#musings: every saint has a past

[bl00dysavior]

𝘛𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘪𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘮𝘢𝘺 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯

Image credits go to my buddy Nik over on discord for giving me permission to share his art!

We were chatting and sharing quotes and this came up, and. Damn does it fit Stiletto and her complicated relationship with religion that I'll eventually post more about.

But for now, the best way I can describe it is that she struggles to see the benevolence of a Creator in a world where tragedy happens to good people and killers walk free without punishment.

Yes, she's aware that her family weren't saints, and she by no means considers herself a good person, not when her own hands have been blood-stained the entirety of her adult life, but she still refuses to believe that her family deserved to be slaughtered the way they had. She refuses to believe that her fiancé at the time deserved to be gunned down for simply loving her and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[mad-hunts]

one thing about barton is that he (unfortunately) has the most dead-eyed stare half the time, even when he's describing something extremely traumatic that happened to him, so people may not know whether it's due to the fact that he just doesn't feel like he has ' life ' in him or if this is because he was really messed up by the trauma (it's both. it's both in most cases)

[petertingle-yipyip]

GUILTY AS SIN - KAZ BREKKER

//don’t ask me what this is dawg, i thought of it forever ago and wrote it half asleep and threw on an ending. leave me alone//

Pairing: Kaz x Crow!Reader

Word Count: 2,119

Summary: The little Songbird. A silly nickname for the Crow that likes to sing at the Club. When debuting a very personal, very specific song, the muse of that song - who isn’t supposed to know - is intrigued by the performance.

You were seated at the piano bench with Wylan while Jesper was bleeding fabric of color on the floor. You tapped your pencil against the notepad in your lap while Wylan played the same chords on the piano.

“I can’t get this chorus!” You groaned.

“What’s this song about? That Merchant’s son?” Jesper asked idly and you had to resist throwing your pencil at him.

“No, she’s writing about Kaz.” Wylan answered.

You whacked his arm with the notepad and he laughed.

“Just play the notes again.” You grumbled.

He was right, of course. Everyone knew of your crush on Kaz. It had started when you were younger and you figured you’d grow out of it. His cruelty seemed to guarantee it, yet he was kind enough to you. He was a very confusing man, especially as he grew into the feared Barrel Boss.

But still, your heart yearned and who were you to deny it?

You let your crush exist, burning under your skin when he was around. When you met his eyes in the crowded Club, your pulse jumped. When you two were partnered for a job, your nerves were electrified. When he spoke to you, you melted. Oh Saints, were you in deep.

Wylan, with a grin still plastered on his face, began the notes. You hummed along, finding the general flow of syllables.

“What if he’s written mine on my upper thigh, only in my mind?” Your voice drifted with the music and Wylan nodded along.

“One slip and falling back into the hedge maze. Oh, what a way to die.” Jesper added from the floor.

“I keep recalling things we never did.”

“Messy top lip kiss.” Jesper teased. He was lucky your legs weren’t long enough to kick him past Wylan.

“How I long for our trysts.” Wylan continued and you pinched him, making him yelp.

“Without ever touching his skin, how can I be guilty as sin?” You finished then squealed in delight. “I like that!”

“You should be more honest though.” Jesper said, standing and leaning on the piano. Your brows furrowed and he grinned.

You suddenly regretted his input.

“You should say something about wanting to bed him.” He laughed and you stood calmly. Wylan leaned out of the way and let you fully whack Jesper on the arm.

The boys laughed and you shook your head with a smile as you jotted down the lyrics you all came up with. You worked through the next verse with them and started a bridge. You adjusted a few lines in the chorus when it rolled around a second time, then found your favorite line.

I choose you and me, religiously.

You has chosen to be at Kaz’s side every time, without fail. You wondered if he noticed, then doubted he paid that much attention.

Later that week, there were no upcoming jobs to prepare for. There was no fight to ready yourself for. There was hardly any opposition since Pekka Rollins disappeared. So you found yourself, and friends, falling into your usual downtime routines.

Nina and Matthias playfully argued about something trivial. Wylan and Jesper made nonsense bets with each other, occasionally roping in Nina and Matthias, that usually ended with owing the other a drink or some treat. Kaz was nowhere to be seen, which wasn’t entirely unusual.

And you took to the stage.

Wylan had done several copies of the music for the few members of the band you recruited. While they played, you sang and lightly danced. You captivated the crowd, watching the women giggle and exchange glances at your lyrics. It seemed like they all had their own versions of that special type of crush.

The lyric change for the second chorus came up and you watched Jesper’s reaction specifically.

“My bedsheets are ablaze. I’ve screamed his name. Building up like waves, crashing over my grave.”

Jesper nearly spit out his drink and you grinned.

The grin quickly fell away and your body went ice cold when you noticed who had slid into the booth with your friends.

Kaz Brekker.

“I choose you and me, religiously.”

You finished your song and curtised to your applauding crowd. You smiled kindly before you hopped off the stage. Jesper was whistling loudly and waving

you over but you shook your head. You hid behind your hand to make your way through the dense crowd, making yourself scarce for the rest of the night.

Finally, though unsure how, you made it back to your room. The laces of your bodice had felt suffocating tight all night after seeing Kaz so as soon as your door shut, you pulled at the ends and took a deep breath.

You had sang in front of Kaz before. He said you had talent the first time he heard, and he was the one who offered you the stage whenever you wanted it. But singing that song in front him felt like you were holding a large sign that said “IM IN LOVE WITH YOU” with a bright red arrow pointing to yourself.

What else was he to think?

I dream of cracking locks = Kaz.

Without ever touching his skin = Kaz.

Every single lyric felt like an allusion to Kaz and you felt

stupider than ever.

You changed into something to sleep in and had just gotten the flush to leave your skin when a quick knock sounded at your door. You groaned quietly and flopped back onto your bed when you called for them to enter. You folded your arms under your head and stared at the ceiling as they came in. The door shut gently behind them, then a few seconds later, the bed dipped with their weight as they sat near your feet.

“If you’ve come to gloat about your lyric suggestion, I’m going to shove you off with my foot.” You warned, assuming it was Jesper.

You were wrong.

“Is that how you welcome all your guests?” He asked and you bolted upright.

You nearly collided with him but he seemed unfazed.

“I was expecting Jesper.” You admitted.

“He was very excited about your lyrics.” He nodded. “You gave him quite the ego boost.”

You groaned and fell back against your mattress again.

“Why are you here?” You asked the ceiling.

“Your song…”

“My song.” You sighed, closing your eyes in embarrassment and to brace yourself for his berating. “It wasn’t something you were meant to hear.”

“I assumed as much when you practically ran from the Club stage.” He agreed, tapping his cane rhythmically against the floor.

“Yes, well, I don’t exactly enjoy being mortified.”

“Though I’m not sure why you ran from me.”

Did he really not put it together?

You sat up on your elbows and gave him a dumbfounded expression. You doubted Kaz Brekker couldn’t figure out the truth behind your song, so you decided you’d play dumb too. The Saints themselves wouldn’t be able

to get you to outright admit to that song being very much so about Kaz, so there’s no way he would get it out of you easily.

“That song was very vulnerable.” You carefully admitted, watching for a reaction but getting nothing. “You weren’t supposed to know.”

“Seemed like you wanted someone to know.”

“Not specifically.” You mumbled. “I blame Jesper and Wylan. They helped me write it and then convinced me to sing it…”

He nodded slightly and you let out a sigh. You pushed yourself to sit up and crossed your legs in front of you. Kaz shifted slightly and intently looked at your expression. You had both lips between your teeth with your brows raised, waiting for him to say something.

“Did you like the song, at least?” You finally asked.

The corner of his mouth lifted into a small smile. “I’ve never heard anything like it.”

You refrained from swatting him with your pillow. Instead, you huffed and rolled your eyes.

“You do realize that could be both insult and compliment, right?”

That half smile grew a little wider and that time, you did hit him with the pillow.

“Jackass.” You laughed and tucked your pillow into your lap.

“Tell me.” He said. “You said ‘there’s no such thing as bad thoughts.’ Did you write that line?”

You nodded. “My sister told me that when we were little, before she was recruited for the Second Army… I was struggling with my first crush and she said that it was okay to think things about people. It mainly mattered what I did with those thoughts.”

“And who do you have thoughts about now?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper.

You pursed your lips and looked down at your scrunched pillow in your lap. It was the perfect opportunity to tell him, you recognized that, but that would mean telling him. The weight of the secret coming off your shoulders was tempting, but the fear of losing your current relationship gripped your heart tightly.

You two didn’t have the same closeness as you did with Wylan or Jesper. You could tell those two anything. Often times you did. But you and Kaz had an unspoken understanding to watch the other’s back. You never feared walking the Barrel or pissing someone off - unusually unintentionally - because you knew Kaz was there for you. In turn, Kaz knew he could depend on you for your part of the job or just your support for his death defying plans.

You were the first to agree to the Ice Court and you two had been an unexpectedly natural pair ever since.

“A man that I'll never quite get over, I fear.” You answered vaguely. “But I doubt I’ll ever truly have.”

“Then he’s a fool.” He said honestly, but the look on his face told you he hadn’t meant to say it.

“No.” You smiled softly. “It’s just… different. He’s different and complicated. I’d choose him and I if I had the chance.”

You were ignoring the fact that you did, in fact, have the chance.

“Complicated…” Kaz repeated.

“Among other things. But that’s one of the things about him.” You looked at your hands rather than him. “He’s clever and caring, but in a ‘I’d rather yell at you for being reckless than tell you I care about your life’ kind of way. And he does these subtle things to show he pays attention and he listens, but if you ever bring it up to him, he’ll deny it. He’s tough to get through to, but if you mean something to him, Saints, he’d burn Ketterdam to the ground to protect you.”

“And you feel guilty having these feelings for him?”

You looked up at him. “Not exactly… It’s more about whether or not I should feel guilty for thinking of him like that.”

“Because you think it's unrequited?”

“I’m almost sure it is. I’ve never seen him have feelings for anyone, except one woman, and it’s not the same with me.” You shook your head sadly.

“Y/N.” He hesitated.

Your brows furrowed. You’d never seen Kaz hesitate.

“You alright, Kaz?” You reached a hand for his arm, a gesture you did with the rest of the Crows without hesitation, then thought the better of it. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re wrong.” He answered carefully.

That answer cleared up nothing.

“About why he treats you differently.” He continued while staring at his hands and you listened quietly, trying to figure out what on earth the man was talking about. “It’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he cares about you and that frightens him. Last time he cared about someone, he still lost her. He doesn’t want the same to happen with you.”

“What are you…” You trailed off. Then it hit you. “Oh.”

His hand landed on your leg.

“How did you know?” You asked, not knowing if you should be excited or embarrassed.

Probably both. Both felt right.

“You weren’t exactly subtle.” He joked and you picked up the pillow to whack him again. “And Jesper told me.”

“Saints, that man can run his mouth.” You complained. “I’m going to stop telling him things.”

“Am I bad? Or mad? Or wise?” Kaz repeated your lyrics to you. “To have these feelings about you? To have these thoughts about you?”

“Someone told me there’s no such thing as bad thoughts.” You smiled slightly at him.

It’d be a trial to date Kaz. You always figured it would be, considering his temper and violent tendencies and touch aversion. But the look in his eyes, open and pleading, had you immediately choosing to try.

I choose you and me, religiously. 

Your smile grew a little wider when you felt his finger moving against your leg. 

M-I-N-E

[thefirstknife]

Some lore tabs that killed me dead and I'll never recover from them. Seasonal gauntlets are about Zavala realising and coming to terms with the fact that he is mortal and has mortal pains. Also, finally, the full confirmation that Guardians resume aging when they lose their Light:

He moved his chair back and considered his knee. What had he done to hurt it? He had not exercised yet, he had not gone on his usual patrol… he had done nothing. Why would a knee hurt from doing nothing? The riddle dissolved. He was starting to age.

But also:

He allows a hand to rest on his aching knee. To venerate it. He feels it solid under his palm. It is his, it is real, it is both portentous and precious. He is aging. He will age. An absurd and joyous thought warms in his chest: how fortunate, to have lived long enough to grow old. How invaluable, to make the space between himself and the horizon matter. How much time is left? And is it best spent with his knees under a desk?

Genuinely crying over this. How fortunate to live long enough to grow old. Man. Also at the end he asks for a break for one week and Ikora offers him two weeks.

The next one just... I have no words. It has to be read in full. It's about Saint going through it, having memories of his past and also dealing with the guilt with what's happening to Mithrax. Truly every sentence in this one is a gutpunch all the way to the end. Excerpts:

The hum of activity was overpowering yet reassuring to Saint-14 as he stopped to watch an older Eliksni expertly weave fabric on a well-worn loom. The woven symbols were unique and unfamiliar to the Exo, but he watched in awe as an iridescent glow emerged within the vibrant cerulean cloth. Fit for a Kell, Saint mused to himself— Breath caught in his throat; hands shook— Flashes of memory echoed in his mind. All he could feel in this moment… was shame.

Saint remembering his crimes against the Eliksni and feeling shame.

He hurried past the weaver and through the crowd, landing squarely in front of a tea stand, a sample placed in his hand before he could open his mouth to refuse. He looked down. The opaque liquid steamed in his cup, pungent and medicinal. Like distilled Darkness, Saint realized— Breath caught in his throat; hands shook— Flashes of memory filled his sight. All he could feel in this moment… was sadness.

Tea reminded him of all the stuff with Osiris and he is not processing it well. I say excerpts but I have to put the rest entirely because like. Okay.

Saint placed his favorite keepsake, a small stuffed bear, on the Kell's throne. Gently, he adjusted the lavender ribbon at its neck; the crisp satin sat in stark contrast to the bear's hazy black eyes, to its slightly worn ear and well-loved fur. A gift, once a comfort to a child of the City. A gift, once a comfort to Saint in the face of loss, in the face of— Breath caught in his throat; hands shook— Flashes of memory swelled in his heart. Osiris. His strong laugh. His deep, soulful eyes. The warmth of his smile. Of his touch. Memories of comfort, but all he could feel in this moment… was guilt. Intense and overwhelming, like daggers cutting through him, sharpness bleeding through sweetness. Saint breathed deeply and stared at the medical equipment around the empty throne before him. "The cost of my joy," Saint whispered, and he wept.

He has a teddy bear. He once gave it to a child, but someone returned it to him when he was grieving about Osiris, to comfort him, and he'd kept it. And he put it on Mithrax's throne because he feels guilt that Mithrax is suffering because he helped him and Osiris.

I'm ending it all.

[sgiandubh]

Saw your comment: "We're not all thirsty mommies, nor 12, nor bitter bitches. I'd love to see and hear more about what is beneath that mask, not beneath that shirt." Sam has done that before. He wrote an entire book about his journey but the book is called bullshit and he a liar. He's written well-thought out articles and forewords to books. He speaks intelligently and passionately and knowledgably about his liquors and the process of getting to market, and is called a shill. His work with Prickly Thistle is expensive and taking peoples' money, even when it helped this woman-owned mill immensely. It goes on and on. Today he's been accused of hypocrisy for a plastic cup, thirst trapping to change a conversation and using his social media as a PR tool to fool gullible women. Some may want to see beneath the mask but when he's shown what he is willing to you get the above.

Dear Hypocrisy Anon,

Thank you for your thoughts. I have read your long comment very carefully and let's say I agree with about 85% of it. The itching point is, of course, the book: Waypoints is a good ghostwritten memoir I have commented at length, with a more benevolent view than most of those who found it took some substantial liberty with what they (and I, for that matter) think it's the current state of play in SC Land. Note I am not saying the truth: that's only for Them to know, not for us. So dismissing it and calling everything a lie is a bit of a stretch. It's just a memoir, to be followed by other projects, other books. And who knows, another memoir, later on, where he could correct the course again at his convenience. He's only 43. Give the man some credit.

Trouble is, the world is a vast and diverse place. It's not just this fractured fandom. If he wants to remain relevant beyond OL, he needs, in my humble opinion, two things: a) to score a big role in a big budget production, which would improve his notoriety and help him reach a different public and b) curate his personal image a bit more and get out of this midlife crisis fake character he's peddling around. The only people who find it interesting are the thirsty mommies in *urv's crowd and that's, uhm... a bit irrelevant, in the big scheme of things.

So, no more political blunders, please and thank you. Shut the hell up and play Switzerland on complicated and divisive society issues which can get one in boiled water for a comma. Carefully picked and curated CSR projects, he'd ideally be more actively involved in. And yes, maybe a bit more transparency on the so many great things he does, like that partnership with the Edinburgh's Youth Theatre he didn't even mention himself or include in his stories (no doubt, out of a very British and endearing sense of modesty). And always remember: when faced with something beautiful and fragile, like that story, people will try their best to smear it and break it. I am not bitter, just realistic.

Same goes for your conclusion: I am sure many would like to see more of what is beneath that mask. It's too bad that a bunch of bitter, nasty, clueless, but also very noisy women occupy a bigger part of the stage than they should.

But have faith, Anon. For the moment, all of this is nothing what a good PR, not the clowns he obviously hired, can't fix with relative ease. Trust me. I've seen way worse. And remember, always remember what dear Wilde (God, I love that soul!) said: 'every saint has a past and every sinner has a future'.

You just gave me an idea for a future post and for this, I thank you, Anon. But for now, I have to catch up on a thing or two, rather than determine the morality of a plastic glass. I hope this long answer helps somewhat. Thank you for dropping by: it was a pleasure reading your musings.

[katakosmos]

btw u r like the only person allowed in this whole fandom to not make pandora a real scientist bc u can actually write her to be interesting and stand on her own despite that

🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

i feel an inexplicable connection with pandora, i carry her in my bones. she's there asking to be in everything i write and everything i do. she's literally my muse, because she can be anything and nothing at the same time, and every situation is made for her to be there and try to live it.

if you think about it, pandora is like a bible character in a painting. saints or apostles have specific elements with which they're always painted to be recognized by the public, and the fandom does the same thing with pandora, in the way she's written and perceived: in every universe, she always has the same personality. she's always the slightly crazy, strange, always calm girl, always the friend who gives great advice and helps everyone without ever thinking about herself. and if she's a rosier, then she's always the forgotten daughter, always the twin who lost her other half.

in all the fanfictions, characters are put in the most diverse and inexplicable situations, in places they would never be. but pandora, if she can't be something that recalls a fairy or a witch, simply isn't there. what a waste honestly!!!! she has so much potential and no one sees it!!!!

i've seen people say that making her a rosier makes her dependent on evan, and again devalues a girl in order to focus on writing a male character. but instead i believe that she can be the greatest only when she's a rosier. because imagine a girl who has spent her whole life sharing every moment with her twin, who had a beautiful childhood until evan at 13 became a monster. she stopped asking herself what she likes, and only asked herself what evan liked, what would not make their precarious comfort collapse. and, suddenly, she's alone in the world. her brother is dead, her family too, she has no friends, she has no one left. she cries because she has lost everything. she cries because she's finally free. those are tears of joy darling!!!

and now she can do whatever she wants! she has everything to try! LET HER TRY. let her be sweet, let her be mean, stupid, adventurous, shy. make her study science or philosophy, make her try cooking, sewing, singing idk!! make her try. make her fail. make her succeed. she has to try everything because she deserves it!! and she doesn't even have to be perfect. she can suck because in the past she was mean to others and didn't care about them. what a bitch! she can suffer (because after all, who is going to have a loving husband and a wonderful daughter? HER, so she wins either way).

isn't she perfect???

[monsta-x-jagi]

Crown and Chrome - Chapter 5

Synopsis: You finally find out why Kihyun left you

Word count: 5k

Triggers: none

Author’s Note: I am sorry I had to make Jongho the villain

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Past 

As your university semester drew nearer, the number of worries you had about the future began escalating. Kihyun could see it on your face every time you grew quiet and turned your gaze downward as if you literally didn’t want to see what was lying ahead of you.

Today, Kihyun had taken you shopping at your favourite mall. This mall included a number of high end stores, and with you being you, it was a given that you would always be more comfortable spending money than Kihyun, so you usually didn't ask him to accompany you. Hence why today, you were surprised when Kihyun called in the morning and told you to get ready to go shopping.

So now here you were, trying on what’s probably the 6th dress in the newest release of designs while Kihyun sat on a couch and waited for you to show your outfit. Kihyun liked to think he had the patience of a saint, but he had come here with a plan today. There was a store he wanted to take you to and he wanted to get there before the end of the day. 

Finally, you came out of the dressing room with all the outfits you tried. “I don’t know which one I should get,” you said with a frown.

Kihyun chuckled and shook his head. “I know even if you don’t buy it today, you’re going to go home and order it, or just wait until next weekend to come here again. Just buy all of it.” 

Satisfied with his response, you paid for all your items and asked the store to deliver them to your house since the bags would never fit on Kihyun’s bike. Then you left the store with Kihyun, holding his arm as he steered you to the store he had in mind. 

“You know, when I get my first car, we’ll finally be able to bring our shopping home,” you mused. 

Kihyun tapped your nose. “I think you mean your shopping, princess. Anyway, we’re here.” 

Kihyun took you into a high end jewellery store, heading straight for the counter. This was unlike him, he didn’t wear a lot of jewellery. Kihyun walked up to the very tall young man at the counter and explained he was there to pick up an order. 

The man looked up, flicked his gaze between Kihyun and you, and his features contorted to shock when he saw you. “Miss y/n, is that you? It’s been a long time!” 

Kihyun looked at you confused. You laughed and patted his arm before replying to the man, “Yeah it has been, Yunho, I didn’t have any events the last few months.”

“So I take it the order is for you then?” Yunho asked looking between you and Kihyun. 

Kihyun cast a desperate look at Yunho. You were not meant to know about this until next weekend when you leave for university. 

But to your credit, you laughed it off and told Yunho, “No, it’s my boyfriend’s order.” You leaned your head down on Kihyun’s shoulder and smiled brightly. 

Yunho’s lips curled into a teasing smile. “Boyfriend huh? Cute, very cute.” Yunho spoke while shuffling behind the counter to grab Kihyun’s order. “Does your family know yet?” 

Kihyun felt your grip on his arm tighten. He didn’t need to look at you to know your jaw was tensed as you spoke. “Uhh no, they haven’t met.” 

Yunho slid a small bag across the counter with a sad smile. “Perhaps it’s for the best, eh?” 

“Well I mean, didn’t your parents accept your decisions finally?” You offered weakly. 

“Oh y/n,” Yunho said. “I chose to become a jewellery designer instead of a doctor. Being around diamonds and being with a diamond in the rough are two very different things.” 

Later that night, as you and Kihyun were lying in bed at his house, Kihyun continued thinking about what Yunho said. He stared at the ceiling, one hand behind his head and the other drawing patterns on your back while you lay your head on his chest. Speaking more to the room than you, he asked, “Are you happy with me, y/n?” 

You lifted your face up from his chest and answered quickly with no hesitation. “Of course I am. Why would I not be?” You furrowed your brows as you scanned his face. “Where is this coming from, baby?” 

“Nothing,” Kihyun mumbled without meeting your eyes. 

You drew yourself up onto your elbows and crawled up higher so you and Kihyun could be face to face. “Does my family bother you?”

“What? No,” Kihyun replied. 

You smiled softly down at him as you brushed some hair off his forehead. “You’re not very convincing… but tell me this. Have you ever seen my parents in the house? Have you ever seen me interact with either of them?”

“No…” Kihyun answered slowly. 

“Exactly. They don’t pay that much attention to me. But you on the other hand,” you paused to kiss his forehead, “give me all the attention I want, and I couldn’t be happier.” 

Kihyun smiled and picked up your hand from his hair to kiss it and held it above his heart. He then said, “I am glad you feel that way y/n. I want to be able to make you happy. Every single day.”  

“And you do. You make sure I eat, you reassure me when I am studying and can’t understand something. Plus you always turn up for all the boring errands I have to run. I don’t think there’s much else I could ask for,” you said while your fingers drummed against his chest soothingly.

You scooted back down to lie on his chest and continued your explanation. “Above all else, you make me feel protected.”

“Um princess, just because I am a biker, doesn’t mean I fight like one,” Kihyun replied. 

You smacked his chest lightly. “You know that’s not what I mean. Besides, wasn’t it you who said I have absolutely no regard for my physical safety?” 

“Babe, I think everyone who has ever met you would say the same,” Kihyun teased. 

“Yeah ok fine.” You rolled your eyes. “But what I meant is that I feel like nothing bad could happen to me when I'm with you. And if something has gone wrong, being with you just makes everything better. It’s like you keep me away from all the bad things in my life.” 

Kihyun ran his fingers through your hair while he worked through his thoughts out loud. “I don’t think I deserve praise like that. I don’t even know if I deserve to be with you.” 

You buried your face into the crook of his neck. “Don’t say that. I don’t need you to give me everything in life. I just need you to keep loving me.”

The Present

Minhyuk, San and Wooyoung were all seated on the couches in the CEO’s office now. So far, you had explained all the good things that ever happened with Kihyun. 

“So he was your first love then?” Minhyuk asked. 

“More like her only love,” Wooyoung retorted. 

“No, she actually had a pretty good run with Jongho. Her mother even started telling her to invite him on vacations,” Minhyuk explained.

Wooyoung rubbed his hands together. “Man that dinner with the navy is going to be good. Kihyun and Jongho going toe to toe…” 

San smacked Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Bro she’s still your CEO, don’t say shit like that.”

Minhyuk ignored the two and asked you, “So how did you and Kihyun end things? We know it wasn’t on good terms but what happened?” 

“He left me. Simple as,” you replied with a shrug. 

“Left you? What, were you two married or something?” Wooyoung asked giggling. 

“No, he just stopped talking to me one day,” you replied. 

“Damn. That is cold. And low,” San said. 

“No wonder you can’t even look at him during our meetings now,” Wooyoung said. 

Minhyuk nodded along and added, “Glad someone else noticed.” 

Everyone was quiet for a minute, until San said, “You should wear your sapphire earrings tonight and mess with his head, especially after what Wooyoung pulled in the elevator.”

The other two men turned to you for an explanation.

The Past

The night before your first classes, you and Kihyun were at his loft, spooning on his bed. 

“I can’t take you to your first class tomorrow morning, but I know you’re going to do fine,” Kihyun said. 

“I hope you’re right. But hey at least I studied over the holidays right?” You said.

Kihyun placed a couple kisses along your shoulder. “Honey, you know you didn’t have to do that. At this rate, you’re going to be able to write your exam with your eyes closed.”

You turned around in his arms to face him. Kihyun’s gentle, content smile faded when you pouted and asked, “What if you forget me while I am gone?” 

Kihyun tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear. “Princess, why would you think that?”

“Because you’ll keep working and racing, but I am going to study. You’re going to live your life independently, while I intern at my parents’ company,” you replied. 

“But there's nothing bad with that, is there?” Kihyun asked. “You know you can come to my warehouse any time, except…”

“Except when I have class, I know,” you sighed. 

Kihyun chuckled and continued. “If I am free, I can take you to class, or pick you up after? We can still do everything we’ve done all summer.” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” you said a little dejectedly and nuzzled your face into Kihyun’s chest.

Kihyun ran his fingers through your hair. “Don’t fall asleep baby. I still need to take you home.”

You whined and wriggled in his hold. “Can’t we just stay like this?” 

“Alright. Just a little longer then, my love,” Kihyun said and pulled you in tighter. 

When Kihyun did take you home, the time you spent saying goodbye outside your house was longer than the ride there. You were sitting sideways on his parked motorbike as he braced his hands on either side of your hips. You looped your hands around his shoulders, content to just stare at his beautiful face. 

“I can see your roots now,” you giggled when you saw the streetlight fall on Kihyun’s hair. 

“Mmm, remember that time you tried to dye it for me and got Cheeto fingers?” Kihyun grinned. 

“I can’t believe you wanted a photo of me like that,” you said, smiling while looking down at your feet.

Kihyun placed his hands on your waist and said, “Hop down for me.” Once you did, he reached behind you to open the under-seat compartment of his motorcycle and took out a photo album. “This is for you.” 

Curious, you took the album and started flicking through it. Pictures of you filled the pages, including the one of you with Cheeto fingers. Eventually the pages turned blank. 

As if reading your mind, Kihyun said, “I left that section blank so you could add your favourite photos. Do you like it?”

 “Kihyun… this is…” you gasped, struggling with your words. “Just… come here.” 

You hooked your hand behind his neck and pulled his lips down to yours. As you sucked on his lower lip, he pushed his hips toward yours to hold you against his motorcycle. He leaned down further into the kiss, causing you to momentarily lose your footing. Your little surprised squeak was lost within the kiss as Kihyun entered his tongue into your mouth and made slow movements along the inside of your lips while you arched your back and practically clung to his shoulders.

When you both broke apart, breathless with puffy lips, Kihyun traced your cheekbone and the shell of your ear with his hand, his thumb finally reaching the little pearl earrings you were wearing.

“Pretty,” he breathed as he played with them. “There’s something for you at the end of the album.”

You opened the album again, leaning it against Kihyun’s chest while you flicked to the back. There was a thick envelope attached. Opening it, you found a pair of earrings with teardrop shaped blue stones. 

“Will you put them on for me princess?” Kihyun asked as he tried to peer down at your face to gauge your reaction.

You nodded, and pulled out the little card the earrings were attached to.

“Can I take these off you?” Kihyun asked as he lifted his fingers to your pearl earrings.

“Okay.”

Kihyun gently pulled the clasp off each, and tucked the earring into his palm before fitting your new ones on you. When he was done, he scanned your face, admiring your new look. “You look amazing, just like always.”

When Kihyun took your hand to place your old earrings in them, you stopped him. “Keep it. Get Yunho to make them into cufflinks or something.”

The Present

As you got ready for the dinner, you thought over San’s suggestion. Eventually, you gave in and removed your diamond hoops to slide on Kihyun’s sapphire drop earrings before driving your car to the restaurant. The other executives were already waiting at the restaurant for you when you arrived. 

Minhyuk waved you over once he saw you. “Miss y/n, you changed your earrings,” he said with a coy smile. 

You smiled at the ground and nodded. Leave it to Minhyuk to cause just the right amount of chaos.

“Whoever picked them had a good eye eh?” Minhyuk said, glancing at Kihyun.

Kihyun’s eyes locked with yours at that moment, both of you searching each other’s faces for a reaction that neither of you were willing to give. Kihyun looked away first, and played with the cufflinks of his suit jacket.

“Shall we go in then, Miss y/n?” Kihyun asked and you nodded.

Kihyun walked beside you, looking straight ahead as he led you and the other executives through to the restaurant.. It was the closest you’d stood to him in a long time, so you took the opportunity to give him a sidelong glance and take in his features. Simply put, you were staring, until you eventually got lost in his beauty. 

“You look good, y/n.” Kihyun whispered, more to himself than you.

“Hmm what huh?” You blinked, your reverie disrupted when you saw Kihyun speak but didn’t quite catch his words.  

Kihyun turned, scanned your face for a few seconds, then smiled. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

He pushed open the door to a private room at the restaurant where the navy officers were already waiting, seated at the table. You immediately recognised Jongho but found another familiar face beside him. 

“I.M.?” You gasped to yourself. 

Changkyun stood up and walked around the table to you. “Yes noona, it’s me. Technically, it’s Commodore Im now, but you can call me Changkyun. IM was just my racing name.”

“I had no idea you went into the navy! And you’re an officer now? That’s amazing,” you gushed, happy to see a familiar face. 

Behind you, Hoseok said to Kihyun, “Looks like your friend is hers now. She really does know everyone who is a someone.”

Kihyun clenched his jaw, but nodded. It’s not like he was worried Changkyun was flirting with you, but the fact that you were gushing over someone from your racing past while acting like you didn’t even remember Kihyun when he first saw you, was irking him off. He walked up to you and Changkyun and touched your arm to get your attention. 

Noticing Kihyun’s hand on your arm, Changkyun said, “Hyung, I didn’t know you got back together with noona.”

Instead of saying what he needed to, you and Kihyun sprang apart with his hand jolting off your arm. You knew Jongho at the table saw that. As did the rest of your executive team. You cleared your throat and spoke first, trying to reduce the awkward tension. “We’re not. He’s my investment director.”

“And she’s here on business today. Call her Miss y/n,” Kihyun told Changkyun, his voice growing steadily colder as he held Changkyun’s gaze. 

You left Kihyun and Chankgyun to stare down at each other, moved toward the table and pulled out the chair at the middle to sit down. Your executive team followed suit and filled in the spaces beside you. Once they were comfortable, you turned to Minhyuk on your right. “Can you get things started?”

So Minhyuk opened a portfolio and took the navy officers through the architecture department’s designs. Hoseok stepped in each time a question was asked so Minhyuk wouldn’t have to lose his train of thought. The cost related questions were always directed to Kihyun. Hyunwoo and you sat observing it all. Finally, Minhyuk closed his portfolio and looked to you. It was your turn to grill the officers. 

And usually, you would go about this in a calm, professional manner, but today, that was proving to be difficult.

“In order to proceed, my firm will need confirmation on by the end of the week,” you stated.

“And you’ll get it,” Jongho said without looking up from his notepad. You noted his insignia was that of a lieutenant.

You pursed your lips. “That didn’t sound reassuring,” you accidentally muttered out loud.

Thankfully (or not), Kihyun heard you and told Jongho, “MX can scrap the tender if we don’t receive confirmation.”

Jongho scoffed and pointed at you with his pen. “No you won’t. That one could never pass up a good deal.” 

Your executives could sense the tension. Hyunwoo’s jaw was clenched, Kihyun’s eyes were narrowed and Hoseok was rubbing his knuckles together. Beside you, Minhyuk scrawled something on a sticky note and slid it over to you: stay calm, we’ll handle it. You looked between your executive team and nodded. 

“MX has always made the most of resources its been given. Surely you can’t blame us for that,” Hyunwoo began, diplomatically.

“If you’re such a successful company, why would you need a government contract?” Another officer asked. His insignia said he was a commander.

You knew that question was intended for you as the CEO. The answer was simple: profit. But what’s a tactful way to say “military contracts pay big bucks?”

You opened your mouth to speak but Minhyuk tapped your wrist. Wait, he was silently telling you.

Just then, Hoseok stepped in. “MX is looking to expand the range of projects it takes on. Our portfolio is currently very heavy on commercial property.”

“Think of it as a defensive portfolio,” Minhyuk added, ever the mood-maker.

Kihyun rolled his eyes at the pun. Changkyun watched as you stifled a giggle and smirked, looking between you and Kihyun. 

He then leaned down the table and asked, “Commander, is your question satisfied?”

“Yes, Commodore,” the lower ranked commander responded.

“Any more questions?”

“Yes, actually,” Jongho said, licking his lips as he spoke. “How does our y/n plan to handle any personal conflicts of interest during this project?” 

“Excuse me?” Kihyun hissed, cocking his head. Minhyuk and Hoseok exchanged a worried glance.

You exhaled sharply through your nose and asked. “Is there a conflict of interest you’d like to expand on, Lieutenant? Or perhaps the Commodore?” You asked, looking between Jongho and his superior, Changkyun. 

“I see no conflicts,” Changkyun shrugged. 

“Commodore, are you aware the CEO of this firm has had two personal relationships with people on this table?” Jongho asked. 

Now Changkyun looked confused. Two? Changkyun only knew of Kihyun.

Hyunwoo cleared his throat, hoping to be the peacemaker. “Miss y/n has many close relationships with industry figures. Its simply a byproduct of her schooling.”

“Oh y/n, how many men did you go through?” Jongho shook his head and cackled to himself. 

“Lieutenant,” Changkyun warned. “This matter is not relevant.” He bowed his head to you. “I deeply apologise, Miss y/n.”

You heard the slamming of papers beside you from Kihyun. He was seething. “If there is anyone here that cannot handle past personal relationships, its you. This whole meeting, you have not once addressed Miss y/n properly. Instead, you demean her for a series of personal, non-business related, and need I say harmless, choices from her past. I think it’s very clear that this contract…”

“Yoo Kihyun,” you warned, getting him to stop his tirade before he said something you knew your company would regret.

“Oh this is hilarious. Y/n finally found the man who would protect her. Is that why you hired him? And not just him but that blondie too, passing you notes like it’s 4th grade?” Jongho mocked. 

“Mmmm, alright, I see how it is,” you rolled your eyes and drawled. 

Hoseok nudged Minhyuk almost excitedly. They knew this voice was reserved for when you were going to tear someone apart.

So you loosened a breath and began. ”Alright, Jongho, let’s talk about my personal relationships. If you and I ever had a meaningful personal relationship, then you would know that I draw the line with you insulting my staff. My architecture heads can cover projects in every single architectural discipline. My head engineer has had recruiters seek him out internationally. And my head of investments, the one you say I have a personal relationship with, has handled deals totalling more than this entire state’s military budget. But since you didn’t know any of that, it looks like we never had a meaningful personal relationship.”

Minhyuk smiled openly and proudly while watching you. Kihyun snickered behind his hand.

Taking a breath, you delivered the final blow. “Now Jongho, let me show you what a personal relationship looks like.” You faced Changkyun, and said in a sickly sweet voice, “Changkyunnie, will you do your noona a favour and get her ex-boyfriend to leave?”

Even the calm Hyunwoo’s jaw dropped open when he heard that. Several officers’ eyes widened too. 

Changkyun held you gaze, smirking proudly while he spoke. “Lieutenant, you’re dismissed.” 

The meeting wrapped up quickly after that. Chankgyun apologised several more times for his lieutenant’s behaviour and the remaining officers didn’t even make eye contact with you. Minhyuk would say that’s equal parts because of your speech and because of Kihyun glaring at anyone who looks your way. At the end of the meeting, Changkyun agreed to review your tender and forward you the contract to look over and sign if you still wished to proceed.

Outside the restaurant, the executives all headed to their own cars, making small talk as they went. 

“What’s everyone’s weekend plans?” Hyunwoo asked while stretching his arms in the parking lot. 

“My son’s visiting,” Hoseok replied. “His wife is pregnant now actually.”

You gasped excitedly. “Hoseok, that’s wonderful to hear. Let me know when to send something for the baby shower okay?”

Minhyuk laughed at that. “Look at you y/n, living vicariously through us. If you just want to buy small cute things, say that.”

“You know…” Hoseok began with a glint in his eye. “Y/n might not need to live vicariously anymore. I think she has someone, eh?” 

“What? No, no, it’s not like that,” you laughed, a little awkwardly since you weren’t sure who the someone Hoseok was referring to was. To move things along, you prompted the others to share their weekend plans as well.

“I'll just work on my bike probably,” Kihyun said with a shrug.

“Bike? Did you know y/n is into that as well? She has a whole garage actually,” Hyunwoo said. 

Kihyun’s interest piqued at that. Since when did you have your own garage? You never did any work on bikes back when you were 20. When did you start? 

“Well I am just going to sleep. Maybe get lunch with Hyungwon,” Minhyuk added, while rummaging for his keys. By now, all five of you had reached your vehicles, all of which were parked close to each other. 

“Sounds fun,” you said with a nod as you watched Minhyuk get into his horrendously yellow car that matched his sunshine personality. 

Hoseok did the same, moving to his black Range Rover. As he unlocked the door, he turned round and said, “I almost forgot y/n. Enjoy your date this weekend.” 

“Uh sorry, date?”

“Ah so it’s still the early stages then? That’s okay, you two will make a cute couple,” Hoseok said, while getting comfortable in his car. 

Hyunwoo, who never kept up with the gossip, looked at you incredulously. “Oh have you met someone recently? What’s he like?” 

“Didn’t you know? It’s Wooyoung from investments. You know, that boy that’s always hanging out with San,” Hoseok explained to Hyunwoo while he started his engine.

“Ahhh, I see, so you finally allowed San to set you up with someone. I’m sure he’s a very handsome fella then, just like San,” Hyunwoo replied as he too got into his car. 

You didn’t get a chance to explain before both Hoseok and Hyunwoo closed their car doors, waved goodbye and drove away. 

This left you and Kihyun in the parking lot. 

Kihyun cleared his throat, and approached a motorbike that had been hidden behind the cars earlier. As Kihyun was putting on his helmet, he said, “I’ll get going then, y/n. See you…” 

“I am not dating Wooyoung,” you blurted out, cutting off Kihyun. 

Kihyun paused. So then what had he seen on the elevator during lunch? Kihyun swallowed and tried to speak tactfully. “I see. It’s okay. If this is about what Jongho said during dinner, don't worry, nobody is mad at you.” 

You looked down at you feet to collect you thoughts before speaking. “I didn’t quite mean it like that but… oh well, doesn't matter.” 

“Yes it does. I wish it went smoothly today. Then you wouldn’t have to be humiliated by Jongho like that,” Kihyun said with an edge to his voice. “I should have looked into it more when you said he was in the military.”

“Aww Ki, it’s not your fault,” you said gently, taking a step closer to him. Kihyun almost second guessed it when he heard the cute nickname, but you didn't seem to have noticed what you said as you continued speaking. “I am still grateful you had a contact.” 

Kihyun chuckled softly. “Well, I think my so-called contact liked you more than he liked me.” 

“True. I never thought your contact would be someone I’d recognise. Plus, we got lucky that Changkyun is a commodore,” you mused.

“Yeah he joined the navy sometime around when I sold the warehouse,” Kihyun added as he leaned against his bike, content to continue what was probably the longest conversation you two had shared so far.  

You cocked your head, processing his words. “Wait, sold the warehouse? When was that?” 

Kihyun’s eyes widened realising his mistake. “Uhh what I meant is I sold a warehouse, but it wasn’t mine.” 

He pushed off his bike and stood up straighter while you made quick strides to him and closed the distance between you two. He didn’t make an attempt to move away from you. You stood so close you could could’ve caged him with you arms if they weren’t occupied by your bag.

He studied your face as you looked up at him with your brows scrunched. Kihyun wasn’t sure what you were about to do, and he was shocked by how cold your voice was when you spoke., “But you did sell your warehouse. The one we always met in.” 

Kihyun didn’t reply. Neither could he meet your gaze at that.

You gave a mirthless chuckle and continued. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out? It took one day, one fucking day and a report my colleague handed me to find out what happened. To find out exactly who you sold that warehouse to.”

You were angry. You were hurt. Kihyun could see the tears pooling in your eyes and how you were clenching your fists. “Y/n, it’s not what you think,” he began. 

You stepped even closer to him, chests almost brushing. “I am not an idiot Kihyun. That warehouse was private property, your property, and MX acquired it. My firm. You’ve seen me study property law so you know I know what that means.” 

You started accentuating words with your fist so Kihyun clasped both of your clenched hands gently and brought them to his chest. “Y/n, baby, I was just trying to protect you.” 

“What were you trying to do? Make me chase you by leaving the rights to that entire plot of land under my mother’s company? Was it to stake some claim so you could come crawling back one day?” 

“Please, y/n, it’s not like that,” Kihyun said, biting his lip and looking down. 

“Do you honestly expect me to believe that?” Your voice became lower, punctuated with angry hisses. “You fucking sold your warehouse to my mother’s company, and disappeared without another word to me, asshole.” 

“You’re right, princess, and you have every right to be mad at me,” Kihyun moved your closed fists to one hand and reached out to cup your face with his other hand, but you stopped him.

You loosened one of your hands from his grasp to grab his wrist and push his hand away from your face. “You don’t get to call me princess, not after what you did.” 

“Baby, please believe me, it was the only way I could protect you,” Kihyun pleaded. He still kept one of your hands on his chest, while you brought his hand down to his side and lightly linked your fingers together. 

In a more measured voice than earlier, you said, “Do you know what it was like to walk into that warehouse and find it empty? Do you know how it felt when the first project they gave me at MX was to redevelop your warehouse like it meant nothing to me?”

“Y/n, I am sorry. For everything,” he said.

[foxes-that-run]

Holy Ground

Taylor has described Holy Ground as reminiscing on a past relationship, which the final is. The draft lyrics in the Lover Journal do not refer to it as a past relationship however, that was added later. The album arrangement of Holy Ground is upbeat, fast tempo, with State of Grace it was part of the anthemic opening of the Red Tour. In the 2019 BBC Live Lounge which was recorded in NY Taylor played it slow and sad:

Red Secret Message "When you came to the show in SD"

The Secret Message for Holy Ground is "When you came to the show in SD." Which may be Saint-Denis, the district and canal in Paris very close to Le Zenith which Taylor played on 17 March 2011.

They had the opportunity to meet when One Direction and Taylor were both in LA in 25-30 January 2011. This may be the referred to "first glance". Begin again shows them texting each other. From then until the 16 March they toured different countries.

One Direction had a 3 day weekend 16 - 19 March. Harry left Brighton the morning of 17 March. Taylor was in Paris on the 16, 17 and 18 March. Taylor then went to Madrid and Harry re-appeared at the O2 on 19 March. Thank you @cntfightmydemonsthyknowhowtoswim for these links.

This was the first show on the Speak Now Tour that Taylor played Fearless and Train's "Soul Sister" in a mash up, which appeared on/off for the rest of the tour. Soul Sister was Harry's X-Factor audition song.

They were then both in London and on Wednesday 23 March Taylor wore a white dress similar to the cover of Begin Again. Taylor was in London many times for the rest of the year

What about San Diego?

People have theorised that SD is her show in San Diego on 20 October 2011, suggestion Joe Jonas attended, however he was in Paris on that date. One Direction did have time off then though.

Why Paris? Paris features in the music videos for Begin Again, Everything has Changed, Falling, Paris Lyric video and the Love on Tour Images for What Makes you Beautiful.

What Taylor said about the song

In the Red album talk Taylor said she wrote the song about a past relationship and appreciated the relationship for what it was. Of note, she pauses *a lot*, like 6 times in 10 seconds, and pinches her hands, in the part where she says it was a past relationship.

Taylor said she wrote Holy Ground after seeing the muse in February 2012. In January, she had been 'holidaying' in London (having spent months there the year before) being papped walking alone. She left London the same day as One Direction, 27 January, ahead of Harry's 18th birthday 1 February 2012. See 2011 timeline. More thanks to @cntfightmydemonsthyknowhowtoswim

She speaks with no pauses once she talks about the production. She mentioned Jeff Bhasker, who worked on the song and went on to be one of Harry's main collaborators.

On 3 February, the day after Harry's 22 Tweet Taylor Liked a Tumblr post of Holy Ground Lyrics also.

Lover Journal

Taylor also shared a Lover Journal (book 3) entry for March 16 2011, where in Paris, she said "My life is so beautiful right now. Every once in a while I have to remind myself to breathe and take in the view", later a Lyric in Paris and something Harry said on the Jonathan Ross show 16 November 2013.

The original lyrics to Holy Ground are on the next page (dated "February 2012", and not yet complete) with Love Story on the adjacent page. These February 2012 Lyrics are quite different, "Back when" and the last verses with "dust on every page" are missing, it is reminiscing, but not after a break up. It is likely the song was further developed when recorded mid-year and their relationship changed.

Live Performances

Holy Ground was on the Red Tour setlist and then only played a handful of times:

30 June 2015 - 1989 Surprise Song in Dublin, followed a Clean speech:

Everyone here tonight has [...] things that haunt them. [...]. Memories you wish you didn’t have. Memories you wish you could forget. [...] whether you lost someone you never thought you’d lose or you lost yourself. Or you fell in love with a person or a habit that was bad for you, and you couldn’t quit. [...].

22 October 2016 - her only live show of 15 songs that year, played between Style and an Enchanted/Wildest Dreams mashup. Harry and Taylor had been in New York.

22 May 2018 - Reputation Surprise Song in Seattle, first show after their anniversary.

29 August 2019 - BBC Live Lounge recorded in NY (above) one of 6 songs. Harry was in London, on the 19th he lost the Rose Ring.

27 May 2023 - Eras Surprise Song, NJ, in a green dress with False God. "I feel pretty good about this song for tonight, it's called Holy Ground". It also replaced EHC in the recorded Red intro when the Joe Break up was announced in April 2023.

Lyrics

I was reminiscing just the other day While having coffee all alone, and Lord, it took me away Back to a first glance feeling on New York time Back when you fit my poems like a perfect rhyme

The first verse includes drinking coffee alone, coffee being a theme. Here Taylor drinks coffee alone, similar to Is it over now? “let's fast forward to 300 takeout coffees later" it is post-break up. This is in the original lyrics, but separated by distance.

The second half remembers a brief meeting and includes that Taylor and her muse travel a lot and share a love of poetry and rhyme.

The original lyrics differ here, importantly "back when" is missing, the relationship was still current and Taylor felt completed by the person. It was "Back to the first glance feeling on new time, you were the last word filling out the end of the rhyme"

Took off faster than a green light, go Yeah, you skip the conversation when you already know I left a note on the door with a joke we'd made And that was the first day

This second verse hits themes in Haylor songs of how quickly they fit:

Lover "Have I known you for 20 seconds or 20 Years"

Labyrinth "Never trust it if it rises fast / It can't last"

Message In A Bottle: But time moves faster, replaying your laughter, disaster

You Are In Love: Time moved too fast, you play it back

Coney Island: The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go

Also skipping conversation is a theme of not communicating

The note on the door is visualised as a piece of paper on a hotel door in the lyric video. It reminds me of The Very First Night's "Didn't read the note on the Polaroid picture". This lyric also reminds me of Begin Again "I think it's strange that you think I'm funny, 'cause He never did"

And darling, it was good Never looking down And right there where we stood Was holy ground

The Chorus is the end of the February 2012 lyrics. "Holy" ground has always confused me, but I think the clue is in the secret message, it was "Saint" Denis.

Down is in a lot of songs, this is just some:

Come Back... Be Here "And now that I can put this down"

IKYWT "'Til you put me down, oh"

Style "And when we go crashing down, we come back every time"

IWYW "We're a crooked love in a straight line down"

Wonderland "Took a wrong turn and we / Fell down a rabbit hole."

Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress We had this big wide city all to ourselves We blocked the noise with the sound of 'I need you' And for the first time I had something to lose

tee hee Dress: "Only bought this dress so you could take it off"

Question…?: Good girl, sad boy, big city, wrong choices

Need is in:

Come Back… Be Here: I guess you’re in New York today, I don’t wanna need you this way

This Love: When you’re young you just run but you come back to what you need

New Romantics: We need love, but all we want is danger

End Game: I’m one call away whenever you need me

Don’t Blame Me: Shaking, pacing, I just need you

Need "Oh, It's a need, it's a need I would go anywhere that you lead"

And I guess we fell apart in the usual way And the story's got dust on every page But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now And I see your face in every crowd

This verse is clear the relationship has ended, but was added after February 2012. Fell apart is also in:

The Very First Night: Back then we didn’t know we were built to fall apart

Out Of The Woods: "We were built to fall apart, then fall back together"

Taylor has also made the story/page reference is a theme in many songs

New Year’s Day: "Don’t read the last page, but I stay"

Death By A Thousand Cuts: "But if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?"

Paris: "Privacy sign on the door and on my page and on the whole world"

Tonight I'm gonna dance For all that we've been through But I don't wanna dance If I'm not dancing with you

There is a lot of dancing in Haylor songs:

22: Everything will be all right if we just keep dancing like we’re 22

The Very First Night: Danced in the kitchen, chased me down through the hallway

Out Of The Woods: To move the furniture so we could dance, baby, like we stood a chance

You Are In Love: You two are dancing in a snow globe 'round and 'round

Dancing With Our Hands Tied: If I could dance with you again

Cardigan: I knew you, dancing in your Levi’s, drunk under a streetlight

Cowboy Like Me: And you asked me to dance, but I said, “Dancing is a dangerous game”

Maroon: And I chose you, the one I was dancing with in New York, no shoes

Glitch: I thought we had no chance and that’s romance, let’s dance

and bonus Dancing, after this she learned to Dance alone:

Shake It Off: I’m dancing on my own, I make the moves up as I go

New Romantics: We are too busy dancing to get knocked off our feet

[jamrockshuffle]

tes·​ta·​ment noun a: a tangible proof or tribute b: an expression of conviction

spotify link / image credit

izzy hands playlist; annotations, tracklist, and details under the cut

Updated 10/16/2023: literally so much manchester orchestra towards the end. but it's MY playlist I'll do what I want

A lot of kind of emotional, dark, passionate ed/izzy in this. So just keep that in mind :) This playlist was started last year. I think all of the songs fit still, but if you're looking for the more season 2 oriented content, I will mark the songs added since it aired. Hope you enjoy! It's nearly six hours I think I have a disease.

As per the uzsh the genres run the gambit. don't say I didn't warn you - All This Time / The Beta Machine

When you rose up this morning Did you take it for granted That I'd be there when you woke? That I'd still be there when you woke? [...] If you want me to adore you Better get up off the floor now I've said all I've had to say But maybe there's some better way

- Lost at Sea / Kellermensch

The war is over and I lost I learned the hard way not to trust It's getting easier every day To watch you slip further away

- You Should Have Known I'd Leave / Vast

Love is cold Love is blind Love is a sea And I don't know what you want But I know it's not me

- Blown Minded / Young Galaxy

In my heart I have lived without aught It's been the war of attrition Between a small-minded fool And sublime intuition

- Breathe / Puscifer

honestly lads I don't know what to say it just goes ok sorry

- Holy My Hand / UNKLE

- Touched / Vast

The razors and the dying roses Plead I don't leave you alone The demi-gods and hungry ghosts Oh god, god knows I'm not at home I'll never find someone quite like you, again I'll never find someone quite like you, again

- The Rat / Dead Confederate

This fucking song. I added it over a year ago but holy shit, has season 2 made it that much crazier. Honestly the entire song is just so... i don't even know what to tell ya tbh I would paste the whole song here if I could Shoot from the back And take good aim Make sure I'm dead Bang Bang 'Cause I'm a rat There's no mistake Under the bed Where you sleep Crush the skull And make me tame Sweep it up Hide it away No morals shown In no way explained Stupid human Shit for brains I am going feral over this song and how it slides in so neatly for season 2 so far (as of posting this, episode 3) I'll follow you Into the grave And at the gates I see the passing say "The judge be judged And all the wretched be saved" I throw my curse All across your days <3 ty for coming to my ted talk

- Lovesong / Snake River Conspiracy

might be a little controversial since it's a cover of the original by the cure, but this is more the kind of music I tend to listen to so that's what's in the playlist lol.

- Structure of Love II (Renholdër Remix) / VOWWS

Take a look at me now Have I disappeared? Is this the structure of love? Are you in here? I can't get you out of my mind Your love is so hard to define

- Tusk / Fleetwood Mac

I've said it before, I'll say it again. PERFECT edizzy song. If you think this is a stede/ed song you're wrong get the fuck outta here

- Bleak / Death Machine

Hold my breath Known I am one of the walking dead you say In my chest, there is a bombing It's made of flesh it's made of flesh

- The End Is Begun / 3

Watch what you say Words can be heard from your grave Pluck from a fist full of straws You cannot resist your tragic flaws And you said what you said That I'd be better off dead Than be fed into the furnace Of the monster Shall I cry, shall I die Shall I be shot through the sky As I fly into the furnace Of the monster

- Breadwinner / BEA1991

- Martyr / Roniit, Saint Mesa

Drop all your hunger, kill your dues So give me shelter, give me proof I'll be the martyr and the muse All of your sorrow, I'll consume

- Man Overboard / Puscifer

- Ennoea / Keluar

- Complicated End Times / O'Brother

You can try and measure what I do By the sweat in my brow But you don’t know a thing about me You want to snuff the fire out

- Goliath / Woodkid

A sustained heart pain and a dark fever How did I get fooled by such a savage curse? The more I forgive you, the more it backfires Now you're dancing through the smoke like nothing else matters

- Beat And The Pulse / Austra

- Spellwork / Austra

I work alone saving my soul If yesterday hurts, tomorrow is worse Send me a sign, for my body's aligned I'm ready to waste all my limbs and my face My pores are wide open And bleed for your potion Spellwork and lies

- Feral Love / Chelsea Wolfe

Your eyes black like an animal Black like an animal Crossing the water Lead them to die

- Drift / So Below

Even if you change your mind It doesn't have to mean that it's over Even when the moment's gone I feel the same Even when you bite your tongue It doesn't have to mean that it's over Even if it all goes wrong I feel the same way, hey

- Dancer in the Dark / Scratch Massive

Where did you go? My mind is gone I'm dancing in the dark Just silent and grey It's just silent and grey

- The More I Sleep, The Less I Dream / We Were Promised Jetpacks

I lost all hope I left it with someone, some time, somewhere ago And I picture it now The house on the hill, with nobody wandering around And I cry like hell I'm hugging the floor and pretending there's somebody else The more I sleep The less I dream The closer I feel Oh my word I'm nothing but a curse Oh my word I'm nothing but a-

- Ship in a Bottle / fin

Oh, captain, let's make a deal Where we both say the things that we both really feel I feel scared and I'm starting to sink And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

- Toma / Puscifer

Stole my patience, stole my pride Snatched the rhythm from my stride Kicked my certainty up the middle Knocked the wind out of my romantic side Hopes and wishes set aflame What's your purpose here, whatcha hope to gain? Took my dignity, you took my dignity Burned a lover so earned an enemy

- The Shore / Woodkid

I walked all day along the shore I was made for loving you I drown my pain in alcohol How could you feel the same way too? My feet will not walk anymore So I guess you ought to know the truth I wonder what I am made for If I'm not meant to be with you

- Restless (16BL Remix) / UNKLE, Josh Homme

Well, I'm all restless but I don't care You don't like me much, well, me neither You go read my mind like some kind of God You live, let's have you trippin' on the same one you lost

- Ship To Wreck / Florence + The Machine

And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I said? I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed And, ah, my love remind me, what was it that I did? Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build a ship to wreck?

- Lies / CHVRCHES

Always, we can sing, we can make time Old songs, flood and flame, you could be mine But you got to show me both knees, skin and bone Clothe me, throw me, move me 'til I can sell you lies You can't get enough Make a true believer of Anyone, anyone, anyone I can call you up If I feel alone I can feed your dirty mind Like I know, like I know what you want

- The End / The Beta Machine

A million miles away from you this time I'll do what it takes I'm on my way If lines are in the sand I'll go under If I can make it in time I will bring you back with me If all that's left of you is in my head This is more than a bad dream The end of all I know

- Jealous Sea / MEG MYERS

This whole song... like bruh lmfao Everything's right, everything's wrong When you call my name I can't handle the thought of always being gone When I'm wearing this ring And I want to go out, I want to get drunk Being in love and I don't want to fight But nothing makes sense anymore And I don't think I can stop the jealousy When it comes, it comes like waves and I can't breathe And I don't think I can stop the jealousy When it runs, it runs like lightening through my teeth I want you to tell me what to do I want you to tell me what you need When you look at me like you do Don't leave, I just can't get enough I just can't get enough

- Holy Water / Zippermouth

I don't want you to save me from the demons only you seem to see But don't you dare take my pride away and strip me of my sanity I'm calling all of you out I'm calling out of you in To the party of unnatural sin And my imperfections scare you, I can see it in your eyes Water That burns my bastard mind 'Cause I can love as good as one can love someone In a perfect world is one I will love myself before I will love you

- Die For You / VALORANT, Grabbitz

Now there's only one thing I can do Fight until the end like I promised to Wishing there was something left to lose This could be the day I die for you

- Choke / Hybrid

I'm not explaining myself to you

- Give It Up / Black City Lights

The fever's own Filling in my bones and my blood It's enough But I still can't take it off It's sickening Hands around my neck And my chest is burning with my breathing

- Elijah / Blood Red Shoes

- Love You Wrong / Husky Loops

I've thought about it all along I am sure I love you wrong

- Autumn / Bear In Heaven

Silent romance guided by chance, just like everything Altogether would it ever suffocate the pain?

- Hands On The Bible / Local H

Hands on the Bible Scared like a child God holds you liable For what you've done Homicidal Stared down your idols A pretty baby Never born You can't believe it You didn't mean it But they saw you do it And they know your name

- Touch / July Talk

I want to make some space underneath my skin Cut me open, I can let you in Should I let myself be torn in two? And will you give into that side of you?

- Avalanche / Kosheen

He's nothing like me So wrong and wretched Your safe reality Is living in sketches And live out happiness With no explanation And peer out at the world

- A Long Time Away / Shearwater

A break in the clouds like a crack in a cylinder But now there's blood on the beach and a wreck in the water As the shadow arrives on the face of your innocence You feel the shock in your eyes and the shaking in your own hands

- It's No Good / Depeche Mode

Don't say you want me Don't say you need me Don't say you love me It's understood Don't say you're happy Out there without me I know you can't be 'Cause it's no good

- Always Right / Ramona Falls

God is in the things you love So don't you punch me with kid gloves

- No Tomorrow / The Birthday Massacre

Dedication to the ruin of the light within you Darkness all around It's so easy to let go of all the things that make you true Watch it all fall down You bait me, I follow And if this night feels hollow Then drown me in sorrow There will be no tomorrow

- Flood / Saltillo

I wanna watch you wreck all the paintings in my house As you run down my wall (Holes of my life) Wash away these things I never needed These papers and these clothes

- The Remedy / Puscifer

izzy @ stede bonnet tbh. well, in season 1 at least ;)

- Little One / Beck

Drown, drown, sailors run aground In a sea change, nothing is safe And strange waves push us every way In a stolen boat, we'll float away

- Becker / Autolux

That's delirium's way You know it seems so right All the entertainment they spray Atrocities contrite It brings you back again It finds you every time The blackest quote they spit into the tin can of your mind

- Eyelids / Saro

In my eyelids, I’ve tattooed your words To remember what I don’t deserve Could you be why I feel so empty?

- Found You / Django Django

I've heard my name spoken in vain so many times You called, well here I am, what is yours is mine There's nothing you won't sell But I don't want the wealth you made That's not what I returned for

- Darkness At The Heart Of My Love / Ghost

There's a darkness at the heart of my love That runs cold, runs deep

- Dangerous / Son Lux

I watch you fall Hollow and depleted A city razed Oh, to bury you beneath it

- Numb / MARINA

- Fear and Loathing / MARINA

- O My Heart / Mother Mother

And I throw my heart back to the ocean But it don't go far, it come back floating And I watch it wash it up with the dead fish But it ain't quite dead, it just is like this

- Bones / The Qemists, Kellermensch

Fearless: my heart Open my arms Laying on the dark isle Every way is down

- El Monstro / SkraeckOedlan

(There beyond the dawn we see you, but our longing is an agony) Där bortom gryningen vi ser dig, men våran längtan är ett kval (They have robbed you of your future, we belong together you and I) De har berövat dig din framtid, vi hör tillsammans du och jag

- Relocate / Kauf

Do you feel any better now? I'm trying to follow what you told me I'm just a dog, mystical empathy and carefree I can't forget the skin pulled tight, every letter read Is it your justice we never see? Do you feel any better now? Your father is lying where the bones are A little lost colony from the start I can't forget the skin pulled tight, every letter read Is it your justice we never see? We never see what only you can say We are ready for it

-> SONGS ADDED AFTER SEASON 2 STARTS HERE

- Before We Drift Away / Nothing But Thieves

- A Place To Call Home / Big Wreck

So how do you beg for what's your own Pick the pieces, lick the wounds Stoke the fire, fan the flame Squeeze the clouds until it rains Would you champion the cause? 'Til you find out what you've lost Who do you dare to call your own And where's the place that you call home?

- My Name Is Ruin / Gary Numan

My name is Ruin, my name is vengeance My name is no one, and no one is calling My name is Ruin, my name is heartbreak My name is lonely, my sorrow's a darkness

- Run From Me / Timber Timbre

- Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Allegretto / Beethoven

- Because the Night / Patti Smith

- Dear Brother / Puscifer

Reminiscing on our indestructible days The party never seemed to end We donkey punched the night away Some risky business, my friend Fortune seemed to favor us 'Round every dark and twisted bend

- The Moth / Manchester Orchestra

This song makes me so insane tbh Forced myself to take a different name Buried with metonymy Decide for me Throw the man you used to be away Bury him with rivalry entirely My entire life you've been obsessing with the light The closer that you get, the further up you've got to climb You wanna hear it hurt, you wanna feel it when he dies If you walk that path alone, you've got to look him in the eye

- Brevony / Ramona Falls

- Graveyard Shift / Battle Tapes

I fell asleep at the helm of a runaway train And laid myself at the feet of what I couldn't slay

- Black Cloud / POSTDATA

There's nothing outside, there’s nobody left There's nowhere to hide, nowhere to run or to forget No one to find you if you ever tried to And nobody tries to Sand in the sky, drowning in the wind Look in my eyes, mama, I've been contaminated Little by little by little, just a little bit Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

- Keel Timing / Manchester Orchestra

Yet another song that makes me insane. I put too much Manchester Orchestra in here but I'm living my best life Don’t let 'em in your bed, we're lying Don't let 'em in your bed, he is lying Little more, a little more, he is biting I was folding slowly frozen Changed for you And it wasn't right, but it wasn't wrong It was holy

- Pale Black Eye / Manchester Orchestra

This entire Song is so fucking wild I don't have yours or mine I don't hurt you like I used to Amy, you must be tired cause when you sleep, you sleep alone And understand the throne Cause if he didn't pay what he had paid I'd undeniably become erased So whatever you want Take whatever you need And bite your veins Bleed your pain Into me Goddamn I'm tired of lying I wish I loved you like I used to So hold on, you pale black eye Cause when I sleep, I sleep alone

- Strawberry Letter 23 / Shuggie Otis

- Pygmy Love Song / Francis Bebey

- In The Dark / Cathedrals

I can see you fall apart You turn away and fade out of sight But I hear you call in the night Let it go, let me hold you this time (don’t say a word)

- The Sailor Song / Autoheart

ty @soundless-storm for the suggestion :) I was your sailor, your demon, your lover Your overbearing best friend Hoping for some attention

- Megalomaniac / Aeseaes

Eye to thigh as he sharpens his blade Thick sweat, sick salt, lead bellyaches I don’t know what I’ve been drinking Dripping dread as all the lights start scrеaming Seven-inch steel bolt fed to thе head Now is then and I am now bound to forget The devil wears a cotton dress over his gun Jagged mumbles wispy warbles blushing in the sun

- Rule #9 - Child of the Stars / Fish in a Birdcage

You were a wanderer Back when you were young I remember your eyes were clear Brighter than the sun With hands so soft Delicate and sweet You learned to fall And balance on your own two feet I could only lead you so far I believe in who you are

- Vessel / Dan Mangan + Blacksmith

There are other lyrics in this song that are good too but this just reminds me of 2x01 when Izzy tells Fang to unhand him when he starts to cry Stop Wait Un Hand Me

- Cover Me / Black Math

One hand above the skin My head below the water As I float in the deep As I float in the deep

- Let It Storm / Manchester Orchestra

This is very post 2x04. For the new unicorn :) I don't wanna hold back my faith anymore I don't wanna fall into that man again I just wanna keep both my feet on the floor So let it touch me And let it storm

- Disciple / IAMX

Sorry this song is kind of a lot lol Disciple, I absolve you So forgive yourself enough to obey the naked truth That you need to be owned And you beg to be controlled

- Bed Head / Manchester Orchestra

This song is SO season 2 ed/izzy it makes me so insane it's the entire fucking song tbh I'm posting most of the song lyrics sorry. "Bed Head" is two old friends existing in two separate realities. It's a conversation about the lives they lived, the consequences of life's decisions, and finding purpose in trying to be better. Arguing with the dead I'm not alone but it sure feels like someone left Deaf notes and talking heads Carrying on your debt Blood on the bed head and volumes you left unsaid Let 'em talk and let it habit, now I'm afraid you're alone Oh, my God Let me relinquish and start to distinguish my past, and my time You and I are oil and fire, so Oh, my God Let me extinguish the habit, the sequence, the loss in my mind Now I believe in the ghost Ghost Clawing against your skin Clutching my neck said, "It's all supposed to end like this" You and I are panoramic Now I'm afraid of the ghost [...] Right by the entrance, you broke Finally, reality's taking its hold You're not who you were, but you can't let it go You're not where you're from, but you're always alone So I stick a flag in the ground I think I know who I'm living for now I am what I am, same above as the ground It's not what I want, but I'm figuring it out

I'll keep updating the annotations as I have free time :) the playlist is almost 80 songs long and growing lol. Enjoy!

[bloodstainedbible]

my brain is so big right now. it doesn't know how to shut the fuck up.

1. unearthly bargains

muse a is a deeply pious healer known for curing the townsfolk’s ailments, but only those who pay their price—always a personal sacrifice. muse b is desperate, willing to give whatever it takes for someone they love. but the closer they work with muse a, the more they realize this healer may not be a saint at all. shadows linger around their whispered prayers, and muse b begins to wonder if they’re dealing with a messenger of something far darker.

2. confession of the damned

muse a is a preacher who hears muse b’s confession, only muse b isn’t there to repent but to taunt. muse b speaks of sins yet to be committed and wants muse a’s blessing to carry them out. the preacher is repulsed yet enthralled by muse b’s wild, wicked faith, feeling their own moral walls beginning to crumble with every confession.

3. the scent of burning roses

in a small town riddled with secrets, muse a is known to visit the church’s graveyard nightly, claiming they’re there to mourn. muse b, intrigued by the strange ritual, follows one evening and discovers that muse a is in communion with something far darker, something that responds when muse a speaks in hushed, reverent tones. muse b feels a pull toward this strange, forbidden connection, even as a sense of danger grows with each encounter.

4. feast for the forsaken

muse a is an enigmatic figure who appears in town with a promise of salvation through strange “ritual suppers,” held in the ruins of an abandoned chapel. muse b is skeptical yet captivated, attending these rituals out of curiosity. the ceremonies blur the line between reverence and something unholy, and muse b soon realizes that each supper requires a personal sacrifice far greater than food.

5. the light that burns

muse a is a missionary who has come to preach to a remote town, but their devotion borders on obsession. muse b is a quiet member of the community, reluctantly drawn to muse a’s sermons. muse a claims they can “see” people’s sins and offers redemption at a heavy price. as muse b’s resistance wanes, they begin seeing twisted visions in muse a’s presence—visions that make them question if they’re drawn to salvation or damnation.

6. hymns in the dark

muse a has spent years atoning for past sins in solitude, living near the edge of a haunted forest the townsfolk avoid. muse b is a wandering musician who arrives, seeking shelter, and is drawn to muse a’s strange hymns heard in the night. muse b soon finds themselves mesmerized by the music, unable to distinguish between divine beauty and something far more sinister.

7. visions from below

muse a claims to receive “visions” from a holy source and believes themselves chosen for a sacred mission, but muse b is beginning to see the cracks in their faith. as muse b is drawn into muse a’s circle, they start to experience strange, inexplicable phenomena—a statue bleeding, shadows in the shape of angels. muse b must decide if these are signs from heaven or proof that muse a’s god is anything but holy.

8. the blood moon baptism

muse a is a devout figure in a small town with a hidden history of dark rituals tied to the blood moon. muse b is an outsider who arrives and quickly becomes fascinated with muse a’s cryptic beliefs and traditions. as the blood moon approaches, muse b is invited to take part in a “baptism,” only to realize that the ritual is a lure for something unholy lurking beneath the town’s religious facade.

9. a sanctuary of sin

muse a is a devout believer who has taken refuge in an abandoned chapel to “purify” themselves from past sins. muse b, a mysterious stranger, finds them and insists on sharing the sanctuary. as they coexist, muse b’s quiet influence slowly reveals muse a’s repressed desires and doubts, sparking a spiral into temptation and self-discovery.

10. the devil’s reflection

muse a is the town’s preacher and muse b their loyal confidante. but when muse a begins seeing disturbing reflections of themselves in the church mirrors—visions of what they could become, dark and twisted—they start confiding in muse b. muse b, who secretly harbors their own dark faith, encourages muse a to embrace these shadowed versions, leading them both down a dangerous path.

[randomfoggytiger]

React: "Return to Me" (from the POV of Someone Averse to RomComs, Part II): I Become a Bonnie Hunt Fangirl

Continued from Part I (see here)

Minnie is saved!

Um... Bob's not doing too well. He wants to walk the dog. Charlie has already walked Dog (my muse from Part I.)

"Okay. Thanks."

Charlie's following him around but he respects Bob's unspoken need for distance.

Charlie's really taking it hard, but I know Bob's going to have an epic meltdown once the ice thaws (to loosely quote Grace Kelly's boyfriend-character Mark in Dial M for Murder: "Later, you're going to have a beautiful cry.")

Ohhhhhhhhh, got it. The dog (Mel? ...still better than Bob) waits by the door for Jane Bennett every time.

They kicked up the 90s slow memory sequence.

And Bob's crying.

Okay, he's really crying.

Okay, I dig this.

Bob, you've endeared me to Bob. I shall lay "the bit" to rest in peace. ...With Elizabeth.

Look, I know that was a low blow, Bob, but it had to be done.

Old grandfather prays to his favorite battle saint for Minnie's heart.

Bonnie? the mom friend is an actual mom wrangling her entire family, including the older generations.

Old grandpa Marty is devoted to his candle and prayers.

More 90s slow mo--

I was going to say this reminds me of the 90s slow dance slow mo sequences I typically think are in romcoms and now it's back to Bob while he continues to sob on the floor as Mel (who is no longer my stand-in, I suppose, you can't come back from a name like Mel) sits there, unfazed.

Oooh, look--

beautiful shot.

Grandpa is the only one awake-- prayed that heart back to life.

And the camera goes back to Bob when the heart starts beating again, waking him up.

Coincidence? With Tuscany and vacations and romance to be had???

Minnie Driver's painting. Good for her representing the artistic girlies.

Old men bonding over music while grandpa keeps an eye on his granddaughter. Is this how we and our mutuals sound?

Methinks he will sniff out the jig and bring all the pieces together by the end (because there's got to be a 3/4 misunderstanding, right?)

I like how casual Bonnie Hunt's style is-- it's a gentle, lived-in world.

Grace, as we shall now call her, bikes in the street with kids-- not, as her grandfather cautioned, on the side of the road.

Doctor's appointment!

"Oh, of course I'm happy. What else am I going to be?"

..................Yeahhhhhhhhhh, you're not happy.

Grace: saved from death, still insecure about her scar, and slowly bumping herself back to life. An imperfect survivor, a normal human.

A mood.

"I'm alive and someone else is dead." A mild form of survivor's guilt, I see, I see.

"He's a great listener" was a great joke.

Bob is grumpy and determined and driven I see.

Two morbid souls will collide at the zoo over the rubber monkey enclosure, I reckon.

Another girl, another mood:

It's been a year and friend Bonnie finally convinces her to mail the "thank you for your heart" letter.

"Okay, everyone clap for Auntie Grace, she just mailed a very important letter." Amazing.

Bonnie shoving everyone past the construction workers was also amazing.

Bonnie's a fave (and love that she gave herself-- if this is the same Bonnie-- a great role that doesn't outshine the main leads. It's respectful and kind.)

Bob still obsessively guards Jane Bennett's memory.

The heart's pumping again. Pumpity pump pump.

Bow chicka-- nope, they missed each other.

But Grace felt something and highlighted that her heart beating didn't hurt (hmmmmmmmmmmm foreshadowing.)

I CALLED IT the gorilla's doing the hand thing that he used to do with Jane Bennett aka Elizabeth... lastnamehere, ahem ahem.

Bob's mad and tells off a board room.

"I'm here because of my wife. You got it?"

Thank you for that shot, Bonnie.

I'm becoming a big Bonnie fan, as you can tell.

Charlie is setting his man up with a date only a year later, right after he tore apart a board room AND is working his men overtime for his late wife??? ...Charlie, my man, you're going to have to work miracles. You should meet Minnie Driver's Catholic grandpa, he'd adore you.

Wait, Charlie's a vet? Oh, wait, yeah, he works at the zoo.

Introducing new kid on skates.

"Look at you! Where are you going?"

"I don't know!"

This is the quality content I hoped for.

Skates boy holds down the fort-- a valuable guy.

"C'mon, pal," Bob chastises because Mel won't kick the "wait for Elizabeth" habit. (In the first part I likened the dog to be my self-insert. This dog is nothing like me, and I am immeasurably disappointed.)

Subtle touch of immense irritation at someone knocking on the door.

Is it time to reenact how happy he was compared to how mad he'll get at Mel now? The set up and payoff?

Here we go.

"Eat back here like a normal person--"

Chuckle worthy, but also.

He softens up; but the dog doesn't budge too much.

"You made it halfway."

That's the theme, I'll bet.

"You gotta snap out of it, buddy."

This makes Bob reflect, and he decides to kick some of his own Pavlovian responses-- and ends up on a truly horrendous date.

At least, I know that part's coming up and I'm pumped.

The old men's song convo comes back: they were selecting music for their restaurant. Nice touch.

Grandpa surprises her with tickets to Italy to paint cuz he was staring earlier at her painting earlier and it's these little moments that make me repeat words like "earlier" too frequently.

The waitress lady missed Grace's initial reaction and is put out. The banter is epic.

And Angelo talked the grandpa into it and Minnie knows this and thanks them all in a way that reflects their separate bonds. Good storytelling.

Angelo set her up with a hair transplant man (reminds me of a joke Bill Burr? told about stapling ants to your head for vanity's sake.)

Angelo's taste in vacations? Top tier.

Angelo's taste in men? Absolute bottom tier... though the guy's cheerful, so there's that.

I love this.

I don't even need a romance at this point I just want to watch the two live their separate, slowly recovering lives.

Enjoy!

[bl00dysavior]

Tag dump

[activatebutterflyshield]

The following is the introduction to the scholarly article As the Wheel Turns: A Speculation on the Gods, published in Foxtails, the professional journal of the Chatter & Melody Society, co-written by Sydney Saint-Vincent and Irene Yeoman

How, exactly, does one describe a god of Humanity? They are inherently unstable, full of contradictions and oxymorons to the point that one has named itself Contradiction, and she derives great power from that fact. But perhaps the best way to attempt to explain these strange things is by first describing their birth.

A god is born when Humanity creates one, as only Human Devotion can create something from nothing. Enough thoughts and convictions and beliefs and other intangible but very much real nothings can bring a being into existence from the swirling nebula that is Humanity. Gods are born and gods die every moment, most nothing more than sparks in the endless night, but some grow to match-heads, to torches, to camp-fires and fireworks and wildfires and blazing, flaming stars in the void. To quote the Right Honorable Sir Gilbert Jean-Pierre’s breakthrough book On the Creation of Creators, which established his reputation as a humanist philosopher and forerunner of the modern study of gods,

“He, or She, or They, or It, is not our creator, as no god, nor gods, is, nor was, nor are, nor were. Gods only exist because of Humanity; We are the true creators. That is why gods are always comprehensible, why they always appear to us as something and not nothing. To be inconsistent and yet coherent is the greatest trait of humanity; it is no wonder that we have bestowed that attribute upon our creations.” (1803, p. 15)

Humanity creates gods, stars in the boundless darkness, so that we might better understand ourselves and see the way forward. And the Eras are the brightest of stars.

An Era is born every time Humanity decides that they have moved on to a new part of Our existence, and they embody whatever time We have moved on from. The wonderful reality is that, theoretically, there are an infinite number of possible Eras, as time is theoretically infinite. And due to Human Nature, Eras are some of the most powerful gods, as it is only natural that we should hold some fondness or nostalgia for the times before. Thusly, the Eras of Humanity have gained great power in this modern day, and We always seem to find a new way to empower them.

There is no universal consensus as to what is an Era and what is not an Era, but what follows is the most widely agreed upon list of Eras:

The Chatter, Broken Chains, freedom and wilderness and revolution and anarchy, the fox bound eternal, pitchforks and torches at the gates of the king.

The Songbird, Wonderful Thing, creation and beauty and joy and revelry, the muse of all who breathe, marble and fascination upon the pedestal of greatness.

The Expanse, Bloodied Flag, ownership and conquest and war and empire, the loyalest of hounds, a banner of victory upon a hill of the dead.

The Mimic, Smiling Mask, worship and poison and wrath and control, the locust never sated, crocodile tears and lies through smiling teeth.

The Splendor, Gilded Crown, power and influence and wealth and elitism, the king lion of his pride, fangs of gold and glittering jewels.

The Wanderlust, Horizons Beyond, travel and trade and exploitation and distance, the shark disappearing past sight, a sail bright white above bloodied waters.

The Contradiction, Infinite Possibilities, theory and experiments and knowledge and progress, the cat with two sides, a tantalizing discovery for any to claim.

The Industry, Limitless Creation, production and efficiency and mechanization and profit, the dragon with a fire in its belly, merciless machinery.

The Duty, Tireless Mount, devotion and sacrifice and tragedy and patriotism, the horse that never stops, willing cannon fodder on the battle field.

The Fluctuation, Indiscriminate Fire, gambling and guessing and luck and fortune, the blind deer stumbling onward, scales always tilted but never fair.

The Speculation, Information Erased, secrecy and paranoia and ignorance and rivalry, the snake with a padlocked mouth, what is never fully understood.

The Inevitable, Dying Giant, decay and rot and destruction and loss, the whale withering alive, a fate prolonged and unstoppable.

Every Era exists, and thanks to their nature as gods, every Era holds sway over some part of the universe, no matter how small or grand. They come into and go out of fashion as time marches on, but rest assured that every Era will leave and return like so many spokes of a wheel as it turns. At time of writing, though the Inevitable has just come into its being, Speculation, Fluctuation, and Contradiction are back in fashion. Industry never really left, and neither did Splendor, but Chatter has returned with a vengeance as of late. One should hope that Humanity might cause the advent of something a bit kinder in the near future. A Era called the Blooming, or the Reclamation, might be best for Our survival.

[urfavnegronerd]

dreaming of you- selena

trope: angst because i'm missing someone real hard rn so now its everyone's problem

published: july 20, 2023

warnings: sadness, possible errors (i edited it by myself so i did my best), tried rly hard to use regular punctuation, i haven't used y/n in a fic ever so for now we have a good ol character name that u can substitute if you'd like, alternates from past to present tense but let me know if i messed that up a bit so i can fix it for the sake of clarity, religious themes if you squint (a church, a saint and a prayer, nun too crazy mostly just honoring someone), i think that's it

pairing: oc (amari, gender neutral) x miles (1610 or e42, either works)

wc: 1.7k ish

cielito- little sky (at least that's how my family uses it), amor/ mi amor- love/ my love

Late at night when all the world is sleeping, I stay up and think of you

Time is fleeting, the days turn into months into years and however long. The concept of time is funny because doctors will tell you that you have a new dermal layer about every month. So my body has forgotten and forgotten him. It’s strange because he– Miles, is always in the back of my mind, tucked away quietly for me and only me.  

It’s been three years since Miles’ passing. 

and I wish on a star 

If I were to talk about Miles, I would tell you about his voice and how smooth it would sound 

“Amari,” he calls, reaching out for me. I hum a response, distracted by the calculus assignment in front of me. if I had known, I would have given him a proper answer. 

“Are you busy?” 

“ ’s just a little bit of calc” I mumble. 

“Oh. Do you need help?” I shook my head in response, too prideful to ask that of him. I felt him slowly and gently pad his way over next to me, the carpeting absorbing the sound, and put his head on my shoulder. His curls tickled my pierced ears, the scent of his hair overwhelming my senses. The smell of pomegranate and honey, something so soft and kind to me, to my nose, to my body. If I could go back, I would smell his hair over and over again, to keep that part of him with me, always.  

“I just wanted to feel you, Mari,” the mumbles into my shoulder sent butterflies into my stomach, the same way they always did. 

After I would tell you about his voice, I would tell you about his mind. 

Miles had the most beautiful mind, a painting of beauty in a warzone. A small rose, reaching up from the cracks in the concrete, fighting nature with pure willpower, a colorful muse in the bleakest of places. His mind was the birthplace of such beauties, and treasures, treasures that I will keep tucked away in my head. For me and only me. Something to tell the world, to tell Brooklyn, that Miles Morales was not invisible. He was the opposite. He was vibrant and kind.

“Amari, baby, do you like this with drips?” he asked looking back at me, standing on his tip-toes, his hands smeared with yellow spray paint, trying to reach an impossible spot with no one's shoulders to stand on. I look up from my book, perched on a tattered couch somewhere beyond the train tracks. The light he would use to paint throwies and murals was blinding, he would squint with his whole face starting with his nose and traveling to his eyes, brows, and forehead. 

“Yeah. I like the drips a lot baby,” he smiled something goofy, something whole-hearted and warm, no doubt the byproduct of the love he had in his home. In his heart. 

Miles was soft, too. 

He would lie on his back on the floor, staring at the sky on the rooftop and listening to music. He turned his head to me and stared. He stared at me like I was the brightest light he had to look at, like out of all the constellations I burned the brightest. At that moment, he was Galileo and I was the sky. 

“Cielito,” he whispered, taking the wired ear bud out of my ear and gently turning my face towards him. “I’ve never looked at someone as beautiful as you, knowing how much they love me. and I like you so much that I can hardly breathe Amari, and it's like I have this thunder in me, in my veins. You make me nervous. but also calm, calm from lovin'. Mari, I love you.” 

Instinctively, I blush, bringing the sweatshirt up and over my mouth. Smiling something fierce, I laugh and press my forehead to his. 

“I love you, Miles,” I whisper, staring into his eyes. I had never once been so sure about something in my life. But I was sure about Miles, I was sure about his hazel eyes and tightly wound curls. Sure about the way he looked at me like I was the only thing he could see. I was sure about the comfort and calm in his eyes, a small pearl in our Brooklyn neighborhood. 

I was sure about the way he kissed me next, sure about how softly his hands held my face. Sure about the small and rough callouses on his wrists, and how no matter how rough the world saw Spiderman, he was soft. comfort, warmth, and all of which are attributes of a home. And the more that I think about it, he was home. 

That somewhere you are thinking of me too 

I slam my hand on my alarm with a vengeance, and a seething ache in my heart arises as I look around my room. Sage green walls once clad with photos and posters, now stare back at me, tangled in bed, empty. All signs of a life that were once reflected on these walls are gone. Boxes litter my floor, and shelves once full of trophies, plaques, books, and jewelry, are empty. The only remnant I have of this room being full of warmth is in my head, tucked away neatly next to the memories of Miles. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes and tugging off my bonnet, I shimmy into cargo pants and a too-big hoodie. Miles’ hoodie. Folding up my pajamas, taking the sheets off my bed, and neatly folding them, I push the rest of my life into a box half full. 

I can’t tell if it’s anger or sadness that fuels me, but I push the boxes into one corner and sit on the edge of my now-stripped bed. I stare at the fire escape, the cool metal being the home to several sleepless nights, endless secret kisses and so much more. Memories of a life that’s been loved. 

A surge of emotion hikes in my chest, something that I don’t want to deal with, at least not yet. I pull on an old and battered pair of hightops and hike down the fire escape one last time. One last stop at the bodega down the block for flowers and a bag of sweet plantain chips, lightly salted. One last time to shove my metro card into the reader. 

Waiting for the train, I look up and see the sticker Miles stuck on the ceiling rail. I don't think Jefferson had the heart to take them down after he passed. Memories of a boy was loved beyond belief. Tugging the hood of my sweater over my head, I enter the train and grasp the cool metal. Something to ground me at this moment that feels surreal. Something to hold on to, an island in a hurricane.  

Stepping off the train, a shiver runs down my spine. The air hangs thick, despite the cool summer weather and a feeling of sorrow creeps up my throat again. Pushing it down, I walk. Walk past the small costume shop and endless coffee chains and then I stop. The church hangs ominously over me like it’s betting on me to turn back. To run from this nightmare, this anger, this pain in my chest. 

Shakily, I step forward, swerving behind the building and into the graveyard. Miles is next to Peter Parker, and I huff at the irony of it all. Clutching the chips and carnations in my hand, I walk to the heavily decorated graves. Emotions tug at my chest and prick my eyes. I finally let it leak from my tear ducts and streak my face. 

“Hi Miles,” I look at his headstone, half expecting him to respond in his slight Brooklyn drawl. I half expect him to reply Hi, Mari clear as day, like he used to. He doesn’t. 

“I leave for school today. It’s far, in Rhode Island.” 

I pause, my face contorting violently before finally letting out a choked sob. 

“You know, your mom keeps telling me that you wouldn’t want to see me like this. That I should let it out. And I feel so angry about it. Not at Rio, of course. Angry because who the hell gave you the idea that you could leave? Leave before Rio got to scream at our graduation. I’m not angry at you Miles, not in the slightest. You tried,” 

My voice breaks.

“So hard. You fought so hard, and I’m so proud of you. I just thought I should stop by before I leave. I brought you bodega flowers, and the chips you like. You don’t have to eat them.” 

I clean his grave up a bit, grabbing dead flowers, deflated balloons, and any sort of unsightly thing off his grave. There are a few unlit prayer candles left, no doubt from Rio’s extensive visits, almost all of them being Saint Micheal. Jabbing my hands into all my pockets desperately, I pull out an almost-dead lighter to light the five remaining candles.  

“May eternal rest be granted onto him,” I light the first candle, “let perpetual light be cast onto him,” the second, “for my faithful and departed soul, Miles” the third, “o lord” the fourth, “let his soul be at rest” the fifth, “and let him know that I love him.” 

I wipe my eyes one final time, kiss my three middle fingers, and gently press them onto the cold and gray granite.  

“Always good to see you, Cielito.” 

I stare at his headstone one last time. 

“I love you, Miles. You don’t have to say it back, mi amor.” 

The only thing pushing me to go back home is the fact that I have a long drive ahead of me. I would stay curled next to his headstone for the rest of my life. It kills me to think that he’s alone down there, probably cold. During his funeral, I remember placing his headphones on his chest before the casket closed. His hands were ice cold, the makeup made a poor attempt at covering the small and delicate freckles that littered his cheeks. The finality of it is forever etched in my mind. 

Somewhere, I hope he’s listening to music. 

I climb back up my fire escape and tumble into my now-empty room. Sitting on the floor, I fold my knees to my chest and stare at the walls. 

and there's nowhere in the world I’d rather be, than here in my room, dreaming about you and me.

fin <3

a/n: i didnt finish the get-down on Netflix, but zekes line where he confesses his love to mylene makes me cry every time, i had a really intense astronomy phase when i was little so i loved writing the galileo line it might show up in future fics idk. leave comments, constructive criticism and pointers!! and send reqs! love you goats 🩷

-rae

[eulcgizeme]

OPEN TO: @blushdrunks MUSE: monroe saint, immortal. clyde to her bonnie. tom holland fc. PLOT: immortaly was gifted for bringing the artifacts needed for the god of time, and in doing so, humanity was changed forever. in order to protect those who assisted from defilement of the gods, they immortal as long as the gods existed. upon the dwindling of faith humanity had in the old saints, the immortality of one has begun to fade away.

Adrenaline seemed to the be the one thing that made Monroe feel alive. He often forgot there was a beating heart in his chest, and what it meant to bleed. With so much opportunity, he didn't strive for perfection but instead tasted every mistake with a satiation that could never be met. Caution was reserved only as a means to avoid the curiosity of the creatures they had abandoned, and how their desperation to understand would have made them relics that could never leave. At some point, the saints of mortals were bound to shelves and boxes instead of the freedom to roam in order to look over them. They could never become that. And they wouldn't, never again— it was evident in the way the crimson swelled over her skin. It stained every motion and marked a path throughout the motel room. Monroe thought it was just the severity of their mistake this time around, but it would heal as it always did. Sirens ran past them from the highway across the street, painting the room momentarily red. Was it a hint of what was to come? "It's not healing," Monroe said, voice caught in his throat. He cradled her gently and he could feel a difference in her company. "No matter what I do to it, it's not healing. Are you okay?"

[ge]

🎭— omg those vendors drawing cm as an old peaceful man with a beard... .... thats so funny to me for whatever reason

that suddenly remidns me of this one fic on cm finding paintings tang bo made of him and cm in the past... idk its sticks to memory cause like... painter tang bo.... muse cheong myeong omgee.... tb not even needing cm around to paint him because. he knows his features by heart but he still has him pose for him and cm just complains but sits there anyways....

also love the trope i see in their fics where cm finds a painting of tang bo and things that... theres just something not right... its tang bo except its not exactly him. the features he distinctly remembers of tb arent the same as on the painting... i love it sm

eueue i think i know wat fic ur talking about.. tang bo being able to paint chung myung even when hes not there because he remembers his face so clearly vs chung myung slowly forgetting what tang bo looked like after his death and has no physical portraits or mementos of him that are accurate to how he truly looked FIGHT!!!!!

there are a few fics that touch on chung myungs speaking out on portraits of tang bo that look wrong and i EAT THEM UP EVERY TIMMMEE THEYRE SO GOOD.. to everyone else he looks delusional spouting off nonsense about how some hundred year old dead guy didnt have that sharp of a nose or hair that dark, but to chung myung, he is the only person alive who would have been able to give an accurate and careful description of the dark saint..

i like to hc that chung myung cant paint at all besides still life and that tang bo was the more artistically inclined of the two so even if chung myung wanted to fix the errors of the portrait hed be unable to, and no matter how hard hed try, hed also find it impossible to even begin describing tang bo how he exists in his memories.. failing memory aside, even if chung myung could remember the minute details of tang bos face, the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, the bronze hue of his hair when the sun hit it just right, he wouldnt be able to put it into worlds.. just like the beauty of the sunsets on mount hua, tang bo was indescribable..