#my AuDHD brain cannot keep doing it

[eoinmcgonigal]

Yeah adding that, with me at least, another thing you can do is talk to me. Enthusiasm and interest encourage me. If no one seems interested, I lose all motivation.

I have a friend who used to cheer me on with pretty much everything. She always wanted to hear my ideas, she'd happily read my WIPs and give me input when I got stuck, and I wrote literally hundreds of fics with her enthusiasm inspiring me to keep going. It was so much fun to write! It was a joy to work on things because I knew she'd love them. I finished nearly every WIP I started too. Now, though? Only 11 fics this year when in past years I'd easily have done that many by the end of February. 10 things I've written but don't see the point in posting. About as many again WIPs and ideas I genuinely want to do but don't have any motivation for.

If you like my writing and want to see more of it, I promise you that chatting to me will help!

want your favorite author to update but don’t want to be too pushy in their comment section?

here’s 5 things you can do to encourage them:

Reblog their fic link on tumblr (bonus if it’s with tags)

Bookmark the fic with a note about what you’re excited about/love in the fic

Recommend the fic to your friends or local discord channel

Draw art or create other media for the fic (as indicated by the author’s comfort level)

Leave them a comment when re-reading about the parts of the chapter/story that stood out to you the second time

[feroshgirlsims]

Sul, Sul! I’m Feroshgirlsims—simmer, storyteller, and simblr newborn. I mostly write about deeply unhinged, morally grey characters who get happy endings and maybe (accidentally, on purpose) cause an apocalypse. My current story is based on my gameplay in a save file where all my former supernatural characters wake up with mundane lives and no memories of their former powers. I keep describing it as “slice of life with a side of bloodshed," and, uh, suffice it to say my stories are 18+.

What else?

I’m a Romance Girly, so expect sap, sex, and happy endings in addition to the drama and trauma (lol). I’m really excited to post story lore, gameplay, and general Sims 4 brain rot. I plan to share chapters soon, but I’m trying to get a bit of a buffer because I’m a AuDHD gremlin who cannot be told what to do ever, even by my own damn self.

This simblr is definitely a new start for me. My long running supernatural save file got corrupted when I moved to a new Gaming PC. I fixed it and then it got corrupted again. I started a brand new save without all the supernatural stuff and then For Rent sent that one straight to hell.

SIGH.

But seriously, I'm happy to be here and finally make an introduction post so I can freely comment and reblog all these stories I love without feeling like a total weirdo (I am a total weirdo, but still). 

[am-i-interrupting]

How Autism Effects Them

For Me. Hi, I’m autistic and I write these specific characters with autism in mind. Here’s how it effects my writing of them.

Alastor

Alastor is a sensory avoidant autistic with the PDA profile.

He avoids touch unless specifically initiated by him or someone he trusts.

He cannot stand any type of soft touch and is much more receptive to strong grips.

Part of the reason he employed Niffty is because of her obsessive cleaning and his need for things to be orderly but lack of willpower or energy to clean.

He has a specific way of organizing things and Niffty quickly caught on and adopted those same values.

He avoids going certain places due to sounds which may occur. Specifically retaining to music.

He enjoys Jazz, swing, classical, and blues. That is it.

Being sensory avoidant, does not mean, however, that he never seeks sensory stimulation. It is just something he does not do often.

One of the biggest ways he seeks some sort of new experience, sensory or emotion wise, is actually through his planned chaos like with the Hotel. A situation he has some control over and sway in how it goes.

The main stimulation he will look for is the feeling of blood between his teeth and fingers or the best of his favorite songs. Though, he also enjoys the smells and tastes of various spices.

(Personally, I am of the belief that dancing is a stim that he participates in because it’s socially acceptable.)

He is very in touch with his needs and what his body communicates to him even if he doesn’t always have words to describe them.

The PDA profile of autism is known as Pathological Demand Avoidance or, preferred by many PDA-era, Persistent Drive for Autonomy. This often shows up as feeling like anything perceived as a demand is a threat and reacting accordingly.

This results in despite him knowing what his body needs, he refuses to give in to it.

How dare his body tell him to sleep, he is in the middle of very important things that he does not want to stop doing and will stay up even longer to spite his body.

How dare Charlie and Vaggie insist he use video when his radio station is perfectly available, he will mess it up out of spite.

His special interests are actually radio and body anatomy. This fueled both his career choices.

Lucifer

Lucifer is a depressed, anxiety ridden AuDHD king.

He hyperfixates on his projects and forgets to eat, drink, even go to the bathroom.

He struggles with keeping relationships.

You send him a message, he forgets to reply, remembers to reply two weeks later, spends another week debating whether or not it’s too late to reply before finally replying or just starting a new conversation.

He is easily overwhelmed in social situations and cannot maintain multiple conversations at once.

He will fixate on one person and only reply to them.

Just barges in on conversations and chimes in when initiated at inappropriate times.

He bounces between needing complete silence, a specific noise, or an amount of noise that would overwhelm others constantly.

Vaggie

Vaggie is an autistic who has alexthymia.

She’s very monotoned and doesn’t know how to express her emotions because frankly, she doesn’t always know what they are.

It’s like there’s some disconnect between her thoughts and her body.

She’s not very good at articulating what she feels or connecting what her body is experiencing to her emotions.

She actually has a journal filled with bodily descriptions and how they connect to what she thinks she should be feeling. It helps her describe them to you better.

She doesn’t just have a disconnect with her feelings but her body as a whole.

She does not process things that should be painful as painful.

Her brain doesn’t always compute what signals her body is giving her so she can often forget to eat, drink, go to the bathroom, sleep.

She has certain rituals she does in order to try to connect better with her body and understand what it needs.

Every morning while she’s getting ready, she needs complete silence so she can connect.

She goes through the motions of brushing her hair and takes note of how it feels before and after. She does the same with brushing her teeth.

A couple times every day, she just has to stop everything, find a quiet place, and try to understand what her body is telling her.

Vox

Vox has the PDA profile of autism, is sensory seeking, and has OCD-like tendencies.

See Alastor, point 13 for definition of PDA.

His PDA comes up in a much more controlling way than Alastor’s. Or at least obviously controlling.

He needs everything to go a specific way and gets very disregulated when it doesn’t.

I feel like this also makes his RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) worse.

Not only does he have the disappointment and feeling of failure when he is rejected or dismissed but he also has the emotional disregulation of his PDA which makes him feel like he’s been threatened and in danger to deal with on top of this.

His PDA often results in his use of manipulation and hypnosis over the general populace to ensure a favorable outcome for him.

If he is told to do something and there’s no way out of doing it, he will coerce the situation into something that at least feels like he has control over it.

However, if he does have a way out of it. He simply won’t do it or will purposefully do it wrong.

If you ask him to do something that he was already doing, he will walk away and come back to do it later when you’re gone.

His sensory seeking behavior is often like how we were introduced to him, plugging himself into his systems and being bombarded with the sounds of people.

He does this to regulate.

It’s cathartic to him in the same way blasting loud music when you’re upset is.

His main source of stimulation is through noise and sight.

He finds things like bright lights a calming thing as well.

He is a bit sensory avoidant though but it shows up very differently to Alastor’s.

It shows up in the form of constant cleanliness, yes, but Alastor finds cleanliness soft, unstained rugs and polished wooden desks whereas Vox finds it in a much more modern style.

Counters that don’t have a single finger print on them. Floors that are tile and shining, always looking freshly waxed.

Alastor’s version of clean is warm and homely. Vox’s version of clean is cold and slick.

This also plays into his OCD-like tendencies.

For Alastor it’s an annoyance when these things get out of place. For Vox it’ll ruin his entire day and he has to rearrange his schedule in order to fix it.

Another sensory experience he avoids would be strong smells. He cannot cope with them as they overwhelm him, along with taste.

His part of the tower is very pristine and actually very cold temperature wise not only because he enjoys colder temperatures but they also prevent him from overheating when he’s upset or just feeling strong emotions.

Going to the other parts of the tower are not something he enjoys.

Velvette’s normally smells of strong perfumes and Valentino’s smells of a combination of perfume and sex.

[astridellejo]

Kitab - Not Really Anything

So finding out at age 50 that I'm autistic made me just a little grumpy. It would have been nice to have known literally decades earlier. But we didn't know in the 80s what we know today about ADHD and autism. Still, I guess it's nice to know what it is finally.

I knew something was up with my headmeats, because I knew I had ADHD as early as the mid-90s. But did I do anything to mitigate that? I drank a lot of coffee and that was about it. Then in the 2000s I discovered energy drinks. Now I'm back to just coffee. I am currently taking bupropion, which is helpful, but I'm beginning to think that's it's not as effective a drug as I could be taking. (That sentence reads weird. I hope you get what I mean.)

I'd love to have a brain that just lets me do things. Because I have to bargain with my brain, bully it, berate it, beg it to do literally anything. It is so difficult to finish stuff, and extra difficult to finish stuff when it's difficult to start stuff in the first place. Everything I do takes longer than necessary because I have to keep convincing my brain to do the thing. It's so aggravating and demoralizing. So I gotta keep in mind that every accomplishment I do manage to make, no matter how trivial, is an achievement worth celebrating.

Me: "Yay! I did the thing!" Also me: "Good for you. Do you want a sticker?" Me again: "Don't get snarky."

Comic transcription below the fold:

1. [I lean on the sink and look at my reflection.] In my youth, people often told me I had so much potential to become somebody. Like a famous artist or something. But I have never been able to live up to this potential. Now, decades later, I understand why. For a while I thought it was Borderline Personality Disorder. But I found out what it actually is.

2. [I hold my fists up. Above each is a figure: the ADHD Creature and the Autism Creature.] It turns out one can be ADHD and autistic at the same time. That's a hard-hitting one-two punch that makes everything I try to do much more difficult and frustrating.

3. [Behind me are some folks. Two are chatting. Another two are flirting. I cannot tell the difference.] It's why I don't understand how people work. For example, I always misinterpret social cues.

4. [Around me are examples of hobbies and projects I've abandoned or left unfinished. I look very sad/frustrated.] Vintage computers; making videos for my YouTube channel; belly dance (and dance in general); my graphic novel; my homebuilt electronic wind instrument (and music-making in general); volleyball (specifically sand court) It's why I abandon hobbies and never finish what few projects my executive dysfunction actually allows me to start.

5. [I cry out in anguish as the tag on my tee shirt drives me insane.] It's why I sometimes lose my shit over something completely trivial. Like an itchy tag irritating the back of my neck.

6. [Finger guns to my reflection.] I am AuDHD. It's not a bug. It's a feature. Which is fine, I guess. I'd definitely rather be autistic than borderline.

7. [I glare over my shoulder into the camera.] I'm 50 years old now. I've always been like this. It's not going to change. I'm fundamentally dysfunctional.

8. On the bright side, I guess I don't need to feel pressured to try and become someone anymore. Because now I know that's probably not even possible. [Text on each side of my face: Certified Nobody]

[turnstechgodhead]

Le sign... speaking of the server,

dirk is encouraging me to be more firm on my own thoughts for my comfort

i've seen ppl talk about it in stream a lil which im always like I Don't Care when it pops up but i've had Enough and i want to talk about the topic bc it's itching at my brain follicles.

since we're pretty strider-oriented, this had to happen at some point: strider cest/strilonde cest/in cest wont be allowed in the main server. if other people don't care, i might make a separate server.

-"hey why is that ^ something you would allow? pretty insane." / "are you a pro shipper then??"

no

"so you're an anti?"

also no

i dislike this argument as a whole bc i don't 'get it' i guess because im audhd. neither side is fully correct nor fully wrong.

"fiction affects reality." and "fiction is not reality." are two different thought processes that can and should coexist in the same space.

look. fiction can affect reality, but it IS also possible to separate from it. you can para or whatever responsibly. tag it. try to make sure people who don't want to see it don't have to see it. and if minors are getting sent your shit, make sure its clear that this should NOT be happening in reality. if you're a child, keep that shit blocked. it's NOT for you and you should not be actively consuming it. (please listen to this advice bc i grew up on the internet barely supervised, from a very unhealthily early age [7-8] and then developed into a fucked up hypersexual.) (seeing something fucked up and being like AUGH my eyes! is normal because that just. happens. thats life. you deal with it afterwards in some way. talking to someone you trust etc. you do not go back for more i am begging.) (if someone is showing you these things on purpose then please read this website all the way through for me ok?)

you should not be looking at an adult exploring/enjoying fucked up shit

videogames are not going to make you or me more violent by having violence, gore, and murder in them. but videogames DO make some people violent. those people should not have access to these things. but we (you and i) cannot control that beyond making sure content is labelled and set aside. i like playing games where i assassinate people. i am not an assassin. someone could play the same game and get terrible ideas they act on. this is not my fault for playing the game.

and, if you're an adult who likes fucked up shit (me too) tag your shit or have it listed somewhere on your about that it's something you post about frequently there. and maybe reiterate that it's not real. its just toys. and should never be followed irl. yeah, it fuckin sucks that we gotta do this shit, but kids are unfortunately on the internet, with the inability to differentiate grey from black and white. your shit might be the first exposure. which sucks!! so it's our responsibility to try and mitigate harm on both sides unfortunately until we can convince parents to start parenting their children again. which sucks. i just wanna post shit in peace but the buzzing around from very loud teenagers makes me anxious. i get it.

it fucking sucks!!! but we can't control other people, especially if theyre malicious

but you control what YOU see on the internet. block anyone. (i blocked someone back in the day for disliking johndave. be free.) and help people do that (control what they see) by making it very clear. you aren't evil for not wanting to see it, and other people aren't evil for enjoying fucked up content.

also some of yall on BOTH SIDES do some truly vile shit in the name of this argument when your energy could be spent elsewhere doing shit you like or even doing things that are actually. Helpful.

so i don't like either label i dont want to be associated with either of the sides but if you want to call me one or the other then . Whatever i guess? thats your business, not mine. just know you are not a failure or a freak for not constantly reinforcing and reassuring everyone that you think adults doing their own thing in fictional spaces with little toy dolls (that theyve been doing since the 70s-80s) is gross. you can just think that like. in general and look away because the dolls are dolls. but don't go posting doll horn-knees untagged. that's rude as fuck.

[orphanlavinia]

I’m heavily medicated

It feels as if I’ve been defeated.

I was so happy with five pills a day.

Feels like such a step backwards or several

My psych finally broke down and gave me benzodiazepines, I pick em up today

I can’t sleep my body is exhausted and my eyes are closing but this feeling in my legs is killing me at night.

It feels like hell

I have to kinda journal somewhere so I guess here it is almost nobody knows this account is mine.

Thank you internet.

Anyways I’ve spend these past few days locked in the bathroom binge smoking weed.

It all started really when I got diagnosed with did. I was in very serious denial and what my brain did out of boredom or god knows what is flood me with memories that I would have rather not remember.

Is it my brain or miss Steiner? We don’t know

The portrayal of this illness in TikTok and shit tends to be too cartoony and I didn’t relate with it at all until I found other lesser known people that talked about it.

And then there it was, symptoms that I have that are DID.

The blackouts, the feeling of not having control in my body.

The amnesia

All of them.

And then everything inside me got worse as I watch my life outside of me getting better and I cannot join in cuz the past pulls. Hard and cruel.

And I am so tired

I have so much work to do and I will

I am just so tired all the time

My neuropathic pain medication got switched and it has caused me a great deal of physical pain.

Also just fyi I am in clinical rest.

I do have to do some stuff do.

Everything is very hard I just want to be alone and not think and not be here maybe?

I’m leaving angel alone tho

He very much understands

But it’s still not cool

I am very frustrated, I feel like I am not going anywhere and the more I dig in my history even tho it answers why I get rabid, furious.

I was the kid, I was too young, I was modeled to be the perfect victim, I was too naive, too autistic, too mentally ill.

It is not fair that I have to carry the pain and the hurt that was given to me until this point. It isn’t fair that I’ve lost a decade or decades of my life because of everything that has been done to me.

And for them it was a fucking Tuesday man.

How’s that?

It’s not fair that I met angel and I felt like Molly in the last unicorn.

Why do you come to me now that I am all broken and used? Why did t you come earlier?

I feel broken, defective.

I keep making plans for a healthy sane woman or whatever I am

But no, I am sick and broken and don’t function like someone whole.

So I gave up, I’m trying to follow my clinical rest, sleep and rest, I haven’t dared doodle or go get some sun but I’m working on it, I am taking half a pharmacy, forcing myself to eat even if all food looks like fucking poison,

I am in extreme burnout, I am audhd, have a very serious depression, I have bpd, I have did….

I have more stuff cuz I’m just god’s favorite

But I guess this is a journey or acceptance and exploration.

I am having coffee cuz it makes me happy tho i shouldn’t.

I think I should stop writing here, see you next time, void.

[currentfications]

Happy 2024 (is that even the correct wording?) folks, thank you all for being really cool peeps on this corner of the internet x

To all 227 of you (damn that’s plenty of y’all), thank you for putting up with my oddity (˶‾᷄ ⁻̫ ‾᷅˵) and sorry for my complete incompetence in updating fics- to my defence (there’s no defence I’m just raw dogging AuDHD unmedicated lazy)

Special thanks to @lil-elliesgf and @bada-lee-ily (@wiselight I seemed to struggle with tagging you a lot, I’m v sorry if I missed tagging you a few times!!) for being w ocean eyes since the v beginning, and to all of you who are reading along (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o)))

I honestly didn’t expect this many of you when I scrambled back into writing(and good god am I rusty at it- my wordings??? is so strange sometimes???), but thanks for tuning in x

More shout outs to…

@urlovebot and @woniverse-writes for being the ogs that i found in the fandom, the little prompts and moth to a flame is *chefs kiss* perfection ◉‿◉

@badasgirlfriend for their smaus- tbh I was SHOOKETH the first time I saw your fic, my pea brain cannot imagine how much effort must’ve been put into them??!? Everytime u post? A blessing <3

Same goes to @nimxie and @venuszn for dropping the loveliest fics (/ω＼) blessed fr

@dallaji, @sun-nyy , and @sydnerss y’all can have my first born’s left kidney x

@princhii best wishes to u and pk in 2024 ◉‿◉

These so many more of y’all I wanna tag??? But your layouts (don’t get me wrong y’all run beautiful blogs but I am old and weary and unable to keep up) are so different I’m struggling Σ（ﾟдﾟlll）

But anyhoo thanks for a great year, let’s go do it all over again next year ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

[bluedalahorse]

Stuff related to anxiety and jury duty behind the cut. I hate adulting.

I had a bad experience with jury duty a few months ago that made me spiralingly anxious and occasionally quite self-hating a few weeks afterward. I wasn’t actually required to be on a jury that particular day but the judge made me postpone and pick a date within a certain time frame, instead of just dismissing me. I ended up picking Wednesday of this week, with a great deal of worry because I didn’t have all the information I needed to make that an educated choice. Now that I am coming closer to it, the anxiety is increasing again, and it’s making my brain, well… a pretty bad place to be actually?

My biggest fear right now is they’ll force me onto a trial that ends up being way too long, and I’ll miss my graduate school residency (which begins on July 12th and is absolutely 100% mandatory for my degree, cannot be missed.) Trials in this court are supposed to last about 3-5 days on average, so if things go like they say on paper, I’m in the clear, but when do things ever work like they say on paper? Missing my grad school residency means not doing my fourth and final semester and delaying my graduation until January 2026 at least, missing the trip I was going to plan in summer 2025 to celebrate my graduation, etc etc etc. It may even mean not getting a degree at all, because I go to art school, and there’s been enough administrative fuckery lately with my school that I’m worried it will—like many art schools recently—close abruptly and without warning. I have reached out to my school administration and asked if they want to write a letter on my behalf, and I’ve gotten some response, but I’m worried they won’t give me what I need in time and that a judge won’t believe me anyway when I bring up my education concerns.

My smaller fears are just… I guess… all tied to the disruption of routine that would come from being on a trial. And the worries of like, having someone’s situation in my hands to judge, and being surrounded by other people who are judging me. It’s pretty much guaranteed to make me overthink things, even if the trial is about a more minor crime. I do have slower processing speed, I do need to move around every half hour, I do need particular sensory accommodations, and all of these things would affect me, and yet!

I suspect 90% of this is my neurodivergence + generalized anxiety combo at work, and I suppose it is very real, but my dynamic disability imposter syndrome is really, really screaming at me. Like, oh, what do you mean you can get into one of the best writing programs in the country but you can’t handle a simple adult responsibility like jury duty? No one likes it, you’re not unique! Suck it up! Who cares if you have AuDHD? That’s what the awful part of my brain is saying to me. It is telling me that my disabilities are no excuse to feel this way, that other people’s disabilities are more “real” and that my life is a piece of cake my comparison. My brain also tells me that I’m a hypocrite, and that if I take civic duties as seriously as I say I do, I should be having fun and jumping for joy about this.

And then having made those comments, the mean part of my brain rolls in and starts in on its other greatest hits. If I can’t keep a room clean as a goddamn adult, then I don’t deserve to have a comfortable living space that’s the right temperature, so no use having anyone look at your likely broken air conditioner. I don’t deserve to write fanfiction because I haven’t worked on my original fiction at all and I don’t like the “correct” characters in my fandoms anyway, and I don’t deserve to write original fiction because I’m the worst at my IRL job. Actually, I probably don’t deserve a place to live at all! Or friends! Or anything else!

The mean part of my brain is, as it happens, a liar. It’s also a loud one.

Anyway. Thank god for yoga in a few hours. I think that may help with the intrusive thoughts for a short time but I would really, really, really appreciate it if this jury shit could be resolved in an expedient, friendly manner so I can just breathe out and focus on other stuff.

[p0litemenace]

Link to donate to GoFundMe

God, making posts like this is not easy. But here goes nothing.

First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to read this. Very recently, I was dealt two medical setbacks within the same week. Posting this is extremely difficult and violates every single safe feeling in my body when it comes to asking for help, but I’ve also reached an impasse where I don’t have any other choice but to reach out to my community and be vulnerable.

I am attempting to raise approximately $4,400 to address the following medical needs

1. Time sensitive dental care

To resolve advanced, time sensitive tooth decay, including fillings and crowns.

I am currently utilizing CareCredit to cover the upfront out-of-pocket costs of dental care.

I am resolving these issues to be eligible for surgery ASAP, per the advisement of my care team (see details below)

Estimated cost of this care is approx $2,200 post-deductible; I have paid for approx $1,500 of the treatments at this time via CareCredit (receipts posted below)

2. Parathyroidectomy (surgery)

I was recently diagnosed with primary hyperparathyroidism (PHPT). First-line treatment for PHPT is surgical intervention (parathyroidectomy).

Estimated cost of this surgery is approx $2,200 post-deductible. These are based on estimates via UHC for the in-network team I’ve selected.

With PHPT, I experience chronic pain of the joints, muscles, and bones, as well as additional side effects such as extreme fatigue, brain fog, depression, anxiety, constipation, and nausea.

For those familiar with PHPT, I have PTH levels of 185pg/mL (normal 10-65pg/mL), calcium levels of 11mg/dL (normal 8.5-10.5 mg/dL), and a left adenoma roughly the size of a bean, per my 4DCT scans (for context, a normal parathyroid gland is no bigger than a grain of rice). I have likely had this adenoma for over 5 years and desperately need to remove it to vastly improve my life and tackle chronic pain and fatigue, for which I've been having weekly physical therapy to help mitigate.

I have likely had this adenoma for over 5 years and desperately need to remove it to vastly improve my life. Receiving first-line treatment is extremely necessary in ensuring I do not develop osteoporosis and/or kidney disease further down the line.

Unfortunately, I have increasing credit card debt, making the payments to CareCredit extremely challenging to manage due to the high interest rates I currently have on other cards. I have accrued these charges due to a combination of life hardships, prior medical debt (previous dental work), and the overall high cost of living.

My ultimate goal vis-a-vis this GoFundMe is to pay off my CareCredit card to fulfill these medical needs, then through NFCC (National Foundation for Credit Counseling) work with a counselor to (1) close my credit cards and (2) lower my interest rates. I cannot close my credit cards and begin to properly manage my debt until I have fulfilled the medical needs I have.

For additional context about me, as of right now I have a full-time job in operations. I am also neurodivergent (AuDHD) and have always struggled with financial literacy. In full transparency, I have made financial mistakes along the way that I cannot undo, mistakes which are all catching up to me at this point in time.

I find due to these mistakes and due to life hardships I have no control over, it is getting harder for me to keep up with the day-to-day costs of living, including buying essential groceries, paying rent, and paying my utilities. If I can tackle this medical debt, I truly believe I will get ahead of my other debt.

Thank you for reading this far. As I said, anything you can spare, even $5, is greatly appreciated and will extend a long way. Sharing this across your networks is also greatly appreciated and will help more than words can say. Thank you so so so much.

Link to donate to GoFundMe

Verification proof below, as of September 26, 2024.

Verification

Parathyroidectomy

Primary hyperparathyrodism estimated cost of surgery (post-deductible) via United Healthcare

Full report pathology of single adenoma found on left adenoma via initial 4D scan, with additional verification of PTH and calcium levels.

Upcoming appointments set with prospective surgeon and bone density scan

Dental Care

Payments made toward CareCredit via Tend UWS, where I am receiving treatment.

Completed dental care thus far

Link to donate to GoFundMe

[nijikawa-satoki]

Alrighty, imma just do a thing.

Decided to redo my pinned post. So here we go:

序章 (Introduction)

Hiya! We're the Niji system! We have this blog for general usage and is generally SFW (for the most part). That said we do reblog occasional NSFW stuffs, so maybe check your blacklisted tags (← good to just do this in general anyways).

System introduction

As we stated before, we are a system (TL;DR multiple people in a single body. WE ARE NOT MERE PERSONALITIES, WE ARE PEOPLE JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU! Sorry, just had to stress that...) And we are a (mostly) happy bunch of 3:

Satoki Nijikawa (that's me! >w< ): 26 y/o, trans girl, she/her, oni furry with a fennec sona. Host of our system.

Wamo: 27 y/o, fem-leaning enby, she/they, half-kitsune half-tanuki. They're an alright one to be around.

Kiyoi: 15 y/o, enby, she/they, tengu. You won't ever see them interacting on here. This is just our way of keeping her safe from the less savoury folks...

↓ Specific info about our askbox and stuffs under the cut! ↓

美術について (Art)

I'm gonna make an art tag for our art from now on, just so it's easier to find our art again and to make it easier for people who want to see our art to find it! That's gonna be the #art:niji tag.

I will try to go back and retroactively put this tag on our previous art, but all of new art will have this tag, so no worries there!

As for what types of art we do.. we do primarily pixel art, but will do digital art as well.

In regards to the pixel art, we tend to impose a limit of 4096 colours (12BPP) but only up to 16 colours can be shown on screen at any given time.

If those limitations sound familiar, that's because the PC-98 uses those limitations!

My other art tags: #ref sheet:niji (for all my ref sheets), #niji:pride moon (for my pride moons)

アスクの箱について (Askbox)

We generally only have a few rules for our askbox (importing these from here)

No soliciting details that would result in me even accidentally doxxing myself. Cannot stress this enough.

No asking me to promote anything, please!! This is to avoid accidentally spreading potential scams.

All art requests must be SFW (And by SFW, that unfortunately means the requested piece has to abide by Twitch TOS)! I do occasionally work on art during streams.

Until I get around to doing so, if you have any questions about my OC's (discussed later), please start your ask with "OCnt" (shortened from Japanese 「オリキャラについて」 Ori kyara ni tsuite, "About Original Characters (OC's)")

All answers I give to asks will be tagged with #ask:niji.

オリキャラについて (My OC's)

A bit of backstory here. Once upon a time, when I was still a dumbass high schooler, I had a project now called "Ten'en" (天園). It was a game project that I was working on in RPG Maker, and I made some OC's for it. Or rather, I made descriptions of said OC's, since I sucked immensely at art back then (still suck at it now tbf).

What does that have to do with this? Well, because I still want to use those old OC's of mine, now that I suck less at art. Dunno, might revive that old project. But yeah, any OC related stuffs, I will tag using #oc:niji. Feel free to ask about them in my askbox (just follow the simple rules for that).

他のタグ (Other tags)

#niji:minecraft builds <-- Anything we build in Minecraft

#niji:terraria idiocy <-- Our Terraria tag

#niji:irl <-- All our irl pics

結論 (Conclusion)

Yeah, decided to redo this. Been meaning to for a long time, but alas, the audhd brain somehow wins >.>

I don't expect everyone to actually read all of this, but you did, thanksies. Anyway, I'm out of here.

---- Satoki

[ali3nboyfriend]

hey Logan!

I've been really insecure about how much my special interest/hyperfixation/whatever the hell explains why I'm obsessed with certain things ends up distracting me at work, and I know you also have the AuDHD(TM) and wondered if you have tips or even just insight for when you are trying to get work done and your brain is like "no actually, we can only think about starscream" etc.?

Feel free to ignore if this is too personal or you just don't want to answer, etc. I hope you have a wonderful day!

from my personal experience, the reason this sort of thing happens and becomes a distraction is that, like... to put it very unscientifically, your brain needs happy chemical to survive, right? it literally cannot function without it. and if you have ADHD or Autism or both, happy chemical is in very short supply -- your neurons literally cannot supply it unless it's in abundance, or at least that's my understanding of it. that's why we have such trouble keeping focus, or focus too hard on specific things, because our brains are always searching for the next crumb or shred of stimulation. this is why boredom also feels Literally Painful for us.

your work isn't making the happy chemical -- or it is, but not enough that it can register -- but your hyperfixation is! so since your brain has such a hard time extracting the happy chemical otherwise, and again, it literally needs it to function properly, of course it's going to go for the thing that's giving it what it wants.

i could give more specific advice if i knew what sort of work you do, but for general advice, what i would suggest isn't to so much ignore your special interest/hyperfixation/whathaveyou, but rather to make what you're doing more stimulating. if you're in an environment where you can listen to podcasts or even youtube videos while you work, that's immensely helpful for me, or if you work an office job or something where you have a free hand and can use a quiet stim toy, that's also very useful. you basically need to jack your own attention span. what sort of things do you know feel good and stimulating for you? how can you use those tools to your advantage?

if you don't already have a set, i would also recommend a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. even without anything playing in them, they've been my best tool for keeping myself on task when i'm on a work from home day, and they're great for helping me do chores.

(also, if you have breaks at your job -- i know some jobs don't, and i'm so sorry if yours is one of them -- and it's an indoor job, take the time to go outside when you're on break, weather permitting, and just take in the outdoors. even if it's city or suburban outdoors. i know this doesn't sound like much, but it reminds your brain about the passage of time, and for some reason it like... legit helps.)

[tealeavesandthorns]

OOC: God It's been so long...

// I guess I should start by apologising. I'm sorry I up and vanished, this is a pattern in my life and I think it has to do with masking.

The TLDR is I discovered I have AuDHD (99% sure on the tism about 89% on the ADHD), I got made redundant from work, I am searching for employment and my self-confidence was destroyed. Oh and add to that I apparently have no idea how to go about navigating friendships and expectations in real life or online.

All I know is that I want to write, I want to read, I want to be part of a community again like I have been before. This time I want to be honest with people, that I cannot keep up with communication the same way others do.

My brain is not built like normal peoples.

See I've always thought I was good with people, I've always thought that I just did what I did, I was who I was, and too an extent I was. I've always told the truth about who I am but masking has meant that I have given an impression to people about the amount of energy I can expend on them, on their lives and their problems, and then I have started to fail in that impression and I have grown frustrated and had to leave.

I could never fathom out why attention became too much or too uncomfortable, I could never understand why I found chatrooms and the group activities people did as themselves outside of RP made me so uncomfortable. Now I do, it's the tism.

The RP landscape has also changed so much in the 13+ years I've been doing it. Especially on tumblr and that has been hard to keep up with. So I do want to RP but I also want to write more specifically for Maria and Briar. I want to write drabbles and fanfic and make gifsets. I want to ship everything, I want to write everything, I want to build families for them like I have done in the past.

Now I have a new understanding of myself though and I ask that everyone be patient with me as I try to get going again. As I try to build my confidence again.

[werewolf-femboy-maid]

I am so fucking miserable there is so much pressure and everyone wants my free time but nobody wants to understand me.

very hopeless and angry tired feeling, very very sad

I got told about how much time im wasting by moping, how much he just wishes he had my free time and im so lucky. he didn't say that literally but holy fuck now he keeps playing my cards that he tells ME to stop playing (self deprecation and making my problems worse by being angry and not breathing)

so angry honestly

I feel so empty

ive wasted so much time. im 25 now. im gonna be 30. ive wasted so much free time. the internet is a scam. all the social medias are a scam. life is a scam. everything in the world is a scam. love is a scam. even death is a scam. and it all keeps going because love and hatred keep pulsing in the extremes of matter, living and non living.

im just really angry and didn't eat protein yet and im just so sad and very sad and upset and I feel like an entitled Karen and I think I overlooked some pretty telling symptoms of ocd

im so lonely. im so so extremely lonely. I weep for the little child that wanted to have fun with friends and eat delicious food and be peaceful every day. I have positively failed her.

I mean I guess not completely. I follow my heart if it matters too much. shed still be disappointed tho. 25 and still no car? :"( nothing?

not much food these days either. everyone getting broke. I cant imagine other places too rn. it's all so heartbreaking. everywhere I turn, it's just sadness and decay and corruption. and then every now and then there's snuggles and plants and food. but that's about it. its just living with the guilt that so many live a much more horrid and difficult life and have suffered unspeakable deaths. and im here moping. what even caused this? he said something that hurt my fragile pathetic ego again? I don't even remember. I feel so lonely because communicating with people requires more effort than Im comfortable with, but that's the only way anyone will come close to understanding me. im just so constantly tired. for the past entire life honestly. been babysitting since 3 years old. im literally the only girl. the oldest as well. I was homeschooled.

my mental health is probably suffering these days because im in that weird rut where I still need to sign up for an associates degree, but I also need to make a logo, but I need to watch one piece since he slept in too much to drop me off at my place this morning. idk its a big huge fucking mess, and if its true that ive been living with Audhd the whole time, then it doesnt even comfort me anymore because my youth was wasted on ignorance. I will never be 14 again. if only she knew. she could've said something.

so yeah long story short, not having a consistent something to do, whether that is a job, hobby, entrepreneuring or literally just self care schedule, is detrimental to mental health because it's taking exercise away from the brain muscles.

what I mean is that its good to stretch the body, and I usually feel quite refreshed after some cardio or weight training. and the same applies to the brain.

something im trying to grasp more is the "growth mindset" because the opposite of that is a "fixed mindset"

Growth Mindset: People can learn things regardless of age.

Fixed Mindset: There's only so much people can learn, and once habits are fully developed, people cannot change.

so I kept telling myself how hopeless it is, oh I wasted so much time, and time is money. my life is basically useless, my youth is depleted and now I need to die. but no that is not the case here, unfortunately.

unfortunately there is hope, not really for the world, but for my particular situation at least.

physically I am very privileged. I have white-yellow skin and have both parents making income. I have a bf that cares about me (we just both have problems lmao) and I have two places that I live at: my parents and my bfs. its convenient but at the same time its a fucking nightmare I need to reside at only one place and have my room n shit.

but yeah mentally I was isolated and yelled at for most of my life and I never got to play video games because I was a pushover and I also daydreamed too much so I got my homework done a lot slower than my siblings.

mix that with some undiagnosed adhd, autism, and even possibly ocd, and you get infinite sadness.

idk the "infinite sadness" is a phrase that comes into my head randomly lmao

hey I had this sad dream last night where I was walking with someone and they pointed to my bf sitting in some spot and they said "men like him who love people like you are going to live a sad life" and I just felt really bad because he has to deal with my tantrums (red40 is so bad holy shit, it was a lot worse than I thought)

anyway, the least I can say is that its never actually too late. you can be old af and having every kind of cancer ever, but if you find something you like, its never too late to enjoy it. do whatever the fuck you want man. don't listen to those random rules your head makes up that don't make any sense. make your own sense. and then make dollars.. $$$$$$$$$$$

[lockedtowers]

Now one thing really important imo is cassie’s autism, and as i’m audhd in real life, i feel i can talk about it really well based around not only my experiences, but those around me. and a really important thing about it is how you really cannot separate that from her. it’s how her brain was developed and how it functions, without it she’d be an entirely different person, the way the organ that all your other organs connect and listen to is kind of how one is forced to exist in any situation anyways and that’s really not any different here. but cassie, also like me, has been forced to mask so much that sometimes it would be hard for others to really spot the traits even though they’re blatantly there (which i dont mean the faerie traits, i know its a running gag that people will be like ‘oh my perfect baby was replaced by a changeling bc look at how it acts!!!) but no, like yes i do have a lot of faerie characters that are also autistic but autism is also a genetic thing, so chances are if you have it, someone else in your family has it too. you aint off the hook bish. )

now one of the most noticeable things about cassie, at least regarding her main/syfy verse, is the fact she doesn’t really have her own built strong moral compass. like she got in trouble with march and the QoH because she refused to kill a child, she felt like that wasnt okay, and that was a strong reason as to why she wanted to get away, but the stronger reasoning was placed in the arrangement with jack that she had no say in. she’s never had much say in her own life until she was assigned as march’s protégé, so it wasn’t like she wasn’t used to not making choices for herself, but she does not like jack. she does not like the way he looks at her. she hates the way he acts like he owns her. she did not want to be tied to him for any reason at all, and that well and truly fueled her desire to escape that life.

but she doesn’t necessarily understand morality at all, the queen of hearts doesn’t care for that kind of talk to begin with and prefers using the wonders to control people. march of course, while he grew fond of her, wasnt exactly a strong moral compass, but he swayed her a lot while she was with him because she was overall mirroring him. something she tends to do a lot. like, it’s very very noticeable that her best ‘moral moments’ would be when she was with hatter, because despite his own skewed moral compass he’s a better person than a lot of wonderland is, and while she still behaved the way she understood (bring him strays, for instance, because its better if he gets the humans than the hearts, even tho w some of my past friends he would extract the negative emotions from them too which is also kind of scummy but again, cassie wouldn’t understand why that’s bad, she just knows he doesn’t necessarily mind getting the strays so she’ll keep doing it.) she was supposed to, her ability to care about other people was a lot stronger while she was with hatter.

and that really continues on outside of wonderland, too. like girl gave up the freedom she hunted for for years to ensure hatter wouldn’t be killed. she is known to be foolishly loyal to a fault to people she thinks care about her. if you’re nice to her, she’ll probably follow you around and shit because she doesn’t know why she wouldn’t do that. and there are people she’s met who will call her out on shit, like ‘oh hey murders really not okay’ and she’ll be confused for sure and ask why, she’s going to ask why, because thats what she knows and what she understands, and why its ‘not okay’ isnt something she understands, especially since she was still doing it with hatter, if people threatened him she’s just off them and hide the remains because she didn’t want him to get hurt.

which is another thing entirely, how self sacrificial she is, and was, even without a moral system in her little head. because she sees someone in danger that she cares about, she’ll risk her life to save them no thoughts behind it. she’s a necromancy witch and it bled into her faerie power, she cannot really stay dead except in certain situations, but she doesn’t understand or know about that. as far as she knows, its a fluke that’ll end at some point, and if she dies protecting the people she cares about, then its fine… except she ends up protecting people she doesn’t know, too. and a lot of times she’ll do things and protect people who honestly dont give a shit about her.

but that's why i’ll say, a lot of the times, she will act similarly to the first person who finds her in any given situation depending on how they act with her. she’s never had that level of freedom before, and even with the new level of freedom, she also knows she’s still being hunted by jack. she doesn’t get why he views her as such a threat, but she knows he does. but she also doesn’t know how humans interact with each other. as her fae side is half unseelie, she is not able to lie, she physically cannot lie in any way. the worst she can do is avoid answering or respond in such a way that the information is true, but bundled so you can’t figure out what she means. as a cat, and specifically a cheshire cat, she already speaks in a ‘weird’ fashion to most, but theres reason behind that.

and she ends up behaving like the people she spends the most time around because she is always observing them, always watching, and learning their behaviors, learning their nuances, and repeating them back to the person. she’s watching, and she’s mirroring, which is both an autism related thing and a cat related thing funnily enough (a LOT of cat behaviors and autism behaviors are similar, tbh, its weird) and unfortunately most of her understanding and comprehension and mirrored traits have come from the men in her life (and any perkiness or excitability probably came from watching carlotta, tbh) and she struggles a lot with socialization since she doesn’t necessarily understand, but she will be the most loyal person you can find or have on your team. it’s just a matter of how well behaved she’ll be in the process.

[luciensbabbles]

So like. The good thing about being audhd is that if I'm not actively trying to remember something and doing everything in my power to ensure that my brain continues to actively keep the information going, it just vanishes. Like closing a tab it'll go away until, if, I open to again.

The bad thing about that, though, is that it can leave The Vibes ™ behind. And sometimes, like fucking Cthulhu, it'll just keep lurking there. Ominously, in the background, spewing The Vibes™ everywhere.

My active brain isn't paying attention. My active brain doesn't know it's coming. But it's like the photos of a dust storm or some other major weather phenomena approaching a city where it's just this wall barreling towards it. I'm so scared. I'm so tired. I'm so worried. I'm so stressed. I really want to cry. I want to run away from it all. I want to stand and fix things I cannot fix. I just want to exist in peace but I can't. I feel as though my entire body is vibrating at high frequency.

But I keep forgetting. But not enough. Not enough to not see it out of the corner of my eye. Feel as the temperature drops and humidity skyrockets and suddenly you can smell the lighting in the storm.

I'm just stuck. There's nothing I can do about it. I just have to grit my teeth because I'm at work and keep going. I can't stop. I'm never allowed to stop. If I stop too long things fall apart and the spit and prayer holding things together begin to give way.

I can't stop.

I can't stop.

I cannot get out.

I cannot get out.

It's coming.

[undergoing-mitosis]

i also have the same problem. hell, i didn't even know what autistic burnout was until a few months ago. but the biggest piece of advice i can give you is to take a step back.

easier said than done, i know. but, if at all possible, use any allowances you have. leave the room if it's too loud. buy noise cancelling ear covers. wear clothes that you feel comfortable in. don't force yourself to do something if you physically can't. stay at home if you have to.

continued after the cut...

spend every ounce of free time you can get wisely. stay in your own space unmasked. indulge in your special interests, or if these don't give you joy any more do something self-carey. just allow yourself to do whatever you feel. and use every drop and ounce of time you can to recharge and prepare yourself to step into the world again.

cry if you need to. crying is good.

asmr is my saving grace when im in so exhausted or stressed that i physically cannot move. i lie in my bed under my blankets w my blahaj (sensory haven!!!) and watch asmr and slowly drop off to sleep. it keeps my adhd brain occupied, shuts up all the shitty thoughts for a bit and allows me to relax. would also recommend white noise n soundscapes, bubble baths, safe scents, soft blankets, comfort shows, perhaps some guided meditation too. anything which is sensory safety for you. my primary sense is auditory (and then secondarily kinetic), but if you are mainly visual instead there's some great visual asmr out there, or perhaps those oddly satisfying videos might help.

in short, allow your brain the time and space to heal. don't be too hard on yourself, since you are literally in a state of survival mode. it's okay to not be okay. it's okay to be struggling. and it's okay to prioritise your mental and emotional health over your commitments. autism is a disability, after all, and autistic burnout is one of the most disabling parts of it all, especially for high-masking people.

if you have commitments you can't avoid, one thing that has helped me before is making a list of like, two things. that's it. that's all you have to do in a day. two small things, like brush your teeth and wash your face. that's it. then the next day, if you feel ready, add one more thing if the previous day went well. if it didn't that's okay. if you stay with two things that's okay. if you can't do anything, that's okay. but keep trying to take life in small, manageable bite sized chunks, no matter how small those chunks need to be. and keep persevering, and being kind to yourself if it doesn't work, and eventually you'll get there <3

this shit sucks, and there is no one size fits all solution. executive dysfunction sucks. autistic burnout sucks. audhd sucks, sometimes. and i am not going to pretend that im some connoisseur of audhd help (im struggling w all this too rn haha) but this is just what has helped me a lil bit in the past. and if you're anything like me, take this post as a permission to look after yourself. you deserve to be looked after. you deserve to have the space to heal. it is okay to not be able to do everything by yourself. it is okay to need help. it is okay to have to take a step back. you are no less worthy of a person for doing so, in fact you're more worthy because you're listening to your body as it's screaming at you in survival mode. you are worthy of love. you are worthy of time. you deserve to be able to recover. you have got this. <3

Slight vent/cry for advice

can someone please give me advice/tips/ways to keep myself afloat while struggling with autistic burnout and executive dysfunction

this is tiny little cry for little bit of help

when I ask a neurotypical for advice I'm typically faced with "get some rest" "limit social media" " take meds " and some other bullshit calling my lazy and unproductive and worthless

I can hardly get myself to do hygiene (brushing teeth, showering, deordrant, hair, etc..), My grades have compeletly plummeted, I'm getting overstimulatated easier than normal, and I can't regulate my mood like normal + my short term memory is shot currently

can I get advice on how to speak to people that can help me (teachers, friends, parents are iffy but etc)

can I get advice on how to cope and bring myself out of this little hole

can I get tips on how to do day to day task agajn

please..