#but also wow im kind of emotional ... some of my older writing is so fucking beautiful

[hideyseek]

5, 9, 12!

crab!! hi hi hi hi hi hiiiii~! ty for quastions :3

from fanfic asks for the new year

5. Which WIP is first on your list to complete this year? Will you post a snippet?

aha, well. technically the first is mini heist!au but none of it is written that is in the shape of the final thing that i haven't already posted on here so i'm gonna cheat and say uh. wow huh okay then i kind of have no idea. ah! maybe my arthurcobb fic then! cos it sure won't be narrative!fic, lol!

here is a snippet from the current draft which is uhh three and a half years old (by which i mostly mean to say, there are a couple things in here i would write differently now.):

Arthur brings his coffee up to the counter where Dom has already deposited his onion rings and says, “Excuse me, can I purchase a — a temporary phone?” If he doesn't call it a burner maybe he will come off as more the kind of person he actually is. The cashier puts up a finger in question and Arthur nods but behind him Dom says firmly, “Two.”  Arthur turns, surprised. “Why — we don’t need two?” They’re traveling together, after all. Arthur’s not about to leave Dom alone, so it’s not like Dom will need his own phone. It’s not like Dom’s super functional, anyway. The three days he’d spent on Arthur’s couch before they read the news and had to leave town extremely suspiciously, he’d really just spent on the couch. “We don’t need two phones, Dom,” Arthur repeats.  “What if we get separated,” Dom points out. “How would we get in contact with each other again? You should have your own phone, too.” Arthur would rather not think about circumstances that would separate them. Dom says, “Arthur,” and it feels pointed. Something like panic hollows Arthur’s chest. Things are already out of control, apparently. Two days into being on the run and apparently Dom can call these shots but he can’t be on the run by himself.

9. Short term goals… what do you hope to complete this week or in January?

ahaha actually, getting this ask made me decide that i'm going to try my absolute best to finish the project i've been calling "mini heist!au" (which ... at this point ... is just an au of heist!au without any heists in it, lmao) this month! i used answering this ask as my bribe for reading through all the existing material and drawing up a revision plan / new fic story structure actually. i'm not sure i'll be able to, i suspect there are 2-4 drafts and i simply do not write that fast (at least one from scratch based on a new outline, possibly a second from scratch, and then a second/third that's just like. content/theme/cadence/character arcs etc revisions. though that might get complex enough to be two drafts). but we'll see! there are still 24 days so at this current moment i am optimistic :3

12. Will you change anything about the way you edit or rewrite this year?

YES I SURE FUCKING WILL. I HAVE BEGUN IT ACTUALLY, mostly i'm continuing to test a thing i tried in december 2023 to see if it still works for projects that aren't the specific situation of the beginning of devotion (so far, yes!) anyway the way that process goes is like this (recipe below):

first, write a terrible draft. some scenes can just be a note of what needs to happen. ideally: expend as little fucking effort on this as possible bc like. almost none of this will stay. just write enough to get the vibes of what you're going for.

second, read through that draft taking notes of what you like or don't like (or, the way i phrase it for myself to make the goal clearer "what feels like it is aligned with my vision for the fic vs what isn't") but most importantly. WHY.

for me doing this second step has 2/2 turned into "here is a rough outline of the story, completely restructured" but also, with no ending (which is fine, i just have to trust that the ending will appear when more of the draft is written).

third, compile those notes on a new draft into a narrative-order outline (linear for me).

fourth, write the new draft.

fifth, try to do step 2 again. but what i found for the beginning of devotion and therefore what i'm to a certain extent expecting, is that i will just have a bunch of Ns/dislikes and then go. ah. because the things i dislike are too granular to require big-picture story structure changes now.

sixth, copy the most recent draft into a new doc. and read through and revise directly on the page. maybe title at some point so that revision stuff is aligned with the mood/tone/content/vibes/whatever of the title. and maybe come up with initial tags and a summary here also to make sure the vibes are all aligned. hopefully the content of the ending will become clear at this point and you'll draft that for the first or second time.

seventh, idk i like to do an out-loud readthrough bc reading cadence is important to me personally. and also i am scared to lose the skill of reading aloud considering i do it about zero times a year other than this.

that's it basically.

[the-warmesthello]

owen's family/siblings hcs

a couple of hcs about owen's family bc im sick and need to write these down before the delirium fades and i completely forget all of this.

PRE-POSTING EDIT: i'm better now. i did, in fact, forget all of this and am piecing it back together. this isn't fully sick me's vision, but it is what i think.

PRE-POSTING EDIT EDIT: wow this is so fucking long why am i incapable of being normal about this. btw just realised that these r ocs. im making ocs. i didn't think of them as ocs up until now, just as literally what his family's like the same way canon is what his adult life's like, but i made spies are forever ocs and you will hear about them. this message brought to you by me a week after i started making this post.

this is the springboard for all my stuff about owen's family. in this post i'm only focussing on childhood except where i think i might forget. my barb-owen lavender marriage au is based on inheritance fraud regarding these specific people. i might contradict myself later, but probably not.

trigger warnings: emotionally abusive family, ableism, parent death, traumatic/accidental death, trauma and its aftermath, child labour exploitation i think?, war undertones, abusive school experiences, one mention of anti-welsh sentiment, implied antisemitism. if you want to skip the worst of the death bit, skip the 3rd point under C.

very long also putting in bigger tags so don't want to force people to see triggering stuff, so it's under a read more.

parents

father's (b. 1895) side of the family is old money. very proudly welsh in the way of language and history, but they're politically aligned with the crown. all tories, except for a cousin that started voting plaid cymru in 1927 and was disowned. father has a strong desire for a well-rounded, educated, "manly gentleman" for a son, the same as what his father wanted. lineage is everything for the carvours. that's how it's always been.

mother (1904-1942) was jewish. her family immigrated to swansea when her parents were both children ('they met on the boat over, and it was love at first sight', mother would tell them). they integrated and became comfortably wealthy, though by what means mother never told. when she told her parents she wanted to marry a goy who wouldn't consider conversion, they fought, and even though they made up, the relationship stayed stunted.

sibling intro

owen had 3 siblings growing up: an older brother (by 6 years, A), a younger sister (by 4 years, B), and a younger brother (by 10 years, C).

someone help me with their names i'm tired. some ideas i have: - A (edit: alan reese carvour) i want to be a name that i would associate with an older guy, with fewer spelling-related ties to welsh than his younger siblings. alan, reese, trevor/trev, gavin, brian, edwin/ed - B (edit: catrin avalon carvour) i want to be similar to the name owen, one that's clearly welsh/a welsh variant if you think about it but enough of a common name that it's not super obvious to foreigners. gwen, catrin/cadi, megan, nia, enid, avalon/ava, rhiannon (cant use gwen unless owen's trans and he chose a name similar to his sister's on purpose) - C (edit: dafydd arthur carvour) i want to have a welsh spelling of a name that could be anglicised easily, should he wish. dafydd/dai, gwilym, arthur, daryn, harri

A

A was born in the may of 1924 while the carvours were still living in london. mother and father had recently married, and mother was young and didn't have very much support outside of her in-laws, who resented her for reasons A will never understand.

he'd always been kind of a troublemaker, throwing things and screaming and colouring all over the nursery wall, but his father didn't bother trying to fix any of it because 'boys will be boys', and his mother used to try but gave up easily when he preferred his father to her because 'forcing someone to like you better never works'.

due to this, he never really learned how to cope with emotions in a healthy way and often "embarrassed" his parents with his public emotional outbursts. only then did his father care how he acted, but the sudden rule change didn't make sense. he picked up on that shame and internalised it deeply, becoming defensive whenever someone suggested another idea to him.

probably has some kind of undiagnosed thing, but nobody ever took him to be tested when he was young, by the time he was old enough to communicate that it was a problem he didn't like either, everyone had already written him off as manipulative and beyond saving.

so he stopped caring. if he did something wrong, he was a horrible little brat. if he tried to do what people asked, they said he was trying to get something out of them.

eventually, his parents (or at least his mother) improved somewhat, but at that point he wanted nothing to do with them and was grateful that he only had to see them on school holidays. their attempts were too little, too late.

resents owen for being the 'better son', but very protective of his other siblings.

found a healthy coping mechanism in lifting heavy things when he was tasked with digging anderson shelters for everyone and felt the weight of his frustration being thrown away behind him with the soil.

this became his go-to calming method, even if it meant father screamed at him.

after 1942, he didn't dig any more holes. it was too much to bear.

so he turned his escapism into perfectionism and channelled his athleticism into boxing. he dropped out of college, got a promoter, and spent every waking moment counting out money, considering the odds of each fight, and training.

it was overwhelming, but that's what he wanted it to be.

eventually got disowned for leftism crimes. (good for him)

owen

yes i'm gonna make one of these for him too.

born in november 1930 in aberystwyth. parents' marriage more established, but not strictly happy. owen picked up on clear ideological differences between his parents at a young age, but both were raising their children under their model of success.

an 'odd' child, but in a way that was less of an inconvenience to adults so was never reprimanded for it.

he didn't really understand why people liked some behaviours better than others, but knew that when he did the right things, people were nicer to him, and sometimes even gave him things, so he learned to play the game.

honestly, as an adult he finds it funny that A was always seen as manipulative when really out of anyone in the family it was himself. i mean, like, he knew that sucked for A, but he wasn't gonna say anything about it.

since he was the "smart one", he became the de facto eldest son, and was given a much more thorough education in languages, music, and science.

played the cello, first because father told him to, then because he liked it. he liked the way it could sway with him and how deep it sounded.

father liked how there were no frets forcing one in line, like a guitar, but one still had to follow the rules or it would sound bad.

when war broke out, owen was introduced to a family that had recently moved in. his father said that he should get to know the children, they were his age. they could be friends.

after dinner that evening, his father invited him to his office, a rare honour. a machine was already set up, and owen watched the wheels rotate as he answered question after question about the neighbours' children's lives.

where are they from? have you been able to see anything in that room no child is allowed into? what did that note slipped under the front door say? can you draw it? what have they overheard about the move? what did they say their parents' jobs were? what is... who did... where... thank you, owen, that's all. you may go to your room now, there's something there for you. think of it as a token of gratitude for your trouble.

this continued for a few months, all the way up until the family disappeared. owen thought it was odd that they hadn't brought their things.

either way, the conversations stopped after that, until the next time. and the next.

when he decided to join mi6's training program, he couldn't help but notice that his file was already several pages thick on his first day.

way back in 1942, he was the first to hear the siren. the sound made him feel sick for the rest of his life.

B

born in july 1934. with the 'heir and a spare' out of the way, the pressure on mother to produce another son was gone, and both parents welcomed a baby girl.

spoiled by her father with material goods, but she could sense that it was to set her up for something, and there was less emotion behind it than a plan, though for what she couldn't know.

had a knack for cheering people up, even father. she could sing, and dance around a room, and perform a smile to make it all better for a moment.

she loved her siblings. if father was treating A unfairly, she would mediate. if owen was cracking under the weight of his schoolwork, languages, music lessons, the now mandatory play sessions with the neighbours, readings, and shooting practice, she would sneak into his room and offer to help cover for him.

great tree-climber. sometimes would go up and wouldn't get down unless there was food waiting for her.

some days, mother would take her into a secret room off one of the corridors nobody went through, and in there were candlesticks, both straight and tree shaped, and a cup that looked older than even mother, and a cloth that mother taught her to put on her head with a song in a language she didn't understand. there was a little metal canister on the doorframe, and when she was very little mother would lift her up so she could touch it whenever she went in or out.

mother used to say, 'this is where we come from. remember that.' and 'this is precious, and secret, and only for us to know. we can't tell father.' and it was only when B was grown, and had her own husband, and her own children, that she understood.

loved painting. mostly her dreams, which she could remember as vividly as any other memory.

what happened that night in 1942 was only 4 hours after she blew her eight birthday candles out. every year hearing the birthday song would bring it back.

talking about mother hurt after that, so she didn't.

her paintings became more focused, more like the dreams she had in the few years after that night, even when her dreams moved on somewhat. the current dream paintings were private, only shared with her family and close friends.

the ones she shared were precipices, a candle being snatched by the darkness of a tunnel, mother telling her that she was sorry for leaving while sitting with B in a sunny field, on a train, in the secret room.

after her death, the moderate number of people in the art world who know her work will wonder who the woman in her work is.

some say a reflection of herself, some a recurring character living a full life, some later on suggest a lover. the truth was that B never fully moved on from what happened, even though her life did.

C

born during the war in january of 1941. both mother and he had almost died, and he was sick for a month following his birth.

has no memories of mother, but always thought that she looked very pretty in pictures.

C was only 18 months old when the siren went off. mother had lifted him out of his cot while the whole family and staff filed out of their rooms to the shelters. it had been dark, and mother was shaking so much, the way she always did when this happened, and she must have missed a step on the way down. she had twisted backwards to protect him the only way she could.

father never let him forget that it was his fault.

growing up, owen and B were the only people in the house who wanted to take care of him, and they tried their best.

but C was... different. more delicate. he seemed to get sick if someone across the house shut a door too loudly. he had no interest in climbing trees or playing the cello. he seemed almost like a rabbit, always looking around, scared that something was going to get him at any moment.

the only thing he seemed to like doing was reading. he learned at what might've been a remarkably young age, but must not have been, because father never said anything. owen told him later that they'd learned to read at the same age, and he was told that it was early, so C must also have been a quick learner.

owen helped with his learning as much as he could, but support from father was impossible and textbooks were so much more difficult than fiction. in fiction he could go wherever he wanted.

his favourites were a little princess, the naughtiest girl in the school, and trixie belden mysteries.

father tried to take them away, said they were too girly, but B always managed to sneak them back. she recommended more grown up mysteries, like poirot and father brown, for when he needed a 'boyish enough' story. but it was always the boarding school stories he liked best.

so he was excited to see what adventures would await him when he finally got to go himself.

it didn't go well.

(he'd one day find that most things never do go the way they are in stories.)

the school he went to was english, and the boys all made fun of his name and how his chin jutted out when he was nervous and the way he talked, as well as everything his father had.

he spelled his name differently when they said it made him look stupid for 'spelling it wrong'.

the teachers criticised his posture and his handwriting and how he undermined their authority, though he didn't mean to, really he didn't, it was an accident.

the teachers said that if it happened this many times it couldn't have been an accident.

when he turned 21, he changed his uni major (then dropped out altogether), changed his attitude, changed his clothes. became a writer/producer as part of a travelling theatre company. all for the sake of being free.

some would say he went too far in that.

[rosiehufflepuff]

☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑

𝓦𝓮𝓫 𝓸𝓯 𝓮𝓶𝓸𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼

🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️🍑☁️

Summary : Draco emotions is getting the best of him , as you and Harry are paired for astronomy project , causing a big hit in your friendship not only that but also causing you to ask why he was jealous when you are only friends and how he is trying to control who you can have as friends and who you can’t have as you call out his toxic behaviour and Draco discovers his emotions .

Draco X Fem Reader

Warning : jealousy . Possessive Draco , Insecure Draco , Harry and Draco rivalry , Angst , and too much FLUFF

House : Hufflepuff

Year : fifth

Link of the casual outfit : https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eMCrdnjLtSN-6Xjysfvffq4HzeX-rJk_/view?usp=drivesdk

———————————————————————

Draco watched as his anger was getting too big that he felt that his body couldn’t contain it anymore , usually Draco could keep a straight face whatever any emotion he felt but at this moment he couldn’t , you were smiling at Potter being all friendly and such , leading his blood to boil , you were extremely friendly with the annoying Gryffindor!! Yes , he get it , Hufflepuff and all , being nice is the nature , that what made him attached to you in first place , but you were talking and being kind To HIS ENEMY ! You shouldn’t even be talking to him !! In first place !! You were his friend ! HIS !!! You should only talk to him not his enemies !!

“ hoho wow ... we are finally seeing emotions on malfoy face “ Theo couldn’t help but comment with a smug smirk as he earns a harsh scowl from the icy blonde boy “ shut it Nott or I swear the next thing that you will see is my shoes squishing your eyes “ “ he is right though Malfoy , your face is literally changing colours , expression , and literally your eyes are stuck on them ! “ Blaise commented more like stating fact ” that is true also !! , draco do you know what we are doing for this project ? ” pansy gave a questionable look to the pale boy, resulting in draco to run his hand in his hair as he breaths heavily , getting up from his chair “ since you all being Nosy Fucking Twats and it seems like you have plenty of time to blab why don’t you all continue on the project , yeah ? “ with that draco left with glare as he walked out of the library to cool off “ he got it so bad ......” Theo commented with a smirk “ yes completely ” earning an agreement from both Slytherins .

Draco went out , breathing deeply the fresh air , you were his friend and his hate for Harry was no secret for you and you were a Hufflepuff and that was no secret for Draco , he knows ‘ the moral code of the Hufflepuffs’ and how strong did you hold into them .

However what irritated and concerned Draco was you and Potter were friends. Before..... You and him even talked , he is fully aware of Potter ideas about slytherin and him....which leaded to a fear of losing you to him......

Does he trust your judgement? ...........of course he does , does he trust Potter ? Dear Salazar NO .... and that what worries him ... also the idea of you and Harry leaves a sour taste in his mouth , a strong one .

you were quite attractive and you had a decent personality And of course what will make the Gryffindor happier than making the slytherin ‘s life miserable!......... by taking you away from him and as much as he despised it, you and Potter are quite fitted for each other ......but no way in the name of Merlin ’s Bread he would give you to him!!

The slytherin prince now knew for sure that universe actually hated his guts cause just in this moment you and Potter walked out , you , smiling as harry is pointing out the stars while you are carrying a sketch book with your quil as you both admired the dark night sky .

Draco didn’t know what is the assignment was nor he cared about it in this moment , all he cared about was to hear what you and Potter talked about , as the way to do that was neither of you can see him . Causing him to blend with the darkness of the trees shadows

“ and you see here , two days from now we will see Jupiter's movement ! “ Harry explained excitingly causing you to smile “ yes i know !! However ........ I feel it would be hard to see from the astronomy tower as all fifth year students would be there for it ...... do you think we would able to glance it , write the essay and fill the star chart ......? “ you couldn’t help but voice your concerned leading Harry to think for a moment

“ Gryffindor tower !!” “ excuse me ........I meant ......say again..........? “ “ we can see it from the Gryffindor tower !!” “ wait really ??” “ yes , most of students won’t think of this “ “ well I’m sure Hermione did think of that “ you said while giggling a little , making Harry himself chuckle “ of course she would “ he said it , rolling his eyes jokingly as he continued “ we can of course go there .......if you have n-no problem I mean ........” “ of course ! Why would I have a problem in Helga ‘s name ? “ you said giving the chosen boy a big smile , making him grin himself “ excellent ! Meet me in front of the fat lady portrait !” ” you got yourself a deal potter ” you said seriously, resulting in him to chuckle ” beautiful deal I would say ” ” well that was smooth ” you said as you gave the boy in glasses a playful look ” really? I thought it was little sap ” yes kinda but still smooth ” ” ouch well I better go before I say more sappy stuff yeah? See ya tomorrow ” ” see ya!!” you both parted ways, not noticing the hidden boiling fire in the very dark.

Draco was furious and angry, he flirted with you AND YOU FLIRTED BACK !! HE ASKED YOU ON A DATE AND YOU ACCPET IT !! that is a project NOT A CHANCE FOR POTTER TO SNOG YOU !!!

He didn’t like what he saw , in fact, it resulted in leaving a huge fury to swallow his body , to him , it was you choosing Potter over him and it left a wound in the pale boy ‘s heart , like everyone else they would .... he didn’t know why it was hurting , .... it felt like you are leaving him behind .....and replacing him with what people always say, is better than him ........ Draco couldn’t control his emotions anymore resulting in him to run to the slytherin dungeon to be alone with his thoughts , he is not gonna give Potter what he always wanted .... which is a breakdown .

🌻————————-🌻

After two days passed , it was the weekend and Merlin , you didn’t wanna to wake up after a whole week the last day always seemed to be so hard but you needed to get up , no matter what , cause no one would Attend it for you .

An annoyed groan slips from your mouth as you jump out of the bed stretching and getting yourself into your yellow and black uniform , last day but one of the busiest , you have heavy school day not forgetting of course the meeting with Harry. However you were quite excited , you are gonna see the Jupiter movement clearly also you never saw the Gryffindor tower from inside so yes , maybe it will be a good day after all.

Walking out to your first class which was herbology a subject you completely adored , being with professor sprout cheerful personality and voice , some people fainting causing a giggle here and there , the whispers of the plants and finally , A current slytherin shared this class with you and being with him made the hardest things bearable , one of these is Snape class of course , with his help and quiet jokes he made you like it a little ,

Giggling at some old jokes Draco did through the classes you shared , you notice that you arrived to the green house .

You stood inside of the green house with Fanged Geranium sitting on the table showing her teeth in front Of you , as you hear the head of your house talking about the quality of it and how to deal with it , your eyes wondered to check on Draco .

You didn’t see him since you entered , you knew draco likes the green house , even though he would never admit it to the world , you saw the twinkle in his eyes when he is looking to the plants however he was no where in the sight ,

it is like the sky heard you or something and wanted to prove you wrong cause suddenly the door of green house opened quietly , revealing the white haired boy , walking as he bows to the older hufflepuff “oh good dear Helga ..... you are so late Mr.Malfoy !!!” “Im very knowledgeable about that Mrs sprout and I give you my apologies....” the older teacher couldn’t help but sigh “ fine , go take your plant next to Miss L/N .....please miss L/N ....update Mr. Malfoy about the topic ....For the rest , please work on your plants carefully ! I don’t wanna accidents !!! Not again !!!!! “

Even thought he looked perfectly put together , the slytherin ‘s face was looking yellowish , was he sick ? , thinking again - you never saw him yesterday at all ... was something going on ....? However you knew he didn’t like to be pressed for stuff so you just watch him as he took his place next to you ...

you give him the warmest comforting smile “ Draco good morning dear .......did you sleep well “ a nod , you get only a nod from the boy so you try to keep the conversation going “ well ... today we are assigned the plant of Fanged Geranium and we need - “ I actually know about it....... I read about it in a book before , you don’t need to waste your energy yeah? “ like that he cuts you off sharply and for some reason he seemed distance , you were weirded out by that kind of behavior but you thought maybe that is his morning attitude which eventually would disappear ...so you both continued to work in silence .

Soon the class ended , you hear Draco sigh as he walks away to his Slytherin friends , ignoring you completely which weirded you out , he never did that he would at least wave or something or make sure his hand brushed yours giving you a smirk ...his new behavior was weird ....you decided to let it to be , till it is lunch time for you both, -to give him a breath of time- , you will make sure to catch him and ask him about his act .

🌻————————🌻

Moving from class to class to class you were half done with the day ......finally Merlin ..........you were getting tired from all these classes as now you have the chance to eat for first time in the day as you skipped the frost meal in exchange of sleeping more , cause Dear Helga....... you were almost dead tired from the whole week and you needed these extra hours .

As you were running from the class , ready for the feast that will be served to your groaning stomach , you got faced by the crowded halls .

Trying to make your way through , you pumped into the slytherin prince, however before you open your mouth , he looked to you in the eyes then just walked away without of course forgetting to pump his shoulder into yours .........saying you were surprised would be underestimating .....what was this all about ...why he is being like that ....you were best friends ......well .....he was your best friend at least.......you were confused and somehow getting an anxious feelings in you Body . That you forget that you froze in mid of hallway till someone told you to move ,resulting into you falling back to the reality , shoving all bad feelings into the back of your head , you start to move to the grand hall .

You sat in the grand hall , Eating your food .......well..........trying , you don’t know what happened but somehow the food didn’t taste as amazing as you imagined or maybe you just lost your appetite, either how, you just ate the food cause your body was in desperate need of energy recharge and the least you need is to faint and let Harry do the work , he was your close friend and that wasn’t fair to anyone in first place .

While eating you glanced The Malfoy Boy , Getting up after finishing his food and going outside , you jump on your feet as fast as you can walking in hurry to catch up to him , as soon as you did , you both were in the halls . “ draco “ you called , no answer “ draco , it is rude to not answer me ! Stop being a child and talk to me “ these words made the pale boy stop in his heels and turn to face you with cold gaze “ wanna talk ? Sure let s talk then ! ”

You took a deep breath to calm your soaring Anger ...someone needed to be the grown up now “ why are you behaving like that !!! What is this all about !!!” “Oh you recall fully what is this all about ....!” You were stunned......... what did you do you? “ what do you mean?” “ well you know what ....forget it !!” “ you know you are not communicating right now !!! I wanna comprehend what is it !” “ oh if I’m not communicating well then why don’t you go to Potter, I’m sure he will fulfill this for you better !”

So this what all of this about ......... with this foolish rivalry!!!...“ draco you totally realize that he is a friend !! Yes, you both are not in best terms but he is still my friend !!” “ yes, but witch !!! being in good terms with him doesn’t mean , being flirtatiousness and snogging him in the gryfindor tower !!! “ “ you were spying on me !!!!” You were sick....you are feeling sick from how the Slytherin boy felt so entitled to spy on you , and question you !!!who does he think Himself is! “ I wasn’t spying , you were the ones who were in public“ “ but you chose to hear it!You were spying !!!” ”Well even if I did !! I was protecting you !! I DONT TRUST HIM “ “ well right now It is you who I don’t trust !!! ....this is not protection THIS YOU TRYING TO CONTROL MY LIFE !! IN WHAT ENTITLEMENT DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TO FEEL LIKE THAT IS YOUR RIGHT !! IM NOT SOMETHING TO BE OWNED !! I DESERVE RESPECT ! “ you quieted for a moment to take a breath from the pervious outburst before continuing “ And from this sorry .....but I don’t see that you have that for me and I don’t think I would like to be friends anymore “ Draco eyes widened at this for a second almost missing it out before his straight cold look came back “ fine as you wish “ with that he walked away , leaving you behind with tears dripping out of your eyes .

Draco rushed through the halls to reach his perfect room fast , he felt chocked by all crowds that started to fill the halls , he felt the tears already were about to come out and the last thing he needed was the whole school to witness Draco Malfoy crying about a girl that he doesn’t comprehend what he feel about her and hurt him , barely reaching the slytherin common room without breaking down . The slytherin boy shuttered the password out of his lips ,hurrying to his perfect bedroom ignoring the glances that he was getting from his house mates , locking the door as he finally let all his emotions out in the loneliness of his room not attending the rest of the day .

🌻----------------🌻

You were getting ready to meet Harry for astronomy project , trying to hold all the emotions inside, like you did for the rest of the day after the dilemma with Draco , you didn’t see him after and that was better for you , you didn’t know how will you react , you trusted him but he has no respect for you , he was acting like you are his doll not his equal .....he didn’t trust you , you felt so small and disrespected , you wanted to cry not cause of him no but cause you feel you trusted someone one who didn’t see you for who you are but saw your as object but you won’t let someone who thought like that stop your life , you looked at yourself noticing your outfit : a lacy off white blouse with lantern sleeves with Peter Pan collar . blue straight ankle length jeans and beige ankle boots ,

breathing a deep breath , you look put together and that is what you wanted , you didn't want anyone to notice your mood and the tears that slipped here and there , the last thing you need to hear ‘are you okay ‘ , cause you knew for sure these words will make you cry , and you don’t wanna to explain to Harry The Who stupidity of situation and causing more drama .

Rushing out of the warm dorm of the Hufflepuff common room to the halls as you walked fast to read the fat lady portrait praying to helga in her grave to not make you face to face with the slytherin boy , as you reach the painting you took a deep breath, Causing a look from the lady in painting , you felt for a second like you almost forgot to breath from how anxious you were till you feel a hand on your shoulder , causing you to turn , you see the brown haired boy with his famous smile as if it is contiguous you smiled without feeling “ did I make you wait for long?” “ oh no no no not at all !! I just came here ! “ “ so ummm shall we ?” You nod with a smile , the gryffindor muttered the password of the week , showing a grand hole as entrance, you both crawl inside of the Gryffindor room , taking the whole inside of you, the room was warm and cozy just missing some plants and It would be a copy of your own house room somehow that was calming .

The chosen boy was correct, not many people was there and of course Hermione was there with some Ravenclaw and Ron causing you to giggle a bit without feeling it , knowing what this was about Harry himself let an airy laugh “ yes yes you were correct ....now stop , she is giving us looks!! “ the boy whispered trying to hold his laughter , indeed the girl was giving you look like you both are crazy or something , as you both failed to hold your laughter , but it was quite humorous for some reason , some gryfindors were there with their groups but it was so few That you can count them on your fingers .

Both of you and Harry settled down close to the window , talking as you admired the stars, trying to fill the chart and waiting to see Jupiter movement “ god when the bloody hell will it show “ you couldn’t help but giggle as you hear Ron hearing him resulting to get a hit from Hermione “ he is right though Harry we have been waiting for long “ you said as you stretched your legs that almost were falling off from having them in same position for long “ ��I think it will show soon ....” “ SHH it is happening !!” Hermione screamed on top of her lungs causing Ron to roll his eyes .

you watched......... memorised by the whole thing , it was marvellous thing ... all this beauty happening by nature ...nature amazed you with everything it provided and how beautifully it is done , you for sure won’t forget that ....

🌻----------------🌻

After long time of writing the essay , giggling at Ron foolishness , joking around , and helping each other in that pain in the arse assignment.... Yet it was somehow fun, painful work but fun .

later it was done ,Harry walked you to the painting and after huge back and forth, you convinced him that you would be fine going back to your room and nothing to be worried about.

you are now enjoying your walk to the hufflepuff common room , feeling the cold air and the soundlessness, cooling you, ......finally the weekend , done with the deadly assignment , sighing deeply , you realised you reached the entry , you play the rhythm to enter , ready to be welcomed by the talking plants and the warm room ,

This positivity get demolished by seeing a curtain blonde head youth sitting in front of the entry like a dog scolded by his owner , as soon as he sees you , he is quick on his feet , fixing his hair by running a hand in it

“ you are here .....y/n .....” “ ..........Malfoy ......” “ please don’t call me that ......” “ why it is your name , eh ? “ “y/n .........please......... don’t ........” you raise an eyebrow to him questionably , knowing your slient question, you see his face going from emotion to emotion to emotion as he tried to open his mouth to speak “I-I-I apologize for my foolishness and you are fully ........correct .....the way I behaved ...............childish was the way I acted ......I apologize again ......” draco sharp grey eyes was staring hard into your soul trying to read your face , try to see if you hated him or does he has any chance with your forgiveness .

You close your eyes breathing heavily for a second , you didn’t want to look into his eyes , you saw how swollen his bloody shot eyes were and he looked miserable however though some parts of you wanted to forgive the boy, you weren’t satisfied “draco .......the reason of your -“ “ I respect you ........way more than the words can tell .....and you totally deserve to know why this behavior..............it is not cause .....I don’t respect you no ..................it is cause some stupid silly emotions that let......me act like that -“ “ jealousy “

Gulping hard at the name of the emotion , Draco never felt jealous ever !! He is a Malfoy people felt jealous from him not the opposite what he wanted he got it , so this was a hard pill to swallow to him “ ...yes and had some fears.......... about potter.........and his thought about me ....resulting you .............to ........stop being with me ................. “ you held draco hands , finally realizing his feelings And for first time you see a rosiness tint on his cheeks , draco wasn’t very touching persona ....as he was so tense about it but he was used to it from you, later two years from knowing you nevertheless, he never flushed , he was accepting, awkwardly though , but no blushing , yet in his state you won’t point it out , it was already hard for him opening up and you appreciated and you wanna be comforting as you can as you try to calm his creeping anxiety . “ Draco I would never replace or leave cause someone opinion ever !! You mean so much to me !! I can’t imagine you out of my life ....you are very important and unreplaceable to me and thank you for apologising “ you say as you hug him , causing his body to go tense before warping his shaking arms around before squeezing you tightly as he bury his face in your shoulder , your run your hand in his soft messy hair as you hear him speak softly “ I discovered a new emotion also ....” “hmm ?” ..........Love..............”

__________________________________________

I don't know if there is going to be part two!! But I hope you all like this

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[maldito-arbol]

SHDHHRHENS OKAY OKAY UUMMM

The part at the starT about red,,, oh god they have all gone through so much holy shit 😭 Anne,,, what was She gonna say Mal?? WHAT WAS IT? Omg all the stuff with the gems 👀 tbh I needed more of all three of the gems interacting in my life, what They need to do to converge is shhebebbsjejks SASHA AND THE PLANTERS, SASHA AND SPRIG, SASHA AND POLLY, SASHA AND HOP POP, I love them so much holy shit holy fuck “He’s so small. She’d known it before, but where small had once meant weak and insignificant, now she recognizes it also means young, too young to experience this kind of pain, to see his sister bleeding and dying before him when only a day ago she was holding him securely in her arms.” THIS LINE >>>> I love it but also ohmygod the angst Sprig, Polly and Hop Pop falling asleep on Sasha 💖💖💖 “Did She suffer” MAL,,,, why must you do this to me Sasha is the new queen,,, whatthefuck /pos Beatrix is an asshole (Affectionate) Grime being the best dad <3 Sasha is absolutely getting her ass kicked lmao Strength,, tbh I feel like its was royalty in a past vessel (Maybe froog? obv not king/queen status but close to it in some way) Yeaaa ivy and Sasha!! I love them <3 Strength with the speech,, it is def iffy Tbh I love this whole part with grime and Sasha,, it’s >>>>> Strength Is also an asshole (affectionate) WOO ANNES KINDA OKAY YEAH Heh Witney My beloved Tbh I wasn’t sure if you were going with 13 or 15/16 in this fic so that clears up stuff (although it could have been mentioned in one of the other 2 fics but my memory ain’t the best lol) Sashha and Marcy saying goodbye to Anne ughhrghh my emotions The fluff of sasha and Marcy going to bed >>>> I love it sm the crown,,,,, yeah, THAT ENDING THO, WHATS GOING ON WITH STRENGTH

overall a very good start to CMTO Also I’m wondering how many words this chapter was? I read it in like 34 mins-ish so I want to know how many words I read

Nothing like the color of blood <3

Oh myyyy what :) was :) Anne :) gonna :) say :) *checks notes* mother of god that doesn’t get answered for a while—

GEM INTERACTIONS WE LOVE TO SEE THEM ohh I HAVE to do more of these I have so much fun with them

SASHA AND THE PLANTARS WERE THE ONES MAKING ME CRY WHEN I WROTE THIS CHAPTER IM BLAMING THEM FOR EVERYTHING

Crowning Sasha Queen was SUCH a terrible decision on everyone’s part oh my god save this poor child— and BEATRIX. Beatrix my beloved 💜💜💜💜 SO excited to write her character going forward my god

Strength….oh Strength. It’s got some rather interesting experience that I can’t tell you about but it does have to do with the Froog :3

YEP ANNE’S FINE!! She’s a little Asleep at the moment unfortunately but she is Not Dead! Hold onto ur socks cause we’re gonna talk about her more in chap 3 👀

And OH, right, this is literally bc of the fact that they’re 13 in canon. I totally understand ppl wanting to headcanon them as older bc Braly wanted them to be older but AT THE SAME TIME it’s really fun calling attention to the fact that they’re so young when they’re being put through so much trauma :))) like I said before, I too was going through life-altering self-destruction arcs within the span of a week when I was 13 <3 I did mention it a few times before I’m pretty sure—the only example i can think of off the top of my head was in IBYBF chap 6 when the Toad Lords tried giving Sasha beer and Grime was like nOpe

Ain’t a mal fic if I don’t make u suffer over the girls watching the others suffer :)

The crown. Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Meeeeeee (no it’s literally so unsettling to me the mere fact that it’s. Sasha’s trophy. And that it belonged to Andrias. *shudders*)

I wonder what’s going on with Strength….. :))

This chapter was a little over 16k words so—WOW ur fast,,,,,

THANK YOUUUU FOR READING AND FOR YOUR ASK 💜💜💜

[theimprobabledreamersworld]

Yayy! Despite trying to fight off a monster of a cold, I’ve got a new chapter written! :D

As I mentioned yesterday, this one is written from Logan’s POV because I’ve been wanting to create a back story for him in this story :) 

I’ll post the chapter under a line on here, but please check it out on Ao3 too! I love reading comments and stuff to find out what people think :)

Hope you like it!

Taglist: @psychedelicships  @edupunkn00b  @jwillowwolf @kacklingisanart @look-ma-im-on-tv @stardustlv @lost-in-thought-20

Chapter 5. My Heart Was Made Of Stone. And You Broke It Twice.

“But the wind has changed. My walls are weakening. They’re gonna fall soon. And I’m gonna need you.”

Logan was a man who always kept his emotions in check. He never let himself get too consumed by any kind of feeling. Happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger… Ever since he was sixteen, he refused to be vulnerable ever again. If you’re vulnerable, you can be broken. He had been broken far too many times when he was growing up.

His parents were agreeable, he couldn’t deny that… but he was never enough for them. Even as a young child, nothing was quite good enough. He remembered when the class teacher told his parents that he was the first child to learn how to write his name… he stretched up to show them and they let the paper flutter to the floor saying it wasn’t neat enough. He was only four! It got worse as he got older. Every time he was proud of something he had achieved, like getting a high grade, he was always asked why it wasn’t full marks. The unattainable goals were never reached and it took a lot to even vaguely satisfy them. He worked himself into the ground for the entirety of his school life, it affected his health, but they still weren’t happy. He was never strong enough, creative enough, serious enough, smart enough… and it hurt so much to know that. His friends however were amazing, they would always encourage him and make him take breaks when they knew he was working way too hard. They could always cheer him up and he was eternally grateful for that. Logan clenched his fists… he hated how much it knocked him down when he would walk in smiling over something that happened at school, to be told they weren’t interested and to just go and study. He always set himself up for the fall almost every day… no wonder emotions became such a hinderance. Luckily, music was his salvation for about eight years.

Logan took his head out of his hands, readjusted his eyes to the light and felt how raw they were from crying before staring at the dusty piano in the house intently. He used to be pretty good at playing. He loved his classical music, and still does. Just not playing it anymore. When he still had lessons, he was always thrilled with the challenge of increasingly difficult pieces given to him by his teacher. It was funny, his music teacher was the only person who ever truly believed in him. He was also the one person who could convince Logan to perform. The last concert he ever played in was the day before his sixteenth birthday, he played his most difficult piece to date… Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu Op 66. They decided on that because it was originally a piece that no one was ever supposed to hear, Chopin never wanted it to be released after he died… but they did it anyway. His teacher said that he could then perform it however he wanted to, artistic interpretation and all that. He practiced and practiced at school so his parents wouldn’t hear it before. When it got to the concert, and his parents actually turned up, he was genuinely surprised. He walked out on the stage and sat down looking for his teacher who gave him a smile and a thumbs up, then the music began. He felt almost like he was watching himself play, he had never played with such determination before and as the final note rung out… there was silence. Before the room broke out into applause, his teacher was standing up clapping vigorously, then some of his classmates and other parents stood up too. His parents however were sat down, clapping politely with a neutral expression on their faces and Logan’s smile faltered. He gave a quick bow and walked quickly off the stage. His teacher followed him and gave him a hug while telling him how proud he was. Logan couldn’t stop the tears, he had never cried in front of another person, but no one had ever been proud of him before either. How embarrassing. The first time he had been shown positive interest by someone he respected, and he cried until the top of their shirt was damp with his tears. His teacher just held him and told him everything was okay. After he had calmed down and the tears had stopped, he went to go and join his parents for the second half of the concert, but their seats were empty.

In that moment, he didn’t get upset again and stayed unusually calm, and he knew that this was the final straw. He stayed at a hotel for the night at the insistence of his teacher, that way he could sort out his head and start looking up different apartment options. Which he did realise could be tricky as a sixteen-year-old… but he was smart, reliable, didn’t drink or smoke and had a substantial amount of money at his disposal. He waited until the morning and snuck back into his parent’s house to collect all of the things that he deemed necessary. Thankfully, the hotel manager was understanding and let him stay for the bare minimum price until he could find an apartment for himself. It took a few months, and the landlord had to be persuaded by his music teacher, but he found an apartment which was close to everything he needed and was affordable. One day, he would repay that teacher back for everything he had done for him.

He looked at the calendar, the picture of him and Virgil smiling and holding up their wedding ring hands was taunting him on the wall. He noticed the date. Wow, it had been ten years since he left without looking back, and he never heard a single word from them.

That was clearly for the best.

Ever since then, he never let emotions get the better of him ever again. However, as he looked around at the decimated living room, he had clearly broken and let all of those emotions consume him once again. Logan inspected the damage, as he traced the hole in the wall, the shattered photo frames and glass covering the floor, it caused his heart to fill up with regret. His heart was already full of pain, the regret was enough to make his heart quite literally tear in two. Virgil was the first person he felt like he could be vulnerable with again. When they first met, there was something about him, something that reminded him of himself. Maybe this guy was just as broken as he was, as he saw him hiding in the corner of the coffee shop trying to stay away from the world. He told Virgil this many times, but he had encased his heart in stone to keep it safe. As their relationship developed, as stupid as it sounds, he could feel the stone wall cracking and breaking off piece by piece, and he honestly didn’t mind in the slightest.

Now, he didn’t know what was going on with his heart. He was hurt, he was angry. It’s not every day you find out that the man you’ve been married to for the last five years spent most of his life as a well-trained and dangerous assassin. Going by Virgil’s words alone, the body count to his name is staggering and who knows how many people he’s hurt over the years. The argument they had earlier in the evening was playing on repeat in his mind.

“I couldn’t tell you!” Virgil shouted across the room.

“Why the hell not?! I’m your fucking HUSBAND Virgil, you are supposed to trust me. No matter what’s happened in your past!” Logan rubbed his forehead in frustration.

“Okay, you want to know why I hid everything from you? I did it to PROTECT you! My past is something that can be used against me, it is still being used against me. If anyone from it came after you… I would never be able to forgive myself!” The tears wouldn’t stop rolling down Virgil’s face as he spluttered out the words while his body shook with sobs.

Despite the hurt of seeing Virgil in so much pain, Logan couldn’t contain his anger. “What makes you decide if I need protecting? I can handle myself, ever since I was sixteen I’ve been on my own… You know that!”

Virgil sighed, like he was debating whether or not to say his next sentence.

“Remember when we met all those years ago? You told me about how you were attacked and how scared you were after it? Well… it was me. I was the guy who saved you. Every day since that moment, I vowed that I would protect you no matter the cost. Then I fell in love with you along the way, and I’ll love you until the end of time. If you want to know the truth about me, I know he gave you something. Look at it, and I won’t blame you if you try to turn me in to the police afterwards. I have to go now though, otherwise you will get hurt… I’m sorry, Lo.” Logan was left dumbfounded, and Virgil ran out of the front door, slipping away into the night.

There had been so many lies and too many secrets. He remembered that USB stick he threw in a drawer months ago. He opened it up and stared at the blue object, the label that read ‘Virgil… ?’ taunted him mercilessly. He looked over at his open laptop that was spared from his destructive anger, should he look at it?

Logan shook that thought away instantly, he needed to clear up first before making any kind of decision. He crouched down on the floor and started to sweep the glass over towards the sofa with his hand, just so he could clean it properly soon. He got to the first photograph, him and Virgil sitting in a restaurant holding hands and smiling at the camera. That picture was taken by Thomas and Nico, their two closest friends… He thought he should text them and see if they could come over. Virgil left half an hour ago, and he already felt too alone.

He’d contact them later, but for now. He wanted to stare at photographs and revel in his memories.

[cloneslugs]

Wolf + Yayoi + Akiyama :)

this is seriously ill im sorry

Wolf

First Impression: well he seems neat <3

Impression Now: he's very soft and kind.. <3 and very cool very nice man i love you wolf

Favorite Moment: the whole rice thing b/t the divine child and him and kuro, this isnt a moment but i enjoy how he speaks to people he makes me (: 

Idea for a Story: I'd like to see him first meeting Kuro ^__^ that would be cute.. or how he grew up w Owl bc it seems so … … … well anyway he has a lot of cool background that would be fun to explore 

Unpopular Opinion: i think people draw him smiling too much in some interactions i dont want him to even remotely have a sense of humor or even emote well tbqh, not that i think hes unhappy or anything but like well … + also people are freaks w him but that's another story.. i dont think he would date grandpas

Favorite Relationship: kuro <3 it's cute how he actually engages in conversation w Kuro i like how he talks w him and how Kuro talks w him it's nice.. i think his relationship w Owl is interesting but not . good. Emma + Isshin + Sculptor & every other friend he meets i enjoy esp Kotaro ^^

Headcanon: *gives him transgenderism + autism + homosexuality*, selectively mute (:, he also just has a general issue w socializing & when he doesnt know what to say he defaults to repeating people or just ignoring people, he likes being called Wolf by like Kuro and whoever but Isshin deciding to call him Sekiro makes him feel a little something (:, he can "cook" + knows lots of misc skills like sewing and stuff, doesnt like loud noises, doesn't like being in water -_-, i think he has trouble differentiating b/t what he likes v what he dislikes bc hes used to just putting up w things and never really got to acquire preferences ever hes accustomed solely to survival, he's done kuro's hair for him before <3 but he does it very quick and messy but he tries 

Yayoi

First Impression: ig this is her k1 substory idk i just kind of like . wow this lady seems cool ig goodbye 

Impression Now: … hi <3 she holds a very very special place in my heart now i miss her everyday please babygirl come back to me i need you back ive written out how you can come back please 

Favorite Moment: her k1 substory always makes me sad um.. everything in k2 when shes taking charge.. i love watching her interact w kiryu they have a really interesting relationship.. i like when she got on ryuji for his bullshit and i really really like her introduction in k2 i love watching her handle shitty lieutenants <3 i love you.. oh also whenever she looks sad + worries over daigo thank you for being a mom ma'am <3

Idea for a Story: um i have a lot of stuff already written for her bc im a sicko .. um ig most interesting to me is how her relationship w dojima developed & also what she was up to when dojima died and daigo went to prison right after bc i think about that period (+k1 substory) a lot.. </3 seeing what she was doing in 3 when daigo was shot would be nice iwant her to be homophobic to mine i think <3 ik a rggo event covered it but id like to see more of her when she stepped up to he acting chairman & how that went ig more in depth.. or just her general role w the dojima family back when it was relevant and uh yeah <3 

Unpopular Opinion: um i personally would never call her a milf that feels so :x idek to me gross almost not even bc im a homo or anything i just never would it feels too disrespectful aieeeeeee 🙈 also i wish people didn't care for her just as daigos mom or her being more compotent than daigo or whatever idk people are weird about them in a stupid way and i </3 ik shes just a side character but whatever.. also i hate everyone who writes her like "yes i married dojima for power and i crave violence" fuck you im the only right person ever 

Favorite Relationship: um daigo.. i have lots of thoughts they are so nice together ilove them very much <3 kiryu and kashiwagi are very cute w her too they respect her very much its sweet <3 i think nishiki and kiryu helping out w daigo as dojima members when daigo is little has very sweet potential b/t lady dojima and them not saying they outright would be seeking for a maternal figure but um.. also well kashiwagi uhh well i want her to move past her [k2] baggage and um.. um.. 🙈 boyfriend 

Headcanon: she's so bisexual shes very very bisexual and she knows it and no part of it even concerns her shes just bi + also her first major crush was on a girl that went nowhere and it embarrasses her to death <3, her dad is who introduced her to wielding a sword it was a very unorthodox introduction and came about by kind of bittersweet means but she very much enjoys it (he didnt teach her anything more than the very very shoddy basics he really just helped introduce), she comes from a very non-traditional [japanese] family, really bad vanity issues i wont publicly elaborate on, um something about dealing w loneliness, she was like daigo and was top of her class in school, she comes off as prett7 different outside of professional settings + acts a lot colder and meaner than she actually is around work people bc that's the only way she thinks she'll be taken seriously, she was a very excited first time mommy <3 she still loves daigo more than anything, she used to sporadically grow her hair out and chop it all off and grow her hair out and chop it all off growing up mostly as a teen -_-, she doesnt socialize well but shes good at parroting and imitating proper social etiquette,  she has an "older sister", she loved kiryu and then she hated him more than anything and now she likes him again, perfectionist but a lot of things come naturally to her, not very expressive but her eyes give away a lot, she used to really like kazama very fondly until she didnt, shes not much of a hand-to-hand combat fighter but she can handle self defense, cooking does not come naturally to her ):, shes kept every gift + prize daigo has gotten for her, shes not much for gifts (from people not daigo) but she likes flowers 

Akiyama

First Impression: he's funny (: 

Impression Now: he's still just funny <3 but also bisexual i love him he's very endearing and easy to like 

Favorite Moment: hanging out w haruka in rgg5 or any time he is having fun w hana <3 his one substory in rgg5 where you get more of his background is nice or when he first gets together with shinada + tanimura is funny.. anything that's not rgg6 um

Idea for a Story: i want him to hang out w haruka more <3 or just some of his day to day life.. what he splurges on when he does ummm.. background on when he and hana first met + his ex fiance, hin hanging out w the rest of the group .. anything fun i think ^_^

Unpopular Opinion: he has annoying/questionable moments but so does everyone in the series um.. akiyama/hana is superior when he crushes on her hard vs her to him idk if that's even unpopular ummm idk idek any freak stuff w him nobody talks about akiyama much 

Favorite Relationship: hana (: trans bisexuality <3 him + kiryu & haruka are sweet together, him and tanimura are fun.. i think hes a nice central point for both 4+5 protags i just enjoy him <3 hes good w people 

Headcanon: hes the least athletic i think that's canon though, tried to keep a fish tank in the office but hana ended up taking over + then getting rid of it but by then he wanted an office cat or bird or something "more interesting" so that hed feel like taking care if it but by that point she put her foot down on animals, tries out lots of misc hobbies that he eventually drops (golf, tennis(very embarrassing), gardening, etc (mostly sports bc he feels like a lazy piece of shit sometimes + gets splurges of Yeah Fitness!!!)), all kinds of math teams and etc growing up he actually really likes math, has a lot of gifts he chickened out on giving hana just kind of buried in the office, bad at video games, can't cook, he buys lots of cheap things bc he doesnt really see the point of splurging on fancy unnecessary stuff, magazine hoarder bc he just picks up whatever for a mindless read when at the store and forgets if he's gotten it before 

[justdyingslowly]

1. Name justdyingslowly obviously come on

2. Nationality Australian

3. Age 22

4. Birthday nnnah dont feel like it

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) Libra/Scorpio cusp

6. Gender wamon

7. Sexuality very very hetero

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) androgenous

9. What do you/did you study? Psychology (focus on sexology) and art.

10. What’s your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I am disabled you think I can work ha sexologist would be awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to be a fireman but Australias always burning

-

11. Your birth order head first

12. How many siblings do you have? 1

13. Do you have good relations with your family? yeah dads finally out of his abusive relationship, nearing age 70 and his emotions and his sexuality are finally opening up for the first time and that makes me SO happy.

14. How many friends do you have? what kind of fucked up question is this.

15. Your relationship status relationshipped. Fiance? got the marriage papers in a drawer somewhere with the car rego but can’t be fucked filling them?

16. What do you look for in a SO? empathetic, mature, calm. Always open to discussion. Prefers to be blunt rather than secretive. Emotional age over 14 (incredibly fucking rare apparently). Puts an importance on context and understanding other views above all else.

17. Do you have a crush? Hellll yeah Crush on my partner and got a crush on a mutual friend of ours who don’t even know hes cute af hehe one day partners gonna accidentally spill the beans and embarrass me coz hes shit with secrets RIP me.

18. When did you have your first kiss? You think I can remember this bullshit? Its not that big a deal

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? One night stand sex almost exclusively sucks. Just. SUCKS. Because neither of you know what the other likes and it ends up being an awkward mix of trying to please yourself while trying to also be considerate.

20. What are your deal breakers? Plugging your ears to anything that feels gross, uncomfortable or disagrees with you. How can you grow as a person without introspection? How can you mold what you think and believe without taking in other arguments and comparing them to your beliefs to see how they stack up? Its pathetic.

-

21. How was your day? cute mutual friend had a fall this morning and were both worried about him. His back is bad and he’s getting a little older, he can’t be getting dizzy and having falls like that. other than that im anxious about seeing my gastro. He’s lovely but... specialists are specialists. Good at knowing what they know but not always great at listening.

22. Favourite food & drink you think im allowed to eat or drink? water and... foods a touchy subject.

23. What position do you sleep in? Usually on my side with a body pillow to grip so I don’t end up choking my partner in his sleep.

24. What was your last dream about? uuhhh...going to italy and being unable to get into this tiny basket boat properly.

25. Your fears does PTSD to medical shit count haha

26. Your dreams ... going to italy and being unable to get into a tiny basket boat thingy?

27. Your goals - get some sort of diagnosis eventually. Its been 3 years of trying and im tired. - get back to studying art part time for my bachelors. - pass JLPT N3. - go back to university for psychology. - do the dishes when I get home.

28. Any pets? two budgies. we also take care of any orphaned or injured birds.

29. What are your hobbies? feeling nauseous drawing writing a little bit im making a little gameboy game in C atm too

30. Any cool places in your area? i live next to a national park with waterfalls and koalas and emus and stuff

31. What was your last awkward situation? mutual friend made a comment on his chest i playfully smacked it (related to the comment) it was surprisingly hard “O-oh wow, thats... I didnt expect that” my partner laughed at me. it was awful.

32. What is your last regret? getting embarrassed at friends pecs stop making me think about it 33. Language/s you can speak english. N4 Japanese.

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) of course not what the fuck

35. Have any quirks? Quirkless. I do wiggle when im happy though apparently.

36. Your pet peeves open doors.

37. Ideal vacation spend a months chilling in an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

38. Any scars? internal? yes

39. What does your last text message say? peepee poopoo ustinky

40. Last 5 things from your search history how do i find this

41. What’s your [device] background? Sam Porter Bridges walkin around Sam Porter Bridges cuddling BB-28 Louise while he sleeps my chicken

42. What do you daydream about? all might

43. Describe your dream home an old japanese house in autumn hokkaido oooooof that sounds nice

44. What’s your religion/Your thought about religion its a comforting thought having a parent-figure who cares about you and looks after all the big things you can’t manage yourself, but institutionalizing it runs a severe risk of becoming harmful cults. And it often does.

45. Your personality type me

46. The most dangerous thing you’ve done i saw the lost bunny that was on all the posters in the neighbourhood looked thin and patchy so i grabbed him to take him home. im allergic. sent me to hospital and I almost died.

47. Are you happy with your current life? feeling sick sucks and partners having a depressive episode but things are pretty good

48. Some things you’ve tried in your life living

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? blacks, reds, whites and pinks

50. Favourite colour to wear? at the moment pink. Red is always comforting though.

51. How would you describe your style? mix between lazy alternative punk, teenager with band shirts and harajuku peach kawaii uwu

52. Are you happy with your current looks? kinda wish i was a bit shorter but what can you do

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? bit shorter

54. Any tattoos or piercings? lol no PTSD

55. Do you get complimented often? by who? partner constantly, family haha are you kidding im australian so a friend’s version of showing affection is calling you a cunt and slapping your ass in public

56. Favourite aesthetic? all might

57. A popular trend that you dislike blocking because you disagree or find them distasteful. Ignoring all context to opposing thoughts and arguments. taking a personal feeling of disgust to mean something is evil. Blocking your ears to anything that isn’t a circlejerk of what you already think - and trying to isolate anyone who even just listens to something other then the noise of your sloppy dicks to have a thought of their own.

-

58. Songs you’re currently obsessed with? The Machine by Low Roar

59. Song you normally wouldn’t admit you like. why wouldnt i admit i like a song

60. Favourite genre? probably enka haha

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? probably enka haha oh and tatsuro yamashita

62. Hated popular songs/artists? why the hell would I hate something like a song? I hate aspects of the music industry as a whole I guess?

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 which playlist they aren’t all together in one place

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? piano, saxophone... uh... partners good at making music and playing shakuhachi

65. Do you like karaoke? no.

66. Own any albums? yes? many?

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? no. but triple J, ABC Jazz and Classical. sometimes they even play final fantasy and JRPG music on classical which is pretty neat. -

68. Favourite movie/series? can i make this about games because then the answer is Metal Gear Solid

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc ...shounen?

70. Your fictional crush/es if they’re over 40yrs old, male and happy and bubbily or grumpy and sad then there’s a big ol fat chance I wanna bone. Solid Snake from MGS4, All Might and pretty much anyone drawn by Tarou Madoromi.

71. Which fictional character is you? uh

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so what does this even mean what language is this

73. Favourite greek god? idk hades seems chill

74. A legend from where you live that you like the story of Tjilbruke is funny and good. all Kaurna stories are good.

75. Do you like art? What’s your favourite work or artist? im in a big egon schiele mood atm.

76. Can you share your other social media? no i am incapable

77. Favourite youtubers? many

78. Favourite platform? not too high up. actually i like being a little lower than ground level in corners.

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much

80. What video games have you played? Which one’s your favourite? look i just want to say that MGS4 is the best one in the series and Death Stranding is phenomenally engaging.

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) these are all so goddamn definitive how can I pick? Oh wait the answer is One Piece

82. Do you play board/card games? I play DnD atm and know 15 yr old rules to Yugioh

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? that shit dosn’t happen here

84. Favourite holiday golden week coz its a week also easter because thats when all the glucose based sweets come back

85. Are you into dramas? what kind

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? no. thats called being a murderer.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? chill people out a bit. when people feel unsafe they get really depenfive and territorial and block their ears to everything, making in-and-out groups for themsevles that end up putting them in more harm.

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? im disabled with a disabled partner. we arent funny sure we can survive normal everyday life when society is angled so sharply against us.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? id like to be a mimi spirit

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? spooky time

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? toshinori yagi

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? anyone healthy

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo that cursed one with the intense eyes and the hand

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true im me im not me im pee

-

95. Cold or hot? cold.

96. Be a hero or be a villain? both are distasteful ideas in reality

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? i can’t do either partner speak sin bad puns and its hell, these both sound about equal

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting. controlling time is eithe rmanipulative or lonely. shapeshifing is every other superpower at once.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death? both are deeply upsetting ideas

100. ….. or …..? jiji or ossan? generally Jiji, but ossans can be lovely too.

[negasonicimagines]

Hello / Wonderwall

good fucking night I haven’t posted in like a bajillion years I’m so sorry jdklfldkfjs “anyways here’s wonderwall” (lol anyone remember that meme) anyways this is inspired by two things 

1) this request:  i just listened to adele and my heart is shattered and my angsty soul loves it so could i ask you to write ellie x reader where they're not dating but reader has a crush on ellie and she finds out but neither of them want to be in a relationship because 'feeling things sucks and i dont wanna' something like that because they're both really closed off tough people. and they love eachother and dont want to and its complicated and ugh ANGSTY. im really sorry i hope you're having a great day!!😀💞💞 [btw sorry if i didn’t fill this properly i did my best but my writers’ block is literally THE WORST and has been for a really long time(duh)]

2) This really cool mashup of Adele’s “Hello” and everyone’s favorite Oasis song, “Wonderwall.” It fucking slaps and TOTALLY suits this imagine. If there’s any way you could listen to it and read this at the same time, I recommend it. It’s what I listening to when I was writing it (that and Adele’s “Chasing Pavements.”)

Anyways, enjoy! Who knows when the next one’ll be out, amiright?

Ellie didn’t like love. Even platonic or familial love was shrugged off. It just… Wasn’t her thing. It was too dangerous for mutants, the world. Forget emotions.

You’re new here, at the school. Wade’s forced you to quit your previous line of work, saying that “you’re too damn young to be killin’ people for a living!” You’d rolled your eyes, but agreed that a break would be nice. So, now, you’re being shown around by a charmingly bitchy girl that’s around your age, maybe a smidge older.

“This is the art room, and, um, that about covers it. So, uh, just go away now.”

“Are you not going to show me where my room is?” You ask, letting your eyebrows arch skeptically.

“And how would I know where your room is?” She inquires in response. Where she was the rude kind of standoffish, you were the polite, distant type.

“It’s the same as yours, Negasonic,” you carefully inform her, gauging her reaction.

“It’s- It’s what?”

“Did no one tell you?” you wonder. “That’s weird.”

“Very. Whatever, come on. At least you’re not extra annoying,” she sighs, and you follow her down to the dorms, your suitcase rolling behind you.

“Thanks,” you chuckle a little, and she twitches, her eyes flickering to yours for a moment. The ghost of a smile phases across her lips, disappearing just as subtly as it appeared.

“Alright, now…” She looks at her phone. “Yeah, now, it’s time for training. Depending on your mentor, you’ll have different times. Who’s your mentor?”

“Oh, uh, Emma Frost?” You tell her looking at your schedule.

“You’ll be with me, then. Training with me. Piotr and Ms. Frost’s students train together, I guess because they both have weird skin. Emma’s is temporary, but still. Let’s move.”

“Okay,” you respond, walking with her to the gym.

“If you need any sort of protective gear, it’ll be in the closet by the entrance.”

“I think I’ll be alright,” you say, taking what she said more as a challenge than a helpful tip. She scoffs, rolling her eyes.

But when you catch a glimpse of the light smirk she’s wearing, electricity sparks through you. (Not literally, don’t worry. Your mutation is different and not embarrassing in that way.)

Two weeks later, you and Ellie are fast friends...And maybe more.

“Gaga okay?” she asks.

“Duh!” you respond, scrolling through your twitter feed. “So, whose stans are we trolling tonight?”

“What’s your mutation, anyway? You never did say.”

“Ah, it’s lame,” you brush her off.

“Wade doesn’t think it’s lame… But that’s not really saying much, is it? Damn, sorry,” Ellie chuckles. She smiles more around you than anyone else, but you’re not sure why. Not yet.

“I just… People tend to think less of me when they hear. It’s a bit destructive.”

“You did not just say that to me,” Ellie delivers a surprisingly good rebuttal.

“Well, uh… Basically, by coming into direct contact with it through touch, I can temporarily gain access to their abilities and sometimes even their knowledge. If I consume it, it lasts longer or can even be permanent. Kinda perfect for a kill-for-hire. Not so much for a normal high school girl, though,” you admit shyly. Ellie’s dead silent.

You look to your crush, nervously, and she looks awe-struck.

“That’s so fucking cool. I wish I could become stronger by giving someone a bloody nose. I’d do it all the time. No wonder you killed people for a living.”

“If only everyone saw it that way,” you tell her with a relieved smile. “I can’t believe the stoic Ellie Phimister just called me cool.” Don’t blush, Y/N, don’t blush, you beg yourself.

“Don’t let it get to your head. I once called Wilson cool.”

“He’s not so bad. He’s the reason I’m here.”

“He is?” Remind me to thank him, she thinks. “Hey, listen. I know we didn’t get off to the best start, and uh… I just wanted to say that… I think you’re really awesome.”

“Well, thank-”

“No, that’s not what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is that, uh… I’m not really much of a romantic or anything, but I really like you. And I normally wouldn’t ever tell a girl that I liked I like her, because then she would stop talking to me and also hate me forever, I think. But you seem…  Different.”

Oh shit. You’re glad your crush likes you back, but...I know what I have to do. I just fucking hate it. “Listen, I’m sorry for giving you the wrong impression, but I don’t like you that way. At all. You’re just my roommate that I really like as a friend. We probably wouldn’t even be friends if we weren’t roommates.”

“But we are roommates.”

“Then I should probably change rooms.”

“Wow. I never thought I’d be the asshole who turns into a, well, a fucking asshole when I get rejected, but I guess I am that kind of asshole. Maybe it’s because I know you’re full of shit. Fuck you, Y/N.”

You sigh, and she turns the music off as you leave the room, making your way to the offices. It’s the early evening, so it’s likely either Jean Grey or Professor Xavier is still in their office.

An hour later, you return. Your efforts were fruitless.

*Guess it’s likely time to make with the apologies, see if she’ll at least treat me with civility after the stunt I pulled.*

“I tried to get a room change. It looks like there isn’t anywhere else for me to go.”

“Then just get out of the school, you murderous scum,” Ellie fires.

*Guess not.*

“Oh shit,” you say, trying not to let the hurt show. She knew how insecure you were, how you just knew that’s what everyone here really thought about you. You’d told her that. Foolishly opened up to her, knowing it’d end like this, or worse.

But in the end, you knew you deserved it for pushing her away. Shattering her blackened heart.

“You’re right. I’ll start packing my things now.”

*Wait,* Ellie thought, but her pride had its hand over her mouth. Don’t go. Don’t be like everyone else.

But, faster than she thought possible, you’re out the door. Guess you hadn’t taken root in this place as deeply as she’d fooled herself.

There’s a knock on the door about ten minutes later.

“Go away!” Ellie yells, throwing a random textbook at the door.

“Why did Y/N leave?” Wade asks through said door.

“Because she’s a stupid fucking liar! Go away!”

“Oh yeah? Well, that stupid fucking liar is gonna get us both in trouble if she we don’t retrieve her, so get the hell up, Negasonic Punkass Mean Teen Queen!”

Ellie begrudgingly gets off her ass and opens the door, hoping that Wade doesn’t notice the eyeliner that’s lightly stained her cheeks, or, at least, that he doesn’t point it out. He seems to have enough courtesy to do at least the latter.

“Tracked her phone to here,” He says, looking at his own phone and walking towards a door. Ellie follows, but stands off to the side when he opens the door.

“Go away.”

“That’s funny, that’s exactly what your little girlfriend said when I knocked on her door.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” you disagree.

“Then why are you running away? You only run away when you like someone, you’re always willing to stick around for a fight. It used to be a good quality, when you were doing a job no kid should be doing. I really should’ve pulled you outta that life sooner, but I knew you wouldn’t’ve listened to me,” Wade admits, unintentionally explaining a *lot* about you.

“She’s not like you, Wade. She can die. I’m not risking that for some cheesy teen romance that’ll probably last around two dates and then fizzle off into us being acquaintances,” you argue, peeking out the window to notice you ex-friend, ex-something, at least, outside. Shit. But you know the truth:

“If you really felt that way, kid, you wouldn’t bother running away.” He continues in a grave, lowered tone: “You wouldn’t have bothered hurting her. If you were anyone else, I’d’ve kicked your stupid ass. You’re lucky.”

“I wouldn’t consider myself lucky.”

“Ellie fucking Phimister told you that she liked you. Like, as a person. You’re luckier than anyone else I’ve ever met.”

You roll your eyes. “Just go away. And take Ellie fucking Phimister with you.”

“Can’t say I didn’t try, kid.”

“I wouldn’t bother telling anyone about this. Go,” you say, slamming the door in his face and sliding down it to the ground, hiding your face in your hands. Your life was so unbelievably fucked.

You let yourself cry, thinking no one’s there to listen. And then there’s a knock on the window. You look to find Ellie there.

“Let me in, asshole,” she says, her voice muffled by the glass. You open the door, too tired to say no. You were so tired, you realized. Tired of running. Tired of fighting. Tired of being so fucking alone.

“You fucking idiot,” she says, pulling you in for a hug, her head buried in your chest. “You fucking idiot.” She pulls away, telling you: “You keep forgetting that I’m just as tough as you are. What am I gonna have to, arm wrestle you?”

You laugh harder than you should, the laughter dissolving into tears.

“I’m so sorry,” you tell her.”I just- I’m not used to people being safe around me. I’m so used to being the most dangerous person in the room, I- I’m sorry for forgetting that you’re- You’re a fucking force of nature, E. I’ll do anything for you to forgive me for being such a fucking scumbag.”

“Just shut up with the apologies, okay? You- Make it up to me by paying for our first date, yeah?”

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea-”

“Well, I do. And, listen: I’m sorry, too. I should’ve realized that just throwing my feelings on you wasn’t the best course of action. I’m not the only person in the world with people issues, and I seem to forget that sometimes. So, let’s have people issues together, okay?”

“I-”

She fixes you with an impatient stare.

“Okay,” you sigh, smiling. “I paid for a night here, do you just want to stay?”

“Yeah. I’d like that, actually. I…”She hesitates, searching your expression for something. “I call big spoon.”

[adhdusagi]

Princess Tutu episodes 14-end

I watched the entire second half of the series in one day because I make good life choices

Previously on Princess Tutu Watch:

Okay I can get back to Tokyo Mew Mew now

+++++++++++++++++++

It was a lie, I could NOT

EPISODE, UH, FUCK……… 14! - The Raven

asdklsdhflhdl (google docs stop capitalizing my keysmashes) they’re bringing back “once upon a time there was a man who died”!!!!!! Honestly that might be one of my favorite lines in this whole show

Gotta love the sarcasm in “and they lived happily ever after”

The theme song…… it’s so good

Oh nooooooooooooooo

This scene is literally just the “I’ve got a headache that comes and goes” meme

Fakir you complete dork. You’re all dorks

“Princess Tutu and a crocodile are totally different” you tell ‘im, Mytho

Duck speaks so much more regularly than the other main characters? I mean, there’s Fakir over there like “Shall we go?” and Duck saying things like “I’m gonna be late!” and using “like” and “stuff”... I mean, I know this is the dub, but

Duck why are you using Fakir’s dumb excuses omg

Lilie is just the personification of my negative thoughts

BUT WHAT DID MYTHO TELL FAKIR

Awwwwwwww Duck, no

They’re in a terrifying Raven Dimension with like, ominous music and people wailing in the background and meanwhile Kraehe and the Raven are just having like, a normal conversation

Also, are the white feathers supposed to be like, what’s trapping the Raven there?

Duck please

Wait, Princess Tutu transformed on her own!

Episode 15 - Coppelia

Also, watching Fakir try and fail to stop Mytho from jumping out the window is Pain

Lilie you are a Strange Child

STEALTH DUCK RETURNS!

Oh no?? Fakir doesn’t want to get Mytho in trouble???

alsdfksfh the entire student population is Here For The Drama

Duck don’t yell in the library

Fakir just doesn’t make good decisions

Oooh that doesn’t look good

Sad Kraehe Theme Alert

You “just happened” to do a lot of things, Lilie

Omg Lilie “Want to just happen to go see?”

Rue just shows up to trash talk Fakir for a minute and then leaves

I say as if I’m not in So Much Pain

Yeah! Every single time Princess Tutu transformed in the first season, it was because Drosselmeyer said something, but now she’s transforming on her own!

Oh no Mytho

Also I like how Tutu doesn’t just flat-out say “you don’t actually love him” and instead is just like “how about you try doing things you enjoy with the guy you like instead of giving him Your Actual Heart”

Episode 16 - The Maiden’s Prayer

Wait is Angry Narrator back or did the other narrator just regain the heart shard of Withering Scorn?

Lilie isn’t even interested in the love triangle, she just wants Duck and Pike to fight

Is that Goatette

“So pretty…. What? Oh yeah I meant the flowers of course haha” Duck

Such a serious child

“Love only me, hate everyone else”/“The prince who loves me and me alone”

This child is amazing

It was such a good decision to give Fakir a little sister. A good decision for everyone involved

aslfsdjhklgdlghdjghfdklkdkalh Kraehe told him that Duck would suffer if she knew what was happening with Mytho so Fakir isn’t going to tell herrrrrrrrrr Fakir please don’t internalize that!! You are breaking my heart sir

Oh my god it wasn’t Goatette it was the sloth

*The Can Can plays loudly over a sloth just kinda hangin out*

Episode 17 - Crime and Punishment

This may or may not have been the last episode I watched the first time I watched this show?

“Eyes of truth” huh?

This dumbass child

Femio, from the other side of the school grounds: “DID SOMEBODY SAY ‘PRINCE’????”

What the Fuck are you doing with your hands, kid

Why are you a cow

Honestly as over-the-top as Femio is he is also simultaneously the most realistic middle-schooler in this entire show

Oh my god he’s on probation

I’m sorry I’m just talking about Femio but he’s hilarious

Truly a Grade A Idiot

What is he even doing with his life

I’ve become Lilie

These characters have emotional crises over people saying the stupidest things and tbh I relate to that

Oh dear!

The thing is, Femio would be really annoying in real life, but in a tv show he’s just amusing

Rue’s FACE, she’s so done

I like how Duck can tell which building Rue’s in just by the amount of crows around it

Tbh all the students probably have noticed what’s going on, they just think it’s some kind of weird performance art thing. Wouldn’t be out of character for this school

Fakir and Uzura really are siblings, I love this

The best part about this episode is it’s this completely ridiculous person unintentionally getting in the middle of everybody’s emotional issues

“I feel kinda like something happened, and kinda like it didn’t” Duck you are absolutely correct

And of course the Aquarium is good once again

Episode 18 - The Wandering Knight

Incidentally, how old are these kiddos? We know Mytho is older than Duck, so Fakir and Rue probably are too?? But like, probably only by a year? Who even knows what their actual ages are

I mean, Duck is a duck so

It’s! The trees from the opening!

I don’t know if I’ve asked this before, but why does Fakir have a horse?

Oh my god Lilie

Can everybody STOP picking on Fakir for being afraid to die? He is 14, leave him alone

Ahiru is trying so hard to be helpful, give her a chance Fakir

Once again Rue shows up to get in a burn on Fakir and then leave

I swear every time the Aquarium plays in this show

Oh noooooooo Ruuuuueeeeeeee

Literally Protect All Of These Characters

Save These Children From Their Own Emotional Issues

FAKIR PLEASE

Pride is absolutely the worst feeling Mytho could get back right now?

“There’s something sinister going on that I’m not a part of!” And that really gets to you doesn’t it Dross. I bet it’s really… grinding your gears!!!

(why do I feel so proud of insulting a fictional character)

Episode 19 - A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Wow we really are starting this one off on a sinister note (it’s Drosselmeyer’s revenge on me for that pun)

Of course he can’t tell you, he doesn’t fuckin know what’s going on

Fakir please stop basing your entire identity around being a knight

Oh no, Mytho’s regained the heart shard of Basing Your Entire Identity Around Upholding A Role

I wonder if Hermia being tall is like, a meta Shakespeare joke, cause in the play Helena’s really tall and Hermia’s really short, but in every production I’ve seen it was the other way around

Rue stop projecting your insecurities onto your boyfriend

Ohhhhhhhh dear

Finally someone tells all the crows hanging around to shut up

Oh my god she really is super tall

Or Ahiru’s just super short

I am learning so much about ballet mimes

Cool bird shadows

Whoa, different raven background. And the Raven isn’t speaking with him this time? What does it mean

On no, Tutu

Hahaha oh no

Aaahaha they’re the same

THEY EVEN DO THE SAME ARM-FLAILY THING

Episode 20 - The Forgotten Story

ALRIGHT, TIME FOR THE FAKIR’S SAD BACKSTORY EPISODE

Raetzel: *walks in*

Uzura: And where do you fit in the shipping chart, ma’am

THIS is a High Quality Directatorial Decision

Oh no Duck. oh no she’s so earnest nooooo

It is just Extremely Wrong to see Mytho dancing to something besides Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

Mr. Cat can hear the word “wedding” from three floors up

Oh my GOD they put broken heart stickers on the window

I mean, I say they but we all know it was Lilie

Again, Duck knows exactly where shit’s going down just because that’s where all the crows are

Oh no!

Everybody needs to stop giving Fakir shit Right Now. Everybody needs to stop thinking it’s a bad thing that Fakir didn’t fucking Die, and that includes Fakir OKAY????

I’ve been thinking… Raven Mytho keeps saying things like “people only want love because they want to be loved” and I wonder… if that was sort of his experience as a prince. Or maybe I’m just getting this mixed up with Utena lol. But it does seem like a genuine issue he has as opposed to just something he says to manipulate people. Hm.

Episode 21 - The Spinners

Every time the narrator says “once upon a time there was a man who died” I Will Flip

Duck tries to lean nonchalantly against a door, it goes about how you’d expect

Duck that’s not how writing works (ughgfjdghskjkgf my pain)

AW NO

Oh no Duck is too relatable

UUAAAAAA TREE GHOST TREE GHOST

“Follow my every order and be prepared to die if you should fail” it’s almost like you WANT me to hate you. FAKIR DOESN’T NEED THIS

See Duck agrees with me

PETITION FOR PEOPLE TO LEAVE FAKIR THE FUCK ALONE THAT MEANS YOU TREE GHOST

Ohshit it’s that old guy from the bookshop???

Uzura is NOT “unrelated”, obviously she is Fakir’s baby sister

“I’m just watching again” oh no Duck

Autor what the Fresh Heck are you doing to Fakir

YOU ARE NOT FINE?????????

Honestly Fakir needs to get in touch with his emotions, not get sleep deprived and hallucinate in a field

This tree is saying things Edel said??? Was Edel made from the wood of this tree?????? Oh my god???????????

Anyway that was Intense

Listen, Raven Mytho has real issues and you can fight me on this

Ah, I see Dross is practicing the time-honored authorial tradition of “If the Story Isn’t Working, Hit It With a Wrench”

Episode 22 - Crown of Stone

But who’s going to protect Fakir huh? Answer me that, Duck

One big-ish happy familyyyyyyyyy

I needed this life advice tbh

Aaaaaah Uzura’s talking to Rue!

“Are you the Rue we’re worried about?” I love how she just included herself in that

Autor, I’m……. not sure you want the tree ghost cult to acknowledge you

Uhm, I’m pretty sure Autor doesn’t fit into the shipping chart and I think Uzura would agree with me

Ah fuck!!! Fakir turn around

Wait it’s an owl on a grandfather clock?? Is that actually a thing? These watchnotes are coming full circle

“I want people to love me, but is it okay to just be loved?” yep, the prince is having issues

Autor, I’m pretty sure Ahiru is figuring all that out right now

And like, the Book Men totally know it too, so

HOLY CRAP THIS SEQUENCE

AND THE MUSIC THE MUSIC IS PERFECT

SKLAFDJKVHFJK;JKLSdf;DSLKJFAKSDAKFJHFKLJJFGKLHGJFHSDLJ

I love this show

EPISODE 23 - Marionette

OH! OH! IT’S THE MUSIC EDEL ALWAYS PLAYED BUT SPED UP! That’s actually kinda creepy!

Anyway now I know why I’m so protective of Fakir, we’re both writers who can’t write anything

Oh noooooooooooo Rue

Oooooooooooh don’t like that

Ruuueeeeeeeeee please don’t stab your boyfriend we’ve been over this

Incidentally, hulu needs to quit it with these bogus commercial placements

Drosselmeyer: How dare you try to resolve your emotional problems!

Dross that’s called character development

Hahahaha joke’s on you Dross!

aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I! LOVE! THEM!

No of course your heart is lovey-dovey Uzura! Your heart is the lovey-dovey-est!!!

Incidentally, Autor is That Guy who says just because you haven’t finished/published anything you’re not a Real Writer. And he is Wrong

Episode 24 - The Prince and the Raven

Okay, just from this title I know I won’t be able to handle this

THIS ISN’T EVEN THE PENULTIMATE EPISODE

YOU ARE HITTING ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE I CANNOT BELIEVE

Okay but and then this story explains all of Raven Mytho’s emotional issues as well???

*sigh* Autor……. Fakir literally just told you his motivation is to protect people and you’re still going on about controlling the fates of all mankind… are you sure you’re not Drosselmeyer’s direct descendent?

Rue don’t go into the crow building

Honestly I’m still dying over the fact that you can tell where things are happening purely based on which building all the crows are at today

Tiny Rue is breaking my heart

UUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA TINY RUE IS DOING BALLET

Omg Rue in the beginner’s class!

Oh noooo Uzura’s saaaaad

I KNOW I’ve heard this songgggggggg

THAT WAS A BIT OF THE FOSSILS FROM CARNIVAL OF THE ANIMALS???

Okayokayokay so it’s not Carnival of the Animals but DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS it’s another piece by Saint-Saens and DO YOU KNOW what that piece is called????? fuckin Danse Macabre!!!!! I am immediately filled with a sense of foreboding!!!

The music choices in this show are going to destroy me one day

HOLY CRAP????

I can’t believe so goddamn much happened in this episode???

Episode 25 - The Dying Swan

I’m not rrrrrrrrreadyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Not even the narrator’s obvious disappointment in Drosselmeyer can give me solace

Oh my god so is the Drosselmeyer we know just a character in Dead Drosselmeyer’s story?

I think it’s a testament to this story’s power that I’m having so many emotions about it even though I know what’s going to happen? Like, some stories, reading the summary is pretty much the same as hearing the story, but Princess Tutu is not one of those stories

Like I just overcame my social anxiety to ask my roommate to be quieter, that’s how good this story is

Aaaaaagh Rue’s change from saying “you love me” to saying “I love you” my HEART

Oh shoot! Mytho’s angry! I thought one of the gate heart shards might be anger

Oh my god Autor literally no one cares what TEA Drosselmeyer drank look at Fakir he’s so done

Aaaaaaaa ohno

EVISCERATE HIM FAKIR

Holyshitholyshitholyshit

Okay but see the lake is outside the city so Dross just took some random normal duck and plunked her down in his fairytale town and that���s why like, a cat teacher seems weird to her because she’s not from inside the story

OH NO THEY’RE PLAYING THE SWAN BUT THIS TIME IT’S RUE

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck OFFFFFF

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s the sword birds

excUSE you Dross, the knight has NOT “long been useless”

Episode 26 - Finale

I can’t believe after 9 years I’m finally going to finish watching this show

Okay it’s happening

It begins and ends with “once upon a time, there was a man who died”, the absolute most perfect first line in the history of first lines and you can fight me on this

Okay I’m already almost crying just from the theme song, like the Tchaikovsky fits perfectly into it? I’m gonna sing it

I’m just screaming???? They’re all in distress

BUT DUCK IS NOT GOING TO GIVE IN TO DISTRESS

RUE IS THE SWAN

DUCK DECIDES TO WRITE HER OWN STORY AND THE MUSIC FROM THE END OF THE THEME SONG STARTS PLAYING MY HEART

I’M ACTUALLY CRYING

IT’S ALL THE PEOPLE SHE HELPED

THEY ARE PLAYING THE THEME THAT PLAYS WHEN DUCK IS HAPPY

FUCKING -- AND YOU HIT ME WITH ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIED NOW

LOOK! LOOK THE SCENERY OUTSIDE THE TOWN FADES IN

I watched it.

[conorpmaynard]

All Started With a Song Part 8 // Conor Maynard

Word Count- 2304

Summary- conor sees your cover and contacts you

A/n-(feel free to change the friends name I was just too lazy to write y/f/n that may times) ok so i hd to repost it bc i forgot to put part 8. im so sorry omg. but this will be last part for a few days. hope you enjoy.

~~

“Oh. My. God.”

“LA is so beautiful, and we haven’t even left the airport!” Alice giggled.

“I am so excited,” you smiled, walking towards the luggage claim.

“What are we doing first?” Olivia asked.

“Checking in at the hotel, then we can find somewhere to have lunch. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect,” she stopped. “Thanks again Y/n/n. It means a lot that you chose me to come with you.”

“Of course Liv, you deserve the world and more. The least I can do is take you on a mini adventure with me,” you smiled.

She pulled you into a hug, muttering another ‘thank you’ into your shoulder.

~~

You guys had some trouble checking in at the hotel.

“What do you mean we don’t have a room?” you sighed.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. There is no room reserved under Y/l/n.” he gave you an unapologetic smile.

You walked away from the counter and called Sabrina.

“Hey girl! How’s LA?”

“It’s nice, but the hotel is saying they don’t have a room for us,” you were trying your hardest not to cry.

“Really? That’s odd. You said my last name right?”

“What? It’s under your name?”

“Oh my gosh, did I not tell you? I’m so sorry!”

You chuckled, “Its okay.”

“To make it up you girls, I’ll take you out to lunch,” she said.

“Sounds good! Meet you in 20.”

~~

You ended up going to In-N-Out, it was the greatest thing you’ve ever had.

“This is so good, why doesn’t London have this?” Olivia moaned into her burger.

“So what are your plans for today?” Sabrina asked, munching on a fry.

“Hmm, I don’t quite know. We were probably just gonna chill at the hotel.” Alice sipped on her drink.

“Well, I know that you two,” she said pointing at Alice and Olivia. “Probably don’t have plans tomorrow while Y/n is with Anth.”

“Not really. We weren’t going to explore LA until Sunday and Monday.”

“I may or may not have scheduled you guys’ spa appointments,” she smiled.

“Really?” Olivia asked.

“Yeah, but if you guys aren’t up for it, I can cancel.”

“Who would turn down a spa day??” Alice laughed.

After lunch you parted ways with Sabrina. The three of you went back to the hotel, had a swim, took lots of pictures, and just had a great time. The girls also helped you practice for tomorrow.

You were really nervous about tomorrow. The last time you went to sing a duet you were humiliated. So who knows how tomorrow will go.

~~

You weren’t supposed to meet Anth until noon, but you were wake by 7. You just couldn’t sleep any longer. You had to get everything ready and make sure it was perfect. You couldn’t be late or early. Everything needed to be planned. You weren’t going to ruin this collab as well.

Though you didn’t exactly ruin the last one.

“Alice, Olivia, I’m going to shower. Please get up, I want breakfast soon.” You said as you grabbed your clothes and headed to the shower.

Throughout the showers, many tears were shed. This was the only time you allowed yourself to cry, about anything you needed to.

You were mainly crying because you hadn’t gotten any answers. It had been almost 2 weeks and he hadn’t even tried to apologize. You let the tears run down your face. What did you do to make him so angry? Why did he hurt you like that? Did he truly forget?

These questions ran through your brain every day. But you only acknowledged them at these times.

After a good 15 minutes of self-pity you got out of the shower. You were careful to make sure your face wasn’t red nor puffy when you left the bathroom.

“Almost ready?” you asked as you dropped the towel in your make-shift pile of dirty clothes.

“Yes, just a few more curls to go,” Olivia said, twirling her curling wand.

“I need to do my eyebrows, then we can go.” Alice said as she grabbed her eyebrow palette and took a seat in front of the mirror.

You three finished getting ready in silence, but it wasn’t weird.

~~

After breakfast you three went back to the hotel. You had made an agreement before you got here that you weren’t going to explore until you had the entire day, cuz you all knew that you’d get sidetracked and be late.

“What time is it?” you asked.

“Ten past ten,” Alice said as she scrolled through Instagram.

“Where are you meeting him?” Olivia asked as she flipped through the channels on TV, stopping on The Notebook.

“In the hotel he’s staying at,” you answered.

“Ooooh his hotel room,” Alice wiggled her eyebrows.

“Ew stop!” you threw a pillow at her. “I don’t see him like that.”

“He’s definitely boyfriend material,” Olivia smirked.

“I don’t even know him!”

“You didn’t know Conor,” said Alice as you glared at her. “Sorry.”

“I just, I just don’t know what I did wrong! Did I say something or not say something. Was I a jerk? Was I too forward? Too clingy? I just don’t understand what I did!” you cried.

“Hey,” Olivia hugged you. “You did nothing wrong. Do you hear me? Nothing. This is not your fault. What happened was completely his fault. And I’m sorry he hasn’t given you answers, but don’t you dare blame yourself.”

“You’re right,” you sniffled. “He’s at fault here, not me.”

“You should post a picture on Instagram to show him what he’s missing.”

“I should.”

You posted a picture of you at the restaurant you went to this morning. Olivia had taken the picture. It was of you holding a cup of tea, you were looking at the camera smiling. You thought you looked amazing, because you did. Your eyes sparkled with joy and your smile was as bright as the sun.

You posted the picture with the caption that said:

the barista judged me for getting tea instead of coffee…

You decided to curl your hair for the video with Anth. So you were sat on the ground in front of the mirror as Alice and Olivia watched The Notebook.

“Oh my god.” Alice gasped.

“What?” you looked at her through the mirror.

“He liked your picture.”

“Who did?” you sat the curling wand down and turned to face your friends.

“Conor did.”

~~

You went to reply when your phone rang.

“Hello?” you stood up and walked out into the hallway.

“Who’s she talking to?” Olivia asked Alice.

“No idea. But this is getting out of hand,” she sighed.

“Conor needs to stop playing her like this.”

“We have to do something.”

“I know, but what?”

“Hey guys,” you said, walking back in. “I’m gonna head out. I’ll see you tonight. Have fun at the spa and don’t do anything stupid!”

You walked out of the hotel and waited for your Uber. The ride there was actually nice.

“So where ya headed?” the older lady asked.

“A friend’s house, we’re going to film a cover for his YouTube channel,” you smiled.

“Exciting. How’s your week been?”

“Honestly? It could have been better, but I’m on vacation so I’m not complaining.”

“Do you want to take about it?”

“Really?” you asked.

“Sweetheart, I have a 14 year old. I’m used to talking them through their problems.”

“There’s this guy, and he was really nice but then he did something really rude and he’s been ignoring me since. All I want to know is what I did wrong,” you sighed.

“Have you tried approaching him?”

“Well, he’s kind of famous. So no.”

“Ah, I see. Well do you want my advice as a stranger or a mom?”

“Both.”

“Okay, well my advice as a stranger is to block him on everything and try to forget what happened. He’s not worth it.”

You chuckled, “And your advice as a mom?”

“Try to talk to him. Don’t ask for an apology, just an explanation. If it’s a dumb one then move on. If it’s reasonable then try to work through it.”

“Wow, thank you so much.”

She parked the car and turned around, “Anytime.”

“Here you go,” you gave her your money and exited the vehicle. Once you were on the side walk you turned around, “your child is one lucky kid.”

~~

The walk to Anth’s room was quiet, which allowed you to think. This is the first time since he liked your picture that you’ve had time to think about it.

How fucking dare he do that?

He had no right.

He ignored you for almost 2 weeks then likes your photo.

You were pissed off. He was playing you, or at least trying to. You weren’t going to fall into his tricks anymore. He was a dick and he didn’t deserve you.

You finally arrived to Anth’s room and knocked.

“Hi, you must be Y/n!” he smiled, embracing you in a hug.

“That’s me,” you laughed.

“I have so many ideas,” he said, leading you into the main room of the loft.

“I’m all ears,” you said as you sat down.

“So since you have a higher voice than me I was thinking we could do a duet that was originally sung by a guy and a girl.”

“I agree, do you have any ideas?”

“I have one,” he opened his phone and a song began playing. It was ‘Secret Love Song’ by Little Mix.

“I love this song!” you stood up and began singing along as you danced around the living room.

“And I also wrote a rap for it,” he handed you his notes and you read over them.

“Anth, this is amazing!” you read the lyrics, you were in awe of this boy.

“Thanks,” he stood up. “Are you sure it’s not too scandalous?” he asked as he started to set up the lights.

You grabbed the second light and followed his movements, “Why would you think that?”

He gave you a look.

“Oh, that.”

“Yeah.”

“Did he tell you?”

“No, and you don’t have to.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to know?” you smirked. “It doesn’t bother me anymore.” That wasn’t a complete lie, it still hurt but not as bad.

“Oh thank god, I’ve been dying to know,” he laughed.

So you told the story once more. Explaining what happened, how you felt, how you assumed he felt all while setting up.

“So,” you started, sitting down in front of the camera. “What’s the key to making a cover amazing?”

“All the emotion you feel towards Conor, put it into your singing.”

“All of it?”

“All of it.”

~~

The recording was amazing. Though you did have to do multiple takes due to laughing, getting distracted or crying uncontrollably.

The one thing you loved about Anth is that he didn’t judge you. The first time you cried while recording, he simply stopped the camera and gave you a tissue. He waited until you told him you were ready.

After finally getting all the footage needed you two ordered pizza.

“Would you mind if I invited my friends over?” you asked, as you took a drink of your water.

“I don’t mind, just make sure they don’t post the location.”

“Got it,” you chuckled as you sent Alice a text telling her they could come over.

“Okay,” you started.

“What’s up?” he asked, sitting next to you.

“You know my story, what’s yours?””

“Well, what do you want to know?”

“Honestly?” he nodded.

“Why do you think he did it?” you asked shyly.

“I have no clue. You’re an amazing girl and he lucked out.”

“Do you think I did something?”

“The thing with Conor is, he doesn’t know what to do when put into a situation. And half the time, he’ll pick the easy option.”

“That’s the thing though!” you threw your hands up. “I don’t know what situation he was put into.”

“Have you asked him?”

“I was going to, but he unadded me on everything. I took that as a sign to leave him alone.”

There was a knock at the door.

Anth put his hand on your thigh, “I don’t know why he did what he did. Just know, he’s the type of guy that will do anything, and I mean anything to make sure you know he’s sorry.” And with that he got up and answered the door, returning with your two closest friends.

The rest of the night was filled with lots of laughter and good music.

At first it was just videos of you four singing in your loudest voice possible but then it got serious. You got into teams and began battling against each other. So it was fair, Alice and you were on one team while Olivia and Anth on another.

It got super tense when Anth and you were up against each other.

He began rapping which honestly shouldn’t have caught you off guard, but it did. So then you started to sing You & I by One Direction, which caused him to smirk thinking he had won. But when you hit that high note everyone’s jaw dropped.

“Holy shit Y/n.” he gasped.

“Thanks,” you smiled. “Does that mean I win?”

“I’ll say you won if you agree to do another cover with me.”

“I don’t know,” you trailed off. “I’ll have to check my schedule.”

This caused all four of you to burst out laughing.

But then the door knocked.

“Who else did you invite?” Anth asked.

“No one.” You three said in unison.

“I’ll go check, just in case it’s a fan.” You said walking to the door.

When you opened the door you froze. You did not expect to see him of all people.

Conor Maynard was standing right in front of you.

“Hi.”

[backonefish]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION 2016

@paynner tagged me in this (i hope this is still her name :p). And I’m super excited to do this even if I really don’t have much to say. But anywho, here goes.

1. List of works published this year: 

A Whole New World

In a World Like This

(it hit me the minute I posted my second fic that both the titles were incredibly similar and it was too late too change. Le sigh. Tis life)

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I know IAWLT was the more popular one, but I’m quite impartial to my first one, AWNW (what the hell are these acronyms? Is this what I get for naming fics after song titles?). It was the first one I wrote for the 1D fandom and it kind of took a life of its own. The minute I saw the prompt, the plot fell into place and I loved being able to write all the Disney into their banter. It was just so much fun to write. I don’t think I’ve written anything that has been that much fun and I kept having to tell myself to focus on actual life and not write.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

Um… neither? I know I’m more proud of AWNW, so ergo, the other should be my least. But I really loved writing both and I’m quite proud of both. I mean they’re not literary masterpieces, but I liked them enough to publish… Having said that, there is still stuff I would like to change.

For AWNW, I still feel like the bet was a little too rushed and forced. I had to keep re-writing that part and wished I could’ve fleshed it out more. I also feel like I suck at endings, bc I get super into developing the plot and once I figure out how to end it, I rush into it so quickly and just want to be done. And then when I go back, I wish I had a full more bodied ending. I dunno if that makes sense, but it’s something I need to work on.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Can I pick two? I’m going to pick two. Both are from AWNW. (this part turned out to be quite long. sorreeee)

“I Just Can’t Wait to be King” is what wakes him up on Wednesday. It used to be what woke his parents up every day when he was a child and the Lion King was the best thing ever. Except he’s no longer a kid and karma’s a bitch.

Today when he drinks tea, he covers Simba’s face with a strategically placed thumb. He places the mug in the sink once he’s done, only to double back and place a kiss on Simba’s face. It’s really not Simba’s fault that his neighbour is an asshole who can’t respect sleeping hours.

That night, Louis stuffs his ears with cotton and hopes for the best.

---

On Thursday, hopes come true. For the first time that week, Louis is woken up by his alarm. Not some –

The angst filled notes of “Let it Go” comes thudding through the walls. Never mind then. Hopes are meant to be dashed.

---

It’s Friday and “Tale as Old as Time” is playing through his walls and really, being woken up every fucking day by a piano playing, Disney loving neighbour, is a tale as old as time. Tomorrow is Saturday. Surely, his neighbours understand the sanctity of a Saturday.

---

Surely he has been more wrong in his life? It’s currently 7:20 and Louis is lying in bed listening to a much improved version of “A Whole New World.” Neighbour #2 is getting better at this. Too bad the same can’t be said for Louis’ sleep.”

K, So I loved this bit bc I was quite proud with how things flowed. It was one of the first ideas that came to me about the fic and stylistically, I enjoyed the movement from one day to the next and the chance to incorporate the Disney songs into the transitions.

And

Perhaps he too should write a poem.

He pulls out a blank sheet of paper and chews his pen.

Harry. He’ll write a poem for Harry.

Hair that shines like a princess

No. He scratches that out and starts again. It’s still too soon.

Skin as soft as a petal

Hair as shiny as the sun

Eyes so – what rhymes with petal? Metal? Nettle? Kettle? Ah, yes. That will work.

Eyes as green as my kettle

Harry, you are my number one.

Dimples as deep as the sea

Lips that make me want to come

Heart as pure as can be

Harry, you are my only one.

Perfect. Literary genius, he is. This is Pulitzer Prize worthy. He rewrites the poem carefully on a fresh sheet of paper and then decorates it with hearts and flowers. He spends the rest of the day in eager anticipation for when he gives the poem to Harry.

Ten pm finally rolls around when Harry texts Louis to say that he’s home. Louis bounds over eagerly, knocking obnoxiously until Harry opens the door.

“Here,” he bypasses Harry’s greeting to thrust the poem taped to a bouquet of flowers he’d picked up on his way home.

“Lou,” Harry breathes, caught off guard, “What is this.”

“I wrote you a poem,” Louis points at the paper, rocking on his feet impatiently. “Read it.”

“Okay,” Harry says, floored. He places the flowers on the table and carefully pulls the poem free. He reads silently, lips mouthing along the words. When he’s done he looks at Louis, eyes wide and slightly teary.

“This is the nicest thing anyone’s done for me,” Harry says, voice wavering slightly.

“So you liked it?” Louis asks, shy all of a sudden.

“I loved it. Your kettle is very green,” Harry agrees.

Louis nods. He’s quite proud of that line. Harry reaches out to cup Louis’ jaw with one hand, poem still clutched tightly in his other.

“Your lips make me want to come too,” Harry whispers, leaning down.

This is my other favourite bc its so absurd. The poem is so bad. I love it. It’s crazy and stupid. It was the most ridiculous thing I could write and I did write it and it just worked with the nature of the fic. Also I could easily picture Larry being this ridiculous about shit (*cough* the wind makes nice waves) and being so in love with each other that they can’t see how bad it is. So yeah. These two pieces.

(also wow, apologies for all the grammatical errors in AWNW)

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

Ahhh, I love every single kudo, like, bookmark and comment. I’m still flabbergasted that someone would take the time to appreciate my fic in any sense. So thank you.

If I had to pick one (im sorry if this is cheesy) but I loved the comment paynner left on IAWLT. I wrote it based on her prompt but never in a million years would I expect her to leave such a heartfelt comment on my fic. Like, she picked excerpts she liked and commented on it, promoted it on tumblr and then even proposed to me (I said yes). It honestly doesn’t get better than that. Forever grateful.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Oh… um right before I started writing Larry. I used to write for other fandoms and stopped bc I was no longer inspired? And just real life got in the way and I didn’t see the purpose of writing anymore.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you

This is super tough. I want to say the Harry and Louis I wrote for AWNW. They’re both so ridiculous and over the top. I never imagined writing them like that and it actually working.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Well one, I started writing again, and two, I’m writing RPF and AUs which I never imagined id do. But moreover, I wrote more comedic, light hearted fluff. I used to write angst bc I get angst and it was what I always wrote. So coming back into a completely different genre was nerve-wracking but also so much fun and quite rewarding. I got to be sillier in my work, insert more of my thought process into the characters, and actually create worlds.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I want to return to angst next year, and write a longer fic. Mainly, commit to something long enough to actually write it. The last time I wrote a multi-chaptered fic, I was so tired by the end of it and was the worst at updating. So yeah, commit to writing, create a proper schedule to write, and all that jazz.

Oo I also really want to develop my side characters more. Make them more well rounded and bodied and more central to the plot.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Can I just say all the authors in this fandom have been a huge inspiration. I’ve been reading fic for the past year and a half and I’m always so incredibly floored by the variety, talent, and uniqueness of each fic. So, yeah, a huge thank you to everyone who has written.

I will pick out three (bc I love doing things in threes) who have definitely been a positive influence.

Zarah5 (I hope that wherever she is, she’s doing amazing.) Stylistically, the way she writes… wow. The ability to convey emotion and fears through actions and dialogue only, is so unique and I’m in awe of how she does it. Her plots are so detailed and nuanced and just pull me under (see what I did there? I can be punnier than harry). Also her sentence structure? She embodied the characters as the narrators so well and utilizes that into unique sentence structures. I’ve yet to see someone who can write in such a manner.

@alienproof so I’ve commented on chelsie’s work about how she creates atmosphere. You read her fics and you’re instantly pulled into the mood of the world. Finding Lou? The Wonderlands? Omh, the wonderlands. Guys, you don’t understand how much I love that fic. I’ve never waited that eagerly for a fic update in my life. Her Louis and Harry are so much older, but so well written, their fears and motives and dynamic. And the atmosphere. It always boils down to the atmosphere and I love it.

@paynner . duh. I adore her writing. ADORE. Her fics are the best pick-me-ups you could ever need. They’re so funny, so smutty, so unique. Also she’s this plethora of prompts and every time I come across one of them, I’m like ooo I want to write it. Obviously, I went and wrote one. So, literally, she’s been the most positive influence. But yeah, I love her mind, I love how well she writes and I LOVE how somethin’ bout you was so different than her usual style of writing but it works so well! I remember only realising who the author was bc princess isn’t subtle at all, but otherwise I got so sucked up in the world and the plot and the unique way the love/hate dynamic worked that I couldn’t even tell it was her. Oh, also – how the hell did she manage to write so much in a year? 

You people amaze me. And make me think, hey i should give this writing thing a shot too.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Lmao, my love for BSB? Im still amazed that I was able to insert them into a fic. I literally wrote three dates for Harry and Louis in IAWLT bc I wanted to write about the Backstreet Boys and then I went and named the fic after their song. Sue me, I’m trash for them.  

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write what you want. Write what’s fun. You’ll enjoy it more than if you try to write what other people want to read. Also write for fic exchanges bc it puts you on a deadline and provides you with prompts and gives you an automatic audience. (I guess this is mainly for newer writers, but I really have no new wisdom for experienced, established authors… )

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Oh… finishing for sure. I’m working on a med school, friends with benefits fic, set in Canada which is multi-chaptered bc why not bite off more than I can chew. The entire thing is planned out, but I’ve been stuck on the third chapter and life is a thing that refuses to be ignored… so yeah. Lets see. But I’d like to get it finished this year.

keep everything crossed

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

@donotdialnine and @juliusschmidt who I’ve recently been reading again. So much love for their work. And @sadamenoito bc i’ve read all her fics a few too many times. Dunno if you’ve done it already, but if you haven’t….

*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)

[cyanpeacock]

Realtalk(tm): Pain.png

ok so hello again my good and loyal scrubs.

im in pain again today? and like, as is frequent, not understanding its source very well or what to do about it very well

and i think maybe, all i can do is accept it? if the pain isn’t going away despite, like, changing activities, and drinking water, and eating, then is it just, like, i can’t avoid it? can’t get away from it?

a lot is like, the pain of that little kid who got pulled around physically and verbally and emotionally. a lot of like, this pain can’t be real, i’m just, you know, acting, or faking, or something.

but like... this doesn’t benefit me at all. i’ve tried acting happy! i do not feel happy, i feel very sad, and the smile comes out all sad. i can’t, like, beam on command. so, i suppose i am just sad and in pain. and i can’t change that, only manage it.

my head hurts like I might get a full-on migraine but idk yet.

some of the pain is also the pain of a young man who didn’t, like, even realise yet that what he was going through was abuse, so he was transferring it onto others he did “love” but couldn’t love healthily, and really doing his best to apologise when it was made known to him he was hurting people, but didn’t understand there are some things an apology can never heal. 

there is also the pain of an older younger man who bonded through trauma with someone, and while that person was a wonderful amazing woman so often, she really hurt him, like, so much, by denying some of his real actual experience of pain, instead of validating it. and i don’t know for sure, because this is a conversation that may never happen, but i’m pretty sure i did the same to her? 

and then like, my mother’s voice is there, saying, “you’re making this up,” “stop exaggerating,” “i think you’re overreacting.”

but like, on Counselling Day this week, i told my counsellor i hated my mother? and saying that now brings me a sense of... weird relief. no more guilt. because i felt it so often. i felt, i fucking hate this woman, i hate what she’s doing to me, i hate that i can’t escape-- and then it was time to like, go downstairs, and she’d be all... how she was. “I love you really.” “You’ll understand later.” “You’re being silly.”

like... i never said that before? not even to my counsellor, who i’ve been seeing for literally like, four years, on and off? is that how deep she made me bury those extreme fucking feelings, for her comfort?

i’m still really like... disconnected from my body. eating and sleeping and like, shit like how much weight i can carry without literally crying and stuffing it back down again, is evading me. but, like, it’s kind of making sense as to why it’s so difficult now.

and i keep thinking! like, why can’t i just “pack it up!”, you know?! why can’t i just shove this all away and hide it like i used to!

well, uh, i did that for so long, again, that the cardboard box exploded, and i went completely fucking manic and psychotic in the street.

and i thought my grandad would help me, you know? give me a room to stay in? at least help me get a supervised stay in a hospital? and he didn’t.

the psychiatrist i saw before the incident took off also didn’t help me. and recently, i learned a lot of other people have had Major Problems with the guy. like, major confidentiality breaches, disclosure of serious personal trauma to entire rooms full of very uncomfortable people who knew they shouldn’t be hearing this. but because he is the consultant psych for my area, the top dog, i don’t know what anyone can do about that?! we’re all sick! we barely have the energy to live, let alone complain enough to kick him out of health services!!!

it fucking shakes me, right. it was his eyes? like, i’m a masochist, i’ll share that pretty freely on here. and i’ve known self-proclaimed sadists and sadistic people, very well, actually. they have this weird, like... it’s like, it’s not even the look a predatory animal has. it’s literally just a human being who takes joy in observing other human beings in horrific pain. like, they laugh at videos of men being thrown in wood chippers, or hit by cars. actual things i have seen. it’s a total absence of empathy.

this “doctor” had that fucking look. he looked just like NBC’s hannibal lecter. “Mmm, fascinating.” a really good front of “professional curiosity,” but like, dude, i saw how his legs were crossed, and how his face tightened to hide a smile. i’ve seen these things on other, dangerous, prejudiced people.

i have been dangerous and prejudiced. i’m still capable of being these things. but i do everything i can to catch myself in those moments, and counter the dangerousness and the prejudice. this guy just, you know, said there was nothing he could do to help me, when i was literally going full insanity, you know?

i’m realising i’ve been drawn to people with that look behind their eyes, thinking i can trust them, when actually i can just recognise them. i had suspicions about my grandfather? he’s always been very... uhm, you know, attracted to “exotic” places, objectifying cultures and people, displaying sacred totems and caricatures of sacred totems that bothered me in a way i couldn’t articulate, but was aware of. i found them beautiful too! they were beautiful items. it was just... the way he talked about “the locals” and not “the people.” disconnected. physically he lived well? 

so yh i looked at that, i thought, this seems healthy enough? but inside, i don’t think he’s doing so hot with humanity. apparently counsellors should never offer to counsel a family member, and he did that for me. i turned it down, knowing that would be way too weird, and i couldn’t tell him shit, because he’d probably tell claire.

of course, the recent thing where he lost it with me, and indirectly sent me home in the dogbox of a cop car means i won’t be contacting him again, as far as i can control it. he had this like, furious, “no-sympathy-for-you-you-lying-breaking-in-thief” look on his face. like he thought i must be on crack and lying about it, or something, when really i was on no drugs at all, psychotic, and having a horrible flashback to hiding beside the washing machine as a kid waiting for somebody to grab me and hit me. 

i get why people go to that place. it’s cheap and easy power to laugh at others’ misfortune. but like, i can’t laugh at that. i can go “OH my god AHAHA WOW FUCK. he got, he got ATE.” if i’m beside one of those people, to hide and stay safe, but i can’t ignore the like... wow, fuck, my body feels that, fuck, there went his leg, shit, i recognise that, that’s brain-- thing i get, which i suppose is empathy? feeling what another feels?

the sadist i knew best preyed on empathic people, and boasted he was an empath himself to confuse the hell out of his targets. i literally never saw him display empathy, he always responded with a different emotion, instead of feeling the same? but like, i’d had that before, from my masochistic mother who was dealing with abuse by being the cruel one with power, so yeah.  

i did that too. i fucked a life up, maybe two, i don’t know. i was still really young when it happened, and couldn’t know better, because i’d never seen better.

i had to understand that about my mother before i could understand it about myself, because of “imagine how I feel!”

so yeah, i spotted the cycle of abuse, i’m fucking, trying to cope with how quickly it’s turning in my mind, because i suppose love is appropriately balancing behaviours in order to foster... well, nurturing? i’m trying to nurture what i’ve got back to health.

and like, uh, my mind is on fire. i can learn like hell, always have done, always will do. my emotions? also on fire now, instead of, like, almost completely extinguished. because... well, like, i can’t let them go out. that’s how i hurt somebody again, that’s how i destroy another life. that might be why some or all of the sadists i know, and in the world, are Like That. they hurt so much they put their feelings out so they can feel power again. because, yeah, control over emotions borne from extreme, life-or-death situations? there isn’t any. it was life-or-death, man. your body just Acts. 

it’s really frustrating, because... i can write about these things really well. i can sing about some of it, but only to myself, with the door open, hoping somebody will hear, but too scared to sing in front of another body, even though i know somebody will need to hear those songs, and cry, or smile, or feel nothing. i can speak about it, but SO goddamn slowly, it takes ages to get through the questions. thinking about it? jesus christ, only if i think like a machine, literally like the pistons of an engine keeping the same beat the whole time.

acting about it? holy fuck. what the hell. uh, so, my body is-- it’s telling me a thing. i can sing about it. i can write about it. i can learn about it. but i’m hungry, man! how do i... okay, slowly talking to myself. i need... what do i have? things that need cooking. but the pan is heavy! it hurts my wrists! but i need food. but my shoulder hurts too, so... do i make it hurt more? do i not eat? but i need food. but if i make food, my shoulder and wrist hurt more. and then i slip into confused loops of thinking until something gets intense enough to force the body to just, Do An Action.

part of me is thinking, well, if i can write about this shit here, do i really need a counsellor any more? 

but like, looking at him, i see he’s still really worried about me. because yeah... no social support network, can’t eat or sleep on a schedule, retreating hella deep into fantasy and creative pursuits and learning about very complicated things every day... i mean, it has its benefits, but i’m basically a hermit. and i really, REALLY want to be able to WORK in a LABORATORY. which means, teamwork.

the last time i did a group project was, uh, well. i haven’t done one since because of what happened? i had a whiteout as it was my turn to present and just, bolted. disappeared for the rest of the presentation, showed up at the end to apologise to the module convener. i was shaking like hell for... shit, the whole way home, i probably smoked pot until i blacked out, told my personal tutor i couldn’t do THAT again. bc i forced myself, thinking, I Have To Do This No Choice. 

turns out, they would have let me not do it if i’d explained. but i was really thinking Oh Fuck I Have To Try.

i’ve got another group research project coming up, but that will be not this academic year, but the next. hopefully by then i will have been to group therapy and... uh, articulated this stuff to other people who are going through it, in person? in a healthy way? there’s gonna be a supervisor there, apparently, and i’m so scared, but i know i gotta go. i can’t avoid this forever. i can’t get better alone. i wanna be able to connect with others who have lived like this in person, not just on here?

i keep “choosing” to be alone, but it’s not much of a choice, really, because i know how much... well, shit. put it this way. i’m feeling So Goddamn Much all i can do is cry in the street and sometimes sing a few lines while nobody is around to really hear the song. bc part of emotional regulation is emotional expression, and i know full well i’ve felt these feelings out in the street before, but haven’t been able to express them at all. like, i just, felt without feeling. disconnected entirely.

i can’t live that way forever. if i do that, i know i’ll lash out at people in numbness, because i won’t be able to register my own intensity.

i tried getting rid of the intensity? you know, an antipsychotic, allegedly mood stabilising, but seriously. for me... i felt so flat and slow and stupid after the dose passed like, 50mg? i’m thinking, man, actually, maybe i need this intensity, otherwise i’m never gonna properly process and express my traumas, which i’m aware i need to do to... well, get to a point where i can Work Happily In A Lab.

i know it’s not happily ever after! i know if i get there, i’m still gonna be striving for more, because everybody wants to grow, and everybody wants to go up. but really, it would be... like, it would be so much. it’s why i’m clinging on. it’s why i’m still alive after almost 22 years of... well, predominantly pain. 

but i gotta get out of pain to get there. slowly, because it doesn’t all change at once.

i’m still not sure how acceptance works? how do i accept this pain. it’s still fucking rocking my damn boat every day. if i capsize, that’s suicide, you know? and i’m well aware that one more trauma could be the one that kills me. but i don’t want it to be. it might just... you know. seem like the only way out, again.

because i am one of the lucky ones. i did run away, then i ran away again, then i got a room in a hostel instead of being on the street for years, and happened to come across an amazing counsellor who will see me for free when things get bad enough i run out of money, and i got an unconditional offer from the university that are saving my god damn Hopes and Dreams and life.

but i’m also one of the unlucky ones. i had to run away, twice. i was homeless. i had to find a private counsellor, because the NHS wouldn’t or couldn’t get me help before the next time i tried to kill myself. i ended up in massive prescription debt, and emergency loan debt to the university, which they’re going to try and pay off, but like-- it’s debt, man, like, thousands. maybe ten. i couldn’t even read all the letters, i had to get a welfare officer to do it for me. 

and PIP... are checking boxes. instead of looking at my life. i’m able, to keep coming here, to the university i’m sitting in right now, and learning, because I Find Ways. but the Ways i’m Finding are... so difficult. they could be SO much less difficult. all i need is money, man. so i can afford food that’s easy to prepare and eat. so i can afford transport. so i can buy things to replace what i fuck up when i’m really, really ill. so i can afford, you know, just a few things that make me smile? like, to have a holiday? so i can keep seeing my fucking counsellor and pay him for the work he does for me?! i can and will find a way to do this, somehow, but money would speed it up so much, and get me quicker to a point where i’m balanced enough to HOPEFULLY start Working for Pay. paying my tax, putting money in so other people like me can get a leg up. 

the fact that i could only start singing my own songs, the ones i always wanted to sing, after cutting contact with my entire family... it’s kind of an indicator to me i’d lost them already.

i mean, i’ve been estranged for... three years? four? i don’t actually know, exactly. i went back occasionally... always had to use drugs of some kind to get to sleep at night.

i don’t use that way any more. i don’t wanna go numb to that tiny little child who hated “her” mum. like... she’s not even me, just, you know, that was my body? i wasn’t even allowed to be a he back then. “there were no signs.” as IF, you just didn’t ever fucking listen. i HAVE to listen to that kid. i have to acknowledge that this is pain this body felt. and nobody, ESPECIALLY not her, can take it away. because i have ownership of my body, and my memories, and i know how publicly, explosively, dangerously unwell i used to be. 

i’m a lot, lot better, now. i have crazy skills i never had before, but it’s literally, like, dude, the fire is still burning, i have to stand here with a bucket of water constantly to put it out when it gets too big, and i keep fucking getting burned! i need help! there’s SO MUCH, you know? 

i can’t even put the sim card i had to reorder in my phone yet, it’s such a relief to not have That Fucking Thing to deal with. i’m already dealing with, like, seeing my mother’s Disappointed Face(tm) staring right back at me when i pause for just a fucking moment to think. 

i want a break, man, and i know it’s not coming, bc i can’t block this out with drugs any more, and the pain lives inside me, so i just gotta... i just gotta keep processing. it wraps itself up when it’s a point where i can, you know, kind of do something else, for a little while.