#most abstract reading of this line but anyway

[ghostlypawn]

“and if you lack the strength of your own, honey, hold out your hands and take it from an old man” is kinda sick and twisted when u remember he dies just as she gives birth and its as if his last remaining strength was reborn into this child which gives jenna the strength to move on in a way similar to a rebirth

[justaladyiguess]

Jax 001 Theory AKA An almost definitely wrong TADC theory

I thought it was weird that they gave specific attention to Jax seeing the license plate. Like, there's a whole shot dedicated it. And it doesn't serve much of a purpose. I guess it lets us know that this is Jax's car? But it's in the episode. A full shot dedicated to seeing him notice it. A full shot dedicated to the plate itself.

And there's a shot afterwards of him reacting to it. Not even a particularly comedic shot. It feels more in line with his reaction to Kaufmo's funeral in episode 2.

True, it could be him reacting to the awful adventure he just had, but we just had a scene where his smile turned into a scowl. And, you know, pretty much the rest of the episode. Or it could be him reacting to the absurdity of the license plate, but considering the day to day adventures Caine creates, this seems a bit tame to get any reaction from him.

So that gets me wondering, does the license plate have any significance? The number at the top right could be some sort of reference. But it's the 001 that intrigued me. It's typically a number given to the first of something. Maybe even the first person to come to the circus?

Instantly the idea sounded ridiculous (because it is, this theory is almost definitely wrong). I mean, Jax himself said that Kinger had been here the longest. But take a look back at what he actually said.

"Supposedly been here the longest"

At first glance, this seems to mean that Jax can't be sure who's been here the longest. Which makes sense when you consider Kinger's memory issues and all the circus members who have abstracted. And, let's be real, this is probably what the line means. But if you'll let me be delusional for a second, there's another way to read this line.

What if Jax means that everyone assumes Kinger had been there the longest? But he knows it's not true because he's been there the longest?

For most characters, it wouldn't make sense for them to be purposefully vague with their wording. But this is Jax. It's completely in character for him to keep things from the other circus members for no reason. In the first episode alone he kept his supply of keys and Kaufmo's abstraction a secret. Jax will lie about pretty much everything, and he's pretty good at it too.

Further delusions can also be found in episode one. When Pomni tries take her headset off, Jax says this.

Could it be that Jax knows the circus members all tried to take off their headsets because he was there when they did it? Again, probably not. This is the weakest piece of evidence I have, but I figured I'd include it anyway.

And that would explain a fair bit of his behavior. Jax seems more comfortable in the circus than any of them. He has access to keys. He's only momentarily surprised by Kaufmo abstracting. He's incredibly jaded. He seems bored with the adventures, deliberately causing chaos to get them off track (his hijinks on the syrup truck, sucking up the ghost in the mansion, and trying to dunk Ragatha in the oil). It almost reads like a gamer who's played the game a thousand times and is trying anything to make it interesting.

Again, I'm fully aware that this probably isn't the case. I'd say there's a 0.01% chance that this will be confirmed in any capacity whatsoever. It will almost definitely be disproved. But until then, I thought this would be a fun idea. Maybe it'd be a good fic.

But hey, that's just a theory...

A DIGITAL CIRCUS THEORY!

and cut.

[codenamesazanka]

What more did you want from the Todoroki family plot?

In a word, anger.

this is hard to put into words, but—it's so frustrating reading this.

We've heard Enji say this before - I'm sorry, I intend to atone. It's indeed the right thing to say, it's exactly what he should be saying and acting. Natsuo is declaring no contact - That's fine, I'm sorry, I accept this as part of my atonement and will continue. Touya calls him a coward - That's fine, I'm sorry, I accept this as part of my atonement and will continue. The public hates him - That's fine, I'm sorry, I accept this as part of my atonement and will continue.

But you can only hear this so many times before you want to snap and beat the character, the story, the writing over the head with Enji's wheelchair. Why is that? He's behaving exactly as he should, and yet...

Part of me wants Enji to break down again, to cry, to feel some catharsis at seeing that, but that risks making it all about him (but the chapter already does, anyway). I don't think it's that I want Enji to snap at Natsuo or whatever so that I can take pleasure in knowing he's still a shithead (because it's good that he's (technically) improving as a person, that he's respecting boundaries!).

It just feels like it's too late. It's not enough. It will never be enough. His apologies don't matter anymore, because Touya's dying anyway. His atonement is supposedly toward helping the rest of the family, but as @class1akids points out, Fuyumi found a job without his help, while Rei seems to be his caretaker. Natsuo's leaving. Shouto will spend most of his time at UA. Enji's continued atonement does nothing to help Touya, who's dying anyway.

Enji is still saying all the right things, but the story isn't giving him the opportunity to actually do the right things. To have his new actions matter. I have no doubt about his sincerity in his mantra, but without the 'show', it's hollow.

Similarly, "Let's talk" is actually kinda bullshit too, because it's so vague. This is less about Enji, and more about the writing, how it set up this scene. "Let's talk" or "I want to talk" or any of that variation is repeated 6 times, without anything more or specific added.

It's a placeholder for anything real, anything that will incite more emotions. Let's talk - about the past, about your (justified!) hatred. Let's talk about your League, the teammates you spent all those months with. Let's talk, about Fuyumi's new job, about Natsuo's girlfriend.

But I feel the story couldn't give us that because it will remind the reader and everyone just how much Touya will be missing. In-story, talking any more will overburden Touya's heart - and how apt is that metaphor? So let's talk about how we'll talk, but that's all that's allowed here for this scene. Else we'll see how unfair it is that Touya has to be confined to this room, he isn't with his family and they have to come to this prison just to tell him about their day, and soon he will be gone.

Details make it real, and it would've exposed the lie that Touya was saved in an actual way. The story knows it too - "this extra time Shouto gave us." This is all 'extra', and not the core.

And so Shouto's line was the only thing of substance, a real concrete thing instead of an abstract 'let's talk!'. 'Let's talk' is only the start of making a connection; 'What's your favorite food' is truly hit-the-ground-running making a connection. Of course it's the thing that affects Touya most.

If the story was sincere that this is a case of "it's simply too late" - as it should be!!! imo, to really drive in the clear point that they failed, they did not get the save they wanted, because that's the truth - the tone of the chapter isn't tragic enough for that. The tone is going for 'Making Peace With This'. We've skipped the stages of grief and all we have is acceptance. The characters have accepted this, and so must the readers as well.

[littlestpersimmon]

Had this weird story idea about a big dragon with runes all over him, and he's like a paper accordion that could unwind for thousands of miles, and the only way you could defeat him was if you were able to read every single rune on the dragon's papery body, and discern the long riddle of the princess who turned her labyrinthine library into her living armor in the form of a colossal and endless dragon . So far every knight that tried to off the dragon with fire, rain, whatever, was met with *death by a thousand paper cuts*. But the dragon don't really kill them, bc dragon is actually squeamish Lol. But since the entire kingdom is enrobed by the pages of a large dragon, there are entire university branches dedicated to discerning the riddle of the princess, why, why did she turn into a dragon, why is this her curse. And their culture shifts around literature, books and academia being treated as the holiest, most venerable form of knowledge. But anyway a cringefail and autistic kitchen boy loves math. He had come from a long line of dedicated scholars of the book. Boring and trifling matters like arithmetic were considered ignoble when in comparison to the mystery of the paper dragon. And the boy disagreed, of course. He loved books and all but was easily frustrated by them, he cannot focus on it, he needs the abstract to become concrete in his mind, he is the kind of boy who looks at a bridge and marvels at the sheer architecture it took to build a bridge before he is astounded by the bas relief;

he loves the world as it is and wants to tease out the blueprints. Anyway, when he was a boy, his mama used to tell him the story of the paper dragon, with only the first two pages of the dragons body being successfully interpreted by scribes. It had been about a princess who loved looking towards the stars and recording the sun's positions through refracted telescopes. And how she had a library filled with endless knowledge.

And the boy read and read the two pages and was enchanted by the mystery of the princess' riddle. In his teenaged life the boy would see the dragon flying above him while he was climbing an almond tree, and he makes out one of the pages along its infinite body as having similar lyrics to the known pages.

And it bothers the boy, all day he'd think about it. And he thinks about the princess who locked herself in her tower, watching the sun through refracted telescopes, and made dedicated sketches and notes every day to discern where the sun had spots; and it sort of connects in his mind that those sunspot sketches helped form an image of the sun, in a way, so he does the same.

Every day he'd just watch the dragon, and waited for the repeating lyric, and noted it down, until he had a long and fucked up diorama of the dragon; It takes him 12 years to be able to reliably predict where on the dragon's body the lyric shows up again.

when folded a certain way, in accordance to where the lyric shows up, the dragon's papery accordion body, the dragon forms a star at its core.

written in a spiral, the story forms into an answer to the princess' riddle; "I want to be free, I want to be free, I want to be free, I want to be free,"

over and over and over. In all aspects the princess who was a prince all along had wanted to be free, and the only way he could think of escaping the confines of his life and the fear of misunderstanding, of everyone wanting to harm him or to treat him as unnuanced a person for wanting to be something else...... was to transform into a paper dragon, more unquestionable than a normal human boy who loved drawing pictures of the sun-

The boy who loved math looked at the folded piece of paper in his hands, now he held the answer to the riddle of the prince, and he'd look to the sky to see the dragon flying above him like an endless kite. And he'd smile up at the dragon, scrunching the paper star in his hands. And hed whisper, I love you, I know you. I see you .

And he could have sworn the dragon smiled back at him.

[dmagedgoods]

Imagine the father you hate sends you a talking sex toy

It may be born from expecting some cunning and twisted games from devils (where is the fun, otherwise?), but to merely take Raphael's and Haarlep's relationship the very way it's presented without further thought appears like signing the line without reading the words to me. What they do there clearly has layers. Raphael is smart, he has to be for those contracts, the manipulations, and his little ambitious plan. Furthermore, it's essential for him to stay careful. He, more than anyone, should know not to trust Haarlep. And he most certainly is highly aware. Imagine you want to surpass your fiendish father and he gifts you a toy incubus. What would you do with them? I, at least, know what I would not do with this gift: Order it to take the form(s) of those I most desire (or, worse, cherish to a point) or even fuck it. Now, Raphael is a devil (with a strong human side, fight me, but still a devil): of course, he fucks Haarlep anyway and maybe not to appear ungrateful too (after all, you want Daddy to think you appreciate his gift or at least paint the surface-level impression of it). But he only fucks Haarlep in quite a special way, does he not? - In the one and only way that gives nothing away about him. Or at least it gives nothing away about him that his father (and anyone, really) doesn't already know (or is supposed to know): That Raphael has a very high opinion of himself. Maybe it's even an abstract little joke. I, for my part, see some dry humor in it: His daddy sends this shapeshifting, form stealing incubus spy to get some information on how to pressure his son, should it become a necessity. But all he gets from said incubus spy is the statement that his son only ever fucks himself. "Raphael only loves Raphael." That definitely is what I would want my incubus sex toy to report back to my detested father. (If I was a devil, mind you.) Now Raphael doesn't put that much effort into the act, it seems, but that's not truly necessary after all and only serves him further: I don't think he fancies Haarlep gossiping about his actual sexual preferences with Mephistopheles either. Ah, now maybe Haarlep and Raphael despise each other or maybe they developed a fondness for each other, I can picture both, but it stays true that Raphael doesn't seem like the kind of man who would willingly allow someone to gain an advantage over him by allowing personal information to spread to those he's determined to outsmart. Of course, I guess, it's also a possibility that this 1000+-years-old cambion truly only ever lazily bottoms for his father's incubus toy and only ever while it looks (more or less) like himself because that's all he wants in this regard. Maybe devils are immune to boredom. I, for my part, strongly assume it's a game with daddy dearest.

[aivlion]

i'm really wondering about zooble's character tbh... they barely have any lines and most of their dialogue is just them being done with everyone's shit lol.

i'm curious about this one line in episode 2 though: "You don't wanna mess with the new AI, Zoobie?" it feels kind of random but... intentional random? like one of those moments you look back on and go 'ohhhhh that makes sense now'. it's played off as a joke, but it seemed like jax was confused as to why they didn't wanna come on the adventure with him, even just to mess stuff up for fun. like it was something they usually did.

were zooble and jax friends in the past? maybe there was an event that pushed them in opposite directions-- maybe they both started out just deciding to mess with everything: the world, the ai, maybe even playing pranks on the others. but then something happened. maybe someone close to them abstracted. maybe it was kaufmo abstracting.

(it could also be possible that he was covering for zooble to be able to stay behind and set up the funeral and that's all this is but im gonna read into it because im already thinking the thought and the thought needs to be thunk.)

anyways, as for the opposite direction thing: whatever happened between them only disillusioned zooble with the digital world and caused them to become more withdrawn, whereas it pushed jax to be even more chaotic, throwing himself into the adventures and looking for ways to cause chaos. maybe they both realized that nothing they did mattered - and had opposite coping mechanisms for it. what's that one meme with "nothing in life matters" with the depressed guy and the happy guy? cause thats them lol

[taylor-titmouse]

Julia is sick of working late. She's sick of being disrespected, and most of all she's sick of her boss. Lance is a burned out, smooth-talking playboy, but he also happens to be the son of the CEO.  When Lance pushes her buttons once too often, Julia is tempted to put him in his place – but is it worth throwing away her career for a moment of satisfaction? Content: -F/M -dom -degradation -small penis humiliation -directed masturbation -power play 5k words,  EPUB and PDF format Only $3, Releases later tonight! you can go read the first two pages on the shop page!

i've mentioned a couple times now that my editor and the author of roger crenshaw: the dogs at duskfall @mortalityplays is now available for freelance work for people other than me, but i don't think i've made as big of a deal how he's ALSO going to start releasing his own smut shorts on the last friday of every month! he is SUCH a talented writer on top of being an excellent editor and it's my absolute delight to work with him on the cover for his first release. FINALLY i have a great answer when asked "is there anyone else writing smut like you?"

and since this was the first time in a while i went through a cover design process that wasn't just me making one for myself, i thought i would go into how it went!

The Prompt

R/L wanted something that didn't visually describe the characters, because he had deliberately avoided that himself in the text. these characters are archetypes, ideas of characters: a woman who works in an office and her playboy burnout boss. for an erotic fantasy scenario, not going into detail can be ideal, as it allows the reader to project their own fantasies onto the characters. but what does that mean for a cover, when showing off the characters is often the point?

The Thumbnails

it means silhouettes, babie! if you're a reader of romance you've probably seen this approach a few times. silhouettes allow you to give the impression of a character without actually specifying them. HOWEVER! that can only go so far. note the female silhouettes in the left and right thumbnails--one with a pony tail, one with her hair down. these two very minor design elements say completely different things about the character, and pin her design down into something specific. (there is a whole line of feminist thought about this, that there is no such thing as an "unmarked" woman, or rather a woman whose presentation does not say something about her, ie a woman not wearing makeup is not perceived as neutral the way a man not wearing makeup is).

so anyway including her in the cover in full doesn't work for the prompt, because how she wears her hair or how she dresses would say something about her that we don't want to say. thus: we chose the middle design!

a man in a shirt and tie are super archetypal, and """neutral""" enough to not say anything specific about lance, our male protagonist, other than he has a job and is of average size (which are of course not technically truly neutral, but for our purposes, are functional as symbols). and while a long, narrow, leg does still say something about julia, it is abstracted enough to simply represent the concept of "woman" without projecting an overall image of her in the reader's head. she has a leg, and she wears high heels. that's all you get!

The Sketch

now we can move on to the sketch stage! this is the point at which the palette and text are figured out. i tried a few fonts before landing on one that had the retro paperback all-caps feel that i liked, and i used what i believe to have been a risograph print texture from retrosupply.

we went with the text up top rather than at the bottom, because it lends weight to the shoe and balances out the blacks in the pants. it also allows the figure to take up more of the cover, which is ideal. honestly, not a whole lot to say about this bit that i didn't cover in thumbnails: which is the point of doing thumbnails in the first place!

The Finish

well you can just scroll up to see that one. the final colors ended up a little less saturated, a little cooler, to bring it home to the retro paperback look i was going for and tie the colors together. i'm very pleased with it and had a lot of fun. cover design is one of my favorite parts of putting out books, and it was especially fun working with someone else to bring their vision to life.

anyway, you should go buy this book! it's only three dollars and i want to make more covers for these! your purchases would prove that i am a very good investment as a cover artist >:)

[cobra-creampuff]

headcanon that stede loses himself in stories in the purest and fullest escapism possible. he has an extraordinary imagination, extraordinary avoidance mechanism, and extraordinary lack of self(-perception). as such, it's easy and automatic for him to insert an imaginary, idealized version of himself onto any character in any story that he likes, without it ever occurring to him to identify with or even really catch on to any real similarities to himself and his life that might be paralleled in fiction.

even if he happens to read or be told a tale that has such reflections in it, they will pass him right on by completely unobserved, and he will either find the story unbearably dull or he will warp it into something idealized and project onto it as if it's totally fantastical and foreign to him like any other. he simply never sees himself in a story, because he doesn't see himself in real life either and has absolutely no interest in doing so (at least up until his final scene of season one, and these things don't change overnight so still past that but to a gradually lesser degree as he develops. um. for as long as he... continued to develop. lol).

like obviously stede does make everything all about him (tho we did see - for like a second. lol. - that he's trying to get better about that), but ignoring all the themes in a narrative work and any remotely undesirable trait in a character in order to make it the perfect escapist projection fantasy is functionally still making everything, or rather in this specific case, every story all about you, it just happens to be your personal ideal of perfection rather than your experiences. haha actually sort of like- *the audience relation director hurriedly turns off my mic*

cough. anyway. ed also makes everything about himself, but the other way around. he actively looks for himself in stories and in other people's experiences, and inserts himself if he can't find it.

at the same time, he also doesn't particularly want to see himself - not the parts of himself that he takes conscious note of anyway - so he generally just avoids getting close enough to anyone to relate to them. if he absolutely needs to know something about somebody else he'll guess(timate) or flat out make something up. he does that with people's preferences/tastes, feelings, backstories, even sometimes their names (except when unavoidable, or when he slips up and accidentally lets himself form a genuine human connection lmao). i mean, this is in part because most people ed's involved with are almost certainly going to die pretty grisly deaths, most likely during their acquaintance with him, and when he's captain it's kinda his responsibility, and he doesn't want to grieve or feel guilty for anything ever. but also the first stuff i said.

and then re: stories, if he's going to engage with one he needs it to be as exaggerated and/or abstract as possible and also preferably vague as well. that way it's distant and he can tell himself he wasn't really in it, it could have been about anything, actually it was really just about the nonexistent thing that was in it - like the story he told about the kraken killing his dad. like there's plenty of room to interpret that while we were seeing the flashback, ed had more lines describing the scene to his in-universe audience off our screens. but! i think it's more in character if he left it to just the few flippant lines we actually heard. he loves the drama and the attention, of course, but not as much as he (thinks he) wants to not be truly seen.

he tries stede's method via the jeff act, but we see that fail immediately and spectacularly at any hint of doubt twice (at the fancy party when they laughed at him and in the gravy basket when hermit hornigold didn't indulge the roleplay scenario). and to be honest i'm personally counting three more: when izzy pushed back against the ep10... Situation, when ed threw blackbeard overboard and became breakfast in bed bf instead but stede was still into piracy, and when he was forced by confrontation to admit his fanciful ideal of being a fisherman didn't match up with reality. plus i think if read hadn't interrupted, his little therapy speak word salad "i'm doing better than i ever was" guy with the rabbit would have gone the same way. (and obviously the inn idea would go this way too. so it's a good thing that never happened! lmao can you imagine...)

(vs stede who tries to play the idealized character, fails, pretends he didn't after a period of depression, but then adjusts the role to better fit his true self and is successful; they did write the arcs of stede becoming himself + ed accepting himself that they meant to, they just broke both their legs and their fucking neck on the dismount.)

ANYWAY. catch me writing a whole fucking meta post just to say stede would think nothing of telling the story of fenrir and tyr at storytime post-the parts of canon that aren't drivel.

you know, the story about the monster of mixed race parentage who is destined for violence due to said parentage even though all he really wants is fame, and the one man brave enough to get close to him? and the man helps the monster grow, until he gets too frightening and everyone decides he can't be tamed? so the man offers a limb in exchange for the monster's restraint, perhaps trusting that he wouldn't hurt his only friend? but the monster bites that limb clean off and eats it?* yeah, that one.

stede would be jazzed to tell a story about/by legendary sea-faring idols of conquest and (homoerotic) masculinity with norms that run counter to the social environment he loathes that ed (and izzy) wouldn't already know (and probably pop his rose-colored bubble about). he would not think hm maybe not This one though. all he sees is the excitement! *stefan voice* this myth has everything: prophecies, friendship, betrayal, blood and gore, finely crafted textiles...

meanwhile, ed is trying to beat himself to death since SOMEBODY managed to fuck that up, and izzy is shaking, crying, throwing up,,

*editorialized to make tyr seem better and fenrir seem worse, to align with how ed would interpret it in reflection of his self-perception, though i'll also say the very same ed hearing the very same story in a different mood would interpret a worse tyr and a better fenrir than textually depicted just as well

[doodledoodlesdoodles]

My way too long Opinion of YIIK 1.V (at least before I start Benevolent Psychosis.)

TLDR: I started the game with uncertain expectations though was happily surprised with a pleasant though abstract game. It's not going to be everyone's cup of tea in my opinion least story-wise but I genuinely had a good time with it. Especially the battle system, it's a lot better.

Also if you don't know what Benevolent Psychosis is don't worry if you play throughout the game you'll find out eventually.

I try to not put in that many spoilers but I'll still say be wary of spoilers anyway just in case.

Also, i'm not an expert in gaming, just someone who really wanted to write down my thoughts on it.

Also I didn't read a certain book + these reflections are based on the first edition alone and not future games like Benevolent Psychosis.

-

Thoughts of the original and my bias.

-

I think I should start off establishing some bias I have towards the game when I picked it up.

When Yiik was first around, I didn't really give it much consideration. I think I was vaguely familiar with a modeler of the game since I followed them on tumblr? I could be incorrect.

Though the most I became interested in the game as a whole was Uricksaladbar's video 'YIIK - The Hero You're Supposed To Hate'. I had (and somewhat still do) not a lot of experience in things like post-modernism. From my understanding of that video combined with the many others that I engaged with at the time the creator crafted a self-insert intentionally-made asshole who obviously failed to grab audiences. That impression expanded into a creator who believed he was smarter than he was by including his past failed games and declaring that 'my mistake was thinking that video games were art' upon receiving a plethora of criticisms. Criticisms that focused on things such as the confusing plot, the narrative of Alex being at the center of everything contrasting the game's moral of not being self-centered, the creator directly ripping lines from books, the bizarre add-ons of things such as the 'golden alpaca', the real-life inspiration for one of the characters being based off a real mysterious death, and lastly the game - implementing a 'mini-game' like system into rpg battle mechanics (which I believe is much better utilized in games such as Knuckle Sandwich) being at best taking way too long (To the point you don't want to use them. Some of them taking like 10 minutes) and at worst just broken overall (I believe I recall some people abusing Essentia's ability frequently).

At best some of those critiques were taken out of context or misinterpreted. For example, one of the other videos I would watch showed off an almost identical real-life copy of Alex saying it was what the creator looked like. Cue my surprise modern day to find out that he doesn't look like the insufferable protagonist at all! Wow! Some of it also was based on Kokatu's articles which wow! They definitely haven't had some controversy about being a poor media outlet in the past! (Sarcasm!) I can understand why some of it could make people uncomfortable though, I know I had originally felt pretty iffy myself over a plot point being based on real-life events or the awkward way Alex talks or certain dialogue that many said came off as 'forced'. I also didn't understand the plot and not many of the people I watched around that time seemed to either. I wasn't sure if it was intentional either and old game updates only seemed to confuse those who engaged with it more. I didn't play the game and moved on with my life, occasionally seeing friends online joke about the game or a few posts putting the protagonist in shitposts.

Cue to modern-day, YIIK I.V coming out and I hear it's going to be an improvement on the game's story and combat while also adding new elements such as the mysterious 'nameless child' character. I played the demo of the free promotional demo 'Nameless Psychosis' during a relaxing call with one of my dnd buddies. I still found myself getting a little lost (though that might've been because I was on call and half paying attention. However, some other reviews I've seen of the demo found it also a little confusing. The music and sound effects I also found a little weird.) but at least for me - the confusion felt almost intentional in an 'artsy' sorta way. I was at the very least intrigued by this version. I know the original certainly failed to attract me despite its inspirations falling into things I enjoy. Plus, regardless of my feelings about the game, it's at the very least admirable that the creators here had a passion for their project to the point they wanted to improve upon it. I bought the game at a discount with the eventual intention of playing it in the future. I tried to prepare myself a bit by watching more positive opinions of the series such as Planet Clue's 'understanding of the "worst" RPG protagonist - YIIK' and Kellkrai's analysis of the game. 'YIIK ANALYSIS' of the original ( While I did end up appreciating the dive in showing Alex's mind and how it transfers to the world around him + The analysis of Essentia, I was still a little confused haha.)

I should note I didn't even know about Deviation Perspective - Wrong Soul Reqium - additional material that works to explain aspects of I.V. So that might affect my opinions of the game.

-

PREMISE

-

If you don't know what YIIK is about somehow it stars Alex, he just finished college for Liberal Arts and pretty much has no idea what to do with his life as he moves back home to his town Frankton. Thereafter following a cat into an abandoned factory for stealing your mom's shopping list - Alex meets a mysterious girl called Semi in a confusing landscape before she's kidnapped by mysterious otherworldly beings. After witnessing this, Alex makes it his mission to find the woman and by doing so joins a team of internet friends to investigate. During this, the world - as planet clue says - 'gradually starts to make less sense'.In - what i'll call the 'b-plot' - stars 'The Nameless Child' (Also called Allison and Carrie) who is trapped in another world entirely. There she must trek the confusing reality that is her existence through bizarre landscapes.

Other characters include

Vella, a girl from another universe who left hers possibly from the trauma of a mysterious record. Due to her experiences, she has a lot of knowledge about the world and souls that exist inside and outside Alex's world.

Rory, a contrast to Alex (referred to as The Good Brother to Alex's The Bad Brother by the Nameless child)grieves over the loss of his dead sister. He's awkward and how Alex treats him throughout the story affects his involvement in the story.

Micheal, who was once a childhood friend of Alex suddenly inserted back into his life. He has a fascination with computer games and photography though appears to know more than he lets on about the reality he's been brought into.

Claudio, an anime nerd who owns a large chain of record shops. His family also had a mysterious disappearance of his younger brother - he's made it his life mission to find out what happened to him and other people who disappeared like he did.

Chondra, Claudio's younger sister who more often than not I found as a 'straight man' or the the one who questioned what the hell was going on around her the most. She keeps her brother company though expresses frustration with the fact that Alex has wounded Claudio in obsessing over the past.

The Essentia 2000, is a mysterious robot of Alex's dreams who claims to be his 'soul-mate' in the 'truest sense of the word'. She claims to be many people all at once but her past lies in mystery and betrayal.

Sammy (Semi), the current obsession of the online forum Onsim1999 (the one that the protagonists engage with) due to her very mysterious disappearance and murder. Who is she? Why do we keep finding lookalikes of her all around that no one seems to recognize? Why was she kidnapped? Was she even really kidnapped in front of Alex?

Krow, is an inhabitant of Alex's mind(?) and is often associated with The Nameless Girl's mysterious journey. Why is he here? What does his waxed poetics mean for our secondary protagonist?

Asuka, a professional actress and best friend of Chondra, is preparing for a role for the Japanese film director Kisage X though the performance she's preparing oddly seems to have parallels with the world of The Nameless Child and Alex.

There's technically more but these characters felt the most important to me without getting TOO spoilery.

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COMBAT

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As mentioned before, the combat mostly circled around Wario-ware-like minigames. While that idea sounds fine on paper (and good lord the RPG genre does need spicing up every now and then) the main critique was that they were too long or too broken. While the story is probably one of the major features of an RPG, another is mechanics and battles. For me at least, the two should have harmony with each other to be a good RPG. I don't even need a groundbreaking story for it to be a 'good RPG, I'm a fan of even the original Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64 whose whole story mostly surroundings Mario having to save Princess Peach from Bowser again (though I think personally paper Mario was able to have a fun twist or add ons to the story to make it unique). I'll get on the story later but the point is if your player is actively avoiding fights then you're failing as an RPG.

I'm not skilled in the nitty-gritty of everything that makes RPGs 'work' and 'not work' but I personally at least found enjoyment in the new battle mechanic.

(YIIK I.V)

(Original YIIK)

I think even UI and aesthetics alone in 1.5 bleeds (haha) have more charm compared to the original. Even little things like the camera moving down as a party member leans over a lunchbox for items or (I didn't play the original so maybe this was a thing in that one?) how certain status effects like Blind give the characters affected sunglasses.Also instead of battling on a generic landscape (Which isn't bad perse but lacks charm - especially compared to its inspirations such as Earthbound the bizarre designs of the enemies just stand out much more) the characters battle instead usually in abstract visuals or shapes. The main critique so far is that the camera angle of the battle makes it a little difficult to find out which enemy is attacking my party though usually the character screaming in horror after being attacked fixes that. Also, some characters in the game will use guns and shoot out projectiles that will slowly drain characters' health- I found these enemies pretty annoying overall.

Anyway, each character has an average attack, their special attacks or skills that cost PP (Either by destroying an enemy's Karta- I'll explain later- or until a little clock near the PP UI clicks back into place.), and their element or 'Pokemon type'. Like Pokemon - the way the types interact with each other can mean higher damaging attacks, lower damaging attacks. There are also 'clashing elements' where if the attacker and the target have the same affinity, there's a chance that the defending element will be weak to the attacking element. There's no way to switch out party mid-battle like Pokemon though so to be honest I usually ignored the effective move scale entirely and did fine. This meant that a lot of the time my party was usually performing the 'clashing mechanic'.

Another aspect of the characters you play is their Life (HP), their ATK (Strength stat), Speed (...Speed), Luck (The chance of getting critical hits), Piercing Power (The chance of attacking the target HP and destroying their 'Shields' or Karta), Agility (The chance of dodging enemy attacks), and Karta (Let me explain timeline first!).

Speed affects your character's and your enemies 'timeline'. Every character starts at the 'WAIT' region and upon entering the barrier of the 'ACT' of their timeline- you can choose their moves. Depending on how fast your character gets to the metaphorical finishing line then they perform their attacks. Mostly just a visual way of showing your turn order though occasionally i'll admit I did find it a little confusing with enemies such as 'Shitty OC' (real name! It's a sonic oc that throws bombs at you). If you lose a party member in battle an angel-like figure thing will appear on the timeline. Once they're in the ACT phase, they'll send out a new teammate to help you battle. I didn't pay attention much to act except when I was in a boss fight since I admittedly found it hard to tell the turn order at least with the enemies. I felt I usually had only a vague idea of how it operated.

Have you ever played a dungeon crawler that gave you 'armor' or 'shield' that acted as temporary hit points without ACTUALLY harming your character's health overall? Karta is basically like that in the RPG form of that idea but expanded upon. For you to attack an enemy (and vice versa) you have to break through their 'karta' and drain their life. Upon destroying all their karta (or vice versa) they will enter the 'bleed' status where they will slowly lose hp throughout the battle. You can have 3 card slots to put your cards in from the front (more likely to be destroyed first), middle, and back. It's generally good to have all Karta filled because of this in my opinion. (or use items that create temporary Karta when you run out). Plus it also engages more with another feature of Karta, that being the types of Karta at your disposal.

Each Karta will not only modify your stats as long as they're not destroyed (Some good and some bad- The Hungry Traveler gives you a speed of 150 at level 2 but others like Level 3 Torn Hat will offer a good boost in Life and Speed but take away 2 from your Agility.), give you a bonus while still in your hand (The Deep Well will change your character's type to water and auto extinguish the being on fire effect and The Seamstress doubles your life and regenerates a little bit of every turn), though ALSO gives you something if you're willing to use the card and possibly risk sacrificing a good defense you might need in battle (I like using the Seamstress's ability to restore life of all allies and The Sorrowful Maiden's ability to lower the maximum life of a target). Do I want to USE The Torn Hat to make it impossible for my enemy to pierce through my defenses (Karta) or would I be better off trying to keep it because its IN-HAND ability means I get more EXP from the battle?

It took me a bit to get into it but once I did I found myself genuinely enjoying the mechanics of it. I hear it compared to the Persona series which I've never really played before (I do need to though) mechanics.

The characters also have their own playstyle and abilities. You can also get 'combos' from how long your character attacks without getting hit. I didn't pay all too much attention to it since I couldn't really plan ahead for a enemy attacking a character but somehow I still got Alex's 'Amateur MC' achievement so shrug.

I personally used Alex for defense and using items, prioritizing his Panda Barrier move on harder enemies but otherwise playing with LP Toss, Hair Whip, or Feedback. It felt like Alex got the easiest access of moves due to the fact you obtain a decent chunk of them through natural story progression compared to the other party members who primarily obtain them through Alex's mind dungeon.

Micheal, I used it every now and then, usually when I didn't have many party members left or if he had happened to be sent out. I think despite not using him too much he has some interesting moves such as being able to create copies or enemies, turn enemies against the party, and reduce enemy accuracy. Also if your party is all blinded or all dead, Micheal will pull out a fucking gun. I found this hilarious the first time I saw him do this. I'm not 100% sure how it is different compared to the camera so take this with a huge grain of salt but I believe it does more piercing damage?

Vella's banish ability was kinda useless to me unless I happened to run into a soul survivor character (Which would suck if I entered a battle without her because that could've meant I had to kill them? I have to see if Rory's protest ability - which acts somewhat similar - could do it too. Not being able to attack the soul survivors at all in battle was a little annoying to learn at first.). Despite that I use her a lot in battles, she's got some good buffs and healing abilities and her Bass Drop ability is pretty good for handling a starting hit on some enemies.

I didn't really use Rory that often, I liked interacting with him in the game but I felt like a lot of his abilities could be swapped with Vella. If Vella dies though he's a decent 2nd option if he happens to come out. I feel like a lot of his abilities can be similar to her's anyway. He can give allies karta, give them a heart card and make them stop bleeding, convince enemies to leave the battle, and swap HP with an enemy. He also doesn't instantly attack due to his pacifist nature. Instead, if you have him 'attack' he'll enter a counterattack move which he will damage back the enemy attacking him.

Claudio, I ended up also using a lot. Dragon Jump kinda acts like a fly from Pokemon and Vampire Blades is good for keeping him alive. It's really nice to use on bosses in my experience. Also loved using Storm Fury when dealing with multiple enemies at once if I was able to.

Chondra is a 'wild card type' which means she can change her Pokemon type with the move 'copy element'. If you go towards the 'clash' mechanic more than I do i'd imagine you'd like Chondra especially since the copy ability costs 0 to use. I usually used her Spread Item effect to give my party gauze (an item that creates artificial karta space) or healing items though I didn't end up using her a whole lot unless she popped in from one of my teammates dying. Her character is one of my favorites so it's a shame that I wasn't as interested in her moves.

We don't really get Semi/Sammy that often in the game so I don't even know if it's that essential to list her off in usefulness. She works as a decent tutorial character for Alex to work off of battle-wise.

Essentia's able to upgrade her STR and use an all-enemy-focused attack that usually takes care of weaker enemies on the field. I also read that she can attack Soul Survivors but I'm not 100% sure on that one yet. I didn't use her all that much but she was alright.

Krow's abilities I do find interesting and fun to use though you can only really use him a selective amount of times so far. He's usually your ally anytime you visit Alex's Mind Dungeon and it makes sense since his moves are about healing Karta or cutting enemy Karta. He's there to make mind dungeon battles a bit easier to handle.

Speaking of which: The Mind Dungeon! In the original game, it was highly contested as being an obnoxious and confusing way of leveling up. Based on video's I've seen i'd be obliged to agree. It doesn't even really explain the stats or elements all too well.

In the new version of the game, its been updated entirely. A hub of areas for Alex to trek like a platformer to Level up (at the spawn point Krow will show you three cards to choose from and those three cards will boost specific stats. The Top shows you the leveled-up stats and the bottom shows you the modifier added on), the ability to level up Kartas to be more powerful (I'll explain this later), Obtain Abilities (Some trapped by puzzles, platforming, and unlocking overworld abilities), and see little performances by Handsome Krow (I think this is a different ish character from Krow?) and his puppet things.

Handsome Krow's performances are something transferred from the old game I believe, showing Alex's subconscious thoughts of some of the people he's encountered via transforming them into workers or inhabitants of his mind. You meet them by getting to certain floors of the original game's dungeon though they kept the dialogue of Handsome Krow explaining what floor they're on in 1.5 which made me super confused! I assumed that i'd meet puppet NPCs around the overworld but they're only there every few performances you get after leveling up.

The dark cups spread around town (ones with blue flames above it) around the overworld give you character abilities. I think the explorative aspect of it is fun though the bizarre background music in the game makes it very irritating. If you unlock another song for the Overworld via the jukebox not too far from Spawn i'd consider taking advantage of it. I got really sick of hearing the same repeat of the song even though I DID like it when I first heard it. It fits the bizarre world but man it was annoying.

You're also probably wondering what's up with the key, the fetus thing, and the blood bag right?

Blood bags are easiest to explain, after defeating certain enemies in the game you obtain blood bags that can be used to upgrade the power of the cards which boosts their stats! Physical representations of the cards are usually hanging out near the spawn ready to talk to.

The 'fetus' things can be found around Alex's mind dungeon hidden in areas accessible from platforming or using your overworld skills. There you can hand them over to this lady at her card stand and she'll hand you a key. See that golden thing next to her? You need you use a key on that. There you'll fight a version of The Nameless Child with a certain karta card on her during the fight, upon defeating her you can get whatever karta card she used in battle.

Overall besides the repetitive music, I enjoyed exploring aspects of the mind dungeon. At the very least I did want to revisit it (something I assume was not many players experience in the original) any time I got an overworld upgrade just so I could see where it'd lead me or maybe if I could get myself a new Karta to play with. Not a negative per se but I was also able to get to areas I probably wasn't supposed to due to just platforming around it rather than getting an upgrade from progressing the game. I didn't experience it TOO much (I mostly remember 2 instances of me being able to do that.) but it's worth noting I suppose.

Aesthetically it just looks nicer overall compared to the old mind dungeon. It feels more disorganized and jumbled of memories, locations,or thoughts that Alex has. One moment you're exploring a mysterious temple and you suddenly find a replica of a bedroom. The bright visual in the skybox did start to irritate me but I got used to it.

(old mind dungeon entrance)

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The Nameless Child's Gameplay

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The Nameless Child's sections don't work as RPG, her sections are more on the experimental side but I feel comfortable calling her sections more 'puzzle-like'. Her Karta usually is flavor or like inventory to me. For example, there's a section where Carrie gets trapped in tank control movement signified by a 'tank karta' card, after removing the card Carrie gets a gun (lol). The Gun Card in the corner of the screen will show how much ammo Carrie has at that moment before needing to collect a refuel. Other times her cards are 'you stepped in cat poo and now when you walk you make a frog noise' or 'you'll be safe when you walk in fire'.

While that sounds confusing and messy (and sometimes it can be, though you can always check the descriptions of your karta for clues) I found myself always excited to see what bizarre landscape my characters going to traverse this time. Whenever I went back to Alex's plot I always felt myself wanting to return to The Nameless Child. At the very least I felt less inclined to look up where to go and how to do things in her sections rather then Alex's.

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Positive Notes

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I think overall the game's ui is much more appealing compared to what I've seen of the old game. Character stats have full models and a more interesting hierarchy in the text compared to the static set of stats and a tiny icon in the original. It's so much more fun to look at compared to the original. Even the text boxes use bright blue compared to the drab brown or purple pops much more.

I think once I got used to it, I enjoyed the visual card format of The Nameless Child's karta and how that translated into her own gameplay. I think her involvement overall is an improvement and the general direction of it all feels like a niche arsty audience. Based on a line Kisage X says in one of the cutscenes, this is probably intentional.

Speaking of Kisage X, I enjoyed his involvement overall and how they used his script as the lens of the story. It feels like I'm watching a very 'artsy' director display his own abstract vision which I think matches with the vague cutscenes in the game. It also plays with this distortion of what's 'real', what's alex's world, what's 'reality', so on and so forth. They have characters that appear in the story reference a script or characters mention admiration for the director or they refer to Kisage X's distinct way of recording people by having the person not know they're a part of the story or recording.

Aesthetically I enjoy how Alex's monologues are recontextualised in the form of a standup routine. It allows his stupid nervous body language to shine through and make his otherwise pretty drab rants more interesting. It gave me a 'some trying to do standup and doing it very poorly' vibe and I'm pretty sure that was intentional given Alex's attitude.

If you like Michael and Chondra I think you'll like the update, Micheal more so though. Not to say Chondra isn't given a spotlight though, more just Micheal. She's someone who isn't stuck in the past or a delusion like the other characters and she suffers because of it. I only can compare it to Homestuck terminology so i'd compare her to the mage class. Someone who gains knowledge from her own suffering. Micheal fans will eat good though since he gets a large focus in side cutscenes of the game. He's the 'best friend' archetype but is a man who feels trapped in that role rather than naturally living it. I think his cutscenes and him pulling out a gun only when no one is around or if everyone else is blinded really displays that. His persona cracks only a few times around others.

While i'll go more into in when I talk about visuals and music, I heard some people uncertain about the reliance on physical models over the visual novel like portraits. Personally, I think it adds to the uncanny nature of it all especially when the visuals are at its most bizarre. The scene where The Nameless Child's model is shooting off balloons of a certain character or micheal entering a room of a bunch of wide mouthed puppets of someone typing away at computers comes to mind. If it wasn't clear I overall love the aesthetic of it all.

I can't get into it much without going into spoilers but I'm always a sucker for things that explore the mind even a little bit. While obviously not the same kind of game as YIIK, I always enjoyed games like Psychonauts because every time I entered a mind I was able to analyze and understand a character I previously only had a few shared lines of dialogue with.

If you're more into the surrealist way of storytelling, I think you'll genuinely enjoy dissecting this game apart. It doesn't go for a traditional storytelling approach despite what it may seem upon first glance with Alex's story. I was slightly worried when I started the game that it was just going to be the full alex run and then all the cool new stuff but luckily it wasn't that thanks to the spliced nameless child bits, side characters cutscenes, unique battles, so on and so forth.

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Nitpicks

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A lot of it is nitpicking and personal preferences, I want to say overall I still enjoyed my experience.

There's a certain character in Chondra and Claudio's story that appears in Alex's mind dungeon. I know it's possible to encounter them in the original but I did not so color me very confused when these two told me about it.

Whenever you go to a shop or buy something at a vending machine there's a side window of Alex's reaction to the item you have selected. If he's sweating - for example - that usually indicates that the item is probably expensive. I didn't really understand what his other reactions meant, I think he bites his lip if it's a cheap item and goes: :O when its more costly. Not 100% certain however of this.

I thought it was weird it let you buy the basic version of weapons that your party members get - especially before you're even able to add them to your team. Just sort of felt pointless and left me having more of old items than I needed to.

I did hear some people complain about the screams that characters do when being attacked during battle- I was able to tune it out just fine but I can imagine for some people it can be a little annoying.

The intro - namely The Nameless Child's part - is a bit repetitive walking back and forth to figure out what you're supposed to do. While her sections can still include that in future levels I at least didn't find it as tedious. However, it could've just resulted from me getting used to it.

For certain mind dungeons or areas, I had to google to figure out what I was supposed to do or go - Vella's mind dungeon came to mind as I could not figure out what was up with that balloon of Vella.

They do reuse the old mind dungeon's entrance section for a future part, which I can imagine people who never saw the original could be a little confused on what alex means by 'How did we end up back here?!' That could be a nitpick though since otherwise I didn't have issues with that part.

In the steam version you only get achievements after quitting the game, not the end of the world but something I noticed. Some of the achievements also felt a little weird since the battle mechanic plays much differently compared to the original.

There's a certain section of the game that builds up to your party preparing for a great disaster (if you played yiik you probably already know what it is). Before that Alex has to gather everyone in the party and during that you can still explore the world as much as you want to your leisure. As soon as you get micheal though? Even entering a dungeon to battle that one last enemy will count as an entire day so I guess don't do what I did and just explore those dungeons as much as possible WITHOUT micheal. Also a bunch of Onism1999 side quests blow up during the period of training which is a LITTLE annoying. Also before you had any option to enter the mind dungeon but now if you do that'll also count as a whole day. I think I would've liked a warning at least similar to how I was warned about Yuzu's battle before entering the area it starts his cutscene. Not only that but leveling up in the mind dungeon counts as a WHOLE DAY which really annoyed me since I was at 2600 (26 levels!) with 18 days left that I spent doing side quests and dungeons which ALSO count as a whole day. Said dens and side quests give you 100 EXP that you would need to use the mind dungeon to actually level up. I wish they counted entering the mind dungeon as a whole day rather than leveling up. I feel like I was essentially punished for trying to complete the dens and quests because it locked out of a day that I could've spent leveling my characters up.This was the only part I was VERY annoyed by and consider outside the nitpick category maybe when it comes to alex's gameplay at least...

Had weird glitches where the parties levels would be off- it used to just be a level so I didn't pay it much mind but towards the end I would have Alex at 41 and the rest of them at like 54? Not sure what was going on there since as far as I knew all the party leveled up upon alex leveling up.

I wish the Onsim 1999 side quests were something I was able to see whenever, I felt like I had to backtrack to my house just to see what other quests I had to do.

A lot of the funny lines or bizarre (Nobody cares about your dead sister, THIS THINGS DIGITAL BABY!, There are more Vellas then final fantasy games, the two brothers cameos and appearance) are still there. For someone who hasn't touched the original but watched theory videos of it I took it more as 'Alex's pretentious mind' at best and found it hilarious at worst. I can easily understand critics who say the talk sprites make the lines stand out or sometimes the lines themselves are a bit on the nose. Other times its confusing on what's the actual reality and what is a part of alex's but I suppose that'd a bit of the point. The game includes more cutscenes and visual flare to hopefully display dialogue more interestingly. Speaking of which...

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VISUALS (and music)

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I've already mentioned a few of the aesthetical changes previously, so it's only fair I elaborate a little more on it.

As a side note, the music was one of the most appreciated aspects of the original game and at its best, the update keeps its most promising soundtracks. One of the battle themes that played in Essentia's mind dungeon - even though it was just for normal npcs - had me bopping. Other times YIIK I.V does struggle to use repetitive music that - while nice on the first few hearings and I believe does symbolically match with the game's visuals - gets on my nerves a little bit. I was right with some of the more ambience in the nameless child's sections though other sections like the intro which plays a repetitive plink drained me rather quickly. Other songs like the custom-sung songs (especially in the main menu and final cutscene of the first chunk) appealed to me the most.

Anyway, I was told that supposedly they weren't able to get more profile visual novel-like pictures from the artist during the development of the update. I can't really confirm that statement, however.

The way the models look I can understand may be jarring for some people, especially with the fact that sometimes they move their mouth and others just straight up don't. Other times I can imagine people being uncomfortable with how each of Alex's teeth are modeled. Personally though? As previously stated I think it adds to the uncanny nature of it all. It especially matches the psychedelic and bizarre imagery scattered across the game (Especially in the nameless child's parts). Even then, I feel like I at least was able to understand everyone's emotions and feelings just fine and the locations they walked around were always beautiful to look at even when it got more bizarre.

(reminding you that this show exisited.)

It's definitely not something i'd recommend to someone who has epiliepsy issues though. It's not what i'd call Problem Solvers bad but it can certainly be a bit jarring for people who arent' really 'prepared' for it, y'know?

I'm sure you've noticed me toss around the term 'artsy' a lot. Despite the Oxford definition of it I wouldn't necessarily say it's a pretentious display of art per se, but it's definitely something I can see being a turn off for many and extremely appealing for others. Sometimes the aspect ratio of Alex's little booth talks changes and leaves wobbly red lines and other times places from the old game have been completely recolored (Mt. Town's lush forest is replaced with melancholic blues or the island that alex is trapped on after a certain thing happens has been changed to reflect the 'despair' of the situation more appropriately with black and white colors.).

It's something you have to 'open your mind to' (Hope you like that joke yiik fans). Not a lot of it will make sense at first but it's something that's still worth seeing just what happens next. The state of being confused is at least what I found personally interesting to engage with which I understand sounds very counterintuitive but if you like that mystery to it and that drive to found out what's going on I think you'll find it interesting!

As i've stated before, treat it as if you're watching a surrealist film or experimental movie like the game presents to you with Kisage X's shaky camera and visuals. Do I watch Un Chien Andalou (Don't watch this is you're squeamish to body mutilation, holes, eye motifs!) expecting a linear narrative in mind? Hell no, that movie was purposely made with no conventional plot, it uses dream logic as a narrative for the whole thing. YIIK is like that to me on my first playthrough.

A lot of the initial story is there but the cutscenes and changes that are made and interspersed throughout the whole thing really drove me to engage more with it despite knowing the general beats of Alex's story. there are so many things brought into this free update- even if I didn't like the game (I do like the game!) it's admirable they wanted to bring in this much passion for something that people at the time only ironically fandomed over. It got me at least to check out Benevolent Psychosis!

Speaking of which, Tell Kisage X that you don't think you're a parallel Alex. I think it would bring some interesting changes. Also save before you do the big battle just in case you pick the wrong option initially like I did (I thought the game wanted me to say I was him because of my player insert lol.)

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Y’all holy shit.

I just finished Do NOT Take This Cat Home, and like. Holy Shit. (I need so much fucking therapy.) (Spoilers under the cut like HEAVILY.)

First of all, of fucking course I would play this when I’m feeling lonely. Literally two days ago, I was thrown into A Mood when a coworker seemed surprised by my lack of friends. Everything feels Stagnant and I’m feeling like. Idek. And then I see this game, and it decides to absolutely Gut me with the dialogue you get if you choose ‘don’t take the cat home’ -> ‘leave’ -> ‘go back’ -> ‘stay’. “What’s the point when you’re always doing all of it completely and utterly alone? Even going home to your apartment wouldn’t help, would it…? One bedroom. One bathroom. …And one you living alone in it.” And then the cat comforting you…not speaking, just meowing, lightly pawing at you, listening as you open up even more… (verbalizing thoughts is so hard) “I really do like being alone most of the time. It’s the only time I really feel comfortable being myself, you know? …But even I get lonely every now and then. It’s easy to ignore when I’m keeping myself busy…” And phew, do I have complicated feelings about whether I actually stay ‘busy’ or not lmfao. “That’s why I pushed myself to go out today, I think…” I’ve done this, but not only out of loneliness and more as a desperate attempt to stave off the monotony of my too-big, too-empty house. “Heh, or maybe I was hoping to make a friend or something…” pfft. AHAHAHAHA. Gonna be honest, I was relating so hard to this scene that this line so viscerally shocked me it got me to laugh. I’m not comfortable with that!! I don’t know how to do that!!! At all!!!! If I were to ever gain a friend by going out, THEY would have to approach ME. And who would ever do that? “…though I guess that wouldn’t be a good idea. I doubt someone like me would make for a very good friend to anyone…” …yeah. And this complex of mine is even worse for online. Like, I’m bad at holding conversations (and initiating them, and knowing when/how to end them…), but at least in person we can be Doing something, take away from the Need for conversation.

…but anyway. Then you say: “okay, okay, maybe I won’t go so far as to say that, but…” I would. I’ve, been told otherwise from outside sources enough to know it’s not entirely true, but it really, truly feels that way to me. And that’s pretty much the end of the explicit dialogue. The scene isn’t over, but this is really what wrecked me.

But ahhhh that’s not even all of it. Not by a long shot. This scene just feels like. The easier? Shorter? Part to explain?

Because now, we gotta talk about the overarching plot of the game. And that is, escaping from an abuser/abusive situation. It didn’t really click for me that that’s what this is, until I went into the game for the second and final time, and actually read the content warnings; which, you can probably guess what it said. Before this, I thought this was a game about unconditional love, and how it can be bad for you. …I honestly still kind of thought that, until I got the dialogue about how this WASN’T unconditional love. In some abstract way I can’t describe, it made sense to me then. I, can’t even describe how now.

…but the point here is that I still longed for it, in some kind of twisted way. The ending where you and the cat groom each other? Where, in a twisted attempt to pay you back from the grooming you gave it, it forces fur to grow both in and out your body—killing you—so it can groom you? When you choose to sleep with the cat, and you stay there forever until you literally crumble into dust? WHEN YOU TURN INTO A DOLL AND CUDDLE, UNTHINKING AND UNFEELING, NEXT TO THE CAT FOREVER?? When you beg for forgiveness to the cats and puke up fish until you die, then are given the chocolate as a sign of forgiveness? (Edit: the pain just made the scraps of kindness so much sweeter. Which. Hoo boy.) Both endings where you give the cat your blood as food? The mice eating you, and the cat killing them all in turn? Even the endings I didn’t directly long for, I often found myself thinking ‘this is fine, right? I’m helping sustain this creature, so it’s fine.’ (Side note though, this is still a fictional story, so this likely doesn’t 1:1 reflect how I would feel in an irl situation like this.)

But I know exactly why I wanted this. In the face of all the horror, the terror, I still wanted this, because it was a love I didn’t have to actually put any work towards. Who cares if I don’t have the energy to initiate conversation? Initiate playtime? No matter how much it hurts, it’ll love me and keep me close in this infinite dance no matter what.

(And what makes this story so great regarding abuse is that it actually WON’T. It’ll beat me down until I won’t resist, absorb my remains, and move on to the next person. (Except I DO resist but that’s something for a discussion about the game’s plot, not. Whatever this is.))

It’s part of the reason I think I was having such a great time looking at a list of cats at my local shelter two days ago. I HAVE cats. I love them dearly! But they’re work, and I feel like I’m not doing things right with them cuz they want and need things and I either can’t understand what they want or I don’t have the energy/motivation to give it to them. But when I look at all these cats that I can adopt, everything is theoretical. I can imagine how much they would love me, how much easier it would be to take care of THIS cat instead of the (already really low maintenance tbh) cats that I already have. THIS cat will fix me. Adding THIS lovable responsibility to my list will TOTALLY make me a more functional human being!

[mar3ggiata]

professional help, c8. The big secret.

simon riley x original character.

trigger warnings: violence, sexual assault, mentions of rape, trauma, sexual themes, swearing, use of alcohol and drugs.

song to listen to when reading this: Un blasfemo, Fabrizio de Andrè.

abstract: sometimes I feel like I own the world and sometimes I feel so fucking alone the only thing keeping me alive is my dog, you know. sorry, it's Jude. I'm just saying, this is not a big deal anyways. enjoy.

Her vacation didn't last long, mainly because she wanted to know how the mission was going. She was scared something had happened. She stayed inside most of the time, only going out with Jinx. She tried to do some work, to read. She ended up eating instant ramen most of the time. She couldn't focus on anything besides the mission, and Arash, and him. Were they all dead? Did she get everything wrong, was Arash innocent all this time? Laswell surprised her by inviting her in her office on Monday. Something had happened then. She hadn't seen the woman in a very long time, she only called her for special communications. All the soldiers sent in the mission are dead, and it's your fault. She was early, in the parking lot smoking a cigarette, bouncing her foot nervously. This thing was going to be the death of her. She even had ballet in the evening, she was going to start her appointments with the patients on the following day… Un casino. 

'Hi Alba, how are you doing?' She had always liked Kate. She had a good heart, she was kind. She was inspiring. And she had always trusted 'Alba', from the beginning. From their first meeting, and their first… agreement. 'Good, thank you. How are you?' She sat down with Kate in her office. She was definitely a bit less tense now, seeing the woman sit down and smile at her. Maybe it wasn't bad news that awaited her. 'Busy, as usual…' she poured some water in two glasses on the table in front of her 'Alba, I wanted to personally thank you for your collaboration on the Al-Jareena mission.' Relief.

'I missed every single briefing, but Price reported everything to me yesterday night. Your theories on Tehrani were correct, they were able to spot some snipers that were waiting for them. If you didn't tell us about your suspicions many men would have died.' She smiled at Kate and nodded. Her heart was filled with joy. She was happy for the success of the mission of course, but happier for herself. 'I'm glad…' she replied. 'So, they didn't know we knew about the ambush? I figured Arash would tell the troops and they would change their strategy.' Kate nodded and her lips formed a straight line. 'I think so too… They were able to surprise them, but our target was no where to be found. They're still looking for him.' She opened her mouth to reply but Laswell's phone rang. 'Speak of the devil…' she commented.

Alba figured it was Price. 'Captain. Yes, I'm aware.' She excused herself and stood up. Alba took a sip of water. She wanted to know if they were all fine. All of them. She looked up as soon as Kate came back to the table. 'Sorry… he's updating me when he can…' she commented. 'They're looking everywhere for him and interrogating a few locals and soldiers they managed to detain, but nobody's talking. Maybe they moved Khorram when they found out we were coming.' Alba was very appreciative of Kate for sharing the updates with her, it meant she trusted her. They talked about the situation for a few more minutes before she asked Kate about the soldiers. She said there were a few injures, but all the 12 men made it and were continuing working. She was relieved. Her mood had improved significantly, even at ballet she had more fun than usual. There was still something wrong about the situation and she wanted to get the full picture, but for now, she was happy. She felt actual happiness for the first time in months. What validation can do to you hu?

On the other side of the world, Ghost wasn't having the best day. The desert air made it hard to breathe through his mask. The wind was making his eyes water and he felt the sand stick to him because of sweat. Plus, Khorram completely disappeared from Al-Jareena. They had looked everywhere, every house, every shop. The interrogations. He really didn't like inflicting pain to people. Common misconception about him, but yes. He hurt them, if he needed to. It was the only thing he knew how to do. But he didn't enjoy torture anymore, as he maybe did when he was a little bit younger. Plus, no one was saying anything, fucking hell. He ended up nearly killing two people out of pure frustration. His anger was spilling everywhere like a ripple. It was awfully painful, to see the deep faith and devotion to their leader. They would protect him at all costs. People roamed the streets like zombies after they took over, the troops defeated or detained. He saw kids begging him for water in a language he didn't understand, playing football in the same buildings he had fought and killed in. He was numb of any human emotion, he felt like his insides were rocks and dust. After two weeks in Jordan, they got back empty handed. Well, they didn't die, that was a win. Jude was right all along. Jude, Judy. After they arrived, snipers were already waiting for them. They still tried to defend the town, but Arash had probably helped Khorram escape before their arrival. Jude 1, Ghost 0. Speaking of Jude… He heard this crazy rumour about her. Johnny and other soldiers were talking about her one night, while they were outside smoking. 'One of my friends from my first deployment in Iran had a few sessions with her in 2021, he quite liked her. Said she was alright.'

'I think she worked with Price before, they know each other'

'Isn't she the councillor that followed the Billy Lunette case? Ex Lieutenant, back in 2019 I think. He went proper mad, he got hospitalised'

'You think she's married?'

'I don't think the army needs therapists anyway'

'Where is she from, she talks weird'

'I heard she took a year off cause someone pulled a knife on her'.

That was when he raised his eyes from the ground. The group had gone silent. The air was hot and fanning his face, but he thought he felt a light breeze on his neck all of a sudden. It reminded him of the girl, the cold air. She was an entity they just summoned, she had arrived. So that was the missing puzzle piece. 'Really? When?' the Scotsman was about to go get some sleep, but sat back down to enjoy the story. 'In 2022 I think, he was a patient.' The soldier who was speaking was way younger than him, around his mid 20s. Did he want to believe him? What if it was true, that would make sense, he took her home that night to make sure she wasn't being followed, and now with the Arash situation she had become tense again. 'I've seen this film before' she had said. She was scared to get attacked again? 'I don't know if it's true, no one really knows.'

'Who was the patient?' Someone else asked.

'I think his surname was Morrigan or something similar.'

'Yeah I think I remember him.'

'Yeah, she didn't go easy on him, there was a rape charge as well…'

'Nah, that's too much!'

He stopped listening. Not that he didn't care, he did. He didn't want to hear that stuff, it was gossip, it was useless. That was a big accusation, Jude. That's the thing, you do seem like the type to lie. You're a psychologist, you work with humans, you understand they minds. You're a manipulator. If it was true, then he might actually feel for her, if he tried hard enough. He didn't realise he was victim blaming, but he thought that's what you get, looking all pretty and working with veterans and men that kill for a living. He suddenly felt stupid for asking about it a few times. He really didn't think it could be such a serious thing, but it kinda made sense now. He thought about her in a different light, while on the flight home. Having that small new piece of information made him want more. How did you manage to get back on your feet, were you alone all the time, why did you come back to work in the same place? Was it difficult, did you cry, angel? You live alone, you don't seem to have any family, how did you manage? He had a soft spot for trauma survivors. (He doesn't realise this, but it's because he knows what it's like to survive trauma.)

He thought about that day, he realised he was one of the first people she saw after the attack. And she had to share a car with him, in the dark, through the desert, after she was just attacked by another soldier. He saw her right after it had happened. The thought made him shiver and want to throw up. He wanted to see her again, not that he didn't wish he'd run into her before... He wanted to talk to her again, but he doubted he ever would. Jude. Jude, Jude.

Shit happens.

notes: now you know.

notes: translation of song and concept:

I never bowed again not even over a flower, nor did I blush when stealing love (stealing love means falling in love with someone, them being in love with you)

from the moment that Winter convinced me that God wouldn’t have blushed stealing mine. (Winter always symbolises some evil entity. God not blushing means God will take your love and faith at whatever cost, just because it's owed to him)

(They arrested me) Because I said that God deceived the first man, He obliged him to travel through life as an idiot, in the enchanted garden He forced him to dream, to ignore the fact that in the world there’s good and there's bad.

When He saw that man stretched his fingers to steal the mystery of a forbidden apple, for fear that he no longer had masters, He stopped him with death and invented the seasons.

taglist:

@ummmmmwat @ghostlythots @sweetfemmefatal @natxpat @chavarriakeren647 @ravenmoore14 @farther-than-pleiades @internallyscreamings @hwromi @atoxicrat @cuti3maddi3 @deafeningkittenblaze @its-celeste @serene-hills @lexidoll12 @poohkie90 @lunatiquess

@warmedbythebody @katzykat @iristhemuse @azkza @keiraslayz @abbyandermine @jennyjencakes @dest-nai @corset-briefs @nutze-kekse @ilytsukiw @b3anspr0ut

@pondsblog @missyouzoe @fallenkitten @bigauthorrascalturkey @bethtay @angelynn-nicole @starluv @stargirlisworld @giyuuslittleslut @impossiblecupcakelight

@rkrivees-blog @ghosts-hoe @kam1snotverysmart @gauky76 @freyjaaasstuff @spicyspicyliving @scottpilgrimvsmyfists @courtney0-0 @shinchanboi @darling006 @my-therapist-hates-me

[puppycharmz]

Ideas!

A bakugan inspired toy? Like, it has a base form, and then shifts into another when activated

You know those 3d mazes where you tilt the puzzle to get a metal ball to the goal- You could do something with that! Like, the maze is the internal stuff, bones and that kinda stuff, and clear plastic is an external shell instead of 'skin'. They could even rattle and have the little metal balls used in gags

For personality...

They could be bit meaner than normal. Not awful, but closer to OG!Jax levels

Way more passive- If they get tripped, they'll just lay on the floor b/c "Eh, I don't really mind"

Maybe Aggresive for self defense? Like, they're terrified of someone they care about abstracting, so they try and prevent it by not getting attached.

idk- Just a random collection of Ideas to pick through! If they don't work, don't worry! And, apologies for the excessive text wall "

Here's a question, incase they don't really fit: What makes Zooble, Zooble? Like, what was the criteria for the other swaps, and how does it apply to Zooble?

i read bakugan and got thrown back to the ds games i used to play AND owning the specific one i used as inspo ANYWAYS. there were a lot of good suggestions but i think that this one just seems the most in line with zooble without it just being straight up zooble so i ran with it :) dont ask me how the ball works i . i tried to in theory make them collapsable but i dont think i pulled it off like i wanted to whatever.

as for personality, i think your suggestion of avoiding getting attahced is VERY good so thats probably it. they bully to seperate and divide from themself, but deep deep down they crave a connection.

[rey-jake-therapist]

*sorry I think my ask cut off the first bit here so I'm sending it again (Haladriel reminds me of Darklina, in the sense that both characters are so loved by me individually and the dynamic is fascinating, but as an actual ship in fandom? I have to navigate through the misogynist takes that are reducing the female character to a trophy)

I saw this in the haladriel tag on x and I think I pinned down the reason why there are certain people who can't handle dark ships and won't stop invalidating them by screaming about abuse/misogyny. It's because in their minds, they take things very concretely, not being able to 'read between the lines', and thus it's hard for them to really think in abstract ways. They just can't divorce fictional characters from actual problems in society. Don't get me wrong, there is a parallel between them that exists as a fine line, and we should absolutely call some things out. But in the realm of fictional characters, shipping, and make believe? That's strictly a 'them/individual' problem, not an 'us' problem. There are SO many haladriel shippers. We get so many fanart by talented people, many of whom haven't even heard of Tolkien. Are they supporting misogyny or have they had to 'navigate thru misogynist takes' in order to draw two characters together because they like their dynamic? It's not our fault that these canon police antis can't separate fiction from reality, and see every aggression toward a female character (unless it's by another female character, or it's a m/m relationship) as misogyny, while ignoring actual inequality in societies around us, as well as ignoring the truth that men can also become victims of abuse/violence. It all goes back to the funny hypocrisy of touting a beloved female character with admirable traits like strong, fierce, powerful, but the instant a male character challenges her and shows any kind of aggression at her - because spoiler alert, he's a villain, it's literally how he was written - these canon police antis whine about misogyny instead of just saying they don't see what shippers see in a fictional pairing and leave it at that. Like, it's ok, you don't need a reason to not like a pairing. The funny thing is, for all their fascination on Galadriel and Sauron as individuals, they fail to comprehend Sauron's character beyond what is stated in black and white in front of them (going back to the concrete vs abstract thinking). I'm not even a huge fan of Charlie, and even I can understand the 'seeing Gal as a trophy' bit is just a very simplified jest at the comparison to Morgoth and the Silmarils. If they actually bothered to read more of his interviews, it's very clear he sees her as beyond just that. Oh, she's just another ring to him basically? Ok but then why do I keep hearing cosmic connection spoken by him anytime Galadriel is brought up in interviews? Cosmic connection flew over this person's head like a frisbee.

I hope you don't mind me saying I never liked Darklina 🙈 I don't know if it's because I wasn't a big fan of the show in general, of because of the actor I found too pretty, or the dynamic in general... It just never worked for me.

I'm probably significantly older than most Tumblr users, old enough to remember how Mulder and Scully shippers were shamed and mocked when Internet and forums barely started to be a thing anyway 🤣 If you ever heard of X Files or even better, watched it, you know that there isn't a ship that's more vanilla than this one. And yet shippers were being mocked for seeing romance where there was only "platonic friendship" (joke on them, 9 years later Mulder and Scully were endgame), when we weren't told that "Scully deserved better" because "Mulder was abusive towards her

Shippers were always made fun to and it'll never stop, I'm afraid. I've stopped caring about what anyone has to say about a fictional romance I like tbh. I don't know if you use social media such as Reddit and Twitter, as far as I m concerned avoiding these places help a lot. Haters don't seem aware of Tumblr's existence, and I pray every day that they remain ignorant because I really like it here 💜

The best we can do is to keep having fun with what we love... That won't change these idiot's minds, but it will probably piss them off ;)

[iidylllic]

Restraint 🖤

Dark!Pantalone x reader | 1.8k words

Summary: You hold one part of yourself close- the ability to restrain your desires.

Reader specifics: GN, doll analogy used

Character specifics: If you’re reading when he’s released in game, he’s probably OOC, no nationality specified

Tags: DARK, non consensual relationship, blurred lines and unstable relationship, “colleagues” lines blurred, eula voiceline lore used, no smut

Notes: I think this is a little abstract

I am 18+ have read the above, and consent to seeing this content [yes ⬇️] [no ↩️]

You never wanted to get involved with the Fatui.

Hardly anyone does. Growing up around them, you’ve seen a blurred slideshow of changing faces- the ones coming back from their duty to the Tsaritsa, swapped out with the ones embarking. The lack of continuity shaped your young mind with a dream of stability. You wished for a reality shaped by consistency, where nobody was desperate for money or improvement of their rank.

That’s how you ended up with Pantalone.

He doesn’t give you his real name. Not yet, so he says. The level of secrecy is surfeit for someone who has nobody to tell it to.

And you see him every day. You devote your full attention to him. You’re a secretary, turned personal assistant, turned…

You can’t bring yourself to address it.

Initially, you had believed that secretarial work would be the no-strings-attached experience you needed. Take the money, go to Liyue, carry all your records and papers to avoid accusations of being a spy (apparently nothing gets past the Tianquan anyway) and settle down for a stable life.

If you left now, you wouldn’t choose Liyue anymore. Too many connections to the market.

“Ah, darling-“

You snap out of your haze. He’s stretching himself backwards on his seat, looking up towards the ceiling. Quickly and lightly, you get on your feet and walk over to him, going to his back so you can massage your fingertips into his shoulders.

“Mm…”

You press a little harder. He lets out a long sigh through his nose. A mild wave of nausea rolls over your body.

“You looked lost in thought there.” He says plainly. Across your time with Pantalone, you’ve learned that most of his statements are demands, and many of his questions are rhetorical. In your responses, you know better than to be vague.

“I was thinking of places I would like to visit one day.”

Not exactly a lie.

“Is that so?”

You nod even though he can’t see it. He brings his hand up and gently motions to the side, indicating for you to move out of the way.

“Try not to stall so much during work. We’ll always have plenty of time for discussion once it’s over.”

You hadn’t planned on discussing it, but Pantalone automatically assumes himself to be privy to your thoughts. It’s amusing how intensely professional he remains, given that he had offered that you stop formally working for him the month before, and become something of a “companion”. You had refused, because who would possibly accept a role so vague and unsettling? He had only chuckled, leading you to believe he wasn’t all that serious, but ever since that day he’s been very… rigorous … on the clock. It could be read as a display of passive-aggressiveness.

He stands up. You dread the moment he’ll lay his eyes on you. The papers you were working on sit at your own desk in neat piles, nearing completion. He wouldn’t be angry. He never is- or at least, never shows it. There’s more work than normal recently. But there’s still a fear that sits in your gut, constricting around your organs, a fast beating heart and shallow lungs.

But having some extra work to do isn’t a bother, especially if you can complete it after dinner-

“Finish that up for me, dear. I don’t want you preoccupied when we come back home.”

“Of course.”

You don’t miss the way his eyes glance to the side in restrained disappointment. He hates being called “Lord Harbinger” by you. And he’s stopped you from calling him “sir”. You believe he expects you to return with an affectionate nickname of sorts, to meet his constant “darling”s and “dear”s but so far you’ve been unable to muster one up.

Pantalone leaves you to the rest of your work, returning a few minutes later with your coat and boots. After sorting the last of the papers, you start putting your boots on, becoming startled when you stand up to see Pantalone ready to help you into your coat. He hums as you put each arm through its respective sleeve, and your hands race to do up your buttons lest he intervene before you. There’s a moment after you retrieve your gloves from the pockets where you look up at him, and he sweeps a hand across your cheek under the guise of tucking back hair. In his eyes there’s a sickening sense of admiration, like a child lovingly gazing at a porcelain doll.

You are his doll, you suppose. His toy sounds depraved, but it would be equally true. Dressed up and taken everywhere, introduced to strangers like a show-and-tell, cradled in his arms as he sleeps, a fragile substitute for a love he never once received. You watch with glassy eyes as he touches you with reckless abandon, your eyelids shut dully when you lay down with him, and when the string is pulled on your back, you tell him how wonderful he is. You commend his success and offer him reassurance you doubt he needs. Despite this, you are defective. He has never once managed to hear you squeak out an “I love you” from your battered voice-box. He treats you with a certainty that it is there, that it will manifest into reality if he simply persists. In this respect, you and his monetary treasures are similar.

-❤️-

Another dinner passes with him across the table from you. He’s started taking you out at least once a week, and you’re unsure if these count as dates. You would rather just believe he’s attempting to show you his wealth with his choices of restaurants.

Returning home brings him to his favourite part of the day. Time for recreation is a luxury in Snezhnaya, and though Pantalone can certainly afford it, he restricts himself (and simultaneously you) from indulging in it too much.

You don’t think you can run off to your own room like you used to do when work was finished. What you would give to fall asleep on the unused bed, to stretch out on the fresh sheets. The room is dull and grey, but it’s your own space, a guarantee of privacy. It’s a place you hardly ever visit, swapped in favour of the red and gold of Pantalone’s bedroom. The extravagance of his tastes has always left you uneasy.

Trying to stall making contact with him for as long as possible, you sit yourself on one of the armchairs and idly fiddle with a book from the table beside it. This doesn’t last long.

“Don’t be like that,” He chuckles, playing off your antics as a joke. “What’s wrong with sitting beside me?”

You reposition yourself next to him on the sofa, trying not to look like you’re clinging to the edge of it.

He doesn’t slide along, but his body tilts towards you. Magnetic attraction. Drawing him in.

Your mouth is dry and your fingers are trembling along a tattered page. The wine from the restaurant, offered but never received, is a faraway dream. He’s all too eager to buy your affections, and probably would’ve gotten the entire bottle for you if you’d hinted at trying a glass. Maybe every single bottle in the restaurant. But when it comes to intoxication, you restrain. To loosen up could be a great relief… or a fatal error. He has another glass of it in his hands, white wine, almost golden, and you could just as easily ask- but you never want to put yourself in a position of debt to him. He sees you glancing at it, and catches your eye in a way that captivates you. His eyebrow raises slightly before he begins speaking.

“You should get more comfortable asking for things from me.” His voice slices through the thick air, as if reading your mind.

You don’t know what to say. Instead, you just look at him, with eyes glassed over and motionless. Frozen. Silent rabbit in the mouth of a wolf. Fearing the crush. If you linger long enough, he fills the silence himself. Whether he realises it or not, he has the initiative of a desperate man. Unable to rest without getting in his words, his say, his influence.

“I’m not forcing you to, but I think we’ve grown rather close-“

You’ve grown rather close to me.

“- and it’s a dreadful sight to see you restrain yourself with the world at your fingertips.”

You swallow. It’s in this moment that you realise he’s still too prideful to simply invite you into a relationship with him. Instead, he’s coerced- no, swindled- you into a kind of pseudo-domesticity. You realise that after this, you’ll go and sleep in the same bed as him, and he will guard you and guide you like one of his investments, not stopping until he’s guaranteed returns. This is a dead end.

“Maybe it’s just my tastes.” You say sedately. A masterful facade borne of a childhood where you could never show fear.

“Mm…”

His eyes are transfixed on his wine, which he swirls lazily.

“When I was… not as financially successful, I used to refuse to drink anything except water. You couldn’t have convinced me to steal leftover tea leaves because I refused to get accustomed to the taste.”

When he glances up at you, his gaze seems to melt you down like frigid ice to malleable water. You nod.

“When I grew wealthier, I still drank water and chose to forgo other drinks. I had my tea weak and tasteless in business meetings, I refused coffee- I claimed it gave me headaches- and I restrained from alcohol. It wasn’t until an associate of mine insisted I try some of Mondstadt’s dandelion wine that I ever indulged in a full glass. They held an entire ceremony for the wine- they pour it into silver goblets, did you know?”

You shook your head. Fascinating. Distracting. Your tongue feels like sandpaper on the roof of your mouth.

“I didn’t know either at the time. And I thought that it seemed uselessly extravagant. They pour it out into the goblets, they let it sit, and then serve it with ice. But the taste was… incredible, unlike anything I’ve ever tasted. I finally looked around me, and darling, I observed that I was in a position to ask for anything I wanted, and get it,”

He raises the wine glass a little, not to his own lips, but outwards. Then towards you, until it hovers beneath your face and the sweet smell is almost enough to taste.

“But know that even from when I was young, I understood that ‘if you don’t ask, you don’t get.’ And perhaps others believe the opposite, that remaining distant and unobtrusive brings them the best in life,”

You grasp the wine glass gently in your hand, and his own retracts.

“Which frankly, I’ve never understood.”

You stare down into the glass. It feels like staring into an abyss. The golden hue shines like mora. Your breath hitches, and you finally squeeze out a high-strung, “May I?”

Pantalone nods, smiling gently with the eyes of a predator.

It’s bittersweet and reminiscent of a freedom you may never know.

[artigas]

imo, many of jane austen's novels do not easily lend themselves to generously queer readings but i do think there's something intrinsically queer about women writing romance novels. like, conceptually. jane austen was a woman writing novels that were being primarily consumed by women. this reality of the romance genre has not changed. and yet, when you think about it, romance novels that center on relationships between men and women are abstractions by women for other women's pleasure.

the most beautiful (and sometimes heartbreaking) aspect of romance novels, fanfiction, and other forms of writing associated with women and queer people is how generously they characterize men. i mean, just take a second to compare the stories women tell about men to the stories men tell about each other. we live in a world that beats emotion out of men. we live in a world that teaches them that love, affection, and vulnerability are defects, not gifts. but in pride and prejudice, darcy is a man who betters himself after lizzie rejects him and he does so with no expectation of romantic reciprocity. he changes because he loves her and because loving her in the way she deserves requires self-betterment. in emma, mr knightly volunteers to absolve himself of land and property because he knows that emma's happiness is intrinsically linked to caring after her (imo, disabled and/or disability-adjacent) father and that their marriage would necessitate that emma abandon him. instead, knightly denounces what is socially and legally entitled to him because her supreme happiness is infinitely more important.

in romances, men are generous with love. they speak in poetic terms. in all of austen's novels, she gives men the most romantic and immortalized lines ("if i loved you less, i might be able to speak about it more", "in vain I have struggled, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you"). in these stories, men love tenderly, to the point where love might very well be their unmaking. i cannot tell you how many fanfictions i've read where men cry during sex or where they yearn to the point of heartache.

so many romances are a matter of women imagining men behaving in a way that is more in keeping with feminine socialization (except, of course, that's bullshit. women aren't inherently more attuned to emotions or expressions of love. with these stories, we're imagining men allowing themselves the full breadth of human experience, gender norms be damned). in our stories, we imagine men for all they could be. these fantasies are so generous. they're so kind. they imagine more for men in fiction than some men imagine for themselves in real life.

i worry this makes absolutely zero sense. but i think there's something queer about that. there's something queer about a woman offering a fantasy of a man who can behave, feel, and speak in ways that are more associated with women. and there's something queer about women saying: this is the fantasy of a man that would melt me. i know it isn't real. i know such men are nearly impossible to find. i'm offering this to you anyway, so we can delight in this projection together.

[breakerwhiskey]

200 - TWO HUNDRED

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit patreon.com/breakerwhiskey.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

[click, static]

Okay, I think I’m—I’m ready to read this note now. Beyond just the date and the first few lines.

“April 6th, 1975

Abigail—

I’m okay. If you do find this, I have a feeling you’re going to have questions about the blood. You always have questions about everything. It’s one of your best qualities and also one of your most infuriating. Though I suppose I should be grateful you’ve been dogged in your pursuit of the truth. Maybe this can be repaired.”

I don’t know if she means the jacket or…

“It’s chicken blood. I am not as capable as you when it comes to butchery.”

That’s…that’s as far as I got after finding the note. The relief hit me like a freight train but…

I don’t want to be capable of butchery. I know that’s not what you meant but I…

Anyway. Moving forward.

“I’m sorry I didn’t reach our meeting in time, but after that man came to the house, I went to ground. I heard a car in the distance a few times over the last few days, but I couldn’t be sure it was you.

I got the car you left me. And the radio. I’ve been transmitting out regularly but I’m going to guess that you haven’t heard me. That’s what I’m choosing to believe anyway, given I’ve sent you more than a few messages over the months, with no reply. And, yet, somehow, I’ve heard many of your transmissions—not all, and they are very often full of static and breaks in the signal, but you have reached our garage even from Los Angeles.”

She crossed out something here. I think it says…(crinkle of paper) "I thought about joining you” but I can’t read the rest. Goddammit, Harry…

“Do you remember that one diner that we went to every month for all of ’69? I know that you’ve been to a lot of roadside diners in the last ten months, so maybe they’ve run together in the way that they’re almost purpose built to do. The one down the street, the one we could walk to—we haven’t been back in ages, because I got spooked the one time the neon sign flickered back to life, but we’d carry thermoses of tea and pretend that we were going out for a morning cup, because the monotony of our existence was threatening to destroy us both.

Whether you remember it or not, that diner has a working radio. I believe it too spooked me when there was a power surge, even if it was just static. In any case, I’m no longer at that diner, but I was briefly and heard several of your transmissions. There was no way to speak back to you, as it wasn’t that kind of radio, but it was picking up your signal just the same.

I’m not in the state anymore. I threw the jacket from the car as I drove out of town, a final ditch attempt to contact you. I had a feeling you would take it with you if you found it, despite the state of it, and just had to hope that you would find these pages sewn inside the lining.

I’ll keep transmitting, so we can find a time and place to meet, but there are conversations I don’t want to have over the airwaves, or in a letter. So I’m going to give you instructions now, that I’ll keep repeating on the radio, in the hopes that you’ve found this even if you can’t hear me.

Do you remember the show I did up north at that gallery near the water? You’d been in Provincetown with Francis for a few days and he drove the both of you up for the opening. It wasn’t a particularly short journey, but manageable. You both stayed the weekend, at that little B&B that shares its name with one of the planets.

I don’t think you thought very much of my show. It was one of my more abstract periods. I know you never cared much for that style, but I do have to wonder if you’d have been more generous to it if you’d known what inspired it. Then again—”

And she crossed that out too…

“It was still nice having you and Francis there. I always wondered why you’d agreed to come. You seemed so unhappy to be there. It makes me wonder if my demeanor made you think that I was unhappy to have you there. That was never my intent.

I’m headed there now. I think you left me with enough fuel to make the journey, and I want to get somewhere familiar that isn’t terribly close to where we've been. Meet me there.

I don’t want to write the name down, for fear that someone else will find this jacket and this note, but I’m going to assume you remember.

I remembered. The place where we had the picnic. I remembered. And I always knew that you were winding me up about Rothko, but I liked arguing with you. It’s why I never told you that I like Hank Williams. At least, I learned to.

Harriet”.

[click, static]