#monogamy vs polyamory

[irisesinyoureyes]

i feel like i'm in monogamy conversion therapy. like is polyamory just the new bad thing people with conservative values want us to stop doing.

idk i feel not monogamous enough nor polyamorous enough. i think i want sexual monogamy but queerplatonic relationships and non-sexual physical affection with friends. i don't see what's so wrong with that. but my current therapist seems to think that's bad.

i think the reason i was emotionally abused in my last relationship was because i was so isolated. i felt like i couldn't tell anyone i was in an open relationship for fear of being judged and cut off. but in not being open about what i was doing in my relationships, i was manipulated.

this just feels like the thing parents say when you come out to them "i don't want your life to be hard." and it's like, yeah you know who makes it hard? unsupportive people. if we offer more support and resources to people who are figuring things out maybe those people wouldn't have such a hard life.

ughh idk i'm just annoyed rn

[shishiikura]

The thing with that "I'd never cuddle anyone who's not my partner and if they cuddle someone that's cheating" tag on that post is that those two statements are different. YOU can decide personally not to cuddle anyone but your partner, like that's fine that's YOUR personal boundary on your own behavior, but considering it cheating if someone else does it is very strange! I get the argument that cheating is contextual within a relationship, but considering something like cuddling as an act of cheating is maybe something to look into because it's very possessive. Something something boundaries don't exist to control others they exist as a guideline for your own behavior

[sixquarksinatrenchcoat]

Briefly looked at twitter and was reminded why i need to stop doing that

[prettyboykatsuki]

i have very like. non traditional views about love and sex and intimacy in general because of what ive experienced in my life so i completely understand if ppl do not entirely get my spiel about it but my views on love are very firm. i dont think its a matter of polyamory vs monogamy but i think more people broadly should try to deconstruct some of the ideas we are sold about love in a general sense. platonic romantic or otherwise.

[y-rhywbeth2]

Lore: Dating, Marriage, Sex, etc

Part 1/2

Link: Disclaimer regarding D&D "canon" & Index [tldr: D&D lore is a giant conflicting mess. Larian's lore is also a conflicting mess. There's a lot of lore; I don't know everything. You learn to take what you want and leave the rest, etc etc etc]

DnD isn't exactly a dating sim, so most of this lore comes from mining Ed Greenwood's answers to questions, but since his answers are apparently canon unless and until contradicted in published realmslore, here you go.

It's mostly in regards to human culture (and the Heartlands, Waterdeep etc at that) but I'll throw in some demihuman stuff here and there.

So sexuality, and the norms and moral values Torilians build around it: More tolerant and kinkier than Earth, for the most part, and still not a perfect bed of roses. (You won’t face legal oppression; you can get called slurs.)

Attitudes in the Realms

Dating

Sex (and a bit about contraception and conception)

Sexual Orientation

Polyamory

Cut for space and expected in the follow up: marriage, sex work, religion, and the absolutely deranged shit going on in some noble families.

-

Attitudes about relationships in the Realms

The long and short of it is that the root of Toril’s mainstream attitude towards sex and relationships draws from the sexual revolution of the ‘60s and ‘70s.

Cultural variations on and subversions of these norms occur, but the rule of thumb, especially as it applies to the video games is as follows:

Sex is not a terribly big deal nor innately taboo; pseudo-puritan attitudes are solely the province of some old high priests on a few religions in a minority of a minority. Virginity and the loss thereof is meaningless unless you're nobility.

Pretty much anything is legal so long as all parties involved are capable of giving and gave consent on most of the planet (though legal isn’t the same as ‘approved of’).

Of course TSR, and later WotC, fell very much on the side of ‘we can’t publish that!’ So it got massively obscured. It only really came through now and again, usually in sly little hints that could get past the radar/editors, becoming more obvious with 4e and 5e (Although Sune and Sharess were flat out stated even back in 2e to ignore gender when they’re in the mood to seduce mortals, and we'd already had Mystra saying that gender is basically just a costume for gods (which Mask illustrates.))

The Realms itself still has bigotry to go around, of course, but generally it's the clergy of a select few gods and the nobles who'll make a fuss about such things, and the latter only in regards to their own social circles and inheritance shenanigans. A traveling merchant who encounters a culture that practices forms of relationships he personally disproves of was probably raised to be polite and keep the slurs unsaid; diversity encourages trade, offending your neighbours does not.

What is and isn’t morally acceptable to an individual is determined by church doctrine and dogma (which determines many of life’s aspects, including love and sex and what's good or bad (chastity vs promiscuity, monogamy vs polygamy, whether procreation is mandated or not or even a sin, if loving people instead of despising them is a sin or not, and what acts are taboo))... and all that as interpreted by the local priests, who may not agree with their fellows’ interpretations. Some gods declare chastity a sin and want you to engage in as many romantic and/or sexual relationships with as many different people in as many different ways as humanly possible. Loviatar mandates BDSM and Ilmater doesn't frown on it either.

Most deities probably aren't going to discriminate. Gods see the universe in terms of their portfolio: what aids it is good what opposes it is bad. Most portfolios aren't terribly impacted by mortal love lives and hormones so I suspect the vast majority of gods could not care less, and, as per Faiths and Avatars, the gods 'generally try to be as liberal as possible to try and attract as much worship as they can.'

With Toril being polytheistic all of these gods are due respect and conflicting dogmas are just a fact of life. Several times a day a person is likely to be confronted with a choice – usually a minor one – where one action will serve some gods and be a sin in the eyes of others, and the rule of thumb is that everybody accepts you can’t please all of them all the time. You live according to the gods you favour above all others and respect the faiths of those you don’t: you expect that people will mind their own business and do them the same courtesy.

In the majority of the realms, including the cities and realms of the Heartlands, Silverymoon, Waterdeep and etc, at least, people are open minded and tolerant. A rule of thumb is that cities are more liberal and rural areas more conservative, but even then their norms and values don’t necessarily match the modern earth norms that might spring to mind; the nuclear family unit is not necessarily seen as default and polyamory is very common in some villages.

Largely, there’s not a whole lot of emphasis put on identifying your sexuality or making it a big part of who you are: most Torilians wouldn’t understand the point of drawing attention to sexuality outside of occasions where it’s actually relevant. If you were visiting Baldur's Gate and pointed out two men getting married at the temple of Tymora the people around you would be utterly confused about why you felt the need to single out the gender of the couple.

‘Individuals may find [queer relationships] too much for themselves to handle, but the laws and general attitudes of society don’t frown on it.’

You may have to ‘pick your neighbours and friends’ to live comfortably, but that’s significantly easier to do on Toril than Earth especially because you should have no reason to worry about persecution or discrimination under the law for deviating from whatever moral code a particular priest might be espousing.

Bastard children and wedlock don't cause a fuss so long as you're not a highborn (or found to have cheated on your partner, one assumes).

Contraception is widely available and family planning is emphasised; you are firmly encouraged to use it in a dangerous world where famines and disasters mundane and supernatural mean babies at the wrong times can lessen the chances of survival (for you and them).

-

Dating

Somebody who catches your eye is 'glim,' as in 'oh no he's hot' or 'she's well fit' or whatever. A Torilian who's very attractive is 'right glim.' As in they're 'glimmering.'

A term for a pair of lovers is 'brightbirds.'

Your 'fancyman,' 'fancylad,' or 'fancylass' is what your disapproving relatives will call your lover that you insist on seeing for reasons that escape them.

Waterdhavians call the target of their affections their 'rose,' which may get confusing as in other dialects a 'rose' is the slang term for a submissive woman in a Dom/sub relationship.

Red and black are considered the erotic/'sexy' colours. Garments featuring black lace and leather in particular.

Many priests, curiously, seem to find potential partners more attractive if they get a tattoo of their deity's holy symbol.

You can advertise your interest by wearing an artificial rose pinned to one shoulder: red signals that you're looking for a long-term romantic partner and black shows you're looking for sex. If the rose is made of steel then it indicates you're looking for a partner of the same gender. Wearing multiple roses indicates you're looking for multiple partners, but you might expect some raised eyebrows or comments if people think you're being overconfident. It's very rare to see women doing this looking for men, since it's thought of as a 'man thing' (wlw doing this to seek each other out apparently don't count to said men).

Sunites, as devotees of the goddess of love and beauty, are available for matchmaking services, advice and make overs.

Dancing - especially erotic dancing - is a large part of courtship trends across the cultural board. Which might tie in to the fact that all the goddesses of lust and love - Sharess/Zandilar, Sharindlar, Sune, Sheela Peryroyl, and to a certain extent, Lliira - are dancers or have dancing as a thing within their faith. Lliiran clergy give dancing lessons, and Sharessans and Sunites probably don't mind teaching either.

The only description of what a one might wear if one is feminine and wants to dress up and look fancy in human culture - the equivalent of a 'little black dress' - is a simple black gown with a high collar and plunging neckline in the front (the latter of which is optional). It's matched with a sash and boots and some small jewellery. If you want to 'dress down' the gown is pinned open to expose either bare skin or the underlying chemise (if you're going for a 'classy' look it'll be lacy and white).

Dwarven courtship involves a slow exchange of crafts made by ones own hand (this can be tools or physical artwork or things like poems and songs, the point is to illustrate your skill and the care you put in). You send it to the dwarf you're interested in, and hopefully they respond in kind. You then spend years doing this and slowly getting to know each other, eventually moving in and seeing if you can settle into something that can last past the initial spark before tying the knot.

Elven courtship apparently involves poetry, songs, and yet more erotic dances.

Drow have courting games called 'spider hunts' usually played at festivals by young drow, which are basically hide-and-seek.

-

Sex (and a bit on procreation)

You can't just fuck somebody right in the market square, but borderline public sex hidden on a rooftop, or ducking into an empty alleyway is pretty common and tolerated behaviour. You are, however, encouraged to keep your shenanigans off the streets lest you 'scare the horses,' take yourselves home or to the nearest festhall/brothel, and keep your 'public displays' limited to appropriate festivals (Greengrass, for example, which is a fertility festival and usually involves dropping all inhibitions for the day).

Lingerie comes in black and red and lace clouts (underwear) and dethmas (bras) which can be readily bought in most cities. Lace-up boneless corsets and shapewear are available as unisex garments.

Sex toys named as existing include whips, dildos, clamps and 'tingling creams.'

I've heard something about halfling orgies, but have found no details beyond 'exotic food.'

And in the Realms you're more likely to say 'rutting' rather than 'fucking' when being vulgar/casual about sex. Unlike 'fuck' it doesn't seem to double as a curse.

If you're considering bedding a priests be warned that as gods are said to derive power from having their name said aloud priests tend to call their gods name in bed. Fervently. The enthusiasm and emotion behind it is supposed to have a positive effect.

Elven foreplay involves sensory deprivation and ear nibbling.

Contraception, as mentioned, is stressed upon. People are concerned about plagues, famines, monsters and other concerns that lead Faerûnians to place a lot of importance on family planning. Contraception is generally delivered via divine magic - a cleric or druid can render you temporarily barren/sterile, guarantee conception or freeze a pregnancy at its earliest and least detrimental stages to be resumed at a safe date. People can ensure that their children will be born in times when it's best for them to be born. Elves have apparently mastered birth control, and it's basically impossible to get a child from an elf when they don't want one.

You can also ask the gods nicely and if you make sufficient offerings the deity can also rearrange your organs a bit to change the way you procreate (or possibly allow you both methods). Generally people will ask the deity they have the most positive relationship with, but Sune and Lliira are the favoured choices in the pantheon. Of the gods not recommended are Bane, Shar, Malar (whose idea of the perfect transformation is lycanthropy) and Selûne (who gladly supports you, but she's considered too mercurial and everchanging. She's not one transition she's eternal, ever shifting transition beyond the human physical endurance or mental comprehension.)

Arcane magic can manage physical modification via transmutation and glamours, which people often play with either as part of exploring their gender identity or just for fun, but transmutation via divine magic is vastly superior at allowing you to be fertile after the change if that's a goal. Arcane magic struggles with that. Arcane magic that allows for surrogacy and sort of IVF apparently exists, having been invented by a pair of liches that wanted a child for whatever reason, but I don't know how commonplace that is.

-

Sexual Orientation

Most people freely experiment in their youth, working out their preferences. Heterosexuality is the default, with bisexuality making up a sizeable second place and other sexualities constituting a fairly sized but unremarkable minority.

Obviously, the Isle of Lesbos does not exist and so neither does the world ‘lesbian’; Toril doesn’t have Earth’s terminology, it has its own words. It should be noted that some can be used in a derogatory fashion, although, considering reality, they could very well be reclaimed or have been stolen terminology twisted into slurs. The given terms, in Common, are:

Thruss - Lesbian Liyan - Gay man (elvish slang loanword) Praed - Gay man (gnomish slang loanword) Tasmar - Bisexual (masc.) Shaeda - Bisexual (fem.) (elvish slang loanword) 'No-thorn' - Asexual

Butches (‘harnor’) and effeminate mlm (‘dathna’) are liable to get scorn for their gender presentation more or rather than their sexuality.

-

Polyamory

In some lands (unspecified which ones) it's unremarkable and even expected for a relationship to be open by default.

While obviously it's not socially acceptable to jump into anybody's bed with no consideration of your partner's feelings on the matter, it's not a foreign idea to see love and lust as separate concepts.

In rural areas one can find villages that definitely don't follow the nuclear family model with mixed families living under one roof, and symbolic polygamous marriages may factor into the traditions of some seasonal festivals. For example in Turmishan a farmstead is traditionally inhabited by a family consisting of four married people, usually two men and two women.

[lavendermanna]

all the polyamory vs monogamy discourse is so funny to me bc like. do these anti polyamory/pro monogamy nerds even know what kinda new and interesting relationship dynamics real actual people are fucking with? polyamory is outdated, its old news, its already been assimilated into cis/het culture. sorting every relationship in your life into categories of "romantic+sexual" and "other" is just so fuckin arbitrary and unhelpful to me. all the real freaks are doing relationship anarchism now. we dont even have a clear delineation for what qualifies as "dating," you gotta decide that urself on a an individual basis for each relationship you're engaged in. ive fucked most of my friends just bc thats a fun activity for 2 friends to do together. im in love with my pet dog who is also a little faggot boy i beat the shit out of. i have a tender and intimate relationship with my boyfriend's fiance. get over it. you have nothing to lose but your chains

[thisbelongsto-nohbodys]

Sasha: Psychological sex ed talking about the emotional and mental health of sex education

Anne: Talks about the biology of sex and the importance of protection

Marcy: Discusses societal and social terms of sex education such as consent, polyamory vs monogamy, etc.

Meanwhile later, Lily goes to her younger siblings and is all: You two have a very informative and confusing conversation with our moms later, now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to the backyard and stare at the frog pond and reevaluate everything.

[polyamorousmood]

Hi! So like I'm fairly new to polyamory and I'm starting to think it might be an umbrella term for a range of different attraction dynamic types as opposed to people treating it differently purely by choice. I mean like yeah it of course covers lots of types of relationship, but do you feel thank lots of poly people have an innate preference for a certain dynamic that is their comfort zone or naturally best state and other types of dynamic might be harder the same way that monogamy is hard? I reckon it might go some way in explaining how people can be certain they're poly but then get intense displacement or envy or jealousy in certain contexts. and those contexts often conflict with what other poly people say is best and normal due to their own feelings. ie: some people need hierarchy but others need total equality, some people need anarchy but others need clearly defined rules, some people love a V or N but others need a triad, some people need kitchen table and closeness between metas and others need separation and distance or even DADT

starting to think my sense of stability in my relationship is sort of ruled by some of these dichotomies and I'm interested in whether that's a learned behaviour I can work on or if other poly people have a sense that some things are just the right way for them too. thanks!

Its kinda both imho. It is something many people feel innately, but that doesn't mean you can't work on it if you want to.

What'd you expect? A clear answer about polyamory? HAHAHA (if you thought you'd get that, that's only more proof how green you are, see. There's no one answer to anything here. That's the joke here. That's it.)

Anyway.

A lot of people are comforted by hierarchical things: they know where they stand in a relationship, and the clear definitions limit ambiguity. That can simplify things for many people. On the other side, something more relationship anarchy may feel fairer and less ruled by rules for the people that appreciate that dynamic. So on and so forth for any of the other examples you gave.

But the truth is, they're not dichotomy. Most people exist somewhere on a spectrum🤷. Keeping our example of hierarchical vs anarchistic relationships: maybe there's not formally a hierarchy, but functionally you have one partner you live with and therefore spend more time with? What if you want an egalitarian relationship eventually, but in the meantime you do prioritize the partner you've been with 4 years over the one you've been with 3 months because it kind of makes sense you'd have more faith in the much longer relationship? Real life complicates😵‍💫 these theoreticals. And once again, that's the case for any dynamic or structure. You're kitchen table until the polycule starts sprawling and your partner's partner's partner's partner lives an hour away and can't be bothered to meet all 20 of you. Etc etc etc. I could give 100 examples, but this is going to be long enough as is.

So with everything existing on a spectrum, and real life so often mucking up our theoreticals, it must be the case that we can adjust to these changes, at least somewhat, even when we feel strongly about a certain situation being what works best for us.

The first and most important step in that is to respect your partners. Listen to their needs, share your own, engage in good faith. The fundamentals. I admit, its hard for me to describe how to go about changing these things, because it is so fundamental to me that someone would compromise for the ones they love. What I can say for certain, is that in my life, what I have found works best is to treat relationship dynamics as a negotiation rather than as hard rules.

Let me give an example from my life. Being kitchen table🍽️ is my innately strongly preferred dynamic. The partner I currently live with and I started our relationship with the understanding we would be poly and kitchen table. It was (and is!) perfect👌. However, I got a metamour that initially thought kitchen table would work well, but later realized parts of that were deeply uncomfortable for them. By the standards we set years ago, I think I would have been within rights to say 🗣️"no, I need this, that's what we agreed on" but that's not what I wanted to do, so we started a negotiation instead. I told my partner how much I was confident I could stretch, and what I was willing to try but wasn't sure whether I could keep up or not. I told my partner what other things they could do to help me get the feeling I wanted without my metamour having to capitulate to things that made them feel really bad😣.

What we wound up settling on, for the remainder of the relationship, was that my live-in partner would keep me updated on that relationship as much as possible without getting into personal details the metamour didn't want shared. The metamour and I would only be in the same room together once a month 📅(even when they were hanging out at our house). And this felt a little strained, it was awkward at times, but that was okay. It was still workable, everyone involved put up with mild uncomfortable feelings but not severe ones. I grew🌱🌷 because of that metamour! I like to think they grew because of me. I am now more flexible in what feels okay to me, because I was willing to make other people I cared about more comfortable.

I don't know how helpful that is to you. You gotta just kinda fucking do it to some degree. You'll have to be willing to suck up some stuff in the interest of fairness. You'll have to be willing to do the therapy things to get over feelings that are a little out of line, and not do something just because your insecurity is asking it of you. You'll have to work with your partners to find other ways to get what you need out of a relationship.

So. To sum up. Yeah, I think most poly have a specific ideal relationship dynamic, and they compromise as needed in the same way anyone would with any relationship.

[bittsandpieces]

Can I ask about being poly? I've always been curious to, I guess why have multiple partners?

Every person that does poly always say they have a lot of love to share etc but why not give all your love to one person?

I have thought about it myself but honestly I'd be too jealous too see my partner be with someone else and I'd probably get attached to another person too. Just seems like there's too much possibility of everyone getting hurt

What's the difference between being single and having casual relationships and being poly how can you have real love and stability when any partner could find someone new at anytime in a constantly shifting situation?

Doesn't it bring up insecurities if for example your main partner decides to date someone who you feel is more attractive than you etc and they feel they are a better fit than you?

This comes from a place of genuine curiosity to get a better understanding. Apologies if it comes across as rude

This doesn't come across as rude at all! I'll try to address everything you asked as best as I can.

To start off: why not give all my love to one person? Because that's just not how I'm wired! I have an unlimited supply of love, so having more than one partner doesn't mean anyone receives less love from me, just like having siblings doesn't mean your parents love you any less. Monogamy makes me feel trapped, not because I want to leave my partner, but because I want to love them *and* love someone else!

Jealousy does come up in poly relationships, but the difference is how much there is, and how you handle it! The first time my boyfriend hooked up with somebody else, I was a bit jealous and upset, I'll be honest. But we sat down and talked about it, and figured out what exactly made me upset, and how we can avoid that in the future (in that particular case, it was me being upset that she didn't have all the info on who I was, just that he was poly, so the solution was for him to tell other partners more about me before he gets involved with them). Jealousy can happen in any relationship, it's just about what you do with it. Some people aren't built to be poly, and will get too jealous, and that's okay! But not everyone is built like that.

Now, for the concern that my partner might leave me for someone else: I believe that the odds of that happening are *higher* in monogamous relationships than in poly relationships. In a mono relationship, if your partner is unfulfilled, and meets someone else that can match their needs, they'll probably leave you, because they can't stay with you and get those needs fulfilled. But in a poly relationship, they can fill those needs with other people, *and* come home to you. There's no picking one over the other. Polyamory is fundamentally built on open communication about EVERYTHING, all the time, and that's what makes it work! Yes, poly people break up, but from what I've seen, poly relationships are less likely to break up than mono relationships, because they have much more freedom, and more open lines of communication that allow them to fix problems

About insecurity: I mean this very genuinely. If my partner were to start dating someone who I felt was more attractive than me to a degree that it was causing me genuine distress, that isn't a fault in our relationship. What that means is that I need to work on my feelings of self worth, and need to talk to my partner about ways he can help me feel more secure in his love for me. It's not me vs her, it's all of us working together to find our best selves and our best lives, and that can be hard! For polyamory to work well, it can require a lot of self-improvement, to find confidence in yourself and your love, but the reward is (for some of us) so, so worth it. It's like being loved exponentially!

In some ways, I have a lot of the same questions for people who are monogamous, anon. How do you not feel trapped? What do you do if your partner isn't meeting your needs, since you can't find someone else who can fulfill it for you? Aren't you afraid your partner will leave you if you can't do everything for them? How are you supposed to do everything they need in the first place? I don't really understand it, but i will always respect it. Some of us are just built differently, and I think that's a beautiful thing! The world has so much variety to offer us and its lovely that we get to share these experiences with one another. I hope this helps!

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

I'm curious: how do Gallifreyans perceive relationships/ marriages? Are they in general more loyal or are they more polyamorous? Do they have specific rituals like we humans? Does such things even matter to such a highly advanced species?

Gallifreyan Love

🔗 Cultural Norms and Practices

On Gallifrey, the idea of relationships is intertwined with a deeply rooted sense of duty and a hierarchical societal structure. Relationships, especially among the higher echelons of Time Lord society, serve more purpose as strategic alliances than expressions of personal affection. As you can imagine, the extended lifespans of Gallifreyans, coupled with their capability for regeneration, add a few more layers of complexity - imagine getting a divorce 500 years in, and having to separate that CD collection.

The influence of the Curse of the Pythia, which rendered the majority of Gallifreyans sterile and thus made sex pointless in a practical way, has historically shaped Gallifrey's approaches to relationships. The emergence of "loomed" Time Lords pivoted their species towards asexuality, and many Gallifreyans were celibate as a societal norm. However, Low Town does have a couple of brothels, so make of that what you will.

💍 Dating and Marriage Conventions

Despite the strategic nature of many Gallifreyan relationships, marriages born of love are not unheard of. The rituals surrounding marriage, however, are pretty obscure. We don't know much beyond the tradition of donning white - a colour symbolising death on Gallifrey - suggesting marriage is like death, or something(?)

The act of courtship among Gallifreyans is another big question mark. While traditional "date nights" as understood by humans might not align with Gallifreyan practices, their society does have plenty of date locations, from the dives of Low Town to the posh restaurants of Arcadia.

🔄 Monogamy vs. Polyamory

Due to their extended lifespans and regenerative capabilities, the concept of lifetime commitment can stretch across centuries and several physical forms. This unique condition creates a social fabric where both monogamous and polyamorous relationships can thrive, each serving different purposes and reflecting individual preferences.

Monogamy: For some Gallifreyans, especially those in positions of political or social prominence, a monogamous relationship might symbolise a stable alliance or a deeply personal bond that persists through regenerations.

Polyamory: On the other hand, the very nature of Gallifreyan society lends itself to more fluid relationship structures. Polyamorous relationships, in this context, might be strategic, forming networks of support, influence, and mutual benefit among different Houses or factions.

🏫 Modern Interpretations

In contemporary times, society is still adapting to the shifting political landscape and the return of biological reproduction. The deeply ingrained traditions of the old may be giving way to new forms of personal expression and connection. Yet, for all the advancements and changes, Gallifrey remains a society where duty and tradition wield significant influence and probably will for a long time to come.

Hope that helped! 😃

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[navigatingenm]

Managing Jealousy in Polyamory: Strategies for Emotional Resilience

Jealousy in polyamory is a subject that never fully fades into the background, no matter how long you’ve been practicing non-monogamy. It’s one of those complex emotions that resurfaces in different forms, challenging us to understand and manage it with greater nuance each time. Even for those people who have been navigating polyamory for years, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we should have “overcome” jealousy by now. But the truth is, jealousy is not something to be vanquished—it’s something to be understood, dissected, and integrated into our emotional landscape in a way that serves our relationships rather than undermines them.

Understanding Jealousy: Differentiating the Tangle of Emotions

Jealousy isn’t a monolith; it’s a blend of several emotions, each with its own triggers and implications. To manage jealousy effectively, especially, it’s crucial to unpack these components and address them individually.

Insecurity and Envy: The Twin Pillars

Insecurity often springs from self-doubt, that gnawing feeling that you’re not enough for your partner. It’s the fear that someone else will offer what you cannot, which can be particularly pronounced in polyamory, where comparisons to a partner’s other relationships are almost inevitable. This isn’t just a theoretical concern; it’s an emotional reality that needs tending. Esther Perel’s work in Mating in Captivity touches on how these insecurities can be magnified in non-monogamous settings, where the very structure of relationships can seem to amplify feelings of inadequacy.

Envy, on the other hand, is more outwardly focused. It’s the desire for something someone else has—time, attention, or experiences with a partner that you wish were yours. Envy can be less about your own shortcomings and more about wanting to share in the joy you see your partner experiencing with someone else. Richard H. Smith, in his exploration of envy, notes that this emotion can actually be a catalyst for growth if we allow it to push us toward self-improvement rather than self-pity.

Fear of Loss vs. Fear of Missing Out

The fear of loss is a deeply rooted anxiety that your partner might leave you or that your connection with them might weaken because of their involvement with others. This is a common concern in hierarchical polyamory, where there’s often an established primary relationship that feels threatened by new connections. Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight is particularly insightful here, offering strategies to create secure attachments that can mitigate this fear.

On the flip side, there’s the fear of missing out—FOMO—the anxiety that you’re being left out of something important, that your partner is experiencing joy and connection that you’re excluded from. In the polyamory community, FOMO is often fueled by the visibility of other relationships on social media or at community events. Brigitte Vasallo’s work reminds us that FOMO is as much about perceived exclusion as it is about actual loss, and addressing it requires a shift in perspective.

Anger and Resentment: The Slow Burn

Anger in the context of jealousy often arises from a sense of unfairness or unmet expectations. It’s that sharp, immediate reaction to feeling disrespected or overlooked. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication offers a way to channel this anger into productive conversations, turning a potential conflict into an opportunity for deeper understanding.

Resentment, though, is more insidious. It builds slowly over time, often from unresolved anger or repeated disappointments that have never been addressed. Perel, in The State of Affairs, explores how unspoken resentment can erode relationships, making it crucial to address these feelings before they become entrenched.

Strategies for Managing Jealousy

For those of us who’ve been practicing polyamory for a while, the challenge isn’t just recognizing these emotions—it’s knowing how to address them in a way that’s both effective and sustainable.

Reframing Insecurity

Self-compassion is an essential practice here. Kristin Neff’s research shows us that by treating ourselves with the same kindness we’d offer a friend, we can soften the edges of insecurity. This isn’t about coddling ourselves; it’s about creating a mental space where we can acknowledge our fears without letting them define us. Cognitive restructuring, another powerful tool, involves actively challenging the negative thoughts that feed our insecurity. It’s about recognizing when we’re telling ourselves a story that isn’t based on reality and choosing to rewrite that narrative.

Transforming Envy into Compersion

Envy doesn’t have to be a purely negative emotion. It can be a spark that leads us to explore new avenues of connection or personal growth. In polyamory, where compersion—taking joy in your partner’s happiness with others—is often held up as the ideal, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Jessica Fern’s Polysecure offers insights into how we can cultivate compersion through mindfulness and a conscious shift in focus, turning envy into a motivator for positive change.

Navigating Fear of Loss with Attachment Theory

Understanding your attachment style can be a game-changer in managing the fear of loss. Those with anxious attachment styles might find this fear particularly challenging, but by working to create secure attachments—through consistent communication, reassurance, and security rituals—we can create a relational foundation that feels less threatened by external connections.

Managing FOMO through Intentional Disconnection

Sometimes, the best way to manage FOMO is to step back. Reducing exposure to the aspects of your partner’s life that trigger these feelings can help maintain your emotional equilibrium. Kathy Labriola’s The Jealousy Workbook suggests that intentional disconnection—taking breaks from social media or setting boundaries around what is shared—can help keep FOMO in check.

Addressing Anger and Resentment

When anger arises, Nonviolent Communication offers a way to express these feelings without escalating the situation. It’s about finding the balance between honesty and empathy, making sure that your needs are heard while also being mindful of your partner’s feelings. But if resentment has already taken root, it’s crucial to address it head-on. Honest, open conversations about what’s been festering can clear the air and prevent further damage.

Talking with Your Partner(s) About Jealousy

Communicating about jealousy with your partner(s) is perhaps the most delicate part of managing it. It requires not just emotional honesty but also a shared commitment to understanding and supporting each other.

Setting the Stage for Productive Conversations

Timing is everything. Discussing jealousy when emotions are already high can be counterproductive, so it’s important to choose a moment when both you and your partner(s) are calm and open to conversation. Establishing a safe space for these discussions is also crucial. This means agreeing on ground rules, like not interrupting and avoiding blame, to ensure that everyone feels heard.

Communicating with Clarity and Compassion

Expressing vulnerability is key. Jealousy is often a mask for deeper fears and insecurities, and by sharing these underlying emotions, you can foster a greater sense of empathy and connection. Active listening is just as important as speaking—truly hearing your partner’s perspective can prevent misunderstandings and build mutual support.

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Addressing jealousy isn’t just about managing your own emotions; it’s about working together to find solutions that support the relationship as a whole. This might involve adjusting time spent together, setting new boundaries, or finding new ways to connect that reinforce the security of the relationship. Regular check-ins can also help keep jealousy from escalating, ensuring that you’re both on the same page.

Advanced Practices for Sustaining Emotional Health

Beyond the immediate strategies for managing jealousy, there are broader practices that can help sustain emotional health in polyamorous relationships.

Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness can help you stay grounded and aware of your emotional state, reducing the impulse to react to jealousy in destructive ways. Kabat-Zinn’s Full Catastrophe Living highlights how mindfulness can enhance emotional regulation, allowing you to observe your feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them.

Building Emotional Resilience

Resilience is about more than just bouncing back—it’s about developing the emotional fortitude to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of polyamory. Seligman’s Flourish explores how resilience can be cultivated through practices like gratitude, optimism, and building a strong support network.

Continuous Learning and Self-Reflection

Staying engaged with polyamory literature and communities can provide new insights and strategies for managing jealousy. Books like The Ethical Slut and Polysecure offer valuable perspectives on maintaining emotional health in non-monogamous relationships. Regular self-reflection, whether through journaling, meditation, or discussion with trusted friends, can help you stay attuned to your emotional state and address jealousy before it escalates.

Conclusion: Embracing Complexity with Compassion

Jealousy in polyamory is a multifaceted emotion that requires a nuanced and thoughtful approach. By differentiating between the various emotions that constitute jealousy and applying targeted strategies for resolution, experienced practitioners of polyamory can navigate this challenging terrain with greater ease and empathy.

Managing jealousy is an ongoing journey that requires continuous learning, self-reflection, and the willingness to embrace emotional complexity. By approaching jealousy with compassion—for both yourself and your partners—you can transform it from a source of tension into an opportunity for growth, connection, and deeper understanding.

References and Footnotes:

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Harper.

Vasallo, B. (2020). Thinking About Jealousy in Polyamory.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Smith, R. H. (2008). The Joy of Envy: A Social Psychology Perspective. In Envy: Theory and Research.

Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.

Labriola, K. (2013). The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships. Greenery Press.

Rosenberg, M. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delacorte Press.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being. Free Press.

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

the aromantic is confuesed

☆ Aromantic culture is just genuenly not understanding the difference between romantic relationships and platonic friendships.

☆ Fyi: apologies for the plethora of "like," statments, it just feels more natural for some reason. I expect this to possibly get hated on? I dont know, couldnt care less if it dose tho 🤷🏻‍♂️

☆ Like, I just dont understand the concept of cheating. I get its considered bad. I get why its considered bad as its a breach of trust/boundaries/etc, but i dont understand why people prefer to be monogamous as i genuinely just dont see a difference between friends and romantic partners, I get that there is a difference, i respect that differece where people draw it themselves, I just can't see it.

☆ Like, I see the difference between queerplatonic relashionships & friendship, but I just can't distinguish any other type of relashionship & romance for some reason.

☆ And i just dont get why theres a distinction between monogamy & polyamory either? Like, were people? Why not be open to the possibility of feelings not following the preset mold of a random relashionship Hiarchy? Like ofc you can have your own rules in a relashionship, but I just dont get why monogamy with the 1 perfect "other half of you" is the priority vs fulfillment? Like, I don't expect 1 person to be my "other half" for the rest of my life, nor do I want someone to expect that of me cause that just feels like dumping way to many expectations onto 1 person. And like, you can devide yourself amoung multiple friends why not multiple romantic partners?

☆ And i dont get wanting a lifelong relashionship like that? I mean i do get wantinv 1 but expecting 1 i feel is just throwing alot of expectations on anither person, people change, feelings change, alot changes in life. It reminds me of how people are expected to choose what they want to do for the rest of your life as a teenager.

☆ Why r y'all bringing the government into your relashionship? And why do y'all STRIVE for that? Like, "lets officially legaly combine ourselves into a unit and make it real damn difficult if we end up seperating." Why should having a romantic partner logustically help you in life?? Like "hey, these 2 ppl said i do infront of an officiant, lets see if we can improve theyre taxes." How is they're logistically a "making this relashionship official" outside of- consenting parties deciding they're in a relashionship????

☆ Like, everyone was assigned to make a different venn diagram and label it with arbitrary concepts and they're relation/similarities/lack thereof, and its graded on participation; But everyone still argued over the non answer because they just can't fathom they're being no wrong answer.

☆ This isn't really meant to change anyones mind on romance, do whatever tf you want with your relashionships its your life; This is just me being real fucking confused at why people arbitrarily made these catagories lol.

☆ This was origonally gonna be an ask on an aromantic culture is blog but I quickly realized this was gonna be way too long for that.

☆ I may or may not add more mini rants to this in future reblogs this is just what I could think of as I was writing. Thanks if you actually read all of this

[alpaca-clouds]

Media, Fanfics and Polyamory

Okay, I need to get something off my chest. I... am kinda annoyed with how media - and that includes fanfiction - often shows polyamory. Because most of the time it is depicted as "monogamy, but with more people".

It is kinda how a lot of queer representation in media is often "straight relationships with two people of the same gender" (as in, still kinda forcing people into the traditional roles within a relationship, with one partner taking off the "female" and one the "male" part - often with the characters then getting shown with more stereotypical female or male traits). I mean, for the longest time it was, what kept me from Slash stuff: That it so often casted one character as the "woman" of the relationship, before going ahead and just... do the same sexist tropes, you will usually see in straight romances.

But I digress.

The thing with polyamory is, that it often gets depicted as a closed relationship that involves most of the time three people. Rarely more than three, which is problematic for a reason I am getting at in just a moment. First of all...

Yeah, sure, there are absolutely closed polyamorous relationships. Meaning, relationships that have a fixed number of people, with a strong understanding that there is nobody getting into that relationship later on.

But... A lot of polyamorous relationships do not work that way. While not all go directly into relationship anarchism, there generally is an understanding that at least with some communication a partner would be allowed to date someone else as well. Because a lot of the polyamorous experience is about learning Compersion (feeling happy for someone to find love).

Which brings me also to the problem with OT3s. I have tried to explain this before, but it seems people are struggling with it. See, the problem with Triads is, that they rarely last, as long as they remain a triad. Does not mean that no triad ever lasts - but most don't. Why? Well, because there is one problem. If there is an argument in a triad-relationship (and yes, even polyamorous people argue) it will often end up as a 2 vs 1. And usually what happens is, that in the end it will end up as often the same two people against the same one person. Which will lead to the one person to feel isolated and end the relationship.

Which brings me to Relationship Anarchy. Relationship Anarchy is basically a relationship philosophy that is anti-normative. Which is against heteronormativity, allonormativity, mononormativity and so on. It is very much based around the ideas that:

Love is not a limited research. A single person can give a lot of love. (After all: Even a person in a monogamous relationship will still love their family and friends.)

All Love is equal. So basically there is no overidealisation of romantic love - which also means that queerplatonic relationships are seen as as serious of an involvement as alloromantic relationships.

I just want to ask everyone who is writing anything that involves polyamory - no matter if it is a book, a comic, a tv show or a fanfic - to understand this.

Also... please just stop overidealisation of alloromantic relationships period! Please! I am begging you!

[happy-quack]

Polyamory vs monogamy be like, you could have 5 or 6 wives, OR, just 1

[twsted-kinks]

Ok so I'm not sure if the mc in your writing is in the same situation as Yuu (Isekai/transmigrated) but I am curious about how beastmen/merfolk/fae would navigate a relationship with not only a human but a human that comes from a world where people like the don't exist 😳

In my head Yuu would be eager regardless of anatomy because generally they love their partner and that's that

This kinda got away from me djsndndnd so this is more of a rant on worldbuilding headcanons more than anything else.

As a lover of speculative biology and monster fucking my time has come. Fjdjd I adore biological and/or cultural differences between people and how they learn about these differences and learn about the other so they can be inclusive of their partner. I'm not gonna talk about each character but I can talk about some headcanons I have for each... idk if species is the right word or subspecies. It seems like all can mate and have children regardless of species/subspecies, but idk if that's biology or magic or both like... I like to think biology wise they're all very similar with the different species coming from magical and evolutionary intermingling. Anyway, to some headcanons: Yuu would have so much to learn about the biological and cultural differences.

Mer Headcanons

Biologically the differences are so obvious. There's a wide variety of mers that include invertebrates which just... has to have magical origins. I could go on about marine life and how there's so many different animals that seem to be all put together under mer. Some are hermaphroditic like sea slugs, and you've got ones that change their sex over their life like clown fish. Their concept of sex and gender must be so beyond what we got here.

The environmental differences are also so major. Breathing air vs breathing water. And don't get me started on how having a verbal language under the sea seems so weird and magic is the obvious go to to explain it away but my brain just goes "sign based languages make more sense with the humanlike upper anatomy and they probably gained a verbal language from interacting with land dwelling societies." But I'm not an expert on lore djdndn.

I do know culturally there's iffiness when it comes to mer people and land dwellers. The environment is so different so infrastructure, food, history, societal ideals an expectations has to be so different. It also seems mer people going onto land is more common than the reverse. I may be wrong cause the vignettes I read are for the cards I use and I have like 1 Jade card I've maxed out.

Being in a relationship with any of the mers would just have so many biological and cultural differences and Yuu has no baseline for anything and neither do the mers cause Yuu's from a completely different world. Communication is a must which is probably gonna be difficult cause the mer mafia just... the tweels would lie because funny and Azul is willing to educate about mer stuff in general but not about himself or his family really. Dating/courtship differences just... romantic gestures from both parties would be a disaster unless people are like "I am doing this because it is a romantic gesture where I am from." Oh and just idk is monogamy or polyamory if there's a social standard or not. Well with Disney monogamy but this is my writing I get to choose. I like to think in twst monogamy and polyamory are pretty chill no matter where you are. I think for mer people polyamory is probably common but there's so many different subspecies its hard to claim a majority. Hell, asexual reproduction is probably a thing too.

Either way, it's a must to go swimming from time to time with them in their mer form and just hanging out. Ooo the cuddles. I can see all three of the mer mafia ok with staying on land but if Yuu is willing to live in the ocean with them I think they'd be happy. They'd at least have Yuu visit their family which would be cute and embarrassing. So many eel and octo hugs shsbsbs.

Anyway, I see the most struggle with these differences in a relationship would be with the mers, but plenty of communication and a willingness to learn will be very rewarding and help make a healthy relationship.

Fae Headcanons

I like to think just about all fae, at least from Briar Valley, have a what we'd call a monstrous form (cause I got a thing for monsters). I mean, big buff lady with sharp teeth and covered in scales? I get it. Sebek's dad steps out of line, and I'm taking his place.

Anyway, the biggest difference biologically is the lifespan and I see that being the biggest difficulty. That's a lot to go over in a relationship and is a very dark and very real thing that would need to be discussed. I can see relationships ending specifically because of the difference in lifespan and I can't blame them. It's a lot. Other than that there is a physical biological differences that seem more minor in their more humanlike form. But their monster form.... I mean the cuddles gotta be awesome.

There are major cultural differences too. I assume most fae don't really use technology because magic is so intrinsic in their society and they all love long lives. There is no real need to advance when things work well and new generations take so long to develop and replace the previous ones. Another thing is with Yuu specifically having no magic. In a society where magic is everywhere and is needed to do so many things like at least at NRC there seems to be alternatives by using technology here and there but Yuu is so dependent on others and this would be exasperated in Briar Valley. I can see Malleus and/or Lilia be willing to get some technology for Yuu if they decide to live in Briar Valley. I like the idea of simply introducing radio to the Valley and Yuu just running a radio station idk just a thought I like.

Anyway, there are other cultural differences like I headcanon that dating isn't really a thing for most fae and instead they go the courtship route with so many rules and procedures that Yuu knows nothing about. Someone like Lilia would understand that Yuu has no idea and would try the dating route while Silver, Sebek, and Malleus would just do things and either have Yuu accidentally accept or reject them without knowing. At least with Silver, Lilia would give fatherly advice though how useful it is is up for debate. Again, a lot of communication would be needed between parties but everyone in Diasomnia would be willing to talk about these differences and work with you to have a healthy relationship.

The biggest struggle I think would be the difference in lifespan. Silver is a human so the lifespan thing wouldn't apply to him but the cultural differences would definitely be a thing.

Beastmen Headcanons

Out of the different species, beastmen are the most similar to humans. Theres no other form (except for Jack) but there are still considerable biological differences with ears, tails, and the better senses. I can't see any real problems with biological differences arising in a human and beastmen relationship. I mean Leona, Ruggie, and Jack would probably be chill with Yuu petting them and thats really the only thing I can see ever being an issue (unwanted touching I mean).

I do like to think marking is a beastmen thing but idk if they'd explain it to you. Jack would definitely explain it but only after he realizes you don't know that's what he's doing. Ruggie and Leona either wouldn't tell you or take forever before they explain it cause they like being able to mark you freely. Hell if Yuu's with Leona or Ruggue, Jack would be the one to tell them what marking is. And Yuu marking them in return would also make them very happy.

For cultural differences there are some like... for Jack I see things being more gender neutral and monogamy is very common while Leona and Ruggie got more of a matriarchy going on and I can see polyamory being common for the hyena beastmen. Ruggie and Leona would date Yuu no matter their gender identity but they will treat Yuu a bit different socially because of how their culture is.

I see dating being more common than courtship except for Leona but that's royalty related. And again, with communication the differences will be easy to handle and mean a healthy relationship.

I can also see heats and ruts being a thing but I'll save that for a more nfsw post specifically on that in the future or something.

[sodamnelectrocute]

Ah, the classic monogamy vs. polyamory conflict.

Neither one is right or wrong, but Boston and Nick should let each other go.