#my art skills only go so far
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Happy (inofficial) Birthday TK Strand 🎈
thanks for bringing this event to us @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut
#tkstrandturns30#god this character means so much to me#a lot of personal reasons#but also just the obvious way he fought to be the sunshine lizard-lover with the biggest heart and the worst medical track record there is#just#tk strand#911 lone star#911 lone star art#don't love how this turned out but it is what it is#my art skills only go so far
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AUTH - All that I ask is, keep those empty frames.
AUTH - If nobody’s in them, then no one is to blame.
PANSY - For your self-portraits, sign another name...
PANSY - Well, who should I be then, if I’ll never be the same?
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Yeah, we have two Authority fictives. Yeah, they're dating each other btw. Cringe is dead :) Anyways,
#my art#artists on tumblr#disco elysium#the skills disco elysium#authority de#authority disco elysium#the skills de#skilltober#fun fact the original idea for this was gonna be Gayer but Authy had an anxiety about it. so. djdjfjdjfnfn#Auth is on the left and Pansy is on the right!#they look damn near identical which makes sense they're the same person but fun fact pansy has heart shaped pupils#BTW I WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR while everyone who's rbed has been like spot on with pronouns so far. Pansy uses she/her Only.#and Auth does not give a shit about pronouns go wild xhdhandjjfjfd
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excited for their new song ^^
open for better quality | no reposts
#plave#nam yejun#kpop#fanart#myart#doodle#unrelated but i love how my 'getting into an obsession' process is illustrated through my o.rv and plave art#within the duration of a week i go from rough mindless doodle -> chibis -> actual rendered piece#anyway i know they only have a few title tracks out but i love their style so far so i'm looking forward to this early christmas present#i've been watching their lives in mostly reverse chronological order and they make me laugh sm#i wish i could catch them live but timezones are rough... still the vods are nice to have in the bg while drawing or doing chores#and yeah i've gotten to know the members a bit more and they are so dear to me#i've said this so many times already but they're all so skilled and earnest and i want to see them succeed ;u;#outpouring my love for plave (abridged due to character limit) in my tags lol#plave fanart
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lmao I called academy of art asking if they provide individual classes for non-students and when I asked how much each class typically runs the cs agent took a pause, audibly sighed, and pitched her voice lower in disappointment to tell me it’s three thousand per semester per class ☠️
#guess I will NOT be doing that Jesus Christ#I really regret not going to an art school tbh I have a terrible foundation no self-discipline#and now my ideas far outpace what I want to create lmao#I did sign up for a 6 week figure drawing class but it’s of course only once a week 😔#text post tag#*far outpace my skills and what I want to create#but also art school would’ve ruined me in a different way so grass is always green right….
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the difference btwn irl and online perspective on creativity is so funny to me and idk if I'll ever get used to the stark contrast of it all.
IRL when I mention that I draw and write, people act like I'm some super talented creative genius(???). they don't seem to understand the concept of OCs, and if I try to vaguely touch on my DL project they get visibly overwhelmed no matter how simple I make it for them, and eventually they settle on just insisting that I need to publish traditionally and monetize on it. they don't seem to have the ability to understand the concept of zines and immersive storytelling through non-traditional means.
but then i get online and I'm just another drop in the ocean and always a very mediocre drop at that LMAO, I constantly fight with myself to feel like there is any sort of value to my stories and art, and there's hundreds of people doing the sort of thing that I do but even better than I could ever dream of doing!
it's just so strange going from interacting with this online to IRL, I feel like I'm getting whiplash from being largely ignored or scoffed at online (which I'm fine with btw lol I grew up with that in my family and now I get nervous when I get too much attention) to people at the centre treating me like I'm some kind of artistic genius who cannot be understood because I'm too far above their level 😭
#i simplify the things i talk about so much too like djdksl i rly make it as easy as possible to understand#i continue to simplify things more and more when i talk to ppl. i get vaguer and vaguer. and yet !!!!#it rly is not difficult to understand i feel like ??? the concept of zines is just so simple really#but these ppl are all so deeply entrenched in traditional novels that the concept of a zine is far outside their understanding ig 😭#im just dhfjdls struggling going back and forth btwn these two spaces of online vs IRL#the thing is that i do just want to share my ideas w ppl! i enjoy it!#and i want to hear their ideas too!#but everyone is so weird irl to me about it ??? like. calm down. im a little freak. do not treat me like im way beyond ur understanding!!#if u played w me in the space then u would see oh actually art is smth everyone can engage in!!!#art is not for ''talented'' people only!!! everyone can make it!!! u gain skill the longer u work on it!!#i prefer sharing stuff online bc of this fjdkdl but then online has its drawbacks too#i have a hard time not being mean to myself abt how my work does not measure up to other ppls fjfkdl#which is silly bc i LOOOVE seeing ppl make art no matter what their skill level or whatnot#and i get sad seeing ppl be down on themselves abt their creations#but ... idk sbdjdl I'm rambling LOL i was just thinking abt how strange all this is#sorry for the weird ramble post LOL this is probably smth that should go on my main account but too late now fjdkdl#dandy.cmd#vent //#not rly meaning for this to be a vent but i think perhaps it has some flavours of being one LOL
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"La Grande Guerre de Kalos"
Get ready to see "La Grande Guerre du futur de Kalos" when it releases both in theaters and on streaming services on September 17th!
"After a disaster strikes Kalos, one man loses hope in humanity. Can a group of trainers save humanity from the man's wrath, or will the world be cleansed of humanity's 'filth'?"
I absolutely loved taking part in this film, and I hope you all enjoy the wonderful work put into this movie by the special staff hired exclusively for this film!
It's a tale that, to put it simply, cannot be described in a few words. It tells a tale of both fiction and reality, one that you would not even know existed in real life had you not been involved in the network of lies and discreet secrets holding the underworld of Kalos together. It also shows how everyone can help make the world a better place, so long as you try and put forth the care towards others.
Also, due to specific strikes ongoing in the modern day film industry, I personally hired every employee here and had paid them with the money I have saved up throughout my lifetime, to ensure a proper filmmaking process without any trouble for any employees. I do not support the misconduct in the proper film industry, and thus we ensured this film did not support any of those horrid actions in any way. Honestly quite sad that this had to be specified...
#champion diantha#pokemon diantha#pkmn irl#pokeirl#poke rp#pokemon#pkmn rp#pokémon#La Grande Guerre de Kalos#//literally it means “The Great Kalos War”#//i tried so hard to make it look like a legit movie poster please don't bully me /hj#//my photo-editing skills can only go so far#//shoutout to the pokemon masters villain arc for having such amazing art as well
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OC-Tober Day 15: Meme. I'd been working on a different picture for this one, but then realized I could kill two birds with one stone! My OC Rex is the tall one in the group shot.
#wards draws#wards oc-tober 2023#oc: tears in the rain#when most of the party is looking at one NPC Respectfully sdfkjs#i know morningstar has a better butt than this but my drawing skills can only go so far#devil's west tag#devil's west art
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I randomly looked thru all my random sketches/unfinished wip files and I'm just mentally shaking past Catie like "WHY DIDNT YOU FINISH THESE!?"
#ugh theres a few i really want to finish#bcs i think the sketches are genuinely rly goor#<- not a brag. when i sketch or finish art i tend to hate it at first glance but come to love it after a period of time#so im looking at these like huh why did i think these were just nonsense/bad#but god its so hard to jump back into an old project#cause yeah the sketch looks good but its probably so far removed from my current level of skill#theres one i almost just wanna post the sketches of it and be done with it#bcs ive thought abt it so long and i go look at it longingly like every week#but its one of those things where you feel like even if you finished it +#it either wont look good as it does in your head or its not as dynamic/passionate as the og sketch yknow?#my drawing files are just a weird mix of being an absolute graveyard of sketches but also are next to my masterworks 😭#i think its good for your brain to sketch and you dont have to 'finish' everything you ever start#<- but at the same point theres some wips that make me groan bcs i reallt want them to be finished#oh chair wip i think i might have to re-sketch you if i ever wanna finish you. even tho ive really warmed to the original sketches </3#well ah anyways i think maybe matador seb will be my next thing#i wanna draw chibis again too i think#i drew them too much for a while and felt like i was losing my painting abilties#and now i only paint 💀 so its so ?????#catie.rambling.txt
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okay we need to have an intervention.
i've noticed that people don't leave the same kind of unhinged compliments under fanfics that visual artists usually receive (eg, "i want to eat your art"), so i've come up with a list that you need to start employing when your friends send you their WIPs and when your favorites update on ao3 but you're having a hard time commenting something that sounds intelligent and you still want to support them
"you're like if [famos author] (eg, Victor Hugo if the fic is angst) was into [fandom]"
"well THIS has been added to my pre-sleep daydream schedule"
"this fic invaded my mind and consumed my brain like a spore"
"I'M LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS ONE, FOLKS"
"yOu'Ve AlReAdY lEfT kUdOs HeRe"
"this fic has me scratching at my yellow wallpaper, it's so good"
"this fic has me checking under my floorboards for the heart of a kind man i murdered, it's so good"
"i'm making my parents read this"
"i know only one chapter is out so far, but i'm going to print this out, staple it together, and put it on my bookshelf next to the canon material"
"this fic gave me another mental illness"
(you can only do this one once) "i made an ao3 account specifically to bookmark this"
"i'm going to print this out so i can eat the words on the paper"
and a couple that are just nice (without the feral nature):
"i made a custom playlist to listen to while i read this fic"
"this fic reminds me of [song]"
"i really liked the part where [x], it really stuck with me"
"i really liked this line, [quote the line,] it was so well-written!"
artists: draw fanart of the fic!! it doesn't matter if you think your art skills are good and it doesnt matter if it's just a sketch!! let the author see it!!
make a moodboard!! for the fic!! let the author see it!!
#váli.txt#fanfic#fanfic authors#fanfic author#fanartist#fandom#ao3#wattpad#fanfiction#fandom culture#writers on ao3#writers on tumblr#fanfic writing#fanfic writer#fanfic compliments#fanfiction comments#fanfic comments#artists support#support fanfic writers
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Your future spouse's favourite thing about you! PAC reading
pick your image!
Pile 1: King of Pentacles, 5 of Swords, 4 of Pentacles, Page of Wands rev.
Ok so your future spouse is really going to like your bold and strong personality. The song that popped up in my head was "Boss B*tch" by Doja Cat. I see you having this cool aura and not letting people walk over you. You can come off as intimidating or strong but you do have a soft side to you :) I see your future spouse being really intrigued by your vibe. I'm also seeing money here, perhaps some of you have good jobs. You might have gone through some issues where you used to get walked over and people would treat you in a negative way. Now you're healing and you don't let negative people in your life. You're not arrogant or rude but you're willing to set boundaries for yourself. I see you guys having quite some confidence! What also popped up in my mind is a powerful lady wearing dark red. Like those vibes are heavily coming out in this reading!! A lot of powerful woman vibes! (You don't have to be a woman but I hope you're getting the vision that's popping up in my mind hehe).
Pile 2: The Magician, 6 of Cups, 9 of Swords, 8 of Pentacles, 7 of Swords, 2 of Wands.
Okay Pile two, I see your future spouse really liking your creative side! It seems that we have a lot of creatives here! From tarot to arts and craft, to singing and crocheting!! There's some activity that you're either really skilled at or just enjoy that your future spouse will find cute about you. It seems to be something you're quite passionate about and enjoy doing it. (Some of you guys might have even taken it as far as to do a little side hustle with it!). Your future spouse doesn't only see your craft but they also see your hardworking side and the amount of effort and precision that's put into this. I'll interpret the 7 of Swords as some of you that might have thought that you're not as good at whatever you do. I see some of you guys having little to no confidence. This doesn't have to do with your art work but also your self esteem in general, I see your future spouse heavily disagreeing with this because they'll love your personality and whatever you do!
Pile 3: 8 of Swords, Death rev, The Empress, The Devil, Ace of Swords, 6 of Swords.
Sooo pile 3, I see your future spouse being very interested in your appearance, especially your body 👀. It's not like in a creepy way that they're objectifying you or anything but I see them just really like your appearance and your features. Your energy reminds me of the The Empress card (I'm using the modern witch deck). She's confident in herself and her body. I see you guys having this sort of aura that pulls your future spouse in. They might find themselves feeling very drawn to you, almost like a spell ahahaha. Your future spouses might at first be attracted to this and this might lead them to want to know more about you and find themselves being a bit intimidated? Like when you're a bit intimidated around someone but you still want to get with them. Some of you guys might have partners from a different ethnicity/race/nationality. I see your partner really liking your culture and would try to learn a lot about it. Like they might try to learn your language and travel to your home place. For this pile your future spouse will put in a lot of effort to understand you 🥺.
Pile 4: The Tower, The Hermit, Page of Wands, 4 of Pentacles, 10 of Swords, Death.
This pile seems to be the shyiest of them all! Some of y'all might be naturally shy while the other side might have been sort of "bullied" into being introverted. There's a lot of heavy energy in this pile, a lot of you guys have a lot of heavy baggage that you're still suffering the effects of. The hermit tells me that a lot of you guys like to keep to yourselves and stay alone. You might not go out of wanting to connect with people because you're worried and scared about new connections. You close yourself out so you'll probably be quite hesitant when it comes to starting a new connection with your future spouse. I see them trying though even though you'll be a bit stubborn. They'll like it though, I see them wanting to chase you and do their best to get with you. They'll be intrigued by your mysterious presence and will want to know more about you! Not like they're trying to be nosey but they're just very curious about you!
#kpop tarot#tarot#pac reading#pac tarot reading#pac tarot#pick a card#pick a pile#paid tarot reading#free tarot#free tarot reading#tarotblr#tarot paid readings#future spouse tarot
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I was wondering! Bout the AU! [I really like the concept by the way and I am VERY interestedddd] Does someone else take the lead instead of Siffrin to avoid possibly looping again? Or do they allow him to still take the lead and only intervene when a possible loop approaches?
Siffrin is no longer allowed to take the lead.
They used to have the babysitter approach and let him lead but siffrin is... a handful, he shouldn't be let loose, after a few loops everyone decides "we are not letting our VERY CURIOUS and VERY FAST low-level rogue poke around and keep dying" and so they don't.
As for Siffrin's self-steem being affected by being out of the loop! you hit the nail on the head, they are having a terrible time. I am doing a comic about it right now (it will probably be the very next comic I finish since i didn't like how my wip for the pineapple comic turned out) so if you want to wait for it, i'll leave the more in dept reply/ wip of a part of the comic, below.
Siffrin self-esteem is brutally beaten in this au.
if the party dismisses Siffrin for the sake of efficiency too much, Siffrin will gain a new memory.
The party gains a lot of insight into his issues from this memory. They confront Siffrin and get a pretty sweet bonding moment with him!
If this dismissive approach happens in later loops and they ignore him cause they 'don't have time to babysit sif' the traveler will slowly become desperate to be helpful, going as far as to lose HP trying to read the forgotten language, since it is the one thing no one can do in the party.
In the last stage of the "dismiss siffrin, he won't remember this loop anyways" route, if NOTHING is done to make him feel loved or needed or at least comforted, he'll learn the skill [I can help!] which makes him steal someone's damage in battle. It's... not a very useful skill since he is the character with the lowest HP in the party and things that will seriously damage any party member would instantaneously knock Sif down.
EDIT: Siffrin abandon his weapon and uses rock craft when using [I can help!], the idea was taken from @/dailysiffrin art. This one!.
#thank you both for the asks! I answering both at the same time cause i feel like it is related#siffrin? more like sif is out au#isat#in stars and time
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Shun the Light
Requested by @dee-writes-smut
Pairing: Helion x Fem!Reader
Summary: Helion has been attempting to get reader into his bed for years now, what happens when she finally gives in?
Warnings: smut | minors dni | fingering | p in v | creampie | controlled orgasm | dom/sub dynamics | so much banter | so much smut | they break a table | they do it on the floor | probably a lot more
A. Note: I think this is the longest fic I’ve ever posted so apologies for the wild word count, but also most of this is smut so you’re very welcome ;)
9.6k words.
Sitting in a large, worn leather chair positioned in a secluded corner of the library, I was half-hidden by towering shelves of books. The room was steeped in quiet, interrupted only by the occasional creak of the shelves under their heavy load or the soft turning of a page. The smell of old parchment mingled with the lingering scent of rich mahogany and leather—a sanctuary of knowledge and peace. And yet, even here, there was no escaping the High Lord.
"You've been avoiding me." Helion's voice cut through the tranquil silence with a casual grace, as he rounded one of the shelves that had been sheltering me. His amber eyes gleamed mischievously as he approached, a book tucked under his muscular arm. I highly doubted it was for actual reading.
"And you've been following me," I replied dryly, eyes fixed on my book. The words on the page blurred slightly, my pulse quickening from the mere presence of him.
"This is my personal library," he countered smoothly, leaning against the shelf, his broad frame casting a shadow over me. His proximity was a cage, yet the alcove still felt oddly cozy. "I'd say you're the one hoping to run into me." He gestured at the books surrounding us, a small portion of his vast collection, his smile all too knowing. "Besides, I happen to like reading."
The soft, golden light from a nearby lamp warmed the deep brown of his skin, making him look almost otherworldly as if carved from the light itself. I forced myself to stay calm, sinking deeper into the chair as I replied, "What book is that, then?" My chin jerked toward the novel he held so proudly, though I leaned back, attempting to appear indifferent.
With one of his signature smirks, Helion pulled the book from under his arm, holding it out like a grand reveal. "The Art of Seduction," he mused, his voice dripping with confidence.
"Subtle," I muttered, tossing him a glare before trying to lose myself in my own book again. The pages held nothing for me, not while Helion loomed over me with that look in his eyes. That ever-present challenge.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't leave. "Thought I could brush up on my skills, seeing as you seem so indifferent to my irresistible charm," he chimed, far too pleased with himself as he slid into the chair directly in front of mine, uninvited.
I narrowed my eyes, fighting back the heat rising in my cheeks. "Really? Out of every seat in this library, you choose that one?"
He shrugged, his casual air too relaxed for someone invading my space. "Well, you've stolen my usual one, so I must make do with lesser options." His lips twitched, eyes gleaming with amusement as he cracked open the book he clearly had no intention of reading, propping his feet up on the low table between us.
I stared, incredulous. "They're the same chair."
Helion gave a slow, almost imperceptible nod, his eyes flashing with humor. "True, but that one smells like me."
I froze for a moment, my fingers going still against the soft leather of the armrest. The faint, intoxicating scent of sandalwood and bergamot swirled around me, and I cursed inwardly. It was familiar, inescapable, and frustratingly warm, like the High Lord himself. My gaze flicked up to his, and for the first time, he seemed genuinely absorbed in his book, a small line forming between his brows as if the words were the most fascinating thing in the world.
I had to stifle a laugh at the sight. I wasn't sure he'd ever actually read a single page of his vast collection, yet there he was, looking like a scholar lost in study.
We fell into a comfortable silence—Helion reading, or pretending to read, and me half-heartedly flipping through my book, both of us mirroring each other, our feet propped up on the table in an unspoken truce. The moment felt oddly peaceful, and for a brief second, I allowed myself to enjoy it.
But, of course, it didn't last.
Only a few moments later, Helion shut his book with a soft thud, and I felt his foot nudge mine from across the table. I resisted the urge to respond, cursing his long limbs and moving my legs out of his reach, but he persisted—sending a glare of sunlight directly into my line of sight, making it nearly impossible to read.
"Would you stop that?" I snapped, lowering my book and glaring at him from beneath my brows. He only grinned, looking far too pleased with himself.
"What book is that?" he asked as if the answer mattered.
I sighed. "Some random one I found on the shelves." It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the truth, either.
"Sunshine," he drawled, his voice like velvet as he leaned forward slightly, "I've read every book in this library. That one, I'm not familiar with."
I ignored him, focusing back on my book, though I wasn't reading a single word. The heat from his gaze felt palpable, like sunlight warming my skin.
"What is it?" he pressed again, his voice dripping with faux curiosity. His fingers twitched, and I braced myself as yet another glare of sunlight angled right into my eyes.
"I'm not telling," I muttered, holding up my forearm to shield my face from the assault.
Helion chuckled softly. "I'm commanding you to tell me, as High Lord," he said, the playful light still dancing at his fingertips.
"Why do you care so much?" I grumbled, slamming my book shut with an exaggerated huff.
He leaned back, eyes never leaving mine. "I wish to know what could possibly be more interesting than me." His smirk widened as if the very thought was inconceivable.
I said nothing, my silence was the only answer I was willing to give.
"How about a bet?" he suggested, the gleam in his eyes unmistakable. "If I can make you smile in the next five minutes, you have to tell me what you're reading."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "And if you lose?"
Helion's smirk softened into something more sincere. "I'll leave you alone for the rest of the night."
A tempting offer. I considered it for a moment, imagining a night of uninterrupted reading, free from his constant prattling.
"Deal. Five minutes," I said, returning to my book.
For a while, Helion was silent, the ticking clock in my mind counting down the seconds. But knowing him, he probably believed he didn't need the full-time—that one well-timed sentence would be enough.
"You look adorable with your nose stuffed in a book," he murmured, breaking the silence. His voice was softer now, more intimate, like a confession shared in the quiet of a night.
I rolled my eyes. "That's usually what people do in a library."
Helion's smile widened. "And yet, I find myself much more interested in studying you."
"Why don't you leave me alone and go read your book? Maybe you'll learn how to actually charm me," I shot back, trying to ignore the way his words made my pulse race.
"I could recite poetry and still fall short," he sighed dramatically as if I truly had him beat.
Despite myself, a smile tugged at my lips at the absurdity of it all.
"There it is," he marveled, his voice a soft victory.
My fleeting smile turned into a scowl. "That doesn't count. I was smiling at the thought of you leaving me alone."
Helion laughed. "A smile is a smile." He extended his hand, eyes glinting. "So, show me the book."
I look down to the page I was on—to the very erotic scene playing out that I hadn't even realized was happening, too busy pretending to read when he was talking to me to even realize.
"I—no," I murmur, slamming my book shut.
"We had a deal, so unless you want to have permanent bargain tattoos with me, I suggest you hand it over." He quipped and I frowned at the idea of something so permanent on my body being associated with him.
"Fine," I grumble, holding the book out to him with a string of grumbled curses. He takes the book, his fingers brushing over mine—the touch shooting rays of warmth up my arm. I shake it off and settle back into my chair which smelt so strongly of him.
Helion crosses his ankle over his knee, reclining back in his chair with the casual confidence that seems permanently etched into his being. His long, golden fingers lazily flip over my book, turning it to read the back. I watch as his brow arches and the corner of his mouth tugs upward.
"Reading about me, are we?" His voice breaks the silence, low and teasing, pulling my attention from my own thoughts. His gaze flickers up to mine, gleaming with amusement.
My head tilts in confusion, a frown forming. "It's not about you. How self-centered can you possibly get?" I scoff, reaching for the book with a frustrated hand, but he pulls it just out of reach with an effortless motion.
"A king falling for his emissary?" he continues, ignoring my protest. His fingers tap against the page in emphasis. "Sounds familiar, no?"
His eyes, molten gold in the dim library light, lock with mine, a teasing smile dancing on his lips. My pulse quickens, not from the question itself, but from the look on his face—the playful way he studies me like I'm a puzzle to be solved.
"My book, Helion," I demand, extending my arm towards him, though it feels like a futile gesture. He watches me closely, a cat toying with its prey.
"In a moment." He waves off my request with a casual flick of his hand, settling deeper into the oversized chair that barely manages to hold his broad frame. He opens the book, his eyes landing right on the page marked by my ribbon. My heart stutters in my chest. No, no, no. He's going to read that part. I freeze, eyes wide as I watch his expression for any sign of disgust or, worse, judgment.
But there's nothing. His lips curl into a slow smile, amusement dancing in his gaze. "This is far better than I could have ever imagined," he purrs, a wicked light entering his eyes as he lets the book fall closed and tosses it onto the table between us, entirely unbothered.
"I'm doing a book club with the Valkyries. It wasn't my first choice," I mumble quickly, snatching the book back from the table. My fingers are trembling slightly, and I hope he doesn't notice. The truth is, I was mortified.
Helion, of course, doesn't seem fazed by my embarrassment. "No need to defend yourself. Although," he leans back with a leisurely stretch, his muscles rippling beneath his tunic, "I have an entire shelf of erotica in the back that's much better written. And doesn't use words like 'velvet-wrapped steel.'"
Heat floods my cheeks, a fierce blush creeping up my neck. "Shouldn't you be doing High Lord stuff?" I grumble, trying to deflect, my mortification reaching new heights. "Not pestering me?"
"My court is asleep." He shrugs as if the affairs of his court are a mere inconvenience. "Nothing happens in the Day Court after the sun goes down." He huffs like it's a travesty, though there's a gleam in his eye suggesting he prefers it that way. "Well, nothing for the public eye anyway," he adds with a sultry grin, his eyes darkening, his voice dripping with innuendo.
I roll my eyes, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a reaction. "You still have land to rule. People to govern. They don't disappear just because they're asleep." I remind him, though I can't help but let my gaze flicker to the strong line of his jaw, the way his dimples deepen when he smiles.
"Delegation, my dear," he responds, his tone infuriatingly smug. "The key to any successful leader."
"If only you could delegate your need for constant attention," I shoot back, offering a sweet smile that hides my annoyance.
His shoulders slump in an exaggerated show of disappointment, his hand dramatically pressed to his chest. "Well, that just wouldn't work. There's only one person I want attention from."
The weight of his words hangs in the air, the meaning unmistakable. My heart skips a beat, my pulse fluttering in my throat as I force myself to remain calm. I can feel his gaze roaming over me like he's waiting for me to react. My eyes flick over his form, all lean muscle and rich, sun-kissed skin that practically glows in the warm library light. Everything about him radiates confidence—dangerous, seductive confidence.
"And I'm sure she's flattered," I say dryly, snapping my gaze away from his broad chest. "Too bad she's not here to distract you." I shift in my seat, trying to appear unbothered by the way his eyes are lingering on me, though I feel the heat rising in my cheeks.
Helion tilts his head, watching me with that same predatory amusement, as though he's enjoying a game only he knows the rules to. His forearms rest on his spread thighs, and gods, those thighs. I can't help but glance, at his muscles thick and defined. His deep chuckle pulls my attention back to his face.
"Oh, she's here," he muses, his voice dropping lower, rougher. "She just needs to stop pretending I'm not the most interesting thing in this library."
I open my mouth to respond, to shoot back some biting retort, but I'm momentarily speechless, my heart beating a little too fast. Instead, I huff and bury my nose in the book, determined to ignore him. It's unprofessional. He's the High Lord. And I'm his emissary. Even entertaining the idea of his flirting is toeing a dangerous line. Besides, I know Helion's reputation. I'm not interested in being just another conquest, no matter how much he seems to enjoy teasing me.
But gods, he makes it difficult.
"Stop glaring at that book." His voice breaks into my thoughts again, his tone laced with amusement. "Either you're about to throw it into a fire, or you're thinking about something else entirely."
I glance up at him, eyes narrowing. "I'm thinking about how much quieter it would be in here without you."
"This is a library, you know?" I add, flipping a page in a show of indifference.
"Yes, but this library is only open to the public during the daytime. Except for those permitted access." He reclines even further, his fingers interlacing behind his head as he watches me, that maddening grin still plastered on his face.
"And if someone with clearance is in here with you, disrupting their quiet?" I tilt my head at him, matching his smug expression.
He mirrors the movement. "Everyone with clearance is already here. Not even the librarians can come in after hours."
I blink, my mind catching up with his words. And then it hits me. "I'm the only one with permission, aren't I?" My voice comes out soft, the realization settling in.
"Took you long enough," he grins, his eyes twinkling in the candlelight.
"And how many women did this trick work on?" I grumble, my suspicion growing, even as my pulse quickens under his gaze.
"Just you," he says, and for once, the cocky smile falters into something more sincere.
I snort in disbelief. "It hasn't worked yet," I retort, though my voice sounds weaker than I'd like.
"Yet?" He arches a brow, his gaze flickering over me, daring me to challenge him.
My lips press into a thin line, and I bury myself back in my book, hiding behind the pages. "Go away, Helion." My voice comes out more of a plea than an order, and I curse myself for how breathless it sounds.
"I don't want you to miss me." His tone is snarky, yet something told me he genuinely believed what he was saying. I force myself not to look at him, to not fall for whatever game he's playing.
"Nonsense," I murmur, my cheeks burning. "I'd be too busy enjoying the peace."
Helion sighs dramatically, though there's a glimmer of laughter in his voice. "I'm not sure you're capable of quiet when I'm around. You always have something to say."
He's right, of course, and that's what infuriates me the most. No matter how much I want to ignore him, I can't. There's something about him that pulls the words right out of me.
"It's called defending myself from your constant attempts at flirting," I snap, though I don't dare look up, knowing he's probably biting back another smile.
"And here I was thinking we were bonding." His voice drops, laced with a dark, rich amusement. I glance up just in time to see him run a hand down his thigh, slow and deliberate, as though daring me to watch.
"This is what you call bonding?" I shift uncomfortably in my seat, the tension in the air almost unbearable. "I call it you trying—and failing—to charm me."
"Oh please," he laughs softly, his smile widening. "You've been charmed by me since the day we met. Don't think I haven't noticed the looks you've been sneaking all night."
His words land like a punch to the gut, and I flush, my cheeks heating in embarrassment. I can't tell if I'm mortified because he caught me or because I was staring at all.
"You think too highly of yourself," I mutter, sinking deeper into the chair as if it could swallow me whole. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing how flustered I am.
Helion only leans closer, his voice softening, turning almost serious. "You're the only one who thinks too lowly of me."
The sudden shift in his tone catches me off guard, and for the first time tonight, I meet his gaze fully. There's no teasing, no playful glint. Just him, watching me with an intensity that steals the air from my lungs.
I truly tried to focus on what I was reading, but his lingering gaze on me was going to drive me wild. Somehow that stare spoke louder than any words he could've said. He was offering me the silence I wanted, while simultaneously pushing me to insanity. Surely I couldn't get mad at him for simply observing? Yet here I was, nearly fuming at the way he tracked each of my movements.
Eventually, I grow sick of his ogling, so I snap my book closed and turn to him with narrowed eyes. Stop looking at me like that," I order, pushing myself up from the chair that had all but swallowed me. It's identical to the one Helion has turned into his makeshift throne, yet somehow, he manages to own his space with ease.
"Like what?" He rises with me, and I have to crane my neck just to maintain eye contact. Even that, the way I have to look up at him, feels like some small concession.
I stare at him, his features softened by the glow of the candlelight. His usual smirk is nowhere to be seen, and his golden eyes hold no trace of the lust or amusement I've come to expect from him. Instead, they're filled with something even more dangerous—reverence. He looks at me like I'm more than just a passing amusement, more than just a fleeting fancy. Like I'm something precious.
"Like I'm more than just a game to you," I shake my head, tearing my gaze away. The weight of his stare is too much. I toss the book in my hands onto the coffee table with more force than necessary and stride past him, desperate to escape the suffocating tension of our little alcove. I don't trust myself to stay there, not with him looking at me like that.
"You think this is a game?" His voice follows me as I make my way through the dim, quiet library. It's empty, save for the two of us, but somehow, his presence alone fills every corner.
"Isn't it?" I shoot back, unwilling to turn and face him. The memory of his gaze burns too fresh in my mind. "Your reputation for women precedes you, Helion." The words slip out harsher than I intended. It's a low blow, bringing up his past like this, but I need him to understand why I can't—why I shouldn't.
I expect him to brush it off, but instead, he's beside me in a flash, walking in step as though he belongs at my side. "You think I would chase after a female for three years just for sex?" His voice is surprisingly calm, but there's a thread of frustration woven into it. "I've been rejected before, and I always respect it."
I stop in my tracks, staring up at him with creased brows. "Then what makes me so different?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. It's a question I've been avoiding for months, maybe longer. Because deep down, I'm afraid of the answer. I'm afraid of what it might mean—for both of us.
Helion doesn't hesitate. "Because you feel it too." He steps closer, his movements slow, deliberate. The air between us crackles with unspoken tension, and yet I don't move. "This thing between us, you delight in it just as much as I do."
He takes another step forward, closing the distance, and my back hits the bookshelf behind me. Trapped, my breath hitches, but I refuse to show any sign of retreat.
"I'm not going to be another girl you charm for a night and forget by morning," I whisper, my voice barely holding steady. It's a quiet confession, more to myself than to him.
Helion's hand comes up to cup my jaw, his thumb brushing over my cheek with an unbearable tenderness. "I wouldn't forget you," he murmurs, shaking his head as if the very idea is absurd.
The proximity is overwhelming now. His warmth radiates off him, pulling me in, and my resolve—what little remains—begins to crumble. My body betrays me, my hands itching to touch him, to feel the strength in the muscles I've tried not to think about for so long.
"Helion,” I murmur, his name a warning, or maybe a plea. I don't even know anymore.
His gaze drops to my lips, his thumb never stopping its gentle, maddening caress. "Tell me, what keeps you from me?" he asks softly, his breath mingling with mine.
My throat tightens, and I remind myself of all the reasons this is a terrible idea. "I would hate myself if I became another one of your conquests." The words come out softer than I intend, laced with the fear I've been trying so hard to suppress.
But Helion doesn't back away. He doesn't laugh or brush it off. Instead, he leans in closer, his voice low and rough. "You're not. And even if you were—with the amount of time I've had to think about you, it'd take months to cross everything I want to do to you off the list." His lips ghost over mine, the barest hint of a touch that sets my skin ablaze.
"Helion," I repeat, the name a broken caution.
"Tell me to stop, I will." He promises, his voice raw with need. He inches closer, only a hairsbreadth away. "Tell me." He whispers, lips ghosting over mine.
I didn't have it in myself to tell him to stop, to even push him away. I wanted this, needed this. I surged upwards and closed the distance between us.
For three years he had been taunting me, teasing me with pretty words and suggestive smiles, and now I was finally giving him what he wanted—and what I have secretly been wanting far longer than he suspects, and it was everything I could've hoped for.
My back pressed harder into the shelf behind me as his chest met mine, while his hands, warm and firm wrapped around my hips, drawing me closer until there was no space between us. My body betrayed my mind, my thoughts warning me to stop, to end this before it was too late, but my hands were running down his muscles chest I've been craving to feel for years, my fingers curling into the fabric of his tunic and pulling him into me, deepening our kiss.
Every touch sent sparks skittering across my skin, and for a moment I allowed myself to drown in him, in the heat of him, his scent, the way he kissed me like he might never get the chance again.
His hands traveled from my hips, beneath my shirt to grip my waist—and the feel of his calloused hands on my bare skin was enough to send me reeling. The kiss grew more frantic, more desperate. His skilled tongue explored every possible inch of my mouth, and I allowed it, reveling in the way he so eagerly tasted me.
When I finally pulled away, breaking our kiss, our breaths coming in ragged gasps I stared up into his dilated pupils, the playful spark I was used to seeing there replaced by something deeper, something that sent both a jolt of fear and excitement through me. He was staring down at me like I was the only thing in the room—hel, like I was the only thing that mattered.
He leans closer, placing an all-too-gentle kiss on the expanse just below my ear. "Helion," I echoed, my fists still clenching his shirt.
"Yeah?" He uttered, his breath hot against my skin as he slowly trailed his lips down my jaw.
"We shouldn't, we can't," I sigh breathlessly, my hand weaving into his hair, tilting my head, allowing him to deepen his kiss.
"Who said?" He murmurs into my skin.
"It isn't professional," I say between breaths, my pulse rapidly fluttering, his tongue flicking over it playfully.
"Do you want to stop?" He asked, pulling away to look me in the eyes and the loss of his contact made something inside me ache.
"I—no, gods no," I profess, my hands wrapping around the back of his neck.
"Then I don't care if it's professional, let me give you what you need," He whispered, his lips brushing mine. "Alright?"
I don't reply, and instead crash his lips onto mine once more, the rest of my defenses crumbling at the action. The kiss was hungrier this time, more demanding. I gave in fully as his tongue found its way into my mouth yet again, my chest arching into his as his hands slipped down to cup the back of my thighs, tapping me twice as a silent command to jump. I did exactly as he wished, wrapping my legs around his torso as he supported me, his touch traveled higher to cradle me by the curve of my ass. He smiled into the kiss, even in the heat of the moment his cocky grin manages to make an appearance.
He pushes off the shelf, blindly guiding us through the shelves and to the center of the empty library, where tables fill the area. He placed me down on the edge of the center table, his hands leaving my backside in favor of exploring new, untouched areas. Heat races through my veins as his hands trailed to the hem of my skirt, slipping beneath it without hesitation, his thumb grazing against the seam of my panties.
"Wait," I pant against his lips and his hand freezes. "Not here," I murmured, pecking his lips softly.
"It's just us in here, remember?" He reassured me when I pulled away, kissing my forehead. "Just us." His lips brush against my skin as he repeats the words and I can feel my resolve slipping. There was no more room for doubt, no more room for fear. All that existed was an overwhelming need to have him, to feel him in every way possible, to lose myself entirely in him until I didn't know where he ended and where I began.
"Just us," I echo, nodding slowly.
"We can stop," He said, despite how clearly he wanted this and was desperate for this.
"No, Helion don't stop," I connect our lips once more, allowing my legs to fall open farther, inviting him.
He forced himself to pull away, to restrain himself from me for just a moment longer. "You're okay with this, then?" He rasped, eyes pure gold.
"Yes," I answered. "Gods, yes." I pulled him into me, his hips meeting mine. His grin turned almost wolfish, primal as he tore through my skirt like it was nothing, discarding the fabric. He pulled me to the very edge of the table, his hands rubbing higher up my thighs, tracing the seam of my panties. I gasped as he pressed two fingers onto my clothed folds, just the right amount of pressure, not enough to get any real gratification from—but gods it still felt good. He smirks against my lips as he feels the damp spot forming on the cloth and I flush in embarrassment.
"I haven't even touched you," He noted aloud, deepening my blush. "Tell me, baby, were you this wet when I was simply talking to you?" He utters between kisses and I fight the urge to sneer at him.
"Do you ever shut up?" I ask, my question genuine. He responds with a searing kiss, which did in fact quiet him.
He couldn't control himself any longer, not with my hands roaming his back, my lips on his. He tore through my undergarments in a similar fashion to my skirt, tossing the wet fabric somewhere unimportant to me. He pulled back from our kiss, and I tugged at his bottom lip to stop him from leaving but he ignored my silent complaint, only to peer down at the apex of my thighs.
He grunted at the sight, his forehead meeting mine as he swiped two fingers through my embarrassingly wet core, his fingers coming back dripping. I throbbed for more, letting out a quiet moan as his thumb came down onto my clit, my head tilted back in ecstasy as he began circling it, his skillful touch setting my skin on fire as his middle finger traced my dripping entrance. I bucked slightly, leaning on my hands behind me as I lifted my hips for more friction.
He chuckled breathlessly, the sound humiliating, while simultaneously making me crave him so much more.
He didn't make me wait long before his own restraint snapped, letting go of that leash he had been gripping so tightly and pushing two of his fingers inside of me.
I moaned at the stretch, louder this time, relishing in the way his calloused fingers scraped against my walls, fitting me around him so perfectly.
He grunted at the sound of my moans, his pace unrelenting as his fingers thrust into me repeatedly, deep and slow. The pressure building inside me had my legs trembling as I spread them wider for him, silently begging for more.
"That's it," he rasped into my open mouth, his voice hoarse with desire. "Doing so well for me." His words were like kindling to the fire already raging in my core, my entire body aching for release. I could barely find the breath to respond, only able to whimper his name.
I bit my lip as he curled his fingers inside me, hitting that sweet spot that had me seeing stars. My eyes squeezed shut, my chest rising and falling with ragged breaths as I tried to hold on, trying not to fall apart too soon, but he didn't seem to like that idea.
His other hand moved up my body, pulling the fabric of my shirt open to expose my breasts. He skillfully unclasped my bra, disposing of it just as he did with the rest of my clothes, leaving me entirely bare. He wasted no time in leaning down and capturing one of my peaked nipples between his teeth. The added sensation had my whole body jerking forward, my fingers tangling in his hair as I gasped.
"Yeah? You like that?" he muttered against my skin, the vibration of his voice sending shivers down my spine. I nodded frantically, unable to form words, as his fingers pumped into me with precision, his thumb pressing down on my clit, moving in tight circles that had me trembling on the edge of oblivion.
I was so close, so damn close, but I didn't want it to end just yet. I tugged on his hair, trying to pull him away from my breast, but he didn't budge. If anything, he seemed encouraged by the way my body was reacting to him, his fingers moving faster, his tongue flicking over my nipple with maddening strokes.
"Gods," I moaned, my head tilting back towards the vaulted ceiling, towards the sky and everything beyond, praying for relief, for that sweet, euphoric high. "Helion—m'close," I confess through a whimper, feeling my body reach its ascent.
"You going to beg for it?" He purred, pulling away from my breast, peering up at me.
"What?" I utter, too lost in my pleasure to even wrap my head around the thought.
"Beg for it." He repeats. "Beg for me to let you come." He reiterates, his voice low, sultry. My arousal increases, I must've been dripping into his hand.
"I'm not—fuck," I hiss as he curves his fingers into that sensitive spot, but not enough pressure to push me over the edge, he was toying with me. "Not g'na beg," I murmur, my body betraying me by trembling under his touch.
"No? Still not ready to admit how needy you are for me?" He tutted, seeming almost disappointed. The tone was degrading in itself, enough to send me reeling—but then his fingers were pulling out of me and he had no intention of thrusting them back in.
I gasped, my resolve shattering as I bucked my hips up desperately. "No—no please," I give in, my body aching for him to fill me again. "Helion, please—"
I stare through low-lidded eyes as a smile slowly spreads across his sensuous lips. "Please what? Tell me what you want."
"Wanna come, please I've needed this for so long," My breath hitched, it was hard to dig the words I've kept buried so deep back up, to confess them not only to him but to myself as well. "I've needed you, for so long."
He leans closer, pecking my lips softly, in such a tender way it made me forget about everything else, about what the court might think, about my fear of being just another game to him. It was only us, connected in every way possible.
"There she is," He pulled back from my lips. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?" He teased between kisses.
"Helion, please, can I?" I whine, the sound so pitiful I barely recognize it as my own.
"Go ahead love, come on my hand." He rasped, and just like that, the world shattered around me. My orgasm tore through me like a storm, my body shaking as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over me. I cried out his name, my hands gripping his shoulders, nails digging into the corded muscle there as he coaxed me through every second of it, his fingers never stopping, pushing me higher, deeper into bliss.
When I finally came down, my body limp and trembling, he pulled his fingers from me, his eyes dark with lust as he brought them to his lips. He licked them clean, tasting me with a low, satisfied groan that sent another pulse of heat through me.
"You taste better than I imagined," he murmured, his voice low and dangerous, making me shiver despite the warmth still radiating from my core.
But before I could catch my breath, he was already pulling off his clothes, his eyes locked on mine with a hunger that made my heart race all over again.
"You didn't think I was done with you, did you?" he asked, his grin returning as he tugged his pants down, his hardened cock springing free. My eyes widened at the sight, and for a second I debated if he'd even fit.
"Now," he whispered, guiding me off the table so I could plant my feet solidly on the ground. His voice sent a thrill down my spine as he said, "Be a good girl and bend over the table f'me, yeah?"
I slowly turned my back to him, my legs shaky from the intense pleasure still coursing through me, his hands never left my body. They trailed down my sides, strong and possessive, igniting embers of anticipation in their wake. His touch alone had me quivering, but the look in his eyes—dark, feral—made my pulse quicken.
I bent over the table as instructed, the cool wood pressing against my flushed skin. The vulnerable position made my blood heat, but excitement flared deep inside me, mixing with the lingering ache of desire. His breath was hot against my ear as he leaned over me, his lips brushing the sensitive skin of my neck.
"That's it, baby," he purred, his fingers trailing teasingly down my spine before settling on my hips, pinning them in place. "So eager to please."
I could hear the sound of his breath hitching, and feel the tension in the air as he lined himself up behind me, his tip nudging at my entrance. I bit my lip, expectancy tightening my body.
He pushed forward slowly, torturously so, letting me feel every inch as he stretched me. A low, guttural groan escaped his lips, and my own whimper joined it, the sensation overwhelming, leaving no room for thought, only the feeling of him filling me completely.
"Fuck," he muttered under his breath, hands gripping my hips tighter. "So, so tight." His voice sent a wave of need through me, the table was too long for me to find any leverage, I was left stranded between the polished wood and his broad chest, unable to steady myself.
With an impatient, sharp snap of his hips, he pushed into me deeper, granting a gasp from my lips. The suddenness of it sent a shudder through me, pleasure curling through my body in response. He leaned over me again, his mouth grazing my ear. "You feel so good," he rasped, his voice a mixture of lust and satisfaction as he began to move, each thrust deep and slow, drawing out every bit of sensation until I was trembling beneath him.
I couldn't help the moans that slipped past my lips as he built a rhythm, each movement of his hips driving me higher, closer to the edge once again. My back bowed, pressing into his chest and deepening the angle of him, the sensation eliciting a noiseless scream from me.
His hands tightened on my hips, fingers digging into my skin as he pulled me back to meet each of his thrusts. Every movement was deliberate, slow but devastatingly deep, as though he wanted me to feel every inch of him, to memorize the way he stretched me, and filled me so completely. The pressure was maddening, making my body tremble beneath him, a delicious torment that left me teetering on the edge but not quite enough to tip over.
His pace quickened, the drag of him inside me was almost too much to bear, and yet not enough all at once. His hands were gripping me so tightly I was sure there would be bruises by morning, but the thought only made me hotter, the idea of his marks on me driving me wild.
The sound of skin meeting skin filled the air, each slap punctuated by our ragged breaths. My nails dug into the table's edge, desperate for something to anchor myself to, but every time I thought I could catch my breath, he would change the angle just slightly, hitting that spot deep inside me that sent white-hot pleasure shooting through my veins.
"You sound so perfect moaning my name," He murmured beside my ear. "So fucking perfect for me." His words sent a shiver down my spine, a molten heat spreading through my core. My body was caught in the rhythm he set, each thrust rocking me against the wood of the table, it creaked beneath us, but it was his ragged breaths and the low, guttural sounds he made that had my heart racing, my need climbing higher and higher.
He shifted his grip, one hand moving from my hip to slide up my spine, tracing a line of fire until it fisted into my hair, pulling my head back just enough for his lips to make contact with the most sensitive spot on my neck, sucking on the area hard. "I want to hear you," he demanded, voice low and rough against my throat. "I want to hear you fall apart for me."
I moaned loudly in response, the sound raw, desperate, as his hand tugged harder, pulling my back into a deeper arch. My entire body was taut, every nerve lit up under his command. His other hand slid around to my front, fingers finding the aching bundle of nerves between my legs, circling it with relentless precision.
The duel stimulation nearly broke me. My body jerked beneath him, every muscle tightening as I fought to hold back, but it was a losing battle. The pressure was building again, faster this time, harder, threatening to unravel me completely.
"That's it," he murmured, his fingers speeding up in sync with his thrusts. "I can feel you, baby. You're close, aren't you? So close to coming all over my cock."
I was. I was so desperate, I could hardly think, my mind a haze of nothing but him—his voice, his hands, his cock twitching inside me. My breaths came out in shallow gasps, each one forced from me by the sensation of his fingers working me toward the brink.
"Come for me," he commanded, his voice like gravel, rough and impatient. "Let go."
I shattered around him. My body tensed as the orgasm ripped through me, pleasure crashing down in waves so intense it left me trembling and breathless. I cried out, the sound broken and uninhibited, my walls clenching tightly around him as I came harder than I thought possible.
He groaned in response, feeling my pulse around him, his hips stuttering as he chased his own release. His thrusts grew erratic, rougher, until finally, with a deep, guttural moan, he followed me over the edge, spilling into me with a few last powerful thrusts that left us both gasping for breath.
For a moment, we stayed like that, bodies entwined, both of us panting and spent. His hands, once gripping me with unrelenting force, now softened, running soothingly over my hips and sides. He pressed a soft kiss to the back of my neck, and I shivered, still coming down from the high, my legs weak and trembling.
Ever so slowly he pulled out of me, his warm hands guiding me upright. I trembled, my arms shaking as I used them to hold myself up. I leaned against the table as I turned around to face him, my cheeks flushed with exertion, my entire body heated with stimulation.
"Feeling alright?" He asks, his voice so gentle in contrast to his earlier roughness. I nod slowly, gripping the edge of the table behind me for support.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, nearly lovingly, then cups my cheek. I allow myself to lean into the touch, turning my head to place a soft kiss on his palm.
Something in his eyes changed then, something deeper than lust or need, and before I could stop myself I was wrapping my arms around the nape of his neck and slotting my mouth over his yet again.
My legs trembled as he kissed me, savored me so thoroughly like he'd never get sick of the taste. He noticed my unsteady stance and hoisted me back up onto the table, guiding me to lay down, sprawled for him.
The table creaked when he leaned on it and I grabbed his wrist, halting him. "The table won't hold both of us," I say breathlessly, especially not if he was going to push into me as rough as he was earlier.
"Then we'll move to the floor when it snaps." He smirks, crawling over me despite my warning, and I can't help but allow a feeling of excitement and arousal to flicker through me at the promise of his words.
He hovers over me, his hands beside my head as he hardens again, at just the sight of me, the thought of me bare beneath him, legs spread for his entrance. His sultry smirk widens as his tip brushes against my core. "Helion," I whimper, his name on my lips a prayer on its own. "Need you," I beg, my words no longer my own as eagerness for pleasure consumed me.
His gaze darkened, the hunger in his eyes sending a shiver down my spine. He lowered his mouth to my neck, his lips grazing my skin in a teasingly slow path. "Say it again," he murmured, voice hoarse with need, the warmth of his breath making my pulse race beneath him.
I swallowed, my hands gripping his biceps as my chest rose and fell in shallow, desperate breaths. "Please," I whispered, tilting my head to give him better access, my body trembling with anticipation. "Please, Helion. I need you."
A groan escaped his throat, primal and possessive. He didn't make me wait any longer. With one swift, powerful thrust, he pushed into me, the sound of my gasp mingling with his low growl as he filled me completely. The table creaked louder beneath us, and I could feel its instability, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
Helion moved with a steady, deep rhythm at first, his hips rolling as he gripped my waist with one hand, the other bracing himself beside my head. "You're perfect like this," he murmured, his breath hot against my ear. "Desperate and moaning my name."
I could only whine in response, the delicious friction building inside me, pushing me closer to the edge with every thrust. He quickened his pace, the intensity rising, and I arched into him, wrapping my legs around his hips, desperate for more of him, all of him. The tension coiled tighter within me, the sound of our bodies colliding and the ragged breaths filling the room.
"Helion," My voice was barely a whisper, swallowed by the pleasure that rippled through me. His name left my lips again in a breathy plea, barely heard below the splintering of the table, and with another powerful thrust, one leg of the table snapped. He gathered me in his arms before we could go crashing, High Lord strength holding me upright, all while still nestled inside of me.
I was too focused on how good he was making me feel to think about the change of positions, too focused on how he was lifting me up and down on his cock, the quick pace making me release a string of needs.
He dropped to his knees, kneeling down and placing me on the carpeted floor, just as he promised.
He didn't relent in his thrusting despite the altering of position, he fucked me right through it, overwhelmed me with intense pleasure so I barely noticed it as well.
"So perfect, like you were made for me," he breathed, his voice thick with lust as he thrust deeper, each stroke igniting another wave of pleasure that threatened to drown me. I could feel every muscle in my body tensing, arching to meet him, lost in the rhythm he set.
I whimpered, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer as if I could merge our bodies even more completely. "Helion, please," I begged, the words spilling from my lips unbidden. "Don't stop. I'm so close."
His response was a low growl, and he quickened his pace, driving deeper, harder, as he captured my mouth in a heated kiss. His tongue tangled with mine, his lips moving against mine as if he were trying to devour me whole. I could feel the way he was losing himself too, the need in his movements matching the frantic beating of my heart.
The carpet shifted beneath us— and I realized we no longer lay against the floor, but a soft mattress. Somewhere during our heated kiss he had winnowed us into what I assume was his bedroom, the sounds of our bodies slapping together echoing off the walls. Helion's hands gripped my hips, guiding me as he thrust up into me, his movements unrelenting. Each thrust built until I was teetering on the edge of release.
"Just a little more," he encouraged, his breath hot against my ear. "I can feel you tightening around me. Let go, love." The endearment sent a thrill through me, urging me closer to the precipice.
"Helion!" I gasped, feeling the coil within me tighten to its breaking point. I surrendered completely, my body instinctively arching and clenching around him as I felt the wave crash over me. My orgasm hit with blinding force, washing over me in intense ripples of pleasure as I cried out, my body trembling in response.
He followed me over the edge, his own release spilling forth as he growled my name, the sound mingling with the rush of my own pleasure. Helion thrust a few more times, riding out both our climaxes, our bodies perfectly attuned to one another.
He finally pulled out of me, flipping down onto the mattress beside me. I rested my head against his shoulder, his hand slipped into mine, our fingers intertwining, feeling blissfully content, the world around us fading into the background as I savored the afterglow.
After a few moments, I giggled softly, breaking the comfortable silence. "I can't believe we broke a table."
He chucked breathlessly, the warm sound making a feeling bloom in my chest. "It never stood a chance," He replied.
"Literally," I added, eliciting another quiet laugh from him.
I turned onto my side, wrapping an arm around his bare torso, furrowing into his warmth.
I lay still, the warmth of his body fading as he pulled away, leaving me feeling exposed and vulnerable. My heart raced with a mix of confusion and irritation as I watched him slip into his pants. "I thought I wasn't another conquest?" I muttered, my voice laced with hurt as I searched his eyes for the truth.
Helion paused, his expression shifting to one of genuine confusion. "You're not," he said, the sincerity in his tone softening the edges of my anger. But then I narrowed my eyes, my glare unwavering.
"Then where are you going?" I pressed, the question heavy on my heart.
A playful smile tugged at his lips, clearly amused by my reaction. "Would you have a little faith in me? I'm getting a cloth to clean you up," he reassured, turning toward the basin beside the window. I watched him wet a cloth, wringing it out with careful precision before making his way back to the bed.
My glare faltered, replaced by a rush of embarrassment as he returned to my side, settling beside me, I could feel the warmth radiating from his body, and my breath hitched slightly at the intimacy of the moment. Helion gently dragged the damp cloth between my legs, his movements deliberate and tender, and I couldn't help but squirm under his touch.
"Helion," I murmured, feeling a rush of warmth flood my cheeks as he meticulously cleaned me. The sensation was both intimate and oddly soothing, and I found it hard to maintain my earlier annoyance. His focus was unwavering, his eyes intent on his task, and I couldn't help but appreciate how he handled me with such care.
"Relax," he said softly, glancing up at me as he continued his work. "I promise I'm not going anywhere." His gaze held mine, and I could see the genuine warmth and affection there, a stark contrast to the teasing persona he often wore.
I took a deep breath, the tension in my body slowly dissipating as I let his calm wash over me. "Okay," I finally replied, my voice barely above a whisper. I settled back against the pillows, allowing myself to enjoy this unexpected moment of intimacy. Helion finished cleaning me, his touch lingering just a bit longer than necessary, sending shivers of pleasure through me.
"There," he said, a satisfied smile gracing his lips as he tossed the cloth aside. "All clean."
I watch him discard the cloth in the laundry bin with casual grace as if he didn't just alter my entire perception of him. He moved into bed beside me, the mattress dipping with his weight. "You okay, love?" He murmured, tucking me into his carved chest. Again, with that nickname that sent a flutter through me, an endearing sensation I couldn't quite put into words.
I swallowed thickly, nodding as I sunk into his warmth, the kind comparable to the rays of the sun. "Mhm, just tired," I uttered.
"Rest, I'll be here in the morning," He murmured, his hand running down the length of my arm, tracing delicate patterns on my skin. I felt every gentle stroke like a whisper, a promise that anchored me to this newfound connection.
As I settled deeper into his embrace, the world outside faded away, and the quiet rhythm of his heartbeat became the lullaby that lulled me into sleep, a well-earned and deep one, his warmth cradling me into a blissful slumber.
I awoke at first light, my eyes fluttering open to the uncovered windows—the day court being worshippers of the sun, curtains were unheard of here, which made for a rough morning. But something about this morning, with the sun kissing my skin the way Helion had last night, it wasn't so bad.
I flip over, my back to the sun and my front to, perhaps something warmer.
He was awake, already staring at me with a slight smile on his lips. "Good morning," He whispered, his voice deepened by sleep.
"I suppose this is when I take my leave?" I murmur, but don't make any movement to leave. I didn't want to, I wanted to bathe in his sunlight for a little while longer.
He reaches over, his large hand spanning my waist and pulling me closer, encasing me into his broad shoulders and carved chest. "No, my dear, you're not going anywhere." He reassures, looking down at me with a darkened gaze, our foreheads pressed together and his nose brushing mine.
"What have I gotten myself into?" I feign annoyance, rolling my eyes.
He lets out a breathless laugh, leaning down into my neck and pressing his lips into the collection of marks he had left only last night. "You've no idea." He mumbled and I groaned playfully, grumbling a curse.
"Still pretending like you haven't completely fallen for me?" He prodded, the tip of his nose running up my neck.
"I didn't say that," I murmur, running a hand through his hair.
"So you have, fallen for me?" He teased, pulling away from my throat to peer up at me.
"Helion," I whine, my bottom lip protruding as I meet his gaze. "I can't stay here all day, now can I?"
"Who says you can't? The Day Court has no rules against me lounging in bed with beautiful women," He purred. "I've made sure of it." He added with a wink and I rolled my eyes.
"That doesn't sound like a very productive court," I remark, a smile pulling at my lips as I feel our usual banter slide back into place.
He hummed in thought, adjusting out position so his hips were between my legs, his arms wrapped around my waist, and his head on my chest. "Depends on what you consider productive." He mumbled into the cleavage of my breasts.
I scoffed, pulling at his hair and guiding him away from my chest. "You're insatiable," I grumble.
"You love it." He says with an all too confident wink.
"Maybe." I sigh, gripping his shoulder and flipping us over. "But what would your court say if they found out you were bedding your emissary?" I frown at the thought alone.
"I'm their High Lord, they can't say anything unless they wanted their tongues taken—" He suggests, while helping me into a more comfortable position, my head beside his on the pillow, our legs intertwined, my chest pressed against his. "Though I doubt any of them would say a word about you." He reassures, his hand coming to my jaw. "That is unless you wanted them to talk? If so I'd be happy to tell them the events of last night." He smirks and my cheeks glow red, heated beneath his touch.
"Modesty is one of your many virtues I see," I murmur, attempting to ignore my fluttering heartbeat.
"Of course." He gives me a look as if it was a well-known fact. "I'm the very picture of restraint and humility." He quips and I giggle, the sound making his breathing stall for a moment.
His gaze flickers down to mine, his brows slightly creased in conflict. "Stay." He whispered, leaning closer and pecking a kiss on my forehead. "Just a little longer." He added, his lips brushing about my skin.
I sighed, any lingering resolve melting away under his touch. "Just a little longer," I agreed, closing the distance between us as his lips met mine, slow and unhurried, as if the rest of the world could wait.
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Levi's horrible flirting skills part 5.
Will I start using my own art as banners? Yeah, 'cause I can lmao.
Masterlist link to all the previous parts.
Footsteps against the muddy ground, the little snow that had fallen in the south melted easily and only served as nourishment to the mud. Levi’s combat boots made it easier for him to take one sturdy step after another, hands inside the pockets of the scout’s green trench coat. Eyes fixed on the ground, dark rebel locks fell to the sides of his face as only his nose peeked through the scarf, creating a fog rhythmically in front of his face.
He took the muddiest side of the country road out of respect, it felt natural to him. Quickly, his eyes spotted that certain parts of the road were already frozen, “Careful-”
But before he could actually voice it, instinctively he stopped to catch her as her shoes slipped. Her little squeezed scream paired with her movements as she gripped his arms for support.
Levi, who was unfazed by her grip or the tricky winter ground, clicked his tongue, “I told you to be careful,” he said, but despite his words, his voice was calm and protective.
“Ah, yes. My uniform isn’t really designed for a trip to the forest, is it?” she commented between chuckles, but they seemed mostly out of nerves because there wasn’t anything funny going on.
Unfazed on the outside, Levi’s attention was fixed on his extended arms surrounding her frame but without touching her. She could easily grip any of his forearms for support, but he, who wasn’t a fan of physical contact, tried not to touch her. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t want to overstep. The only thought crossing his mind as she tried to get both of her feet on steady land was looking at her hands, imagining them around his.
This could easily be a routine of theirs, him making sure she reached the ferry station safely as she came over to visit him. Walking side by side, fingers intertwined. But that was a daydream still far away, and Levi quickly realized this as she placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Well... not actually, it was more like a cheek against cheek as she pressed the side of her face against his and made a kissing sound without her lips actually touching his skin.
He frowned and slightly pushed back, mostly out of surprise.
“Oops, sorry-” she said cheekily, recalling both of them how they first met, “I forgot that tough-up soldiers don’t give kisses.” It was mockery.
“Thank you, Captain.”
Levi raised his right hand, taking it out of his pocket and imitated her wave back but with far less enthusiasm. Greeting with kisses, something that he had only seen between women but it seemed that in the capital it was also exchanged between men and women. He found it a bit too personal for his taste, but that was because he didn’t even shake hands usually.
‘I’m a tough-up soldier... I’ll gladly receive a kiss from you.’
His hand lowered slowly as he observed her aboard, as an eagle his attention was inflexible. Levi didn’t realize he was holding his hand up until that moment, ‘what an idiot.’
But as his bare right hand began to feel the winter weather compared to how warm it was inside his pockets, the freezing air against his skin was a cold wash of reality; they didn’t walk holding hands, it was just a dream. ‘Four-eyes was right... I’m not even trying.’
For dreams to come true, you must wake up and work on real life. He was determined. Her welcoming smile from the ferry that began, and a new waving hand to him that was still waiting at the bottom, looking at her.
“Cap!” She screamed.
And he couldn’t help but smile very softly at the picture of her face from the top of the boat.
“Enjoy the cake!”
Levi’s smile dropped slowly, ‘Eventually I’ll have to fucking tell her that I don’t like sweet shit...’
‘Oh well... problems of future’s Levi.’
Since then, he was a man with a mission. ‘She asked me for a friend, so at least she doesn’t think I’m a fucking creep.’
Seeing the glass half full? That’s exactly what Levi was going to start to do. Baby steps. It’s not that he crossed paths with her continuously, especially when they were not going outside on expeditions. He began to do a mental list; Sweet stuff, flowers, cats, and allergic to nuts. He certainly could come up with something.
‘Maybe I could write a letter... thank her for the cake.’
‘Let’s not carry on the idea that you like that, I don’t like to fucking lie to her.’
‘Wouldn’t it be weird that you wrote a letter out of nowhere? Plus, what the hell are you going to write there? ‘Thanks for the cake, I don’t like it, but Hange did.’ No, no, let’s leave the letters to poets and their smooth shit.’
And so on, he wished he was as decisive as he was in battle in his romantic life. But as soon as he saw his chance, Levi was confident about taking it. Military event, the weather had gotten better, they were about to leave for an expedition in a couple of days. Had he protected the piece of cake that he was given at the end of the dinner with his life from Hange? Yes, an easier task was retaking Wall Maria.
“Come on! You’re not going to eat it!”
“I’ve seen Titans less persistent than you.”
Levi felt particularly judged walking down the hallways as he switched buildings of the military and went to the main hospital. MPs recognized him in the streets, citizens whispered his name, and he felt a ginormous power to turn around and forget it all.
‘This is stupid.’
‘Well, sometimes you gotta do some stupid shit to get what you want ... I just wished I did this sort of stupid shit when I was young enough to be too hormonal or drunk to care.’
“Y/N?” he asked at the front desk, “Is she on service?”
The other two girls exchanged a look, one took a sip of her tea to hide her raising smirk and the other replied, “Give me a minute, Captain.”
She rushed behind to the staff-only section and Levi felt particularly impatient. ‘What the hell am I going to tell her? I got a piece of cake and thought of you? No, that’s ridiculous. Then why the fuck am I doing here?! I don’t know!’
“Captain?” her voice, her almost closed eyes as she tried to force them open, her hair messy.
‘I want to see her... I want to see her before I leave to that hell out there.’
“Captain, is everything alright?” She asked worriedly, as she moved between the furniture of the hospital’s archive. Her hands hastily tried to ease out her clothes.
‘Fucking shit...’ he imagined her waking up by his side, drowsy, bed hair and tossed clothes. But as she grew closer, he grew speechless.
“Is everything alright? Is it an emergency?” Her worried tone made him snap.
“Yes,” “No,” he replied monosyllabically.
“Then... what are you-”
“For you,” Levi acted almost instinctively, pushing the gift in her direction. “No nuts so I don’t fucking kill you.”
Her lips remained parted while processing the situation, once sense came back into her, she slowly accepted the gift. “Why thank you...” she said in a trance, “Did something happen, Captain-”
“Levi.”
“Huh?”
“My name is Levi.”
He dodged the question. And while he felt it was only him and her there as her eyes shined in surprise, the truth is that people walked past by them in a hurry to fulfil their tasks.
“You... you’re leaving, right?” she broke the awkward silence, “To an expedition, I mean.”
Levi nodded.
“I hope you return safe. I’ll volunteer to the medical brigade for the return.”
The mere idea of her waiting at the improvised medical camp they always had to check the soldiers and help the wounded once they returned from outside the walls was enough to make him excited and hopeful. Both necessary emotions when you’re going to face death.
‘That’ll be a hell of a blessing.’
“You’ll be useful there,” Levi replied.
He knew it was almost disrespectful to be waiting for it; his comrades died, mothers lost their sons, kids lost their mothers. Everyone had their expectations of him, but he was only human. A man who wanted to just catch at least a glimpse of his girl’s face to make it seem like returning from hell had some sort of value.
Once most of the soldiers had been cared for, Levi searched through the crowd, peeking through the people, getting on his tiptoes to get some height to spot her.
‘There you are.’ He felt second-hand embarrassment for how excited he got, but as he took steady steps closer, the emotions withdrew slowly.
Her eyes were reddish and transparent, long face and trembling lips.
‘No... why are you crying? Who do I have to kill? Give me a name.’
Knuckles of a bigger hand began to caress her cheek. She looked up as his knuckle turned into his thumb, softly loving her face. He was dressed in a white overall that clearly indicated he was a doctor.
‘Who the hell is he?’ Levi quickly felt the anger boiling. He knew he was being irrational, but he had just come back from risking his life; his mind was not seeing reason.
“Is this a museum?” the doctor, who seemed younger than Levi anticipated, asked cheekily.
Y/N looked up at him confused. ‘Why the fuck is he so hella tall?’
“Then what are two art pieces doing here, you,” as he said that, Y/N gasped, blushed, and smiled shyly, “And that smile.”
‘He made her smile... he made her smile and blush.’
Levi’s steady pace up to them lost its confidence. She noticed him and smiled softly, welcoming, but that didn’t make the Captain feel better. The doctor realized his presence and probably decided to carry on with the rest of his tasks, not without moving past her by dragging his hand across the bottom of her back and giving her waist a little squeeze as he smiled.
“Levi, I’m so happy you made it back.”
But those words and her friendly squeeze of his forearms went unnoticed as Levi’s surgical observation caught all that, and he couldn’t hide his unfriendly stare at the man.
‘Cut your fucking hand off and feed it to pigs before touching her like that without her permission.’
—
“I don’t like the asshole.”
“You don’t like him, or you’re just jealous he’s charming?” Hange asked as they spun around in their desk chair. “Or that he’s almost as tall as Erwin.”
“Tch, I don’t like the asshole. Nothing to do with that frivolous shit.”
‘Perhaps a little bit.’
Hange chuckled and rolled their eyes. “Your reasons?”
Levi rose from his seat, exasperated, walking around the brunette’s office like a caged lion. “Do I have reasons? Yeah. Good reasons? Yeah. How many reasons do I need? None. My intuition has never failed me to spot out jerks.”
Suddenly, now that he was back to work and had excuses to visit her more frequently, he was always there. The way he always found a way to rest his hand on the bottom of her back right above her ass, squeeze her waist friendly, run a hand through her hair, smile at her.
“Doesn’t he have better shit to do?” Levi muttered annoyed, observing from a distance at how he said something that made her laugh.
“Well, he’s at his job,” Erwin replied, mocking him as the captain’s attitude seemed childish.
“I love how your hair looks in that,” the doctor casually commented.
It ate Levi from the inside how she began to make it her usual look. ‘That’s the kind of shit you should’ve been saying, but you’re stupid!’
Levi hated it. It made him grit his teeth in uncontrolled fury how she always smiled with blushed cheeks and hopeful eyes as she looked at him. ‘She’s just too naive and doesn’t fucking notice that he’s obviously trying to take advantage.’
“You’re just jealous; it won’t hurt you to admit it.”
Levi clicked his tongue, muttering against the hand that held his head, “He fucking stinks, he just wants to get between her legs.”
“Like you?” Hange joked around as they raised their eyebrows and smirked at their friend.
“Tch,” he straightened up, offended. “Don’t fucking compare me to him.”
‘I mean, yes... but no!... I’ll do it respectfully.’
One thing was Capital people being too frivolous about their personal space, and another was that Levi always caught him playfully around another girl.
‘The dude has more hands than an octopus, and none of them are ever over his own fucking body.’
The mere idea of him taking advantage of her, of her kindness, made Levi clench his fist. It was very early; Levi had just come out of an extraordinary meeting with the military board that lasted all night long.
Perhaps he should have given it a thought when he had slept better, not that he slept plenty, but at least he knew how to normally function with three hours of sleep. It was too early to get any transport back to the scout's facility, so he was just doing time as Erwin talked to investors. On the other hand, she was a fresh early bird working at her position quietly as it was a calm morning.
She seemed radiant, rosy cheeks and smooth hair... hair in the same style he had praised. ‘For fuck's sake,’ it rubbed him the wrong way.
“Oi,” Levi decided to interrupt her monologue; he was slacked against a wall, bent slightly over with arms crossed. ‘Show her that you care,’ Hange's words echoed in his mind.
“Yes?” She was archiving paperwork and organizing reports.
“That asshole... one of the doctors in your division.”
“Matty?” She quickly filled in the information, “What about him? Do you need him?” Her attention briefly moved to the clock on the wall, “He won’t be here until later on; he had the night shift today.”
Levi clicked his tongue, looking in another direction, ‘she doesn’t even suspect him.’
“No,” he spat out, “Look, keep your guard up around him. Don’t be stupid.”
Y/N turned around confused, her eyebrows drawn together in mixed emotions.
‘I’m just trying to protect you.’
Levi felt her attention. His steps echoed around the whitish walls of the empty hospital, keeping his head down as he approached. “I’m just saying that stupid little spoiled brats from the Capital like you sometimes don’t realize it, but morons like him aren’t playing friendly.”
“Excuse me? What did you say?”
That was the moment Levi should have noticed the change in her tone and the frown switching from confused to angry.
The click of his tongue was mostly because he didn’t know how to phrase it better, “I’m just saying, dummy,” he swore his tone was caring as his calloused hand from continuous hours of training reached out to caress her forearm tenderly, “that you may be too stupid for your own good and be all nice and friendly, but don't be stupid and do what I tell you."
‘I care about you and I know firsthand how those assholes abuse their power around girls. I’ll beat the living shit out of him if he ever makes you feel uncomfortable.’
Levi swore he had been tender. He wished to run his thumb over her cheek and show her how she could rely on him, how much he was there for her, for her safety.
“Captain,” Y/N’s tone made Levi snap up as he had his attention focused on his hand that was trying to connect with her, “Who the hell gave you the authority to tell me who I should get involved with?”
“Ehm-”
Levi took a step back, confused, as she looked back at him with anything but friendliness.
“I’ve lived alone my entire life, I have a career, and the last thing I need is a man telling me that I’m too stupid for my own good,” she said, arms resting on her hips as her angry eyes burned into his.
The cold water’s shock made any quick reply he had to fix the misunderstanding completely vanish, “No—”
“I respect you for your work and because you’re a close friend of Erwin. But you’re not my father, nor my boss, to tell me what to do and, much less, that I don’t know how to take care of myself,” Y/N snapped a couple of folders on the desk, “If you’re looking to control someone’s life, I recommend adopting a dog. I have work to do. Have a nice day.”
Levi stood there frozen in his place, perplexed. ‘Wait... is it wrong that I found it hot that she knows how to tell people to fuck off?’
“Fuck —”
Link to my masterlist and my other works if you feel like checking them out. Tags!: @nube55 @justkon @notgoodforlife @nmlkys @humanitys-strongest-bamf @quillinhand @thoreeo @darkstarlight82 @angelofthor @aomi04 @levisbrat25 @l3visthighs @hum4n-wr3ckag3 @hannieslovebot @starrylevi @rithty @mariaace @ackrmntea @emilyyyy-08 @levisfavoriteteashop @katestrophes @levistealeaf @an-ever-angry-bi @youre-ackermine @fxnnyackerman @secretmoneybearvoid @trashblackrainbow @flxrartsstuff @katharinasdiaryy @levisecretgfblog @searriously @blackdxggr @ackermanswifee @galactict3a @abiatackerman @braunsbabe @moonchild-12345 @lemonsupernova @hyuckwon-my-husbands @heyitsd1yaa @sydneyyuu @love-for-faeries-go-burrrr @mandaax @sugacor3 @r0ckst4rjk @vegetasgirl2799 @catiwinky @pinksaiyans @sparklykeylime @hagridshaircare Wanna join my tag list? Here! You don't appear on this list? Do not worry! there's a limit of tags and I'll add you in the comments <3
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˗ˏˋ Jinwoo x Isekaid! Artist! Reader ◛⑅·˚ ༘ ♡ ˎˊ˗
ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚𝕊𝕦𝕟𝕘 𝕁𝕚𝕟𝕨𝕠𝕠˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ
・┆✦ Entry : 044 ✦ ┆・
[Tw: I think this fall under depictions of depression and panic attacks. Please, if you're not in the headspace, do not read this. ]
╰┈➤ ❝ [ My Muse] ¡! ❞
Isekaing to Solo Leveling is one thing, but living in this world is just... Way too brutal for your poor heart.
Why is that? Anxiety is a major enemy.
What do you mean everyone else is living normally not having little paranoid moments that lead to panic attacks with overtaking at the possibility of a gate opening somewhere near you and monsters would come out?
Sung Jinah's school wasn't even safe. How are you gonna live?
Anyway.
You have a job to do.
Even though you just wanna spend all of your time crying in the corner of your room and praying to god to protect you when technically you aren't even religious.
But what are you to do?
It's not like Sung Jinwoo will swoop in and save you from misery.
...Hahah, if only.
You are one of his more delulu fans, like every other girl in this country— You are a big fan.
Well, except the fact that you know far more things about Jinwoo since you came from a world where he is fiction.
The flex you have is that you know how awfully adorable that petty bastard is when he was still an E-ranker. Those Jinwoo simps will never know the fact that Jinwoo has the fluffiest and softest looking cheeks ever.
Not to mention, you have all of his powers memorized to even the titles those powers have. You can name a lot of his shadows.
Of course the easiest to name are Beru, Igris, Bellion, Kaisel, Tank,.... And the easiest,... One, two, three, four.... Yeah, you get it.
But why are you being so smug? As if you 're not the same fool who secretly buys Jinwoo polaroids. Coming from this country full of fangirls is a haven for you since there is quite... The plethora of Jinwoo trinkets.
And you, being a lovestruck fool, went all in and took "Take all my money" to the next level even though the man you're obsessing over is 10x more richer than you.
But ah, this isn't the time to fawn over your Jinwoo merch paradise.
You have work.
Thankfully enough, this world has given you mercy. Despite it preying on your paranoid self, it gave you the blessing of living the life you've always wanted.
And that is to be a freelance artist.
Not doing your average 9-5, crying about the lack of fame you receive that hinders the pathway to making a successful art career, not having to listen to family members berating your love for art as low as a drug abuse.
In this world, no one is going off about your craft, no one is belittling your passion to something akin to a crime.
Like it's just a pathetic hobby and there's no meaning to all the hard work you put in the past years improving your skills, there's no value to being able to draw squares and circles more impressive than others, there's nothing note worthy of being able to pick and choose colours— There's none of that.
To be honest, there was even lots of moments where you wanted to give up, where you realized maybe they're right.
Even if you had starved yourself just to save up for your art materials, even if you work hard micro-analyzing your artstyle, even if you spent hours studying the algorithms, even if you shed blood sweat and tears just for the glimmer of hope that maybe you can turn your art into something more— It's all just delusions.
Like how you hope to be one of those big artists who inspire other people to create their own pieces. Like how you secretly hope that maybe your artworks can bring a smile to anyone's face if they come across it. Like how you silently pray to every single star that may your wish come true.
You wanted to keep hoping, for the slim chance of having a single magnus opus that will instantly put you in the limelight— You wanted to keep having your hand outstretched to that tiny light.
But everyday, with each piece, you start to realize that your dreams are all for nothing.
You had been so focused on art that it's the only thing you have that defines who you are as a person and as an individual.
Art is what made you human.
Slowly, your innocent dreams molded itself into a twisted and vile poison that ate you from the inside out. Your love for creating backfired and now it's a blur if your passion stems from adoration or you just ran with it because it's the only thing that made you feel relevant in this world.
Maybe you should give up.
Even if there is a drastic improvement in your art with each piece, what good is it if it can't guarantee that career you oh so desperately want? The big artists say that you should make art for yourself, well yeah, they're right. But what if even if you do that it doesn't work?
Colour theory, shape language, line language, composition— All of those improved out of sheer love to learn. You've seen other people around you get careers out of it so it will happen to you?
Right?...
Right?
You're not a problematic artist, you don't make trouble, you don't make enemies, you don't participate in drama, you stay humble and eloquent.
Surely it will work... Right?...
Hahah.
In that world?
No it didn't.
It did not.
You died in your deathbed after being involved in a hit and run.
And after a long period of slumber, you have awoken in this world where somehow you are a renowned artist.
It felt shallow, really.
Suddenly having all of that in a snap of a finger through death?
Hah.
It felt like it mirrors Jinwoo's life. Except he had rightfully earned the flory of his powers.
Truthfully, you love him because of that.
What was it?
Ah yes.
"Because I was rock bottom, I longed for the highest peak."
That was the line that made you love him.
As someone who had no future in your art career, it was that line that made your heart yearn for him.
Two unfortunate souls who struggle in the same thing in different dimensions, except one managed to create that dream into reality.
Sure, you have the glory now. And although it made you so happy, it still felt so shallow because you didn't achieve this through hardwork. You just had to die.
You had to be dead.
It took dying to be given the mercy of having your dreams be granted.
And that just made you feel so... So awful.
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
With a canvas on one hand, your painting materials neatly arranged in a bag in the other hand— You take a deep breath and enter the party.
Brilliant golden lights twinkle above your head coming from the magnificent chandelier hanging above. Cameras flashing, the clinking of glasses as hunters and celebrities discussed amongst themselves dressed in luxurious outfits and blinging jewelry.
The sight made your stomach sink and a lump in your throat forming.
This is an entirely different world you knew from the lonely greys and blues.
You look around frantically, almost panicking at the overwhelming chatter and blinding lights.
"Ah, you're here" A voice snaps you out of it.
You turn to see your sponsor, Choi Jong-in flashing a polite and handsome smile. You bow your head politely.
"Please," Jong-in simply shakes his head, "No need to be so polite. I am pleased that you have arrived in time. Champagne?"
He extends a glass towards you and you shake your head, sheepishly saying "O-oh... I'm not really an alcohol enjoyer. I'm fine."
"Ah, I see" He nods apologetically before gesturing you to a clearer space.
Jong-in escorts you to a less crowded area of the ball, the lessened crowd and noise calming your accelerated heartbeat down.
"If there is anything you need, please feel free to call me or the waiters" He says kindly, "You are also free to eat food."
"Thank you, Mr. Choi" You bow politely.
Before he could even reply, Jong-in was called over by a beautiful blonde girl you knew all too well.
Cha Hae-in.
She's as lovely as she was in the manhwa panels, with that red dress and her neatly tied hair— She was a sight to behold.
But as soon as you see a tall man clad in black, you feel a distinct thump in your heart, a twisting kind of small pain that made you feel like it stopped beating along with the way your lungs stopped breathing— You knew who it was.
"A guest?..." He inquires, making your heart thump even harder at the sound of that deep voice you only heard through the speakers of your phone and laptop.
"Mr. Sung, I'm glad you could make it along with my vice master" Jong-in hums, "This is an artist I'm sponsoring, I thought it would be a good idea to commemorate this important event celebrating humanity's win against the gates"
"Ah, I see" Jinwoo's handsome grey eyes would sweep onto your anxious form who is fidgeting uncontrollably in her hands. "I'm Sung Jinwoo,"
He extends a hand, making you look up at him with an even nervous look. It took you a while to extend your hand, and the moment your palm touched his— You felt as of you're touching someone from a different species. Something too unreal and dovine.
You barely had even managed to speak your name out with how much of a nervous wreck you are. Shaking his hand didn't happen if it weren't for Jinwoo gently doing it and letting you pull your hand away.
Your palms may have been trembling, but now it's even more erratic as you step back, not meeting his gaze.
Thank gods Jong-in decided to start a conversation to pivot Jinwoo's attention away from you.
As you attempt to calm yourself with a persistent panic attack, you feel a soft tap on your hands.
"Thank you for coming, I-I hope you enjoy your time" Hae-in says in her hesitant voice.
And you, who cant mutter a single word after your very first encounter with Jinwoo— Only muster a polite nod at her as she turns away to join Jong-in and Jinwoo in their conversation.
You were on a trance for almost five minutes, before finally deciding to set up your easel and canvas. You took out two different mason jars and filling them up with water; the gouache paint you will be using as a medium; the ceramic palette you have been using for quite a while now; and finally gently arranging your brushes.
Jong-in didn't specify what you should be painting for this event. But decided to paint the stage. An hour into the event, Jinwoo would start giving his speech as he is the main hero of the war against the gates and monarchs—As well as the person this whole event is dedicated to.
You had to pause in your process of painting the canvas, just to give respect to Jinwoo.
Your idol.
Your role model.
The man of your dreams.
His words aren't even registering as you can't help but be lost in a trance as he continues with his speech. Unconsciously, your hand raised itself and started to paint carefully, your eyes fixated on the hunter as your hand moved with a mind on its own.
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
Jong-in was extremely worried for the artist he had hired, he could tell from earlier she was having a panic attack with the hesitance. And when Jinwoo came into the picture, it seemed to frighten her all the more. He quietly called for his secretary to add at least 40% more of the initial payment that was planned to compensate for the unintentional distress he had put her onto.
While Jinwoo was giving his speech, he couldn't help but check on her by glancing from the distance.
In that canvas, he saw the stage, and in that stage was Jinwoo.
The artist was carefully painting Jinwoo.
Delicate strokes despite her eyes not on the cloth and brush. She was just mindlessly moving her hand as she looks at Jinwoo.
"Ah... I see it now."
Jong-in quietly smiles to himself.
It wasn't that she was frightened of Jinwoo's intimidating presence. No way does someone scared of a person have that same intense look with such dilated pupils.
With a determined hum, Jong-in knew exactly what to do.
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
It had been three days since that event, and Jinwoo was attending to paperwork when he was informed of Jong-in's visit.
He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose with a bit of worry that his 'senior' might scold him for renting out gates in territory of Hunter's guild.
To his surprise, Jong-in entered carrying a rather large thing into his office.
"???" Jinwoo cocks up an eyebrow, silently inquiring Jong-in at what is the thing he brought in.
"Take a look, hunter Sung" Jong-in simply says and the hunter reluctantly stood up from his chair to approach the item his senior placed down.
When Jinwoo pulled off the protective cloth, he was met with a brilliant painting that felt like it was straight out of a renaissance era painting.
The red curtains were blood red and shaded softly. The wood is delicately painted, with even tiny specks that indicates the painter's exquisite attention to detail, but most importantly— His eyes were drawn to the middle, where a man stood center.
It was him.
His face was delicately painted, even his tousled black locks were intricately painted to imitate the way his strands behaved, his body language was painted in a relaxed but still managed to somehow translate the undertone of authority and power he held over the crowd that was purposely painted in a blurry manner to give more focus to him. Even the lighting of the stage was expertly imitated on the canvas.
The piece looked as if its goal was to put emphasis on his—the man who is standing in the golden limelight. As if it were trying to put him on a divine pedestal, to show him off as this some sort of god woth the painting.
"Who?..." Jinwoo finally manages to inquire.
"The artist chose you as her muse for the painting" Jong-in says, fixing his tie as he does so. "Quite the talent, no? Even us hunters who have quite the skill in the art of combat, are taken aback by such craft. It was as if she had magic on her very fingertips despite being just a civilian."
"Her muse," Jinwoo repeats, not knowing what to feel about it.
"It would be... Quite indecent of me to keep a portrait of a rival in my guild, no?" Jong-in coughs out, making Jinwoo awkwardly nod. "Consider it as a gift and a thank you for assisting my guild in jeju raid as well as your role in the war."
"I have quite the awards really, no need" He shakes his head.
"Yes," Jong-in glances back at the painting. "But I think that you, as the painter's muse, must see for yourself this piece created on your image."
"Mn...."
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
Jinwoo quite frankly grew curious of the little painter he met and made him the centerpiece of her painting. He was honestly worried at first, she was so small compared to him and she was trembling at the sight of him. It didn't help that he noticed how she grew more shaken after they exchanged pleasantries.
Maybe he had gripped her hand a little too much.
Beru on the other hand, was visibly very pleased at the painting as well as the other shadows who wont shut up about it.
Throughout his monotonous days and hours, Jinwoo would often think of the painter.
It feels... Weird to be in someone's painting.
It's unreal even.
But ah... By chance, he met that pleasant little painter again.
She was in the bookstore, picking up several heavy books. When he approached her, she was flustered and nearly dropped the books she was purchasing if it weren't for him assisting her.
Just like their first meeting, she was clearly bashful and anxious. So Jinwoo made space between them and made small talk.
Somehow, their small talks would develop into long and meaningful ones with the days passing of them having frequent encounters.
There is this tiny, tiny warmth in Jinwoo's heart whenever he finds himself in the presence of his painter.
His heart whom he thought had lost its capability to harbor affection— Is beating fast whenever he crosses paths with her.
There is... Something about her.
Her little habits, her never ending curiosity, her childish habits and her love for everything beautiful. Somehow, everything in her eyes has the potential to be a piece of artwork.
Jinwoo was never a creative soul, he's only ever creative at insults maybe.
So to see someone so dedicated to her own craft, to see someone so full of love for something... It's like peering into a different world he never thought was there.
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
Go Gunhee decided to visit Jinwoo, it was to thank the hunter again with coffee beans and two— Just to visit Jinwoo.
"Ah, hunter Sung," Gunhee smiles as the person he waited for appears. "I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to pop in"
"Not at all, director" Jinwoo smiles politely.
"That piece," The old man's gaze drifts to a painting hun by Jinwoo's side. "What a magnificent work of art. I heard Hunter Choi gifted it to you after the artist he hired decided to put you as the centerpiece. Truly such remarkable talent by a younger lady."
"Yes, hahah" Jinwoo awkwardly rubs his nape.as he serves Gunhee a cup of tea.
"My father told me that artists have a special kind of love" Gunhee hums, reminiscing. "He told me that having an artist love you is different. A writer glorifies you into pleasant words, a musician translates your beauty into compelling music and a painter immortalises all of you in a single painting. A blank canvas is a tool by painters that they use to communicate. All the ugliness of the world can be put into ink, and all the beauty into wonderful pops of pleasant colors"
He continues, "And through my years, this is one of the few most magnificent pieces I've ever seen that shows the painter's love for it's muse"
"Her muse," Jinwoo repeats it, "I've been told the same thing."
"A lovely feeling, no?" Gunhee chuckles, "To be loved by a person so full of love."
"...So that's what it means"
"..."
The old man's face wrinkles into a happier smile.
Young love, truly beautiful, isn't it?
⋅ ˚ ₊ ‧ ଳ ‧ ₊ ˚ ⋅ ⋆ ౨ৎ ˚ ⟡ ˖ ࣪
"That colour is really pretty" You mutter absentmindedly glance at the flowing water underneath, as if trying to ingrain the memory and behaviour of it.
"Thinking of a new artwork, again?" Jinwoo asks, glancing down at the direction you were staring at. "I can't wait to see what you'll make."
"Your pieces are always so beautiful"
It felt as if something struck an arrow at your heart, you glance at Jinwoo— Completely frozen in state.
When he noticed the heavy silence, his eyes would befall on you before his mouth going a little agape.
You're crying.
"Did... I say something wrong?..." Jinwoo asks and you panic, immediately tearing your gaze away.
"No, no, no" You shake your head, hiding your shameful tears from Jinwoo.
Compliments with your art were never really foreign, but you, being the insecure sad soppy excuse of a human being would always downplay it most of the time.
You were never truly satisfied with yourself and anything you ever made. Mostly because you came from a household where everything is never enough.
Ultimately, that system has been fully ingrained into your body that it became your personality.
Colors are muddy, the lines aren't steady or too thick or thin, the anatomy is off, the composition isn't fluid and the harmony is all over the place.
You were always, always, critical of yourself.
Nothing is ever enough.
Your works aren't beautiful enough, and you thought they never will be.
But when Jinwoo told you your art was beautiful, it caused something to crack inside and burst open.
Maybe it's because you loved him so much. Maybe it's because he is the person you admire the most in your sorry, lonely life.
It was always Jinwoo who was in your mind whenever you had those bad episodes of just having silent mental breakdowns.
It's his image that became your most beloved saviour.
Perhaps you're sobbing because you're finally able to hear the words you've imagined he would during the times you daydreamed about him.
Or maybe... Your body reacted because you knew deep down that Jinwoo was never a liar.
That he didn't say those words out of empty praise, that he said your crafts is beautiful because they simply are.
In your broken, shattered heart a heavy yet soft warmth swelled. Swelling so much that you felt so overwhelmed and couldn't control your emotions.
That kind of validation just felt like it washed away all the doubts that plagued you for years.
As you cried uncontrollably, Jinwoo would instinctively reach his hand out and pull you in for a searing kiss. His tongue gently nudges your lips before shoving itself into it.
One flick.
Two flicks
Three flicks,...
Until you yourself cant even count it anymore.
He pulls back slowly, but still not far enough for you not to feel his hot breath fanning over your cheeks.
"I only said your paintings are beautiful and yet you are crying like this, sarang?" He rubs his nose against yours, "Just what happened to you that you're this emotional, hm? Did you not think what you make is stunning? Did you never once think that your pieces are captivating? Why are you crying like this? How hurt have you been that it feels like you're crying out this kind of sorrow I can't seem to understand?"
"Why does your sobs feel like you've been dealing with such loneliness that a simple sincere compliment breaks you to this extend?"
"Everything about you is beautiful. All of you is beautiful." Jinwoo says in that ever so gentle voice of his, "Never doubt that for even a single second."
꒰ 🪼 A/N: what started as another simple fluffy idea turned into something more... Personal :'DD. Sorry guys hahahahsheshdg. Idk when I will have the free time to make the second half of the cai bots yet but please look out for when I do. ꒱
ʚ(੭´͈ ᐜ `͈)੭ .。✧・゚: ~♡ — All stories written by kyunnie; translations, reposts, plagiarism are strictly forbidden.
#sung jinwoo#solo leveling#sung jin woo#kiwoo sung#only i level up#solo leveling headcanons#solo leveling x reader#sung jinwoo x reader#sung jin woo x reader#sung jinwoo headcanons#sung jinwoo x you#sung jinwoo fics#ore dake level up na ken#‧₊˚ ☁️⋅♡🪐༘⋆— kyunnie's writings
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hey this is actually one of the hardest things ive ever tried to do with my time as an artist. how the FUCK do etsy/shopvee/redbubble artists do this for a LIVING????
BIG News: I'm trying to make some really huge changes, and I'll need your help.
Before I grant any details, I gotta preface everything with the reality of our situation; Jay, the sole breadwinner, has been a victim of yet another "new hire surprise fire". He was booted without warning, written or verbal, about two weeks ago.
Evidently this is very common in the production wood/metalworking industry, otherwise this wouldn't have happened so many fucking times, because he's a great person with amazing work ethic and that's not just my bias talking - most of his coworkers have felt the exact same way as me across every company he's worked for.
Of course, THAT DAY we wasted no time in reaching out to contacts and applying for mountains of positions on Indeed, on company websites, and the state hiring portal. Nobody has contacted him back. ONE hiring agency gave him a "maybe". Even I have applied to several places for myself, with not so much as a rejection.
Seeing the trauma this caused him first hand was my final fucking straw.
I'm sick to death of suffering this tragedy. I'm sick to death of hearing the love of my life, my Fiancé, cry because of how he was fired. And I'm sick to death of coming here or crawling to my friends and family for money they don't have because we're legitimately hopeless for it.
I don't have the heart to continually beg for cash. It was never something I've been good at or proud of doing, and it kills me inside to DM people for commissions I don't even have the time nor energy to do. I'm sick of this. All of this. I need it all to stop.
So of course, I want to nip this in the goddamn bud.
I met a very sweet vendor in Iowa who gave me a load of resources on how to get started selling my art on actual things I get to see and hold for myself and hand to people in person, namely conventions. It's a hell of a risk but I need this to work. I'm so exhausted from asking for money so please help me make this be the last time I ever need to come here for help.
More details will come, because I'm also tired of making plans and leaping forward without having anything to show for it. When I actually have these products designed, that's when I'm going to show you guys everything I've made, with as much detail on my thinking and planning as I can get out there (because lord knows the internet has taken advantage of people's generosity before).
When that time comes, please *please* give me your support. It would legitimately be world-changing for us.
I just wanted to get this out here asap so people would know what I'm going through and, hopefully plan along with me. I don't just want this to happen, I *need* this to *succeed*. I don't have any other option. Right now, I'm busting my ass on product designs (literally because this chair hurts!!), and Jay can attest to that.
I plan on having *something* to show for all my hard work by next week, and soon after, a Kickstarter to make it a reality. Keep an eye out!!
#im fucking exploding. im cannibalizing my hands as we speak#i open the wip. i look at my template or what ive completed so far. i fucking. seize up. i close the art program#even if i have the inspiration and i have the motivation..when i get there and i try to Conceptualize Ideas#i get this like. feeling of disgust and repulsion and frustration and apathy#and my body feels like i just ran a short distance (im out of shape so this is a Not Good feeling)#my heart is sinking and its like im depressed all over again and trying to get myself out of bed for the first time at rock bottom#why does this feel so impossible? why do i feel like im gonna throw up??#its just?? stickers????#i can do commissions without this feeling anymore but i cant make a little object for you to put on your notepad and forget about?? TxT;;#sometimes i wish i wasnt the way i was. i wish i had the youtuber type autism where i can focus on this nonstop because of Passion~ or w/e#my focus is so spotty i cant even do the one thing i was groomed to do my entire life#godddd#for the record. if u read this far#im fine in like. every other aspect of my life#im healthy both mentally and physically. well. healthier than ive ever been at least. maybe i could get more sleep fkgjfk but#im not unconfident in my skills. im not unsure of what im going to draw. i have a list of things.#i have concepts for a good chunk of these sticker designs#but like. i open the document and i want to die#but if i dont do this. if i cant make these product designs then we will only suffer. i havent gotten any call-backs (from places who are#VERY obviously hiring!!)#this is my like. Do Or Die mentality kicking in. if i dont do this then we cant save money to move to a more affordable place.#we'll continue to run completely dry on cash. rent is all we can afford right now and it'll stay that way unless we can find another income#and this is all i can do that could possibly work#i really dont want to open up commissions yet because i cannot keep relying on my friends. i NEED to branch out#if i dont then. i dont know what we'll do#im scared. why cant i get my brain to work on this? they're easy and simple and nice. but.#god. i cant do this. i need some way to make this process easier.#intercom#vent
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You can train your tastes. You can choose what you see beauty in.
Lemme go further, actually. You are constantly doing so--or letting others do it for you.
Nearly two decades ago, when we were planning our wedding, I made a very firm decision not to look at any wedding planning magazines or anything with marketing material for wedding products. I wanted our wedding to be uniquely us, and I also wanted not to be bombarded by product advertisement and beautiful photo shoots of very expensive weddings. Consequently, maybe we wasted a little bit of time reinventing the wheel, but we had a wedding we were very happy with that only cost perhaps four thousand dollars at most, probably not that much, spread out over our finances and those of both our families. Our guests went home with live potted plants that we'd paid pennies for at end of season, our florist had a great time getting to design a bouquet that tested her skills because I didn't have any preconceived ideas, my dress was utterly unique--and I really do feel that those magazines would have had a corrosive effect on all that.
When we moved to this property three years ago, I spent a LOT of time looking at images online, trying to form a coherent vision for a property that was at the time a fairly blank slate. I found myself scrolling through a lot of Russian dacha Instagrams, of all things, and they unlocked something for me. Seeing the same homey make-do decorations and techniques I grew up around a continent away, the same plywood cutout old ladies and tractor tire flower planters, somehow chewed through that last binding cord of classism, and suddenly I saw the art in it. The expression of a desire to embellish and beautify, even when you have very little, even when all you can afford is things the more well-to-do consider trash. I saw the exuberance of human love for beauty in a brilliant flower bed planted next to a collapsing shed--it didn't need to be perfect to be worthwhile. They didn't wait til everything was pristine to start enjoying things. And now I earnestly and unironically covet my own version of the tractor-tire Christmas tree at the farm down the road.
We've spent centuries now idolizing the manicured estates and quaint country retreats of the European wealthy elites. We've turned thousands of miles of living ecosystem into grass deserts in service of this vision. We need to start deliberately retraining our tastes. Seek out images of a different idea of beauty and peace. I'm not telling you what it'll be. I'm telling you this is not involuntary. You can participate. You can look at the many beautiful examples of native xeriscaping for arid climates, or photos of chaotic tangles of wildflowers, tamed by narrow paths, a bench under an arbor overwhelmed with wisteria. Maybe instead of trying to get lawn to grown under your mature trees, you'd actually get far more joy out of a patch of dirt. A hammock. A firepit ringed with log sections for seats.
You can free yourself from harmful conventions of taste and beauty, and you do it through imagining something better.
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