#reading your work is like basking in a patch of sunlight in a bay window

[alchemistc]

Please be aware I am two screening this bitch, I haven't pulled out my second screen since I quit my desk job.

"He's like a one-man Suicide Squad."

When I tell you I've never heard a more accurate description of Evan Buckley IN MY LIFE.

they watch as Vincent Gerrard uses the distraction of B Shift heading home to duck behind one of the engines a grinning demon rounds the corner and makes a bee-line for him

This is what I'm picturing in this moment:

"So, which one of you said 'spreadsheet' three times in a mirror?"

WHY IS RAVI THE FUNNIEST PERSON ALIVE

"He's everywhere, always, just waiting for you to slip up."

Eddie your latent Catholicism is showing

It's the only clipboard that has ever fucked.

Yeah actually YOU are the funniest person who has ever existed I cannot describe the wheeze I wheezed but both of my tiny dogs and my very large boyfriend were legitimately concerned I was going to stop breathing when I read this.

Tommy had pulled it out of a bag and presented it on one knee like he was proposing, or bestowing a sword to a king. The entire brewery was then given front-row seats to an intense game of tonsil hockey that nearly went into overtime until Eddie threatened to call Athena because Bobby looked like he was seriously reconsidering sobriety

The freak4freak agenda is real

T.K. 07:27am: I'm offering 3 nights of free babysitting to the first person who delivers

Not Tommy offering up free babysitting KNOWING that what Clipboard Buck does for him, "Uncle Tommy" does for Buck, OH YOU NASTY THOMAS KINARD

Tommy's typing indicator appears, then disappears. Then appears and disappears again. Then appears—

Me: Oh they're perfect for each other. Chim, .5 seconds later:

"Those two were made in a lab for each other, I swear to god."

And now I'm emotional and also losing my shit with laughter.

"Don't worry, Melanie! This is something to bring up during Thursday's workplace conflict seminar."

Evan Buckley no one is doing it like you.

"[...]Just need you to sign off on everything. Sir."

Yeah Tommy isn't the only one getting something out of this. Hot damn Buckley.

If he sees his shadow on the firehouse wall, it's 6 more hours of bullshit.

STFU I'm so obsessed with your turns of phrase and the complete irreverence of your humor, I want to shove you into a wall and gently forehead kiss you. Consensually.

"Three nights of free babysitting? I'm not proud."

Lies, Hen, you know this is gonna get Buck laid, and then Tommy laid, this is mutually beneficial for ALL THREE OF YOU.

Buck looks up, flashes a grin, and the second he clocks the phone he salutes it with the clipboard.

Oh, to be a fly on the wall the day Buck realizes his completely uncontrollable Control Freak double identity is a turn on for his boyfriend and he realizes he can weaponize it for good AND evil.

"I'm not a probie anymore," Ravi whines. "You can't haze me like this."

Baby boy you signed on to work with the biggest team of gentle bullies this side of the Rockies, you'd better get used to this shit.

"You do this and I'll make sure you're not sitting anywhere near Buck and Tommy when Taylor drops the bomb about Gerrard and Ortiz."

Absolutely fucking obsessed with how every single one of them has come to accept that their two weirdo friends are just so DOWN BAD for each other that they will inevitably horn it up in public for increasingly batshit reasons.

'Oh, Buck's ex who they enlisted in secret and who probably spent a month in Buck's kitchen red-stringing tentative leads while they eye-fucked each other is about to get their hateful boss fired? Yeah they're gonna make out about it shamelessly in the middle of Hen's kitchen.'

(Karen has a spray bottle labelled "Improbable Kink Stopper" literally just for Buck and Tommy)

I swear to fucking god I want to make out with your brain.

I'm also gonna blame you for my cough acting up again but it's possible I laughed so hard I actually dislodged some stubborn mucus so thank you, maybe?

Return of the Mack

For @alchemistc. Hope you feel better soon!

At the fire academy, three things are beaten out of every trainee: fear, a normal sleep schedule, and the social influences that prevent one from intervening in the event of an emergency. Some have jokingly called the third one the Anti-Bystander Effect, because if someone needs assistance—whether it's to stop an assault, run into a burning building, or help a little old lady find a quarter she dropped—a firefighter will immediately rush in to save the day. It's a special brand of classical conditioning that instills an elevated sense of responsibility in every trainee, and it's paid in full by the state of California.

Which is why it's so odd for there to be three capable firefighters standing around doing nothing while there's an old man clearly in need of dire assistance. If the LAFD higher-ups knew they were actively choosing to watch the carnage unfold instead of lifting a finger to help, they'd all be shitcanned. 

Luckily, there's a fourth firefighter on the scene doing the absolute most. 

"I thought we made a pact to keep him from using his powers for evil," Eddie says, taking a dispassionate sip of his coffee. 

"Is it evil if he's actually using them in service of a greater good?" Hen's attention is half on what's going down and half on the Notes app on her phone, where she's typing out the week's grocery list. "You know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend?"

Draped over the railing like his bones have melted, Chimney gives a sage nod. "He's like a one-man Suicide Squad." 

In the apparatus bay, they watch as Vincent Gerrard uses the distraction of B Shift heading home to duck behind one of the engines, most likely to regroup after being thoroughly ambushed the second he stepped into the station five minutes ago. He slumps back and breathes. The moment of weakness costs him: a grinning demon rounds the corner and makes a bee-line for him as though he can taste blood in the air.

"So, which one of you said 'spreadsheet' three times in a mirror?" Ravi sidles up next to Chimney and unwraps a breakfast burrito from Delia's. 

Chimney gives him the stink-eye. "I hope you brought enough for the whole class."

"Nope," Ravi says, taking a cheerful bite.

"None of us summoned him," Eddie says. He leans down to try and catch the conversation being had, but he's too high up. For a second, he thinks he hears the words 'crack whore' but it's probably a trick of the bay's acoustics. "He's everywhere, always, just waiting for you to slip up."

"Like the Devil," Hen says in agreement.

"Or Santa," Chimney adds.

Ravi chews thoughtfully. "I thought we threw out all the clipboards. Who gave him that one?"

"Tommy," Eddie, Hen, and Chimney say through a simultaneous, long-suffering sigh. 

It's not just any clipboard. It's the king of clipboards. It's the only clipboard that has ever fucked. The thing is a navy blue polycarbonate beast with "Buckley 118" embossed in fire engine red on the back, and the clip looks like it was forged in the fires of Staples HQ. 

At the bi-weekly Beer and Bitch Night last Friday at Golden Road Pub, Tommy had pulled it out of a bag and presented it on one knee like he was proposing, or bestowing a sword to a king. The entire brewery was then given front-row seats to an intense game of tonsil hockey that nearly went into overtime until Eddie threatened to call Athena because Bobby looked like he was seriously reconsidering sobriety.

"Does he know what he's unleashed?" Ravi sounds genuinely curious. 

As if on cue, Chimney's, Eddie's, and Hen's phones chime with three incoming messages. 

T.K. 07:26am: Has it started? T.K. 07:26am: Remember: you promised one of you would film it T.K. 07:27am: I'm offering 3 nights of free babysitting to the first person who delivers

That last one is followed by a gif of J. Jonah Jameson shouting "Bring me Spiderman!"

Hen frowns down at her phone. "Who the hell is that?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Chimney mutters.

H.W. 07:28am: Why are you so desperate for video?  E.D. 07:28am: What 40-something year old still uses pinky swears? H.H. 07:28am: Clipboard Buck better not be a weird sex thing for you, Kinard

Tommy's typing indicator appears, then disappears. Then appears and disappears again. Then appears—

"Yeah, no." Chimney hastily pockets his phone. "Those two were made in a lab for each other, I swear to god."

Down in the bay, Gerrard has moved to stand almost directly underneath them. While they can't hear what Gerrard says to Melanie Wu, an electrician so talented she could probably take down the entire grid with her eyes closed, that puts such a dour expression on her face, they can hear it when Buck, popping up behind Gerrard like an insane Jack-in-the-box, and says, "Don't worry, Melanie! This is something to bring up during Thursday's workplace conflict seminar."

"What seminar?!"

Buck isn't cowed. He taps his clipboard and says, "The one I scheduled with Chief Alonso. You know, the mandatory one we all need to do in order to keep our certification—well, we'll keep it as long as nothing comes up during the seminar that might call into question our ability to do the job."

There's a charged moment where it almost looks like Gerrard might take a swing at Buck, but then he notices the audience hanging above him like a Greek chorus and shouts, "Someone'd better top off the fuel and DEF or—"

"Already done, Cap." Buck makes a show of turning to the second page on his clipboard and lists off, "All fuel, DEF, oil, and coolant are set. Tires have been aired up. Hoses have been drained and cleaned, and re-rolled. Engines were all waxed yesterday, all medical supplies have been inventoried and stocked, and I've made a list of the harnesses and cutting torches that need replacing. Just need you to sign off on everything. Sir."

The ingratiating smile on Buck's face would fool even the wiliest of senior officers, and Gerrard himself looks like even he's not sure if what just happened was disrespectful, but they know better. 

"Diabolical," Ravi whispers, awed. 

Hissing through his teeth, Gerrard spins on his heel and storms away in the direction of the little office in the administrative section of the firehouse where he's taken to holing up like a miserable groundhog until they get a call that forces him back out. If he sees his shadow on the firehouse wall, it's 6 more hours of bullshit.

As soon as he's gone, all the firefighters that had stopped to watch the show burst into laughter and applause, and Buck cracks up, taking sweeping bows and blowing kisses to his adoring fans. 

Chimney rolls his eyes and looks to see what Hen's expression is doing, because no one gives good face like she does, but she's holding her phone in a way that clearly means—

"You're filming this?" Chimney demands, betrayed.

She gives an unrepentant shrug. "Three nights of free babysitting? I'm not proud."

Buck looks up, flashes a grin, and the second he clocks the phone he salutes it with the clipboard. Then he struts after Gerrard, calling almost lazily, "Cap, wait up! I wanted to talk about setting up a mock exam for everyone who's planning on taking the TCFP D/O!"

They all watch him go. Silently, Hen sends off the video with the air of someone about to make a drug drop. 

"So, when does Taylor Kelly's exposé come out again?" Eddie makes a dubious face in the direction of the administrative offices. "Because I don't know that Gerrard won't off himself before it does."

"We win either way," Chimney points out. 

"It comes out next Monday," Hen says, slipping her phone into her pocket and elbowing Chimney in the arm on her way to the stairs. "Karen and I are hosting a watch party that night and you're all invited."

Ravi beams. "Thanks, Hen. I'll definitely be there."

"And you'll be bringing dinner from Taco Azteca—for everybody. Make sure you get enough carne," Chimney calls over his shoulder as he follows Hen. 

"I'm not a probie anymore," Ravi whines. "You can't haze me like this."

Snickering, Eddie pats him on the shoulder and says, "You do this and I'll make sure you're not sitting anywhere near Buck and Tommy when Taylor drops the bomb about Gerrard and Ortiz."

"Extra al pastor and buche it is!"