#my actual mood:
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couldnt draw my thang for mid-autumn so treated myself to a calne redesign instead
#calne ca#hatsune miku#VOCALOID#cw: body horror#<- And I Fucking Mean That We Are Not Fucking Around Today#well we are. as in I drew this as a fuckaround treat for myself#but the body horror tag is the most warranted its ever been on this blog#ask to tag#I am as ever on my journey to make calne ca Worse. her OG version is too cool. even the crab ver is too cool#I need her to be worse to look at. I am also getting myself into to mood to test my hand at boarding a pmv for my friend's cover#I think my thought for this was ''I should try and give her a more insectoid bodyplan''#which in this mostly means gently three-part body and six limbs (my favourite amount of limbs to draw rn)#actually almost gave her eight but didnt like how that silhouette came out so I mermaided her uh. abdomen I guess#though maybe next time I do this I should push that idea more. the head and torso are still very distinct for one unified part#I feel like one of my old attempts was onto something with like. a more horizontal body plan... well! live and learn etc#happy late mid autumn I guess. I should play with touys about it... I miss model kits. mayhaps...
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i love when characters get angry when they're frightened. shelter dog characters. i love when they bite, not able to tell the difference between a hand that feeds and a hand that strikes. there is no difference. a hand is a hand is a fist. i love characters that are deemed unadoptable. unlovable.
and i love when someone loves them. i love when someone sits with them, patient. they don't flinch at the snarling and snapping. they're not trying to fix it—there's nothing to be fixed. this is you, all of you, and ill wait. because one day, one day you'll take the treat. go on, draw my blood. spit and curse and rage. you're safe with me. one day, you'll feel safe with me.
#savrambles#im in a Mood#thinking about my actual dog with actual behavior issues#and shes such a sweetheart but she was also a stray#and learned to defend herself the only way she knew how. with teeth#and i looked at her in that little cage. all raised hackles and curled lip and sad sad eyes#and i knew. i just knew. kindred souls and all that#ANYWAYS
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i thought i was at my lowest but holy shit it gets lower
#woke up feeling more lost and out of touch with myself.. my surroundings and my partner all in the span of a night.. what the hell..#i really need a new therapist. specifically a dbt therapist but i have really weird health insurance so there's not many options..#i just really need someone that i feel open enough to talk to about anything and that will actually help me and not just use the dumbass#worn out therapist lines..#bpd shitposting#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd#actually borderline#bpd vent#bpd fp#bpd favorite person#bpd mood#bpd problems#sorry 4 the long rant in tags :/
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one day they might be brave enough
#I made this quite a while ago and hated how it turned out back then#turns out I was just in a bad mood cos this is actually quite cute#so I thought it would be a good time to post#good omens#good omens fanart#good omens season 2#good omens 2 fanart#ineffable idiots#ineffable husbands#aziracrow#aziracrow fanart#crowley#aziraphale#michael sheen#david tennant#my art#digital art
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quick itfs sketch page
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuuji#megumi#fr some reason it's rare fr me to b happy with monochrome pieces so i am combatting tht general dislike by making it itfs#harder 2 dislike smth when it's a bunch of sketches of my ship kissing#oh ya threw in some good ol Corner Angst also bc i ended up not wanting 2 draw a third kiss dsfhjshdsdfjg#doing this got me thinking about tht one itfs piece i did back in april#captioned smth smth 'im on an itafushi kick'#n how that was like. the piece that opened the floodgates n made me realize how actually insane i am abt them#before it was just a casual Yeah This Ship Is Cute ill draw for it when the mood strikes#then after doing tht draws i ws like wait a minute whats happening to me#now here i am 5 months later completely emotionally dependent on these 2 traumatized 15 year olds#anyway this sheet is kind of an homage 2 the other one :'> how far ive come. how far theyve come. they make me ill every waking hour
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Leo. Genuine question. How much time did you spend staring at Jason’s lips to figure that one out?
#‘my best friend has a specific tic where you can tell his mood by how his lips twitch. I know this because I stare at his mouth a lot’#these books really do try to be heterosexual#but they’re really really terrible at it actually#valgrace#leo valdez#jason grace#leo x jason#jason x leo#heroes of olympus#hoo#house of hades#hoh
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i’m fighting a war within my head that i don’t want to fight anymore it’s so exhausting and no one understands
#mentally tired#actually sad#depressing life#depressing shit#i'm sad#kinda depressing#actually bipolar#actually bpd#actually borderline#bipolar thoughts#bipolardepression#bipolar things#bipolar disorder#bipolar mania#bpd vent#borderline personality disorder#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#living with borderline#borderline thoughts#bpd#bpd mood#bpd stuff#actually mentally ill#sorry for being depressing#bipolor#i’m actually crying#mental health#my inner demons
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It seems there's a new lawyer in town!!!
#I think she's one of the most underutilized characters ever I will DIE on this hill#she can hear people's feelings that is the COOLEST concept ever#you get people who can hear thoughts a lot and that's cool but hearing FEELINGS is such a sick and unique concept#AND SHES A LAWYER#THATS THE COOLEST CAREER YOU COULD GIVE SOMEONE WHO CAN HEAR FEELINGS THAT OPENS DOORS FOR SO MANY GOOD STORIES#I'D LOVE IN AA TO PLAY CASES AS HER WHERE YOU HAVE TO WORK BACKWARDS FROM PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS TO FIGURE OUT MYSTERIES#IT'S A WHOLE NEW SIDE TO THE EVIDENCE#AND SUBTLE HIDDEN FEELINGS KEEP GUIDING HER AND PPL JUST CANT KEEP UP WITH HOW SHE WORKS... STUFF LIKE THAT WOULD BE INTERESTING#WHY ISN'T IT UTILIZED WHY DO WE JUST HAVE PSUEDOSCIENCE MINIGAME#ATHENA IS SO LIKEABLE AND CHARMING AND FULL OF LIFE TOO#PLEASE CAPCOM#I LOV E HER PLEASE#GIVE US A CRAZY MOMENT WHERE SHE TAKES PHOENIX ASIDE HALFWAY THROUGH A CASEAND TELLS HIM HIS CLIENT WAS JUST ELATED AT THE SIGHT OF A CORPS#OR DO IT IN THE GAMEPLAY WHERE THE PLAYER SPOTS IT IN THE MOOD MATRIX#omg yeah actually that'd make me shit my pants that'd be so cool#proper ghost trick moment#THERE'S SO MUCH COOL STUFF YOu can do fuck okay sorry there are so many tags now#can you tell I got feelings abt this character I LOVE HER so much Im in love w her tbh and she's also so me#ace attorney#athena cykes#my art#have a good day thanks for looking at my art haha
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When you grow up in an abusive home, you don’t become a people pleaser to please people. You become a people pleaser to keep the potential for more abuse away.
#childhood ptsd#child abuse#childhood trauma#childhood#bpd feels#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#actually borderline#actually bpd#depressing shit#living with ptsd#actually traumatized#trauma#this is my life#tired#truth#ptsd#actually ptsd#complex ptsd#im done#tw depression#life suuuuucks#life#life is rough#mental illness#i hate everything#mental abuse#tw abuse
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What if you were trapped in Gotham and the only other human there was someone just like you??
#NEW AU ALERT I CANT STOP#this au in my mind will focus on Stephanie actually but I'm in a Bruce and baby Dick mood so thats what I drew lol#dc#batman#bruce wayne#dick grayson#You'll Never Leave Gotham Alive AU#its kinda Dome esqe (I never read it just the YA ripoff )
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#illustration#trans man#oc#milomir#yuval#im finally writing down their story for my book..#Yuval is hard to be around. Often in a bad mood and makes reasons to not like everyone he meets. Excuses to not be close to people#A paranoid depressive lost in his head..But poetic and yearning when alone.#Milomir is also rough around the edges but very loyal to those he likes. Doesn't have good boundaries. He is obsessive and goes too far.#He's the fairy the other fairies are kinda like “Uh.. Dude.. Too much..” to#yuval thinks the sea is trying to kidnap him (and he's right)#milomir spent hundreds of hours crafting the wings he wears so he would look like a more acceptable fairy. He's actually a whirligig beetle#His hood covers his second set of eyes.#anyway I thought I would arrange their panels in a nice way..
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“How are you?” I should be in a straight jacket but unfortunately for the both of us I’m here
#im officially unhinged#my bf/fp thinks our house is haunted#theres been experiences with mirrors and dressers and posters#so not me leaning into the belief of the ghost by knocking off one of his posters and gonna blame the ghost if he asks#fuck that poster in particular#actually borderline#actually bpd#bpd#bpd feels#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#bpd stuff#bpd mood#bpd shit#bpd fp#bpd blog
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“what’s wrong, talk to me”
“let’s fix this, i can’t lose you”
“we’ll work it out together”
#he’s the only person in my life that has said stuff like this instead of just walking away#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd#bpd shitposting#bpd fp#actually borderline#bpd vent#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd favorite person#green flags
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miso soup should count as a real world healing item
#like gatorade#it's a potion. to me.#i was in a foul mood bc i got my dates mixed up and went out in the rain for a meeting#that actually isnt until next week#so i was cold and wet and hungry bc it was at an inconvenient time so i hadnt had lunch before heading out#so i said fuck it. bento box time.#and i didnt know the order came with miso soup and im SO HAPPY#one sip and my mood immediately skyrockets#i love u miso soup
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Sure you could fall in love with me but would you put up glow in the dark stars all over our bedroom walls with me? Would you paint our mailbox fun colors with me? Would you make pancakes in silly shapes and buy knickknacks we’ll never use and pick up hobbies we won’t stick to with me? Would you live and be silly and be a little dumb and be a genius and be confident and lazy and kind and angry and everything? Would you give me absolutely every side of yourself that you can??
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#when i say i want to fall in love and everything it entails#i do mean EVERYTHING#i wanna do stupid and silly and meaningless things with you#isn’t that the point of it all?#ughh i Cannot articulate it well#but yeah#im gay and i like sleeping#also you may think im online posting this rn but actually im scheduling this post >:)#i like scheduling it makes me feel like im bamboozling and i love a good bamboozle#also it makes it not as obvious that this is another one of my mid-crisis 3am posts lol
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can’t help but think of how, if we choose to go by sirius’ characterisation as a private, arrogant teen who only lets a select few into his circle, sirius’ post-azkaban life just have been such an utterly humiliating experience for him.
especially OoTP. when he has all these near strangers in his childhood house, that he hated and loved and ran away from and couldn’t ever escape. if he spent his entire pre-azkaban existence building a cold and aloof persona, not letting people know what his home life had been like, then to have all of these people get a front row seat to it because of kreacher and portrait walburga’s shenanigans must have been near unbearable. to have the entire order, including snape whom he disliked and mistrusted, hear the kinds of names he’s being called.
not only does he have to deal with the retraumatisation of his childhood, but also the fact that he’s flayed open for everyone to see. it’s not only his freedom, innocence, dignity that has been snatched from him but his privacy also. it’s such a cruel thing to experience, on top of everything else.
to have literal children, his godson who he has been kept away from all this while, whom he presumably wants to be able to look up to him, to have him see into the deepest parts of his soul. to have to be so weak in front of him. not only is he subjected to such vileness but he also cannot do anything about it.
sirius has not had a moment of peace in all the time we knew him. it is indignity upon indignity that is heaped onto him. every other character has gotten a moment of respite but him. it fully breaks my heart.
#sirius black#i am in the mood to sob tonight clearly#i just#was reading a fic#where it recounted walburga ad kreacher’s screams and taunts#and it suddenly hit me how humiliating they are?#like#even if it’s an inanimate object and a house elf#to be called an embarrassment and shame of my flesh and filth#by the only remaining members of your family#and to have it be traced back to your family#to know that your mother was alive but did not care that u were in azkaban#and that everyone else knows it too now#to walk around in every corner of your childhood house and be able to see exactly how u grew up#no boundaries no limits#to have other people keep touching parts of your family with the audacity to throw them out#and move it around#to call your home names#i just. cannot imagine.#the level of helplessness he was operating with#is it really any wonder he was the way he was#hell. he was actually so much better than he should’ve been#lesser men would’ve been catatonic or going off on a rage fuelled warpath#it’s so embarrassing to have your parent even correct u in front of friends sometimes#and to hear all this abuse. shouted at you.#and not one person ever stands up for him#or shows him any empathy#i’m actually amazed that even after all these years i’m able to find new tragedies in sirius life#HAS THAT MAN NOT BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH#pen’s notes
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