#monogamy vs polyamory

[irisesinyoureyes]

i feel like i'm in monogamy conversion therapy. like is polyamory just the new bad thing people with conservative values want us to stop doing.

idk i feel not monogamous enough nor polyamorous enough. i think i want sexual monogamy but queerplatonic relationships and non-sexual physical affection with friends. i don't see what's so wrong with that. but my current therapist seems to think that's bad.

i think the reason i was emotionally abused in my last relationship was because i was so isolated. i felt like i couldn't tell anyone i was in an open relationship for fear of being judged and cut off. but in not being open about what i was doing in my relationships, i was manipulated.

this just feels like the thing parents say when you come out to them "i don't want your life to be hard." and it's like, yeah you know who makes it hard? unsupportive people. if we offer more support and resources to people who are figuring things out maybe those people wouldn't have such a hard life.

ughh idk i'm just annoyed rn

[shishiikura]

The thing with that "I'd never cuddle anyone who's not my partner and if they cuddle someone that's cheating" tag on that post is that those two statements are different. YOU can decide personally not to cuddle anyone but your partner, like that's fine that's YOUR personal boundary on your own behavior, but considering it cheating if someone else does it is very strange! I get the argument that cheating is contextual within a relationship, but considering something like cuddling as an act of cheating is maybe something to look into because it's very possessive. Something something boundaries don't exist to control others they exist as a guideline for your own behavior

[sixquarksinatrenchcoat]

Briefly looked at twitter and was reminded why i need to stop doing that

[lavendermanna]

all the polyamory vs monogamy discourse is so funny to me bc like. do these anti polyamory/pro monogamy nerds even know what kinda new and interesting relationship dynamics real actual people are fucking with? polyamory is outdated, its old news, its already been assimilated into cis/het culture. sorting every relationship in your life into categories of "romantic+sexual" and "other" is just so fuckin arbitrary and unhelpful to me. all the real freaks are doing relationship anarchism now. we dont even have a clear delineation for what qualifies as "dating," you gotta decide that urself on a an individual basis for each relationship you're engaged in. ive fucked most of my friends just bc thats a fun activity for 2 friends to do together. im in love with my pet dog who is also a little faggot boy i beat the shit out of. i have a tender and intimate relationship with my boyfriend's fiance. get over it. you have nothing to lose but your chains

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Polyamorous Characters

Polyamory - the practice of having more than one romantic partner at the same time.

Polyamorous people may describe being poly as loving more than one person.

The term “polyamory” first appeared in the 1990s, and it comes from the Greek “poly” (many) and the Latin “amor” (love).

Polyamory falls under the umbrella of non-monogamy, a term that covers intimate relationships that fall outside of monogamous relationships (relationships where sex and intimacy happen between just two partners).

Types of Polyamorous Relationships

There are many different types of polyamorous relationship structures, including:

Polyfidelity: In this poly relationship type, intimacy is restricted to certain members within a group. This keeps the polycule (network of partners) small. Everyone in the polycule might be romantically linked, such as in a throuple (a romantic relationship between three people), or there may be multiple metamours (your partner's partner, with whom you have no romantic relationship).

Solo polyamory: Solo polyamory is the practice of polyamory in which one person may engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships while remaining independent, typically without cohabitating with any of their partners.

Hierarchical polyamory: In a hierarchical polyamorous relationship, there is one primary relationship; partners outside of that relationship are considered secondary or tertiary. For example, someone in a hierarchical relationship with two partners will generally devote more time to their primary partner than their secondary partner.

Polyamory vs. Open Relationship

Typically, open relationships involve two people in a romantic relationship who have other sexual partners.

Partners who practice polyamory have multiple romantic, loving relationships.

Both open relationships and polyamorous relationships are types of ethical non-monogamy (ENM), but only polyamory emphasizes falling in love with multiple poly people at once.

Source ⚜ More: Notes & References ⚜ Writing Resources PDFs

[prettyboykatsuki]

i have very like. non traditional views about love and sex and intimacy in general because of what ive experienced in my life so i completely understand if ppl do not entirely get my spiel about it but my views on love are very firm. i dont think its a matter of polyamory vs monogamy but i think more people broadly should try to deconstruct some of the ideas we are sold about love in a general sense. platonic romantic or otherwise.

[polyamorouspunk]

what lessons did you learn with your first experiences with polyamory?

There was, maybe still is but I’m not sure, a very “us vs them” mentality when it came to polyamory vs monogamy. There was this unspoken rule that we had to almost like prove ourselves? That we were good, we were okay, that we weren’t evil… because we had (and still have) a LOT of stereotypes against us. You could not complain about something in your relationship without someone else blaming it on the sole fact that it was because you had more than one partner, instead of very real issues that monogamous people also face, like long distance relationships, financial struggles, etc. And I think another unspoken rule was that like. You were never going to have someone who was purely monogamous in your polycule because polyamorous people and monogamous people just don’t mix. And honestly I feel like at one point I had people saying that to me either in asks or on my posts. But as someone who WAS dating someone monogamous while this blog started and for a good while I was always making posts like “my partner is monogamous and they love me despite me being polyamorous!” Which you know is a whole other can of worms, someone loving you “despite” being something intrinsic to who you are. And the flip side of that is that you were almost touting them as one of the “good” monogamous people. Like “look! We can date! We can make it work! There are good ones out there who will love us despite!” And for me personally that also boiled down to the shame I had around being polyamorous. I had this idea that I couldn’t tell anyone in my family or they would be disappointed in me, which knowing my family was really stupid and dumb of me, but that’s around the time where I was going through a lot, especially with my family. And I think that relationship I was in for so long really built me to believe that monogamous people could love me despite me being polyamorous that it was such a huge change for me when my current partner was loving that I was polyam? From one monogamous person to another I felt the shift from being tolerated to being celebrated. I went from having a partner who understood and supported me finding other partners on certain conditions vs having a partner who actively pushed and celebrated me finding other partners while being the rock who tried her best to make sure these relationships were healthy… which, they weren’t, of course, and she was there for me when things went wrong. I’ve been saying for years that any issues polyamorous people have in relationships are the same ones monogamous people are going to have, and that monogamous people being in polycules really isn’t all that unusual, and I feel like over the years I’m less fighting the misconceptions around polyamory and more just reblogging what other people have to say in joy or relationship issues.

[thisbelongsto-nohbodys]

Sasha: Psychological sex ed talking about the emotional and mental health of sex education

Anne: Talks about the biology of sex and the importance of protection

Marcy: Discusses societal and social terms of sex education such as consent, polyamory vs monogamy, etc.

Meanwhile later, Lily goes to her younger siblings and is all: You two have a very informative and confusing conversation with our moms later, now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to the backyard and stare at the frog pond and reevaluate everything.

[polyamorousmood]

Hi! So like I'm fairly new to polyamory and I'm starting to think it might be an umbrella term for a range of different attraction dynamic types as opposed to people treating it differently purely by choice. I mean like yeah it of course covers lots of types of relationship, but do you feel thank lots of poly people have an innate preference for a certain dynamic that is their comfort zone or naturally best state and other types of dynamic might be harder the same way that monogamy is hard? I reckon it might go some way in explaining how people can be certain they're poly but then get intense displacement or envy or jealousy in certain contexts. and those contexts often conflict with what other poly people say is best and normal due to their own feelings. ie: some people need hierarchy but others need total equality, some people need anarchy but others need clearly defined rules, some people love a V or N but others need a triad, some people need kitchen table and closeness between metas and others need separation and distance or even DADT

starting to think my sense of stability in my relationship is sort of ruled by some of these dichotomies and I'm interested in whether that's a learned behaviour I can work on or if other poly people have a sense that some things are just the right way for them too. thanks!

Its kinda both imho. It is something many people feel innately, but that doesn't mean you can't work on it if you want to.

What'd you expect? A clear answer about polyamory? HAHAHA (if you thought you'd get that, that's only more proof how green you are, see. There's no one answer to anything here. That's the joke here. That's it.)

Anyway.

A lot of people are comforted by hierarchical things: they know where they stand in a relationship, and the clear definitions limit ambiguity. That can simplify things for many people. On the other side, something more relationship anarchy may feel fairer and less ruled by rules for the people that appreciate that dynamic. So on and so forth for any of the other examples you gave.

But the truth is, they're not dichotomy. Most people exist somewhere on a spectrum🤷. Keeping our example of hierarchical vs anarchistic relationships: maybe there's not formally a hierarchy, but functionally you have one partner you live with and therefore spend more time with? What if you want an egalitarian relationship eventually, but in the meantime you do prioritize the partner you've been with 4 years over the one you've been with 3 months because it kind of makes sense you'd have more faith in the much longer relationship? Real life complicates😵‍💫 these theoreticals. And once again, that's the case for any dynamic or structure. You're kitchen table until the polycule starts sprawling and your partner's partner's partner's partner lives an hour away and can't be bothered to meet all 20 of you. Etc etc etc. I could give 100 examples, but this is going to be long enough as is.

So with everything existing on a spectrum, and real life so often mucking up our theoreticals, it must be the case that we can adjust to these changes, at least somewhat, even when we feel strongly about a certain situation being what works best for us.

The first and most important step in that is to respect your partners. Listen to their needs, share your own, engage in good faith. The fundamentals. I admit, its hard for me to describe how to go about changing these things, because it is so fundamental to me that someone would compromise for the ones they love. What I can say for certain, is that in my life, what I have found works best is to treat relationship dynamics as a negotiation rather than as hard rules.

Let me give an example from my life. Being kitchen table🍽️ is my innately strongly preferred dynamic. The partner I currently live with and I started our relationship with the understanding we would be poly and kitchen table. It was (and is!) perfect👌. However, I got a metamour that initially thought kitchen table would work well, but later realized parts of that were deeply uncomfortable for them. By the standards we set years ago, I think I would have been within rights to say 🗣️"no, I need this, that's what we agreed on" but that's not what I wanted to do, so we started a negotiation instead. I told my partner how much I was confident I could stretch, and what I was willing to try but wasn't sure whether I could keep up or not. I told my partner what other things they could do to help me get the feeling I wanted without my metamour having to capitulate to things that made them feel really bad😣.

What we wound up settling on, for the remainder of the relationship, was that my live-in partner would keep me updated on that relationship as much as possible without getting into personal details the metamour didn't want shared. The metamour and I would only be in the same room together once a month 📅(even when they were hanging out at our house). And this felt a little strained, it was awkward at times, but that was okay. It was still workable, everyone involved put up with mild uncomfortable feelings but not severe ones. I grew🌱🌷 because of that metamour! I like to think they grew because of me. I am now more flexible in what feels okay to me, because I was willing to make other people I cared about more comfortable.

I don't know how helpful that is to you. You gotta just kinda fucking do it to some degree. You'll have to be willing to suck up some stuff in the interest of fairness. You'll have to be willing to do the therapy things to get over feelings that are a little out of line, and not do something just because your insecurity is asking it of you. You'll have to work with your partners to find other ways to get what you need out of a relationship.

So. To sum up. Yeah, I think most poly have a specific ideal relationship dynamic, and they compromise as needed in the same way anyone would with any relationship.

[bittsandpieces]

Can I ask about being poly? I've always been curious to, I guess why have multiple partners?

Every person that does poly always say they have a lot of love to share etc but why not give all your love to one person?

I have thought about it myself but honestly I'd be too jealous too see my partner be with someone else and I'd probably get attached to another person too. Just seems like there's too much possibility of everyone getting hurt

What's the difference between being single and having casual relationships and being poly how can you have real love and stability when any partner could find someone new at anytime in a constantly shifting situation?

Doesn't it bring up insecurities if for example your main partner decides to date someone who you feel is more attractive than you etc and they feel they are a better fit than you?

This comes from a place of genuine curiosity to get a better understanding. Apologies if it comes across as rude

This doesn't come across as rude at all! I'll try to address everything you asked as best as I can.

To start off: why not give all my love to one person? Because that's just not how I'm wired! I have an unlimited supply of love, so having more than one partner doesn't mean anyone receives less love from me, just like having siblings doesn't mean your parents love you any less. Monogamy makes me feel trapped, not because I want to leave my partner, but because I want to love them *and* love someone else!

Jealousy does come up in poly relationships, but the difference is how much there is, and how you handle it! The first time my boyfriend hooked up with somebody else, I was a bit jealous and upset, I'll be honest. But we sat down and talked about it, and figured out what exactly made me upset, and how we can avoid that in the future (in that particular case, it was me being upset that she didn't have all the info on who I was, just that he was poly, so the solution was for him to tell other partners more about me before he gets involved with them). Jealousy can happen in any relationship, it's just about what you do with it. Some people aren't built to be poly, and will get too jealous, and that's okay! But not everyone is built like that.

Now, for the concern that my partner might leave me for someone else: I believe that the odds of that happening are *higher* in monogamous relationships than in poly relationships. In a mono relationship, if your partner is unfulfilled, and meets someone else that can match their needs, they'll probably leave you, because they can't stay with you and get those needs fulfilled. But in a poly relationship, they can fill those needs with other people, *and* come home to you. There's no picking one over the other. Polyamory is fundamentally built on open communication about EVERYTHING, all the time, and that's what makes it work! Yes, poly people break up, but from what I've seen, poly relationships are less likely to break up than mono relationships, because they have much more freedom, and more open lines of communication that allow them to fix problems

About insecurity: I mean this very genuinely. If my partner were to start dating someone who I felt was more attractive than me to a degree that it was causing me genuine distress, that isn't a fault in our relationship. What that means is that I need to work on my feelings of self worth, and need to talk to my partner about ways he can help me feel more secure in his love for me. It's not me vs her, it's all of us working together to find our best selves and our best lives, and that can be hard! For polyamory to work well, it can require a lot of self-improvement, to find confidence in yourself and your love, but the reward is (for some of us) so, so worth it. It's like being loved exponentially!

In some ways, I have a lot of the same questions for people who are monogamous, anon. How do you not feel trapped? What do you do if your partner isn't meeting your needs, since you can't find someone else who can fulfill it for you? Aren't you afraid your partner will leave you if you can't do everything for them? How are you supposed to do everything they need in the first place? I don't really understand it, but i will always respect it. Some of us are just built differently, and I think that's a beautiful thing! The world has so much variety to offer us and its lovely that we get to share these experiences with one another. I hope this helps!

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

I'm curious: how do Gallifreyans perceive relationships/ marriages? Are they in general more loyal or are they more polyamorous? Do they have specific rituals like we humans? Does such things even matter to such a highly advanced species?

Gallifreyan Love

🔗 Cultural Norms and Practices

On Gallifrey, the idea of relationships is intertwined with a deeply rooted sense of duty and a hierarchical societal structure. Relationships, especially among the higher echelons of Time Lord society, serve more purpose as strategic alliances than expressions of personal affection. As you can imagine, the extended lifespans of Gallifreyans, coupled with their capability for regeneration, add a few more layers of complexity - imagine getting a divorce 500 years in, and having to separate that CD collection.

The influence of the Curse of the Pythia, which rendered the majority of Gallifreyans sterile and thus made sex pointless in a practical way, has historically shaped Gallifrey's approaches to relationships. The emergence of "loomed" Time Lords pivoted their species towards asexuality, and many Gallifreyans were celibate as a societal norm. However, Low Town does have a couple of brothels, so make of that what you will.

💍 Dating and Marriage Conventions

Despite the strategic nature of many Gallifreyan relationships, marriages born of love are not unheard of. The rituals surrounding marriage, however, are pretty obscure. We don't know much beyond the tradition of donning white - a colour symbolising death on Gallifrey - suggesting marriage is like death, or something(?)

The act of courtship among Gallifreyans is another big question mark. While traditional "date nights" as understood by humans might not align with Gallifreyan practices, their society does have plenty of date locations, from the dives of Low Town to the posh restaurants of Arcadia.

🔄 Monogamy vs. Polyamory

Due to their extended lifespans and regenerative capabilities, the concept of lifetime commitment can stretch across centuries and several physical forms. This unique condition creates a social fabric where both monogamous and polyamorous relationships can thrive, each serving different purposes and reflecting individual preferences.

Monogamy: For some Gallifreyans, especially those in positions of political or social prominence, a monogamous relationship might symbolise a stable alliance or a deeply personal bond that persists through regenerations.

Polyamory: On the other hand, the very nature of Gallifreyan society lends itself to more fluid relationship structures. Polyamorous relationships, in this context, might be strategic, forming networks of support, influence, and mutual benefit among different Houses or factions.

🏫 Modern Interpretations

In contemporary times, society is still adapting to the shifting political landscape and the return of biological reproduction. The deeply ingrained traditions of the old may be giving way to new forms of personal expression and connection. Yet, for all the advancements and changes, Gallifrey remains a society where duty and tradition wield significant influence and probably will for a long time to come.

Hope that helped! 😃

More content ... →📫Got a question? | 📚Complete list of Q+A and factoids →😆Jokes |🩻Biology |🗨️Language |🕰️Throwbacks |🤓Facts →🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (pending) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine Guides →📝Source list (WIP) →📜Masterpost If you're finding your happy place in this part of the internet, feel free to buy a coffee to help keep our exhausted human conscious. She works full-time in medicine and is so very tired 😴

[navigatingenm]

Managing Jealousy in Polyamory: Strategies for Emotional Resilience

Jealousy in polyamory is a subject that never fully fades into the background, no matter how long you’ve been practicing non-monogamy. It’s one of those complex emotions that resurfaces in different forms, challenging us to understand and manage it with greater nuance each time. Even for those people who have been navigating polyamory for years, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we should have “overcome” jealousy by now. But the truth is, jealousy is not something to be vanquished—it’s something to be understood, dissected, and integrated into our emotional landscape in a way that serves our relationships rather than undermines them.

Understanding Jealousy: Differentiating the Tangle of Emotions

Jealousy isn’t a monolith; it’s a blend of several emotions, each with its own triggers and implications. To manage jealousy effectively, especially, it’s crucial to unpack these components and address them individually.

Insecurity and Envy: The Twin Pillars

Insecurity often springs from self-doubt, that gnawing feeling that you’re not enough for your partner. It’s the fear that someone else will offer what you cannot, which can be particularly pronounced in polyamory, where comparisons to a partner’s other relationships are almost inevitable. This isn’t just a theoretical concern; it’s an emotional reality that needs tending. Esther Perel’s work in Mating in Captivity touches on how these insecurities can be magnified in non-monogamous settings, where the very structure of relationships can seem to amplify feelings of inadequacy.

Envy, on the other hand, is more outwardly focused. It’s the desire for something someone else has—time, attention, or experiences with a partner that you wish were yours. Envy can be less about your own shortcomings and more about wanting to share in the joy you see your partner experiencing with someone else. Richard H. Smith, in his exploration of envy, notes that this emotion can actually be a catalyst for growth if we allow it to push us toward self-improvement rather than self-pity.

Fear of Loss vs. Fear of Missing Out

The fear of loss is a deeply rooted anxiety that your partner might leave you or that your connection with them might weaken because of their involvement with others. This is a common concern in hierarchical polyamory, where there’s often an established primary relationship that feels threatened by new connections. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight is particularly insightful here, offering strategies to create secure attachments that can mitigate this fear.

On the flip side, there’s the fear of missing out—FOMO—the anxiety that you’re being left out of something important, that your partner is experiencing joy and connection that you’re excluded from. In the polyamory community, FOMO is often fueled by the visibility of other relationships on social media or at community events. Brigitte Vasallo’s work reminds us that FOMO is as much about perceived exclusion as it is about actual loss, and addressing it requires a shift in perspective.

Anger and Resentment: The Slow Burn

Anger in the context of jealousy often arises from a sense of unfairness or unmet expectations. It’s that sharp, immediate reaction to feeling disrespected or overlooked. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers a way to channel this anger into productive conversations, turning a potential conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding.

Resentment, though, is more insidious. It builds slowly over time, often from unresolved anger or repeated disappointments that have never been addressed. Perel, in The State of Affairs, explores how unspoken resentment can erode relationships, making it crucial to address these feelings before they become entrenched.

Strategies for Managing Jealousy

For those of us who’ve been practicing polyamory for a while, the challenge isn’t just recognizing these emotions—it’s knowing how to address them in a way that’s both effective and sustainable.

Reframing Insecurity

Self-compassion is an essential practice here. Kristin Neff’s research shows us that by treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend, we can soften the edges of insecurity. This isn’t about coddling ourselves; it’s about creating a mental space where we can acknowledge our fears without letting them define us. Cognitive restructuring, another powerful tool, involves actively challenging the negative thoughts that feed our insecurity. It’s about recognizing when we’re telling ourselves a story that isn’t based on reality and choosing to rewrite that narrative.

Transforming Envy into Compersion

Envy doesn’t have to be a purely negative emotion. It can be a spark that leads us to explore new avenues of connection or personal growth. In polyamory, where compersion—taking joy in your partner’s happiness with others—is often held up as the ideal, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Jessica Fern’s Polysecure offers insights into how we can cultivate compersion through mindfulness and a conscious shift in focus, turning envy into a motivator for positive change.

Navigating Fear of Loss with Attachment Theory

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer in managing the fear of loss. Those with anxious attachment styles might find this fear particularly challenging, but by working to create secure attachments—through consistent communication, reassurance, and security rituals—we can create a relational foundation that feels less threatened by external connections.

Managing FOMO through Intentional Disconnection

Sometimes, the best way to manage FOMO is to step back. Reducing exposure to the aspects of your partner’s life that trigger these feelings can help maintain your emotional equilibrium. Kathy Labriola’s The Jealousy Workbook suggests that intentional disconnection—taking breaks from social media or setting boundaries around what is shared—can help keep FOMO in check.

Addressing Anger and Resentment

When anger arises, Nonviolent Communication offers a way to express these feelings without escalating the situation. It’s about finding the balance between honesty and empathy, making sure that your needs are heard while also being mindful of your partner’s feelings. But if resentment has already taken root, it’s crucial to address it head-on. Honest, open conversations about what’s been festering can clear the air and prevent further damage.

Talking with Your Partner(s) About Jealousy

Communicating about jealousy with your partner(s) is perhaps the most delicate part of managing it. It requires not just emotional honesty but also a shared commitment to understanding and supporting each other.

Setting the Stage for Productive Conversations

Timing is everything. Discussing jealousy when emotions are already high can be counterproductive, so it’s important to choose a moment when both you and your partner(s) are calm and open to conversation. Establishing a safe space for these discussions is also crucial. This means agreeing on ground rules, like not interrupting and avoiding blame, to ensure that everyone feels heard.

Communicating with Clarity and Compassion

Expressing vulnerability is key. Jealousy is often a mask for deeper fears and insecurities, and by sharing these underlying emotions, you can foster a greater sense of empathy and connection. Active listening is just as important as speaking—truly hearing your partner’s perspective can prevent misunderstandings and build mutual support.

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Addressing jealousy isn’t just about managing your own emotions; it’s about working together to find solutions that support the relationship as a whole. This might involve adjusting time spent together, setting new boundaries, or finding new ways to connect that reinforce the security of the relationship. Regular check-ins can also help keep jealousy from escalating, ensuring that you’re both on the same page.

Advanced Practices for Sustaining Emotional Health

Beyond the immediate strategies for managing jealousy, there are broader practices that can help sustain emotional health in polyamorous relationships.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and aware of your emotional state, reducing the impulse to react to jealousy in destructive ways. Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living highlights how mindfulness can enhance emotional regulation, allowing you to observe your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Building Emotional Resilience

Resilience is about more than just bouncing back—it’s about developing the emotional fortitude to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of polyamory. Seligman’s Flourish explores how resilience can be cultivated through practices like gratitude, optimism, and building a strong support network.

Continuous Learning and Self-Reflection

Staying engaged with polyamory literature and communities can provide new insights and strategies for managing jealousy. Books like The Ethical Slut and Polysecure offer valuable perspectives on maintaining emotional health in non-monogamous relationships. Regular self-reflection, whether through journaling, meditation, or discussion with trusted friends, can help you stay attuned to your emotional state and address jealousy before it escalates.

Conclusion: Embracing Complexity with Compassion

Jealousy in polyamory is a multifaceted emotion that requires a nuanced and thoughtful approach. By differentiating between the various emotions that constitute jealousy and applying targeted strategies for resolution, experienced practitioners of polyamory can navigate this challenging terrain with greater ease and empathy.

Managing jealousy is an ongoing journey that requires continuous learning, self-reflection, and the willingness to embrace emotional complexity. By approaching jealousy with compassion—for both yourself and your partners—you can transform it from a source of tension into an opportunity for growth, connection, and deeper understanding.

References and Footnotes:

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.

Vasallo, B. (2020). Thinking About Jealousy in Polyamory.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Smith, R. H. (2008). The Joy of Envy: A Social Psychology Perspective. In Envy: Theory and Research.

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.

Labriola, K. (2013). The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Greenery Press.

Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delacorte Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Free Press.

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the aromantic is confuesed

☆ Aromantic culture is just genuenly not understanding the difference between romantic relationships and platonic friendships.

☆ Fyi: apologies for the plethora of "like," statments, it just feels more natural for some reason. I expect this to possibly get hated on? I dont know, couldnt care less if it dose tho 🤷🏻‍♂️

☆ Like, I just dont understand the concept of cheating. I get its considered bad. I get why its considered bad as its a breach of trust/boundaries/etc, but i dont understand why people prefer to be monogamous as i genuinely just dont see a difference between friends and romantic partners, I get that there is a difference, i respect that differece where people draw it themselves, I just can't see it.

☆ Like, I see the difference between queerplatonic relashionships & friendship, but I just can't distinguish any other type of relashionship & romance for some reason.

☆ And i just dont get why theres a distinction between monogamy & polyamory either? Like, were people? Why not be open to the possibility of feelings not following the preset mold of a random relashionship Hiarchy? Like ofc you can have your own rules in a relashionship, but I just dont get why monogamy with the 1 perfect "other half of you" is the priority vs fulfillment? Like, I don't expect 1 person to be my "other half" for the rest of my life, nor do I want someone to expect that of me cause that just feels like dumping way to many expectations onto 1 person. And like, you can devide yourself amoung multiple friends why not multiple romantic partners?

☆ And i dont get wanting a lifelong relashionship like that? I mean i do get wantinv 1 but expecting 1 i feel is just throwing alot of expectations on anither person, people change, feelings change, alot changes in life. It reminds me of how people are expected to choose what they want to do for the rest of your life as a teenager.

☆ Why r y'all bringing the government into your relashionship? And why do y'all STRIVE for that? Like, "lets officially legaly combine ourselves into a unit and make it real damn difficult if we end up seperating." Why should having a romantic partner logustically help you in life?? Like "hey, these 2 ppl said i do infront of an officiant, lets see if we can improve theyre taxes." How is they're logistically a "making this relashionship official" outside of- consenting parties deciding they're in a relashionship????

☆ Like, everyone was assigned to make a different venn diagram and label it with arbitrary concepts and they're relation/similarities/lack thereof, and its graded on participation; But everyone still argued over the non answer because they just can't fathom they're being no wrong answer.

☆ This isn't really meant to change anyones mind on romance, do whatever tf you want with your relashionships its your life; This is just me being real fucking confused at why people arbitrarily made these catagories lol.

☆ This was origonally gonna be an ask on an aromantic culture is blog but I quickly realized this was gonna be way too long for that.

☆ I may or may not add more mini rants to this in future reblogs this is just what I could think of as I was writing. Thanks if you actually read all of this

[alpaca-clouds]

Media, Fanfics and Polyamory

Okay, I need to get something off my chest. I... am kinda annoyed with how media - and that includes fanfiction - often shows polyamory. Because most of the time it is depicted as "monogamy, but with more people".

It is kinda how a lot of queer representation in media is often "straight relationships with two people of the same gender" (as in, still kinda forcing people into the traditional roles within a relationship, with one partner taking off the "female" and one the "male" part - often with the characters then getting shown with more stereotypical female or male traits). I mean, for the longest time it was, what kept me from Slash stuff: That it so often casted one character as the "woman" of the relationship, before going ahead and just... do the same sexist tropes, you will usually see in straight romances.

But I digress.

The thing with polyamory is, that it often gets depicted as a closed relationship that involves most of the time three people. Rarely more than three, which is problematic for a reason I am getting at in just a moment. First of all...

Yeah, sure, there are absolutely closed polyamorous relationships. Meaning, relationships that have a fixed number of people, with a strong understanding that there is nobody getting into that relationship later on.

But... A lot of polyamorous relationships do not work that way. While not all go directly into relationship anarchism, there generally is an understanding that at least with some communication a partner would be allowed to date someone else as well. Because a lot of the polyamorous experience is about learning Compersion (feeling happy for someone to find love).

Which brings me also to the problem with OT3s. I have tried to explain this before, but it seems people are struggling with it. See, the problem with Triads is, that they rarely last, as long as they remain a triad. Does not mean that no triad ever lasts - but most don't. Why? Well, because there is one problem. If there is an argument in a triad-relationship (and yes, even polyamorous people argue) it will often end up as a 2 vs 1. And usually what happens is, that in the end it will end up as often the same two people against the same one person. Which will lead to the one person to feel isolated and end the relationship.

Which brings me to Relationship Anarchy. Relationship Anarchy is basically a relationship philosophy that is anti-normative. Which is against heteronormativity, allonormativity, mononormativity and so on. It is very much based around the ideas that:

Love is not a limited research. A single person can give a lot of love. (After all: Even a person in a monogamous relationship will still love their family and friends.)

All Love is equal. So basically there is no overidealisation of romantic love - which also means that queerplatonic relationships are seen as as serious of an involvement as alloromantic relationships.

I just want to ask everyone who is writing anything that involves polyamory - no matter if it is a book, a comic, a tv show or a fanfic - to understand this.

Also... please just stop overidealisation of alloromantic relationships period! Please! I am begging you!

[happy-quack]

Polyamory vs monogamy be like, you could have 5 or 6 wives, OR, just 1

[hertwood]

whiile i would still consider myself ambiamorous i'm recognizing that my solo poly ideas and aversion to living with other people was very down to. i needed a break from being her all the time. dating was "fun" as her but i could recognize, for reasons i couldn't understand, that doing that nonstop would be exhausting.

(in general i think we all would benefit from seeing monogamous vs polyamorous as a spectrum instead of one or the other. all polyamory is is a different set of boundaries for a relationship, but EVERY couple really SHOULD be establishing exactly what boundaries they want, and i think a lot of problems in monogamy are a misalignment in boundary expectations. "i cant believe my boyfriend won't stop watching porn, its cheating" did you establish this as a boundary from the getgo? just say you are incompatible and breakup!!!!!!!!!)

but i think i rly would be ok with monogamy in terms of--only being with one person at a time. i could never do all that pretending i cease to find other people attractive/not consume pornographic material etc etc. but plenty of monog ppl DONT expect that kind of exclusivity from their partners so i know those kind of relationships exist.

but in terms of partnership as in moving in together/having a life partnership is no longer a terrifying prospect to me. which is very weird to have to. rethink my entire future as not being alone and sad all the time. living with a boyfriend or a girlfriend no longer sounds like a nightmare as long as /i/ get to be a boyfriend too!!!!! but thats such a big change for me that its like. a lot to process. also i need to get deeper into my transition before i start dating again i think but i'm still thinking a lot!!!