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currantlee · 4 months ago

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After their final, final battle against Xehanort and in light of the previous night, Kairi's personal issues come to a head. Meanwhile, Sora is dealing with the effects of her sacrifice.

~ 2.5k Words. Rated T (Teens and Older). Touches topics surrounding death and mental health struggles. Read it here or on Ao3

The surface rippled ever so slightly, like water (though Sora was pretty sure it wasn’t water), when their feet touched the ground. It was quiet now, peaceful once more, now that Xehanort was gone once and for all. Sora felt comfortable to remove her scrunchie and let her hair flow freely. There wasn’t a breeze to tousle it so it just kinda fell, sticking together. Sweat? Yeah, probably from the sweat, she felt gross. Sora shook her head to alleviate the stiffness, and to feel the air on her scalp. Yup, that was much better.

The Final World was a beautiful place, unlike anything Sora had ever imagined something like it would be – not that those ideas had ever been more than some vague concepts. It was like standing in the middle of a vast summer sky on a sunny afternoon, pleasantly warm and calm, yet somewhat surreal at the very same time. Nonetheless, Sora felt at peace here, relaxed, moreso than any other place she’d been in her life, and she had been to lots of amazing places. Even her notorious scatterbrain felt somewhat more clear here. Maybe it was because its limitations didn’t exist here – Sora could perceive everything around her at the same time, not like much was happening here anyway, and therefore her focus didn’t jump the same way it usually did. It was like being a part of the universe itself, being one with it, and the universe was limitless. Maybe that was what death meant – simply becoming a different part of a greater whole, returning to it.

The feeling in her hand faded, until it almost wasn’t there anymore. The feeling – or lack thereof – was familiar already. Sora didn’t even have to look at it anymore to know her hand wasn’t quite there anymore. It had become translucent – no, it was vanishing, ceasing to exist within this universe, wherever that might be.

Come to think of it, what was beyond the universe? Was there even a beyond? If death meant becoming a different part of the universe, what did ceasing to exist in it mean? Now that Sora finally had space to really think about it – she couldn’t deny that it scared her, not knowing what lies beyond.

Regardless, she couldn’t say she regretted it. Sure, Sora would have liked to return home alongside everyone else, keep living and laughing alongside them, but… If it meant everyone else could, that was alright with her.

“Why did you do it?”

“Huh?”

Sora turned to Kairi. She stuffed her translucent hand into the pocket of her skirt. The feeling in it was returning, just like it had every other time this had happened, but it was never the same. The more times it disappeared and reappeared, the less real it felt. It was like she wasn’t fully returning, and like more of her vanished into the beyond each time. At first, it had only been her fingertips. Now it was her whole hand, and Sora was sure it wouldn’t stop there.

Kairi had tears in her eyes. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed whatever is going on with your hand!”

Well, that was one thing less to worry about. Not that Sora hadn’t planned on telling Kairi eventually – she just wasn’t sure how to go about it. Kairi was already hurting, and the last thing Sora wanted was to make it worse. Not telling her wasn’t an option either though, so the least she could do was to try and make it less difficult for her.

“It’s not like I wanted to,” she explained. “But I just happened to be there, and if I hadn’t done it, it would have been over. Honestly, I didn’t think about it too hard.”

“But why for me?”

Sora winced at how shrill Kairi’s voice had gotten from all the pain behind it.

“I messed up, Sora, I hurt you, I’m a mess, and I couldn’t even pull myself together enough to not get everyone in danger! If I had only been able to do more… If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be… I’m not good enough!”

It hurt seeing Kairi like this – especially because she was wrong. “It wasn’t just for you, Kairi.”

“Don’t say that just to make me feel better!”

“I’m not, I promise.”

“But…”

Tears were running down Kairi’s cheeks now, and Sora could see her shoulders tremble. She wanted nothing more than to hug her, or at least put a hand on her shoulder, but Kairi seemed like she needed some space to sort herself out.

“But then… Why?”

“Because not doing it wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Except, you wouldn’t be here, that is.” Sora smiled, but it wasn’t out of joy. As good as it would feel to cry together, she knew it wouldn’t help Kairi.

“Maybe it would be better if I wasn’t.”

Sora swallowed. Despite everything, it still shocked her that Kairi was in that much pain. The worst part was, she knew there wasn’t much she could do for her, except hopefully make at least the burdens that had to do with her a bit easier to bear.

“Like I said, I didn’t really think about it. I only knew there was no one left but me, and I wasn’t going to give up,” she reiterated. “I didn’t realize the consequences until it was already too late, so when I knew I could save you and not doing it would only delay the inevitable… I mean, why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I don’t deserve it,” Kairi said quietly.

Sora sighed. It hurt to see Kairi like this. She wanted nothing more than to see her happy, but she also knew that Kairi’s issues ran deep, and addressing them would take time – time she was running out of. She was never going to see Kairi being happy, or even if she was ever going to be, and that was probably what frustrated her the most about the entire situation. At least, she had a chance for happiness now.

“It doesn’t matter what I do, Sora,” Kairi continued. “I could be the best fighter and save the worlds all on my own, it still wouldn’t be enough, and besides, we both know I’m not. In fact, Xehanort even getting what he wanted is my fault! I could have stayed on the islands, and I’d be an even more useless outsider-freak than I already am. Like, I don’t even know what people expect from me! And the worst part is, it never stops!”

Kairi sobbed. “I did everything I could to fit in back home, but I felt miserable and it wasn’t even of any use. I tried to help you guys out, and all I did was to cause more trouble. I got your hopes up too, didn’t I?”

She had, and it hurt. Sora wondered if she had been too pushy when it came to sleeping together – it had felt like a heat of the moment thing at the time, but in hindsight… Then again, Kairi had been the one to suggest sharing a paopu fruit, which was what had started all this in the first place. Part of Sora wondered now if she had really meant it, or if she was just confused. Judging by Kairi’s mood, probably the latter, but that didn’t make Sora feel any better about it all.

“I knew it. I can’t do anything right, I’ll always be berated by someone regardless!”

Sora pressed her lips together. “I’m not berating you.” Her voice sounded quieter than what she had intended.

“But you are!” Kairi snapped. “Just like everyone else is! You all just don’t say anything, as if I didn’t already know that I can’t do anything right! But I’ll tell you something, I’m not dumb! I know what you’re thinking.”

Okay, now she was really going too far. Sora crossed her arms. “Look, I’m not gonna pretend I’m completely fine and unaffected with what happened between us, but I can see you’re hurting, so…”

“Don’t pretend like you’re not mad at me!” Kairi interrupted her. “I know you are!”

“I think you’re projecting now.”

“I’m not projecting!” Kairi shouted. She sighed. “Look, Sora, I… I’m sorry, for everything. I know it’s all my fault, you don’t have to tell me! I don’t know what to do anymore, Sora, okay? Why can’t everyone just leave me alone so I can finally do something, anything right? I don’t want to be this way anymore! Why can’t everyone stop judging me? Why can’t you stop judging me?”

“Kairi, I’m dying , and this is seriously what we’re arguing about?!” Sora immediately regretted saying that, seeing as Kairi was clearly in emotional distress. But she didn’t know what else to say. She didn’t want to spend the rest of her short time arguing with her best friend, but she also felt like nothing she could say was going to convince Kairi that whatever she had concluded in her head was reality, including how others thought and felt, was in fact not true. It was frustrating.

“Well, maybe stop berating me!” Kairi cried. “See, this is exactly what I’m talking about! Everyone always expects things from me, and I, you know, I just want to live my life, it’s hard enough as it is, especially when I know I’ll never be as good as Riku, or you! You don’t have to remind me all the time! But for some reason, people…”

Kairi suddenly fell silent, and it was kind of like time stopped for her briefly. The tears kept streaming down her face, but no new ones came. Even her sobs subsided, and her body became completely still. Sora wanted to say something, but she couldn’t think of anything appropriate.

“No,” she finally whispered. “ Me .”

That… Was not what Sora had expected. She tilted her head slightly, hoping Kairi would elaborate.

“It’s me, I’m the problem. I’m my problem. It’s been me all along.”

Her lip trembled, and only a moment later, she started crying again. Any frustration and anger Sora had felt before… It was gone, seeing her friend like this. She walked up to Kairi and carefully touched her shoulder, briefly at first, but when her friend didn’t seem apprehensive of the physical contact, she put a hand on her shoulder, the one that wasn’t fading… Yet.

“I’m sorry.” Sora didn’t know what else to say.

“No, I should be sorry,” Kairi sobbed. “For being a problem, and not even getting myself together when you’re…”

“Don’t,” Sora interrupted her. “Don’t apologize for feeling the way you do.”

“But… But…” Kairi sniffed. “You said…”

“I said what I said,” Sora cut her off quietly. She wasn’t going to deny that she had meant it. “But it’s hard to see you hurt like this.”

Kairi didn’t reply, so Sora decided to close what little distance remained between them by wrapping her arms around her, loosely and carefully at first, but when she felt Kairi hesitantly putting her hands on her back in response, she gently tightened the hug as Kairi rested her head against shoulder, continuing to cry quietly. Sora could feel the tears forming a wet spot on her shirt.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s okay…”

“It’s not okay!” Kairi sobbed. “Don’t you realize what this means?”

Yes – that it might be okay, if Kairi turned this realization into healing. It also meant that Sora wasn’t going to be there to see it, to finally see Kairi be happy, and it hurt to know that… But it also made her feel at peace somehow, reassured. Knowing that there was a real hope her death wouldn’t just drag Kairi deeper into that hole.

“If I’m the problem,” Kairi stated, “then I can’t fix myself! I mean, I’m just… Me, and clearly, I’m broken.”

“I disagree.” Sora didn’t even think about that statement for a single second. “If you’re the problem, you can become the solution.”

Maybe she shouldn’t have said that – considering the state Kairi was in, she really hoped she wouldn’t take it the wrong way. Sora bit her lip.

But Kairi didn’t tear up again. In fact, her breathing calmed down and became regular. She stopped crying, but she didn’t stop hugging Sora – she tightened the embrace, and Sora did the same while her hand vanished once more.

“I don’t want to lose you again,” Kairi mumbled.

“I don’t want to go either,” Sora replied. Her vision became blurry, but not from vanishing. Now she was going to cry too.

Before she knew it, there they were, crying together.

Sora lost what little sense of time she had while they stood there – she genuinely had no idea how long it took both of them to calm down again. She only knew that she was trying to burn everything about Kairi into her memory – even if it might not matter in the end – in this moment. The way she sounded, the way she smelled, the way she felt, the way she hugged her.

It was a while before Kairi spoke up again. “There’s nothing we can do to change it, is there?” she whispered, and it sounded more like a matter of fact than a question.

‘No’, Sora wanted to say, ‘I’m sorry.’ And if there was, she’d do almost anything to stay. But Sora found that while she was moving her lips, while she was using her vocal chords like she normally would for talking, no sound escaped her, and she could only shake her head. Despite everything though, she couldn’t say she regretted it, not if it meant that all of her friends were going to be safe, Kairi included. Especially if it meant Kairi had a shot at finding happiness, even if Sora wouldn’t be there to witness it.

Kairi loosened the hug and looked directly at her. Her eyes were still red from crying, and if Sora had to guess, hers were probably as well. They felt swollen.

“You know what?” Kairi said. “Let’s make the most of it then.”

Sora tilted her head, hoping Kairi would get that the gesture was meant as a question.

“Come on. I know you. You always want to do something .”

True, and there was so much stuff she still wanted to do, even though some of it she knew she didn’t have the time left for. But other things… She wanted to go on a date with Kairi if that was alright with her, not even a romantic one necessarily. Just hang out and spend some time together like they used to. She wanted to see her other friends too.

“Let’s make it happen then,” Kairi said, and extended her hand. “Lead the way.”

Sora smiled when she took Kairi’s hand, with her own that hadn’t started to vanish yet so she could really feel how it felt to hold Kairi’s hand. To her delight, a warm, pleasant prickling spread throughout her entire body when she did.

Sora took a step forward. She had some places in mind, but before they went anywhere – there was still someone here she couldn’t bear to leave behind.

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