#mostly just bc he had an excuse to be terrible

[icharchivist]

Not sure if Bubs would be into Halloween, but imagine him getting the Christmas summon; you better give him your presents or he will break your bones

HELPP

yeah he probably wouldn't be much into holiday spirits in general unless forced into it

for Halloween i'm sure he would hate it, but if people bother him enough trying to trick him he's going to overdo it and "give it back ten folds". "so you think you can trick ME? you can't HANDLE tricking mE". No treat for Halloween.

but for Christmas this is so funny. like in Granblue it's not celebrating the birth of anything so it's just a cosy holiday, but, i could imagine Beelzebub look at it and go "i don't see why we're supposed to give ~each other~ gifts. Obviously you should all give all of your offering to me as your God. Now i've decided this holiday would be dedicated to Me. It's giving Beelzebub Gifts day." and he gets very mad when you imply otherwise.

so this is. risky.

[enden-k]

i know some fuckers reupload my art without a care in the world, im fighting w this for years now and it was a major reason why i deleted my previous art blog and stopped posting art for a long time. i dont hunt the internet to catch everyone tho, even if it pisses me off greatly.

BUT if anyone ever sees my oc art reuploaded, let me know so i can deal with this. one of my biggest fears is people stealing my ocs/worlds or claiming them, i saw that happen to someone once and its scary as hell. i wont tolerate that w my ocs. literally fuck you.

and regarding the AI ask just now; please dont use my OCs for things such as roleplay or anything.

also i rb sm abt it and thoughts its obvious - especially as an artist - what my stance on AI is and what a deep hatred i have for it. do NOT use my things for ANY of that shit.

and, in general while were on the topic of AI bc i see this SO OFTEN: you cant be anti AI and then turn around and use AI writing programs, its all scraped and based on stolen shit. please protect writers as much as artists and VAs.

[cicadagaze]

book 2 and 3 finished! :') agh.

[pumpkinsy0]

Ok now can we get head cannons of Curly being vulnerable?

accidentally made this an essay🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

•curlys actually more emotional than ppl think!! hes on the same level of emotional as angela but angela gets played off as more emotional cause yknow, shes a girl, misogyny n allat jazz

•the problem w curly being emotional is that it ALWAYS translates into anger, and that pushes ppl away which yes is what curly wants, but that means nobody rlly checks in on him to see, when it comes to tim and angela theyre usually part of the reason y hes mad so they just avoid each other as well

•pony was the exact same!! just stayed clear of curly till he calmed down, but as he got closer to curly, he realized he cant do that no more, he’d b a dickhead for that, she he just stayed while curly vented his frustrations, like ALLLLL of them, when curlys mad he tells u EVERYTHING

•and the more pony listened, the more he was just thinking “damn this guy is emotional as hell”, he’d never say it to curly bc ofc curlys gonna deny it, so this is just an observation pony keeps to himself

•HOWEVER COMMA!!!! there was this one time curly wasnt just angry, but also sad!! and it was one of those arguments about ponys #substanceabuse issues w the pills OoOoOo and theres a lot of things ponys willing to sit through, curly trying to tell him what to do about hiss issues??? aint one of em, pony ends up getting defensive and it just becomes this huuugggeee arguement

•what made curly more vulnerable than usual was that he brought up his mom. curlys thee biggest mana’s boy u will EVER meet, yet if u notice, he barely brings her up and thats bc he knows she has her issues and THINKS hes protecting her by not letting ppl know but the truth is damn near everyone knows, hes just protecting himself atp

•curly can “handle” one person w terrible substance abuse issues, but TWO???hes crackin, dawg!! he doesnt like his issues staring back at him from all sides he does what he can to ignore his shitty home life and he’ll b dannnneeeeddddd if he turns out like his parents ESPECIALLY his “father” and pony a reflection of his mom like,,,,no,,,

•now that time, it was curly who was avoiding pony, and it was for a considerable amount if time too, like a week and a half. pony would ask around for where he was and everyone just said curly was busy, which he was!! but we all know its just to have an excuse🙄🙄

•to tim and angela, they knew curly was upset about SOMETHING but hes always upset so they werent too worried at first. they started to worry when curly wasnt coming home as much and that got their gears turning,,,what the hell happened,,,

•look it didnt take a rocket scientist to find out pony and curly werent talking so that was a great place to start asking. tim came over to question pony and pony had to come clean about the argument and his own problems, as soon as pony mentioned their mom tim just sighed gearing up to give pony a long (it was 2 minutes but pony thought that was too long bc hes face to face w tim, lmao) talk

•the only person who could actually talk to curly atp was angela, and after tracking the guy down, they just talked. mostly about nothing, just say down smoking to calm curlys nerves. was until angela said he should come home and curly begrudgingly agreeing, but he did come home.

•beyond that, tim and angela have no clue what happened between pony and curly. they didnt force them to talk to each other or anything but they know they DID talk. only reasons y they know that is bc curly started talking about pony again and coming home at night, again

[puckpocketed]

get ready for avs essays, babeyyyyyyy!!! 

so i’m actually completely fine with it if you don’t find nate compelling but since you bring him up, i will start with him. 

the thing about fortnite gamergirl nathan mackinnon is that he is like. very talented and reasonably conventionally attractive and also soooooooo cringefail. he’s the league mvp and a stanley cup champion and he has a gorgeous fiancée and he’s rich and he’s smashing through joe sakic’s franchise records left and right.... and he’s succchhhhhh a loser (affectionate). he’s uncomfortable all the time. he doesn’t know how to act. he’s pretty private but also he’ll just Say Things that are way too personal with the exact same tone he’d use to. i dunno. tell you what brand of sneakers he wears. he’ll also reveal things about the most private man in sports, squidney crocsby, that are way too personal—and sid apparently is fine with this because he continues to be boybestfriends and next door neighbors with the guy.

everyone thinks he is soooooo serious alllll the time (in spite of the fact that he is goofy and silly when he’s out with the boys) but it’s just a combination of a) his face just looks like that b) he’s just intense in general. he’s equally unchill about how much he fucking loves the boys and how much he loves his tiny dog. and c) mostly we see him when he is at his fucking job? and when he’s at work it’s All Business. don’t make him do dumb social media shit or ask him stupid questions about whether or not he thinks preseason is too long, he’s! busy! come back when it’s puppy day. 

he’s so focused on being working harder and being better and improving everything about his game and yet!!! he cannot win a faceoff 💖 he trains with squidney all summer! every year!! you would think he could learn something from the guy. but no, he doesn’t even seem to try to win faceoffs sometimes. he’s also. not ? defensively responsible? i do not exactly expect him to play like kopitar, here. i don’t even think he should waste all his energy backchecking; like, that’s not the thing we need him for. but idk from a guy who is sooooo fucking smart about hockey, a little more situational awareness would be nice. just a thought! like, if he wanted to be better at things, maybe he could get better at the things he’s terrible at? (but whatever, this gives me more of an excuse to push my ondřej pavel -> big boys’ club agenda). like. nate is an elite 1C—except that he doesn’t forecheck and doesn’t defend and one of his wingers (jonathan drouin) is actually the playmaker and the other winger (mikko rantanen) has to take all his faceoffs for him 🥰 

his one and only love language is trying to convince the boys to come play with him (jo, jack eichel, mitch marner, jo again). he doesn’t like late games, because he doesn’t nap. and he doesn’t nap because he can’t sleep during the day. and he can’t sleep during the day because he drinks too much water, so he has to piss too much. babygirl, why would you volunteer this information 💕 he tells people to call him “the dogg” and then they do. he says awkward sentences that rewire my brain. he should be cool, but he isn’t!!!!! he extremely fucking isn’t.

this is my natemac thesis, you can take it or leave it (said with love!!!!! there are other players i am significantly more invested in getting people on board with). i think many other people can speak more eloquently than i can about everything impressive he does on the ice. but he’s one of my special little guys bc of everything else

i have no idea what to do with all this <3 I'm here because he just bonked my ducks into oblivion - im hoping this cures his dogboy depression (it was becoming so wretched that it had started leaking into my curated feeds) - and it made me think of this ask which i've been marinating. hello!!

fortnite legend natemack is the exact age to have grown up in the heyday of COD xbox lobbies, do u ever think about that . i think about that now. do u think natedogg is his gamertag. rpf people are you writing gamergirl natemack AUs yet? has that happened yet? (sorry i don't. i don't have any clue what tropes are popular. im just throwing stuff at the wall <3)

nate is an elite 1C—except that he doesn’t forecheck and doesn’t defend and one of his wingers (jonathan drouin) is actually the playmaker and the other winger (mikko rantanen) has to take all his faceoffs for him 🥰

^craziest description of a 1C i've ever heard AND the most compelling he has ever been.

also thank u for not makin some kind of eating disorder joke amongst all this. it IS that serious (to ME) and people do this so much and i think they're not as funny as they think they are <3 (<- WHO SAID THAT!!!)

MYE two cents looking thru a writer/narrative lens: just, like, skimming whatever the hell comes up about him, he strikes me as someone who is very sincere. i get that everyone calls it "intensity" but i think sincerity has its own power. idk. i think he's very brave for wanting what he wants so transparently and wholly. <3 fortnite legend nathan mackinnon you are in my crosshairs......

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

WHAT TERRIBLE THINGS ARE YOU DOING TO MY BUG [mallrad] [i saw ur repost of nhw mal lmao]

I NEEEEED INFROMATION RN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO INFODUMP AS MUCH AS YOU WANT PLEASE

HI KOI!!!!!!!!!! sorry this has taken me forever to answer ive had a busy work week ouagh. but its MAL TIME NOW. well. technically amity time bc im gonna talk about the setting in general because i love it. whatever go my scarab!

IM GOING TO ANSWER THIS ASSUMING U KNOW WHAT NHW IS. IF YOU DONT IM SO SORRY but also the masterpost is HERE which has basically all the context u need i think.

awesome place to start is reading This Post because it basically lays out the essentials for amity in general and gives you a good idea of their whole deal (theres also this one. which is a joke. but its my favorite ever and i think you will appreciate the clarence)

since i mostly ran thru the basics of their plot timeline super quick in that post i can get into details in this one :] putting a lot of it under the cut so its not 12 miles long hehe

i really like leaving a lot of the amity stuff to be mystery partially because it will literally NEVER come up in the "canon timeline" or whatever since it all happened x number of years ago and partially because giving it an air of mystery makes it seem more myth/legend than anything concrete. which!! since its supposed to be the nhw equivalent of the spirit world i love the idea that its vague and mysterious and hard to comprehend that the Chaos Zone (colloquial name for the quarantine area around the city where they keep the trickster trapped) used to be like. a relatively peaceful idyllic city with only a small handful of capes and not a lot of action. that being said i do in fact have clam flavored brain worms which means i cannot help thinking about clarence and mal in so much detail that is SO unnecessary to the rest of the story other than serving to make what happened to them more tragic.

ANYWAY. all that being said that is my excuse for not having any solid ideas on mals trigger event. ive kind of played around with the idea that he's a case 53 (cauldron dropped him into the city mid-ghoul transformation and full of amnesia so he had. basically no identity before then and no idea where or who or what he was so he just kind of started breaking things) but honestly i havent thought abt it all that much bc its just not that important. either way. he started out as an unaffiliated rogue/villain. as ghoul, he was in his brute form like 90% of the time and behaved pretty much like a less cannibalistic venom. just kind of like. causing damage just because he can. really the ONLY two capes in amity at the time were Whisperer (clarence) and Afterlife (duck) (<< first duck mention btw!). Afterlife is a lot more apathetic to things like this (hes old. hes tired. hes survived WELL past the cape life expectancy but theres no real protocol for capes retiring because usually they just. die. so hes still here) and he really only responds to things he deems an emergency, and some rando causing property damage isnt enough to put ghoul on his radar. so that left Whisperer to deal with him. his powers are very nonviolent non-confrontational so his way of dealing with villains is to use his. basically tranquilizer powers to get them to stop doing whatever theyre doing (its a good thing amity is peaceful. this is NOT a. super great awesome offensive power and he can get very easily overwhelmed against more than one target). so he does this to Ghoul and since his he's a new cape and is not fully under control of his changer powers yet, his brute form drops as soon as hes calm and hes just. some sad disheveled looking guy.

so clarence sees this guy who is just. so incredibly lost. whether thats because of case 53 amnesia or like. post-trigger, post-changer state disorientation, hes just. like. pathetic. hes not being a villain because hes evil hes just doing things because he doesnt know what else to do. so clarence, who is way too kindhearted for his own good, offers to help him. and mal, who has probably never given this sort of softness in his life. just immediately fucking melts into it. of course he accepts that offer he has nothing else to do! he doesnt really care about being a hero or a villain or anything like that (having a morality crisis is boring and a waste of time) but this man is literally glowing and offering him a hand to hold and a purpose and something other than just mindless destruction

so mal drops the name Ghoul and gets his changer powers better under control and properly develops his master powers instead of his brute powers and becomes what essentially ends up being Whisperer's sidekick under the new name Purgatory (which. i really made on a whim at the time but now that i have had time to think about it really has a lot of significance to his character and state of mind and it makes me SICK)

mal has a sort of hero worship crush on clarence like. thats His Hero. thats the guy who picked him up off the ground and helped him stand out of the kindness of his heart and they know each other out of costume now and even in his civilian life clarence is funny and laid back and so easy to talk to and. mal is not those things. god he is so down bad. relationship wise i will point to this convo which i still stand by

but i think like. both in and out of costume theyre kind of inseparable. mal is like. suuuper super protective over clarence to the point where its kind of an intimidation factor to other people. scary dog privilege or whatever. i like to refer to it as like... if clarence was a prince mal would be his loyal knight. if mal was an animal he would be a falcon (fast, sharp, dangerous, always returns to its master etc etc etc).

its also really important to me that clarence DOES NOT see their relationship like this at all he is so. oblivious. or if hes not oblivious he just doesnt do anything about it or puts it out of his mind or whatever. i think one of clarences big flaws is that hes almost too laid back about certain things that he maybe should care about a little more? big "itll be fine" in situations where things . PROBABLY will not be fine if he doesnt do something about it. so while he doesnt really purposefully encourage mals weird hero worship with him he also doesnt really do anything to dissuade it either. so thats how we get to. where we get to. with them. ouhghhh boy.

i already talked abt this pretty in depth in the other post but trickster appears, kills clarence in front of mal, and it just BREAKS something fundamental in him. once the trickster throws him out of the city i think the prt has to drag him away kicking and screaming because theres NO way he would willingly walk away from that (ESPECIALLY because... clarence's body is still there. he never got a proper funeral or burial or anything hes just.... there on the street or on the roof of a building like hes nothing). they probably put him in some kind of custody which he inevitably breaks out of and goes out on his own. i think he tries to go back to the city only to find the walls already in place and no way to get in without fighting a LOT of soldiers and ripping through a lot of anti-cape measures. which he is emotionally willing to do, but hes not stupid. he knows he needs backup. so he seeks out the worlds most dangerous most awful notorious capes ever. and thats how he ends up with the slaughterhouse 9! his eventual goal with them is to manipulate them into helping him get back into amity and kill the trickster. which is OBVIOUSLY not how things turn out, but thats his motivation at least.

when wraith ends up in the public eye with the new haven wards and his costume is sooooo so eerily close to the whisperer, mal kind of Leaves the s9 for a bit? hes still a member and everything, he doesnt actively quit or betray them or anything bc thats like asking to get killed, but he stops travelling with them in order to. whats the nicest way i can say this. research? the wards. specifically wraith. that little unhinged piece of his mind that snapped when clarence was killed gives him this horrible idea that wraith is just.. clarence reincarnated. its probably been close to 20ish years since the amity incident at this point, so the timing even lines up close enough for him to be convinced. so that starts his weird obsession with william, which eventually involves him nominating william as a potential candidate to join the s9 in the trials (william has a Complex about this) and other fucked up things like the tide fridge (<< our loving name for when mal kidnaps tide and keeps him in jars or whatever in the spirit world in canon etc)

hes my favorite fucked up little guy!!!!!!! i hate him so much i want to hit him with hammers but also ive had a specific stained glass art piece depicting the biblical purgatory that i really want to draw as him and clarence so like. take that as you will. im obsessed with them i think abt them so much even though clarence has like no bearing on the actual plot of nhw since the whole "william is the next whisperer" thing is nonexistent. i got distracted writing this a FEW times so i maybe forgot some things so if theres anything else u want to know about them... hmu. i love 2 talk abt them so much <3

[geneticallymodifiedidiot]

funny stupid sad angry post

uh so the poll said yes

so here goes? i've got no idea how to do this

tw: vent, self-sabotage, sh/cutting, eating disorder(?)/calorie counting, suicide ideation

please for the love of god if any of these trigger you in any way don't read this through. i'm not worth making your triggers worse. don't do that to yourself.

this is a really long fucking post. we'll see if i end up deleting it. if people just tell me that my problems aren't that bad (which is totally possible) then i'll delete it. no harm done.

let the brain dump begin

why am i doing this? it's not like i'd let myself accept help if anyone decided to try

uh idk it feels like i'm not doing enough

i'm not good enough for my friends, my school performance isn't good enough, i'm not doing enough to help other in general, i'm not doing enough to maintain relationships with my family and other people close to me, my "skills" aren't good enough, my problem aren't good enough to be considered problems, a lot of stuff like that

like the friend thing is like i feel like my friends are way better at being supportive and helping each other than i am, i'm trying my best but i can't seem to do enough because we're all just sad and i feel like i can't help

i constantly want to tell my friends "hey, you guys know that if i'm not a good enough friend, you can leave/stop being my friend and i won't get mad, right?" but i don't because i'm worried they actually might.

i went on a really long trip overseas this past summer and spent some time with family and i feel like i was a terrible person the whole time because my egg had cracked like a solid two weeks beforehand and i hated the idea of having to exist as two people at once bc my family has not exactly presented themselves as the most trans-friendly people but they also haven't made it so it's obviously a bad idea to come out to them. just a collection of offhand comments and unclear/lack of messaging around trans people has made it so i feel like it would be a bad idea, but if i'm wrong, then these people deserve better from me and not for me to hide myself from them.

the most unclear part of this for me is my mom, because like she's not the best but it's not obvious to me if she's actually bad. like i've seen a lot of things especially on this site about how trauma and abuse are overused terms but i don't know what qualifies. whenever i see examples i seem to fall in a middle ground between them. like it's mostly mental. she doesn't hit me (although idk i feel like i might remember some stuff from very long ago and there's one major event that i'm not going to get into) but there's just some things. like when i tried to come out as aroace, she never explicitly rejected that, but she also didn't... say anything. both times. and also when i first told her that i thought i might have adhd, she said something along the lines of "oh yeah, when you were young the doctor said you had some adhd tendencies, but we're not going to get you diagnosed because i don't want you to use it as an excuse." which, i guess, but something doesn't seem right about that.

but she's not explicitly terrible either, like i have stuff. she lets me leave the house pretty often. she's not super uptight about grades as long as i don't miss assignments. idk, it's super confusing. it's not entirely her fault either, she's an immigrant and english is her second language. there's a big age gap between us (40 years) its probably hard for her to raise a child, especially one as horrifically difficult to deal with as me. one time she said she hated me, but she apologized later and said she misspoke. which is fair i guess, she was under stress at the time. if i was her, id probably hate me too. idk i feel bad for saying i miss my dad (he died 5 years ago) my mom's trying her best and she got the bad luck of getting a child that is much more difficult than she bargained for. god im a terrible child lol.

oh, on the adhd thing- i feel like i exhibit symptoms for adhd pretty recognizably (although im not diagnosed, so its technically possible that i don't and i just need to try a little bit harder) but also i feel like i exhibit some signs of autism. but again. what. the heck. qualifies. i don't like drums (especially snare drums, which are RIGHT BEHIND ME IN BAND WHY-) and im bad with convoluted noise in general. but also like, i don't exhibit this all the time. sometimes i won't even notice drums all that much. sometimes i realize lights are way too bright like five minutes after being around them. i get hyperfixations, but im pretty sure that could just be the adhd thing. im bad at talking to people but again, i could just be bad. i scored 150 on the RAADS-R test, but that's not a diagnosis. idk. hah.

i'm outright just a negative person to be around, i can't think of a single person that is better off because i'm in their life. they either have to deal with all of my problems or i just end up not talking to them as much as a good friend should.

also i feel like my "skills" are really bad to the point that i can barely call them skills. in band, on my first instrument (euphonium) i'm first chair in the symphonic/advanced/audition band (somehow) but there's this one interval in a solo that i cannot nail down. and its annoying. in marching band its even worse, im on sousaphone which some would say is the most important instrument, but the director tells us to play louder all the freaking time (there's only 7 sousaphones and the band is like 200 people). my rank tells me im playing well but like. aaa. i could be playing better. last years rank leader was so ridiculously loud and i don't think i can match him.

other "skill" is cooking. some people might have seen the attempt at bread that i made. and the interior is just a mass of gluten. like. come on, i can do better than that. and then i also made like a chili dish to go with the bread, and the recipe called for too many beans. i should've recognized it, but no. there are too many beans. im annoyed. my mom doesn't like to eat beans that much so i feel like i failed her too. which, lovely.

ehhhh yeah i can talk about dysphoria here too. why not. idk one thing that made me spiral a bit was one of the people im not out to in marching band said "deadname you should get a buzz cut again it looked good" (i had a buzz cut for much of my childhood because long hair felt too hot) and fucking- i look better with a buzz cut than with long hair?! fucking murder me! oh my god! should i even transition as an adult at this point, i'd probably look even worse than i do now! am i just goddamn destined to be unhappy with my appearance?! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ok tw for sh for this next part

so all this manifested in a cutting habit (yippee) which is. mildly terrifying. but also i feel like this problem is also inferior because they aren't all that deep. like i see things about sh support that are like "here's how you know you hit an artery" and im like well. that's not been a problem insofar. maybe im being dramatic about this.

i don't even know why i do it. i don't feel particularly better when i do it. i guess i could be like adrenaline doping but that's not that big of a thing. it doesn't make me like special or worse than other people, cutting isn't that uncommon from what i've seen. 52% of trans girls reported self-injury over the past year (per the trevor project)

the annoying this is even when i see a way out i don't take it. when i first started i was using a partially rusted razor which i completely recognized as dangerous but like. i have my shots (thanks mom.) so that happened for a while until the rust got to the point where the blade was dull. yeah, that's the reason i stopped using a rusty knife: not because of the rust and the tetanus risk, but because the blade was getting dull. that's fucking pathetic.

so instead of stopping like a normal fucking person i (still cannot believe i did this) went on amazon and bought a $10 pocketknife. and now that's just on my person. i could've stopped, i had an out, but i spent money on a different knife. s t u p i d.

tw suicide ideation

oh, something else horrifying? the thoughts i had regarding sh like... two months prior to starting are. shockingly similar to the thoughts i have regarding suicide. (i don't think i'm going to commit suicide, that's a bit more commitment that a few scars on my forearm and thighs). but i mean like, i like to sleep. maybe this wouldn't be too different. people wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.

and don't tell me i "matter," i'm perfectly aware of the 143.8lbs of matter i take up in this universe i take up and how much of a waste it is. possible eating disorder tw for the next part.

okay like. im weird with food. what the hell counts as an eating disorder. im not underweight, (i know this is not an end-all be-all by any stretch of a hyperflexible imagination, but my bmi's 19.0. that's technically in the healthy range). i'm skinnier than i was 18 months ago. but like. i'm not wasting away. i just have a calorie-counting habit that is. annoying. along with a general fear of gaining weight. sometimes i'll eat what i feel is too much and i have an urge to make myself vomit (i've never done that before, but i have a general idea) but the thing that stops me is the vivid image of my esophagus dissolving. which i guess is good.

why? i don't know. that's a theme here, isn't it. i don't know why im the stupid ridiculous way that i am, which probably means im bullshitting everything. but i don't know. it's like all my issues are on the borderline of "okay you need actual help" and "eh, you'll probably be fine. just push through it." which again probably suggests that im actually fine and being ridiculous about everything. i'm not the only person in this world who has dysphoria. im not the only person whos unsure about coming out to their family. im not the only person who engages in self-injury. im not the only person who has suicidative thoughts from time to time. i have what most people would call a good life. im physically able-bodied, lean, fit into the school system, have a parent, i live near a school, and im not under threat of dying by someone else's hand. these are all advantages that tons of people probably wish they had. why do i complain so much. im so ready for this post to get a response of "this is nothing, just deal with it. good god." and that's fair.

idk, i guess im tired. im tired of avoiding the mirror constantly, tired of keeping a running track of the amount of energy ive consumed in the past 24 hours, tired of doing the same thing each day with no real end in sight, tired of feeling like i need to push myself harder, tired of seeing an arm covered in scars when i reach over myself to turn off the light each night when i go to sleep, tired of going to sleep and sometimes wishing i wouldn't wake up.

do i even deserve anything. do i deserve friends. do i deserve to be happy. do i deserve to get the things i want. do i deserve a good life. do i deserve to transition if i want to. do i deserve help. do i deserve to take up societies resources, whether that be food, water, medical care, or therapy.

do i deserve to live?

if you read this far, uh. im sorry. this probably took a long time that could be better dedicated to something more important than a random teenager on the internet. but here we are.

if you want to say something 1. probably don't. my brain has found a way to basically not let me accept help but if you want to try, that's your prerogative. 2. if you want to say something but don't know what to say, that's fine. i know the feeling and what the hell do you say to whatever this post is anyway.

[chaos-has-theories]

Haven't been online much bc of school but I have been thinking abt this au with simon and marcia being in dn1 together So Often. Like Simon would've been right at the start of his spiral into the darke. He just made the decision to only think abt himself like. Today. He's angry at everyone but also specifically and especially marcia. And now he's trapped in the Hell Dungeon with her. And marcia had completely given up, thinking she'd failed and everyone she'd tried to save was doomed so there was no point in living. Except here is one of silas heap's sons. And he is alive and she can help keep him that way. So simon is her one and only reason for staying alive. And to simon this is So Weird. Why is she doing this. Doesnt she hate him (has forgotten that she literally doesn't know anything he's done and also that all the things he HAS done so far have been easily excusable at best and maybe a little concerning but not rlly his fault at worst. His worst ideas have only been thoughts.)

Ough ough it's so good

And ALSO at that point he probably still has enough bits left that completely idolized her and wanted to be her apprentice so badly

But she's entirely useless right now, except he's WORSE than useless, and in whatever ways whe might have betrayed him (none, but uuhh months with the Custodian), the Custodian and DD betrayed him worse.

Also I kmow Simon is going to have a terrible time in there but I can just imagine a point where the shades haven't gotten to him as much as Marcia yet and Marcia confesses that she has failed at everything she's ever done and that she has never been any good to anyone and Simon (history nerd, certified Big Brother and the Reasonable One of the family) goes are you kidding. Jenna wouldn't even be alive without you. DomDaniel would have had control of the castle for a decade. The Young Army and the Supreme Custodian and the Tattletales would be the LEAST of our worries. You took over as EOW at a ridiculously young age and there was no Queen and you were mostly locked into the tower and you still managed to keep the castle mostly floating along.

And then he just has a moment of oh. All of that is true. And I was going to betray her.

So she's still reeling from having been guven a compliment by a tiny Silas Heap while also being at her literal lowest point in life but oh no. Now tiny Silas Heap is having a panic attack.

[namtanlovesfilm]

I really have to give my apologies to Krist I was not impressed when I heard he was going back into the BL world and thought he would provide us with the bare minimum and be awkward in any intimate scenes but he has not done that at all I am loving his portrayal of Kawi he is cringe but in the best way and there is no awkwardness between him and Gawin at all they are very natural together who would of thought it.

hmm... apologies might be pushing it lol, but I'm personally not surprised he's acting well in bmf. I remember people saying he's a terrible actor when his controversies were revealed, but imo he's always been a good actor, and he's also a good singer. his talent has nothing to do with him being problematic. now though, where krist has a history with acting problems is chemistry. a lot of people have always criticized his chemistry with singto, but honestly looking back I really think it was mostly down to the bl culture at the time that was just starting so chemistry was NOT a factor in any of the early bls, but also the sotus writing was simply fucking awkward at times. there are scenes across sotus, sotus s & our skyy that are actually really fucking good, even for today's standard. now though, did I 10000% doubt the gawinkrist ship? absolutely. am I shocked they are this good bc I would've never pictured them together? even more absolutely. but honestly, the more I think about it, the more I realize it totally makes sense bc gawin literally is a chemistry king, and krist has been acting for a very long time so has definitely been improving as years pass. also, even though everyone (me included) laughed at him getting back to bl, if he chose this role, it's bc he had a reason to be confident he would be great in it. and to be fair, I think many actors could've played kawi just as well, but krist does play him wonderfully. so anyways, credit where credit is due, krist is great in bmf even though it doesn't excuse his past comments.

xxx

[mamapilled]

mother nonsenses 1.0

was part of the manifesto. (but not anymore?) though these are just random ideas in my notebook that i havent yet found a way to fully write sth decent with. though the evidences are all there. here just for archive, none of these really mean anything. except the last bullet point? but it also doesnt mean anything

- [this was one of my replies when heilhades333 and i was talking abt my ageswap luther and her matriarch nature. then somehow it snowballed into ranfren chi no wadachi?] i think as far as where the series is currently at, randal's still far too young for luther to consider anything about him having a family of his own or even a partner. at this life stage he is still under luther's care, and therefore, a part of luther's family. i see luther as the highest queen of her own beehive, so she wouldnt want randal to eventually have his own family (though, as the "ivory heir", maybe that day will come. if they can grow old that is). luther's way of building a family is more of collecting "family members" - what she'd like to call them, rather than building branches. i dont think she would mind if randal gets a partner as long as they'd submit to become a part of her family (like how she got sebastian as a pet for randal) maybe only when said partner wanted to pull randal away we'd have a problem (satoru. though its mostly bc she wanted to go camping with her family and also blueberry pancakes)

^ i kNOW the mother here is referring to the mother/earthbound franchise. but this is my domain and i can say whatever i want

- [purely delusional. hello hitchther nation?] in my beautiful mind theres this specific what-if situation luther is the queen bee, the hitchhikers are the drones, randal is the queen-to-bee (haha get it) while the catmen and like, nana carpet seb and the rest are worker bees. the drones' only purposes is to mate with the queen (only the fittest ones get this honor) and they'll die in the act but they're happy doing so ^^; this is just me fumbling the hitch hikers’ role theres nothing more to this really, lol

- [i’m still marinating this thing with nou but its going to be mother manifesto 2.0 when i finally know how to verbalize it. wonder when that is... the following paragraphs are choppy and rough bc theyre mostly texts i sent to nou at 12am] AGAIN IM NOT A NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKER PLEASE EXCUSE ALL THE... IDK VERBS FORMS ERRORS I DONT KNOW! WHAT THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!

i know luther is the emperor tarot card (totally agree. shes also the empress TO ME. because im me of course) but then nou told me about her being the sun while randal is the moon and. huh. that kinda caught me off guard because the sun is supposed to represent. well? good omen and all the nicest things in the world. huh. everytime i think too much abt this i’d get super emotional (im getting emotional Right Now. thats why i dont think i can fully articulate this 2.0 manifesto any time soon) bc yknow. according to a normal regular person’s standard, luther is far from “good”, but also cap did write that luther “believes hes a nice person but is working on it” (not the exact quote but you get it)

something about her trying to be a good person though she probably would never be one but still in her cynical little mind hes being sweet and loving and Good. and not doing whatever she "in the past" has done. bunch of references to "the past" are mostly if not all abt how horrible and terrible and scary she was and how she keeps saying shes not like that anymore though we arent sure how much of it is true bc shes fucked in the head to oblivion. its the thoughts that count i guess?

these are probably all related to luther giving birth to randal (in my head) since ARHGHGH idk!!!!!! i'd imagine this was her before having him (or at least, when she just had him for a few? years? decades?) and then until she had to raise randal and realized he needs to grow into a decent person and started that fucked up roleplay spiral game of her she goes out less and less and trying to be a perfectly normal loving human and a caretaker of this made up family and stopped doing whatever the fuck she was doing when she was still a young maiden terrorizing canada’s deepest forest suburban hell

since randal is like. THE ivory heir to me too he'll take over one day its like now shes just being a mom and making sure hes ready to be it. one day (that day might never come once again she loves making shits up in her head saying stuff no one can fucking understand. cynical woman) and also making sure everything around him is ready for his growth and also being a good role model for him. yadda yadda. not to mention randal keeps talking abt how shes not like before / this body isnt what it used to before as if they both know shes fucking aging (old) and having randal is what she wanted in life like how parents after having children just want to devote their entire life to give their children the best upbringing bc their time is ending soon its time for the next generation. THIS IS ALSO PURELY DELUSIONAL SORRY

whatever im rereading camping arc again (i do this every night) what can i say i love female hysteria and getting the horrors abt luther von ivory slowly descending into insanity

[hideyseek]

5, 9, 12!

crab!! hi hi hi hi hi hiiiii~! ty for quastions :3

from fanfic asks for the new year

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

aha, well. technically the first is mini heist!au but none of it is written that is in the shape of the final thing that i haven't already posted on here so i'm gonna cheat and say uh. wow huh okay then i kind of have no idea. ah! maybe my arthurcobb fic then! cos it sure won't be narrative!fic, lol!

here is a snippet from the current draft which is uhh three and a half years old (by which i mostly mean to say, there are a couple things in here i would write differently now.):

Arthur brings his coffee up to the counter where Dom has already deposited his onion rings and says, “Excuse me, can I purchase a — a temporary phone?” If he doesn't call it a burner maybe he will come off as more the kind of person he actually is. The cashier puts up a finger in question and Arthur nods but behind him Dom says firmly, “Two.”  Arthur turns, surprised. “Why — we don’t need two?” They’re traveling together, after all. Arthur’s not about to leave Dom alone, so it’s not like Dom will need his own phone. It’s not like Dom’s super functional, anyway. The three days he’d spent on Arthur’s couch before they read the news and had to leave town extremely suspiciously, he’d really just spent on the couch. “We don’t need two phones, Dom,” Arthur repeats.  “What if we get separated,” Dom points out. “How would we get in contact with each other again? You should have your own phone, too.” Arthur would rather not think about circumstances that would separate them. Dom says, “Arthur,” and it feels pointed. Something like panic hollows Arthur’s chest. Things are already out of control, apparently. Two days into being on the run and apparently Dom can call these shots but he can’t be on the run by himself.

9. Short term goals… what do you hope to complete this week or in January?

ahaha actually, getting this ask made me decide that i'm going to try my absolute best to finish the project i've been calling "mini heist!au" (which ... at this point ... is just an au of heist!au without any heists in it, lmao) this month! i used answering this ask as my bribe for reading through all the existing material and drawing up a revision plan / new fic story structure actually. i'm not sure i'll be able to, i suspect there are 2-4 drafts and i simply do not write that fast (at least one from scratch based on a new outline, possibly a second from scratch, and then a second/third that's just like. content/theme/cadence/character arcs etc revisions. though that might get complex enough to be two drafts). but we'll see! there are still 24 days so at this current moment i am optimistic :3

12. Will you change anything about the way you edit or rewrite this year?

YES I SURE FUCKING WILL. I HAVE BEGUN IT ACTUALLY, mostly i'm continuing to test a thing i tried in december 2023 to see if it still works for projects that aren't the specific situation of the beginning of devotion (so far, yes!) anyway the way that process goes is like this (recipe below):

first, write a terrible draft. some scenes can just be a note of what needs to happen. ideally: expend as little fucking effort on this as possible bc like. almost none of this will stay. just write enough to get the vibes of what you're going for.

second, read through that draft taking notes of what you like or don't like (or, the way i phrase it for myself to make the goal clearer "what feels like it is aligned with my vision for the fic vs what isn't") but most importantly. WHY.

for me doing this second step has 2/2 turned into "here is a rough outline of the story, completely restructured" but also, with no ending (which is fine, i just have to trust that the ending will appear when more of the draft is written).

third, compile those notes on a new draft into a narrative-order outline (linear for me).

fourth, write the new draft.

fifth, try to do step 2 again. but what i found for the beginning of devotion and therefore what i'm to a certain extent expecting, is that i will just have a bunch of Ns/dislikes and then go. ah. because the things i dislike are too granular to require big-picture story structure changes now.

sixth, copy the most recent draft into a new doc. and read through and revise directly on the page. maybe title at some point so that revision stuff is aligned with the mood/tone/content/vibes/whatever of the title. and maybe come up with initial tags and a summary here also to make sure the vibes are all aligned. hopefully the content of the ending will become clear at this point and you'll draft that for the first or second time.

seventh, idk i like to do an out-loud readthrough bc reading cadence is important to me personally. and also i am scared to lose the skill of reading aloud considering i do it about zero times a year other than this.

that's it basically.

[heathtalbot]

( EMILIO SAKRAYA, 21, CISGENDER MALE, HE/HIM ) Is that HEATH TALBOT? A SENIOR originally from SAN JOSE, CA, they decided to come to Ogden College to study COMMUNICATIONS. They're THE MALINGERER on campus, but even they could get blamed for Greer's disappearance.

THE BASICS:

FULL NAME: Heath James Talbot

NICKNAMES: None, he's just Heath

AGE & BIRTHDAY: 21 & March 24, 2002

ZODIAC: ☼ Aries ☾ Leo ↑ Pisces + full chart

MBTI & ALIGNMENT: ESFP & Neutral Evil

+ TRAITS: Intrepid, Optimistic, Honest, Sociable

- TRAITS: Temperamental, Obtuse, Unreliable, Domineering

HOUSING: TBA

MAJOR: Communications

EXTRACURRICULARS: Member of SAE, Golf, Powerlifting Team, Rock Climbing Team

CHARACTER INSPIRATIONS: TBA

THREE SKILLS: excellent at picking out apology gifts, can successfully parallel park anywhere, weirdly good at walking on his hands

LINKS: Pinterest / Playlist / Tasks

AT OGDEN:

RELATIONSHIP TO GREER: COLLEGE FRIENDS

Heath couldn't say exactly when or where he met Greer, all the finnicky details lost to the chaotic blur that had been rush week, but when he woke up with her contact info in his phone one morning, it definitely felt like it was meant to be. Both freshmen, both rich and pretty -- what more motivation did they need? C'mon, it would've been weirder if they weren't friends! Just like the rest of the Ogden masses, Heath was dragged into Greer Morrison's gravitational pull, and he went willingly. They started linking up on the regular, meeting up at parties or catching each other on down days around campus, building a strong friendship that he's never once thought to second-guess.

EMBODIMENT OF HIS TROPE: THE MALINGERER

Everyone has known a Heath. The no-show with a great excuse. The guy that never fails to charm his way into the group project with the smartest student. A person who's probably never seriously been told 'no' even once in their life. And it's not luck, either; it's privilege. Heath can rest on his laurels all thanks to the Talbot family name and the achievements of those around him. The third son, he's never felt the pressure of expectation. His mother babies him while simple participation trophies earn him congratulations from his father, allowing him every easy win that he chooses to take. And if he ever faces a roadblock? Heath's positive that there's a way around it. A check to write, a phone call to make, red tape to ignore. Everyone else has always pulled the strings for him, anyway, so why should he start worrying now? Life's a breeze when you don't have to seriously think about anything!

BACKGROUND & DETAILS:

heath was an unexpected baby, the product of a long-term (and still on-going) affair of his mother's. his parents privately maintain a pseudo-open relationship while publicly playing house for the sake of each of their careers. needless to say, family dinners have a tendency to get Weird

his dad is a venture capitalist, very much in the same vein as gavin belson of silicon valley -- he's long since lost touch with his coder roots and mostly just throws his money around to keep his name relevant in tech circles.

heath interns frequently at the companies his dad owns, true nepo baby shit 🥰 but lbr all he does is go on coffee runs and clocks in for 4 hour work weeks

he's currently majoring in communications bc he legit googled "easiest college majors" and it was near the top of the list

started out trying to major in engineering??? who let him do that?? freshman year was rough 😔

anyway yeah, heath's..... not that smart. and to make matters worse, he's sensitive about it!! gets mean when he's confused or frustrated, esp when he feels like he's being teased and not in on the joke. he's got a short fuse after a lifetime of his older brothers picking on him. he'd rather be perceived as rude than dumb

big time gym bro (obviously) and v competitive -- tends to favor solo sports bc at least when he loses it's no one's fault but his own

has a terrible habit of making big promises and not keeping them

he was soooooooo obsessed w/ uncut gems when it came out, i just FEEL it

julia fox = dream woman

brings a certain "haha.. okay" energy to the function

both of his older brothers previously attended ogden (5+ years ago, i'm still iffy on exact ages) and pledged SAE. naturally, heath had to do the same <3

ngl he's very easily swayed by public opinion. critical thinking?? we don't know her!

lowkey has a childhood dream to one day climb mount everest. pls don't try to explain to him how it negatively impacts the environment, he doesn't wanna hear it and won't understand (or care rip)

probably pre-games while listening to drake lmfao

POTENTIAL CONNECTIONS:

FRIENDS FRIENDS FRIENDS !!!!!!!!

people who have been saddled with him for group projects, study groups, etc.

heath doesn't do drugs (he's a keg stand champ tho), so someone to smoke him out for the first time! fs would be a hilar thread

with ogden being full of bad daddies, i'd love for him to have this energy with someone xx

..... also this

anyone he fucked around with over the summer!! i'd luv to hc some juicy goss for him from the break

someone who always calls him keith lmfaooo

maaaaaaaybe his baby sister?? she'd be going into her sophomore year and i have many family hc's to discuss, so <3

an ex who made him paranoid abt astrology stuff sjdjsdkn

someone that he's using and/or leading on

flip the script - someone who's using and/or leading him on!

literally anything else ur heart desires 💖 this will be heath's fourth year at ogden, so we have plenty of wiggle room to plot some crash-and-burn relationships, seething rivalries, situationships, etc. -- i'm down for it all!!

[strawbrygashez]

ur rb from an hr ago… im late oops

👄 for p2 and narrator

🌑 for tyler

🍺 anyone of ur choice :з

ITS FINE! NO ONE HAS SENT ASKS ABOUT IT ANYWAYS :,D

👄 (Kiss hc)

Tyler- He’s really good at kissing since I think he’s uh.. had a lot of practice 💀 he’s probably had hook ups upon hook ups.. so he knows what he’s doing and is pretty good at it. It’s enough to make Narrators head spin at least 💀 but I guess even if Tyler was shit at kissing Narrator would still feel like he’s in heaven.

Narrator- Kinda awkward about it, hasnt had a lot of practice, and is that type of guy to give dry little pecks. It’s almost makes me think of some like.. Christian guy who doesn’t wanna do anything too hot n heavy until after marriage 😭 but of course if we are talking about if he’s with Tyler, he tries his best to keep up with him during make out sessions 🤭 probably even slips into being really desperate with his kisses if Tyler isn’t basically eating his face like he wants him too. Smh.

🌑 (A dark HC)

Tyler- hmmm. I’m not sure how to answer this one without just making it basically the sad hc question but I’ll answer with two things. One, the one that’s taking this as more of a sad thing, is that I think he struggles really bad about how he acts. Like he doesn’t wanna act the way he does sometimes but he just can’t stop :0 like having manic episodes, being impulsive & expecting the Narrator to read his mind. Like if he actually sits there he can acknowledge he has things he needs to work on (well. The manic episodes thing can only slightly be helped) but he just kinda pushes those thoughts away when something else catches his attention. Like he will be zoning out sometimes, almost dissociating but then he’ll hear Narrator coming in after work and he’s back to being himself & be like “:D JACK?!?!” and puts on his cool guy persona to meet him downstairs lol.

The other thing is that I think he used to be a little bit of a bully growing up :/ he wasn’t really absolutely terrible I think but I’m sure there were a good amount of moments where he’s said some random shitty things to people who weren’t even really bothering him. I think this bc of the scene where Tyler meets Bob. Also he just is kinda canonically the type of guy to shit talk everyone he thinks he’s better than lol.

🍺(Drunk HC)

Tyler- I feel like it takes a him a lot of drinks to start feeling anything but when he does start feeling it, he’s starts clinging onto narrator and gets all whiny when the narrator tries to leave or just get up momentarily (which has narrator sitting back down at the speed of light 💀).

If it’s in a party setting, I can see him trying to dance but he’s stumbling around a lot & probably spills his drink onto some people lol. I think drinking for him mostly just helps him feel more relaxed and lets him feel like he can put his guard down a little because he can just excuse any ‘soft’ or ‘lame’ moments he has on the drinking.

Narrator- drinking usually helps him get a confidence boost & leads him to being more wild. He’s so much more likely to say all kinds of nasty, loving, sweet things right to Tyler’s face when he’s drank so much. He pulls the first moves on him alllll night :3

He gets really embarrassed the next morning though when Tyler reminds him of the things he said and did.

[certified-anakinfucker]

📖 RN NOW PLS

you have no idea how far back i had to go in my OLD ask tag to find this fucking link. i love you kebbie i really do and i hope this genuinely proves it - so send me a book for a daydreamed story of mine! trust me i have many!

this ask has deadass been in my box for two years now um. holy fuck. its gonna be super long bc this is actually my excuse to force myself to figure out how this fucking story actually goes. youre my sacrificial lamb, babe <3

under the cut for toxic/abusive relationship themes | mostly stemming from not putting an end to toxic cycles and briefly refusing to believe it was an issue

so i had this old ass wip, right. it was called parisian lovers despite no one in the entire story being french whatsoever and it was basically a love story for a sexual relationship with danger turning into a genuine view into what happens when you dont. like check yourself before running headlong into what you think you want

ive since started readapting it to (surprise) swtor and an excuse to explore sith pureblood (henceforth referred to as "tsis") cultures surrounding whats considered normal in their dating/relationships, and also how it challenges familial relationships

the details of it are super fuzzy mostly bc all the meat of it was lost to twitter dms that i refuse to open. so heres a quick fast easy rundown

basically, youve got tsiksos. he is the third born and third son of an extremely powerful and wealthy union of bloodlines, and since hes really not the most important one, he decides he wants to study a niche theory of dark arts. something about how channeling power needed to cast sorcery can be amplified through vocals and choreography. basically he went to a contemporary dance school for the shadow wizard money gang

tsiksos meets ûtainoz, who is practically a beast in this school. he sees the valedictorian spot and hes steamrolling anyone he needs to. hes ruthless, hes heartless, hes a smooth-talker, he will do anything to get his way, and tsiksos found that hot and sexy and definitely worth falling in love with

predictably, this goes terribly. tsiksos doesnt know what the hell he walked into, only that he may as well enjoy it because hes sleeping with the hottest, most talented guy at this school. ûtainoz got a little too comfortable, though, and by the end of their tenure there lost his valedictorian spot to tsiksos,,, who was also gunning for it right under his nose

but whatever, its fine, they go their separate ways with the taste of one anothers venom permanently burned in each others mouths. they both fill their own niches. ûtainoz goes into more of a performative, traveling role and relies on his aesthetic rather than his power - whereas tsiksos followed through with his intent and deepened his connection to the dark arts through what he learned. he became something of a siren, honestly

anyway anyway anyway. tsiksos moves off of his homeworld. he decides he wants to actively burn fires through everywhere ûtainoz has been. and hes extremely successful. he wants to win, he needs to win, he will win. he meets utajhaiw while in the new city, and while poor utajhaiw falls in love - tsiksos sees someone he can keep close with him if he just uses all the right words.

which works! theyre together, its great, theyre fucking almost daily. but they argue every hour. to the point where it gets violent more often than not with tsiksos on the offensive. the arguments are largely fabricated or instigated out of boredom. but isnt it worth it for the sloppy nasty disgusting hateful makeup sex?

yeah well. the neighbors of their apartment dont think so. theyve nearly called the cops every time, until neighbor laishtzi comes over to investigate what just hit the wall. he gets pulled, literally, into the middle of their fuck. his partner rîshja follows and, likewise, gets pulled into the middle of their fuck. its like some sort of apology thing for them too and it becomes regular.

enter: their friend nunjor, a lawyer (i think. something like that) who also ! gets pulled into the sex life. whats worse is that both tsiksos and utajhaiw both fell in love with nunjor and wanted to have him as a permanent third.

sometime after this, the whole hatefucking thing gets a little too hateful. tsiksos actually genuinely nearly kills utajhaiw, and hes starting to hide the knives in earnest. nunjor suggests that they attend actual couples' things instead of just their joint performances where utajhaiw plays and tsiksos conjures something.

they try it. they enjoy it. their relationship actually improves. they make a vase together in a ceramics class.

by the way, utajhaiw has asthma. tsiksos has been stressing him out so bad hes started smoking. on purpose. yes it is what you think it is and tsiksos thinks its hot because he wants to shotgun the smoke from his mouth

anyway, something happens and tsiksos starts backsliding. they have another argument and he breaks their ceramic vase. all that dust from the glaze and the clay triggers a pretty bad asthma attack, bad enough that the neighbors come over (it had been so long without an incident) and call the paramedics to come get him. utajhaiw actually snaps at tsiksos in the middle of literally coughing himself to death, and this is uh. a little traumatizing. because its never been this bad before.

utajhaiw makes it to the hospital fine, refuses to see tsiksos, and nunjor is on utajhaiw's side - that was fucking uncalled for, dude. tsiksos goes back to their apartment, alone for the first time since they bought it together. naturally he should not be alone at this time

laishtzi phones a friend, kaqur (psychiatrist-adjacent) and his partner jashru (probably a psychologist, if not professional "wtf is wrong with you, stop that"). they agree to take tsiksos in while utajhaiw is back home with his family.

its about a year i think? that tsiksos stays with them, basically on s-watch, and it turns out he has a really severe derealization + depersonalization whammy going on, spurned from still dressing the way ûtainoz liked him to dress and the way other people wanted to see his body. he punched through a mirror. so once he started dressing in looser, more comfortable clothing - surprise! he felt better!!!

(meanwhile, utajhaiw spent a year at home strengthening his lungs again, writing songs and poetry, and reconsidering his entire life. spoiler alert: he actually was in love with tsiksos)

but things are never easy. at some point, tsiksos has a bit of a meltdown and breaks out of his little prison, steals the spare key to his apartment, and ends up burrowing in the bed wearing utajhaiws clothes and sleeping on his side of the bed because he feels so fucking bad about what he did to him. but uhhhhhhh.

apparently nunjor also decided to pay a visit that night. and tsiksos, in some nightmare-sleep-haze, reacts to nunjor trying to wake him as if he were ûtainoz - meaning he tried to apologize through offering his body. rubbing his hands on his thighs, face in his crotch (since nunjor was standing at the side of the bed). when nunjor gently corrected him and woke him (not that he would have been upset at the idea of fucking him again, buth he didnt seem to be in the right headspace) it actually uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sent tsiksos into a worse panic. scrambling out of the bed. tripping on something. breaking a glass.

oh, hello ptsd - it sure is nice crab-scrambling backwards on your hands and bare feet over glass while hyperventilating and sobbing so hard you genuinely cant see. again, laishti and rîshja to the rescue getting him back to kaqur and jashru.

so heres where the fun happens. ûtainoz comes back. hes genuinely changed for the better, he is apologetic. he wants to make it up to the person he hurt the worst. does tsiksos take him up on that? yes. should he have? yes, actually, because he needed the closure.

they start rekindling what little flame they had together. days turn into weeks, months, and theyre getting along just fine. apparently nunjor had left, and tsiksos had no comm - by the time tsiksos noticed, it was uh. almost a little too late.

theres a time where tsiksos and ûtainoz are in a speeder together and ohhhh nunjor is a poet, its in his full name, but he also composes. he sings. and he sings about how badly someone has just lifted him higher than ever before dropping him down into nothing. tsiksos has a breakdown on the lawn of some random recreational park.

things will get better again, though! somewhere along the way, tsiksos and ûtainoz make peace with who they are and who they were. nunjor comes back and he and tsiksos talk it out. they forgive each other. and then tsiksos and utajhaiw reunite. they explain a lot. they forgive each other.

tsiksos/utajhaiw/nunjor throuple endgame is the only thing that matters to me actually.

thanks for coming to my ted talk i love you so much

[squidthechaotickid]

Please tell me about your Sonic OCs

I am SO happy u also asked bc I just answered Fire's ask,, I'm happy people r actually interested lmao

U can read that entire rant if u want but to sum it up: Emerald is a terrible father and Pip and Saturn were in gay love (until ofc the horrors)

ACTUALLY I'm going to use this ask an excuse to ramble abt Emerald and Saturn's relationship, since the last ask was focused on Pip and Saturn <33

So uhm. Emerald is a cat who has a criminal organization, as I mention earlier. He's on the older side, abt 50-55, and also probably has a wife and kids (/j mostly)

When Saturn was small, probably around 2, he surprise adopted them (kidnapped basically) in what was originally going to be a blackmail attempt but instead turned into training her into being one of his best agents, Agent 27 (why did he make that choice? Long story but to sum it up he hated her bio father bc of a long rivalry, and wanted him to suffer. He thought making his daughter into something he would hate would hurt worse than just taking her)

(Note - Her name was originally Violet, but they don't figure that out until after they run away. Unfortunately, her parents died during the war, so they never got to truely meet)

Emerald wasn't a great dad. He was incredibly manipulative, being kind and friendly one day, just often enough that 27 almost thought he cared, and then would switch to being a harsh and cruel boss, allowing no room for mistakes and molding them into his ideal agent. 27 didn't know better and assumed this was all normal.

Emerald didn't let 27 be a kid much. They were an agent before all else, meaning they had to avoid close relationships, friendly or otherwise, and obey orders. 27 was too scared to disobey. They were walking the line with their familial relationship with the jackal squad

During the war, it was 27 who convinced Emerald to join Eggmans side. They were mad and wanted vengeance for the dead jackal squad. Emerald took this as a sign of them finally and truly becoming "like him."

It was a few months after the war that 27 made the choice to run away. The jackal squad, Zero especially, had been trying to convince her to for years, bc they could see how unhealthy their relationship to Emerald was.

They packed their few belonging, waited until nightfall, and left under the guise of going in a mission. They changed their name to Saturn, cut their hair from a long ponytail to a short look similar to Starline's (not based on his, they never met), and eventually ran into Gadget and Finn.

Zero and Saturn were really close before everything, so Finn and Saturn clicked. Both were villains trying to redeem themselves. Gadget took Saturn in and resolved himself to having two different war criminals in his home

Saturn eventually found out they were nonbinary, and also made friends and slowly learned how to be their own person, and not just a monolith of what Emerald wanted

The three become a family, and they all lived happily ever after!

Until ofc Emerald came looking for Saturn, bc of course he would.

Saturn is a mess of trauma and anger issues, but they're working on it <33

[lucidapricity]

It's smart y/n time:

Reader: *sits down, boss CEO style*

Jungkook: hello beloved, wut did you want to speak to me about?

Reader: I have an essay in my head filled with analyses, and observations with a very interesting conclusion. We're about to do this L Lawliet style.

Jungkook: wait who-

Reader: Let me start by saying, no, I am not a heavenly being, nor am I a witch of some sort. But I think it's quite obvious that you are a demon. I'm a good ass observer. The signs are obvious too. You and your family members are demons. Everyone interesting I've met is a guy, that's #1

Jungkook: o_o

Reader: Number #2, you are all abnormally tall. Number #3, it is only when you and the others are around that I feel sick to my stomach. Number #4, Specifically after I met YOU, my clothes went missing and you act love sick around me. We call that yandere. Number #5, Yoongi refers to me as "mortal/human" suggesting that he isn't one himself. Number #6, I have dreams and the last dream I had, I recall 7 hands feeling up my body. I have met 6 of you, meaning I have one more to meet unfortunately. Number #7, before I met you, there was a stormy day where I heard 7 loud lightning strikes out of the blue. Highly abnormal; and again, the number 7 comes into play. Number #8, Jin, the one I most recently met, doesn't know the simplicities of cooking and when I say that, I mean he doesn't know much about HUMAN food. Number #9, Tae says he's from heaven, and he's right apparently. Number #10, Hobi just so happens to know who Jimin and Yoongi are. Number #11, I asked you where you have been for a year and you "didn't want to talk about it". Number #12, the first time I met you, you looked abnormally beautiful yet had on stray clothing.

Now if we just add everything up, that leads me to suspect you, Jungkook Jeon, are a fallen angel and have been deceiving me this entire time. Your family members included. It's over; you lost the game. I win.

Jungkook: I-how do I respond to this?

Yeah l u c i d a p r i c i t y, how exactly DOES he respond to this? 🤔

ok so first things first, they’re not demons, they’re fallen angels. though it seems like they are the hellish creatures, they aren’t due to various differences in the WotN universe that i implemented in. for the third observation, reader doesn’t really get nauseous around them bc of who they are (at least in their “mortal” forms), it’s mostly her having uneasy feelings and her nerves being all over the place.

if jungkook had to face this kind of energy from the reader, he’d have to create the most abstract lie/excuse ever. or he has to quickly enact the kidnapping at this point since she’s already figured what the whole deal is. that would definitely frustrate the fuck out of namjoon because at that point, he was not ready for her to know everything.

however since the reader isn’t that observant, some of their “quirks” fly over her head: she assumes that jin is just a terrible cook and has never cooked for himself, she’s partially convinced that yoongi remembers the past life he was in, she thinks that tae’s heaven line is just a stupid joke, etc. i think that’s just natural human behavior, reasoning out things that don’t make any kind of sense and process it in a way that helps us understand it so we can feel secure about it.