#my focus is so spotty i cant even do the one thing i was groomed to do my entire life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cyanidas · 11 months ago

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hey this is actually one of the hardest things ive ever tried to do with my time as an artist. how the FUCK do etsy/shopvee/redbubble artists do this for a LIVING????

BIG News: I'm trying to make some really huge changes, and I'll need your help.

Before I grant any details, I gotta preface everything with the reality of our situation; Jay, the sole breadwinner, has been a victim of yet another "new hire surprise fire". He was booted without warning, written or verbal, about two weeks ago.

Evidently this is very common in the production wood/metalworking industry, otherwise this wouldn't have happened so many fucking times, because he's a great person with amazing work ethic and that's not just my bias talking - most of his coworkers have felt the exact same way as me across every company he's worked for.

Of course, THAT DAY we wasted no time in reaching out to contacts and applying for mountains of positions on Indeed, on company websites, and the state hiring portal. Nobody has contacted him back. ONE hiring agency gave him a "maybe". Even I have applied to several places for myself, with not so much as a rejection.

Seeing the trauma this caused him first hand was my final fucking straw.

I'm sick to death of suffering this tragedy. I'm sick to death of hearing the love of my life, my Fiancé, cry because of how he was fired. And I'm sick to death of coming here or crawling to my friends and family for money they don't have because we're legitimately hopeless for it.

I don't have the heart to continually beg for cash. It was never something I've been good at or proud of doing, and it kills me inside to DM people for commissions I don't even have the time nor energy to do. I'm sick of this. All of this. I need it all to stop.

So of course, I want to nip this in the goddamn bud.

I met a very sweet vendor in Iowa who gave me a load of resources on how to get started selling my art on actual things I get to see and hold for myself and hand to people in person, namely conventions. It's a hell of a risk but I need this to work. I'm so exhausted from asking for money so please help me make this be the last time I ever need to come here for help.

More details will come, because I'm also tired of making plans and leaping forward without having anything to show for it. When I actually have these products designed, that's when I'm going to show you guys everything I've made, with as much detail on my thinking and planning as I can get out there (because lord knows the internet has taken advantage of people's generosity before).

When that time comes, please *please* give me your support. It would legitimately be world-changing for us.

I just wanted to get this out here asap so people would know what I'm going through and, hopefully plan along with me. I don't just want this to happen, I *need* this to *succeed*. I don't have any other option. Right now, I'm busting my ass on product designs (literally because this chair hurts!!), and Jay can attest to that.

I plan on having *something* to show for all my hard work by next week, and soon after, a Kickstarter to make it a reality. Keep an eye out!!

#im fucking exploding. im cannibalizing my hands as we speak #i open the wip. i look at my template or what ive completed so far. i fucking. seize up. i close the art program #even if i have the inspiration and i have the motivation..when i get there and i try to Conceptualize Ideas #i get this like. feeling of disgust and repulsion and frustration and apathy #and my body feels like i just ran a short distance (im out of shape so this is a Not Good feeling)#my heart is sinking and its like im depressed all over again and trying to get myself out of bed for the first time at rock bottom #why does this feel so impossible? why do i feel like im gonna throw up??#its just?? stickers????#i can do commissions without this feeling anymore but i cant make a little object for you to put on your notepad and forget about?? TxT;;#sometimes i wish i wasnt the way i was. i wish i had the youtuber type autism where i can focus on this nonstop because of Passion~ or w/e #my focus is so spotty i cant even do the one thing i was groomed to do my entire life #godddd #for the record. if u read this far #im fine in like. every other aspect of my life #im healthy both mentally and physically. well. healthier than ive ever been at least. maybe i could get more sleep fkgjfk but #im not unconfident in my skills. im not unsure of what im going to draw. i have a list of things.#i have concepts for a good chunk of these sticker designs #but like. i open the document and i want to die #but if i dont do this. if i cant make these product designs then we will only suffer. i havent gotten any call-backs (from places who are #VERY obviously hiring!!)#this is my like. Do Or Die mentality kicking in. if i dont do this then we cant save money to move to a more affordable place.#we'll continue to run completely dry on cash. rent is all we can afford right now and it'll stay that way unless we can find another income #and this is all i can do that could possibly work #i really dont want to open up commissions yet because i cannot keep relying on my friends. i NEED to branch out #if i dont then. i dont know what we'll do #im scared. why cant i get my brain to work on this? they're easy and simple and nice. but.#god. i cant do this. i need some way to make this process easier.#intercom #vent

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