#mucus flying everywhere

[enarien]

i just had my gastroscopy and let me tell u... i wouldn't survive a person trying to shove their dick in my mouth

[ourfatherwhoartinhell]

Ghostober - Day 12 [River]

"My toaster was definitely talking to me this morning" - 1k

CW: River gets injured - burns (no blood or graphic description)

⊹ Ghostober Masterlist ⊹

River had been a chronic patient in the infirmary under Omega’s care. Always doing something that ended him back laying in a bed in the medical wing. Between him and his brother Lake, River was somehow always the one ending up on the wrong side of a prank, or pulling the short end of the stick.

This week had been no different.

It had started out harmless enough. Hiding all of Terzo’s left socks, switching out Alpha’s shampoo with lube, turning a whole row of books to have the spines facing inward in the library - top to bottom I might add, it took two and a half hours for the Sisters to turn everything back the right way.

Yet that was all elementary. The terror twins were simply not satisfied.

They had upped the stakes as the week went on. Putting laxatives in the Tuesday chilli, they hid a smoke generator in Secondo’s office, activating it when he was alone and causing everyone to think there's a fire. The whole Abbey had to evacuate while the two ghouls snickered wickedly in the corner. They had simultaneously replaced Sister’s masterkey with a similar-looking, non-functional one, causing her to be locked out of everywhere she needed to go - including the security office to shut off the fire alarm.

River had put itching powder in Dewdrop's laundry detergent, causing the little fire ghoul to be miserable all day until he finally snapped. He had marched all the way to River’s room, leaving a trail of black smoke in his wake as his little legs quickly ate up the distance.

Dew had found River sitting casually on the couch in the den. His carefree expression and body language made the former water ghoul’s skin boil.

“Can’t you prank somebody else, River? I’ve got enough shit going on.” Dew snarled, closing the distance between the two of them.

River couldn’t help but look at the little ghoul with his face scrunched in confusion before remembering what he had done a few days prior. All Dew got in reply was a little snicker.

“It’s not funny! I feel like my skin is crawling!” He had ripped his shirt off and River could see that he might have put a little too much. Dew was covered in red scratches all over, clearly trying to use his claws as carefully as he could to relieve some of the itch.

River felt a little bad, but Dew had done pranks of this calibre to him before he was a fire ghoul.

“Okay, maybe I put a little too much? But it’s kind of funny.” River chuckled, which only angered Dew more as he moved to stand right in front of the larger water ghoul.

“No. More.” Dew hissed through gritted teeth, his fingers working tirelessly to relieve the discomfort all over his arms and chest.

River stood, towering over Dew as he took in the sight of his red, raw skin.

“I’m sorry, no more…. Maybe just the harmless ones?” River smirked.

That was the final straw. Between the insatiable itching, the lack of sleep that night due to the itching, and now River’s incessant taunting. He was about to explode.

And he did.

Dewdrop’s fire element was unstable on a good day, but today it was well fed on his sleep deprived brain and untapped rage as the little ghoul had burst into flames, sending River flying back over the couch.

And that’s how he ended up in the infirmary this week.

He had bandages covering his many burns and blisters as he laid back in the bed Omega had almost permanently labelled with his name.

“You’re lucky water ghouls have a protective mucus in your skin to protect you from this kind of stuff. Otherwise this would’ve been a lot worse.” Omega had said, along with something about consequences of actions? He couldn’t remember. Or more accurately, he didn’t want to hear it.

Lake had come in to see his brother every day. Letting him in on all the gossip and things. Those two were absolutely insufferable around the Abbey, and Secondo had threatened to send them back to the Pit on numerous occasions. Yet somehow they were still here.

“Hey Riv? Can I tell you something scary?” Lake’s voice was low with a sinister tone.

“Oh I’m all ears– ah. All ear.” River joked, patting his one ear that was bandaged against his head.

“Okay, you know how we’ve been debating whether the den is haunted?” River nodded, leaning in to listen more intently. “Well, I was laying in my nest last night and I heard voices.”

River’s eyes went wide. “Really? What did they say?”

“I don’t know but the TV turned off without me touching it. There were knocks coming from your room. You haven’t heard anything like that have you?” Lake asked as he tried not to burst out laughing as he saw River shake in fear. He really shouldn’t be taking advantage of his brother while he was high as a kite on pain meds, but it was just too easy.

River pulled the covers up to his face and hid behind them. “You don’t think they’re following me, are you?”

Lake tilted his head, genuinely confused. “What do you mean?”

“If you were hearing voices…. Then my toaster was definitely talking to me this morning.”

Lake couldn’t help it, he burst out with laughter before being grabbed by the scruff of his neck and forcibly removed from the infirmary by a rather large, rather annoyed Omega.

“Can’t even let your brother recover without causing a ruckus?” The quint stood with his arms crossed, the scariest look on his face. It was much like the look you’d get from a very disappointed mother as he effectively took up the space within the doorway, blocking Lake’s every attempt to get back inside.

“O-Omeg…ahaha! Please!” Lake wheezed, clutching his side as he got a stitch from laughing so hard. “Come on! His face was priceless!”

With two large hands on the water ghoul’s shoulders, Omega effortlessly turned him around and gave Lake a loving boot in the ass out of his infirmary.

“Scram, you leech!”

A/N: Not proofread, sorry it's so short.

[vinylweb]

”what are you…seeing?”

-@ice-cold-parental-figure

tw (graphic?) description of suicide, (graphic?) depiction of organ consumption

Have you ever wanted to..

crawl somewhere?

Like, just...

…crawl into a hole, and let the Earth slowly reclaim the wasted resources from you?

…crawl into a crevice beneath the cities and wait for the collapse of society so you can be crushed?

How does it feel to be left alone to the shake of your body, it expending precious energy to rattle your skeleton from head to toe, the overstimulating pressure building up around and inside of you. The pressure making it feel like your skin would press thin and expose your nerves to less dampened stimuli, making you feel every atom crumble under the weight of everything?

How does it feel for your eyes to strain under the glaring light that's everywhere around you, the hissing of the world around you as it sings for your demise and for your blood to spill along the cracks and curves of the Earth - as if to cradle and apologize to the planet for being such a waste of space?

That's how it feels. The overwhelming urge to claw your chest open and crack every rib, tear them out and poke your claws into your heart and lungs. The overwhelming urge to poke holes in your throat and choke on your own blood to repent, because God could never and should never forgive you for anything until the blood on your hands is either cleansed by the waters of heaven or by your own.

Vinyl's hands fly to his throat, coughing up phlem and bits of saliva. Ejecting the mucus from his body, he was effectively drying out his mouth and throat. Every gasp of breath feeling like the air was trying to tear his throat out, and for a few seconds, You wish you would tear it out yourself to spare your own body the pain.

Watery eyes look up to Blizzard, the blur of shaky white agonizingly soft compared to the harsh and blinding everything else. Which, surprised Vinyl a little, he tenses and shrinks back, letting out a noise akin to the growl of a wounded animal. The boy only relaxes as he hears the voice of his friend. "Bl-blu-Blizzard, I-" he choked out, gaze snapping towards a blur of red behind your friend.

A hand leaves his neck, and he straightens his back. Vinyl falls silent, watching the large red behind Blizzard grow closer. Brows furrowing, he rasps another short breath before reaching into his jacket.

He pulls out a gun.

why does he have a gun?

It's aimed behind Blizzard, but to any onlooker, he may as well be aiming right at the other spider.

Vinyl doesn't speak, the crushing pressure building up again as he tries to focus. Despite the painful burn at every breath, despite the raging migraine that makes him dizzier every passing minute.

Vinyl doesn't move, locking onto the figure.

" 'e's behind..y-you-" he coughs out, finally. His hand shakes with..

anxiety? fear? hesitance?

He doesn't want to shoot him. He doesn't want to- but god, he needs to. After witnessing what happened in that building. Fifty-seventh street, 94831 suite 44.

suite 44.

There were 44 people there.

And all of them were dead.

You weren't fast enough, weren't smart enough. The riddle took forever to decode and when you finally get there, your heart was as still as theirs. Canary's talons digging into his feast, the piles of corpses surrounding him as squelching echoed in the desolate store. Blood painted the walls and all you could see was red, red, red red red red. Canary looked to you, he felt your breath stop and how your eyes widened. There was an intestine hanging out of his mouth, pulled from a young woman, maybe in her early 20s.

He laughed at you for your incompetence. The way you froze up like an insect in a web at the sight. The guts and spilled hearts that lingered. He showed you a heart. It was small. It looked miniscule in his hand. But it was still small. His breath smelled like rotting flesh and he laughed at your fear before almost biting your arm off.

You should've let him.

[eye-lantern]

A few years ago my sinus imploded. I was on a plane and the irritation of the dry AC created a small mucus blocage restricting air passage. Air passage that was needed for recompression when the plane started landing. So the air shrunk and tore a lot of the lining of the sinus by making this small vacuum.

I landed silently crying, barely aware of the tear but thinking my head was going to bust open. It became a bit more tolerable over the hour drive home, but still way too painful to go to sleep. Fast forward four hours of looking at the ceiling hoping it would stop, and I heard a loud POP. Blood everywhere, the clot had given up and my sinus was spraying a jet of compressed blood across the bed.

The pressure went down by a considerable margin, and so did the pain. It bled for 10 good minutes before slowing down to a trickle. I could finally sleep.

The next day, hopital. Just to check if everything was healing right and nothing got fucked up too bad. After hours of waiting, I get a scan. The tech come out with the print, and just says "can't see anything, too much blood". Not exactly what I wanted to hear. Especially since the pain was coming back up in waves.

I get sent to another machine for another scan: "I'm sorry I'm going to send you back to the waiting room, the scan is not detecting the lining right, there's too much blood". My head is back to splitting open.

The doctor sends me to an out of hospital face and throat specialist, who jams a small camera on a flexible tube up my nose and into the sinus (PAINFUL BUT OH GOD THE TICKLING SENSATION WAS WAY WORSE), gets it out, starts writing something. I ask him what happened exactly in there. He just says. Can't tell you. Too. Much. Blood.

The only thing that saved his life was that right after those words he gave me a small cotton ball sprayed with blue liquid to jam up my nose that opened up my sinus all the way, and removed 80% of the pain I was feeling up till then.

A few days later, I come back to see him. Just to be certain that there was no infection. No more blood in there. All is well, and I am now forbidden from flying if I don't spray cortisone in my nose before takeoff and landing.

Doctor: What do you see in this X-ray?

Students: *collective gasp*

Doctor: Please don’t do that in front of patients.

[bloominglifedyinglife]

TOH AU Hunter Redferne facts

So, I wanted to share more about my main character, Hunter Redferne. I’ve only talked about Caleb, Philip and Eda up to this point.

I mentioned how he was raised in an orphanage, this orphanage being located in Essex Connecticut. But Hunter wasn’t exactly happy about it. The reasons for this was because the orphanage was run by magic folk who normally only took in children who were from magical families, to ensure that they got taken in by magical families who would know how to take care of them. The only reason they took in Hunter, was because they could feel very faint traces of magic in his soul. But they didn’t think he would ever be able to cast magic like them or the other children.

Being raised like this meant that he was surrounded by children who could do things that he couldn’t. And the other kids would make fun of him for being a magic-less witch. They would say that magic herself looked upon him and abandoned him which is why he couldn’t do magic. However Hunter, wanting to be accepted and fit in with the other kids, still attended the lessons for the children on magic. The most he could work on was the theory, but the adults still tried their best to keep Hunter occupied. Most of the adults would try to get Hunter to give up on the lessons, but as long as he was willing to try, they didn’t push for him to leave.

Here are some pictures

First one you’ve already seen.

Now for the original sketch I have of Hunter.

Ignore the name Palsgrave. I originally had that as his last name, and I can’t find where I first got it, but I changed it because I didn’t like how close it sounded to palisman. Plus the meaning for the name was essentially a lord, and I already had two characters whose alternate names meant lord or lady in some form or fashion. I didn’t need another one.

Also, ignore the bit I have blackened out on the picture, you don’t need to know that yet.

So, most AUs I’ve seen still have someway to let Hunter have Flapjack as a companion. And while I LOVE this, I feel like it would be rather repetitive of me to keep to that pattern.

SOOOOOOO, I have decided to give Hunter a DIFFERENT bird companion!

I have taken advantage of the fact that I made Hunter have human magic and used it to give him a magical familiar. Most witches of different magics usually have a familiar. Be it a toad, crow or raven, or even cats, usually the black ones. But I am of the belief that any animal can be a magical familiar, it’s just rare to get unique ones.

So here’s how Hunter got his!!

During a lesson when Hunter was 7, the children would try and see if they had a magical familiar. The whole day was full of surprises as animals walked through the doors or through the windows. Most of the other kids either got rather mundane familiars like cats or ravens. One or two of them got a toad, but pretty much every other child got a familiar, except for Hunter. The kids took this as another opportunity to pick on Hunter, only this time they started using their familiars as well. The cats would scratch him or his things, the birds would dive bomb him and peck at his head and try to pull out his hair, and the toads would hop over this papers and leave their mucus everywhere. The adults would stop it most of the time when they saw it happen, but the kids just learned to do it when the adults were all busy.

A week after the initial lesson was held, the kids were picking on Hunter again, and this time one of the ravens had snatched Hunter crystal necklace and was flying above him just out of reach. Hunter kept asking them to give it back while crying, not wanting to resort to violence, but the kid would just tell their raven to keep flying. Hunter tried jumping up to grab the necklace when the raven flew too low, but the raven just dived at him and gave him the scratch he now bares on his right cheek. Suddenly a large bird dive bombed from the sky and grabbed the raven familiar and started flying around, roughly shaking the raven in their talons. The screams of the children brought the adults outside just in time to see the large bird land on the ground, the raven held under their talon. The adults kept the children back as they waited to see if the bird was going to do any harm.

But the bird just plucked the crystal necklace out of the raven’s beak and hopped over to Hunter to give it to the boy, his tears having stopped. The raven, upon being released from the larger bird’s grasp, immediately flew into their witch’s arms, trembling. The adults were shocked to see the creature before them.

It was a bearded vulture, female given its’ large size.

And this bird was currently sitting on Hunter’s tiny shoulders grooming the child’s hair. The boy seemed unaffected by the large birds weight, which was odd given the bird was just about as big as the seven-year-old. Which given the fact that she was a magical familiar meant that she was slightly bigger than a regular bearded vulture.

The adult who had given the lesson on familiar then realized that the bird was Hunter’s familiar. The reason it had taken so long for the bird to get there was the fact that she had spent the last week flying straight from Europe, where her species originates from, all the way to Connecticut in the USA. The realization that Hunter having a familiar meant that he had enough magic to perform spells.

Hunter named her Soteria, after the Greek Goddess who represented Safety and Salvation, Deliverance, and Preservation from Harm. Because her first act upon meeting Hunter was to protect him from harm.

But even when the adults tried to seriously teach Hunter different spells, none of them worked properly. His magic core, the magical part of his soul, couldn’t properly process the magic the way the adults taught him to. The kids would then call him a ‘broken witch’. Of course that didn’t last long as Soteria’s presence kept most of the kids away from him. The other familiars outright refused to get anywhere near her OR Hunter, so their witches were on their own.

But Soteria understood more then what others gave her credit for. Familiars are genuinely smarter than their non magical animal counterparts. They can also be understood by their chosen witch or very powerful witches. Soteria took advantage of this and taught Hunter a method of channeling his magic in a way he could use. Because the foundations of Hunter’s magic core were different than other witches, he couldn’t use the normal methods of using magic. But with this new method, he was now on par with the other kids in the orphanage.

Hunter was a ‘broken witch’ no more.

I will admit now, I took a LOT of reference for the bearded vulture from clip art pictures on google. I wanted to get a feel for both how big I wanted her to be in regards to Hunter’s size, as well as how I wanted to draw her. Whether I wanted to draw her with a smooth outline or if I wanted to go with a detailed design, like drawing more feather details and such.

I think I am going to go with a smooth look when she’s calm, and draw more feathered details for when she gets agitated. But eh, we'll see how it goes. I hope to be able to get better at drawing Soteria so I won’t need to draw using direct references from clip art pictures.

I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE HER!

[piplupfluffwritingstuff2]

Hi how are you? I have a request and it ok if you can’t do it. But I loved your snape dad x reader imagine. I’m thinking about one where the reader somehow gets put in a magical induced coma, and snape freaks out of course and takes care of her like a overprotective dad. Like While he is teaching a class reader begins to dream that she’s Alice in wonderland and screams things out loud, then snape has to risk his reputation as mean to calm her down. It’s ok if you can’t do this. Thank you

Hi greekorthodox19! I’m doing pretty good, and I’m happy to do requests! I’ll give it a shot!

Y/N ran down the Hogwarts staircase to the Potions classroom. She didn’t want to be late, but considering the fact that she running all the way from the Great Hall down a staircase that liked to change, she might have to come to terms with the idea. She was so pre-occupied with getting to her destination as fast as possible that she didn’t even see Draco Malfoy up ahead until it was too late. Crash! Books and bags went flying everywhere as Y/N collided with her fellow Slytherin.

“Why don’t you watch where you’re- oh! It’s you, Y/N.” Malfoy said.

“Yes, it’s me, sorry about that.” Y/N started picking up her books off the floor.

“Where are you off to in such a rush?” Draco also started picking up his own books.

“Potions, it starts in less than five minutes.” Y/N stood up, having recovered most of her books.

“And, pray, what might,” Malfoy picked up a book Y/N had forgotten, “Alice in Wonderland have to do with that? Isn’t this a muggle story?”

Y/N quickly grabbed the Lewis Carroll story from Malfoy.

“Yes, well, a friend in Hufflepuff lent it to me, I need it for Muggle Studies,” Y/N lied.

Truthfully, although Y/N wouldn’t admit it to someone like Malfoy, muggle stories had always amused her, even as a young child. She had grown up on the classic wizarding stories, yes, but muggle writing seemed to have such a unique magic of its own that couldn’t be matched anywhere else.

“Right, well, I’ll be seeing you in class then,” Y/N said quickly as she sped off.

…

Y/N ran into the classroom and hurried into a seat just in time for class to start. Her father, Professor Snape, was currently writing instructions on the board. It looked like they were going to be studying sleeping potions that day.

Soon enough, the class began working on making their own draughts of mild sleeping potions. It was two students to a cauldron. Y/n looked to her left; it looked like she was going to be partnered with Millicent Bulstrode. Millicent was nice enough, but she was a bit heavy-handed, especially when it came to measuring ingredients.

“Millie, remember,” Y/N said, “it only calls for two blobs of flobberworm mucus, so-”

“Don’t worry, Y/N,” Millicent interjected, “I know what I’m doing, and- whoops!”

Millicent had poured in much more than two blobs of flobberworm mucus into the cauldron; it looked more like six blobs.

“Well…” Y/N stared down into the cauldron, “we’ll just have to triple everything else. That should even things out.”

Y/N set about calculating the adjusted measurements for a triple batch of the sleeping potion. Halfway through adding the ingredients, though, Y/N was starting to feel drowsy. Y/N shook her head rapidly and quickly finished adding the ingredients. She then put the lid on the cauldron.

“I think it’s coming out as it should,” Y/N yawned, “but don’t inhale the fumes.”

“Can I take a look?” Millicent asked.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Y/N replied, “I don’t want to take the lid off until it’s time for inspection.”

“Just one little peek won’t hurt,” Millicent said, grabbing the lid.

“Millie, don’t!”

But it was too late. Millicent had opened the lid of the cauldron, causing Y/N to inhale a cloud of concentrated fumes. Y/N’s head started spinning.

“Millie…” Y/N slurred.

“What is it, what’s wrong?”

Y/N couldn’t hear her; the last thing Y/N felt was her hitting a hard surface before the world went dark.

…

Y/N was falling down a dark hole. When she hit the bottom, there was a small, white creature waiting for her. Y/N squinted at the creature; it turned out to be a rabbit in a waistcoat. The white rabbit was holding a rather large pocket watch. It tapped the watch with its paw.

“Come along now,” the White Rabbit said, “you’re terribly late!”

The White Rabbit hopped a few yards then looked back, waiting for Y/N to follow it.

“Curious,” Y/N said, standing up.

…

Snape looked over at his daughter’s workstation. All through the class period, he had been secretly keeping an eye on her to make sure things were going well, and by the looks of it, things were not going well. Y/N was on the floor of the classroom, her breathing deep and even. Evidently Miss Bulstrode was over-measuring things again. A simple draught of an awakening potion should fix things.

Snape strode over to where Y/N was laying, and saw a worried Millicent standing over her, trying in vain to wake her up.

“Come on now, no more games, Y/N! Wake up!” She cried.

“Out of the way,” Snape said in a monotone. He had everything under control.

Snape sat Y/N up and poured a small drop of a potion from a vial into her mouth. Any second now, she would wake up. Seconds turned to moments, and moments turned to minutes. The only sign that Y/N was still alive was when she suddenly cried out, “Curiouser and curiouser!” and collapsed back down.

…

Y/N followed the White Rabbit into a large room. There was a glass table in the center of it, with a small bottle that said “drink me” on the label. The White Rabbit gestured to the little bottle.

“Go on then, we haven’t got all day,” he said.

Y/N shrugged, and, not wanting to upset the rabbit, took the bottle and drank from it. All at once, the large room started growing larger, along with everything in it. When everything stopped growing, Y/N was the same height as the rabbit.

“Right, let’s be off. Not a moment to lose, we’re late, we’re late!”

…

Snape performed a simple hovering charm that would allow him to take Y/N to the hospital wing. This was more than a simple sleeping potion, Y/N should have woken up by now. Leaving his class behind, his ascended the stairs and made his way to the other end of the castle.

…

“Mr. Rabbit,” Y/N asked, “what exactly is it that we’re late for?”

“Oh, dear me,” The White Rabbit wrung his paws, “we’re so very late. We need to wake up.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“We need to wake up”

“Mr. Rabbit, I’m getting scared-”

“Wake up!”

…

Y/N woke with a start. She sat up in a bed that wasn’t hers and looked around. This was not her room. This looked like the Hospital Wing. She looked out a nearby window. It was pitch black outside. What was she doing in the Hospital Wing at this time of night?

“Oh, thank Merlin, you’re awake,” A familiar voice said.

Y/N turned her head and saw her father sitting beside her bed.

“Dad? Wha-” Y/N started.

“You’ve been asleep for three days, Y/N. What on earth did you put in your potion?”

“Well, Millicent over-measured the flobberworm mucus so I thought-”

“You’d match the rest of the ingredients to her over-measurement?”

“Well, yes,” Y/N answered sheepishly.

“I thought as much.”

“Dad, if I’ve been out for three days, then how much of your class have I missed?” Y/N asked.

“Ah, yes, that. As it turns out-”

“Your father cancelled all potions classes until you woke up,” Madam Pomfrey said, entering the room.

“What!? Really?” Y/N turned to Snape.

“There was nowhere I needed to be other than right here.”

“Dad, I-”

“Come,” Snape held out his hand for Y/N to take, “I want you back in your dormitory, resting until I’m certain that you’re better.”

“But I feel better now!” Y/N protested, “I’m awake, aren’t I?”

“No matter, I’ll escort you there myself.”

Y/N knew there was no point in arguing. Reluctantly, she took her father’s hand and allowed herself to be led to her dormitory. After all, if she went back to sleep, maybe she would meet the White Rabbit again.

[alchemistc]

Please be aware I am two screening this bitch, I haven't pulled out my second screen since I quit my desk job.

"He's like a one-man Suicide Squad."

When I tell you I've never heard a more accurate description of Evan Buckley IN MY LIFE.

they watch as Vincent Gerrard uses the distraction of B Shift heading home to duck behind one of the engines a grinning demon rounds the corner and makes a bee-line for him

This is what I'm picturing in this moment:

"So, which one of you said 'spreadsheet' three times in a mirror?"

WHY IS RAVI THE FUNNIEST PERSON ALIVE

"He's everywhere, always, just waiting for you to slip up."

Eddie your latent Catholicism is showing

It's the only clipboard that has ever fucked.

Yeah actually YOU are the funniest person who has ever existed I cannot describe the wheeze I wheezed but both of my tiny dogs and my very large boyfriend were legitimately concerned I was going to stop breathing when I read this.

Tommy had pulled it out of a bag and presented it on one knee like he was proposing, or bestowing a sword to a king. The entire brewery was then given front-row seats to an intense game of tonsil hockey that nearly went into overtime until Eddie threatened to call Athena because Bobby looked like he was seriously reconsidering sobriety

The freak4freak agenda is real

T.K. 07:27am: I'm offering 3 nights of free babysitting to the first person who delivers

Not Tommy offering up free babysitting KNOWING that what Clipboard Buck does for him, "Uncle Tommy" does for Buck, OH YOU NASTY THOMAS KINARD

Tommy's typing indicator appears, then disappears. Then appears and disappears again. Then appears—

Me: Oh they're perfect for each other. Chim, .5 seconds later:

"Those two were made in a lab for each other, I swear to god."

And now I'm emotional and also losing my shit with laughter.

"Don't worry, Melanie! This is something to bring up during Thursday's workplace conflict seminar."

Evan Buckley no one is doing it like you.

"[...]Just need you to sign off on everything. Sir."

Yeah Tommy isn't the only one getting something out of this. Hot damn Buckley.

If he sees his shadow on the firehouse wall, it's 6 more hours of bullshit.

STFU I'm so obsessed with your turns of phrase and the complete irreverence of your humor, I want to shove you into a wall and gently forehead kiss you. Consensually.

"Three nights of free babysitting? I'm not proud."

Lies, Hen, you know this is gonna get Buck laid, and then Tommy laid, this is mutually beneficial for ALL THREE OF YOU.

Buck looks up, flashes a grin, and the second he clocks the phone he salutes it with the clipboard.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall the day Buck realizes his completely uncontrollable Control Freak double identity is a turn on for his boyfriend and he realizes he can weaponize it for good AND evil.

"I'm not a probie anymore," Ravi whines. "You can't haze me like this."

Baby boy you signed on to work with the biggest team of gentle bullies this side of the Rockies, you'd better get used to this shit.

"You do this and I'll make sure you're not sitting anywhere near Buck and Tommy when Taylor drops the bomb about Gerrard and Ortiz."

Absolutely fucking obsessed with how every single one of them has come to accept that their two weirdo friends are just so DOWN BAD for each other that they will inevitably horn it up in public for increasingly batshit reasons.

'Oh, Buck's ex who they enlisted in secret and who probably spent a month in Buck's kitchen red-stringing tentative leads while they eye-fucked each other is about to get their hateful boss fired? Yeah they're gonna make out about it shamelessly in the middle of Hen's kitchen.'

(Karen has a spray bottle labelled "Improbable Kink Stopper" literally just for Buck and Tommy)

I swear to fucking god I want to make out with your brain.

I'm also gonna blame you for my cough acting up again but it's possible I laughed so hard I actually dislodged some stubborn mucus so thank you, maybe?

Return of the Mack

For @alchemistc. Hope you feel better soon!

At the fire academy, three things are beaten out of every trainee: fear, a normal sleep schedule, and the social influences that prevent one from intervening in the event of an emergency. Some have jokingly called the third one the Anti-Bystander Effect, because if someone needs assistance—whether it's to stop an assault, run into a burning building, or help a little old lady find a quarter she dropped—a firefighter will immediately rush in to save the day. It's a special brand of classical conditioning that instills an elevated sense of responsibility in every trainee, and it's paid in full by the state of California.

Which is why it's so odd for there to be three capable firefighters standing around doing nothing while there's an old man clearly in need of dire assistance. If the LAFD higher-ups knew they were actively choosing to watch the carnage unfold instead of lifting a finger to help, they'd all be shitcanned. 

Luckily, there's a fourth firefighter on the scene doing the absolute most. 

"I thought we made a pact to keep him from using his powers for evil," Eddie says, taking a dispassionate sip of his coffee. 

"Is it evil if he's actually using them in service of a greater good?" Hen's attention is half on what's going down and half on the Notes app on her phone, where she's typing out the week's grocery list. "You know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend?"

Draped over the railing like his bones have melted, Chimney gives a sage nod. "He's like a one-man Suicide Squad." 

In the apparatus bay, they watch as Vincent Gerrard uses the distraction of B Shift heading home to duck behind one of the engines, most likely to regroup after being thoroughly ambushed the second he stepped into the station five minutes ago. He slumps back and breathes. The moment of weakness costs him: a grinning demon rounds the corner and makes a bee-line for him as though he can taste blood in the air.

"So, which one of you said 'spreadsheet' three times in a mirror?" Ravi sidles up next to Chimney and unwraps a breakfast burrito from Delia's. 

Chimney gives him the stink-eye. "I hope you brought enough for the whole class."

"Nope," Ravi says, taking a cheerful bite.

"None of us summoned him," Eddie says. He leans down to try and catch the conversation being had, but he's too high up. For a second, he thinks he hears the words 'crack whore' but it's probably a trick of the bay's acoustics. "He's everywhere, always, just waiting for you to slip up."

"Like the Devil," Hen says in agreement.

"Or Santa," Chimney adds.

Ravi chews thoughtfully. "I thought we threw out all the clipboards. Who gave him that one?"

"Tommy," Eddie, Hen, and Chimney say through a simultaneous, long-suffering sigh. 

It's not just any clipboard. It's the king of clipboards. It's the only clipboard that has ever fucked. The thing is a navy blue polycarbonate beast with "Buckley 118" embossed in fire engine red on the back, and the clip looks like it was forged in the fires of Staples HQ. 

At the bi-weekly Beer and Bitch Night last Friday at Golden Road Pub, Tommy had pulled it out of a bag and presented it on one knee like he was proposing, or bestowing a sword to a king. The entire brewery was then given front-row seats to an intense game of tonsil hockey that nearly went into overtime until Eddie threatened to call Athena because Bobby looked like he was seriously reconsidering sobriety.

"Does he know what he's unleashed?" Ravi sounds genuinely curious. 

As if on cue, Chimney's, Eddie's, and Hen's phones chime with three incoming messages. 

T.K. 07:26am: Has it started? T.K. 07:26am: Remember: you promised one of you would film it T.K. 07:27am: I'm offering 3 nights of free babysitting to the first person who delivers

That last one is followed by a gif of J. Jonah Jameson shouting "Bring me Spiderman!"

Hen frowns down at her phone. "Who the hell is that?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Chimney mutters.

H.W. 07:28am: Why are you so desperate for video?  E.D. 07:28am: What 40-something year old still uses pinky swears? H.H. 07:28am: Clipboard Buck better not be a weird sex thing for you, Kinard

Tommy's typing indicator appears, then disappears. Then appears and disappears again. Then appears—

"Yeah, no." Chimney hastily pockets his phone. "Those two were made in a lab for each other, I swear to god."

Down in the bay, Gerrard has moved to stand almost directly underneath them. While they can't hear what Gerrard says to Melanie Wu, an electrician so talented she could probably take down the entire grid with her eyes closed, that puts such a dour expression on her face, they can hear it when Buck, popping up behind Gerrard like an insane Jack-in-the-box, and says, "Don't worry, Melanie! This is something to bring up during Thursday's workplace conflict seminar."

"What seminar?!"

Buck isn't cowed. He taps his clipboard and says, "The one I scheduled with Chief Alonso. You know, the mandatory one we all need to do in order to keep our certification—well, we'll keep it as long as nothing comes up during the seminar that might call into question our ability to do the job."

There's a charged moment where it almost looks like Gerrard might take a swing at Buck, but then he notices the audience hanging above him like a Greek chorus and shouts, "Someone'd better top off the fuel and DEF or—"

"Already done, Cap." Buck makes a show of turning to the second page on his clipboard and lists off, "All fuel, DEF, oil, and coolant are set. Tires have been aired up. Hoses have been drained and cleaned, and re-rolled. Engines were all waxed yesterday, all medical supplies have been inventoried and stocked, and I've made a list of the harnesses and cutting torches that need replacing. Just need you to sign off on everything. Sir."

The ingratiating smile on Buck's face would fool even the wiliest of senior officers, and Gerrard himself looks like even he's not sure if what just happened was disrespectful, but they know better. 

"Diabolical," Ravi whispers, awed. 

Hissing through his teeth, Gerrard spins on his heel and storms away in the direction of the little office in the administrative section of the firehouse where he's taken to holing up like a miserable groundhog until they get a call that forces him back out. If he sees his shadow on the firehouse wall, it's 6 more hours of bullshit.

As soon as he's gone, all the firefighters that had stopped to watch the show burst into laughter and applause, and Buck cracks up, taking sweeping bows and blowing kisses to his adoring fans. 

Chimney rolls his eyes and looks to see what Hen's expression is doing, because no one gives good face like she does, but she's holding her phone in a way that clearly means—

"You're filming this?" Chimney demands, betrayed.

She gives an unrepentant shrug. "Three nights of free babysitting? I'm not proud."

Buck looks up, flashes a grin, and the second he clocks the phone he salutes it with the clipboard. Then he struts after Gerrard, calling almost lazily, "Cap, wait up! I wanted to talk about setting up a mock exam for everyone who's planning on taking the TCFP D/O!"

They all watch him go. Silently, Hen sends off the video with the air of someone about to make a drug drop. 

"So, when does Taylor Kelly's exposé come out again?" Eddie makes a dubious face in the direction of the administrative offices. "Because I don't know that Gerrard won't off himself before it does."

"We win either way," Chimney points out. 

"It comes out next Monday," Hen says, slipping her phone into her pocket and elbowing Chimney in the arm on her way to the stairs. "Karen and I are hosting a watch party that night and you're all invited."

Ravi beams. "Thanks, Hen. I'll definitely be there."

"And you'll be bringing dinner from Taco Azteca—for everybody. Make sure you get enough carne," Chimney calls over his shoulder as he follows Hen. 

"I'm not a probie anymore," Ravi whines. "You can't haze me like this."

Snickering, Eddie pats him on the shoulder and says, "You do this and I'll make sure you're not sitting anywhere near Buck and Tommy when Taylor drops the bomb about Gerrard and Ortiz."

"Extra al pastor and buche it is!"

[snakeboistan]

Just Out Of Reach

My exams are finally over so have some touch-starved!Nagisa 

Pairing: Nagisa x 3-E

AO3 LINK

Shiota Nagisa was a loner. He always had been for as long as he could remember.

When he was in elementary school, he was the weird kid - the strange girl-boy that hardly talked and no one could understand. His male classmates thought that he was too girly to take part in their games or join their conversations and whilst his female classmates didn’t mind his appearance that much, they knew better than to associate with him lest they too fall victim to the taunts and sneers that followed him everywhere, or the relentless bullying that inconvenienced him every breaktime. However, he didn’t mind - friends were a luxury he couldn’t afford anyway (his mother didn’t approve of him spending time out of the apartment, away from her). He would have his own fun by sitting himself down in his school’s library and bury his head in a book, getting lost in worlds that weren’t mean, or cold, or judgemental. Or he’d sit on a bench in the school playground, homemade lunch in hand, and observe his peers hug and high five and laugh together, whilst ignoring the strange pang of something that would curl in his stomach, wanting more than ever for something he could never have.

 Even during his first year of Junior High, when he met the red haired genius of a delinquent called Karma, he didn’t let himself indulge in what normal friends would do. Sure, he felt comfortable around the first friend he’d ever had (though the unnatural comfort was often overshadowed by the awe and admiration that he was allowed in the company of someone as brilliant as Akabane Karma) but Karma had his own walls, his own issues and lack of trust, so there was always that unspoken distance between them, that slight tenseness that lingered between every (very) rare arm that was slung over his shoulder. Though they walked side by side, it was never hand in hand. Though they spent every free minute together there were never any fist bumps or high fives or hugs (Nagisa wondered if Karma even knew what hugs were). Karma kept to himself and so did he - they both had boundaries that the other respected.

 Until, Karma left. And he was alone again. 

 And as much as he said that he didn’t mind it - as much as he told himself that he was used to it ever since he woke up that one day and his father was nowhere to be found, the shouts and screams of his parents having their nth argument ringing in his ears even though his house was pitch quiet for once - it hurt. So when he was sent to E-Class with his head hung low and the voices of his former classes whispering their disgust trailing after him, he looked at the grenade in his hand and knew that he had nothing left to lose.

  (So why did Koro-Sensei save him? And why did it feel so good? )

  (And why did that mucus-like membrane shrouding him make his chest heat up with a feeling he’s never felt before?)

  It was during their lunch break when it happened.

 Nagisa was sitting by cross-legged at the base of a tree, reading an article about an upcoming superhero flick, whilst a group of his classmates were throwing, hitting and bouncing a ball in a game that Yada had called ‘don’t let the ball touch the ground’ but Kimura dubbed ‘the floor is lava for the ball and not us’ (he’ll let the jury decide which title was better) when he heard some rustling above him followed by groans.

 “Okajima,” Maehara whined, “you hit it too high.”

 “I’m sorry okay,” Okajima said, “I didn’t mean to get it stuck in some branch.”

 “Don’t worry,” Yada smiled at him, “I’m sure that we can get it down if we stand on each others shoulders or something.”

 “I don’t know,” Kataoka frowned. She looked up, making sure to cover her eyes from the sun, at the cursed branch, “it’s pretty high up. It’s safer for us to go and get a ladder.”

 “No need,” Nagisa said. Unbeknownst to them, the moment Nagisa had gotten whiff of what had happened, he jumped up and, as silent as a serpent, leaped nimbly from branch to branch until he reached the one with the ball. He carefully plucked it from where it was nestled in a groove before making his way back down again, all just before Kataoka spoke. He threw it into her hands.

 “What the- how the hell did you even do that?” Maehara’s jaw was dropped, frantically looking between the ball and the branch it was (he swore) a second ago.

 “How did no one even see him?” Okajima whispered.

 “Thank you, Nagisa,” Kurahashi beamed with the intensity of a thousand suns and threw her arms around him in one of her famous bear hugs, laughing in that usual bubbly way she always does. Nagisa freezes mid-flinch, almost petrified at the sudden contact. An unfamiliar warmth starts to spread across his chest. It was nice and almost comforting, drowning him with bright yellows and gentle goldens - making him feel like he was special. It took everything in him to not melt into it, a keening noise stuck at the base of his throat.

 When his mother touches him, he feels the sharp talons of her nails digging into his skin. When she pecks his cheek or forehead, he has to stop himself from wincing at the way cyanide seems to burn him where her lips leave. In all honesty, he’d rather the sharp slaps and objects flying at him, at least those forms of pain where only physical and didn’t leave a confusing sense of dichotomy where his emotions that craved for the positive contact to linger battled where his fight-or-flight survival instincts screamed at him to scrub every single atom of her off of him. Touch was something he could neither afford nor understand. 

 If he wanted warmth, he’d wrap himself up in scarves and throw on soft jumpers; if he wanted to feel safe, he’d make sure to do everything he can to not trigger his mother into another eruption; if he wanted contact then he’d find his old plushies buried deep in the confines of his closet and embrace them in hopes that it would be enough. For him, the closest he’s ever gotten to feeling that void in his chest was when words of affirmation would wash over him (it’s no secret to anyone that compliments can render him unable to function)(but can you blame him when compliments to him are as rare as painite?).

 When Kurahashi let go of him to go regale Yada with stories from a nature documentary she watched the night prior, he’s still stock still, dumbstruck, from that momentary embrace. He wanted her to come back so that he could feel it again. He wanted to feel her arms around his body like a safe little cocoon. He wanted to submit to that sunshine-like comfort and never get out of it. He craved that warmth so much it hurt him - why did it hurt so much?

 It made him feel so wanted . And lov-

 Is this why people hold hands all the time? 

 Later that night, he crushed one of his stuffed animals against his chest as he wrapped his arms around his body. He wondered why his pillowcase had wet stains on it when he woke up the next day.

 (He ignored the answer that gnawed him at the back of his mind)

  The second time he felt it was during a ‘completely necessary class bonding sleepover extravaganza’ (as Fuwa had put it) at the Nakamura household. With the blonde’s parents out of the country to visit her older brother, she had her entire house to herself - a house that was miraculously large enough to house twenty-seven teenage assassins in training (as well the phones that contained ‘Mobile Ritsu’).

“I still don’t understand why we can’t watch anime,” Fuwa pouted from her position on the kitchen island, her One-Piece-themed-socks-clad feet kicking up and down as she took another spoonful from the bowl of snickerdoodle cookie dough she had nicked from Hara and swallowed it, “it’s practically a staple for every good sleepover.”

 “Because, Fuwa,” Nakamura drawled in reply, her own hands busy pouring popcorn into bowls, “none of us want to see you go full otaku during our relaxing evening.”

 “It’s nothing against you Fuwa,” Nagisa had cut in quickly, having had made eye-contact with Isogai and Hara as the three of them were washing and drying the baking equipment they were using (“‘You know we have a dishwasher right?” Nakamura had called in amusement) and their combined parental instincts had deemed it necessary to extinguish anything that could potentially start something (and knowing this class, mountains can be made out of molehills as quickly as Koro-Sensei can fly from continent to continent), “it’s just that we think it might be a good idea to have more variety tonight. Next time we have a class movie night, you can choose anything you want.”

 “I’m holding you to that, Shiota,” Fuwa pointed her spoon at him with narrowed eyes before sliding herself off the table and sauntering off towards the living room.

 “She’s not going to get sick, eating all of that raw cookie dough, is she?” Nakamura asked, staring at the doorway.

 Hara smiled at her, “don’t worry, we made the dough edible.” She gave Nagisa a head pat with a slightly soapy hand, “you can finish with that bowl you’re drying and help me bring these trays to the living room, ‘kay Nagisa?”

 Nagisa nodded bashfully, trying to hide the redness that blossomed over his cheeks in reaction to Hara’s hand making contact with his scalp.

  "What do you mean 'we should watch a horror movie'?" Isogai asked his friend.

 "Exactly that class prez," Maehara grinned at the brunette, "you can't have a sleepover without a few screams."

 "Nor can you have one without anime but here we are," Fuwa grumbled to herself.

 "But what if people get scared?" Isogai asked, as always being the Ikeman he is and thinking about others. Bless him.

 "That's the point," Nakamura chirped, "it's the perfect bonding exercise. Nothing can bring together a group of rag-tag misfits like fear."

 "But-"

 "Don't worry," Nakamura said, "we have Karma and Hazama with us. I can assure that whatever we see on the television will be nowhere nearly as scary as them."

 "True that," the class sighed as the two students in question gave eerie, self-satisfied smirks.

 "Not to mention that we're all assassins in training," Okano said, "no evil spirit or crazy murderer would stand a chance against us."

 "And if they do, we can just sacrifice Terasaka to them," Hazama piped up, not even looking up from her book.

 "HEY! WHAT THE HELL?!"

 "Yeah, Hazama," Karma smirked, "as if they would even want him."

 "OI AKABANE, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?!"

 "Hey, Nagisa," Kayano turned to her friend as Karma stuck his tongue out at Terasaka, "what kind of horror movies do you like?"

 “I don’t know,” Nagisa replied, idly tracing the outlines of the cartoon sushi pieces that patterned his pyjama bottoms, “I’ve never watched any horror movies so I wouldn’t know what is good.”

 Maehara grinned at them from under the hood of his Pikachu onesie, “Then have no fear, Nagisa. As a movie connoisseur-”

 “I thought that title was reserved for me?” Mimura raised his hand with an arched eyebrow.

 “-I would be more than happy to educate you, my young padawan-”

 “-I’m pretty sure he’s older than you,” Okano pointed out.

 “On the art of Horror Movie Binge-athons,” Maehara declared, ignoring the interruptions and pointing at the blunette in a very Fuwa-esque way.

 So that was how Nagisa found himself on one of the couches, two scream-fests later, sandwiched between Karma and Sugino, watching the end credits of The Ring. From his perch, he watched in interest at the horror-struck faces of his classmates below.

 “Dude,” Kimura breathed out in fear when the screen turned black, a shaky hand attempting to comfort a very visibly distressed Okajima, who had the athlete in a bone-crushing hug from behind as he hid behind him, “I am never going to answer a phone again.”

 After a full ten seconds of silence, the smartphone that was lying in front of him lit up, and the Sonic theme song ‘Gotta Go Fast’ cut through the air like a knife. Kimura jumped about a foot in the air, screaming, whilst the others around him did the same. Muramatsu and Yoshida, clung tighter onto Hazama, yelling about how they were too young to die whilst Okajima and Okano began praying to the gods.

 “Karma, stop it,” Nagisa sighed without even looking at the redhead next to him. When Karma smirked and ended the call on his phone, thus terminating the ringing, he turned and raised an unamused eyebrow at a snickering Nakamura who was filming the entire scene on her own phone. The blonde winked at him and raised a peace sign.

 “I know what we should watch next,” Yoshida said after a while and took the remote. He began to scroll through the movie suggestions on the screen, “Coraline.”

 “Isn’t ‘Coraline’ a kids’ movie?” Kataoka furrowed her eyebrows as she eyed the cartoonish movie poster on the television.

 Coraline was not a kids’ movie. It was a horrific abomination of nightmare fuel dolled up with pretty colours and a talking cat. At least with the other films they had watched that night, he was able to stand - jump scares don’t really work on someone that’s constantly on edge and no CGI generated creature of the supernatural could terrify him as the very real harpy that he shares a roof with. At most he stiffens up or just trains his eyes onto the kernels of popcorn that get sent flying whenever Okajima gets particularly frightened. He usually just tries to deconstruct the story from a logical standpoint, making sure to point out to himself the plot-holes to enhance the fact that it’s nothing more than fiction (instead of making these comments out loud like Sugaya and end up having a brigade of throw pillows assaulted onto him). However watching The Other Mother, who spoke with a honey-sweet tone but had that distinct aura of ‘threat threat threat’ made him feel more chills than watching the disfigured Samara Morgan crawl out of a television and murder people and whilst the revelation of her true colours weren’t completely unpredictable, it didn’t and the fear and acid crawling up his stomach.

  ‘You may come out... when you've learned to be a loving daughter!’

  ‘How dare you disobey your mother!’

 It was after watching that vile woman drag Coraline into that dark chamber and locking her inside it when he couldn’t take it. His frozen facade and almost petrified posture just broke. He lurched, fumbling for the blanket draped over his legs and pulled it up so that he could cover his head and buried himself under it. With his knees drawn up under the covers, he focused on controlling his breathing and trying to steady his shaking hands and starting-to-blur eyes in an attempt to push away the unpleasant flashbacks hissing around in his head like a viper. Suddenly out of nowhere, he felt a hand gently circle his wrist. He tensed, heart rate speeding up in a panic, before his skin registered the familiar feel of polyester - the material of Sugino’s red sweatbands (wait, does he even wear them to sleep? ). When he had physically relaxed, the- Sugino’s hand slowly and carefully - giving him ample time to pull away - moved his own and away from his legs and then interlocked his fingers between his. The skin on skin contact at the base of his fingers had caused the same warmth he had felt with Kurahashi spreading across his entire arm, stopping at his chest and swirling around like a mixture of comfort and elation, like he had just drank a cup of steaming milk tea. He steadily curled his own fingers downwards, letting the tips press down against the baseball-lover’s knuckles. The only response he got was a tight squeeze in return - not hard enough to sting but still grounding in a sense.

 Okay.

 He was okay, he can do this.

 It was during the climax of the film, when Coraline confronts that button-for-eyes-wearing she-devil, when Nagisa abandoned all inhibitions and pulled on the hand intertwined with his own, simultaneously pulling Sugino down and bringing himself up so that he could wrap his arms around the black-haired boy. His uncharacteristic actions even shocked himself but all of his usual anxiety’s of forcing his problems on others were pushed back by the voice in his head saying ‘safe safe safe get closer closer ’. With his eyes squeezed shut so tight they almost hurt, he felt something wet roll down his cheek and so he tightened the hold he had on his best friend. Sugino reciprocated, one of his own hands gently cupping the back of his head, fingers burying past silken blue hair, so that he could very lightly bring the other’s face closer and tuck it underneath his chin. Now normally, Nagisa would have combusted with embarrassment at being so close to another student, especially in such a public setting like this, but right now he felt like nothing more than some primal urge begging him to soak in as much of that embrace as possible. To be selfish for once and just stay as close as he can even if it means he dies there. To let himself be vulnerable for a change. The movie, those memories they all washed away and he felt nothing but safe….

  The next morning he woke up with his head on someone’s shoulder, a fluffy blanket raised upto his chin. He blinked the haziness out of his eyes to find himself in front of inky locks.

 “You alright there, Nagisa?” Sugino looked at him with a smile. Oh he was already up. That’s new.

 Nagisa’s eyes widened, his face erupting with redness as the events of the previous night replayed in his inner-theatre like those epic fail compilations Karma likes to laugh at. He jumped back to the other end of the couch, as far away from Sugino as possible.

 “Oh god, Sugino, I am so sorry,” Nagisa whispered as loudly as he could without waking up his still snoozing classmates, “what happened last night was so weird and I put you in such an awkward position and I’m super sorry I swear that will never happen again and you must’ve been so embarrassed honestly you should've just pushed me off when I fell asleep I really wouldn’t have minded this was so weird and-”

 “Nagisa, chill,” Sugino moved closer and placed a hand on the rambling boy’s shoulder, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards with slight amusement, “it’s cool. It’s normal for people to get scared during horror movies - it’s kind of the reason why they were made, you know. Besides if you looked really distressed and if I couldn’t do anything to help you then why are we even friends.”

 “Yeah but-”

 “No buts,” Sugino cut in, “you’re always ready to help others so don’t be surprised to find otu that others want to help you.”

 Nagisa sighed. He looked up at the other boy with a slight blush, “well, um, thank you. For that. It was really nice of you.”

 Sugino’s hand squeezed on his shoulder and he felt that familiar thrill shoot down his arm as the taller smiled, “no problem, Nagisa.”

 (“Next time we decide to do a bonding activity,” Fuwa says during breakfast as she’s munching through a honey dripping pancake, “we should all go camping.”

 Collectively the class shuddered, their minds being filled with visions of Fuwa holding up a chainsaw on full speed and running around like a mad woman, of fire enveloping a forest and demolishing a once peaceful campsite and dark grey mushroom clouds puffing out like an ashy eruption, “no thank you.”)

  For some reason he finds himself in these sort of situations more and more. Like when he feels himself clinging closer to Okano when she bridal carries him up the mountain after he had injured his leg during a training exercise (which is interesting because normally being in such an unmasculine position would make his insecurities flare up like crazy); or when his arms tighten around Karma so much that it feels like their bodies are going to fuse together when the red head piggy-back carries him during a race; or when he just sighs in contentment when Maehara slings him over his shoulder instead of flailing around like he usually would when the brown-eyed boy declared that he was studying too hard and ‘offered’ to take him karaoke singing with everyone else.

 In the back of his mind, he feels like the amount of affectionate touches he receives have almost quadrupled in size -  there hasn’t been a day where he hasn’t gotten either a head pat, friendly noogie or side hug. There was even a tickling incident that led to his male classmates dogpiling him (because in 3-E the A in PDA can also mean aggression).

 No one comments on it though.

 It’s almost like Irina-Sensei’s comment about the students of 3-E having ‘some creepy hive mind’ is actually true.

 (That comment actually lead to the class planning via group chat to speak in monotonic unison in front of her for an entire half an hour just to mess with her. It worked.)

  “I still don’t understand why you people like drinking this leaf juice,” Fuwa scrunched her nose at the ceramic cup in her hand. Due to the pleasant weather, Kanzaki, Kayano and Okuda decided to have a tea party and Nagisa being the tea lover that he was was more than happy to accept their invitation.

 “Hey,” Kayano glared at her, making a shooing gesture with one of her hands, “Group four only.”

 “Kayano,” Nagisa said firmly, “she can stay if she wants.”

 “But she’s disrespecting the tea.”

 Nagisa shook his head and sighed whilst Kanzaki giggled into her cup.

 “Listen Fuwa,” Kayano rounded on the female otaku, “whilst I stand by the statement that pudding is the closest thing to perfection humanity has ever created and I would sell this entire class for a lifetime supply of pudding cups without a second thought (“Say what now?” Nagisa backtracked), a cup of nice warm tea can truly heal your soul. It’s science.”

 “That is true,” Okuda piped up, gently pushing her glasses up, “a cup of hot anything in your hands mimics human warmth which is said to have calming properties. So it basically means that warm drinks can mimic the need for human care and touch.”

 ‘ Well ,’ Nagisa blinked, thinking back to the mountain of tea bags that reside in his bedroom’s dustbin, ‘ that explains a lot. ’

 “So if you guys ever feel too single,” Fuwa laughed and gave them double finger guns, “you know what to do.”

 Whilst the rest of his company gave responding giggles, Nagisa felt a tug on his elbow and let it go limp to allow the greenette sitting next to him to tug it downwards. When he felt her link her pinky with his he turned to look at her to see a sunny beam directed straight at him.

 And he smiles back.

 Because he’s not alone anymore.

[me-and-your-husband]

Need Someone (Part 2)

Summary: Reader gets into some trouble, and doesn’t know who else to call besides her best friend’s dad, District Attorney Andy Barber.

Warnings: age gap, kidnapping and attempted sexual assault.

Pairing: Andy Barber x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Note: Lets say reader is 18 and in senior year.

    I had managed to get my captor to untie me from the bed, which was the first step in the right direction. Now, I sat with my legs hanging off the side of the bed, trembling. He sat beside me, stroking my hair. I could feel his hot breath on my neck. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that I would be able to endure less of it. When I was finally able to stop thinking about the man’s lingering breath on my neck, I felt his dry lips attach to my neck in a chaste kiss. I let out a noise of disgust, and my eyes widened when I realized what I just did.

   A calloused hand came up to grip my jaw, and the man swiftly turned my face to meet his. His eyebrows met in a frenzy of anger, yet the corners of his mouth curled up in a sinister smirk. 

“I thought you were ‘gonna be cooperative, Hon’,” He said rhetorically. My bottom lip trembled out of fear when I tried to speak. Breaking eye contact, I moved my gaze back down to my hands, clutching the bed sheets.

Just then, I felt a cold force hit my cheek, sending me flying to the floor with a thud. I pressed my hand to my cheek, my cold hand being a vast contrast to the burning flesh where the mark was left. A shaky breath escaped my lips, as my eyes darted around the room, searching for a plan. The man let out an almost grizzly-like growl at this, and lunged toward me. Luckily, I was able to bound away and stumble through the bedroom door. Trying to navigate my way through this house was difficult; the man had carried me up here when I was unconscious. 

     Sprinting to the door to what I assumed would be the stairs, I slammed the door behind me and my trembling hand frantically moved to lock it, but the whole door handle had been removed. Adrenaline pumped through my body as I looked around the room. It seemed to be a guest room, decorated with little but a bed, a nightstand with a single lamp on it, and a rocking chair sat by the small window, which was currently open, letting a draft in, causing the thin curtains to sway in the breeze.

   My legs took me to the window, where I yelled for help as loud as I could, even sticking my head out the window to wave to anyone passing by. It was light now, around noon, according to the place of the sun in the sky. Surely, the Barbers had realized something was wrong when Jacob didn’t hear from me yet today. 

“Come here, you bitch!” is what echoed through the hall, heavy footsteps approaching the door. The thought went into my head for a brief moment, and I knew I had to at least try. I grabbed the lamp from the nightstand and removed the shade, revealing a glass lightbulb. Quickly, I ran to hide behind the doorknob-less door, and held the lamp close to my chest, Drawing a deep breath in, I waited for the door to swing open.

  Once the door opened, I waited for the man to step far enough into the room. His sweaty figure had it’s back turned towards me, to which I stepped forward, raising the lamp above my head. I brought it down with force, and the sound of glass shattering could be heard amongst the throaty groan the man let out. Blood trickled from his bald skull, as his hand came up to check the wound site. When he seen that crimson painted his fingers, he slowly turned around to face me. The lamp in my hands, which were cut and bleeding from the glass, fell onto the ground in between us. 

“You little slut. You think you can do this to me? Just wait until I get my hands on you, you little...” I couldn’t hear the rest, as my legs took me down the stairs, as if I knew this house like my own, and for some reason I ran right past the back door, and went for the kitchen. Flying around the kitchen island, I grabbed a knife from the knife block. Getting down with my back up against the cabinet of the kitchen island, I tried to steady my breath. For a few minutes, I heard nothing but silence. Then, a low, steady, unwavering, monotone groan, and something dragging. Then, more silence. 

     Hot tears spilled onto my cheeks, and the copper taste filled my mouth. I let go of the bottom lip that I had been anxiously gnawing on and stood up to take a peek over the island. My face was met with the man, blood running down the side of his face, leaning forward over the counter. 

“Well, hi there,” he whispered, almost inaudibly. A blood-curdling shriek left my lips, one that felt like I had been holding back for a century. His large hand grabbed me by the hair, picking me up and throwing me across the kitchen floor, causing the knife in my hand to fall and slide across the floor.. I landed with a crack, and tried to ignore the pain resonating in my arm. 

“No, no please stop, you don’t have to do this,” I cried, crawling backwards as best as I could on my elbows. I inched towards the knife, as he stalked towards me. He brought his foot out and gave me a hard kick in the ribs, gaining another cry out of me. As I lay there clutching my side, he sat on my legs, keeping me in place. Reaching into his pocket, he brought out a small gadget. Flipping it open , he revealed that it was a pocket knife. 

“Now, since you won’t behave, I’ll give you something to remember me every time you look in the mirror,” He stated dastardly. Despite my thrashing, he brought the knife up to just under my left eye on my cheek, and pressed into the skin. He didn’t go deep enough for me to bleed out, nor for it to scar, but it still hurt like a bitch, 

    His other hand came up to cover my mouth, muffling my screams and protests. He dragged the blade along my flesh, but in moment of his hesitation, I caught him off guard and brought my fist up to his stomach. The blow was hard enough for him to fall off of me, releasing my legs. I crawled on my stomach over to the knife that was now a few feet away from me. 

When my fingertips brushed the hilt of it, A strong hand wrapped around my ankle. He pulled me back towards him, but luckily I had managed to wrap my hand around the knife’s blade, cutting into my hand. I moved my hand down to the hilt, and turned around. I plunged it straight into his neck, and his eyes popped out of their sockets. Both of his hands immediately came up to clutch his bleeding neck. Blood gushed and squirted out of it. Within ten seconds, we were both laying in a pool of our blood, more his than mine.

    I listened to his breathing patterns. They finally went form sounding mucus-filled and clotted, to none at all. Once I had realized he was really dead and he was safe, the adrenaline started to wear off and I became tired. 

   The realization that I needed help was what brought me back from drifting off. I managed to climb off the floor, and reach the house phone that sat on the counter by the stove. I grabbed the phone and dialed 911, but a thought crossed my mind. What if I get charged for murder? What if they don’t understand it was self defense?

    I finally make up my mind, and make the decision to call the only other person I know that can for sure help me. I dialed Andy Barber’s number, and waited as it rung. I crossed my fingers in hopes that he would pick up. While it was ringing, I took in my surroundings. The white kitchen walls were now splattered with blood, the tiled floor flooded in it. My clothes were soaked in either his blood or mine. This reminded me of my cheek, to which I brought my hand up to swipe across. This was a bad idea, as the touch made it sting more.

 I was pulled out of my trance by a tired, raspy voice. “Andy Barber speaking,” came from the other line, and I let out a breath I had been holding in. 

“Andy?” I said, but it came out in almost a whisper. It was like I could physically feel him perk up.

“Y/N? Is that you? Where are you?”

“Andy, I don’t know where I am. I’m in a house,” I told him earnestly. 

“Alright,” he sighed. I could just imagine him running his hand over his face. “Look for bills, or anything that could have the address on it,” 

I hummed in response and began scavenging the kitchen for bills or documents. I went through all of the drawers and cupboards with the phone between my ear and shoulder, finding nothing. I was just about ready to give up when I noticed a paper pinned on the stainless steel refrigerator with a magnet. I crept up to the fridge, almost cautiously. I held the phone to my ear with one hand and reached out for the paper slowly with the other. I plucked it off of the fridge and held it in front of me. My trembling hand made it difficult to read, but I could make out a name. 

ROBERT ARTHUR HADDOCK

1271 ASPIN WAY

“1271 Aspin Way, that’s where I am,” I said in monotone to the phone. Andy cleared his throat. 

“Okay, alright. Just hang tight, honey. I’ll send the police down, they’ll be there shortly. Stay on the line, okay?” he said soothingly. 

“No, no Andy you can’t, I-”

“It’s alright, honey it’ll be fine, I trust these people. I wouldn’t let them anywhere near you if I didn’t,” He reassured me. It might have been inappropriate, the time and place considered, but the pet name he kept using made my heart flutter.

“It’s not that, I...I killed him,”

Silence from the other end. I could picture Andy’s mouth agape. 

“But-but it was in self defense, I swear! He was trying to hurt me, he did hurt me. Oh right, I’m still bleeding,” I said, voice trailing off at the end. This brought him out of his silence.

“What! Y/N, you’re hurt? How bad is it?” He badgered, concern laced in his voice.

“I think my arm’s broke, he cut my cheek, and he kicked me in the ribs. There’s blood everywhere, oh God. I don’t even know how much of it’s mine...” I mewled, my voice cracking at the end, the tears coming back down again.

“I’m on my way,” Andy stated.

“Please don’t tell Jacob, and don’t bring anybody else, please,” I begged.

“I won’t,” he said gently, before I heard a car door open and shut swiftly. “...Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“It’s been nearly three days. For three fucking days you could have been dead,”

Sitting on the floor by the front door, I sat talking to Andy as he drove. This house was on the other side of Newton. 

The phone I was using gave a warning beep, to let me know that it was almost dead.

“Andy. the phone’s almost dead,” I said softly.

“It’s okay, I’m almost there. I’m about five minutes away, you can unlock the-” 

The phone died.

Letting out a sigh, I threw the drained house phone across the room. “Damn it,” I murmured to myself. It was then, sitting in the approaching darkness, utterly alone, that I realized that I needed to use the washroom. The only problem was, I didn’t know where it was, and I just killed the guy who owns it. 

I stood up with a grunt, and started opening random doors. When I opened the last one at the end of a long, white corridor, a foul smell floated into the air. Trying to keep down the lunch I was deprived of, I plugged my nose. My eyes found a small string hanging from the ceiling, to which I assumed would turn on a light. I was correct.

    Bright orange light flooded the small room, which revealed to me that there was one flight of stairs below me. At the bottom, the sight I was presented with shook me to my core.

    Seven women lay on the landing at the end of the stairs, all defiled and mutilated. The bodies of the women were bloated and purple, and some even looked like they had started rotting. 

    The scream that left my mouth this time was so vile and so loud, that I couldn’t hear Andy forcefully opening the front door and stumbling in, yelling my name. I only stopped screaming when I fell to the ground, either passing out from blood loss or shock, cheeks wet from tears. Andy’s thick arms wrapped around me, catching me before I hit the hard ground.

Tags: @zaddychris @kyrarose16 @lexeeehhh @kelbabyblue​ @lovelivelife128

@kalesrebellion​

[corpse--diem]

A Reptile Dysfunction | Norma & Erin

TIMING: End of May PARTIES: @normallee​ LOCATION: Champlain Falls SUMMARY: Erin finds out the hard way what the difference between a lizard and a phlizard is. Norma is of absolutely no help.  CONTENT WARNINGS: none

Erin couldn’t remember the last time she’d taken the time to stretch her legs along the trails of the gift that was White Crest National Park. It’d been too long, she did know that. Her mother had still been alive, she was sure of it. Back when the shadows that danced between the trees and foliage only meant that the sun was going down or that the wind was picking up. She’d hike for hours, often alone. Completely unsuspecting and completely at peace. Knowing what she did now, she wasn’t sure how she’d skated through those small adventures without more than a few mosquito bites and a touch of sunburn on her nose. Fear had kept her away, like it had kept her from most things she used to enjoy since returning home. Didn’t feel fair, and after some brief contemplation, she found herself shrugging on a pair of old hiking boots and took the drive to the trail she knew led to Champlain Falls. It was finally warming up, too cold for a proper jump into the water pools, but just the sound was enough to start the calm. Maybe try to remember what it was like for a few hours to be one of those naive locals who could move about freely with little thought to the shadows again. Thankfully she was alone. Most people were at work or school on a weekday afternoon. A perk of owning her own business. She could step away for a few hours when she absolutely needed it. Today, she did.

And for a while, it was pretty normal. The hike went smoothly and she’d made it to the falls at just about lunch time. Reaching down, eyes on the falling stream ahead of her, her hands only found the blanket where her sandwich had been moments ago. “What the hell,” she murmured to herself, shuffling around. No dice. Just a damp trail along the blanket. A flicker of movement caught her eye. It moved fast--a lizard, maybe? Hard to tell. What she did know was that it was making off with her lunch. “Get back here, you little--” She jumped to her feet and started after it.

The last time Norma had been on a hike in White Crest, she had run into flying monkeys. She very much hoped that the trek to the falls a fae told her about would end differently. Or perhaps similarly if the flying monkeys weren’t chasing her. She imagined that the situation would be full of wonderful chaos and a true treat if it had been happening to an unsuspecting human rather than herself. Alas, that was not the case. This time she was determined to get things right, appear very human. She had searched the internet and was told that once humans get to waterfalls, they often had picnics. She then searched how one had those. The internet gave her a list of things to bring and she packed up her basket and made her way to the scenic spot through the winding paths.

It would make sitting by the falls waiting for jumpers to vanish look less conspicuous. At least, that was what she hoped. When she arrived at the falls, Norma opened her basket and started to set her food on the ground. She lined up the ham and cheese slices in a way she had seen online just directly on the ground. The trash bag she had with her she laid out on the ground next to the food to sit on. It was difficult to get right at first, it kept trying to fly away. The blanket she draped over her shoulders even though she was not at all cold. It was a very nice temperature out but if humans usually had picnic blankets, what else was she to do? She had to keep appearances up, after all.

Norma had just settled down to sit and watch the human chaos when it seemed to find her instead. A smile curved onto her face as she watched a philzard crawl over to another human strangely sitting on top of her blanket. Did she know that wasn’t correct? Before Norma could correct her, the reptile had stolen her sandwich strangely placed on top of the blanket and the human was after the creature. “Oh, you should probably let that phlizard go. I have more food if you’d like some,” she said with a smile, gesturing at the cheese squares lined up along the rocks in front of her.

Erin hadn’t even noticed the other woman at first, too caught up in the chase, until she spoke up. The orange squares of cheese lining the rocks made her pause. Hard. Was that a joke? She didn’t pick up on the ph pronunciation. “I don’t--uh, no thanks,” she answered with a wary gaze, her feet trekking towards where she saw the lizard disappear. “I’m more concerned about the lizard getting sick. Can lizards eat peanut butter?” She asked, kneeling to lift up some of the small, loose rocks the creature had whizzed across. Lizards ate bugs, she’d read somewhere once, and were generally carnivorous. The reptile was taking its own fate into its hands here, and while she normally wouldn’t have cared what happened to it because of that, just once she wanted to leave something as good as she left it. Even if it was this stupid little lizard. The rock in her hand dropped back into the mud with a damp thud and she glanced over at the strange woman, brushing the hair from her face with the back of her hand. “You didn’t happen to see where it went did you?”

“Oh I wouldn’t worry about the philzard, I’m sure it’s fine.” Humans were so strange. Norma couldn’t imagine feeling compassion for a strange creature that had taken off with her food. She was grateful for the food it was providing her, of course. “I would worry much more about you.” And the philzard’s spray. The smile on her face grew a bit wider. “Are you certain you would rather have that sandwich and not any of the food I have? I made a very nice spread,” she said, gesturing once more to the cheese and ham on the rocks, all placed in a careful row. It really was in this human’s best interest to leave the creature alone and accept that her meal was misplaced for good. However, it did benefit Norma much more if she encouraged this hunt. She could feel traces of frustration building in the air. Good. Chaos wasn’t far behind. Especially not if things went the way they always did with phlizards. So Norma squinted her eyes and looked around a bit. There wasn’t anything she could see just yet, so she stood up, carefully placing her blanket over the food and trash bag for safe keeping, and looked around. “There!” she said, pointing at the small tail wiggling its way out of sight, leaving a trail through the mud as it dragged the sandwich along. “It went that way, we should go chase it.” This would be entertaining if nothing else.

“I think I can handle a lizard,” Erin muttered offhandedly as she glanced around the edge of the water, then back to the other woman. There was something off here, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. That smile definitely wasn’t a warm, friendly one, she knew that much. Her brow rose sharply at the display. “Really--no.” She paused again, genuinely unsure about everything happening with this stranger. “Is there a… joke or something here I’m not getting?” She gestured to the rocks with food on them. Are you okay? Was going to be the next question out of her mouth when she started pointing. “Oh, good eye!” Erin caught the tail end as it slithered away, a mucus-y trail in its wake. She nodded at the woman, more determined than ever to catch this thing. This wasn’t how she expected her afternoon to go but--it could’ve been worse, right? She was on the lizard’s trail, flipping the rocks it was scuttling under, always a few steps behind. This sucker was fast. “Aha!” She shouted when it had cornered itself, too large to fit between the piles of rocks it had run towards. At least not with the sandwich between its jaw. They’d come to an impasse it seemed. Her entire body froze, afraid a sudden move would startle it away.

“Oh god, that’s the ugliest lizard I’ve ever seen in my life,” she remarked, bending her knees ever so slowly, grabbing a stick beside her. “That’s a good lizard. Very good. We just don’t want you getting sick,” she started, using the same soft voice she used on Betty in hopes to coax her into doing something. “I think I got this,” she said to the woman. Quickly she jabbed the stick into the sandwich, knocking it out of the lizard’s mouth and cementing it in place so it couldn’t run away with it. Erin grinned wide but all too soon. As soon as the phlizard’s mouth was empty, it spat out a low, angry hiss followed by a spray of mucus. Erin yelped, groaning as she fell backwards into the mud. “Oh, god, what the fuck,” she sputtered, wiping the slime off of her face and neck, feeling it trickle down her arm and chest. Her heart spiked. It burned.

For a moment, Norma wondered if a normal human would warn the woman, perhaps stop her or pull her away from the lizard. No, she decided, most humans were quite awful to one another, especially to strangers. She had learned that much in her many years on the planet. She was sure of it. So while her hand reached out to pull her back, hovering before falling back to her side, that was as far as she went. Norma didn’t walk towards the creature, simply stood back and watched and waited to soak up the threads of panic and fear that were about to swirl in the atmosphere around them. “Phlizard,” Norma shouted from a few feet away. “Not lizard. I wouldn’t poke it with a stick if I were y--” It was too late. As she predicted, there was mucus spraying everywhere. She ducked. She assumed by the scream that the human did not manage to. And by the looks of it, she was correct in her assumption. “I would like to point out that I did warn you not to engage with the phlizard. They’re very obnoxious.”

She breathed in and felt trickles of chaos seeping into her. It wasn’t much, not enough. Truly, for her own survival, she should push for more. She wanted more. And yet, she didn’t want to risk herself being entangled with the philzard for much longer. Nor did she want to completely blow her cover. She was meant to be human and care for other mortals at least superficially, right? Norma ran over and reached down, hooking her arms under the womans and started to drag her back through the mud towards the water. “Time to leave it alone now. Let’s run if you are able, please. I would very much like to avoid your fate if at all possible.”

A phlizard? It was one of the few panic-stricken questions bouncing around in Erin’s head, layered in between the burning sensation on her skin. The woman was dragging her away from the liza--phlizard. If she wasn’t desperately running for the water and splashing it over her face and body, desperate to make the burning stop, she would have picked up on the woman’s all too calm nature. It helped, a little, but the mucus had burned small holes into her shirt and a rash was beginning to spread along her skin. She could feel it itching beneath the surface. “I--yeah, okay. You did. But why would you tell me to chase it? I was just trying to make sure it--did you know it was going to do that?!” Erin practically screamed, frantically scrubbing her arms in the water. She just wanted one thing. One day. Just a few hours of solitude. Why was that so hard? Why was she so stupid to think she could have that? “What is wrong with you?” What was wrong with this whole damn place?

“Well,” Norma started, brows furrowed as she stood by the water, watching the woman try to wash the mucus off of herself. “I did start by telling you to leave it alone. But you seemed very attached to that sandwich so I figured I would help you find it.” She realized her advice was rather contradictory in hindsight. Still, the chaos was worth it in the end. And humans were often hypocritical so she was certain she didn’t reveal too much. “Oh, did I know if it was going to spray mucus?” Norma asked, tilting her head. “I couldn’t say for certain, no. But they do tend to do that when they are cornered. Or when you try to take food from them. Really you shouldn’t have taunted it. I simply suggested that you follow it.” Her face fell as the woman accused her of being incorrect. That was rather rude, she was sure of it. But more importantly, it could mean her cover was in fact blown. Norma began fidgeting in place, flustered by her fallen facade. She had to fix this. “Wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with me, I am perfectly normal, thank you! You’re the one covered in mucus,” she said, huffing out a small laugh to try and mask her anxiety. “Here, I can help. What you’re doing now, that’s never going to be enough.” And with that, Norma pushed the woman into the water.

Erin didn’t really care right now whether or not she was being fair or right--she was covered in burning reptile mucus. “Would’ve fucking loved to know that before you let me chase it,” she grumbled, repeating herself. Made sure she heard it again. It was partially her fault for chasing the stupid thing but this woman knew, and still encouraged her to chase it. She was going to blame her for as long as she liked right about now. “How are you going to--” With a yell, Erin’s back hit the cool water and for a moment, she did forget about the burning sensation crawling up her skin. She popped up, taking a breath, eyes wide and absolutely enraged. “What is wrong with you?” She screamed again, arms splashing and cutting through the water as she pulled herself to her feet. “This is not--helping!!”” The water did feel good against her skin but all she could see was red, her vision narrowing and without thinking she yanked on Norma’s arm and pulled her down with her into the water.

“Well you didn’t ask. I would have told you if you’d asked,” Norma said matter of factly. Humans were so demanding. They wanted all the answers but only when it was convenient to them. No wonder they died so easily. It was a wonder the species survived as long as they had. Still, she couldn’t deny the relief she felt as the woman splashed into the water. She was so starved for chaos, for sustenance, that even small moments of surprise felt like a feast. Norma tilted her head to the side as she watched the mortal scramble. There was more than just surprise. Anger. Rage. And was that… a thirst vengeance? It was almost unmistakable. Even better. It was so tempting to pull it out of her, to feed off it. Norma reached her hand out towards her, she could take just a taste, have just one drop. She was so close to risking it, feeling true power and chaos at her own hand once more, when suddenly, the mortal was reaching out to her instead. Interesting, that’s not what she expec-- “Ahhhh!” Norma yelped as she was yoinked down into the water herself. It was cold. And not as refreshing as it always appeared to be in mortal media. “What is wrong with you?” she shouted back once her head was back above the water. “Now I am in need of assistance! Get me out of here!” she said, flailing about and splashing. She knew how to swim but not well. She was certainly out of practice. If she could avoid drowning again, that would be preferable. It was never enjoyable.

Erin felt no remorse watching the woman flail about, struggling against the water like a toddler learning to swim. Just a sliver of satisfaction she didn’t and wouldn’t address, not right this second. She was confident that this was partially this woman’s fault, anyway. “Try standing up,” she yelled back plainly, her feet slipping in the mud as she hauled herself through the water towards the dry shore. When she let her water-soaked body collapse into the grass, her eyes turned to the burns that still lit up her nerves like a branding iron. The noises from the woman in the water slowly turned into background noise, every sense lighting up in panic. This wasn’t good. Accompanying the burns was some sort of rash, but not any kind Erin had ever seen.

“I have scales.” 

The statement came out calmer than she felt. At this point she couldn’t even register how ridiculous it sounded, but she was pulling at her skin, lifting her clothes to inspect the area where the animal’s spray had burned through the fabric. More scales. “Why do I have--” she jumped to her feet, eyes wide, watching the woman, making no attempt to help. Only yelled out “Why the fuck do I have scales?!”

Norma took a deep breath, puffing out her cheeks to hold in as much air as she could before trying to push herself to stand. There was some wobbling about, back and forth, until she found her balance just long enough to stumble through the water. It wasn’t incredibly deep, sure, but Norma was taking no chances. She could survive drowning, yes, but at what cost? Still, it wasn’t too hard to clamber to land. It was a shame, her blanket was all wet now. She tossed it aside and sighed. Norma was just about to figure out how to begin drying herself off when she felt the panic rising from the woman beside her. It wasn’t as chaotic as she’d hoped, but she did feel a little bit of satisfaction from it all the same. “Of course you have scales,” she said, practically sighing. “It sprayed you. That’s what happens when a philzard sprays you. You should really avoid that next time.”

Erin wasn’t paying attention to the woman splashing around behind her anymore. All she could see were scales. The only thing screaming in her head were fucking scales. “What do you mean that’s what happens?” Her voice was reaching a shrill pitch. The way the other woman was so nonchalant about the whole ordeal infuriated her further. And why did she keep saying phlizard? She ran back into the water until she was knee deep, scraping at the surface of her skin with her nails but hissed in pain when it proved both futile and painful. “What the fuck,” she murmured angrily under her breath, scrubbing with just her finger tips now. Still hopeless but it was better than standing there and doing nothing. “What do I do? I can’t get them off.” Her eyes jumped up, anger and fear dueling in the strain of her voice. “I can’t get them off!”

Norma breathed deep, drinking in the chaos radiating off of the woman beside her. It was so tempting to reach out and push her just an inch farther, to just send her tail spinning head first into that panic and to feed once more as she should, in her full fury glory. Alas, it was too risky. She’d have to suffice feeding off the scraps surrounding her. She breathed it in once more and wiped some of the water off her arms. “Oh, you can’t get them off,” Norma said simply, reaching up to wring out her hair. “Unless of course you’re a witch.” She paused and glanced back over at the mortal. “You aren’t a witch, are you?” She had a feeling that the witch hunts she incited back in the day wouldn’t be appreciated by the spellcasters in White Crest. And she’d learned long ago that family lineages held grudges. Best to be cautious. “You don’t happen to have a towel or something on you, do you?”

Erin’s head shot up at the casual use of the word witch. Though, she supposed it shouldn’t have been as alarming, considering the new skin coating her arms. A single dry, harsh laugh shook her shoulders. “A witch? Oh. No,” she answered flatly, finally giving up and pulling herself defeatedly from the water. “Not that I’d ever tell you, a complete stranger I wouldn’t trust with even a slice of cheese, even if I was. And yes. I do.” She swiped the picnic blanket from the grass and wrapped it around herself, making no attempt to offer it to the other woman. Her head shook and she muttered half to herself as she gathered her things. “Nope. I’m just another stupid human in this stupid town full of no good, sandwich-stealing, mucus-y asshole lizards.” Her jaw clenched as she patted her skin, which flushed a furious red in the sunlight. The scales were not, in fact, coming off. Nell better not be busy right about now, she thought, wrapping the blanket tighter around herself, ready to book it back down the trail at lightning speed. She didn’t want scales. She didn’t want to be a lizard--phlizard--whatever they hell they were. She just wanted a quiet afternoon. That was all. But even this, it seemed, was too much to ask for anymore. She tilted her head at the woman she partially blamed for her current predicament. “But at least I have a blanket.”

“Oh, right. I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Norma,” she said, holding her hand out to shake for a second before pulling it back. She really didn’t want to get scales today. Or ever, if avoidable. “You should find yourself a witch unless you enjoy those scale-like rashes. I will not judge you if that’s the case.” It was hard to keep the smile off her face as she felt the wave of anger and thirst for vengeance brewing just beneath the surface of this ‘stupid human,’ as she called herslef. It still wasn’t quite her cup of tea, but she appreciated it all the same. If only she had an erinyes to share the meal with. “I am glad you have a blanket. And I assume by your defiant stance you are not going to share it.” Norma sighed and reached down to gather up her food and soaked blanket and all the rest. “I did have a wonderful time running into you. I’m always glad to make new friends.”

[bilgisticallykosher]

3: Purging Our Sins with a Neti Pot

Masterpost | TA Masterpost | AO3 link

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Janus and Remus prepare their bodies for the afterlife with a Neti Pot Cleanse. This horrifying contraption is designed to clear the sinuses through the application of clean water and brute force.

Word Count: 4,169

Warnings: Cursing, bodily fluids (mostly spit and mucus), discussion of bodily fluids, brief sexual humor, discussion of injuries, mild canon-typical body horror. I'm missing something, I'm sure.

THOMAS ANNUS, THOMAS ANNUS

Janus and Remus sat in front of what appeared to be a small swamp. Vegetation surrounded it, and the water was murky. In between them was a small table with two closed boxes. When they moved, it was apparent that they were sitting on brightly colored beach chairs. 

"Some people go on dietary cleanses to reset, to attempt to extend their time here on this mortal coil." Janus gestured at the table, and the camera zooms in on two blue boxes. "Some of these people go on another route, and cleanse their nasal passages." Remus turned around to face the swamp. "To try and ward off disease, to stave off infection, to attempt to prolong death." A giant tentacle curled out of the water suddenly. "But you think death stays in your nose? Your inevitable mortality dwells in your sinuses?" The tentacle gave a flick of its appendage, water droplets flying from it. "Nothing can stop you from dying. It's inevitable, it's universal. It's inescapable." The tentacle retreated back into the depths, and Remus turned around again. 

"Neti pots!" He grinned, and Janus's serious demeanor fell away, as he tried not to smirk at the interruption. 

"That was absolutely the tone I was going for, well done." They both faced the camera. "Anyway, this whole cleansing phase is mostly done by certain types of people."

"The Karens. Mom group people!" Remus chimed in while Janus grabbed a box. 

"The type of people who you see coming and you just know they're going to ask to see the manager." He began reading the box as he spoke. 

"I mean," Remus began. "There's probably some people that actually have globules of mucus filling their sinuses." He grinned.

"Of course," Janus preened, meeting Remus's eyes, "but they're clearly not the target consumer," and he went back to reading the side of the packaging. 

"Right!" Remus grabbed the other box off the table, "But we are, so let's get high on pot!" He placed both hands on top of the box, and ripped it right down the middle. He flung the box off-screen, scattering little packets everywhere. "Whoopsie." He looked over at Janus, who wasn't paying him any attention. He shrugged at the camera. 

"Is neti pot the brand name, do you think?" Janus's finger skimmed over the information detailing usage.

"Mmm. Maybe it's like that Q-tip, cotton swab thing," Remus mused as he scrambled out of his chair to pick up some of the saline packets he'd dropped. 

"It says Nasaflo on the box also." Janus turned the box around, considering. 

"Oh, so it's a brand name," he shrugged. Janus peered at him, lowering the box.

"We're using brand name neti pots. Why would it print the generic name for it also?" Janus took in what was happening, his eyes narrowing  more. "What are you doing."

Remus waved him off with a hand that contained a few packets, unintentionally flinging one Janus's direction. He grabbed another one in his other hand, and dumped them into the half box he'd grabbed from his table. 

"Well maybe they wanted to be thorough," he halfheartedly argued, pointedly ignoring the question. Janus sighed and shook his head, going back to looking at the box. 

"Hm. Interesting." He tapped the box where his gaze landed. Remus continued crawling around gathering the packets. "It says here that only certain waters are permitted to use in this." He pointed his finger on the part of the box as he was reading, moving it as he read. "Recommended for safe use are; sterile, distilled, or boiled water. The boiled-"

"What about birth water?" Janus looked up at that, finger hovering over his place. 

"What." His eyebrows constricted, peering at Remus. 

"Birth water!" Remus flourished his hand with a grin. "It'd be like a rebirth of the nostrils! Amniotic fluid is mostly water, anyway." He tilted his head, frowning as he trailed off. "Except for the part of it that's baby pee…" 

Janus sighed, and shook his head slightly. He opened his mouth as if to speak, then seemed to think better of it.

Remus, on the other hand, possessed no such qualms. "En utero, more like en urineo." Remus tilted his head towards Janus, mouth open in a shit-eating grin; the universal sign of having told a pun. If only it'd been good. 

"The boiled water," Janus resumed," must be boiled for three to five minutes, and must be cooled before using." He tapped his finger on the box. "You know what that last part means, don't you?" He looked at Remus, who was grabbing some of the saline packets nearest to him. He looked up when Janus paused. "It means someone tried to scald their nostrils immediately after boiling the water." Janus finished, tone smarmy.

Remus grinned wildly back at him, eyes lit up bright. He dropped a packet or two in excitement. 

"But imagine the bleeding blisters all along their nasal cavities! The scalded skin torn from  the flesh!" He clawed his hands, getting more into his train of thought. "You wouldn't be able to smell anything spicy without crying out in agony for weeks! Your nose would be pulsating in pain at the slightest sign of a sniffle! Allergies become a bloodbath! AHAHAHAHA!" Remus's cackle echoed, high-pitched and terrible. 

"The reason why," Janus plowed on, having allowed him his moment, "is that apparently swallowing," he paused a moment, allowing time for Remus to snort. "Swallowing the organ-" Remus snorted again, "-isms that live in the water is fine, because stomach acid kills them. You don't have acid in your nose." He looked up at Remus, who was flipping some packets in his hand between his fingers. "At least, most people don't."

"Hmmm?" Remus looked up, sensing Janus's stare. "Oh, no, you don't have to worry about me; my nostrils have been kept painstakingly clean for this occasion for weeks," Remus proudly reported, puffing out his chest. "With frequent maintenance!" 

"Frequent maintenance translating to?" Remus held up his hands excitedly, fingers splayed wide. "That's what I thought," Janus sighed.

"What is a neti pot, if not extreme nose picking?" Remus tilted his head down to look at the packets that he'd just picked up, now sitting at his feet from his answer. "Aw, poopy." He started plucking them up again. 

"Interestingly enough," Janus had resumed skimming the box, "apparently if you use neti pots often enough, there's a correlation with more sinus infections."

"Ooh. How ironic."

"Something about how frequent usage reduces the mucosal lining, thereby there's a higher risk of infection." Janus tilted his head to the side, considering. "Not ideal. Of course, another listed side effect is death." 

Remus finished picking up the packets, and dropped them onto the remains of the box. He flopped down into the chair, legs flung over the arm, his own arm over the back, head cradled by the other arm of the chair. 

"We all die eventually, blah blah, death comes for us all, or whatever," he contributed, uninterested, with a little wave of his hand. Janus leveled a look at him before turning back to the box.

"Well, if you're going to take that attitude towards it, I suppose that we can move on and actually use the pots now." He placed the box on his lap, fingers steepled over it. 

"Yeah!" Remus bolted upright in his seat. "Let's break safety regulations!" He grabbed a saline packet, ripping it open. He leaned over the table, poured out the contents, and started snorting it up his nose. 

He immediately began choking, making horrible snorting noises. 

"And what did you expect would happen; confetti?" 

"Hnr hnr hnr," Remus rubbed furiously at his nose. 

"And what did we learn?" Janus drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair. 

"Hnrrrrgh." Remus pinched his nose, before ripping it clean off. He tilted it to the side, a small stream of white powder pouring out into a pile onto the floor. He shook out the last few particles, and brought his nose back to his face, sticking it on. He adjusted it back and forth a few times, before settling it where it was originally. He inhaled loudly through it. 

"Safety rules are there for a reason," he moped, finally answering Janus's question. 

"Let's begin to use the neti pots. Don't hold your breath when using it, and lightly blow your nose after use." Janus opened up his own box, smoothly taking out the pot and one packet of saline. He tilted it this way and that. "Do you suppose that it resembles a teapot because the packets are reminiscent of teabags?"

"Ooh, we should put our pinkies out to be all fancy!" Remus demonstrated with both hands, extending his pinkies outward. 

"Well, I'd meant that it was an unsettling comparison, but," Janus lifted his left pinky, "sure, let's go with that." He took the packet, placed the pot on the floor, stuck his hand out to Remus, flapping his fingertips towards himself in a beckoning motion. "Jug of water." Remus tilted his head as Janus kept it up. 

Remus sat there blinking for a moment, Janus still steadily and insistently motioning towards himself. Remus finally got the message with an audible noise, and handed Janus the jug of water. He took it, and uncapped it, gently pouring it into the Neti pot. 

"Hey, are we doing this together? One at a time, or what?" He grabbed the water as Janus passed it to him. 

"Let's try both at the same time." He shook a saline packet, loosening it up. "I can't imagine that using these things is entertaining enough to do four separate nostril irrigations," he mused, pouring the packet in.

"Synchronized swimming-in-our-own-nose-juices!" Remus upturned the water jug over his own neti pot, letting it glug a few times until it started sluicing over the sides, overflowing. He held it upright again, before he released it, the jug falling to the ground with a plastic-y plop, some water splashing out of the top. 

Janus closed his neti pot as Remus took another packet and emptied it into his own pot. He and Janus lifted them up, Remus's sloshing some water out, and he covered it. They both brought their pots closer to their faces, leaning forward in their seats.  They stuck their pinkies out in tandem, smirking at each other, and finally shoved the spouts into their left nostrils.

They tilted their heads to the right, letting the water inside flow through. As they poured it, it streamed through their left, and exited out the other side, out of their right. Remus immediately opened his mouth, gagging, and spat. Janus also let his mouth hang open, trying to gasp. 

"What's happening?" His voice came out rather watery. "Is this what's supposed to happen?" There was a growing puddle of water under each of them, and an accumulation of mucus in Remus's mouth.

"It feels like I'm drowning very slowly. And ineffectively!" He flapped his mouth a few times. "I can feel it coming out my mouth from around. From my nose, around back, and out my mouth."  

A long drip of fluid slowly made its way out of Remus's mouth, and he met Janus's eyes as it hit the ground. "BREAK FORMATION!" He pulled the spout out from his nose, sitting up, Janus quickly following suit. "Woo!" He shook out his head much like a wet dog would. "That was a wild ride, huh?" Janus looked frazzled. 

"I don't understand. Why would anyone do this willingly?" He sniffed grossly, moisture still gathering around his nose and mouth. "Why did we invent this? As a species?"

"I dunno." Remus scrunched his nose up. He still had a steady drip leaking out onto the puddle on the floor. He shrugged his shoulders, arms bent, hands outstretched. "I think it was kinda fun!" 

"Didn't you just say it felt like you were slowly drowning?" Janus squinted, skeptical. 

"Didn't say I hated it," he winked and shot him a double finger gun. Literally shot; the tips of his pointer fingers flew at Janus hitting him on the shoulder and bouncing by his feet. 

"Ugh." He flicked the digits into the swamp, where a tentacle immediately reached up and grabbed them into the abyss. "I suppose that we still have to do the other side, too?"

"Sure!" Remus confirmed with an easy smile. He squinted at the empty fingertip space on his pointers for one second before two new ones popped into place like they never left and his smile returned. "You don't want uneven bacteria and mucus in your nasal passages!"

"You don't know that." He rubbed at his forehead a bit, "don't forget to lightly blow your nose." He looked around. "Do we have any tissues?" He looked at Remus, "or you could create some, I suppose."

But Remus was already leaning forward with his head between his legs, loudly blowing with enough force to expel a rock. Janus took a brief moment to look disgusted before sighing and lifting his neti pot again. 

"Should we switch neti pots?" Remus lifted his head, batting his eyelashes at him. "Share our experiences in an even more intimate way?" Janus gave him a weary glare. 

"Shut up and drown yourself." He inserted the nozzle into his right nostril. Remus followed his lead, and stuck out his pinky again. 

"Ah-ah!" He wiggled his pinky in a reminder. 

"No. Fuck the pinky. Nothing about this is dignified." He gave one last inhale. "Alright. Let's get this over with." And with that they both tilted again, water pouring out again. 

"It's so weird," Remus watched the liquid coming out of his left nostril as a low hum began in the background of his speaking. "It seems like I shouldn't be able to speak. Like I'm dripping from my mouth, too, but not completely filling up with water or anything." He tilted his head very slightly to look at Janus. "You know?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," Janus's quiet, unending scream was in the background to the flowing water; the source of the hum. 

"Yeah, totally." He agreed while gay gesticulating. "But you know, you've gotta embrace the drowning! Let it flow through you, it's enjoyable sorta." Janus was still screaming at the- well, not the top- the bottom of his lungs. "Pot's almost empty, we're almost done." He announced cheerfully. 

Janus glanced at his own neti pot, considerably more full than Remus's. He pulled it out, looked at it for a second, and threw it over his shoulder into the swamp. A tentacle came out again, grabbing it down. 

"Oh, look. I'm done."

Remus frowned as the last of his water went through his nasal passages before he also sat upright, and removed his pot. 

"Hey, what gives?" He sounded more nasal than usual as he crossed  his arms. "You can't just pull out early! We never agreed to that!" He unfolded his arms, poking Janus in the chest with the spout of the pot. "And you know that pulling out early doesn't work anyway." 

"Get that thing off of me," he frowned, swiping it away from himself, as he inhaled deeply through his mouth. The pot fell to the floor, sliding slightly across the big, wet, viscous puddle. "So, how does your upper respiratory system feel?"

Remus loudly inhaled through his nose, pulling in a dripping string from his nostril. He coughed, then cleared his throat, coughed again, then cleared his throat even louder, culminating in a loud a-HEM-hem-hem and a loud hack which deposited a globule, floating on top of the puddle. 

"I feel great!" Remus sat upright, perky. "I'm a mom now, I guess!"

"Mazel tov, I didn't even know you were pregnant."

"I feel great," He repeated. "Totally free; uninhibited by modern day hindrances," Remus had stopped blinking, "like mild-to-zero harm levels of nasal bacteria! And clothes!"

"You're wearing clothing," Janus informed him while pinching the bridge of his nose, seemingly attempting to expel the rest of the water out.

"What?" Remus frowned, looking down at his body. He gasped when he saw that he was, indeed, clothed. "No! I can only drown naked! What kind of crime scene would I leave the world if they found me face-down in watery mucus-spit, and I was fully dressed! I'd be a laughingstock!" Janus stared at him. 

"Yes, so different than your normal state of being," he replied wearily, unable to manage to inject as much sarcasm as he usually did into the sentence. 

"Yeah!" He huffed, still frowning, and stomped his foot on the floor, splashing some of the water back onto himself. He skimmed the point of his foot around in the water a little, frown gradually giving way to a more blank look. He lifted his head. "Hey, what's this channel about?"

"Death," Janus didn't look up from where he was hanging his head.

"That's right, my mucus-y mate! And that means that you've got a limited time to subscribe to this channel!" He paused, tilting his head to the side. "And on Earth."

"Don't think about that last one too much," Janus sneered while massaging the tops of his cheeks. 

"So ask yourself this,"

"If you had the opportunity to choose who to spend your last moments with," he switched to rubbing two spots on his forehead, "who would you choose?"

"Why not us?" Janus snorted.

"You want a list?"

"Hey," Remus protested, "we've only done three videos so far."

"That's right, so there's still plenty of time for you to back out. But don't. Join us on our journey." He adjusted his hat. "Because time is running out."

"Subscribe now!" Remus gestured with a pointed finger, dragging it to his opposite shoulder. "Because you will not get another chance to join us." He paused, using his finger to poke Janus in the shoulder. "Hey, do you think we should do an enema next? For comparison?"

"I absolutely do not want you touching me. Now or ever." Janus shook him off of his shoulder, shook himself like he was dislodging a fly, then resumed his composed demeanor. 

"Man," Remus poked himself in the nose, "how do people not get massive rhinorrhea after using this thing?" 

"Whatever that is, don't explain it. I implore you."

"But it's just a runny nose!" Remus protested as Janus just sighed. "You know, rhino like nose. And rrhea like diarrhea!"

"I knew that wasn't going to end well."

The scene abruptly changes from in front of the swamp. A familiar spinning swirl appears. But this time, instead of black and white, it's green and yellow. Remus and Janus slowly come into view. Remus is now wearing a mostly black suit, but with a green lining, green buttons, and green cufflinks. Janus, on the other hand, had a mostly yellow suit, but his accents are white. 

"We'd like to thank everybody for making the launch of Thomas Annus so incredible," Remus smiles marginally less manically than he usually does. 

"You've blown past every expectation that we've had," Janus agrees. 

"Of course, to be fair, we had pretty low expectations to begin with!" Remus meets Janus's eyes. 

"I'm annoyed, but not surprised."

"Ha! Point for me!" He declares, wiggling happily. 

"On this channel," Janus faces back towards the camera, steepling his fingers, "we want to explore the kind of content that we think YouTube should be for. That is, content for content's sake. Past the need for monetization, and algorithms for recommended videos and popular this, trending that." He waves his hand dismissively as he mentions it all. 

"We want to create videos that excite us!" Remus jumps into the air, "We want to push ourselves," he makes a pushing motion, "past the limits on our comfort zones! " Janus tilts his head Remus's direction. 

"Hold on," he places his hand out in a 'stop' motion. "You have limits on your comfort zone?"

"Oh, probably not," Remus waves the idea away, "but think of how much fun I'll have finding out!" He grips onto nothing, hands  clenched into excited fists, as his eyes practically sparkle. 

"Uh-huh." Janus raises an eyebrow before shaking his head at him, turning back to the camera and clearing his throat. "But in order for us to do that, we need some help from you. Subscribe if you haven't already, because some day, you might not be able to."

"Ring the bell," Remus taps the air like he's clicking on something, "because eventually, its chime will cease." He mimics crushing an object in his hand. 

"Comment while you can. If you wait till it's too late, your voice will never be heard." Janus cups his hand around his ear. 

"Like the videos, and share them with as many people as you can." He claps a hand onto Janus's shoulder. "Because some day, there won't be anything TO share."  

"And, in the spirit of not taking things with us," he gently lifts Remus's arm off of himself by the sleeve and dropping it, "we have one more special gift for you. If we hit our goal of subscribers within one week," he holds up his pointer finger, "we'll pick a random subscriber, and hand deliver" he mimes handing something over into the camera view, "a special gift directly to you, wherever you may be."

"If we don't, I'm getting my nipples pierced!" Janus squints at him. 

"What."

"This will be the first of many milestones to come with even greater rewards!" Remus splays his fingers stretched outwards. 

"Or worse punishments." He scratches at the side of his face, hiding his mouth as he quickly mumbles "ontoRemusandnotme." If Remus hears him, he doesn't show it. 

"Help us reach higher and higher," he holds his hand level, moving it up in increments before dropping it, "and you will see all that we have planned for you." The grin forebodes menacingly. 

 "Omnia terminos."

 "We'll see you tomorrow."

"Thomas Annus," they conclude together. The clock resumes its countdown. 

Endcard: 

They were both back in front of the swamp. Janus was hosing down the area, including the chairs that they'd used. Remus sneaked up behind him. 

"Hey, deceitfully delicious," Remus called, lifting his hand, readying himself.

"What," Janus sounded unimpressed already as he turned his head to look at Remus, who promptly clapped his hand onto on Janus's face, grabbing. 

"Got your nosey," He crowed, waving Janus's nose triumphantly around.

"Remus!" One hand covered his nose gap while he held the hose up menacingly. "Give me my nose back now."

"What's going to happen if I don't?" He teased, wiggling his hand in front of him. "You going to clean me?"

"Funny, that'd usually be enough of a deterrent for you." Janus turned off the hose, hand still covering his face. "Fine then. As you wish." He launched the hose at Remus, cracking him on the side of the head. As he stumbled from the hit, Janus tackled him onto the ground, and they immediately started struggling and wrestling with each other. 

He grabbed Remus's arm, "Give!" He attempted to loosen his grip by prying at his fingers, "It!"  He pinned the hand down by his head, unable to open it, "Back!" His eyes scanned all over his face, and then suddenly, with the hand not pinning Remus's arm, he struck suddenly.

When he pulled away, he held his own prize in his hand; Remus's nose. "Ah-hah! Suddenly a bargaining chip comes into play!" He dangled it above his head. Remus looked up at Janus, back down at their lower halves, Janus straddling his own sprawled out form, leg leaning on the arm not holding his nose. He looked back at Janus, his eyes squinted in gloating success.

"Are you as turned on as I am?" He grinned, lecherous, and wiggled himself the best he could from his position. 

"Ugh," Janus loosened Remus's fingers, now relaxed, and practically ripped his nose from him. He positioned his own nose back onto his face, and threw Remus's onto his chest as he got up. Janus placed his nose delicately back onto his face. 

Remus sat up as he left, grabbing his nose, and then smushed it in place. He scrunched up his face, and wriggled his nose, before lowering his hands that had been cupping around the area. His nose was very visibly upside down. Janus had gone back to washing the area off, and was distinctly not paying attention to him. 

"Hey-nus, Jay-nus, do me a favor?"

"You're the heinous one," he retorted before turning the hose off. He turned, and he restrained his jolt of surprise. 

"Thanks," he preened. "But is my nose aligned right?"

Janus stared at Remus for five seconds. He looked at Remus's nose, he scanned up and down his face, he focused again on his nose. He stared into his eyes, Remus stared back. Janus didn't blink once. 

"Yeah, looks fine." 

-----

Happy (slightly belated) Halloween! How 'bout those last two Unus Annus videos, huh? Everything's fine h a h a .

Next chapter we see who the Amy of Thomas Annus is!!! Get hype!!!

Taglist from Taglist Repository:

@smileyzs @robinwritesshitposts   @thatgaydemigodnerd @arya-skywalker7567 @itsabsurd-and-terrifying @potatsanderssides   @legendsgates     @thatgaydemigodnerd   @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @thefivecalls @ananonsplace @ollyollyoxinfree @intruxiety @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @just-your-typical-trans-guy @a-fandom-trashdump @hekking-happy-nonsense     @legendsgates @rainbowbowtie @10moonymhrivertam @idont-freaking-know     @aceawkwardunicorn  

And I spoke Unus Annus to you, so I'm tagging you: @the-purp-man @nyamafriend @cattonsanders and @callboxkat

Let me know if you want off or on the taglist!

[ashen-vulture]

Considering some Creatures

I am a Game Master who happens to be an artist and has paleontology/archaeology as a lifelong obsession. I love drawing monsters for my games, I have a lot of drawings of final bosses and such. And dragons. And there will be dragons in this, too.

During this quarantine mess I decided to mess around with building a new setting that would heavily feature all sorts of megafauna and strange animals that are close to recognizable. To really get a scale for the world, and how small the people in it regularly feel, as well as to show my players some of the more prominent animals, I started working up creature lineups.

And I really liked how they were looking. Every creature is based in something familiar. I’m sure the mammoth is recognizable, though I decided to give mammoths in this setting an exaggerated fatty hump that keep them hardy in times of famine or during migrations when they won’t find as much food.

The small striped Five Horned one is based ever so loosely on Hoplitomeryx. They use their horns for goring attackers and males will wrestle one another by locking horns together and trying to throw each other around until one tires out. The small horns just forward of the eye acts as a guard to keep eyes from getting poked out, and they have a thick neck and sturdy shoulders that aids them in their duels and charges.

The one in the middle wasn’t expressly based on one creature, but rather a combination of giraffes, moose, and extinct camelids, with big padded feet for walking through snow, a long stride allowing them to cover a lot of ground, a huge rubbery nose for warming up air as it enters the body and also acting as an opposable digit, and a long prehensile tongue for grabbing at vegetation.

And I mean from there, it kinda

Just kept going. Here are some birds from the setting. Some folks will probably recognize the base creature for some of these: the Terror Bird (middle, striped), Argentavis (upper left, vulture), and  Pelagornis (right). The small birds aren’t exactly “based” on anything specific, more just filling out the world. Other Big Borb is based on Gastornis and it’s amazing crushing bite, the waterfowl directly next to Example Man (that’s my name for all of my comparison silhouettes) is a giant swan that lives by rivers and sea and spends most of its time walking, wading, or swimming, only really flying to cover large distances to other foraging grounds. It is a very aggressive bird, violence is guaranteed.

The last small one, the only wingless one, is called a Bush Bird. Based partially on revelations about the dodo bird: previously thought to be helpless, stupid ground birds that were fat and slow-moving, it’s likely that this idea came from caged specimens who didn’t have room to roam and were fed lots of cheap food. Though the little red-faced wingless bird might look small and helpless especially in this lineup, its feathers shield it from brambles, their primary nesting space, and they’re light on their feet, able to dash across snow, make quick turns, and recover from tumbles immediately and keep running.

Giant sloth! What megafauna-drenched lineup would this be if I didn’t include a sloth. And for this one I combined traits from several extinct sloth to make a rugged survivalist. They knuckle-walk most everywhere, but they’re also still adept climbers- of cliffs. They will climb the young, steep mountains during certain seasons to eat the seasonal fruit that is dropping that only they, birds, and humans can reach. They will also climb the cliffy coasts, descend down into the ocean to graze on sea plants, pulling their way along with their claws. While not an aquatic mammal it is a strong enough swimmer to get to shore if it loses its grip. Masters of getting where it’s hard to get to eat the things that are hard to eat.

The Apex predators of Sea and Land, known as the Sea Demon and the Huntfather. The Sea Demon is a voracious whale that hunts the known waters, the biggest threat in the sea. They’re not gentle giants, if it is large enough to be worth eating and its made of meat they’re not picky. The Huntfather is the apex predator of the land, it lays in ambush, often hunting in pairs. They utilize stealth and patience to ambush prey, using their bone-crushing jaws to bite for the legs and keep them from running away. I became interested in the idea of a creature that lives in a taiga/plains mix, and how white vertical stripes might help them blend into their environments.

Me: “Hey, what would happen if we took a komodo dragon, Biggified it to like megalania-size, and then gave it big old frill?”

This is called the Beach Tyrant. The species lives along beaches in loosely-associated colonies of other beach tyrants. It has a fluked tail for swimming, a stellar sense of smell, and the same noxious bite monitor lizards are well known for. They use their frills to catch heat from the sun and scare away creatures too big for them to handle (such as mammoths). They spend their time patroling up and down beaches hunting and scavenging.

They got the name Beach Tyrant because they tend to hoard large carcasses. In this setting humans do not have the means to hunt whales, so whale blubber or other parts are rare. Beach Tyrants will not leave a carcass until it is completely clean. They’ll sleep on top of and around it, mark the area, and refuse to relinquish until there is no carcass left.

Okay Who’s Ready For Dragons

So I want to design a RPG setting that will be fun for my players to engage with, and I don’t want it to be a 1:1 representation of our world. And I knew there had to be dragons, and I knew I wanted them to be different from every other dragon I had designed up to this point.

So, where do we get dragons? Well, we have to go back a little bit further than the mammoth for that.

The question I started with was- what if in this world’s version of the mass extinction event, a tiny pterasaur species managed to eek its way past the edge of oblivion and land in the new era? I looked at a combination of some of the largest and smallest pterasaurs. Their wing shape, their walking stance, their proportions, and worked them together with the idea of a showy, and highly social dragon.

So there are a few different “Types“ of dragons the humans of the world recognize: Black, Brown, and Colorful. In reality what they’re seeing are Adolescents, Females, and Males.

Male dragons are twice the height of their female counter parts and will defend nesting mountains in coalitions of 2-5 from invading predators and other males looking to dethrone them. Their crest is both display and a resonance chamber, allowing them to make loud honks, howls, and roars.

Females are smaller and duller in color, with smaller crests that functions similarly to the males. Females make up the bulk of the flock, a healthy dragon roost could have 20-60 of them, and they hunt in packs. They’ll lay down trails of fire to cause herds to split and scatter. They’ll even go into swarms or frenzies where the entire flock will mobilize for a hunt, especially when the youngsters are going out on their very first pack hunt.

The fire they spit is more a gooey vomit of flamable bile followed by an ignition chemical that causes the noxious mucus to catch a persistent fire. They use fire to box in or mark their intended prey, or to drive small prey out of thickets and grass cover where they can be picked off individually.

It is believed in this setting that the sun and the moon are moved across the sky by a giant blue dragon and a giant black dragon. The sun is an enormous pile of gold, and the moon is an enormous pile of silver. Legends tell of people climbing mountains to try to steal gold and silver from the sky, only to become lost wandering forever amongst the silver stars.

That’s it for now, this monstrosity is long enough.

[gayidungeon]

Gronksgiving

You are at Thanksgiving dinner at your uncle Rob Gronkowski house, the football player for the New England Patriots. Everyone has left leaving you two alone to clean up. You have been doing this every year since you were little and it is always a good time.

Rob tossed a football in the air. His stomach hangs out. He ate so much. Your mom would be proud of what you did today.

"Hey, you can do better than that." You say as he throws another one.

He looks down and smiles. "Yeah, I know." As he pretends to fumble the ball and you fake out a catch. He looks surprised and smiles as you drop it. "Oh whoops, I guess it was a fumble after all!"

Gronk grins. "Hey come here, let me hike it to you" he says. He gets into a three point stance waiting for you to get behind him.

You get behind him and get into position; your head right infront of his massive ass. You know what he's planning, he does it every year to you. You let him though because he ways find it hilarious.

"Red 52, red 52" he says.

"Down. Set.." instead of saying hike, he shifts and rips a massive fart in your face. You always know when it's going to be bad one when he has a goofy grin while he does it. It burns your eyes and you fall on the ground choking.

"Oh come on, I said I was going to do that!" he laughs as you get up and rush him.

He hugs you tight. "I trick you into that every year."

"Yeah I know."

"How many years has it been now, eight?"

"Yeah. Hey, can we do something else now. Like wrestling."

Rob laughs again. "Sure thing buddy. You're on."

"SWEEEEEEET!"

You both change into your sweats and grab a Soda. Rob heads to his room and grabs the step ladder and stands in the middle of the room. "Ready?"

You love when he does this, it's one of the three favorite things you get to do every year. You nod eagerly and get crazy psyched up as he sets the ladder down.

"Wrestle!"

The wrestling match follows the same pattern it always does. You choke him with the rope, slap his fat stomach and get him in a head lock. He's so much bigger and stronger that he could probably out muscle you into submission but Rob has never taken advantage of that. For some reason he lets you get in these really good holds on him.

"Yep I'm winning" Rob says as he collapses on his sofa.

You tackle him extra hard, punching his shoulder pads as hard as you can. "I think you're losing."

"Nope, I'm still winning" he says through a laugh.

You climb on top of him and start wailing into his stomach as hard as you can. That's one of the other best parts about coming here, is how strong you feel after playing with Rob. Sometimes you think he's part ogre. "Ok, ok stop." He says shielding his face.

You don't stop.

"Stop or I'm going to start farting" Gronk threatens you.

You laugh and continue hitting him. He grabs you hand and flips over pushing all of his weight on top of you as you hit the ground hard.

"See I told you I was going to win" Rob says in between laughing.

You look up at him. "Only because you cheated."

"I did not!"

"You broke the rules, no cheating!" You smack his belly. It jiggles like the moon in the water.

"Ooooooh you're going to pay for that." Rob says as he mimics tearing off your arms and beating you with them.

"No, I think your punishment should be a stinkface" Rob says. You know what that is. It's one of the worst things ever.

"You got to be kidding me." You beg as he sits on your chest.

"Nope."

As you try and fail to push him off he grabs your wrists and puts them behind your back. You feel your arm wiggle around as his massive butt thrusts into your face. "Stop, please stop." You whimper as your nose is hit by a wall of awful.

"You can always give up" he laughs.

You try and fail to get him off you as he sits on your nose. You're crying, tears flying everywhere and dripping off his cheeks. You'd laugh if you weren't crying for real.

"And here it comes" Rob flexes as he starts farting in your face.

"NO STOP!" you yell as he flexes his butt muscles one last time and holds the pose. Mucus flies out of your nose and into your mouth, it tastes awful.

"Go on. Say you love uncle gronk's farts"

You push and struggle but you can't get him off of you. Your face is soaked in tears, snot and nasty gas as Rob laughs at your misery. Eventually you give in and whisper it. "I love uncle gronk's farts."

He finally gets up and lets you go. You let out a yell as the tears keep coming and you lay on the ground hopeless.

"I think that's the most fun I've ever had" He says as he pulls his shorts back up and waddles over to you. You wince as he picks you up easily. He sits down on the sofa and you sit in his lap as he puts his arm around you. You bury your head in his fat chest as the tears finally stop. The smell is still there, but it's fading slowly. He gently pushes your head back so he can look at you.

"Thought we were done with that." He laughs as he pats your head softly.

"Sorry, I just get emotional sometimes." You explain as you wipe your nose on his sleeve.

"It's OK, but I got a question. Why in the hell did you pick me?"

"What do you mean? You're the only option besides my parents." You say confused.

"Yeah but I'm a weirdo and you know it."

You pause for a moment as you try and think of an answer. "The truth?"

"Of course.

"You're the closest thing to a father I have. I know you're weird and all but I like it. You take care of me and stuff when you're not being a jerk."

"I thought you hated me because of all the farting." Gronk says.

"Yeah sometimes you're horrible, but I know deep down you're a nice guy. I'll put up with your stupid shenanigans because despite it all I think you care." You pat his belly. It's not as hard as a few months ago, you know it won't be long before he gets back to his regular flabby self.

"I had no idea." He says as he hugs you closer.

You wince as feel his sweaty belly fat against you. It's gross and smelly but right now it feels warm and welcoming.

"I love you too buddy" He whispers in your ear as you bury deeper into his embrace.

You hear him fart into the couch cushions. "Well you asked for it" he laughs as you laugh to yourself thinking about how crazy your life is.

"Well as long as it's not in my face" you say to him.

"That'sif you're lucky kid".

"What do you mean?"

"I love farting on faces." Gronk says. "I love seeing the looks of shame and horror on their faces."

You sit up as he laughs. "Well it's an acquired taste."

"Haha kid you'll get there soon enough". You lean back and snuggle into his belly again. "I love you Gronk, I really do."

His stubbly chin rubs against your forehead as he chuckles out loud.

[lephilodi]

Settling In (D&D RP Ch. 3)

We set out shortly after I had gathered what was important to me, namely my books and the various pieces of literature I had...kept in my possession from home. I tried to get them to wait until dark, but they were rather insistent on leaving as soon as possible. I suppose I will have to come back for my aquarium, mushrooms, and other belongings.

It was today I learned that Luciel is actually a bard of the College of Creation, as he produced a parasol for me out of thin air. Very courteous of him. It was only a few hours to get to their town thankfully, but upon my insistence, they took me to a relatively safe place in the forest not too far away, where they had stashed some strange vehicle of theirs and covered it in vines. Then they were off to celebrate their victory, leaving me alone again in the ever-darkening wood.

I watched as the stars slowly began to appear from the skies. Some of my people despised them, but I always found them to be beautiful. After all, life has no color without light, leaving creatures pale and blind...

Pale and blind, just like the one who had ruined my life. Erebossk.

I truly try not to let my thoughts linger on him. I chose to leave that life behind, thanks to help from a friend. I try to reminisce on what he taught me, rather than what I had lost.

Thankfully, sometime after the midnight hour had passed, Kala and Luciel emerged from the shadows between the dark trunks. I floated down from the top of the vehicle to greet them, but something was clearly bothering them. <I didn't expect to see you back already.>

It was Luciel who spoke first. "Heyyyy Lephi. We have a question for you."

Something is definitely off. What happened in town? <Alright... go ahead.>

Luciel hesitates for a moment again before speaking. "What's a spelljammer?"

I immediately straighten up, rooted to the spot. <Well, I know you can't read or understand Qualith. And I doubt you knew that word before. Can you tell me where you learned it?>

Both the elf and the firbolg simultaneously answer, "No.”

Okay, this is immensely suspicious, and I don't like it. I'm praying to Ao that I won't have to wrestle away Luciel's bag of holding, as it currently had my books, star maps, and schematics inside. <Very well. Spelljammers are ships designed to travel between planes and through realmspace. Even to other crystal spheres. Does that satisfy your curiosity?>

Kala spoke, "For now, yes."

“We were also told some...things, some negative things about you. But we don’t believe they’re true.” Luciel looks up at me, but I can still see some uncertainty in his eyes.

<Well, in that case, it’s probably all true.> I won’t deny what my people are, what we do. What I did.

Kala steps forward again. “Well, we don’t believe them. Not when it comes to you.”

<I appreciate that young ones. But I can see you are tired. You should go and get some sleep.>

The pair eventually went back into town to rest after checking on me. I got as comfortable as I could in the seat on top of...whatever this device is, and decided to rest with one eye open tonight.

Thankfully the next morning, the whole party seemed much more chipper, though Galvar seems to be suffering from a bit of a hangover. Kala removed the plants and vines from the strange conglomeration of devices below me, revealing some sort of crab tank with a set of four ballistas attached to the top, and I realized with some concern that I had been sleeping in the hot seat. Luciel crawled into the tank portion to pilot it, while Kala crawled up to the seat where I was sitting and deposited herself in my lap. She had in hand what appeared to be two halves of a coconut and began clapping them together as we began moving, somehow accelerating the pace of the whole group. Must be some strange magical item. We set off before the sun gets too high in the sky, headed north into Neverwinter Wood.

By mid-afternoon we arrived at a very run-down manse in the middle of the forest. Pumpkin patches surrounded a large house completely covered in ivy. It looked certainly worse for wear, especially with a boar's head carved into the front door. I close my eyes and open up my psionic field to get familiar with the small region around the manse as the others go over their plan on how to get rid of the gulthias tree in the manse's well, sensing four beings of low intelligence within the manse, likely the vine blights they speak of.

I follow as they head inside, floating over the broken wood of busted down doors, and out into the courtyard of the manse. Before me was indeed a well, from which great, thick vines erupted, spreading out across the flagstones. I readied my whip just in case, as I could sense the creatures down inside the well.

Luciel created a great length of chain from thin air with his magic, slowly lowering it in a circle all the way around the tree. And... Ilsensine above, Crete is flying.

I look over to Galvar to see him grinning up at the minotaur. I suppose he learned a new spell. Kala has her flame scimitar at the ready, and they begin the attack.

Combat with the blights is mercifully short and swift, leaving only the tree in their wake. The caster's flame-based spells making short work of the tree, even if Crete's halberd sent blood-like sap spraying everywhere. Finally, Kala casts her own Blight spell, and the tree withers away to dust, leaving the well empty.

<Well, I think this place could use a serious clean-up.> I pull the dehydrated cleaning cubes from inside my sleeve, going to the kitchen to submerge them in water and set them to work.

I come back out to the courtyard to the other four discussing what to do next.

"I think it would make the most sense for Crete and I to go to Neverwinter, so we can sell our loot and see what we can have made with the dragon parts," Luciel explains. “And we’ll look for some builders to fix this place up and maybe set up some outbuildings. Plus I have this sweet stuffed winter wolf head we found to give to Falcon, since he seems to really like stuffed heads of sentient beings. Y’know, just a nice gesture from the new neighbors.”

Oh I really don’t like that. I’m all for keeping repurposed skulls for pots, but at least those were once my food. I lessened the amount of waste from my kills. But I’d rather not have my own head on this...”Falcon’s” wall.

Kala’s also speaks up, “And I’ve got that spider silk weave I commissioned at the Coster to go pick up in town.”

“Then I’ll get started on that secret room for Lephilodi that we were talking about at the bottom of the well!” Galvar says cheerily. “Is that alright with you Miss Lephilodi? We thought it would be the best way to keep you safe when the builders are here.”

<Oh, I see. Well, as long as I have a bed and some space, I suppose it can’t be much worse than Axeholm. And I prefer to be awake at night anyways.>

“Aye! And we’ll set up a hidden door as best we can so no one can bother ye!” exclaimed the dwarf.

<I suppose that will do for now. Thank you.>

“In that case, we’re off!” shouts Luciel jubilantly, as he turns Crete into a giant eagle in front of my very eyes.

Crete plucks up Luciel in his claws and they soon are out of view beyond the trees.

Well that was interesting...

Kala shape-shifts into a wolf and heads for town while Galvar lowers himself into the well to start excavating. I decide to make myself busy and check on the cleaning cubes. They’re not too far along yet, but this will give me time to look around the house.

Unfortunately, the roof of the kitchen is caved in, and the doors on the lower level are all broken for the most part. Most of the furniture is broken, so I do my part and toss all the unsalvageable wood outside with telekinesis. This feels like settling into Axeholm all over again. However, I am delighted to find a laboratory, a library, and a bathing room that still has warm, running water. That’s good, I’ll need a bath later once this room is cleaned as well. There is one master bedroom along with what likely used to be an apprentices’ bedroom, though the latter had a giant hole in the floor and was even more filthy than the prior rooms. Thank goodness the cubes work quickly.

Towards the end of the day, I sense Kala return from town, and I go out to meet her. Galvar comes back out of the well and goes inside to wash up for a moment. Good, I’ve been wanting to ask Kala about something.

I try to speak with my gentlest voice. <Kala, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Are you...okay? You seemed even more upset than Luciel last night, and...when we first met I could tell you were trying to hide a secret from me. But I did not pry because that is not my place.>

Kala looks up at me swiftly. “Oh! Yes, well...I’m not a firbolg. I’m a changeling. I’m fine now, I promise. It’s just that some things that we were told about you, I’ve also heard said about my kind. That’s why I was upset.”

Ah. So that’s what this one has been hiding. <I see. I know little of your kind personally, but I can assure you I have no qualms against you. After all, that would be rather hypocritical of me wouldn’t it?> I project some amusement to help put her at ease before Galvar comes trotting back outside.

With Kala’s help and her Stone Shape spell, they are able to work a bit longer. I decide to head up to that much needed bath as they do so. Thank Ilsensine, the cubes are finished in here. I draw the warm water and strip out of my cleric’s robes. Even with the ivy blocking the windows, I can still see just fine in the darkened room...and I can still see the scars that criss-cross my light skin. Some were accidentally self-inflicted, learning experiences on my body from my time studying how to use a blade-whip. Others...were not. I try not to dwell on them as I sink into the tub of warm water, and I let out a physical sigh of relief. It’s so hard to stay hydrated when you don’t produce your natural mucus anymore. A symptom of my strange diet, but maybe after eating the dragon’s brain, my skin will start slicking down again. But until then, lotions will have to suffice. I soak myself for a while, occasionally shifting to get everything in contact with the water despite my height, before getting out and doing my skincare routine. I put my dampsuit back on afterwards and then my robe, stepping back out of the steam-filled bathing room only to be met by Galvar.

He snapped and pointed his forefingers and thumb towards me, shooting me a wink before he drawls out, “Lookin’ good.”

I immediately feel my face flush white. Was that a compliment???

Galvar immediately started freaking out. “I am so, so sorry, it was supposed to be a joke! I didn’t mean to freak you out!!!”

<G-Galvar, it’s just blush. We blush white, it’s okay. I just...I think it’s time we all get some rest...>

[sourcherrybomb]

SoKai Week 2020 - Day 2 - For ____ Eyes Only

Synopsis: During the time period Kairi was within Sora’s heart, she kept a handy mental diary of all the places and people she encountered. Let’s take a peek at it, shall we?

Sneak Peek: I’ve been in Sora’s heart for a little bit as of now. It’s a nice kind of… warm, if that makes sense. Like a perfect sunny day on the Islands. Knowing what kind of person Sora is, it’s unsurprising.

Tags: Light Romance, Adventure, Comedy, All Ages, F/M

Prompt for the Day: First Meeting / Unseen Adventures

Words: 3.5k

Fanart By: @softpinkbee​

Entry 1: Welcome to Sora’s Heart. Population: 1 (I think)

Sooo… This is a thing that’s happening. All because of a stupid, literal world ending storm.

Oh wait, aren’t I supposed to start with “Dear Diary”? Not like I’m physically writing in a journal since I don’t have a body anymore… Ugh, Sora and Riku would probably poke fun at me if they found out that I kept one. Well sorry that I like to be sentimental and have a way of remembering and planning our future adventures, lazy bums.

I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? I’ll do this once to get it over with.

Hello there (mental) diary, my name is Kairi! I’m 14 years old and I lived on the Destiny Islands before I somehow ended up in Sora’s (my BFF and lazy bum #1) heart. That little mishap took place right after I met this weird old guy in brown robes in our Secret Place. I don’t know where Riku (my other BFF and lazy bum #2) ended up, but somehow Sora got sucked into a black hole that sent him… Or is it us? To another world called Traverse Town.

I mean the boys and I always planned to travel to other worlds, just not like this. We were supposed to travel by raft, I was supposed to have a body, and it was going to be all three of us… Okay maybe I asked Sora if he wanted to go alone with me, only to end up chickening out at the last moment, but this current situation is not what I had in mind!

Apparently these monsters called the Heartless destroyed our world, sending us to Traverse Town. I feel bad. 

Sora was lost and alone. I knew because I felt it in his heart.

Luckily, Sora has met a lot of new people since arriving. There were these two girls, Aerith and Yuffie, that I would have loved to talk and meet with. Selphie definitely would have loved to meet Aerith, she was so pretty! Besides them, Sora also met this edgy guy named Leon (who kicked his butt) and a cranky old mechanic named Cid. More importantly, Sora met this talking duck and dog named Donald and Goofy. They’re pretty entertaining, so I hope they can keep Sora company since I can’t speak to him and we lost Riku.

I’ve been in Sora’s heart for a little bit as of now. It’s a nice kind of… warm, if that makes sense. Like a perfect sunny day on the Islands. Knowing what kind of person Sora is, it's unsurprising.

I just can’t shake off the feeling that there’s something… no, someone else in here.

Entry 2: Topsy? Turvy? Definitely Crazy.

Is it possible to have an out-of-body experience and a fever dream at the same time? Because that’s what Wonderland feels like.

Geez, where do I even start with this one? I guess with the talking rabbit entering the talking doorknob? Granted that rabbit was kind of cute, if not panicky. I could get used to that. Sora shrinking and entering a place full of playing card soldiers and a cat with a decapitated head (I think? He reattached it) are things that are going to take a bit to get used to.

Gosh, that feels like the understatement of the century.

I knew other worlds would be different than the islands. It’s just that going from a quiet city to a place where gravity is bonkers and playing cards can kill a person makes a girl really question what’s out there.

I wish I could take pictures so people would believe my words. Luckily this cricket named Jiminy has a journal where he keeps track of Sora’s journey. He stays safe inside Sora’s hood, so it’s sort of like we’re neighbors and journal buddies! I’d love to give him my point of view on things once I get my body back.

Oh one other thing before I forget, there was this one girl named Alice. I don’t know why, but she was giving off this really familiar aura. I couldn’t help but feel oddly drawn to her.

I feel like this won’t be the first time we come into contact with her.

Entry 3: Anyone else hear horns?

Like seriously, Sora and I both hear horns coming from this world, but neither of us have any idea as to where they’re coming from. This (extremely small) world is the Olympus Coliseum.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy got thrown into some challenges and ended up fighting waves of Heartless. Really makes me think about how I should have tried sword fighting with Sora and Riku. Sure, I’ve picked up some things by just watching them, but I think actually practicing with them would have helped me in the long run. I mean, I totally could have fought off that weird guy in the brown robes.

Ugh, just thinking about him gives me bad vibes. 

Going back to the challenges, Sora totally got his butt handed to him by this guy, Cloud. It was way worse than the loss Sora took against Leon, I don’t think Cloud was holding back. 

I’m thankful he didn’t finish Sora off. Partly because he’s my best friend, but also because if Sora bites the dust, then I’m also gone. It was rough seeing Sora lose again, but watching him take out a giant three-headed dog right after certainly was a sight. Although I swear I heard Hercules whisper to his little red friend, Phil, next to him that he weakened the monster. 

Maybe. But since it felt like I was fighting alongside him, I’m not ready to count Sora out just yet. He’s grown so much stronger day after day.

Entry 4: Note to Self, Never Let Sora Drive

You know, if the three of us did leave on that raft as planned, I always had a feeling that Sora might fight with Riku over where to take us. Sora’s never been one for his directional skills, that was always more Riku’s forte. Because of this, I always mentally prepared myself for the event where Sora would get us super lost.

WHAT I DIDN’T MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF WAS FOR SORA TO CAUSE A GIANT SPACESHIP TO CRASH BECAUSE HE ARGUED WITH A TALKING DUCK!!!

That’s not even where it ends! This Deep Jungle is nuts! There’s a leopard that’ll attack you like every five steps, there was a giant Heartless that turned invisible, and Sora even got a gun fired at it! Granted that last one was because of some hunter jerk with a stupid mustache, but if he’s from this world, he’s part of the problem.

The only saving grace was the fact that there are giant tree trunks that act like slides and as many vines to swing on as I wanted to. Tarzan has got to give me some tips when I have the chance to meet him, it was like he was flying through the trees! I’d honestly enjoy the chance to talk to Jane myself as well. She seems so smart and would have so much to talk about. I think she’d make pleasant conversation. That being said, when she showed Sora a picture of a castle in the slideshow, I couldn’t shake this sense of… familiarity. Like I had seen it or something like it before. But where…?

Even though this world and I got off on the wrong foot, once I get my body back, I’m definitely making Sora bring me here so I can do all that!

Although I still have no idea how that’s gonna happen.

Entry 5: I don’t know why, but this place feels oddly familiar

Today may have just been one of the best days I’ve had since I’ve been living in Hotel Sora’s Heart, over here!

For starters, dogs. Sooooo many dogs! Leon told Sora about all of these Dalmatian puppies that got scattered across the various worlds. They’ve been taking the time to rescue all 101 of them, and they’re absolutely adorable! Ahhhhhh, I can only imagine playing with everyone one of them.

Secondly, I’m finding Traverse Town a lot more comforting than I originally did. Something about the tall building walls makes me feel nostalgic. I never was from the Islands to begin with, but where I originally came from is a mystery to me. I don’t think it was Traverse Town, but maybe it was another city. I’m sure that in travelling to other worlds, I might be able to remember more!

Today I even got to talk to Sora a little bit, albeit by accident, when he and his friends wandered into this old tower. I looked around and said to myself that it reminds me of the Secret Place, all dark and surrounded by stone. I never expected Sora to hear or see me! I had so much more to say, but when this wizard guy showed up, Sora couldn’t hear me anymore.

But that’s not even the best news: Right after, Sora ended up running into Riku! He’s safe! It was brief, Riku ended up disappearing moments after, but now we know he’s out there and can protect himself. Sora was even able to protect Riku from one of the Heartless!

Never thought I’d see that day where the roles were switched. It suits Sora.

Entry 6: I hate sand.

I may find not having a body to be a major inconvenience, but for once I’m quite pleased at the fact considering Agrabah, the world Sora and his friends just left, was full of sand.

At its worst, sand was rough, coarse, and irritating. It already got into my clothes back on the Islands, but around here I’d imagine it gets everywhere.

That being said, this world has got to be one of the most adventurous we’ve been to so far! Desert temples filled with treasure, magical genies, all in a faraway kingdom? It’s like all the games Sora, Riku, and I used to play when we were younger. If only Riku joined with Sora back in Traverse Town, he would have loved this!

One odd thing though, we ran into another woman, Princess Jasmine, who gave me the same vibes as Alice! Turns out she’s more than just a regular old princess, but one with special powers. I wonder what it could all mean...

Entry 7: Did you know that the stomach would eat itself without the mucus lining its walls? 

Back on the Islands when Sora, Riku, and I made plans to leave on the raft, we always wondered what kind of animals we’d see. The one that would always pop into our minds was a whale since they might be big enough to swallow us whole.

We always laughed it off and went back to working or playing, so actually getting swallowed whole by one feels very ironic. It’s a lot grosser than I thought it would be. Smells like fish everywhere you go, so I really hope Sora, Donald, and Goofy take some showers once they leave.

This whale named Monstro even swallowed this old man and his son, Gepetto and Pinnochio. The latter is somehow a walking, talking puppet!

But what’s even crazier is that out of all the worlds, Riku shows up here, only to kidnap Pinnochio! And not just that, I think he knows where my body is. Geez, Riku was being a real jerk about it, though. Said that Sora was fooling around and not helping, when I know for a fact that he’s doing more that Riku has! I mean, I’m in the guy’s heart, that’s gotta count for something!

I wish I could tell Riku that all this time, Sora has been protecting me. I know I give him a hard time every now and then, but out of all the people in the world, I’m really glad I ended up in his heart.

Entry 8: Rival Redhead Acquired

I know that my last entries make me seem like a jealous person, but mental diary, trust me when I say that I’m not usually one to be envious of others.

Until now.

Being in Sora’s heart, I sort of get a feel for his emotions. By all means, even without being inside him, Sora is pretty much an open book to begin with. It’s just that in being directly connected to his heart, I can feel almost every emotion he has. That includes the mess of emotions he felt when he came into contact with this mermaid named Ariel.

Yup, a mermaid. Atlantica is full of them.

It’s a pretty cool world! There are sunken pirate ships, an underwater kingdom, even a giant sea witch that Sora defeated! But nope, the thing that makes Sora’s heart flutter is another red head when he already has one right here! Ughhh, I’m really glad this diary isn’t physical, I might die if Sora or Riku ever found out I think stuff like this.

Still, Ariel isn’t a bad person so it’s not that I dislike her. She also loves adventure and wants to see other worlds. Moving past my jealousy, I think I’d love to be friends with her some day. Ariel and I are similar, but I think I at least have something over her.

Sometimes when Sora talks about me, he gets this squeezing feeling in his heart. Now I’m not gonna let Sora or Riku tease me over my feelings, I’m sure gonna tease Sora about his once I get my body back.

Entry 9: A lot more tricks than treats!

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. I enjoy going around to houses and getting candy, but I enjoy scaring Sora even more so. I mean, I definitely did that outside of Halloween, it’s just that the holiday made it feel special.

Needless to say, Sora finding a world exclusively dedicated to it is probably one of the best things I’ve ever found out! When Sora, Donald, and Goofy arrived, they even got special outfits to blend in! With Sora being a vampire, I could see Riku being a werewolf, but when it comes to me, I can’t choose between being a witch or a scarecrow.

There are even monsters! There was a talking skeleton who was surprisingly nice, a mad doctor, and a giant living sack of bugs! (It was super gross when he was defeated.) Sora got a bit squirmy when he died, so I really wish I was there to double down and make Sora sora yell out loud!

I definitely want to go to Halloween Town when all of this is said and done.

Entry 10: I miss candy…

So Halloween Town was fun for the thrills and chills, but felt severely lacking in candy. I may be a disembodied heart without a body, but my heart aches for something sweet! Which is why the 100 Acre Wood was torture for me.

Pooh Bear and I would get along. He loves honey, I love candy, it’s like we’re two peas in a pod. I too would probably get myself stuck inside a tree if I was desperate enough for a sweet snack. 

Pooh’s other animal friends are all so cuddly and adorable! Out of the cutest, I’d have trouble choosing between Piglet or Roo. Tigger reminds me of the stuffed animals I keep in my room. Part of me really wants to hold onto him and see if he can bounce around with me on it, like a pogo stick! When it comes to Eeyore, in all honesty I kind of just want to give him a hug...

Honestly this place is a nice change of pace. No Heartless to be found, it’s always a clear and sunny day out. When it’s night time there aren’t any clouds so you can see all the stars in the sky. I remember all the stories that Sora used to tell me about the constellations instead of learning how to find his way with them. That was more Riku’s job.

I’m glad to know that what I’m feeling when I look up at the sky, Sora is feeling the same. Take your time and relax, you’ve earned it.

Entry 11: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Sora, Donald, and Goofy!

Forget swinging through trees, forget playing with countless puppies, and forget scaring Sora, when I get my body back, I’m making Sora take me to Neverland so I can fly up high in the skies!

Wait no Kairi, focus, there are more pressing things at matter. Mainly, Riku has become a full on jerk, has sided with the Heartless, and is dragging my lifeless body around with him! I mean, my eyes were open, but my body was basically a ragdoll without me in it. I mean on the brightside, Sora was absolutely brimming with joy when he realized my body was safe.

That may or may not have made me feel an indescribable amount of joy and embarrassment, mind you.

I mentioned having an out of body experience in Wonderland, but having a literal one felt even weirder. When Sora got close enough it was possible for me to twitch my hand a little, sort of like I was reconnecting with my body. Sucks that it ended up being dragged away, I was this close to getting it back. What sucks even more is that Riku ended up fleeing to this Hollow Bastion place with it.

Still it wasn’t all bad. Body or not, I was still able to fly around with Sora. He doubted that I’d believe him if he told me.

I don’t think he’d believe me if I told him what I’ve been up to in his heart.

Entry 12: Riku…

I’m back in my body. I wish it was as simple as Sora making contact with it, but things took a turn for the worse this time around.

I need to start from the beginning.

Right before we reached Hollow Bastion, Sora was able to connect with me. He awoke a memory of mine that I’d long forgotten since I came to the island: my favorite story that my grandmother would always tell me. Remembering it gave me this warm feeling, one that intensified when we arrived at Hollow Bastion. 

Only to have that feeling crushed when Riku took the Keyblade from Sora.

I’m glad Sora was able to get it back and knock some sense into Riku, but for a moment Sora really felt at his lowest. Sora was able to become his old self again, but deep in his heart was so much hurt at the fact that he lost Riku to the darkness. Not just any darkness, but from this man named Ansem. He was the one who revealed I was inside Sora’s  heart. Sora was able to beat the possessed Riku, but in the end he made a sacrifice I don’t think I could ever pay him back for.

Losing Sora in my arms made me feel even more useless than I did while I was inside his heart. Interestingly enough, when my heart left Sora’s body, I felt another leave as well. It wasn’t like Sora’s heart, but certainly had similar vibes to it.

Regardless, somehow I was able to bring him back from being a Heartless, but the feeling of losing him in my arms like that is something I don’t want to experience again.

We ended up leaving Hollow Bastion shortly after that. When Sora and I were alone, I was finally able to tell Sora that I was with him the entire time. I had so much I wanted to tell him, but there wasn’t enough time in the world. Not to mention all the unfinished business we had back at Hollow Bastion. I wanted to come with Sora, but he was right. It is dangerous, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t really have any ways to protect myself...

I gave Sora my lucky charm. Wherever he goes, I’ll be there with him.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

Entry 13: For Our Eyes Only

Hi there diary, this might be the last time I update this formerly mental journal. 

Sora’s gone off on another adventure to save Riku. He saved all of the worlds, but wasn’t able to save his best friend. If I was in Sora’s shoes, which I might as well have been, I would have done the same thing for either of them. As for me, I’m back on the islands safe and sound. Part of me wanted to jump across the darkness and into Sora’s arms once more. But after fighting for so long to keep me safe, I think the best I can do for Sora is to let this one wish come true.

I know he’ll come back for me. After all, he still needs to give me back my lucky charm. And when he does, I’ll make sure to give him this handwritten diary to help him understand just exactly what I went through on this adventure. No…

Our adventure.

---

When I started this fic, I was honestly thinking about dropping it and starting from scratch with a new idea. Quite frankly, I’m glad I decided to keep at it. I’m pretty proud of the result and feel that I’ve made a somewhat creative little oneshot!

Once again, thank you to the Sokai: Destined Oath Discord server for introducing me to SoKai Week 2020! Special thanks to the server member Gee for acting as my Beta Reader.

Thanks for Reading!

[raihan-official]

hello i love dragon pokemon. are they difficult to train? (I find you charming!)

Awe thanks bro! But I'll have you know, dragon type pokemon are the hardest to train. It can take years to simply evolve your pokemon even if you're a dragon type trainer. If you are ever thinking of adopting or catching one as a trainer here are my recommendations.

Trapinch-Flygon: Easy to take care of as long as you don't mind getting bitten every once and a while. (A vacuum for all the sand is a MUST HAVE)

Jangmo-o - Kommo-o: They evolve quite quickly, but Hakamo-o shed a lot of scales. These warrior pokemon tend to be pretty tough to wrangle if you don't raise them from a young age. (Do not catch unless you plan on raising it for the long game. Lots abandon their Kommo-o and Hakamo-o and they have to be put down.)

Dratini-Dragonite: Prised among trainers, Dragonite are fairly intelligent and can fare well on their own in human environments. Dratini and Dragonair need bodies of water to cool themselves in.

Swalbu-Altaria: Swalbu and Altaria are very peaceful, so they aren't too fighty. Just make sure you have lots of space for them to fly around and play. Their down getting on your upholstery is inevitable.

Here are some that aren't so good if you aren't experienced.

Goomy-Goodra: they are adorable but they leave their mucus everywhere.

Deino-Hydriegon: Deino have so much energy and take a lot of training to evolve. Zwelious' heads constantly fight with each other and are positively unbearable. Hydriegon loose their legs in evolution so their wings need to be able to support them when mobile, so their need to have extensive flight training.

Axew-Haxorous: they are unbelievably heavy, and on top of that, they eat lots. The blade like protrusions on their mouth make marks onto your doorframes. There have been lots of cases of Haxorus' accidentally beheading blokes who don't realize they're nearby.