. 

That’s what Renarin thinks is happening. That’s why he doesn’t examine his experiences more closely, and realise he’s a Radiant. He thinks it’s part of him being autistic, and that he’s just being overly sensitive, until Glys is able to communicate with him and explain he’s a Truthwatcher.

The Rhyshadium Don’t Fit

“They don’t fit, you know.”

“Don’t fit?”

“Ryshadium have stone hooves,” Renarin said, “stronger than ordinary horses’. Never need to be shod.”

“And that makes them not fit? I’d say that makes them fit better.…” Adolin eyed Renarin. “You mean ordinary horses, don’t you?”

Renarin blushed, then nodded. (Oathbringer)

This, for me, is one of the most direct and obvious parallel between Renarin’s experience as an autistic man, and his experience as a Radiant. 

Firstly, he comments on the Rhyshadium ‘not fitting’ with ordinary horses. They’re different. They have different hooves, which means they never need to be shod, like regular horses. In this case, being shod is something all horses do. It’s something natural for them, and the Rhyshadium not having it makes them stand out. This is similar to Renarin’s experience in society and in life. 

The Rhyshadium are sometimes called ‘the third shard’ - they’re tied to the Radiants and to Stormlight. Renarin aligning himself with them, and his not fittng with them not fitting, mirrors his being Radiant stopping him from fitting in as he wants to.

A big part of his arc is his desire to fit in somewhere. His integration with Bridge Four is a huge boost to his confidence. He asks to join them to try and find somewhere to belong. The bridgemen are outcasts. They’re people who don’t fit in society, either, for various different reasons. Renarin fits with them, therefore, because he doesn’t fit elsewhere. 

When he starts becoming a Radiant, and a different type of Radiant to the others, he starts to worry again. He worries that, yet again, he’s different for reasons he cannot control, and he’s worried the bridgemen will abandon or reject him as has happened frequently in noble society. 

“So why are you embarrassed?”

“I’m … not?”

Adolin gave him a flat stare.

Renarin dismissed the Blade. “I simply … Adolin, I was starting to fit in. With Bridge Four, with being a Shardbearer. Now, I’m in the darkness again. Father expects me to be a Radiant, so I can help him unite the world. But how am I supposed to learn?”

Adolin scratched his chin with his good hand. “Huh. I assumed that it just kind of came to you. It hasn’t?”

“Some has. But it … frightens me, Adolin.” He held up his hand, and it started to glow, wisps of Stormlight trailing off it, like smoke from a fire. “What if I hurt someone, or ruin things?”

The conversation continues, and further solidifies the connection between the Rhyshadium not fitting with other horses, and Renarin not fitting in with other people. 

He had become a Shardbearer, and was starting to fight and do what an Alethi man is expected to do in society. Go to war with Shards, with glory, etc etc etc. That didn’t quite work out. 

For Renarin, whenever he gets closer to assimilating with the standard society and expectations, something happens to stop him. Initially it’s his epilepsy. He has fits, and his chronic illness makes him generally weaker and more frail, meaning that he can’t fight. 

Once he’s given Shards to help mitigate those factors, he can’t use the Shards because his Radiant bond makes them scream inside his head. Again stopping him from fighting and becoming a soldier. 

He then goes on to tell Adolin that he doesn’t really know how to Radiant. And Adolin says that he thought it would just come to him/he would instinctively know, but he doesn’t. 

This is, again, a very classic autism thing. We struggle with doing things that allistic people find instinctive, and don’t need to be actively taught - such as reading and projecting the correct body language.

Adolin, who takes very naturally to all this stuff, just assumes that Renarin’s Radianting would just come to him, and Renarin has to explain that actually no, it hasn’t. This literally cannot get any clearer in forging an obvious link between his autism and his Radiant abilities. 

Renarin’s ‘Corrupted’ Bond: 

“What’s wrong with me?” Renarin asked. “Why do I see these things? I thought I was doing something right, with Glys, but somehow it’s all wrong.…” (Oathbringer)

[...]

“Does it strike you as cruel of fate, Father? My blood sickness gets healed, so I can finally be a soldier like I always wanted. But that same healing has given me another kind of fit. More dangerous than the other by far.” (Rhythm of War)

[...]

Lopen called out, asking Renarin to “look into the future and find out if I beat Huio at cards tomorrow.” It seemed a little crass to Dalinar, bringing up his son’s strange disorder, but Renarin took it with a chuckle.

[...]

It would be so much easier if he were like other Radiants. (RoW)

[...]

“And a blackness interfering, marring the beauty of the window. Like a sickness infecting both of you, at the edges.”

“Curious,” Dalinar said, looking where Renarin had pointed, though he’d see only empty air. “I wonder if we’ll ever know what that represents.”

“Oh, that one’s easy, Father,” Renarin said. “That’s me.”

“Renarin, I don’t think you should see yourself as—”

“You needn’t try to protect my ego, Father. When Glys and I bonded, we became … something new. We see the future. At first I was confused at my place—but I’ve come to understand. What I see interferes with Odium’s ability. Because I can see possibilities of the future, my knowledge changes what I will do. Therefore, his ability to see my future is obscured. Anyone close to me is difficult for him to read.”

“I find that comforting,” Dalinar said, putting his arm around Renarin’s shoulders. “Whatever you are, son, it’s a blessing. You might be a different kind of Radiant, but you’re Radiant all the same. You shouldn’t feel you need to hide this or your spren.”

Renarin ducked his head, embarrassed. His father knew not to touch him too quickly, too unexpectedly, so it wasn’t the arm around his shoulders. It was just that … well, Dalinar was so accustomed to being able to do whatever he wanted. He had written a storming book.

Renarin held no illusions that he would be similarly accepted. He and his father might be of similar rank, from the same family, but Renarin had never been able to navigate society like Dalinar did. True, his father at times “navigated” society like a chull marching through a crowd, but people got out of the way all the same.

Not for Renarin. The people of both Alethkar and Azir had thousands of years training them to fear and condemn anyone who claimed to be able to see the future. They weren’t going to put that aside easily, and particularly not for Renarin. (RoW)

Sorry for the quote barrage, but there was really  no other way to do this, and I think it makes a nice little arc in how Renarin sees himself and his bond to Glys and, by extension, his autism. 

In the temple, with Jasnah, he considers it to be something wrong. He’d thought he was finally fitting in, being like everyone else, doing something “right” but it turns out his bond is of Odium, and while he thought he fit with the others, he doesn’t. Again.

 The RoW segments are what’s most interesting to me, because what we see here, I think, is Dalinar experiencing Renarin’s ‘disorder’ as he calls it and processing it/coming to terms with it in a way a lot of parents approach their kids’ autism. But this is a bit more approachable/less painful to look at because he’s considering him being a weird glowing power ranger, and not an autistic kid. Easier to examine more honestly. 

So first of all Renarin, again, calls a direct link between his bond and his autism. The ‘healing’ that came with his bond gave him another kind of otherness. Another way he can’t be a soldier - which, for Renarin, in Alethi society, means him being like everyone else. I was going to go into this more here but this thing is already long as fuck, but in a nutshell being a soldier is Renarin’s dream because that’s him being “normal” and being like everyone else, which fate always conspires to stop him from being. 

In Alethi society the peak of masculinity and of fitting in to the social order, which revolves around war and glory and battle courage blah blah blah - is being a soldier and fighting. Which Renarin has never been able to do. Which his father has always wanted him to do - wihich Renarin knows. 

A lot of allistic people, especially allistic parents, think their autistic kids won’t pick up on their blatant ‘oh my god I wish my kid was normal’ vibes. They do. BELIEVE ME they do. This is a good little nod to that. Dalinar has never outright looked at Renarin and said ‘I want you to be a soldier to be worthy of my love and respect’ but it’s what Renarin grew up knowing and seeing from him. 

The evolution of that through exploring Dalinar’s attitude to Renarin being bonded with an Odium-aligned spren is...Utterly fascinating, to say the least.

Here, for example, Dalinar sees it as a “strange disorder”. When Renarin calls a spade a spade and just goes ‘yeah no that weird thing right there that makes you comfortable? That’s me, buddy, get used to it’. Which is just. Absolutely effervescent. There’s a big instinct allistic people have to dance around autistic people. So many innuendos. So many fluffy phrase that I hate. “On the spectrum.” “On the autism spectrum”. “Differently abled” “Sees the world differently.” Just call me autistic and let me move on with life I do not have time to deal with your internalised issues. 

He kind of comes around on it and gives him the whole “you might be a different Radiant but you’re still a Radiant to me, son”. Replace the word Radiant here with person and you’ll have a conversation I’ve experienced so many times. “Just because you’re a weird person doesn’t mean you’re not still a person!” Why thank you for pointing that out. I hadn’t noticed....Thank you for validating my humanity to my face?? As though I needed you to do that?

Contrast this with Renarin’s cheerful acceptance (ABSOLUTELY STUNNING DEVELOPMENT, HELL YES) - ‘yeah no that weird thing right there is me’. I cheered, dear reader, I CHEERED. It’s a little thing but it’s also a very very big thing. 

So is Lopen making light of things - in a way that laughs with Renarin and not at him - wanting him to predict the outcome of his card game. Renarin laughs at this, and is obviously comfortable with the jokes and the camaraderie. Dalinar winces at this and thinks that it shouldn’t be made fun of this way, that it’s crass or wrong, Renarin has a disorder, it makes him weird and delicate, people shouldn’t joke around him with that, it’s not right. But Renarin is comfortable with it, and the Bridgemen are comfortable with him, which Dalinar obviously isn’t - though I get that he’s trying to go there. 

Then, again, we draw a very direct parallel between Renarin’s Radiant experience othering him socially and autism othering a person socially. Absolutely exquisitely done mister sando, very nice indeed. 

Renarin notes that there are ways to go through society. It’s nice to be like Dalinar and have the clout to buck the expectations, and not do what you’re supposed to, and still get away with it. Isn’t that nice? Bitch wrote and published a book and he’s still seen as masculine and worthy of respect and being yielded too. 

Remember that Renarin can read and write as well - he learned so he could interpret his visions. But he hasn’t shared that with people. Because he knows that it won’t be accepted the way Dalinar was. 

Sanderson sets up this idea rather nicely in Oathbringer, actually, with the scribes meeting. 

Renarin glanced at his father. Dalinar responded with a raised fist.

He came so Renarin wouldn’t feel awkward, Shallan realized. It can’t be improper or feminine for the prince to be here if the storming Blackthorn decides to attend.

 This part has always made my heart happy. Because it’s not just about Dalinar validating Renarin’s societally ‘feminine’ tendencies - which he gets subtly bullied/mocked for during that meeting by one of the other women in attendance. It’s about all of his differences, it’s about Dalinar validating his autistic experience as well, and helping to fit him in to a society that continually rejects and ousts him. 

This idea evolves through RoW, however, with Renarin understanding that Dalinar can do things that he won’t be allowed to get away with. Dalinar isn’t so much breaking down barriers with Oathbringer as he is stomping through them because he has enough social privilege to do so, for the most part, unscathed. 

Renarin keeps his reading a secret because, even after what Dalinar has done, it’s not going to change things for most men, and certainly not him. 

Renarin has learned, throughout his life, that him being different is not going to break down any barriers. People are not going to change their world, or their worldview, for him and his differences. He knows that he has to adapt, and he knows that he won’t be afforded the same luxuries as others. 

He’s more comfortable with this now. He’s learning to be himself, and learning that the world won’t fit itself to him, he just has to do what he’s going to do anyway, and find the places where he fits, rather than trying to change the ones where he doesn’t. It’s actually a really beautiful little arc, and I’m strongly tempted to look at it in more depth at some point. Renarin and Dalinar’s dynamic is actually incredibly deep, layerd, and complex, and it’s something I’ve been meaning to look at for a while. HOWEVER. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THAT. 

TL;DR: Renarin’s Radiant experience is a direct allegory and parallel to his autistic experience. This is explored and made blatant by canon repeatedly, throughout the series, and Renarin’s experience as a Radiant is clearly a vessel by which Sanderson intends to explore his autism. Stop erasing and ignoring this when you talk about Renarin and analyse his arc. His autism is as intrinsic to this as it is to identity. It’s part of him. Stop erasing it.

I’m not saying you can’t find parallels or comfort in Renarin’s arc as a queer person. I’m just saying you cannot look at it in isolation. As though the text is ONLY making a parallel between his queer identity and his bond. Because it’s very fucking blatantly not. His autism is obviously and canonically tied to his Radiant bond and this is something that MUST be noted whenever you talk about this aspect of Renarin’s character.

Note: if anyone has any questions or comments on this, I am happy to engage and to clarify what I meant/add further detail and supporting evidence for various different aspects. There’s only so much I can cover in one post! For my sanity as well as yours...But there’s absolutely more, and I’m happy to look at that as well.

[informationsorter]

Let's talk about self diagnosing.

(This is purely a personal opinion piece.)

CW: Descriptions of hypothetical physical injury.

So I'm going to start off by immediately settling your minds - I believe self diagnosis can be both good and bad. I’m not here to judge, gatekeep, or vilify. *************************************************************

A quick overview of the sections: 3 problems/examples. 5 questions/opinions.

 *************************************************************

Determining that you have an issue, does not mean that it is the only issue.

Lets start with a hypothetical example where the self diagnosis is obviously correct:

- You've fallen down the stairs. - You can see a bone sticking out of your leg. - You deduce that you have broken your leg.

This is almost certainly accurate, as there is no healthy explanation for the visible evidence.

However, this may not be the whole story.

What we’re really doing in this situation is identifying symptoms and possible/probably causes.

The symptoms are: - Pain. - Visible evidence of a broken bone. - Visible evidence of wounded skin. - Probably experiencing shock - Pale, cold, clammy skin. Shallow, rapid breathing. Anxiety. Rapid heartbeat. Etc.

The probable diagnosis: A broken leg bone.

When you arrive at the hospital, they will do an x-ray. They may discover additional injuries, for instance the bone may be broken in several places, a tendon may have been severed.

Their treatment of your issues relies on the full knowledge that they are able to learn via their tests. If they (somehow) were to treat only your broken bone and the flesh wound, you would likely end up with further health problems as the extra broken bones were not set properly, and the severed tendon would not heal on it's own.

This is a rather ridiculous example of course, but that's why I started with it.

You may believe that you know what the issue is, but if you do not have the right equipment/training, you may not be able to identify the full extent of the issue.

Even if you know what the issue is, you may not be able to determine the full impact of it.

For example: - You notice that whenever you eat citrus, your mouth and tongue start tingling/going numb. There may be also be symptoms such as sweating, feeling faint, swelling of lips/tongue. You conclude that you are allergic to citrus. You act on this by avoiding citrus. That’s all fine and reasonable. However, with this information you only know that you have a reaction to citrus. You don’t know the full extent. Are you mildly allergic? Are you at risk of anaphylactic shock? Sometimes you do not need to know the full extent (in this example you can simply avoid lemon). But sometimes you DO need to learn everything you can about it, in order to live the best life possible. 

Especially when the issue is not something easily avoided such as a minor food allergy.

You might group all of your symptoms together, leading to you accidentally obscuring one issue by presenting it as another.

(An example using some of my own symptoms & past trauma experiences.)

You have diagnosed yourself with autism based on the following symptoms:

- Difficulty forcing eye contact with others.

- Inability to read the invisible social cues that neurotypical’s can see/read.

- Discomfort/anxiety in social settings / large groups.

- An extreme feeling of mental shutdown in response to loud noises/music.

These could indeed be symptoms of autism, however they can also be symptoms of other issues in play.

For instance, discomfort or anxiety in social settings could be due to an anxiety disorder.

The loud noises/music may mimic sounds from traumatic events - initiating flashbacks or fight/flight/freeze instincts.

You go to a therapist.

Your therapist listens to your concerns and symptoms, and looks for other explanations for these symptoms.

This is to ensure that the diagnosis they give you will be accurate, and thus the treatment you receive will be the most effective treatment possible for you.

If you did not go to the therapist with this, you may have been able to deal with the autism symptoms fairly well, but the anxiety and PTSD would go untreated. Your problems would not go away, because you weren’t treating ALL of your issues.

When do I believe it is acceptable to self diagnose without seeking professional verification of your self diagnosis?

- When the issue/symptoms do not affect your life in any substantial way;

- When the issue is self evident;

- When there is no indication that there is an unseen element;

- When the issue does not require urgent or extensive treatment.

Eg: Mild allergy to citrus, which can easily be avoided in your daily life.

In this sort of case, I believe it is important to stay aware of the symptoms and immediately seek a professional opinion if there is a change in severity, frequency, or perceived cause, of these symptoms.

Eg: One day you have a drink that had a lemon wedge on the rim, and the symptoms are far stronger, or appear far sooner, than they used to.

Or:

One day you have the same reaction, but you did not consume any citrus.

When do I believe that it is helpful to ask a professional to confirm/refute your self assessment?

Always.

There may be situations where the professional can’t offer any treatment (eg: a mild food allergy, where avoiding it is all that can be done). But if you feel anxiety over the uncertainty of it, and you want a professional assessment, diagnosis, or testing, you are of course entitled to it.

Whether it pinpoints a cause, or rules out a cause, finding out for sure will increase the chances of you receiving appropriate treatment.

Additionally, professional tests and assessments can identify previously unnoticed symptoms and/or issues.

(Such as additional injuries in example 1, or separate disorders in example 3.)

Do I believe that you should tell your health professional that you have self-diagnosed / self-assessed your symptoms?

Yes.

Especially with mental health issues, where your therapist’s assessment of you may be affected erroneously by them noticing that you are holding something back.

They may believe you are uncomfortable with them, or have some trust issues which you may not have.

If you simply tell your therapist that you have recorded your symptoms and searched for answers on your own, the therapist will be able to make a more accurate assessment of you.

It also gives them a good starting point, as they immediately know that the issue is concerning to you, and that you are ready to seek help for it.

Any health professional worth their training should be able to understand that you seeking explanations for your symptoms is natural, and should be willing to look into something that you are concerned about.

Eg: I told my GP (physical health doctor) that I was concerned about a specific lung condition which seemed to fit symptoms that I had been experiencing for over a decade. He listened, he asked further questions, he performed tests for the condition I had brought up, and he performed tests for other possible explanations.

In the end he determined that I did not have that condition, and we went from there.

Why do health professionals dislike self-diagnosis?

The issue with self diagnosis is that a patient can become convinced that they have something that they do not actually have.

This can lead to the patient: - Misinterpreting symptoms - Ignoring symptoms which do not fit their self-diagnosis - Unintentionally manifesting somatic symptoms which fit the self-diagnosis (this refers to a patient believing they have a condition, and their body beginning to show those symptoms. This is not the same as purposefully faking.) - Refusing testing for something other than their self-diagnosed issue - Refusing to accept that there may be a different issue - Refusing to accept that there may be additional issues - Resorting to self-help remedies which may be ineffective or actively dangerous to the patient

They aren’t just being difficult or elitist - they are concerned that your self-diagnosis may impact their ability to accurately diagnose and help you.

This is a particular concern when the health professional doesn’t know you well enough to be able to determine how much your belief will impact your symptoms, or whether you will be open to treatment if they determine a diagnosis which conflicts with your self-diagnosis.

Your health professional has YOUR health and safety in mind.

(If you believe this isn’t true, you should seek a second opinion.)

Should your health professional just accept your self-diagnosis?

It is your therapist’s duty to independently assess your symptoms, and possible causes for those symptoms.

It is not an attack on you, it is not a sign of distrust.

Think of it like scientists - they don’t just say “oh well that guy’s experiment showed these results, so they must be correct.” They go out and duplicate the experiment to check their results against the original results.

Yes, it’s not a perfect metaphor. No two people’s life experiences are the same. No two people’s brains will react identically to the same thing.

But the spirit is the same - in both cases, doing the extra work is to ensure that the stated result is accurate, NOT to discredit or demean the person who originally stated it.

  What if you are certain you have a certain issue, and will not be persuaded otherwise?

I urge you to rethink this, and open your mind.

You want to heal from whatever it is that is interfering with your best life.

You want answers.

You want validation that such-and-such issue isn’t a personal failing but a neuro-divergency.

Those are great goals, but the best way to find the truth is to be open to explanations that you may not like.

And the only way to know it’s the truth, is to be honest and objective about yourself.

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Well, I haven’t done one of these in a hot second.

You are "truly" blessed, I have been around & know several "Gifts"/People with Autism & Downs Syndrome, I say "Gift" because their innocence

love

& compassion

is like no other 

I sing a favourite sing when I get anxiety..people with autism have the innocence of children

#LOTSAU it is their resilience but also genuine sweet innocence, kindness and honesty in their hearts that make people with autism so adorable

so many little things occur when raising a child with autism. unless you live with them you simply will never know. they are the most precious people. regular people cannot raise them. i can only imagine what it would be like if my momma didn’t have me here. (Attention, we have a martyr complex here)

SABB has launched a Recreational Sports Program for people with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) under the supervision of the Charitable Society of Autism Families, with the goal of providing the best quality of care and support to this precious group.”

#SABBSociety

Yes, these people are so precious. I am a Autism Substitute Aide & I worked in many of our KCS schools. Teachers do not make that much. They are constantly purchasing items for their classrooms with their own money. I have often done the same thing, but I am on a budget now!

God told me ALL PEOPLE WITH AUTISM ARE ANGELS

THAT WILL CHANGE THE FACE OF HUMANITY

I LOVE YOU ANGEL

Rock the world with your light

People with autism are angels who lost their way to heaven and fell down on earth.#autistic #autisticmemes #autisticmeme #autistickidsrock #autistickid #autisticscreeching #autistickids #autisticartist #autisticboy #autisticdiver #autisticson #autisticspectrum #autisticpride (yeah no)

I would be the Angel of Hope.  I have 3 children with autism and would love to spread hope, that one day people would be more understanding of those that are "different"?? (another martyr complex)

Listen: our functional minds are directly connected to our #soul.   Children with autism think on@an astral level.  Don’t #Stigmatize people with disabilities.  Some are #Angels in disguise.

hello  My granddaughter has ASD , autism and adhd, I will always talk to special angels . I use to work with special Olympics children. special angels are a beautiful bunch of people.

I really think all these signals being beamed everywhere are the cause of autism, after all mothers with phones right on belly all day must be interfering with the delicate electrical signals that grow into human behavior... maybe the smart people there can toss that idea around (let’s not forget the conspiracy nutsos)

The immense and pure Love that these children with Autism have, is wonderful, they are people of immense purity in their hearts and souls

I love people with autism though because their hearts are extremely pure

Autism is unconditionaly love, pure soul, unic characters and amazing people . People who really known a person with autism can talk all day about them and never gets tired . I am one of those people . Lots of love for u

Sometimes I think that this is the true reason some children are born with autism. It is a global awareness that must be shared, and these children hold the purity of humanity in the palm of their hand. Hopefully, people will see and notice the beauty they have to share.

I’ve been the happiest in my life being around people with autism. If you don’t have a friend, brother, or neighbor like them you truly haven’t experience the purity in life. 

People with down syndrome, autism, etc, arent capable of hate, malice, greed, intolerance, etc. They exhibit all the things that those of us "normal" people try to be but cant. They're not equipped to be evil. They can only show purity.

I dont know, that's my take on it. (Someone get me the Darkhold right now)

I have a sibling with Autism, I wish I had a spec of the purity and love they do. My sibling is similar with their hobby; it happens because they often have difficulty connecting with people, so connection through creativity and imagination are what they gravitate towards.

#Love

Arjo’s role is really lovable. Mostly, people with autism have the ability to embrace the purity within any person. They have a beautiful gift to shower love on anyone they come across with. They see the world differently and that’s what makes them unique.

#TGDReportingForDuty

There's a certain purity people with mental illnesses have....more especially autism

People with autism always seem to be full of life and joy thats what i love about them their joy ,smiles and purity

[kindness-ricochets]

In the Ice Court, when Jesper says he doesn’t want to kill unconscious men, Wylan’s suggestion is waking them up—something that seems pretty incongruous with a lot of Wylan’s other statements and actions. I’ve been thinking about it since this post and I concluded that line, taken not in the context of the scene but of Wylan’s experiences, comes across very differently.

Unfortunately I haven’t just been thinking and it’s a Friday and I’m exhausted, so for a rambly list-essay, follow the cut!

Point #1: He doesn’t just say this to anyone. He says it to Jesper.

Jesper and Wylan, at this point, do not have a particularly positive relationship. Most of the Crows are at best neutral towards Wylan, but Jesper comes across pretty negative. He was the one whose response to learning Wylan’s identity was to lay into him for how useless he is to have around, and that dynamic has not significantly changed at this point in the story. Jesper complained multiple times about working with Wylan at the Ice Court and, when Wylan tried to help, told him to just stay out of the way.

I’m not laying this entirely on Jesper, he’s also tried to extend olive branches and Wylan really has not recognized that. It doesn’t help that the time Jesper chose to attempt a conversation was when they were in a prison cell. Presumably Jesper’s been locked up before as a member of the Dregs, but even if he hasn’t, he trusts Kaz and he knows part of the plan, and he’s clearly seeing this as an adventure. Wylan knows next to nothing and looked ready to wet himself before seeing Kaz’s lockpicks found. In the same way, Wylan has tried to have conversations with Jesper and picked the worst times for it: he wanted to talk on the Ferolind, when Jesper was going stir-crazy.

Wylan has every reason to believe at this point that Jesper doesn’t like him.

He also has every reason to believe Jesper would be completely serious about killing people. He’s a sharpshooter, a willing member of the Dregs… and he held Oomen while Kaz tortured him. Readers know that Jesper kills people who are trying to kill him and his friends: that’s his world, that’s survival. That’s also nuance that readers have the distance to see. Wylan might reasonably believe that Jesper would be okay with killing the Fjerdan guards.

Point #2: When he’s overwhelmed, Wylan focuses on the details.

This is something we learn about Wylan in Crooked Kingdom. In his very first narrated chapter, he gets so lost wondering what to do with his hands that he utterly fails in his part of the mission, pretending he’s a waiter. (Wylan is actually completely terrible undercover and probably only fooled Jesper into believing he was Kuwei because Kaz told him not to say or do anything, but that’s neither here nor there.)

It’s also something he does at Olendaal when Jesper tells him that Marya is alive. Wylan doesn’t know how to handle that information—who would? He’s believed for half his life, all of his mature life, that she was gone, and all this time she’s been locked away. Not only that, he’s beginning see the depths of abuse to which Jan subjected Marya—something for which he blames himself. This is a lot to take in. Wylan can’t deal with all of that at once. He can deal with little things: deep breath. Stand up. Don’t leave.

Applying the same logic, he could reasonably be overwhelmed. He’s just been imprisoned in a foreign country. Also he broke out of prison. Also he’s in the most secure fortress in all of Fjerda with no idea if they’ll be able to get out and, referencing the above argument, he’s more alone than any of them. Most of the Crows have at least one semi-positive relationship with another. Wylan really doesn’t. The closest he comes is that Inej doesn’t seem to actively dislike him. I don’t have my copy of the book with me, but if I recall correctly, Jesper and Inej see him talking to Nina at one point… but that’s just about the closest he’s come to a sustained positive interaction. They think he’s useless, he thinks they’re terrifying.

Point #3: Wylan’s moralizing has not been well-received.

That doesn’t stop him. I love that scene in Crooked Kingdom when Wylan tries to get between Kaz and Alys, and he does get Kaz to back down. Possibly by convincing him the argument’s not worth it, but nonetheless.

But that hasn’t happened yet. Wylan hasn’t yet divulged the secret of his dyslexia, hasn’t faced his father.

What he has done is object to Kaz’s treatment of Oomen. It’s not right. And in that situation it was Jesper who essentially argued for not interfering. Wylan also brought something up with Inej: again, I don’t have the book with me but I think his comment was, “It doesn’t feel like helping them, it feels like leaving them in a ditch.” I would argue that at this point, Inej is that Crow with whom Wylan has the strongest positive relationship, and even she isn’t giving leeway. That’s not to say that she should, only that Wylan has tried in the past to speak up and he’s been shot down.

Point #4: Wylan can be read as autistic-coded.

This isn’t necessary to my interpretation of his comment, but if one does read Wylan as autistic, that entirely changes the nature of the response. Jesper was being facetious, something he communicated through his tone, surely. Wylan didn’t respond to Jesper’s tone, he responded to Jesper’s words, something a lot of people with autism tend to do. (It’s almost like we think words are used to communicate!)

This would be especially confusing with someone like Jesper, who doesn’t tend to be understated. Jesper usually makes very clear when he’s amused or upset, and to someone with autism, that would make interpreting snark or sly humor especially difficult. Usually he gives clear cues; if he’s not giving an emotional cue, he’s probably serious, right?

Jesper had previously had no problem shutting Wylan down, as recently as earlier that same chapter. Again, usually he’s very clear. The fact that he didn’t tell Wylan to shut up or stop being dense was probably a response to the fact that Wylan had just proved himself useful and Jesper wasn’t as inclined to be sharp towards him. (Absence of Kaz might also help….) If Wylan is read as autistic, though, this is just another understated cue: he’s not being overtly negative, so he likes the idea, right?

Personally, I’ve had far stranger misconceptions about allistic people! They can be very strange.

Conclusion

Wylan (probably) doesn’t actually want to wake people up just to kill them.

He’s with Jesper, who has demonstrated an openness to killing and a general negativity on this whole “Wylan being around” business, so attempting moralizing now probably would be especially poorly received, even if he weren’t too scared to do it. Which he might be! This is scary stuff. And since it is, Wylan is focused on solving problems step-by-step, doing what he can. Jesper gave him a problem he actually knows how to solve. Maybe Wylan is just lost in tunnel vision, maybe he genuinely can’t read Jesper’s tone. Either way, to me it seemed like he was responding only to that specific situation of the men being unconscious, not really thinking about the fact that in the larger conversation he had just advocated for murder.

Jesper really meant, we don’t need to kill them, they’ve been subdued.

Not grasping the larger context for either Jesper’s actions or his words, Wylan heard, that’s not a bad idea, but the circumstances aren’t ideal.

Wylan was pretty far off-base in his interpretation, but he wasn’t advocating what he believed the best course to be, but what he erroneously believed Jesper wanted to hear.

[life-rewritten]

Psycho but it’s okay- The boy who fed on nightmares analysis (1/2)

The boy who fed on nightmare – Character Analysis and Themes of the show Part 1

The title of the first episode on Psycho but it’s okay is called and focuses on the boy who fed on nightmares. First of all, the title is chilling because to feed on something means you need it, or hunger for it. So why would someone need to feed on nightmares. The story is about a boy who is desperate to remove his memories of his past which haunt him and so he goes to someone for help and even after the memories are gone, he stays depressed and stuck. This is how this fairy tale was used to shadow the storyline so far. 

‘The boy woke up from another awful nightmare, bad memories from the past that he wanted to erase from his head where replayed in his dreams every night and haunted him nonstop, the boy was terrified of falling asleep.

So one day, he went to the witch and begged" ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ɢᴇᴛ ʀɪᴅ ᴏꜰ ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ʙᴀᴅ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇꜱ ꜱᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇʀ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ɴɪɢʜᴛᴍᴀʀᴇ ᴀɢᴀɪɴ, ᴛʜᴇɴ ɪ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴅᴏ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀꜱᴋ, " years went by, and the boy became an adult, he no longer had nightmares, but for some strange reasons, he wasn't happy at all. One night, a blood moon filled the night sky, and the witch finally showed up again to take what he had promised in return for granting his wish and he shouted at her with so much resentment" ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ʙᴀᴅ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴀʀᴇ ɢᴏɴᴇ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴡʜʏ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ɪ ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ? "Then the witch took his soul as they had promised, and told him this" ʜᴜʀᴛғᴜʟ, ᴘᴀɪɴғᴜʟ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛs, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ʜᴜrᴛɪɴɢ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴜʀᴛ, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴀɴᴅᴏɴᴇᴅ, ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ sᴜᴄʜ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ʙᴜʀɪᴇᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛs ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ sᴛʀᴏɴɢᴇʀ, ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴᴀᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟʟʏ ғʟᴇxɪʙʟᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴄᴀɴ ᴀᴛᴛᴀɪɴ ʜᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇss, sᴏ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴀɴʏ ᴏғ ɪᴛ, ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴄᴏᴍᴇ ɪᴛ, ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴄᴏᴍᴇ ɪᴛ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʙᴇ ᴀ ᴋɪᴅ ᴡʜᴏsᴇ sᴏᴜʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ɢʀᴏᴡs. "

 THE BOY

The boy can’t sleep because he’s plagued by bad memories from his past. The boy became an adult but still stays unhappy.

Moon Sang Tae

On one level we are shown Moon Sang Tae, the protagonist’s brother with autism, having the same issues as the boy. He is plagued by memories of the past when he witnessed the murder of his mother. He can not give information about this incident because it leads him to having severe anxiety. He also is visited by these memories yearly, and they cause him to act out and causes a need for his brother to take him away from the area. Normally what causes this trigger is the imagery of butterflies coming to attack him. In this way Sang Tae is like the boy in the fairy tale. He’s plagued by these memories he’s desperate to escape from, and it repeats in a cycle. He doesn’t want to remember his mother’s death, but he’s stuck in this cycle and can’t escape the trauma. But with his, he has not been able like the boy to find a witch to take away the nightmares. In this case I don’t think he’s the only person who the boy represents. 

Moon Gang Tae

Gang Tae also acts as someone who can represent the boy. He has memories of his mum’s murder and how it affected his brother, he’s plagued by the mystery of the death and the link to these butterflies. And he hates how these nightmares affect his life when he must reroute and begin again in a different area after his brother acts out. He’s also hunted by the idea of the butterflies but instead of a visual way like his brother, the butterflies hunt him metaphorically. The butterflies represent him the past and the memories that also keep him on edge. I also think he doesn’t sleep because he must make sure his brother doesn’t have nightmares around the time these butterflies start to appear. The difference with his is that he has not yet had these memories removed, he runs from them by avoiding the situation, seeing the cycle as a norm in his life he can’t escape. This is so he can control the situation. He avoids relationships with people and sees his stays in places as temporary. He takes other side jobs in case the other one fails, so he can have enough money each time to start over. Just as the witch gives advice to the boy, it’s Gang Tae who realises that this advice is for him. Instead of running away and avoiding the memories he must confront and use them to move forward. Therefore, he chooses to return to his old hometown. He realises his brother as well also isn’t desperate to avoid the situation even if he can’t help reacting to his nightmares. 

Moo Young

On the other hand the boy also represents Moo Young.  That’s how I first saw it as before seeing Sang Tae’s memories. The witch specifically says to the boy “ʜᴜʀᴛғᴜʟ, ᴘᴀɪɴғᴜʟ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛs, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ʜᴜɴᴛɪɴɢ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀs ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʜᴜʀᴛ, ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ᴏғ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴀɴᴅᴏɴᴇᴅ, ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ sᴜᴄʜ ᴍᴇᴍᴏʀɪᴇs ʙᴜʀɪᴇᴅ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛs ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇᴄᴏᴍᴇ sᴛʀᴏɴɢᴇʀ, ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴘᴀssɪᴏɴᴀᴛᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟʟʏ ғʟᴇxɪʙʟᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴏsᴇ ᴄᴀɴ ᴀᴛᴛᴀɪɴ ʜᴀᴘᴘɪɴᴇss, sᴏ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ғᴏʀɢᴇᴛ ᴀɴʏ ᴏғ ɪᴛ, ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ɪᴛ ᴀʟʟ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴄᴏᴍᴇ ɪᴛ, ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴏᴠᴇʀᴄᴏᴍᴇ ɪᴛ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʙᴇ ᴀ ᴋɪᴅ ᴡʜᴏsᴇ sᴏᴜʟ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ɢʀᴏᴡs”

 I think this phrase foreshadows and gives us an inkling or clues to what happened in the past. I am on the side that Moo Young’s own nightmares/flashbacks of being strangled by her father is also connected to Gang Tae’s situation. Because they met each other at that age where things went south. So, I believe that she has a connection to the murder of Gang Tae’s mum, I’m not thinking she was the one who did it. But I have a feeling she interfered and here’s why using these hints.

DEEP REGRETS AND HURTING OTHERS/ BEING HURT

First, the witch describes the boy’s memories as memories of actions he deeply regrets. My theory is that whatever caused Moo Young’s family to act out on her relates to her ASPD and she has regrets for causing her family to suffer because of it. Not on purpose, she can’t control the situation and like I said she doesn’t hurt people intentionally. She does it as a defence mechanism. But with her disorder, and her own story at the beginning about the girl who was a monster, it’s her mother who called her a monster and said she would be all alone. This hints again that her family probably had issues with her disorder. Her father may be strangling her because he believes he brought a monster into the world and he needs to end her life, or she may have done something, and he tried to defend himself? (not sure on this tbh) 

There’s also this chilling hint that she’s involved with whatever happened to her mother’s ‘death’. It’s been found out that her mother will actually return in the show and she is not actually dead, but Moo Young declared her as officially dead. So that’s also interesting.

 BEING ABANDONED AND LONLINESS/ISOLATION

This also links to another part of the memories the witch mentions, the memories of being abandoned. Moo Young probably feels abandoned by her family because of their lack of love for her because of her disorder, and she also feels abandoned by the world because of how they view her. She also feels abandoned by Gang Tae when he was a child because he ran away from her because of her killing the butterflies. This is also another thing to understand about this character even if she doesn’t feel emotions because of her disorder, she still feels wronged for how people view her actions.

STRENGTH AND CONTROL

 This brings me back to what she wants to use these fairy tales for in her life. To have control over her own life instead of being controlled by her disorder which she probably doesn’t even think she has. She fails to realise she needs therapy. But she wants to become stronger so no one can hurt her, like she knows she’s being attacked by people who want to use her disorder to ruin her (the book reviewer she pushed of the stairs), she wants to be come more passionate despite the fact that she struggles to do so, she clearly is passionate about fairy tales and about protecting people wronged. She shows this because of how she defends Gang Tae, and how she defends the little girl whose dad wanted to hurt her in episode 1. She also sadly wants to become emotionally flexible, but she can’t because of her disorder. 

Again I mentioned her stories are all about futility and lack of control, she wants to be able to do things but she knows she’s not like that, she can’t feel like others, even pain which has been shown numerous times so far (she’s not afraid to be hurt, she uses a knife on her self to make a point). And just like the boy is desperate to become happy and in control of his emotions instead of being stuck and hunted by the emptiness of his nightmares. She also wants to be happy and normal instead of being stuck with her lack of emotions and with the emptiness of her memories of the people who left her(her father is in hospital she doesn’t see him and avoids him, her mum is missing, Gang Tae was not in her life for a while). In the end like the boy she feels alone.

Which brings me to her seeing herself instead as the other character which will be discussed in part 2.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello Steph, you wonderful person!! Thank you so much for all the work you put into your blog. It’s such an amazing resource for the fandom! I was wondering if you knew any fics where either John or Sherlock are super!BAMF specifically under the circumstances when the other is threatened. I’d love to read some kind of scenario where one of them is threatened and the other says something along the lines of “if you touch one hair on his head...” Thank you for any suggestions on this theme!

Hi Nonny!

AHHHH I love those kinds of fics! I think I classify those ones under “Protective Johnlock” so it’s sort of… shoved into those ones? LOL. I’ve recently posted a Protective Sherlock list, so you can check out that one, and see these others below! I know I have a tonne more but I am still sorting through all my fics, LOL. So I hope what I have sorted for you, hope that these are what you’re looking for!!

PROTECTIVE JOHNLOCK (BOTH)

See also: 

Protective Sherlock

BAMF! But Insecure John

New World, Old Words by thedeafwriter (G, 641 w. || Deaf Sherlock, Sherlock Whump, Pining Sherlock, Marriage Proposal, Fluff, Always John) – It was disconcerting to experience. One second, he was laying on the table, breathing in the gas that would make him sleep, the next, he was dragging his eyes open to look around the bright room, trying to wake up.

Idiot by Anesthesiologist (T, 1,229 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Alternate TGG / Explosion, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Inner Monologue, John Saves Sherlock, POV Sherlock) – What the heck happened? He remembered the pool and Moriarty, but then what? Had he been dying?

29 January 2017 by wearitcounts (Sher_locked_up) (E, 1,765 w. || Anniversary, First Time, Insecure Sherlock, Love Confessions, Post-S4) – “That,” John says, “should have happened years ago. Maybe even the first time.”

Loudly Unspoken by Mount_Seleya (M, 1,871 w. || Post-TAB, Love Confessions, Vulnerable Sherlock, Frottage) – John confronts Sherlock about the words he left unsaid on the tarmac. Set immediately after TAB

The Rational Machine by Solstice Zero (K, 2,924 w. || Hurt / Comfort, Malnourishment / Fainting, Doctor / Minder John) – Sherlock passes out. John muses on the reasons why. Containing an absorbing case, two bags of shopping, and a few apples.

It Was All Right There In Front of Him (A Five Times Plus One Story) by bees_stories (T, 3,191 w. || 5+1, Protective Idiots, Grooming, Bed Sharing, Lestrade POV) – DI Greg Lestrade is a good detective. But sometimes he doesn’t trust the evidence in front of him, until there’s a compelling reason to do so.

Breakfast, acronyms and brotherhood by Rose de Sharon (K+, 4,074 w. || TBB Fic, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Protective John, Fluff) – Set after The Blind Banker: my take of Sherlock and John’s conversation over breakfast. S/J friendship, bromance, no slash.

Unforgiven by 221b_hound (M, 4,721 w. || Marriage Proposal, Victor Trevor, Jealous / Protective John, Jealous Sherlock, Sherlock’s Past) – Sherlock’s latest case is for his ex boyfriend, the brilliant and handsome Professor Victor Trevor. John is not too happy about that. But things aren’t what they seem, an old friend of John’s is involved in the case, and John has a few surprises up his sleeve. Also - a proposal! Part 16 of Unkissed

The Refining Fire by Arwen Jade Kenobi (T, 5,451 w. || Post-TGG AU, Angst, Friendship, Alternating POV (Lestrade, Mycroft, Sherlock), Worried Sherlock, Hospital Recovery) – Fire can burn things to ashes, but it can also burn things together.

Coldness/Heat by agirlsname (E, 3,790 w. || Cuddling & Snuggling, Body Heat, New Year’s Eve, PWP, Bedsharing, Frottage) – The inn is booked up on New Year’s Eve. The train home is cancelled because of the snow. The only option is to sleep in the non-heated guest room of a client, and John and Sherlock are freezing. You know where this is going. Part 1 of New Year’s Kiss

And Here We Are by J_Baillier (T, 12,416 w. || ASiP Fic, Alternating First Person POV, Drama, Friendship, Mild Case Fic, Autism Spectrum Sherlock, Insecure Sherlock, Protective John, Pining, Homophobia, Loneliness, Angst, Humour, Domestics, Morbid Fluff, Kidnapping) – All the little things we never got to see when an army doctor and a consulting detective were adjusting to sharing a flat. And a life.

Just Like That by sussexbound (E, 8,442 w. || First Time/Kiss, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock, French Kissing, Anal, Emotional Lovemaking, Enthusiastic Consent, Tenderness, Crying John, Bathing/Washing, Insecure John, Toplock) – John doesn’t want to talk anymore. He wants. Oh dear god, how he wants. For the first time in what feels like years he WANTS.

Shuteye Shenanigans by Ayakae (K+, 13,263 w. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Epic Bromance, John’s Nightmares, Angsty Fluff, Bed Sharing, Humour, Cuddles, Taking Care of Each Other, Domestics) – John Watson has never slept with Sherlock Holmes. Never ever ever. And never will, thank you very much. Well, there was that one time, but John didn’t count that. It was completely different, just like the second time it happened. And the third. And the fourth. Epic bromance, but it can be read as pre-slash if you wish.

First Response by Arwen Jade Kenobi (T, 13,516 w. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Five and Ones, Whump / Injury) – Five times John had to perform first aid on Sherlock and one time Sherlock had to perform it on John.

In A Changing Age by allonsys_girl (E, 15,590 w. || Victorian AU, Virgin / Demi Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Mild H/C, Bottomlock) – Sherlock wakes up in the 19th century, with no idea how he got there.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea by DiscordantWords (M, 39,968 w. || Post S4 Fix It || Grief / Mourning, Victor Trevor, Friendship, Sherlock is Not Okay, Nightmares/Flashbacks/Panic Attacks, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John Comes Home) – Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.

The Real Great Perfumers by shelleysprometheus (E, 45,355 w. || Case Fic, Alternating POV, Gay Sherlock / Bi John, Canon Compliant with Divergence at TRF, Friends to Lovers, Oral / Anal, Pining, First Kiss / Time, Dev. Rel., Drugging, Body Worship, Bathing, Love Confessions, Travelling, Bottomlock, Cranky Sherlock, BJ’s, Alternating POV, Jealous John) – The case, this case. This extraordinary, fascinating, scintillating case. A house. Designed entirely by its eccentric owner, built by no less than five hundred expert tradesmen in the heart of Marrakesh. A house that had, seemingly not only driven its owner out, but also to his quite unpleasant death. And a perfumer, a chemist no less, the very thought of the secrets that house could reveal, would reveal was irresistible. Sherlock had to have this case … and it seems, he also had to have John! Part 1 of the Forethought and Fire series

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because…new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride… prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn’t have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Cost of a Wish by slashscribe (E, 102,493 w. || xxxHolic Fusion || Spirits / Ghosts and Magic, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Soul Mates / Fated Lovers, Adventure, Immortal Sherlock, Powerful John, POV John, Frottage, Wish Granting, Angst with Happy Ending, Nightmares) – John has been plagued by a secret his entire life that has made him feel hopeless until he meets a mysterious, seemingly omniscient man named Sherlock Holmes who owns a wish-granting shop. Their meeting sets off a series of inevitable events that will change the course of both of their lives forever.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller, Switchlock, Rimming, Emotional Lovemaking, Lots of Sex, HJ/BJ’s) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship’s surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there’s more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin’ the eye, he has to choose… is it a pirate’s life for him?

Unkissed Series by 221b_hound (T to E, 184,168 w. across 46 works || Established Relationship, Ace Sherlock) – Sherlock returned from the dead a year ago. John returned to Baker Street six months ago. They’ve been in a couple since then. or at least, not NOT a couple. For two smart men, they sure can be dumb. Luckily, an art thief tries to drown Sherlock, Sherlock has a fever dream and things are about to change.